Alcoholic Spouse Advanced Help

Alcoholic Husband: Don’t Condemn Him

Dr. Uhr — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 20:45:00 +0000

As a psychiatrist that specializes in addiction, I treat a lot of alcoholism. It is very common to see an alcoholic judged rather harshly by friends or relatives that are not alcoholics. Here are some comments I hear in my practice from those married to an alcoholic husband or those with an alcoholic boyfriend:

“He should just quit drinking”
“He has such a great life, how can he just throw it all away?”
“Doesn’t he love me and the kids enough to quit drinking?”
“All he cares about is himself and the bottle”
‘What’s wrong with him? If he doesn’t stop drinking he will lose his career”

And here’s one I hear a lot form those married to an alcoholic spouse:

“He’s too smart to let his drinking get the best of him. After all, look how successful he is”.

Your alcoholic husband is suffering from a chronic, progessive medical disease. It is not about having weak willpower. If you think your husband may be aproblem drinker, please read my free guide about the symptoms of alcoholism to assess if you or a loved may have an alcohol problem.

Chronic alcohol consumption causes different chemical messengers in your brain to get out of balance. Alcohol abuse alters the ratio of different chemical messengers, also known as neurotransmitters) in the brain, which in turn affects thinking and behavior.YXUWTEU2JTRC

The main chemical that is affected is called dopamine which is part of the reward system. As dopamine is depleted in an alcoholic’s brain, he no longer gets pleasure from the small things in life like hearing a great song, being in the company of a good friend, reading an interesting book. The brain is now wired in such a way, that the main way to feel any pleasure is to drink more alcohol. Drinking more alcohol increases the dopamine: not much else accomplishes this anymore.

So- before you judge your alcoholic husband or alcoholic boyfriend too harshly or think he is”weak” or “in denial” remember:

The person who is showing signs or symptoms of alcoholism is held hostage to a brain that is screaming out to him, “get more dopamine, get more dopamine”. It is a very primal part of the brain that drives the behavior to “seek” more alcohol (dopamine).

And yes- it overrides the rational thinking people make when the chemical messengers in their brain are out of balance. Consider yourself a lucky person if you have not experienced this disease and be careful not to judge someone unlucky enough to be suffering from alcoholism. Instead of judging him, do what you can to encourage treatment and alcoholic recovery. There is tremendous denial with alcoholism and there are things you can do to help break the denial.

If you want additional help turning your marriage around click here to register for my free report on, “ 5 Proven Methods For a Healthier Marriage With Your Alcoholic Spouse”. It may save your family’s life. The information in this report gives you very simple strategies that could very well save your marriage.

Alcoholic Husband? Don’t Condemn a Problem Drinker!

Dr. Uhr — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 20:37:05 +0000

“He should just quit drinking”
“He has such a great life, how can he just throw it all away?”
“Doesn’t he love me and the kids enough to quit drinking?”
“All he cares about is himself and the bottle”
‘What’s wrong with him? If he doesn’t stop drinking he will lose his career”

And here’s one I hear a lot form those married to an alcoholic spouse:

“He’s too smart to let his drinking get the best of him. After all, look how successful he is”.

So- before you judge your alcoholic husband or alcoholic boyfriend too harshly or think he is”weak” or “in denial” remember:

Alcoholic Spouse? 5 Tips To Improve Your Marriage

Dr. Uhr — Mon, 02 May 2011 23:45:29 +0000

If you have an alcoholic spouse, you know how crazy the dynamics are between the two of you. He yells, you yell back. There is always a lot of drama. Addiction brings out the worst in people. If your alcoholic husband or alcoholic wife is going to ever quit drinking, you need to stop rescuing them frm the consequences of their addiction. you also need to help break the dynamic of your alcoholc spouse provoking a fight with you.

Here are 5 tips to accomplish this:

1) Don’t have ANY important discussions with your alcoholic spouse when they have been drinking. It’s a waste of time.

2) Get support outside the house from friends, family, or even Al-anon to help vent your frustration so you are less likely to lose your temper with your spouse.

3) Leave the room when the discussion gets heated rather than engage.

4) Set clear boundaries. For example, let if your alcoholic husband insults you, let “I’m sorry you feel that way”, but leave the room or even spned the night elsewhere. If he or she tries to provoke you, don’t engage back.

5) Start concentrating on your own needs and depend on your spouse less and less which will break the codependent connection in your marriage.

As you concentrate on your own life, you will be happier and things in your marriage will start to improve. As your alcoholic spouse senses your independence and realizes he or she has to “own” their own disease (addiction), the path to healing is often accelerated.

Your Questions About Living With An Alcoholic Boyfriend

Dr. Uhr — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 15:04:57 +0000

Betty asks…

looking for relationship advice..living with an alcoholic?

I’ve lived with a man 37 year old man for the last 5 years. We bought a house 3 years ago, and have a little dog. I am to a point where I no longer want to put up with it. I think the final straw was the other day, it was my birthday, and I came home to find him drunk. We were supposed to go out to dinner to celebrate, but I refuse to go out with him when he is drinking. It is now 30 days out of 31 in a month that he drinks til he’s drunk. I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of asking him to leave for a month, stay with a friend, see about getting help for his drinking..and if he doesn’t then at least I will have had a chance to get the house in order to put it on the market. Anyone have any advice? I’m really needing some good advice on the best way to handle this..financially, emotionally, etc. Don’t need the “you go girl” comments, just need the “this is the best way to approach this” comments. Thanks in advance..really! We aren’t married, but everything is joint.

Dr. Uhr answers:

Your boyfriend has a serious disease ; alcoholism. You have already begun the roller coaster ride of frequent disappointments. If he suffers the consequence of your relationhsip ending, it is a strong message to him to get help to quit drinking. Right now you are living with an alcoholic boyfriend. His main relationship is with alcohol, not you. You are way down his list of priorities. As his disease progresses, your relationship will go downhill.

You are at a crossroads. You can choose NOW to not go on to have an alcoholic spouse. You are not married and do not have children. You can “cut loose” of this shattered relationship (I am not saying it will be easy). Go to Al-Anon and listen to people who actually have an alcoholic spouse. It is a miserable situation. I think this will help you make a good decision. If your alcoholic boyfriend is able to get a year of sobriety under his belt, you may have a shot of a better relationship with him down the road.

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7 Hints Your Alcoholic Spouse Is Making You Depressed

Dr. Uhr — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 21:50:48 +0000

Living with an alcoholic spouse is extremely stressful. You probably feel angry, frustrated, and resentful toward your alcoholic husband or alcoholic wife. Over time, these feelings may trigger a clinical depression. You have felt bad for so long that it may be hard to recognize that you are depressed. Here are 7 warning signs of clinical depression:

1) Feeling sad or blue.

2) Experiencing insomnia- it can be difficult falling asleep and even more difficult staying asleep. If you are depressed, you do not feel rested when waking up in the morning.

3) Your appetite has either decreased or increased.

4) You don’t look forward to things anymore. You used to enjoy being around your children, family, or friends, but now it feels like an obligation.

5) Your energy is low. The couch or your bed has become your great escape.

6) You have lost motivation. If you are working, you have lost your drive. If you are staying at home, you are watching TV too much and wasting time.

7) You find your self on the verge of tears or bursting into tears, maybe even in the car.

The feeling of helplessness that occurs when living with an alcoholic spouse can turn into depression. You are carrying the burden of the marriage. Your alcoholic spouse in obsessed with drinking while you obsess about saving your relationship. You are providing all the energy to keep things from falling apart,. No matter what you are tried, it hasn’t resulted in your spouse deciding to quit drinking.

Now you have lost the drive to try to help you alcoholic husband or alcoholic wife. If you are suffering from many of the symptoms mentioned above, you should seek professional help either from a psychologist or psychiatrist. Also, open up to friends and family for support and go to Al-Anon meetings where other people can relate to what you are going through.

Alcoholic Spouse? 5 Changes To Expect Early on in Sobriety

Dr. Uhr — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 21:51:23 +0000

Has your alcoholic spouse quit drinking? If so, you may be disappointed to find out it can be as hard to live with your sober spouse compared to an alcoholic husband or alcoholic wife. It can be very helpful to know what to expect early in their recovery.

Here are 5 changes that take place to early on in sobriety:

1. Alcohol withdrawal even under the care of a doctor can lead to some shakiness, stomach problems, anxiety, and insomnia.

2. Although your alcoholic husband or alcoholic wife will feel physically better within a week or two (no hangovers anymore,) they can be irritable and curt to be around.

3. Increased anxiety is common in sobriety. After all, alcohol was used a a way to escape stress. Your husband or wife will have to learn coping skills for stress which takes time. Also, your alcoholic spouse may have a lot to face in terms of consequences from poor decisions made when drinking (emotional, legal, marital stress).

4. There is usually a grieving process your spouse has to go through giving up alcohol. When people quit drinking, they often tell me they feel they are giving up their best friend.

5. Your alcoholic spouse may be attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings (12 step program) every day and is spending time away from the family. It is normal to feel resentful and left out because it feels like they were spending time away from you drinking and now they are spending time away form you- NOT drinking.

This is your chance to be supportive. It is a transition time for you and your marriage. Go to Al-anon meetings when you can get your own much needed support. Don’t focus on their sobriety- they have to take charge. Start taking care of you. Get some interests, reconnect with your friends, and do some fun things as a family. This is your chance to get yourself and your marriage back on track- but it does take time and patience.

3 Tips To Improve Sunday With An Alcoholic Spouse

Dr. Uhr — Sun, 10 Apr 2011 03:52:57 +0000

Today is Sunday which should mean quality family time . However, if you are married to an alcoholic spouse, Sunday often translates to hangover time. It’s you by your lonesome or you with your children- no partner actively participating in the family. You feel resentful and lonely living with your alcoholic husband or alcoholic wife. There is nothing lonelier than living with someone who ignores you.

Here are 3 tips to have a better Sunday even if you are living with an alcoholic:

1. Enjoy nature today. Take your kids on a hike or a walk. If you are outside with one of your children’s sports activities, take time to look at the sky, the trees, any flowers that might be blooming. Reconnect for a moment with nature.

2. Concentrate on one of your good and positive relationships. (Do not dwell on your alcoholic spouse). This may be with one of your kids, a relative, your best friend, someone from work you have gotten close with. Call that person today.

3. Get in the mindset that YOU will make this a good day. Make it a goal today to NOT let your alcoholic husband or alcoholic spouse ruin your day, AGAIN.

Detaching from an alcoholic spouse is what Al-Anon can help with. I am not sure “detaching” is the right approach. I think concentrating and building on the positives in your life is the most empowering strategy to turn things around.

Your Questions About An Alcoholic Wife

Dr. Uhr — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 19:25:24 +0000

Daniel asks…

Is this woman an alcoholic?

This woman I know (the wife of my husbands best friend) drinks every day. She drinks white wine, when I have been with her she drinks at least a bottle of wine, then gets very abusive and aggressive with her husband, usually ruins the evening by shouting abuse and then going to bed. the next morning you see her she acts as though nothing has happened. Never an apology, it’s as though she has never had a drink and cannot remember what she did. Is this alcoholism or embarrassment. So if she doesn’t acknowledge it she doesn’t have to apologise. I’m confused.
The husband buys her the drink because it keeps her sweet! It is clear to me and my husband that she doesn’t love him. It’s sad to watch, all he does it praise her for things she does. He keeps saying bless her and she works hard. I’m afraid if I open my gob and tell him exactly what I think the friendship between him and my hubby may end. She has some hold over him and I don’t know what it is. Below is the answer:

Dr. Uhr answers:

The hold you refer to is called “codependence“. It sounds very likely that your husband’s firned is married to an alcoholic. Often when someone is married to an alcoholic spouse, codependent issues are involved. Many times an alcoholic husband or alcoholic wife is very selfish and seeks a mate that is overly generous/”giving”. This is the core dynamic of a codependent relationship. The alcoholic spouse picks a mate who has low self-esteem and therefore “tolerates”addiction. Your husband’s friend may also fear abandonment and rejection which keeps him from leaving his alcoholic spouse. He should go to therapy and deal with this codependent relationship with his alcoholic wife. He should also go to Al-Anon to get ideas how to set boundaries with his alcoholic spouse. His spouse has a serious disease; addiction. She is addicted to alcohol and he is addicted to her.

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Your Question About Living With An Alcoholic Husband

Dr. Uhr — Sat, 02 Apr 2011 19:45:01 +0000

James asks…

my husband is an alcoholic, I want to leave him…?

I have been married for three years now and I can not live with his addiction. The problem is that my parents believe that in our family no one went through divorce and if I do it I will be excommunicated from my own family, but they are the only one to help me to get out of this situation. What should I do. I’m really sad right now and my husband is somewhere out drinking. Help me please. Thank you.

Dr. Uhr answers:

Every one has their own limit of what they can handle when living with an alcoholic spouse. It is very difficult to be married to an alcoholic husband. Your friends or your parents, are not living in your shoes. Only you can decide what is right for you. Sit down with your alcoholic husband when he is sober and express your concerns.

Go to Al-Anon meetings where you can talk to other women who have learned different ways to handle similar situations with their alcoholic spouse. A therapist can help you learn to set healthy boundaries (and face any codependent behavior). You may be “enabling” your spouse to continue his excessive drinking. If you break your codependent behavior, he may be open to getting help for excessive drinking and your marriage will improve.

5 Tips To Improve Living With an Alcoholic Spouse

Dr. Uhr — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 17:39:41 +0000

Anyone married to an alcoholic spouse is familiar with the extreme ups and downs. When your alcoholic husband or alcoholic wife has been drinking, they are most likely very difficult to get along with. Many people describe their alcoholic spouse to me as a great person when they are sober. Right now, you are living with both sides of your spouse; the good (sweet, caring) and the bad (angry, volatile, critical, aggressive).

Here are the 5 ways not to let “the dark side” of your alcoholic spouse rule over you:

1. Quit trying to get your alcoholic spouse to stop drinking alcohol. Give up that power struggle. It creates tension and is ineffective. It will free you to give up this role of trying to control your spouse’s disease.

2. Stop any codependent behavior. Do not rescue your alcoholic husband or alcoholic wife by lying or covering up for them. Codependent behaviors perpetuate excessive drinking.

3. Go to Al-Anon meetings or Families Anonymous to get support from others whose spouse has a probem with excessive drinking. It will help you feel less alone and learn how others have made this transition.

4. Start building your own life separate from your alcoholic spouse. I know this is tough, but it means reaching out to friends, looking for enjoyng your job, finding hobbies, taking the family places even if your alcoholic husband or alcoholic wife doesn’t show up (Church, family functions etc.).

5) Consider an alcohol intervention with a professional interventionist to help break though your alcoholic spouse’s denial of their disease.