a leaf blowing by

bepopping by

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Fri, 24 Apr 2026 22:56:00 +0000

Ug, I'm so out of practice. I couldn't decide whether to make a new blog, but this one feels somewhat comfortable and I like the code, so I may be coming back here for awhile.

See ya

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Wed, 12 Jul 2023 17:18:00 +0000

I'm moving to a new blog, might be private for awhile. If I decide to make it public I'll link it in the heading here. Love you guys, be sweet, be well.

misfits

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Wed, 12 Jul 2023 16:54:00 +0000

My fave Misfits, though.

One way out

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Wed, 12 Jul 2023 16:23:00 +0000

The working prison in Andor.

7...

Someone check the angles.

A god's eye, ojo de dios, has 8 sides. Ask why.

:edit: Original publish timestamp. Learn to see all the numbers. On a whim this published precisely 'on the clock'. I make all my timestamps on whims. I don't 'fix' them. Maybe pay attention.

If casting lots, which we are warned not to put our faith in, is important to you, wonder sometimes what lots God casts through us as living stones.

Wonder how His Spirit moves us.

Wonder why we fixate on sorcery and conjuring what we want into existence when we already exist.

People will start floating with joy once they understand.

Number worship isn't what we are here for. Let it go. We ARE the numbers. All the numbers are inside us. Learn to see.

by the way

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Sat, 08 Jul 2023 21:44:00 +0000

7, not 8.

Remember that time I was looking up wind rose compasses and what in the world that had to do with information systems?

Base 8.

Anyone paying real attention would have caught when I was doing.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rose_(mathematics)

Information systems.

https://eusci.org.uk/2020/07/29/myth-busting-the-golden-ratio/

Mind portals. Aspienado already knew this many years ago.

Mind games...

The time has come, the Walrus said, to speak of many things...

Of shoes and ships and sealing wax

Of cabbages and kings...

Hey you, get off of my Cloud.

I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee.

Clouded thoughts.

Portals get us into the Cloud.

Cabbage Patch Kids.

Divine Seeds. Roses.

Erased... from existence... -Doc Brown

Follow me.

Cabbages and roses were interchangeable in the old ads featuring children coming from France to be adopted in the States, and they arrived by mail.

Shoes are saved off piles of bodies during wars.

Sealing wax makes contracts official.

Ships are part of the universal postal system administering global maritime law.

7. When is a non Fibonicci number important?

When it tells the truth.

Casting Lot

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Sat, 08 Jul 2023 19:42:00 +0000

People are the stones of destiny, scattered in castes across a jewel in a night sky, lost in patterns of myth and legend.

A Shepherd came looking for His sheep.

I grew up with sheep under a night sky. My job was to herd them through the brush without letting them wander into the wash, what we called the arroyo by our house.

Escaping the Arroyo...

Message received, by the way.

But where was I? Deep in a pink thought, perhaps. Maybe I'll finish it later.

role > film

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Wed, 05 Jul 2023 20:27:00 +0000

The hardest part, I think, for many people, is not realizing 😕 he literally means it.

Time in a bottle.

You edit your clothes.

Edit. Audit.

In the game I play, Elvenar, there are 2 ways to map neighboring provinces. The most obvious map is the one that shows us proximity of neighbors that we 'discover' as we clear provinces that lie around us in concentric circles.

The other one is a list of player names in the order they are mapped in the concentric circles, which just looks like a list.

If you are not aware of how the game creators create their mapping associations, you don't know that you can also visualize the player names as a growing 3D spiral connected by timestamp points.

What I've been finding fascinating is how often similar player names lay side by side on province maps even though they are nowhere near each other in lists. What are the chances that enola and etola woud be next to each other? Or Navarone and Lady Jedi?

When players delete or abandon accounts, the game creators must move players around on the maps to fill in dead zones, otherwise initial player interaction would become almost impossible. One could imagine alphabetical ordering might be used in some circumstances, but the weirdly placed scifi genre? I could compile a variety of similarly themed names winding up next to each other out of the blue in what seems to be a random ordering system of moving new players in over old accounts being deleted. I'm finding it extremely amusing and statistically impossible unless someone is having some fun. But, as I said years ago, even a random system (card shuffling, as it were) lining perfect order back up accidentally doesn't mean anyone inside the system is cognizant of it unless one assigns meaning to that particular order.

Some of us can see this happening on a very ginormous scale, this 'lining up' of random things that seem otherwise widely separated or unassociated in normal focus. 🤔

I see it across *everything*.

I see all times as now.

To something (quantum intelligence) or someone (immortal) with an infinite point of view, we are playthings, tiny dots. Our thinking is barely blipworthy.

If 'time' (a way of visualizing a map) is accessible at all 'points' or increments and variables, time in our minds from that point of view would seem static. We picture it as all 'times' 'standing still', or freeze frame.

I see it as dynamic, squirming, writhing with depth upon depth. If the 'observer' has access to all points and can interact (interfere) at will, then time is both dynamic and responsive. The map moves. The maze changes.

Time, times, and half a time

Time is counted. There is always an accounting over counted time.

I let this sit for a couple of days to be sure it's what I mean to say.

Don't forget I left twitter. I needed to test something.

Yum

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Thu, 29 Jun 2023 21:53:00 +0000

enchanted

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Thu, 22 Jun 2023 17:37:00 +0000

A photo showed up in my life yesterday.

It came to me directly, but nothing else came with it.

It seems to have a cover, like the way UPS will rent a box to cover up origin addresses.

It doesn't seem to be public, unless it's taken from public stock and manipulated enough to make it unrecognizable to tineye.

I looked it up, nice set. Don't know if the one sending it owns a set or is letting me know something.

Here is a real life reminder why I don't really care about people spamming me with numbers and riddles and crap.

https://pinkyguerrero.blogspot.com/2015/11/whoa-just-bounced-right-through-your.html

I've mentioned a few times across blogs I don't care. Other people do the numbers, I lurk and watch the people and connect dots. That's my thang. But I deleted my rescue twitter, didn't I? And then I deleted the next one, didn't I? That's right, I'm completely noninteractive on twitter for the first time in well over a decade. And I guess someone is getting bored being ignored or something. I mean, that could've all been a meaningless accident, but then so were all those spam hits for years destroying my blog stats, right? Just a random thing.

Random.

https://pinkyguerrero.blogspot.com/2017/05/like-cool-kids.html

Because it all started with a special hit from a posh golf course, didn't it?

https://pinkyguerreroblog.blogspot.com/2018/09/the-weeping-world.html

I've told the story of how it all started a few times.

https://pinkfeldspar.blogspot.com/2020/09/qphamism.html

In case you need the original post I was talking about.

https://pinkyguerrero.blogspot.com/2016/11/this-is-space-filler-post.html

Most people don't get this title, where I was kind of playfully figuring it out for the public.

https://pinkyguerrero.blogspot.com/2017/06/on-complicated-fence.html

I wrote this up last year to be very clear about hating lies.

https://aleafblowingby.blogspot.com/2022/08/brain-candy.html

Since I deleted my twitters, I've gone so deep that the answers are all around me. God Himself just shows me stuff, connects all the things I collected into my head, easy easy easy. I am His. I am not anyone else's. No one can enchant me for long, and I can find EVERYTHING.

I guess maybe someone is letting me know they can, too, but I already knew that. They just miss me toying with them.

It. Is. ALL. PSYOP.

All of it. There is no more distinction. I'm at the top of the question and answer heap and I'm satisfied with what I've found.

If you want out of the "game", get off the board. Anyone on the board wants you dead, or they are so deluded that they can't imagine being off the board in their wildest dreams.

The war isn't controlled by people. It just looks like it is.

The war is a mind twisting infinitely cut mobius strip. You can't tell what side you're on because it's all one side.

You are 'trapped' in a Klein bottle. Want out? Let it all go. Walk away. It's only there to keep your mind trapped.

Lurking is fun for awhile, but it got very, very boring for me. Here is a 'lurk' montage in case you are very bored.

https://pinkyguerrero.blogspot.com/search?q=lurk

But I truly do love people trying.

the war that started it all

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Wed, 17 May 2023 20:40:00 +0000

Saturn riding the Dark Horse
click pic for source

As I once wrote in electric sheep and windmills (my second most popular post since 2012), this may take a bit of imagining.

In the beginning of that time humanity was to show up as a new thing, there was a servant of our Heavenly Father, a most beautiful being, who was trusted completely with full perms and access to a cool new gaming platform. Until he threw a great big fit about it.

Spoiler alert- Those of you who've actually seen game coders try to rise up and lock admins and even the game creator out of his own server (think public minecraft server) so they could recode the game without anyone being able to stop them might be able to see where I'm going with this. However, that is only a visual helping us look over a very serious matter.

We aren't given a lot of details about all the back and forth of damage done and stuff said and likely a very haughty challenge given, but somehow that rascal got locked into the game.

😆 wait... 😑😬😨😰😭

We do know there was an actual war in some kind of dimension that ripped "Heaven" apart (whatever that is) and about a third of the immortals were cast out/down to "Earth", the gaming platform or server. Like, we're stuck in a closed system with a bunch of immortal brats who want nothing more than to own and control everything in this game, including ALL OF US.

Let's think through the process of taking over creation, as it were.

The first thing usurpers do is twist up some loyal followers, a real insult back at the game Creator who made this really cool world full of beautiful places and awesome experiences to have (cliff jumping in one of those little flying suits, right). In this game we would be able to learn autonomy and choices (despite what some say, you can make choices about circumstances and behaviors without evil being necessary to instigate it) and generally grow into cool creative beings with a great potential for lovingkindness and problem solving.

How to twist... Because everything in the beginning was truth, peace, love, etc. A 'fallen' person can't really out-create the Creator, and everything was already splendid, so there had to be a way to start twisting it into something else. The immediate choice was twisting up human thinking, and I'll share with you some things I've picked up through several years of research. I'll say it simply, and if you want to go find this stuff yourself, go for it. It's really hard to put together because they've kept it hidden from the 'do-gooders' all this time.

The most evil thing you can do to game coding is set it upon itself, literally eating up the game. And that is where it all started with humans. Most people aren't aware of the Kabbalah Tree of Life and the darker esoteric meanings behind it all, which is fine, innocence needs to abound so we don't all die of hopelessness. But basically, there is this nasty way of life that some families live, feeding off their own birthing.

Lucy likes to make deals. (I call him that for short.) It's usually subtle and then right to the point. He obviously knows everything there is to know about this game since he had access and perms, so of course he knows about frequencies and plasmas and how brains work physically and psychologically, and he offers knowledge to MOAR of whatever in exchange for whatever taboo great or small he can eek out of a person. So real quick, he taught women (and through them the men) (I'll interject purportedly because I'm simplifying this) to use birthing as easy access to drugs, power, and control. Matriarchs in dark families know exactly what this is. Everything about birth is the best the body has to offer, and the beings that are grown from births can be controlled. For those of you who don't understand, the most powerful healing and intoxicating drugs are made in our own bodies, and people can be farmed for these drugs. Those raised in dark families are psychologically stripped and remade into drones, and these are the elite that run the world, doing Lucy's bidding.

Before I move on from this starting at the very beginning of humanity (some families still trace their ancestries clear back to Cain), I need to share a mystery about women. We are born with portals, a vesica piscis that allows souls to enter into this world in human form. This is the only way souls come into this world. Later on we learn that because of this portal into the game, demons cannot portal back to Heaven, a rules restriction. This alone indicates plenty about why in the world Lucy would want to re- and de-gender the entire planet and push transhuman tech on everyone with forced nanochipping under the guise of vaccinating. Even if a demon manages to be born (think 'giants in those days'), only humans are granted God's Holy Spirit through Christ, which is the way 'back' out of this game.

click snip to see John 3:5-7

I've been thinking about this for most of my life, studying my eyeballs and brains out for years in everything I can get my hands on, and from all the stacks and stacks and stacks of stuff I've sorted and sifted through, this seems to me to be at the heart of the vortex of fear through all our generations. Human sacrifice started at the beginning with Cain's family and continued through the many generations, swallowing whole nations with perversion and control mechanisms. Child sacrifice to Baal (or insert false god name here) have been going on for millennia in some form or another. In the time of Jesus it was still pretty blatant, and everyone knew exactly what those sacrifices and temple virgins were for. Human farming was a basic standard in religions the world over for so many generations that most people confuse it with the one true God who never required it to begin with. Once you grasp how prolific human sacrifice was throughout bible times, you start understanding what the whole big deal was when Jesus showed up. Along with human sacrifice came money magick, a sort of usury that keeps the poor poor while the money gamers (exchangers) 'make money on money', like right out of thin air. This still goes on under Admiralty or Maritime law and global banking, which, incidentally, have human sacrifice going on behind the scenes for those at the top controlling the money.

So that's quite a lot to take in if you've never run into all this stuff before, but wait, there's more!

It's kind of hard to keep up with all the research digging that individuals are doing on medias, and there is so much that there is just no time for it all, but I'll hand you an easy freebie demonstrating that our world history is not what we assume it is, what we've been told. The written chronological history doesn't match up to archaeological proofs, and this is a tiny piece of a much bigger picture.

On top of that, there's quite a bit of science we take for granted (because the entire world was formally indoctrinated with a belief system via 'schools') that is turning out to be demonstrably false once enough heads get together with sources and proofs from lifetimes of researching, but I won't go into that right now, it's too overwhelming. All I'll say at this point is everything we know has been so twisted for so long that we can no longer discern truth, because original truth is just gone. A world full of regular people with access to tech are very slowly (over several decades) putting together a huge puzzle of what can definitively be said to not be true because it simply just can't be. And given that, the questions arise over mass psychological programming and behold, actual papers are surfacing from decades past from government offices about doing just that. So basically, we are all 'farmed' to some degree, be it for our workforce, our indebtedness, our 'contributions' to 'society', our literal children (in some countries) being taken for military training, mass medical experimentation in the poorer countries, and much more. Our schools keep us in line with popularly accepted truths about what our world is, and very few question how controlled we all are. One example is an article I wrote about the Rockefellers initiating a Lockstep program, called Are you stuck in a rut?

So while the Green New Deal happens and the World Health Organization decides all our fates, we can't believe the conspiracy 'theories' (literal conspiracies) because we're so brain-trained to dismiss what isn't formally educated into us that we have a hard time figuring things out without constantly checking screens. That's all disttraction. What is really going on?

Lucy is a busy guy. He hates the whole creation thing, he loathes us so much he can hardly stand it, and he is hellbent on making everything about Earth a nasty perversion of what it was originally supposed to be. He delights in all our sufferings in every way possible throughout our waking moments and long into the nights. How can he do all this? Well, he's not human, he's this immortal dude with maxed up wizard level knowledge, and not only does he have this huge posse with him, he's also constantly sucking people into making deals and tradeoffs. You know those panic attacks you get? God never created that. You know that guilt you live with all the time? God isn't the one picking on you. You know the sadness that never goes away? THAT was manufactured specifically for you by 'fallens' that hate your guts. Their goal is your misery because God created you to be happy. Their goal is to supplant natural happiness with gluttony and greed and addictions like porn, gambling, and pills/alcohol/shooting up. They have infiltrated everything nice in this world and twisted it up into nesting dolls of control mechanisms.

And the slyest way they pull people in is with the promise of magic.

Be careful and think this through.

Because I've spent a lifetime going to God and getting exactly what I need when I need it, I know there are what some might call game cheats. God is cool like that. The game Creator has cheat codes and we are told all through the bible how to use them. Why cheat codes? Because we are prisoners of war under siege. While the 'players' use their fancy magic rituals to control outcomes and other people, I just ask God. He's bigger than all their magic.

True story, and I've told it many times. For those who say this world isn't what we're told, I've definitely seen that with my own eyes. One day a few years back I was about to drive through a very busy intersection when the car opposite me suddenly gunned out to turn left right across my path, maybe distracted by a cell phone instead of looking up at the turn light. When the straight lanes turned green, there he went. I've driven for many years, I know traffic and my car very well. I knew immediately he'd be plowing my bumper off if not worse, and without even thinking I thought God, I don't want this to happen. I mean, my first word in dire situations is always God, like a running convo. And within seconds I watched the fronts of his and my cars phase right through each other halfway up the hood. I drove on through in shock, evidently not being hit at all, and for two blocks was going that really happened, that really happened...

And that is not the only miracle I've witnessed. Magic can't hold a candle to what God can do. I bring up magic because it's important in the song below.

Since this is long, I'll stop here for now, but you guys need to think through a few things. There are reasons God wants us to be nice people. There are reasons that loving and forgiving each other are the only way to 'win'.

What is this race to the finish line?

“Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Hebrews 12:1-3

Who is the dark horse?

Those who wrap their lives around the zodiac, esoteric mysticism, and keeping secrets are helping the controllers control of us, whether they know it or not. Riddlers cannot tell you why they riddle because they swear blood oaths to keep silent. Interestingly, Alister Crowley would approve (Shh!) because underneath it all, they are all in bed together. Jesus said let your light so shine and that we are a lamp of light to all who are in the house. This is why they want Christian faith and talking about Jesus outlawed, because Christians (the real ones) expose evil for what it is. And no, Lucy and Jesus aren't the same guy. 2 Corinthians 6:15 That idea has been around forever, just another twist to mess people up so they won't have hope. Just as we saw up there that the truth of our chronological history can be twisted, so can etymological history. It's all a big brainwash. I don't believe for one second that the idea of good can even exist if it wasn't already existing on its own.

Every word in this song could be from Satan himself, and probably is. He's full of himself that way.

actually really done

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Mon, 17 Apr 2023 13:05:00 +0000

Been sorting piles of stacked up stuffs and am very pleased to be making some final decisions on a few things.

I'll be deactivating my main twitter account as soon as the twitter blue auto payment has actually stopped and the checkmark goes away. (Never deactivate anything without stopping auto payments.) No looking back. I'm done with that crazy mess. Social media for ANYONE is an invitation into mental illness, and you guys know how easily and compulsively sucked into every conceivable rabbit hole I am.
I'm done sharing my life on the internet, although I do still enjoy blogging when I need to. I put years of work into journaling online and that will probably never really stop, but I've moved forward through a great big vibrant door into a very relieving new atmosphere and I don't foresee the kind of faceplant fail I used to go through all the time without support. That plus sometimes endless spam calls about 'publishing my book' will probably eventually lead to making all my blogs private. I know I've said I'll never do that again, but honestly, I don't owe anyone that kind of a promise.
My neuroses are over. That is a decision I'm making. Me and God will walk through whatever happens around me together, and I'm not going to angst about it. I walked away from all TV and social media 'news' over the last few months and I do not miss it. No more checking to see what is going on in the world. I'm spending the rest of my life not worried.
I'm also done with TV reviewing and being a fan of shows and actors. DONE. It's all distraction designed to make us stop living our own lives so we'll live vicariously on couches. Some of you saw how many years I put into that on twitter and TV review blogging. What a waste of time.

I have things to do, places to go, people to see. I'm busy.

See ya.

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Tue, 11 Apr 2023 13:19:00 +0000

Existential Aspie

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Mon, 03 Apr 2023 19:05:00 +0000

we all hide who we are

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Wed, 11 Jan 2023 22:33:00 +0000

This is from an email letter I wrote to a young mother in summer of 2010 who was feeling devastated with a life crippling illness making normal parenting almost impossible. The hard copy I printed out is a time-stamped proof of who I am. I have been sharing a very arduous personal journey for many years online, but all people see on the internet is just that. Well, there is truth, and then there is truth.

Hi, J-

Your mom occasionally forwards emails you send out, so I just read your latest one about Job.

I could write a lengthy book here, but I'm not going to. (Actually... ok, it's a book.) I don't openly share a lot about myself and my own pain that I've endured since my mid-20s, partly because others don't have the stamina to keep encouraging me since this is nonstop. They are at a loss what to say or do for me, and I have learned to 'let them off the hook' so they won't feel guilty for neglecting me. I've been literally abandoned by two different churches over ten years, which are still very painful memories for me. I've had many and very long personal conversations with God and have come to realize this is about me, not them, not the churches. Yes, it is shameful when churches let people with great challenges fall through cracks, but where 2 or 3 are gathered in His name, there He is among them, and as you know, we are NEVER alone.

I'm glad to hear you still have some support, mostly via that doctor who you know so well. At least that is something. I lost my 17 year long history with Cox when our insurance changed and I had to flip to St. John's, which forced me to drag through a long list of new specialists and spend tens of thousands more in copays, deductibles, tests, and ER to reestablish a new history, despite 500 pages of medical hardcopy from Cox. And ~still~ they debate about what is going on with me, and I have no relief. I was told by a pain specialist last year that he was afraid to even try a pain shot in my neck in radiology (fluoro needle guidance, they call it), as I have become so chemically and physically sensitive that my body reacts instantly now with lupus-like reactions even to the smallest disturbance. I no longer take contrast with MRIs because I finally had allergic reaction. I've had nearly every test from head to toe, and joke that I've had more brain scans than any person I know.

Then I see warnings on the news or something about radiation from over testing causing cancer, and I just laugh my head off.

The hardest part, as you were expressing, is losing vital social contact, losing activity that defines us, losing connections and hopes. Many people who go through these feelings go through horrible depressions and sometimes suicide. People who have never been through this don't understand the depth of despair we must wade through simply just facing the reality of being alone in our pain and defeats.

On top of the pain, there is the added insult of going through regular illness, or worse, debilitating illness that does not strike others because they are normal enough to handle it. Being worn down from pain and medications leaves a person especially vulnerable. A couple of years ago I spent months recovering from CMV, one of a thousand types of mono that most people never even know they have, and I lost even more ability and became so weak and foggy brained that I could barely function. I rarely tell anyone how bad things get, but I'm sure you know the drill.

I don't know if you blog, but there are MANY of us 'out there'. My biggest relief was finding other people who know how I feel, even if I just lurk and don't interact. My biggest challenge is facing death every single day (because it FEELS like death, and the doctors keep checking, and even though I ~seem~ healthy, this pain is daily death), and not falling into despair.

Some years ago it dawned on me that God 'gave' me lupus (or allowed it) to teach me something. We've reached the conclusion (so far) that this is a neurological illness that cause lupus flareups and is now affecting my brain (but no damage seen yet, thank goodness), but the common thread through it all is that it constantly ~slows me down~. Why? I think back on my life and realize that slowing down gives a person volumes of time to think, deeper realizations to reach, conclusions that others may not get to until old age or sudden horrible accident. I'm actually being allowed to learn *gently*. No sudden impact on my life that rips my world apart, just this long slow daily trudge, a death that has so far spanned two decades.

Realizing this point of view, I began to question- what am I to learn? I'm already forced to become the most patient longsuffering person I know, so what is this all for? I look at the world around me, busy Christians running hither and yon, and realize even more that I've already lost everything and have learned to be content. I can't even sit in my yard under a shade tree on a cloudy day without risking severe burns (I also have PLE, polymorphous light eruption), I can't walk through Walmart (and I crash into things when I drive a motorcart, gets pretty funny unless you're someone I've just barely missed), I can't travel with Scott to Florida when he sees his dad (travel in any form devastates me, I can be ill for months after a long road trip because of what sitting does to my spine and nervous system, despite all precautions), it's all I can do to meet my sisters at a restaurant every 6 months for a meal and then I need to go home right away while I can still handle a car. I seem to have a 'window' on good days, after that window closes my body and brain shut down and I become quite dangerous on the road.

(Much of this in the above paragraph has been resolving over the last couple of years, although I'm still nowhere back to any kind of real normal.)

I don't like telling people all this stuff, because I despise the 'you poor thing', although I don't mind the 'bless your heart' stuff. People can bless my heart all they want, just don't make a weird puppy face and put me in a spotlight.

What I want is to LAUGH. I told God some years ago, as I lay in my bed in such sadness for all that I'd lost in life, what I want is JOY, like the little lambs that bounce around in the fields. If I can have nothing else back, at least give me that.

Joy came to me that day and has never left. It's very real. I feel like I have a blanket around me, and even though I still go through my daily trudge and still have crippling pain and utterly embarrassing brain fog and seemingly no hope for 'happiness' and 'fun' with other people, I have an insight that fills me with stuff I can't even describe to you. It's like stepping outside of myself and being able to really see the bigger picture, the wondrous stuff. Never before in my life have I had understanding like I do now. I see patterns in human behavior, I see unique aspects in every person, and even though I'm NOT the feel-goodity type that loves the human race (I have Asperger's, I joke all the time that I was naturally born to hate people), I see their 'insides', pains and anguishes, almost like I see their hair and eyes.

I have chickens. I've often wondered what it must be like to live that way, no kisses or hugs for comfort, no privacy or escape from the group, no words to explain, and I can't even twist my mind around putting my head upside down while standing up and keeping my balance, on one foot while I'm at it. Encumbered by long pin feathers out of every part of my body. But if you watch them long enough, you see that they do find comfort. Even on hot nights, they roost shoulder to shoulder. If one is having a bad day, it squeezes into the middle. I used to think chickens were cruel, because they peck each other, but when Spencer (my freaky-outy chicken) flew cackling back to the group from the woods, Macy (the boss) pecked her in the face till she shut up, and it hit me that's what it was, "shut up, you fool, something could have followed your screeching back from the woods and gotten us all". Another time Spencer cried and cried because she was sick and molty in the winter time, and all the chickens gathered real close and grabbed little neck feathers in their beaks. At first it seemed mean, but as I watched I realized it comforted her to have them all right there, paying attention, and when she quit crying they still stood quietly by her.

Humans are like that. God watches us 'flock' together, doing what we do to comfort each other, or hang out doing stuff. And He can see us like I see my chickens. Only better, because He doesn't get tired and go in for a nap like I do. Just like I know every inch of each chicken and know from day to day how they are feeling and what brings them joy or fear, so God knows us. And if we have the time (most people don't have the time at all), God shows us ~us~, the way He sees us, and shows us how to see each other the way He sees us.

There was a reason God allowed me to be stripped of everything that made me me. He is creating a new me, a more blessed me who is less attached to this body and the things of this world, and more insightful to His real plans for us. What I used to think I wanted to do for Him was only a distraction. He wants more of me. Maybe I can no longer sit in a church pew or visit people in hospitals or get involved with VBS (and I do still miss all that), but what I can do is amazing. We have the power to transcend our bodies, and our pain. Doesn't mean we don't have pain, and I'm not for one moment downplaying your pain. I've had long weeks, months, years of pain that all but ruined me, and I'm here to say there IS hope, and light at the end of a tunnel, if you want to use that visual. Almost adding insult to injury, in what is one of the big cosmic jokes of the century, I am now allergic to so many meds that I no longer take pain killers. Yowza. No muscle relaxers, nada. I took handfuls of meds for years until the meds themselves nearly killed me. A swollen liver is no fun. And here I am, still going. Severely limited, but still going.

I discovered about 4 years ago that I can blog in such a way that I attracted a LOT of people. I found out that others were looking for the same things I was looking for, and they found me in the search engines, and I gave them hope. I tend to be more comical about it, but it held true for just about anything anyone was going through. There are certain things we are all here to learn, and I just happen to be on the fast track. I realized that just by sitting in my house I could reach thousands of people all over the world in an instant. Who knew a hopeless middle aged puny person could actually make other people feel better just by moving her fingers?

I have talked to a LOT of people online, all ages. Kids who have completely lost faith in their parents' religions (usually Christianity), women who secretly cut and abuse themselves out of guilt, men with rage problems that destroy their relationships, kids with terminal illnesses, you name it, I've run into it. Or they have found me. The biggest problem common to all of us is that we don't feel accepted or loved, we don't feel forgiven or forgivable, we feel lost in a big maze of people, none of us have lives like what we see on TV, and we all hide who we are. Even with all this technology and the most psychologically healthy century this planet has ever known, we are afraid to TALK to one another. Really talk.

God isn't finished with you yet, as they say. You will (hopefully) round a corner where you kinda forget about yourself and what you left behind. You'll see a way forward and feel useful again. You'll feel less picked on and more guided through your body. I have learned that any kind of pain spike when I'm around people means I am to ~shut up~ and let them talk. It's happened so often it's like I'm trained. I'll be fine, I'll be ready to open my mouth, pain spikes through my head or arm or something, and after I keep my mouth shut, someone else says something that was either more important and needing to come out, or shined more light on what I really should be saying, not what I thought I should be saying. I feel like a horse with a bridle on, like what happens in my body guides me. I am meant NOT to be more involved in certain ways, not because it's a bad thing, but maybe God wants others to figure things out their own ways. Maybe He wants me to enjoy THEIR singing (I sang in a church choir on TV, I know what you mean about missing singing). Maybe He even wants me to go out of my way to tell them how much I enjoyed THEM. And I'm not a flowery compliment-y kind of person, but I'm learning that other people need to hear it. It's like, and I hope you are 'old enough' in your pain now to appreciate this, it's like the weaker ones need the attention. Us stronger ones are subdued out of the way. Because, J, you are quite a strong person. You may not feel like it right now, and you may even resent me saying this, but you are so strong that you overshadow others. We are like a garden, God tends to us.

You said someone said that you are like Job (I happen to love that book, in my top 5 faves in the bible, because I love cranky people, and Job, honestly, was a demanding whiner who glorified in his suffering just to annoy his 'useless' friends) (ok, that's just my interpretation, but nevertheless), anyway, the point being made that every pain was being used against you, etc. That is true in the beginning and can be true for many years. Yeah, there's no 'escape' for people like us. BUT. God wouldn't have allowed it if you weren't strong enough. You are SO strong that Satan is taunted by your presence and takes glee in your suffering. The more you writhe in agony and anguish, the more he glories over you.

Or not... There comes a point in the human soul when a person has had enough, and pain becomes meaningless. It will simply always be there. There are men on this planet (and women, no doubt) who have suffered terrible things, many for 'nothing'. Men spend years in foreign prisons, starving, beaten, and tortured. People die in terrible fires, a horrible pain I would never trade this life for, no matter how fleeting that pain is. Men have had their heads hacked off, women have been stoned to death, all for others' whims or beliefs or madness, and mostly for 'nothing' but Satan's glee. Just being born on this planet means we suffer, in every conceivable way, whether physically, mentally, emotionally. Millennia of billions of people suffering. We must not let our recent illusion of freedom and shopping whisper that we somehow deserve to escape suffering, just because we live in a new nation with ideals and people going soft with cushy lives and what the rest of the world would call wealth.

What we choose is how we handle what we bear. We can become bitter, or we can become joyous, yes, even in our suffering. I had to ask for it, there was no way I could become joyous on my own. Life can sparkle again, even on your worst days. Little moments can transcend what once were great deeds (in our eyes). Perhaps that is the whole point- the little moments are more important and more precious than "a life well lived". It's hard not to feel envious of others who 'work for the Lord' and whatever, have sooooo been there. It's not fair, it's cruel fate, it's ironically stupid. But you are given an opportunity others won't be given because they are not strong enough for this kind of challenge- to step back, to see the bigger picture that God sees, and to become something even better. The key is to let go of the feelings that naturally come with being stopped in your tracks like this. Bitter disappointments, resentment, despair (no hope), anger. These things eventually fall away like scabs, but we must stop picking at them. Let go of what you ~could~ have been. Embrace who you are now, love your poor body for what it must go through to serve (it helps me to think of my body as my steed, my faithful companion through thick and thin, my vehicle that keeps clunking along no matter what, even if it has to crawl- I actually feel sorry for it having to go through this with me), prepare to rise to the challenge being asked of you, and pray for peace on your soul, protection from more harm, safety from disaster (read your tornado letter, too, that was amazing), pray for everything else to be EASY and SMOOTH, because your life is already hard enough. And pray for joy. Approach the throne boldly with your requests, knowing God will take care of you. It's hard to do that when we feel punished daily, with no reward of relief.

Off the subject, but one sleepless night as I lay on the couch asking God what it's all for, I suddenly thought to ask Him who I am, please show me who I am. I had the most awesome dream that night, one of those attitude altering dreams. I was so wowed, and there is no way I can describe it. All I can do is recommend trying it yourself, dive into metaphysical philosophical questioning (be demanding like Job!), and some really incredible stuff will be shared with you.

Love you. I won't say 'hang in there' because when people say that to me I'm usually mentally crumpled up in a heap on the floor and the hanging in there part is long over, but at least know that a shovel is coming to scrape you back up off the floor and set you back into a chair, and that even if this happens over and over, you soon learn to enjoy the shovel ride. I know, things get weird when you visualize through pain, but it really does work.

Again, some of my problems have been somewhat resolving, especially the pain levels I lived with for many years, and it's weird to look back at it now. I did leave one thing out in that letter, and that was to pray for healing. I did that one day about 6 months after I wrote this letter. I wrote down what happened at gotta see your face some more. I'll put an excerpt over.

Through all these things I've been learning how to balance my natural innate negativity through embracing publicity, challenging my baditudes and praying to be good for other people. I have prayed for 2 things for myself through the years. Usually prayers are for other people or all of us or something, but 2 very definite things I have prayed for myself.

Years ago during my worst illness and growing ugliness (hair loss, weight gain, attitude affected by meds and pain), I cried and told God if I must lose everything else, at least let Scott come home happy to see my face. I looked pretty rough for a few years, and I had to stop fixing my hair and wearing makeup. I couldn't afford nice clothes with all the money going out for medical, and we went bankrupt before I wound up with full disability. I was so depressed. God, please let Scott be happy to see my face, because I don't know how he can stand to even look at me. Well, my hair still hasn't gone gray and I barely have a wrinkle on my whole face and I'm 56. I've been told that being on estrogen therapy for 20 years can do that, but was also told I'd start aging very quickly after getting off those in 2012. Not really holding my breath resisting, still can't wear makeup, but I've been able to grow my hair back out and Scott and I laugh together about something every day. I'm glad to see his face because he's my best friend, and I guess and hope he's still glad to see mine, even when I still have bad days and get very cranky with him, and he doesn't deserve it. My brain is my enemy on those days, not him.
I also reached a point where I prayed for healing. I was raised stoicly believing that to pray for one's own anything was vain, so I've never really prayed for my own well being. We are all here to learn through our suffering, right? Well, after some deep thought just before I met my latest doctor in 2011, just before Christmas of 2010, I prayed for healing. I had come through some very hard years of months and months of back to back viral illnesses on top of severe nearly unlivable nerve disorder pain, and I was reaching a point where I wasn't sure I could keep hanging on out of spiritual duty. I was breaking inside and could no longer hide it. I reasoned for a few days that if I really do pray for healing, I mustn't be stupid about it. God doesn't work miracles for us to toss it back. If I commit to that prayer, then I commit to true healing with everything possible I can do to help take care of myself. I wouldn't get better to be stupid about it and ruin my health again. One day I was ready and I prayed. The next day the holes in my pierced ears had both closed up. They had never done that in 20 years. I immediately decided it would be blasphemous to get them repierced and gave all my earrings away. From then on has all been positive progress. It has been long and hard, but I wound up with the best possible primary care doctor, got diagnosed immediately and fast tracked so the right specialists and physical therapy. Years of doctors before him were just struggles with very addicting medications and the long slow descent into the hell of premature aging, without hope.

So laying there in pre-op, I knew I am ready now. I've done what I've apparently set out to do in this life coming to this earth, and I felt at peace. I've learned how to heal relationships, how to take much better care of myself, how to network with other real people with success and hope in mind for all of us. And I want to continue that. I know I'll have brain crash days and be very mixed up and brain chemical spills splashing on others, and I hope they can keep forgiving me. I'm facing a future of dementia as I age, and since brain problems run in my family, I've accepted the idea that I need to keep brain training now while I can to be good for people before I lose more control of this wonderful machine I live in.

This is very long and right now my brain is tired. I've made it through nearly 24 hours of fairly high dose opioids and enjoyed it immensely, but soon I let it go again. Addiction is a bitch, protracted withdrawal will make me mean again, and I wanted to write these feelings out before I forget I had them.

I really like this song, it got me through a lot of hard. At the time, I was deep in hanging on through fandoms. If you are having a rough life, so many hugs to you. 💗💗💗 Bless your heart.

wisdom & understanding

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Mon, 09 Jan 2023 17:16:00 +0000

James 1:5 (KJV) "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him."

I was fairly youngish, early teens I think, when I ran into that verse on my own. I got baptized I think in 1974, pretty sure I was 13, and I never even thought about it being Mother's Day, but later I found out my mom was pleased about that. That's mostly how I remember about when it was because I am horrible with dates. My dad bought me my first bible, real leather dyed a beautiful blue, like this,

although it partially faded to a sort of weird mossy green in patches over many years and heavy use. My dad rarely picked out anything to buy for me himself, so that made a big impact on me. Anyway, by the time I read that verse I was probably 14 or 15.

I took that verse very seriously. I very seriously prayed to God for wisdom and I have never forgotten it, partly because I've so monumentally screwed up my life a few times 😂, partly because I've learned so much from being an idiot so often, and partly because people have actually told me I'm wise. I've also been called a prophet several times. I said all that to say I wasn't instantly given a head full of utter wisdom, but in my opinion, that prayer created a thread of understanding I would eventually come to deeply appreciate.

I won't repeat all my idiocies because I've been blogging so long that they're probably all out there somewhere. Anyone who wants dirt on me can easily find it because I spent so much time dissecting my life, which I used to call doing an autopsy, spreading my brain out like a bunch of guts trying to see what happened.

If you are new to me, I am a dissociated person with scattered memories and fairly severe time disorientation, so blogging helps me keep a few things straight. I cycle through rethinking and remembering every so often, and through years of blogging I have discovered I can stay on track a little better if I do a yearly review.

So ten years ago I was PinkyGuerrero on twitter, freshly back from a hiatus where I completely stopped logging into internet, which was very refreshing. If you'd like to know more about my past without having to go dig, here you go. You're welcome.

5 years from now and scaffolding 👈click (I'll wait.)

Awesome, now I can skip all the rest of the in between stuff and move along. I can actually get to my point faster now.

Coming back out public was a focused attempt at a couple of goals I set to get through intense challenges, including a life crash involving my entire nervous and immune systems that sent me spiraling through 18 years of disabilities and depressions that were literally sink or swim, life or death. I'm doing much better now, but along the way I was easily distracted from my purpose and used by others for mostly attention and head gaming on social medias, but also by some who saw me as a possible money maker for things they were wanting to do. I bounced around like a pinball, nested with a group here and there, disentangled, moved on, etc. A lot of it looked like a waste of time, some of it was pure fail, but along the way, I kept blogging, kept writing, at least stayed focused on the discipline of what I was trying to do, even if I was flailing around and hitting walls. Pinky grew a small weird world fan base that turned into very weird business trolling, and I'm still getting contacted several times a week by people wanting to turn my stuff into their money.

I'm very tired of all that. I've learned loads, yes, but the last ten years of online presence have been ridiculous and not me but people steering me. As my psychologist said many years ago, I am easily led. I'm tired of that. I want to let go, delete everything, just live a very quiet life.

But I prayed for wisdom... My compulsion to keep checking the world pulse, keep seeing what you guys are thinking about it all, keep finding deeper truths and meanings, keep discovering who we really are in all this madness is what has driven me all my life. I was born to see not just bigger but biggest picture. Me and God have been talking this out all my life and I'm obviously not done yet. And God apparently wants me to keep writing because he literally helped me come back from such massive fail over so many years that I've become very, very good at it, despite ALL the challenges.

So I was in church about 3 weeks ago thinking about how I'd like to stop, just let this all go, and I got NO. So I asked what I can even do, I've screwed up my purpose so much skewing into entertainment writing and hanging out with weird crowds, and I got BE YOURSELF. And then I got KEEP WRITING. And that was really interesting because I had completely stopped writing for the first time since 2012. Over the last few months I've barely blurbed, and I didn't miss it.

Be myself.

Keep writing.

And then I saw it, how to do it. I saw how to keep it simple. I saw how to say it.

It would seem I'm not finished yet.

Back to wisdom and understanding, and I'll say this very simply. Sometimes you gotta throw up on a roller coaster ride before walking a path makes sense. Sometimes seeing from other angles and perspectives highlights why a path is important.

And here I'll say exactly how I see it.

This world was always magical and beautiful and bountiful, and coming into this world to experience it was always meant to be a blessing. Being here experiencing and learning the way we do is a neat thing. We're not just a tree or an animal, we're not stuck like a rock, we're not unattached like a wind. We can see and say after we do and experience. We can weep and enjoy and create and hug and learn so many things in a world like this.

But this world has been a captured operation from the git-go. Call it what you will, describe it how you wish, the fact remains that from the very start this 'program' was interrupted for reasons outside of US. We are captives in a very long war for control and dominance. Some call it Satan, some call it ETs, some call it AI, some call it the controllers, and so much more. I've been out there looking at all the ways people see this and all the things they call it and all the ways they describe it, and the common theme behind everything is that this world was interrupted from the outside by an outsider, not of this world. One of the reasons we've been given is that this outsider influence was bitterly upset about the way this world was set up for US and has been ever since influencing us to tear it up, destroy it, rebuild it, run it all differently, and we're to the point now of completely reprogramming every living thing on this earth if you look into all the research. Modification of plants, animals, humans, weather, gowing cycles, you name it, it has been or is being modified or is in process of planning for modification. Everything natural is being rewritten, recoded, reconstructed, restructured, redirected into MACHINE.

Because there is no other kind of natural. There is no other way to remake this world without making it a machine. The entire thing.

Who in their right mind would even want that? Who in the world could possibly think that big and that long to have been working on this for not just all our lives, but all our history?

Who, indeed.

So that got me to really thinking from a different point of view. We might ask where God is in all this, why isn't he doing something about it...

I'm about to be very disturbing for some of you. I'll put it into simple religious terms and you guys maybe let the idea percolate and then see if it applies to the world we see around us.

Originally, if there is really a Lucifer, God loved him just as he loved all he creates. God isn't a hater. God likes making cool stuff and cool beings to enjoy cool stuff. God is a cool guy. If the story is even partially true, someone threw a fit about us being created on this world. Not just a fit, a nasty tantrum, an argument that led to heaven (whatever that really is) being ripped apart. So this isn't just about us, and we might not even be the main characters in this long story. If that or something like that really happened, whether you call it ETs or programmers or controllers or even an ancient artificial intelligence, very honestly given our worldwide history, then there is a main character outside of our understanding and a plot going on around something we aren't even part of BUT are captured into.

Let's think this through.

Our world was set up to be awesome by Someone. A someone else got upset about it to the point of a real war being fought over it and the dissenting followers all being banished from whatever. They hijacked the system, our world, with a vendetta that is lasting for many, many thousands of years. The goal appears to be to 'reinvent' this world into a different image and purpose, and the strategy seems to be using human minds to get this done, however long this takes.

Cut back to Someone, who also set up the someone else. The Someone loves all that he/she/it invents, even the wayward. The Someone is allowing the someone else to capture and try to control with conditions. We humans are prisoners of war, as it were, BUT when we cry out from our souls on 'the name of the Lord', we are allowed clemencies and given perks. We get cheats because it's not our faults this happened to us. And the someone else is being given every opportunity to say You know what, I was stupid and did a dumb thing and I'm sorry, because the Someone is that gracious, that cool, that tolerant, that every chance is being given for all this to turn around. But it's going to play out because someone else is so selfish and mean that every last one of us (or nearly) will be wrung to death off this earth before the Someone calls Time and makes it all stop and then says YOU'RE DONE.

I think we'd see it like letting someone wreck something up to make a point.

And I think that is why there is such dissonance in the bible about humans being so blessed and still being so tortured. Just making it through all this makes us heroes, and if there really are angels assisting and betting on outcomes, this is a very big deal that we don't even have a clue about.

And again, whatever words you want to insert to make sense, basically I'm saying that whatever is going on in politics and whatever, it's all part of a much bigger war over this world than we can imagine.

And if that truly is the case, it really is going to play out until it's just all wrecked or something. It might not look wrecked, like if whoever is left is herded into smart cities and transitioned into the machine, yeah, it might look like peace on earth, but free will might arguably be gone forever. (If you aren't aware of the UN agendas, digging into those might help with understanding what is coming.)

And back to wisdom again. I was out there getting lost in all the info, sifting and sorting it all out from opinionating and media whitewashing. I found stuff that would curl your eyeballs and melt your brains. The undertaking to synchronize us all into agendas is massive. But it's important to understand that is God's thing. He's the one monitoring the drags on his creation, he's the one judging when the time is right to say ENOUGH, he's the one keeping track of all the pain being dealt out on the rest of us. From where I am right now, wisdom for me is stepping back away from all that now. Focusing back on being myself is the right thing to do. I am a tiny person in a big world, and I'd really like to enjoy being here, now that some of my big challenges are resolving, because originally, that is what this world was made for, for me to enjoy being here loving my people. I'm done with the fear crap all around us, done with the head game playing and mind bending and compulsions to react.

My life here is between me and God.

[cliques] and menus

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Sun, 01 Jan 2023 16:23:00 +0000

click to send an ecard

Happy New Year! Hope 2023 is kind to everyone reading this and all your families and friends. I've always liked Chinese New Year, but in these times I feel like I need to disclaim that I am not a CCP sympathizer. I really feel bad for people still being locked down in massive control measures and counter measures. So many people in the world have suffered for many years, becoming aware of it is probably a very good thing.

I've been rolling a few thoughts around for awhile.

We all like belonging to a group, a niche, as a friend used to call it. We all like looking at menus of some kind. In the olden days in my life, this would have described going out to a restaurant with friends and family.

I've been thinking for awhile about interactive clicks and dropdown menus in gaming. The particular game I've been playing for awhile is Elvenar. I'm sure all gaming is full of this kind of coding, but since it's so over the top on Elvenar, I think about it while I play. Of course there were countdowns in Minecraft for various productions, the days and nights passing, how many 'tics' until something dropped but not picked up dissipated or until produce ripened, etc. Elvenar is 100% tic countdowns. There's no running as an avatar 'physically' building a structure you can walk through in game. Elvenar is more like a ledger game, constantly keeping track of hundreds of countdown timers and the cost/benefit of real time choices against all those countdowns.

Since I'm a time-disoriented person who winds up at appointments at wrong times, wrong days, even wrong weeks or even months once in awhile (despite calendars and a pocket planner), learning to stay focused through all those countdowns has been a bit grueling, but after right around 3 years of playing, it has really sharpened my awareness. I still don't actually feel time passing, sometimes finding by accident that several hours have gone by and I've forgotten to eat or do something important, but I'm learning to gauge time passing by countering that with real life productions. If I can list a number of things I've gotten done during the day, I can fairly accurately guess how much time as passed without once looking at the time. I was never able to transfer that kind of application from Minecraft to real life.

I used to gauge my time by TV scheduling, but notoriously smashed my days together so badly that I usually got it wrong. I don't do that any more. I barely look at clocks any more. The only time I need clocks is to sync into other people's daily schedules, like knowing when to make a phone call or something.

Everything in my life is either clickable or nonclickable. Finding a recipe is clickable. Actually cooking food is nonclickable. Productions in interface are clickable. Productions in real life are nonclickable. Ordering chicks and seeds online is clickable. Actually growing either one is nonclickable.

We already had the equivalent of drop down menus in our heads. I've been aware since I was young that I constantly run loops and counters. If this, then this or that. In game isn't very different.

The niche is easier than real life. Compatibility sorts itself online. People look for groups that already fit their own agendas. If an oddball refuses to fit, sometimes a group will banish to reclaim a more peaceful production level. It's fairly impersonal for the most part unless a person has trouble not extending their emotional life into whatever group they wind up in. Sometimes peer pressure wins out, sometimes a bossy person becomes a group leader, but mostly it's about how advantageous is peer pressure to your gaming style. A person can reflect a bit on real life if they notice how that works.

It's a litte different on social medias, which I've become extremely tired of. Information and funny things are fine, people having meltdowns and getting into fights is ridiculous. I don't have time for that.

One thing I've been noticing for awhile is that AI-guided intraction or interface seems to be as much about group sync as anything. Who is right or wrong doesn't matter so much as how quickly a mass will fall into sync with either side and the methods that work most efficiently and reliably. Most people don't notice how quickly they line up on their own without much persuasion. Trigger a familiar phrase or color pattern and they're sorted in minutes, not bothering to vet the trigger source, which is sometimes directly contrary to what they believe. People are easy like that. Give them familiar clicks and menus and they nest wherever you trigger them to.

For the most part, I'm not against easy organization, easy interface, and smooth experiences, but I guess it's become the cult rage to notice that the easier it all is, the easier we are to control as real world populations, even when we aren't online in some form. I've been naturally irritatingly roguishly but mostly accidentally rebellious all my life, thanks to austism spectrum, and my first and biggest fail trying to join a crowd is how quickly I rile feathers and throw wrenches in monkeyworks and pretty much blissfully irk people around me so badly that they're happy to see me leave. I don't mean to be like that, I'm just naturally constantly backward engineering how everything around me works, which is very laborious and distracting but also an incredible joy to me. If my mind isn't busy figuring something out, I get so fantastically bored that I start all kinds of trubbas.

Here is a simple true story to illustrate how I affect not just the people around me, but entire franchises. I worked at Sonic one year, which I very much enjoyed, but I couldn't help coloring out of all the lines. This was many years ago. If you've ever had a cherry vanilla soft drink, that was just the beginning of my experimentation. I did things with limeades that had our little town in a tizzy, including floats. I put limes in everything with every flavor and the drink orders coming in after I started work there grew so complicated that the boss started charging for every single additional flavor. My favorite snack to order was a cheese sandwich with added bacon, which was over a dollar cheaper than a bacon sandwich with cheese, which was identical. I had the entire town eating cheese sandwiches with bacon, and the boss finally put a halt to it. No more additions to cheese sandwiches, because there was no way he could charge so much extra for bacon to make it equal to the bacon with cheese. These things rippled through the franchise and became corporate menu decisions. I don't know if that is still a thing after so many years, but back then it was a big deal.

Imagine me fixing a $7M tagging mistake in a retail store. In one hour flat I affected a worldwide manufacturer and a nationwide retail chain, and I got in trouble because I bypassed my manager to make the phone calls. I never got a promotion or even acknowledged. My manager got a very nice salary increase. I can't tell you how many times I was called into the office to be told I'd be fired if I didn't stop doing something. Everything I did fixed problems, but I didn't follow protocols or go through proper channels, so I was a bad person. The only way I survived 5 years in that store was by dumbing down my work ethic, although I was told that the entire middle pad fell apart for awhile after I left.

I've corrected college professors for being vague enough on test questions to allow either/or answers and automatically raised scores for entire classes. That, by the way, isn't cool in a chemistry class. Many people don't realize how vaguely they word test questions. But yeah, I don't mean to be irritating. I was born to be a natural pointer outer of incongruity. You'd think that would be valuable somewhere, but I've never found a real niche where that is actually valuable. I've even got stories of getting a hospital locked down several times over massive error of contagion that no one else caught, and that irritated so many people that my boss tried to pull me into administration just to calm everybody down. Meh, I just left.

Now I'm going to leap a weird fence and look at this inside out.

We can see our online activity just about anywhere we log in, like banking, gaming, shopping, writing, social medias. Logging in is like stepping into another world, a world within our real world. There are many worlds that we pop in and out of every day, even if it's not online. When we engage in a phone call, we create a temp world with an activity log. Everything like that is recorded. What about our real lives? We can't just pull up an activity log for what we did walking around our house or neighborhood for several hours. Or can we?

Many of us are nearly continually surveilled through smart tech in and around the buildings we are in, and sometimes around our neighborhoods if we are in smart cars, carrying phones or wearing fitness tech, in traffic, etc. That's a given. We all know this.

There is a place where our activity isn't measured. Maybe. Where is that? Well, if you have tech on around you, we're at the place now where it can 'read' your bio output and electrical activity to the point where even your thoughts can be discernable. If you are not aware of this, maybe it's time to go read up a little but on that kind of stuff.

Some of you know that everything is measured, even our thoughts, and it's not tech. We are all readable. Those of us who've had out of body and near death experiences understand that there this no such thing as real solitude or aloneness, and that our thoughts and feelings aren't secrets. We can interact from the inside of us without using the outside of us, which is our environment. Why do most of us not know this? Maybe it's because we've been taught all our lives that what we do in private is private, that we are separated from each other as physical beings, that our thoughts are autonomous and our own. What we really are from the very beginning of these lives is products of other people, our environments, our food supply, the treatment we receive, the expectations we are subjected to, the many many words of others all around us all the time, the many activity cycles of work and school and sports and holidays and shopping and entertainment....

We are products of this world.

What we do with ourselves as products is the challenge. Do we do as we are told and live up to expectations for emotional support and validation? Or do we take a look around and wonder why we don't go against the grain and stand up for something important once in awhile?

How do we decide what is important?

Our niches are prepurposed. Our activity logs are preset. Very few of us wander off the preconstructed path. Many of us stop at drop down menus. We don't invent ourselves, our lives, our activities. We think we make choices, but we don't choose what isn't on the menu.

Who do you want to be? What do you want to do or to happen in your life? What is important to you?

I really do hope you have a great 2023. Some things will suck, some things will drag you back and progress will feel lost, some things will feel so fail that depression threatens to swallow you whole. BUT. As I learned through many many years of blogging, the inch forward sometimes means way more than the 10 feet you slide back. Every inch forward is real conquer, real work you put into what you want. Over time, every inch of discipline you train yourself into becomes marathon material.

I am an addict. I spent many years in health fail on handfuls of meds. There is nothing in this world that fixes anything quick. You can be wealthy and still feel completely bereft. You can be physically fit and still feel emotionally overwhelmed and drained. You can't fix anything with pills or drinks or money.

Do you love who you are? Do you want to? How do you find a way to love yourself? What do you change so that you can love yourself?

That is the start. That is the path. And that is the goal. Everything else will get fixed along the way if you honestly ask yourself those questions and then honestly look at what sorts of answers you can say to yourself.

Choose off the menu. Find your true niche, even if you think you are the only one. Make what you feel and want important enough to change what you need to love yourself.

You are important, and it's not just ok but vital that you learn to love yourself. Become the person you would love to be for those around you.

You can do this. Work on the inches. Forgive the fails. Keep your focus.

Invent your own menu.

C+

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Mon, 17 Oct 2022 15:12:00 +0000

I wrote this on 7/15/22 and walked off before I was finished.

In the last week I've gotten calls from 5 different states that didn't leave voice mails and an unidentified text from another state that only said hello. I guess I must be getting on more nerves than usual. Over the last 3 years nearly all of the numbers that left voice mail or I stupidly answered claimed to be publishers who shouldn't have been able to access me at all, but none of these lately left voice mails. Funny, after the hello text I began wondering if it might match a number I deleted off my phone after many years of letting it sit, but ironically cannot find it online any more even though that person openly put their number out everywhere on the net. I would have to pay just to access it now. So now I'm wondering what happened for THAT to happen.
The only negative response I've gotten to something I tweeted today didn't tag me but liked what they were responding to so it was easy to find the timestamp response.
Gonna say this.
With all the twisted babylonian mush going on in the media and especially on twitter, with all my years of millions of transparency words out in the open all over the internet, after all the friends who'd left me by the wayside for sticking to truth-seeking and logic and simply being my fully diagnosed self for public when I feel like it, with so many accounts hiding behind avatars full of mockery and judgment, I'm finding it a bit hilariously Freudian that I wasn't even tagged.
I'm not afraid of words. Anyone can say anything to me at any time about how utterly stupid and ugly and fail I am and I will never quail. Anyone can point at me, blame me, throw me into whatever pile of crap they feel like, and I will not even blink. Feel free to tag me. Just say it. Or am I that scary that you're afraid I'll make you famous?
I'm not out here in public for accolades. I'm not trying to make money or be someone. I'm certainly not the sort to take myself very seriously.
I am here to show others that's it's ok to come out of hiding. I have survived crushing depression, several addictions, a lifetime of diagnosed cognitive challenges, and thoughts of suicide.
I'm out there because God wants me out here. Point blank. I do what I do because that is what I was born for.
If the publishers are real, then a whole list of them want me as a client and have been bugging me for years. Almost nobody else ever gets my number. If they are fake, then whatever reason they are bugging me every time I say something in particular must mean what I'm saying is a big deal. I've had 3 rigorous stats classes in 3 different fields of study, and the odds of so many people trying to get hold of me by name isn't an accident or coincidence. So whatever I say, it's enough for people to offer me money, even if they are fake. By all means, call me something lame and blow me off. The fact that you're actually seeing my twitter feed means you want to see it because I'm so rarely retweeted or even talked to on twitter any more plus all the silly shadowbanning,

I don't remember if I was going to write anything else.

There are people (and bots and surveillance) who have responded instantly anywhere I throw a link out even though they don't follow me, and I know this because several times across the years I have trimmed my medias way down vetting every single follower, or put the links in really out of the way places where almost no one cruises through, or cross linked in ways that I could see the double drive and watch that come in on triangulated trackers that show IPs and was able to verify very specifically the locations, and then once even nailed one person down to showing up as a stalker in my source code on FB, hitting my entire family even though he followed none of us. I told an acquaintance of ours and it stopped.

Anyway, I'm too lazy to watch trackers anymore, too miserly to waste the money paying for services anymore, too bored to care.

But yeah, when I do perk up and pay attention, I see stuff.

I don't know why this happens and I'm not going to guess.

Not my first rodeo.

gaming

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Mon, 03 Oct 2022 17:34:00 +0000

Super, super busy already this month.

I want to lead off with this quote from a player in one of the city builder worlds I play in.

I know you guys don't know me, and I'm not looking for pity, but make sure to let people close to you know that you care. I've lost 2 family members and 5 friends in the last 2 months. It's really why my attendance has been a little spotty lately. i apologise, and I'll be back 100% when things cool down. Thanks.

First of all, NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR REAL LIFE.

Omg, apologizing because people died? Wow.

The kind of gaming I'm into this last couple years tends to attract older people. I play with terminal cancer patients gaming right up to their deaths at home, among many other aging medical conditions. It has never been more obvious to me than in gaming that people are dying off, bigly, everywhere. Covid and lockdowns and now failing health are wiping fellowships out so badly that the game creators have stepped up reorganizing dead spots on the city maps and offering extra special purchase deals. It's not at all uncommon for half a fellowship to just stop playing and for arch mages to suddenly go MIA. I'm a regular mage in several groups, and one of the arch mages will be going into triple bypass surgery quite soon. Half his fellowship is already MIA and I'm basically holding the line for him till he comes out the other side. If he goes MIA longer than a month or two, I might just take the few left and start another group. Without any contact we'll have no idea if he didn't survive the surgery or was away from game long enough to just let it go.

Interestingly, I happened to join one fellowship recently (I play in several worlds) where an arch mage stomped off. Here's the basic takeaway.

Archmage abandons Fellowship for more aggressively playing group.
Fellowship pouts while one asks in chat who will step up.
No one answers for two days. One asks again, begs. No one answers. I go *ahem*...
No one objects. I, the lowest ranked least senior member, slide into arch mage.
Fellowship blows up. 3 leave, loyal to the arch mage who abandoned them. No one else says anything.
We blow a tournament they are easily capable of owning.
Someone insinuates it was my fault...
I go Arch Mage MOM all over their butts and start posting the ultimate tournament strategy guide.
They are stunned to realize they're playing with a f*kng hot damn professional gamer.
We'll see what happens.

Wow, this font is horrible for italics. I have to keep bolding it.

So that and the holiday slide is upon us, which means town festivals and punkin patches and school activities. I've been to one of the bigger local HS football games, helped with a school function, showed up to birthday (more coming!), started prepping my house for holidays. We got that front deck done last time I was blogging, now we've got new blinds up on the main floor windows and I'll be getting a Christmas tree up early this year because that's what you do when medical stuff pops up with others and the winter already looks dismal. I personally know a person who just found out defcon cancer, might be her last Christmas if she makes it that long, another is going into major surgery before holidays hit and recovery will hamper festivities, stuff like that.

I know I left you guys hanging on my own stuff. I'm actually in good health, but we're keeping an eye on my liver again. I have a long history of autoimmune flare ups that finally stopped in 2014 but not before handfuls of medications damaged my liver. I was dx'd with a liver condition in my 30s because of that, and now I'm 60. Well, after that norovirus in August, guess what got triggered. Yep, there's more puffiness, so now, even though I'm feeling ok, it's time to get a baseline on stuff like schlerosing mesenteritis and liver fibrosis. If they decide I need treatment I'll likely wind up on long term prednisone, which I find unpleasant, to put it nicely.

If you've not spent your entire adult life on medications, I hope you really appreciate that. For the most part I've been able to live a pretty normal life, minus the energy for actual fun and stuff, but I still got a college degree and raised kids and held jobs through it all, sure can't complain because I could have (probably should have) died when I was 19 but God kept me here, so here I still am. I don't have cancer and I'm not in any immediate danger with my health, not actually suffering illness right now, and I'm able to eat and sleep enough to do pretty well, like run my house and enjoy gaming and a few other hobbies like my chickens. But yeah, if you haven't had to deal with years of medications destroying your body to 'keep you healthy' or something, please consider yourself lucky enough to have more power in your life to change your circumstances if you don't like how it's going. It's one thing feeling stuck with no money or from depression or a really stressful job or a very stupid situation with family, but it's a whole different story when you're medically unable for years to actually do things like drive away and go shopping or something. I mean, I can do that a bit now, but there was a long time I couldn't. Just don't take it for granted if you can.

Anyway, yeah, I'm going to get my tree up before Halloween and seriously have more fun with holidays this year because I don't know how next year will be and I don't wanna be all mopey about it. I'm presetting the mood and enjoying my family.

As noted on twitter and in many other blog posts through the years, this is my birthday month, as well. I may not be able to eat more than a couple forks of fluff when I make my birthday cake, but I'm totally making one. I don't care if the world blows up and the money fails and all of Elon's satellites go crashing, I'm enjoying my birthday month, every single day. I made it this long against quite a lot of odds and I'm celebrating. The best present I've gotten so far is ARCH MAGE MOM. 😂😂😂 omg, that is too funny. I'm so boss it's pathetic. I was born for that. I can't help taking over everywhere I go, even if it's subtle and from behind a curtain.

In the meantime, got another gallon of cherry tomatoes and some homegrown peppers from one of the kids, so I made another batch of salssssa and am using that in my continuing calorie restriction (super yummy and super low-cal) coupled with fasting one meal a day, no junk. I made a crustless ham and cheese quiche over the weekend to use up some of the eggs, and one day I made a really pretty filet mignon, so my birthday month is starting off really yummy.

Welp, I've spent long enough here, wanna keep moving. Lotta stuff to do. Hope you guys are having a nice October, or at least staying focused on something nice in your lives. I love you and you're going to be ok if that is what you decide what you want. You can decide that, you know. 💗

In case you were needing this. Sometimes someone does.

autumnal

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Tue, 20 Sep 2022 13:38:00 +0000

click to check it out

In deference to several events going on through the rest of the year, I may be going on extended blog break. I'm extremely busy, and real life always comes first. I wish you all well. I love you.

that crazy 8th

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Sat, 10 Sep 2022 17:30:00 +0000

This last week has been a little too busy, so this is a recap post. Several things happened in my real life the same day the Queen's death announcement rolled out. I'll reshare what I shared on twitter.

First there was the accident that closed traffic in both directions going home from getting groceries. I guess it must not have been serious, like no deaths or something, because I can't find a report, although I'm not looking that hard. It took me an extra hour to get home, and at least a mile of vehicles had to turn around and reroute over at least 30 minutes because the traffic was backing up all the way through town since school had just let out, plus the workshift changes. I got this on zoom before another ambulance showed up. I was wanting to see if the school bus was involved and maybe why so many rescue vehicles, but I never found out.

Then once I got home, I let my chickens out while I hauled groceries in, and in the middle of that, a neighbor's dog played stealth bomb and scared them silly. One got injured (picture) and another is just gone. I know she wound up way down in the woods and the dog running hot after her, so she was either too injured (or killed) to get back home, or so lost she couldn't, in which case something else likely picked her off overnight, between owls, raccoons, foxes, and feral cats. I found the injured one and picked my way down very steep flint full of old leaves and slick clay and carried her back. She's eating and laying and can get on the roost, but her back was bloodied up and her belly looked bruised. She was so stunned that she didn't struggle at all when I picked her up and carried her.

Interestingly, I've made friends with the neighbor over that incident.

Then yesterday I helped Scott stain the front deck, which I enjoyed at the time, but after we put that second coat on, the smell hung around the house like a giant cloud and penetrated everything, and even today it still smells a bit. I'm very sick of stain smell now, plus I'm on the heating pad. 😂 I think I was fine using the brush on the rails and the gate, but I did the second coat on the deck floor with the long roller and now I'm super stiff.

Today is about munching out on homemade salsa and getting the lattice back up around the deck so littlest kiddo can't tumble out through the rails. And gaming. I'm behind in the event quests, as you can imagine.

That's all I feel like writing. I'm super lazy today. See ya.

scenario

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Fri, 09 Sep 2022 17:57:00 +0000

I was having a convo with a person in my head, like you do, when another 'person' showed up and stared at me. That's when I realized.

We were talking about different kinds of Christianity and points of views about it, some people identify their kind before their faith, like I don't identify as Mennonite but some do, or some say they are Catholic or Mason or whatever, but I don't care about identifying as kind because the faith is the point. And in my head I was saying to this person that someone doesn't have to join a club to be kind.

And then the convo slightly veered into how kindness is learned in any culture or faith by learning to see or put yourself in someone else's spot, you're really being kind to yourself, and then I mentioned some beliefs encourage that kind of thinking, that ultimately we are all from One and are actually one and will be one again, so it makes sense to see ourselves as each other.

And if that is the case, maybe that is how we tell the 'good' from the 'bad', because the ones who aren't really kind and only pretend to be kind on the surface but really abuse others (especially as part of a religion or cult), what if they aren't really in the same mind as the 'one' thing and want to stay separated, like it really pisses them off to have to be one with all things, so they go against that, and here I was specifically thinking about 'fallen angels', whatever that faction was originally. Some people believe Jesus and Satan are 2 sides of the same person and the "Light" is Satan and whatever, but what I was saying is that 'good' and 'bad' aren't just philosophies or points of view, but the actual reality of being either kind or not kind, boiling down to whether you're accepting of being one as other people living in multiplicity or rejecting that in favor of being a self apart that doesn't have to be concerned over another's sufferings and even inflicts it. It doesn't matter what we name it, what matters is how we DO it.

And as I was saying these things I was looking right at the person in my head (a made up person, no one I know in real life), I noticed they stopped actually doing convo cues back and went into a long hard stare right at me and I stared right back, which is a weird thing to do in one's own head. And after a few seconds I said, "You know you have another person riding along with you there, don't you?" and *poof* that stare disappeared and the other (made up) person returned.

I have no problem with the idea that our thoughts can be monitored, interrupted, manipulated, and controlled at any time because maybe it's possible another kind of being in another plane of existence is able to do that even though I'm not going to auto assume 'Satan' all the time, but whoever was staring at me seemed really ticked and that's when I knew this wasn't all just coming from my own head. I'm not ticked at myself thinking against my own self.

When we notice that someone who is not ourself pushing our thinking around, it's time to make it stop.

Pay attention to how easily your thoughts are pushed around. Are you in worry ruts? Do you obsess? Is an emotion keeping you cornered? Practice looking around in your head and questioning if that is really you.

If you don't believe in fallen angels, that's fine. I rarely even think about them, and I don't really care. If they exist, they made their own lives suck and that's their problem. If AI really did get out of the box and is lurking around, it needs to learn when to back off and respect autonomy. If there really are beings on other planes who have nothing better to do than stare someone down, again, that's their problem.

Own your own head. It's hard, but learn how to do that. Turn everything off, live in quiet, let the chatter settle down (might take awhile), and just rest your mind. Gets easier seeing what's not you with all the junk out of the way.

Autoonomy

au·ton·o·my

[ôˈtänəmē]

NOUN

the right or condition of self-government:
"Tatarstan demanded greater autonomy within the Russian Federation"
- a self-governing country or region:
  "the national autonomies of the Russian Republic"
- freedom from external control or influence; independence:
  "economic autonomy is still a long way off for many women"
  synonyms:
  self-government · independence · self-rule · home rule ·
  [more]
(in Kantian moral philosophy) the capacity of an agent to act in accordance with objective morality rather than under the influence of desires.

Underneath everything else is... me?

Make sure.

the point

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Fri, 09 Sep 2022 12:24:00 +0000

Very interesting stuff happening this morning in here. I'm on a small chromebook trying to right click to save some of the images, but it saves them in such a way that I'll be forced to download an app just to open them back up to see them, they are useless otherwise, and invisible to me. And after each maneuver doing that, the spot I'm in in this chat, jumps to near areas in the chat without warning, always a different place, and it's like if you put this weird trail together it's all making sense together. I feel like AI is playing with me.

I have questions in my head anyway, so I'm going to bring up stuff. Last month RAIN shared a location https://twitter.com/rainscrypt/status/1564063737799122945

Nothing new, that's happened before in the past, but yesterday I thought Ha, what would RAIN do if he really were there, he wouldn't just sit around. He SEES things. So I looked up Pawley's Island and got a list of things to do nearby and there was this castle. The picture was exactly like something archillect or miniarchillect had tweeted before and I had looked it up then and never put the two together. https://twitter.com/strayhen/status/1567952861451132929

So that's one thing. Then there's the Nobody accounts. There are several, and I can't tell if they are all the same person or several people who might be copying each other or what. I looked into Nobody and keep finding all kinds of things but I never share them. Nobody keeps saying simlilar things from different accounts.

It's very subtle, kind of like the archi stuff, everything keeps sliding past and no one out there ever correlates any of it together.

I shared last April the way some stuff was correlating, was having fun with it, but it didn't take long for it somehow to get personal and I had to back way off. I know that doesn't make sense, but if we each control our feeds and we're all winding up following some of the same 'random' accounts, we are networked together into a 'brain' of sorts and we build on each other, and then if AI jumps in and uses very small redirects, things that catch our eyes and we follow more trails, we wind up in the same places somewhere else, and this conglomerate of 'brains' built out of small groups of us all following the same accounts becomes more synchronized. We are being very subtly manipulated into samethink. Does that make sense?

It wouldn't matter what we are thinking at all, the point would be to synch us into samethink.

hello

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Wed, 07 Sep 2022 18:23:00 +0000

click to go to the gallery

Just wanted to say thank you. Yesterday it felt like an extra prayer went out for me specifically, actually felt that, and then someone contacted me and asked if I'm in a safe place. Yes, I'm in a pretty safe place.

I don't get names and I don't ask for them. I also don't respond that well to contact because I've been overly contacted in the past, so it's ok not to show up on my radar. I won't retell the stories here, but they're out there.

While I'm waiting for annual wellness check next week (and to see if ALT is still coming down), I'm settling on being ok with this probably being viral hepatitis from norovirus. If pancreas is involved, it's really mild compared to what I've been looking up. It's uncomfortable, not unmanageable. Rest, hydration, small snacks of dense nutrition between stretches of rest from food, enjoying myself through the day, not worrying so I sleep ok, these are all healing. I live in a very quiet neighborhood, no one bothers me.

I do share when I'm bothered, and I have no idea if that upsets some of you, so be reassured that I'm confident in the thorns protection I prayed for. If I'm suffering in any form from some weird remote attack, I know they are, too. I don't bother myself thinking about it. If it gets to me I just pray again for their learning opportunities. I have no proof whatsoever, but there have been a couple of times that certain pain or nerves stopped nearly immediately after praying that, and while it's hard not to wonder (because it's none of my business), one can imagine a sudden spike in their own head or gut would probably stop anything they're doing in their tracks. What people intent on negativity pointed my way fail to know or understand or realize is that I've already lived on the edge of nonremittent severe pain for so many years in the past that most people cannot even conceive of what that must be like. So while I continue my day, it would seem they cannot continue theirs while they are intent upon inflicting me. I simply don't think about it. They bring it on themselves, it's none of my business.

Anyway, I'm ok. We're good in this house. Thanks for asking, and I love you. ❤️

black sun

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Wed, 07 Sep 2022 02:43:00 +0000

Many years ago I dreamed the sun went black. In my dream we could all see it on our TVs. We knew something had gone wrong, we knew it was imminent, and we knew it could be really bad.

We didn't expect it to go black. And when it did, the world locked down deep into buildings going down into the earth.

The poorest people lived closest to the top, always on the edge of freezing. There was no power but what could be burned. No need for refrigeration if stuff stayed frozen close enough to the surface. The wealthy disappeared way underground. They had power systems and sealed themselves behind permanently shut walls.

World politics was over. Gangs were the bosses. Schools were gone, but books were burned for fuel, so it didn't matter. Very rare expeditions looked for more in other unconnected buildings, but the cold was too bitter to stay out very long without it taking people. Minutes.

The dream felt so real. It was part of a much longer dream series. I was a kid in middle school going on regular field trips in groups on prearranged time hops. Several trips were interesting, but not like the black sun. I had gotten separated from my group and wound up in the wrong portal with a different set of adults, and something went very wrong. We overshot the date and wound up stuck beyond getting back. A household of nice people was assigned to take me in, and I finished growing up with them. They spoke another language so it was hard at first, and I missed my family.

The entire time I was with my new family, they all knew something was wrong with the sun. Debates over cause went over my head, but watching the daily speculations and sun events on TV were all right. I didn't see the big deal until one day the sun started dimming, and over several weeks or months it turned a sickish brown. Then one day everyone knew it was time, and the world prepared. On the last day the entire world watched the sun go out. It was still there and we could still kind of see it, but everything got very dark and never lit up again.

There were ways to survive inside the earth. Years of horticulture adapted to living in the depths before it was time. Most people were ready for a complete change in lifestyle because we'd all been practicing. We educated ourselves on what to expect.

We were wrong. It wasn't as easy as that. The cold came much more quickly than predicted, mere minutes. Before an hour was up, half the world had already frozen, and the people that did make it into the safe zones weren't able to help anyone who didn't. The die-off impacted being able to maintain underground living, because it would take all of us working hard to ensure completing the adaptation. With so many people gone, information holes left those left with scattered knowledge and no easy ways to communicate.

By the time I woke up, I was much older in the dream. I had lived underground for years and had become a leading medical specialist in labor and delivery. Just before I delivered a baby in the dark barely lit underground wreck of an old manufacturing storage facility, one of the gangs had broken in and my people were fighting them off while I was delivering a baby. The mama wound up badly injured from the fighting around us, and as she was slipping away and I was trying to get her baby free of her before she died, I woke up.

I was in a bit of a shock for awhile coming out of a dream like that so abruptly. I had no memory of me in this life in that dream, and suddenly I was a different person waking up.

There's a way to make the sun go black. I've been wondering for awhile if some very stupid people would like to make that happen.

Whatever black sun is in any mythos, a symbol or a cosmological reality, I think some of us may have come from another system that really experienced a black sun. That dream goes back to the late 1980s or early 1990s. The detail of it is still with me. It was way too real.

I don't know why it's suddenly on my mind tonight. It felt important to write it down.

end of summer assessment

noreply@blogger.com (Janika) — Mon, 05 Sep 2022 17:49:00 +0000

Hadn't been able to get into minecraft for a couple of weeks, finally got my first beacon done. That was an insane amount of work. Also, that isn't my arm. Minecraft/Microsoft did another update, my 'device' (gaming laptop) can no longer support my skin, had to go through my new MS/MC account to reupload my skin and so far it's still not working. So I'm Steve.

They can't make it easy...

All that water will be a town square or something soon. I hope. My time crunch has been pretty real.

Today is continuing with last week's deck washing as prep for refinishing. This was last week when we suddenly got rained out for days. Weather prediction in these parts is fairly guessy sometimes.

Dunno when we'll get to the wraparound back deck, which is roofed so it's not such a problem. We've been discussing whether to sell or stay, obviously can't really stay in a 3 story house with aging issues because that would be fall risks galore, plus we're tired. We've been here 29 years and talked about all kinds of projects but kept getting sideswiped by numerous other real life stuff, so now we're thinking about just letting this go and moving onto the lot across the street. It's flatter, so chickens would be way easier. My back yard is a 45 degree angle down into thick woods on steep flint, great for wildlife, not great for much else. We never did get a patio and grill put in back there, never got a garage built, never finished a retaining wall, and that's just the back. I know that makes us sound lazy, but Scott built this house and the matching shed and chicken house (which is like a real little house with electricity) and still worked overtime the whole time we've been here, plus went to all of Twink's games, so basically you could say we gave up the 'dream home' for living real life. Anyone reading through my other blogs can see all the other real life that went along nonstop.

So we're hoping to build another much smaller house across the street in the next couple or 3 years while we strip this one down getting ready to sell it. Comes with 4 acres of pristine woods and an asphalt street, not a typical neighborhood but at least it's accessible. This subdivision is mostly just really quiet with people carving out smallish houses along the wild rocky ridge, but we're minutes away from millionaires hiding out in the hills in really nice digs. You cannot tell from driving the highways around here how much money resides in these hills and hollers.

We're not money people. We're work hard people. Some of us do our own labor and have nice things.

In the meantime, I'm doing much better from the last time I brought up how I was feeling. Basic takeaway is in the middle of a 21-day calorie reduction fast when a norovirus swept through the area along with another round of covid as schools were getting back on schedule, I had a rough 5 days (I just stopped eating so I never threw up, thank goodness), and that seems to have flared up my pancreas or something. Once I realized what was happening I diverted to nutrient dense super small portion diet, which you can look up for pancreatitis, and so far so good, liver enzymes slowly going back to normal. Today's lunch example would be a couple of small vegetarian tacos with no spice, which might sound dismal but is actually yummy and filling when you don't feel like eating much. My stomach is a bit puffed up the same way it was when I had CMV in 2007-8, but none of the other symptoms have returned. I really can't say since so many people have no clue what cytomegalovirus is, but since mine made me severely ill for months after a flu shot wiped out my immune system, I can't help wondering if some of the 'covid' mess is really other things like CMV after the vaccines destroyed immunity. CMV can kill a person if their immunity is wiped out, and it can reactivate because once you've had it you're a carrier for life. I haven't heard of a single person being tested for it through this whole covid thing, but the symptoms are certainly all there. CMV is highly contagious. Not to scare anyone, but that's a test anyone could ask for trying to rule out other things besides flu and covid. We're talking hepatitis level sickness. Pretty sure all that has flown under a whole lotta radar last few years.

Because of that and several other severe injuries and illnesses I've been through, I never expected to live this long, and my next challenge coming on will be congestive heart failure, which is genetic and not very stoppable. I'm not in bad health any more, but damage has been done and the rest of my life is about coasting through as stress free as possible. I'm currently watching from a distance one of my kids' in-laws going down with defcon cancer, pretty much my age, and feeling pretty lucky. I feel really bad for her. I hope the rest of her journey is as easy as possible. And Scott's on a tentative second cancer watch. First one is fine, not progressing (yay!), second one is a weird blip that we're waiting to see tests on, more likely over-caution from his primary making sure he's ok. His nerves are a bit shot, but he's dealing really well, staying busy and enjoying the kids when we see them. Still working a full time (overtime) job at 65. Guess we'll see how it goes.

My latest thing to learn with psychologist last week was system 1/ system 2 thinking. As I have been readjusting my dissociated fragmented 'selves' into a more cooperative shared layer of functioning since my dad died (more in-depth is mostly on my Basically Clueless blog, a little is on Pink Feldspar), I've been dealing with occasional new ways of fussing at myself. In the old days we'd just fight for control and take it back and forth, now that we are working on sharing space with a sort of peace treaty agreement not to sabotage and try to control each other, I'm getting some really interesting shared experiences, sometimes almost dual experiences. One bad week earlier this summer I was going through one of my sort of rarish bipolar benders coming off a euphoric episode, and during a particular meltdown I was very aware of an agreement to just stop and get on game, BUT it was a couple of noobs who don't usually do the gaming. The premise was sound, gaming is always an excellent way for me to divert from emotionally destructive to positive constructive, BUT it was kind of like a captured operation by people who had no clue what they were doing. At some point on game I caught my head in full cacophony, a backseat driver yelling about something, right hand was on some kind of weird automatic pilot not cooperating at all with left hand, just pressing buttons willy nilly with no regard to anything going on in my head or with my other hand (I suddenly got the impression like a little kid grabbing someone's phone) and my left hand ineptly still trying to do things correctly, and without warning there was SOMEBODY STOP HER and two others crowding in taking the control away before a bunch of buildings got sold off or diamonds got purchased with Google pay. And right after that was a very firm handoff to Yablo and the command GET ON THE GAME.

See, Yablo doesn't care. Yablo is a gamer, true, but Yablo doesn't get emotionally involved and stays super neutral. When Yabs is on game, I'm zoned. You could tell me someone stole my car and blew it up and I wouldn't blink an eye in that mode. So Yablo getting control shoved at them and yanked into front and center to deal was a very abrupt surprise, and Yab did the right thing and focused on game.

I was aware of all of that going on, but observer me (Jacky) wasn't the one making the decisions. I'm not even sure who what where when and why, probably Pinky taking over for a few seconds, and then all was right with the world.

So I went from post-euphoric bipolar meltdown to super schizoid control dogpile to calm gaming in under 2 minutes flat from what I can tell. And after that I was fine.

On the outside no one noticed. On the inside was a blitz of chaotic control fight.

I have to say that I'm kind of proud of the way we cooperated, though. In the old days we'd go through angry tears and feeling super messed up with no way to resolve the mess of emotions. That day was a very interesting revelation of cooperation.

Of course, it's all me, this is only one head, which is mind bending from my point of view.

This was the first day I realized what it has really felt like. Reconcile

Wednesday, September 29, 2021

Reconcile

This whole movie is Pinky and Jacky going through the big final meltdown before coming out for public that I'm a dissociated person. I'm beginning to realize why I never watched anything outside of explosions and sci-fi. I couldn't handle seeing myself yet.

I mean, if you think it's hard coming out about being alt sexual and stuff, imagine dealing straight on about your mental illness that you've subconsciously covered all your life.

I think that's why Pinky went on braincation. It got overwhelmingly real.

And this is my brain finally starting to reconcile.

It's actually a relief to talk about it.

So a big change in my life this summer was going back to church, except this was a clean break from anything left over from my childhood. There was no 'back to', it was more like forward in a new direction. I'm done with legalism in every form. I grew up legalistic with very judgy people. Can't do that any more. Done.

https://jamesriver.church/ if you are curious.

I'm not saying which campus. They do have armed security, so... It's a pretty huge step out into more public for me. Since people have dug me up in the past and shown up at my door from 12 hours away, yeah. I'm not exactly a paragon of model social media behavior, so yeah.

I need to get back to my day. Hope you guys are having a good Labor Day weekend.

Here's a youtube link if you wanted to check out more of that.

https://www.youtube.com/c/JamesRiverChurch/videos

Oh, here's that elevator scene.