The year I turned 40

When I was growing up, I was surrounded by family and community elders filled with maxims and slogans. And one I heard frequently was a variation of this: "Youth is often wasted on the young." Usually delivered in a very "I told you so" tone while staring off into the distance, after you've shared a benign anecdote with them. Well, I've loved to prove people wrong about me since I've been sentient, so I vowed to myself at a young age that I would enjoy the absolute f**k out of my youth. And so I did. And despite youth's pitfalls and tragedies, I've made it to middle age on my own terms.

Heaven inside me...

The theme of my music video “Oh Rosie!” is “A woman’s gotta be who she’s gotta be…” All the ladies and femmes reading this - you know exactly what I’m talking about. And all you guys and dudes, I know there's ways you can relate, too. ESPECIALLY as we approach "a certain age”. Part of that pledge I made to myself a long time ago included this: that I wouldn’t be one of those people having an embarrassing mid-life crisis. Here's how I’ve been able to keep that promise to myself: by defining what “aging” looks like for me. No one gets to tell me, after all the years I’ve put in, what kind of woman I have to be now that I’m not considered young anymore. I DEFINE ME FOR MYSELF. And I will be who I have to in order to achieve my goals and dreams. Take those words and say them aloud to yourself.

This represents approximately 75% of my journals. I do NOT have a problem.

Now, full confession: I'm a chronic journal-er. And I don't know where I'd be today if I hadn't gone through probably 15 notebooks and journals the past 10 years to help me process my thoughts and feelings while navigating the major life changes that come with being middle-aged. So it was only natural when I and my "Oh Rosie!" creative partner Liz Tran decided to design this notebook to be your anchor as you decide who and how you’ve gotta be at this stage in your life.

Free yourself.

Use this journal to outline your vision of you, whether you're transitioning into your 30s, your 40s, your 50s, and beyond. You ain’t dead yet! Grab the Mid-Life Liberation journal and pour your heart out.

Picture it: it's 2024, and I'm consistently journaling and meditating on the changes I want to see in my life. I specifically prayed for a cleansing of all unnecessary attachments. I specifically prayed for clearance of obstacles in my path. I walked in those prayers before I even dared to pray for an abundance of resources and riches. So after all I've been through in this life of mine, all the patterns I've witnessed and chaos I've survived, why didn't I anticipate and brace myself for the kind of journey that comes with such prayers?

I get by with a little help from my friends...

I know I'm not the only person who feels personally attacked by 2025. Last year tried to murder me and I feel like I barely escaped with my life! But then, the morning of New Year's Eve, I sat down and zoomed out to put it in proper context. Prepare yourself for a level of vulnerability I don't think I've ever expressed here: a very abbreviated list of last year's highs and lows...

• the entertainment industry collapsed, dragging my income-generating behind-the-scenes profession with it
• I released the "Oh Rosie!" music video, a vision that was almost a decade in the making
• despite several resumes submitted on my behalf by three reputable niche recruiters who were very impressed with my experience, nothing came through for me 
• I mourned the passing of Faith Stern - a New York City based artist that I worked for in the summer of 2003 and maintained a loving long-distance friendship with ever since
• Liz Tran and I extended our collaboration into designing artistic merch, inspired by the music video, as a love letter to unconventional women like ourselves
• my finances bled, my credit got trashed, I fell behind on rent and bills, and so returned the stress of being so close to being homeless again, along with my heart pain
• I had the opportunity to pick up a short term contract supervising production of a really cool podcast, and I joined three dear friends of mine in co-founding a consulting firm that's doing revolutionary work
• a friend of mine - a bestie for 15 years who had been a true sister to me during life's highs and lows - outed herself online as being an admirer of the one who got exactly what he deserved on that college campus, and I had to cut her off
• "Oh Rosie!" was accepted into the DIFF Shorts Fest in Dallas, TX - allowing me to visit my hometown for the first time in over a decade
• Liz and I scored an interview on the Texas In Focus podcast, promoting "Oh Rosie!"

Liz and I, serving you and judging you in Dallas

And this is how 2025 started on a low but ended on a high. And now I'm realizing that I'm receiving what I prayed for: unnecessary attachments removed with a clear path ahead for me to walk confidently on. Because chaos is opportunity, and if the Devil can leverage it to his benefit, then so can you and I. He doesn't get to have all the fun, goddammit.

So now that I've spilled my guts out all over you, it's only fair that I hold space for your to spill yours out too. I welcome you to overshare in the comments below; let's talk about how we maintain our sanity in such times... personally, I gabbed with friends on the phone, I cried, I journaled, I walked for miles, and threw myself into my rehearsals and performances with The Jungo Swank.

What did you do to survive the chaos?

Does this sort of hyperbole regularly afflict you like it does me, every time I have to try to look nice in public? Imagine the catastrophic spiraling that threatened to overtake me when it was time to gather wardrobe for my music video. Even between fundraising (shoutout to some of the most generous and kind people to have ever existed!)  and sinking a lot of my own money (and debt) into this, the production was still on a shoestring budget. When it finally came time to start making moves on hair, makeup, and wardrobe, my brain felt FRIED.

Enter my good girlfriend Caitlin Monahan, a professional wardrobe stylist, working between New York and Los Angeles. 

Challenge: she was in New York during pre-production, and wouldn't be in town for any fittings, or for the three production days. 

Solution: good thing we live in the 21st century!

Over two Zoom sessions and several bullying texts that I absolutely deserved, she pulled together all the looks for this production with her resourcefulness, her encyclopedic knowledge of my own closet, and an understanding of the characters I was representing on screen. Ideal circumstances? Not at all, and I hope I never have to do this like this again. I've now paid my dues. But I cannot deny how much I love how we came together to meet this challenge, in a sustainable way. Because everything you will see me wearing in the video, I still have in my closet, rocking them at important events, on auditions, and more.

For this project, there was always the option of renting, or putting wardrobe on a credit card and then returning them later. Productions with budgets both micro and macro do this as a matter of practice. But considering the overall budget, I liked our way of handling character looks. It met several challenges:

• keeping wardrobe spend to a minimum by sourcing directly from my own closet, freeing up cash for the overall production budget

• keeping in mind my energetic bandwidth: without an assistant, returns were too much of a labor intensive process for me at the time

• any additional accessories and pieces I acquired had to be easily integrated into my current wardrobe, reflecting my current style, because I was sorely in need of some upgrades

It just goes to show that you don't need a million dollar budget to look like a million dollars. What you need is a healthy respect for craft, talented collaborators who respect their own craft to the utmost, vision, healthy communication, and a willingness to push your creative problem-solving skills.

I'm so grateful to everyone who worked on this project, especially my friend Cait. “Oh Rosie!” Will be live on VEVO/YouTube on March 8th! Subscribe to my YouTube channel to get the notification as soon as it's live.

This artistic idea - conceived in love and joy with some friends of mine at the Chateau Marmont - went on to be incubated and safeguarded in my mind through some really gnarly hard times. And now - in stability and renewed wellness and confidence - this baby is positioned for birth.

"Oh Rosie!" is a somatic message from my body-mind. It's the flame that warmed me and kept me fighting for my life through periods of homelessness and ill health. It's a tribute and message to womxn all over the world who know and understand exactly what the following statement means: "You gotta be who you gotta be to get where you need to go, but always hold space for who you really are."

The Artist

Hi! Just in case you’re new here, I’m an LA-based actress, model, and indie artist. This baby took three years from conception to a huge milestone: in 2018, as a collaboration between musician Kelvin McKay-Hill and myself, we created the music for "Oh Rosie!" while the vision for the video played in my imagination. Then in 2019, I released "Oh Rosie!" on all streaming platforms.

Now pause reading, hit play to get into the song, and then continue reading...

The Look

Our baby’s visual and technical inspiration comes from fashion films, runway extravaganzas, Doechii's music video for "Crazy", the classic Soul Train camera setup, Rosie Perez being EVERYTHING, and more.

The Family

All above-the-line crew helping me birth this baby are womxn, and so are 99% of the rest of the team. Together, we have over 30 years of professional experience in the entertainment industry, moving and shaking and making it happen. Additionally, this project features visual art by Seattle-based artist Liz Tran and choreography by NYC-based dancer Emily Hart Lopez, making this production a family of artistic excellence.

Liz Tran, on set March 3rd

Emily Hart Lopez, reviewing choreography on March 3rd 

Why Should You Join Our Family?

You are an arts enthusiast. Music isn't just background noise to you, and art is more than just wall decoration. You listen, appreciate, collect, and engage with intention and discernment. You're the kind of audience member that artists dream of - attuned and ready to rock and roll.

You believe in economic justice. Womxn in Hollywood, both in front of and behind the camera, are consistently underpaid, overworked, and disrespected. And on top of that, because of the strikes (which are justified; in this house we celebrate unions), work is hard to come by. This is a womxn-led production with racial and economic justice embedded into the entire process. Your support more than helps us keep roofs over our heads and food in our bellies; it's an investment in a just and free reality that we all deserve to live in.

You believe in radical joy. Womxn of all genders deserve to honor and celebrate their true selves. There are some truly evil forces at work right now, working day and night to roll back the clock on our basic rights and freedoms. F**k those pieces of s**t. In the face of rejection and oppression, when the powers-that-be seek to make us feel ashamed about how we show up in this world, joy and free expression is a radical act.

Fundraising Goals

Mid-March update: we have raised $2500. Help us raise an additional $8,000 by April 15th to cover our final production date!

If you've read all the way to the end of this page, YOU ARE THE REAL MVP and you are appreciated! Take the extra step of joining our family:

1. make a one-time (1 Year) or recurring donation...
2. then share this crowdfund link with five of your friends
3. if you'd rather send a donation directly, you can Cashapp $oddboddie or Venmo @krftdatelier

Our house is your house - open the door and step in!

I adore this vintage Sue Wong dress, passed down to me maybe 8 years ago from my mother. It's very Morticia, very "mysterious crone", very ME... or so I like to think.

I began transitioning my wardrobe into what I'm calling my Crone Era pre-pandemic, but starting last year, in anticipation of my 40th birthday, I began to find ways to embody it in my everyday personal style. There's nothing "everyday" about this garment, though.

So far, I've only worn this dress twice: once to Sunday bible class, and the other time was for this photo shoot. Again, I've had it in my possession about 8 years. As much as I talk shit about dressing extravagantly just to pick up a bag of chips from the grocery store, there's just so much effort involved in just *existing*, it's a miracle I make it into a simple leggings + tee combo most days. And meanwhile, this beautiful number languishes away in my closet, its fine and beautiful details unappreciated by the Public.

I envision myself wearing this while singing a ballad on stage, or emceeing a show at a biker bar, or even while attending intimate cocktail parties. How can I get invited to some? I need someone to help me with that - inquire within, please.

In the meantime, can we get some commotion for the makeup and styling by Caitlin Monihan? I never would have thought to pair this belt with this garment - I was thinking that more of a pale pink sash would do the trick. And the amount of time she put into just my FACE!

I'm a blessed woman. And I don't ever see myself listing this for sale in the shop.

But yeah, someone invite me to hostess something so I can put this on for it.

Photography by Aurelie Davis.

Mid-February through mid-April of 2017 were the darkest days of my life. It was the deepest depression I’d ever experienced, and it came on the heels of a period of burnout. Every day it seemed like my life was getting worse and worse, and every solution I thought was The Answer made my material conditions even worse. My chest felt like a bottomless pit, and I cried every day. I felt like I had nothing left to give… except for the creative visions that never left me. So one day I decided to use my creativity in an entrepreneurial way.

I had seen people selling their designs on platforms like BigCartel and Etsy, and for years I’d had all kinds of design and slogan ideas floating around in my brain. The thought that came to me was “Why not me?” I felt like I had to do SOMEthing; why not use these visions I’d been having to get me out of this deadly rut? So I signed up for Redbubble, designed a mug, and shared it on Facebook. And whaddya know, a couple friends liked it enough to make a purchase! Another friend mentioned that I might want to look into selling on Society6, so I looked into them, and for reasons that I don’t remember, I made the switch. 

After a couple of months, I’d gotten out of that black hole with the help of God, a therapist, and the determination to make it big with my designs, but Society6 couldn’t really accommodate the larger ideas I had. That fall, I did some research and came up on an article about how to set up a t-shirt business on Shopify, and why one might do so. After some weeks of contemplation, I went for it, signed up, went through the steps of connecting with Printful - a great print-on-demand company that enables creative-preneurs - and voila! 

One of my earliest designs was the WWGJD? crop top.

This top is now available to snatch from my closet, first come first served!

There are several highlights I’ve experienced since launching my online merch collections. Such as going semi-viral when Peaches re-posted me wearing my “ICONIQUE” unisex v-neck list tee on Instagram, and for a solid week I was slammed with orders.

I... was... SCREAMING

There was also the time I caused a minor kerfluffle with my “White Discomfort” mug. The girls that get it, get it, and the girls that don’t get really mad. And I don’t care. :-)

...stay salty

I love to create, and I love to share, and I’ve been spending the past two months working on a strategy to expand and grow my “For The Culture” and “For The Counterculture” collections. And then I had a career coaching session that completely changed everything: my coach for the day opened my eyes to the fact that, for my growth as a singer, model, actress, I was going to have to let go of my entire merch strategy that I'd spent so many hours building this year.

I sat with this for a few days before it dawned on me why this was the right thing to do: these very designs, that I share with all joy and goodwill, are nevertheless anchored to a dark part of my past that is no longer who I am. And if I’m going to get to where I’m going, they can’t come with me.

Y’all, I cried. But they were tears of joy and thanksgiving. Some sadness, yes. A little grieving. But mostly tears of relief. Because at this point in my life, having experienced so many periods of laying things to rest, I’ve got practice at this. I’m good at this.

I let go of these collections with gratefulness and love. 

Pucker up, babes.

Just the act of creating and sharing these items pulled me out of such a dark place, and reminded me of who I am and what I'm capable of. It reminded me that anything is possible, that I have good ideas that resonate with people, and that I am not a defective human nor an utter failure.

I'm grateful that I gave these collections all I could muster these past 6 years. My soul needed this. And now I'm sitting with the understanding that it's time to move into greater things and show up as an even more evolved version of myself, and it’s okay that this part of me ends its journey now.

If any of these garments, any of these designs, any of these ideas of mine have ever struck a chord with you, you are welcome and free to order some for yourself or for others this holiday season, but at 5:00 pm Pacific on December 30th, these collections will be closed out indefinitely.

There may come a point where I bring back the merch table in a different way. In the meantime, I lovingly let go of these collections to make space for my music and acting career, and whatever else good thing is next for me. Thank you for riding with me and riding with this. I do not take your support for granted, and I don’t have a single regret.

You can get tax deductions for donating to Goodwill and similar shops, but their policies? The way they treat their workers? I just can't anymore. I could take my clothes to Jet Rag, Buffalo Exchange, or Crossroads, but why go through all that effort when they'll probably only take two items out of ten and give me much less than what I could get if I just handled the sale myself? So yeah, the idea for this collection was on my mind for a long time, but for one reason or another, I just never sat down to do it. Well… 2020 entered the chat and…

I know we could all write 1000 page novels spanning four volumes about our lives over the course of 2020 so let me just get straight to the point: between being back to couch surfing during that August and September and not knowing what the entire Christ I was going to do next to fix my life, I just told myself "fuck it", made a few calls, set aside two days, and got my ass to work. The rent was due, and I didn't have it, and I knew that this little venture wasn't going to pay it, but for the sake of everything holy I just needed to finally DO THIS.

And thus, the "From Auntie's Closet" collection was born in October 2020. 

That one night at Rhonda...

I *do* believe in both individual and collective responsibility for the environment. Capitalism has largely robbed us of the opportunity to cultivate personal relationships with our local eco-systems, and I resent that. I don't want them to win. So I'm going to do what I can. The "From Auntie's Closet" collection is a part of my praxis. Because I really do believe in sustainable fashion, in patiently developing personal style inistead of chasing fashion trends, in keeping our clothes out of landfills and useless dumping grounds overseas, in mending and taking good care of what you already have.

Emphasizing the sensuousness of a woman's neck...

Style-wise, I've always been that goth girl, and I will always be her, but my expression in my daily style has evolved over the years, and that means there's some articles of clothing and accessories that I dearly love, but need to let go of. I've got a bit of a process. When the seasons are changing, I find myself going through my dresser and closet, piece by piece, asking myself: when's the last time I wore this? Do I even see myself wearing this within the next 6 months? How about in my long term future?

Worn on several first dates in my 30s...

I want you to know, I do have an end-goal in mind. As I slowly ease into my newer style expression, I want my wardrobe to be a capsule collection that lasts for years. Since I've launched this collection, I've added some things over the past couple of years that I realized I'm no longer wearing. I will continue to let go of some stuff here and there until there's nothing left to let go of. I want to see the day where all of you whose style intersects with mine have completely cleaned me out, and I can archive the collection.

Overconsumption has gotten way out of control, and I don't want to have anything to do with it if I can help it. This is for all of you who feel me on this.

For your hot girl summer 2025

Am I going to single-handedly stop fast-fashion in its tracks? No. That's not how this works. I'm just going to do what little I can, and I'm going to spread the word while I do it. I'm going to live according to my principles. This is difficult to do, yes, but life isn't easy. Life is difficult, life is struggle. So you really have to choose your struggle. I choose the struggle that comes with being as "green" as possible with my fashion and style choices. I do not seek perfection, just honest effort. And at the end of the day, I'm okay with that struggle, that difficulty. Because I chose it.

AND I WANT MY CLOSET SPACE BACK.

Now here's something I want you to do, you who's reading this. Drop a comment below and give me + the world some examples of how you embrace sustainable/slow fashion as a way of life. Do you do clothing swaps with your friends? Do you hand down clothing to younger generations of your family? Get stubborn stains dyed? Have a local cobbler you'd like to promote? Let's get the comments going with some suggestions and examples for the people out there who might feel powerless, or who just aren't aware and would like to do better.

It's wearing what I want, and taking responsibility for how I engage with my personal style.

It's drawing fierce boundaries around my me-time, and designating it for deep reflection, integrating the lessons learned in life, practicing naming my expertise, letting it bubble up within me.

It's giving deep thanks and gratitude to the body I'm in right now, even as I modify my diet and step up the exercise to achieve the body I want to inhabit

It's knowing I'm aggressively hot and unusually intelligent and using all that along with my perfect posture to get the things I want and need.

It's being unapologetically odd and excellent, while knowing that sometimes I might have to apologize for any harm I may have unintentionally caused.

It's giving thanks to God for their blessings, it's giving thanks to my friends for their kindnesses and care, it's embracing my official status as The Eccentric Child-Free Auntie.

There's an image I've been playing in my head the past few years, of an extravagant blow-out party where all my treasured friends and family come together and we RAGE IT for my 40th birthday. But by May of this year, it was becoming clear to me that I'd have to let that (and other things) go. Thank goodness for intuition - by letting go, I've been able to receive so much that I never could have imagined for myself at the top of this year. 

To all my 40+ homegirls and role models: thank you so much for showing me what it means to get older with grace. We have so many choices available to us now that weren't there for our mothers and grandmothers. We can use what freedoms and privileges we have to stay physically healthy and strong, mentally flexible and curious, and emotionally honest. 

This is 40, and I can't believe how grateful I am to be here.

Thank you.

And now, 377 words later, we're here! You'll have to scroll down quite a bit if you want to get straight to my contribution (there were a LOT of submissions), but I think you should read everyone's submission.

Click here to dig in!

I was so honored to join the call! I chose "Night Catches Us", directed by Tanya Hamilton. I remember buying it on DVD as soon as I could, because I had missed it in theaters. It's truly one of my favorite films, and I want to share that with the world.

Click here to read my essay!

This is a delayed report on how well brand-new makeup line Il Makiage holds up over the course of a sweaty night. Delayed because several eclipses plus a 6 months late menstrual period (thanks, uterus!) conspired to keep me moving like molasses for the past five weeks.

Moving right along... So I got my Il Makiage make-over at the Zaha Hadid Architects-designed, Soho-located pop-up boutique in late July, but I first noticed the brand back in early June, when I washed up in New York City, not sure what the next step in my life would be. As I was traipsing around downtown one day, dropping off my resume at different bars and nightclubs, I noticed some striking posters and billboards up around the neighborhood and on the subway.

...took the words right out of my mouth

Look, I went to art school - I'm intimately familiar with how ad companies use art and color to convince us to part with our money. I can break down any advertisement to you. So I admire how Il Makiage dispensed with the bullshit and spoke directly to me as a consumer. Maximalist. Extra. Turn down for what?

Daytime look goals AF

It's only recently that I've finally come to terms with the fact that I'm extra as fuck, and nothing turns me on like a well-executed extravaganza. So as an older woman who has little use for the natural makeup trend going on now, I'm immediately bought-in to the brand. I followed them on IG and gave a mental "THAT'S RIGHT, GIRL!" every time I saw one of their advertisements. And then I'd remember my pennilessness, and how if I were ever going to get a chance to try the brand, I needed to hurry up and snag myself a rich husband. Then they announced free makeovers in Soho.

YOU KNOW MY COUPON-CUTTIN' ASS WAS THE FIRST TO SIGN UP.

Here's the thing though: a slick advertising campaign only goes so far. And just because a makeup brand sets their price point higher than drugstore makeup doesn't automatically mean it's long-lasting or any good for your skin. As a bargain-hunting showgurl, all makeup I buy is a straight up long-term investment. I don't want it running and smearing as I sweat my ass off giving my all to an audience, and I don't want it irritating my skin just because it's been on for seven hours. So I approached my appointment as an opportunity to test Il Makiage as an investor would. And since it's not like I had an event, shoot, or performance that evening, I decided to test the brand's effectiveness using the crushing New York City humidity. 

I was assigned to an incredibly talented makup artist whose name is Danisha, and I let her know that I wanted her to throw everything but the kitchen sink at my face. Just no Kardashian brows. 

In a perfect world, I've got the budget for @heroinemua to be my personal glam artist whenever I'm on the east coast

Here's a list of the products she used on me:

• "Woke Up Like This" base foundation #175
• Hydrating Setting Spray
• "Hypnotize" fill & fix brow shaper in Espresso
• waterproof lipliner in Spooky (appropriate and on-brand)
• "Icon" high volume mascara in Black
• Black "Inkliner"
• "Color Boss" eye color #983 & #971
• "Color Boss" color quad palette "Trendsetter"
• semi-matte lip color "Royal Flush" and "Mango"
• "Mystique" correcting cream concealer #16 
• "Cookie" pressed powder
• "Chandelier" mineral baked highlighter
• "Lady Marmalade" mineral baked blush

👏🏾I 👏🏾SAID 👏🏾EVERYTHING 👏🏾BUT 👏🏾THE 👏🏾KITCHEN 👏🏾SINK.

Here's my face before she got started:

And approximately 45 minutes later, this was me:

I told you this wasn't a tutorial. 

Now began my experiment: run approximately 1000 errands on foot downtown, take a sweltering train back to Brooklyn, and view the damage at the apartment where I was staying.

I was hot. I was sticky. I looked like this:

Verdict = GIVE ME ALL OF THE PRODUCTS 

Give them to me NOW. By the way, I wasn't paid for this review, nor was I given any product. My go-tos are usually a mix of drugstore and high-end, and I take what I can get (lots of freebies over the years), and I'm grateful for it all. But I'm adding "integrate Il Makiage products into makeup arsenal" as an action item on my checklist for world domination.

Have you tried their products yet? Let me know what you think in the comments if you have, and also make sure you're following @oddboddie on IG!

If you didn't walk around South Beach half-naked and schedule a bikini shoot in the sand showing off your ASSets, did you really even do Miami Beach? I've lived the kind of life that makes my bucket list pretty short. A bikini shoot on South Beach was one of those few items, and I happily checked it off.

2. I Taught Myself Two New Poi Moves

My flow game has gotten so much better!  A good friend of mine encouraged me to learn more about the Maori roots of poi, and what I learned is so cool! I want to honor its history by adding elements of storytelling and singing, so that's what's next on my poi flow journey.

3. I Launched the "White Discomfort" Mug

If you couldn't tell by now, I ain't playin' with you hoes. Not when it comes to my career, not when it comes to my entrepreneurial spirit, nor when it comes to how I make moves in a society that demands conformity to what makes The Whites comfortable. This one is popular amongst both people of color and white allies! If you haven't gotten yours yet, then get on it :-)

4. I Tried Cuban Coffee

I've been to Miami several times before, but this was my first time having Cuban coffee. YOWZA. Strong AF. I'm not into espresso, but for some reason, I can abide the taste of this. BONUS: it really gets those bowels moving, which is very important to me as I get older.

5. I Leaned on My Friend, and She Leaned on Me

My homegirl Ashley and I have been friends since sophomore year of high school, and I've always loved how outspoken she is. It's funny, how we found ourselves in very similar mental and emotional spaces at the same time. It meant that, while I stayed with her those two weeks in Miami, we were able to help each other in the simplest ways that we didn't even forsee. I'm not going to go into the dirty details right now, but just know that because we were there for each other, we've both got brighter, exciting, and fulfilling days to look forward to. Cheers to friendship! 

6. I Signed With a Talent Agency

You're looking at one of Best Agency Miami's newest talent! Leave it to my homegirl Diana, fellow model and friend, to make the kind of introduction that leads to me now having east coast representation. I love knowing that, when I go back to Miami during the busy season, I'll have lots of opportunities as a performer. December is going to be, as the kids say, LIT.

*      *      *

What's next? Well I'm now back in NYC until mid-August with the goal of shooting and editing a video for a dance track I co-wrote with my brotha from anotha mutha, Kelvin McKay-Hill. I also hope to make some inroads as an actress and performer. We'll see! The #nomadlife is working out pretty alright for me. 

* * *

She’s the Angeleno’s Angeleno. The first that ever succeeded in being famous just for being herself and plastering it literally everywhere that mattered. Chances are, your favorite A-List celebrity adores her, and has a minor freak-out if/when they meet her. She is A n g e l y n e, and she is legend.

See that? This is how she promoted herself - the old school way. Before smartphones, apps, and “influencers”. The legend goes a little something like this: one day in the super-early 80s, Los Angeles woke up, went outside, and was surprised to see a smattering of billboards had popped up seemingly overnight, each of them featuring Angelyne posed ever-so-sensually, with her name emblazoned across each one. This created a minor media frenzy. Who was this woman? Why her? How can we interview her? Although cryptic, the campaign was meant to promote her first album (more on that in a bit). Consequently, because this woman and her manager had the audacity to create her own media moment rather than waiting around for someone else to do it, she was rewarded with small film roles, interviews, photo shoots, notoriety, and fame.

So what’s the relevance here? Why am I writing this? Because yours truly won a chance to take a free ride with her in her pretty pink Corvette!

When you walk into Ozzie Dots in Hollywood, you’ll find a receptacle on one of the counters, encouraging you to fill out a form for a chance to take a ride. Names are not pulled on a regular basis, however. Only when she might have a gap in her schedule, which doesn’t happen often. So it’s very serendipitous when you receive a text from Angelyne’s personal secret agent man congratulating you on winning a free ride with her. I was in Canada, at dinner, when the text came through, and I couldn’t believe it… but then again, I could. It’s so very surreal, and there’s no other word that can sum up life in Los Angeles.

So on the afternoon of April 15th, I met with secret agent Scott Hennig at the Coffee Bean on Vine and Sunset.

Sweet antici... pation.

His function is to coordinate a lot of her in-person meetups, let riders know what to expect, and put them at ease. We had a great conversation about Angelyne, her staying power, and the kind of character one must exhibit in order to maintain success in this town. Keyword: graciousness.

Scott Hennig shows off his published drawings of Angelyne.

After a short while, in walked the lady of the hour. Heads turned. I couldn’t hold in my grin.

I really wanted to ask her some interview-style questions, but nothing came to me. So I went with this: why does she do this whole “win a free ride” thing? Short answer: so that by the end of the ride, the rider has become an Angelyne disciple.

So what does that even mean? Simply that you and I, in every moment, are fully present, showing up as our full and total true selves, as a positive example for others to follow. And then the people watching us do it for themselves, and then on and on. So now I understand what the woman has been doing all these years, and why people like me have such a positive reaction to her.

In every moment, she’s telling the truth of herself, and it supports her. I love it.

After our chat we headed to her pink Corvette and hit the roads of Hollywood. The drive was epic, and I can’t think of a single moment in my life that I was bathed in so much pink. She trades her Corvette in for a new one every few years, just so you know. Next, she put on her second album “Driven to Fantasy”, and I was was blown away by what I heard from the stereo.

Album cover for Angelyne's first record, "Angelyne" (1982)

Album cover for Angelyne's second record, "Driven to Fantasy" (1986)

YOU. GUYS. If you love Vanity 6, The B-52s, new wave, post-punk, then you’d LOVE this record. It's seriously so good. Unfortunately, it’s been out of print for a long time, so even if you wanted a CD, it would be something like $50 or more. She has no plans for streaming at the moment. I’m crushed, cause I’ll tell you now; “Flirt”, “Kiss Me LA”, and “Skin Tight” are absolute BANGERZ and I’d love to add them to the playlist of any show I’d be MCing. Right now, I’m fantasizing about planning and producing a version of The Function that’s like a listening party for her album.

Our ride came to an end, and she let me off on a corner convenient for me to catch the train to my next engagement.

Don't sass us, we'll sass YOU! Special thanks to Scott Hennig for capturing this photo of me with Angelyne.

Having the opportunity to converse with and enjoy the hospitality of a living Hollywood legend was peak Angeleno, and no drugs or alcohol were involved. And since that day, I really have been making more of an effort “come come out of hiding” and really show up in a visual way. Not to people-please (fuck y’all, and fuck pretty), but to send a signal to certain people out there, who may run across me, and may find comfort in my appearance. It feels strange for me to even type those words, but the proof is in the pudding; I’ve encountered lots of trust, non-creepy smiles, and gifts out of nowhere ever since making the conscious effort not to hide.

Hiding is easy. Showing up is brave. Let’s spread bravery. That’s how we can be disciples of Angelyne.

WATCH THE TRAILER FOR THE NEW SHOW "ANGELYNE":

This is the first question each of us were asked in our senior seminar presentations, back in art school. In that moment, for the purpose of contextualizing my artistic efforts, I listed Kara Walker, Sebastião Salgado, Gregory Crewdson, Ana Mendieta, Stephen King. When it comes to life in general, I’ll tell you, I’m heavily influenced by my mother, and her parents. And when it’s time to serve you? Well…

I cannot believe for one moment that I’m alone.

* * *

Grace Jones - for her discipline, magnetism, and no fucks given.

Grace Jones in concert. Photo by Kevin Winter

I think my earliest memory of her was when I was six or seven, watching “Conan the Barbarian” on TV. Something about that loincloth. Something about how she held that spear and fought side by side with Conan. Something about...

* * *

Freddie Mercury - for his showmanship and powerful voice.

Caption: Michael Putland

I swear, I was born in the wrong decade - I feel ROBBED that I never got to see him live. I think the only times in my entire life I’ve ever felt jealous was while listening to recordings of his concerts with Queen. He sang with his whole body, with passion, with soul. He gave you voice! He gave you SHOW! And what’s the point of a rock show with no showmanship? Thank you for being my example Freddie! RIP, my love.

Freddie and his FABULOUS cape!

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David Bowie - for his beautiful concepts, his artfulness, his approach to putting on a show, his cheekbones...

I was born in ‘82, so I can’t pretend like “The Labyrinth” wasn’t my first David Bowie experience. I was eight or nine years old. And I was smitten with the villain. And I was forever in love. I was so into the music he was releasing in the 90s when I was in middle and high school (“Little Wonder”, anyone?), and that’s what led me into obsessing over his earlier albums and movies as an adult. I cried when he died. RIP, my love.

* * *

Prince - for his masculine femininity, his talent, his moves, his sexy

His music’s been blasted into me ever since I was an infant. My parents were still married and my dad would crank up “Let’s Go Crazy” and I would proceed to do literally that with my entire three-year-old body. As an adult, I saw him in concert twice: at Coachella, and at the kickoff to his “Welcome to America” tour in Jersey. I cried both times. His was a life of discipline, excellence, and dedication to staying true to what’s within. Prince was a gift from God himself, and we didn’t deserve him. RIP, my love.

* * *

RuPaul - for his wisdom, and the platform he’s created for all those drag queens who inspire me.

A gender-bending RuPaul Charles in 1986. Photo by Nolan M.

Seriously, if it weren’t for RuPaul’s Drag Race, I don’t know that I’d have had the bravery to really step into my career as a performer, because I wouldn’t have known where and how to even begin. And beyond the show he created, his podcast has been so invaluable to the maturing of how I approach my career. I love that I can think back to the 90s, watching his talk show and his appearances elsewhere, and see the career trajectory of an artist who’s in it to win it. Thank you Mama Ru (and please continue to keep an open mind to the concerns of the trans community).

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Scenes from Peaches' music video for "Diddle My Skittle"

Peaches - for her feminine masculinity, her pipes, for voicing the thoughts in my head. The first Peaches song I ever heard was her remix of Basement Jaxx’s “Get Me Off” back in 2001 - I was hooked. I own every album. And I DIED when she handed me a signed drumstick from the stage back in 2009 while she was on tour promoting “I Feel Cream”. She’s so creative and artistic! A woman who gives not a single solitary fuck about age, gender, and sexuality norms. I can't explain why it means so much to me that she’s outspoken the way she is. I fantasize about playing backup theremin for her.

* * *

The spirit moved me - I had to design these. For myself, and for you!

Let us unite under the banner of these fierce ones, our inspiration, our guiding lights! Let's shout their names from the rooftops and give thanks that they were given to us! Their shine has blessed us, and we pay homage 🖤

There's no one way to express black beauty. And y'all already know: I don't do "pretty". So shoutout to Onyx Box for including me in the #GenerationONYX campaign that celebrates the broad spectrum of beautiful black womanhood, including us odd-bodies 😉 (upper left corner)

Dontcha just love how my eye makeup was doing the absolute most? I know I did! So shoutout to Tiana Rae Holiday for that - she gave me some really great pointers on how to apply lashes without looking like a total amateur. Goal: get great as falsies by the end of the year.

By the way, here's the inspiration for this image:

Homegirl who was inspo for my specific look got the short shrift in this. Anyway, not to engage in too much hyperbole, but being a part of this campaign made me feel a little, you know, like I'm part of some kind of beauty history.

JUST LET ME HAVE THIS MOMENT!

Click here to view the editorial...

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"I know firsthand the consequences of raising obedient girls. My mother is a warrior queen [who] made hard decisions and so many sacrifices. My mother loves my sister and I fiercely [and] is our defender--but my mother is also a black woman from a small town in Alabama, the ninth of 10 children, yet the first of the family to attend an integrated school. The legacy of slavery and Jim Crow is such that we, as black people of the working poor, had nothing except our dignity and respectability, which was always under assault and still is. So by the time my mother was out of college, married, and raising me and my sister in north Dallas in the early '80s as we attended fully integrated schools, she believed that discipline and control was how you keep young black girls safe..."

Click here to read the entire column...

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“I’m a Texas girl, from Dallas, more specifically. I grew up in a very accepting environment; outside of my home and inside my home my parents and sister always let me know that I was loved no matter how oddball-ish people thought I was. But you know how it gets once you get to junior high, and you start noticing who’s popular, who’s cool, and how others perceive you. You know how it is. I always had great friends who, along with me, weren’t cool and popular and we loved each other for who we were. Still do! But as someone who was often the only black person in her class, who’s parents never (ever!) bought me the clothes that everyone else was wearing, who was accused by peers of “trying to be white”, I wanted to fit in so frickin’ hard. And no matter how much I tried, it never worked. It just made me stick out more, and not in a good way. So I gave up..."

Click here to read more...