Alexis Yael

lovingkindness

2012-02-10T09:13:00.002-05:00

I'm letting myself sink into comfort and lovingkindness today.

I'll snuggle into a cozy blanket, read a book, drink some Assam tea. Maybe watch a movie.

Keep trying to stealthily take some photos of the Blue Jay that has shown up to my diy bird feeder.

I'm gonna soak up the sun. Take a bath. Stay hydrated and well fed.

Most of all, I'm gonna rest and be gentle with myself, remembering.

two years ago...

2012-02-09T09:43:00.000-05:00

A world of grief and pain:
Flowers bloom;
Even then…

Issa

Two years ago, the bleeding started and my third baby, our last baby, slipped out of this world. I was twelve weeks pregnant.

Last year, I wrote a (very short, semi-fictionalized) screenplay about my miscarriage.

I have wanted to make what I called "a haiku movie" for a long time (I think I was 20 or 21 when the idea first occurred to me... not long after my first and only film-making class).

The screenplay I wrote last February is marked by the presence of Issa's haiku. And so, after years of thinking about it, I had the start of my haiku movie.

And I let it sit for a year because I was not ready.

And I don't know if I am ready now, either. No, strike that. I know I am not ready. Not enough time has passed and I am still too close to tears just reading the words again.

Maybe it was enough to write it. (It was.)

Maybe it was enough to share it with the two people I shared it with. (It was. The feedback from my souster alone was worth it.)

I am thinking about doing a minor rewrite in order to release it here (as a story) so I can stop stressing out trying to figure out how I could possibly get it made as a movie when I don't have the equipment I want or the knowledge I'd need or the money.

A short film could still happen later, but the (semi-unconscious) stress and anxiety about it? And beating myself up for not following through with such a fantastic idea? I do not need.

Less anxiety and less beating myself up is always a good thing.

More love and kindness and gentleness is always a good thing.

Today is definitely a day for love and kindness and gentleness and self-care. Two years. And the grief is still so close.

I miss you. Oh how I miss you.

liberty

2012-02-08T12:57:00.000-05:00

At the end of 2011, we went to see the Statue of Liberty. We've lived in New Jersey for a year and a half and Remy and I had only glimpsed her from the car.

It was time.

Now, everyone who knows me knows I have a very complex relationship with patriotism. (Complex is rather an understatement, actually, but let's not get into that now.) The founding ideals of this country are so very dear to me that it is painful to see how far we are from realizing the dream of true democracy. Not to mention my own socialist ideals. I am a wounded optimist, which means the slide into cynicism is all-too-easy for me.

The Statue of Liberty touched that optimist idealist in me, especially after walking through Ellis Island, which was amazing. Truly amazing.

I expected to be amazed by the grandeur, but what I truly felt that day was an immense sense of connection.

I am a child of immigrants. I know only the tiniest bit about that generation of my ancestors and where they came from and how they got here, but I know enough to know that it is entirely feasible that someone in my family passed through Ellis Island.

I am connected to history. To the history around me. Even the unknowing parts of my history are connected in me, through me.

And so I gave myself to the awe. I let myself breath in and out and be amazed.

I am connected. Yes, indeed.

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These photos were all taken on my iPod Touch, with various apps. When we were halfway from the parking lot to the ferry, I realized I had left my dslr's battery in the charger at home. Luckily, I had my iPod, because this was a day that I needed to document. I took over 300 photos of the ferry ride and the two islands.

"...to love another person is to see the face of G-d."

2012-02-07T10:21:00.000-05:00

As a teenager, I sang in show choir for all four years of high school and then did three years in my community college's choir, too. (I also sang in church choir and since I converted, I've sang in a synagogue choir, too.)

This exposed me to a lot of different music (my tastes are eclectic to say the least). From Mozart's Requiem to Phantom of the Opera, I've performed a lot of great songs. But it wasn't like Glee, we didn't sing pop songs. Or at least not current pop songs, because we couldn't afford to license them. But I listened to the radio, I loved all the music around me.

These days, my tastes are almost, but not quite, as eclectic. I don't listen to classical music much anymore, except for the occasional Saturday Opera live from the Met. And I gave up show tunes for a while.

Or rather, I just didn't get the chance to listen to them because my musicals were all on cassette and I hate having to re-buy media. But I never stopped singing.

I never stopped singing.

My husband was also in show choir, as well as a few different jazz, classical and even barbershop groups! He has an amazing voice.

It is not uncommon for us to break into song randomly.

It may even be a form of echololia, for all I know: we will hear or say a phrase, and it will remind us of a song lyric and we just start singing. Most of the time, we start singing the same song, but there are a few common phrases that inspire different songs from us.

I see that in Remy, too, but multiplied.

Right now, he gets upset when his dad and I break into song (because it is too loud and also we mostly are singing songs he doesn't know), but he's starting to come around. Last night he even started singing along with some old skool soul.

We love our child very much, but we all need to be able to sing. And so we do. Even if sometimes, we have to wait for another time or place, we sing. Together and separately, my love and I sing.

And now sometimes Remy sings with us.

Just the thought is enough to make me burst into the happiest song in the world.

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I wrote this post listening to the Original London Cast recording of Les Misérables, which is a show that has great personal meaning to me. The title is a quote from the finale of the musical (and perhaps from the book, which was written by Victor Hugo). The English translation of the libretto was by Herbert Kretzmer and the original French libretto of the musical was written by Alain Boublil and Jean-Marc Natel.

The photo is of a beautiful pair of Turkoman tassels I bought many years ago as part of my belly dance costuming. Which has almost nothing to do with music except that it does, it does. Dance and music are completely intertwined in my life. And both are interwoven with acting for me, because I was trained as a semi-triple threat. (My jazz and modern dance is not strong enough for me to be an actual triple threat, but it's never really come up, because I stopped acting in my early twenties.)

standing still

2012-02-06T08:26:00.000-05:00

here in the trenches
wind whistling above and
around: this moment.

bird photo-stalking

2012-02-03T11:22:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, Remy wanted some birdseed for a valentine's day project he'd read about in his February Highlights Magazine. (Make a birdseed valentine.) After we were done making the project, we had a huge bag of birdseed leftover. There are tons of birds in our yard, so we might as well feed them, right?

(I also like squirrels, so I didn't bother buying a squirrel proof birdfeeder. But so far the squirrels haven't noticed the bowl of seeds.)

I duct taped a plastic Tupperware container of birdseed outside my office window and hoped some of the birds that congregate in the bushes outside my window would come partake and I might get some closeup bird photos out of the deal. And they have come to eat! But they are skittish. Oh so very skittish.

So, I've been photo-stalking a pair of cardinals for the last three days. I have been totally frustrated in my attempts to get the photo I want, but I continue to persevere.

This is the female cardinal. She's slightly less freaked out by me than the male. But it has still been amazingly difficult to get photos of these two.

While I type this, they're flirting with landing on the window sill and then flying away when I turn my head slightly or move my hand towards the camera that is sitting right beside me. I've lowered the blinds so they maybe won't be as startled. I'm also trying to get better at using my peripheral vision and moving slowly enough to not startle them.

Yet another lesson in patience for impatient me.

This is the male cardinal. I got some not-great-at-all great shots of him the first day because I'd accidentally left my camera in manual mode and I didn't have time to change settings and also the window was really atrociously dirty. Since I cleaned the window off, he's been even more skittish. Sigh.

But goodness, they are gorgeous little birds!

There's also a flock of brown birds that perches in the bushes next to the house, but I don't think they've been near the seeds. Maybe the cardinals are keeping them away? Or perhaps they are even more skittish. I'm not sure.

Did I mention I'm completely having fun with this project? Oh yes. Yes indeed.

And I will get some decent photos out of it... eventually. I may need to rearrange and keep experimenting to figure how to freak the birds out less, but eventually, we'll get to a comfortable place together.

Photo-Heart Connection: January

2012-02-02T10:35:00.000-05:00

I'm still contemplating starting a 366 project. The big issue for me seems to be do I want to take the time to decide each day which photo counts for the project. I take photos almost every day as it is (and I keep a gratitude journal on my iPod touch which has a daily photo... maybe that is already my 366).

This month, though, I have found another project that calls to me. Kat at Kat Eye Studio is hosting a monthly photo-heart connection series. Her photo for the month can be found here (along with a link up of participants). (The button I am using to link through to the series is not working, at least I can't see it, can you? http://kateyestudio.com/2012/02/photo-heart-connection-january-12.html)

I actually looked at a lot of my photo archives this month, because I was going back over the year, so I am (personally) going to disqualify those photos (I know Kat includes them, I'm just not going to, it widens the field way too much for me).

I am including the old film I processed this month, even though it was shot very long ago.

And it comes as no surprise, I'm sure, that this is where my heart went, when I looked back over my month.

California. 2008. My father-in-law and his wife's back yard, shot through a disposable camera that sat in boxes and drawers for almost four years. My two year old in jeans and a tank top I dyed for him, in one of my first LWI batches.

The rolled up cuffs and too-big-in-the-butt pants. Oh, my heart. He was still in diapers, but on this trip we had switched to disposables, which gave him the worst rash. The cloth diapers were so much better, but we were going to be traveling for six weeks and there didn't seem to be a way to wash them -- or carry them all -- with us, especially in Europe, where we went next.

We did the best we could.

I have so many memories of this epic adventure. My first trip with Remy on my own (we flew to California and then to Europe where we met up with M, who had been working in France while we were in Cali visiting the grandparents). The good and the bad of being on my own, essentially, with a child who didn't sleep.

My heart both hurts and rejoices in this photo. It's a wabi sabi connection, this real life mothering. It is the most pain and the most joy I have ever known. It is work beyond imagining and reward beyond capacity.

And I survived it.

I survived being woken up every two hours (or more). I survived being woken for the day at the crack of dawn and then not knowing if he would nap or not. I survived a ten hour red eye to Paris -- well, I did manage to leave my passport in the seat behind me, but the very amazing flight attendant found it and me in the customs tunnel, after I'd panicked and a very kind stranger who spoke more English than I spoke French had already turned around with me to go try to retrieve it.

I am blessed.

(I am also absurdly kind to almost everyone I meet, and this helps people want to help me, I think. I empathize with flight attendants who work in the post-9/11 air travel field. People who fly are generally irritated and take it out on the people who have the least to say about anything. Not cool. I make sure I don't act that way when I fly, even though I am just as irritated as anyone with the tiny seats and the lack of awesomeness. /End rant)

I survived.

There were times (all through early infancy and into toddlerhood) where I did not know how I would possibly survive, but I did. And I am so proud now that I did. Despite it being the toughest years of my life, despite the hole that threatened to swallow me into a pit of despair so big I couldn't climb out, I climbed out. And I am whole again.

Compared to that, what else could I choose? What other photo could capture my heart the same way?

metablogkeeping

2012-02-01T11:05:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I wrote a little about housekeeping. This is actually the project that jump started my current rearranging of the house: cleaning my desk.

Let me stop here for a momentary nerdgasm: I finally got the recycling icon off my desktop! Now my screen is totally zen... well, it was. Today, I am trying out a new calendar/ to do list, per Goddess Leonie's Desktop Productivity Center post. Mine is not at all the same, but her idea sparked me.

Because in the midst of all my housekeeping projects (which are ongoing: I still need to go through the bookshelves and the basement... oh, the basement), I had some blogging ideas as well.

Considering that the blog is my virtual home, this doesn't seem surprising.

What I realized is that if I schedule out the ideas that I have, it will make it easier to do them without feeling like I have to choose between projects, which is one of the things that was weighing me down this past year, thinking I had to make a choice between all the things I want to write/ do.

BELIEVE! I can do them all! I just need to take it one at a time! And put the systems in place that will let me be as productive as I want to be.

Anyway, there's three new ebooks in line right now (collected poetry -- which I've been wanting/ meaning to do forever, it seems, but never got around to). I still need to format and edit, but the poems are in one place now, which was the annoying part (copy. paste. page break. copy. paste. page break. ad nauseum. shortcut keys help streamline this process, but it is still very repetitive.)

And then I got sidetracked (again), after collecting all my poetry from this blog when I went over to my (now private) livejournal and started reading all my angst over there. I had planned to just copy and paste the poems I posted there into a document, but the keyword search function isn't so great and I never tagged anything back then, so I just started reading from the top.

The last time I really posted on livejournal was before, during and after my miscarriage.

What I noticed is how much support was given to me, from my livejournal friends.

What I noticed is how much love was in my life, both in the real world and the virtual world.

Needless to say, it was a tear fest. But then right after I'd read the most sad entries a friend called at just the right time and helped lift me out of the remembered grief. She was one of the friends who took care of me -- and Remy -- in real life when I lost the waterbaby and my husband was away at a job interview.

The comments I read on those tearful livejournal entries reminded me, the phone call cemented the truth: even when I think I'm alone, I'm not. I am surrounded by love.

I am always surrounded by love.

Getting sidetracked is pretty awesome, in the end.

metahousekeeping

2012-01-31T11:10:00.000-05:00

I've spent a lot of time taking care of our house this past week.

I'm not the kind of person who has floors you can eat off of, but I (mostly) successfully kicked my tendency towards extreme sloth when I was in my early twenties, when I found a great online resource called flylady.net.

These days, I try to follow flylady's 15 minutes of picking up rule (that is, keep the house within 15 minutes of being neat). There are many other flylady rules I don't follow (actually, I'm pretty much off that system and onto my own now, but that's another book!) but the heart of the system works for me: do shorter tasks regularly, don't keep clutter, have a place for everything.

We were having a challenge keeping up with Remy's artwork (he is drawing and writing a lot these days). I've tried giving him notebooks (which he likes and uses) but he still wants to make creations out of loose paper.

So, last week, I rearranged the downstairs to have more clearly defined art spaces for him. (Which also works out to more clearly defined non-art spaces for him, so we can keep the paper out of certain rooms... see how that works?) Including a recycling bin right next to where he creates. This worked out pretty damn amazingly, reminding me once again how important systems are.

And as it usually works for me, rearranging one part of the house led me towards ideas about rearranging other parts of the house, so yesterday I hauled some furniture around and rearranged the upstairs to put all my clothes in one spot (the landing at the top of the stairs -- there are no closets in either of the upstairs bedrooms). Now our bedroom feels much clearer.

I didn't get rid of much, but I did go through my clothes and got rid of a few things that were cluttering up the space.

The hardest thing to release was the last of the maternity clothes. It felt like saying goodbye to our third baby all over again. And compassion-towards-self time: I still have one box of Goodmama diapers and five, yes five, baby carriers. Two mei tais, a mei hip, a pouch and a homemade wrap. They need to find the right home.

I am so deeply blessed to have found my right home.

growing

2012-01-30T09:22:00.001-05:00

From yesterday's mini photo-walk at the park: one branch of green leaves!

It's been obvious to me for awhile that I'm in the midst of growing.

Growth spurts are painful. I remember this from being a preteen and I know this from watching my own child grow. Growing can be very physically and emotionally painful. The longer growth spurts, in particular, can wear a person out.

And this transitioning-from-being-a-full-time-mama growth has been one very long growth spurt (that I know I am still at the tail end of, so I'm still having growing pains, as it were).

I've watched other women make this transition, but not ever in quite the same way (no one ever does anything in quite the same way). I don't really have any real life mentors in this process, but I have a bunch of virtual ones (and virtual friends who feel like real life friends are my best friends).

Being able to see what this process is and how this pain, this transitioning, isn't just me is really valuable. I am so grateful to the women (and men) who have gone before me.

What helps is to remind myself that those years I spent one-on-one with Remy were difficult (so very difficult) and worthwhile*.

What helps is to acknowledge that he is now in a place where he is poised to thrive and is thriving!

(And to remember that I am still, primarily, his mom. When he's sick, I am here. When he has a week off, I am here. That's why the plan isn't to go off and get a job out in the world or go back to grad school yet. I still need to be here when he needs me. And I need to fill my own cup enough that I can fill his cup because that is still my job as a special needs mom.)

What helps is to remember that I am new here, to this making-money-again game.

What helps is to remember to be gentle with myself. And to keep learning. And to keep growing.

And to take care of myself, even on the bad days.

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* I've never understood the so called mommy wars (working mothers against staying home mothers). We each make our own choices, with love and acknowledgement of our own needs, and the realities of our families. This is life, not a theoretical training exercise. Real people are hurt when we indulge in picking sides.

I would not presume to choose for another woman or man -- actually, my one regret in all this is that I couldn't step up and give my husband a year as a stay at home dad, he would have loved that so very much. But I didn't have the resources to make up for his income. I forgave myself for that many years ago.

sidetracked

2012-01-27T10:23:00.001-05:00

I got completely sidetracked just now thinking I would pick a favorite photo from each month last year to put in an album for myself (and perhaps showcase here). I thought I could be quick and decisive, hahaha.

January was easy -- this photo was my etsy icon for awhile. It was exactly the photo I wanted to take when I took it. I love it when that happens.

February was also fairly easy -- this photo reminds me of a favorite day.

(And OMG, we had so much snow last year!)

March got tougher, but this self-portrait reminds me of coming out of a really deep tailspin and that is a good memory.

Then I got to April and there's too many choices. Flowers starting to bloom! Our friends wedding! My family! When spring springs, I get a burst of creative energy and it shows in my photos. Oh, how I love spring.

And anyway, I don't know why I arbitrarily decided to pick one photo from each month. It's raining and I guess rain in winter makes me feel sentimental, since there's so much rain in the winter in Northern California, where I grew up.

I'll finish this project. I may do a couple different categories, but I think a random "favorite photo that hits me at this moment" is a good first category.

It's good for me to flex my "make a choice" muscle, since I tend towards wanting to include everything.

Inclusion is an awesome thing, when we're talking about people. But in terms of making a portfolio or deciding what to send off for publication, not so much. (Or even culling down the digital photos so there aren't 15 million vying for my attention. Sigh. I am getting better at deleting the very wrong ones, that's a start.)

So today I'll spend some time strengthening my inner editorial eye. I got a lot of practice doing that with poetry and writing when I was at university. I'm a mostly self-taught photographer, though, so I have to do the work and keep practicing and there isn't anyone but me to make sure I keep learning.

Perhaps getting sidetracked wasn't such a bad thing, today.
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DSLR, 50mm lens f1.7, 1/2500s, 100iso.

in my kitchen

2012-01-26T11:28:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, I got linked through to a new (to me) blog that inspired me.

You see, Tiff over at freeplaylife is hosting a 52 weeks to a Freeplaylife! challenge (which is really fun in and of itself, but that isn't the point here) and this week's challenge was self portraiture.

Obviously, I'm really into self-portraits.

But I've been feeling kinda stale about them lately. Self-portraits in bathrooms? Check. Turning the camera over (or using the iPod)? Check. Blah blah blah.

Until Tiff posted a link on her facebook page and suddenly ZAM, I got inspired.

Self Portraits Are Kinda Like Pap Smears

(Go read it, I'll wait. It was awesome, wasn't it?)

Anyway, it occurred to me that I probably do not have a single photo of me in the kitchen. (OK, possibly there might exist a photo of me in a kitchen when I was a teenager.)

And also? Some of my very favorite family photos are of people in their kitchens.

(My mom once stood/ crouched on my grandma's kitchen counter to take paparazi style photographs during the week we were all there for my grandpa's funeral, so I come by this naturally, I think.)

Of course, I had to put my own spin on things, with the blur.

This one might be my favorite.

I liked this project a lot. And it gave me more ideas for places to do self-portraits.

And there's another post on Erika's site that made me seriously consider doing a 366 project this year. I have contemplated doing one for awhile, but her slideshow really did inspire me.

As I mentioned yesterday, this week has been difficult, emotionally.

Creativity wasn't on my self care list yesterday, but of course it is essential.

Essential to living. Essential to being.

Essential.

This project was a great mini pick me up burst of creative juice.

13 photos (3 not shown).

It took maybe ten minutes (set up, positioning the camera, running back to position while the timer beeped...).

And as a result, I started to feel a bit brighter. A bit calmer. A bit more grounded.

There's something about the kitchen that does that. Calms and grounds and heals.

Nourishes.

(And also my goodness, my locks are getting long, aren't they???)

I encourage you to play along with the freeplaylife challenge! Even if you don't link up. It's awesome to get a little more freedom and play in your life!

self care for the winter blues

2012-01-25T12:19:00.000-05:00

Between the snow that hit last weekend, the gray rainy Monday that took all the wind out of my "hey, at least snow is kinda fun!" sails and some fun hormonal challenges, this week is just. done.

(Yesterday and today are very nice days, weather-wise, but even that hasn't quite been enough to turn my mood inside out. Almost, not quite.)

So, (once again) I'm going back to self-care basics:

* Hot tea and a funny/nostalgic/ romantic movie (yesterday I watched Sliding Doors, the day before it was Enchanted April) and some popcorn or seaweed snacks. And then dark chocolate. Salty and then sweet...

* Baths with custom blended essential oil bath salts, Yesterday I mixed up a batch of grapefruit-vanilla-jasmine with a touch of tea tree. YUM! Buying essential oils for making my own bath salts is probably the best self-care money I ever spend. Seriously: just take a cup of epsom salt, add some essential oil to it (I mix up my own blends by what I'm in the mood for that day, but I lean towards citrus-floral blends with some sort of earthy base note, like sandalwood or patchouli). Instant awesome bath salts.

* Music. I've been leaning more and more towards spotify this week because I can control what I am listening to (usually I listen to pandora and appreciate the randomness). Right now I am listening to Pearl Jam's Ten. (One of the few albums I can listen to in its entirety without skipping anything. There is not one single filler song on that album.)

* Drinking enough water. Being sick last week (and mostly not being able to breath out of my nose at night, despite using those awesome nasal strips) left me totally dehydrated. I don't drink coffee when I'm sick (so as not to worsen the dehydration factor) but for some reason, I'm still struggling to rehydrate this week. More water!

* Making sure I am following through (and keeping up) with taking my daily medications/ vitamins. It's easy to forget. (I don't take much, just the Advair for my asthma, fish oil, D3, St John's Wort and Magnesium oil spray. And a regular multivitamin. If that seems like a lot, you should see my mom's regimen.)

* A phone chat with my friend B, which cheered me up more than she probably realized.

* Going back to my daily yoga practice (I haven't picked it back up since being sick last week -- still doing the bare minimum, but now that I am well again, I can start doing more).

* Wearing bright and colorful, comfortable clothes. (I take my cue from Frida Kahlo on this one and play dress up a little when I am feeling most down. Today I am wearing a purple batik skirt and warm lavender striped shirt.)

* Being kind to myself. The most important piece of the self-care puzzle. And the hardest. Every time I spiral down, it is work to remind myself that this moment is just that: one moment. To be gentle and kind to the inner worries. This takes so much practice.

And is so very worth it.

Self-care is always worth it.

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Straight out of camera (aside from being cropped to make it square).

DSLR, 90mm lens (135mm with the crop factor): f2.8, 1/30s, 100s.

lesson from a rain drop

2012-01-24T09:03:00.000-05:00

so this, then is the plan:

be where i am.
rest in the knowing
and the unknowing.

and when the weight
of the falling water
accumulates,

let go.

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I've already had a question on whether I will work with blog SEO and the answer is yes: please contact me. Pricing depends on the scope of the work.

Poeming Monday

2012-01-23T09:43:00.001-05:00

Snowman

Mismatched button eyes, leaves for arms,
a big amorphous blob with a smaller blob plopped on top,
the snowman my five and a half year old made.
Jaunty string scarf and the oh-so-cute-and-carroty nose.

And he'll most likely melt by the end of today, if he hasn't already.
He's a happy little snowman, but he's not meant to last.

Like all things, he appears and disappears,
a collection of endlessly recycled atoms
building and rebuilding and rebuilding

something turning into nothing
and then into something again

over and over and over and over
amen

flowering in winter

2012-01-20T09:08:00.000-05:00

The dandelions in the cracks of our stairs are still alive and (slowly) growing. Even blooming! One of the buds seems about ready to seed!

This fascinates me, because according to the calendar, it is January! Last year, there was definitely snow on the ground by this point, and this year we've had one freak snowstorm (in October) and maybe some flurries since.

This has been a thankfully, blessedly easy winter so far.

(Dandelions!)

I needed an easy winter, so thank you to whoever I can thank. Thank you all.

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This photo was taken with my dslr with the 50mm lens wide open (f1.7) in bright sun with 100iso. Normally, I'd stop down a little (or use a different lens), because at 1/4000s (the fastest shutter speed of my camera!), it was still pretty overexposed. Ugh.

(This was part of a series of shots I took the other day trying to figure out the extent of my lens issue... I have put off getting it cleaned or replacing it and I need to just buck up and get it done. It's possibly starting to stick even wide open. Sigh.)

Needless to say, I had to post-process this to get an image I liked. Once again, I ran the Lomo action on it via picnik.com and then tweaked the contrast and shadows.

dawn

2012-01-19T08:13:00.000-05:00

I think one reason why I am drawn to the "golden hour" light is that I regularly miss half my opportunities to see it.

Afternoon is my time. Morning (especially pre-dawn) is not. Oh, in my wilder, youthful days, I may have stayed out and stumbled home around (or after) dawn, and wondered at the glory of the light before shutting all my curtains tight and crawling into bed. But I never got out the camera to capture it. (In part because in those days, everything was film, and for me that meant a crappy point and shoot film camera. And then a not-so-crappy digital point and shoot, around when we moved into the 21st century.)

But occasionally in this motherhood gig (and in the "sharing one car" gig), I now get to see the dawn. And I'm mostly going to bed early enough that this doesn't cause me great consternation the way it used to, when (for example), I had to get up to work at 4am once a week.

And oh, how worthwhile it is, that golden light at the dawning of the day.

I'm still not a morning person, but I'll happily take out a day pass every now and again and enjoy the view.

Black Out

2012-01-18T11:02:00.000-05:00

Today, many internet companies and people involved heavily in the internet (we who are bloggers and geeks) are protesting internet censorship with a blackout.

I'm not tech-savy enough to easily go dark (without taking down my whole site and praying that I can bring it back the next day) or big enough to pretend that my going dark would make a difference. But I can pass along links and so I shall:

Start with educating yourself about SOPA and PIPA, if you don't know what they are already. Forbes has a fairly thoughtful piece on SOPA and PIPA: "What are SOPA and PIPA and Why Are People Upset?"

Techdirt has a more impassioned piece on SOPA/ PIPA: An Updated Analysis: Why SOPA And PIPA Are A Bad Idea, Dangerous And Unnecessary.

Wikipedia is black for the day. That's how important this is.

The Oatmeal is also black for the day, but he is (lucky us!) running a very funny slideshow in protest of PIPA and SOPA. You can go read it, I'll wait.

Google did not go black (can you IMAGINE?) but has a link for people to take action.

Signing this petition is a good start. Looking up your state's representatives and finding their position is also important: use this handy chart.

Save the Internet has a handy widget you can use to get the phone numbers for your senators.

Make sure they hear your voice!

(I was disappointed to find out that my favorite liberal state senator is in favor of SOPA/ PIPA. I have written him before and he will be hearing from me on this issue again as I plan on making some phone calls today.)

under the weather

2012-01-17T09:37:00.002-05:00

The cold I felt coming on all last week (sore throat), came and crashed. Now it isn't a sore throat so much as a general feeling of malaise.

Until my return to health, please feel free to surf through the archives and enjoy.

at the end of the week

2012-01-13T11:15:00.000-05:00

When all your desires are distilled
You will cast just two votes:
To love more and be happy.

- Hafiz

I guess it should come as no surprise to me (but it does, it does) that even though I do not have a traditional job, by the end of the week, I am still ready for the weekend.

Actually, this week I was ready on Wednesday. I'm a little frazzled. And I have a sore throat. My mood spiraled down, kept from tanking by tremendous loads of self care, and now seems to be spiraling upwards, slowly. It was work to keep myself from drowning in the bad mood. Worthwhile work, but still work that has taken its toll.

As a stay at home /work at home mother/ artist who has a kid full time in school, I spend more time on my own -- something I need to stay happy -- during the week. But our after-school week routines are still wonky because having to add homework into the mix throws us all off. He loves it, don't get me wrong, but he is hyper x 1,000,000 when he's done and that's making bedtime harder and more frustrating and I find it difficult to shake it off after he's asleep.

We'll find our groove. I know we will. Transitions are transitions and we just need time. But this week threw some PMS hormones into the mix (and that sore throat) and so I am frazzled, frazzled and needed calm and weekdays with my boy just aren't calm.

Meanwhile, weekends are still our lovely, no hurrying, shelter. We try to do one main thing a day (shopping for groceries or going to the zoo) and then we just play the rest by ear. Remy is still really energetic but we can set a more relaxing pace and find a balance that works for all of us.

Weekends keep me sane.

And we hire a babysitter for a few hours each weekend and go to the movies, or to lunch. This also keeps me sane, because spending time with my husband is one of the things I crave.

To love more and be happy.

Oh, Hafiz. You were wise, indeed.

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Do these notes about the photos help anyone? This shot was taken with my dslr and processed with picnik. 90mm lens (crop factor = 135mm), f2.8, 1/400s, 100iso. That shutter speed was off, in my opinion, which is why I processed it, using the "lomo-ish" effect. Also, I cropped it into a square and of course, added my url.

more wabi sabi adventures in film

2012-01-12T09:36:00.003-05:00

I bought a lot of three expired Kodacolor gold (plus) 100 from a seller on etsy. If you're my age or older, you might remember, this is the film that kodak advertised with the "True Colors" campaign (link goes to YouTube) with choral versions of Cyndi Lauper's song.

These rolls expired in the mid 90s, so I didn't think there was a chance for "true" colors, nor did I want them! Expired Kodak film is said to shift red or orange, and this one definitely shifted magenta/ purple. (Which may also have something to do with the chemicals it was developed in at my local CVS. Or may have to do with the "plus" of the film, a designation I cannot find any info on.)

The blue line is present in every photo. After googling, it may be a problem with the scanner at the CVS being dirty rather than something to do with the film. C'est la vie. I'm using CVS because they're close and they're cheap. I'll ask them to clean their equipment or I'll go somewhere else. Actually, I think I may have them rescan: after looking at the negatives, I don't see a blue line.

I wish I had a scanner that scanned negatives now. I bought an awesome printer/ scanner, but I wasn't thinking about scanning negatives. Le sigh.

Being new to film and especially new to purposefully using expired film, this is all just an adventure. A grand experiment, if you will.

There's a reason wabi sabi is in my tagline.

Purple being my favorite color, I was really pleased about this color shift. But I think I'd have been happy any way they turned out. Part of the experimental process for me is not really knowing exactly what the film will do.

That early morning light and the purple shift made these hydrangeas look pink again. It isn't realistic, but it is beautiful.

So very beautiful.

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All photos taken with a Maxxum 7000 (my film slr) with a 50mm 1.7 lens, wide open. Expired Kodacolor Gold Plus 100 film. Shutter speed not written down, but since I shot in aperture priority, it doesn't really matter. I manually focused most (if not all) of these shots.

Also, you may be wondering, why do I always shoot the 50mm lens wide open? First of all, that's the point of the lens to me, to get that small "sweet spot" of focus and have the rest be blurry (called "bokeh"). Second of all, the aperture is oily and if I stop it down, it sticks, overexposing my shots. I need to clean it, but I haven't had the cajones to do it myself yet and I don't want to pay to get it done because that's almost the cost of another lens and maybe I should just buy a f1.4 instead.

Wordless Wednesday

2012-01-11T09:58:00.000-05:00

early morning light

2012-01-10T09:55:00.003-05:00

Digital, 90mm (crop factor = 135mm). f2.8, 1/250s, 100iso. Manual focus.

I had to be awake and bundled up early this morning, so I could see the school bus off (normally, my husband takes the morning duties, but he he's away on business today).

The light was amazing, so after the bus pulled away, I took my two cameras and walked around the backyard, shooting.

1/160s

I'll get the film back hopefully later today (I'm going to go drop it off at lunch time). Meaanwhile, I'm quite happy with these digital photos.

Dried hydrangeas are definitely a wabi sabi kind of beauty.

the past

2012-01-09T12:15:00.003-05:00

Every moment we are here, we accrue a past as the next moment arises. Memories, friends, images, paperwork, things. No matter how zen we make our selves, no matter how minimalist the surface, we all carry the past with us.

This is just a trusim, the foundation of our lives. The story of our days. We cannot change the forward motion of time. Most of the time we don't even think about it.

But imagine, if you will, those cases where stroke or neurological impairment or disease wipes out memory. Not being able to remember the people we loved. Not knowing when or where we are. Losing our language. This is not something we would wish on anyone.

The past doesn't have to haunt us, doesn't have to rule us. Our possessions do not need to take control. We can learn to curate the past and bring forward only that which serves us. But our pasts matter, they carry meaning and weight. Memory is an important tool in our day to day living, from the mundane ("where did I put the car keys?") to the sublime ("Oh yes, this is the kiss of the person I married" which draws us closer with each subsequent kiss).

Today, I am thinking of someone very close to me who is seeing a neurologist today for testing and hoping that her fears will be assuaged and that all will be well.

Today, I am thankful for my memory, for the blessing of time, for my past.

Today, I carry my past forward into the present, into this moment and I give thanks for who I am.

making space for myself

2012-01-06T09:32:00.001-05:00

I woke up feeling overwhelmed and anxious.

Not completely out of the blue, but not completely in line with how I felt yesterday, either.

This first week of real kindergarten has been overwhelming to me, in its complexity and expectation. I'm not used to Remy being gone a whole 'nother hour yet, and when he does get home, there isn't the same feeling of spaciousness I'm used to, in large part because there's homework.

He's happy though and according to the teacher, he has transitioned into the class fairly easily. This class is good for him, but I am anxious it is too much, too quickly. In reality, it's just a lot for me to process and I need to give myself space, too.

So, today I am making space for myself. Journaling. Wearing clothes that make me feel brighter. Listening to music that brings me back to myself. (Nine Inch Nails at the moment.) I may watch a weepie movie later and just sit, listening, after.

But first (or during) I'll work on the two etsy listing test cases I want to finish. (Yesterday brought an amazing result from my first test case, we were both floored by the results. It was shockingly awesome. Just a few changes can bring such a result? Tremendous.)

Spaciousness doesn't mean curling up into a fetal position and shutting out the world although I may do that for a few minutes, too. I'm not completely ruling it out.

It means me be-ing. Bringing myself into alignment and practicing self-care and kindness. Feeling the feelings I am feeling without hurting myself further by forcing or expecting them to go away or trying to distract myself out of it.

Gentleness.

Like a mama, soothing her fussing baby. Or a best friend after a bad day. Or a lover, so soft and gentle, knowing just the right things to do and say.

Letting myself be without freaking out and loving that I am here to do so. Knowing that I am privileged to be here.

Yes.