a dreamer's reality

Hello Friend

2011-02-26T23:52:00.003+08:00

Hey there.

It's been a long time.

I can barely remember the last time I sat down, and wrote something here. It feels like a whole lifetime ago.

The fact is, I might have gotten a little better. But I'm still stuck here.

I don't really know what's going on.

But I think I need somebody to talk to. At the moment, there's just you and I. And I'm satisfied like this.

You know, relationships aren't easy.

It's already hard enough trying to be nice to yourself. It's even harder when you need to be nice to another person.

Once upon a time, I thought that it was the simplest thing in the world to do.

But now, I realise that I was just ignoring myself.

Anyway. Friendship.

Is it really all that shocking when I find myself without so much as a friend? I hid. For over a semester I hid inside my room, almost totally clueless about anything happening outside.

And it seems that, at the end of the day, I am, still, utterly on my own.

I've no doubt (maybe I have some) that if I died one of these days, that they'd be there to pay their respects, but ten years, twenty down the road, I don't think a single one would remember me.

Life's like that sometimes.

I keep everybody out of my life, so much so that I never realised that myself.

People must think I'm an arse, and a stuck-up one at that.

Sometimes I really feel like Dr. House.

But at others, I feel that I am him.

Bitter, loathsome, and self-centred.

Perhaps it's just the way that I deal with things.

You know, sometimes I am just sick of everything.

Talking is a bother.

Communication — my communication skills, that is — is just completely and terribly useless.

People look at me in a certain way.

Sometimes I pride myself to know a lot. And I honestly believe that I could lead any ship comfortably and with respect.

But I certainly cannot get there.

It's funny how people never consider me a candidate for leadership.

Ideas, skill, foresight. Call me arrogant but I have a bit of them too.

Somehow or rather, the people that get into those positions of actually leading me, find my wrath very early on.

I've always wondered how I got to work with incompetence every single time.

I admit, I've never really liked leading.

But what's worse is knowing that somehow, the person who ends up leading is really just a clueless person. So sometimes, when the task at hand is dear to me, I rise.

Over the years, there hasn't been a lot of such occasions though.

I never thought that I am very good at communicating.

There was always room for people to think that I am arguing with them.

And perhaps they are right.

But that was always the problem. I never really saw their point completely either. I always thought I did. Or at least I thought I saw most of it.

But nobody ever stood to listen to my side. Mostly because they were never ready to defend theirs either. They'd just go on insisting their correctness, and I'd go on convincing them. You'd think people would listen to convincing arguments, but really, most people didn't want any convincing in the first place.

There isn't really a person in this world, at least not thus far, that I could really speak to.

Sometimes I wish I didn't grow up so quickly.

You'd always find yourself alone somehow. With nobody around you.

I'll admit that I never really tried to keep anybody around me.

That's because nobody ever really cared about me. There's always something they want from me.

I'm good that way.

One thing I think everybody would say about me is that I'm a very nice person. But most of the time, this niceness makes me the best person to be taken advantage of.

It's like taking candy from a baby. Because I'm just so willing to help out.

Argh. I don't need this pityfest.

Grey's Anatomy, here I come. (Let's hope I can make a better post the next time, if there is one.)

Design by Committee Sucks (Or How To Get A Camel When Designing A Horse)

2011-01-19T10:56:00.003+08:00

Hey. I know it's been some times since I ever wrote anything here.

Well, that's because there isn't that much to write to begin with, which means my life is moving along being pretty happy at the moment. But, as life is, it isn't always just like that. There's always something to make you furious. And for the few past weeks, design has been exactly that.

You see, I've always loved design.

Design was one of those things where you really could express yourself, and communicate. Especially if there was a purpose to it all. The pure joy of being able to communicate visually and clearly to an audience — that is amazingly unbelievable.

But.

Unfortunately, things don't always work the way you wished they did.

There are always constraints. Always obstacles. Always an ***** who doesn't understand what you're trying to accomplish. And so a lot of whatever you do goes to waste.

You see, I'm working on a design for some other people at the moment, and it has to go through layers and layers of red tape. No, one layer isn't good enough. Everybody must be together in this. Then the next superset of everybody. And then one more, just for good measure.

And so, it comes out being ugly, inconsistent, and never really does what it's supposed to do. What a great big mess.

Now, if all you wanted from your "horse" was an animal with four legs that moves, a camel would do fine. But if you wanted to showcase the elegance, the speed, the grace with which a horse gallops across the plains — well you've come to the wrong place.

But they don't understand all that.

The problem with non-designers are exactly that.

They don't think like a designer.

They think about themselves, and not about target audience.

So what if it's pretty?

If it's useless, is there a point?

If nobody sees it, does it make a difference?

Too bad I didn't grow balls.

Maybe I should.

Anyway, I shouldn't care too much.

Because it's already screwed up before it even started.

Why? Because designs, are supposed to be made by one team. Not multiple independent groups who do what they want and then bring them together and made nice. This way, you don't get a horse. You don't even get a camel. You get five camels, and one camel has a hump, two has five, and the other two are crocodiles.

And they're supposed to represent the same thing? You must be kidding me.

Anyway, I'm gonna go grow some balls.

A Handle on Life

2010-12-27T01:03:00.002+08:00

Dear diary (or blog, reader, robot, human, or whatever you would rather be called),

It's been far too long a period that I have not written anything on the site. And it's rather funny how these few months have been. How fast they flew by. How fast anything happens with life nowadays.

But anyway, to sum it all up, I can't really talk about the past few months. There is apparently a ban on talking about the past few months, so I'm not talking much about it.

What I can say, though, is that I have gone through a hell of a semester, being busy and all, and keeping to myself so much, that I sometimes feel a little disconnected from society itself. Even though I know people and people know me, but sometimes it feels like that's just all there is. Does knowledge mean anything at all?

But I'm not here to ramble on that. I'm going to ramble about the consequences of that, along with everything else in my life. *starts story* Ahem.

A long long long time ago, when I was slightly younger (which isn't really that long to be honest, but I guess it's long enough to be considered ancient history for me), I fell in love. Yes, a fool. A fool indeed. But this love was not meant to be. It would not be requited. Never to be returned in kind.

But yet, I hoped. And I pined. And I did all sorts of silly antics. (Well, in my defense, I didn't think they were very silly at that time, only silly in retrospect.) But that came with a bag of troubles that I soon found myself carrying. A baggage of emotional burdens. Sadness, mellowness, hopelessness, bleakness. I was depressed. And it wasn't a very happy time for me. (Of course, if it were happy, I wouldn't be depressed now, would I?)

And so, I slowly forgot how to love. How to enjoy life. How to just be.

I look back at the young and foolish me, and I furiously wish that I would just be as innocent and dreamy as I was before. But alas, I fell in love.

So today, as I trudge through each passing minute of my life, somewhat enjoying the moment, but usually with a heavy heart, I wonder, what have I done with my life.

Each passing day brings me new things to see, new amazing wondrous things. But while the past me would have rushed to dream up new things, here I am, just looking, browsing. Awe is all I have left, and there isn't even much of that left. I feel like I've simply just gotten so bored with my life, so tired of it, I stopped living. I stopped feeling.

And so life buzzes me by.

I do have dreams. I still have them, frequently.

But no longer do I have the spirit, the passion, the heart, to make any of it come true. It's as if I'm already an old man inside, just waiting for my time to come. A sad old man.

Sometimes I feel it's just that I have too many dreams and wishes, and I want to do too much. And never starting anything.

I have all the ability in the world. But none of the will.

I thought things will change, and things will inspire me. But deep down inside, the only thing that would ever relight my spark, is me, myself and I. And I don't know if I have the heart to do so.

Every passing day is a faze, I wake up, stare at the computer like a mindless drone, surf through a million useless news items, and then I go to sleep, not having achieved anything.

Or maybe I'll be organizing my hard disks, because they've become so messy and cluttered, and I can't work with a cluttered system.

But other things come a-calling. Obligations, responsibilities, social invitations, messages, random impulses. And I just stop doing them. Or maybe it's just way too many things to arrange, far too much to sort. And new things come in every day.

It's like I'm sleeping on the sidewalk, while life buzzes by me each and every day. And I, I don't think I can or will ever get a handle on life.

Education

2010-09-21T00:14:00.006+08:00

Okay, I know, I know. It's been a whole month (almost) since I wrote anything. Honestly? I did write some stuff a few weeks back, but it wasn't complete and so I just abandoned it.

Anyway, to sum things up in the last draft post, lately I've found myself in unfamiliar territory. Life has been chugging along full speed, and it's becoming more and more foreign to me as each day passes. But so far, I guess I'm coping. I don't really know what to make of the whole situation yet, so I shan't say anything yet. Anyway, that was two weeks ago. A lot has happened since then. A lot has happened since I last uttered the magical words that got me into this situation. Hahaha.

It is sometimes very appropriate to say that life comes a-knocking when you least expect it to, and life will shove you in the direction that you resist the most. But then again, I'm not saying that resist studying and grades will come naturally, however much it seems to have happened to me before.

I guess in a sense, life provides you opportunities when you don't really expect them to come. And when they happen, it's up to you to make good use of them, or let it go.

Yeah.

I don't really know what's happening right now, partly because I'm still slightly resistant to the idea, and well, I'm not sure what's happening at all. But I'm finding out slowly. And I think it will be interesting, even if the outcome becomes something I will look back on and hate myself for.

Anyway.

Today, I want to talk about learning. And studying.

It's actually amazing how diverse the studying culture can be. And how appropriate than to write something during the week that most of us NUS students will get the most time to study? (Actually it would have helped more if I wrote it earlier so we could all prepare in advance, but heck, I doubt anybody reads it for that anyway.)

I have a rather dissimilar way of learning or teaching than what is given in the standard Asian system. The Asian system of education is basically such: take a kid, give him a book with facts and formulae, make him memorise all of it without explanation, and then make him sit for a test to measure the amount of knowledge he's gained from it. People who do well with memory work wins, others, well, not quite.

I've always said this through the years. It's also why I've never really excelled in Biology, or History, or Geography for that matter.

Biology was full of nomenclature that never made sense, unless you knew the whole story (and they conveniently give you the names without tell you where they're from).

History? Oh, So-and-so did this at this date which cause So-and-so-two to do this at a later date. Yay. Why? What caused them to do such things? I guess it's actually written, but you can't ever explain why they did something on a particular date and not one day too soon. I know more or less how history went down, in rough details, but ask me about the dates and I'll give you a blank stare.

Geography? If somebody manages to describe why one particular river is called A and another called B consistently, I think I'd have a simple method remembering all this. But nobody has a reason for that. Although, it does seem pretty interesting how some landmarks are the same word repeated in two different languages. But they never taught me any of those. Map, names, remember.

What I do particularly well with, are subjects that deal with reason. I'm not really sure why, but I think we can all agree that if you can see why something works that way, you're wont to remember it better. It's something to do with how our brains work actually. While some people excel at pure memory work, we can all do this pretty simply.

Mathematics. I don't think anybody has any trouble learning basic arithmetic. There might be some, but it's due to a communication barrier rather than the concept itself. Physics? Same thing. I don't think that you can ever forget how to calculate the velocity of something once you learn it.

So what's the difference, and why does it matter?

The difference is that there is a grand idea, an overarching concept in one, and there's a million different things and pure chaos in the other. People like simple things. It's just something we appreciate subconsciously. And simplicity is obviously not in pure chaos. I mean, just look at the field of chaos theory. They're still trying to figure a lot of things out, and it's with the use of computers. And guess what they're doing? They're trying to find a logic behind all that mess. Which is, in other words, a grand idea.

Okay. So now, hopefully I've sold you on the fact that we should all learn things with grand ideas. (I'm not saying that Geography and History don't have their place, but unless you're training future geographers or historians, I don't think they need to memorise any of that nonsense. And even if they are future geographers or historians, they have books to hold that kind of information.)

Well, I'm just getting to the crux of the argument here.

Studying is a very fun thing to do. When you do it right, that is. When you do it wrongly, it is a chore: boring, mundane, and menial. But how do we do it right?

Simply put, we look for the ideas.

I've never once memorised a physics equation by heart for which I didn't know how to derive it. This is one of the reasons why I loved kinematics so much. It was all so intuitive.

For me, derivation is like working from the idea forward. That means knowing the concepts. Sure, I'll have to remember a few things here and there. I still need to remember the definitions. And there's tons of ideas that I need to memorise. But because I have some kind of application for these definitions, I don't see them as memory work. I see them as the grand idea.

I almost forgot the other important part of studying.

I find it pointless to learn something that does not have any practical use at all. Note that this practical use can be as abstract as possible, like hyperbolic functions, for which I still don't really see much real-life use for at all, but still remember, because they work in tandem with Euler's imaginary identity. And that's all I need. Some place to hook the definition to and we just keep building on.

Application is useful because sometimes, we can forget equations. But when we know why we need those equations, we can derive them back ourselves. It's actually the same idea as ensuring that there's a grand idea behind everything. Except that it's backwards. With the grand idea, we move forwards, and with the application, we move backwards.

And when you can move forwards and backwards from any point on the line between the idea and the solution, you've got yourself a complete understanding of the subject.

And let me tell you this. A lot of people will kill for such knowledge. I used to see lots of people going round merely reciting everything by heart.

Sure they'd do better on a closed book exam under a time limit. But put them under great duress, and make them panicky and jumpy, and see who performs better. Memory can fail you. Understanding rarely will.

In every subject that I've learnt so far, and I can't say I've learnt many, there's an unseen framework, a rigid set of rules that hold the whole subject together. Languages have grammar. Mathematics has equations and symbols. And so does everything else. It's just there, waiting to be found.

Now that I've planted the idea in your head, I need to then describe how to put it into use.

Gather information from all sources. Don't just rely on the textbook. Experienced people are your friends. And last but not least, stay curious. Ask questions. Wonder. Imagine.

You know, I actually have lost that sense of curiosity before. I lost it when I fell into a slump before. But now, it's back and it's roaring again. It's like I'm new again.

Gather information from many sources. Google and Wikipedia are super useful for that. The Internet is a vast mine of information waiting to be dug out. And what better way can you utilise it other than to use it?

Don't just rely on the textbook, or the lecture slides. You know, most of the people I know rely solely on the textbook alone. And it's the recommended text. Or some might forgo the book and rely on the slides instead. "They're enough," they exclaim. On the off-chance that it is enough, it would have to include everything with application, proofs and ideas. Some textbooks might have all that. Slides usually don't. And being the thrifty me, I try to not buy textbooks at all. And the recommended textbooks? Well, they're limited in number, and usually loanable for up to two hours at a time. Totally inconvenient. What I do instead is, I scrounge for all sorts of texts on the particular subject from the library and loan them for two weeks. If nobody wants them I get to hold them indefinitely. With such a trove of treasure in the library, nobody else bothers to even use it. I get to save money, and learn more. Especially because I have more references. If one book explains it poorly, I have another one to tell me something differently.

I realise that this is one avenue that I've rarely utilised well. But way back in my secondary school years, there was a Mathematics teacher in the school was one like that. He even shared some of the same ideas I have about education. In fact, I actually got some of these ideas off him. But he was experienced, and he knew a lot of things. And over those years, I learnt a lot from him, tons more than I ever would have learnt in the classroom alone. I even learnt how to use basic arithmetic to check for divisibility. That one was one of the coolest things I have ever done in my life.

Last but not least, curiosity.

I think curiosity is something you just need to have. Without it, you wouldn't even bother with any of the above. In that sense, it is the one thing you need to have even if you don't have any of the above. Because when you ask who, what, where, when, why and how (the most important ones being why and how to me), you open yourself to a realm of questions. And how to answer them? Via the above.

Curiosity is something a child has, a youth ignores, and an adult detests. As a child, we often saw something interesting, and then just started pouring a million questions out. You know, I actually was quite the toy-breaker when I was young. I broke way too many toys, just trying to take them apart. And the worst part is that they weren't mine sometimes. So I'd keep quiet and tried to fix them up as best as I can. And sometimes I'd succeed. It's actually cool that I managed to do a lot of that. Even though I broke a lot more. I think it actually helped make me who I am today.

As we grow older, we get so used to the replies of "why are you such a busybody", "don't ask silly questions", "if you are quiet, nobody will say that you are dumb", "I don't know", and a load of other similarly themed responses from adults that deter our curiosity. I'm not sure if I actually got any of that, but when I look around me, I see that people aren't as curious as I do most of the time. We get used to expecting such responses and soon, we ignore our urge to ask questions at all.

Even older still, we follow in the steps of our seniors, and do the same thing back to the next generation. And the vicious cycle continues.

The idea here, is to stop it now. You don't have to make a grand statement. I've never made one. Just start with yourself, and do the same to the people around you, and perhaps your kids maybe. I, for one, know that if I ever have kids (and if I don't, I'll adopt), I'll bring them up in an environment that's conducive for them to be curious.

Okay. I'm ending my pseudo-rant here.

Studying is fun. But it's the most fun when you understand it. I've always found it a chore before, but now, it's like the best thing I can do.

With that, I take my leave, and hopefully the next one won't be so distant.

Missing

2010-08-30T01:49:00.002+08:00

Today, I did the most incredulous thing ever. I sang a cappella in front of a semi-large crowd. And somehow, with luck on my side, I managed to finish the song unscathed. And it was with a rousing end to it as well. Haha. I believe I hit an F with that one. And nicely as well. Not to boast, but I've been dreaming of an F for a long time. And never did I think that I would do it to such a scale ever.

But that's about the only thing I will ever do in public. I shan't ever do that again. I doubt it.

Sometimes I realise how funny life is.

Today, I had the most painful realisation about how solitary I had become.

But for some weird reason, I didn't mind it. Undoubtedly, it does feel a little unnerving at times — being lonely in a crowd is the worst thing you can ever get. But I guess it does come with some kind of clarity.

I've seen plenty of circles form and fade – they come and go with the times. And while one day you see people become good friends, and the next, they become strangers.

Being in my situation as such, the one where I choose to be alone, unattached and uncommitted, I find myself being in such a place where I can freely say the things on my mind, and not worry about any consequences. Well, none that are directed at me, that is. I can comment on a lot of things with brutal honesty, and give my true five cents.

Perhaps it is also right to say that I shouldn't have had any fears of being honest in the first place. But that being so, I think I used to have a need for people to like me very much. Now, I just don't really care. I speak my mind, and if other people enjoy it, they should stay, otherwise, they'll stay away.

It's not that I don't want people's affection or something. I no longer need it.

Sometimes it feels like I'm becoming more and more selfish. But sometimes it feels like I've been released from a burden.

But then I do feel guilty sometimes. My conscience says that I should stay, but I would feel so uncomfortable staying. Perhaps it's just the amount of history I've built up with so many resentments.

Sometimes I wonder if anybody would notice if I disappeared. If nobody made contact with me for a week or so, would anybody worry? If I don't reply anybody's message, nor does anybody see me, will somebody think of me?

Hahahaha. I'm feeling a little blue. Somehow, I'm trying to maintain distances wherever I go. Which is not good. But I still do it anyway.

This life is annoying.

Missing something crucial from my life. And I don't know what it is.

I think I actually know what it is. Just that I've yet to find a suitable fit.

And so I continue searching.

Anyway.

On a lighter, happier note, I'm proud to say that I'm beginning to embrace my left-handed roots. It seems that I'm becoming more and more of the creative soul I should be, rather than the logical rational being I already am.

Somehow, everything about me seems paradoxical to a certain extent. I've always been left-handed, but my left-brain is like a super-powered beast. Did I ever mention I aced the Mensa entrance exam when I was fourteen? It was a purely logical test. Then again, tests at that age aren't really reliable, and I've come to realise that my logical skills aren't that awesome after all.

However, math, logic, computers — these are all left-brained subjects. On the other hand, my right-brained subjects are repressed. Music, and the arts. But I guess I'm more and more becoming the person I'm supposed to be. The less paradoxical me.

It occured to me earlier today, that the extent of which I can think like a computer is shocking. In a way, is that considered empathy?

You're right. I am bastardizing the definition of empathy, but if I put myself in the place of a computer, to the point where it's almost like I am the computer (I can trace a path through code pretty quickly, and I can make up algorithms in computer-think with relative ease), maybe that's one of the many reasons why I see so many things from several perspectives?

Yesterday, something weird hit me. I was out grocery shopping for last night's potluck, and I just randomly saw that one of the girls were carrying bags in both hands. Being me, I offered to take the load off one hand. This exact thought went through me: "There's another girl there, and she's holding two bags too, and she's probably a little unhappy about my actions." Unfortunately, there wasn't another guy around who offered to help her take. I would say that she voiced her slight discontent quite obviously when we were talking a while later, but it would have been a biased opinion.

If you would entertain me for a while, I would say that it's fairly weird how quickly the thought occurred to me. Empathy at work? Or just another one of those random cases of intuition that happen to be somewhat correct?

Probably the latter, and I'm just probably drumming it up to be more than what it actually is.

Anyway. You see the pattern here?

I'm being totally self-destructive again.

My head is full of thoughts (as it should be). But sometimes, these thoughts are of things that I can't act on. Things that I have no control over. The mind is interesting in that it can think about a lot of things. And some of these things, well, they aren't exactly useful.

So it just harps on it, and keeps repeating itself. To no end.

You know, I think I'm a very bad person.

I think I'm very flower-hearted.

Or probably, it's more of like this: I'm not flower-hearted, but I have a big heart to give. And I give a lot of myself to other people. But none of them is the one that I am searching for.

I've long thought about how it would be, or put more appropriately, the match percentage, between me and every girl I know (or almost every). Somehow, most of them fit into the friends or best friends category. What makes it skip from being merely a friend into more than just friends?

Sometimes, I think that there is no real difference at all. It's just a matter of words. And labels. But sometimes, even if it is just a label, it would be nice to have it anyway.

Hahahaha. I wonder what will happen if I exclaim that I'm tired being single, and am actively accepting applications for my significant other.

The first thing that comes to me is pure chaos.

The second thing would be that people would forget about it in an hour's time.

Perhaps it is just that.

I am simply too easy to forget.

Somebody who you will think of in times of need, but not a single thought will pop up when nothing is wrong.

Anyway. Enough of self-pity. Time to sleep. Tomorrow will be a busy and fulfilling day.

Being a Comedian

2010-08-28T22:52:00.003+08:00

I am but a mere human mortal flesh and all But if that is all you ask is someone to stay by you Be it dark chasms of doom or flames of suffering I will be there through thick and thin because you are a friend

I wrote the above yesterday night, after realising how useless I am as a friend. Honestly, sometimes I wonder if I am a good friend at all. I highly doubt it.

Perhaps that is the sole reason why I have not found a circle to join in.

Sometimes being an external observer, you get to see things from a different perspective. Sometimes I feel like I have enough to be both in and out of a certain circle, to the point that I wish I would (and could) make up my mind which side of the fence I would rather stay in.

But the problem is, I haven't found a reason to stay in one.

You see, groups and circles of friends are rife with inside jokes, and that sometimes can turn other people off. Perhaps it could be said that the point of an inside joke is to turn other people off. But I don't like that.

What is a circle without boundaries?

What is a group without a differentiator?

We live in a world of dualities, where there is always white against black, good against evil, up against down, one against the negative (or the complement, whichever way you want to look at it) of one.

But zero is. Zero has no against. Being zero, is like one against the world. Because you could argue that the opposite of zero, is any number that has a value. You against the world.

Anyway.

The dichotomy is clear. But why is there such a thing?

It's understandable that without evil, we wouldn't be able to appreciate good. Without darkness, light would envelop reality, and our visual will cease to be what it is.

So here's my dilemma.

I haven't found a single circle where: one, I feel totally opposed against the other side, two, I feel a sense of belonging to, and, three... well I don't have any number three right now.

So I've drawn my own circle, the party of one. The sole comedian who eases in and out of every other circle like his own, and leaves no trace of ever being there.

And this comedian longs to seek a place called home, with sounds of laughter and joy that is not his alone.

There have been several times when I thought I have found home, but I guess I just found somebody else's home instead. Maybe I've built homes for other people to stay in, but somehow they just never seemed to fit me.

Like I said, there is a positive side to things. I get to see all the problems from a reasonably objective view. But sometimes, I long to feel something called anger. Not just blind anger for myself, but anger for somebody else. Or something else. Anger for a cause.

This year, I have retired into my reclusive lifestyle, although I still meet up with other people once in a while. It's actually quite relaxing in a way, as you don't have any pressures, or any commitments to other people. But I do miss society. And communication.

You know, I realised today that sometimes I still think of her fondly, even though it has been way too long for me to remember. I still remember how crappy I felt about myself, and how close I was to just wishing I could end it all there and then. And yet, I cannot stop myself.

Perhaps it was because I never had a chance for a clean break. But do you really need a clean break to start anew?

Okay, I'm just rambling now, killing some time before I go to sleep. It's been a busy day.

You know, despite it all, I think solitude is nice, even though sometimes the echoes of loneliness is deafening.

I've finally come square one. From solitude to solitude. Maybe this time I'll find out what I'm supposed to be doing here.

Whatever Happened Has Happened, I Guess

2010-08-13T14:53:00.002+08:00

光良 - 女孩別哭

So anyway, yet another very busy week. I'm very tired of a lot of things, and I wonder sometimes if I need to get away.

Silence sometimes is very hard to find. Even when the world around you is silent, the world within you might be full of noise, and distractions. And somehow, today I find myself needing some silence.

It has been something like three months or so since I said I'm going to stop. But when it comes down to it, I don't even know what I am feeling anymore. A mess inside me, chaos to infinity. And the worst part about it is that I have no idea what to do about it.

I've already made most of my life pretty clear, and simple, and I'm already beginning to reject things that come my way. But there's this one part of me, that I can't settle myself. And yet, nobody seems to be able to settle it for me either. That leaves me completely speechless. And with no time to spare, I'm hurling myself into a ton of work, to distract myself from such things. Because I know, I'll figure them out somehow. But today is not the day.

Anyway, I guess something struck me, because this song, this irritating song, suddenly popped up in my head, and doesn't stop playing. Skipping the one-sided love lyrics that are more than plenty in the song, I feel like crying when I hear this song. Maybe it's just an emotional overload on my part. I'm tired. And I need rest. And the world is spinning so quickly, I don't really have a moment to breathe. And so life goes on.

Was she the right one? I guess I'll never find out now.

A Façade (Or How The Truth Is Never The Whole Truth)

2010-08-09T01:57:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, when you think that things are a certain way, it never always is. There usually is a truth behind that half-truth. And that is where things become tricky.

These hidden truths are not easily realised, but the moment that you realise them, it becomes really annoying.

As it stands, this year's orientation was a success. But we have to add a very big qualifier to it: from the perspective of someone on the brink. When you're somewhat in the middle of things, you get to see everything from a very chaotic view.

(Note: If anything, this can be considered the next post I meant two entries ago.)

I learnt from young, to always have a plan. And much later, I learnt that when you're the person in charge of that plan, you need to be responsible and stop playing so much. That's why last year, despite all the fun I could have joined in, I spent most of my time doing what I was responsible for. (But it all failed cause I wasn't daring enough to take the final say. It sucks to have to report to somebody else.)

This year, plagued with non-commitment as it already is, is filled with people who just want to have fun. With the combo of uncommitment and fun-loving people, who happen to be just exactly the same people, you get a disaster. And so we have everything planned at the very last moment, and basically, it's so messy I don't even know where to begin.

So therein lies the problem with planning: the utter lack of it. I don't know where to begin when I say there is a problem, because there are so many problems, and everybody refuses to face them.

Then next thing.

I am both blessed and cursed with an enthusiastic group of friends.

The best part about them is that they are very happening. The worst part about them is that they are opinionated. And not open to discussion. I can understand sometimes, but others, it's just plain annoying. Sometimes I sympathise with their situation, but sometimes, it makes me wonder where they put their priorities.

Perhaps it is just me, who has a big problem of making friends that have annoying traits. Or am I that unlucky to have met the scariest people? It's like I can't even begin to fathom why I happen to meet with people like that.

Maybe it's just me beginning to tire of the world's antics. Because honestly, they are getting a little on my nerves already. Or maybe it's just the world's antics becoming worse each passing day.

Anyway. I have decided to retire to my shell again.

I have learnt not to keep believing that idiots will become smarter. Because idiots will be idiots. Until they prove themselves otherwise. I will still continue giving them chances to prove that they are not mere idiots, but I won't trust them with large responsibilities. It's high time I stopped believing in miracles.

Sometimes doing everything by yourself is good. Obviously at other times you need a team of people. But most importantly you must have a plan. Without a plan, even the greatest team will fail, because nobody knows exactly what is happening.

With a plan and no team, you will need a lot of time. With a plan and a crappy team, you will need less time, but because you might need to micro-manage them, the amount of time is still pretty large.

With a plan and a team that you can trust, there is something called synergy, where people just do everything well. Everything just falls into place, and life becomes the best thing that ever happens.

To me, a couple relationship should be like that. A tag team that is more than just a sum of its parts. (Okay I'm side-tracking here, but still, the fact stands.)

It appears to me that I have trusted way too many people without good reason. But then again, looking back, I don't think I would have done otherwise.

To trust others is an important thing, but I think I've finally learnt my lesson in trusting others without sufficient reason. It appears to me that most people are skeptical, that is to say that they don't trust enough, while I'm a little too lenient.

Skepticism is good sometimes, I guess.

So I guess I've run out of steam. I'm a little tired of complaining and ranting actually. I don't even know why I do that anymore. But it's still true that if there's something on your mind, it's better to get it out into the open. I'm sorry about your incompetence, but if you're that incompetent, I believe you should do something about it.

Sigh. Okay. Time to sleep.

A Continuation?

2010-08-08T04:05:00.002+08:00

Well, I said I was going to continue ranting that night. I guess I was just too busy with things.

Anyway, today was the finale for vacation. We had the usual things (this time I was involved with dance, no more video fiasco like last year), and it was a big hit. I was kinda surprised with the amount of enthusiasm that they gave. Almost everybody volunteered for planning the next year's events.

ANYWAY.

This post is not about that. This post is about something else.

After the finale, we basically had a sharing session. The usual one where I exercise my gossip prowess and dig stuff.

This is also not about the gossip part. The part was when one of the others asked me about people whom I think like me. For starters, I'm not exactly the most impressionable guy. I do make an impression, just not the impression that would make people like me.

So, well, I answered a half-truth I guess, it was something that was on my mind as something like she thinks of me as a good friend perhaps, but nothing too far. But I gave her name anyway. So it becomes weird.

It got me thinking.

One and a half years ago. I can safely say I was pretty much certain of the fact that she didn't like me at all. Not that way anyway. But I kept on.

And then I just wondered why. Why I kept on. Those one-sided euphoric moments. Why?

Why did I continue to subject myself to an inevitable slump? Was it that good of an euphoria?

Sometimes I wonder, what goes through my mind.

It's kinda interesting to wonder about it, especially now that it's almost completely over. Then again, is it?

Can something be really completely over? Just like that?

Haha. Life is funny.

And I shall stop here.

On My Head

2010-08-04T18:11:00.002+08:00

Okay, it's really been ages since I wrote anything. I actually started a post last week, but I didn't get around to finish it. I guess today would be an appropriate day to write something, seeing as I'm so free and all.

First things first. A summary of what has happened to me since. Life has been pretty sweet to me. And meeting new people is a joy. I've done a lot of stuff, regretted several things, and have been in a very sad mood for some time. That's about it. Oh, and I'm super busy.

Okay. So now to the things that have been making me happy.

I think I've told you about this junior that I just met a while ago, sometime in June. Well, she has been a nice person to rant to, and that's partly why I stopped ranting here so much. Even so, there are still things that I don't really want to tell her directly, cause well, I'm still getting used to this pouring out stuff to other people. (And not just the things that I don't care about, cause well, I pour that out a lot already.)

You know how the Chinese have this saying that wealth doesn't last in a family for more than three generations? Well, there's a very good reason why they put it that way. The first generation, will earn the wealth through hard work. The second, will slack and just stick to what the first generation did, not re-inventing themselves to keep with the times. So the income starts to dwindle. The third one, having the second generation as their parents and teachers, basically learns nothing from them, and probably will just start to suffer as a result of a lack of wealth. Then comes the fourth. With an earnest and hard-working generation before them, and having sown the seeds early enough, they become the new generation to bring wealth back into the family.

However much I want to say this isn't happening, it seems like it is. I actually had a slight feeling it would be like this last time, since there was already three before us. But I hadn't experienced them yet. So I can't say how well it applied.

But this year, after experiencing one year, planning the next, and leading this year, I think it can be true.

My first year, when I experienced the orientation, I could see that the seniors were trying their hardest. But the crowd, well, it just didn't live up to the hype they were trying to build. I was one of them. There's this thing people say about AIESEC. It's that the slackest people in there always seem to be the leading voices who want to run for committee. It's like they have a vision, a change they want to see in the society that they are in. And having done nothing at all, they want to make it so that nobody else gets that. Maybe that's what happened.

The second year, there was enthusiasm. Everybody just had the flame to make it big. And they all just wanted to make it so big, that it would light everybody up. And I think I can say that, despite me, it was a success.

This year, I think that everybody just got too complacent. "If we follow the recipe from last year, it will definitely turn out well!" was what they all thought. Well, for people who are trying to learn something from this, nothing works like a recipe in real life. Things change, people change, stuff happen, and you have to add it all into the mix. But when you have idiots (I'm sorry for calling them idiots, but when I get a little over-emotional, I tend to do that) running the show, that's what you get. Everybody thought that sticking to last year's plan was definitely going to work. I didn't see a lot of changes. In fact, I can vouch for the fact that absolutely zero planning was done. (They did plan, but I think the effective planning time was like five minutes where they just agreed on doing whatever that was done last year.)

Pattern forming? I have a bias towards the three generation pattern right there. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't. I don't know. All I can say is that I don't think they learnt a single thing from our mistakes. They made the exact same ones, and then some more.

I'm not unhappy. Well, I am, but it's not the core of my feelings now. It's more that I'm disappointed than anything. I'm disappointed, and yet, it seems like I'm the isolated person feeling distinctively disappointed. Everybody else just doesn't care. Well, that's not exactly true either.

Lesson number one was don't get cocky. And definitely don't get complacent. Even when you're at the top of the hill, if you think you're going to stay that way, you can kiss your throne goodbye.

You know, there was this thing plaguing the whole orientation. From the beginning. Or more like even before the beginning. You could clearly see it in their faces. It was clear that none of them was about to commit to this. And yet, when you have super seniors wanting for the tradition to continue, you get crap.

Believe me when I say that I suggested to not even do this orientation. Everybody was unwilling to participate. The first face I saw after that was a reluctant face on the super senior. And then he ignored my suggestion. That was the moment I felt sad and disappointed all over.

If that was just all there was to say about this issue, I would be so happy. But it wasn't. And that's what's most saddening about it all.

Basically now, I'm stuck with the biggest bunch of uncommitted fools who keep wanting me to do next to nothing. I would really like to do that too. But my conscience isn't allowing me to do that.

A lesson to be learnt from this: kick anybody that's uncommitted, or get out yourself. If you allow yourself work with them, you're either going to be taking the lion's share of work, or becoming one of them. And both of them are not good options.

Sometimes, it's not about just leaving some things to impromptu decisions. This non-commitment sometimes manifests itself as "oh well, we'll just go with the flow". But the problem with that is, first, we need to have an idea of what kind of flow we're looking for.

I know that sometimes you just have to believe that things will turn out right. That means working without any sufficient proof of it being so. That's why we have contingency plans. But this belief, must have adequate support for it. It's not like if I think the sky will fall down, and believe that it will, that it will most likely fall down from above.

I hate this feeling of disappointment. And I hate that I can't do anything about it even more.

There is this general opinion about me that I can feel amongst everybody I know. Seniors my batch, and the juniors one year younger. Seniors think I'm incapable of anything, and juniors totally don't respect me as a senior. Nothing I say has any weight to them. They treat me like the village fool, and well, sometimes I do act crazy. Most of the time, I have something to bring to the table. I used to just stay silent, because I thought it would be better that way. Now, having said so many things, and seeing everything get shot down because everybody thinks another way, I don't really even feel like staying on.

In fact, sometimes I don't even know why I stay on.

I completely understand that sometimes I skip certain arguments which I consider obvious. But it seems that you can never defeat groupthink. It's not about how persuasive your arguments are. It's about how many people think the same way.

It's a lost cause, fighting this horde. So I'm going to give up.

The orientation has left me bitter about a lot of things, again. But at least, I know that I can talk to some people about it.

Okay. This is exhausting. I'm going to just stop here, although I've got tons more to say. I'll try to write something later tonight. Till then, bye for now.

Limits

2010-07-20T11:40:00.002+08:00

菅原紗由理 - 素直になれなくて

Well... It's been more than a week since I wrote anything in here.

Orientation has always been a bittersweet experience for me, reliving the past, and meeting new people, pushing my limits and learning when to stop.

Being somewhat an introvert, nine days of endless talking is killing me. Being responsible for a group of people is tiring. But somewhat, I'm proud of it.

This year, my idea wasn't to make good friends. I guess I have some left over from before. But! This year, I wanted to make a group that could stand on its own. A group that wouldn't die after orientation, but will stay on and perhaps be like last year's group in a way.

Did I succeed? Only time will tell. Somehow I regret a million things I did during orientation, but somehow or rather, I think that given my situation, and my way of thinking, it would have happened exactly the same way anyway.

Whatever that happens, is the right thing to happen.

Perhaps it is a good thing that they will go on to be best friends without me. But somehow, I wish I was in that circle as well. Although, me being me, I've got a lot to do before I can make it into a social life. I was tired by the fourth or fifth day, and with my voice giving out on me, I couldn't be the clown I always was.

But then again, I really don't know. It's tiring to have to think. I'm getting mixed signals everywhere, to the point that I drowning. All I can do is just continue being nice. Niceness is something I can roll with any time of the day, I guess.

Life has its ways of driving you crazy.

This time, it's the amount of busy work I have to deal with, in addition to the orientation. Sometimes it's killing me.

I guess it's a good way to busy myself. Making life packed. But as we all know, this kind of busy is not the busy we all want. So it sucks. But I guess you just have to carry on with life, and do it the best you can.

The art of being kind is a fine line. And I don't think I'll be able to walk that fine line any longer. It's hard. Too hard, in fact.

You know, through this orientation, it makes me feel that I have a lot of nonsense to bear. My emotional luggage, is freaking huge. I can see myself closing everybody else out. And yet do nothing about it. Sigh.

Anyway, final line. Lunch is upon us! I'm hungry.

I'm tired of being me. Perhaps I'll hide in my room for a few days.

Friendship

2010-07-12T00:20:00.003+08:00

Short post today. I just had this thought in my head earlier. We all have lots of friends. And sometimes we have different definitions of friendship. But somehow, when we compare them, it is still exactly the same thing.

Well, my new definition of friendship is the ability to buy them a birthday gift that is personal. It's not like you can simply buy something generic, or what, and treat it as a birthday gift. It's that moment when you know what kind of thing they would like to have, or go the extra distance to make something special for them. Perhaps that's what friendship is.

Although, after writing all that, I'm beginning to doubt it. Maybe it's just one of many definitions of friendship. Maybe that's just what I'm looking for. I guess.

But...

2010-07-09T02:49:00.002+08:00

I guess it's time for some updates! Life has been good to me so far, giving me task after task, never stopping to give me some time to breathe. It seems that the only time that I can breathe will be after UFO5 ends. (As I write this, I believe I am hallucinating a little bit.)

So, we had several days of trial runs. And most of them turned out to be epic wastes of time. That is, with respect to the trial run. Apart from that, it was a smashing success of spending time bonding with each other. I guess I try to find some time in between for myself. Being social all day long is not my cup of tea.

Anyway, I had two sessions of what people term HTHT, but I'd rather call it "coming out", because all the secrets just keep pouring out. Although it's good for bonding, it does seem a little scary if you've only known them for a short period of time.

That said, I guess I'll need to be super-curious from here on out. It's time to be on full alert.

But we're moving away from the point here.

After re-telling my 'sob' stories once again, sometimes I wonder how bad I crashed last time. I remember all the facts, that it did actually happen that way, but I don't really feel it any more. I'm kinda emotionally distant from my memories that way.

It always comes to this point, where people take for granted that you are who you were before. And I myself am also guilty of doing exactly that.

Fact is, we keep changing every day. And I think I've come a long way since Sixth Form. I think there was one point in time, sometime around National Service, when I finally understood what loneliness meant. And it awakened a slumbering beast. And for the past few years, I've been fighting that beast head-on.

Perhaps, it can be said that loneliness is the reason that we seek company. It is the reason we communicate, and form bonds. And, somehow, there was one point in my life, when I had it repressed so deep, I never really found a need to find company. I guess even now, it's still biting me in the ass pretty badly.

In a sense, I never had a social life until I was in National Service. I had acquaintances, but I never had anything more. Its growth was stunted. So when it started growing from infancy, I did a lot of things that I wouldn't have done today. But it is exactly those mistakes that taught me everything I now know, and it is exactly those mistakes that make me who I am today.

Now, I guess I'm still learning, and growing. But I've formed pretty strong opinions. I've sought, and I've found many things. I've realised a lot. And today, I think if you came to me wanting to know how I feel about certain people, I think I'd give you a darn good answer.

So yeah. I've been thinking. Honestly speaking, "How I Met Your Mother" is pretty awesome in that I've learnt a lot from it. It's entertaining, yet it has some deeper meaning if you look at it. It's like lessons of life, from a not-really-old old person.

There was one episode not long ago, where they talked about baggage. And the deal-breakers. Where people go "he's a great guy, but..." and then finish that sentence with the most unbearable of things.

I'm actually kinda curious as to what people see as the deal-breaker in me. I can see only so many things, and the rest, I guess I'll have to wait for people to tell me. And they will only do that at one point in time, when they trust me enough.

I think I'm actually going to ask people that. I'm quite curious to find out what they have in store for me. Will it be astonishing? Somehow I think they'd be something I know about, just not in the certain light that they are looking from.

Anyway. Sleep time. Good night.

A Fresh, Yet Tarnished Start

2010-07-05T03:34:00.003+08:00

I've been intending to write something for a few days now. But I guess today was the day, seeing as how I downed a frappuccino close to midnight. I was supposed to do work, but I ended up chatting. Anyway, this is not that story.

As it turns out, there are a lot of things in life that come unexpectedly. A career change, a brilliant idea, the love of your life, a temporary setback, whatever. It comes knocking when you least expect it to. And somehow, I think it knocked a little too hard this time.

Let's start with the less sappy stuff first. (Because the sappy stuff are always on my mind, unfortunately.)

This link lists the most plausible reasons for intelligent people to fail. And I find that I'm guilty on almost every count, especially the one where it says "lack of motivation". I am not motivated by myself before, but I think I am now. Unfortunately, loneliness has been killing me softly, so I'm not very sure how well that's working out.

On the account of loneliness, it seems that I'm getting addicted to company, but yet, I am uncomfortable with it. It seems weird, but I keep feeling like I don't belong. There's no clique that I belong to, no group to call my own. A wanderer is only so effective, until he finds the need to have a place called home.

But home is not something you can easily find. Home is a moving target.

I'm not sure where I'm heading with this, so I'll just jump right in.

Like I said earlier, life comes knocking with the things you weren't looking for all the time. As "How I Met Your Mother" put it, you can never find frozen waffles when you're looking for them.

So much for giving up trying to find the one, I actually kinda decided to curse romance and love into oblivion. But just as I attempt to do it, somebody so perfect just pops into your awareness unknowingly, and gives you the biggest punch of all. And that cupid punch is not some small joke. And the more I get to know her, the worse it becomes.

Somehow, I am convinced this is it. Yet, somehow, I am also as convinced that I'm just seeing things where there is none again, like the string of one-sided romances of the days gone by.

You know, I'm starting to believe that there is no way in hell that a boy and a girl can be just friends. Just friends is like a label saying "we're just browsing through" and at some point in time, somebody will make a move, and that move might just destroy the whole foundation of what was a good friendship to begin with.

So where does that leave me? Well, it leaves me with a very narrow pathway to what people term as "victory". It feels as if I'm in some sort of visual novel, with multiple endings and whatnot, and there's only one way through to get one exact girl. (Obviously you can end up with somebody else, but that's not the point.) So is it time to do in-depth?

XKCD recently had a joke on this actually, about depth-first search and breadth-first search. It occurs to me that at some point in time, you will have to switch from breadth to depth. But is this that time? Or should I spend more time looking?

The Fray sang this in a song, "All at Once", where you keep having this "searching for other people" turned on, trying to reach perfection, when perfection has always been there in front of you. Obviously it isn't the right thing to do, but then, what is?

At what point in time can you positively say that one should switch from breadth to depth?

Okay. Enough geek here.

I think that I have come to a point in time where flirting is harmless fun, as it always has been, but I'm craving for something more. And that more seems unattainable, simply because I keep looking for perfection. It bothers me that I cannot focus.

What bothers me more is that I am actually now afraid of focusing. After that string of unfortunate events, I think I will actually break down if it fails again. And the way I see it, it will fail. But I can't help getting myself into trouble. I can't help trying to get into trouble, because I'm exactly the person that will throw myself into that pit.

I feel that the whole problem lies with me not having a guy confidant. The moment I confide with one of my good girl friends, that is the moment I've drawn the line. The line that says that "that's all we are: just friends". And yet, if I am to actually focus, that is exactly what I need to do. Draw the line. And ask them for help. Cause who else do you go to for the pathway to a girl's heart except to another girl? It might not apply all the time, but heck, if I know them as well as I think I do, nobody knows better than a girl when it comes to girls.

A decision. And a mistake. I've made plenty of mistakes thus far. But I don't think I have ever made a right choice ever.

And that, is simply the reason why I'm sitting here writing this, instead of having sweet dreams at night.

The day I trust again, is probably going to be the day I start loving again. And somehow, I don't see that day drawing close at all. Until then, I guess this is goodbye.

A fresh start, a new beginning, an end to all that's come before. Today, is the day I become a new man, a new persona, and yet, somehow, still old inside. Perhaps this is the pupa stage. To undergo a metamorphosis. But I hope the metamorphosis comes quick. For I really need to move on with life. A new volume needs to begin. Not a chapter, not a section, not a page. But a volume. I've been 21 for six months now. An adult by most laws. I need to start acting like one.

Honesty

2010-06-26T16:15:00.002+08:00

梁靜茹 - 無條件為你

I guess it's been a long time since I wrote anything here. Well, this entry is actually long overdue. I had inspiration for this post for some time already, but I never got about to writing it.

You see, there was always something bugging me, be it friends, work (or the lack of it), or even plain tiredness. I figured I'd write it at night, but I was usually caught up doing other things that I just set it aside.

The last time I wrote was when I just got back to Singapore. And that's like ancient history to me now.

Okay. Before I start with the main points of the post, some updates.

After coming back, I basically stayed in my room for the most part, and watched How I Met Your Mother, Katanagatari, and exercised (a lot, in comparison to the lack of it previously). That's about it. Oh and I finally got about to coding the website, although it's for the choir and not me. It just went live right before I started this, and you can find it here. In all honesty, I actually really like this design a lot. Clean and elegant, and yet catchy. I think there'll be a lot of people who will hate it as well, but let's just see how it pans out for now.

Oh, and UFO5 is just around the corner, but the older seniors (those from my year, including myself) are a little worried about the lack of progress. Granted, they want to do it all in a burst of one week, but there are still some things that need to be done beforehand. So, in any case, I'm not one of the committee, and I have decided long ago to trust them, and instead just play my role as an orientation group leader, and rise to the occasion later on. In other words, I'm staying still.

That's about it for updates. Now for rants.

The first one, is about honesty.

You know, I've never made many friends. So I can't really claim this to be true. However, it irks me to notice that it is really very hard for me to be honest with other people. And the funny thing is that I can tell anybody anything about myself. Except for this. It's called feelings. In fact, I think I screwed up again yesterday, when I told somebody something I shouldn't have.

Honesty, is something really nice to have. Watching Sunao ni Narenakute, and then How I Met Your Mother, makes me wish I had people I could be honest with. And people that can be honest with me.

Maybe I'm just picky.

But shouldn't I be able to pick friends whom I confide to with confidence? Isn't that where the word confidence comes from anyway? Trusting somebody to not betray your trust in such a way that would cause you harm. Trusting that they will do what they believe is right with it.

But I can do that already. In fact, I trust plenty of people that way.

However, I can't trust anybody with my feelings. Up till now, I've never met a single soul that can talk to me about my feelings, and not make me feel like I'm some alien. I guess it's partly because I talk to these people online. And feelings is one thing I do not feel comfortable to have communicated online. Because you don't know what they can do with it. And this is one thing you really need to let people you can trust with your whole heart know. And nobody else.

And on that subject, time and again, I keep making friends who are so stubborn, I can't ever and will never change their opinions. They will not budge. And it's getting tiring. Because this unwillingness of theirs make me really tired. I'm tired of listening to other people talk about their lives. It's one thing to be asked about it, it's another to keep going back to the same topic, and killing me.

But it seems that that's all everybody I seem to know knows. They don't know anything else, and it sucks. It sucks. A lot. It sucks so much, it's like a gigantic black hole.

And there's nothing I can do about it. I've made a toxic friend, and there's nothing I can do.

I just wonder sometimes, when will I ever make friends that won't do that to me? I've come to understand what interdependence is about, actually. In the simplest analogy, dependence is like a complete listener who just listens, and a talker who just talks. Independence, on the other hand, is like two people who don't talk at all. Or two people that just talk, and nobody listens. Now interdependence, is the middle point of these two extremes, the sweet spot, so to say. Two people take turns talking and asking questions, and it turns out that this is what people actually call a conversation.

Anyway. I guess it's just really hard to find people that you can truly be honest with. Even though it's just fiction, I really envy those guys in How I Met Your Mother. It might not be a healthy relationship even, but hey, at least they can talk and laugh about it. (Then again, it's technically a in-hindsight story, so it might not have happened so nicely as memory serves.)

Yesterday, I watched the episode where Stella talked to Ted about the other guy. I liked her joke a lot. And it kinda made me weep a little. You see, we keep asking (well okay, I keep asking) and wondering where the right one is, and when she will appear in my life when I guess, she's getting here as fast as she can. And it might be another decade or two before I meet her. And it is all worth it? Well, I'd think that the moment she appears in my life, and I know that she's the one, every moment after that is going to be so awesome I'll forget whatever pain you went through before.

But I have to bear with it while she's still getting here.

You know, I think hopeless romantics are almost extinct, and I am one of the last few survivors. While Ted Mosby might be on television, how many of the people who watch it do you think are hopeless romantics?

Then again, I wish life would speed up and jump to the point where I finally meet her. But who's to say that it's really her?

Sigh.

I guess that's about it for today.

A Mask/The Future

2010-06-18T02:10:00.002+08:00

So I've overshot my sleeping time. So now when I lie on the bed, I would think about lots of things. One of them being the future, because I just started watching "How I Met Your Mother" (awesome show by the way), which makes me think about how exactly my story would be like. Then again, it could totally be impossible, that being no wife, no children, so no story to tell. But that's the second story for today.

The first, is what I'd like to call a mask.

You see, I sometimes wonder if a certain way I act, is truly myself. Remember the sponge I was talking about a long time ago? I don't doubt that I'm not one. But sometimes, it feels like I am a different person with each person I talk to. They call it a dyad, so I guess it has some uniqueness to it, but why the disparity? Why so much difference?

And at the end of the day, does any of it truly belong to yourself? Does any part of the acts that you do define you?

So anyway. I realise that talking to her a lot, has made me, in many ways, like her. (Note, similarity wise, not affection.) In fact, it's spilling over to my other conversations. Sometimes it's a little weird. I can't help but just type or say things in a certain way.

Still. On the whole, I talk differently to different people. I say different things. With different tones. And different contexts. Which is entirely according to the book. But still, isn't identity part of this all?

Okay. Actually, after rationalising it out here, I do realise that it's all normal. It's not that we are contradictory or something. It's just because of the dynamics of each dyad pair.

I was kinda hoping to explain my near-euphoria when I am in the midst of too many people, but I guess not.

Still a question though. What happens in a crowd? Is it that if all but one are strangers, and you act in a certain way, then you'll continue acting that way with the others as well? Let's leave this hanging. And go on to the next.

The future.

Sometimes I wonder who I am going to meet in the future that will somehow be the one for me.

And then I wonder if I have actually missed the one in the past. And she, well, she is one of them.

There are two people that I'm talking about here. One is because she gave me a lot of happy things to remember. As I turned on the bus, I thought about those happy times. And how I knew she didn't feel the same way, and yet be deluded by love. It was funny, for sure. But it's more heart-breaking. Granted, I don't remember any of the traumatic followings. It's there somewhere. But I just remember that I moped and cried a lot. But still. Somewhere in there, I wonder if she was right for me.

Then there's her. Well, I don't even quite understand it myself. I've already decided to let it go, but somehow, I want to get closer. I don't think of it everyday, but once in a while, it'll pop up again. And perhaps, my leaving Penang has got partly to do with that as well. You see, I had opportunity there. Here, I'm just stuck. As the bus pushed out from the terminal, we passed her place, I think, and the only thought I had was "okay, it's time to say goodbye." Yet here I am, probably worse off than previously. What happened?

Oh well. It looks like my head has run out of steam. But I do think about her. Quite a bit too.

And it's funny how I don't want it to end like the other girl. The complete lack of communication is disheartening. Even near zero communication isn't nice.

Perhaps the new semester will be a new opportunity. Or it will be the time when I finally realise that it's time to focus on the more important stuff.

But what is important without somebody you can share it with?

Hmm

2010-06-13T22:14:00.002+08:00

I've got nothing much to say. However, I felt like writing something all the same.

Point number one. I haven't gotten much done. It feels like I betrayed myself, yet I don't really care about that. It kinda shows how hedonistic I am. How into the present moment I have gotten. But then again, thinking back, I have always been this way. I barely planned for the future. And I think I should plan more.

But, is planning all that good? There was this chess game that some prodigy grandmaster played, and it won some creative prize award at the tournament. But apparently, the guy claims to only have calculated two moves ahead. That means he didn't plan very far. And yet he won, and with style.

Then in Lie to Me, Lightman talked to this psychopath, and here was how it went. "You know, good chessplayers think five moves ahead," says the psychopath. Lightman replies in a very interesting way: "Great chess players think one move ahead. But that move is always the right one."

Now. I'm not claiming to be some amazing person who knows what the right move is. But is planning too far into the future even practical?

Perhaps there should be some idea of where you're heading. A purpose, if you may. But it seems that discipline comes from planning. And I doubt I have a lot of discipline.

Or maybe I've already seen the end, so I'm just skipping some moves just to get there.

Anyway. Point made. Moving on.

I got another book yesterday. It seems to me, that the good books have all been read, and remaining good ones, if any, are hard to find. I've been reading Catch-22. But it doesn't suck me in. It has a hell of a story, that I can vouch for, but, the exposition is a little lacking. It's my new book too, so I'm just trying to get through it. On the other hand, For One More Day (the new book I got) reads so fluently, and the fact that it's so short, got me to finish it in three hours tops. It was split between several computer sessions, but I read it all quickly. Very quickly. I thought it would be more touching, although it sure is touching. Well, I was hoping for Morrie's level. But it never got there.

Anything else... Oh. I'm beginning to formally study design. And I'm going back to Singapore soon just for that. Several books in the library that are totally worth reading.

What else... I have no idea.

Hmm. It actually feels a lot more comfortable without a burden. It just feels easier. Just think about myself. And nudge a few people to talk when they're online and stuff. I do think it's time I withdrawn from the world and rest for a while. It's definitely a lot of fun, but I need to rest for a while.

I guess that's all for updates. My life is not boring, just rather uneventful at the moment. I suppose it's always been like that. Until I get some discipline, that is.

Some Ruminations

2010-06-10T01:34:00.002+08:00

I had a very enjoyable day today. For the most part. Went out shopping and bought a pair of jeans. And then came back and finished "The Seven Sins of Chess", which was as much about philosophy and thinking as it was about chess. Then I had some interesting conversations, and a lot things to thing about. Oh and a few TED talks too.

But I can't get myself to lie down and sleep because of one thing. I verbalised a lot of life's lessons today. And somehow, I wish that the world would learn of them as well. But what matters isn't the lesson, so much as the idea behind it.

For starters, shopping. Shopping for anything is good. It shows that you discern and compare. But only to a certain extent. Because after a certain amount of comparison, you have to realise that at the end of the day, you only return home with what you bought. When you use whatever you bought after a lot of comparison, you don't enjoy the usage because it was better than the other things at the store. You enjoy it because it is useful and a worthy purchase of good quality, etc. among other things.

Which brings me to another point. What is most useful to you right now, is what you have. This, applies especially to cameras, and, for me, tablets too. You see, I used to want the latest and greatest tablet. The Intuos 3 at the time, now the Intuos 4. I still salivate over the thought of having one. But, I do have a tablet already. And it's sorely lacking in usage. I barely use it as often as I'd like. Same thing with my camera. I talk of good photography and whatever dreams that I could make come true with a DSLR. And whatever else. Televisions. Computers. The list goes on. But if I can't even produce the best utility out of what I have right now, what says that with something better, that I can do the equipment justice? I've stopped buying a lot of stuff with that idea alone. What I don't have can do amazing things. It has plenty of amazing features. But I can't do anything with those features exactly because I don't have them. So I shall do the best with what I have, and then graduate to better stuff.

So that's about all I have for today. Truths. I'm going to start a new tag with that.

But I still have more to say. Not so much truths per se, but things that I've experienced.

I realise that goodbyes are very hard to do. It's very hard to part with something. But sometimes, it is just necessary. I remember that this interesting insight came from a semi-dream-state. I was thinking of something that I had to part with recently, and it struck me like that. However! I don't remember what that thing is.

Next is an interesting bit about Tanzan. The story goes like this: Tanzan and another monk were going somewhere in heavy rain. They meet a damsel in distress, and Tanzan carries her to her safety. Back at the temple the other monk couldn't resist but to scold Tanzan about carrying the pretty girl. Tanzan counters the reprimand by asking the other monk if he is still carrying her.

This can be seen two-fold. One is about lust, because the other monk probably submitted to lustful thoughts. Which is why he could not bring about himself to do the same. It is like a state of denial that the emotion exists, which is why he could not do it. But, isn't it more correct to do what is right, instead of being afraid of submitting to those exact thoughts that he submitted to through his denial?

The other is about ghosts. We all have ghosts haunting us from the past. Some more apparent, others not so. The problem is with the apparent ones. Because they prevent us from doing what is right, sometimes. Emotional baggage from the past isn't good, because it frames our mind for the future. And just for completion's sake, I got the Tanzan anecdote from the chess book.

Now, I shall begin a rant. Actually, it's not so much of a rant than it is a realisation that sometimes, people don't do what you want them to. Even if you have the world's best reasons, these ghosts of their past prevents them from doing what's right. And I completely understand the ghosts part of the deal. What I can only hope for is that they realise it themselves, and let go of it. So that what's best can be done. And I'm saying what's best in the sense that it's good for themselves, from my point of view. Obviously, in their current state of mind, they'd disagree with me.

So all I can do now, is what? Should I help them in their quest to achieve their misguided goals?

Stubbornness is a very funny state of mind. It is beneficial sometimes, but I think that for the most part, you are doomed for failure. Humans are stubborn, always. There is always something we are stubborn about. Even if that stubbornness is of the claim that "I am not stubborn" alone.

But first, what do I call stubborn?

You could be open to alternatives. Stubborn people can take alternatives. They can listen for hours on end, and sometimes, they even know what the good things and bad things about those alternatives are. The pros and cons of each decision. But the weird part about stubborn people is that they will never change their minds about something that they've decided. No matter how wrong they can be. No matter how much better the alternatives are. They do every single thing, except to consider the alternative to be an alternate reality and imagine from there.

No, I'm not saying that you have to change your mind to be called not stubborn. Far from it. I'm saying that you let the reality of the other choice set in, imagine its outcomes in a realistic way, and then decide. And you do not let your ghosts paralyse you from a proper decision. Then perhaps, if your decision turns out to be the best one yet, then you can explain your reasons, not by defending your decision, but by attack the other alternatives.

Still, what I find most distasteful about the reasons that people use to attack the other solutions are personal "facts". Things like "I just don't do that kind of stuff" and "It's not like me" among others leave me with a want to send a sharp rebuke of "Get over yourself already" to them. It's rude, it's in the face, but it's true.

I feel that such limitations would prevent me from experiencing life completely. Although I do have some of them still, I'm trying to remove them one by one. What do you mean by "it's just not my style"? Have you even tried not-your-style? The fact remains that making a choice without knowing the other side of the wall is totally idiotic. I still do this with food though. But I'm gradually becoming open to more and more kinds. I find eating a lot more enjoyable too now. And when people ask me why don't I eat a certain food, sometimes I can tell them because I totally detest its taste. I've tasted it before to know how it tastes like, and I don't like it. Then again, I might try it again some day. Tastes can change, you know.

Enough about stubbornness.

Next is a rant. (Not another one!) This time is about avoidance.

You see, I know a lot about avoidance. And running away. I am one of those people who run away from lots of stuff. I am slightly too hedonistic sometimes in that I prefer escaping reality than dealing with it.

Still. I believe I've been trying to face a lot of my problems. Step up, accept it, and move on. In fact, I think I've done a lot of that in the past few years, even though there is still a lot of things I need to improve on. But for the big stuff that depresses me for long periods, I think I've learnt sufficiently well how to cope with them.

So when I see somebody else shirking responsibility, I tend to call them out on it. Because as much as we need to run away for some time, a little time is enough. How long do you really want to stay hung on to a ghost? It's sad that the people I know well are almost always in denial of something. And these things affect their daily lives. A lot. And they are never willing to accept reality. This is related to their stubbornness, that is.

They say time will tell. Time heals all. Even the great quote (attributed to tons of religious people, Buddha was said to have said this, so did one of the Sons of God — what really matters is that it is true) "this too shall pass" speaks greatly of the powers of time. But how long is long? Dr. House was partly correct in that nothing changes if you don't do anything; time will pass anyway. But the passage of time itself is curious because memories fade. They recede into the corners of your mind, and sometimes you forget about them.

But doesn't this take too long? Plus if you're haunted by it daily, it makes you think about it daily. And the more you deny it, the more you will remember it, and the higher the possibility that even if it fades into a past memory that it will become a very ugly one that traumatises you for life. How's that for time? Does it even help? I've tried it, and I can assure you that the only thing that you can be sure of about time and denial is that you will not stop denying it, not stop remembering it, not stop feeling about it, until you accept it.

I feel that "this too shall pass" was referring especially to great joy, that we should cherish that moment, and accept that it will fade. Why? Because we never deny ourselves great joy. We accept it, and let the emotion take its course through our body. We feel elated for a day, maybe two, or even a month perhaps, and then it disappears like it never happened before. Notice that not once did we deny the right to feel happy. Not once did we refuse to accept happiness.

And yet, denial is rife with depression. Of course, I'm not saying that great sadness and grief will disappear in ten days or less. It's not a magical formula. But at least if you let it run through you, like those moments of great joy, time will take its toll.

Enough about denial.

Talking and ranting about this somehow makes me see this invisible line that ties all these together.

Before that I think I have an extra string to tie. About the want of better things. The chess book spoke of a "jam lust" as Rowson terms it, which meant a lust for better. For perfection, in a sense. The way he puts it makes a lot of sense. Perfection is not something you can attain, but more like something you hide behind. A veil that keeps you secure and confident. But it is merely that. A veil, nothing more.

I want a better tablet to make up for my skills. Because I think that with it I can be perfect. At least the set-up will be perfect. But the figurative jam isn't really necessary. I can be brilliant without it.

And that's what sometimes is missing. We are all insecure and unconfident about some things. Perfection is one way of making sure I live up to some ideal, when the ideal could be totally faulty.

Perhaps now you can see the line. It's not really separate entities and faults here. It's one dynamic relationship that magnify all these faults. Because I am insecure, so I am in denial. And because of this denial, I am stubborn about everything related to the denial. And when you are stubborn, you want everything in one exact way, which is inline with perfection and ideals, a distorted ideal, that is.

I don't think it's the only relationship that takes place here. Stubbornness and denial are more intertwined that I make it out to be above. The other links are just there for it to seem more like a thematic post, but it's really just there for show. And I just thought of it like the moment I started writing about it.

It might not be a comment on the actual relationship of the things that I've written, but it could very possibly be a theme to my thoughts today.

Either way, I hope my friends can snap out of their stubbornness and denial habits.

It's one thing to let another suffer without helping. It's totally saddening to do as much as you can and yet lose to the amazing feats of human hard-headedness. I thought that was what a Capricorn was supposed to do. (Apparently we're supposed to be like billy-goats scaling a mountain steadily. Linda Goodman said that. But I'm just saying.)

That said, I can't do much more. I can only tell them what they need to know. The rest is up to them. And all I can do now is to cheer them on, hoping that one day, they will stray onto the right path and follow it until the end. Until then, I shall help them indulge in their denial, and remind them once in a while that there is a path waiting to be taken.

That said, I need to learn to give less advice.

It's like my trademark to give advice anywhere and anytime. I realise that a lot of people hate my unsolicited advice. But perhaps I just want to care. And I want to see the best for them. But humans, being in their denying ways, prefer to live with what they like to hear more than what they should be doing. I know I am that way too. That's why I'm not really very good company.

Something I need to change: stop giving so many alternatives.

Chess and Complications

2010-06-07T00:28:00.002+08:00

You know, I suddenly had this funny thought. It's something I felt for some time, but never really talked about it.

Life, is like a chessboard extending towards infinity in all directions. And you're like a player looking from above.

You see, you can play chess in many ways. There are simple positions to play with, and complicated positions. Life, perhaps, is the same way. We make life complicated through a series of choices that leave us in a tight bind. One wrong step, and everything just falls apart.

And yet, we seem to love that kind of situation. It's like we're addicted to living life on a tightrope, while we could have taken the bridge instead. To feel the rush of living.

I think it's part and parcel of life, perhaps. The complications are necessary. However, there comes a time when you do need to simplify. Get out of the complications. It might not be now, but one day, you do have to choose to make life simpler. And you will thank yourself for doing so.

Me? I've been living a pretty straight-forward life, honest, and all. But when it comes to feelings, I think I still haven't found the right time to uncomplicate things. Perhaps it's because there's still an element of fear somewhere.

Haha. Yeah. Just something I suddenly thought of.

Oh Look

2010-06-06T04:35:00.002+08:00

菅原紗由理 - 素直になれなくて"

I'm awake. I'm supposed to be sleeping, but I kinda fell asleep early, and woke up even earlier. So I figured that I would stay awake. Not my brightest plan by far.

Remember that I had something to say the other day? I kinda didn't talk about it with my supposedly best friend, however, I managed to talk about it slightly with this new person I just met out of pure coincidence and is pretty awesome. At the beginning she was so funnily interesting I just wished that the girl I liked could be slightly more like her. But then, who am I kidding?

So anyway. The thing I was going to say was that I'm going to stop hoping for a miracle. I'm also going to stop dreaming about that relationship that never could be. Because I woke up that day, after reading all those books in Borders, and suddenly asked myself this question: "Would she be able to engage in an exploration of philosophy? Or any other subject completely unrelated to our professions?" I wasn't sure. Actually, I was pretty sure the answer was no. At least if it were between the two of us.

So what can we talk about? She obviously wouldn't crazy with me. What else could we do together? And I came to the answer: nothing at all.

You see, I think if any person came up to me and talked about anything in the world at all, I think I'd still hold some interest for the topic, and perhaps ask some questions once in a while to move the topic along, learning more and more. What I'm not so certain about is another person doing that for me. You'd think it's easy to find a conversationalist who listens to what you say, but actually, if you looked closer, most of them aren't listening at all.

So I decided to let go. I think I deserve somebody whom I can actually make conversation with.

I used to think that silence is something admirable in a couple. But perhaps, only if the silence meant understanding, instead of having nothing at all to say, that it becomes meaningful, and appropriate. And that milestone is hard to come by.

Anyway. Because I was pretty bored, and I was stalking this blogger who said she was watching Sunao ni Narenakute. So I watched it as well. Turns out, the story is pretty interesting and I'm really excited about the continuation. What more, it has Chicago's Hard to Say I'm Sorry as a semi-theme-song. It's about five people who are lonely and find it hard to be honest. Hahaha. Kinda. I think I like it so much because I can relate. Especially to the honesty bit.

Okay. I think I'm going to give up and go to sleep. Nights. (Speaking of which, I hate designing. And I need to fix my fickle-mindedness.)

Good Morning?

2010-06-03T10:39:00.002+08:00

Hmm. I think this might be the first ever time I write in the morning. That's probably because I'm not really unhappy, or unable to sleep, but more like, I really want to write. I know it's been some time since I've last written anything, but there's nothing much to say. (Oh! I remember. I got my results the other day. I guess that should also be noteworthy.) Anyway. I had some interesting time yesterday reading books, so I'm going to explain what I think I realised when I woke up today, and everything else that happened yesterday.

But first. Results! Haha. My results, as usual, is not spectacular. But it had the mark of an A-. An A minus. Which gladly aided me in resisting the inevitable drop. It didn't stop my CAP from dropping by 0.1 though. Although it probably would have been a lot worse.

Should I announce my results here? Perhaps. Let's start with the worse of the lot. A stunning W grade (for withdrawal) from CS3233 [Competitive Programming]. Awesome module, but I just didn't have the time to be intelligent. And I guess I'm not cut out to think fast, I'm only cut out to think extensive. And I sometimes do question the use of being able to code out a barely practical algorithm in record time — isn't that what books are for? Then again, I'm probably just being a sour grape.

Next up, both amazingly shocking, and not-so-shocking simultaneously, EE2005 [Electronics] and EE2007 Microprocessor Systems, with a B- each. Honestly, I didn't expect to do so badly, but I guess it was all that I deserved. Not to say that I didn't expect this. I expected a lot worse, especially for EE2005, seeing how I skipped the last lab practical and totally blew the exam. The fact that it has a B prefix still amazes me when I think about it. EE2007 was probably due to the lab. Last minute coding and patching for the win. I vow never to repeat that again.

My Singapore Studies module scored a B. Amazingly. So while I pondered whether to S/U it or not, my gut said, just forget it. It's pretty far away from my expected B- or C+, due to having left an entire essay question blank for the final exam (in the end, I did manage to write two sentences of unrelated nonsense). My other teammates (with unfortunately lesser results) decided that it was because of the tutorial participation that mattered.

CS2103 Software Engineering got me a B+, unfortunate, but it had to be so. Whilst I did pretty well for the finals, I think the project was slightly sub-par. Still, I was pretty happy with the concept, although it didn't turn out that well. Guess that's why people have beta versions well before the last hurdle. Hahahaha. (Many thanks to last minute work again.)

And here! The very last, the A minus that I love so much. Computer Graphics CS3241 was pretty much the scorer I hoped it would be. Although I was kinda hoping it wouldn't have a tail, but still. I'm not complaining. My assignments probably killed me slightly, and the mid-term was pretty depressing. But I finished the finals so early, that I bailed out and declared my end of exams a good hour before it supposed to end. That was fun.

However, I have one important job to do before the week ends: I have to figure out what sort of modules I'm going to take for my technical electives. Now if I had matriculated one year later, I would have easily no problem deciding, simply because the course was totally revamped to have a decent computer slant to it. Now I'm stuck with electrical engineering modules I don't like. But what choice do I have?

Anyway! Enough about studies. Yesterday was an fun day. I went to Queensbay, and to Borders, and to the cinema.

Borders first. Shortly after I bought tickets for Robin Hood (or should I say ticket?), I made my way to Borders. Stardust was on the sale shelf right in front, and being a total lover of the movie, and having wanted to read it several times in the past (but deciding to preserve the spirit of the movie, skipped it until now), I read the book cover to cover. Well, I read it halfway before Robin Hood, and the second half after. The first half was almost just exactly like the movie, except they skipped out the dwarf man and Dunstan's story. But the best part was, I couldn't stop grinning. I was reliving the story of the movie, in so many different ways, that I just grinned the whole way. While I was walking to the cinema to watch the movie, the story kept flashing back in my head, and I kept grinning. (I realise that I've just overused the word "grinning" but even as I say it, I have a slight euphoria in my heart.) What can I say? Stardust is fantastic. Fantastically awesome. And the love story that it is, is just too nice to give up for something else. And oh, the nursery rhymes added so much colour and reason to the story. It made a lot more sense to me, in a explanation way, and although fantasy worlds didn't really warrant any explanation whatsoever, a logical reasoning is hard to hate.

However! The ending was a lot less fantastic or dramatic as the movie. I probably have a fancy for everything drama, so the direction the movie gave was a lot better. Septimus died in a totally boring fashion, and the witches didn't die in the end. And oh, Tristan got the Stone in such a boring way. The end, I would say, was kind of abrupt. It was like Gaiman stopped having ideas on how to continue the story in an interesting way. And he just gave up in the middle. The movie and the book deviated halfway through, exactly at the point where the book stopped having much story to tell. Unfortunately. And oh, I dread the ending. It's so sad that Tristan had to die, it's even worse that Yvaine had to live forever without him. Why couldn't they just live happily ever after?

Then again, it was a realistic ending, in the sense that people die, and stars, well, they kinda don't. But WHY? Oh well. I guess Gaiman's stories end in semi-realistic ways, with the protagonist having lost and won. Neverwhere was also the same thing.

Now! While I got ahead of myself and told the second half of the story before my story of watching Robin Hood, I shall get to that now.

Robin Hood, was great. The love interest between Robin and Marian was far too cheesy for my tastes, but the rest was awesome. Story-wise, I never knew that much about Robin Hood's history until now. And it seems pretty darn interesting. There was this part in the movie at the end, when they rained arrows on the Frenchmen, that I was a little confused. What happens when the cavalry go down and fight? Wouldn't both sides drown in the crossfire of arrows? It's not like the arrows can pick people to attack.

But the landscapes were amazing. It makes me want to go to England now and awe in the wonder that is landscape. And oh! The way they showed the sculpture built in the middle of towns for the charter, which only revealed itself towards the end was pretty cool. I was wondering all through the show what the thing was for.

The other thing I loved about the movie was probably the sneak peek of the ending credits right at the beginning, where some shapes morphed into each other on a canvas of oil (if I'm not mistaken). It's actually pretty rare to see realistic movies with awesome ending credits, but I just loved how it all worked out. The final pictures were realistic in a sense, yet totally graphic. Argh. I will rewatch the ending credits in its full glory once I get my hands on the file.

Hmm. So I went back to Borders after that, and read a lot of philosophy books. I read other books, definitely, but philosophy.

Probably, I had some existential crisis. So I had to go and settle it before I moved on with life.

There's a lot that you can read about life, and meaning, but there's only so much you can read about it. Once you read a good amount, things will resonate with you, and then you form your own opinions about things. And once you do that, the books you read will either make you nod in agreement, or shake with disbelief. And there's nothing else you can do about it.

I have something else to say, but I'm going to write another post another time for that. I guess that it's actually quite the choice. And perhaps when I feel better about it, I'll write about it. And then I'll laugh about it. And wonder how I could be so foolish. But not now. Now is not the time.

Calm

2010-05-27T23:42:00.002+08:00

Glee Cast, Idina Menzel - Poker Face

Before I go on describing what I have been thinking of these two days, I have to say, I never thought GaGa was that good until today. Glee has an interesting way of selling GaGa's idea to me. And I kinda bought into it. But Poker Face was never this amazing. Granted, I read on some Youtube video that it's the same type GaGa does when she's live, but still. The Rachel's expression while she performs this is unbeatable.

So yeah.

I actually picked myself up somewhat yesterday, and starting getting productive again. And I played the piano and swam too, yesterday. While I was swimming, stuff passed through my head. You know, there's always this tension between two things: the way things are and the way things could be. What is, and what if. Life is like a continuous strife between these two things.

And when is it right? To be completely satisfied with what you have? And when you should be out there changing things to the way they should be? Like for instance, my current circle of friends, or whatever they really are. Sometimes I wonder if there would be people I would be better friends with, and I try to reach out. But that also means slightly deserting your original circle. And so, what?

Relationships. You have the most amazing, loving significant other in the whole wide world. At least you thought so when you first started out. Now? Not so much. Stay? Or leave?

Then again, there isn't really a balance to strike. At times, one of them seems appropriate. The other doesn't. It's intuitive to a certain extent, perhaps, but the same situation, with the same context, will have different outcomes depending on the different people making the decisions.

Then I started to think about her. Somehow, she's like in a totally different world. But I want to get close. But I still fear. Maybe it's the fact that we are really two different worlds, even though we are so similar, that attracts me. I don't really understand this feeling. I've never felt this way before. Even those sheepish glances I stole back in Form 6 when this other person broke my heart... they can't compare.

Anyway. Today, we went to 遇佛, as tomorrow is Wesak. Not something I really observe, but still, I don't mind following all these things.

What matters was my experience there.

Somehow, perhaps this is something I've grown to feel when I'm in a temple, I feel calm. And while praying for health and prosperity, when I added that it should be true happiness, I kept chuckling to myself. It suddenly dawned on me that whatever kind of happiness that I will get, it is only temporary. This too shall pass. I should cherish whatever kinds of momentous happiness I find, and then let it go again. The time I spent there, was one of them.

Reminds me of how life is so short.

Also, somehow I realised that all this praying isn't very useful. Yes, it might make your dreams come true. But the kind of things that I would be praying for are more of things that I should just do. Which brings me to courage.

Somehow I feel that even if I work up the courage to talk to her, things will still stay the same. Because I'm still no better yet. I might have grown, but not enough. It is still too early for me. In a way, you could say that I don't yet deserve her. But in the same idea she probably doesn't deserve me either, but hell, if I do grow enough, I'll be there, no matter.

But still, these things are far into the future. She might find somebody tomorrow even. But even so, the fact that I became a better person, for whoever who comes by after that, perhaps that is consolation enough.

Anyway, maybe I'll finally find some balls to ask her out some day. The answer is probably rejection, but still, hey I tried. Somehow, I'm hoping that her friends would convince her into trying anyway. I would convince her myself, but it would just sound so desperate. Haha.

Singledom is nice though. It's actually kinda rare to find people who can be completely comfortable with themselves. Though the glaring emptiness is sometimes hard to swallow. Heh. Nah, it's not an emo post. Just saying.

These few days, I'm stuck at home. Making my website. I'm putting an artificial deadline on myself to finish it when my results come out. And that is very near! I'm kinda hoping it won't be as bad as I think it can be. Plus, next semester, whether I move out or stay in campus, I'll have something great to look forward to. A less miserable life.

I might even meet somebody new. Haha. Although, freshies are out of the question. Something I've always felt strongly about is making people dependent on you, and thus starting a relationship on that basis. It's like exploitation. Then again, if it does happen, it should?

Whatever happens is the right thing to happen. I like that saying a lot. A lot of things happen for reasons that we don't understand. Somehow I'm hoping I won't get it when it actually hits me (soon, that is), but perhaps my journey will be long and arduous. All I can do is just enjoy it.

I don't know how long such a calm and (if you would allow me) slightly enlightened state will last. But hopefully I can keep this. It's nice to have a accept-all attitude.

Anyway. I have a big problem! It's to do with the new site. I don't know what colours to pick. It may sound trivial but I like yellow, but I can't like yellow. Because it's very girlish. The site with that colour scheme turns out like a wedding dress shop. Or some marriage/love website. But it is soooooooo nice.

I'll probably stick with the black/white with blue and red highlights. But I can't not love this. So I'll probably swoon over it for a while.

Yeah. So that's about it.

Dear Diary

2010-05-21T00:29:00.002+08:00

Today is kinda sad for me. But the inevitability has always been staring at me from the beginning. Yet, I dived right in. But haha. I'm not sure why I feel so sad though. I keep thinking about how impossible it all seems. But why is it that this wall exists? *sigh*

Anyway, I don't want to think about it. Maybe another day. Hopefully never ever. I don't even get it. I really don't get it at all.

You know, being miserable isn't that easy. But somehow or rather I keep coming back to this state, even with my inverse paranoia and everything. I am optimistic. But yet it doesn't change my situation. Maybe I just like being like this.

Angela Aki - 手紙～拝啓十五の君へ～ (合唱バージョン)

I need a pick-me-up. I need it now. And yet, there's nothing. All I have are distractions. Will they suffice? They might have worked on most days. But I don't think it will work today. Not today.

You know, I don't get why I can only find girls to talk to about matters of the heart. Somehow they seem to understand better. But, there arises a large problem. The matter of it being awkward. So I don't approach girls all that much. And then guys, well, let's just say that the situation is worse than with girls.

Then again, I give a lot of buts. I give way too many buts. I don't even know where all these buts come from. It's like my self-defense mechanism. That totally works. And yet, I know it's totally wrong a lot of the time. I guess I don't care? But I do. I think. And still. Here I am. Contradicting the hell out of myself.

You know... those social dances that we do on a regular basis? I hate them. It's totally for the good reasons, but I hate them all the same. It's just so over-the-top. It's like... wait... I don't really know what I'm talking about.

I wonder.

I guess it just fell out of my mind at the moment. But I think when I go to bed, it will come back again. To haunt me. And I want to cry. But I can't. The tears just don't seem to shed. The sky is as beautiful as ever, the scenery as serene, but the internal chaos that envelopes me is choking me. And I am scared.

Maybe I'll go back to Singapore soon. Let's just see how it all turns out.

Reflection

2010-05-20T02:59:00.002+08:00

It seems that I can't sleep. I've twisted and turned, but I can't sleep.

For the past few days, it has been like this.

My brain keeps thinking of unnecessary things. First it was things I wanted to do. Then it was things I needed to do. Then there were daydreams (more like night fantasies though), and excursions into completely unrelated yet somehow totally related fields.

Anyway. Let's start with the first thing on my mind. I've got tons to unload, and I feel that if I don't unload them, I'll never get proper sleep.

First. Today, I went to watch Ice Kacang Puppy Love at Gurney. Alone. This time though, I never felt much of anything like the previous time I went to watch Iron Man 2. I was almost weeping at the end though, so that could have been partly the reason. Love is kinda bittersweet sometimes, especially when your dreams don't match up.

I went to read some books today, and still, somehow, I couldn't bring myself to read any kind of management or business book. It somehow occured to me that it was all kinda superficial. And somehow along the way, I realised how beautiful my inner life was as a child. And how feminine-oriented I was since young. You see, I had played with cars. And I watched lots of violent shows. Power Rangers anybody?

But I didn't smash and crash those cars together. In fact, when I got a present for a super action-packed loop-the-loop, I don't remember using the spring-loaded ejector thingamajig a lot. What I remember fondly about those days was a map my dad drew on some unwanted plasticky paper (made of squares and rectangles — it had roads!), and me making up a lot of stories with them. Smashing cars together was part of the fun, but making stories with those cars... I don't think anything will ever replace that. Sadly, I can barely remember any of the stories I invented then. When I reminisce about it, it feels like it's from a different life.

Anyway. I kinda understand what love is all about now. And relationships, for that matter. I read The Little Prince today, and I must say, it is a very inspiring piece. And more than that, it really does show just how important those matters of the heart are.

So yeah. I was talking about love and stuff.

I think, at the end of the day, love and relationships are two very different things. Friendship, though, is not unlike relationships. But then again, they all intertwine each other in inseparable ways, and so they cloud our minds. Love, I feel, has, is, and will always be a one-sided affair. Two people can love each other, but that's just two one-sided affairs that just happen to be. Love, in that matter, is more like a care, a wish to support and grow, and nurture. Love is boundless, and love can only be received when you give. The more you give, the more you will receive; but not from the other person, but from yourself. When you love somebody else, you are, effectively, just loving yourself.

I'll tackle friendship next, because it's more clear-cut. Friendship, is but a bond between two people that find each other interesting. They find each other interesting enough to keep each other company, and soon enough, they are inseparable. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry put this very simply: they are then tamed, and that one is not like any other. He becomes unique. Becomes special. And because of that, you love them.

Originally, I had a clearer idea of what a couple relationship is. But after those two explanations, I think it just disappeared. The only explanation left, that differentiates friendship and a relationship is more of the sexual interest. I guess I do have a kind of Westernised perception of all this, but isn't it the last thing left standing? Or maybe friendship and couple-ship are just two names for the same thing. It's just like when we agree that we're a 'thing' and so we are. Nothing changed. Or did something?

It is this premise of interestingness that frustrates me to no end. My mind is filled with three girls. And I don't know what these feelings are. But I want to find out. Let's call it simply, past, recent, and even more recent (henceforth shortened to present, although it's not really "present" present, because recent is also "present" but just to differentiate). So Past, Recent and Present.

Past is kinda long past. But once in a while, I'll think of her, and somehow I still think of her fondly. And of what could be, and things. If I found any of them most interesting, it would be her.

Recent, is somebody that's been weighing on my mind. For some reason, I want to find some common ground, so that I could be interesting to her, and her to me. Maybe we lack communication, but I don't know why that's so.

Present, like I said earlier, is not really present. But anyway. She sometimes seem to be interesting, but I don't think it's the other way round though. This Present thing, I'm quite sure it's just a passing fad. But because it's here, I can't ignore it.

Anyway. I've said this earlier. This interestingness is disturbing me to no end. On one hand, I have an attraction to somebody whom I can't find any common interest with. But I like her a lot. I don't even know why. On the other hand, there is a pool out there, like Past, of people whom I have yet to meet. And I could very well find somebody so much more interesting. Where do I go from here? I'm not quite sure yet. I've been trying some different ways, but I haven't really found anything concrete.

You know, sometimes I hate myself for being so rational. Always demanding explanations. Gut feeling should be enough, sometimes. But I'm so inexperienced, and there's nobody to tell me which way to go. Maybe she will help me... But still, it's a two-person thing. It's like a ballroom dance — you're bound to step on your partner's shoes if you don't watch your step.

Tomorrow. I'm seeing her tomorrow. And I spent the last hour just laying on the bed thinking of all the things that won't happen tomorrow. Or at least the things that are highly improbable. And yet I continue thinking.

Actually I've done all I can. To a certain extent. I said I love her. But then I didn't do anything after that. It's kinda contradicting actually. And so I begin a new day.

It's been almost an hour since I started writing. I hope tomorrow will be a good day for me. Then again, que sera sera. Whatever will be, will definitely be. Nights.

Some Updates

2010-05-10T00:17:00.002+08:00

So. I just reached home today. After a long long time. Nothing feels the same, yet, nothing seems to have changed.

Today, I was cheated by the airlines. Next time, I might just take the bus instead. It may be a long journey, but it sure beats getting conned out of a hundred dollars. Well, it is my mistake for not being observant enough. But then again, I have always thought that business are always customer-friendly. Surprisingly, when I got back and looked at most of the airlines' T&Cs, they aren't that much different, save for AirAsia. Next time I bring luggage on-board, AirAsia it is. Screw the others and their per-kg charges.

Anyway. Lately, it saddens me how the people I know aren't really people. They're more like selfish idiots who can't see how to treat other people well. Not that I treat others well. I don't. But I think there is a different cause to this. Mine is more because I don't speak well. Shy as I am, I can't step up and help people with ease. Other people? It's all because of "me". Me, me, me.

Now I understand how the ego works. I even understand why people need to have personal benefits to everything they do. But isn't that just a little overkill? Wouldn't it be nice to do a random act of pure kindness every day that doesn't dictate a definite personal gain?

Yes. Speaking of which (it's entirely unrelated though), I realise that I'm not that much more extroverted yet, nor do I actually know how to make small talk proficiently enough. I think these three months need to be used to brush up on general knowledge. But then again, is it really wise to learn about small random bits of information about totally uninteresting stuff like celebrity gossip, just to have conversation?

Oh well. I think I do fine with one-to-one conversations. It's really amazing how well I can make conversation that way. In a large group though, I think the dynamics really throw me off.

I am saying this, simply because two nights ago, we had a barbecue. Towards the end of the barbecue, I stayed by the fire and just cooked the leftovers so that people can eat them (it would go to waste otherwise), instead of fraternising. It just seems so hard to talk to some of the people. I even sang. Then when one or two souls would wander over and look at what I'm doing, I'd start making conversation pretty smoothly. Somehow I think I asked too many questions. Haha.

After that, they had a briefing for the upcoming orientation. Okay. Let's just put this in very mild terms. Last year's group of planners did not function well together. And there were a lot of discontent and resentment. And there still is. I'm not shocked actually, but I was hoping that it wouldn't be still so bad. Then again, I wasn't involved in most of the unhappiness. I guess I just preferred peace instead.

But. And this is a very big one. Somehow, seeing the others be so angry with each other makes me wonder if they are angry at me as well. They might not tell you, but I think I could feel it. It might just be my imagination though.

Yeah. So yes. The briefing. There was a lot of talk and stuff, and I stayed back for a seniors discussion, although I don't even know if I should have. I wanted to help, that's all. But perhaps the help was not wanted? I kept my mouth shut mostly, because haha, I didn't think I should have been there.

Anyway, I think more than that kind of melancholy, I think it's far more saddening that the juniors aren't what I expected. I've said it before, but I'll say it again. The juniors aren't what I expected them to be.

Most of them seemed to be good people. But that's for the most part. Anyway.

I've been wondering lately whether my choice of becoming a group leader was a good one or not. After that briefing, I wondered even more. I think I have enough capacity to care for the freshies, but that's not what I'm worried about. I'm more worried about the social part. I don't know if I can even guide them well, let alone inspire them. And somehow lately I've been wanting to inspire people.

Hmm. I think that the title of the blog is somehow so fitting. A dreamer's reality. I've never put much thought into it. It was more of the fact that I was dreaming of a lot of things back then, which gave it the title. But thinking about it now, it's clear that I'm still dreaming lots. But in a good way. I have a dream of world peace. And where people help each other out of pure altruism. Where strangers will greet each other and chitchat while waiting for the bus, and where there wouldn't be a hungry soul because those who could afford it would give some food to them. More strikingly, I dream of a world without money. A world fueled by a community that wants to survive and thrive. Filled with people who give and give and give, and in turn, will receive. Those might be fantasies. But I think they can come true.

It's simple to start today and now. Just give a little. I give. I think I give quite a lot. But perhaps, not quite enough.

Anyway. I think I should stop mindlessly rambling for now. I want to sleep.