1. When we are argue, do either of us express contempt?

Contempt is basically the biggest predictor of divorce for married couples.

The definition of contempt (in relationships science) is that goes beyond other forms of criticism. It involves hostility. Examples of contempt include: Phrases like “You’re nuts.” Nonverbal behaviors like rolling eyes, sneering. Putdowns, insults, name calling, yelling and screaming, mocking, sarcasm, ridiculing, and hurtful teasing.

2. Do we have a ratio of at least 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction? If not, could we work towards this ratio?

When relationships go bad, it is typically the positive interactions that decrease first, and then the negative interactions increase. Happy couples typically have a ratio of at least 5:1 positive interactions to negative interactions. Couples who are about to divorce have a ratio more like 1:1.

You can restore a 5:1 ratio if you’re committed to working at your relationship and your relationship has other strengths. If you’d like to try increasing the positive interactions in your relationship in an easy way, try this fun way of boosting positive interactions.

3. Does your partner support you when things go right for you?

Research has shown that support when things go right (e.g., when your partner has successes) is at least as predictive of relationship quality as support for things that go wrong.

4. Can we repair our positive bond after arguments and tension?

In a lot of cases this will be just reaching out for connection in some way, such as acknowledging your partner’s valid points or using humor.

After particularly destructive arguments, can you “claim your own moves” that contributed to your “dance of disconnection?”

For example, Partner 1 gets overwhelmed and tries to escape during an argument by going to another room, Partner 2 chases Partner 1 to the other room, and Partner 1 attacks and gets nasty.

The categories involved in the dance of disconnection are:

- Pursuing or demanding behavior
- Attacking (Contempt or criticism, which includes using phrases like “You always” “You never” “You should,” and attacking your partner’s personality).
- Withdrawing (including stonewalling, refusing to engage, and defensiveness)

Lots more info Demand – Pursue – Attack – Withdraw

5. Do I have a positive global view of my partner as a person, even if some things annoy me?

For example, I think they’re generally reliable, trustworthy, supportive, considerate, kind etc, even though there are some things they do that are not consistent with this.

6. Is my partner emotionally withdrawn?

Do I feel lonely or shut out in the relationship? Can I connect emotionally? Does s/he express their deepest emotions and allow me to get close?

7. Is my partner emotionally responsive to me?

When I signal that I need connection, does my partner respond or does s/he ignore me? Do I know that I’m important to my partner?

Can I take emotional risks with my partner? Can I open up about my feelings, anxieties etc and trust that my partner will care about my feelings, even if they don’t always get the response right?

8. Can I live with our “gridlock problems?”

Even in happy relationships, 70% of problems are gridlock problems that never get solved. To be happy, couples need to figure out how to be happy while these problems still exist. Some degree of compromise can be achieved, but the research shows that there usually needs to be a degree of acceptance and tolerance as well.

Can you and your partner compromise on the big stuff if necessary – like where to live and how many children to have?

9. Does my partner allow me to influence him/her, and vice versa?

Does my partner sometimes change his/her perspective because of my influence? For example, changes his/her thoughts based on a point I make, or is willing to try things I suggest. Or, you explore some of each other’s interests/hobbies/tastes and preferences.

Do I let my partner influence me? Do I sometimes change my perspective because of his/her influence?

Allowing influence shows you respect each other’s opinions and have psychological flexibility.

10. Does my partner do things that undermine my fundamental physical or emotional security?

e.g., Violence, repeated cheating, spending money in a way that jeopardizes our security.

Also includes some of the specific things already mentioned, such as being emotionally withdrawn or unsupportive.

What If My Answers Were Negative?
How to Work on Your Relationship

If your answers to 3 or more questions were negative and you would like to try increasing the positive interactions in your relationship in an easy way, try this fun way of boosting positive interactions.

Couples Therapy

You can turn around problems through couples therapy, if you’re motivated to do that. Choose a couples therapist who is familiar with the research on which types of couples therapy work best. I recommend Emotion Focused Therapy, which has been shown to help even very unhappy couples. Try this if you have lots of negative answers to the above questions but you both want to work on your relationship. There are also other good couples therapies like Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy (IBCT).

In the meantime, I challenge you try to boosting your positive interactions in 30 seconds a day.

1. Tell me the story of my delivery? What time of day was I born etc?

2. Do you remember when you found out you were pregnant? Who did you tell first?

3. Do you remember any details like my first word or when you first felt me kick?

4. Do you remember any nicknames I had as a kid that I might have forgotten?

5. Did I ever get lost as a child? Where? What did you do?

6. Did I have any separation anxiety as a kid? Like when I went to school?

7. What were my passions when I was a child? Things I might not remember?

8. What were some of the times you were most proud of me when I was a child?

9. What kinds of parenting advice of the day/times influenced your parenting?

10. For people who have older siblings: How did my siblings react to me when I was born?
For people who have younger siblings: How did I react to the birth of my siblings?
For people who have no siblings, you get to take this question off :)

Rationale: Attachment style shows a degree of continuity from childhood to adulthood. If someone was securely attached to their primary caregiver, they’re more likely to have a secure attachment style now (i.e., they’re not too needy or too distant).

2. Do you ever have a hard time accepting No when you want something?

Rationale: Is s/he entitled, disrespectful or needy?

3. If you weren’t doing the job you’re doing now, what would you like to do?

Rationale: Does s/he have any big plans for dramatic life changes you don’t know about?

4. Do you ever lose control of your actions?

Rationale: Is s/he erratic, dysregulated or impulsive-in-a-bad-way?

5. Do you feel confident about your ability to solve everyday problems that come up?

Rationale: Is the person excessively dependent, needy, or incompetent, or does s/he perceive themselves that way?

6. Do you have a hard time trusting people?

Rationale: Does the person have a hostility bias? i.e., they think others are attacking them when in fact they are not.

7. Do you ever have a sense of being a failure as a person?

Rationale: Does s/he have low self-esteem?

8. What are some examples of when you’ve persisted and succeeded at a long term goal?

Rationale: Does s/he have grit (which is important for success)? Can s/he delay gratification?

9. Is your pot smoking/binge drinking just a being young thing for you or can you imagine wanting to do it your whole life?

Rationale: Hopefully obvious!

10. Are you able to admit when you’ve made a mistake or when your own actions might’ve contributed to a problem?

Rationale: When you fight, is s/he going to fight nice? Is s/he going to be good at repairing your bond after you’ve had an argument?

11. Do you know when you’re feeling hurt, lonely, sad, ashamed/embarrassed etc?

Rationale: Does the person have emotional self-awareness? Without emotional self-awareness, people can’t easily communicate when they need caring, and that tends to cause problems in relationships.

Of course there are other important dating questions related to finances, children etc but I wanted to make a list of psychology-related dating questions.