A Light's On

Making Conversation

2009-11-09T10:22:00.003Z

I've got a sore throat. I've been feeling groggy since I got here, went to bed early the first night in the hopes of sleeping it off. But it doesn't seem to want to let go of me just yet. I think my crappy immune system is trying to fight it off. I hope it can win! For now I'm only suffering slightly from a sore throat and an intermittment bad ear. Both could be caused by how cold the house gets at night. It's an old house so when the cold sets in it really sets in. I won't run the heating through the night, though, cos that's just wasteful so I'll just have to put up with the achy throat and bad ear.

Things are going well. So far there have been no great disasters. Usually something comedy happens so I'm waiting cautiously for it happen this time ;) The weirdest thing of all is cos the dog is now quite deaf he can't hear me when I'm rambling on to him. I used to have lots of conversations with him (which his owner once told me was crazy cos who in their right mind talks to the dog ;D) but now I'll say something and he won't even look up and I have to leave off the chat, mumbling, "Yeah, I know, you can't hear me, you don't care..." ;) I still talk to myself but really I prefer having a chat with the dog so it's very quiet here when I don't have the TV running in the background.

There have been no great storms, as is usually what happens when I'm here. The wind whistles through the chimeny and slams into the side of the house - it can be quite spooky. I'm due to get that tonight as a rainstorm is meant to hit us at about nine o'clock. At least with the dog so deaf he shouldn't be running round the house trying to hide from it. He really doesn't like storms usually and tries to get into bed with me so I'll protect him; but now he can't hear them so well he usually just sleeps quietly. Tonight will be the tester. Last time he slept through the storm, and this time he's already slept through the fireworks so I'll see how he fairs tonight.

And that's how things are. Quiet and easy-going - just how I want it to stay ;)

FEELING: okay

Books & Shopping

2009-11-06T19:40:00.004Z

I treated myself to a new book today. It's a little gift to myself as a reward for the dog-sitting I'm doing this month ;) I love the free time it gives me - the thinking time. Where I can stop, sit back from everything and really see things as they are. I used to enjoy it more when I lived with my parents, because it was a way to escape the family and to have my own independence. Now I don't crave the alone time as much - I miss my cuddles from Ray and Sweepie too much ;)

But, anyway, I bought a book. Because obviously I love to read. Because I am drinking up everything I can about the Tudor time, having had my love of the era rekindled thanks to Phillipa Greggory's books. And because while I am away I read a lot - a lot. When I'm bored of my own company during the day: I read. When I need to fall asleep: I read. When I can't sleep because I've convinced myself there's a murdering rapist on the loose: I read.

The Life & Death of Anne Boleyn

Professor E.W. Ives, the author, is an acknowledged expert in Tudor history - specialising on the Boleyns. His 1986 biography, "Anne Boleyn," became the standard work on Anne's life - and deservedly so...The new book is an updated version of the 1986 copy, with extra chapters elaborating on Anne's role at Court and incorporating all the new research on Anne Boleyn's life and times.

I have to admit to having more of a leaning towards her brother (really, is anyone surprised by that considering what is said about him and his loves? ;D) but there are no biographies about him. Through my liking of Anne I found George, and so I figure through my research on Anne I will learn more about George. That's the plan, anyway.

I also did some selfless shopping today too - my little sister is turning twenty-one at the end of the month (how? how? how?) and so I've ordered her something pretty and special. I'm not saying what because she might be reading.

And then there was some Poupee Girl shopping. Pixel-shopping still counts as real shopping! And it's better for me cos it's free ;) I bought these uber cute shoes to match the dress she'd bought a few weeks ago. I haven't decided yet whether or not to get the matching beret... hats always look funny on my Girl's head.

Doesn't she look so very pretty in the outfit? Obviously I wouldn't wear such a pretty dress to go dog-sitting but my Girl really is a fancy dresser and wouldn't dream of wearing the scruffy jeans and warm long cardigan I usually do ;)

I'll probably be quiet for the next couple of days. Nose in a book (The Six Wives of Henry VIII and then when that's done William & Harry: The Biography of Two Princes), crazy dog not far from my side, chocolate near at hand, probably waiting for the next omnibus of "The Hills" to start... ;)

Enjoy the weekend!

FEELING: positive

Village, Country, Town

2009-11-05T11:28:00.004Z

Moving house has been a topic discussed quite a lot around me during the last few months. There was even a time in the summer when I thought I would have moved home by now. But we made a decision to get married first and then concentrate on finding our marital home. I'm sure many people would have done it the other way round but for us this was the best decision.

I have lived in three different types of places during my twenty-six years.

I spent my first ten years in a large village, on a council estate. Granted, council estates then were not what they are now but they still were quite rough places. I can't say it ever overly intimidated me but that's because I was young and knew no other way. I had wonderful friends. In fact, my favourite time of life (not including the present) were those first ten years. Primary school still holds my fondest school memories and everyone I've spoken to since who attended the school have said the same. It was just a very fun, safe school. All of us were mixed in together, there was no segregation (apart from those taught in Welsh and those of us taught in English), and, to my knowledge, there was very little snobbery. Perhaps because we were all so young we didn't know what it was. Of course, there was bad times. I fell out with my best friend during the last few years and we were very nasty to each other. Jemma became ill. Things at home were strained. Yet the village life was fun. It was very gossipy but there was always the option to shut the door and lock it out.

I spent the next ten-or-so years submerged in country life, in a house that sat at the very top of a hill away from the village below. It was beautiful. The green fields, the cows, the sheep, the rain, the sun - it all looked amazing. School life was awful. This was where I first learned of snobbery, making the fatal mistake of ditching a very good friend because the other girls I was friends with thought her common. I spent my school life flitting from one group of friends to the next - as we had done in Primary school. All of us together, all of us friends. Comprehensive school doesn't work like that, though. I'm sure my memories of country life are sullied by the fact that I had serious surgery and found myself friendless and alone. Living in a house on a hill sounds wonderful but in practise it can be very lonely. Of course, I have to thank it for sending me inside myself for without it I wouldn't be a writer today. I found country life lonely but, as I don't particularly like people fluttering around me that much, it had its own charms.

For the last two years I've lived in a town. The independence is great. I can get everything I want for myself without having to rely on a lift or the bus. We're lucky in that we live by the beach, as well, so the views are still pretty. But I have to admit to not liking it very much. I miss the friendliness of country life, where people would wave at you from the roadside and always say hello when they passed you by. These days the only people who stop and talk are other dog-walkers. In a town you keep your head down and your eyes to yourself. The independence is great, though. When we move it'll be that that I miss. Because I can't drive and doubt I'll ever learn considering I am extremely nervous in the car.

So where does that leave me now? Where will Ray and I be setting up our marital home and starting our new lives together? We have some ideas. None of them are concrete and as indecisive as we both are I'm sure they'll change again and again before an actual move is made. I'll be happy to leave town life behind, even though I will mourn my independence. I'd be sceptical about returning to a real country life because I've had such a bad experience before and because I worry I'd be very lonely. So that leaves village life. A local shop, a good school, neighbours who talk to you and - shock upon shock - maybe even new friends.

But of course all these feelings I have towards the different lifestyles - village, country, town - really depend on the emotions I had whilst living there. When I make my own family we'll make new memories and the old ones will fall away. Given the choice, where would you choose to live?

FEELING: thoughtful

Finding the Words

2009-11-04T15:50:00.004Z

It's that Autumnal time of year when bloggers start to drop of with their posts. I know I'm not the only one.

Do you think it's possible to go shy on a blog? Maybe I just don't want to fear clicking on the page and seeing a string of complaints about what I've written (although that happens very rarely!). Or maybe I've just got so used to keeping things secret that it's hard for me to write about anything on here anymore.

I think it's probably a mixture of all three. I've refrained from posting anything too personal, even going so far as to not post any pictures of people in my previous post. Why? I don't know. I guess sometimes a neruotic blogger can get a bit shy and suddenly realise there's actual real life people reading what's written here. It's hard to sit and write mindless drivel (as I usually do oh so well ;D) when you are aware of people reading it because then come the comments and the judging. And if you're not in the mood to hear that crap then you just crawl into your own little shell and hide away. In the sense of a blog my shell has been to just stop opening the Dashboard and so writing nothing.

I think I'm coming out the other side now. I mean, seriously, what do I care if some person I don't know - or do know for that matter - doesn't agree with something I write here? You can't please everyone all the time, so I'm told. I am very, very happy in my life right now. I am excited about the coming year. I should really share some of that excitement or else I might burst ;)

I hear it's that time of the year again where people try and write so many words in a month - is that right? I've never taken part. I'm not one to be told when, how often or what to write - I am a stubborn writer ;) But in the spirit of that thing I will say that I will write more regularly here. Now that I've completed the recent Soul Mates novel I really need somewhere to write every day before I begin work on the next book.

So to unlease the pent up words within I will write here more often.

FEELING: determined

Halloween Party 2009

2009-11-02T19:48:00.002Z

Really, there was no need for words for this post ;)

FEELING: silly

Library Woes

2009-10-29T12:05:00.003Z

This week's been nice and slow and lazy.

I've started a ~~spring~~Autumn clean in the bedroom. I've rearranged all the stuff on my desk and the smellies round the mirror. I have so much clutter! I don't want to get rid of any of it cos I do actually use it all but, seriously, there is so much. I could never do this modern, clean, clutter-free living ;) I've got the Red Dwarf series out on display at last. The sides of the boxes all line up to spell out Red Dwarf so I've been wanting to get them out of the drawer and on display for a while. I love little collections like that. I'd have my books on display better downstairs if I could but, again, so many books and so many DVD's that we've run out of room. Everything is spilling over ;)

Today I finally managed to get into town. I've been meaning to go for three days now ;) I did the banking. I tried on a pretty purple shirt but managed to persuade myself not to buy it. As much as a new shirt would be great I'd rather get some dresses in for the winter. This year I've bought some black tights so I can stop hiding in my jeans through the cold months. I have lovely dresses and skirts but I only ever wear them during the summer; it's a waste. Hopefully these tights will help to encourage me. And I'd like to buy in some nice new dresses. I feel like my wardrobe is leaning a bit towards childish. I want some grown-up clothes ;)

I also went to the library. Is anyone else's local library really bad for books? They have some really old books on the shelves. None of the new stuff. And with the history books - where I was browsing today - you really need to get the newer stuff cos they're always learning new things. I had to make do with a book published in 1992 because that was the only book they had on Henry VIII. I remember I went there for books about life in the 6th Century cos that's when Soul Mates is set and I really struggled to find anything that had been published in the last ten years. I know I can order books through them but the whole point of me being in the library is because I don't know what books I want, I just know the subject. I guess I'll have to start buying the books. But then I' wouldn't be supporting my local library! While there today I also picked up a book about Prince William and Harry. I can't resist my Royal boys ;) And that book was published in 2003 so there is hope that some fresh blood is being poured onto the bookshelves.

FEELING: happy

My Work Is Done

2009-10-26T10:34:00.003Z

I'm back home again and making the most of a day off ;)

It's a bit insane how tired I get after dog-sitting. But I suppose I didn't sleep very well. There were no catastrophic events this time, which has to be a first in a long time ;) Something funny usually always happens to make the trip that bit more stressful. I think the fact that the dog has aged so much since I last took care of him was enough. There was a lot of insane old dog behaviour to contend with. Luckily I'd had a lot of practise with Auntie Martha so I knew how to handle him. And now there's a big - and I mean huge, as big as a dog! - cat living there too. He was very sweet, meaowed in greeting to me every time he saw me. While there I mostly indulged my obsession with the Tudor reign, and of course got reaquainted with "The Hills".

I got back yesterday evening, curled up on the sofa in my PJ's and watched Sweeney Todd. And promptly regretted that decision. Why has everyone told me that film is good? It's awful. It's just so boring - and the songs are lame. I was falling asleep before ten o-clock, hehe.

This morning I got up to feed Sweep and then we both went back to bed, curled up under the blankets and I read. I'm now onto the The Queen's Fool, which is about Mary, Katherine's daughter, and Elizabeth, Anne's daughter, who both become queen eventually, one following the other. I prefer the history of when Henry VIII is actually alive but I thought this one might be quite interesting. I have some vague ideas about each woman so it'll be nice to see what the book throws up. And, yes, I do know it's a work of fiction but the writer does base her stories in facts, but even then I don't read it as gospel. History can never be truly known.

The day ahead for me involves sorting out the washing and that's about it. Me and Sweep are going to cuddle on the sofa and I might go and see my husband in Fable II, as I'm sure he'll be missing me and needing sex by now. He has an insatiable appetite for sex! ;)

FEELING: tired

Bargains

2009-10-24T10:44:00.003+01:00

For this weekend only you can get 15% off my novel SHADOWS when purchased at LuLu. Simply add it to your basket and enter in the code WITCH when prompted for the special offer code.

FEELING: sleepy

Soul Mates: Volume V

2009-10-21T15:58:00.004+01:00

I have completed another novel - woo!

This was Soul Mates Volume V. Volume V! Can you believe it? I can't believe I've completed the fifth volume of the series already. This story just comes out of me so easily that I'm almost running to catch up with the characters as they're telling me everything. I remember when I started this story - it was only my third novel to complete. But it really did make me a writer. The first series (if you can call it that) was five books in length - I wrote the first book in one long weekend session. From then on I knew I was hooked. That first "series" isn't anywhere near good enough to be published and so I had the idea of continuing on the story in a second series and to use extracts from the first series as flashback chapters to show where the characters have come from and what they've been through. It's been great fun.

How many novels is that now that I've completed? Well, I started writing properly at the age of eighteen. It kept me sane and kept me educated during the years when I was raising my younger sister. This is my fifteenth novel to complete, although only about eight or nine of those novels are really anywhere near ready for publication. The five in the "Soul Mates" series are raring to go. I've worked my hardest on them, nipping and tucking every single chapter until it was absolutely perfect. Now the letters of rejection I get from publishers always say how well it's written, how much they like the story but that they can't take it on because... well, usually, I think, they only don't take it on cos so many of the main characters are gay. There's plenty of hetro in there - and it's not a story about being gay - but as soon as a publisher gets wind of there being actual homosexuals being portrayed in a literary way that doesn't see them bouncing round the clubs of Brighton being overtly camp they tend to shy away. I'll break them eventually, though ;)

Today I don't care whether the books gets published, if no one ever hears Tajar's tale (I daren't tell him how really it's probably Layana's tale ;D), I'm just happy that they're all telling me such wonderful stories and that I am still excited about writing eight years later. [LINK]

FEELING: hyper

Can't And Won't

2009-10-19T15:35:00.002+01:00

I haven't blogged in ages! You know when there's things going on in life that you either can't or won't talk about online? Well, I've got things going on that I can't and won't talk about. Double the fun! Actually, one is very fun, the other really isn't. So I haven't really been in the mood for blogging. So I just stopped for a while.

I've felt sick for the last week or so. Don't get excited and start thinking I'm pregnant - we've had that scare once this month and I won't have it again. My body is just fighting off a cold and is taking it's damn time about it. I sometimes think it might have been easier to just have had the cold, at least then I'd be feeling better by now. But I'm a wimp and I hate being ill so a lesser version of an illness is always going to be preferred ;) I'm hoping it'll pass on soon. Feeling sick gets old very fast. And it does remind me awfully of those two months I spent on the sofa with Labyrinthitis and gets me very worried it's all coming back again. So far it hasn't.

My writing is going very, very well. I've nearly completed Volume V of "Soul Mates" and have had so much fun writing it. Another reason why I haven't blogged this last week. Once I've finished writing the novel for the day I usually feel all written out. Today I feel very much like that but I wanted to write something been as it's been a week already. The fact that I'm still writing and not laid out on the sofa makes me very happy every day cos it means the Labs hasn't returned for another day :)

And in more good news: I am dog-sitting this weekend. It's been ages since I last did that. I'm a little anxious about it but I know as soon as I get there I'll love the time by myself and I'll feel - and be - much better for it. Not forgetting that the money would really come in handy ;)

So it's been a mad week of things I can't or won't discuss. I'm hoping this week will just feature things I won't discuss and that will at least leave some words for me to write here ;)

FEELING: okay

Off With Her Head

2009-10-13T14:31:00.003+01:00

The house smells of veggie cottage pie today. I decided to russle one up for tea tonight. It'll only need twenty minutes in the oven and then we can eat. Quick tea with all the cooking already done - my favourite kind of food ;) I haven't been in the mood for doing proper cooking in ages. I just lost my mojo for it. I don't think it's really back yet. I was just at a loose end this morning and because I couldn't concentrate on anything I decided to do something useful and cook ;)

At the moment I am re-reading The Other Boleyn Girl by Phillipa Gregory. That's keeping me occupied most of the time when I'm too excited with wedding plans to concentrate on anything else (the butterflies are amazing - they wake me up every morning!) or when other life stuff is just too heavy to fit in my head. I am obsessed with the book, having always been slightly in love with Henry VIII since childhood. I blame my crush on him on the primary school teachers who taught me all about how he chopped his wives head's off. As a young girl of eight I found it mesmerising. I only finished "The Other Boleyn Girl" two weeks ago but I wanted to read it again because I enjoyed it so much. It shows Tudor court life wonderfully and also paints a different picture of what I was raised to believe happened between Henry and Anne - considering the book is told from her sister Mary's viewpoint. The film version was awful so don't bother watching that in the hopes of getting a glimpse of the book - the two do not even compare. I was very disapointed. I've read the next book in the Tudor series: The Boleyn Inheritence. That one is about Anne of Cleves and Katherine Howard, two of the wives I knew the least about. And I will read The Queen's Fool next. I'm looking forward to the first book in the series, the one about Katherine because she's always portrayed as this sad, old Queen who was ousted for the younger Anne, when in fact history shows that she and Henry were a force to be reckoned with in their twenties. I think the book will do her justice if the other books are anything to go by.

Henry VIII is still my favourite monarch. It's true what they say, isn't it? What effects you in childhood always sticks with you into adulthood. Thank God I was introduced to Henry VIII's Tudor dynasty. It almost makes me long for our current Royal Family to act the same way ;)

FEELING: okay

What's My Age?

2009-10-09T21:16:00.003+01:00

I have had a moment of complete insanity!

The other day Gen made a blog entry about turning twenty-five. I innocently went along and commented, saying how I'd turned twenty-five this year and had found it surprisingly easy but that I wasn't ready to turn twenty-six yet. This was days ago. I didn't think any more on it.

Literally minutes ago I was telling Ray how when we're old and wrinkley I'll always see him as whatever age he is now - I can never remember how old he is. He said I'd have to stay the same age to him as well then other wise it'd just be weird ;) He said, "You're twenty-five, right? I was telling someone the other day you're twenty-five, anyway." And I just realised, all of a sudden, no I am not twenty-five. I've been twenty-six since April 17th of this year! How the hell did I forget?

This wasn't some vain attempt to stay forever twenty-five (although one of my sisters is twenty-five and not a second older, I swear ;D), I honestly did think I was that age. I can't believe I did that, and also wrote it down online like a complete lunatic. I think all this death and wedding business has frazzled my brains somewhat.

I have come to learn in the last ten minutes that I am aged twenty-six and my terribly handsome youthful husband-to-be is twenty-three. So now we know. Let's try not to forget it again ;) Sorry, Gen, about the hilariously wrong comment. At least I can tell you with some authority that turning twenty-six was a breeze, so much so that I think I'm a year younger already! ;)

FEELING: giddy

Saying No To The Blues

2009-10-07T14:22:00.003+01:00

The Conservatives are having their politcal party this week. Their motto is that they're being honest, talking tough, making the hard decisions - but being completely and utterly transparent in those decisions. If you believe that then you really will believe anything. Politicans are not there to tell you the truth: they're there to claw their way to power and try to hold onto it for as long as possible - and in any way possible. Really, what the Tories have offered up so far is what the Tories always offer up: taking money from the sick, the elderly and the poor. They can dress it up any how they see fit. That's the bottom line.

When I was born this country was in the grip of a Tory government. The 1980's for Britain was a hard and poor place. I was raised on a council estate, wearing hand-me-downs, not being able to afford computer consoles. And we were one of the lucky few: my father hadn't lost his job like most people in the eighties had. Through sheer hard work my family clawed its way up. When I was eleven we bought our own house in the country. It nearly crippled us to do it but we did it.

In 1997 Labour came back into power. Why the people kept on voting for the Tories during those hard years I'll never know. I suppose Labour must have been doing really badly if the Tories - bankrupting us all and taking away our industries - could still be seen as the better option. With Labour in power things began to change - and fast. It was so exciting. We went from being a poor ex-council house family who'd somehow luckily got our way out to being middle class country house owners. We had money at last. We could buy the things we wanted and do the things we liked to do. Meals out, Saturday shopping trips, good food on the table. When for all my life we'd worried about money, the family was finally able to just enjoy ourselves. And we lived as if we'd been born to it.

I continue on in much the same vain now. I live in a privately rented house in a good area. I have nice clothes and good food and if we're careful with our money we can usually have one treat a week. But I know this isn't where I came from. There are a lot of us working class families living as middle class families. Because that's what Labour gave us. They pulled those of us that it could up out of poverty and taught us a lesson we never want to forget: that anyone can have anything they damn well like regardless of whether they come from money or not.

But then there came the economic crisis (I still hate that phrase!). All that we new-middle-class families held most dear was being threatened. You're telling us we can't have everything we want? Unfortunately, these new families have forgotten where they've come from, forgotten that it was Labour's credit cards and benefit schemes that helped them up and kept them up. Instead they've got high on their own self-belief and now think they can trust a Tory government again. Because they're not poor anymore, they own their own houses that they can barely afford to pay for, and they have big cars and expensive toys bought on credit. It's all just window dressing. And when the Tories come in it's all going to be stripped away. Because the Tories aren't for the average family in the street, they're for the ones with money, the ones born to it.

So they'll take money from the sick and dress it up as stopping those horrid benefit spongers from stealing your hard earned money. They'll refuse pensions to people under the age of sixty-six because elderly people can't help the Tory politicians keep their power. And they'll take child benefit money from the poorest families because they don't care about the poorest or their children. This is the Tory way.

When they get into power at the next election, as everyone is predicting, suddenly the new middle class families will find they're fancy toys and big cars have to go back, that they can't play with the big boys anymore, and they're desperately trying to just hold onto their homes and jobs. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they'll be a new Tory government, one that doesn't shit on the poor and send us all spiralling down into poverty and unemployment. Or maybe the British people will stop moaning about what is and isn't fair and just face up to the fact that we sucked this country dry with our greed and we should stick with Labour to get us out of it, because they at least will think about the whole population and not just the richest.

Or I might look at it selfishly and say that my husband-to-be has a trade, that the work he does is always in demand. That we therefore should always have money coming in at the end of a week. And that if my books do sell - and sell well - then we might climb the ladder ever higher and become one of those families that is well looked after by a Tory government.

I will be voting for Labour come the next election. I will never ever trust my vote to a Conservative party. Whether a national newspaper or the BBC tell me otherwise or not. But I'm just one vote. And right now I'm in a minority.

FEELING: ranty

Sizing Up

2009-10-05T12:03:00.003+01:00

Do you want to hear another story about something that is highly unlikely to happen but actually did happen to me?

Last week I asked in the jewellers about getting my engagement ring re-sized. It spins around and the diamond cuts my pinky finger quite badly sometimes. Probably my fingers had been quite hot when I'd got my finger sized the first time round and when I'd calmed down the ring had been too big. With needing to add a wedding band to the finger I didn't want the engagement ring to be spinning around like a fool underneath/on top of it so went to get it resized.

The guy at the store was very helpful. We had a laugh when the I size ring got stuck on my finger and joked how we'd have to hack my finger off. The ring came off; it just stuck a little on my knuckle. My engagement ring was supposed to be J. That was what I was sized for. When he measured it (the same guy who'd measured me for it in the first place I might add!) he said it was J 1/2. No wonder it was too bloody big! We decided to go a size smaller and do an I 1/2. He took my ring, told me to come back in three hours.

When I picked the ring up I noticed it was still too big. The lady who served me said that maybe that was because my fingers were cold. I agreed, thinking she knew best.

On Saturday Ray and I went looking for wedding rings. We got talking to the same woman, started discussing ring sizes. She measured my engagement ring and to my surprise it was still sized J 1/2. They hadn't resized it at all! Luckily she remembered me and was very sorry and told me she'd get it resized that day for free. We agreed again on size I 1/2. Went back three hours later and popped the ring on. It was snug. Getting it over the knuckle was a bit of a squeeze but once past it held in place. Ray asked her to size it on her sizing-gadget and would you believe it? She'd resized it too small this time. Instead of I 1/2 it was I 1/4. Tired of the whole thing, I said it was fine and headed home.

The ring does still fit. It fits comfortably on my finger, doesn't slide about or do that annoying spinning thing it used to. The only problem I have is that when my fingers get too warm it can feel just that little bit too snug. Why this jewellers can't get their sizes right I'll never know. I sure as hell am not getting any more rings resized there. I'll leave it as it is for now in fear of it weakening and breaking. I'm going to see how the wedding band fits alongside it once we're married and then if it's still annoying me then I might have to get it made that quarter size bigger. I've done some googling and I think it can just be stretched a little to make it bigger if it's only got to go up a quarter/half size, rather than having to add more metal to it.

I just hate my luck with things. If something is going to go wrong then it will, no matter what the odds. We've been able to laugh about it since but standing in that jewellers on Saturday all I wanted to do was cry. I'm starting to worry what disasters are going to befall our wedding day. Maybe that's why we haven't set a date yet ;)

FEELING: crazy

Routines

2009-10-01T14:29:00.003+01:00

For a long time I wanted to change my routine. I get stuck sometimes and the usual daily routine can get me down. Try as I might I could never find a way to mix it up so that it felt fresh. Strangely, losing two of the babies from the house has done the job for me.

I've taken Sweepie for two long walks in the morning and not worried about what time I'll be getting back in, if there'll be enough time to get this done and that done before the next thing has to be completed. I didn't think about the time at all. We just went for a lovely long walk down by the beach and missed Auntie Martha being with us. When I did the cleaning it took up much less time. There's two less to clean up after now and I can really see the difference. I've written when I've wanted to and not forced myself to keep to a schedule. How sad I've felt and the new relaxed routine I've set has made my writing that much better and it's been a pleasure to sit and work for hours on end. I always turn to my writing during a moment of crisis.

It's hard to pinpoint exactly how and why my routine has changed. I could probably list a few things I used to do one way and now do a different way and could probably trace back the reason why. But I don't want to. I feel it would ruin my new outlook. I hate to say that anything positive can come out of losing Martha and Lucien but maybe the shock of it has helped me relax about things that don't need to be stressed about and has made me take stock of things.

The new way of things is starting to feel a bit more normal with every day. The house still feels very empty and the rooms seem much bigger. One of the reasons we got this house was because Martha needed a lot of room to run around in; now she doesn't fill the space it's feeling big and empty. And when we had Lucien he cemented our place here and completed the family. He was the baby of this house, the only one to have been raised entirely here. But I try not to dwell on it too much. This is how it is now. We're all adjusting to the changes.

FEELING: thoughtful

Lucien & Auntie Martha

2009-09-28T09:24:00.002+01:00

Friday morning Lucien didn't come in for his breakfast. This isn't unusual. He's a cat and as much as he likes to be treated like a dog he's not always very good at keeping to the meal-time routine. But I noticed he hadn't come back for the previous night's meal, either. Again, this isn't unusual. He is very friendly with the neighbours (even more so than I realised!) and often sleeps in their houses at night and eats their food when he's hungry. I had a lot of errands to run in town and was back and for to the house a lot. While there I went out the back and called him, spoke to the neighbours but no one had seen him.

I met Jem from work and we decided we'd better take a look around, make sure he hadn't got lost. He's an innocent boy, very silly, and, to be honest, not that bright. He's extremely trusting and just assumes everyone wants to be his friend. I wondered if someone had taken him in and didn't want to let him go again (the neighbours have threatened). We walked the lane behind the house, went up into the grassy verge where he's caught many birds and voles and brought them all proudly home as gifts. There was no sign of him. We thought we'd better walk the main road, just to make sure, although we were confident he wouldn't go near the road. He was too busy playing on the back wall with his friends and going into other people's houses.

On the path next to the main road we found him. He'd been hit by a car. The only solace we could take from it was that he had obviously not suffered, and someone kind had put him off the road after he'd been hit. Strangely, Jem and I were each wearing jumpers. We took them off, wrapped him up and carried him home. We were crushed.

When Ray got home half an hour later I had to break the news to him. Lucien had been his baby first, mine second - he was a Daddy's boy through and through. I was good for drying him off when he came in wet from the rain, cleaning him up, feeding him and telling him not the chew on his sister's legs. We took him to my parents house and buried him in the back garden. I cried throughout. He was so young - only just reaching his first birthday - and I feel as though I didn't protect him properly as a mother should. He was sweet and naughty and loved by everyone who met him. He was just a very sweet little boy. His death was not fair.

Thursday night Martha hurt her leg. We weren't sure how she'd done it, or what exactly she'd done to it. She went to run off in her usual mad way and went down in a heap crying. Ray had to pick her up and put her right again. When she walked off she was only walking on three legs.

The following day she was no better so Daddy came to pick her up to take her to the vets. Ray and I had only just got back from burying Lucien when she hopped past us, happily on another adventure. Sweepie shouted at her to come back and we all told her not to be silly, that Auntie Martha would be back within the hour.

Thirty minutes later Jemma rang in tears. Martha had a bone tumour in her leg and it had rotted away all her bone. If left it would spread to her lungs. There was no saving her; she had to be put to sleep. I must admit: I had a weak moment and had a panic attack in the back room. Ray wrapped his arms around me. He'd only known Martha for three of her eleven years but he loved her as if he'd been there from the start. Because that was the effect Martha had on people. She was pushy and confident and always had to be the centre of attention. We've had visitors from all around the world and every single one of them has fallen in love with Martha, just as she knew they would - and should.

Ray and I bundled Sweepie up into the car, took Martha's two babies (toys she'd stolen from Sweepie and treated as her pups) and went back up to my parents' house. I got to sit with her in the back of the car for a while with Sweepie. I told her off for leaving me in charge now, for giving up, for dying when she'd always promised she'd live forever. Strangely, Sweepie already knew. She was a little confused but on some level she knew, as if Martha had known and had warned her. We buried her by Lucien and prayed that she'd take care of her little nephew and show him the way because he was only small and not very bright.

In the space of two hours our new little family that we made for ourselves here shrunk from six to four. Lucien is the first baby I've lost - my two older children (two black cats) are still happily living with my parents (they've only ever known country life and I didn't want to risk them getting lost so left them with my parents). He no longer sits on the window and shouts for his mammy to open the door and let him in already. Doesn't climb onto the worktops while my back's turned and then flatten his ears at me when I tell him to get down. He had the fluffiest, softest fur and I used to like burying my face in it. He was very affectionate and really did think he was a dog.

Auntie Martha was a person in her own right. She wasn't like a dog at all. Not only was she huge in stature but she was huge in personality. I no longer see her eyes looking up at me for reassurance - something that used to wound Jem's pride: why would she not trust in her mother to protect her first? Her singing voice asking for a walk or for food is no longer ringing through the house. When the door knocks the big booming bark isn't there anymore. She was more than just my neice - she was a friend. She was crazy and loud and obnoxious and silly and rude - she was Auntie Martha to us all.

And now there's only Sweepie left. Little Sweepie who's never been on her own before. We moved her out of the back room in fear she'd be too cold and lonely in the big room. We've settled her into the kitchen, into her own penthouse flat, where she'll be warmer and cosier. She's been very unsettled over the weekend. Barking at the door, waiting for Martha, scanning the back wall for signs of her brother. She still leaves room for him in her bed at night. The house is very quiet and still and we're all still finding the adjustment hard. In time it will start to feel normal. But we'll never forget our two babies: Lucien and Auntie Martha.

FEELING: sad

My Precious

2009-09-25T11:15:00.003+01:00

I'd like to add a disclaimer to the start of this post in case of any confusion: I have not bought a ring yet, I am not making any decisions yet and would prefer it if people did not jump to conclusions about the wedding, and then start telling everyone things they think of as fact. Thank you :)

I've started looking at wedding rings. I am overwhelmed. And would therefore love to hear why people chose their wedding rings, what style it is and which way they wear it - engagement ring on top or bottom?

Apparently it is custom to buy a wedding ring that does not outshine the engagement ring. The engagement ring is the star of the show and should therefore be left to shine. The wedding ring is meant to accompany it as a set. I didn't know that was the rule. Having been given a beautiful, perfect, dainty engagement ring that was in no way garish or over the top I don't know if I'd know how to make it a star ;)

To remind you (and me, as I'm missing it like crazy right now cos it's gone to get resized again - I think my finger shrunk) what it looks like:

I know a lot of girls think of the engagement ring as the big ring, the most important. I didn't. The fact that Ray picked it out, deliberated over it and finally bought it makes it more special to me. But the wedding ring is the one that will symbolise our love and I will wear it forever. Plus I get to chose it this time. And I am not good at making decisions.

A big part of me would love some bling. The three-stone rings are gorgeous and sparkley. I think it would look really good next to my little engagement ring because, as I've said, the wedding ring for me is the star. It would be my piece of bling ;) I'm really not sure our budget could stretch to it, though...

Another ring I've seen and like the look of is the one with three smaller stones, with the band having a twist to it. There's something about the twist that I like. But would a twisted band look good next to a straight band? The stones are more conservative than the first one but still sparkle :)

Then there's this ring, which is another favourite. It has less of a dramatic twist and has gorgeous little diamonds running around it. I've seen half-eternity rings that cannot get this style right - this ring has got it right. At the moment, for our budget, I think this style is the front runner.

Then there's the question of which way round I wear it. I was under the impression you wore the wedding band on top of the engagement ring... not so. So as much as the big three-stone ring would look great on top I don't think it would on the bottom. But the band-style rings would look great on the bottom.

I know that obviously I can do whatever I want. Wear whatever ring I like in whatever place I want to. And, ultimately, me being a stubborn mule, I will do exactly as I like. But I'd love to hear what other people think. What factors did you take into account? And do you prefer your engagement ring to your wedding ring?

FEELING: fab

The Day ODST Dropped

2009-09-23T11:27:00.003+01:00

For those who don't know: the new Halo game was released yesterday - ODST.

As I'm sure I've mentioned many times before, Ray is obsessed with the Halo universe. He has all the games, books and many of the toys. So, naturally, with a new game coming out he made sure to pre-order it well in advance. I also persuaded him to take the day off work so he could play the game all day like the proper nerd he used to be before real life took over ;)

He ordered the special edition version, which came with a fancy Halo ODST controller. For a while there I worried it wouldn't arrive on time. The postman came at 9 and delivered a book for Jem but no game. But, just as Ray was starting to panic, the game came by courier and excitement ensued.

We curled up on the sofa together after our showers and some breakfast. Ray read through the booklet first... which I must admit got a bit boring for me ;)

Before finally starting the game. A mini review for you: the graphics are beautiful. Some of the guns look even better than in Halo 3 - especially the red plasma Elite gun: truly beautiful. Although I was just watching (no one is allowed to play the game until Ray has exhausted it ;D) the gameplay looked good. I quizzed Ray on the feel of it, on how different the trooper felt to MasterCheif, etc. Ray really enjoyed it, which is enough to tell me that it must be good. He wasn't overly keen on the Halo 3 story and thought the campaign was too short. It was very much hyped up and I think it just didn't live up to expectations. ODST has had much less hype, has actually been talked down by the creators, and I think that's done it good. It looks good, plays well and has a really strong story-line too.

Aside from the game we ate a lot of cheese-spread on toast and KitKats, and drank lots of tea and coke. We had a proper slobby day. And we were home alone. Jem's started a floristry course so was away in college until after lunch, which made the day that extra bit sweeter. Without your housemate there you can kiss loudly and keep confessing love for one another without someone gagging in the corner of the room hehe ;)

Ray's co-worker rang to check up on him and Ray couldn't get him off the phone ;) How pretty does the living-room look? I have no idea what the screenshot of the game is... it could be the map mode or the audio files section, which is a sub-story you can collect throughout the game.

Of course we did have someone playing chaperone for us... Sweepie. The Pug loves to cuddle so she was extremely happy with the fact that we were curled up on the sofa. She positioned herself in between us, as always, and spent most of the day happily snoozing; waking up only to hoover the crumbs we dropped during our grazing. Towards the end of the afternoon she started to get a bit bored. Then she got a bit jealous. As much as she supposedly doesn't like her father, she grew quite jealous of the fact that he had something else on his lap other than her...

Ray finished the game at 6:30pm. It took him about eight hours to complete on the Normal setting. He went straight onto play it on Legendary ;)

So it was a really nice day. Not only was the game great and not a disappointment, it was also really nice to have Ray home from work during the week and to be able to curl up on the sofa with him and not think about anything. No worries about bills, no worries about having to visit people, no errands to run... just sitting on the sofa enjoying a really good game eating lots of lovely food with my fiance. Perfect :)

FEELING: hungry

Magic Beans of Poo

2009-09-21T09:13:00.004+01:00

There are bad sides to living so close to the beach.

The tourists. The very strong winds. The sea-gulls. I can't say the first two have any good points but I've found the latter does. Not only does it squawk early in the morning, poo on your windows and washing, try and steal food from you... it also, through its plentiful poo, spread seeds.

A seagull pooed a magic bean into our crappy paved front garden. Somehow that bean went down beneath the slabs and about a month later we found this beauty outside our front door...

A sunflower! How lucky are we to have accidentally had a sunflower grow in our garden? It's growing larger and larger by the day. It now stands even taller than me - and I am the tallest of the three of us when in my two-inch heels ;) People walk by and stop and point. Often we look out the window and see random people just standing outside our house discussing the sunflower. One of these days I'm going to erect a sign that says Borne from seagull poo. And when it's dark and the shadow of the plant plays across the window it can often look like the creepy plant from Little Shop of Horrors (Jem, don't click that link: it's scary :/). But we love our sunflower, our magic bean, and hope that one day it will grow all the way up to the sky, to the giant's land that lives up there. Isn't that when we're meant to get rich? I don't remember the magic bean story very well ;)

FEELING: happy

I Love You

2009-09-16T15:35:00.002+01:00

Because I don't want to talk about real life...

I have two big crushes at the moment. The first being the one and only Mr John Lennon. I fell in love with John when I was fourteen years old and I think my obsession with him has grown and grown over the years. I can go very girlie and silly over John. This is one of my favourite pictures taken during the filming of one of my favourite albums, "Revolver". I think it's great that as a Beatles fan you get to pick your favourite year(s) in their career and just fixate on it without having to worry about the parts you don't like. This is slap bang in the middle of my favourite era.

My second crush - and is quickly over-taking my first - is the TV show "Red Dwarf". I used to watch it when I was younger, when it used to be on on a Friday night on BBC2. When it got axed I didn't see it anymore. I started dating Ray in 2006 and he mentioned his love for the show. So I started buying him the DVD's. They came back with a new show last year and it was really, really good. During that comeback I developed a crush on Chris Barrie (the guy on the left). Yes, I know he's Rimmer, the annoying one, but there's just something so sexy about him now he's older ;) I spend my evenings lying in bed listening to the cast commentaries he and other cast members have done for all the old series's of the show. He has a lovely voice ;)

I was hoping Ray and I might be able to go to the Red Dwarf convention but by the time I found out about it it was already too late. We haven't got any money saved for it and it's happening next month. Next year if I still have my crush I think we'll have to attend and I can pretend Chris secretly fancies the pants off me but can't do anything about it cos we're both married ;)

I love crushes. For a long time I didn't have any. I was too smitten with Ray to really want any one else. But now that we've rolled on through the third year my crushes on celebs has returned and I have to admit I really like having an obsession again :)

FEELING: silly

Just Life

2009-09-14T10:55:00.004+01:00

I got my jeans finally on Saturday. I went into the next town along and got the same jeans from the same shop but a different store. I tugged on the buttons and they stayed put. I even got them reduced by five pounds cos the shop was having a sale. The change paid for the car park and a bar of chocolate ;) Ray bought The Day The Earth Stood Still, which was just so boring. The acting was very bad as well. I usually like Keanu Reeves's wooden style but it just didn't work this time, especially not with Jennifer Connelly playing opposite him. They can both only play one style of character and together it just didn't work. And who the hell was that annoying child? It was just a very poor film.

I've decided I want to go home for Christmas. We'd already decided to go back there for the big Christmas Lunch this year. Selfishly, it saves us all money, but really it's cos I just like being at home with my family during the holidays. I asked if we could stay over night Christmas Eve so we could wake up Christmas morning with them and they were so excited by the idea. So we're all trundling up to my parents' house Christmas Eve. We're going to get drunk, eat lots of food and basically chill out and be away from our own house and our own lives and just be guests. Life's always easier as a guest, isn't it? ;)

And yesterday we had our last BBQ of the summer. I doubt this lovely warm weather is going to last much longer so we took advantage. It also served as a belated birthday BBQ for Daddy, whose birthday was Tuesday. And who could not go up on his balloon ride for the third time because the weather conditions weren't right!

FEELING: blah

District 9

2009-09-10T10:07:00.005+01:00

I went to see District 9 last night, and was left quite traumatised.

The trailers don't show what the film is really like, which is a sort of fly-on-the-wall style documentary. It is shot in real time with bouncy hand-held cameras, which just makes it seem that much more real.

I know the concept is alien, it's sci-fi, and a lot of people immediately dismiss that as unrealistic and something that's just a bit silly. I am a big fan of sci-fi so I have no problem enjoying films that depict aliens coming to earth. But this film... this film showed it in a completely new way. It wasn't that clean, sterile look, it wasn't aliens with superior technology come to kick our butts. It was very real, very raw and very disturbing at times. I know it was the torture parts that upset me the most (I do not handle scenes like that very well at all) but the overall feel of the film was very dark, very down and very scary. Not scary because it was "aliens" but because of the humans in the film.

I can't really explain how good this film was because a part of me would never want to see it again because I don't want to be left feeling that sick and sad again. But another part of me thinks it was probably one of the best films I've ever seen to have caused such strong reactions in me. I highly reccomend it whether you're a sci-fi fan or not cos this film does not feel sci-fi at all.

"District 9" was funny, scary, traumatising, sickening, heart-felt, touching, upsetting - it was the full spectre of human emotions! Go and see this film immediately!

FEELING: impressed

It Could Only Happen To Me

2009-09-08T15:32:00.004+01:00

Let me tell you a story about the time I bought a pair of jeans from Debenhams.

Last Wednesday afternoon I went to the local shopping centre with Jem in the hope of purchasing some Jeans. In the second shop we tried I found the perfect pair. They had the cute double-buttons design, which I love, and were a lovely dark colour. They fit perfectly and I just adored them.

I got them home, tried them on to show Ray and the second button popped off. Not in a comedy I'm-too-fat way; the button just came off. I was pissed but just put it down to one of those things. If something daft is going to happen it's going to happen to me.

The following night I took them back and picked up the same size and leg-length jeans off the rack and just did a straight swap. Put them on the following day to find that the leg was too short. Although they were clearly marked - tag and all - that they were regular length they were in fact short. So I had to go back again!

Got the right size, tried them on, everything was fine. I put them on on Sunday morning and pop! the second button came off in my hand again. Now this could have just been a coincidence except that when I swapped my first pair of jeans a girl behind the till said she was "good at fixing things" and started pushing the button to try and get it back on. Now, with jeans buttons you need a machine to fix them on cos they have that pin thing running through the middle so she couldn't have fixed them by hand. Stupid girl obviously thought she had and went and put them back on the rack! What were the odds of me picking them up again?

When I took them back for the third time I told the girl - typically it was a super sweet girl who'd been lovely to me in the changing rooms every time I'd visited so I couldn't even shout at her! - that I didn't even want to try for another pair. She said she totally understood and gave me my money back.

I've done a small search for another pair of jeans and have not found any. Now I am very tempted to go back and try one last time to see if I can find those jeans in the right leg-length and with no faulty buttons. It would be crazy of me to try that shop again but I really can't find any good jeans anywhere. I fear I may have fallen in love with damaged goods...

FEELING: tired

Fightstar @ Youth4Youth

2009-09-07T12:26:00.003+01:00

Saturday night I went down to Bristol to see Fightstar perform at the Youth4Youth day-festival. I was expecting a field of mud and lots of pre-teens. I was right about the pre-teens. They in fact performed in a car park!

The festival actually took place all day but we didn't even leave Wales until gone six o'clock. We didn't like the idea of standing through a long list of unsigned teenage bands so made sure we arrived late in the night. Luckily, after getting lost, we got there at about eight o'clock and so only had to wait an hour and a half. Some dancing policemen amused me for a while ;)

Fightstar came on at about 9:30pm, which meant we were only going to get a thirty minute set. The tickets were only a fiver so we couldn't complain too much about the short set ;) They did most of my favourites. Probably played a few too many off the new album for my liking but that's only cos I'm not keen on the new stuff. They played some good oldies to keep me happy and because the audience were mostly babies who didn't really know what to expect from Fightstar they cleared a good space so I was able to get some good photos and enjoy a dance.

And a video, which is a bit quiet and a bit wobbly cos I was dancing hehe.

It was a fun night. I really have missed taking photos at the gigs. I haven't done it in ages cos I'm usually squashed up against a bar and unable to lift my arms as I'm using them to stop my breasts from getting crushed against the fence ;) I think I'm bored of the getting-crushed-gigs now. Maybe it's cos I'm getting old ;)

FEELING: ill

Hacked

2009-09-05T10:45:00.002+01:00

Someone hacked Ray's email last night and in doing so was able to take over his gamertag/profile on xbox-live.

There he was happily playing his new game ("Trials"), which he had literally just downloaded the full copy of the game. To rub salt into the wound, Ray had bought microsoft points that evening when we'd been out and he never ever buys points cos we can't really afford them and the new games. So he'd been playing the game for maybe twenty minutes when suddenly the xbox-live signed him out. Said he had invalid account. After some googling I found out that this meant someone had accessed his profile on another console. Some more googling said that meant someone had hacked his email.

Sure enough, when we tried to log him in at hotmail (they are the ones connected to xbox-live) his password had been changed. When we tried his secret-question answer that had also been changed. So we couldn't get into the email to change the password and therefore couldn't retrieve his stolen gamertag/profile on xbox-live.

Ray got onto the phone with xbox-live who were super helpful. He talked to the fraud squad and the management - it was all very quick and very helpful. They talked him through what to do with hotmail. We got contact back from them but that was just another form to fill in. So far we haven't heard anything new. Typically this happened on a Friday night. I'm sure I read somewhere that hotmail barely work on the weekends? We'll have to wait and see.

The worst case scenario is that we'll have to pay for a new subscription for xbox-live and Ray will have to get all his achievements back through game-play. Best case is that hotmail reinstate his email and send him a new password and he can retrieve his gamertag on xbox-live. He'll lose the points he just bought but they do apparently give you 600points as good-will gesture, which isn't far off what he had left after purchasing the Trials game. We're not really fussed about that to be honest. I just want him to have his xbox-live back. He loves his xbox stuff. Sure he can live without it if he has to but he works damn hard all day and if he wants to unwind in front of his xbox console then I think he should be allowed to.

Anyway, all we can do is wait now. And maybe pray a little ;)

FEELING: annoyed