Journey to Awakening

Giving to the Community

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 19:49:00 +0000

Ok, it's time to get back to posting.

I've been wondering what to do with myself. I've considered returning to classes at Ashford University and finishing my degree in psychology, but at the same time, I'm still drawn to monastic vocations. I've had numerous "revelations" over the last year in the way I see things, particularly from a spiritual point of view. The world is going through some very tough times, and I've been considering how I fit into all this. Or, how I want to fit into all this.

I have several options right now. I can do either Tarot or spiritual consulting/coaching now. I can finish my degree and start a professional counseling practice. I can go straight into a seminary, or wait until after my foundation in psychology is finished (probably a better plan). I can also teach, and some of the things I've come to understand lately would lend themselves wonderfully to workshops and lectures. The bottom line is that I now need to honor a deep desire to give back to the community in some way.

I've always enjoyed Tarot and found it to be very helpful in counseling people. The Free Tarot Network is extremely useful in that regard -- one gets tons of experience while building up a clientele. Maybe that would be a good way to start. That's something I can do while studying psychology, too. I think I'll get back on the Network now and see how it goes.

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Mon, 19 May 2008 17:02:00 +0000

While reading about the Ishaya monks, I downloaded and listened to one of their introductory talks. Somewhere around the middle of the recording, I heard what I took to be music, albeit seemingly poorly recorded. I could hear crickets in the background of what sounded like a choir of human voices making "La" or "Ah" sounds in progressive chords, much like a church hymn. The whole thing was strangely "noisy" sounding, but also rather haunting. It was then the person on the recording spoke up and said,

What you are hearing is the recording of crickets. There are two tracks. One is played at regular speed and the other is a slowed-down version.... The sounds are slowed down to the equivalent of a human lifespan. What you are hearing are the crickets only. No instruments or voices are added.

I have sincerely never heard anything so amazing in my life.

Lost & Wandering

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 19:54:00 +0000

I don’t know how long this will last, but grief has depths to it that I had never imagined. It’s strange when death stares one in the face for the first time -- at least, it’s so strange to me. I’ve known people who have passed away, but it never changed my life so completely.

My father lived in this house with us for the last twelve years. When he helped us find this house, he made sure it was large enough so that he could make a good chunk of it into “in-law quarters” for themselves, and we thought it was a great idea. Not only did it help us get into our own home (which we probably would have never been able to do on our own), but he brought our family together. To do so, he and my mom both gave up their own little house in Oregon for a much smaller living space. He did this only to help us, with no thought for himself.

I’ve always been grateful to him for that, but of course, probably not enough. We had disagreements and outright fights because we were so much alike -- both struggling with inner emotional demons and afraid of being vulnerable. That fear kept us from connecting, although the last few years were the best. If it had been possible for him to live another 10 or 20 years, we may have grown to be best friends.

So, how does this relate in any way to my eventual enlightenment? I’ve been asking myself this for some time, and so far, I’ve come up with this: There is absolutely nothing here on the physical plane that lasts. Nothing. Not relationships, and certainly not “things.” Nothing here really means anything.

This is not a nihilistic point of view. It’s simply the truth. There’s nothing here that offers anything but temporary happiness, and temporary happiness is, in my opinion, not worth that much. After all, how can one be happy knowing that it will eventually end? That knowledge pollutes any sense of happiness, always adding a “bittersweet” quality that destroys any hope of peace.

The trick, then is to find out what does last. If life after death is a reality, and I believe it is, what is it that’s permanent?

This is where spiritual teachers have often answered with, “Love.” Love does transcend the boundaries of death, because my love for my father hasn’t ended with his death. So, for him, assuming he’s still aware, the love from his daughter hasn’t changed for him. If anything, I appreciate him more now because I’m painfully aware of how much he did for me while he was here. And if he’s still aware, I have no doubt his love for me is still intact.

The problem is, I don’t know what to do with this knowledge. It doesn’t seem to make any of this any easier.

I know I’m going to be struggling to make sense of this for a long while to come yet.

Requiem

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 20:00:00 +0000

I apologize to the world for not blogging until now. Things got a bit busy in November and December, and then tragedy struck when my father passed away on December 27, 2007. He had just turned 84 on Christmas Eve, and went relatively peacefully during an emergency heart operation. My life has been turned inside out.

My father and I had an intense relationship, one built on the dance of two strong wills fighting for understanding from each other that we never quite got. Happily, I can say that I think we reached a truce in these last few years, thanks to years of the study of psychology on my end, and the addition of antidepressants on his. My heightened understanding and empathy for the events that made him who he was (the lack of a mother to raise him, no stability, extreme poverty, and the belief instilled him during The Great Depression that a man's personal worth is assessed only by how much money he can provide for his family), along with his being relieved of the constant burden of the painful emotions that kept him imprisoned for most of his life, made for a tenuous rope bridge between our two cliffs that allowed us to finally meet in the middle occasionally. Of course, it wasn't enough.

It's widely universal, I read, that when a child loses a parent, there is always a feeling like not enough was said or done before it was too late. It is a sorry state for humans to find themselves in -- always knowing there is more we can do to make each other happy, but never getting around to doing it. Even though I was aware that my father's health was failing, a part of me was terrified to commit more time, as if that alone would have made his impending passing more immanent. I was very aware that I would regret the decisions I made to stay away, based on fear of intimacy, yet I didn't change my behavior. And now he's left the physical world, off on the Great Adventure we all will one day embark upon, and there is no way for me to be heard when I yell, I didn't get to say, "I love you, Daddy!" nearly enough.

What are we so afraid of that we don't connect with people while we can? Or, more apt, what am *I* afraid of? The regret I feel is far worse than any vulnerability I might feel by connecting with another human being on an intimate level. For some reason, I chose this excruciating regret over the chance to get to know someone who became one of the most wonderful men I've ever known.

Grief is new territory for me. I've never experienced such bottomless pain. The psychologist in me stays a bit detached, observing with morbid fascination how being halfway orphaned is redefining who I thought I was. The part of me that had always viewed and understood myself as a child of two loving parents has also died. In a way, I grieve not only for my father, but also for my own childhood self.

But I can already see that my empathy for others in pain has grown a hundredfold. If nothing else, I will attempt to embrace this traumatic initiation for others. For those who someday come to me for counsel, my father has given me the gift of understanding through experience. Before this, I only thought I understood the grief process. I didn't. No, reading about and experiencing are by far too very different things.

Acknowledging one's shortcomings is very different from feeling sorry for oneself and getting mired in self-pity. I see now how important it is to reach out to other human beings because there is only a limited amount of time in which we're allowed to do so. And inevitably, the lack of doing so causes a searing regret.

Are You Remembering?

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 04:04:00 +0000

The alchemical gold is truly doing wonders. It's after midnight, and I have an incredible amount of mental energy in me still. I need to go to bed, or else I won't be able to keep up on homework. Then again, I'm not really tired in the mornings. It seems the more "awake" I become, the less sleep I need.

[Duh?]

There is no doubt about it -- the alchemical gold is speeding my awakening. At least, that's what it seems like when I compare how I think, and what I think about, as opposed to only about a week ago. My priorities have shifted to making sure I cause less pain in the world, while making the biggest difference I can in each moment to tip the scales toward the experience of Love.

I SO don't want to come off sounding like some New-Age Crystal-Weenie Cupcake Wiccan who has discovered Silver Ravenwolf's books for the first time and is telling all her "Ya-Ya Sistahs" about the latest article in Llewellyn Magazine on psychic cats. (That would sound so judgmental if it didn't fit so exactly the description of eight different people I currently know or have once known.)

This is such a powerful feeling! It's not that I feel a "connection" with others at all. That's still a foreign experience to me. Instead, it's a knowing that helping and protecting someone else clearly makes just as much sense as does taking care of myself. It's not a matter of feeling guilty if I don't; it's not an effort at all right now. The concern for others at this level is being experienced as What Is. I guess the best way to describe this is a shift in perception, which is precisely a shift in reality itself.

So now I feel bigger than I was. Or, rather, I'm awake over a larger "distance." Nothing like I'd imagine being completely awake would be -- not at all! It's as if my heart has been turned on. It feels like, in retrospect, that my heart chakra was only running on about 3 out of 8 cylinders. And it still may in the end turn out to be a 12-cylinder turbo with nitrous fuel injection, but still, it's a measurable difference to me.

For some reason I'm feeling slightly Byronic, so I'm aware that one possible "real truth" is this: even if we do end up destroying our beautiful emerald and azure planet, at least we will have caught a fleeting glimpse of the impossible beauty of what it had once been, and like in the movie, Ladyhawke, when the two lovers are "granted" that momentary painful glimpse of their beloved before losing them again, as that which we cannot have burns permanently in our memory before it disappears completely from our senses forever.

But human emotion is ours to paint and play with,
not to grasp it and to become it.
We can break this spell.

We Are the Earth!

The Thorn in My Heart

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 20:56:00 +0000

I go back and forth. Sometimes when I read the real news -- not the stuff on CNN(t) or Focks -- but the stuff in the science journals online, I feel a piercing pain in my heart at what we're doing to our planet. What the news doesn't report is that we're smack in the middle of a mass extinction. Not just our own, but that of millions of other species, as well. As human beings, we've made some terribly selfish decisions throughout our time inhabiting this world, and now, when it's far too late to undo most of the damage, word is leaking out to those who look for it.

Besides the "Sixth Great Extinction," as it's being called, there's the fact that we're somehow losing the earth's magnetic field. It's going haywire, and no one really knows why. Without this field, all earth on this planet will die. ALL of it. It's showing signs of collapse as I write this.

Then there's the threat of nuclear annihilation, thanks to our idiot of a president.

Yet sometimes I look at all this and the dream isn't there, as if there's a part of me that knows everything is going to be just fine. Death of the physical body is, and has been for quite some time, nothing that I'm concerned about. I've been out of my body before, and I know that I inhabit a body. If we're stupid enough to destroy this beautiful planet, and it appears that indeed we are, we will just continue life in a non-physical form. So why, then, do I see our impending annihilation as sad? Because it IS. It's a waste, and our actions were based on selfishness, ignorance, and fear. Those three things are far more destructive to us than what we're doing to Mother Earth. Those three things are exactly what we need to overcome to move from being merely human to being something much more, and we're failing miserably as a species.

I do have hope, though. There are some that say the Earth is reacting to our state of consciousness, and that once we make that quantum leap into enlightenment, all will be transformed. Heaven on Earth, they say. Do I believe that? I don't know -- it doesn't really matter what I or anyone else believes, because what will happen will happen. No one is screaming at us to believe that the sun will rise tomorrow morning; it either will or it won't. All we can do is awaken, look around us, and see what we've done. Then we need to accept it, in all it's horror, with all the love we can manage. What the result of that will be I have no idea, but I know that it's exactly what we need to do now.

When did my mysticism go from wanting personal enlightenment to seeing that the world as a whole needs it far more than I do?

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 22:56:00 +0000

Musings on Comet Holmes

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 14:34:00 +0000

I've been watching Comet Holmes for a few days now. It's quite a strange object -- in a matter of 72 hours, it expanded in size a million times. You can see the latest shots at The Astronomy Picture of the Day, and some good shots can be found on Brian May's site here. (Yes, THE Brian May, guitarist of Queen.)

I've been fascinated about this comet ever since I heard about it. I'm not one to believe in Armageddon, Doomsday, etc., but I find it intriguing that I recently read that Nostradamus made a prediction about something he called "The King of Terror in the Sky," which his followers say is the only prediction that has yet to come true, and at the time I read that (last week), no one knew what it could refer to.

This particular comet has been through here before, however. It's just odd that it's blown up to the size it has in just a few hours, and no one seems to know why. Another interesting tidbit is the appearance of it -- there's no tail, the center is green, and the corona, or fuzz around it, is gold. Comets don't normally have tails, anyway, until they come close to our sun, but they also don't show a tail if it's pointed directly away from us. THAT would not be good news, as that would mean we're in its direct path.

There are a lot of fun things to think about here. If those who believe in Ascension are right, then our species will soon move to a higher (fourth?) dimension, which implies we don't need our physical bodies, anyway. Another view , according to those at the Intention Experiment, is that we can collectively change the course of the comet by our group focus.

Yet another group is toying with the idea that this is an alien spacecraft. According to some, we're scheduled to meet our "galactic neighbors" by 2012.

And I seem to remember reading something about a prediction about "two suns" in the sky....

Or, this could just be a comet that's going to come by here and then go away, much like Hale-Bopp did a few years ago. As always, time will tell. (At least in this dimension.)

The Star of Destiny

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 04:26:00 +0000

And now, possibly, the end is nearing. Is it the Last Day of Judgment? Our day of Doom? Or the Awakening of the Golden Age? What is this??

Our reality is what we make of us. Will our planet's beings come together in united Love and Oneness, or will we fall apart in fear?

What will you do?

Go Google Comet Holmes now, and remember:

LOVE IS THE CREATOR, AND YOU ARE LOVE!

I've Discovered the Stone

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 21:43:00 +0000

It appears that what I've been searching for was simply a raise in my vibration. I say "simply" because this is exactly what's happened recently, and all else has fallen exquisitely into place.

About a month ago, I "just happened" to come upon a website while searching about the topic of alchemy called Zero-Point Technologies. The name itself caught my eye because of the recent reading I've been doing about the Zero-Point field in physics, which is the Holy Grail that combines modern science and ancient mysticism.

The folks at ZPTech are modern alchemists, and they have, indeed, discovered the Philosopher's Stone. To say anymore about this amazing discovery would only be to duplicate what is already on their website, so I direct the reader there to learn more.

But briefly, I purchased and began trying a product they make called "Zynergy," which is monatomic gold. At first, this substance served only to make me extremely tired, but after watching the videos on their site and combining that with my own knowledge of alchemy, I stuck it out.

I've since worked up to using the powder, and that's when everything changed.

There is absolutely no way to put this into words, at least not sufficiently. I can say that I have more energy now than I ever had, even as a child, but this is not a "wired" kind of energy. This is most definitely Life Energy.

My thoughts lately are of a higher "vibration" -- I'm aware of negative thoughts now as a feeling of density, which is less desirable than the feeling of emotions that are of higher frequencies, which feel more ... and here I can't find the appropriate word ... ephemeral(?) Or, maybe "lighter," while also being quite pleasant. It's not so much a physical feeling as it is something between physical and intuitive. This is completely new to me!

Most of the breaks between entries of this blog have been due to what my doctors have called fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, the latter of which is by far the most debilitating for me. I prefer to be active, as most people born under my sun sign, Aries, seem to be. "To Be Is To DO!" And when I can't DO things, I tend to become depressed. This is the way I've been feeling until this last week.

Of course, it's quite early to make a scientific declaration that this remarkable recovery is due to the alchemical substance I'm taking, so I'll continue to share whatever happens as I keep experimenting with it.

In the meantime, those of you who have been following my Journey to Awakening because you, too, are on the same journey, I beg you to watch the two videos that are available from ZPTech's website, which I've embedded here.

Even if you're not interested in alchemy, and even if you have no intention to ingesting metals for any reason, I still highly recommend watching these videos for the extraordinary information they contain about some fascinating little-known ancient history.

Psychic abilities also seem to becoming a reality. FINALLY! I'll share more about that later.

Can Ya FEEEEEEEEEL it?

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Sun, 21 Oct 2007 22:21:00 +0000

I can feel the Earth shifting even more now. Or something on it shifting. It seems the energy around me is much tighter now.

I have no idea when I first starting realizing that I could feel energy. Probably shortly after I learned Reiki, which was only a few years ago. Now it really does seem “normal,” whatever that is. When I place my hands on someone to heal them, my palms get very hot, and after a few seconds, the person I’m working on inevitably tells me they can feel something warm working deep in the tissues. It’s amazing that more people don’t learn how to do this. Absolutely anyone can, and I’m not convinced that one needs to be “attuned” to the energy by another Reiki practitioner. I would think that anyone who intends to push healing energy through their hands can do so. It’s apparently quite natural for human beings to be able to do that.

Some of the authors of the websites I’ve been reading say this Earth energy shift has been going on for some time, but the first time I noticed it was earlier this year. Today is the first time that it’s been really noticeable to me. I feel like there is a real air of expectancy, like something about to happen. (Then again, isn’t there always something about to happen?)

I’m aware of a great deal of crap out there on this topic, too. I don’t place much trust in all of the talk of Pleiadians, Arcturians, Osirians, Greys, etc., although I’m actually not doubting their possible existence. But if aliens were talking through me, I don’t think I’d jump up and make a floofy website crowded with space graphics and lots of purple (as they all seem to be) containing all their proclamations without putting something on there saying, “I know this sounds unbelievable and ridiculous, but here is what happened to me. Feel free to disregard all of this because I certainly would in your position.” Instead, there are never any explanations as to how they got this material, what they thought when they themselves started getting these messages, etc. That subtle difference makes their claims seem extremely dubious to me.

Anyway, my journey right now is focusing on experiments in alchemy. I’ll write more on this later, but know for now there there is, indeed, such a thing as the Philosopher’s Stone, and ingesting it causes all sorts of odd things to happen to one. I’m hoping this might do the trick of strengthening the “Light Body” (something that some physicists have now confirmed exists within us) enough to help my evolution keep pace with that of the Earth’s. I believe that whatever this “shift” is, it may be hard on those who aren’t prepared. Of course, I don’t know this for a fact; it’s just an intuitive feeling.

I tend to trust my intuition a great deal these days.

Please stay tuned....

Kriyas

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 22:09:00 +0000

It's wonderful to have YouTube. Finally, the ancient esoteric "mystery" teachings are within easy reach of anyone, no longer held secret from the masses. The planet is indeed awakening, and it's hard for me to understand those who say they have no idea what I'm talking about.

I've been hit with strong fatigue lately, so I haven't been able to write much. This will change soon, I feel. For now, however, I'd like to share a video of what kriyas look like. I'd only read about them before this, so I found this fascinating.

Briefly, kriyas are uncontrollable automatic, fluid bodily movements that happen in some people once the kundalini energy is awakened. People have been known to spontaneously speak in Sanskrit, do mudras, and go into advanced yoga moves. Awakening the kundalini gives one all manner of spiritual "powers," such as precognition, the ability to manifest easily, access to previously hidden (to oneself) knowledge, etc.

Think Outside the Circle!

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 04:09:00 +0000

A friend asked me today what it is that he needs to "do" in order to "get enlightened." The following is my attempt at describing my understanding, which is based on my own experience.

Let me see if I can splain....

What you need to do is to get underneath all the thinking. The best way to do that is mindfulness meditation. Have you done that before? A really good way to start is by following your breath, but in a specific way. You breathe in for, say, four counts, and then immediately breathe out for four counts. [The actual number you use is not important, so long as it's the same for both the inhalation and the exhalation]. Then, without a pause, breathe in again. This is called "consciously connected breathing." By not pausing between the in and out breaths, you force yourself to stay aware of the present moment, because pausing is what comes naturally. If you can maintain this for at least 15 minutes a day (twice a day would be better), this would start slowing you down enough to see through some of the static.

The reason you want to be present, in the now, and not listening to the static is because the thing that YOU ARE is what is AWARE of the static. You want to dissociate from the thoughts that you currently think are you. Once you disconnect from the noise in your head, you realize that ALL your experiences, all your feelings, ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING that comes to you through your senses is warped into something it's not by the continual commentary going on in your head. Disconnect from the commentary, and you find out that you've never, ever really seen the real world at all -- all you've ever seen and experienced are your reactions to the world.

My friend then replied:

You see, my problem is that that is precisely what all people who've achieved enlightenment say.. you already have it. But that's never helped me. I *believe* them, and I believe you, but I don't know what I'm supposed to *do* to reach some point where I can say yep, I felt it.

I know exactly what you mean, so I won't tell you that. There IS something you need to do, not to "become" enlightened, but to become aware that you are enlightened. You could be Jesus Christ, but if you don't know it, you're not going to do anyone any good. If you really want to know the answer to this one, you're going to have to work on dissociating from your thoughts.

This is what I meant before. Is it accurate to say you got a glimpse of it, and now it's gone?

No, not quite. It's not gone at all. It's just that the static is back and I need to continually work at staying present (meaning, I need to work at staying dissociated from my thoughts). It's not anywhere near as hard as it used to be. And occasionally, if I allow myself to get overwhelmed by a powerful emotion, I go unconscious again just like everyone else. A fully enlightened person doesn't get overwhelmed by emotions anymore, which are all part of the static.

Think of it this way. Draw a circle and fill it with all the words and pictures you can think of that represent your thoughts and feelings. If you were to do this literally, that circle would be pretty full, and it would take a looooong time to complete. Now, that circle is your mind.

Now put a dot in the center. That's the awareness of all that "stuff." Normally, that little dot's identity (awareness) gets tied up with all the crap in that circle. It forgets that it's its own little "being" sitting calmly and peacefully, right there in the middle. But the thoughts are always pressing down on it, irritating it, making it think this and think that, or feel this and feel that. The dot gets confused, and has to relate to the world around it by peering through all the crap in the circle.

Now bear with me because I'm going to try to put this awesome experience into words....

If you practice mindfulness meditation, like following your breath or just being in the moment, some of the static dies down. It would look like a circle with fewer words in it. The circle begins to clear a bit because, at least for a little while, you're not actively "feeding" all that stuff and keeping it "alive." Now there's some space between the words in the circle. So, now, the "awareness dot" in the middle begins to become aware of space AS WELL AS the thoughts! That space, to the dot, is "empty." In other words, nothing is "happening." The dot can just sit there, being aware of itself for a change. When the awareness-dot isn't listening to the static (thoughts), it's just being.

THAT IS THE KEY.

After some practice at just being aware, NOW, something very cool happens. At some point, it realizes that it's still aware during the spaces IN BETWEEN the thoughts. Before now, it was only EVER aware of thoughts, so it had no way to know that it could exist without them. Suddenly, not being aware of thoughts means that it's aware of nothing in particular. Now, it realizes it's awareness itself, and not the thoughts. That's the moment of dissociation that shows you you're completely free.

Out in the Field

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 23:30:00 +0000

It is amazing how many discoveries have been made in science in the last seven years that, if widely known, would completely revolutionize life on this planet -- not just how we live life, but also our understanding it. It's enough to cause complete and utter denial, which is exactly what's happened to the more conservative members of the scientific community itself.

The Zero-Point Field has been proven. We are surrounded by a magical ether that carries all information that ever is and ever was, all in the form of holographic interference patterns. Furthermore, light (photons) have been shown to be emitted by the human body, and water in which not one molecule of a medicinal substance can be found (although the same water held that substance in the past) can affect amazing homeopathic cures. One major discovery after another is being uncovered, yet all CNN can "report" is that there have been a few thousand of "our" people killed in Iraq (a staggering underestimation...er,...lie). Add to this the fact that there is now ample evidence and testimony from reputable government officials that not only was the AIDS epidemic created by the government, but they've known about extra-terrestrial life for decades.

But this is not new knowledge. It's only now coming out into the mainstream thanks to the internet. The world now has a mirror, and She can see Herself for the first time in many thousands of years. All is starting to become clear once again, and we are, indeed, in the throes of the Great Awakening. I can feel it in every cell in my body.

And what of those of us who are awakening in an individual sense? I look around, and I see scores of people who are completely and utterly confused by the avalanche of information cascading out of their computer screens. Some have dysfunctionally latched onto this wave, and they end up ego-surfing on self-created titles like "walk-in" and "wanderer." One author even wrote an entire book claiming she was channeling "Oneness" (the impossibility of the premise apparently alluding her and all who bought this book) and then later sent a statement around the internet stating that only her version of "Oneness" was the real one, and all others were practicing "black tantra." It's apparently not enough for these to be a human being recognizing one's divine nature for the first time. (Do you hear the irony of that? It's not enough to be God!)

Well, it's always possible that they are right and I am wrong. Right? Lest I become guilty of the very denial that keeps some peoples' heads in the sand, I must acknowledge that there is at least a slight possibility that some of these New Age "Ascended Masters" on their electronic soapboxes are the real deal. But I do tend to trust my instincts these days, and I can't help but shake my head at all the myriad conflicting, and some downright deluded, statements about what, exactly, is going on with our planet at this point in history.

Do you sense my weariness? If you do, I assure you it is not directed at those who, deluded as they may be as to their own natures, are attempting to bring some Light into this world. If anything, I'm frustrated that I'm blessed with my own seemingly unique vision of what's happening now, while simultaneously realizing that I'm alone in my fascinations and predictions. Not so much alone in beliefs, but alone in who I can share it with. Perhaps this will change in time.

But what I seriously lack is a partner in crime. Someone who also sees the ravaged beauty of this planet and wants to understand it all. Someone who will sit up late with me reveling in esoteric research, a fellow alchemist who is at least as giddy as I am while rummaging through old manuscripts and finding matches to faded esoterica in modern downloaded scientific papers. I suppose there's a reason that every single graphic image of a wizard working in her tower is of a lone figure amid towering books. Even Indiana Jones and Robert Landgon had a friend.

If my image of the universe has self-corrected itself as much as I suspect, I should be able to conjure up a lab partner. I'm not looking for a replacement for my soulmate -- just someone to share my passion for Truth, someone off whom to bounce flashes of insight. Even a hologram need at least two lasers to make a complete three-dimensional image.

Thoughts on the Apocalypse

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Fri, 21 Sep 2007 16:13:00 +0000

Happy International Peace Day!

I was a Good Girl and spent five minutes in meditation on global peace. One of these days, the amount of people doing this will really make a difference.

I've been taking the time to read up on the latest news coming in from the "fringe," and I'm very surprised to find out that it's not all that "fringe," after all.

The whole 2012 thing has really taken off. Some are planning for the end of the world (how do you plan for that?), while others say this is going to be a spiritual awakening on earth. But what surprises me the most is how much people are not told by the mainstream media -- like the fact that global warming is really solar-system-wide change.

Some of the most amazing material can be found on Divine Cosmos. Even if you don't buy channeling (I'm not sure that I do), there is still plenty of scientifically verified info on there about things that every single human being should know about our universe. The realization that there is plenty of evidence for a long-ago (11,500 years ago, to be exact) cataclysm that ended many civilizations and almost wiped out the human race is enough to shock even the most stalwart psyche. Why? Because these things come in cycles, apparently, and we're due for another one.

Whatever I can find that is actually verified will most likely end up on this website sometime soon. It's a new fascination of mine, so stay tuned!

Pictures

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 22:12:00 +0000

Artist: David Lanham
[Used without permission.]

I was just looking at some of my old posts, and it sounds like a different person wrote them. Not only do the concepts seem foreign to me right now, but the writing style seems odd. Have I evolved or devolved?

Or deepened...? Ah, who knows.

Anyhoo, I did quit caffeine. For the most part. I stopped drinking hot tea for weeks, then had one yesterday and one today. I can honestly say that I'm okay with that.

I am aware that last night's kept me from falling asleep easily, so I know now not to drink tea at night. But sometimes, a hot morning cup of black tea and a good book in the quiet morning hours is too nice a picture to mess with.

There's a lota "Now" in those moments.

Dualism

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 00:27:00 +0000

Finally, I feel there is some headway being made. I'm starting to see just how much of suffering is a simple matter of decision. I always have two choices available to me:

1. Identify with the Mind and allow thoughts and emotions to determine my experience, or
2. Identify with Awareness and allow thoughts and emotions to rise and dissipate on their own, without my involvement.

The concept of "identification" can be confusing because it assumes that there is someone or something who can identify oneself/itself with something else, but I have yet to figure out how to speak about these things without resorting to dualistic language. There is a definite process of identification, though. If I believe myself to be my thoughts and emotions, I live in constant struggle with myself. There is no way to control something that one is identified with. If, on the other hand, I identify with awareness only, and see thoughts and emotions as incidental, I can choose not to become attached to them, and this results in permanent peace.

The only problem is one of forgetfulness, and this is where mindfulness comes in. The focus of daily life becomes the continual remembrance of I AM.

This is where I and another mystic are having a disagreement of sorts. He says that the only reason it is an effort to me is because I'm perceiving it as one. I say that it's an effort because I've lived 44 years from the point of view of my Mind, and sudden enlightenment is apparently rare. In reality (if that word can even be used here), I think we're probably both right. It's an effort for me because, in my reality, 44 years is a long-time habit to break and takes practice. Then again, "reality" is a matter of opinion, and as long as I believe this to be difficult and/or time consuming, it will be.

Can I just decide to be enlightened? Is it as simple as saying, "I AM THAT"? Of course, it must be. But it doesn't change the fact that extricating oneself from the physical universe has always taken effort. Evolution is a process that has been going on for millions of years. That doesn't necessarily mean that quantum leaps in spiritual growth can't happen overnight, but to do so requires a quantum leap in understanding.

Or is it just a matter of decision?

So, today, I'm torn between these two choices while simultaneously understanding that it's my Mind that's torn, not me. I can see how such a quandary has given rise to the Binary Soul Doctrine -- it does sometimes feel as though there are two of me!

Dark Night

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 23:10:00 +0000

It's been a while since I've written. I still meditate daily, sometimes off and on rather that during a sitting.

One thing I've been able to recognize is the fact that I am the awareness in which thoughts appear, as if I'm a canvas and the thoughts are the paints. It's a fitting analogy, particularly when moods have so often colored my perceptions. They do so much less frequently now, though.

There is some distance now between what I realize myself to be and my thoughts and emotions. It's been some time now since I've gotten caught up in them, and that's a wonderful freedom. I still experience emotion, but I don't buy into it as often. I still have thoughts, of course, but they're more or less background noise now.

I know that there's really no way that "I" can become enlightened. I know that. Enlightenment, in fact, is really a faulty concept, because there is no one to become enlightened. But there is a recognition of my true identity that must, and is, happening. The more I find out about who and what I am, the less I identify with those things that cause suffering. So, there is less suffering from thoughts and emotions, but more from emptiness.

Non-dualists are telling me I'm hung up in a concept, and that there's "nothing to do." I know this, too. But there is still plenty for me to learn to recognize. While it's easy to still the mind for a second or two and realize that awareness hasn't ceased, this experience doesn't really change my daily life. It takes practice, it takes a constant letting go of that which I'm not.

The "Dark Night of the Soul" is often explained as the period during which the ego dies, yet there is no sign of God here where I exist. All of the labels I thought belonged to me are nothing. None of them exist in and of themselves -- counselor, therapist, magician, Buddhist, student, wife, friend, daughter, etc. All these are names given to groups of ideas and events in my life, and when these ideas and events are looked at individually, they're just ideas and events. There is nothing to "hang my hat on," nothing to call my "self." There truly is no one home.

Reading from St. John of the Cross:

This is the first and principal benefit caused by this arid and dark night of contemplation: the knowledge of oneself and of one's misery. For, besides the fact that all the favours which God grants to the soul are habitually granted to them enwrapped in this knowledge, these aridities and this emptiness of the faculties compared with the abundance which the soul experienced aforetime and the difficulty which it finds in good works, makes it recognize its own lowliness and misery, which in the time of its prosperity it was unable to see.

St. John of the Cross, Dark Night of the Soul, 76-77

So, "I" go through my daily life, knowing there's not a thing to do but wait for grace. Why? Because even though I know who I'm not, I don't yet know who I am. I haven't yet been able to live 100% from the point of view of pure awareness, Rigpa, the "Ground of All Being," as I did after that first deeksha. I was given a taste of the Fruit from the Garden, and then was promptly kicked out on my ass. Here, there is no God, but I didn't realize that before.

Sometimes I wish I had never experienced deeksha. It showed me what mukti was -- complete freedom from the mind. There was a pervasive, loving peace at all times. Since then, I've only been able to be de-clutched from the mind for brief intervals, never enough to bring peace. Never enough to find God.

The pain is sometimes enough to wring prayers from me. I don't normally pray because I've never felt in touch with the One that hears prayers, but I live in constant earshot of It's call to me. I'm like a small planet orbiting the sun, unable to fly off into space because of the gravitational pull, and unable to get closer because of the heat. Around and around and around I go....

So I just continue, onward through the Valley of Death.

The Voice Within

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 20:13:00 +0000

I feel like I've made some good progress. I'm able to stay more in the moment while letting anxieties and worries slowly dissolve in the light of awareness. This is Good.

I've also made contact with my Antaryamin, or "Higher Self," but in a much deeper way than simply knowing I have a conscience. I've discovered that I can have actual conversations with her (whom I call Sophia) that are quite, well, enlightening. I believe this skill (for lack of a better word) is what the Golden Dawn and other magical orders term "The Knowledge and Conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel." A wonderful definition is listed on the Oneness Movement glossary:

Antaryamin: The Indwelling Presence, or atman, known in the West as higher self, essence or inner divinity. This becomes our identity once the illusion of a fixed and separate self is dissolved.

All people have this ability, but I've been consciously strengthening my connection to that Voice. I've learned a great deal by doing this, and I hope to include some of these "conversations" here at some point.

It almost seems too easy, but I don't mean that in an ego-centered way. It's a Voice that I've heard before over the years, but took quite for granted. Because of this, I was very surprised to read this comment on an Advaita site:

Liberation (moksha) consists in realizing this identity, not just as a matter of literal or intellectual understanding, but as something that is to be grasped by the individual in his/her own personal experience.

It's definitely a very real personal experience, but not the kind that causes a change in awareness. At least not yet. I'll just continue to listen and strengthen the connection to see what comes of it.

I'm also spending time now on balancing and strengthening the chakras to prepare for the descent of Light. I realized yesterday that I could tell which ones were out of balance, so I'm starting at the bottom and working up. Today's focus is on the Muladhara, or first chakra, so I spent some time with a yoga routine specifically for that chakra, along with a meditation. I'm not yet clear on all the things I should do to balance this chakra, but at least for this one, I'll be spending some time out in nature. I'm sure Sophia will have more ideas for me.

In the meantime, I've added a very basic page on the chakras for anyone who is interested in the topic. I'll add more information to that page as I'm able.

How Much I Don't Know

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 21:04:00 +0000

My mind is definitely getting quieter. It's great to finally see some progress. I think I understand why enlightenment isn't always instantaneous -- sometimes, there's more work to do first. Sometimes there are still a few clouds obscuring the light of Self.

I've been looking for a way to define myself for as long as I can remember by trying to figure out what I want to "be" when I grow up. This always took the form of trying to decide what I wanted a degree in. I started on many different paths, from psychology to graphic arts to metaphysics to religion to pharmacology. Because I was trying to find out what I was (rather than trying to become whatever I was studying), none of these felt right. I was searching for whatever it was that I believed I was here to do, like my destiny or my personal True Path. Of course, since I was searching outside myself, I didn't find it.

Just recently, the need for this stopped. Literally, it just went away. I realized that what I am is pure awareness, and all of these things that you can earn a degree in are merely things that I can do, not things that I can be. Since most of my time had been spent hunting for this elusive identity (through research, taking classes, and reading), I discovered I could easily do any of them. The difference now is that I don't feel like I have to work toward becoming who I really am -- I'm already there!

It looks rather silly now to see this written down. I could easily have spouted all this out before, but it wouldn't have meant anything to me because I had not experienced the truth of this yet. I'm learning there is an incredible difference between intellectual understanding and experiential knowledge. It's very humbling to see how many things I think I understand merely because I've read about them!

Changes

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Thu, 31 May 2007 20:51:00 +0000

I'm so amazed at how much my brain has changed since I started getting deeksha. I rarely get caught up in mental noise now, but I haven't reached the point where I'm immune to it yet. In other words, I can see my own reactions coming before I get sucked into them, unless whatever it is makes me physically uncomfortable, such as illness or fatigue. I have a tough time with both of these (particularly fatigue) because I HATE being tired. I know that's mind stuff, too, but I haven't figured out how to just accept it.

Synchronicities happen more often, and much faster now. Another book I've been reading, simply called Oneness, has surprisingly been helpful. I don't usually go for "channeled" material, but I have to admit this one is really good.

Uncovering the Evil Within

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Fri, 18 May 2007 19:19:00 +0000

Since I've been able to get completely off the pain patches (fentanyl 25mcg), I thought I'd attempt getting off of some of the other chemicals. I figured I'd attempt caffeine and kratom, but that's apparently a bad idea. At least not at the same time.

The main "reason" I use caffeine is to battle fatigue. I've quit a few times in my life, so I know that other than the headache it's not too terribly bad. The kratom, on the other hand, is used for both fatigue, depression, and fibromyalgia. Maybe that's too big a task right now. The depression scares the hell outa me.

Knowledge is not always a saving grace. I know that emotional reactions are simply electrical discharges based on previously learned patterns, either from one's parents or others who were around us as children (Michael Brown claims in The Prescence Process that some of the most powerful reactions are ingrained during the first seven years of life.) That doesn't get rid of them, however. I still have to notice they're there, and try to follow them back to the place I got them. That's the only way to discharge them for good.

So, I know this, but today after trying to cut back on these two drugs, I felt depression creeping up on me, and with it anger. I thought I could handle it! Nope. Not yet. I couldn't seem to detach.

So, I'll just do this a little slower. Caffeine will be the one I focus on for now.

Golden Magic

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Thu, 17 May 2007 20:19:00 +0000

Oh, joy! I have a moment to write! :-)

I have a very interesting experience yesterday. I had just finished reading Bringers of the Golden Ball by Robert March, which is about my guru, Sri Amma Bhagavan. The Golden Ball is the form that the energy of the deeksha takes when it is passed to another. Apparently, some people have been able to see this, most likely those who are more or less clairvoyant. These are some photos [coming later] that people have taken during deeksha processses, which I was also looking at yesterday. I had been telling Tommy about it, so the Golden Ball had been on my mind.

Tommy had a doctor's appointment, so we left the house around 12:30pm. Part of the drive to the doctor's office is a road through some empty farm fields, so for a while we were driving along a road seemingly out in the middle of nowhere. I don't know who saw it first, but we both spotted out in an empty field by the road ... a Golden Ball! Actually, it was a child's rather large toy rubber ball, but the sun glinting off the thing out there in the field showed that it had a definite GOLD color -- NOT yellow. We looked at each other, and as I pulled the car over to get out, Tommy smiled and said nothing as I walked out to get it.

Here it is, sleeping peacefully next to my altar and Spot, one of my fur children.

To put a perfect cherry on top of this cool little treat, I dreamed about Bhagavan last night. In the dream, I seem to remember him laughing and holding out the golden rubber ball to me as a gift.

Whether I created this incident through some quantum trick of the mind-universe connection, or whether Bhagavan actually gave me the ball as a magical present, I have no clue. I do know that my life has been more like an episode of Bewitched since I got my first deeksha, and as each of these synchronous events occur, I'm losing my desire to continually attempt to find a logical explanation for things like this. I'm beginning to see just how magical a universe we all live in!

The Truth?

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Wed, 16 May 2007 15:26:00 +0000

The Power of Diksha

noreply@blogger.com (Morgan) — Mon, 14 May 2007 19:25:00 +0000

I'm no longer amazed that human beings can transmit energy of various kinds over the phone. The first time I experienced this was when I was attuned by my teacher in Ireland to Reiki. There were three attunements, one for each level to "Master." Each time I felt very obvious physical effects, which I found out later were consistent with symptoms of kundalini arousal. (I may talk about those symptoms in greater detail in a later entry.) Now I've come to the point where I can channel Reiki, and the feeling of energy flowing through my hands has been getting stronger the more I use it.

But I never expected to find enlightenment transmitted over the phone.

No, I'm not enlightened, but that is the one goal of the mystic's life. I've been searching for it all my life, or at least starting immediately after reading Gopi Krishna's Kundalini when I was about 18 years old. Only in retrospect do I know realize that the periods of intense bliss that I would experience from time to time due to my yoga practice was from my own kundalini arousal. At the time, as happy as I was during these times (usually lasting about 3 days), I still couldn't bring myself to believe that such magic existed in the universe. Doubt has always been my own personal killjoy.

Now, I'm 44 years old, and I've made quite a bit of headway in my search. I'm not enlightened, as I mentioned, and I've had a great deal of realizations over the last few months that give me deeper understanding of what it entails, but in practical experience, I just hadn't been getting anywhere. I think FAR TOO MUCH.

But now I believe I've found it. Thanks to Sri Amma Bhagavan and the Oneness University in India, people are being enlightened by their touch, and have been trained to offer diksha (pronounced DEEKsha) to others. Also known as shaktipat, deeksha appears to be a bioelectrical energy that is passed from an enlightened Guru to a disciple, which serves the purpose of rewiring the human brain so that it can sleep easily into it's natural state -- enlightenment.

I've had about five dikshas so far, all over the phone. The first one caused a deep sense of bliss that lasted four days, during which time the constant chatter of my mind and it's resultant stress were completely silent. It was so strong that others around me noticed my joy, and I began to wonder if I had been indeed enlightened. Unfortunately, the experience began to slowly fade after those four wonderful days as I watched my mind slowly come "back" from whatever silent retreat it had been in. From this view, I saw how all my problems are caused by buying in to the mind's incessant critical chatter, which was everything from planning my activities for the day, wondering if I look "okay" to other people, whether what I said to my husband a minute ago was stupid, etc. For the first time, I realized it was actually possible, and actually quite preferable, to live a life where the mind is not in control.

The mind is the cause of ALL suffering. Period.

I'm looking forward to the upcoming May 16 diksha. Although I haven't had that same peak experience since that first diksha, I've had several realizations that have helped me to understand much more of, well, everything. My mind is expanding, and I'm in complete and total debt to Sri Amma Bhagavan. I've never felt this close to the end of my search, and it's only going to get better from here.