HER LIFE

a baby, a journal, a little life . . .

2021-04-24T14:15:00.000-07:00

I have written only two or three times in the last year; a year that has been filled with change and trial.

But we have also been abundantly blessed, in many ways. I have not felt the desire to blog. In fact I wondered if I ever would again. But so much is happening and I fear it will all be forgotten unless I record it. How do I recap a years worth of life? There is so much I want to remember.

Violet is almost 12 weeks old.

2016-10-12T14:15:00.000-07:00

As I stood at the lot, watching them work, I realized that my house will be built by the blue-collared. much life my life was shaped by them. I was raised by one and married another. These people as artists and craftsman. They are skilled and precise. I watch them work and I'm grateful. My house will be strong and safe, beautiful and comfortable. It is in good hands that work hard.so much of what they do we take for granted. They build our houses, they beautify our spaces, the keep us sanitary and lit and plumbed and going places. I was filled with gratitude for these people. I was raised by one and married another. My life has been shared by these "Blue-collared' workers.

footings

2016-10-06T14:30:00.001-07:00

September 22 the forms for the footings were built in the hole.

They then sat empty while we waited, and waited, and waited for the building permit.

Because you can't pour until you have that permit.

Today, October 6, our builder got the permit and poured the footings!

This means we are (finally) out of the gate and on our way!

I've never been so happy about concrete.

footings

2016-10-06T14:30:00.000-07:00

September 22 the forms for the footings were built in the hole.

They then sat empty while we waited, and waited, and waited for the building permit.

Because you can't pour until you have that permit.

Today, October 6, our builder got the permit and poured the footings!

This means we are (finally) out of the gate and on our way!

I've never been so happy about concrete.

luckiest girl

2016-10-06T09:17:00.001-07:00

Tuesday evening just after dinner Darren surprised me with saying that he thought I needed an evening out with the girls. He would be taking over at home and we were free to go to the movies! So off we went to see Storks. The next morning Nya awoke tired from the late night and asked if she could stay home and go back to bed. Stay home she did, but she never made it back to bed. I had things to do and she came along for the ride. Nanaimo was my first stop. I had to go to Lowe's to pick up a pedestal sink for the new house. As we walked around the store, her little hand in mine, she blissfully declared, "All my friends are at school, and I'm here with you. I'm the luckiest girl in the world!" The luckiest girl in the world? My heart was filled to bursting. It doesn't take anything grand to show our children love. They really do, for the most part, just want us. Such was the theme of the movie we'd just watched the evening before. Time. With us. The rest of the day went the same, no matter what we did, she thought she was so lucky just to be with me! This morning she crawled out of bed and got herself ready for school as usual and routine took over. I'm so grateful I listened to the needs of her little heart yesterday and kept her home with me. She felt loved in the simplest of ways and I will have those memories forever. No regrets, not a single one. I can't think of a anything she could have learned at school yesterday that would have been more important than the way her sweet soul was filled with the knowledge that she is mine and I am hers and she is loved. As for myself, I was left with the reaffirmation that I am so blessed. And she doesn't even understand that the luckiest girl in the whole wide world isn't her . . . it's me!

we have a hole

2016-09-22T20:22:00.004-07:00

Tuesday September 20, 2016 we broke ground! It almost feels surreal. I wasn't sure this day would ever come.

I arrived at the lot at 8:30 to a bunch of men standing in front of the first scoop of earth and a quiet machine. I jokingly asked if that was it for the day, to which my builder (who is also a dear friend) informs me that he had to shut down operations because they found bones. I ask with trepidation, "Animal or human?" "Human", he replies, "someone is on their way from Victoria right now." This is not unheard of where we live, as our valley is ancient first nations land. I am thinking this is going to cause a few hours delay, but no, he says we could be at a standstill for months! I was just about to turn around and walk back to my vehicle so that I could go home and cry in private, when four grown men analyze my face, my husband being one of then, and quickly realize that I absolutely and completely swallowed the pack of lies they had just served me on an already delicate string of hope that this house would ever get started. It was, in fact a joke, and I could NOT have been more relieved. I'm not sure that any other possible delay will phase me now! After the relief settled in and the laughing ended, we waited for the excavator operator to return with a hose for his machine, which was the real cause for the standstill. 15 minutes later we were back in business!

Can you tell we are very happy to have a hole?

we have a hole

2016-09-22T20:22:00.001-07:00

Tuesday September 20, 2016 we broke ground! It almost feels surreal. I wasn't sure this day would ever come.

Can you tell we are very happy to have a hole?

tree trimming

2016-09-22T20:16:00.004-07:00

I feel as though nothing has happened and much has happened at the lot. We have been clearing and cleaning and hauling for months now, but it never seems to look very different, until you look back at how it began.

The lot was pretty heavily treed, which is one of the reasons I feel in love with it. Even though most of them would be coming down, some would remain and remind me of that enchanted feeling I had from the first moment I walked that property and knew without a doubt that somehow, someway it was meant for us and that we would indeed build a house there.

The trees that were left needed a good trim.

There was a lot of old, dead growth.

before

after

And this maple! We wanted to save this maple. But after years of being surrounded by bigger trees, it grew long and lean to get that sun. At the advice of our tree guy we cut it down to what is now referred to by our builder as "the flagpole".

We were promised a full tree in a few years. We'll see if we can wait that long. If not, it too will go, but for now it stays and we wait.

Tate then took over the documentation,

I watched,

and Violet made dirt pies at my feet.

Apart from the fact that we actually get to build a house, what I love the very most is that we get to do this as a family. All of us pulling and sweating and building together. Faces do not always adorn a smile, but at the end of a long, dirty day we leave our lot reluctantly, knowing we have all had a hand in our future and (hopefully) forever home. I imagine my kids returning here in the years to come, to this very house, built with love by all of us. From the big boys who run the equipment to the little girls picking up sticks and playing in the dirt, this house is a labour of love.

tree trimming

2016-09-22T20:16:00.001-07:00

The trees that were left needed a good trim.

There was a lot of old, dead growth.

before

after

We were promised a full tree in a few years. We'll see if we can wait that long. If not, it too will go, but for now it stays and we wait.

Tate then took over the documentation,

I watched,

and Violet made dirt pies at my feet.

2016-02-24T12:09:00.000-08:00

HOUSE PLANS

2016-01-18T13:07:00.000-08:00

It was Saturday evening about 11 o'clock. The kids had been sleeping for hours, and Darren had already gone to bed; a couple more clicks of that mouse and I'd be off to the same. Up until this point I had been through dozens of websites and hundreds of plans left with only a handful we tried to convince ourselves we liked.

When you know that you're moving and that it may very well be the last time and quite possibly your only shot at building your dream house, it's pretty serious stuff. But late that night, just when I was about to give up, I found it! Wide awake, I then lay in bed for the next three hours, dreaming of our new home.

There are a couple of very small changes we will be making, but over all, it is so perfectly us. I still feel like I'm playing house. I can't believe that this will not always be black lines on white paper, but an actual house of windows and wood.

DIG DEEP

2016-01-18T12:28:00.000-08:00

When I first saw our lot, it reminded me of an enchanted forest. It was mid-summer; trees, moss and other wild plants carpeted the ground, birds were chirping and sun filtered on down through the pines needles and maple leaves. Pure perfection. Of course, we would have to take down many of those trees to allow room for a house, but not so many that it lost its character. So we walked through the lot and began tagging trees.

Darren and I took down as many as we could ourselves. At which point I learned to use a chainsaw! Me! I was terrified of it kicking back and ripping apart my face. I got over it pretty fast though after realizing that it would take twice as long with only one of us chopping. (I kinda like to get things done!) So, if you need something cut with a chainsaw, I am now fully qualified and I'd be happy to help!

But we knew we needed to leave the big ones to the professionals. That day I sat in the safety of the vehicle with Violet while the kids were in school and watched in wonder as they did their work. At the end of it all you could not see the forest floor! This was the first time I remember feeling some concern. I did not anticipate the wake that would be left behind. Logs wider than my arm span lay everywhere, as we waded through slash waist deep. How would we ever clean this mess up?

We spent the next few Saturdays, children in tow, along with another we kidnapped for a day - Jacob, the big boy, Bragg, cleaning up what seemed an impossible mess. But with the help of Darren's equipment, many hands, and many more hours we ever so slowly began to see the light of day again. The wood was separated into piles of waste, fire wood and logs for the house. The good wood will be used for our flooring and fencing, posts and beams, counters and porches, and wooden planked walls, and anything else we can think of! And firewood makes a mighty fine pile for playing on.

The second time I remember feeling concern was when the days began to darken and the winter sun sank lower in the sky. Right now we are on the south side of the mountain, but over there "home" is nestled in at the base of the north. Sunshine through grey sky on the west coast is a beautiful thing. But those weak winter rays do not make their way through northern tree tops. After worrying about it for longer than I should have, I reminded myself that the deal was done, we were moving there regardless. Peace came, without sunshine. For that I will have to be patient and wait and remember, "No winter lasts forever, no spring skips its turn." (Hal Borland)

That left the logs much too big for us to move with small equipment and - the stumps!

Time once again to call in the pros.

Enter the third wave of panic. It quietly accompanied the start of a new year. A year sure to be filled with much change and uncertainty. Of upheaval and disorder. Of packing and moving, and packing again. Of work, and work, and a whole lot more work. I'm not entirely sure I have it in me.

But then there was mud. Everywhere. Perfectly squishy:) Children are having fun getting dirty and progress is being made. This will be a year filled with adventure. I could do with an adventure!

Stumps were removed!

Boys played with toys.

Pale green pants with nobody inside them were unearthed!

(Dr. Seuss fans unite;)

Spring is indeed on its way - sunshine is sure to return!

And I tell myself the adventure has begun - dig deep.

Sister-daughters

2016-01-09T20:55:00.000-08:00

It's a story I've told three girls so far and some day I'll tell it to Violet. I was raised in a loving family where I kept the company of a mother, a father, and three younger brothers. I was every good thing an older sister is suppose to be, most especially, bossy - I was quite the proficient. Although I prefer to think of myself as one possessing leadership skills instead of "boss hog", which in the eyes of a boy child is probably most accurate.

All I ever wanted was a sister. But apparently you can't control those kinds of things.

It may have taken us some time to realize it, but now, as grown adults, my siblings and I really do like each other. There was always love there, no matter how deeply it may have been buried. But now we laugh, like a lot, and wonder why we didn't get it when we were younger. But there remained a hole right raw in my heart. I longed for a sister even more than before. I saw the way women are bonded in sisterhood and longed for the same. The comfort between them, the things they talk about, and all the unspoken they share.

And then I began having children. 18 years, 2 sons and 4 daughters later, I have been blessed beyond measure.

It began with Noelle. I told it to her. Of the girl who pined for a sister. And that God choose, instead, to bless me with her. A sister-daughter for me to love. Then Emma, then Nya and now little Violet. And as they grow and I tell them the story again and again, I realize that it is not now only a secret wish of a fairy tale life, but that I do actually have sisters - 4 of them, really truly. Not always will they be my babies, not long will they stay small. More years will be spent together as adults, then we ever had with wee ones in pig-tales. And all that is shared will be shared between women.

A loving Heavenly Father sent me sisters indeed. I just had to wait a little longer than some.

This year

2016-01-09T20:06:00.000-08:00

Build. That's my word for the year. And I think it's the right year for it. My intention this year is to take more time doing the things that will build me and my

Build better relationships.

Build a stronger faith in Christ.

Build a happy home in which to dwell.

Build a house of wood.

Build a healthier body.

Build upon my talents.

Genoa Bay Road

2016-01-08T14:49:00.001-08:00

We are moving. I didn't actually think we would move again, at least while our children were at home. But we have outgrown this house and this situation. We have shared this home with Darren's parents for the last nine and a half years as our own family expanded to eight. And now it is time to move on and apart. They are headed on a mission and we are headed to homestead. But it didn't start out that way. When we realized that this was, in fact, the best for all involved, we began looking for a house. We had a long list of criteria we hoped we would find. First, we love where we live. Maple Bay is truly so beautiful. Every single time I drive down that road I am so grateful for this place I call home. Second on our list was to remain close to the church. Being only 5 minutes away has been such a blessing in our lives. I never want to live far from the church. Next, we knew we needed a yard big enough to store all Darren's equipment, as this is how he provides for his family. Also, we hoped to be able to stay close to the schools that the children attend. We wished for space for kids to run and play and build and get dirty. We wanted to remain close to the biking trails which the men folk in this family love to ride down. We imagined trees in a level yard to call our own. I was looking for a house when Darren showed me some land.

And then, my childhood dream was brought back to my memory. I wanted to build a house! I have wanted this for as long as I can remember. When other girls where buying clothes and wearing make-up, I was picking wild flowers from the field across the road and making arrangements with them for my parents home. I spent babysitting money on new bedding and paint for my room. I recovered old, used sofas found for dollars at the second-hand store, and dreaming of building a home with my future Prince Charming and our bunch of babies. It was a dream I had shelved and all but forgotten about, lost somewhere in the reality and routine which is life.

The very next day we went for a drive.

And there it was, right around the corner from where we are now - big, and leveled, and treed. Right here, right where we hoped to stay, close to the beach, the schools, the trails and the church. I could not believe that this lot had every single thing on my list. We had no idea how it would all come together, or how we would ever afford to buy it without yet selling our house, let alone afford to build. But I can testify that as I stood on that land for the very first time, having walked and driven past it many times, yet never having noticed it before in all the years I have lived here, I knew it was going to be our home. I had no idea how everything would come together, but I knew in my heart that this was our home.

And so began the journey. We fasted and prayed many times to know what to do and that things would work out for the best. That whatever the right plan for us and our family was would come to pass, and that we would be accepting of His will for our lives.

Each time we felt compelled to proceed, so we called the mortgage broker and gave him the impossible task of securing a mortgage on a vacant piece of land (which I have learned is VERY tricky to do) and we put in an offer, and then we waited. We waited for weeks as our broker fought hard to get a single income, self-employeed family a mortgage while still having a mortgage on our current house.

Weeks passed and many prayers were said. Fasting continued. And then finally 2 months after the process began, we signed some papers promising that we would pay the bank a ton of money for a piece of land, and a sold sign went up.

Now the fun begins! I perused hundreds and hundreds of house plans until I finally found the one! Those were ordered and delivered. A builder has been contacted and contracted! Houzz and Pinterest are being scoured in our spare time as we build boards of inspiration, and I still feel like I am dreaming!

For now we are busy getting our house ready to put up for sale in the spring. There is much to do. Every single surface seems to need patching and painting, and many unfinished projects need attention. I am so grateful that Darren has so much time off in the winter so that we can tackle these things together. And we are having the best time! I only hope we have enough left in us to build the next house;)

everything and nothing

2015-05-25T21:09:00.001-07:00

For those of you who still read blog posts. For those who don't live in a fairy tale. For the ones who don't judge other mothers (or try hard not to). For those who love me anyway. For those who may be struggling themselves.

I was going to start this post with the age old "mothering is hard", but really it's not about mothering at all. This is about life. Real and raw and rounded out - mothering is just one part of that. That might be shocking enough for some people. To know that "mother", although a role I hold sacred, is not who I am. And if I were to be honest, some days I want something more to look forward to than housework and homemaking. I long for adventure. Today was one of those days. What I didn't want was to face the sink full of dirty dishes. I didn't want to be grown up and responsible and, well, required. Required to be here and do this and clean that, and do it all again tomorrow.

This is also not about gratitude - for there is a difference between that and happiness. Feeling sad or discouraged is not sinful. It does not mean that you are ungrateful for or have left unnoticed the things heaven sent. I can generate a lenghty list of the blessings in my life that split my heart wide open and make me weep with thanksgiving. Being grateful and being happy are not the same thing. And discouragement can strike even the most stalwart. How we feel is not always a choice, but it is ours to decide what to do about it!

I believe I am a daughter if God. I believe He created me in love and sent me here with high hopes. I believe that I have a purpose and a mission while alive on this earth. I believe that I have been abundantly blessed. I believe that part of my journey will have me writing about real things, real feelings, and real life. And real life, although beautiful, is also imperfect and hard. I believe that I was meant to write. I believe that both hope and healing can be found when I do, not only for myself but for others as well.

You see, how we feel has very little to do with the outcome of our lives, or rather it can be everything or nothing at all. These things called "feelings" can take hold of the rudder and steer up places we never intended on going, or we can hold fast and decide that no matter which way the winds blow (or our feelings compel us) we will press on in the direction of our dreams. The shocking thing that we will discover at the end of our journey is that whichever course we took we never really let go of that wheel. For better or worse the choice was ours all along. I can blame my situation on the feelings I face, even though they are present and powerful, or I can decide that even though I feel tossed to and fro and a little bit lost, I still steer the ship! We each will have moments when we feel as though we'll be lost to the raging storm and other times we drift with no sunshine on skin, nor wind in our sails. Sometimes these moments are hardest. In the midst of chaos my heart turns quickly to the Lord. But it's different in the lulls. It is quieter there and more room is left for fear and doubt and discouragement to creep in. It is then that He reminds us, if we listen and if we'll trust Him that He is right beside us and this is simply a chance for us to make our own wind! The going may be slower than those moments of smooth sailing, but we will be made stronger. Failure does not lie in the feeling; success lies in the choice we make to keep getting up, keep making dinner, keep washing those dishes and folding that laundry and kissing sweet cheeks and holding soft, sticky hands and CHOOSING to do what you don't feel like doing. In the very act of doing what we don't want to do, simply because it is the right thing to do, we gain momentum. We change the feelings from the outside in, until we are no longer just going through the motions. Until we find our adventure, looking a little different than we thought it would. Looking a lot less glamorous and a little more like life.

I can be grateful, not always for the feelings, but for the fact that, in spite of, I can get up out of bed, put one foot in front of the other, and keep on living. Because to live, simply to wake each day, good or bad, happy or sad, sour attitude or sweet disposition, all of it, the whole crazy thing, in the words of Peter Pan, is an awfully big adventure.

2014-10-10T13:28:00.003-07:00

I used to be able to pull together the crazy that exploded around here everyday. Then something changed. I had baby number 6. Since then I have reasoned with myself that it will get easier, I will get some routine back soon enough. . . ZBut it isn't coming

Dear Aubrey,

2014-10-09T15:58:00.000-07:00

This post is for you, my dear sweet Aubrey. Although promised months ago, this post has been in the making for much longer than that. 14 1/2 years actually. That is when I had my first baby. I have come to understand a thing or two about raising children, but I now realize how much I have yet to learn.

Pregnancy is like the preliminary events leading up to the marathon of motherhood - the opening ceremonies. We spend nine months preparing for our lives to be changed in a way that no human could ever prepare for. The moment your new baby enters this world and is placed in your arms is the moment you will lose control. You will lose your heart first. Although you already love this tiny human, that love will explode more with each passing hour as you study and memorize every piece from tiny toes to cute button nose. Next, your time. Your world will be planned around eating and sleeping schedules. Your body - also not in your control even though the baby is now out, will at moments leak from several different orifices at once. You will continue to sustain this new life for the next while, sharing still your body with them. Your emotions - no control. You will feel things you never knew you could and do not understand why you are even feeling. Sound scary? It isn't meant to - that is not my objective. I simply mean to share some things with you that I wish my girlfriends had shared with me. The talk was all about pregnacy and labor. What about the after stuff? This is important stuff; THIS is how mothers are forged.

So here are a few of the things I have learned or better yet, that I am still coming to understand:

1. 6 weeks. At least. 6 weeks guilt free from the things you don't have time to do right now and free from pressure and comparison. Give yourself time to heal and recover. Our bodies go through more than we give them credit for. You are not in a race of "who bounced back fastest". Your tummy will contract on its own schedule. You clothes will not fit right away. You body has just performed the miracle of making and giving life. Let it recover. You and your baby will be happier. Rest. Sleep when you can. Eat. Cry when you need to. Drink water like there is no tomorrow. And ask for help from those you trust.

2. Never before has a shower been so wonderful as after those first few weeks of having a baby. Ironically, it is one of the things that we seem to never be able to find the time for. Remember that although a shower cannot solve everything it can help with most things. You will almost always feel better after a shower!

3. One day at a time is now, more than ever, life's philosophy. That is all you need to live. And remind yourself that you will never get that day back. A day spent is a day gone. How will you most like to remember those days? Knee deep in things that don't matter or drowning in the delicious smell and velvety softness of a new baby?

4. Take advice, but consider the source. Something that worked for one person may not work for you. Absorb what you can from those you love, filter through it all and learn to trust yourself. You will find your path. People will say things and have opinions on just about everything. Just because they say it doesn't mean you have to take it, but do remember that most of the time they are simply trying to help.

5. Take lots of pictures and write things down. Moments you never think you will forget lose their crispness and become a whisp of a memory through this marathon you are now beginning.

6. As you fall deeper in love with your baby, it will be unthinkable for you to invision an instance where you could possibly be upset or even angry at this tiny piece of perfection lying in your lap. Trust me when I tell you that it happens to even the BEST mothers sometimes. You will not realize it right away. It is not the flick of a switch. But it will happen and you will catch yourself wondering when it did. It is not a threshold crossed but a transition through time - as baby grows into toddler and toddler into child and child tests the limits of our patience we will experience moments when feel less than loving. The beauty of it is that Heavenly Father has designed us in such a way that, when needed, those first feelings of adoration can be recalled, and these memories soften our hearts once again to the state we would prefer to always remain. Remember, you are not perfect, but you are oh so good.

7. Remember there is no one right way to parent. This applies to and ranges from how you feed your new baby to what kind of diapers you use.

8. Remember to cherish your relationship with your spouse. Take care of him as he takes care of you.

9. Pray. Pray for help just to get through a day when you are exhausted upon waking. Pray for guidance along the way. Pray for your body to work and for your baby to grow and for your heart to stay soft. This is His child; as are you. You are His hands here on earth. He is your partner there up in Heaven. You are loved. He will help you learn compassion and forgiveness, charity, kindness, forgiveness, long-suffering, sacrifice and humility through the eyes of this child.

10. Remember, this too shall pass. The good, the bad, and the beautiful. All of it is fleeting. Let this teach you to cherish the good, to get you through the bad, and to cling to the beautiful.

There are a thousand more things I would like to tell you. None of them are probably very important. It seems almost an impossible thing; giving advice to a new mom. And I am certainly unfit to give it. Your baby is your treasure not your trophy. Love that baby like there is no tomorrow; you will never regret it. It is in the letting go that we truly come to understand and rely upon our Heavenly Father and Savior. Maybe this is why we lose it when we have our babies. To help us understand that we are much better in His hands than in our own. But in all the "losing" we gain things we could not any other way; a deeper understanding of Gods love for us; an unearthly love for others; a clearer eternal picture. Then we come to understand that we really didn't lose anything at all - we gained godly gifts - the best of which comes in the form of a tiny pink package and shows to us things as they should be if we slow down enough to receive them.

So my last piece of advice: SLOW DOWN. There is a reason for and something to learn in all of this. Slow down and you will see.

Love, Shelli

2014-06-18T16:00:00.002-07:00

pink perfection

2014-04-04T17:22:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've been waiting a lifetime for this baby.

Late, but here at last, making her entrance, when she finally decided to do so,

as fast as she could.

From the moment she was born and I saw her face I felt as though I'd had this child before.

She looks so familiar to me - almost as if a memory returning.

Violet Ever McCullough

Born March 24, 2014

8 pounds

at 3:36 in the wee hours of the morning

So perfect I can barely believe the miracle of life has happened all over again.

I may or may not get to a more detailed update as to how things are going;

for now we are enjoying every single second of this most perfect piece of heaven
(and attempting to get as much sleep as she'll allow!).

count down

2014-02-04T10:57:00.001-08:00

Warning:

Proceed with caution.

This post may contain information you don't want to or need to know, but that I would like to remember.

6 weeks.

That is all I have left.

IF I deliver on time that is.

This has been the looooooongest pregnancy of my life. I feel as though I have been expecting forever.
It could be due to the fact that this time around we spent more time in deliberation than ever before. As my 35th birthday approached (13 months ago) I felt the desire for a new baby. My husband was quite sure that it was simply my maternal clock ticking, and at moments so did I. I wanted a baby, but was I really ready for another child? I wasn't sure for the longest time and I did not necessarily have a willing companion. And since I was not prepared to proceed without full consent, I waited.

Then one day, six months later, he came to me and said that he too wanted another baby. And so it began.

Now having passed my 36th birthday, I feel as though it is time I was about finished with this process already. As my due date approaches, my symptoms increase. It is always hard, but this time has been the hardest. First and foremost, I am tired - beyond tired. I have never felt this way . . . ever! I am tired while sitting down. This, combined with nausea, headaches, dizziness, back pain, and aching legs from varicose and spider veins, has tested my endurance.

I have also never been so emotional in all my life. I feel like crying (and frequently do) for no reason at all. On the other hand I have never felt happier or more blessed! It is one crazy mix of emotions. Which, to his eternal credit, I must say that Darren is handling with positive perfection!

But now onto the fun stuff. I have been having the best time preparing for this baby! My children all thought I was crazy when at 3 months pregnant (as soon as I was able to be somewhat mobile) I began planning and decorating the nursery; beginning with moving the boys out and into another room. I knew that it would take me the whole rest of my pregnancy to complete this project. I planned and began to prepare for a little boy, so sure was I. But according to my ultrasound, another little girl was on her way. I then removed the beginnings of what I had already started for our son and started from scratch in the planning department. I have been sewing and decorating and ever so slowly working away to create a nursery for this baby. As more children have come to us and as our house has filled up, our last 2 babies have slept in our closet (which happens to be almost bigger than our 1st apartment). And we made due. This time, however, I wanted to have a real nursery, not because a baby cares, but because I do.

My goal was to put together this nursery as inexpensively as possible. We already had the dresser, the stool (Which is for Nya. She needs to be able to see her baby when she comes!), the bookshelf, the side table and some of the accessories, including the pillow forms. Darren cut out her initial from some MDF we had stored away, left over from past projects and a friend lent us the crib. We purchased a clock, the material for her bedding, the floor lamp, frames for the wall (which I filled with free artwork I found online, and some that I made myself - they will be hung around the room once the painting is complete), the diaper cart, crib sheets and a changing pad. The biggest item we purchased was the chair from Ikea. This is perhaps my favorite piece. It does not rock, but it is so very comfortable. We (the little kids and I) already use it all the time to read together in. All we have left to do is to finish painting the walls, otherwise we are ready and waiting for baby V.

I will post more pictures once we are finished the painting -

but just in case I don't get to it (which is entirely possible), here is what is finished so far.

(Necklace made by Aunty Shannon)

stumbling blocks and stepping stones

2013-11-07T11:50:00.001-08:00

Dear Lord remove my stumbling bocks. These are the words we long to utter and have answered right away. These are the wishes of my heart. Make clear my path and guide me along.

That morning we left was cold. I was chilled - chilled through flesh right to bone. The sky, grey and wet. Jackets and sweaters adorned our shoulders. We knew that we would some be able to shed these layers, but for the time they offered warmth and comfort, until such a time . .

The plane took off through rain and fog. It rose higher and higher until at last we passed through those dark clouds. And then it filled the entire sky right through the windows of the plane and into cold flesh. The sun - it is always there. This thought so obvious, yet never pondered. No matter the .... that loom over head, behind all of that, always, and forever, the sun shines on, never ceasing.

Life is filled with all sorts of days. Some are filled with blinding light, yet many are filled with sorrow, weakness and pain. Our job is to never lose sight of the sun and when at times it is lost from view we need remember it is still there and it with always burst through those clouds.

He is always there. We may be left to feel the chill for a time, but that does not mean that he is not there. Nothing dims the sun. It is all perspective. We need to learn how to rise above, reaching for that sun that will live our lives with light and hope and peace and joy.

We walk forward on straight path heading forever forward, but this is not enough.

We must head upward as well.

We turn these stumbling blocks into stepping stones when we approach them in faith.

The choice is up to us. These hard things, these ugly trials, out tests of faith are the very things that become stpes up to heaven if we but view them with eyes eternal.

Our vision is cleared, our perspective is solidifided and as we arise we begin to discover that the sun always shines. It is constant ans strong, and always there even if we cannot see it. behind those

clouds, up above those stumbling blocks it shines on, forever giving its warmth and brightness and light to all who will make the climb.

a mother's intuition and a bouncing baby boy

2013-11-01T09:25:00.000-07:00

Five out of five - those are pretty good odds. Never have I been wrong! I have known somehow, somewhere inside what each and every child I grew under my heart was going to be before any test or medical professional confirmed my feelings.

When I was expecting my first child they would not tell me whether the baby was a girl or a boy, but so confident was I that we decorated every inch of the nursery with the expectation of pigtails. As my due date approached, I had one moment of panic as I stood in her room and realized that I did not know for sure. What if our baby was a boy? Nevertheless, 10 days late, Noelle finally blessed our lives and started our family with a much anticipated daughter.

The second time around, they refused to inform us once again, but my feelings were just as strong - and I was right, it was a boy. And my heart was happy.

For number 3, I wanted another little girl. I did not care for myself; I longed for Noelle. I grew up with three brothers and lovely as they are, I wanted desperately a sister for my daughter. And a sister she got. Although, once again they would not tell me, I knew, and I hoped even more!

Number 4, a boy of course. Bergen was most sure of this, and he wanted to name his brother T-Rex! What four year old boy wouldn't? This time, though, they told, but we kept it between the two of us, and Bergen. I didn't think it too dangerous. I figured if he did tell, he was only four after all and he was already telling people when they asked that he wanted a brother, so it would most likely not be taken as reliable information. When I told him that it was a boy, a brother for him, he very nonchalantly said, "I know", as did I before confirmation.

And there our family ended . . . for a while anyhow. Until the day we could no longer ignore the feeling that started out small and grew to a pounding in our hearts that another girl was to join our family. Could it be? How could I ever be so blessed as to have 2 sons and 3 daughters! 3 little girls. I truly felt that the Lord was compensating generously for the whole in my soul left there by the lack of sisterhood in my life with 3 girls of my own! And a girl it was.

Now we were complete! Yes, for almost 5 years, until that all too familiar knocking began again. And according to intuition, we were about to even the playing field with another boy - I was sure! The pattern we had started would continue on and at 6 we would finally be complete, for now and forever. But by number 6, it actually took much of the fun out of things. As cool as it is to know within myself, and helpful in the planning and decorating department, by number 6 the thought of being surprised was appealing! I have never had a pregnancy when I felt as though I had no feelings as to what I was having. The idea is so very foreign to me.

And with each baby my confidence grew.

So sure was I that when ultrasound time came around, I went in knowing what they would say, "It's a boy." Yes, of course it's a boy. Like every other time before, the thought went through my mind, You don't really have to tell me, because somehow, someway, I already know. But they would not tell us. We would have to wait for the report to make it to my doctor. Then she would confirm my suspicions.

One week later . . . her words rang in my head . . . "Are you sure?" I said. No, you must be mistaken because I am always right.

But boy oh boy, one of us is wrong. According to the ultrasound, it's me.

when not enough is enough

2013-10-20T20:55:00.001-07:00

I have given all I have, there is nothing left to give. And it is still not enough. This is what my mind would tell me, and worry finds an open door and takes a front seat.

I cannot give it all, but I can give all I have. Some days

2013-08-24T17:56:00.001-07:00

I have hesitated writing this post for days now.

After all, who wants to hear it? Who wants to remember it?

But for those of you who love me and have inquired, here it is in all its splendour.

I am miserable. I feel like some super-bug has invaded my body and is going for total annihilation. My poor children have been fending for themselves in between others coming in here and there to rescue them from my unwilling abandon. The guilt grows every day. The house is falling apart, amidst the efforts of my mother-in-law trying to keep things together at the seams. When I hear her working away I want to tell her that she doesn't have to do that, but on the other hand I want to cry for gratitude - if she doesn't do it, who will? (I must give credit to my children who have tried to be helpful and to my husband who comes home every day after work to a messy house and hungry children - enter guilt once more.) I have not slept well for weeks as my body has decided that it needs to wake up and use the bathroom every hour ALL NIGHT LONG!

Somewhere in the middle of all of this perspective is lost. Life changes. And you wonder if it will
ever be the same again. I hate this illness. How can something so good feel so bad? I begin to feel as though it will never end and that I am not expecting a baby at all, put surviving an attack on my entire existence. Anger hits . . . and I entertain it for a moment. Somewhere between the prayers and the bathroom everything is lost in translation. I speak words of acceptance. I pray that I will be willing to accept His will for me, and yet I don't believe it. You see you can desire acceptance while longing for relief. I don't want to suffer this out. I want it taken away. Day after day, night after night, I begin to feel alone and unheard. I want to be better and I want to be better now. And when I am to exhausted to fight anymore and I feel beaten, it is then that the thought comes to my mind, Why do I want to be better? And as soon as I am will I forget at least in part my dependence on Him. This nightmare has a fairly tale ending (I pray). I will get better. This will pass. I will be okay. As much as I have forgotten what it even is to feel normal, I will once more.

And yet if I were to be totally honest I would have to say that when this phase is finished I will still have the reality of adding another soul to our family. The idea is daunting! I love this baby - love has nothing to do with it, but can I care for so many children? Can I, weak and flawed as I am, do a good job at raising people?

I read this quote among another amazing piece of written word, "You don't get to make up most of your story. You get to make peace with it." Perspective returns and I understand. No matter how well we plan, no matter how well we organize, things will happen. Life will throw us curve balls, and we will feebly swing, missing the mark and wondering what is wrong with us, with this. These curve balls can bring us to our end, no strategies left to attempt. And this is where God would have us come, not to stay, but to learn and then move on. This is where we make peace with our lives. Once we have let go the anger, hurt, surprise, unknowing, and reliance on our own strength, then can He step in and do his work. Then will the peace come, His peace. You see God does not sit around tallying all the times me mess up, all the things left on our to-do list at the end of the day. He is already and has always been at peace. He will count my prayers for acceptance of this illness, He will add up my good deeds for the day, even when they are grossly out numbered by the opposite. He will take all I have and ask nothing more and fill in where I lack.