All My Happy Thoughts

Dealing with Death... On Facebook

2012-01-02T22:50:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you'll be going through facebook and you'll come across a post from a friend that you don't really know all that well, but have known a long time. They write that one of their loved ones has died, and usually have an expression of their emotions; sometimes tasteful and trite, and others lengthy, whiney and laughable. These are tough posts to run into, especially if you're an atheist.

To the Morons Who Want to Ban Full Face Veils...

2011-04-11T11:00:00.000-07:00

There has been a law enacted in France banning the wearing of full-face veils. (http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/12/world/europe/12france.html) There is an idiotic portion of the US population that applauds this law and wishes that it be enacted here. Their reasons? Well, on facebook, Jacob Kaye had this to say, "@ Daniel - Let's be objective about this.. there are real security concerns and

The Great American Job Search - Door Tag Distributor

2011-04-11T07:18:00.001-07:00

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The Great American Job Search - Progressive Tele-Fundraiser

2011-04-07T06:41:00.000-07:00

Today I’ll be applying to be a fund raising representative for integral Resources, a group that supports nonprofit, democrat and progressive political organizations. If there’s one thing I like, it’s a progressive agenda. Taking tiny little bits of money from every citizen and having it redistributed while the re-distributors take their portion for themselves is something I just love. It

The Great American Job Search - Debt Collector

2011-04-06T05:37:00.000-07:00

Today I’ll be applying for a job at a collection agency. I just need 2 years experience in a professional environment. I guess somebody has to do this type of work and I hate equally those that take on too many financial commitments (including the younger version of myself) and those who act as the soldiers out there collecting that money. The thing that caught my eye with this job was the

The Great American Job Search - Gerneral Help (Hopefully as a Spelling Tutor)

2011-04-05T10:50:00.000-07:00

Holy fucking shitballs. This help wanted ad is just downright depressing. Here are the highlights of this help wanted ad: “◘ Love makeing money ? $$ Call today ◘ (Wilmington ma )” “Customer Service/Gerneral Help” “Must enjoy loud music and be able to work with oppisite sex dull and boaring need not apply!”http://boston.craigslist.org/nos/lab/2306755851.htmlIf there’s one thing that makes me

The Great American Job Search - Magnet Wristband Sales

2011-04-05T06:41:00.000-07:00

In my great American Job Search blog series, I came across this help wanted ad looking for salesmen for a high energy sport band (www.true-power.com). Here’s the ad: http://boston.craigslist.org/nos/ret/2304400347.html These bands get wrapped around some part of your body, I’m guessing your wrist or some other visible location so that they can market themselves. These bands help you by

The Great American Job Search - Job Application - Restaurant Manager

2011-04-04T07:53:00.000-07:00

Since Daniel Tosh stole my blog name and used it for his stand up special, I'm going in a different direction with the blog and I'm going to be applying for jobs (for real) and posting my cover letters here. If they respond, I'll be posting their responses too for your enjoyment. Today I’ll be applying for a job with no details and almost zero information on what the position actually is. To

The Word Teabagger Explained

2010-05-04T23:23:00.000-07:00

The word Teabagger broken down: In Jonathan Alter's "The Promise: President Obama, Year One," President Obama is quoted in a November 30, 2009, interview saying that the unanimous vote of House Republicans vote against the stimulus bills "set the tenor for the whole year ... That helped to create the tea-baggers and empowered that whole wing of the Republican Party to where it now controls the

Pakistani Car Bomber Helps Unemployment

2010-05-04T21:21:00.000-07:00

The unemployment level went down by one today as the man supposedly responsible for attempting to ignite a car bomb in NYC this past weekend was apprehended. He was a financial analyst in CT. With some experience in the financial industry myself, and the need for a job, I figured I'd get an open letter going so that I can try and secure his position. Dear financial firm that recently lost an

Tiger Woods Begins to Suck at Life

2010-04-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

Well, it is now official. Tiger Woods has officially started his decline in life. Earlier today, Tiger Woods' total of 153 on the first 36 holes, his worst ever in 14 years in the PGA tour, was not enough to allow him to continue in the Quail Hollow Championship. This is the first time in 7 years that he missed making the weekend cut and a sign that Tiger is really beginning to suck big huge

Answers to Tough Questions, Racism, Abortion, Drugs and Rights

2010-04-27T13:40:00.000-07:00

The topics of racism, abortion, drugs and rights come up all the time so I wanted to give a quick guide on how you're supposed to think about these things. Racism - Racism will exist forever because humans will always categorize things as that's the very purpose of language (to categorize the infinite amount of things and ideas on the planet and use a common system of communicating them). This

Atheists Declare May 6 National Masturbation Day

2010-04-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

In a response to the government sponsored National Prayer Day that is approaching on May 6, atheists that are concerned with the promotion of religious activities have decided that if they can't stop a holiday, they'll do what every other religion has done in the past, they'll call it something else and have it around, or exactly on, the same day. Atheist Chapter Leader in Massachusetts, Steven

Obama Suggests a New "Cum in Your Pants Tax" May Be an Option

2010-04-21T15:25:00.000-07:00

In recent news legislators have been quibbling over what to name the new tax being proposed by the Obama administration. While corporate lobbyists have suggested the name "Value Added Tax" in an effort to make citizens feel like they're getting value out of being bent over and pummeled in the anus by a group of salesmen on behalf of your owners, President Obama wants to go in a new direction and

Who Will Win the Race to End Humanity? Mother Nature, Democrats, Republicans?

2010-04-16T20:33:00.000-07:00

It appears the race to end humanity is plowing along full steam ahead. At CCUO, The Center for Calculating Unprovable Odds, there has been much movement this year. Republicans held the top spot from 2003 until March of 2010 when the passage of the Health Care Bill helped the Democrats into the lead. They didn't stay there for long though as the recent volcano in Iceland pushed Mother Nature on

Maryland Begins New Weight Loss Initiative

2010-04-13T20:33:00.000-07:00

As part of the current administrations pledge to fight obesity in America, a new initiative in Maryland was unveiled after a victorious dance was being displayed by a fat stupid kid after the Maryland basketball team beat Duke. Police Chief Andy Ellis released the following statement when shown the video tape. "Oh, yeah, this. This is part of what Michelle Obama has put together to try and

The Caffeinated Political Movement

2010-04-09T08:48:00.000-07:00

All the rage these days is having political movements based around typically warm, caffeinated drinks such as tea, coffee and even espresso. Ever since Sarah Palin hijacked the Tea Party movement, intelligent people everywhere have been scrambling to create new political movements primed for other morons to take over. It's still unclear whether the US citizens will expand their caffeinated

Prostitution Legalized in Effort to Eliminate Rape

2010-04-07T10:00:00.000-07:00

In a controversial move to fight the war on rape, government officials are planning to legalize prostitution. Republican Congressman Peter Lixcome had this to say about the new bill, "What this does is allow people that were raped to instead consider the act as unpaid for prostitution and now they will be able to sue for financial damages as well as press charges for sex theft." This measure is

How to Play the Jack King Off in Poker

2010-03-28T21:53:00.000-07:00

Poker players often use different pet names to label certain hands. For instance, being dealt an Ace and a King as your hole cards in NL Hold 'Em is known as the Anna Kornikova because the initials are the same (A/K) and the joke that follows when calling it the Anna Kornikova is that it looks good but never wins. In my time at the tables, I've come up with some other less frequently used names

Authorities Give Deaf Molested Kids a Taste of Their Own Medicine

2010-03-27T09:22:00.000-07:00

The Wisconsin School for the Deaf has been using a new and highly controversial method to try and cure their deaf children. Using the biblical notion of "do on to others," when the children were telling officials that Rev. Lawrence Murphy was handling their junk, they decided to ignore their calls for help to try and teach the kids that listening is a very important part of being Christian. The

Atheists Declare War on Saying "Bless You"

2010-03-26T13:29:00.000-07:00

From now on, when you hear a sneeze you may not be greeted with the familiar saying of "bless you" or "god bless you" but instead you may receive a verbal score on your sneeze. Representing the group Atheists With Nothing Better To Do, spokesperson Harry Stufonmyballz had this to say, "Well, we feel the outward blessing of people in public creates a lot of confusion for our children, so in our

Rep. Anthony Weiner Receives Unknown White Powder at Office

2010-03-25T12:45:00.000-07:00

Today, Democratic Representative, Anthony Weiner, received a threatening white powder at his Bronx office. A man with a large jacket, a baseball hat and facial hair walked in and delivered the goods directly to the secretary and an exchange of money was witnessed by an under cover agent. Government officials showed up 30 minutes later and no traces of the powder could be found except for small

The Nancy Pelosi Oral Poll

2010-03-25T12:20:00.000-07:00

This is an important poll that will most accurately gauge the political climate. Please follow the link and vote. Does the thought of Nancy Pelosi performing oral on you get you ready for action?

Obama Eliminates Consequences of Bad Luck with New Bill Sponsored by Nike

2010-03-24T11:23:00.000-07:00

In a shocking new move by the Obama administration, a new bill was passed that will have the power to eliminate the negative effects of bad luck for all Americans. While the health care bill was front and center of every media outlet, this masterpiece of legislation was being cultivated and has already been passed in an extremely bipartisan effort. It is unclear exactly how the bill will work

Barack Obama Celebrates Health Care Victory With Gary Coleman

2010-03-23T22:51:00.000-07:00

Gary Coleman, who has been without health insurance because of his pre-existing medical condition of being black, celebrates with White House Democrats in their victory in getting him health care. When VP Joe Biden was asked about what this means for America he quickly stated, "This is a big fucking deal for some really fucking small people." It is not clear why Emmanuel Lewis was not invited