A poster on Reddit has gone viral after seeking advice on whether she should break up with her fiance to let him be with her sister, and fury erupted when the truth about their relationship emerged.

In the post, the 25-year-old woman wrote that she had been engaged to her fiance for about a month when she began noticing unsettling dynamics between him and her older sister, Tara.

Described as outgoing and beautiful, she had seemingly bonded with OP’s fiance in a way that made her feel like the odd one out in her own relationship.

The OP revealed how her family frequently made comments suggesting her fiance and sister were better suited for each other…

…She wrote: “I confronted my now ex-fiance. He was sleeping with my sister, and my entire family knew.” She closed the post by thanking commenters for their support and writing that she was “done with this site for now.”

Family and couple’s therapist Debra Castaldo spoke to Newsweek about the situation, describing the family’s behavior as emotionally abusive.

Read my full commentary on this situation at Newsweek.com

The need to fake an orgasm usually stems from poor communication, lack of trust, and lack of emotional intimacy between the couple, Dr. Castaldo told Bustle. “Most likely, one partner is growing weary, the other partner is not tuned in enough, and the couple is uncomfortable opening up to one another to share suggestions and feelings during the sexual experience.

If you are keeping your feelings, likes, and dislikes secret from your partner, you are denying him or her the opportunity to learn about your sexuality and how to please you, and this can happen at any stage of relationship.

READ THE FULL ARTICLE AT BUSTLE.COM

Instead, taking time to focus on personal growth, work on sobriety, seek solid therapy, and break the cycle of relationship failure is crucial. Healing takes time, and that’s perfectly okay. I shared more of my thoughts on this topic in a recent TheyGossip article addressing the J. Lo and Ben Affleck split.

READ THE FULL ARTICLE HERE

Image courtesy of TheGossip.com / Elsa Gecaj

We haven’t had sex or affection in years. What can we do to get our intimate life vibrant again?

Answer:

Many couples make the mistake of trying to jump back into sex without warming up the embers of closeness, companionship, and affection first. Here are four easy steps to start waking up passion and romance with the partner you already have:

1. Kitchen dancing is a great way to have fun and remember the feeling of your bodies being next to each other and moving in sync. Make a playlist that you both love and gets your desire activated!
2. Twenty second hugs and six second kisses can get your warmth and connection fired up! Skip those chicken pecks on the cheek and those cold, detached hugs!
3. Lastly, commit yourselves as a team to getting in bed, skin to skin, two times per week. There should be no expectation other than to hold one another until you are completely relaxed. If you do progress to sex as a result, that is fine as well. You may want to hold off and let the sexual tension build for a little while.

The benefits of a vibrant sex life are many! Besides the actual physical health benefits, the emotional validation is critical to mental health and emotional wellness. It’s the way partners continually express acceptance, wanting, and validation to each other.

These three tips are a great start into returning to love, romance, passion, and creating a relationship that will nourish you for the long term!

From Dr. Deb’s upcoming book: The Return to Love Playbook

Check out my book, Relationship Reboot, for some helpful tips on keeping your long-term relationship healthy.

Bill Briggs for Today.com

Sandra Titus mists up with a mere glance at her adopted daughter’s baby photos.

After the adoption went through last November, Sandra and her husband, Ross, reveled in their new family’s first Christmas together. One of their first gifts to their daughter Jillian: a sterling silver baby cup engraved with her new initials.

“To me, the cup means: ‘We’ll always make sure you’re taken care of,’ and no one can touch the fact that we’re family, that it’s unbreakable, irreversible. It’s priceless,” Jillian says.

Impressive words from the “baby” of the family. But then, Jillian Titus is 29, and an executive at Nintendo in Redmond, Wash. Her new parents — Sandra, 49, and Ross, 46 — also work at the video game company. The trio met at the office in 2008 and, initially, bonded over their Boston terriers. They later asked a judge to approve their homemade family for two reasons: love and money.

Adult adoptions appear to be rising in America, according to Chuck Johnson, president and CEO of the National Council For Adoption. The advocacy group is the only organization that tallies the number of domestic adoptions taking place in the U.S., said Johnson, though it does not specifically track adult adoptions. Statistics are difficult to compile, experts say, because many states still mandate that adoption court records are sealed and confidential.

“But anecdotally, it does seem to be occurring more frequently,” Johnson said. The most common scenario he sees: former foster children — now adults — who are being adopted by their long-time foster parents. In rare cases, adoption experts say, adults who have lost or are estranged from their biological parents befriend older people who begin to feel like mothers and fathers — and they ultimately seek to legalize that emotional attachment.

“No matter how old you are,” Johnson said, “you never lose the desire for a family.”

Adoption can help provide a feeling of stability, says Deb Castaldo, an adoption therapist in Englewood, N.J., and a faculty member at the Rutgers University School of Social Work.

“Why would someone want to do this as an adult? Many reasons. First, wanting to remove the stigma of not having a family, of not having a feeling of permanence,” she said. “You can imagine what it’s like for someone who has no sense of belonging.”

In addition to grown foster children yearning to legalize an emotional link long felt with their foster parents — or grown stepchildren with their stepparents — same-sex couples who can’t legally marry are also using adult adoptions to ensure that when one partner dies, his or her split of family money goes to the other partner. Also, in rare instances, orphaned adults who are physically or mentally incapacitated are adopted by caretakers who then become authorized to make medical or financial decisions.

But in an age when the explosive question: “What defines a family?” can divide even, well, families, the most unique adoptions are those that legally unite adults who have never shared a home, much less the pages of a family photo album.

People like Sandra, Ross and Jillian Titus.

Each of Jillian’s biological parents — who divorced shortly after her birth in Cheyenne, Wyo. — are alive, although Jillian is estranged from her “ex-mom” and “ex-dad,” as she calls them.

Until she grew close to Sandra and Ross Titus, Jillian rarely told anyone about the dark corners of her upbringing. They include, she said, a father who once fired a gun at her while he was drunk and a mother who routinely abused cocaine and who chased so many men around the country that Jillian attended 13 different schools.

When Jillian was 16, police raided her Seattle home and arrested her mom for drug possession.  With her mom in prison, Jillian slept on friends’ couches and floors as she finished high school. At 17, she enlisted in the U.S. Army, spending eight years in the reserves to help pay for her college education.

‘Why don’t you just hurry up and adopt me?’

Three years ago, Jillian took a job as a buyer at Nintendo. She worked with Ross, who schedules packaging and shipping. And she spent employee-orientation time with Sandra, a human resources manager. Ross and Sandra have no biological kids, only grown stepchildren from previous marriages. A fast friendship soon developed.

“From day one, I was so drawn to Jillian. I noticed her laugh. I thought, ‘Look at that cute little monkey,’” Sandra said. “Not having any kids, it didn’t occur to me that it might be maternal stuff I was feeling.”

Each new man in Jillian’s life had to pass muster during evenings spent at Ross and Sandra’s home in Redmond. In jest, Jillian later began calling the older woman, “Mama.” As their mutual trust and affinity deepened, Jillian once quipped: “Oh, why don’t you just hurry up and adopt me!”

That got Sandra thinking — she Googled “adult adoptions” and learned they are legal in Washington.

Most states allow adult adoptions, according to the National Council For Adoption, though several restrict the process. In Alabama, only totally and permanently disabled adults can be adopted; in Illinois, adults may be adopted if they have resided in the petitioner’s home for two consecutive years in a parent-child relationship, according to Adopting.org.

“Did you know,” Sandra asked Ross last year, “you can adopt a grownup?”

“Jillian?” he responded.

“That’s what I’m thinking.”

“Well, I’d be up for that,” he said.

Last summer, Sandra gingerly suggested the adoption to Jillian, opening with “At the risk of scaring you to death, we’re not joking. We want to adopt you.”

“Well,” Jillian answered with a smile, “what do we do? Seal it with a hug?”

They hugged. But they also hired Dave Andersen, a Seattle attorney who handles about three adult adoptions per year. The process took three months, and they became a legal family on November 18, 2010.

Few restrictions

Despite the nuanced restrictions some states have enacted for adult adoptions, the legal language in many states seems to simply boil down to this: “Adults may be adopted with consent of the person to be adopted,” according to Adopting.org. For example, Washington — like many states — does not mandate that any sort of age gap exist between the adoptive parents and their new, adult child, Andersen said. What’s more, consent of the birth parents is rarely required.

“A lot of times, the statutes are one-size-fits-all,” Andersen said. “All that’s required, in general, is that the adoptive person be over 18. And from there on, it’s really at the discretion of the court.”

In fact, adult adoptions aren’t laced with the vast amount of formal, long-term scrutiny that precedes and accompanies child adoptions, Andersen said.

“For under-18 adoptions, (would-be) parents have to jump through a lot of hoops: FBI fingerprint checks, abuse and neglect (legal) checks, medical and financial statement (reviews), and then the social worker goes out to your house” to assess the situation, Andersen said. For adult adoptions, “you don’t have any social background checks, no home studies or pre-placement reports.”

But, as is typical with child adoptions, a new birth certificate was issued for Jillian, listing her original birth county but changing the names of her mother and father. She also legally took Ross and Sandra’s last name. The decree of adoption officially made Ross and Sandra the parents of Jillian, her new next-of-kin.

The Tituses are comforted, they said, by the legal permanence of the adult adoption. While some state laws on the process may differ slightly, this uncommon form of family tie can, hypothetically, only be un-done in Washington if the adopted person later repeats the process with another adult or with another couple, Andersen said. Conversely, if adoptive parents later seek to bar a new son or daughter from inheriting their money, they can simply write that adopted person out of the will.

Adoption can trigger complex emotions

Neither Sandra and Ross — nor Jillian — harbor any plans to ever dismantle their new family. But in some cases, adult adoptions may contain hidden, emotional landmines, said Castaldo, the New Jersey adoption therapist.

“The actual finalization of adoption in adulthood can symbolize a myriad of complex, mixed emotions,” Castaldo said. “Even when the adoption has been greatly desired by all parties, becoming an ‘instant family’ can be unexpectedly emotionally wrenching.

“Similar to divorce, (it) can awaken deep sadness of all the losses that have led to this moment. Since there is often no formal grieving process, those feelings can resurface at significant moments in the adoptee’s life when it is least expected.”

For Jillian, there were early concerns, she acknowledged, about how her birth mother would respond. Although her birth mother is aware of the adoption, she has not communicated with her daughter about it. “I did talk to my (maternal) grandmother early on and she reminded me that my birth mom always prioritized her feelings over mine, always made everything in our interactions about how she felt.”

Her grandmother urged her to go through with the adoption.

“I now know what it feels like,” Jillian added, “to have a real mom and dad who love you and prioritize you. I’m starting to feel that stability and trust you get from having a family.”

While Jillian has maintained her own residence — in Seattle, about 15 miles from her new parents — Sandra also admitted wrestling with a new feeling after the adoption: motherly anxiety.

“I about died when Jillian went to Paris by herself in April. Just this year, she’s vacationed in Paris, Miami, Las Vegas, and San Francisco, and I go into mother hen mode each time,” Sandra said. “Thank God, she sends texts day and night to let us know she’s OK and having fun … I think we have an appreciation for one another that many ‘original’ families don’t ever experience.”

Not long ago, Sandra got her first glimpse of Jillian’s baby pictures: a days-old infant dressed in a pink outfit, wrapped in a pink- crocheted blanket.

“If I just think about those baby pictures, it chokes me up,” Sandra said. “I can’t believe she’s mine.”

READ THE FULL ARTICLE HERE

Rhonda: 56, guidance counselor

Bill: 58, unemployed

Married: 34 years

Kids: Eric, 26; Jeannie, 24

The Counselor

Debra Castaldo, PhD, Midland Park, New Jersey

The Background

Rhonda and Bill were looking forward to their empty-nest years together — until Bill had a mini-stroke and had to stop working. Now he’s depressed and distant and Rhonda’s not sure how much longer she can cope with his neglect.

Rhonda:

Bill’s depressed. I get it. He lost his job and he’s on disability — this isn’t the way things were supposed to be. It’s been really hard for both of us. But I’m starting to feel like I’m in this alone.

Bill:

I don’t think Rhonda can possibly understand what I’m going through. Nobody can. I was a firefighter for 18 years and then decided to switch careers at 40. I went back to school and got a degree in computers and worked as a systems analyst for 13 years. I was in line for a big promotion when the stroke completely changed my life. I never fully recovered from it and I started making mistakes and forgetting things at work, so I had to quit. I’m not just depressed. I’m angry. I know how lucky I am that I can walk and talk. But the brain damage is significant enough that I can’t go back to my career, or really any job. I get tired and overwhelmed when I do too much, and my mind shuts down. What on earth am I supposed to do now? What’s my purpose in life?

Rhonda:

I know it’s selfish, but I’m angry, too. Even though it’s no one’s fault, I’m so resentful that this has happened. I just didn’t bank on having to take care of my husband at this age. Sometimes it feels like I’ve gone from his wife to his mother. I’ve desperately been trying to help him find more meaning in his life, but talking to him is like trying to talk to a brick wall. I ask him how he’s feeling and he doesn’t respond. Bill’s always been the kind of guy who holds his emotions in, but it never bothered me before. Now I wish he’d open up to me but I don’t know how to make him do that. I suggest new goals for his life, like volunteering, but he says he’s not interested. I can’t even get him off the couch to take a walk with me or go to the mall. It’s like he’s completely checked out of life and our marriage.

Bill:

Rhonda always wants to help. That’s what she does — she likes to control things, fix things, but she doesn’t understand that she can’t fix this. And what good will talking about it do? I’m mad because I lost my job and there’s nothing I can do to get it back. I grew up with this image of what a husband and father is: a strong provider. That’s what I’ve been to Rhonda and our kids for our entire marriage, but I’m not that man anymore.

She Controls, He Neglects

Rhonda:

Bill is an amazing father, and he’s so strong — those are some of the things that I love about him. But it’s true that he’s not the man that I married. Bill used to be so romantic. Now, when I come out of the bathroom after my bubble bath in the evening with a sexy nightgown on, he doesn’t even look at me. I even ask him to come over and cuddle, and I get no response. One night I just sat there with tears streaming down my face. I feel completely invisible.

Bill:

I know I upset her. I know that I neglect her. But I’m really not doing it intentionally. I love Rhonda. There’s just nothing I can do to ease her pain, because I don’t even know how to make myself happy. I feel like a zombie sometimes. When she’s at work, I take a lot of long drives and listen to music because it’s the only time I can actually relax and take my mind off things. I’m so bored. I miss my career. I miss seeing people every day. And I don’t feel like I’m doing my share at home.

Rhonda:

Oh, the driving! I didn’t really know that he was doing that for the longest time and then after a few months I noticed that we were missing a lot of money. Bill has always handled our finances and been very responsible, but suddenly he was spending money on ridiculous things — fast food, stuff at the mall, gas to drive all over the place — that added up to a lot over time. I realized I was that stupid woman who doesn’t know what’s going on with her own finances, because her husband’s always been in charge. And then, once I found out about it, I realized that I was going to have to take control of our money. It was just one more thing that had changed and one more thing I didn’t want to have to deal with.

Bill:

I don’t even know why I was buying things, except out of boredom. Or maybe it was to prove that I could. I mean, even though I’m not working I’m still bringing the same amount of money into the house through my pension and disability. I get why Rhonda wanted to take over the finances, but I don’t like asking for money like a child when I want to do something. It makes me feel worse.

Rhonda:

Then we’re even. Because having a husband who doesn’t even notice me or want to spend any time with me makes me feel horrible about myself. He doesn’t know it, but I’ve started fantasizing about cheating. Just the idea of being with someone with no complications — someone who notices me and appreciates me — is so tempting. I feel guilty even thinking about it, but I do have this guy friend and we’ve gotten close to crossing the line. I never thought I would be that kind of person. And I’m still not sure I could cheat, but the feelings scare the hell out of me. I’m basically just doing everything I can to make it through each day. Work is a relief. On weekends I try to stay as busy as I can by going to the gym, shopping…basically, I’ll do anything to get out of the house. I know I said for better or for worse, but I didn’t know it would ever be this bad. I want my old Bill — and my old marriage — back, but it feels like it’s gone for good.

The Counselor’s Turn

Bill and Rhonda thought they had very modern, egalitarian ideas about marriage. But when Bill stopped working, both found themselves bumping up against more traditional expectations. In their early years Bill had been an equal partner in raising their kids, working at night and caring for them when Rhonda was at work during the day. He was also attentive, romantic, and made Rhonda feel desired. He was a strong, stable provider Rhonda could depend on.

But all that changed when Bill had the stroke and lost his job. Like many men, Bill’s sense of self was intrinsically tied to his career and financial well-being. Losing them brought on a deep depression.

Although Rhonda had a successful career and she shared financial responsibilities in her marriage, she still held on to the traditional idea that she should be taken care of by a man. She never imagined that instead she would become Bill’s caretaker — a role she resented. To make matters worse, Bill’s depression shut down his sex drive, which ultimately affected Rhonda’s self-esteem.

The first thing I did was to encourage Rhonda and Bill to mourn the loss of their dreams. I explained that the pattern of anger and resentment they’d been locked into was not only destructive but it was also distracting them from their true emotions. What they were both really feeling was grief, so they needed to work on that issue first. To improve their communication, they had to start by talking honestly about what they’d lost.

Then Bill needed to pull himself up out of his depression — and he needed to do it alone. Rhonda didn’t realize that when she tried to fix things for him she only made him feel like a child. I asked her to hold back on giving Bill suggestions about how to overcome his depression and encouraged her to let him struggle with it on his own, knowing that he would feel better about himself if he was the one who found solutions.

Bill also began coming to see me alone. We worked on reducing his anxiety and boosting his self-image. I also talked to Bill about the importance of keeping a schedule and staying active during the day. He took over the grocery shopping and cooking, drove his mother-in-law to her medical appointments, and began forcing himself to get to the gym in the mornings. It wasn’t the same as having a job, but it was a mood booster. Bill found that he liked cooking and that his workouts were making him feel better and stronger.

Next, we had to tackle their communication problems. Bill and Rhonda had not had a real life crisis before, so they weren’t used to discussing difficult issues. This upheaval showed them that they didn’t really know how to talk to each other. I encouraged Rhonda and Bill to start expressing their feelings and coached them on how to listen, acknowledge what their partner was saying, and give back an understanding response. We also had to break Rhonda’s habit of speaking for Bill or jumping in whenever he’d pause. The less she jumped in, the more he expressed himself. I told Bill that he had to come up with some response to Rhonda’s feelings, even if he felt uncomfortable doing so — he couldn’t just sit there in silence.

After we worked on their individual issues, it was time to shift this couple back into team mode. To deal with Bill’s financial irresponsibility, Rhonda had slipped into a parental role. They needed to find a way to handle their finances as equal partners. They agreed to sit down together every week and come up with the family’s budgets and plans together. They’d never done that before and it helped level out the imbalance in their relationship.

When it came to their sex life, I asked them to state clearly in one sentence what they each wanted. Rhonda wanted Bill to initiate sex, and Bill wanted to regain their sexual connection, too. He agreed to try to initiate sex even when he wasn’t feeling confident. They also worked on touching and hugging each other more in general.

Because of the drastic change in their roles, Bill and Rhonda were forced to build a new relationship from the ground up. I call it Phase Two of their marriage. They had to let go of what they thought their lives would look like and work with what life had handed them — together. And though the transition was rocky at times, they definitely made it to the other side. As Rhonda told me in her last session: “As good as our marriage was before Bill had the stroke, I think we’re better now. We know each other so much more deeply and even though our lives have changed a lot and we still have struggles with his health, I think we’re getting stronger.”

Can This Marriage Be Saved??, a feature in Ladies Home Journal, was the most enduring women’s magazine feature in the world. This story is based on the files of Debra Castaldo, PhD, author of Relationship Reboot. The story told here is true although names and other identifying information have been changed to conceal identities.

Read the full story here