A Work In Progress

Encouraging One Another

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 15:33:00 +0000

This rainy Monday morning provides evidence that the seasons are changing. We have gone from super hydration for a streak of 90+ degree weather, a child that runs cross country at extreme temperatures and the realization that we can get fatigued from doing simply life chores in extreme weather to this. (I think its age.) This is rain, jackets, plans A/B/C for clothing and a reminder of gloomy weather days to come. More than just the weather changing, I'm realizing that I'm changing too. (I use the picture to remind myself, there's beauty in what I experience too.)

India Irie has a song about the little things that at various stages of life I really thought I understood. It reteaches me at various seasons that the little things are ever changing. On a recent girlfriends trip I carried a small paperback book called "Encouraging One Another" and found little time to read it while I was there. The trip was 100% fun and sun, new experiences, stretching beyond my comfort zone and a daily opportunity to encourage one of the ladies that I was traveling with, with ample opportunities for me to be encouraged as well. When you are in an extreme situation, you don't really need a reminder about encouragement, it happens naturally. 24 hours state side and I started reading the book in detail. (It was actually less than 24 hours.)

Psalm 69:32 indicates "Be Encouraged, You Who Worship GOD." This very short verse offers clarity that on its own merit should encourage my heart, the instructions are clear. Be encouraged, you who worship God. I worship God, I should be encouraged. I believe that I'm a remedial case in basic life instruction because I have a lifetime of evidence that my God is real, and an on-time God, and at my most difficult hours He has been the only encouragement that mattered or made a difference. But there are seasons of glass half empty that I'm working to navigate better and believing that part of that requires the ability to radically impact others in a way that matters. After all, I have 4 decades of life experience at this point, and something should be the focus of my attention other than that math equation. (The trip was self-encouragement about embracing this phase of life.)

My little devotional introduced a concept for sentimental me, a trinket to treasure in every chapter. There are little images that symbolize the concepts that book tries to reinforce. The first is a baseball, a reminder that our Savior is in the stands as we live life, shouting fiercely, "Atta girl, you can do it!" Any parent who has attended a gymnastics, swim, basketball, soccer, track, cheerleading or football game weekly understands the obligations that come about. No matter what you are feeling, you go to the stands and turn off life to turn on "supportive parent" offering encouragement with little delusion that an Olympic star is on the horizon. (Gifted scholarship recipient maybe.... but not Olympics. Yet.) How much more does our God care for us? He doesn't have to turn it on or fight through what might or might not happen as a result of these skills in the future. Our God sets the standard for encouragement. I am a slow learner.

I have been discussing love languages with my children, a fascinating exploration of what ministers most to our spirit - an exercise in self-assessment, priorities and cyclical grief - not all love languages are created equal. When you know a persons love language, you can offer encouragement in the way that matters most to the person. My love language is acts of service and all other things come in a distant second, third or fourth place. My return from my trip has been filled with daily trinkets and lessons, the little things, and a BIG realization that I'm not on vacation any more. Welcome home.

May I suggest (to all 5 readers!), write a list of the little things that routinely touch your life or encourage your heart. Create a smile file so you have something to remind you of yourself when it starts to disappear. It can undoubtedly change the course of your day. When you weave them together, something nearly magical happens. You are released from your own circumstances when you remind yourself of the reasons to smile, and when you encourage someone else - regardless of your circumstances. My little things have been in abundance over the last week and I felt inspired to share:

I wasn't off the plane for 15 minutes, when I noticed a weeks worth of mail on my dashboard. I was anticipating the number of people who would want something from me, bills in abundance and reminders of what I had not done in my day life. I found, however, a beautiful card that brought tears to my eyes, as a member of my ministry wrote "we watch you and wonder in amazement - I see you." Enough said, I didn't open another thing. Trinket - a card.
I have started texting my high school BFF, a practice that has brought joy to my life. I shared a few recommendations about fairly personal products and was happy to have her report, "you done good." From high school exchanges about mean girls to adult travel and new life choices, I was reminded of the quote " make new friends, but keep the old - one is like silver, the other is gold." I had gold brought back into my life and have embraced more responsibility in keeping it deemed precious. Trinket - gold.

Don't expect a list of sentimental hoopla and wonderful reflections on the good life. I returned home to 5 consecutive days of ministry obligation, and I needed a sugar rush by day 4. On a particular church anniversary night every plan for our Nursery ministry started to fall through the cracks - location, volunteers, set-up, etc. I was solidifying my nerves when I encountered a happy praise fest that still lingers in my heart. Surrounded by thousands of dollars of computer equipment, we created an island oasis in the corner of the room, where praises went up - and poop, and the temperature, laughter too - and my attitude went down. You simply cannot have a bad attitude and serve children well. It helps when you are surrounded with enough love, laughter, latitude and longevity to keep it all in perspective. I require women in my circle who have experienced more of life than the law should allow, who praise God fiercely in spite of their circumstances and who smile through the challenges of life. Trinket - diapers. I'm still laughing.

At a Youth Experience I asked a group of female teenagers to describe what they could tell about me from the outside, or from what they encounter - based on their level of exposure. Some girls had known me for 3 hours, some for nearly 3 years. The list of items that they observed - mother, smiling, teacher, encourager, AKA, woman of God, truth teller, ministry worker..... and wife. Every time I'm with the young people they indicate they observe me as wife. (No pressure, right?) The trinket for this simple exercise is that of sunglasses. No matter how cool you might aspire to be, people see you. Right or wrong, accurate or inaccurate - they see you. When I'm seen I want to be the full, complete, total woman of God I aspire to be. I want to be a package to behold that is not placed into a tiny box based on one affiliation, one characteristic or one short coming. I am indeed the many things that they shared - with a healthy dose of sarcasm, dry humor, type A personality, loner and crybaby to boot. I am me. Carry your sunglasses as a trinket to see clearly, in the midst of the beaming rays of Son from our Saviour - because God sees you as you really are. And. He. Still. Loves. YOU!

All conversations are not created equal. The trinket in this last lesson would be a monkey, one that could see, hear, and most importantly speak no evil. I returned with a desire to create encouragement where I need it most - or at least where I need it more. I have had a desire for couples fellowship that was substantive, entertaining, accountable... and in a recent conversation I shared that desire. I left thinking that I would help to be a catalyst for an important couples fellowship, fill a need that exists in the lives of many women I know, I was just thrilled at the future success. Two days later I had a conversation that resembled a game of grade school telephone the summarized less than one-tenth of my thoughts about the couples to, or not to include. I had become the catalyst in a game of dominoes that seemed to topple over creating messiness along the way. I felt both responsible and grieved all at the same time. Once I started writing out the scriptures in the Bible that dealt with the power of the tongue and I realized that God was intentional in encouraging us to listen for wisdom, talk less. The little monkey trinket serves as my reminder for that now - I think I'll live the marriage encouragement for those who have proven themselves something other than a nuisance. I think I'll save that outreach until I've gotten more resolved about the essence of Encouraging One Another.

So, my love language is acts of service. Anyone within a 3,000 mile radius can figure that out and shhhh! (they don't even have to be in my circle to figure it out). My greatest pet peeve is messy relationships, when that ship has sailed I paddle backwards, use the paddles for firewood, chart a different course and eliminate the directions for that course - as to never cross it again. I'm old(er) and I'd like to both learn from my lessons and believe people the first time when they show who they are. I must admit however, I'm so thankful for those who have opted to love me in spite of myself. They are a rescue team of sorts - they are my tea-drinking, coffee supporting, laughter inspiring, card sending, note writing, PhD pursuing, motherhood perfecting, wine sipping, God loving, marriage surviving, marriage thriving, friendship protecting - friends. (And not in that order.) They likely don't need a book about Encouraging One Another - but they are smart enough to seek help from the sources that encourage most. It might be a book, or The BOOK, but their intentions are always pure. That quality is rare and I'm personally thankful for it. They encourage me. They hearten my spirit. They move me to push past the frailties in my life, as I aspire to be more encouraging to me, to my friends, and to others.

Sickle Cell, fighting an "Orphan Disease" without a face

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 12:35:00 +0000

Julie, Rebekkah, Danielle, Kayla, Jada, Jasmine, Jannifer.......

Sickle Cell Does have a face.

I'm not certain how you generate interest in the Indianapolis 15^th Annual Sickle Cell Walk, when on any given basis it is known as, "An Orphan Disease." My daughter understood that at 10 years of age, others not so quickly. I'm not quite sure what the correct definition of Orphan Disease should be, but in my experience it boils down to dollars and cents. If there are no clear cut ways to make a profit, it becomes harder to attract pharmaceutical and health care support for a tremendous cause.

While it might be an orphan to someone, I have a friend who has been fighting the disease her entire life, and the last thing anyone with Sickle Cell needs is another missed opportunity to promote awareness. We need encouragement to know your sickle cell status, hope for a cure and the advocacy needed to help educate people to understand why they should care. The 15th Annual Sickle Cell Walk offers an opportunity, but people will really make the difference for the upcoming Be The Match Bone Marrow Drive and Charity Walk.

My personal connection with Sickle Cell came as an adult when I had complications with each pregnancy. My doctor asked if I had Sickle Cell or Sickle Cell Trait and I said no. She tested me anyway and indicated that I was a carrier. Wow. How is it even possible for an adult to have the trait for a serious chronic disease and be completely unaware? I had been married nearly 10 years, I was well past 30 years old and I was clueless about my anemia, Sickle Cell Disease and a host of other factors that make it ironic that I'm now a champion for the cause. It simply makes no sense to me that due to the population that is impacted, the treatment regimen, the lack of advocacy and pure disparities in health care - Sickle Cell seems to be a lost cause in our society. There is so much work to be done.

A sorority member shared recently that she lost one of her sands due to Sickle Cell Disease. I was quickly doing the math and realizing that this was another young woman who likely never saw her 40th birthday. Team Rebekkah has been created in her honor, and I'm reminded about what can happen with the passion of a committed few. How many Rebekkah's do we have to lose before we realize that lives are too precious to ignore the impact of this deadly disease. Based on life expectancy with SCD alone, I'd be past my prime. I look at my children, my life, my friends, my church, my community, my family and I realize that I'm a fragile work in progress - and I have so much work to do. How is it that people don't see the need to eliminate this "Orphan Disease" orientation - it would lessen if we rallied together and had a collective voice about why Sickle Cell matters. Team Rebekkah will be doing that as they celebrate the life of a young woman that matters. Not mattered. She continues to matter enough to be a catalyst for action. Her life matters.

So, a campaign to register donors for bone marrow transplants comes to the 15^th Annual Sickle Cell Walk on Saturday, June 25, from 7:00 a.m. – 12:00 noon at Riverside Park. That's what I thought I was going to talk about as Martin Center, Inc. celebrates over 40 years of service to the Sickle Cell community, the time is now to encourage all community members to Be The Match and give hope to those who need a bone marrow transplant. I'm flooded with stories, people, young women who matter, and I believe that each of those lives should generate more interest. More support. More action.

I'm drawn to the stories of young women. There is a 14 year old young woman in New York, Hunter, that has been cured from the disease as a result of a bone marrow transplant from a non-related donor. I'd like to think that stories like hers resonate with enough people to make Bone Marrow Registry important. I'd like to think that we care about the value of a life beyond socio-economic status, culture, race or ethnicity. After 4 decades of life, however, the writing seems all too clear. The growing population of people impacted by Sickle Cell Disease doesn't seem sexy enough to garner the attention, research dollars, support, advocacy and momentum needed to change the future. My writing hiatus has ended because I just don't understand it. How is it possible to know just one of these stories and not take the time to get educated and take action?

The Bone Marrow drive effort on Saturday, June 25, at Riverside Park in Indy is free and open to the public, starting at 7:15 a.m. A person needing a bone marrow transplant (recipient) needs to receive marrow from someone whose tissue type is close to his/her own type. It is more likely that a donor who comes from the same racial or ethnic group as the recipient will have the same tissue traits. Less than 30% of registered donors are individuals of color, although Sickle Cell Disease and other chronic diseases do not discriminate. I am encouraging anyone who will listen, and ALL of my community members to Get Involved, Give Back and Live Smart.

Individuals can register for the Sickle Cell 5K Walk/Run for $20 which includes a commemorative t-shirt, at www.themartincenter.org. Proceeds from the walk support the needed programs and services including an onsite food pantry, scholarship fund, free screening services for sickle cell, cholesterol, blood pressure and glucose, in addition to needed educational & social services provided by Martin Center. The reality is, however, that is only part of the story. We need to get educated, rally together, advocate and change lives.

Demitrea Kelley, Miss Black Indiana 2011, is changing lives too. This young woman has a reason to be passionate, as SCD hits really close to home for her. I'm more impressed, however, that my fellow Boilermaker was driven to organize a Blood Drive and get people to do something to bring awareness to this disease and save lives. Transfusions are a reality for those who are impacted by this disease. I know all too well the concerns, fears and impact of having a blood transfusion, much less a lifetime of transfusions. This young woman realizes the power of one. We'd be in a different place if each and every one of us realized our power, together. Demitrea gives me hope that young women that I'm close too will recognize their power, rally beyond their pain and tell their story. The disease does not discriminate agains socio-economic groups, race, ethnicity or brilliance. I know a fiercely smart, gifted and blessed high school student with amazing potential that fights this deadly disease every day. I want her to realize that there are millions of us standing next to her, ready to support her, ready to fight for the cure that she deserves. Until then, she has a life to lead and a legacy to create, and I want to see it written with energy, with excellence and free from constant pain.

Marrow transplants are the main treatment for certain life-threatening diseases like Sickle Cell. Only 30 percent of people who need such transplants have a family member who can donate bone marrow. The other 70 percent rely on people who have registered with Be The Match so they can provide bone marrow for those who need it. I have a friend who has been sick for the past week, and I don't know her pain. I do know that she is in pain, she is a mother, she is a wife, she is in pain and she cannot reach her fullest potential on pain medications. Her story matters to me. There are 100,000 stories. Who do they matter to?

My plea is simple: Get Involved, Give Back, Live Smart.

The 15^th Annual Walk hosted Saturday, June 25, 2011 is timed 5K Walk/Run with a Kid’s Zone Activity and Education Center. Riverside Park celebrates their 100^th Anniversary with this historic 5K Walk/Run, where community members, volunteers and clients alike join together to increase awareness about Sickle Cell Disease. Interested individuals can register at www.themartincenter.org. Martin Center, Inc. is a 501c3 tax-exempt, charitable organization.

If you are reading this, you can make a difference today! I'm simply wondering does it always have to hit close to home before we do something. I feel like I'm always doing something, but maybe I'm not doing enough. I have platforms, I have stories, I have recommendations, but I require more action. The lack of movement makes me absolutely nuts. I don't have to walk a mile in someone else's shoes to realize, they really hurt. Pain shouldn't be a way of life, but a call to action.

Register to join the 5K Walk/Run on June 25, 2011 by logging onto www.themartincenter.org and clicking on the walk logo sponsored by HotBed Creative.
Make a tax-deductible contribution at the walk registration site, or mail your donation to 3549 N. College Ave., Indianapolis, IN 46205.
Volunteer as an individual, group, or team – June 24 and June 25, 2011, call 927-5158 today.
Honor the life or the memory of a loved one by Getting Involved, Giving Back and Living Smart. Martin Center, Inc. needs you.

Who's Got Your Back?

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 03:40:00 +0000

I really had the best of intentions - a lesson about everyone in life having something missing. I had been reflecting on my teaching assignment for our Teen Ministry and had a relatively rare set of nerves about talking to this audience. I had come to believe that it mattered to me so much, that there were butterflies in my stomach for several days. This seems nuts to me.

As a trainer, facilitator and speaker - this is what I do. I teach lessons all the time, and given that I did indeed prepare the lesson in advance, I couldn't understand why my stomach did turns. Fast forward, I have their attention, we are in an active dialogue, I'm elated that they are talking about the characteristics that define relationship and then I decide... it is time for the illustration. I'm leading up to the most important relationship in our lives... the one with God. At least that is what I thought.

With a bakers dozen of mixed up bagels and cream cheese one unseasoned teen teacher heads down what was a very clear pathway in my mind. "We are all born with something missing. No matter what we try to do to fill the hole, we will always have that something missing. We tend to fill that hole with stuff - hobbies, activities, a need for attention, material things, music, overcompensation, people. We fill the hole with people, often broken people just like us. We keep putting the wrong things in the hole and it never gets filled up." I just kept going.

The facial expressions went from interested and engaged to "um, is she going to say that one more time?" And yes, for effect, I did indeed keep asking about that empty hole being filled in. Let's just say...I am working to readjust my memory of the lesson and combine pre and post bagel teaching, forever erasing the bagel illustration. In fact, I'm hoping my confidence and dignity return any day now.

But....I'm not a teen. As I write, I am drifting back to that lesson of, "Who's Got Your Back?" As I taught about the importance of relationships and the characteristics that signify a true, good, beneficial relationship, I was reminded that teens aren't the only ones who need to be reminded about choices. We can fill the empty places with many things, but I believe God is the only one that can make us whole. With that being said, isolation does not build up, it only tears down. I believe we work out our salvation in fellowship with other people.

Fast forward to today and the importance of relationships was all around me. Who do you call when things aren't going well? Who do you call when its time to celebrate? Who do you look forward to spending your special days with? Who seeks out the opportunity to spend time with you? What relationships are you building? What opportunities exist to sow into the lives of others? When is too much too much? Are we clear about who has our back?

Four decades of life, you must know who has your back. I'm a creature of habit and patterns, a planner, prone to do things in a relatively consistent manner. I also recognize that my love language is some odd combination of acts of service, quality time and words of affirmation... in that order with a rare gift at times to linger in my mind for months after it has been given. Yet, for those that have my back, acts of service and quality time are a no brainer - it is a requirement. I was teaching a lesson that the kids needed to hear, but I could have been teaching to a room full of adults. We tend to try to fill in spaces with stuff that doesn't quite get it, then we match ourselves up with something that looks or seems good, but doesn't quite result in success. We are seekers of becoming whole.

In a classic Huxtable moment, Claire (one of my favorite iconic moms) runs after Rudy with a sandwich that she had made for her lunch. Mom encounters a child who openly admits, "Peanut butter and tuna sounded really good, but once I put it together it just didn't look good enough to eat." She looked at it and decided to leave it. A seven year old demonstrated something very valuable - you don't carry the mess you made with you once you realize it is simply a mess.

We spend a lifetime putting things together that might have seemed or sounded really good, when in actuality they don't go together at all. When we seek to understand, examine or expand who's got our back, time and investment is required. GIGO. You can dress it up, fill in the gaps, make it look good - but nothing tastes as good as being fulfilled feels. That fulfillment can't come from folks, friends, sistergirls or besties....but when you have the right ones by your side, they assuredly make the journey better.

Bad illustration for teens, maybe. For me, a good reminder to pick carefully and keep those priorities in order along the way. Who's got your back at one stage of life doesn't make it a permanent fit. God is an awesome, full-time, available and unchanging God. He also gives us some wonderful people for our journey. Who's Got Your Back? You ought to know.

Trusting unfaithful people when you are in trouble is like eating with a broken tooth or walking with a crippled foot. Proverbs 25:19 I tell you, I have been on a writing hiatus. Based on this scripture, I need not be on a reading hiatus.... rich, rich word indeed.

Violence not associated with Indiana Black Expo prompts parental concern

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 16:14:00 +0000

Parents of tweens are often faced with requests to attend the concerts, workshops and events that have built the reputation of the summer ritual known as Indiana Black Expo. It remains an integral part of the Summer Experience in the greater Indianapolis Community, although news of downtown shots awakens parental concerns. One might think that this is an issue for Black Expo, Downtown Indianapolis or someone else. Safety is a universal concern for all parents.

Annually in July a series of workshops, entertainment, health fairs and programs bring greater awareness about African-American culture. Statistics surrounding the graduation rate, economic stability and healthy life choices garner the attention of community activists, religious leaders and neighborhood elders. Tweens simply want to have fun. In it's 40th year of operations a celebration of success has been marred by negative press during the culminating weekend of activities. Reports of injured young people have taken precedent over articles about increased efforts to educate, train, uplift and engage a critical teen audience.

Renee Thomas, director of the Purdue Black Cultural Center, was one visible addition to the festivities. Prepared to increase the awareness about Purdue University, promoting the programs and services of the Black Cultural Center and offering teen specific program, "Follow Your North Star" for the teen youth summit, Thomas has spoken openly about the chance to recruit staff, faculty and students. Articles about Purdue's increased presence have been outpaced by reports of 10 shot in Indianapolis. Although the late Saturday incident has been tied to Black Expo, the three shootings near Circle City Mall were not connected to the event. The Indianapolis Star indicated that visitors were shocked and disrupted, including those participating in the event.

Safety matters to parents as we seek to guide and protect our children. Indiana Youth Institute data from 2006 indicates that Marion County teen deaths by accident, homicide and suicide outpace every other county in Indiana. These statistics should matter to us all. Heightened attention should be expected when information about local shootings is tied to the largest cultural event in the Indianapolis community. Additional investigation shows that the unfortunate incidents were not tied to the event. Black Expo organizers, community members and parents alike must continue to seek the information that will govern our decisions and directives to youth.

Our charge is safety, accuracy and guidance. This weekend featured much more than the random acts of cowardice. We owe it to ourselves to learn more as Black Expo brings to a close four decades of philanthropic initiatives, support for education, constructive youth activities and numerous opportunities for tweens to set their dreams into reality with access to countless resources.

Mixed Messages

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 00:38:00 +0000

How many times have you gotten mixed signals or thought to yourself, "Did I read the signs completely wrong?" Well, recently on a business trip, I started realizing just how many mixed messages we send in the course of a typical day.

I didn't have any real thoughts about St. Louis when I knew I'd be traveling there, I figured it would be a typical trip. I arrived at the hotel in search of gushing hospitality and a seemingly clear vibe of St. Louis sites, culture and more. Um, not so much. A waiter at Mango almost single-handedly made me believe all things are possible. His desire to make a customer happy, or to get a good tip, led to mixed vegetables at well after 11:00 at night, and gave me joy. Wow - someone who acted like they cared about customer service. High end food affectionately described as a hot pocket, and some new Peruvian expressions to match it, and the mixed messages post was born. Mixed Message number one - "you are the exception and not the rule..."

For starters, the waiter shared that he had recently been asked for nachos as a guest complained that "all Mexican restaurants should have them." In not so gentle fashion he distinguished Peruvian and Mexican - but I'm convinced that it was as much a tutorial as an expose on his earlier guests. He jokingly highlighted that women who shared characteristics to my table mate and I had really challenged his patience earlier. Light hearted banter or a heartfelt warning?

In a few short days I've started to re-think the many messages we send on a regular basis. This upbeat restaurant staff member shared the limits of expectations regarding those that live in and travel to St. Louis, it was a bit shocking if I'm honest. He freely indicated that there isn't much expected from communities of color - a disturbing start to our restaurant relationship. I had barely had the menu for a few minutes before he explained the cool reception that had become the norm during our experience. After a conversation, he was essentially very insightful about the socio-economic dynamics of "the Lou." When little is expected, there is little opportunity for excellence to emerge. He said pretty bluntly working class people don't expect much from people of color here, "stereotypes are what we've gotten accustomed to." It was pretty late to get up in arms about his opinion. An opinion, however, explains a lot. I kept wondering how do you take a waiter that says locally we don't think much of your kind, but I like you gals a lot. Mixed vegetables and mixed vibes collide.

Mixed Message Clothing - Business attire and business casual have become so intertwined I find it impossible to separate the two. I have seen a myriad of colleagues wear something between date night and board room all to the same activity or event, each time questioning where I fit within the mix. I believe we've become a society where the gray area is much more comfortable than either the Black or White of life. With few exceptions, it appears more comfortable for others to settle for a hybrid of everything than a stance on anything. Are three inch heels really okay for a business meeting? I suppose it depends on the business of the day. I am certain, however, that a skirt that disappears when you sit down and a top that is positioned as a sling shot for launching buttons can both appear on what not to wear business edition. Speaking first hand, wearing Fit Flops is incredibly fun - but more fit I am not.

Mixed Message Parking - Valet parking is in the same garage as the guest parking, with a $13 upcharge - plain irritating in my book. I'd like there to be the illusion that the gentlemen are working for the $27/night charge to park my car which will sit for 5 straight days. I just assumed that a host hotel would have parking "options", but the option is clear - walk your behind and park your car yourself, or pay for the privilege of watching the valet do the same.

Mixed Message Food - A light menu at Starbucks is really just a decision to fall off the wagon. How light to we believe the carb assortment to be when we combine it with coffee drink number 3 of the day? You have to know, I'm a bit of coffee junkie - but I don't in the least bit believe I've done something amazing by making a light selection. If you buy a lower sugar drink, hold the whip or skim the milk - please know that it still has more calories than if you opted for water. Speaking of options - the light menu at most fast food restaurants should be forbidden too. I know that the fruit is the better option as a side in the meal deal, but the fried meat on a bun could kill me without the extra help. To then ask if you want Medium, Large or Extra Large for your light menu option - that is pure foulness.

Mixed Message Tipping - If I give you what you tell me is the mandatory tip, don't be surprised if you don't get an additional thin dime. We have yet to corner the market on suggested dining behaviors in our culture, but the requirements go both ways. While I understand the rationale for the mandated 18%, I believe that judging the group before they have placed their order results in many normally gracious tippers holding their purses tightly.

I have seen the hospitality industry at its best and its worst during this recent trip. This I believe - a host hotel should have to earn that title; with verification that restaurants are fully staffed and a general belief that guests should be treated as "guests". I assume you usually get what you give in hotel contract negotiations, but a cheaper deal isn't necessarily a better deal. I would love to see the conference language that accounts for performance when a group of over 5,000 can't guarantee a full place for every guest.

Mixed Messages Mentoring - As a young woman I remember how irritated I was at the "Do as I say not as I do" model for operation of life. Maybe the biggest disconnect during my travel was a contrast of past memories and current realities. When you look up to a group of people and realize they are more like the Wizard of Oz than the people you esteemed so highly, what a disappointment. For years I have given credit to folks for shaping that must have gotten overrated due to youth. I now wonder if they were shaping me or shaping a legacy for themselves?

As a young woman I had idealistic thoughts about connecting to others throughout my life journey, and building these life-long relationships. Even as a young professional I saw the mixed message about achievement, interdependence and independence. In the past few days I've been reminded that the images that shape us as young women shift, develop and sometimes change as the years advance. I'd rather impact a few people for a lifetime, than ultimately not live up to the example I set for the masses. I would like to intentionally manage my personal messages to avoid a lifetime of mixed messages. I have been reminded that in the course of a day we learn as much about what NOT to do and say - as we learn about what TO DO.

Sunshine Award ... Made MY Day....

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 09:07:00 +0000

Sifting Through the Noise sent me a sunshine award! It is so nice when someone reads your post and thinks that it matters in cyberspace. So I'm following the trend and I'm going to post a few links of my own that capture interesting writing, topics, etc. Thank you for thinking of me !

The Benefit of the Doubt

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 17:48:00 +0000

The Benefit of the Doubt and other growing pains...

Benefit of the doubt = to decide you will believe someone or something

With age I'm less inclined to extend the benefit of the doubt. I'm not sure when it happened, but it has indeed happened. I used to believe that Barack would be a 2 term president, that Colin Powell would receive the respect that was fully due him, that investing in private education would create benefits that public education could not deliver, that the covenant of marriage would rise in popularity as we saw the impact of raising children in single parent homes. As I've gotten older I don't have the same energy to compensate when the benefit of the doubt goes wrong. I'm learning that I tend to simply not give it as much and with what I believe is good reason.

During some seasons I have given myself the benefit of the doubt - in the belief that I could lose weight while committing to healthier life choices, get my PhD before I had gray hair and land the perfect hybrid between consulting and teaching college courses while my children were still relatively young. I have always aimed really high and cleaned up for the messes created along the way, even in the belief that I could close the financial gap between my decision to be a non-profit consultant and my natural gifts in math & science that didn't translate into becoming an Engineer. I tend to ask for forgiveness more than permission, and with wisdom has come a tendency to doubt, not to give the benefit of the doubt.

Owning your limitations happens at various life stages I assume, but I had brought into the Superwoman model. Such is life I thought. Yet, the issue of doubt continues to resurface because doubt can lead to a generally disagreeable disposition I've learned. Seeing that glass as half empty makes you more often than not a pessimist. I never wanted to be a pessimistic mommy. I wanted to teach my children to see the glass as half full. I still want to.

The holidays always offer a twisted challenge in my world, a choice of living in the past or creating a vision for the future. Stay with me, it does relate. On the heels of a ministry peer telling me that I didn't return her text messages, I offered a confused look and a strong stance that I do at least try to respond to all messages received. I felt a bit unnerved at the meeting as I thought of ways to prove that I really had been attentive to recent communication, only later to find out there is some issue between our two cellular phone companies. I wondered aloud in that moment, why had I not earned the benefit of the doubt? Clearly she assumed I had not responded, without considering that I had not received the messages.

I also thought about a request that I made to a friend to pick up and deposit a check into my account from an out-of-state client. She ultimately opted not to complete the favor because of concerns that it was somehow inappropriate. A different friend within the same state completed the task in about 1 hour and indicated that she was happy to help. I'm not sure how much impact we have on other adults and their "benefit threshold", but as a parent, I think our impact is primary and paramount. I feel obligated to teach my children that they can extend the benefit of the doubt, because their life is and has been, different than the circumstances that shaped me.

What leads us to assume the worst instead of assuming the best? How do we get past the lingering impact of disappointments and what do we do to balance the benefit of the doubt with intuition and good sense? I have come to understand the "Benefit" of the doubt is as much about your threshold for pain as it is about the choice to believe freely. I still come up on the losing side of the debate when I suggest that Chris Brown deserved more benefit of the doubt than he received, and that he too was a child when his actions led him down a difficult path of public scrutiny and becoming a domestic violence poster child. By virtue of gender and leaked photographs we gave his girlfriend at the time much more benefit, put her on a few more magazines, wrote a few more stories about her and said as loud as our voices would carry that Chris' behavior was unacceptable. True. Not the entire story though in my opinion - I am a mother of both a daughter and sons, and I think there are lessons to be learned on both sides of that situation.

My children are incredibly loyal to their father and discerning for their ages. Whenever I suggest that they play favorites (I get picked for book reports and homework assignments, rarely for fun and games) they share a nervous laugh and ask, "When is Daddy coming home?" They ask about his whereabouts like the FBI and they tend to measure their future happiness based on what they believe is his present state of play - they expect that dad is equal to fun. For our children past experiences guarantee benefit of the doubt, and as their mother I get taught the most basic lessons of unyielding trust by watching them. My husband says, they are growing up differently than we grew up. I believe they are living in a whole new world.

The benefit of the doubt I've learned doesn't last forever, and after a lifetime of disappointments even an adult can cry uncle. Benefit is really the equivalent of making a choice, a decision to believe when all factors point in a different direction. For decades, I gave my father the benefit of the doubt that he wasn't capable of understanding the impact of his absence in the lives of his children. We're cordial at this point, and as a grandfather he can be thoughtful and attentive. What he cannot be, however, is the father that I aspired to as a child. My children and I have been blessed with male role models, mentors and friends that are tremendous. I should be more appreciative of that. 40 years later I still see the generational legacy of my father's choices as a lingering failure that I cannot fix. In myself, in my mother, in my siblings and in my decision to intentionally parent differently, I carry that difficult legacy.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt has often meant disappointment that cuts to the bone and resurfaces at the most inconvenient of times. Like holidays. Even a choice to act and behave in a different manner doesn't erase the impact of the memories that linger. I can hear Dr. Laura saying get over it, you cannot make people what you want them to be. In most instances I would even agree with her. Yet, I think its natural to give family members the benefit of the doubt, even when that ship has sailed, and time for something different has come and gone and come again, one too many times.

Somehow as 40 approaches with little discretion I have resolved that it is difficult to teach what you do not know. Difficult but possible. My ability to teach the benefit of the doubt is a true work in progress, requiring a value system orientation that is not my own. We are not just raising Jesus children out of habit or obligation, but out of a clear understanding of where our values come from. Fellowship with the Father promises to be the only anchor when issues with my father persist. My children have the benefit of an engaged and committed father, even though he too did not learn at the heels of a phenomenal father son relationship. He has simply made a choice to life in a way that guarantees that his children extend the benefit of the doubt, because in most every situation, the ability to rely on his availability, attention and affection are guaranteed. That alone is worthy of being a covenant keeper in my book.

I'm not sure what happens in the world of adult to make it so much harder to believe and trust in what people say or demonstrate as their intentions. I do know, however, that children who are raised intentionally should learn as much about hope, faith and belief in the greater good of people as they learn about the barriers that we create for safety, protection and sanity. They come here naturally reliant and trusting and willing to extend courtesies that as an adult have to be earned, demonstrated or even merited. I look to them as teachers not just students, and I celebrate the use of instinct to make choices based on what they experience. I remain thankful that for those closest to me, their grace has extended me the benefit of the doubt. Wisdom has taught that not everyone can benefit from it.

Helping at Home

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 22:52:00 +0000

Whenever married women get together there is inevitably a conversation about household chores. I've talked about Domestic Sexy in past posts and highlighted a few amazing days with due credit given. At some point one of the women in my clique will say something that is the equivalent to "it isn't worth the effort." I always state that after 14 years of marriage, the partnership should indeed, be a partnership. It might not be done like you would like it done, but get over it. I say this often. I'm going to stop.

See, we haven't had matching socks in months. It started one season when I went on strike and I didn't care what happened. I literally only searched for my clean clothes and I have plenty of hosiery options that I can rely on most days. One of the kids asked about socks early in the school year and I promptly directed them to their own drawer. They replied, "we don't have socks." I know there are socks and plenty of them. And then....I started the investigation.

For my entire strike the socks were conveniently placed in unmatched batches at the bottom of a variety of baskets, with no regard to size, owner or style. Within a few weeks the socks had no mates and the mess was expanding. On one particular morning, the sock hunt led to the photo above, where well meaning children were trying to identify the things that belonged to them. I have now made up in my mind, there is no equity in helping at home. Three months later and the socks have still never been the same. They went away for a few days in August and their grandmother simply purchased new socks. She will be saddened to know that they too have gone into the group wash, non sort, non match, non put away experience. This is so not domestic sexy. This is so why married women suggest that their spouse need not help at home.

I think its a plot of intentional proportions when a degreed male can not accomplish laundry success. I'm the one with about 10 dozen miss matched socks all over my house, too. This would be a non-issue, but its Winter. Funds are low. The work load is high. And the socks are all over because I was convinced that my hiatus would mandate more help. Not so much.

In Search of Game

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 22:35:00 +0000

My little people are far more athletic than I have ever been. I love that about them. They are not moved by the fact that every tae kwon do, gymnastics, volleyball, swimming or sports experience is filled with many lessons we can't quite relate to. But, I've got one son who loves basketball. I mean, he practices outside in shooting hoops in my neighbors rim, for as long as you will allow. It isn't our natural thing.

We are amazing at teaching story problems, fractions, vocabulary words, writing prompts - and he's got the grades to prove it. After a long and drawn out teasing his straight A grade card was neither that exciting or that hot of a topic - he just does what he does without much fanfare. I attended one of his few basketball games last week and that experience was not the same. I tell you, check out moms action stop. Do you see that form. Concentration. Focus. And do you see that it looks like he's running a sprint and not playing ball. How much of having game is nature? How much is nurture?

Our kids have inherited a tendency to do better at solo activities while they struggle with team experiences. This child, however, tends to do well at both. In the heart of Indiana where basketball is beloved by all, I can't help wish that my father was more invested in teaching and training. My father was the coach of all coaches when it came to basketball. He taught inner city hoops with flare and substance, did much better than he did in parenting. There are students that still credit him for their growth and development. No comment there. Just wondering though, can you teach a Suburban Black kid with little basketball instinct to play ball.

At a dinner party recently I had friends suggest to us, "you need to enroll him in Black Ball." Really. I don't care if its politically incorrect, they cautioned me about the "recreational league" that I enrolled him in. I indicated it was just about the basics, no stress, no future Lebron aspirations. And they uniformly responded, you better get him in Black Ball soon.

At the ripe old age of 7 I'm starting to sense he's behind the curve. I laughed on Sunday because I was sure he was close to a foul everytime he tried to snatch the ball from his opponent. When I looked at the pics that make a moms heart smile, I couldn't help but land on this one. I started thinking, what are we running to and what are we running from. We're happy to be in the Suburbs, but I miss some of the things the kids would naturally learn from the neighborhood I grew up in. Down the street he could have learned to play ball nearly free of charge, extra bandaids and some non-Walmart tennis shoes, and he'd be set. It wouldn't have been a big deal that he didn't have his own basketball court - few kids did. The only guy that I knew with his own court, couldn't play and tried harder to makeout near the swings than shoot hoops. I digress.

In search of game really speaks to the double lives children of color lead. I'm not even going to write about the Suburban clubs that spend more time eliminating potential young ladies than creating a place to nurture them and expose them to peers who share their experiences. I'm not quite over it, but I'm getting there. Living in the suburbs has brought better schools, better property values and more diverse issues. I need a second job to teach my boys how to have game, while I'm teaching them to navigate this game that we chose.

Watch out world. The best scientist that can ball is coming your way soon. He's not in search of much but his personal success, and he's well on his way.

A Magnetix Lesson in HealthCare Failure

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 22:18:00 +0000

Parents beware. My youngest child swallowed a small magnetix ball and a bit of a panic began. He actually told of his digestive experience relatively quickly - but the passing of the evidence, very very slow. In between our notification and the passing of the time, 3 Emergency Room Visits, 1 Allergic Reaction, several glasses of prune juice, hours of internet investigation, the search and destroy mission for every Magnetix we owned and those purchased for future gifts - and walla, its over.

Not so quick - you want to know how much it cost right? Two working people with health care. A childhood accident that went really really wrong. Well, last time I opened the bill, about $3,000 was still owed AFTER the insurance paid their "portion" of the bill. Then the beauty of health care reform has been the umpteen messages I receive in my inbox, encouraging me to send $5, $10 or more dollars to help pass the health care reform. You gotta be kidding me right. How about I pay the hospital in installments until he's in college. How about I pay my past due bills with those dollars. How about I'm really cynical that health care reform may mean something for someone, but if its like finance reform, economic reform, homeowner reform, education reform, job reform, the fight against drugs, and any of the other reforms that are never quite intended for middle America - I'll take a pass.

With that $5 d$%^ dollars, maybe I'll start a Christmas lay-a-way for all of the toys we are going to have to replace. Or, I'll start the long payment plan for the healthcare costs that aren't changing for us with whatever so-called-reform is popular today.

Black People Don't Float

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 21:57:00 +0000

In the world of the random, I had a swim coach tell me that Black people don't float the same as White people. It was very early in the morning, I had not eaten my energy bar, and I wasn't in the mood to defend my entire race. Not today. I made a mental note for self and opted to really not focus on what appeared to be a slight trip down the lane of crazy.

Later, when I was caffeinated and more alert, I learned about a few statistics that address the reason why more Black people don't swim. Most of the information related to parental habits, access to pools, family patterns, soci0economic factors, etc. Not one article had anything of merit or relevance about black folks and the ability to float. I did stumble across a variety of hateful and racists comments about the inferiority of Black people, but I had too much productive work to do for that day. And so, I shared this little comment with the woman who taught my dear little ones how to swim. After she rolled her eyes and let out a big sigh, she effectively said, tell them to swim harder and faster and to enjoy each day they are in the pool - that's crazy.

If there is anyone who would be able to attest to the float factor, it would be the woman who has taught my heavy non-graceful behind how to swim the length of the pool. If I didn't have to go to the deep side, I could probably swim 100 yards with some amount of competence. Reality is, it was just good to have someone who didn't share background, race, ethnicity, wealth, upbringing or anything else - simply dismiss this silly comment, after her 40+ years of teaching this craft.

The Josh Project is just one of the amazing discoveries I encountered as I was shaking off the potential offense. A phenomenal mother in Toledo, Ohio started this organization after her son lost his life to a drowning accident. Minorities make up a disproportionate number of drowning victims each year, and we should do something about it. I grew up in a middle class household, with tremendous values, and learning to swim was not a priority. The group lessons at the Y failed in many many ways, but that was me. Once I had the benefit of a personal coach - float. swim. enjoy.

Kids who complete the Josh Project lessons can earn a t-shirt and a tremendous lesson. Conquering your fears, whether in the water or in life, can happen if you simply put your mind to it. Problem is, your mind may be willing, but circumstances might not. Seek out opportunities to conquer those things that seem a lifetime away and spend little time debating the crazy. Black people can float. Maybe more importantly, all people can be taught to do things once out of reach, by ignoring at first glance, those that are simply out of touch.

Breathe and blow. Breathe and blow.

Famesque

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 21:46:00 +0000

I listened to a story recently about the Famesque - folks that were famous for no good reason. The article was slanted mostly toward white magazine icons and some harsh criticism about their talent or lack of. I haven't done a good job of getting the idea out of my head, even though I have more important things to do. So is the problem the Famesque, or those of us who pay them any attention at all.

I actually have a small amount of sympathy for them. They are subjected to incredible amounts of scrutiny, don't get paid what real starlets get paid, and they are hounded by the paparazzi - not to mention the bloggers pen. I'm not sure we devote our time to the true stories at hand. Folks we elect, folks we pay lots of money who don't do their jobs, folks that are supposed to be doing one thing - but are clearly doing another... but hollywood folks. Who cares. I mean really, since I don't watch Gossip Girls, didn't see Transformers in the theater, can't name whoever is on the cover of most magazines when I'm at the check out - that makes me like, normal. I'm certain that many of my peers would respond in EXACTLY the same way.

So maybe along with the Famesque, we should fault the Stupesque for all the energy we direct at them anyway. I'm just saying.

Plan B is the equivalent of an F - Failure

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 01:53:00 +0000

Plan B?

The morning-after pill -- made by Duramed, a subsidiary of Barr Pharmaceuticals -- is intended to prevent pregnancy after unprotected sex. It works by stopping ovulation and decreasing the chances that a fertilized egg will attach to the uterus. When used within 72 hours of unprotected sex, it can lower the risk of pregnancy by almost 90 percent, the maker says.

The casual nature surrounding the Plan B pill is extremely interesting to me. The pill will be available to "women age 17 and older" the FDA announced today. What child do you know classifies as a woman at age 17. I'm not even opening the conversation for true debate - I'm really just reflecting on what I know to be the case. Every memory of being 17 reminds me that 17 year olds are not women - they are children in more mature bodies. When I look around at the family members, church members, neighbors and friends who are 17, they too are not women. Young women in training maybe, but do we want Plan B to be part of their educational process?

For the most part, we're talking about young people who still rely on their parents for food, clothing and shelter. When, and if they work, they earn what my mother used to affectionately call "play money." Even when I worked as a young "woman" I wasn't responsible for my living expenses and upkeep, I was really just offsetting the tremendous expenses I was incurring. When I look at who I dated, the decisions I made and the person I thought I wanted to be - I realize that I have evolved into a much different person. Thank God. Instead of allowing young girls the time, space and ability to evolve into who they aspire to be, we have created a society that believes fast and easy is the answer for everything. And we're producing a generation of fast. and easy.

Planned Parenthood and every group that supports them may very well consider this a victory, which is a sad commentary on our evolution as a society and a community anyway. The real concern that I have, however, rests with the false premises associated with pseudo abortion as a family planning method. Since when does someone who doesn't qualify as an adult in any other context become woman enough to obtain medical treatment without parental consent? At 17 I had already graduated from high school, started college and moved into my "higher education experience". At that time I couldn't get an antibiotic without using the insurance card that was directly tied to the medical coverage my mother paid for. Allergy medicine required authorization. How in the world do we go from that to Plan B.

I surely wish we'd write more articles about Plan A. I imagine Plan B, Plan C and Plan D could have many alternatives other than the "oops pill." Oops I shouldn't have had unprotected sex, so let me ingest an emergency (cough) contraception (cough) pill (cough), so that I don't have any of the consequences. If we continue to believe that the only damage done by poor judgement is physical, we are doing a disservice to the young ladies we are bringing up as the next generation. We have authored and labeled alternatives as if we are oblivious to the historical, cultural, societal, personal, emotional and financial implications of the choices being made. I know that someone will write, or think, its a woman's choice. I dare say, we aren't talking about women at all. This isn't a choice in my book - plan B offers more stunted growth in decision making. No wonder we can't problem solve or plan strategically, from an early age we're taught that there are no consequences to our choices.

We live in an oversexed society that trains young girls from birth that their value is tied to their sexuality and virtue, or lack thereof. When they are tweens we are preparing them for being teens. The new teen looks like the equivalent of your average 20 something - with less fashion taste, and even less sense. We try to make it better by saying that 17 year olds are women and spouting about their rights. With rights come responsibility, and I don't see very many children at age 17 being ready for all of those either. What can we expect of the women we are raising, when Plan B is covered in the media like something to celebrate as a culture. Plan A could be Abstinence. or Adoption. or Academics. or Athletics. or Aspirations. or the ability to actually grow up.

A better name for Plan B would be Plan F - we keep failing our girls.

Ah Ha Moment in Domestic Sexy

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 20:07:00 +0000

I have educated quite a few people regarding the reality of domestic sexy - when having your lawn cut is more appealing than flowers. The women in my circle understand the concept, most are married and happily in love with a partner for life who is anything but handy. A clean car and garage easily rival flowers. Not that I mind the flowers, I just think that there are a variety of more intriguing actions that make a significant impact on my life. Laundry. Mopping. Clean Dishes. Fresh Linen. and um....changing light bulbs.

It had been a bit dim upstairs for a few weeks in our household. I was struggling with noticing the lightbulbs given the other domestic challenges I had been facing. There's something really challenging about getting enough contract work that you are never at home to do your real work. My real work is centered out of our home, you know the aspiration to be the Proverbs 31 woman. I have dreams of blessing my household in the wee hours, yielding high regard for my husband, growing children who value my opinion more than the pop stars. I was feeling pretty smug about the domestic sexy concept, until my husband turned the lights out on my pride. He said in so many words - if you really liked domestic sexy you'd make sure I knew it.

I thought to myself, I just told you how much I value domestic sexy. He in return offered an astute directive - "I'm a hands on learner. I'd like to equate some action with your view of domestic sexy." Oh, okay. He's talking losing the domestic and the y and he's cool. Instant reward.

I was in Staples yesterday and selected printer paper with an instant rebate, vs. a cheaper brand that required a mail in rebate. I like instant rewards. I was reminded in that brief moment that my husband likes instant rewards too. I thought my positive affirmations and a phrase coined after his attention to my domestic priorities was a great reward. He, however, is in many ways a very simple creature. I guess wife rain checks aren't the prize I thought they were. Maybe a bit more instant reward will yield some core association like Pavlov's rat. Every time you take care of A, I'll take care of T&A. It sounds so crude and so unlady like and so contractual, it sounds so stiff, so....like I might get my patio and yard done if I did it. My personal Ah Ha Moment in Domestic Sexy indeed.

Following the Rules - The NPR, IRAN and ESTHER Connection

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 00:58:00 +0000

Years ago when I was young and impressionable I enjoyed listening to the radio in the car. In fact, it wasn't long after I had graduated from undergrad that I brought my first car. I got immense pleasure out of the R & B tunes that lingered in the air on the way to and from work. I had always had a cursory relationship with music - I rarely knew the lyrics but loved the rhythm and moods that served as a backdrop to my growing up years. Then I had my world turned upside down. I met a nerd boy who loved politics, BBSCon Conferences, talked legislation for recreation and connected to other breeds like him. And he didn't listen to R & B in the car. We'd head out to the movies or dinner and he'd turn on NPR, and I'd be irritated for 2 reasons - he changed my radio and he listened to stuff I didn't want to hear about. I found many reasons to be irritated and routinely enjoyed turning the music to unheard volumes and listening to the latest pop hit.

The only problem was my future husband sucked the joy out of my experience. He slowly implied through word and deed a belief that the majority of our community wasn't really informed about international and political (geopolitical) issues. I don't like being underestimated. As my commute times expanded I started realizing that I needed more to keep me awake on the drive - music wouldn't always cut it. I started listening to NPR. The problem with this integration into my habits - I stopped enjoying my R & B. Don't get me wrong, Maxwell will beat Morning Edition many days for me. Yet, it started to occur to me that the vast majority of music I listened to was a bit foul. There weren't a lot uplifting experiences being sung to a beat that made me sway - a lot of the lyrics were just plain foul. I started realizing that music alone wasn't fulfilling. When making the Ohio to Michigan drive I soon learned what public radio, Christian radio and talk radio programs would be of interest any day. I memorized the little ad jingles and gained a new respect for good comedy - and I got addicted to public radio. Urggh. I started seeking additional information from the stories, and the days of mindless entertainment just seemed to decrease in volumes.

So today I was commuting to Martinsville and I turned on the radio. The topic of the day - IRAN. A series of callers discussed the shift of the US policy to discuss nuclear energy, the status of Roxana Saberi, and the perceived western media bias regarding Iranians. A particular caller said that anyone could visit Iran as long as they understood the rules - and followed the rules. Her voice was of particular interest as she calmly communicated that the issue isn't IRAN, it is the lack of respect for the rules of Iran which are really clear. I couldn't shake the comment for the remainder of my trip. (Including the portion when I'm a really effective facilitator for non-profit excellence in capacity building and strategic planning.) I thought to myself, if in all situations we communicate the rules - then we can be exempted from what happens when people don't follow them. Is that right?

Roxana Saberi, an American journalist, has been charged with espionage by Iranian authorities. At last investigation her lawyer had not seen her, or any evidence, in the last 2 weeks. The Iranian authorities have indicated that she confessed to the charges against her, a charge of espionage that has evolved from operating without press credentials. She has been in Iran for 6 years, and was due to return to the US this year according to her father. Her father is Iranian, her mother is Japanese and she was born in the US. There is something innately wrong with me knowing all of these details. Further, I have started applying the logic of the guest to all situations. Did Roxana know the rules and simply break them - or did the Iranian government decide to use her as a pawn in an intense political climate? I don't know. But I admit 15 years after the height of my R & B enjoyment, I care about the fate of Roxana. My daughter is a promising writer and journalist, and I bet she would travel the nation to write about intriguing things. If she was writing a book about Iran and the rules of her life were moving targets for political will, I would want someone to care.

One of my favorite Biblical heroes is Esther, Queen of Persia. I was an adult before I realized that Iran was known as Persia up until 1935 - which makes it more intriguing when I learn about the political debates of the time. Nuclear energy not being used for a weapon - uh, okay. I listened to several callers talk about the poor perceptions of Iran tied to Western media. I wonder, however, where the dividing line exists between the people and the government. I was intrigued to hear many people talk of their love of country and culture, while implying that they were not truly represented by their government. I knew instinctively what they meant. I knew what Michelle Obama meant when she said she was proud of her country for the first time - and watched the spiral of criticisms from those who didn't understand. When I read about Esther, she knew the rules and did not follow them. In fact, she said with the resolve and dignity of a woman who could undeniably lead me - if I die, I die. Some rules are meant to be broken. The question becomes, are we ready for all of the consequences? Can you ever be really ready? When we are talking about nuclear power, there are going to be consequences in epic proportion.

I don't know any great leader who doesn't break some of the rules. My husband aided in the changing of my rules regarding where my recreational energy rests. I love music, I just love mental stimulation more. Smart music - that's another post. But today, my mind is still racing about politics, rules and consequences.

Obama is breaking the rules with his choice to talk to other governments. Everyone and their mother has an opinion. We aren't making the choices, but the consequences will be ours to share. Roxana Saberi made choices, but the consequences seem desperately out of her control. I was led to think about Esther in the midst of these reflections, a young Queen anointed and appointed by God. She knew the rules and made the decision to do what was right regardless. The rules would have her dead, but she rests in the mind and hearts of millions because of a choice to seek God. Its hard to seek anything if you aren't open to what exists within our world. More importantly, without some perspective about how God can use anyone, we might actually believe that its all about the rules. All about God's rules yes, the rules that others create, not so much. Rules are made and broken on any given day - some we cherish for their bravery, others we mourn for their risk.

I'm glad that I can rock out to Keyshia Cole and see the connection between what we hear, what we see and what we believe. Rules are only relevant if we are in covenant with the person who created them. Saberi doesn't appear to have been connected to the Iranian Rules. If it isn't God's Rules we're talking about though, breaking them is in season and the connections between what comes to us is intimately tied to how we understand a much bigger picture. A picture where some of life's best moments are breaking rules.

Michelle Represents Us Well

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 22:43:00 +0000

There have been so many articles written about the fashion trends of Michelle Obama, I certainly didn't need to write anything about it. Yet, I've decided to write about the more salient point - Michelle represents the US and her family well. I measure my personal responsiveness to the pictures, the debates and the criticisms, by the feedback of my 9 year old daughter. She looked at this picture and said that Michelle Rocks. Rock On First Lady, Rock On.

During an age where Hannah Montanna gets way too much attention in the world of my child, I'm pleased that her fashion sense gets a bit of guidance from an Ivy League trained Lawyer with good home training. I am thankful for the ability to block out the debate about which designers she wears and the ethnicity of those who fuss that she isn't wearing their particular design. She embodies confidence and comfort in her own skin, a mighty good place to be given the world of daggers directed her way.

My little one has a wealth of role models right before her eyes, and I'm glad that Michelle adds to the overall mix of intelligent and poised women of substance. In my mind I've got a dated soundtrack combination of India Arie and D'Angelo playing a medley of pride to these images of beauty.

There's something to be said for having a sense of style all your own. Job well done.

Church Experiences 101

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 05:28:00 +0000

I grew up under the leadership of Pastor Robert A. Culp. I spent my Sunday School years, Vacation Bible School Seasons, Easter Pageants and Youth Conventions all affiliated with Church of God and the collective members of my family. In my life, I have had many other relationships with churches since that time. Watch care while I was in Undergrad, searching for a new church home when we relocated, and once again in our new state. That process has made me incredibly thankful for all of the lessons I have learned based on the congregations we have been a part of.

When I think about First Church of God in Toledo, I think about all of the things I mentioned, cell groups and personal connectivity. When I had my first child I didn't have a representative from the church come - our Senior Pastor showed up to pray with us and extend his wishes to our family. I will forever remember that kindness and standing at the altar dedicating our first child. There was nothing pre-made, pre-done or prescribed about the experience. I smile just thinking about the legacy of a "church home."

Yet, like all children - I grew up and had to find the best church home as we relocated. There are so many differences that come to mind - but they build on the foundation that we established in Toooooooleeeeeedo. Nowadays, I speak to my previous cell group member daily and she's one of my closest friends. Those days of leadership manuals, cell groups, personal accountability in ministry and outreach have all resulted in a better understanding of the early church - but maybe equally important, God's love made visible in relationship.

So I was pleasantly surprised when I stumbled on a clip about thankfulness from my previous Pastor. I smiled with warm thoughts of my growing up years. I accepted Christ as a member of my first church and became increasingly discerning about the quality of teaching, spiritual growth and a desire for ministry made visible. I remember my aunt preparing for Sunday School class every week, my grandmother's unyielding commitment to tithing and my realization that ministry should reflect the best talents and abilities of God's people - in both our words and deeds.

I'm thankful tonight for those early influences, and thankful that my Pastor helped me shape a growing and evolving vision for my personal walk with God. I am thankful for ministries like Word of Faith International Christian Center and New Horizons Church, because our growth continues because of them. As a ministry leader now, I understand just how long lasting those first and early experiences can be. A message of thanksgiving and gratitude indeed:

Pastor Culp Thanksgiving 2007.wmv

Looking for a church home today? Try New Horizons Church if you are in the Indianapolis Area, where Pastor Eric Wiggins is Pastor. New Horizons Church might be the place for you - Where Christ is the Way and the Word is Clear.

She's not so little...anymore

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 20:08:00 +0000

I have managed to not blog for nearly 6 months. The admittedly long silence was an opportunity to reconnect to why I enjoy writing at all. (Escapism 101.) For at least a season I had lost the fun of random thoughts made live - in exchange for a hot political debate that was getting more and more fierce each day. I was sick of it really - I had settled into my belief that real life was more relevant than the political jab of the day, and there were times it didn't matter who voted what at all. After all - at one of the most historic times in my lifetime, there were days when I just resigned myself to the nasty comments and race bating that would fill my inbox and my comment section. Today's reality is much more fun than the status of the economic stimulus plan (or Michelle's choice to go sleeveless) - my little one is 9 years old, and I think she still loves me.

So, I have a 103 temperature - which is why I have the luxury of blogging at all. I have been told that I basically can't do anything and forced to stay in bed for at least 3 days. The Doctor asked me if it would help if she wrote me a sick memo until Wednesday - and I responded that I was self-employed. With the saddest look I've seen on a medical employee as of late - she just shook her head and said she was sorry. Try to stay in bed for 3 full days she said, and don't go out on Monday. Yeah, right!

Even with little energy the last thing anyone wants to be told is an extensive short list of what not to do. I mean really - I'm fine. (Well, in about 15 minute intervals I'm just fine.) I was pleasantly surprised when Little Miss had pity on me today and spent the beginning of her morning curled up with her mom. She's been exposed to all kinds of flu germs, and we've updated her profile on New Moon, laughed about a really bad teacher she used to have, and debated what videos are of interest for her profile. (We opted for a very short cheerleading clip.) It was nice to be reminded when hormones aren't raging that she is just a much bigger version of the young lady that used to make me smile 24 hours a day.

Nowadays there is a regular debate about school work, clothing choices, study habits and puberty - followed by an obligatory check that she's isn't ready to elope or anything. The conversations that I overhear at school about who likes who is enough to make me recheck how fast young people grow up - but I do remember my first crush. (and yes, it was in 4th grade.) Armed with all of this traditional frustration - she caught me completely off guard today. For more than an hour she just cuddled up and reminded me of a time when it seemed as if nothing else in the world mattered. I was reminded about why I love being a parent, but more specifically why I love being her mom. She's funny, thoughtful, has a wonderful vocabulary, and goofiness is at her core. My beautiful little bean pie isn't so little any more - but what a blessing to be reminded of her essence.

Leave it to me though, I could relate this all to politics again. It's a bit funny to watch people debate over Michelle's arms when I laugh to myself - we have a Black first lady. It doesn't capture all that she is, but it is indeed reflective of who she is. Every time I see a reporter gush over the first family, I think to myself - I've got a really great first family all my own. And while America looks at the first family as some oddity of all the right forces converging at once - they look to me to be ordinary at times. And maybe because I can see them as ordinary, it leaves room for them to be extraordinary as they so often are.

Just like my LydiBean, who opted to be extraordinary and normal, all at the same time today.

Breaking My Silence

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 02:49:00 +0000

For over a month I haven't had much to say in the blog world. I was and am a bit tired of the demise of the political debate, so much so that I reflected on my wave of different emotions over the course of the election. Early on I was very excited to just learn more about the overall process. I've always voted, but I haven't always had an emotional tie to the issues, the candidates, the particulars of the contest and then some. A lot has changed over the last year.

About a week ago I received an email forward to an entire distribution list which left a really bad taste in my mouth. I didn't respond, I just made "a mental note to self" that forwards are really the death of smart communication. Shortly thereafter I received another forward, once again spouting a mix of half truths about the record of Barack Obama. Voting record and stance on core issues is not lost on me, the emails also had some clear facts sprinkled in race bated material about "how frightening" the thought of him becoming president was.

I decided to respond to the entire distribution list of the person who originated the forward, and I knew that I was most assuredly walking a slippery slope when I hit send. I had considered the person a friend, but I realized that no friend of mine could be responsible for the level of ignorance that was being shared openly without thought. At least, that was what I determined after I read both emails again. The result - a few additional forwards, a challenge email directly to me, and then being copied on subsequent notes to her email list about "those people" who had responded to her entire list unnecessarily. I responded purposefully, realizing that if I said nothing it might mean that the information would stand as acceptable and fact. I thought the poorly substantiated and openly refuted emails deserved a response. I probably lost an acquaintance or two (three, four maybe five) in the process. I got some new peers along the way though - not everyone agreed with the tactic and tone that still makes my skin crawl.

The moment that I mentioned race two people wrote me back and said, "you just must not know her," she's the furthest thing from a racist. I actually didn't call her a racist, and I didn't say that the information was racist - I said that the emails were race-bating - because code words are intertwined to catch the emotion of the reader, with regard to race. It makes me think of the word associations that we used to do in school...or at least that is what they did in my independent private school in Ohio. Here, the word association is both with regard to race, stereotypes, socio-economic differences, and the widening gap between those who have and those who have not.

The messages captured enough stereotypes for a great SNL routine, or a really irritated Black professional at the very least. I was treated to a MLK quote, rants about "conservative values", implications about "helping those undeserving people get houses they couldn't afford", "our taxes", references to name, religion, and political affiliations - as if there is a candidate in existence that doesn't have any history. I have not been in the Obama Choir from day one, even my excitement was buried in concerns about exactly how he could impact the policies and procedures which have led us down this road. Yet, I have up until recently had very civil conversations with people along all political affiliations. I helped elect Bush, I have plenty of reflection to do.

Contrary to the respondents on the list who questioned my Christianity, I am a Christian. I do believe that the same advocacy for life at inception should translate into concern about what happens to life when it gets here, needs an education, needs health care, needs a solid start in life...but that would be ridiculous. To challenge someone to think about the financial implications of the war, the military strategy and the failed weapons of mass destruction argument - it is getting harder and harder to do. My Republican spouse has been treated to all types of nasty little rants on the conservative sites he frequents, I don't even spend that much time surfing nowadays. If we can't disagree with some degree of respect - what does that say about us as individuals, often individuals raising another generation.

I pondered whether or not to respond to the emails point by point, the Muslim references, the Bill Ayers saga, the inexperience issue, and the implication that those who support him are somehow waiting for a government ride. It isn't my life, or the life of those nearest and dearest to me - but I'm starting to wonder if it should matter at all. The assumptions and stereotypes aren't going to be changed with my reality, in fact not facing reality seems to be a prerequisite for some of the vicious lies and urban legends that are distributed. The inability to see this election with any balance is becoming an increasing concern. The inability to understand the difference between minimum and living wage - well, when the originator of the forward highlighted this as scary - I started to wonder about the different worlds we live in. The negativity has reached an all time high, where lynching pictures, racial slurs, and calls for even worse behavior become a rallying cry. I don't want to be part of that dialog - it is the worst common denominator for our lowest selves. I want more.

So, I haven't been writing much. I spent most of the last few days exchanging emails with the half dozen people who quietly applauded my efforts to respond to the ridiculous forwards. I have enjoyed creating an Internet relationship with people of diverse backgrounds, who supported the idea of "knocking it off." Getting past our own comfort zones and mis-information in order to be more responsible for the paradigm that we operate within, that should be the call that we each have. I stumbled on a few posts of mine that made me think, smile or reflect - some passionate, some posted well before their time. One of my favorites though isn't one of mine at all, it was an Open Letter to "Mr. President" whomever, the president will be. I have a great regard for a 40 year old man drinking 38 year port, deciding to capture his thoughts, because it was the first post in recent weeks to make me think that there is an ounce of sanity still in existence. We don't have to like 100% of a persons politics to have a high regard for the office of president....(now check this out) REGARDLESS of who is elected.

I don't believe that you have to butcher someone to elevate your own case, or trash someone endlessly to instigate a reply. I think you can agree to disagree - but I think you have to be mindful of the challenges that rest in front of you. Most people speak in soundbites and political generalities. Unfortunately, our bumber sticker days are pretty much in full swing and the education process for voters (registration, early voting, clothing selection, facts vs. fiction) is tilted at best. When you stand up against crazy, you might become an army of 1.

I am thankful for the opportunity to live at such a time as this. I'll be relieved when the election is over - but I have come to believe, the foolishness probably has a long, long way to go.

Running Scared - Double Talk in Identity Politics

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 22:54:00 +0000

Kwame Kilpatrick held his support of Obama hostage, and it was the talk of the blog world that he was being coy about who he'd support at the heart of the Democratic Primary Season. Eventually, he finally supported Obama, as if he was testing his electability, cultural acceptance and leadership all at the same time. It was irritating. Now it may be costly. As Obama accepted his support to ensure the "Get Out the Vote" in metro-Detroit, he uttered a few phrases of support for Kwame that will live in attack ads for the next 2 months. The implication - birds of a feather. The reality, Obama and Kwame couldn't be further from each other in many many ways. They have three unfortunate things in common. So now being black and male, and in leadership will serve as fuel for fear politics and further distance those who were already scared of black men. The correlation - Obama will do to our nation what Kwame did to Detroit.

For starters, Kwame may be a lot of things, but responsible for the status of Detroit isn't one of them. He may have added to it, he may have taken advantage of it, he may have benefited from it - but Kwame didn't create the Detroit that exists today. Suburban flight started long before Kwame took office, as the riots and the race tensions further distanced people from each other. In the center of the city we have Greek Town, Mexican Town, cultural districts - but to have a black anything scares people. Well, it scares the kind of people who stop at first glance, and don't dig any further. Detroit is a mess for many reasons, poverty and socio-economic factors far outrank race. The public school system, coupled with the death of the automotive industry, has led to a less educated workforce with more unemployment, more foreclosure and more strife than other areas. Yet, there are marvelous things happening there as well - they just don't make the headlines. Economic development, community collaboration, the arts district - they're growing. The downtown corridors are starting to look like a thriving place to be, and it took the 10 years that I was there to realize that there was life being breathed into the city, however slowly.

It is easier to link Obama to Kwame for fear, than to have some view of the situation steeped in reality. Obama is a smart man at his core, I've come to believe this based on the last 2 years of a savvy and strategic campaign. He was as clear about Kwame's liability factors as anyone. Yet the fear of Black People will be enough to help some voters link the two together. Michelle is not Carlita, and Obama is not Kwame, but that's no different than people tearing Obama down because of his race and lifting him up because of his multicultural appeal. It makes no good sense, but it makes headlines.

Meanwhile, Palin is in a political bubble, and the McCain campaign is going through every hoop imaginable to ensure no interviews, no press access, no access to her education records, no access to the non-vetting process that took place in Alaska. The more sensational dirt that comes out about Palin, the more people defend her. The more moral mayhem that the party reveals (Giuliani, McCain and Palin combined are pathetic), the more people sign on as if they'd accept this mess in any other situation. The reality is that this election is based between those For Obama,and those Against Obama. It frankly is starting no to matter who's on the other side, its ABO - anyone but Obama. And, as long as the Republican party, hate groups and the 527's supporting him can paint Obama as everything he is not - they stand a great likelihood of winning. At the core of many people, they already think the worse. The ads are just confirming what they already believer.

We've come far as a country, but we believe in double talk still. Its okay for McCain to flip flop, neither of them to live the values they'll try to place on the Supreme Court, and be void of any responsibility for the worst war investment ever - but that's because they're not Obama. If he had Palin on his ticket, everyone on this side of the sun would question his political sense, judgement and management. If McCain had Obama's fundraising, grassroots organization, campaign infrastructure or a solid family life representative of the average middle class - he'd be the second coming. Obama's educational pedigree at face value speaks to his decision to play by the rules of the game that the majority culture created. The difference, at its core - race. McCain is patriotic and loyal, Obama - well, uppity. And the Right will use code words and linkages to further divide our nation and imply what we already know many believe - he's disqualified from leadership, not due to experience, or work history, or decisions, or judgment. In the views of many Americans, Obama won't make the grade, because he's black. (1/2 black, but that's all it takes.)

Now, we sing "We are the World" and ignore the role color plays in the minds of everyday people. And we forget, that hardworking everyday people, in every shade, color and hue - they're prone to believe false advertising and sick stereotyping too. It captures the interest of bloggers because we live it, and for our ancestors, they died because of it.

Thandie Plays Condelezza Rice

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 22:09:00 +0000

I'm admittedly skiddish about the discussion that has been front and center as of late, in regards to the role of women in politics. I was sickened by the Palin selection because I wondered who else might have more accurately filled in the Republican gap. I guess we'll know in a few months how savvy, savage or sanguine that pick really was - but it was the final nail in the coffin for me. The Religious Right, although I share a smattering of views with them, doesn't represent me. I have suggested more than once that maybe Dr. Condi could give dear beauty queen Palin a clue. Proximity to Russia will never define international prowess for me.

So I was just delighted to learn that Thandie Newton will play Condi in an upcoming portrayal of George W. Bush's life. I'm not interested in his story, but I've been waiting for hers. A British Cambridge graduate, Thandie doesn't immediately come to mind as the person to play Condi. The more that I thought about it though - she's a perfect fit. There's always been a question about Thandie's background, everyone wants to know her background, her race, her culture...as they question the depth and breath of her selected roles. Although race has been an assumed factor for Condi, people have loved and hated her for much different reasons. The role that she has taken as Secretary of State has been filled with more questions than answers and an admitted curiosity about her loyalty to Bush and her fierce decision to stay. We know that she is a survivor, but it seems as if Thandie is too.

Maybe I like Thandie because of her tendency to cuss like a sailor, she does it really well. I have tried to release my mouth from twisting phrases that need not be uttered, but I am still a work in progress. I first admired Thandie's portrayal in Beloved, when I fell in love with her quirkiness. Her role in Crash was just one step further in solidifying how much I admire her. She's a disciplined actress that selects projects based on her role as mother, not for hollywood fame. I imagine that both fame and fortune have both come with time. Like wine, I think they are both aging beautifully into the people they are - different, distinct, and defining.

Likewise, I admire Condi too - she's a survivor. If there was any woman that would have made me think about the Republican ticket, it would have been her. Even when I don't agree with all of her decisions, I respect her path and her resilience. I can't imagine how small her inner sanctum must be to maintain her sanity. Meanwhile, she follows her convictions and stands strong in the midst of storm. after storm. after storm. She commands attention even when you are on the other side of the position, something that Palin doesn't seem to get. These iconic figures continue to capture my attention, and during a week of Palin, Christine Beatty, and more - I'm surely glad they exist. In a culture that savages women daily though, through both word and image, I'm just happy to be talking about two I admire. The media spends way too much time on the sensational and the sad, but I think history will affirm lives well lived - in a time when so many seem to be barely living at all.

Palin - Not the Republican Obama

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 15:59:00 +0000

The Blog World is filled with opinions and posts about Palin, some of which have crossed the line in personal attacks. Many people have taken a play from Palin and McCain on simply tearing people down as a way to avoid talking about what you offer. Other blogposts, like one at A Political Season, are just a glimpse into the misguided world of Republican dreaming. Palin is not the Republican Obama, and I shutter that someone might think that she is.

Identity Politics
Palin is using gender as her primary stump speech, looking to attract & excite like minded members of the Republican base. She understands her role clearly and has offered to play it well to politically advance. Many Republicans and Alaska natives tout her qualified success as timing and politically savvy decisions, approval that is linked directly to the individual gains resulting from the Oil Company benefits based on location.

Barack has never campaigned as a Black Man, although he recognizes that he is one. He has spent the last 2 years talking about everyday people and everyday issues, the ones that you see clearly as a community organizer - although most of us decide at some point we want to affect change in a different way. He has not excited and motivated the Democratic Base, so much as he has changed the Democratic base to include those who were not an active part of the process. He has reached out to people who's view, opinion, action and interest were never solicited seriously on a grassroots level.

Character Bashing
Palin took a play out of old politics, and walked in synch with McCain in working to market fear politics. They have not simply said we disagree with Obama's stances - they have told those who support him and endorse him - you're dillusioned and caught up in celebrity. You are a fanatic not based in reality. They have clearly articulated, " he has been nothing, has done nothing, has decided nothing, has mananaged nothing, and you are stupid for getting caught up in the hype."

On the flip side, Barack has talked about continuing the politics of what got us here in the first place. He has focused his attention on approaching the challenges within our society by the power of the people, not just his ideals. He has openly disagreed with McCain and said that McCain can't relate to everyday people. He has not said that McCain is a womanizer, Palin is a token, and anyone who supports them has lost their mind.

Motivation vs. Fear
Palin has implied that Barack didn't think her town was "cosmopolitan enough", ensuring that small town folks and even more important, small minded folks, get scared about race. She has not motivated and inspired, she has continued a message of fear. She could have easily said last night "be affraid, be very affraid. he is not like you at all. i represent you." With the diversity of a Starbucks experience, she will guarantee those who quietly fear differences and are uncomfortable about race - you'll never have to worry about that with me.

Meanwhile, Obama has given one of the most clear speeches about race in my lifetime. As a Black woman, it simply is what it is. I don't use it to dictate or justify who I am, nor do I avoid it or exploit. In our nation we have failed to mobilize a national dialog about race into anything more than scary definitions of Affirmative Action, piting people and interests against each other. The reality still stands clear, America has been built on the backs of a class of cultures, and we will not be healed overnight. Nor should we.

Proven and Tested
Palin has been asked to prove nothing. The media circuit of the right is touting McCain's judgement and selection. They are not educating people about her record, they are pitting her record against Barack's. People who said ready to lead on day 1, have now said she has ample time to learn and be taught at McCain's knees.

For 2 years Barack has been scrutinized, belittled, laughed at, reviewed, interviewed, rated, evaluated and more. This isn't an issue of "if Palin had been around for two years," the reality is that she will not have to prove herself in the same way. Any child born to a family of color within the last century has encountered one shared parental truth, "You MUST out perform racism, because it will always exist." From birth, we are taught that you must be better, work harder, dig deeper, be more resilient - not to win, but to even have the opportunity to compete.

In my house the debate will go something like this, "well his resume is weak, you have to admit that." My response will go something like this, "you have yet to review her resume, because the one liners about being a mayor and a govenor have been enough."

Meanwhile, she inherited half of her accomplishments in office, and hasn't been asked to account for not even knowing what the Vice President does - as expressed in her own words. She says, I'm a hard worker. Well, is that enough?

Following the Script
Palin is following McCain's Script and the desperation of the so called Religious Right.
Obama wrote his own script - and is paying dearly because of it.

When Obama gave one speech at a convention - he was paying his dues as a junior senator.
When Palin gave one speech at a convention - she became a national hero qualified for Vice President.

Collaboration across Party Lines
Palin has said that the do nothing legislature has failed America. These are the same people that any leader must work with and through to accomplish what needs to happen in our country. When she worked across party lines in her political career, it was an occassion not a signature style. She has argued herself that she will do whatever is necessary for what she believes is right. That gets her closer to her agenda, but it doesn't qualify as a life of working together for greater good.

Obama has demonstrated and stood on the basis of working across party lines. When he advocated and authored legislation about campaign finance reform, he didn't do it from the security of his party - he worked with other people to make it happen. He has been acknowledged time and time again for embracing this approach as the core of who he is, not just what he does. The Right has painted this as being naive, unseasoned, not ready. They'd rather go to war than have a conversation.

World View
The mis-steps will be countless on both sides when all is said and done. But for an advocate of War, proximity to Russia should not be a qualification for international affairs. What we know about Palin is not much in this area.

While you may disagree about the removal of troops, the approach to Israel, his tactics about Afghanistan, and the belief that the United States of America should be restored to a better standing with our world partners - you do know where he stands. And while he has created advisors, think tanks and running mates that have a longer track record in these areas - he does have a track record with his view - right or wrong.

McCain got caught - and as a result the same service provided as thousands of men and women - he has been touted as a National hero and the picture of patriotism. I respect his service, but that's it. His character is no more defined by that one act, than it should be defined by his angry rants, wife trade ups, or any other sole act. He selected ovaries who will learn at his side, but she has said little else, other than, "drill, baby drill" and "fight, baby fight."

Attack Politics
If she attacks - she's a self-described Pitbull.
If McCain attacks - he's a maverick.
If the Right attacks - they are rejuvenated.
If a Woman attacks - she's a feminist making history.
If a Black Republican attacks - they're on television as a scholar or party leader because there are so few.

If Obama attacks - he's an angry Black man.
If Biden attacks - he's belittling a woman.
If a Democrat attacks - they are misguided and part of the Obama cult.
If a Woman attacks - she's bitter that Hillary couldn't do it.
If a Black Democrat attacks - they are voting for Obama because he's Black. They don't know the issues, didn't make a choice, aren't using their voice. They're the non-hard working folks who always vote democratic.

Palin delivered a solid attack speech well. She's a pill and a pit, but Obama she is not. For the majority of Republican's that makes her amazing, exciting, and inspirational. For an independent, I wonder if it just increases the garabage you have to hear instead of real issues and real policies. But isn't that why McCain picked her after 8 years of Bush? Identity not issues, and the change that could give him the Whitehouse after all.

Palin's Failure for Everday People

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 12:33:00 +0000

I watched the speech last night. I argued with my Republican husband about the lack of substance in the McCain't Palin ticket. He promptly suggested I was not being strategic in thought, overly emotional and sited my response as evidence of why the "Democrats might not win because they don't understand the real issues at hand." I had openly avoided any blogging about this issue, swept into a focus on back to school and back to the routines that guide our family. However, after my true introduction to Pitbull Palin last night, my thoughts are incredibly clear. I have been Independent for the last decade in my voting, and last night I was clear that if I must pick a party affiliation - it will be to proclaim I am a Democrat.

No Solutions - Rhetoric
Palin offered no solutions about the issues that matter to me most. There was no mention of health care and a summary statement about "parents being able to choose" the education option for their child. The problem with that education theory, is that the only families that truly experience choice are those that are able to afford houses above $250,000 in value, so that they can buy a school district that offers a competitive education. Although I support Charter School options and applaud parents seeking immediate remedies to their local schools, I see what those options are everyday. I also know that most schools in the infancy of their development (Charter Schools included) are not able to provided the systems and tools that an above average Suburban school district provides.

My prescriptions with full health care for my children have been about $150 this month, including office co-pays. Palin and McCain don't have to address these issues, it doesn't even matter to them. The problem, however, is that more American people face my reality than Palin's Mr. Mom husband, and McCain's decision to marry up, wealthy and clueless.

A Moral Mess
We can talk about policy prescriptions and detailed plans, but at its core the Republican Party has been offering a moral solution to life for as long as I can remember. I myself use the term conservative to clarify that regardless of my political affiliation I have morals and standards that are clear for my family and our lives. The Right has taken faith and religion and stood on top of hills and mountains to proclaim the lack of moral compass in anyone who disagree with them. And what do we get from their example:

Giuliani was responsible for the build up last night. Someone who moved his mistress into the home with his wife, openly cheated, and does not have the respect and support of his children. The Giuliani sons are Obama supporters.

McCain returned from his POW experience which he openly pimps in what has become a disgraceful manner - to cheat on his wife, divorce her after she suffered terribly from a life altering accident, and then married the wealthy bimbo he cheated with.

Palin has the ability to reach out openly to parents of disabled children, white women, those who aspire to a "less cosmopolitan world", while Barack has to dance around his culture, all racial issues and any reference to what he might be an advocate for if he gets the nod. Her mother in law said she didn't know what Palin brings to the ticket. I would love to clarify what she brings - she's white. she's female. she's void of any documented position on race and equity issues. she's gender politics at its finest.

It remains more acceptable to be a white woman soliciting for female empathy, and asking women to vote with their ovaries, while gently flirting with the no family is perfect theme - than to be firmly rooted in family values and Black. If Barack had a teenage daughter that was pregnant, left a newborn child to return to work in 72 hours, and prioritized a speech over a pending birth - we'd be citing the problems with Black male leadership in the home. I am resisting the desire to fully editorialize what I feel about having Palin represent women as a whole - but what I'm clear about is the changing standards. It isn't about character if we can be beat on character, it isn't about experience if we can be beat back about experience, it isn't about issues if we can make it about personality.

We are on the eve of electing war mongers and our media dialog is about how inspiring Palin is. Well, she's clean, articulate and the first viable female candidate - but that doesn't mean we want her at all. Jesse Jackson didn't motivate my support because I didn't believe he was the best candidate. Lets be clear, I'd love to make history voting for a woman. I will grieve the day she was born if that woman is painted in Palin. Offer me someone who has worked hard, paid their dues, has something this Soccer Mom can relate to - and I'd be thinking long and hard. Hell, I don't want more taxes. But the thought that anyone believes Palin, the VICE Presidential candidate is that person- it is simply a false hope. The men who stayed up all night writing her speech should be proud. I'm more convinced of her drama and her acting ability than I am of her political prowess, and for a woman of color she offers nothing. I don't want my 8 year old daughter looking to her, Giuliani or McCain't for anything. ever.

No Perspective on Community Based Issues
The dig at being a community organizer shouldn't just be about Barack. The truth is, Barack Obama was a community organizer, but there are millions of us who are an active part of the community development industry. As professionals who work through community based organizations to affect change, we should be collectively asking the question - then what does Palin think about the real everyday work that we do?

You see, if Barack's experience is fluff to her and she doesn't believe that real decisions were being made - her implication is that government leadership is real work, and community based work is not. For everyone who has mobilized a group of people for collective action, worked to leverage investment for community and central city development, shifted the paradigm about affordable housing to an action about socio-economic integration for diverse communities - Palin thinks you don't make real decisions.

In the world of Palin, telling government officials and departments how to spend the budget and "drill, baby drill" is more important than change that is created from the ground up. In her world grassroots is as foreign as diversity, race and accountability. McCain doesn't have a lock on patriotism because he survived War - half of the men in my family served as well. The picture painted at the Republican convention doesn't capture the sacrifice and service of the men in my family - men who universally believe that the war was a MISTAKE. They - McCain/Palin believe leadership comes from the top down, not from the bottom up. And what will you tell your children when they have to interview more times for a minimum wage job, than she did for the 2nd highest position in the land - with a 72 year old with heart and anger management issues. Please. Let me assure you the same standards will not apply.

While she spent her 15 minutes of fame showing how clearly she can be a pit bull, what she didn't tell you is what she can offer for you. Did you get a sense of what is happening with Social Security, Healthcare and Education? Did you get a clear understanding of who she will put on the Supreme Court - or wasn't that pretty obvious ladies. Palin made HER CHOICE based on her personal circumstances, but do you trust her to make decisions for you.
She's advocating for her 17 year old to get married and we believe this to be a responsible choice for the sake of doing what's right. Angelina and Brad could introduce them to the concept of ADOPTION if her Right Wing Fanatics can't help her there.

Did you get misty eyed in thinking that we'd be at war for the next 100 years, with an economy as strong as McCain thinks it is today. I mean really, you all have $5 million to work with, right? We're watching the stage shift before our eyes and the dialog still remains hinged on identity politics.

I don't identify with Palin. With the escalating foreclosure rates that are crippling communities at their core - Palin had no words regarding housing. She didn't offer any solutions with her criticism of what celebrity brings. If 80,000 people in a stadium is celebrity - being lifted from obscurity for the Vice President selection because you have ovaries should be too.

Reality Check
Barack and Michelle offer for my children a substantive example of the beliefs we have tried to instill in them. At very young ages they have been introduced to racism in ways that grieve my heart and spirit. When they see people who are touchable in their eyes, people who have had to work hard for everything they have every gotten, people who played by the rules and leveraged education for success, people who got married - had children - and then had the audacity to stay together, people who have dared to dream bigger than anyone thought they should, people who gave back to their community and used the channels available to them to pay off student loans and credit cards that subsidized making ends meet, they see a future.

When they see McCain and Palin they see more of the nothing they see every day here. People who don't view race as an issue. People who don't view class as an issue. People who don't see neighborhood based work as real work. People who believe the proximity to Russia gives credit for foreign affairs experience. (Condi would you please help them with that fallacy.) People who support war at any cost and educational opportunity for a few, not the masses. People who throw the first stone, as they flip flop on immigration, tax cuts, and more. People who don't prioritize health care, and will never make a decision where to live on how much money they earn. People who get a pass for moral mayhem, but want to tell the world how to live their lives.

I was an Independent. In 2008, I cannot afford to be silent.
I am a Democrat by issues - because they live where I live. I am conservative and I am troubled by some of the views that Barack holds. Yet, I contrast that with my reality. I am concerned about each and every view held by McCain and Palin, grieved that they might one day represent me, horrified by the example they set for my children, and motivated to ensure that their closeted view of the world doesn't become my reality.

Palin may be a PitBull, by her own admission. My mother taught me that a female dog was nothing to aspire to. Palin is a failure for everyday people. She is not a case of the American Dream. Her reality only works if you offer to the Republican party more of the same. I will never be white. I will never inherit my wealth. I will never be the "in crowd" because of my ovaries, my race and my religion. I am not the voter she was trying to reach last night - and I am proud that I will never be that.

And for my Republican husband, my dear...I'm strategic enough.

The Truth About Back to School

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 17:53:00 +0000

(Fond end of school award rituals captured from years gone by...)

The time honored tradition of back to school holds a variety of emotions for most people I know. With a strong belief that a good education is the key to a better life, we dutifully prepare children for the schedule and routine that will dictate the next nine months of their lives and ours. We do everything that we can to make their life ready for learning - or do we? Today I ponder the truth about "Back to School."

Our entire family was not ready to go back to school. My Real Simple magazine highlights the ritual of one group of mothers who collectively toast the start of a new year, but most of my friends dread it. Literally, at the last possible minute we're cross checking book lists, supply demands and uniform codes - as if life depended on it. Doesn't it though? For our children to be prepared, don't we have to ensure that all of their needs are met? Well, common sense tells me yes. Snarky end of summer blues tells me no.

I secretly look at every person in the mall and wonder if their children can read or write. I know that they will be dressed to meet a fashion standard regardless of uniform code - but I don't know how much this has to do with true learning. I believe in being prepared to learn but I've come to resent the need for new tennis shoes, a new fall wardrobe, or the inevitable list of supplies that could teach a small village I'm sure. My resentment may come because our finances are so tight, or maybe because I hear the coded language that follows the observations that I share. Sometimes I share the observations - wondering is it racism, a matter of class, or both.

1. Why does a child who needs tennis shoes from the donation program get picked up in a Lexus?

2. Why does the backpack drive come complete with parents who have a fresh manicure, pedicure and hair appointment within the last 7 business days?

3. Why does a child who can go 3 weeks without duplicating clothes not carry books home at all? (He did indeed attend the event in #2)

4. Why does a child with free or reduced lunch get dropped off in a late model car?

5. Why are there voucher programs accepted signs now proudly posted on every store I shopped at in the last month - where the average home value is $300K?

You can tell me about the stereotypes I'm making if you want to, but the conversation is starting to bother me too. My neighbor is a school administrator and sighed in disbelief after he told me story after story of the child that they helped...when it seemed as if the parents had not made a better decision - that they could have easily made. Maybe its because I had to listen to a woman tell me why she understood my private school decision because of the lack of "serious rigor" in my Suburban School district that had evolved from "working class people to the west." She was surely serious as I looked at her clueless behind with disbelief. Hello...I would be one of those working class people. The local school performs well, but the lack of diversity just grieved my spirit for my children - couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it. It either makes me really dedicated to their education - or a fool for buying what I could get for free. The later is real high on my list some days.

We didn't buy all new school shoes this year - we worked with what we had and supplemented the obvious gaps. We brought new backpacks because the old ones had holes, not because we were excited about this years' selection. We scrambled like crazy people today looking for the components of the "dress uniform" which is worn one day a week - and why you might ask. Because the children who have clothes rolling out of their drawers and closets - have 1 dress uniform each, because we paid 3 sets of tuition in the last month. And although they have what they need to make it through each day - school started on August 11th. We have yet to make the shift from sun and fun to "back to school" - we managed tears with less than a full week of homework completed. Transferring to a new school means new uniforms and countless clothes without a purpose nowadays. Sigh. Hiss. Sigh.

Although no one has come forth to organize the mother's social for my peer group, our networking has begun. Can you pick up the children next week? Can you feed mine on Thursday of this week? Will you tell me the assignment from last Friday? What time is the PTO meeting and who had the audacity to think the dinner hour was smart? So as I see the umpteenth request for donated school supplies, or I see the line at the check out counter for back-to-school essentials, it isn't lost on me that this is only one aspect of preparedness for learning. What about listing good parental guidance and common sense on the list - can we get some of that? I doubt it. Last year I dealt with bullying, mean girl syndrome, racism, and a boatload of things I thought my private Christian school would handle better. Nope. In a true false test you'd be in trouble I tell myself.

1. Breakfast - did I make it? Will they eat it?
2. Sleep - are they showered? How fast can they get in bed? How many hours did they get?
3. Homework - is it written down? Is it completed? Is it correct? What needs to be studied?
4. Activities - are they relevant? Is the time commitment reasonable? Am I asking too much of them? me? husband?
5. Clothing - does it fit? Is it where it needs to be? Is it in the closet, drawer, basket, washing machine, dryer?

I'm astutely aware that the Back to School ritual means different things to different people. I've started my own snarky observations of those around me. School for some is daycare at best. I'm concerned at the core for latch key children, followed by my own reality check that if I'm not careful I'll have kids splattered around the city in aftercare. (Also known as no care in many mom circles.)

As we set the course for this year, ever so slowly, I've got to wonder what will we all learn and what will we all accomplish by the time June rolls around. We do a lot of busy work - but are we teaching the skills, values and lessons that we need to? I feel it every time we put gas in the van, assess the soles on those tennis shoes, write 1 of 3 checks for the privilege of learning...but the real preparation, is that financial at all? Just maybe we should be teaching high expectations, study routines, and cooperative parenting 101, while our children are sent off to learn the state mandated concepts we so aptly do in the few waking hours they have now that Summer is officially over. The Truth about Back to School .... it is starting to appeal to my cynical side for the difference between being "prepared to learn" and capitalism 101, fashionetta 214B, and remedial priorities.

Celebrate Today!

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron + Alaine) — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 14:11:00 +0000

There are no little events in life, those we think of no consequence may be full of fate, and it is at our own risk if we neglect the acquaintances and opportunities that seem to be casually offered, and of small importance.
~ Amelia Barr

I was feeling the pressure to write, produce, and be more today... I settled on the simple reminder that 4 is only four once - and it lives not within my fingertips, at the command of my computer or in the never ending schedule
of obligations contained within my mind.

And for one who believes herself to be one who encourages, lifts, embraces,
and befriends fiercely - the cheerleaders for everyday motherhood and the ability to simply be - are a dying breed. Unlike a "vacation" reminder in my email options, maybe my life should often read - "busy today. trying to live it. life." But affairs of the heart are rarely as succinct as their authors lonely attempts to capture them.