Theogony Cycle: Mater Natura Universalis

One of the most fascinating tasks in modern science is the search for alien life. We send probes to other planets and moons armed with all kinds of fancy detectors, tirelessly looking for its traces with the staggering hope that even if the aliens might be reluctant to reveal themselves to us, we could at least smell their farts. And we don’t stop there. We also look for places which possess “the right conditions and ingredients” for the emergence of life. The most commonly cited ones are the presence of water and proximity to large energy sources like stars or molten planetary interiors.

All those ambitious endeavors are profoundly admirable but caught in our game of discovery many of us forget to acknowledge something absolutely fundamental: We don’t seem to have a reliable understanding of what life really is. This makes our strategy look like a provincial affair.

Truth be told, all great discoveries started as provincial affairs. When Columbus reached the American Antilles, he assumed he was arriving in India and when he met the local people, his first thought was how easily he could baptize them. To add ignorance to bigotry, the map he used to plan his discoveries was a work of pure wishful fiction.

Naturally, all explorers are limited by their own experience and beliefs, even though we tend to portray them as insightful, open-minded dreamers who have an immediate and miraculous impact on society. Columbus may have physically and geographically discovered America for the Europeans of the Middle Ages but the philosophical shockwave of this explosive expansion of the Medieval World were felt much later.

Just like Moses never reached the Promised Land himself but showed his people the direction, modern astronomers and astrophysicists are not necessarily required to have credible premonitions of the unknown. What we could try to do is expand the range of our radar. This includes trying to find as many answers to the question “What is life?” as possible.

By some twisted ironical coincidence, this question doesn’t feel very precise to begin with. Philosophically, it’s much closer to existential questions like “What is love?” than to scientific ones like “What is the speed of light?”. Whatever answers we may hope to find, they are very likely to be based on subjective intuition rather than universal objectivity. But intuition has always played a large part in science. It may not be an actual ingredient in scientific theories but it’s a formidable driving force for discovery.

One of the most remarkable attempts to answer the question comes from Erwin Schrödinger, who had the advantage of being both a physicist and a biologist, not a particularly common combination. If you fancy popular science documentaries, you may have heard of his famous cat. If you’re a celebrity addict, you may know he received the Nobel Prize in Physics in 1933 pretty much for the same things that made his cat famous.

Schrödinger’s hunt for a definition of life started with a series of lectures. The attendants were warned that ‘the subject-matter was a difficult one and that [they] could not be termed popular, even though the physicist’s most dreaded weapon, mathematical deduction, would hardly be utilized”. His popular book What Is Life? was first published in 1944 and among other things, it became a significant source for inspiration in the discovery of the DNA molecule.

Schrödinger tries to define life presenting it as a quantum phenomenon. From such a point of view, life appears as a principle of nature that balances the effects of the second law of thermodynamics. Which in more poetic terms means that life is a force that creates order from disorder in an environment where the general direction is the actual opposite.

It’s a beautiful idea, though there’s the very real danger it may be mercilessly abused by every control freak and obsessive-compulsive perfectionist that ever lived.

It also seems strikingly obvious. When asked by NASA about the most reliable way to detect life on Mars, environmentalist James Lovelock suggested that whatever device visits the planet, it shouldn’t simply search for water or amino acids but for signs of “reduction or a reversal of entropy“.

All other signs of life we normally take for universal may turn out to be specific only to our own planet. Others can be misunderstood. If an alien probe visits the Earth and crashes near a the trunk of a tree, chances are it may not recognize it as alive. Furthermore, there are many organisms whose survival depends on faking death. But whatever the occasion or the environment, as far as scientific analysis is concerned, nothing can fake order.

Alphadesigner Chaos, Order and the Definition of Life

I started learning Photoshop before I knew how to properly start a computer. It was in 1997 during my first year in the university when a friend of mine who had a printing company showed me the program and how it worked. He had Photoshop 2.5 installed on a Windows 3.11 machine in his office. Just to give you a point of reference, the interface looked like that. For me, it was simply magic. I used to sneak into the office, scan printed photos, apply an Extrude filter and print them again, so I can hang them on the walls in my new apartment.

10 years after I was working with images containing hundreds of layers, spread on canvasses with stupefying resolutions. It was the climax of my digital imaging obsession and I was as interested in expressing myself creatively as in testing the limits of the processing power of my machine. My appetite for complexity turned to a fetish, which itself turned to an artistic philosophy.

There was a reason for my extremism. It was partly because of artistic insecurity. But the real one was my deep hatred for the prevailing “less is more” attitude of the time. Don’t get me wrong, I could always appreciate simplicity as a designer but as an artist I refused to be constrained by an aesthetic that was primarily developed to suit the practical needs of commercial advertising. I couldn’t articulate it that clearly at the time but I had the habit of engaging in all kind of disputes about it and they always ended disappointingly because it’s hard to be the one who moves against the current. That made me even more angry but also even more inspired.

I started the Trinity artwork in 2006 and continued to actively work on it for more than a year. Gradually, it grew to a 35 megapixel opus dedicated to my passion for music but that was only on the surface. Underneath, lurking in the cold recesses of my subconsciousness, was my almost sexual obsession with visual detail. I couldn’t get enough of it. Like a teenager who just discovered masturbation, I could use any excuse in my pursuit for digital pleasure. You can still sense it in this interview by Digital Arts magazine 3 years after. It’s an ode to Photoshop nerdiness and I play the central character. I think at that time, I could clearly choose Photoshop over sex, if of course someone was crazy or irrelevant enough to make such a proposal in the first place.

I revisited the artwork several times since then but I never showed it in its 35 megapixel entirety. The last time I posted a draft of it was in August 2007 on Flickr. As you can see from the description on the page, I had problems working on the file because my computer wasn’t powerful enough. Even today the Photoshop scratch file reaches 10 GB when I open it on my current machine. I guess those technical limitations gradually cooled my passion for it.

Computing power aside, I don’t think I will ever work on something so enormously complicated again. I’m a very different person now. I haven’t accepted “less is more” as my motto, not even a bit! I’d rather drown myself in turpentine than admit defeat in this battle but 6 years after I unleashed the force de frappe, I’ve learned to pick my weapons in a more economical way. And maybe that’s why I love this image. It’s a relic of the time when I was thermonuclear. Here it is, finished, in all its glory and for those brave enough to enjoy complexity for the sake of compl pleasure, I am offering it as a print in my art store.

Alphadesigner 35 Megapixels of Music, Sex and Photoshop

The Scream by Edvard Munch, slightly edited. :)

Up until now I have resisted making fun of overpriced art because in the majority of the cases it’s not the author’s fault. Many of today’s bestselling artists had no clue their paintings were going to be worth shitloads of money.

It’s not because they were stupid. For example Edvard Munch was a very intelligent person. He was really good in physics, chemistry, and mathematics. Just like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, he became a college dropout but he didn’t cancel his studies to start a company that would pursue world domination. He did it to become a painter.

For Edvard Munch art was a personal, intimate affair. “In my art”, he said, “I attempt to explain life and its meaning to myself.”

Whether he succeeded or not is a question only he can answer. But apart from that, art has another function – to provoke similar epiphanies in the public. That’s the tricky part because here the affair stops being personal and enters society’s playground. The possible outcomes can be generalized in three distinct major scenarios.

In the first scenario nobody pays attention and your artwork, regardless of its aesthetic or technical qualities, is simply ignored. This is what actually happens in the majority of the cases.

In the second scenario your artwork ends up in a museum as a part of a thematically organized collection. It fails to make an impact on its own but is nonetheless appreciated as part of something bigger.

In the third scenario your artwork becomes a culture icon.

This last one is supposed to be the epitome of success. But in fact, the opposite can be argued. Culture icons have the same function as street signs. They can help you navigate but not understand the society you’re in. They don’t transmit emotions, just directions. It doesn’t matter how well made they are, actually it’s a real shame when something artistically significant becomes an icon because it loses all its genuineness and relinquishes its meaningful artistic impact. As art critic Robert Hughes speculates in his wonderful documentary The Mona Lisa Curse – if someone back in the day told Leonardo that Mona Lisa would become the most famous artwork in the 20th Century, the poor Italian would have declared him mad.

I’m sure despite the enormous difference between the Renaissance artist and the father of Expressionism, Edvard Munch will react pretty much the same way to the news that The Scream, his best known painting, just made a record when it was sold for 120 million dollars.

As it usually happens, there are plenty of people who try to rationalize such an absurd event. In the article linked above, BBC News arts editor Will Gompertz pretends there is a reasonable explanation behind it:

The reason for the record-breaking auction price achieved by The Scream is a simple case of market economics in an age of global capitalism: demand for Grade A art far outstrips supply. In a world of jittery stock markets and double-dip recessions, top-end artworks have become a reliable and highly desirable investment for the world’s super-rich.

Putting the words “painting” and “reliable investment” in the same sentence is disturbing enough but linking them grammatically is – if we have to use Alan Greenspan’s terminology – pure irrational exuberance. One day, somehow, the art market bubble is going to blow and I would give 121 million dollars to be there.

It will tickle me just the right way.

Alphadesigner The Voluptuous Art Market Bubble

What tragic times have befallen the Spanish royal family! Queen Sophia couldn’t cook her elephant paella this weekend because her husband stepped on his skirt and fell during his safari in Botswana. You can hear the stomachs of the children rumbling. There are rumors one of the infantas fainted after trying to eat her last evening dress while the Prince of Asturias has been last spotted chasing a goat around the Picos de Europa.

There are at least 3 things more pathetic than a wounded hunter past his prime who cannot deliver for his family.

The first one is that Juan Carlos is moonlighting as a honorary president of the Spanish branch of conservation group WWF, while in his less honorable time he enjoys shooting animals he doesn’t even eat.

The second one is that there are enough psychologically repressed macho men in Spain who secretly admire him for being able to satisfy his bloodlust in far away lands. After all domestic bullfighting is not what it used to be and there are so many gay people frowning about it. So many that all the machos dream of packing their bags for Botswana.

The third one is that tolerating a privileged aristocracy in the 21st Century is the purest form of masochism.

Alphadesigner Elefantes por la patria or the New Bullfighting

In the introduction to my Trumplust Card Deck I hinted it was more than a design and illustration project. The concept goes far beyond and includes a fully developed mythology and a custom card game. After the completion of all the illustrations from the card deck, here comes the Trumplust World Map, which depicts the world featured in the mythology of the game.

The Trumplust world is divided in 4 continents, 3 oceans and 1 sea. Each continent has 2 islands, 1 mountain, 1 river and 1 city. In the center of the world is a mysterious city built on a landmass that doesn’t belong to any of the continents.

Hyperborea (North)

Hyperborea, the Northern continent, is the realm of the Spades ruled by the gods Osiris, Kali and Belus. It’s named after a mysterious country from Ancient Greek mythology. Pindar described it as a land of plenty where disease, war and labor are unknown. In Trumplust however, it’s a cold and barren continent, inhabited by a warrior race.

Its city Valhalla is named after the legendary Hall of Heroes in Norse mythology. Through it flows the river Vaitarna. The name comes from a Hindu myth about a river that separates the Earth from the realm of the dead, similar the the Ancient Greek Styx. In Trumplust, it’s a cold icy river which poisons every living creature that touches its waters. Only Kali, the Queen of Spades can resist its spell and come out of it alive.

Osiris, the King of Spades, lives on Mount Killaraus, named after a mythical Irish mountain, which is the source of the stones used in the construction of the famous Stonehenge according to the legend of King Arthur. In Trumplust, it’s a mountain of pure transparent ice, which makes it invisible to any mortal. Although all deities can see it, only Osiris can climb its slopes.

Off the Eastern shore of the continent lies the Isle of War, inhabited by giant warrior birds. Their bodies are said to be covered with blades instead of feathers and are the primary source of weapons for all the Spades. The island of Thule lies to the Southwest. It’s the only place in the realm of the Spades which is not covered by ice. In its cool misty forests live the spirits of all heroic warriors. Spades visit the island to seek advice from the spirits, who are said to possess the power to see into the future. Thule is an actual name of a northern land in medieval European literature, sometimes described as an island.

Antillia (West)

Antillia, the Western continent, is the realm of the Diamonds ruled by the gods Jörmungandr, Lakshmi and Mammon. It’s named after a legendary island in the Western Atlantic, frequently depicted on pre 16th Century maps, even though its existence was only hypothetical, originating from an old Christian legend about Visigothic bishops fleeing the Muslim conquest of the Iberian peninsula. The Antilles archipelago in the Caribbean was named after it. In Trumplust, it’s a desert continent inhabited by a merchant race.

Its city Hesperidia is named after the legendary Garden of the Hesperides which according to the Ancient Greek myth was a blissful place, situated in the far western corner of the world. Through it flows the river Sillas. It’s the Hellenistic name of a non-existent Indian river hypothesized by the Ancient Greek ethnographer Megasthenes. He mentioned that nothing cast into its waters can float and sinks to its bottom. In Trumplust, this quality is preserved, whatever falls into its deep turquoise waters sinks immediately and can never be recovered. Because of that Sillas is also referred to as the “river of greed”.
Lakshmi, the Queen of Diamonds is said to be able to walk on the surface of its waters. Because the river cannot be directly crossed, it literary splits the continent in two and anyone who wishes to move from the northern to the southern part has to go around its spring, which lies to the far east.

Jörmungandr, the King of Diamonds, lives on Mount Judi, named after the mythical place, where Noah’s Ark came to rest after the flood. His palace is a giant sea shell situated at the top.

To the North of Antillia lies the Isle of Demons, the birth place of the god Mammon. It is named after a legendary land that can be found on some medieval maps. The island is surrounded from all sides by high razor sharp cliffs and according to Antillean legends beyond them stretches a flat valley full of treasures and gold. Off the Southern coast of the continent is the Isle of Jealousy, a place entirely covered by giant tropical forest. Its soil contains a lot of diamonds. Unfortunately those diamonds turn to water if they leave the shores of the island.

Primordia (East)

Primordia, the Eastern continent, is the realm of the Clubs ruled by the gods Chronos, Rhea and Min. Primordia is a rich fertile land inhabited by the peasants, who are a race of hermaphrodites.

Its city Eden is named after the Biblical Garden of Eden. Through it flows the Lethe river, named after one of the five rivers of Hades from Ancient Greek mythology. According to the legend, everybody who drinks from it experiences complete forgetfulness. In Trumplust, it’s the river of ignorance. Everybody who drinks from its waters forgets everything he has learned in life and enters a state of blissful happiness. Because it’s the only source of fresh water on the continent, all of its inhabitants are under its influence. Rhea, the Queen of Clubs, lays her eggs in the river, from which all peasants are born.

Chronos, the King of Clubs, lives on Mount Penglai, named after a mythical mountain in Chinese mythology inhabited by immortals. His palace is a giant tree that grows on the top of the mountain.

Close to the Southern shore of Primordia lies the Snake Isle, inhabited by dragon snakes. Their poison is an antidote for the magical effects of the river Lethe. To the North lies the Isle of the Sexes. According to a legend, every peasant who reaches its golden sands turns into a man or a woman.

Ourania (South)

Ourania, the Southern continent, is the realm of the Hearts ruled by the gods Anteros, Astarte and Kamadeva. It is named after the Ancient Greek goddess Aphrodite which was known as Ourania in some ancient writings, as a reference to her father, the castrated Uranus. In Trumplust, it’s an enchanted world occupied by the race of the poets.

Its city Utopia is named after the philosophical concept of the ideal society. Trough it flows the river Malva, named after the mythical Malvam river in Northern Africa. In its waterfalls live the nymphs, the daughters of the Astarte, the Queen of Hearts. The songs of the nymphs are stronger than opium. Many poets come to the waterfalls to find inspiration in their singing. Some of them are so taken by the songs that cannot find the strength to walk away and die from starvation. Astarte takes their souls and carries them to Elysium, the island of the Eternal bliss, which lies to North of the continent.

Anteros, the King of Hearts, lives on Mount Meru, the sacred mountain in Hindu and Buddhist mythology, considered the Center of the Universe. His palace floats on a cloud around the top of the mountain.

Apart from Elysium to the North, there is the Fortunate Isle to the East, named after the legendary islands in Ancient Greek mythology, which welcomed the souls of famous heroes. In Trumplust, the island is known as the place of requited love. It is believed that any poet who is able to swim to it will find his muse in flesh and blood waiting for him at the shore.

Oceans and Seas

There are 4 of them. The Ocean of Doom lies between Hyperborea and Antillia. The Ocean of Obsession is between Antillia and Ourania. The Sea of Innocence connects Ourania to Primordia and the icy Bitter Ocean separates Primordia from Hyperborea.

Agartha

In the exact center of the map lies the city of Agartha. It’s named after the legendary city that is exists in the Earth’s core according to some hollow Earth theories. In Trumplust it’s a mysterious place which is still unexplored. Anybody who tried to reach it never came back. The seas around it are notoriously stormy and hard to navigate.

The Four Winds

There are 4 primary winds in the Trumplust world. All of them are named after their modern geographical equivalents – the Northeastern Greco, the Southeastern Scirocco, the Southwestern Libeccio and the Northwestern Maestro.

Alphadesigner The Trumplust Mythological World Map

I’ve been dreaming of designing my own set of playing cards for a lot of time. The idea first came in 2007 when I was working on my Theogony project. For a brief time I was even considering turning the whole project into a tarot deck. Last year I finally started making drafts for the more widely used French deck and that’s how my Trumplust Deck of Cards began to take shape.

Although it was no longer a part of Theogony, I decided to follow a similar concept which can be described as re-interpreted depictions of ancient mythological figures and deities. The main difference is these interpretations now follow the organization of the standard playing card deck and to achieve that, I had to assemble groups of deities under common “houses” that correspond to the four suits of Spades, Hearts, Diamonds and Clubs.

The end result is a divine pastiche of gods and goddesses from Norse to Hindu mythology. The symbolism of the suits was also re-imagined and so were some of the cartomancy concepts as you will see in the explanations below. Like any other of my project, the Trumplust Deck of Cards is far from finished, so I will gradually expand it further. The association of each suit with a cardinal geographic direction is far from accidental and that’s going to be one of the ideas I will definitely spend some time on.

The House of Spades

Symbolism: War, violence, challenge, sacrifice, death, afterlife
Direction: North
Caste: Warrior

King of Spades: Osiris

The card symbolizes the cycle of life and death through pain and sacrifice. Osiris was one of the most revered Egyptian gods, ruler of the underworld and a symbol of life at the same time. He embodies almost every archetype of an ancient supreme deity. According to the myth, he was twice killed by his own brother Set and twice resurrected with the help of his wife Isis. Their son, Horus, was conceived by Isis from the dead body of Osiris.

Queen of Spades: Kali

The card symbolizes the brute force of nature and evolution, devoid of human categories like justice, compassion and mercy. Kali is the Hindu goddess of rage, annihilation and destruction and symbolizes the moment of death and letting go of one’s ego. She is often associated with darkness and the force that transcends time, one of the fundamental aspects of the Universe to which every creation inevitably returns.

Jack of Spades: Belus

The card symbolizes civilization and conquest through war and technology. Belus is a Babylonian god of war. The name is a latinized equivalent of Madruk, the ancient patron deity of Babylon.

The House of Hearts

Symbolism: Love, romance, emotion, spirituality, magic
Direction: South
Caste: Poet

King of Hearts: Anteros

The card symbolizes the union of hearts and the triumph of love over individualism. Anteros is the lesser known brother of the Ancient Greek god Eros. He’s the god of fulfilled, requited love.

Queen of Hearts: Astarte

The card symbolizes the yearning for love. Astarte is an ancient Eastern Mediterranean goddess of sex, love and fertility. She’s the “prototype” for the Ancient Greek goddess Aphrodite and the Roman Venus. All of them are associated with the “evening star” – the planet Venus.

Jack of Hearts: Kamadeva

The card symbolizes sexual desire and passion. Kamadeva is a Hindu god of physical love. According to some myths, he was born from the mind of Brahma, the god of creation.

The House of Diamonds

Symbolism: Luck, wealth, greed, rationality, materialism
Direction: West
Caste: Merchant

King of Diamonds: Jörmungandr

The card symbolizes possession and obsession with power. Jörmungandr, also known as Midgard, is a mythical ancient sea serpent in Norse mythology, one that holds all the waters of the world in his embrace. According to the myth, the end of the world will come when Jörmungandr loosens his grip.

Queen of Diamonds: Lakshmi

The card symbolizes wealth and material prosperity. Lakshmi is a Hindu goddess of wealth and fortune, closely associate with money, which are considered one of her many manifestations.

Jack of Diamonds: Mammon

The card symbolizes greed and the speculative accumulation of wealth. Mammon wasn’t originally a deity but a Biblical term used to refer to unjust material gain and gluttony. Later, it was personified as a false god and as one of the seven princes of Hell in Christian demonology.

The House of Clubs

Symbolism: Birth, fertility, desire, sex
Direction: East
Caste: Peasant

King of Clubs: Chronos

The card symbolizes the passage of time. In Ancient Greek mythology, Chronos is the personification of time. He is sometimes depicted as a serpent, who circled the primordial egg which contained the world, ultimately splitting into three different parts – earth, sky and ocean.

Queen of Clubs: Rhea

The card symbolizes birth and the instinct for procreation. In Ancient Greek mythology, Rhea is the mother of many Olympian gods, among which Zeus, Hades, Demeter, Poseidon and Hera.

Jack of Clubs: Min

The card symbolizes fertility and the primal sexual desire. Min is an Egyptian god of nature, reproduction and male sexual potency. He’s often portrayed black-skinned and with an erect penis. The Ancient Greeks associated Min with their god of nature, Pan.

Alphadesigner Trumplust, Reinventing the Playing Card Deck

What does it take to appreciate a satire? Naturally, it would be sense of humor. What does it take to appreciate satire in which you are one of the objects that’s being satirized? Sense of humor plus a sense of self-irony.

Self-irony is necessary for a lot of other things as well, and whenever there is lack of it, people usually start to take themselves very seriously. Religious fundamentalism and militant nationalism are among the pinnacles of this deficiency but its less-sophisticated forms, like provincialism, are not less frightening. In fact, they can often do as much damage in the long term.

Provincialism is actually what the Mapping Stereotypes project is about. That’s the core source of nationalist bigotry. The idea that your country is the only one worth living in and the readiness to dismiss the rest of the world as either undeveloped or existing strictly below your own miraculous standards is so medieval and out of touch with the modern world, that it deserves all the ridicule it can get.

My project has been featured in many major newspapers, radio and TV programs in the world and the journalists that were in charge of writing the materials or conducting the interviews were all insightful enough to spot that and to present the point I am trying to make without twisting it to serve some short-term tabloid purpose. Why didn’t somebody at the German Stern get uncomfortable with Germany’s “Dirty Porn” label? Why wasn’t the interviewer from the Russian Izvestiya furious with Russia’s “Paranoid Oil Empire” label? How come nobody from the Italian Corriere della Sera thinks “Straight Homos” is an unacceptable insult to his country? It’s very simple. They weren’t limited enough to assume I may suggest those labels in any serious way. That doesn’t mean they didn’t ask me about my motivations behind the project or that they didn’t feel they should be critical.

The case with the Spanish El Mundo is different. I was approached by the journalist Eva Dallo several weeks ago, she literary turned every possible stone to find me for an interview. She explained how much she liked my project and how she wants to write a “humorous article” about it. Because she was in a rush, I agreed to be interviewed on the phone on Saturday morning and we had a really interesting conversation that lasted more than an hour, after which we exchanged some emails as well. She seemed genuinely interested in writing a good article and I respected that, so I did my best to share my thoughts. We spoke about stereotypes, how serious they can be, whether they are based on reality or not and what my impressions about Spain were.

The moment I realized something may be going in the wrong direction was when she called me after a week, saying that she sent a draft to her editor which got rejected because “she wasn’t critical enough”. How do you criticize satire apart from an artistic point of view, is a question that I still struggle with but I decided to continue being helpful and accepted another round of questions. This time Eva wanted to know whether I was myself prejudiced. My answer was that I, like any other person in the world, am not immune to prejudices but I do my best to confront them the moment I realize I’m acting under their influence. I shared that I have been a victim of stereotyping myself and that the hurtful experience it has brought to me doesn’t allow me to label people easily with generalizations.

Today when I opened El Mundo’s Magazine supplement to see the actual publication I was genuinely proud that finally a major media in the country I live in decided to talk about the issue. And then I started to read. The feeling that it provoked is kind of difficult to describe. Instead of my own words, what I read was Eva Dallo’s personal interpretations. I am directly quoted 8 times, each with a sentence. The rest is her, contemplating. Repeatedly, Eva Dallo even suggests that I believe in the prejudices that I ridicule, on one occasion she even speaks of me having no regard for my own country. When she tries to depict (sort of) my claim that I don’t feel prejudiced, she uses a quote about supermarkets, which is one of the weirdest logical constructs ever possible.

The article is a pastiche of chaotic thought in which Eva and her editors are trying to meet two objectives. The first one is to please their family-oriented slightly-conservative audience that obviously demands a patriotic discourse on the topic. And the second is the desire to appear self-reflective, despite of all that. This is how the satirical things that we discussed ended up presented as serious and how the serious ones never even got mentioned.

At the beginning of the article, Eva claims I think that despite all the famous actors and sportsmen, Spain is still known for its “charangas”. As a joke, it’s probably a good start, unfortunately if you continue reading you realize that she totally confuses my serious personal opinion with the prejudices I ridicule. She even goes as far as to suggest that the maps offer descriptions not exactly of stereotypes but “popular views”, which is – for lack of a better word – absolutely disgusting.

Once set, such an agenda ultimately leads to the gross simplification of issues instead of… well, real issues themselves. Like for example, an interesting fact I learned from an Italian emigrant in Barcelona who shared with me that a significant number of young Italians choose to emigrate to Spain:

I remember about a year ago a girl from Barcelona got in touch with me, I think she studied sociology and she said many young Italians emigrate to Spain. I was a little bit surprised and I asked her why. She replied that young people in Italy tend to be pushed to the sidelines of society, their ideas and efforts are less appreciated and the traditionalism is getting in the way of progress. She said Spain, in general, often had similar problems but compared to Italy, the traditionalist part of Spanish society is much less arrogant towards ideas coming from young people. I have discussed this with other friends in Italy and it seems to be true, especially with young people who try to have an independent career path, outside of what’s being prescribed for them from their families or the society in general.

The quote is word-by-word from our email exchange. Over the phone, we also talked about the historical differences and similarities between the Balkan and the Iberian peninsulas and how diverse and hard to generalize Spain is, even if, for some very ridiculous reason, one suddenly looses his mind and decides to embark on such a task seriously. We talked about the need to preserve many disappearing architectural marvels that Spain possesses, about its inefficient bureaucracy, which Spanish people excel in trashing in personal conversations. Unfortunately there’s not even a trace of that in the text. Either because some of these issues don’t possess the simplicity to entertain or are simply patriotically inconvenient. Or both. Instead, there is an abundance of misguided claims about me as a person, my choice to live in a town of 13.000 people (as if that prevents me from visiting big cities) and last but most amusing – a couple of ridiculous geographical mistakes. Despite living in Berlin for quite a while, Eva Dallo thinks East Germany (labelled on the Europe According to Germany map as Proletariat) is actually Poland. Even Stalin didn’t dare to dream of that. She also claims I made a map according to Arabs. I will be thankful if she tells me where I put it.

Alphadesigner The Spanish El Mundo and Journalistic Provincialism

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God heard a noise in the kitchen and created light to see whether a mouse wasn’t eating his cheese. There was indeed one. It was staring at him with its cute little eyes and mouth full of tasty aromatic cheese. God got really angry. He knew the mouse was an incarnation of the Devil. The Devil himself was created by God but an unfortunate accident during a poker game turned them into bitter enemies.

God decided to trick the Devil and get rid of him, so he created Earth, then turned to the mouse and said: “Naughty little rodent! You ate my cheese and pooped in my fridge, therefore I curse you for all eternity! You shall live in holes in the Earth and chew wheat grains all the days of your miserable life!”

“Wheat what?” said the mouse.

“Wheat grains!” repeated the Lord with his majestic, authoritative voice.

“What on Earth is that?” asked the mouse and then added ironically “Pun intended!”

“Oh crap!” said the Lord and threw some weed seeds on the freshly created Earth. “Here they are!” The seeds immediately started sprouting, growing bigger and bigger. In several minutes, the whole Earth was a dense, impenetrable wheat field.

“That’s not very cosy you know…” complained the mouse “I can hardly move in this thick vegetation. Is this the best you can do?”

“Of course not!” angrily replied the Lord whose pride was slightly hurt for having to reason with a tricky little rodent. So he created men to control the spread and growth of weed.

“Interesting!” said the mouse and took a sip of tea to wash the remains of cheese down his tiny cute belly “I shall befriend thee!”

“Like hell you will!” said the Lord “I will make their women scream each moment they see you!”

“What on Earth are women?” The mouse could barely hide its itchy sarcasm behind his cute little mustaches.

“Erm…” God hesitated for a while but decided to pretend He wasn’t caught unprepared, so He snapped his fingers very fast hoping the mouse wouldn’t notice “There they are!”

“Interesting!” said the mouse. “You just created women!”

“No I didn’t…” replied the Lord “Men did!”

“Those men are pretty creative” said the mouse. “I think I like them. Maybe I should move to Earth permanently, eat grains for a while and then wait until they start producing cheese!”

Judging by His red, pulsating face, God was getting pretty pissed off. The mouse knew it was getting on His nerves big time but continued to play the role of an innocent creature with a superb Satanic dedication.

“Say it!” said the mouse with its little tender voice!

“Say what?” angrily exploded the Lord.

The mouse smiled and sarcastically added “You lost again!”

“No I didn’t, you little idiot! They will never make cheese! They won’t even think of making cheese! Even if there were cows on Earth and those cows get domesticated by the humans. Even if they milk them every day and get the best milk in the entire Universe, even then, they won’t make cheese!”

“That doesn’t seem very logical to me!” said the mouse “Why would they refuse to make cheese after all this!”

“Because I will forbid them to!” said the Lord.

And that’s how sin was created.

Alphadesigner Castilian Mythology, Part I (Creation)

After the Arab Spring update, the Mapping Stereotypes project finally enters the realm of astronomy.

This chart finally delivers a crushing blow to the lunatic theory that Israel is round and rotates around the Sun. The country is just too important to be bent into a sphere and tossed around in space.

I actually truly believe this is the mental image that most Israeli politicians have of the world. The paranoia that drives them literary smells of early antiquity. In case you don’t know, that was the time when the Earth was flat and what happened outside your own borders mattered only when it came to military threats. Your land was divine, your city was the only one worth living in, your buddies were the only fun guys in the universe and your women – excuse the sexist cliche – the most shagadelic.

Of course, with several important inventions throughout the ages, humanity managed to move forward. Borders dissolved, people started to move around, America was “discovered” etc. Unfortunately, I think that Israeli politicians spent all this time in cryogenic stasis. When they were defrosted in the middle of the 20th Century, they just continued doing what they did best – being adolescent, provincial kings, pursuing their policies with total disregard for the rest of the world.

This is why, strictly speaking, there is no actual Earth on this map. Only the state of Israel. Around its flat holy surface revolve 8 planets. And far away, in the cold recesses of the Oort cloud, lurks Iran.

Alphadesigner The World According to Israel

This map premiered on the pages of the Weekend edition of the Guardian newspaper on February 28th.

It’s the sequel to my Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Arab Spring. It’s a rather cynical glitch in my otherwise cheerful Mapping Stereotype project. If you’re over 30, try to recall the sound when you used to abruptly stop your parents LP player, tapping with your little hand over it.

Depending on the pressure you are able to exert, the LP will either screech and stop immediately (the Libyan ending) or distort the sound and slowly moan until you finally manage to rip it off the player (the Egyptian one).

Seeing Gaddafi’s lifeless, bloody corpse on TV spoiled all the sympathy I had for the rebel movement. Suddenly I remembered that oppressive dictators are never alone in their job, their commitment to oppression and taste for violence are cultivated by the environment that created them. In most cases, they are children of their own people. Whether or not the Libyan people will overcome those traits is a question I am not competent to answer but more importantly – I don’t care. I was lead to believe by the media that this revolution meant something that it didn’t. I was convinced that there were guys out there who were tired of the backward tribalism and wanted just to push it out of the country and make way for something more civilized.

The Egyptian ending was even worse because it seems everything was just a storm that passed leaving all the old trees unaffected. Nobody even talks about Facebook revolutions anymore. People on the social network moved on and returned to their favorite activity: playing Farmville.

Alphadesigner The Winter of Arab Discontent