An Alternativ Life

whoa what??

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 12:50:00 +0000

Oh hey look guys. It's me. That one guy. Yeah.....

Um.

Hiiiiii.

This may or may not be a return to blogging, I'm not sure. Quick rundown: I'm in a steady nosedive school-wise and it's not bothering me as much as it should. The last week and a half I have been consumed by theatre. Like, consumed. More on this later thought. I'm sleepy.

Down to the reason for this post. A certain video has emerged on the internet. A certain epic video. A video who's epicness knows no bounds. It is a shining example of truly great machinima. I'm sure to the large majority of you it is meaningless and dull, but to me and others with similar interests, this will fucking floor you.

thinilla

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 08:13:00 +0000

I have just made an ice cream discovery of epic proportions. Thin Mints + Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat my ice cream by a roaring fire and watch Diggnation on a bigass TV.

clinically obsessed

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 01:53:00 +0000

My parents think I'm depressed. They've been quite obsessed with the notion for a month o

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going home, yet again

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 22:39:00 +0000

Hey guys, I'm going home for spring break in just a few minutes. While there, I don't want to access my blog, so I'll be posting via emails, so some of the formatting might not be perfect. I'll fix it when I get back. Thanks again, dear reader! Have a good spring break if yours is next week.

'scuse me, can i borrow your hips for a second?

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 11:13:00 +0000

I wanted to post something here tonight. But I'm not sure what... So I suppose I'll just start writing and hope it flows.

So did you guys see Hillary on the Daily Show? That lady has a creepy, creepy face. Oh and those solid color suit-jacket things she sometimes wears? Ugh-lee. Solid yellow doesn't look good like that. Especially on TV.

Oh my God! I totally forgot! Something happened today that rarely ever happens. Today in lighting lab, if I'm not totally mistaken, I got flirted with! What the crap is that? Heh. This guy is a piece of work, that's for sure. He has a nasty little drug habit, but still. It started when we were up on high beam. I was walking over to a fixture to take it down, and I was placing my hand on the railing every few feet as a I walked to steady myself. Well this guy started walking real close behind me, and placed his hand on top of mine half a second before I moved it forward another few feet.

I thought nothing of it, of course, but then it happened twice more, and I thought, "Ooooook. That's interesting." Then we had to climb up a few beams to get to a few fixtures on the side booms, and while we were up there he started chatting me up and smiling a lot. I suppose you could say I was flirting back too. Still nothing much, though. But then, back on high beam, I was loosening the c-clamp of a fixture with my wrench and he was working on the one right next to me. He asked to borrow my wrench and I said, "Sure, but it's tied to my belt." (Standard practice when working above people's heads) He laughed and said, "Then you'll just have to scoot over here." I chucked a bit and obliged. Suddenly the rope seemed a lot shorter than I remembered it being. I had to scootch up pretty close to him, with my hips basically in his face. He glanced up at my waist and just giggled, and I gave him a "something funny?" look. Now I don't know if he actually needed more slack, but he pulled on the rope more, pulling my hips in closer to his head. He finally started loosening the bolt, but he kept glancing up at my waist (or crotch, I couldn't really tell). I just smiled and shook my head.

Then the Assistant Lighting Designer (ALD) came over and said, "You know there are wrenches on the table downstairs, right?" To which my wrench-mate replied, "Oh yeah I know, but I'll just keep using Cody's if that's all right with him." "Whatever," the ALD said. He did end up going and getting a wrench though.

Quite the interesting and fun encounter if nothing else. Oh, and he's cute, but not really my type, even if you omit the drug thing.

Oh, and one more thing. LOST!!!! Last Thursday's episode was simply epic. The show was good before, now it's getting..... just.... amazing.

Night, dear reader!

this is getting out of hand

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 13:07:00 +0000

"Steam and hot water had been restored to the campus this past weekend after we repaired one of our boilers at the Co-generation Plant. At 4:30 AM this morning the boiler failed again. We are investigating the failure. The temporary boiler is on campus but there is a lot more work to tie it into our plant than we anticipated. We are working 24/7 to get this boiler operating. We have started up a small boiler on west campus thereby allowing us to provide heat and hot water to all west campus buildings which includes Family and Consumer Science and all buildings west of Academy Street. We have started the engine at the Co-generation Plant. Using the waste heat from the engine we are able to provide some steam and hot water on Central and East Campus but it is not sufficient to meet all of the campus needs."

No steam means no hot water, which means no clean dishes, which means paper plates, which means limited menu items. No hot water also means cold showers, and that makes me a sad panda.

Add all this to several electrical failures, shoddy internet speeds, and the bat-shit insane construction going on (they bulldozed over a hundred parking spaces right next to my dorm (why yes, as a matter of fact, I can hear the construction equipment almost 24/7, it almost drowns out the constant train horns that frequent this town) to make a freaking park. Don't get me wrong, parks are all well and good. I love parks! But the campus parking situation is bad enough as it is. Sheesh.

On a different note, Obama was on campus today! How freaking cool is that!? Not as freaking cool as the AP mentioning a comment he made here today.

And Obama continued the attacks and counter-attacks, telling an evening rally at Texas State University in San Marcos: "When it comes to policy, John McCain is not looking forward, he's looking backward. I have some news for John McCain: They took their eye off the ball."

What's not so cool is that I didn't make it out to hear him. Something tells me that I'm going to mildly regret that for the rest of my life. Oh well. (Ted Kennedy was here a few days ago and I didn't go see him either.)

In other news, I've been having a serious problem waking up. It's finally happened. I used to be able to just say up whenever and get up whenever. I might have been tired, but I always got up. Well the last two days, I've overslept. I don't mean "aww shucks, I'm going to be five minutes late"-overslept. I mean *yaaaawwwwwn* *streeeeeetch* "Holy crap it's 2:30!"

Yes I know what you're thinking, "But Cody! You're posting this at 7:00 in the morning! You'll be able to wake up if you just go to bed early!" How right you are, dear reader. However, I'm suspicious of the fact that I may suffer from some kind of sleep-deprivation-something-or-other. Not that that's an excuse, but whatever. If I try to go to bed before I'm drop-dead tired, it takes me hours, and if there's one thing I can't stand, it's just sitting there. Doing nothing. Being completely and utterly unproductive. Ugh!

So naturally the whole unlocking-my-phone-in-my-sleep-and-turning-off-the-alarm thing is not helping with my schoolwork. I don't know what's gotten in to me, but I'm basically 100% apathetic about it. It scares me to say that, honestly, I could care less if I flunked out. Let me make it clear that even admitting that is no easy task for me. It's so easy to just sweep that under a rug and keep on going. I don't want to think about it, so I'm going to keep this post moving right along to something I enjoy more than generally failing at life.

Audiosurf! This game is freaking amazing. I could go on and on and on (and, believe it or not, on) about it. But I'll spare you and just give you the short version. This is a music based game much like Guitar Hero or Rock Band, only you're not holding a guitar, just your mouse. The other big difference is, you can feed the game any music file on your computer, and it works it's magic. It creates a track that slopes up and down with the tempo and pace and curves and twists. Then it adds blocks to the track. Different modes in the game define how you are supposed to interact with the blocks. The coolest thing is, the type of song you choose directly affects how that "level" plays. I tried to take some video of me getting my gay on and surfing to some Mika, but I have just about the worst sound card ever, so I would have to spend forever re-syncing the sound. So, let us now reap the benefits of YouTube. Here's a guy playing Audiosurf on one of the harder difficulties to "Spybreak!" by the Propellerheads:

head asplode

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 21:50:00 +0000

I have an ear infection, the hallway smells like a fucking locker room, the RAs want to talk to us about sex, and I've just been informed that I have a test on Wednesday.

Jebus.

it's me!

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 09:44:00 +0000

Lookie what I did.
It's me in all my uh... "splendor."
Enjoy.

america - listen to this man

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 04:25:00 +0000

Hey guys, I'm going to be picking back up on my writing here pretty quick (possibly tonight (don't quote me)), but I wanted to share this video with you guys ASAP.

Mike Gravel posted this to his YouTube account yesterday and I think it's something people should see. Gravel, to me, seems like the logical choice for president. It's really too bad that he doesn't really have a shot. Almost makes me want to move to Alaska. Anyway, in this short video, he give his views on the importance of keeping the state and the church as two separate entities.

I've gotta say, I couldn't agree more.

Gravel '08!

Also, you can't ignore the fact that his method of choice for spreading his message was to post a video on YouTube. This guy really knows how to connect with this generation.

mystery shelf

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 21:54:00 +0000

OK guys. What the crap is this thing for? It's in the stall at the library, about forehead height, and at an uncomfortable distance to reach. It swings down to make a horizontal surface, but springs back up into the shown position when let go. The spring is rather strong so whatever gets placed on it must be somewhat heavy. This is killing me. I have to know what this freaking thing does!

let's fall together

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 20:37:00 +0000

Skyway Avenue by We The Kings. Listen to it. I did and now I can't get it out of my head. On second thought, don't listen to it. Yeah... that's probably for the best.

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 07:47:00 +0000

Ahhhh. The first week back. How are you, dear reader? That's great!/I'm so sorry to hear that./Just swap the packet-switched natural-language content framework with the fully-integrated double-buffered high-speed interface compressor. (Circle the answer that best matches your response.)

I fully intend to return to regular updates to this blog, so expect that and stuff. My holiday was actually great. I had a blast (for the most part) being back at home, seeing friends, the whole nine yards. (The tenth yard being pleasant and fairly normal, but tiresome interactions with parents.)

Unfortunately I haven't read hardly any blogs over the break, so I'm going to have to do some catching up and such. However, I'm currently rather busy with getting back into the swing of things here at school. Last semester didn't go so great (in many aspects), so I'm trying to change that by, for one, getting off to a better start. Also, my classes start at 9:30 instead of 11 o'clock. Such a tragedy, I know. Consequently, that means it's time for bed now.

Check back later for (a) more comprehensive update(s).

In the mean time, stare at this delicious picture of some delicious soda being held by my not-so delicious hand taken with my ever so un-delicious camera. Seriously, go get some of this stuff.

quench your hunger

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Sun, 13 Jan 2008 19:13:00 +0000

On the way back to school, we've stopped to eat at at a Dairy Queen. They have this sign hanging on the ceiling. Can you spot the error? Heh. Wonder how that actually got past so many people. I'll be blogging about nothing soon.

hottie in the house

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 08:38:00 +0000

Remember Kevin's super hot brother? This is his bed and I'm about to go to sleep in it. Too bad he can't climb in with me. I can only dream. Quick recap: Christmas was good, the family is good for the most part. More to come later guys, I'm goin' to bed.

blurbs

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 23:14:00 +0000

So I had every intention of writing out a post or two before I left for home where I don't dare log into my blog. But I overslept, like usual. And now I have less than an hour to pack my room up. Heh.

Oh well.

I love you guys, and thanks for not totally giving up on my blog. I'm going to try and post whenever I can over the next month, but I don't know when or how that will be.

I wish you guys the best for the rest of 2007, and merry Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate. Oh yeah, and happy new year too.

Love,
Cody

i'm strange, here's why

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 06:10:00 +0000

Oh. My. God. "Failed ladder advertising"

My sides hurt. I can't stop laughing. It's just so perfectly cliched and epically failed. There is not a single thing about this video that is not funny.

I'm not fucking kidding.

I'm crying. Not just my eyes got watery, tears are streaming down my face. OMG sorry, I have to go and watch that video again.

the cursor mocks me

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 09:08:00 +0000

Once again I am finding it easier to write in this blog than to write my paper that was due a week ago. Nice professors are nice, so I can get full credit if I turn it in before 8AM. That's four hours and 52 minutes. I don't think I'm gonna make it.

The phrase "Just shoot me" comes readily to mind. Siiiigh.

It's not even a hard class. Not at all. I could have this thing done in 45 minutes. Or not. It's whatever.

bad internet services company, bad

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 19:03:00 +0000

Quick blurb that doesn't fit into my thanksgiving wrapup post. Well, two blurbs.

First off, what's up with Yahoo! spamming me about their anti-spam capabilities? That's just absurd. I know this is really common, but the practice of tacking on a spammy advertisement about spam protection to emails suddenly hit me as terribly offensive. Yahoo!, go stick it where the sun don't shine.

No, just no. Don't fucking do that. Bad form, etc.

Second blurb, get your cute butts over to the CyberSocketWebAwards and vote for Brent Corrigan in the Best Porn Star Site and Best New Adult Site categories. Or just vote for whoever you think you should vote for (as in Brent Corrigan).

thoughts for the road

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 22:05:00 +0000

This is Texas trying it's best to look beautiful. It's also the view facing west-southwest on the westbound side of I-10 in front of Sealy High School in Sealy, Texas while stuck in traffic. Take your pick. Both are equally dull.

I had an outing that I thought was a semi-date then wasn't then was then wasn't. More on that adventure in awkwardness later.

My feet are cold.

I want Rock Band, bad.

eye candy

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 04:28:00 +0000

I'm sitting in Kevin's living room, and I can't keep my eyes off of his older brother. He probably has the most beautiful body of any guy I've seen with my own eyes. Plus, he has the habit of walking around the house in nothing but a thin pair of boxers. They don't leave much to the imagination. :D

Drop dead sexy baseball playing brothers aside, I'm having a great vacation. I'll post more later.

arrestation ensues

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 10:06:00 +0000

Heh, I had a fun night, how about you?

So one of my friends got arrested. This guy's name is Austin, and he's probably the closest of my new friends since moving to college. He's a great guy, and we're remarkably similar in a lot of ways. Only real differences are, he's really into cars and guitars, isn't gay, and smokes a loooot of weed. That's about it. Engage story mode:

I was eating dinner around 10:30 (welcome to college, folks) when my phone rings. We had planned earlier to get together tonight with this one girl (who is one of those really cool people that are just so awesome to hang out with) and watch Twelve Monkeys; sort of like a last hurrah before we go home for Thanksgiving Tuesday night. Anyway, that's what I'm expecting this call to be about when I pick it up. Ooooh boy was I wrong.

"Hello?" "Is this Cody?" You know how when someone else is on the phone than who you expect it to be, and it takes you a second to realize it? Heh. "Um....duuurr. What's up, dude?" "This is Officer Didn't-Catch-His-Name, is this Cody Smith?" Hooooooooly shit. "Um, yes sir." "I have Austin here under arrest, and I need you to come take possession of his vehicle so it doesn't get towed. Are you able to do that?" I jumped up from the table, covered the mouthpiece and said, "Sorry guys, I gotta go. My friend's getting arrested." And quickly headed for the door. I did a mental inspection of my situation. I was about dead center on campus, and my dorm is on the very edge. I don't have a car, and I don't know the streets in the area very well. Already halfway down the steps, I asked "Am I his only option?" "Pretty much," the cop replied. Siiiiigh. "Yeah I can make it there, where are you?" "Well," he says and starts spouting directions and turns like I've lived here for 20 years. When I don't reply he asks impatiently, "Did you catch that?" "Um, not really could you repeat it please?" "Look, do you know where the Red Robin is?" "..........No." "Well it's across from Chili's" "OK." "Just take [somewhat simplified form of directions]." "OK, I think I got it."

"Great," he replied a little too sarcastically for my taste, "how soon can you be here?" Still not knowing exactly how far it was and factoring in the fact that I had no car, I said, "Uh, about 20 or 30 minutes." "Well, you have ten. It's now 10:41, you have until 10:51." And with that, he hung up.

Shit. I really fucking hate cops like that.

With that thought, I bolted. Running flat out, I called my roommate, and woke him up. "Dude, get up. My friend's getting arrested and I need you to take me to his car to take possession of it." "Whaaa...." "I'll be there in three minutes, meet me out front in your car. I'll buy you pizza later to make up for it." Well, it was more like five minutes, and even then, I waited around in the parking lot for what seemed like an eternity before he showed up. We climbed in his truck and I related what directions I could (thankfully he knows this area better than I do), and we took off. I called Austin's phone again at 10:48 to make sure we were going the right way and to let him know that we were going to be a tad late. Naturally, no one answered it. So we hit the feeder and do like 90mph, going northbound on a hunch, looking for flashing lights.

Pretty quick we see them in the parking lot of a Shell station and pull in, a full eight minutes late. There's one squad car with Austin in the back, one police SUV with one of Austin's friends in it (one he has a romantic interest in, just to ice the cake), his red Mitsubishi Eclipse 3G (it really is a sweet car, fun to ride in the way he drives, except if he gets you arrested, but whatever), and two cops. Roomie pulls to a stop next to the squad car and rolls down his window. Cop #1 says in his best stern cops voice, "Stay in the car!" Too bad I didn't hear him....

I hop out of the truck and walk around the front of it, my roommate's eyes get huge and he does that whisper/yell thing "Dude, get back in the car!" Ha. I looked at him, like "What are you talki-"

"Get your hands on the car!" shouted cop #1. Oohhh. That's what he was talking about. So I'm thinking, "What the fuck is this?" "Stay right there, son," cop #1 (who I have now identified as the one I spoke on the phone with (i.e. total douche)) says. What I'm thinking is, "Fuck you for calling me 'son'," but what I say is, "Yes sir." My roommate must have thought all this was funny, because he starts laughing, but doesn't hide it very well. The ~~doucheba~~ cop, didn't seem to care though.

So I'm sitting there with my hands on the hood of my roommate's truck and I think for a moment what this must look like to Austin from inside the squad car. Then I look over at cop #2. He's got latex gloves on, and is rummaging though Austin's car, and believe you me, he's finding all sorts of goodies. On the top of the car are few various articles of paraphernalia and baggies. Cop #1 finishes doing whatever, and walks over to me, "Are you Cody?" "Yeah." "Got some ID on you?" "Yeah," I reply. "OK, get it out."

I start slowly reaching for my back pocket (I can't see the cop (who I have have by now decided, is fucking insane)). The whole time I'm thinking at him, "Don't you fucking do anything that's going to get me on the ten o'clock news." I get my driver's license out without incident, and hand it to him. He relaxes a bit, for whatever reason, and says I can turn around. That's when I realize that I don't know how to drive a standard. This is fucking great.

I tell cop #1 this, and he says, "Well, are you going to drive it anyway?" (What the fuck kind of suggestion is that?!) I sort of stammer and he says, "Because I need it moved." So I turn to my roommate and say, "Can you drive a stick slash you mind if I drive your truck back?" He replies, "I haven't driven a stick in years, man." (For some reason, I thought the cop would freak out about this implication of underage driving, but nothing happened.) The cop got impatient or something and just made the decision and said, "I'm going to need you to step out of the vehicle, son." (Not even kidding, it was totally clichéd like that.)

He asked for his ID too, and roomie obliged. We shot each other a look, because his record isn't exactly spic and span, so who knows what he was going to discover when they ran his driver's license number. Luckily nothing came up, because I was pretty sure he had some stuff he wouldn't want the cops to find his truck. After that he just told us to stay by the vehicle with our hands "where he could see them" (seriously, this guy gets off on being a cliché) until his parter was done. So we all just sort of stood there. Lights flashing, the whole nine yards. I glance over at cop #2 who is still pulling crap out of Austin's car; he's moved on to the hatchback now.

Roomie pipes up after about 10 minutes, "So wha'd he do?" I swear to God, the cop looked us square in the eyes and said with a straight face "Traffic stop. He had a ticket he hadn't paid for (which was true)," and all three of us turned our heads over to look at Austin's car where cop #2 was pulling baggies out of a pair of shoes in Austin's trunk. We all three turn back to look at each other. Faces totally straight. Oh lawd.

After another five incredibly uncomfortable minutes, cop #2 walks over to us, snaps off his gloves in as dramatic a manner as possible, and says, "Sorry to have wasted your time, fellas. There's too much 'stuff' in this car for you to take it." What!?

Then cop #1 says, "Ya'll're free to go." Riiight. As if I was being detained and wasn't ever not free to go. My roommate says some line about not having to strip his gears, and we hop back in his truck and head back to the dorm.

Fuckin' craaaaazy.

random mobile blog entry

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 22:26:00 +0000

Ever have one of those moments when you realize that you'll remember it forever? That happened to me in history today. Nothing special. The professor was lecturing about the events leading up to Mexican War; he hit the next slide and the title slid in - "War." No idea why. Oh well. As you were, men.

oops

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 10:28:00 +0000

I fell asleep. So nothing got done. Now I'm upset with myself. Few things make me madder at me than accidental napping.

On the bright side, you can watch this video made by Lance and his friends. Yay for comedic talent.

Part One

Part Two

Also, more of my graphic design hobby. A friend gave me some free webspace, so I had to come up with something to put there for the time being. This is what I came up with, 100% from scratch. I'm not gonna link the actual site, though, so click this tumbnail for a representation of the design. I your opinions. Night (again, grrr).

a moment of happy

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 13:17:00 +0000

Sorry about the spartan posting, guys. It's been a crazy week. Prime example: I thought my history test was Wednesday. Nope, it was yesterday. I failed it, obviously. I've also been working on my comedic duet acting piece. Performed it last Thursday, got a 95, made people laugh, it was grand. I gladly took some time out today to just sit in the quad and relax. It was a nice day, and everybody seemed to be in an upbeat mood. You know that strange positive energy that you get in a group of happy people? I soaked it in this afternoon, and took pics.

I was expecting to spend all of today studying, but now I guess I don't have to... Therefore, I have vowed to catch up on my blogging, cause it's really bugging me. Seriously. What the fuck. I'm so lazy. Whatever.

So I'm gonna go to sleep now, yes, I haven't been to bed yet. I was up all night being awesome. This is actually a story in itself. Anyway, until later today guys, thanks for sticking with me and my lack of updates. You guys rule.

Also, here's a kick ass video of Swedish DJ Basshunter. If you haven't heard of him, then you aren't a geek (like me) or you don't listen to any club music (like I do). The subjects of his two top hits are about a video game and an IRC bot, so you can see why I like him. The song is amazing, and the video's even cooler. The lyrics aren't anything special though, so I think you guys can live without subtitles. Also, you'll note within the first ten seconds that he's really cute.

(Just ignore the ironically placed Girls Gone Wild ad... har har)

he'll be comin round the mountain

noreply@blogger.com (Cody) — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 09:32:00 +0000

So my dad called me randomly today and asked if he could drive up here for the afternoon just to talk. He said he was "concerned" and he felt like "we couldn't do this over the phone or email." I'm really not looking forward to it. I can tell you exactly what's going to happen.

He's going to take me out to eat somewhere and being the long process of "bringing me back to the Lord." The moment my dad knew I was gay, he started plotting (I am not over-exaggerating the slightest bit by using that word) towards his goal of seeing me follow his faith, and everything that entails (a.k.a. not being gay), even if that means he has to make me unhappy and uncomfortable and make me hate him.

See, I've been kidding myself ever since I came out to them. It didn't go quite as well as I kept telling myself. Oh sure, on the surface, things seemed fine, but I know my family. I know how they are. As loving and open as we are with each other, we still clam shut when things get truly emotional. That's one reason why coming out was so tough. My parents and I hardly talk on that level. So put yourself in my shoes and then imagine my dad asking you to tell him how you feel about being gay, or to explain to him what made you "think" (that's the word he'll use) that you were gay. Well, I have no problem telling you guys how I feel about it, but when he asks such a question, it brings the conversation somewhere that it hardly ever goes within our family.

I suppose nobody bothers asking each other about deep, personal feelings because we're all afraid of the answers and arguments that could result from it. Which is basically the same as saying our relationships mean poop-squat. To put it shortly, this meeting will be harder than actually coming out. When I came out, I just said it, and they absorbed. My mom did her bit, and now she's starting to accept it (I think). She would still want me to "accept Jesus," but would rather me be happy (but under no circumstances will she ever confront my father on this). I foolishly assumed that I would not have to deal with another face to face encounter with them until Thanksgiving. Instead, I will have to have the most uncomfortable and heated meeting with my father in 7 and a half hours.

A big part of me wants to just give up and give in. I'm tired of this bullshit. All my life I've had his faith forced down my throat. For the most part, all my life I've just bit my tongue and tried to get through it. I want to force my (lack of) faith down his throat. I want to get in his face and scream at him that I could never get as close to my father as I wanted because there would always be this thing between us. This fundamental difference of beliefs has been a silently lurking fault line, waiting to tear us apart since "the day I stopped believing." I want to tell him to leave me the hell alone for the rest of my life.

It would be grand for a month, maybe two. Then I would realize that I missed him so much that I would cry, and I would hate myself for crying. Hate myself for missing him, and hate myself for crying about it, then I would cry some more, until I couldn't stand it anymore.

What the fuck is wrong with this world and my life? I love my father so dearly, and yet I wish he would drop dead so I could be free of his grasp. I marvel at the power a simple phone call has. I was having a great weekend until 9:14PM today.

In other news, The Orange Box is fantastic. Too bad I'm not in more of a mood to rave about it. Excuse me while I try my best to squelch my emotions like I'm accustomed to doing. It helps me sleep...