I travelled for work this week, so I watched the Super Bowl in my hotel room, with Twitter to keep me company.

Here's one way to get a snack and not miss any of the game.

Last year, I watched with Jack and let him rate the Super Bowl commercials for me. Without the wife and kids around, I found myself wondering what, if anything, all the ads said about families.

By my own loose methodology, 36% said something about parenting or childhood. (Or at least my childhood.)

Here’s what I learned.

1) Vampires are also clueless parents. (Audi)
When vampire kids say they went to a friend’s house to study, they have actually gone to a vampire rave in the woods.

2) Chris Rock was only partially right about a father’s responsibilities. (GoDaddy.com)
Your job isn’t just to keep your daughter off the pole. Your job is also to keep her out of GoDaddy.com commercials.

3) Your kids will have outsized expectations of your own generosity. (Chevy Camero)
You bought your kid a fridge for graduating. He was expecting a car.

4) Your son is going to do incredibly stupid things when he is out of college. (Chevy Sonic)
Don’t be such a square, Dad. Everyone bungee jumps with his car.

5) Your mother will be a lot more relaxed with the grandkids than she ever was with you. (Doritos)
You may not have been allowed out after dark, but your baby is absolutely the rock in her baby swing slingshot.

6) All of your important family moments will happen in a car. (Toyota Camry)
Except conception.

7) Mankind will soon be extinct. (Fiat)
Especially if men keep confusing cars for women. And that is not what a tailpipe is for.

8. Parents are willing to put up with a lot of shit for their families. (Career Builder)
Including work with monkeys.

9) Clint Eastwood is America’s dad. (Chrysler)
I don’t know that any of my own father’s lectures have ever been this memorable.

10) Ma and Pa Kent were WAY better parents than you. (Chase)
Kid kicks a football through walls and all you can think about is an NFL contract.

11) Hollywood wants to piss on my childhood. (George Lucas; Tax Act.) But the Avengers will save it. (Paramount)
Clint wasn’t the only guy manning up. I still believe in heroes, too.

And not for nothing, but I didn’t notice any other kind of family but those with two opposite gendered, caucasian parents. I think we’re a little bit more progressive and real than that.