That’s how I feel now: as if disaster is nearing my doorstep again.

I wonder:

• Will my social security suddenly disappear?

• Will the dollar be toppled in favor of cryptocurrency, destroying my retirement savings?

• Can I replace the income I’ve lost due to a recent glitch in my earnings as a writer?

Along with my self-focused worries, I also felt concern for those who will be persecuted mercilessly.

You probably also have worries, and they’re not unfounded. I won’t wear rose-colored glasses and tell you everything will be okay.

Suffering may be ahead. Desperate people sometimes do desperate things.To lighten your worries, please remember that you can’t control anyone else, and no matter how hard you try, you can’t determine every outcome.

But you can stay in integrity and do your best to remain calm for your own sake and the welfare of others.

That massive river of lava eventually arrived. The force of its heat burned my home to the ground along with my furnishings moments before the lava buried my property.

I’ve survived more than one disaster, multiple traumas, and uncountable political upheavals. These experiences taught me to adopt attitudes and actions that have helped me stay relatively calm when new chaos occurs.

Today, I want to share three of my strategies with you.

That doesn’t mean my body never floods with fight-or-flight chemicals due to fear, worry, or anger. I’m only human, and you are too. We shouldn’t expect to remain perfectly calm amid chaos.

But we can strive for more untroubled moments. This is what works for me.

Choose Simplicity

I arrived in Hawaii with four suitcases, one filled with books. Since that day, a decade ago, I’ve accumulated far more, but I’ve learned to keep my life simple.

So, when I evacuated in 2018, I took two suitcases, two cats, bedding, and a few precious items. Aside from a few household supplies, the gigantic cat carriers left little space in my car for more. My precious items included my laptop, journal, and mala (Buddhist rosary).

Rentals had suddenly become scarce, but I luckily found lodging on a 15-acre farm up a one-lane road a hundred miles away. I settled in, satisfied to live with few possessions.

Since then, I have acquired a new home and re-accumulated more worldly goods, but I’ve learned not to be attached to material things. I always identify belongings I no longer need and pass them on to friends or a charity store.

Less attachment means I can adapt more quickly to change. I might feel momentary disappointment if something I own is damaged or destroyed, but I won’t be devastated for months or years.

Mindfulness meditation has taught me to find joy within rather than pin my happiness on external objects.

“Over the course of an average lifetime, because of all the clutter we live in, we will spend 3,680 hours, or 153 days, searching for misplaced items.” — Joshua Becker,Becoming Minimalist

Feel Your Feelings

That doesn’t mean you should be stoical about chaos, crisis, or tragedy. Feel your feelings, but try not to let them carry you away for extended periods.

I still recall the moment I realized lava had crept onto my land. I thought I had accepted impermanence but suddenly felt gripped by terror. The hope hiding in my heart was destroyed in a searing flash.

I felt the distress and let it pass. I didn’t make it bigger than it had to be by adding worried thoughts and more desperate feelings.

You can learn this skill in mindfulness meditation. The more you quietly observe thoughts and feelings, the more you see their transitory nature. If you don’t attach to them, they dissolve on their own.

Suffering exists, but we don’t need to exacerbate it with extra thoughts. Feel your feelings, but don’t get stuck in them.

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.”―Thich Nhat Hanh

Help Others

Helping others can take our minds off our troubles, restore our calm, and reconnect us with our power.

A white paper titled The Science of Generosity by the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley, highlights research showing that generosity leads to greater happiness, improved health metrics, and increased life satisfaction.

There are countless ways to help others. You could:

• Volunteer your time at local charities, shelters, or community projects.

• Help a neighbor by babysitting, running an errand, or assisting with a chore.

• Donate to an organization supporting immigrants, advocating for women’s rights, or educating about climate change.

Let’s keep our hearts open and stay connected to each other. Our strength lies in our togetherness.

“We cannot preserve self without being concerned about preserving other selves.” — Dr. Martin Luther King

I have my worries. Who doesn’t? But I won’t let them overwhelm me and steal my calm.

Time has taught me that my worst worries rarely occur. Even when they do, I know I’m strong enough to move on and rebuild. In a year or two or three, difficult experiences will be but a memory. I’ll look at the view again, just from another angle.

[Photo by Pixabay on Pexels]

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I didn’t know there were right-of-way rules in a bank. But maybe there’s a law of physics that says never get in front of an anger-prone woman when she’s moving in a straight line—one I just didn’t know about.

She accused me of having bad manners. She told me I should have said “something” before getting into the line ahead of her.

This woman wasn’t disabled or elderly, in which case, I would have paused and let her go ahead. She was much younger than me. In Hawaii, where I live, the tradition is to let “aunties” (elders) go first. But obviously, not in this case.

She continued to berate me, and that’s when I made a mistake. I defended myself by stating why I had, so to speak, the right of way, but that just made her more angry. She continued to attack me verbally.

In hindsight, the whole exchange was ridiculous. We were the only two people in line, and now the tellers raised their eyebrows at us. I’m glad they didn’t call security.

I wish I had said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cut you off.“ But even though it was such a little thing, I felt triggered. My rational brain had momentarily gone offline.

Why Do Little Things Trigger Anger?

There are different but interconnected reasons as to why a little thing might trigger anger:

• From a psychological perspective, you may have adopted aggression as a survival strategy due to early childhood wounds or trauma. As soon as you sense a threat, you respond aggressively.

• From a neuroplastic perspective, you’ve repeated an angry response so often that you’ve created an anger “ route” in your brain. Your fallback response has become anger.

• From a spiritual perspective, you may have a karmic propensity for an anger reaction based on having repeated the same response often. Or, you may have a previous karmic connection with this individual.

In all cases, repeating aggressive behavior strengthens the tendency to respond in kind in the future. Is that what we want?

Probably not, but it’s not easy to change a tendency to anger. And, when I use the word ‘anger,’ I mean all its forms, from heated words to a cold shoulder, from an annoyed look to distant silence.

These propensities are deeply ingrained in our brains. The time between the trigger event and a response from the amygdala, the part of the brain that deals with emotions, can be as little as a quarter of a second.

So, first and foremost, when you lose it, have compassion for yourself.

It won’t help to get angry at yourself, too. Make a vow to change your behavior in the future, but don’t be hard on yourself.

It takes a lot of practice to catch yourself and turn your anger around. But we must do this because chronic anger is not good for our bodies, minds, or spirits.

And look at the havoc it can bring into the world in the form of war.

Chronic Anger Is Bad for Your Health and Happiness

Research studies have linked chronic anger to a variety of physical and mental conditions, including:

• Heart Disease

• High Blood Pressure

• Strokes

• Ulcers

• Liver Damage

• Kidney Damage

• Depression

• Anxiety

Anger is not the sole cause of these conditions, but it can be a contributing factor.

Consider how we describe the impact of anger in the English language:

• Seeing red

• Blood boiling

• Burning with anger

• Hot under the collar

• A slow burn

• Blow off steam

• Bent out of shape

Our language has developed this way because we intuitively know repeated anger is not good for us, right?

Research shows that anger and happiness cannot coexist simultaneously. No one feels happy when they’re angry. Don’t you agree?

A Better Way to Deal with Anger

There are many ways to deal with anger, like counting to ten before you respond. By the time you’re done, your rational brain will likely have come back online and stopped you from escalating an angry exchange.

I want to suggest another idea embodied in this quote from Morihei Ueshiba, the founder of the martial art, Aikido.

“When someone comes to you angrily, greeting them with a smile. This is the highest kind of martial art.”—Morihei Ueshiba

An Aikido master attempts to unbalance an assailant. What better way to neutralize the energy of anger than by responding with an unexpected smile? What better way to create harmony than to join with a person rather than oppose them?

What if I had smiled and said, “I’m sorry,” to the lady in the bank? Such a gesture would probably have disarmed her entirely. She would have had no further ammunition with which to continue her attack.

While we both might have felt slightly distressed given what had already occurred, the angry feelings would not have escalated, causing even more harm.

Of course, we need to use common sense when applying Morihei Ueshiba’sadvice. You wouldn’t smile mockingly but with gentleness. And if you live with an abusive partner, you don’t smile when he aggressively comes at you; you run or call for help.

But in many situations, flashing a heartfelt smile might be the perfect way to de-escalate an angry exchange.

I regret my response to the lady in the bank. Maybe she was having a bad day. But I know I’m not perfect, and I forgive myself.

I aspire not to react with anger in the future. In angry situations, I hope this quote from Morihei Ueshiba will arise in my mind and remind me that a smile would be a far better response.

Remember My Story

I hope you’ll remember my story the next time someone comes at you with anger. Here are the main things you can do:

1. Smile if you can. Apologize if you can. Do what you can to join with the person rather than oppose them with force.

2. If you respond with anger, catch yourself as soon as possible. Forgive yourself for making the mistake. Aspire to do better in the future.

Anger is a powerful force, but we can learn to turn it around with practice and determination. Follow these two suggestions and contribute to a little more peace on earth.

We’ll all smile at that!

[Originally published on Medium. Photo by Steven Aguilar on Unsplash]

Thank you for your presence; I know your time is precious! Don’t forget to sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice-monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your most authentic self. 

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A minority use spirituality to solidify their egos and come out on top, all the while speaking piously.

Sounds harsh, I know. But I witnessed this when I lived in a spiritual community for three years.

Everyone, well, almost everyone, had positive intentions. But they also had years of built-in emotional habits and belief systems that hadn’t suddenly stopped when they turned toward spirituality.

Despite their lofty aspirations, they sometimes reacted aggressively, passive-aggressively, and narcissistically when triggered.

They were just human, after all.

Their poorly considered actions could easily bruise your ego. But in response, you might disregard your spiritual values when triggered, too.

It took time, but one day, I realized I had to shift from a “me versus them” mindset to a more compassionate, spiritual view.

Unkind Spiritual People

Living in a spiritual community where I had regular access to exceptional teachers and profound teachings seemed like a dream come true.

But when I came down with a mysterious illness, people responded to me through their conceptual models. Their actions sometimes seemed cruel.

For example, the nurse in our community assumed I had anorexia nervosa because I had lost a substantial amount of weight. He had worked in a clinic for young women with eating disorders, so he had to be correct.

He negatively influenced my off-site medical doctor and the person who drove me to medical appointments.

They aligned as a triadic force invested in what they believed to be my mental illness, unable to consider any other possibility. Assuming I was in denial, they condescended to me.

This continued for months but wasn’t the only challenging encounter I experienced as I struggled to gain a pound.

On another occasion, I asked a Buddhist nun about food missing from my limited provisions. Most foods made me ill, so I cherished and needed the handful I could eat to sustain my low weight.

“It’s time you got over your sensitivities. You need to desensitize your sensitivities,” she replied.

She showed no empathy for how a missing food might feel like a severe blow to an 84-pound me. She must have learned about desensitization during her years as a therapist and fixated on that as a solution to my health problems.

She knew best, and again, I was a prisoner of another person’s concept. But her solution was not a workable treatment for the yet-to-be-diagnosed mast cell disorder I had.

Those are just a few times when spiritual people acted unkindly toward me during that skinny minnie period of my life.

They probably thought they were helping me with their “tough love.” But what I needed was a medical protocol, not incorrect assumptions about my mental health.

The Tendency to Self-Absorption

To say I was self-absorbed in my health predicament would have been an understatement. Obsessed might be the best word. I felt desperate to find the correct diagnosis and cure.

I knew it wasn’t anorexia nervosa and felt furious about their incorrect assumptions. I felt isolated, alone, and powerless because I couldn’t get through to them or get the actual help I needed.

So, I fell into “me versus them” thinking. I was right; they were wrong.

As you can imagine, I experienced many moments of inner rage. But I couldn’t express it. I depended on those three individuals for my tiny food selection and transportation to medical appointments.

At any point, they could have said, “No more.”

Like my adversaries, as self-righteous as I felt, I also had many deep-seated emotional patterns and habitual modes of thought. So, I indulged in quiet anger, resentment, and feelings of victimization.

One day, my habitual responses took a sharp turn for no apparent reason.

I stomped from the courtyard, where a distressing discussion about my health occurred. I had wanted to scream, explode, and punch someone out.

Now, I vented those emotions through the force of my legs as I walked up the hill toward my accommodation. I stopped to rest momentarily and looked at the expansive view.

My mind suddenly snapped positively.

“What had happened to my spiritual values, such as love, compassion, and tolerance?”

Taking Things Personally

Many spiritual aphorisms could have applied to my situation. I had been so entangled in my ego identity that I hadn’t allowed a single one into my mind.

For example, it’s often said the obstacle is the path.

Instead of fighting against my illness, I could have accepted the situation as it was. Workable solutions may have appeared during the letting go and subsequent relaxation. If not, at the very least, I would have felt more inner peace.

The obstacle is the path.

I could have reflected upon the spiritual notion that your enemies are your most excellent spiritual teachers.

Patience, the kind that goes beyond the dualistic notion of “me and you,” is said to be a transcendental quality. The key is to see your enemies as your most excellent teachers.

If you can remain patient whenever someone criticizes, challenges, or opposes you and not react angrily, you’ll leapfrog ahead spiritually.

Your enemies are your most excellent spiritual teachers.

I could have considered the spiritual idea that we’re all the same. We all want happiness and don’t want suffering. But often, our actions don’t align with our aspirations, and we create suffering instead.

Instead of seeing my fellow practitioners as enemies, I could have realized they wanted happiness just like me. Their strong opinions buoyed their self-esteem and confidence. Isn’t that a natural human tendency?

Similarly, I wanted my illness to end so I could be happy again.

If I had recognized our similarities instead of angrily judging them, I may have built a communication bridge that would have produced a different outcome.

We’re all the same. We all want happiness and don’t want suffering.

You can probably think of another zillion spiritual lessons I could have learned if I hadn’t been stuck defending my position.

The Shift to Compassion

I didn’t suddenly transform into an awakened being.

But the insight that occurred that day I stomped up the hill caused a significant shift in my spiritual heart.

I began to feel compassion for my perceived enemies. I began to see that I needed to change, regardless of how they acted. I started to have more realistic expectations of the spiritually inclined—after all, we’re all, to some extent, still run by our very human emotions and beliefs.

My health challenges didn’t end, nor did the negative responses. I could tell several more tales of woe.

But it all became a bit easier because I had shifted from “me versus them” to “us” thinking. I consider that an incredible win.

Once my doctor prescribed antihistamines, part of the standard protocol for a mast cell disorder, I began to gain weight, too.

Originally published on Medium. Photo by Ingrid W. on Pexels.

Thank you for your presence; I know your time is precious! Don’t forget to sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice-monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your most authentic self. 

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Letting go of my countless baskets, half-used planners, and non-descript kitchenware felt easy. I mourned my books, but not for long.

The passion I felt for the life that awaited me overshadowed all else.

I know about downsizing from that radical act of letting go, reaccumulating, and letting go again more than once. Paring down to essentials has upsides but can also have downsides to consider.

More than anything, I’ve learned that you must know yourself, your needs, and your preferences so downsizing doesn’t go wrong.

The Joy of His and Her Floors

I hopscotched over two oceans and continents to meet my unexpected destiny in Hawaii. I came to paradise to rest and recuperate.

After a month, my then-partner asked, “Do you want to stay?”

“Yes!” I responded without a moment’s hesitation.

Impulsive decisions—wise or foolhardy? I only felt joy initially. The bumpy bits came later. Pele, the goddess of volcanos, tests almost everyone who dares to land and stay on the Big Island’s shores.

Within months, we purchased our first home.

With its steep Tahoe-style roof, it looked out of place in Hawaii. The side walls curved like the inside of an old boat. The once popular post-and-pier style meant you reached the first floor after climbing twenty narrow stairs.

My partner practically lived on our private lanai (deck), which looked out on a tropical backyard garden of rising bamboo, flowering ginger, and exotic heliconia. An exquisite monkey pod tree reached higher than our topmost floor.

I resided primarily on the second level (or third, depending on how you count) in a peachy-pink-walled bedroom that felt like sitting in a treehouse each morning as I meditated. My office was on the opposite side of the house, across the landing.

What could be more ideal than his and her floors?

My Downsizing Nightmare

I foolishly thought I’d spend the rest of my years in that house. Around two years in, however, my partner got the itch for something else.

“This house is too big for us,” he’d say.

“No, it’s not,” I’d retort.

At 1,900 square feet, if you counted the three covered lanais, the size seemed perfect to me.

But he continued to lament the large space, convinced we needed to downsize. Since Pele had rocked our relationship, as promised, I relented to his pleas lest our bond be torn apart.

Downsizing would mean a fresh start, right?

If he had his druthers, we’d have moved to a platform tent in the jungle. He wanted to be closer to nature, and one floor up on the lanai was far too removed for his romantic heart.

We settled on a 450-square-foot studio on five acres of land and seriously slimmed down our reaccumulated possessions to fit into that smaller space. Within three months, we had added an attached kitchen, an office for him, and a separate man cave a stone’s throw away from the house.

That still amounted to less than half our previous space.

I didn’t mind fewer possessions, but less space? OMG. My office was in the former studio turned large bedroom, separated from the queen-sized bed by a folding screen—not an ideal arrangement for sensitive me.

My partner offered to build me the space of my choice. But I could never decide. What if it didn’t work for me when it was done? How could I face a potential negative outcome and the frustration he would feel?

Our new property boasted a magnificent view during the daytime. At night, we watched movies on the spacious lanai while wild pigs rummaged around us. Many happy moments did occur.

The property felt like an ultra paradise, but the tiny space? OMG.

You see, I’m sensory-avoidant. I didn’t have a name for it then, but I required quiet, or my nervous system would go into overdrive. My former partner, on the other hand, would likely have scored as a sensory seeker.

He’d routinely sped down our dirt road, blasting his music for all ears to hear. He played his djembe drum with wild abandon in his man cave while I trembled in the house from the reverberations. He wanted to hang artwork, and I wanted blank walls.

These issues had never come up so dramatically when we had his and her floors and 1,900 square feet. Previously, we worked full-time and more, but now we were with each other day and night in this Lilliputian space.

Unfulfilled Sensory Needs Can Break You

A person’s sensory needs aren’t right or wrong.

However, since my partner and I didn’t know about the concept, our differences became a source of conflict. We each thought the other must be an alien.

Humans have seven senses. You can be sensory-avoidant in some sense modes and sensory-seeking in others or not be drawn either way.

Our seven senses include:

1. Touch

2. Proprioceptive

3. Vision

4. Taste

5. Smell

6. Vestibular

7. Auditory

Proprioceptive refers to the body’s ability to sense its location, movements, and actions. Vestibular refers to our sense of balance and spatial organization.

As a kid, I was the picky eater who hated rollercoaster rides and couldn’t catch a ball when it was thrown directly at me.

I didn’t grow out of my sensory sensitivities as an adult, but rather, they dominated my life all the more.

Your sensory needs can make downsizing a delight or a disaster. Sensory dysregulation can trigger emotional dysregulation, causing you to be an unhappy camper and struggle in your relationship. It’s good to figure this out before you leap into a smaller space and suffer.

We likely all have sensory preferences of one sort or the other.

However, sensory sensitivity can be incredibly challenging in ADHD, Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder, Sensory Processing Sensitivity (also known as a Highly Sensitive Person or HSP), Anxiety, and Post-Traumatic- Stress Disorder.

Back to More Space

Our relationship split occurred around the same time lava engulfed our home during the 2018 Lower Puna eruption.

Once again, I ended up with a few suitcases of clothing and a small number of personal possessions, such as my journal, Buddhist prayer beads, cat carriers, and cats, of course.

Everything else went up in flames.

Over the next year, I made two moves: first, to the only place I could find a few hours away, and after several months, back to my beloved community.

About a year later, I bought an 865-square-foot home thanks to insurance. I live there now with my two dear cats, surrounded by quiet, beauty, and ample space.

Will Aging Require a Downsize?

But, I wonder about the future as a woman of a certain age with a funky left knee, wobbly ankles, and pain that comes and goes in other joints and muscles, too.

I want to live out my years in my own home like 80% of Americans wish, but according to a recent article on hospice, only 25% do.

I could go smaller but not too small. I like the sense of space around me—it’s one of those sensory things. The housing options for seniors on the Big Island are sadly limited.

And what about my other sensory sensitivities?

I have trouble envisioning a workable living arrangement for the future, so I put off thinking about it.

I’m sure of one thing, however: It’s better to downsize than to be downsized by others. I’d better get on it and figure this out!

Want to know your sensory profile—avoidant, seeker, or both? Check out this sensory needs quiz from Emma McAdam, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

This article first appeared on Medium. Photo by Andrea Davis on Unsplash

Thank you for your presence; I know your time is precious! Don’t forget to sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice-monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

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It had been a tumultuous period due to insomnia, dietary disasters, and chronic pain. Gnarly emotions tried to destabilize me more than once. They succeeded at least a few times.

As a counteroffensive, I went to the ocean. Watching the waves arrive, crest, and fall, these words came to mind:

Just like the ocean, the mind can be stormy one moment and calm the next.Happiness comes from recognizing the transitory nature of all that appears in the mind. Don’t seek happiness or shrink from displeasure. Just let be with whatever comes your way. Like the waves in the ocean, it too will dissolve in its perfect time.

I don’t claim this to be my original thinking. Spiritual teachers of all kinds have taught this essential advice.

Sometimes, we mistake spirituality for a “feel-good” experience. But spiritual experiences dissolve, too, so it’s best not to be too attached to them.

When difficult times come, I try to remember that indulging negative thoughts never helps. Neither does suppressing difficult emotions or pretending they don’t exist.

When I remember the transitory nature of all that arises in the mind, each thought releases itself naturally.

The waves remind me to let go and flow—the true path to inner peace.

[Image: Photo by Pavel Danilyuk]

Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious!  Don’t forget to  sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

You might also like to check out my  Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always.  With love, Sandra

I might be forced to acquire a few more practical skills out of necessity.

For example, after my gray divorce, I learned how to handle various practical tasks, from changing the battery in my car's key fob to repairing cracks in my ceiling. I’m not averse to learning more life basics—the simple ones.

Do I want to learn to blow glass, excel at poker, or cook culinary delights?

No!

Skills are for humans. On the other hand, our spirit needs presence, full-heartedness, and wisdom. 

Shouldn’t we focus more on the spiritual dimension of being in our later years?

Aging strips away our human capabilities—sometimes gradually, sometimes quickly.

I can no longer take steps two at a time. Indeed, I’ve developed a phobia of stairs without handrails. Right about the fourth step, I fold over like an animal seeking its ground.

I can accept the second law of thermodynamics. Everything decays—even me. I don’t want to delude myself from this powerful truth by signing up for piano lessons.

If you want to prioritize new skills, that’s okay with me. I won’t judge you.

I admire my friend Gary Buzzard, who became a writer at 77. Learning new skills can boost your brain, bring waves of joy, and demolish the blues, all of which can add tremendously to an older person’s life.

But new obsessions can also distract us from our inner essence, the part of us that continues when we leave all our skills behind.

Human skills won’t necessarily help me as I edge closer to my final exit. I won’t need to know 101 ways to use my new air fryer. 

I’ll need:

• The strength to face the various stages of death—when the body becomes heavy, the hearing dull, and the breath labored. 

• The courage to let go of family, friends, and possessions and be open to the uncertainty ahead. 

• The humility to forgive those who have trespassed against me and the willingness to ask forgiveness from those I’ve faulted.

Wisdom isn’t just for your last breath, either. It benefits you now through the inner peace, compassion, and insight it brings.

As Westerners, we’re taught to squeeze every moment out of this life until the very end with cruises, travel tours, and learning new skills. We assume our soul will know what to do when Infinity opens its doors.

Some spiritual traditions, however, recognize that deepening one’s spirituality takes time. They recommend cultivating wisdom in our retirement years rather than waiting until the very last minute.

Let’s see what the yoga tradition says.

I first learned about the “Four Stages of Life” according to the yoga tradition in an article by Deborah Willoughby on aging gracefully.

The Four Stages of Life according to the yoga tradition, in brief, are:

• Student—the learning stage of childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood

• Householder—the working phase of one’s life when you might also raise a family and engage in civic duties 

• Forest-dweller — akin to the retirement stage, but in the yoga tradition, the balance of your attention turns from the external to your spiritual essence 

• Renunciate—Letting go of your attachments to the transitory material world and engaging in full with the eternal as you approach death

In her mid-fifties, Willoughby worked more hours than ever as president of the Himalayan Institute and editor of Yoga International magazine. Her spiritual mentor told her she worked too much and advised her to train a replacement.

Willoughby resisted this suggested move into the forest-dweller stage of life. In response, her spiritual teacher told her:

“You are misdirecting your attention. You’re constantly telling yourself, ‘This is what is real. These administrative problems are real. Producing a magazine is my purpose in life.’ Your endless focus on these externals drowns out the subtle dimension. It’s time for your focus to shift and your awareness to expand, but you’re resisting.”—Panditji

Without a clear replacement in sight, Willoughby put aside her teacher’s sage advice and continued to work long hours. Her meditation practice consisted mostly of endless to-do lists running through her head.

Then, her retina detached. Stubbornly, she returned to work after the first operation. It detached again, requiring a second operation. It wasn’t until her fourth retinal detachment when she could barely see to walk, that she entered into a longer recovery period and began the shift into the forest-dweller stage. 

During her recovery, Willoughby reflected on how strongly she had clung to her self-identity—all that felt familiar, comfortable, and self-affirming. She saw how her desire for continuity had made the transition to the unknowns of the next stage difficult.

With her vision impaired, Willoughby was forced to slow down physically. Interestingly, she noticed she could see better when she paid attention at each moment. She also sensed a subtle force when she paid the same degree of attention in her meditation practice.

The forest-dweller stage doesn’t literally mean you retire to a secluded spot in the woods, although it could. But generally, it represents a shift in balance with more focus on inner spiritual exploration and less attention on external activities and engagement.

You must discover the right balance of internal and external for yourself.

Due to our attachment to the identity we developed in the householder state, transitioning to the forest-dweller stage isn't easy. You could approach it gradually to make it less difficult. Add a little more of the spiritual into your life as each month goes by—whether it’s reading spiritual texts, meditation, prayer, or acts of service.

Or plunge in fully if that suits you best.

Remember my friend Gary Buzzard, who became a writer at age 77? He also engages in daily meditation and occasionally attends a Zen retreat. His writing, too, is meant to help others stay positive as they age.

That’s the kind of balance between the spiritual and material we need in the forest-dweller stage of life.

As Panditji says, we have something precious to experience and achieve in this lifetime. Old age can be a portal into our spiritual essence if we have the courage to enter into the forest-dweller stage during our retirement years.

“As long as we remain inspired to discover why we came to this world, we remain youthful. Old age has no power over us when we are accompanied by faith that we have something precious to experience and achieve in this lifetime. This faith sparks a burning desire to know the true nature of the invisible force that lies at the core of our being, and when it wells up, nothing — not the lack of worldly resources, a limited knowledge of philosophy, the absence of a living guide, or even old age — can stand in the way of our inner fulfillment.” — Panditji

That’s why I prioritize wisdom over gaining new skills. 

I have my enjoyable distractions. I relieve stress by coloring in adult coloring books. I see my best friends once a week. I’m entranced by YouTube videos on neurodiversity, off-grid life, and current astrology.

But I know I could easily get lost in learning and acquiring new skills.

So, I prioritize engaging in wisdom-enhancing activities like meditation, contemplation, and spiritual study. Because I want to know more about my true nature than anything else.

[Photo by Jill Wellington on Pexels]

Thank you for your presence; I know your time is precious! Don’t forget to sign up for Wild Arisingstack.com, my twice-monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

You might also like to check out my  Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always.  With love, Sandra

We want the good ones. We don’t want the bad ones. Yet we find ourselves caught in the same frustrating reactions again and again and again.

We may instantly blame one another for our emotional responses. I have many times. But where does that get you? Into arguments, strained relationships, and a deficit in your happiness account.

Ultimately, the propensity to respond in a particular way—with anger, jealousy, fear, or another emotion—resides within. 

Are you willing to become conscious of and accept responsibility for your feelings, emotions, and reactions?

If you answered “yes” to my question, Buddhism offers an age-old technique for achieving emotional stability. It comes from the 8th-century CE Indian philosopher and Buddhist monk Shantideva.

His technique has universal relevance. It can be used by anyone, regardless of whether you prescribe to a particular faith. It’s a practice I cherish, and I am learning to use myself.

And yes, it involves imitating a log.

How to Interrupt an Emotional Reaction

Contemporary Buddhist teachers still teach Shantideva’s method centuries later. Pema Chödron calls this approach “refraining.” Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche named it “the mindful gap.”

Let’s go back to the source and read Shantideva’s exact instructions for working with difficult emotions:

“When the urge arises in the mind 
To feelings of desire or angry hate, 
Do not act! Be silent, do not speak. 
And like a log of wood be sure to stay.”

And when your mind is wild and filled with mockery,
Or filled with pride and haughty arrogance,
Or when you would expose another’s secret guilt,
To bring up old dissensions or act deceitfully,

Or when you want to fish for praise,
Or criticize and spoil another’s name,
Or use harsh language, sparring for a fight,
It’s then that like a log you should remain.

And when you yearn for attention, wealth, and fame,
A circle of retainers serving you,
And when you look for honors, recognition,
It’s then that like a log you should remain.

And when you’re inclined to overlook another’s need
And want the best thing for yourself
And when you feel the urge to speak,
It’s then that like a log you should remain.

Impatience, indolence, faintheartedness,
And likewise arrogance and careless speech,
Attachment to your side—when these arise,
It’s then that like a log you should remain.”
—Shantideva, The Way of the Bodhisattva

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve added fuel to the fire when emotionally triggered. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut because I felt mortally wounded, self-righteous, or aggravated, sometimes even in a tiny way.

Can you relate? 

No one teaches us how to manage our emotions, but it’s one of the most important skills we can learn. 

Shantideva offers a simple solution: remain like a log.

What does that mean?

Stop Feeding the Storyline

Shantideva spells it out when he says not to speak or act.

This is not suppression but rather its opposite. Once you’ve created a story about a situation and begun acting it out, you’ve distanced yourself from the original emotion. That’s repression.

We go deeply into stories like:

• “That’s not fair!”

• “You shouldn’t have been late.”

• “You always treat me like I’m stupid.”

But often, our stories are a cover-up for our emotional dysfunction. We don’t want to feel the pain, so we externalize.

A mindful gap allows you to cool down. It gives you space to consider another perspective. It provides time for insight to arise. It can help you stop repeating the same negative cycle once again.

When you refrain from speaking and acting and instead remain like a log in Shatideva’s words, you can stay present with the energy of the emotion. When you drop the storyline and remain in the moment, an emotion will let go and move on naturally. 

Science has verified this. In her book My Stroke of Insight, neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor says an emotion takes about 90 seconds from the moment it is triggered until it dissolves.

But you must have the courage to stop feeding the storyline and remain like a log to make this work.

The Best Times to Take a Mindful Gap

According to Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön, there are three different places during an emotional reaction when you can refrain or take a mindful gap.

• At the ember stage, there can be a subtle response to an emotional trigger. This is the pre-verbal stage before the storyline develops. Most people are unable to catch themselves at this point. However, it becomes easier for people who meditate and come to know their mind's tendencies.

• The next place you can intervene is after the storyline has started, but before it becomes incredibly intense.

• You can also refrain once the emotion has turned into a full-blown fire. Many people don’t notice an emotion until it reaches this stage. Interrupting an intense feeling and a strong storyline can be challenging, but it’s still possible.

Once you’ve practiced this for a while, catching your response and letting go gradually becomes more effortless. You might laugh kindly at yourself when you notice the same response peeping up again.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to catch your emotions before they fling you into a downward spiral?

3 Techniques to Help You Take a Mindful Gap

What should you do when you take a mindful gap? 

The main point is to feel your feelings. Doing so might feel uncomfortable initially. But it’s the only way to heal the pattern. However, it might be best done in small doses at first.

Of course, use caution if you’re a trauma survivor or experience other mental health issues. Check with your therapist first before using these techniques. You don’t want to trigger a flare.

Each time you refrain from repeating the pattern, it loses some of its power. With time and repetition, the pattern will dissolve. 

Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche offers these three techniques to help you take a mindful gap:

1. Tune into your physical body with a sense of curiosity rather than judgment. How does the emotional reaction affect your body?

2. Heighten your sense perceptions. Listen to the sounds around you. Look around the room. This is like the practice of orienting recommended by trauma experts to calm stress or trauma responses.

3. Take a deep breath, thoroughly filling your lungs. Then, let the breath out with a relaxing “ah.”

Each of these methods can interrupt the momentum of your emotional reaction, which sometimes seems to go at the speed of light.

Apply the Practice with Self-Kindness

It might seem like emotions control you. And in a sense, they do. But most people can learn to tame troublesome emotions.

As strange as it might sound, you can learn to interrupt disruptive emotional patterns by emulating a log. Just like a log remains still, almost immovable, you too can pause when you notice your emotional response is out of control.

As Shantideva advises, don’t speak, don’t act. Feel your emotions and let them dissolve themselves.

Counteracting strong emotional patterns is not easy. It takes time and practice. Apply refraining as best you can, but don’t have unrealistic expectations.

You’ll probably trip up many more times before you create the habit of taking a mindful gap. Be kind to yourself when an emotion catches you. But keep with the practice, and in time, you’ll be able to remain just like a log.

I highly recommend this article on the “pause practice” complementing the abovementioned techniques.

Sources:

• Turn Your World Around, Three Steps for Emotional Transformation course with Pema Chödrön

• Emotional Rescue, How to Work with Your Emotions to Transform Hurt and Confusion into Energy That Empowers You by Dzogchen Ponlop

Thank you for your presence; I know your time is precious! Don’t forget to sign up for Wild Arisingstack.com, my twice-monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

You might also like to check out my  Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always.  With love, Sandra

An arm’s length list of daily must-do rituals, however, can send you into a stressful spin. It’s just too much, isn’t it?

I’ve comfortably settled into three daily routines that add calm to my life. Three is the right number for me.

They’re not unusual or unique. I don’t skydive off my roof every morning. 

But once you know why they work for me, you might be tempted to experiment with the tried and true—even if these practices have failed you in the past. 

If my ritual feels like too much. That’s okay. I have some easier options for you.

Ready?

Journaling

I’ve journaled off and on my entire life. When I moved to Hawaii a decade ago, I threw away an entire box of journals. Blasphemous, I know! I was in a “be here now” phase.

Nevertheless, journaling remained a part of my life. And last year, I achieved the unexpected goal of journaling almost every single day.

I attempted daily journaling the previous year but ended up inconsistent. However, something clicked for me last year. 

I used a page-a-day format. I didn’t fill an entire page every day, but the structure encouraged me to be consistent.

Here are three ways that regular journaling keeps me calm.

• It requires a quiet gap in my day when I pay attention to my inner world. The entire day may have been hectic. But now I have ten or fifteen minutes to myself, which naturally inspires calm.

• It gives me a space where I can examine my emotional responses. That helps me unwind self-defeating behaviors.

• It helps me celebrate my accomplishments, signs of personal growth, and progress in self-care. That makes me smile and brings a sense of inner contentment.

Journaling calms and grounds me. But I’m not an anomaly. According to research on the mental health benefits of journaling, the practice can calm anxiety, reduce obsessive thinking, and regulate emotions. What a win!

I no longer use a page-a-day format. I journal in an A5 grid notebook with fountain pen-friendly paper. Using different colors of fountain pen ink adds to my joy. 

I sometimes fill half a page, other times a full page, and on occasion, I’ve reached almost two.

Easy Ways to Journal

If that sounds like too much for you, try out one of these easy ways to journal.

• Journal one line per day. You can use an official one-line per day journal or just scribble your one line in any notebook.

• Write in a five-year journal. A five-year journal allows for one or two lines per day. The same day for each year is listed on one page. You can easily see what happened on the same day last year or the year before.

• Use a small journal. If an A-5 journal feels like too much for you, use a smaller size. I’ve seen people happily journal in the smaller A6-size and even a pocket-size notebook.

Journaling doesn’t need to be an overwhelming proposition that stresses you out. On the contrary, it can be a calming and centering activity. 

It can be as simple as journaling one line a day.

“What a comfort is this journal. I tell myself to myself and throw the burden on my book and feel relieved.” — Anne Lister

Mindfulness Meditation

I meditate every day for 20–60 minutes and have done so for years.

The real purpose of meditation isn’t a static state of peace. But calm is one of the best side effects of the practice.

• I naturally feel spacious when I meditate. There’s more space between me and my thoughts and emotions. I don’t get hooked by every thought that passes through my mind or every emotion that arises in my heart.

• When I experience a stressful event, I can meditate and watch the tension melt away in a matter of minutes.

• I feel more equanimity in daily life because meditation has lowered my reactivity threshold.

You won’t see these kinds of results on your first day of meditation. Learning to meditate takes time. Remembering to relax in meditation can take a while too.

But many new meditators start to see positive results in a few weeks and more benefits unfold as the months go by.

To learn the practice, I suggest taking an in-depth bonafide mindfulness course like the ones offered by:

• UMass Memorial Health Center for Mindfulness or the UCLA Mindfulness Research Center

• A Buddhist Center in your city. Styles vary from Zen to Korean to Tibetan Buddhist

• A 10-day Vipassana Retreat is another way to learn mindfulness

These are not sponsored links. They’re just programs I’ve come to know and appreciate for their effectiveness.

Easy Ways to Start Mindfulness Meditation

If you can’t manage an in-depth course, an easy way to start meditation is through the use of a mindfulness app like the popular Insight Timer or Headspace. 

Insight Time is free and offers an upgrade to Member Plus. Headspace offers a free trial and then charges monthly.

As a former mindfulness teacher, I don’t recommend the use of an app and its guided meditations on a long-term basis. Ultimately, mindfulness should be between you and your mind without a third party present. 

But apps can be a great way to start mindfulness meditation.

“Sitting in meditation is nourishment for your spirit and nourishment for your body, as well.”—Thich Nhat Hanh

List-Making

When I was younger, I touted my memory as perfect. I was only fooling myself. In reality, I favored perpetual motion and didn’t have the patience to sit down to make a list. My life felt chaotic as a result.

In contrast, my co-worker Paula has a neat desk and a tidy pile of current file folders organized by color codes. I envied her.

I haven’t become obsessive like Paula. But, I use lists regularly to prevent stress and nurture calm.

• I write a daily to-do list in my planner, where I keep all my appointments and notes I take on the go as well

• I keep a pad next to the fridge on which I jot down needed groceries as soon as they pop into my mind.

• Before an important call, I make a list of key points. 

• Before a trip to town, I make a list of where I’ll go and what I’ll get at each destination. 

• Before a doctor’s important, I write down my questions and what I want to convey to my physician.

Lists keep me calm. I don’t waste time or money making double trips for items that slipped my mind. I don’t finish a call or leave an appointment frustrated because I forget to convey my most important message.

If you’re a flow person, maybe you don’t need or want lists. But if your life feels chaotic, like mine did, maybe you do.

Easy Ways to Make Lists

I keep most of my lists in my planner which has yearly, monthly, weekly, and daily pages.

If that feels like too much for you, here are some easy ways to employ lists:

• Keep a small notepad in every room of the house. Jot things down as they come to mind. Collect them once a day for review and action.

• List just your top three priorities for the day instead of an endless and overwhelming checklist

• Use a virtual voice assistant like Alexa that will respond to your questions and commands. You can tell it to wake you up at a specific time, set a timer, or remind you of an appointment that day.

List-making has transformed my life from chaos to calm.

“The challenge is not to manage time, but to manage ourselves.”—Stephen Covey

Concluding Thoughts

When I was younger, I wore stress as a status symbol. I thought it was cool to overwork and attempt to outperform everyone else.

After decades of a high-stress lifestyle, I burned out. In my case, chronic stress did indeed lead to chronic illness. I’ve never fully recovered.

Now, I know the human body isn’t designed to withstand constant stress. So I prioritize daily rituals that keep me calm.

If your life feels overwhelming, I hope reading this will plant a seed. Because you deserve time for daily rituals that nourish your spirit and calm your nervous system.

Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious!  Don’t forget to  sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

You might also like to check out my  Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always.  With love, Sandra

But if you’re an older woman subject to a gray divorce, meaning a split after 50, chances are you took home economics in high school, not woodworking.

While I didn’t excel at home economics, I surely did not have a penchant for the manual, mechanical, or electrical at any time in my life.

My ex-husband took care of all our practical matters from taxes to renovations to computer problems.

But after my 25-year marriage came to an unexpected end, I suddenly had to take care of everything. 

I had no experience, training, or appetite for this new role. I had a brain that filed all boring, mundane, or hands-on work in a black hole unless it became an unavoidable emergency. 

But I had no choice. Things broke. I had to take care of them. 

Gradually, very gradually, with one small victory and then another, I realized I could learn to do almost anything. And if I couldn’t do it myself, I could get the knowledge I needed to hire the right person for the job. 

With each success, I felt a little more accomplished, a little more empowered.

My ceiling issues illustrate how I stumbled along, picked things up as I went, and the life lessons I learned along the way. You might find a useful tip or two in the story of my ceiling repairs.

Lesson 1: Be Gentle with Yourself

Ceiling cracks loomed over me for a few years.

I discovered the first crack while relaxing on the couch, talking to my older sister on FaceTime. I glanced up and almost went into shock. How could this happen in my relatively new home?

I didn’t know what to do. Who repairs ceiling cracks? How do you find the person? How do you know who to trust?

I pondered these questions for several days that extended into weeks and then slipped into months.

I finally got up the courage to call the contractor who built my home. The one-year home warranty no longer applied. But surely he would come to the aid of helpless little me, right?

It took three calls to get a callback. He promised to come by and take a look. But he never showed. It wasn’t the first time and I knew I couldn’t depend upon him.

But honestly, I wanted him to rescue me and fix it all like a substitute husband. Then I could go back to my princess existence. But no such luck.

What now? I had no clue. Homes were being thrown up in my housing division at breakneck speed. Even if I could figure out who to call, I felt certain all skilled workers were booked out to infinity.

I took the logical next step: procrastination.

Lesson: I have a strong inner critic. However, I decided not to judge myself and my tendency to procrastinate when I felt uncertain or overwhelmed. I already felt emotionally torn apart by my divorce. I didn’t need my inner critic beating me up at the same time. 

Lesson 2: See Problems As Opportunities

It wasn’t just a single crack. When I looked from the other direction, I saw another crack along the adjacent tape where the two sides of the vaulted living room ceiling met. I also found smaller cracks in the bedroom ceilings.

You may not know it, but newly constructed houses settle. Ceiling cracks can result as they do. Or the workers who taped your drywall went too fast and didn’t use enough mud.

An online search is often my first line of attack when a problem occurs. 

I’ve learned what causes ceiling cracks, how to unclog a drain with natural ingredients, how to replace the battery in my car key fob, and more online. You can learn almost anything on the Internet.

Guys aren’t born with fix-it DNA. Society expects them to take up the handyman role. So most do. They learn through experience. Just like them, you can learn too. 

Lesson: I began to see each problem as an opportunity to build my knowledge base via the Internet. Once I knew how to tackle a problem, it was easy the second time around. As my knowledge base expanded, I grew more confident. 

After the failure with my contractor, I felt lost again. But one day, I realized the contractor building the house across the street was a friend of a friend. 

It’s not easy for me to ask for help. But now, I could at least say, I know so and so. I put on my big girl pants and marched across the street to talk to him.

I asked him to look at my ceiling and he did! He promised to email me a list of people who specialize in taping. But no email appeared in my inbox. After a week, I sent a gentle reminder. I received the list within a few days. Persistence pays!

Lesson: Most people want to assist you if the ask isn’t too big. I learned to encourage myself, move through my resistance, and ask for help. 

Lesson 3: Drop Preconceptions

I didn’t pick up the phone the next day and dial the numbers on the list. But eventually, I did. I received a call back in less than 24 hours and an appointment for an estimate the very next day.

I worried the repairs would be in the thousands. But thankfully it was under four digits. I liked the vibe of this tradesman too—quiet, kind, and thoughtful. He completed the job in two days.

He told me that building-related work can be inconsistent for union workers. They often pick up work on the side to fill the gaps.

Lesson: I had many preconceived notions about the project. I thought it would be expensive. I thought it would be difficult. I thought all tradespeople would be too busy to take on a small job. My preconceptions fed my procrastination. I learned to check my preconceptions at the door and find out the real facts of the matter. And as it turns out, the things I put off usually end up far easier than I imagined.

Lesson 4: Reach Out to Experts

Paint came next. The person who did the taping repairs arranged a painter for me at a reasonable price. But I needed to get the paint.

Easy-peasy, I thought since I knew the brand. But when I called the company’s free customer care line, I realized it wouldn’t be as simple as I imagined.

Will the ceiling need to be primed? Will one coat be sufficient? Which grade of paint will be best for my ceiling? How many cans will I need?

I talked to the customer care team no less than three times. They were kind, patient, and knowledgeable.

I knew my bid likely did not cover two coats of paint, but the areas that had been repaired would need to be primed. I wanted a solution that would mean less work for the painter.

After talking to customer care, I chose a higher, one-coat grade of paint specifically for ceilings. It’s white without undertones making it neither warm nor cool—perfect. It’s not a bright white and it’s similar to the original white used on the ceiling—perfect. It will cover the light grey portions of the ceiling with one coat too—perfect.

It’s hard to get this depth of information from the clerks in the paint department of a big box hardware store. By taking the time to reach out to experts, I believe I made a good paint choice, one that will avert poor coverage or misunderstandings with the painter.

Lesson: Reaching out to experts has saved me time, money, and mistakes. It expands my knowledge base as well.

Concluding Thoughts

After a gray divorce, you’ll suddenly be responsible for everything when it comes to your life and your domicile. It can feel overwhelming, intimidating, and impossible if you have little experience.

The lessons I learned from repairing the cracks in my ceiling prove relevant to everything from taxes to repairs to new purchases. 

They include:

• Be gentle with yourself. This is new territory. Self-encouragement works and feels better than an inner critic who never shuts up.

• See each problem as an opportunity to build your expertise. Doing so helps to minimize the resistance. And each victory—however small—builds your confidence.

• Ask for help. Most people want to help if the ask isn’t too big.

• Reach out to experts. It can save you time and energy, and help you avert mistakes.

Have I fallen in love with managing my domicile and my life? Not at all. The princess in me would rather read, write, or meditate.

But I’ve learned I’m not half bad at practical tasks once I set my mind to getting them done. 

If you’re in a similar situation, I want to cheer you on. You can do this too! And once my ceiling is painted next weekend, I’m sure I’ll look like the woman in the image above—all smiles and gazing up in wonder and awe.

[Photo by Polina Tankilevitch on Pexels]

Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious!  Don’t forget to  sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

You might also like to check out my  Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always.  With love, Sandra

But you know about the danger of troublesome emotions already—don’t you?

• Anger riles you up. It can make your heart beat faster, contract your muscles, and turn your face red.

• Envy makes you feel less than someone else—minuscule, unimportant, and unaccomplished.

• Desire can cause you to covet continuously—the latest electronic device, the perfect lipstick color, the pound-adding piece of scrumptious cake— yet leave you unfulfilled, wanting more.

Disturbing emotions cause you to suffer. But still, it’s hard to separate from them, isn’t it?

I’ve been a long-suffering person myself. I know the magnetic attraction of disturbing emotions well. At times, I’ve ruminated over a single emotional episode for days, weeks, even months.

But having studied Buddhism for many years, I also know there’s a way out of this unnecessary, self-made suffering. 

If you want to suffer less, see emotions for what they are—nothing more than passing mental phenomena. Stop investing in the cause of your own suffering.

But you might wonder, “How do you do that?”

The 5 Destructive Emotions

In can see impossible to free ourselves from the vortex of emotional responses. So we stay stuck in our own storylines, repeating them again and again and further escalating uncomfortable emotions.

But the key to our own happiness depends on learning to let go of disturbing emotions. How can we stop doing this to ourselves?

The first step involves accepting the destructive nature of afflictive emotions—truly understanding how harmful they are. Next, decide to become conscious of your own emotional tendencies. 

Cultivate emotional awareness without self-judgment, which would only stir up more disturbing emotions. Replace self-judgment with curiosity. You want to get to know your difficult emotions not suppress them.

To help us out with this monumental task, Buddhism has identified five destructive emotions, which are also known as the “five poisons” because they destroy our happiness. The word for destructive emotions in the Tibetan language is “kleshas.” Kleshas can also be translated as negative emotions, disturbing emotions, or afflictive emotions.

These are the five destruction emotions in Buddhism:

1. Passion (craving, desire)

2. Aggression (hatred)

3. Ignorance (indifference, dullness, sloth)

4. Jealousy 

5. Pride

Greed is sometimes added as a sixth destructive emotion, but it can also be subsumed under passion. Twenty subsidiarydestructive emotions have been identified as well.

According to Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön, fear, the most primal of emotions, functions as a pre-cursor to all other destruction emotions. Fear occurs as soon as we split off from our spiritual nature. It functions like a doorway to all other afflictive emotions.

Once we know the poisonous nature of destructive emotions, you’d think we’d avoid them like the plague.

But that’s not easy to do, is it? Buddhism has an explanation for that too.

The Sticky Nature of Disturbing Emotions

Emotions naturally arise in our mind based on our individual propensities—the emotional habits we’ve reinforced year after year after year. If we don’t fee them, they’ll pass.

These arisings only become destructive when attachment, called “shenpa” in Tibetan, occurs and leads to harmful thoughts, words, and actions.

But attachment is the default mode in most of our minds, isn’t it?

Attachment, in the Buddhist context, means your desire for things to go a certain way—your way. Destructive emotions typically arise when things don’t go your way.

• You lose your job and feel angry.

• Your partner raises an eyebrow and you feel misunderstood.

• Your colleague wins a promotion and you feel jealous.

Shenpa occurs constantly throughout the day as we relate to almost all that occurs, even the smallest of things, as pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral.

• The floor is cold as you step out of bed — unpleasant

• Your eggs are perfectly cooked—pleasant

• A stranger bicycles past your home—neutral

That tiny experience of cold, indicating foul weather, can put you in a bad mood for an entire day. Your perfect eggs today can make you feel dissatisfied when they’re not up to par the next day.

Pema Chödrön describes attachment as “sticky.” It’s the glue that binds you to a destruction emotion and makes it difficult to shake off. Shenpa is the charge you feel when an emotion has caught you in a destructive cycle. Chödron calls this entanglement “getting hooked.”

You feel shenpa in your body. It might work you into a frenzy or cause you to withdraw. The response feels automatic and involuntary.

And remember, shenpa and its companion klesa occur in response to a trigger when the moment seems to take an unwanted direction.

Understanding the sticky nature of shenpa can help you be gentle with yourself when caught in an emotional vortex. Harshness towards yourself will only take you further into the vortex. 

If it was easy to change emotional patterns, the world would be a peaceful place—no more wars, exploitation, or injustice.

Even though it’s difficult to unglue yourself from an emotional pattern, it’s possible through self-awareness, regular practice, and the determination to choose a new response.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” –Victor Frankl

Get to Know Your Emotions

There are many different Buddhist methods for working with destructive emotions. For example, Pema Chödrön teaches refraining, reframing, and resting, which I’ll share one day.

But the very first step is to get to know your emotional patterns. Here are three ways to do that.

Notice your initial response

In Buddhism, it’s said that we have an initial and often subtle response to whatever occurs in our environment. This is called “feeling” or “sensation” in the framework of the 5 Skandas, mental factors that give rise to attachment.

When exposed to an object, a feeling or sensation occurs instantaneously before our reaction becomes a full-blown destructive emotion.

It’s the initial feeling of pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral at a gut level. For example, imagine seeing a person you don’t know for the first time. Most people have an immediate sense of pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral.

Mini-Practice: As you go about your day, practice noting your response to whatever occurs—whether it’s people or situations. Label it as pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. Don’t judge your response. Just note it.

This initial feeling or sensation can quickly snowball into a klesha. Learning to note your response can help you get to know your emotional patterns and with practice, keep the initial response from escalating into an intense klesa.

Notice the storyline

Disturbing emotions occur due to our attachment (shenpa)—our desire for things to be a particular way. The emotion and the shenpa weld together and become one. We fuel the distressing emotion and all the attachment with the story we tell ourselves.

We all do this! I’m sure you’ll recognize this tendency in yourself!

Let’s say your partner is twenty minutes late. As you sit, tapping your fingers on the table, your mind is flooded with thoughts like:

• He’s always late.

• He doesn’t respect me.

• He’s having an affair.

You keep adding to the story with more and more thoughts. Then the minute he steps over the threshold, you explode and dump your storyline on him. This leads to an intense argument. You end up not speaking for days.

Take a moment to think of a time when you created a storyline around a particular disturbing emotion? How did that turn out?

Mini-Practice: To de-escalate a disturbing emotion, you have to cut the storyline that fuels it. Notice when you’re fueling an emotion with a story. Try to drop the storyline.

Track your sticky emotional responses

This year, as suggested by Pema Chödrön, I decided to track my sticky emotional reactions in a small notebook. 

I note my reactions and the ones that especially hooked me in the daily section of the notebook. I’ll write a sentence or two about each one. 

In the monthly calendar section, I write a short list of the disturbing emotions in the block for that day. 

This is a great way to see your emotional patterns. Impatience is one that appears more than once in my calendar section!

Mini-Practice: Keep a small notebook of your emotional reactions. Notice the emotional patterns that emerge.

Whichever practice you choose to do, remember, don’t judge yourself. We’re simply recognizing emotions as they arise, so we can make the best choices going forward.

In Conclusion

Our happiness depends to a great degree on our emotional patterns. Disturbing emotions, defined by Buddhism as craving, aggression, ignorance, jealousy, and pride, destroy our happiness.

Destructive emotions are mixed with attachment—a desire for things to be the way we want them to be. This attachment, called “shenpa” in Buddhism contains a stickiness, making it difficult to let go of negative emotions. Then we fuel the emotion by creating a storyline about what has occurred, making it all the more intractable.

But we can unravel a storyline, dissolve a destructive emotion, and let go of the attachment that binds us to it by using the practices outlined above.

Ready to begin?

[Photo by Nathan Cowley on Pexels]

Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious!  Don’t forget to  sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

You might also like to check out my  Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always.  With love, Sandra

In those frightening moments, I wish there was someone here to comfort me, tell me what to do, and dismiss my fears.

I’ve always been subject to fear at night. As a child, when I laid my head on the pillow, I feared the man under the bed or the one in the closet. Feeling alone with those concerns, it naturally took time to get to sleep.

As a young adult, I suffered an assault in the middle of the night. Now I had a good reason to fear the dark morning hours. It took decades to heal that fear to the extent I could live alone. 

But I still have nightmares from time to time that bolt me upright.

As I’ve aged, my night fears have taken yet another form too.

• When I wake up and feel a pain in my head, I wonder, “Is it a stroke?”

• When I wake up and feel tension in my back, I wonder, “Is it a heart attack?” 

• When I wake up and feel my fingers tingling, I wonder, “Is this the end?”

In one sense, I’m more at peace with death than ever before. 

But my body and the trauma history embedded in my being does not agree, especially not in the middle of the night.

And so, fear infiltrates my restful sleep now and then, jarring me wide awake. 

Those moments of fear activate all the previous trauma lying dormant in my subconscious mind and living within the borders of every single cell. 

So I find myself semi-frozen, the pace of my heart quickened, and wild thoughts flying around my head.

What do I do when this happens? How do I calm my nervous system?

Over the years, I’ve learned many different ways to return an agitated nervous system to calm—some from trauma experts, some from meditation teachers, and some that I’ve stumbled upon on my own.

I won’t pretend it’s easy to settle a raging nervous system. It isn’t for me. And I don’t believe anyone who says you can calm your nervous system “instantly.”

In fact, I often need to use several different techniques in succession, allowing one to build upon another, until I finally relax back into sleep. 

Here’s a play-by-play of how I managed a recent intense night terror. Whatever your fears, stressors, or triggers, whatever your age, these methods might be helpful to you too.

Intentional Breathing 

Slowing the breath is my go-to response. We’re told a million times over to “just breathe.” So it makes sense breathing comes immediately to my mind.

But I’ve never found slow breathing to be enough on its own to soothe my own highly agitated nervous system. It’s a helpful first step, however.

And it might work perfectly for you, even on its own.

According to the experts, intentional respiration counters shallow breathing, which typically occurs during the stress response. 

One of the easiest approaches is belly breathing, also known as abdominal breathing or diaphragmatic breathing. 

I like this breathing technique because it’s easy to remember when fear has temporarily dimmed my brain’s cognitive capacity. 

This is how it’s done:

• Put one hand on your chest and the other on your belly.

• When you inhale, expand your stomach into your hand. This will help deepen and slow your breath.

• When you exhale, slowly expel air through your mouth while constricting your belly.

I no longer need to use my hands. I just feel the expansion and contraction. 

Grounding

I learned this technique during a week-long training on building resilience conducted by the Trauma Resource Institute. It helps to balance your nervous system so it can help whether you have trauma, fear, or stress.

Grounding means allowing your body to make direct contact with the ground or whatever is providing support to your body. When you ground, you return to and at least for a while, remain in the present moment. This can especially help if your mind tends to gone off into fearful scenarios.

This is how I ground when in bed in the middle of the night. 

• I feel my body making contact with my mattress. I notice the sensation of my back against the soft surface of the mattress, then the back of my thighs, and then the back of my legs. 

• I notice any pleasant or neutral sensations in my body. If I’m aware of unpleasant sensations, like my heart pounding or my muscles constricting, I shift my attention to a place in my body that feels pleasant or neutral.

You can use the same technique when sitting in a chair by feeling your back and buttocks against its seat. And of course, you can ground by feeling the sensations of your feet as they meet the floor.

Holding My Fingers

If I’m still agitated, I also use a Jin Shin Jyutsu® technique that involves holding each finger in sequence.

Jin Shin Jyutsu® is an ancient Japanese art that involves lightly placing the fingertips on different points of the body to unblock the flow of subtle energy. 

This practice has been validated by a number of scientific studies. For example, a March 2021 study found that Jin Shin Jyutsu® self-help reduced nurses’ stress.

In the Jin Shin Jyutsu® system, each finger is associated with an emotion as well as a corresponding function and organ system within the body, as follows:

I start by wrapping my opposite hand around my thumb, until I feel a pulse—one to two minutes. If a strong pulse is already present, I hold the finger until the pulse calms. 

Then I move on to the next finger until all five are complete. The process takes about ten minutes.

If you feel extremely worried or fearful, you could hold just the finger for that emotion until you feel a calming effect.

I also use this Jin Shin Jyutsu® technique during the day, when I need a short break and want to relax. It’s a wonderful way to calm and rebalance the body.

Expanding My Focus

We tend to contract when we feel an unwanted and intense emotion like fear. Suddenly, the focus of our mind narrows, consumed by the sensations and thoughts associated with the emotion.

I learned this very simple technique for giving an emotion more space from the popular meditation teacher Pema Chödrön. 

I expand my awareness so that it’s surrounded by a vast sky. The sense of unlimited space I now feel dwarfs the emotion. 

You can indeed expand your focus at will with a little practice.

Just imagine the difference between tight concentration on a task immediately in front of you and looking at a sunset. You have the capacity to do both, but it might take practice to learn to expand your awareness whenever you wish.

This tiny method brings me so much peace. But I usually use it in combination with the preceding methods.

Extending My Heart to Others

Once I’ve given the emotion a universe of space, it’s easier to remember that my intense physical and emotional response is quite insignificant in the larger scope of things.

In that fearful moment, I’m not actually dying. No one has assaulted me. For me, the arousal of intense fear is simply a deeply embedded trauma response. For someone else, it might just be a natural response to a nightmare or a scary sound in the night.

So I shift my focus away from my own concerns. Instead, I think of the many people in the world who are suffering brutalities due to war, hunger, sex trafficking and other inhumane acts. 

I make prayers for the end to their suffering and all the suffering in this world. I also appreciate how fortunate I am to have a home and all the basic necessities.

This is about when I gently fall back asleep. With my sense of safety restored, I feel calmer, less self-obsessed, and more grateful.

Concluding Thoughts

It’s okay to be afraid.

We all have different paths and propensities in this life. Some people contend with anger, others with jealousy, and others with greed.

Emotions will always arise. But we don’t have to let them rule our behavior and cause harm in the process—to ourselves and others. We can use techniques like the ones I’ve shared to calm and transform our emotions.

You can use one of the methods or all of them in succession. Experiment and find what works for you.

This is not an overnight fix. It takes time and patience to catch a difficult emotion before it catches you. But I know from my personal experience, we can succeed when we put our mind and heart into it.

I wish you relief from whatever emotion troubles you.

And by the way, I really don’t want a knight in shining armor to rescue me. I’m doing just fine on my own.

[Photo by RDNE Stock project]

Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious!  Don’t forget to  sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

You might also like to check out my  Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always.  With love, Sandra

I feel uplifted when I reduce excess and reorganize what remains for optimum access, aesthetics, and productivity.

According to Web, MD, decluttering has mental health benefits. It can decrease stress, increase productivity, and improve self-esteem.

Need inspiration to kickstart your own year-end reset?

If so, let’s go!

Year-End Reset Process

My reset process in the physical realm involves the following steps with slight variations depending upon the space:

1. Empty all items onto a cleared area. For example, in the bedroom empty all closet items onto the bed. In the kitchen, empty all items from the cabinets onto the kitchen counter. Use this approach and you won’t miss anything. You’ll also be able to see what you currently have in context.

2. Once you have a pile gathered from a particular space, go through each item and ask the relevant questions I list below. This will help you decide whether to keep the item or let it go. 

3. Sort your items into three piles: keep, not sure, donate/trash.

4. When the first round is complete, go through the “not sure” pile and make a final determination for each item. Place it in the keep or donate/trash pile.

5. Clean the empty area. For example, if it’s a closet, wipe down the shelves and sweep or vacuum the floor.

6. Replace the “keep” items in their home space. Organize by category when possible. If you have trouble with strict organization, that’s okay. Just use baskets or containers and dump like items together like all the underwear, protein bars, or medicines. Use clear containers if you prefer to see everything and opaque containers if you prefer visual simplicity.

If the thought of attacking every single area feels too much, reset one area in December and commit to resetting one new area per month starting in January of the new year.

Or just do as much as you can. A partial reset will feel better than no reset at all. 

And just think of the extra time you’ll have when you’re not frantically going through clutter to find one immediately needed item.

Year-End Reset Questions

The reset questions will vary slightly from room to room. Choose from the following as appropriate:

• Do I really need this?

• Does it still fit?

• Is it in good shape? Look for holes, tears, or stains.

• Does it bring me joy? From Marie Kondo, the Japanese expert on how to declutter and organize.

• Is it past the expiration date? For food, medicines, and the like.

• Is it a duplicate? Do I need two?

• Have I used it in the past year?

Add your own questions to the list.

An Example: My Home Office

I’ll use my home office as an example since I’ve completed it last weekend.I’m still a paper person, but you can apply these ideas to your digital filing and organizing systems too. 

Filing System

Paper clutter is a big challenge for me. I haven’t found the perfect system paper system yet. 

At least this year-end reset purged a large trash bag of unnecessary paper. And as I purged and re-organized, I also re-visioned my paper filing systems.

Fortunately, my archive files were relatively organized. But they were housed in a mis-matched set of file boxes, some without tops, that weren’t easy to access. I purchased four stackable black file boxes.

I removed all the files from the previous boxes one at a time. Placed them on my empty desk and sorted through what will stay and what will go.

I filled the remaining files by category in different boxes:

• All my tax returns, records, and back-up receipts

• All my accordion files, which contain my major financial records, one for each year back to 2017.

• The financial records for a complicated property sale

• My current files, which includes my accordion file of major financial records for the present year and other relevant files like health insurance booklets.

• Notes from my personal study projects. 

They all live in my office closet. The box with current files is placed on its own, on top of a small set of storage drawers, for easy access. The others are stacked on top of each other, with the rarely (if ever) needed information in the bottom file box.

I also had two stacked in-boxes with an accumulation of papers I never looked —like articles that caught my interest but never revisited or receipts I thought I would deal with later.

I dumped the contents of both trays on my desk and sorted through for what should stay and what could be trashed. Then I filed the items I still needed or wanted in one of my archive boxes or my current files box.

Those in-boxes have never worked for me so I decided to give them away.

I also have a desk-organizer with three trays and an area for a few stand-up files next to my desk. It’s where I dump my mail and house my “need to be filed” papers. It had been neglected and needed to be cleared with the sort, file, or trash method.

Bookshelves

I have a set of two three-tier bookshelves for my physical books and coloring supplies. I color for relaxation and stress relief.

I only have a small number of books, but I took them off the bookshelf and placed them all on the desk. After sorting, about 15 remained. I’ll donate the other five to the Little Free Library on my street. 

The other shelves hold my coloring supplies. I’ve already pared down my coloring books. I decided to give away one set of pencils this time around.

I had wandering pencils and various supplies like erasers and sharpeners in random places. I re-homed the pencils to their sets and organized the miscellaneous supplies in two small boxes by category.

Using the same method, I also went through two more sets of storage drawers that house office supplies, less frequently used coloring supplies, my sewing kit and the like.

I felt so good at the end of that day! I can start the new year without an accumulation of unnecessary paper and no longer used stuff.

Year-End Digital Reset Checklist

You can use questions like the ones above to renew your digital devices too. 

I sometimes reset informally. For example, I might delete photos on my phone while waiting in line. But I also dedicate focused sessions, 30–60 minutes in length, to update and purge.

Here’s my digital reset checklist:

Update and Backup

• Update systems and programs on all devices

• Conduct backups

• Review and reorganize folder organization

• Clear desktop and home screens and re-organize remaining files or apps

Delete irrelevant and out-of-date data:

• Files

• E-mails

• Newsletter unsubscribe

• Contacts

• Text messages

• Phone Messages

• Photos

• Videos

• Social media friends and follows

• Cache

• Bookmarks

• Passwords

What did I miss? Add it to the list.

Concluding Thoughts

You’ll feel so much lighter if you conduct a year-end reset. On top of that, you’ll no longer waste time and energy looking for hidden bills or an important digital file that got lost in the chaos.

I know it can feel like a big job if you’ve let things build-up like me.

But you don’t have to do it all. Start with your most critical area and complete it in December. Then commit to one new area per week or per month in the new year.

Your reward could be decreased stress, improved productivity, and better self-esteem.

Who can say no to that?

[Photo by Arina Krasnikova on Pexels]

Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious!  Don’t forget to  sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

You might also like to check out my  Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always.  With love, Sandra

This can be a useful question at any point in your life. 

It can guide your life choices in your 20s and 30’s. It can influence the path you take when you reach a crossroads in your 40s or 50s. It can lead to better health, less stress, and more meaning if you ask the question in your 60s or 70s.

I’m 72. Why am I asking myself this question now? 

I see older people in my world falling apart left and right—physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Partly, it’s due to aging. But partly, it’s due to the consequences of bad lifestyle habits and stuck mental and emotional patterns.

My own habits haven’t been the worst. But they also haven’t been the best.

It’s time to clean up my act. I believe the conscious decisions I make today can have a positive influence on my remaining years.

As a result, I’ve made three promises to my even older self. I hope you’ll feel inspired to follow suit if you haven’t done so already.

Here are my three promises.

I promise to take better care of my health.

I tend to operate on wishful thinking. I image my future will be perfectly pleasant despite my less desirable tendencies. 

But bad habits tend to catch up with people as they age. This can manifest as decreased energy, mobility issues, or depression—to name just a few possible outcomes.

If I don’t stop my bad habits now, when will I? These are changes I’m making to keep this promise to myself.

Diet

I recently entered into the pre-diabetes range. I have a genetic pre-disposition for type 2 diabetes. But I know that diet and lifestyle factors also play a role on whether or not you develop the disease.

Pre-diabetes can be turned around in most people and diabetes can be reversed in some people. I reversed pre-diabetes in my 30s so I trust I can do so again.

I don’t eat fast food and I probably eat more vegetables than the average person. But I finally decided to get real about my addiction to sweets and starchy foods. My organic choices don’t magically reduce the number of calories or impact on insulin and glucose.

So I started a low-carb diet a month ago. I’ve lost 6 pounds to date. I’ll have my pre-diabetes measures tested again in 3 months. I bet you I’ll be happy with the result.

Hydration

I’d been drinking one or two glasses of water each day. I knew I should drink more, but I didn’t feel so inclined.

That might be due to the fact that thirst diminishes with age, according to the National Council on Aging. Seniors also have less water in their bodies in comparison to younger adults. Thus, older folks are more likely to become dehydrated.

I was probably mildly dehydrated already. Then I started a low carb diet, which can bring on dehydration and the loss of electrolytes. I’d wake up in the middle of the night with signs of dryness and a headache.

I now drink three 18-ounce thermoses of water each day. That meets the amount recommended by the National Council on Aging:

“As a general rule, you should take one-third of your body weight and drink that number of ounces in fluids. For example, if you weigh 150 pounds, aim to drink 50 ounces of water each day.”

However, the Council recommends speaking to your doctor about your specific hydration needs. Certain medications flush out water and some medical conditions make people more prone to dehydration. 

As a result, you may need more water than the general rule.

Exercise

This is the hard one for me. I don’t like to exercise—never have and probably never will.

I’ve done best when I’ve participated in group exercise. I did Tai Chi for three times a week for three years. I did Yoga for three months when it was offered nearby in my neighborhood.

But I didn’t keep up these good habits.

But I walk about 2,000 steps a day on average—mostly due to the fact I have to open the door to let my cats in and out at least a million times a day. On occasion, I get up to 5,000 steps.

But that’s far less than the research recommendations for my age group:

“People older than 60 show the most benefit between 6,000 and 8,000 steps.”

I don’t have an answer for this one year. It will probably be a mix of yard work and walking to start with. I also have a set of three-pounds weights that call to me now and then.

I promise to stop pushing myself.

I’m retired. Naturally, I do less now than when I worked full-time. 

But I have less capacity as well. This is likely due to a mix of factors. I have a health condition called Hereditary Alpha Tryptasemia, I’m a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and I’m aging.

Still, I tend to push myself to do more.

• I can barely write 2-3 articles a week. But I dream of doing a 30-day writing challenge. 

• I can’t leave it at a light housecleaning. I’m compelled to get into every nook and cranny, which takes hours and depletes me.

• I take obsessively detailed notes when I listen to talks on my topics of interest. I stop and rewind many times to get the precise wording. The joy of listening and learning turns into physical and mental fatigue.

I’ve improved a bit over the years. But my inner driver hasn’t fully given up her demands.

Some steps I’ll take to thwart her in a loving way:

Breaks

The ability to hyper-focus is one of my super powers. But research shows inactivity is a risk factor for a number of adverse health conditions, including:

• Metabolic syndrome

• Impaired fasting glucose

• Type 2 diabetes

• Heart disease

I don’t want to go in any of those directions, right?

To counteract, my natural pull to hyper-focus and push through while engaged in sedentary activities, I’ll integrate more breaks into my day.

According to a study at Columbia University:

“…adults who sit for one or two hours at a time without moving have a higher risk of early death than their peers who are sitting for just as long but are still getting up for even short bouts of movement.”

The study recommends getting up every 30 minutes.

In the spirit of habit stacking, connecting two or habits together for better results, I’ll drink water each time I get up.

Vacations

I haven’t taken a vacation in a very long time. I find it hard to stop for any length of time that involves successive days.

But I’m planning one for this month. It will be a stay-cation and it probably won’t be easy to refrain from my urge to produce. But whatever I can manage will be better than not vacationing at all.

Smarter Scheduling

I get easily overwhelmed and burn out when I schedule and attend several appointments in one week. 

Going forward, I’ll only schedule one major appointment in a given week. If I must schedule two, I’ll aim to schedule them a day apart.

I have a long history of pushing myself. It’s the way I’ve proven my worth and gained appreciation and approval. 

But now I know I’m fine as I am. It will be stretch to break this habit, but I know the time is now.

I promise to deepen spiritually.

I’m already a spiritually committed person. I meditate daily. I read, watch, and listen to spiritual inspiration. I try to be kind to others.

But as each year goes by, I realize the fragility of this life more and more. This body is more like a hotel than a permanent home. It’s only a transitory stopping point on the path of the spirit.

It’s time to identify less with this particular body and this particular mind and to connect more with my spiritual essence. I can only do that by letting go of acquiring more knowledge and cultivating more present moment awareness both in meditation and in daily life.

It’s time to identify less with this particular body and this particular mind and to connect more with my spiritual essence.

I also plan to track my negative emotional and mental reactions at least in the coming year. 

A spiritual person embodies peace, love, compassion and wisdom. It’s our own habitual patterns of anger, jealousy, fear, self-doubt and so on that hold us back from acting in more compassionate and spiritual ways.

Tracking my emotional patterns will make them more conscious. It will allow me to catch myself fall into them and cause harm to myself or another person. It will help me heal the wounds that created those patterns in the first place.

Spirituality is more than transcendent experiences. It also means being a good person in everyday life.

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”― Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

What kind of quality of life do you want for yourself in your later years? What promises can you make to yourself now that will lead to better outcomes when you’re older? If you’re already a golden-ager, what promises might improve your years to come?

Joining me in stepping up in honor of your even older self.

[Photo by Mikhail Nilov on Pexels]

Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious!  Don’t forget to  sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

You might also like to check out my  Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always.  With love, Sandra

You see Kabat-Zinn’s definition almost everywhere. It’s plastered across social media in countless memes. It’s quoted in an endless number of articles on modern-day mindfulness. It’s difficult to miss if you’re interested in mindfulness.

It is:

“Mindfulness is awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally.”—Jon Kabat-Zinn

Kabat-Zinn sometimes adds, “…in the service of self-understanding and wisdom.”

I admire Kabat-Zinn. He spearheaded the modern mindfulness movement through his world-renown Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program, which first opened its doors in 1979.

Kabat-Zinn’s MBSR teachings have helped thousands of people manage stress, cope with pain, and improve focus and productivity. I’ve taken his MBSR course more than once myself.

Kabat-Zinn’s definition of mindfulness works just fine in a modern-day context. But is it the same as the Buddhist definition of mindfulness?

Let’s investigate.

Remembering in Mindfulness Meditation

The Pali word “sati” is universally translated as “mindfulness” across all Buddhist traditions. The primary connotation of sati is to remember, to recollect, to call to mind.

My first Buddhist teacher told his students, “Remember to remember to remember.”

You can find this meaning of sati as early as the Buddha’s teachings in the Satipatthana Sutta, known in English as The Discourse on the Foundations of Mindfulness. The same explanation has been taught by later Buddhist scholars such as Vasubhandu, Asanga, and Tsongkhapa.

As you can see, there’s no mention of the present moment or non-judgement either—not that they’re irrelevant in mindfulness practice.

In the context of mindfulness meditation, what is it that we remember? What is it that we recollect?

1. You recollect the instruction and the method or you wouldn’t be able to practice mindfulness at all. And you may practice it in correctly. In this case, you’re recalling something you learned in the past.

2. You remember the object of your practice. In the first stage of mindfulness you typically focus on an object like the breath, a physical form like a statue or a flower, or a sense experience like hearing the sounds that arise around you. You lightly place your attention on the selected object. But you have to remember to keep it there, don’t you? This is present-centered mindfulness.

3. You recollect what to do if your mind becomes agitated or dull and you lose your mindfulness. This entails remembering what to do in the future.

Strictly speaking, in a Buddhist context, mindfulness can involve the past, the present, and the future.

Mindfulness and Remembering in Everyday Life

Mindfulness isn’t limited to meditation. In fact, we practice mindfulness meditation so we can be more mindful in every moment.

While taking my calcium this morning, I realized how uncomfortable it would be if I were to mindlessly swallow the small plastic tube contained in the bottle, presumably for freshness. It’s about the same size as the calcium capsules, making it a scary possibility.

It would be easy to do, wouldn’t it? 

When we’re lost in thought, we sometimes don’t see what’s right in front of us—the small plastic tube in the vitamin bottle, the freeway exit, or a critical instruction on the paper in our hand.

Aside from possibly saving you from choking, mindfulness can assist you in another critical way. It can help you educe negative thoughts and emotions and increase positive ones, thus leading to a happier life.

The Indo-Greek King Menander I (Milinda in Pali), who ruled a large ancient kingdom from 160 to 130 BCE, asked the enlightened Buddhist monk Nagasena, “What is mindfulness?”

Nagasena replied:

“Mindfulness when it arises it calls to mind wholesome and unwholesome tendencies with faults and faultless, inferior and refined, dark and pure, gathered with their counterparts.”

Nagasena’s definition of mindfulness intimately connects the practice with happiness and suffering, which results from acting upon wholesome or unwholesome tendencies.

When you get caught in anger, jealous, or envy, you’re likely to feel unhappy, right? When you focus on peace, kindness, and compassion, you’re likely to feel happier, right?

The regular practice of mindfulness creates more space in your mind, In that space, you can more easily discern between thoughts, words, and actions that bring benefit and ones that bring harm. With this clarity of mind, you can make wiser choices.

Simply said, a mindful person is aware of the consequences of their action. They resist knee-jerk reactions based in attachment or aversion. They consistently choose to engage in beneficial behaviors.

That’s a simple formula for happiness.

The Buddhist definition of mindfulness automatically includes a caring attitude (Skt. “apramada”).

Mindfulness requires a mix of several different mental factors. The primary ones include mindfulness (the ability to remember to stay present to the object of your attention), alertness, and a caring attitude. 

The caring attitude protects the mind from straying into the negative and keeps it on a positive track. That’s what you want, isn’t it?

Concluding Thoughts

The definition of mindfulness differs between modern-day mindfulness and Buddhism. But it’s not a matter of one being right and the other being wrong. 

The popular definition of mindfulness originated with Jon Kabat-Zinn and his Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction program, introduced in 1979. It can serve you well if you’re engaged in mindfulness practice for practical reasons—like less stress, less pain, or less anxiety.

The Buddhist definition of mindfulness adds the connotation of remembering, recollecting, and calling to mind. In this context, mindfulness also encompasses a caring attitude, which can make the difference between your behaviors resulting in happiness or suffering.

What do you think? Does it help to have the expanded Buddhist definition of mindfulness or are you satisfied with the popular one?

Sources:

• Mindfulness: The Mental Factors Involved by Dr. Alexander Berzin

• The Way of Shamatha Retreat, Session 6 with Buddhist scholar Alan Wallace

[Photo by Nataliya Vaitkevich on Pexels]

Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious!  Don’t forget to  sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

You might also like to check out my  Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always.  With love, Sandra

Everything can turn bright due to one choice. Everything can turn dark due to another. Other choices lead to the gray, neutral zone.

Can we ever know the right direction to take?

Let’s look at a few pivotal choices made in The Crown and how fateful they turned out to be. Then let’s explore better choice-making in our own lives.

Scenario One

Charles married Diana even though he was in love with another woman. He sad he didn’t have a choice. The norms set forth by the British Monarchy and the Church of England at the time did not allow him to wed the woman he loved. 

If Charles had never proposed marriage to Diana, perhaps she would have met the perfect “frog” (a term she used for an ordinary man) and lived a happier life. Or maybe she would have chosen a single life and been equally as happy.

Scenario Two

If Diana had trusted her intuition the day before her marriage to Prince Charles and run the other way, she may never have become a celebrity. She may never have been subject to the crazed paparazzi, who pushed her toward an untimely death.

Scenario Three

If Mohamed Al-Fayed hadn’t pressured his son Dodi to romance Diana, due to his own obsession with personal acceptance in the West, perhaps Dodi would have married his fiancé, model Kelly Fisher. The two might have led an entirely different life together in Malibu, California.

Each choice proved to be intricately entwined with a particular fate. For Diane and Dodi, it turned out to be a deadly one.

Diana spent part of her summer during her last year with Dodi on his father’s yacht floating in sparkling waters near Saint-Tropez, France. She admittedly enjoyed her time with Dodi. 

But in a moment of clarity, Diane realized this was not who she was or where she wanted to be. She had been lured by excitement, thrills, and drama once again due to her childhood emotional wounds.

Diana concludes, “I don’t know how I got here.” 

Have you ever asked yourself that very same question? It can seem like invisible forces move us from one life destination to the next and then to another.

What are these invisible forces? How can we make them conscious and thus make better, more conscious choices?

Let’s take a look at a few life-determining influences.

Conditioning

We’re all conditioned as children by our parents who teach us the rules of life as they understand them. This conditioning takes place through a system of rewards and punishment. 

We come to understand what will evoke a “good girl” or a “bad girl” from our parents and adapt accordingly. We internalize the rules and attempt to follow them precisely.

As we grow up, societal conditioning kicks in too. Television underscores what’s good and what’s bad. It shows us what a desirable life looks like and all the material possessions that go along with it.

Even if you rebel against your parents’ rules or societal norms, you may simply be counter-conditioned. Although you live by a different set of guidelines, have you consciously chosen them?

You can continue acting out of your conditioning—most people do.

But if you want to make better choices, decide instead to examine your conditioning. Consciously choose what you want to embrace and what you want to discard from your past brainwashing.

Action Step: List out the conditioned beliefs that operate your life. If you’re not sure at first, consider what you think you “should” do or “must” do as a starting point. You could also add whatever causes you embarrassment or shame and anything else comes to mine. Then reconsider if you want your life run by those rules

“That is why we need a great deal of courage to challenge our own beliefs. Because even if we know we didn’t choose all these beliefs, it is also true that we agreed to all of them. The agreement is so strong that even if we understand the concept of it not being true, we feel the blame, the guilt, and the shame that occur if we go against these rules.”— from The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

Emotional Wounds

When a child feels consistently wounded by a parent, they often develop survival strategies to cope. They might withdraw, turn clingy, or become aggressive. 

Many people bring these childhood survival strategies into adult life along with a particular—a lack of self worth, an overestimation of one’s abilities, or anything in-between.

Left unresolved, these emotional wounds govern one’s life.

Like Diana, I just wanted to be loved and accepted. That led to risky behavior as a young adult when I engaged in serial sexual encounters in my search for love.

In time, I realized I needed to focus inwardly and learn to love, encourage, and appreciate myself. 

It’s almost impossible to make the best choices when dominated by your childhood wounds. People tend to play the same dysfunctional pattern on repeat. But as you heal your wounds, you’ll find you make better and better choices.

Action Step: Journal about your childhood. What hurt you the most? What made you angry? How did you react? Did these events leave emotional scars? How do these wounds direct your beliefs about yourself as an adult? How do they govern your life as an adult? If you find this too painful to do on your own, consider seeing a therapist.

Values

The willingness to see your conditioned responses and acknowledge your emotional wounds is the first step towards healing. Slowly, you can wipe the slate clean of past influences and get to know the real you.

What is it that you truly value? Once you know your values, your choices can become values-based rather than conditioned.

What are your personal values? Let this tiny list get you thinking:

• Authenticity

• Curiosity

• Kindness

• Justice

• Social Connection

Clarity about your values helps you stay aligned to your true self rather than your conditioned self. This enables you to make choices that will more likely lead to happiness rather than suffering.

Action Step: Do an online search for a list of personal values. Write down any that resonate for you. Now whittle that list down to your top 3–5 choices. Journal about each of your top values. How have you lived up to it? Have you sometimes failed to live up to it? Write down specific examples. Explore them in depth. Keep your values list in a visible place and use it as a framework for making important decisions in the future.

Self-Awareness

We all have some degree of self-awareness. We know when we feel angry or sad, hungry or thirsty. But to make better choices, we need to deepen and expand our self-awareness. 

Ideally, self-awareness will include thoughtful analysis, intuition, and listening to your body.

You can develop greater self-awareness through daily journaling or self-reflection. When it comes to important decisions, instead of acting impulsively, ask questions like:

• Is this what I really want to do? Or is this what someone else wants me to do?

• Is there an emotional wound driving this decision?

• How will this decision impact my life now? 

• How will this decision impact my life in the future?

• What does my heart say? 

• What does my gut say?

Learning to be more self-aware is a practice that takes time. But you’ll develop more confidence as you go and grow.

Action Step: Start growing your self-awareness with the small choices you face every day. Where do you want to eat? What do you want to wear? What kind of flowers do you want to plant in the garden? Check out your mind, your heart, and your gut in relation to these small choices. Gradually, you’ll be able to make bigger decisions from your true self rather than your conditioned or wounded self.

Learning to Let Go

Sometimes the universe makes decisions for us. But often we resist this unwanted or unexpected change when it occurs.

For example, when Dodi romanced Diana he cheated on his fiancé, Kelly Fisher. Fisher hired feminist attorney Gloria Allred and sued Dodi for breach of contract. She dropped the lawsuit after the fatal crash that killed Dodi on the spot and hours later, Diana.

Who knows what would have happened if Dodi and Kelly had married. Would Dodi have been a faithful and responsible husband? Or would he have constantly snorted cocaine as his Hollywood productions failed one after the other?

Maybe the affair with Diana, as painful as it probably was for Kelly, showed Dodi’s true character, and in a mysterious way, turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Eventually, Kelly married a pilot she met on a safari. They moved back to South Carolina where they live together to this day.

Learning to let go when the writing is on the wall can be just as important as making better choices. In fact, it is a better choice that will save you loads of unnecessary pain.

Closing Thoughts

The Crown is based in part on historical facts and in part creative imagination. We’ll never know for certain what the individuals said to each other in private. 

But we do know the decisions that were made and how fateful they turned out. That aspect of the series made a profound impact on me. It made me realize how important it is to look at my own choice-making. 

Is my choice-making based on conditioning? Is it based on emotional wounds? Or is it based in a clear mind and a peaceful heart?

While we don’t have complete control over every decision in our life and can never know the outcome for certain, we can learn to make better choices. But doing so depends on taking the time to go beyond our conditioning, heal our habitual wounds, and establish our real values.

And since sometimes, others make decisions that by default decide for us, it’s equally valuable to learn to let go.

Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious!  Don’t forget to  sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

You might also like to check out my  Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always.  With love, Sandra

In the 90s, I reversed my own case of pre-diabetes on a low carb diet in less than six months. At the time, my fasting blood glucose sat at 124—just two points away from the 126 marker for diabetes used by my clinical lab.

I also lost 20 pounds eating low carb.

Once my fasting glucose levels were back in the normal range, I relaxed my carbohydrate restrictions. But generally, I didn’t overindulge in high carbohydrate foods for the next three decades.

But here I am again in the pre-diabetes zone.

After a particular set of intense traumas occurred, one on top of the other, I found emotional comfort in chocolate, ice cream, and the occasional bag of potato chips. I also started to eat bread again after not eating a single slice for decades.

Since I’m genetically predisposed to type 2 diabetes, I naturally slipped into the pre-diabetes zone once again due to those kinds of poor food choices.

What now?

The Realities of Pre-Diabetes

I lingered on the borderline of pre-diabetes far too long. But humans are creatures of habit. That includes me. 

I won’t judge you if you don’t judge me. Deal? But I want to clean up my carb act. And maybe you do too.

When I first slipped back into the pre-diabetes range, I engaged in wishful thinking. I vaguely attempted to cut back on carbs. But three months later, my hemoglobin A1C (a test for blood sugar levels over the previous two-three-month period) had popped up an additional point.

Time to let go of wishful thinking and get serious.

Type 2 diabetes is a serious disease. According to the Mayo Clinic, complications can include heart and blood vessel disease, nerve, kidney, and eye damage, and an increased risk of dementia.

I didn’t want to go near there again.

On an encouraging note, the Mayo Clinic agrees pre-diabetes can be reversed or at least kept in check so you don’t progress to type 2 diabetes if the right choices are made.

“Healthy lifestyle choices can help you bring your blood sugar level back to normal, or at least keep it from rising toward the levels seen in type 2 diabetes.”—The Mayo Clinic

So after my once again elevated hemoglobin A1C, I pulled out a list of books my primary care physician had recommended about a year ago and got to work. 

Her suggestions included:

• The Obesity Code by Dr. Jason Fung

• Complete Guide to Fasting by Dr. Jason Fung and Jimmy Moore

• Keto Clarity by Jimmy Moore and Dr. Eric Westman

I immediately devoured Keto Clarity and set three goals:

• Reduce my hemoglobin A1C and fasting blood glucose numbers back to normal 

• Loose weight

• Reduce the recalcitrant pain in my left knee, which I finally realized may be nerve pain.

Nerve damage can begin in the pre-diabetes phase before the diagnosis of type 2 diabetes. 

Research indicates patients with pre-diabetes and metabolic syndrome are at an increased risk of developing autonomic neuropathy and cryptogenic sensory peripheral neuropathy.

That makes it all the more important to take pre-diabetes seriously, doesn’t it? 

I was curious if my knee pain would abate once I started on a low carb diet.But did I want to do a Keto Diet?

To Keto or Not to Keto?

The Keto Diet (also known as the Ketogenic Diet) gets a bad rap. It’s a low carbohydrate, moderate protein, and high fat diet that includes specific types of fats only. 

We’ve all been trained to think fat is bad. Like most people, I feel hesitant about an increase in animal fats in my diet.

But I learned some interesting facts reading Keto Clarity, written by a man who started his low carb journey at 400 pounds.

• A Ketogenic Diet shifts your body from using glucose as the primary source of fuel to utilizing ketones instead. Ketones are created when the body burns fat. Your body already uses them as an alternative food source when glucose isn’t available.

• The balance of macronutrients in a Ketogenic Diet will vary from person to person because we all have different levels of carbohydrate intolerance. You have to experiment to find the right balance of carbs, protein, and fat for you.

• The basic formula for a Ketogenic Diet involves omitting sugar and starch, limiting protein intake to two to three ounces per meal, and consuming as much dietary fat from specified sources to meet your fatty acid requirements and achieve satiety.

• While some people can achieve ketosis with a 100 gram intake of carbohydrates, that’s unusual. Most people need to restrict carbs to 50 grams or less and those with metabolic syndrome need to remain below 30 grams a day to produce adequate ketones. 

“Ketones are actually the preferred fuel source for the muscles, heart, liver and brain. These vital organs do not handle carbohydrates very well; they become damaged when we consume too many carbs.”—Keto Clarity

The Keto Diet has not been readily accepted by most major medical organizations. But many medical doctors use it successfully to help people reverse pre-diabetes. It has even helped in reversing diabetes in some individuals.

Is the Keto Diet right for me? I plan to discuss it with my primary care physician in the near future.

In the meantime, I’ve reduced my carbs to 50 grams or less per day. What does that look like? For me, it means:

• No fruit

• No starchy vegetables

• No bread, pasta, or processed foods

• Plenty of low carb veggies like bell pepper, broccoli, asparagus, zucchini, leafy greens, Brussels sprouts, celery, cabbage, and so on.

• A small amount of nuts, some are higher in carbs than others.

• Various forms of animal protein

• Generous amounts of specific fats

No fruit? Some people eat low carb fruits like strawberries, blackberries, and raspberries. But I’m not able to eat berries due to my food intolerances.

If you consider the number of grams of carbohydrate in most fruit, you’d think twice about freely snacking on them if you are pre-diabetic. The amount of sugar contained in most fruits is likely to spike your blood sugar too.

For example:

• Apple, medium size: 25 grams of carbohydrate

• Banana, medium size: 27 grams of carbohydrate

• Pineapple, one cup: 22 grams of carbohydrate

Compare that to:

• Broccoli, one cup: 6 grams of carbohydrate

• Zucchini, one cup: 4 grams of carbohydrate

• Kale, one cup: 1 gram of carbohydrate

You’re able to eat a larger quantity of food when you eat low carb veggies, which can help you feel satisfied in combination with appropriate amounts of protein and fat. But most importantly, you’ll be able to stabilize your blood sugar and possibly reduce pre-diabetes.

My First Week on a Low Carb Diet

I just finished by first week on a low carb diet. I lost 2.6 pounds. I don’t know if I’ll be able to sustain that level of weekly weight loss. But even if I lose one pound a week, I’ll be delighted.

My left knee pain disappeared entirely. Maybe this was a coincidence? Maybe not. I’ll never know for sure.

I felt hungry at times. I wasn’t well prepared with appropriate snacks for those moments. But now I’m armed with celery sticks and almond butter. 

I didn’t yearn for high carbohydrate foods or sweet snacks. But I did allow myself to have a mini dark chocolate coconut bar after dinner. That might not be ideal on the long run But hey, it’s only week one!

At some point I’ll add in lifestyle changes that can contribute to the reversal of pre-diabetes. That might include exercises, intermittent fasting, and adequate sleep. But I need to go one step at a time or I might become overwhelmed and give up.

I expect to have my hemoglobin A1C and fasting glucose levels back to normal in three months—at this point, they’re still far closer to normal than to diabetes. 

From there, I’ll continue low carb until I get them to mid range. But realistically, considering my tendency to pre-diabetes, I know I can’t go carb crazy again.

Concluding Thoughts

This isn’t medical advice. And I’m not telling you what you should do. I just want you to know that pre-diabetes is reversible in most people. 

Talk to your doctor, do your own research, and find the right diet approach for you. You might prefer the American Diabetes Association recommended plate that allows you to have one-quarter covered in starchy foods or you might decide to go full blown Keto.

In the end, your blood tests will reveal whether or not your approach reverses Pre-Diabetes. If one approach doesn’t work, you can always shift to another. And don’t forget those lifestyle changes too.

Because we don’t want to get type 2 diabetes, do we?

Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious!  Don’t forget to  sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

You might also like to check out my  Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always.  With love, Sandra

The uncertainty itself can make us feel afraid. It can even push some individuals into Thanatophobia—a fear of death so intense it can trigger panic attacks and interfere with daily functioning.

Although I’ve studied the Buddhist teachings on death and dying extensively, I sometimes still feel nervous about the moment of death and the time leading up to it.

When the fear of death occasionally overtakes me, I turn to insights from the wise. They remind me to see death as an opportunity or a portal rather than as the end.

Here are a few of my favorite passages on the topic of death and dying from Joseph Campbell, the Dalai Lama, and Mark Twain.

Wisdom from Joseph Cambell

Jospeh Campbell is well know for his explorations of comparative mytholody and comparative religion. Have you heard the phrase: “Follow your bliss?” It originated with Campbell. 

Campbell has equally wise advice on how to approach death with a peaceful heart. He says:

“The problem in middle life, when the body has reached its climax of power and begins to decline, is to identify yourself, not with the body, which is falling away, but with the consciousness of which it is a vehicle. This is something I learned from myths. What am I? Am I the bulb that carries the light? Or am I the light of which the bulb is a vehicle?

One of the psychological problems in growing old is the fear of death. People resist the door of death. But this body is a vehicle of consciousness, and if you can identify with the consciousness, you can watch this body go like an old car. There goes the fender, there goes the tire, one thing after another — but it’s predictable. And then, gradually, the whole thing drops off, and consciousness, rejoins consciousness. It is no longer in this particular environment.”—Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth

This body will deteriorate. Drink carrot juice, eat a healthy diet, and take all the best supplements you like. You might (or might not) extend your life a bit. But the physical body will not continue forever.

You can protest each sign of decline. Or you can use each one as a spiritual prompt to ask this most profound of questions, “Who am I?” 

Are you this limited body or is there something more, something else?Campbell has come to his own conclusion after exploring the question. But what’s yours?

It won’t necessarily work to adopt Campbell’s philosophy intellectually. 

Instead sit with and contemplate the question yourself. Gently ask yourself, again and again, “Who am I?” This is the only way to find your own true answer—the only one that can really bring confidence and peace when you face your final moments.

I’m quite certain I’m not this body. Most of the time, this body functions well on its own without my interference. The lungs breathe, the heart beats, and the gut digests food.

As to my mind, thoughts seem to come from nowhere and head in the same direction when they depart. Unless I consciously intervene, emotional reactions seem to happen spontaneously based on years of habitual conditioning.

But who is this “I” that intervenes? Is it a constant self or just a mind-stream with no central player in place?

It might feel scary to ask this question at first. But when you contemplate it deeply, you tune into the mystery of life. This is what will prepare you to calmly meet death when it occurs.

Wisdom from the Dalai Lama

The 14th Dalai Lama has always described himself as a simple Buddhist monk—something I’ve heard him say many times. But years of study, meditation, and contemplation set him apart from an ordinary bloke. His relaxed demeanor and infectious smile have made him a popular figure all around the world.

This is a selection of a short advice he shares on facing death from the “Foreword” to The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying.

“As a Buddhist, I view death as a normal process, a reality that I accept will occur as long as I remain in this earthly existence. Knowing that I cannot escape it, I see no point in worrying about it. I tend to think of death as being like changing your clothes when they are old and worn out, rather than as some final end.”—the 14th Dalai Lama

It’s not easy to let go of worry. I know! But as the Dalai Lama suggests, worry never helps. It only kindles more fear. 

When you catch yourself worrying about death, tell yourself, “Worry never helps.” Switch your mind to a positive thought like, “I’ll be fine.” Or just rest in awareness of the present moment.

Modern science has demonstrated the neuroplasticity of the mind. That means, with consistent effort, our habits of thought can be changed. So most people don’t have to remain in endless worry. 

However, if you do feel stuck in extreme fear about death (or anything else), please seek the help of a therapist.

The Dalai Lama continues:

“Naturally, most of us would like to die a peaceful death, but it is also clear that we cannot hope to die peacefully if our lives have been full of violence, or if our minds have mostly been agitated by emotions like anger, attachment, or fear. So if we wish to die well, we must learn to live well: Hoping for a peaceful death, we must cultivate peace in our mind, and in our way of life.”—the 14th Dalai Lama

Isn’t it encouraging to know there’s s something you can do to increase your odds of meeting death with a peaceful mind and heart? If you live peacefully now, this will be your habit at death as well.

One of the best ways to cultivate a peaceful mind is through the practice of mindfulness meditation. According to scientific research, mindfulness reduces emotional reactivity. Thus, it can reduce emotions like anger, attachment, and fear that might otherwise interfere with a peaceful death.

Mindfulness is not an overnight fix. It takes time and dedication to cultivate mindfulness. But for many people, the benefits of becoming a more mindful person outweigh the effort involved.

Wisdom from Mark Twain

For an entirely secular point of view, let’s look to author Mark Twain, famous for his books The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.

This pithy line attributed to Twain summarizes his wisdom on living and dying well:

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”—Twain

It makes sense, doesn’t it? If you’ve lived a full and meaningful life, you’d feel complete. Not only will you feel ready to go, you may even see death as another adventure.

Sadly, many people instead feel an enormous amount of regret at the end of their life. Bronnie Ware shared the five most common regrets people express on their deathbeds in her best-seller The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing.

They are:

1. “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

2. “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.”

3. “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.”

4. “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”

5. “I wish I had let myself be happier.”

You probably won’t have these regrets if you live the full and meaningful life recommended by Mark Twain. Plus you won’t have the time to worry about death either.

Concluding Thoughts

If you’re afraid of death, I understand. I tend to feel fearful about everything.

Studying the Buddhist teachings on death and dying helped reduce my fears by showing me what to expect. But fear of death still arises from time to time. When it does, I reach for inspiration from some of the most brilliant minds of our time.

They see death as an opportunity, a portal, and perhaps even an adventure. Reading their words calms my fear of death. I hope it helps you in the same way.

Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious!  Don’t forget to  sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

You might also like to check out my  Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always.  With love, Sandra

But realistically, what will your later years look like?

• Will you be able to get around or will you need the assistance of a cane, a walker, or a wheelchair?

• Will you be dragging an oxygen tank behind you just to get a normal dose of breath?

• Will you have forgotten your address, how to add two and two, and the most important people in your life?

We may live longer than our grandparents did, but in those extra years, we’ll likely have more disabilities too.

How long do you really want to live? Have you thought about it?

I have. Around the age of seventy I decided, in a vague sort of way, not to receive treatment should I develop a serious condition. 

My decision was predicated on my desire to avoid invasive procedures and caustic medicines that would likely destroy the quality of my life and exacerbate my suffering all the more.

I didn’t write a treatise on my new resolution. I didn’t detail every possible scenario and what I would do in every single case. And I didn’t tell a single soul.

About a year later, I finally realized the unrelenting red area on my nose might be skin cancer. When a dermatologist eventually deemed the spot pre-cancerous, I didn’t stop to think about my big “no treatment” decision made the previous year. 

I applied two treatment creams to the spots twice a day for a week. It did the trick. When new spots appeared on my left temple a few months later, I thought: “That’s a little too close to the brain.” I quickly got out my tubes of anti-cancer cream again.

This was not cancer, right? It didn’t require an invasive procedure. It made sense to me to treat the spots. 

But where would I draw the line in the future?

Recently, I’ve also wondered, “What about the pain that might come from an undiagnosed consequential illness? Will a doctor even prescribe comfort medicine without a diagnosis or will she want to shoot me off directly into an MRI machine?” 

I also reflected on whether I would even have a choice about my own treatment. I don’t plan to commit suicide or request euthanasia—both illegal in most countries. But some illnesses rip away your control altogether.

For example, my vegan CalTech PhD brother didn’t have a choice when he develop dementia during the COVID-19 era. He did crash his car once before his keys were taken away by his girlfriend. But we’ll never know whether the crash resulted from a brain error or a moment of intentionality.

This question was answered, as best it can be, when I heard about the deaths of two men in their late seventies, who departed a few months apart. 

Both individuals lost their appetite and became as thin as a flag pole many months before the rush to an emergency room. In my estimation, loss of appetite and significant weight loss late in life are likely signs of serious illness.

These strong-willed men didn’t want to be told to eat more. “Leave me alone,” they would say. They also refused to see their physicians for regular medical check-ups. Their wives relented to their stubbornness.

Unsurprisingly, each man was suddenly hospitalized due to the onset of urgent symptoms. Both were diagnosed with cancer a few days later. Both died within a few short weeks of their diagnosis—one at home and the other in the hospital.

Did these obstinate guys refuse medical check-ups because they sensed they were dying? Maybe they didn’t want to endure invasive procedures and torturous treatments at this late stage of their life. Perhaps they silently thought, “Why not go without all the painful procedures and unnecessary fuss?”

Their end-of-life experience showed me that as long as I’m of sound mind, at least to some degree, I may indeed have the choice to refuse treatment.

In a controversial 2014 Atlantic article entitled “Why I Hope to Die at 75” and written at the age of 57, oncologist Ezekiel J. Emanuel lays out his reasons for hoping for a shorter rather than a longer life.

Emanuel says the scientific data indicates a progressive loss of physical functioning as we age. Although we may live longer than our grandparents, we’ll likely have more years with some form of disease.

“As Crimmins puts it, over the last 50 years, health care hasn’t slowed the aging process as much as it’s slowed the dying process.”

Emanuel uses data on strokes and dementia to support his position. The idea of living longer, but more incapacitated doesn’t appeal to him.

Even if we don’t fall prey to these limiting and heart-wrenching conditions, most older adults experience some degree of mental decline and research shows, lose their creativity as well.

I know my early seventies feel far different than my sixties did. I almost had a panic attack when it took me quite a long time to remember the word “sarong” even though one covers my couch. And my left knee has started to ache more often than not.

You might cite opposing examples, like your Aunt Mable who remains sharp-witted at the age of 96. But remember, human capabilities are typically subject to the infamous bell curve. You’ll find brilliant exceptions to the decline rule. Emanuel calls them “outliers.”

But it’s a mistake to assume you’ll be a physically healthy and mentally fit outlier when you’re older no matter how much celery juice you drink or puzzles you solve. Sorry, but the bell curve has it in for you.

Emanuel believes he’ll have lived a rich and complete life by the age of 75. It’s the number he’s chosen to refuse medical treatments of all kinds. He wants his children to remember him as vital rather than frail and mentally compromised—but that’s one aspect of his thinking on the matter.

And unlike me, Emanuel has a detailed plan.

Emanuel didn’t choose the title for his initial article. He won’t commit suicide or request someone else to end his life. In fact, he advocates against these practice. And he won’t necessarily die exactly at 75.

But Emanuel has made a commitment to refuse medical treatment after 75. Unlike my vague decision, he’s spelled out his intentions with precision.

For example, Emanuel says:

“At 75 and beyond, I will need a good reason to even visit the doctor and take any medical test or treatment, no matter how routine and painless. And that good reason is not ‘It will prolong your life.’ I will stop getting any regular preventive tests, screenings, or interventions. I will accept only palliative — not curative — treatments if I am suffering pain or other disability.”

He goes on to flesh out the details, which include in part:

• No colonoscopies after 65

• No heart surgeries or implantable heart devices after 75

• No flu shots or antibiotics after that dividing year

Emanuel says he doesn’t judge others who want to live as long as possible. This is a decision he’s made only for himself. Although he reserves the right to change his mind, he stood by his decision in an interview he gave five years after his initial article.

However, Emanuel favors productivity over slowing down or having fun in your later years. Naturally, this has influenced his no more treatment plan. Emanuel doesn’t consider playful activities you might engage in as an elder like riding motorcycles or hiking constitute a meaningful life. 

I would heartily disagree with him on value of slow living and the health-enhancing importance of play. I also believe connection to be one of the most important gifts we can give one another, whatever our age. 

Surely, life has value apart from productivity.

Does his no treatment after 75 years of age position mean he has no fear of death? In a 2019 interview Emanuel says no:

“I do fear death. But I think I fear being sort of decrepit and falling apart more.”

Emanuel’s refusal of treatment after 75 plan has turned my vague decision into a more confrontational reality. 

But still, Emanuel’s plan makes sense to me. I may in fact skip my 2015 colonoscopy. Do you think I’m crazy? Do you think Emanuel is insane?

Or does this kind of end-of-life approach make sense to you too?

I think we all have a responsibility to think about the end of our life and convey our wishes to those around us. But honestly, I don’t spend hours in rumination about the future.

Once we have a will in place and have considered and expressed our end-of-life wishes, I feel our time is best spent in the present moment—right here, right now. I’ll be doing just that in my remaining years, while also repeating the word “sarong” at least 75 times a day.

Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious!  Don’t forget to  sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

You might also like to check out my  Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always.  With love, Sandra

Luckily, I have a special remedy for this distress. I listen to spiritual teachings. They pull me out of the vortex, quickly return me to calm, and remind me of what’s truly important in life.

But it only works if I bring the right attitude to listening.

Early on in my years-long study of Buddhism, I learned how to avoid the “Three Defects of The Pot.” This classic Buddhist teaching explains how to listen to a spiritual teaching so you gain the most benefit. It can be applied to any inspirational teaching whether it’s from an ancient tradition or a hip modern teacher.

What are the three defects of the pot? What’s the best way to listen to spiritual teachings? Why do you even need this teaching?

Let’s see.

Why You Likely Need This Teaching

This age-old teaching on how to listen may seem old fashioned in our amazing digital times. Indeed, we have the ability to tune in to and out of almost any kind of spiritual teaching in a flash — thanks to the internet and a plethora of devices.

Even many in-person spiritual weekends and longer retreats have turned into online events, where they can be viewed by hundreds more people.

But is this a good thing?

It’s not like the old days in Tibet, for example. A student typically followed one teacher, unless they were instructed to receive teachings from another. And if they were, they might have to drudge through snow for days or even weeks to meet that master.

Even if they followed a single teacher, they had to go through hoops to move from one level to the next and ultimately receive the most advanced teachings.

That made the teachings seem incredibly precious. 

These days:

• You can press “off” the moment you get a tiny bit bored and never return to that particular teaching again.

• You can scroll through a gigantic playlist of spiritual possibilities and choose a little of this and a little of that.

• You can multi-task and listen to a teaching while cooking dinner, running with ear buds in place, or responding to emails. But how much will actually go in?

I’m not suggesting the old way was the right way. Its authoritarian nature can have serious drawbacks, especially when applied in modern times.

But the old way seemed to instill discipline, commitment, and a reverence for the teachings. You might be hard-pressed to find those qualities in a spiritual seeker today. The old system also encouraged you to go deeper with whatever you were studying, beyond the hurdle of momentary boredom.

Learning about the three defects of the pot can help you embrace the teachings with a more disciplined attitude. It can also help you develop more reverence for the teachings, inspiring you to open your mind to their deeper wisdom.

We also need to face the fact our attention spans are on the decline. A 2015 article in Time Magazine titled “You Now Have a Shorter Attention Span than a Goldfish” says:

“The average attention span for the notoriously ill-focused goldfish is nine seconds, but according to a new study from Microsoft Corp., people now generally lose concentration after eight seconds, highlighting the affects of an increasingly digitalized lifestyle on the brain.”

We need to be reminded how to listen precisely because we’re more distracted now.

So, what are the three defects of the pot?

The Three Defects of the Pot

Patrül Rinpoche, a renowned 19th century Tibetan Buddhist master, shared the oral instructions of his own master in The Words of My Perfect Teacher. 

His compilation, entwined with his own experience based on years of spiritual practice, was not an abstract treatise meant for scholars. Rather, it contained down-to-earth advice for anyone wishing to engage in genuine spiritual practice.

In one section of the guidebook, he points out that not everyone has the freedom to listen to or even encounter spiritual teachings. 

You could be caught in the throes of war, working two or three jobs to make ends meet, or so caught up in negative emotions like greed or jealousy that your mind is closed to the positive.

To even encounter spiritual teachings is a privilege. If we have that rare opportunity, Patrül Rinpoche says to listen carefully and avoid the three defects of the pot.

1. The pot turned upside down

You can’t pour anything into an upside down pot, right? 

In the same manner, you must be present and attentive when listening to spiritual teachings. If you’re constantly distracted by this thought or that person, you’re like an upside down pot. You won’t receive much of anything at all.

2. The pot with a hole in it

If you pour liquid into a pot with a hole, nothing remains, right?

If you don’t remember the spiritual teachings you hear, you’re like a pot with a hole. 

You might feel incredibly inspired in the moment. You might be nodding your head to this and to that. You might wonder how you could be so fortunate to hear this extraordinary teaching.

But if you don’t make an effort to remember, whatever you hear just dissolves like skywriting. The teachings won’t help you in daily life simply because you don’t remember them.

3. The pot containing poison

If you pour liquid into a pot with poison, it becomes a harmful substance.

In the same way, if you mix spiritual teachings, which are meant to be beneficial, with selfish or negative attitudes like the desire to become famous, they can become destructive too. They won’t transform your mind into a compassionate force for good when they’re infiltrated by poison.

“When listening to the teachings, you should be like a deer so entranced by the sound of the vina that it does not notice the hidden hunter shooting his poisoned arrow. Put your hands together palm to palm and listen, every pore on your body tingling and your eyes wet with tears, never letting any other thought get in the way.”—Patrül Rinpoche

Closing Thoughts

All spiritual teachings are meant to ease suffering and help us find a more genuine and lasting sense of happiness.

But how can we gain the most from spiritual teachings if we’re in a constant state of distraction and thus are unable to receive them fully?

The classic Buddhist instruction on “The Three Defects of the Pot” warns us to avoid these three behaviors when listening to spiritual teachings:

1. Distraction

2. Allowing what you hear to go in one ear and immediately out the other (not remembering)

3. Mixing beneficial teachings with negative emotions 

This teaching offers a much needed reminder in the age of distraction, intense emotions, and the reality of forgetfulness.

Not to mention, spiritual teachings merit as much attention as a Taylor Swift concert, don’t they?

Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious!  Don’t forget to  sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

You might also like to check out my  Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always.  With love, Sandra