Alyson Schafer

Tickets for Alyson's March 4th Talk In Keswick

2010-02-25T14:10:35-05:00

Come join me for a dynamic talk on my parenting philosophy and discipline methods in dealing with today's "discipline-resistant child" as I present the information in my latest book "Honey, I Wrecked The Kids".

There will be time for a Q & A and book signing too! An informative and entertaining night to help you amp up your parenting. Here are the details:

When: March 4th 2010

Where: St Thomas Aquinas HS ( old homestead Rd at Metro Road) in Keswick

Time: 7pm - 9pm

Tickets: $10 by emailing stafundraiser@live.ca

Why You Shouldn't Say "I'm So Proud of You".

2010-02-25T13:00:00-05:00

Yesterday, at a mom's group I was speaking about "praise" versus "encouragement". Typically, parents agree they want to encourage, NOT praise, but inevitably someone will ask me "can't I say I'm proud of you? What's so wrong with that?"

Parents can't seem to imagine dropping this seemingly vital comment from their repertoire.

Well, today my 14yr old daughter gave me a peek into the child's perspective on this when she said to me "Mom, I am so glad you don't say I'm proud of you". I said "Really? Why is that?" She said "you know how I was trying to get fit and lose some weight? I just told Zoe (her sister) that I lost 2lbs this week and she smiled and said "I'm so proud of you!" and it felt awful. It made me feel like she really does want me to lose weight and be thinner. That she doesn't think I am okay at this weight".

I listened and replied "But I was excited too when you told me about your weight loss. Do you feel I'm judging you too? She answered "No, mom, what you said was totally different. You said you were excited for me and my accomplishments that I worked hard on. You said you were happy that I got what I was going for. I loved hearing that support and belief in me".

I asked Lucy's permission to share her perspective with my parent readers. I hope some of you feel better dropping the "I'm so proud of you" line now too. Gosh, I hope Zoe doesn't feel badly reading this. I know she was not intended to make her sister feel badly. She didn't know the power and message of those words, just like most parents don't.

Frazzled By Motherhood? My 3 picks for books.

2010-02-22T18:15:11-05:00

Today on The Parenting Show I shared three great books for dealing with the dizzying impact of motherhood. Of special note is Dr Ariel Dalfen's book on post partum depression and post partum anxiety ( PPD and PPA).

I also recommended Dr John and Julie Gottman's book: "And Baby Makes Three". The Gottman's offer a great guide for helping your marriage survive the transition from couple to family and dealing with a baby.

Yes, I did include my own title: "Breaking The Good Mom Myth". How could I not?

Mommy, Mommy, I want to be in the Olympics too!

2010-02-15T23:03:20-05:00

Have you been watching the Olympic coverage as a family? Perhaps you have a child who has been bitten by olympic fever. Check out this article on the CTV.ca Olympic site where I was interviewed about how to respond to your child's new Olympian dreams!

Divorced? What Your Children Really Want For Valentine's Day

2010-02-10T09:55:47-05:00

Its coming up to Valentine's Day and lots of articles are being written about ways to show your love. Here is an excerpt from "Helping Children Understand Divorce" by University of Missouri that might give you some ideas about what the children of divorce really want:

What I Need From My Mom and Dad - A Child's List of Wants:

I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please write letters, make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions. When you don't stay involved, I feel like I'm not important and that you don't really love me.
Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty.
I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parents more than the other.
Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don't have to send messages back and forth.
When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don't say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my parent, I feel you are expecting me to take your side.
Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems.

Alyson's "Tell-All" Interview with ParentDish.com

2010-02-08T20:52:18-05:00

Shelley White of ParentDish.com recently interviewed me for her blog. Usually when I am called by a journalist they want to ask me about something topical like how to potty train, or tips on choosing a summer camp.

Weirdly enough, Shelley ask me about my parenting and life as a parent educator. What the!?! If you want a peak at the "tell-all" tale of how I screwed up with the tooth fairy and swimming lessons, check it out here. Oh there was so much more dirt that could have been unloaded. Thanks for taking the hush money Shelley. Phew - PR crisis averted.

"Power Struggles - Who's In Charge Here Anyway?" - Alyson's Feb 25th Talk

2010-02-07T12:54:41-05:00

If you are struggling with eating issues, bedtime or homework resistance, trouble getting out the door, melt downs and blow ups, acting out, belligerence or "attitude" - this talk is for you! I'll help you understand the nature of power struggles and techniques for getting out of them. But I'll make it all funny...

Date: Thursday Feb 25th 2010

Where: Temple Sinai - 210 Wilson Avenue ( 1 1/2 blocks west of Avenue Rd )

Time: 7:30 reception & book signing followed by talk from 8pm - 9:30.

Cost: $15 in advance, $20 at the door

Tickets: Through Marcie Goldberg in the Temple Sinai Education Office at 416-487-3281 or marcie@templesinai.net ( Visa and MasterCard are both accepted.)

How Much Sleep Should They Be Getting By Age?

2010-02-07T12:54:02-05:00

Tomorrow (Feb. 7th) on The Parenting Show, guest co-host Jacqueline Kovacs and I will be talking about sleep issues. You can call with your questions, live at 2pm EST (1-877-222-5310). Since I often get asked "how much sleep should my child should they be getting?" I thought I would post some guidelines by age on my site. Please remember that every child is different. These ranges are the norms after observing large groups of children. Honour your child's unique sleep needs.

newborns: 16 -20 hours a day

3 weeks: 16 - 18 hours

6 weeks: 15 - 16 hours

4 months: 9 - 12 hours, plus two napes ( 2 - 3 hrs each)

6 months: 11 hours, plus two naps (1 1/2 hours - 2 1/2 hrs each)

9 months: 11 - 12 hours, plus two naps ( 1 - 2 hours each)

12 months: 10 - 11 hours, plus two naps (1 - 2 hours each)

18 months: 13 hours plus one or two naps ( 1 -2 hours each)

2yrs: 11 - 12 hours, plus one nap ( 2 hours)

3 yrs: 10 - 11 hours, plus one nap ( 2 hours)

4-5yrs: 10 - 12 hours (usually no nap)

6-9yrs: 10 hours

10 - 12yrs: > 9 hours

Teens: 8 - 9.5 hours

Tickets for Thursday Feb 4th Book Talk with Alyson

2010-02-02T09:48:19-05:00

Watcha doing Thursday night? Sorry for the short notice, but I am giving a talk at North Toronto Early Years Learning Centre and there is enough room for me to extend an invitation to other parents in the community!

Feb 4th - "Honey I Wrecked The Kids" ( Followed by a Q&A)

7 - 9pm

North Toronto Early Years Learning Centre

27 Castlefeild Drive, Toronto

Tickets are $10 in advance / $15 at the door ( a portion of the proceeds will go to Charity)

email early.years@bellnet.ca or call 416-544-0133

Extending The Early Bird Special For Alyson's Bootcamp

2010-01-26T08:46:25-05:00

I have about 5 spaces left in this weekends Parenting Bootcamp. I've extended the early bird rates and if you are a Facebook friend or follow me on twitter, let me know so I can send you an additional 10% discount code when you register. Just come join us. Why wait any longer to start the benefits of parenting with new tools and techniques that are sure to be effective, and promise to develop a caring and co-opertive child. Yes, its the slap chop, sham-wow of parent education or your money refunded! Okay, I gotta stop doing my own marketing.

Sue Johanson's Recommendation For Sex Ed Books

2010-01-25T22:34:43-05:00

How great to have Sue Johanson, Canada's sex guru on The Parenting Show today! Yes, she has as much energy and enthusiasm off camera as she does on. Hard to believe this Order Of Canada recipient is 80 yrs old! (I think I am allowed to tell people that.)

During our discussion about how parents should talk to their kids about sex, she mentioned two great books:

Peter Mayle's Where Did I Come From?

and

Peter Mayle's What's Happening To Me?

Sue has more resources on her website too. I also mentioned two great bookstores for parents for any / all topics: ParentBooks and Caversham book store if you're looking for books on more psychological-type issues.

Happy reading!

The Spanking Debate Continues....

2010-01-20T13:02:42-05:00

Last week, The National Post ran the front page store "A Spanked Child May Be A Better Adult: Study". The article mentions that the research is from Calvin College in Grand Rapids Michigan, but downplays the fact that this is a Christian Fundamentalist educational institution. Its important to know that in their faith, proverbs such as "spare the rod, spoil the child" are interpreted literally, providing justification that the scriptures instructs them to spank their children.

Well, if we're being "literal", I would argue that sheep herders do utilize a staff or rod, but do they ever strike their livestock to inflict pain? NO! The rod is used to tap the back of the sheep; to guide them; to keep then moving in the proper direction. That is why I prefer the word "child guidance" over the word "discipline" because it is less apt to be confused with punishment.

Sadly, it is still legal to spank in this country, although most every institution dedicated to children and the mental health professionals agree its bad. The Repeal 43 Committee is working hard to change section 43 of the criminal code. I hope you take a moment to read their articles and research. I have shared my own thoughts on the"use of appropriate force" too.

Having said all that, I should also share that I read Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman's NutureShock (a great book by the way) and they also shares their dismay at finding some weird spanking research that they didn't want to believe. It seems the spanking research is back in the limelight again. I caution you to read the findings and reporting very carefully.

Alas, I stand firm on my position: its NEVER okay to spank a child. Period. We have other ways of correcting behaviour that are effective with no potential risk and add an element of learning that can be absent from punitive measures.

Why bother with anything else? Can't we find a better use for our research dollars? Oiy.

Registration is Open for Alyson's Winter and Spring Parenting Bootcamps

2010-01-07T17:16:07-05:00

Yes! Registration is now open for the winter and spring sessions of my popular Parenting Bootcamp. These are the last offerings in Toronto until October and each class is limited to 25 people, so sign up soon!

Bootcamp Weekend of January 30 - 31

Bootcamp Weekend of February 20 - 21

Bootcamp Weekend of March 27 - 28

Bootcamp Weekend of April 17 - 18

This is the best investment you can make in your family life. But why listen to me? Here is an except from an email I received from a past attendee:

"I attended your bootcamp this past weekend. I just thought you should know that I cried all the way home after your class ended on Sunday. Not because I was sad or mad but they were tears of joy because I finally have hope."

If you have a moment, I encourage you to watch this video testimonial about the value of this workshop from another class grad couple.

Here are the details if you haven't hear of my Bootcamp before:

Alyson's Parenting Bootcamp is a one weekend intensive parenting seminar designed for parents of children ages 0 - 10years. This is the essential parenting primer and toolkit every parent should have to be effective at raising children who are caring, co-operative and responsible.

Alyson packs a huge amount of both theory and technique in a humorous and engaging way that has excites parents about the wonderful foot up they'll have to raising great kids!

You'll leave feeling confident about your parenting and knowing:

Your parenting style
What to do when your style differs from your spouse
The trouble with using a punishment and reward system of discipline
The difference between obedience and co-operation in children
The basics of your child's personality development and a model for human growth
Understanding WHY children misbehave
Tools to respond and prevent misbehaviour
Positive discipline techniques to replace external control methods
How to be both firm and friendly in establishing routines and boundaries
The benefits and how-to's of holding family meetings

Alyson will show you how to deal with:

Dawdling
Tantrums
Sibling fighting
Nap and bedtimes that stick
Mealtime behaviours including picky eaters, staying at the table, manners
Giving a child responsibility for chores and school work
Many opportunities to ask about your specific issues!

This truly is the best time and money you will every spend on your family.

Included in the price is class notes, buffet lunch, coffee and snacks both days. Why not join us.

Making New Years' Resolutions? How About A Family Report Card for 2010.

2009-12-31T16:55:40-05:00

Happy Holidays! I imagine a lot of you will be making New Year's Resolutions tonight. I was thinking how ambitious and yet ambiguous "have a better family life" is as an actual goal to set. How would you know if you did "better" in 2010 as a family? That's when I remembered some interesting research on healthy families by Curran and Dolores. They discovered that healthy families have 15 similar attributes. Here they are:

15 Traits Shared by Healthy Families

Communicates and listens
Validates and supports each other
Teaches respect for others
Develops trust
Has a healthy sense of humour and has fun
Shares responsibilities
Teaches a sense of right and wrong
Has a strong sens of family with rituals and traditions
Balances the interactions among members
Has a shared religious core (I'll have to write more on my thoughts about this later)
Respects the privacy of each other
Values service to others
Promotes family meal time with conversation
Shares leisure time
Admits to and seeks help with problems

(Curran, Dolores Traits of a Healthy Family, Winston Press, 1983)

If these traits were subjects on a report card, how did you do for each in 2009? If you wanted to improve your grade in each subject area for 2010 what would you need to do? Can you turn those thoughts into concrete, measurable, action steps? What will it look like when you reach your goal?

Hopefully with some imagination and using these 15 traits as starting place, you'll be able to set some really concrete and attainable goals for your family life in the year ahead.

Happy New Year and may you have a joyous year ahead!

Tips For Surviving The Holidays With Kids

2009-11-18T14:16:57-05:00

Yikes, those holiday invitations are starting to pour in and the mall has their decorations up. Like it or not, its time to think about the holidays. I wrote my tips on surviving the holidays with children on my guest blog post for the good folks at Parent Tested Parent Approved. Check it out.

How Do You Handle Homework Struggles? Join My On Line Discussion

2009-11-18T13:57:41-05:00

I hate homework. I think it contributes to the eroding health of our families. One couple in Calgary have taken the homework ban to a new level. The Globe and Mail reports that the two Calgary parents who are lawyers, drew up a legal contract with the school banning their children from homework- for life! This article created such a stir today that the Globe and Mail have asked me to moderate an on line chat with readers tomorrow (November 19th) at noon EST. Catch me here with you comments and questions about the homework battle in your home.

Buy Your Tickets to Alyson's Nov 10th Talk on Discipline (Toronto)

2009-11-01T22:56:48-05:00

Come hear me speak about how to discipline without using either punishment or rewards as coercion tactics. Bring your questions to the Nov 10th talk at Sunnybrook Hospital and I promise to give pragmatic techniques to theory-weary parents who just want to know "what do you do it when ...." the democratic way!

Tickets and details here. Books will be on sale and I'll happily sign following the talk. Hope to see you there! If you can't make it, let your friends know. I only give a few public talks a year I hope you can make it!

Tired of Always Saying "Good Job" ?

2009-11-01T22:38:48-05:00

I teach parents to NOT say "good boy/girl" because its flat out praise, and praise is not good for children. But if we can't say "good boy", what are we gonna say when our child takes his plate from the table and puts it on the counter? How do we acknowledge when they hang their coat up on a hook?

I know! We say an encouraging substitute phrase "good job!"

The trouble is that parents say "good job" about 100 times a day! They say it as much as praising parents say "good girl".

Good Girl : Good Job -- Tomato : Tom-aaaah-to. No difference really.

If all our children hear is "good job" I am pretty sure its not very encouraging anymore. So blah, so generic, and clearly doled out only when the child did something we are judging in someway. Perhaps its becoming a praise statement just with sheer usage and intent.

I suggest if you want to be sure you are responding in encouraging ways, drop the robotic "good job" crap, and instead try to get really descriptive. Be encouraging by sharing with your child what you're noticing, how you appreciate their contributions and how its helpful to others.

Here are some suggestions to give you the idea:

"Thanks for bringing your plate to the counter without being asked, I really appreciate you helping keep our house tidy".

"You put your coat right on the hook! That makes our front foyer look so much tidier doesn't it? Such a help. Thank you"

"You really care about your room, you keep it so tidy and organized its a pleasure to play in here".

When it comes to encouragement, more is better than less. Drop the pre-fab cornball phrases and really get authentic with you children.

3 Speaking Events for Alyson in Washington DC Area

2009-10-25T23:03:20-04:00

Thanks to the wonderful people at P.E.P ( Parent Encouragement Program) I am off to D.C. this week and the town is already talking me up! Check out what's posted in the MomTiniLounge blog about me, my book and my upcoming talks.

If you live in the area, be sure to catch me at one of the following three events:

Wed. Oct 28th - 7:30pm Honey I Wrecked The Kids. - Potomac MD. Tickets and info here

Thur. Oct 29th - 9:30am Power Struggles. - Bethesda MD. Tickets and info her e

Thur. Oct 29th - 7pm Cocktails, Raffles, Book Signing and Q & A period. Daisy Baby Boutique (4924 Del Ray Ave Bethesda MA. This event is a mom's night out and a fundraiser for The non-profit BabyLove DC. 20% off all Daisy Boutique store items. Please RSVP to hold your spot: 301.654.7477 or andrea@shopdaisybaby.com.

Can't Ignore The Sibling Fighting? Put Them In The Same Boat.

2009-10-25T21:13:06-04:00

I recently posted a parenting tip for handling siblings fighting that recommended you walk away and refuse to get involved in the conflict. I know for some of you, the worry is that your children are either too physical, or too young and still need your involvement.

That's fine. If ignoring is not going to be a viable tool for you, then let me offer up another method called: "Putting Them In The Same Boot". This tool ensures that both children involved in the conflict perceive that you are not siding with one over the other. This method makes sure there is no accidental favoritism that can erode the sibling relationship. It honors the fact that in any conflict both parties are able to influence the outcome. Since fighting requires both children to keep the situation hostile and un-resolved, both should experience the same discipline for their disruptive antics regardless of who started it, who had it first, or who owns it. None of that matters! If fighting erupts and doesn't resolve so you feel you must step in try, one of these lines:

"Looks like you two are having trouble being together at the moment, you can both go to your rooms and cool down for 5 minutes."

"I guess I will have to put away the riding truck until you two can figure out how to share it without fighting. When you have plan worked out, come get me and I'll give it back."

"If you can't agree on how to take turns on family computer without fighting, the computer will be turned off for this evening. You can both try again tomorrow."
"I am having a hard time enjoying my dinner when your at each other like this. I'm going to take my plate to the kitchen. Call me when table is peaceful again and I'll come back."

With both children being put in the same boat, they are now interested in getting their brother or sister to be co-operative with them rather than sustaining the conflict. With this new method, they are invested in not upsetting the other. Give it a try and let me know it goes for you. If you've already had success with this method, share your stories! Nothing is more motivating than someone else's success story.