Alyson Schafer

Changes to my E-newsletter - Important Update

2011-10-17T17:46:36-04:00

I am pleased to share that I have my new site up and running. People are loving my new home. I have also made important improvements to my e-newsletter but sadly, due to some glitchy stuff I won't bore you with, I can't move my current subscribers to my new system.

If you would like to continue getting my e-newsletter with tips, links to resources, notices of my upcoming speaking engagements and more, please sign up for the e-newsletter on the home page of my new site www.alysonschafer.com.

Upcoming tips include "Why you shouldn't make your child say sorry" and information on a special exclusive Raffi event.

Thanks for your loyalty and support!

Alyson

Time to Switch To My New WebSite - AlysonSchafer.com

2011-10-03T13:08:22-04:00

Yes! I am so excited to announce that I have a new and improved website. The feedback has been wonderful and I hope you take a moment to check it out at www.alysonschafer.com.

You'll find my parenting tips faster, see my upcoming events easier and discover my videos ( more to come!)

Check it out, let me know what you think and tell all your friends!

Happy Parenting!

Alyson

Alyson Helps With BMO's Kids' Day at The Calgary Stampede

2011-07-19T13:53:32-04:00

Last week I was at the Calgary Stampede for BMO's Kids' Day! What a great event. I had the opportunity to meet and flip pancakes with the entire BMO team including Su McVey, BMO's VP Customer Communications and Marketing. That's right, we served up 25,000 people a free pancake breakfast. Just the logistics of that is mind boggling to me, but BMO's been at this for over 30 years.

After breakfast I had a chance to speak on the big stage and invited the crowd to the BMO's Kid Zone where I spent the balance of my time answering burning parenting questions.

In The Kids' Zone, there was face painting, a meet and greet with the likes of Thomas the Tank and also a huge line up to play BMO's life size board game "Lonnies and Lasso's". Kids had to answer financial questions to move forward. Some questions had the parents stumped! I guess that is why I am so excited to be working with BMO and their SmartSteps for Parents program which (if I haven't talked your ear off enough about this on twitter) is a new online initiative that helps parents learn about how to teach their children money management skills. Yes, it answers the obvious questions like how to set up an allowance, but also the more sublime topics you might not think of, like my post on "No Such Thing As Fair" . Hey, if I can learn to dress like a cowboy, you can certainly learn how to teach your children the difference between needs and wants right? Check it out. Oh, and watch out Calgary, I'll be back next year! Waaay too much fun to miss.

Happy Father's Day. My Short List of What Dads Really Want

2011-06-19T09:40:21-04:00

I want to wish all the dads out there a wonderful Father's Day. Especially my 3 brothers pictured here with me and our late dad, Dick Knight.

As a former nursery school teacher, I know you'll be getting a lot of decorated rock paper weights, ties and t-shirts painted with hand and foot prints or other memorabilia that will warm your hearts and that you'll take to the office for all your associates to appreciate.

Yes, dads today have more than just nice framed family portraits sitting on their credenzas. They have poems and pictures covering their desks and cubical walls. They have kiddie photos as their screen savers, proudly humanizing them and crying out "I am a dad, I adore my kids and I don't care who knows it!"

Fatherhood has changed a lot in the past two decades and yet it doesn't seem to be trending as a topic enough for my liking. Sure, there are some daddy bloggers and some new cool dad book titles on the shelves, but overall: under-represention! I think we need to crack this topic open and give it its' due attention and coverage.

I am thrilled that so many dads take my workshops. In fact, I have had some sessions with more dads enrolled than moms. From conversations with my dad clients, I have compiled an unscientifically researched "wish list" of what dads really want. Chime in dads if you agree or have more to add to the list:

1) Sex. I know, I know.... I am not being sexist. I am being a realist and a therapist. I don't just mean that moms should put out some special nooky on father's day either. I mean, men need carnal activities the way women need conversations and cuddles. Its not "base" or single-mindedness. Its being a man. Women should feel like making love to their man, and if they don't something up. Why not check out why instead of tolerating it? Don't settle for a poor or incompatible sex life. Decide to make it wonderful for you both. Hows that for a father's day gift guys?

2) Provide and Protect - Men can have a different "love language" and would like to be recognized for the work and salaries they do in the name of supporting the family. Often they get slagged for being work-a-holics or for not being around enough for the family. Men feel they are busting a gut FOR their family. Sometimes we forget to acknowledge and appreciate this form of showing love.

(Research does show that if both partners feel a sense of equanimity in the division of labour and the intimacy is good... chances are your marriage will be strong and long).

3) Do It Their Own Way - Dads like being dads and truly want to be involved in the parenting and engage with their children, but they would like to do it their own way, free of judgement and criticism. Children enjoy the personalities and style differences of their parents. They know how each of their parents makes fun and handles life. You don't confuse them when you go about your life authentically. Dads want to be more themselves, doing things their way, and not worrying about being on the same page and "doing it right" or "like mom does".

4) Downtime - Dads know how to do self care. It is not them being lazy. Dads have no guilt hitting the golf course, or watching the game on Sunday afternoon. Moms should watch and learn from their good role modeling instead of be-rating them about it. Pull up a chair and join dad while he relaxes or ask dad to reciprocate in kindness by watching the kids while their partner gets a pedicure or something they enjoy.

How did I do guys? You got more to add? I know... let me guess: Like say it in less words? More bullet points? quicker to the content? Gender difference are interesting and I say vive la difference.

Ways to Say "No" Without Actually Saying It.

2011-05-27T17:57:47-04:00

I am sure some researcher has the exact number of time the average kid hears the word "no" in a day, but suffice it to say, its plenty!*

Kids become immune to hearing "No". Kids start to repeat what they hear when they say "no!" back to us. Oh how quickly our children learn that the person who can say "NO" is the person who holds all the power.

You will find that if you minimize the times you say "no", your child is more likely to be co-operative. Here are some ways to skirt that nasty word and still control the social order of your households:

That's not an option
I am unwilling.....
Say it in a funny way, ie. " Never in a gazillion billion years!"
Sing, "no no no!"
That's not appropriate.
For a younger child - say nothing and use distraction instead
Ask: "What do you think?" "Is this a good choice for you?" (make sure you are willing to abide by his / her answer!)
With a youngster that has something you don't want him to have: "That is not a toy"
Ask "What are your other options?"
"No, but I would be wiling to .... "
I appreciate your asking, however....
"Walls are not for coloring, Here is a peice of paper"
Tell them what to do instead, ie, "water needs to stay in the tub"
"This is not negotiable"

Print this off and stick it on your fridge. We all need some crib notes to get through parenting! These gems come from my colleague and mentor Jane Nelson of Positive Parenting, and she has a vibrant community at www.positivediscipline.com that you should all check out too!

*I understand that UCLA did some research that brought it in at about 400 times a day, but have not found the primary source yet.

Alyson Presents at TEDxKids is Brussels Belgium

2011-05-27T09:04:57-04:00

I'm very excited to be heading off to Brussels next week to present at the TedxKids event. The program looks awesome for the 56 students from 10 different nationalities including Tunsia, Turkey, Sweden and Romania who will be in the kid's program. I'll be speaking to the parents about "Honey, I Wrecked Kids" and discussing the program the children are experiencing with their facilitators. Truly a life altering experiencing for all! Follow me on twitter @alysonschafer as I share what is happening at the event, or follow directly at @TedxKidsEU. There will be live streaming as well. More details to come!

NASAP in Victoria BC

2011-05-21T23:23:15-04:00

Last week I was in beautiful Victoria BC at the historic Empress Hotel for the annual meeting of the North American Society of Adlerian Psychology (NASAP). It was a fantastic conference offering a pre-conference workshop with Dr Dan Siegel. Dr Martin Brokenleg, a first nations counsellor working with youth at risk showed us his circle of courage which he agreed was completely in keeping with Adler's philosophy and Betty Lou Bettner's 4 Crucial C's.

Next, we were entertained and enlightened by the world's best known children's entertainer, Raffi who shared his work at the Centre for Child Honouring which also embraces all our Adlerian principles for children. Friend and mentor Marion Balla of Ottawa Adlerian Counselling and Consulting Centre also presented to the entire group and kindly mentioned my grandparents and their contributions to Adlerian Psychology. Dr Robert Power gave the Ansbacher lecture, the last of his career as he heads to retirement. So glad I was there to hear that, and left with teary eyes.

I had a great time co-presenting on "Raising Boys" with fellow parenting expert Sonia Nicolucci, as well as my own talk on power struggles. I attended the throught provoking poster session on social media and Adler's tenant of "social belonging" presented by my Ain't Misbehavin' editor Liza Finlay and her fellow classmates at the Minnesota Adler Graduate School.

I also had the chance to catch up with Dr Linda Page and congratulated her on the opening of the MA program at the Adler Graduate Professional School coming this September! Okay - that is enough spilling the beans. There was much much more, but why not join us next year in Georgia and discover this special group of people for yourself.

Ain't Misbehavin' - Book Talk at Brownridge Public School Thornhill ON

2011-05-21T22:08:24-04:00

Thanks Brownridge Public School for opening your doors to the public while I give my talk "Ain't Misbehavin" this week. I'll be offering information on why kids behave the way they do, step by step parenting advice, as well as answering questions from the audience. The best part? Its FREE!

Here are the details. Hope you can join me!

Where: Brownridge Public School

65 Brownridge Drive Thornhill

When: Wednesday May 25th 2011

Time: 7pm - 9pm

Still use Stickers? Watch Daniel Pink's RSA Presentation on Motivation.

2011-05-03T13:01:54-04:00

Do you or your child's teacher still use sticker charts? Do you pay kids to make their beds or give them a smiley face on a chart for good behaviour? Its hard to persuad parents on why this is not a good approach, so let me leave it to the master: Daniel Pink and his book "Drive - The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us". Here is a short RSA animated summary that is a must see.

How well do you know your child? Take this Test:

2011-05-02T15:19:49-04:00

How well do you know your child? We all think we do, but lets see how you fare. Either ask yourself these questions, or take the list to the family supper table and use it to create meaningful dinner table discussion with your children.

Who is your best friend?
Who are your enemies?
What is your favorite music?
What is your biggest complaint about this family?
If I could buy you anything in the world, what would be your number one choice?
What is you favorite TV show?
What accomplishment is your proudest?
What was the biggest disappointment of this past year?
What non-school book have you enjoyed recently?
What do you feel too big or too small for your age?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
What gift from me has been most cherished?
Do you prefer to do school work after school? after dinner or in the morning?
Who is your favorite teacher? why?
What person outside the family has influenced you most?
What is your favorite family occassion?
What would be your first choice for a family vacation?
What would be your preferred pet of choice?
What color would you like your room to be?
Who is your hero?
What embarrasses you the most?
What makes you really angry?
What is your nickname at school?
What is your most and least favorite subject
In gym would you rather play a game, do exercises? or run relays?
Do you feel liked by people at school?
What food to most like and most dislike?
Which house chore do you hate most?
What is your favorite sport?
What is your biggest fear?

If you answered 25 - 30 you're a good listener. You and you child communicate well.

If you answered 14 - 24 You seem to quit a bit about your child, but you could benefit by learning to listen more effectively.

Below 14 Time to improve communications and stop talking - start listening.

( This has been adapted from Home Life by Judy Bailey as found in the files of my dad, a fellow parent educator. Sorry I can't find a better source to give proper credit. )

Alyson Speaks On Dealing with Sibling Rivalry: Wednesday May 4th 2011

2011-05-02T14:26:25-04:00

I am excited to be asked to speak on Dealing With Sibling Rivalry, for The Toronto Parents of Multiple Births Association. I will teach effective strategies for dealing with sibling rivalry and tools to bring harmony to your home.

This presentation will discuss the special relationship that siblings have and the underlying dynamics that can fuel the conflicts between them. Parents will learn ways to diminish rather than intensify competition and rivalry, and move towards more harmonious and loving relationships within the family. I'll offer sound advice on issues that parents can immediately apply. You'll leave this talk feeling like an optimistic and empowered parent!

Join us!

When: Wed May 4th

Where: Sick Kids Hospital - Daniels Hollywood Auditorium

Time: 7:30 - 9:30pm

Cost: Tickets are $5 TPOMBA members, non-members $10 by registering here.

Tips for Responding to Sibling Conflict

2011-04-15T18:05:23-04:00

Conflict between siblings is inevitable. In fact, all of life is full of dealings with others who have different priorities, styles, values and methods. So really, conflict is a natural part of life. Conflict is something to learn to manage well rather than something to feel badly about or avoid.

Don't measure your parenting competency by how much your children fight, but rather by how you respond to their fighting. The first step always in my parenting approach is to help parents understand the dynamics that are sustaining a behaviour. Here are some facts about sibs:

1) Fighting is Cooperative. Its takes two to fight. Both play a role in the conflict. Both have the ability to chose behaviours that will either escalate or de-escalate conflict. If they choose escalation its because they agreed to go that direction. (See? And just when you didn't they agreed on anything).

2) Behaviour is Goal-Oriented. Behaviour is movement away from a perceived position of inferiority to a position of security or "felt plus". The usefulness of fighting is usually found in the parents response:

Fighting results in parental attention. Albeit negative, negative attention is still better than no attention at all. Lets face it, children who behave well get ignored, those who act up get parents engaged. Its a no-brainer really.
One child acts in the role of the "victim" and finds a benefit it acting weak and incapable so that they learn by being helpless, a parent will step in and fight their battles and punish their siblings, making them feel they are favored over their sibling.
One child acts in the role of the "aggressor" and may already feel they are treated unfairly in the family. They arrange life to prove their belief that they are treated unfairly. Two kid kerfuffle and yet they are the only one to be sent to their room? "SO UNFAIR! SEE, I TOLD YOU.... YOU HATE ME AND LOVE HER!"

Solutions:

1) Ignore - When your sibs are fighting, don't referee. No matter how "fair and objective" you thnk you are, someone is going to think you are taking sides. Trust me - you can't win this one. Instead, honor that they are the caretakers of their own relationship with each other and leave them to deal with one another. " I don't enjoy being with you two when you are choosing not to get along. Call me when you feel like getting along" LEAVE.... ( Notice in the language I am explaining to them that its their CHOICE to get along or not? That is not conscious to them so its good to spell it out)

2) Put Them In The Same Boat - Just like the expression goes: imagine your two siblings in a canoe both trying to paddle to different shores? Eventually - left on their own with the reality of the situation, they will discover if they co-operate they can paddle to both shores, and without co-operation they can get no where! If you feel ignoring the fighting is not an option, put them in the same boat such that, what ever consequence befalls one, befalls the other:

"Seems the computer is causing conflict. I'm going to turn it off until you two have a plan worked out for sharing it co-operatively"

"Its seems you two are having hard time playing together without hurting each other - you both need to take 5 minutes in our rooms to chill out. Let see if you can play safely again after that"

3) Family Meeting - If one child always acqueisces to another, and it seems unfair to you. Dont' get sucked into fighting for one child's rights. Instead - put the issue you feel is unfair on the family meeting agend and discuss it outside the time of conflict.

You'll be very surprised how co-operative your child become when you step out of your traditional role!

I know its hard to beleive this will work, so here is a testimonial:

I have to say Alyson's advice to do with siblings and fostering sibling harmony have been some of the best tools we have put into practice in our home. And funny enough at first it felt the most un-intuitive to NOT micromanage how our kids were getting along! Our kids are now 5 and 3 and yes of course, they have the odd squabble, but we do our best to stay out~ And they have an amazing ability to reconcile, compromise, share and most of all, are empathetic to each other, all on their own. We see this positive behaviour reflected in how they treat their friends too. It's incredibly rewarding. Thanks Alyson, for all your encouragement along the way and for your very sage advice. We are expecting the arrival of our third child so I am off to re-read the sibling chapters for a refresher!" - Mya Kraft ( Alyson's Parenting Bootcamp alumni from Winnipeg)

"Parenting Mash-up" with Jennifer Kolari and Alyson Schafer

2011-04-15T16:18:33-04:00

Every couple of months Jennifer Kolari of Connected Parenting and I steal away for lunch, catch up on each other's families and share work stories. This last lunch we said "Hey - we should do a presentation together" and so we invented the first ever "Parenting Mash-Up".

Jennifer will be talking about neurobiology, oxytocin and her CALM method then I'll present on Adler's version of attachment, social belonging and the 4 mistaken goals of misbehaviour. Crazy fun and tons and tons of parenting information to take away and apply immediately. Two - Two! Two parenting experts for the price of one!

Here are the details;

Date: Tuesday April 26th 2011

Time: 7pm - 9:30pm

Where: Holland Bloorview 150 Kilgour Ave Toronto

Cost: $30 each or $50 for two

Tickets: Reserve your tickets by emailing info@connectedparenting.com. or calling Evelyn at 416-781-4700

See you there! Pinch me - I love job!

Jennifer Kolari, M.S.W., R.S.W. Child and Family Therapist and Founder of Connected Parenting

Child and Family Therapist Jennifer Kolari is one of the nation’s leading parenting experts and the founder of Connected Parenting. Author of Connected Parenting: How To Raise A Great kid (Penguin Group USA and Penguin Canada, 2009) and You’re Ruining My Life! (But Not Really) Surviving the Teenage Years with Connected Parenting (Penguin Canada, 2011), Kolari is a regular guest on the The Steven and Chris show, and has appeared frequently Canada AM and Breakfast Television. Her advice can be found in many Canadian and U.S. magazines, such as Today’s Parent, Redbook, Parent Magazine, Canadian Family, and Chatelaine. Her entertaining workshops and insightful strategies, shared with warmth and humour, make her a highly sought-after speaker with schools, corportations and agencies throughout North America. Kolari has been helping children, teens and families get connected for twenty years.

She lives in Toronto with her husband and their three children.

Alyson Speaks On Siblings Thursday April 14th 2011

2011-04-13T09:39:46-04:00

Sorry for the last notice, but tickets are still available for my talk on Thursday ( April 14, 2011) which is a fundraiser for Oriole Nursery School.

Topic: Siblings!

I'll be discussing this special relationship, how they formulate each others personality, how to respond and parent in ways that increase harmony, decrease competition and rivalry. I'll offer tools and techniques to respond to conflict, name calling, teasing, tattling and more.

Date: April 14th

Location: Oriole Nursery School ( located in Oriole School's Community Hall at Deer Park Christ Church, The north west corner of Heath and Yonge)

Time: 7:00pm

Tickets: $30 per person $50 a couple

For tickets call Jacqueline 416- 960-1293.

North York Public Library - Free Talk Tuesday on "The Discipline Dilemma"

2011-04-11T18:18:51-04:00

Just a quick note to let you know I am speaking tomorrow night (Tues April 12) at the North York Public Library. I'll have my latest book Ain't Misbehavin' for sale with a book signing to follow. Details here.

Teaching By-Standers to Speak Up To A Bully

2011-04-03T18:17:08-04:00

I had a chance to hear Barbara Coloroso speak about bullying last week. She has so much great stuff to say on the topic, but one point stayed with me that I really wanted to share with others. One of the key strategies to defusing a bully is to get the by-standers to speak up and support the target. After all, few of our children will be bullies or targets - but the vast majority of our children will be by-standers. Will they watch passively? Will they cheer on the bully with their laughter and taunt safely from the side lines? or will they say "NOT COOL DUDE".

If you want your child to speak up as a by-stander, then you have to model that. Ask yourself how you respond when someone at work or a party or a family gathering makes racist comment? a sexist joke or says fag? Do YOU speak up? Or do you laugh uncomfortably? When others tell you "lighten up - its just a joke" do you say "that is not funny and its not okay"?

If we expect our teens to have the intestinal fortitude to say "not cool dude" I think we had better start saying it ourselves.

Alyson's Spring Parenting Bootcamp - April 30 - May 1st

2011-04-03T17:49:50-04:00

This is my last Parenting Bootcamp until the fall so please join me the last weekend of April for a great session that is sure to improve your parenting skills, boost your confidence and give you a great understanding of how to raise terrific children who will be caring and co-operative human beings. Its a transformational weekend! Suitable for parents of children 0-tweens. Its a small group format so you'll get plenty of help for your unique situations.

Full details and on-line registration are here.

Check out these testimonials from past attendees:

"Thanks again Alyson, It has been one day past (the bootcamp) and I have started working on some of the strategies on my kids and I tell you IT IS WORKING. It's a miracle. You are a life saver"

"I wanted to let you know how much my husband and I enjoyed your boot camp. Initially he only went to make me happy (smart guy!), but in the end he was glad that he went. It really helped him to understand what I had read in your books and that will make a huge difference to how we parent as a team, which is often half the battle."

"The time in class just flew by. I felt like I was talking with a friend - a really wise friend. I was really feeling discouraged about how to parent "the middle child" but now I feel so much lighter, like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Even if I don't get it right every time I'm feeling inspired to keep at it. With four kids I know that my change in attitude will only be an asset to all the tools we picked up this weekend."

"I've said it before, but I wish every single parent would learn about the Adlerian approach to parenting. I'm definately going to try and encourage my friends to attend. I learned so much from the November weekend. Our day to day parenting has become so easy. We have fewer issues and when they do arise, problems or possible meltdowns are quickly diffused through consistency and encouragement."

Inspiring right? Why not sign up today. You'll be so glad you did.

Find Alyson's Help at BMO SmartSteps For Parents

2011-03-27T14:58:40-04:00

Growing up, I always had an allowance. In order to get that allowance, my brothers and I had to submit a budget for approval. Here is one of my earliest. 50 cents a "mouth" (sic) for savings. Nice goin' Alyson!

As a parenting expert, I get lots of questions about kids and money:

When should I start allowance?

Should it be tied to chores?

My parents gave my daughter $100 for her birthday. That's too much! Can I force her to put it in savings?

There is a vast amount our children will have to know about saving, spending, budgeting, learning concepts around value, learning altruism, compound interest, online transactions, how to read a bankstatement, how to use a debit card, borrowing with interest, and more. How do you teach it all?

Well, I'm thrilled to announce that all you have to do is follow me over to a newly launched site created by Bank Of Montreal. I am one of the experts working with BMO to create the BMO SmartSteps for Parents site just for parents like you! I will be blogging, answering your questions, helping BMO pick the best activities to help kids learn financial literacy and show you webisodes of how others families are managing these lessons too. Here's a little taste of what we're all about. See you there! www.BMO.com/smartparents

Poetry Slam - An Adult Survivor of Childhood Ritalin Shares A Great Story

2011-03-25T15:34:40-04:00

This is my buddy Ian French (who performs as "IF") who I admire for so many reasons. Many of us forget how hard school and adolescence can be. Ian reminds us how dark those days can be and how far off the rails one's early life can go. Now a father of a teen son himself, Ian is sharing his own story of how he rose above it all. Ian sends a positive message about a better day that parents and youth will be encouraged by. Great contribution Ian!

(Ah - foul language warning - just in case that makes you squeamish.)

Book Launch Party for Ain't Misbehavin' - March 8th 2011

2011-03-01T18:03:53-05:00

I'm having a party. Yup, its time to celebrate the launch of my 3rd book, Ain't Misbehavin' since its been in the top 100 best sellers on Amazon.ca since its release and the early reviews have been so awesome. Come join host Kathy Buckworth as she toast ( or dare I say roasts) my big day! Its like having a sweet sixteen for authors, I swear to god I'm tickled about this!

Here are the details and if you can join me, please do - but RSVP to ekelly@wiley.com. Spaces are limited (sorry) so let her know right away!

What: Alyson's Book Lauch for Ain't Misbehavin'

Who: Host Kathy Buckworth will lead the cheer!

Where: Ben McNally Books 366 Bay Street Toronto, ON

When: 6-8pm Tuesday March 8th 2011

There will be prizes and yes - bring your parenting questions! I'll be doing a Q&A too! There will be a tweet up at the Irish Embassy ( 49 Yonge Street) following the launch. See you there!