amanda in the city

why i'm over project runway

2010-01-27T00:03:00.000-05:00

right now they're just sitting there in my dvr, waiting for me: those first two episodes of the latest season of project runway. how have i let two episodes of one of my favorite shows collect dust before watching them? what could possibly prevent me from hungrily consuming a heidi klum-hosted, tim gunn-filled hour of fashion designing and fun? i will tell you what: i am scared by the last awful season in L.A. why'd you have to do me that way lifetime?

i pride myself with being able to pick the winner on reality shows, but last season's project runway threw me for a loop. the designers were unfashionable and dirty, their creations were ho-hum and the challenges were cheesy. was it lifetime's fault, or L.A.'s influence? or had the long-running series finally lost its draw?

from my reluctance to dive into the latest season, i would say i tend to believe it's the latter. i used to count project runway as one of my "must watch" shows. i even wrote one of my first professional magazine articles about the show! but ... last season was horrible. it just was. i can't get back into it unless this season offers me something incredible, and i'm worried that it just won't be there. i'm waiting for a rainy sunday afternoon, where i curl up on the couch under my snuggie and catch up on two or three saved up episodes of project runway -- and fall in love with it all over again.

could it happen? perhaps. but as i have learned with survivor and american idol and real world and road rules and even (most recently) amazing race, my attention span for reality shows tends to run its course. i'm really not ready to give up on pr yet, so maybe i'll make some time on the next rainy weekend to catch up with heidi, tim, michael kors, nina garcia and the gang. but i'm not rushing to do it, or breathless to watch the latest installment. i'm sorry, lifetime, you've lost a loyal follower. and i don't know how many out there won't be returning -- at all.

first post of the new year, new decade

2010-01-06T00:25:00.027-05:00

today i turn 27. so i'm getting a little sad and nostalgic and introspective. last year, i had all these goals, see, and i'm not sure if i made any progress reaching them. there is one that i'm stuck on:

"reach a point of satisfaction in my career, whether that means finding a new job that fulfills me, launching my own project or website or working freelance"

i think i have "reached a point of satisfaction," or at least one of happiness and contentedness. not just in my career, but in life. and surprisingly, i've reached this point without a boyfriend or permanent gig, no savings to speak of and a couple thou in credit card debt. i feel more adrift than ever, yet the happiest i've been in years. so despite the fact that i feel like i haven't accomplished all that i have wanted to by the time i turned 27, i am surrounded by friendship and love.

if i was to make another list of resolutions for 2010, they would probably look similar to last year's list, so i'm wary of being repetitive. i want to eat healthy, work out, date, find someone to shower me with affection, travel, find a real job, and decide what i want to do when i grow up. i want to never say no to any opportunity. i want to take step out of my comfort zone more often. i want to get a tattoo. i want to drink less. i want to do the avon walk again. i want to become a regular at a neighborhood bar (although that kind of runs counter to my resolution to "drink less"). i want to blog more and start work on the book or five that i have rolling around in my head. i want to pitch more stories and get more freelance work. i want to take more pictures and videos. i want to keep in touch with friends who are far away. i want to sleep more.

i can't take back any of the bad decisions that i made in 2009, but i can learn from them and make better choices in 2010. i plan to put myself first and start to shape my life as an adult. i'm 27. the time has come.

a new direction

2009-11-29T16:14:00.003-05:00

for the past several months, this blog has been parked at amandaernst.com. this move was always supposed to be temporary, until i decided what i wanted to put there next. i have finally decided that, although i love this blog and everything that i've posted on it over the years, i don't want it to be my home page any more. instead, i have started a new amanda in the city, which will continue on in this blog's place. i'm going to use that space to explore the last four years of my life, through old posts from this blog, new experiences and new insights. it will focus on the two biggest things in my life right now (and in every 20-something girls' life): my work -- and working within the media -- and my love life -- stories and lessons learned.

this blog will remain at this address, amandanyc.blogspot.com, and i will hopefully find some time to post those things that have always made up amanda in the city: daily musings and my thoughts on everything from my favorite TV shows to shoes. this blog is and always will be a silly blog and an outlet for all the things i have rolling around in my head. if you're in to that sort of stuff, follow along.

sad state of affairs

2009-09-24T06:48:00.003-04:00

i have lost the will to blog. i blame fishbowlny or, in other words, blogging every day for a living about lots of things that are important according to some people. it has sucked my will to be witty and interesting about things that matter most to me, like shoes and boys and the new television season.

not sure when this sad state of affairs will correct itself. maybe when i get a real job.

the palm reading

2009-08-30T11:16:00.002-04:00

last night sometime around 2 am, motivated by a very bad and emotionally draining week and at least 5 glasses of wine and 3 beers, i stumbled into a tiny psychic shop on 3rd ave. i was all for it, which i never am. i never believe in those things.

my friend anne, a fellow skeptic and very practical lady, came in with me. we were led by a guy we had just met. the psychic did not like his energy and said she wouldn't read his palm. i volunteered mine as he flounced out of the shop.

i'm not sure what i was expecting. maybe just some talk about my lifeline, which is where she began. the whole experience is fuzzy, because of the alcohol and the tears that started to flow uncontrollably from my eyes, but this is what she said, to the best of my memory:

"you are going to live a very long life. you are not going to die from sickness or some sort of incident. but there is something going on in your life. something very significant happened yesterday. and it's the result of something you've been battling for many years. something happened to you four years ago, and everything that has happened to you since then has been a result of that. you have to deal with that. your energy is blocked. it's not your fault, but you have a blockage in your energy. you have to deal with that before you can move on."

of course, she wanted me to pay her $75 to help her unblock me. after a long, intense session, she claimed, she would have a diagnosis about i could clear my chakras. she said god had directed me there that night to learn of my blockage. i wanted to believe her, because i had started to cry. but the skepticism crept in. i paid my $5 -- plus tip -- dried my eyes and went next door to drink some more. (speaking of, how am i alive today?)

so you may be wondering, what happened four years ago? well, at the time (i blame the alcohol) i thought she was referring to a horrible break up i went through during college. however, that occurred seven years ago. i have long felt that karma from that break up has followed me around since, making all of subsequent relationships fail.

however, i guess that's not what she was talking about. here is where my own skepticism creeps in. there is not a direct event i can point to that happened four years ago that would result in something bad happening to me this week. four years ago, i had just graduated from college and moved to new york. having moved back home for a few months, my high school boyfriend -- who had been at the center of that bad break up three years earlier -- wanted to rekindle our relationship. i lead him on. not one of my proudest moments. but when i finally moved to new york, we cut ties and i stopped talking to him. around that same time, i was still desperately in love with my college boyfriend, who i had been seeing on and off. then i started dating someone else -- a relationship that fell apart last year. it was a clusterfuck of feelings and relationships. its not really one specific event, but it was a significant point in my life, and i admit i didn't make all the best choices. i was young, immature, inexperienced.

but could that experience have blocked my energy for the subsequent four years? it's hard to believe that. but ... possible i guess. the question is, if i believe that, if i don't spend $75 to get "unblocked" what else is a girl to do with such a fateful diagnosis?

my takeaway from this whole experience? never get your palm read when you're upset and wasted. you end up much more concerned by the experience than you should.

the crazy lady on the beach in a boot

2009-08-20T07:13:00.002-04:00

so today is my first day of vacation. i'm taking a few days to just relax and have fun with my boyfriend and some of his friends in ocean city, maryland. but on a morning when i can sleep in and not think about anything, what am i doing? i'm up at my regular time, asking a friend about a boot.

that's because in typical amanda fashion, i have injured myself a week and a half before going to the beach, making it necessary for me to contrive some system for keeping my toe dry and sand-free while i'm at the maryland shore. i've been torturingn myself trying to cook up ways to protect one toe while allowing the rest of me to enjoy the sand and sea. it's not easy, i'll tell you that much.

so what happened? last week i (insert stupid story) dropped something on my big toe on my left foot. within hours, the toe and its nail had turned an amazing shade of lavender. when i could finally get a doctor's appointment days later, the situation had not improved. thankfully, nothing was broken. but my doctor did suggest we remove my toenail, since it was probably going to fall off anyway and taking it off would be the best way to avoid infection. i'm told it will grow back. i'm told by next week i wont' have to wear a big stupid bandage on my toe and soak it in epsom salts every day. i'm told within a few more days i'll be able to get it wet and i won't have to wear plastic bags on my foot in order to shower. but none of that helps the fact that i'm heading to the beach...today.

after wracking my brain for days trying to think of an easy and effective solution for keeping my foot protected at the beach, searching online and asking for suggestions, last night my friend melissa thought of wearing rain boots to wade in the ocean. well, not rain bootS, just one. while brilliant, this solution will make me look like a crazy person and it probably will result in some heavy sweating. i don't care. if it will help keep my injured toe dry AND allow me to enjoy the atlantic even just a little, it will be worth it.

help me raise money to fight breast cancer

2009-08-20T01:01:00.001-04:00

Dear friends and family,

Last year, I made the commitment to walk 39.3 miles -- a marathon and a half -- over two days for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. I want to thank all of you who so generously donated last year and helped me almost reach my $1800 goal. Sadly, I injured myself last August and was unable to complete the walk, but I have been training to participate this year. Having made the commitment, I'm determined to follow through. All of the money you helped me raise last year has been rolled over to my efforts this year, although it does not show up on my fundraising page. However, since this is for such a great cause, I want to raise another $1800 this year to support the Avon Foundation and help fight breast cancer. I'm turning to you to help.

Visit my personal page to donate: http://www.avonwalk.org/goto/amandanyc

First of all, let me tell you why I walk. Breast cancer is one of the many types of cancers and diseases that has touched my family. It's also shockingly prevalent among American women -- every three minutes, another woman in the United States is diagnosed with breast cancer. I am walking so that all the women in my life will have better treatment and prevention options in the future and maybe even a cure for the disease.

The Avon Foundation gives money to support medical research into the possible causes of and cure for breast cancer, education and early detection programs, and clinical care and support services for women with breast cancer in communities across the country. There is a special focus on helping medically underserved women, the poor, minorities, the elderly, or those with inadequate health insurance. And much of the money granted by the Foundation goes back to the communities where it was raised, supporting everything from local grassroots programs to national organizations. The Foundation has given more than $37 million to organizations in Connecticut, N.J. and N.Y., including the Herbert Irving Comprehensive Cancer Center at New York Presbyterian Hospital and Columbia University Medical Center, where the Avon Foundation Breast Imaging Center is housed.

Here's how you can help raise money for such an amazing and important cause and help me reach my goal:

* You can donate to me through my Avon Walk Web site: http://www.avonwalk.org/goto/amandanyc. No amount is too little. If you can't give $20, give $5. You can also donate to my teammate, Lauren Ginsberg http://info.avonfoundation.org/site/TR/Walk/NewYork?px=4083901&pg=personal&fr_id=1850

* If you don't feel comfortable donating online, you can send me a check. Email me at amanda06@gmail.com for my address details

* Pass this email along to anyone who you think would be interested in donating to this worthy cause

* Attend one of our fundraising happy hour events "Booze for Boobs II" in either New York or Philadelphia next month. More details will follow

* Donate an item we can raffle off at one of our events

* Ask your employer if they will match your contribution

* Come walk with us! Join our team, the Breasties: http://info.avonfoundation.org/site/TR/Walk/NewYork?pg=team&fr_id=1850&team_id=72241

* Send us additional fundraising ideas!

I hope you will take a moment to do one of the things above. Remember: any donation is tax deductible, even if you gave last year you can give again and write it off! If you have any questions, please feel free to email or call me. Thank you so much for your love and support.

Wishing you health and happiness,

Amanda

some thoughts on marriage and an epic generation gap

2009-08-04T11:32:00.003-04:00

last friday, my family piled in to our suv and headed south, to spend a week at my grandfather's house, as we do every year. but this year was slightly different. it was the first time i had been back since my grandmother passed away in september.

now, my grandfather lives alone in a big house filled with furniture, photos, knick knacks and other things purchased and arranged by my grandma. he has a new companion -- a 10-year-old westie terrier named carly -- but it is clear he is lonely. it's not surprising, considering he spent all of his adult life married to my grandmother. and when i say all i mean ALL.

my grandpa met my grandmother as a teenager, and they married when he was 17 and she was in her early twenties. now, when i tell him my boy problems, he looks at me like i'm an alien because i know -- and date -- men my age and older who don't want to get married yet and i don't want to get married, quit my job and have a man take care of me. i'm not exaggerating. these concepts are all foreign to him. the generational gap between his life experiences and what has become normal and commonplace in the new millennium seems too large a gulf to cross.

i have long felt like a disappointment to my grandparents because i failed to nail down a man early in my life. generally, this fact doesn't bum me out too much. i'm pretty happy where i am in the life that i have built for myself. but last spring, as i complained to my grandfather about my trouble finding a job he suggested i simply find a man and give up on the job search altogether. i'll admit the idea of finding a sugar daddy to help whisk away all my troubles has crossed my mind, but it's not like wealthy older men are exactly lining up to slip that ring on my finger. in fact, all the men i've dated since all way back to college were pretty averse to marrying me. i really know how to pick 'em!

i kid. basically, marriage and marriage potential is not as important to me as it is to my grandpa. i would rather focus on compatibility, humor, compassion, companionship. is marriage becoming more important to me the older i get? absolutely. that doesn't mean i'm ready to be married now or even sometime soon.

i had a very serious boyfriend in high school and college. we dated nearly five years and had our future planned. we broke up because he became too possessive and jealous as our long distance relationship drew into its fourth year and the distance between us became cavernous. i often think about what would had happened if we had gone to different colleges closer to each other, if we had fought less or if one of our failed attempts at reconciliation had stuck. what if we had never broken up? what if i decided to put up with the drawn out fights and jealous rants? we'd probably be married now, or maybe divorced. i'm sure there are women my age who have stayed in relationships like that, out of comfort, love, fear of being alone or any other number of reasons. i'm glad i'm not one of them. i may be unmarried, but at least i have experienced other relationships, dated, been single, nursed more than one broken heart and discovered myself.

what's sad to me about my grandfather's decision to eventually remarry again is that i don't think he ever had the chance to live the life that i -- and many of my contemporaries -- have chosen. yes, his life has been amazing and filled with love and family and happiness, as well as loss. but he never had the chance to discover himself as an adult without a wife and kids. i'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, i just think that now that he's ready to meet and marry someone else he should first take the time to learn about himself, what he wants and needs, what he loves and what's important to him in a companion. he may want to rush into the next step because he has limited time left in his life, but i think that just makes it all the more important.

---

my last night on vacation with my family, we all went to my uncle's house for dinner. as we sat down, my grandfather continued to complain about eating too much and packing on some pounds since we had arrived. i asked him why he had been so weight obsessed the whole time we were there.

"he's doing it because his girlfriend wants him to slim down," my uncle said, referring to a woman who lives in connecticut who my grandfather talks to on the phone daily.

my grandfather eyed me sideways. "everyone's calling her my girlfriend," he said. "she's not. i'd like to go out with her on one date first. but its too soon. i want to wait until october at least."

i told him i had noticed he had been dropping her name a lot in conversations. "when i am dating someone, i know i really like them when i try to sneak their name into every conversation," i told him.

he told me he was talking about her so we would all get used to the idea of him having a girlfriend, reiterating the fact that he didn't want to stay single for the rest of his life. he wants to remarry -- and soon. although he didn't say whether he wanted to marry this particular woman, he has never mentioned any other woman. he said he didn't think some people would like the idea.

i wanted to tell him that i think he needs to find himself and put himself first and not put so much emphasis on finding a wife but on finding a good companion. but in the end, i couldn't give dating and life advice to a man 50 years older than me. "not everyone is going to be happy about it," i squeaked. "but if that's what you want to do, you have to do it and we'll either support you or not. you can't make everyone happy."

in the end, for all my romantic experience , or lack thereof, that is the one thing i actually know: you can't make everyone happy, so you might as well at least be happy yourself.

really? really.

2009-08-03T23:26:00.004-04:00

please indulge me while i rant about something completely annoying and ridiculous. yes, there are better things you could be doing with your time -- and me with mine -- but i'm annoyed and this verbal diarrhea has to come up somewhere.

sometimes when i am writing too fast, i mix up "its" with "it's." it's a bad habit. i can't help it. it just is. the problem is, now that i write -- usually quickly -- hundreds of words daily for several posts on a widely read blog, i have to be more careful. but it kills me that people have nothing better to do than log in and post a rude comment pointing out what an idiot i am for not knowing the difference between its and it's. what kills me even more is when i get a rude email insinuating i should take copy editing classes.

should i have a thicker skin? yes, definitely. but may i point out how many times i have written it's and its over the last few months i have worked in this position? i think i've made this grammatical error two or three times. two or three times in nearly 600 posts, i may add.

what most annoys me is this minor grammatical error can cause such an uproar while spelling mistakes in headlines, misspelled names and other (what i would consider) major errors go by unnoticed, both in my blog and other's. some people really just have a stick up their asses. i hope they got some satisfaction out of posting that comment or writing that email, because they just came off as smug and -- as another commenter said -- priggish.

i corrected the error regardless. but all i can say is really? really?? there isn't something better you could do with your time and energy than be a jerk to me? really???

way to ruin my vacation. hurumph.

(500) Days of Summer, why are you my life?

2009-07-25T13:17:00.006-04:00

last night, i saw this indie film that has been getting a lot of buzz recently: (500) Days of Summer. while i enjoyed it overall, the movie hit a little close to home. i went home feeling a little bummed out and last night i had a horrible dream -- which was undoubtedly spurred by feelings conjured up by the film. if you don't mind having the end of the movie spoiled, read on to find out why.

the movie is the story of a relationship between tom and summer. tom is looking for "the one" and thinks he found it in summer, a cute girl working in his office. the plot device for the movie is that tom and summer's relationship -- from beginning to end -- lasted 500 days. they meet at day 1, they hook up around day 30 and break up around 290.

so why, you may ask, does their relationship continue for an additional 210 days after their break up? well, that is the time it takes tom to get over summer. 210 days, which is roughly 7 months. and while tom is getting over the girl who he thought was his soulmate, summer starts dating someone else, gets engaged and GETS MARRIED.

who does that, you may ask. well, it happens more often than you know.

it took my ex 10 months to get engaged after we broke up, but still, i can relate. tom and summer had been dating less than a year and it took him seven months to get over her. after two and half years you think someone would have to do some mourning.

what was even more heartbreaking was what summer told tom during their final meeting near the end of the 500 days. she was already married, he wasn't even over her yet. their ideas on love have been reversed. he no longer believes in soulmates, fate or destiny. and summer, the girl who claimed she didn't want a relationship, that she didn't want to be "anyone's anything," let alone someone's girlfriend, suddenly believes in fate. he asks why she changed her view of the world.

"i just woke up one day and knew," she said (i'm paraphrasing to the best of my memory.) "everything i had questioned with you."

that's just it, what i've always said and believed when it comes to love. when you are with the RIGHT person, you never want to not be with them. you know, right away, that you want to be with them forever and never let them go. it's heartbreaking, however, when you feel that way about someone and they don't feel that way about you. the feelings need to be mutual. and you can learn this early on. don't waste your time with someone who will never feel that way with you. i did. and it's one of my biggest regrets.

but to say i regret does not mean i haven't moved on. just like tom, i've met my autumn, and i'm pretty happy about where that relationship has taken me. i have no regrets whatsoever.

i don't get it

2009-07-23T15:26:00.002-04:00

what is with this Jon Gosselin character? i never quite got him. while watching the show he just seemed to kind of hump around in the background. but now that he's single, he has young nubile blondes knocking each other over and throwing themselves at him. and today, some reporter for star magazine QUIT over him. her is my post about it on FBNY: Jon Gosselin's Charm Makes Girls Drop Pants, Jobs.

check it.

the funniest thing i've read all day

2009-07-23T15:23:00.002-04:00

from: [redacted to protect the funny]
to: Amanda
date: Thu, Jul 23, 2009 at 3:15 PM
subject:new address

Hey lady --
How embarrassing is this - I didn't have your new address when we did our thank you notes for the wedding like a month ago, and actually brought your note to NY and carried it around in my purse every day thinking I would give it to you. And of course, I didn't, so now it's all rumpled and gross. However, I still want to send it to you! SO! what is your new address?

:)
xo
me

of course i want that note! send it to me, all crumpled and gross and covered in your purse dirt. i love it.

and there's also this

2009-07-18T19:46:00.005-04:00

today, i walked 6 miles in preparation for the two-day avon walk for breast cancer that i'll be doing in october. the walk is only eight weeks away, and i started to think about fundraising again.

last year, i decided to take on the challenge of walking 39.3 miles over two days and raising $1800 because i wanted to push myself physically, give back to the community and contribute to the war against breast cancer. like so many other people i know, breast cancer runs in my family. and although no one close to me has died from the disease -- although i have recently lost loved ones to pancreatic and colon cancer -- i want to keep it that way. i walk for awareness, prevention and a cure. i walk so that my mother, my aunts, my cousins, my friends, my daughters and my granddaughters will never have to worry about dying from breast cancer.

last year, i raised $1560 -- a mere $240 short of my goal -- before i injured my foot in august and stopped my fundraising efforts. all the money from last year has been transferred over, but i really would love to raise $1560 again this year, or at least $1000! that's where you come in. if you have a few bucks to spare, visit my donation page. if you can't give anything or want to give more, forward my link to anyone who you think might want to donate to the cause, and ask them to pass it along, too.

and i want to send out hearty thanks to all who contributed last year, and thank you in advance to anyone who gives a little this year, too.

the view from up here

2009-07-18T19:41:00.006-04:00

on june 26 i officially became a manhattanite!! here's the view from my balcony (she said nonchalantly while grinning ear to ear):

and here's that lovely building, which my rooommate lovingly call "empy" at night:

i'm back

2009-07-18T19:07:00.004-04:00

i have taken a sabbatical from blogging here, but i promise you internet, my reasons are sound!

main reasons (in no particular order because i can't be bothered to rank them): i'm tired/overworked, i have nothing to say and i'm scared. let me explain.

on being tired/overworked:

for the past few months i have been working as the editor of a blog for mediabistro.com, and it has pretty much consumed my life. it has been hard work and i've logged a lot of hours, but i'm not really sure how well i'm doing at it. i am worried that i suck. i get a few glimpses of promise -- climbing page view numbers, links from rival blogs, emails from important people calling me snarky -- but i am a perfectionist who is constantly beating myself up for not getting enough new news, not reporting breaking things fast enough, misspelling names and generally not adding anything to the conversation. i've been doing it for two months, so yes, it will get better and easier -- hopefully. but i just wish i didn't feel like a MAJOR FAIL 98% of the time. i am still pretty proud of the fact that i can produce as much content as i do, and i try often to include original information, quotes and insight. so you should definitely check out the site if you haven't already. and if you haven't already, consider yourself on my shit list.

the overwhelming responsibility of creating content for a blog like FishbowlNY five days a week has generally taken over. even though it is not a full time gig, i have had to treat it that way, because i just don't know how else to handle such a workload. as a result, i have lost the ability to think on my own. i don't have the wherewithall to stop and think and develop my own opinions for the site, so i have even less bandwidth to do it on my own blog. i expect this will get easier as well.

lastly, i have been worried sick about opening myself of up ridicule. with one blog post i became pretty visible and i can't say that its a position that i'm happy to be in. i don't mind the publicity, if it will drive traffic to FishbowlNY and get me more freelance work (which i guess is the point) but i've always been reluctant to open my personal life up to the world. i have posted personal pictures and stories on this blog since i started it almost 4 years ago, but until i picked up amandaernst.com earlier this year, i made sure the blog never showed up in google searches, so basically the only people who would stop by would link to me through facebook or through a blogroll on a friend's blog. (number of times the word "blog" was used in the last sentence: 4) now, this page is on my business cards, and there are links to it in even the most unlikely places. its a new experience for me, personally and professionally.

i can take the professional criticism. it stings, but i'm new and still learning and i want to know what people really think. sometimes it's hard to cut through the snark and the bullshit to get an honest critique or advice, but how else am i supposed to get improve? however, if it comes to it, i will not be able to stomach personal criticism about my looks, weight or life choices. that will definitely make me cry.

where to find amanda

2009-05-26T22:36:00.003-04:00

i've been giving out my freelance writer cards a lot recently, and they direct people to this site, amandaernst.com. but, if you came to this site from there, you should really head over to fishbowlny where i am currently editor.

here's how you can reach me:

amandae@mediabistro.com

tgis (thank god its summer)

2009-05-21T22:53:00.002-04:00

tonight was a perfect night. a perfect last thursday of spring, may 21 evening. maybe it was the warm summer weather, or the anticipation of a long weekend, the first weekend of summer, just one day away. or maybe it was a fun dinner full of chatting and catching up with the girls. a friend in from out of town. a love note from my boyfriend via text.

whatever it is, i am -- finally, thankfully -- happy. i am content. exhausted, stressed, overwhelmed, but not overtaken. just happy and content.

look how far i have come since last summer. there have been so many ups and downs in the last year, but by this time last year i was a miserable sop. last summer became a renewal for me -- new apartment, new job, new boyfriend. it all happened for me during the warm, sunny summer months. but it can't all stay sunshine and rainbows. come fall i injured my foot, lost my grandmother, lost my job.

now, finally, things are back on track. new, exciting job. new apartment soon. once i get through the lsat in two weeks i'll be able to check that stress of the list. life is not easy for me now, but its pretty good. summer have, generally, treated me well. and i'm happy that its here again.

i'm ready for the summer! bring it on.

also...so you think you can dance premiered tonight. the wait is over. life is good.

we're back!

2009-05-10T22:17:00.001-04:00

after a few days of construction, amanda in the city is back and operational. i wanted to take some time to look back through older posts and delete anything embarrassing -- especially photos.

my caution based on the fact that i've gotten a new job, and it's going to put me out there in the blogosphere more than this tiny piece of my life ever did. last week, i started as the lead blogger on the new york media blog fishbowlny. if you read this blog, you should check it out. i have a feeling its going to keep me pretty busy from now on. i'll still be here updating you on my life, and until then here is one of my favorite posts from awhile back. mtv, if you're reading, its all still true!

Sep 10, 2007
a plea to the reality show gods

dear mtv,

it is about time that someone, like your talent scouts, find me and create a reality tv show centered around my exciting new york city life, a la the hills.

because, i need a new fabulous job and/or promotion where i will get my own office and assistant. this is critical, and i believe that once we start working together, all my dreams can come true.

once i am a star of a reality show on your network, i will have to do nothing more than bump into a famous club owner/pr guru and get daddy to pay for a boob job in order to have a successful career, much like heidi, the stupid bimbo with the controlling whack job boyfriend on the hills.

i am willing to make a number of concessions in order to make myself a viable candidate for a tv show. i am willing to bleach my hair blond, drop 20 pounds and go tanning daily. i can buy a better wardrobe (with the help of your stylists and some start up cash perhaps?) and wear shorter skirts, tighter pants and higher heels. this will all be much easier when i weigh 90 pounds.

i will also make an effort to go out every night to the hottest hot spots in the city, where i will befriend the bouncers and/or bartenders and be the center of attention. i will stop riding the subway and take cabs everywhere. (better yet, perhaps we can work out a corporate car account?)

i will even start up a feud with a friend in order to cause drama on my show (i won't need (insert friend's name here). i will make more friends after i'm famous!)

and all that going out and partying and staying out late will probably affect my work and relationship, so that will be a great starting point for the show. i can see it now. the angle of the show will be, can a party girl be a social butterfly and serious journalist too?

the answer will be a resounding yes after you fly me to africa with bono to report on starvation and genocide.

don't you see mtv? our potential relationship can be mutually beneficial!

call me!

love,
amanda

something to look forward to

2009-05-05T12:08:00.004-04:00

i can't wait! only two weeks and two days until the best show on television* returns!

here's a fun video about miami auditions:

*so you think you can dance, of course.

i wouldn't mind being a farmer housewife

2009-05-05T11:30:00.002-04:00

this morning, i stumbled upon this article from the chicago tribune, "emily achenbaum: reporter turned 'farmer housewife'".

the article is actually a note from tribune reporter achenbaum, explaining her (admittedly crazy during this economy) plan to quit her job, move to the suburbs and simplify her life. i have to admit, this is something that i have dreamed of doing. pick up, move to the country, plant tomatoes and get a dog. but there are a few things that have held me back.

first and foremost, there is the money issue. unlike me, achenbaum has the luxury of deciding when to leave her job and therefore can save up and depart when she is in "financial and psychological position where a sudden job loss wouldn't be devastating." she also has a soon-to-be-husband who will provide income for them both to live off of. i also suspect they have (or will purchase) at least one car to commute from the 'burbs.

i do not think that a husband would have solved all my problems, but it certainly would be nice to have someone to take care of me for the past few months, to pay my bills while i get back on my feet or just plant tomatoes for the both of us. i have worked so hard to find a place for myself in the faltering journalism world, but what if the answer was just escaping from it all?

don't get me wrong, i love living in new york. but when you have no purpose to be here, no job to go to 9 to 5, you get to thinking about what you could give up and where you would rather be spending your days beyond the concrete jungle. before i lost my job, my roommate sent me a want ad posted by two women about our age, who left media jobs and rented a house in marth's vineyard for a few months -- they were looking for more roommates. at the time, i thought, what a brilliant idea. i would have never, ever thought of that. when i did get let go, i dabbled with idea of tracking down those women and seeing if the offer was still open. but, needless to say, i ultimately decided against it in favor of maintaining my boring, stable (and expensive) life in nyc.

i guess my point is that i envy emily achenbaum, not just for her ability to leave her job and her city life but for her courage to do so. someday, after a long lost relative leaves me a huge inheritance, i might finally get up the guts to move to a wintry beach community or isolated country paradise. i already know from my months of professional exile that i can fill up a day easily, so if i don't have to worry about earning money, i'll be all set.

someday...

unemployment week 23

2009-05-04T09:51:00.003-04:00

the month of may is the sixth month of my unemployment. from the beginning, i have told myself that i was going about it all wrong. every day i promise myself that tomorrow i will wake up at a respectable hour, treat the day like a work day, sit at my desk or a coffee shop or library all day, take a break for lunch, and then back to the grind. there is plenty for me to do all day, even if a lot of it is just hypothetical. i can stay busy, if i concentrate and work on it.

last night, i promised myself that this week i would start a new regimen. five months of sleeping in and sitting on the couch while i apply to jobs has resulted in nothing, so i have to make some sort of change. i set my alarm for 7:30. when i worked at my last job, i had no problem getting out of bed, no matter how little sleep i had the night before. i wanted to be there, and it wasn't a chore to wake up and go. i forgot what it feels like to wake up when you don't want to do anything all day. i hit the snooze for an hour. then i shut off the alarm completely and went back to sleep until 10.

my problem is not so much lack of self-motivation but lack of motivation to create tasks for myself and then complete them. its easy to motivate myself when there is a goal or when there is something to complete laid out before me. perhaps i should make up a schedule for myself the night before, then i would have something to follow during the day.

since becoming unemployed and taking on the challenge of attempting to build a freelance career, i have met many people who work nonstop and juggle many different projects and jobs at once. i wonder how they can do it all because sometimes i think there aren't enough hours in the day, and i don't have a full time job! these people -- whether they are writing pitches, articles or even books -- can spend every free moment sitting at their computer doing just that. i once read a blog of a freelancer who said she had trouble tearing herself away from her work simply to eat or sleep.

i can get immersed in my work as easily as the next reporter, but its getting to that work that has been the problem. the few freelance assignments i have managed to land have only come to me through intense begging, endless pitching and relentless follow up. it hasn't been easy. but once i got the assignments, they were fairly painless to complete. in fact, the hardest part of freelancing comes before you even land a gig, and ultimately i don't think i'm paid enough for all the effort i put in.

ideally, i would love to create a relationship with an editor who would rely on me for story ideas as well as quick turnaround on ideas they come up with. maybe in this economy that is a lot to ask. i just thought it would be easier to find than full time work.

it seems that no matter how much work i have to do or not do, i am always, endlessly complaining that there just aren't enough hours in the day. if only i could get out of bed at 7:30.

television addiction

2009-04-30T21:32:00.003-04:00

one thing you should know about me, if you don't already, is that i am hopelessly, ridiculously addicted to tv. i watch so many shows that my dvr routinely tapes two shows at once between the hours of 8 and 11 during the week and needs to pick up the second run of some cable shows. i even miss out on some shows that i want to watch (i'm looking at you house!) because there are too many shows on at the same time.

i was away from my dvr for 10 days last week and there are so many shows waiting for me that i have barely been able to make a dent so far. my dvr is currently 100% full! (although she would never say so, i'm sure this upsets my roommmate...sorry!!)

with the exception of the newest midseason replacement shows (the unusuals, southland) i have opinions about all of these shows. and i have my very favorite of favorites. i love the office and 30 rock so much i had to watch them on hulu in my hotel room when i got a free moment last friday afternoon. amy poehler's new show parks & recreation was also top of my list and i watched last week's episode right away. how i met your mother is another fav, along with grey's anatomy and recently canceled samantha who.

here's some other things i watch and dvr:

elle-based reality show running in heels (which just had its finale)
60 minutes
the amazing race
desperate housewives
greek
house
gossip girl
castle
medium
the hills
the biggest loser
the real housewives (ny right now, oc in the past)
fringe
my boys
rescue me (a new addition)
better off ted (still on the fence)
ugly betty
cupid
private practice
ghost whisperer (guilty pleasure)
law & order and law & order svu
saturday night live (of course)

the reason i am providing you this lengthy list is just in case you also love these shows and would like to hear my take on them. a few months ago, i thought i would maybe start a blog where i recapped all the shows i thought were essential "girl" shows, but honestly, even without a full time job, there were not enough hours in the day for me to watch the shows and recap them, sometimes requiring a second run through. i would not mind writing my review of all these shows at some point or another, if you are interested and i feel so inclined.

what are your favorites? what do you watch?

california dreaming

2009-04-29T23:00:00.009-04:00

i did so much last week its hard to know where to start with my recap. first, there was the much-delayed flight out to san diego. but the heat, heavy bags and crying babies were all worth it. when i stepped off the plane, all i smelled was beach and sunshine. yes, san diego smells like sunshine. i kid you not.

our first full day, we went to the beach, which had soft sand with shiny gold flecks in it, so when you left the beach you were covered in gold shimmer. the water was beautiful and clean looking, if a bit on the cold side. in short, everything was perfect.

then i got pressured into flying on a tiny four-seat plane, and although i feared for my life the whole time, at least i didn't get air sickness like on of my fellow passengers.

the next day, after getting a small scalp burn, i bought a silly looking hat.

later in the week, we went to the zoo and saw pandas. i wore my panda shirt and silly hat.

on our last day there, we went to the gun range and the marines who had so graciously welcomed my friend maggie and i into their home taught us how to shoot guns. it was fun, and a little scary. and loud. (photos not available)

on thursday, i flew up to san francisco and spent the day with my friend and bride-to-be, erin. it was really nice to see her again after a few months apart. the next day a group of ladies went to brunch and then mani-pedis. it was beautiful and sunny the whole time i was in san francisco, although it was a little on the cool side and windy.

on saturday, we walked along the embarcadero on a beautiful sunny day, and enjoyed a lovely brunch. then we dressed ourselves up and boarded a trolley to the wedding location. the trolleys brought us through golden gate park and we got some great views.

and when we got to the peninsula where the ceremony was, overlooking the beach and the pacific, there were more amazing views.

the wedding was beautiful. erin looked amazing in her gorgeous white dress and pink pashmina, and her bridesmaids were decked out in indian-themed colors: pink dresses, saffron pashminas, gold shoes and bangle bracelets. (erin is obsessed with indian culture while her husband, ben, likes china) they said their own vows before a friend they had picked to officiate. the ceremony was quick (thankfully because it was so very windy and cold) and then we all blew bubbles as the wedding party ran towards the trolleys.

then we headed to china town for the reception. it was fun, with the food and booze flowing. there were fortune cookie favors with choice fortunes including my favorite "help! i'm trapped in a chinese bakery!"

here's one of my favorite photos of the night (among many):

unemployed summer in the city

2009-04-28T12:59:00.004-04:00

hi. remember me? i know its been awhile, but seriously, i needed a break. i've been struggling through unemployment and freelancing attempts for five long months, looking forward to a san francisco trip for the wedding of my good friend erin. when the opportunity came along to tie in a beach vacation in san diego, i jumped at the chance. i took a break from life and a break from blogging. its all going to be okay, though: besides the 40 degree increase in temperature since i left my fair city, everything is back to normal. (pictures of the wedding and my trip to come)

i jumped back into the grind with both feet, landing a job interview yesterday and sending out emails to everyone who had it coming to them yesterday and today (editors who owe me replies, i'm looking at you). now, i'm getting ready to lounge by the water in hoboken. its hard to argue that being unemployed during the warm, sunny summer months will be a hardship, although my bank account might disagree. it is seriously dwindling, which will send me indoors to pound out cover letters, article pitches and other things that might make me $$. any ideas? hire me please. thanks.

speaking of being unemployed for the summer, conde nast folded yet another publication yesterday, the oft-maligned portfolio. i have to admit, the news gave me a certain thrill and a feeling of justice. before my own conde title was folded, i had heard tell of the trials of the business pub, which launched two years ago. the magazine probably cost 10 times what dnr did to operate, and although its readers were probably more hihg profile that ours, i doubt they were as loyal. and, with portfolio gone, there are any number of business magazines, newspapers and online publications to cover the industry yet there are very few outlets for men's fashion in the wake of dnr's demise. yes, it was a small pub, but the loss of dnr was mourned.

as for portfolio, that is yet to be seen. certainly, those 80+ staffers who lost their jobs yesterday will miss it, and i am not looking forward to competing with them for full time jobs in the larger market, within conde or even freelance and part time gigs.

yesterday, many who announced portfolio's closure did not seem surprised by the news. when it launched, the media met portfolio with suspicion. it was a tough time to launch a business mag and its concept seemed iffy at best: vanity fair meets fortune/forbes/wall street journal. but the publication was backed by power player conde and was a favorite of company head si newhouse. he had reportedly promised it $100 million over five years, so it had some money to burn. newhouse would not let his baby die, which is why he let other less-prestigious titles like dnr, men's vogue and domino fall before closing something in which he had so much invested.

when news of portfolio broke in 2006 i was working at forbes. i can tell you that editors there were shaking in their boots, not just because they thought the magazine would succeed and steal their market share, but because they thought editor joanne lipman (formerly of the wsj like many a forbes-er) would steal promising talent. they were right (the mag did eagerly approach at least one forbes writer that i know of) but they may have overestimated the conde title's pull. would an up-and-comer leave a stable job for something that might fold in just a few years? of course, no one foresaw the downfall of the magazine industry that started snowballing last year. if not for that, would portfolio have survived? i am no expert, but i believe that, had newhouse had unlimited funds to throw at it, portfolio would have stuck around for a few more years.

from inside the media bubble where i lived for three years, reading my gawker and daily intel and mediabistro, i didn't know how successful portfolio was, if at all. last summer, when i had just started at dnr, i started dating a finance guy. he subscribed to portfolio and actually liked it, and i was surprised. i thought, maybe there is an audience for this magazine after all. i gave it the benefit of the doubt.

yesterday, as the news spread of the magazines closure, there were a lot of people who seemed smug, and even happy, over the news. my boyfriend was the only voice i heard that was genuinely sad. now, i wonder what conde will replace his portfolio subscription with after its may issue.

beaching

2009-04-22T18:51:00.002-04:00

for the past few days, i've been out of commission. i have been traveling on the west coast, and i'm heading up to san francisco tomorrow morning for a wedding saturday. i promise to fill you in on the amazing adventures i've been having when i get back to the real world.

for now, enjoy this lovely picture of my bum.