The collaborative process was unique to each match up. For the film that Julia produced, I provided my process videos and photos plus process notes about the intent of the Good Intentions series. Julia edited and created a narrative for the film. Dang, if she didn’t communicate the intent so very well. The audience agreed. At the public screening of the films, Good Intentions won the 2nd Place Audience Vote award.

Note: this video was uploaded to the SJPS vimeo account to share here. This is not an SJPS video production.

I haven’t been drinking alcohol for awhile because it has such detrimental affects on my health. It adds to the layers and layers of exhaustion in my body. I realized this 4 years ago when my burnout hit so hard and have been attempting some sort of moderation since to be able to fully recover from this long round of burnout. I wasn’t a heavy drinker. Wouldn’t call myself an alcoholic, but over 50 years of masking as neurotypical (even masking from myself) can bring up a need to self medicate. Beer has always been my choice for that.

Here are some absolutely mind blowing (to me) discoveries after stopping.

#1  I never really learned how to fully process the big emotions I felt in my body. Alcohol was a way to diffuse the bomb that was about to explode within me. I discovered I have alexithymia, so beyond not learning how to process the emotions, I often couldn’t even identify them. My body just felt a strong frenetic energy that I needed to diffuse. [Alexithymia is an inability to identify and describe emotions and is a common for autistic people. I think the percentage is estimate at 50% of autistic people experience alexithymia.]

#2 My emotions are processed through my body. Yours probably are too. As an autistic person, my experience is one in which my body is reactive and highly sensitive to ALL the input ALL the time, rather than being able to tune out certain things as seems to be true for neurotypicals. It’s like a sponge of all experiences, even for those I’m not fully cognizant, and can easily cause sensory overwhelm. Alcohol dulled the sensory overwhelm and soothed the emotions I couldn’t label, but also kept me from actually processing those unnameable emotions so they’ve remained lodged in my body.

#3 Through the help of my mental health team, I am actually learning to identify and process emotions as they come up. This newly developed skill initially felt so good, but became really hard in September (plus all those retrogrades) as layers and layers of past trauma bubbled to the surface asking to be acknowledged and processed. Hello deep depression and grief.

#4 I now understand better why I struggled so much in adolescence. I was experiencing huge emotions and was hyperaware of my inability to truly fit with group dynamics, but also was unable to express or communicate what I was feeling or why due to the alexithymia. That is like being fully aware the building is about to collapse and watching it happen in slo-mo, but not being able to identify why the collapse is happening. And really, how does one ask for help without being able to describe why the help is needed?

Anyway in the past couple weeks as I processed these deep old layers of cPTSD, I’ve begun to feel that familiar frenetic buildup in my body again. Yesterday I felt it so strong along with a sense of despair that the chronic fatigue I’ve felt for the past 4 years is never going to end. So I did all these near alcohol things giving myself an opportunity to partake. I ordered food from a local pub and went to pick it up and of course ran into a couple friends who had just sat down for a beer. But I took my food and came home. THEN went to the liquor store to buy some nonalcoholic beer so I could at least have a close taste to what I was craving in my body. And I bought a 6 pack of alcoholic beer (for a pal) and a 6 pack of nonalcoholic beer. And I drank the nonalcoholic beer.

And THEN I put on my roller skates and all of that frenetic energy washed away. I skated around the shop and out in the street. I danced on my skates to ABBA and ELO. I sang at the top of my lungs to the albums as they spun on the turntable. I connected to that adolescent girl who loved these things. And I felt so much better. Today I am so very glad that I didn’t drink because I woke up at 6am and felt slightly refreshed instead of having to write off the day due to utter exhaustion from my body processing alcohol overnight. I am learning a new way of being.

There are so many great resources for learning more about processing emotions and listening to your body. One great one is the Feminist Survival Project podcast by hosted by Emily and Amelia Nagoski, authors of BURNOUT: the secret to unlocking the stress cycle. My friend, Crystal Marie, shared this podcast series with me and I highly recommend even just listening to Episodes 58-63 on How the Listen to Your Body. In those episodes, Amelia also describes alexithymia from her own experience and it is a bit different than mine. She didn’t believe emotions existed while I couldn’t identify or describe many of my emotions.

The book, BURNOUT, is on my very tall stack of must read books. I am climbing that mountain, but it is ever growing. So many good books, so little time.

Skate on, my friends. Skate on. [PS: I got my very comfortable Chaya Skates at Legacy Skate KC ]

There were a lot of wonderful things about my formative years too. But those are not the things that my subconscious is bringing to my awareness right now. Instead it’s taking me through a healing process of the suffering and a cleansing process of extraction. 

I recently listened to an interview of Carson Tueller on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast (Episode 117, July 28, 2022). In the life giving conversation which I highly recommend a listen, Glennon Doyle said “It’s not the disability that causes the suffering, it’s the ableism. It’s not the queerness that causes suffering, it’s the homophobia. It’s not the blackness, the brownness, it’s the racism…” 

As a neurodivergent person, I would add that it’s not the neurotype that causes the suffering, it’s the othering. 

And then Carson capped the interview with this wonderful gift,

“…consider that you, your capital S self, will never tell you that you’re broken, it will never tell you something is wrong with your body, whether that’s its shape, or size, or color, or anything about it, function. That is never coming from the self. So the next right thing that I could offer, would be to listen for that voice that is the self. And I think that there are a lot of ways to do that. I think therapy can be really helpful, I think coaching can be really helpful. I think journaling, writing. But I want to convince everybody listening that there is a you that is present and always speaking. And there’s no greater task or more important task in this life, than to know how to find that and hear it, and then live consistently with it.”

Such a deeply healing message at a time when our whole nation is can no longer avoid the -isms. My own process has been one of not only healing from the effects these lies have had on my own existence, but extracting them as I notice them embedded within me and affecting my own behavior towards others.

#disabilitypride #neurodivergent #actuallyautistic #WeCanDoHardThingsPodcast #amandajolley #SubconsciousMessages #exctraction #healing #fire #plaster #encaustic  

The process of growth is so very layered and nuanced. I find myself in spaces of feeling so healthy, that I’m finally exiting my burnout, and I’ll be hit with another reminder of cPTSD related coping through years of not knowing I’m autistic.

Most recently I found myself revisiting social trauma. I was in the eerily familiar situation of realizing that I am unable to truly determine when friendship is reciprocated.

When I find myself in an environment that I see the same people over and over, especially if we communicate on a regular basis in that space, I feel the person is a friend. We greet each other with smiles, happy to see one another, and with a sense that we care how the other is doing.

So the hard thing for me is realizing that a ‘casual friend’ (someone I don’t know well, but still care about) does not actually have reciprocal feelings, that they were just being nice and I missed the subtle social cues that would have told me otherwise.

My autism gives me an amazing ability to perceive patterns of behavior, body language, and speech. I can sense the energy in a space in a very intuitive way. And at exact the same time, I am unable to determine who is really a friend. Do you know how dangerous the world is without that ability? I often feel very unsafe in social situations. 

Because of some pretty mortifying experiences surrounding this, when I sense it happening again, my body goes into extreme anxiety mode. I want to burst in tears. I want to flee the space and really have a difficult time feeling safe there again. And, oh yea, it’s meltdown time. Once I’m outta the space, I freak.

This happened again two weeks ago and I am still feeling deep repercussions in my body from the embedded layers of trauma emerging. Healing is hard work. Knowing I’m autistic helps me make more sense of my own experience, but it doesn’t erase the past 52 years of not understanding why these things kept happening.

#encaustic #collage #amandajolley #socialanxiety #autisticexperience #actuallyautistic 

Yesterday a group of us gathered in my studio to learn about the magic of encaustic painting and all its potential. As the instructor, my intent was not just to share the technicalities involved. I always have a greater intention for those who enter my studio doors. I want them to find home, that space within where the true self lies. I want my studio space to be an environment where tapping into and expressing the true self feels safe.

The process of creation, play, and experimentation is a powerful way to release all the trappings of our culture, the sense of a need to produce work of value in the eyes of others, the idea that every thing we do must be a commodified or exhibit worthy. That same process of play and experimentation is a hella way to learn because it comes with an inherent freedom, a letting go of a hierarchical value system.

After a full day of discovery of the encaustic painting process, we sat around the gathering table and shared our aha moments. From the vulnerable thoughts that were shared, I’d say my greater goals were met. And that is why I teach. My larger goal will always be deeper knowing of self in a safe inclusive space.

I don’t teach often anymore. At one time, I had an established goal of being a teaching artist. Through the process of preparing content, traveling, setting up, tearing down, I learned my own limitations. The rest found during our sequestered time amidst the pandemic and the recent discovery that I am autistic have given me even greater pause to listen to my body and only teach as I am able so as not to debilitate myself. 

But dang, I don’t ever want to stop. The JOY I feel in giving others space to be and express themselves outweighs any bit of exhaustion.

In the future, I will be teaching two in-person workshops per year, an Intro to Encaustic workshop and an expanded workshop focused on attuning to the inner voice. My next workshop is a 2-day Asemic Writing with Encaustic Exploration in March 2022. I have no doubt it will be a full workshop. I invite you to enter this sacred space with me as a guide.

A fascination with the brain and its inner workings has collided with my creative expression. My process is one that allows the hand to choose the marks, brush strokes, colors, an intuitive process of trust that my hand knows better than my thoughts at times.

I learned to play the piano at 3 years old and played through college. After full-time adulting entered my world, the draw to the piano diminished. When I return to the keyboard on occasion, I trust my hands in a similar manner to trusting them with the paintbrush. The moment I start to think about it, the whole process gets gummed up. I hit wrong notes. I paint wrong strokes.

I’m learning to trust my hand and its amazing connection to the brain instead of determining my movement by thinking about it first. My body really knows what to do.

The queen’s view of the courtyard.

I returned from a magical trip to India over a month ago. It’s taken this long for my mind and body to recover. Sue Stover and Michelle Fletcher put together an appropriately named trip: The Art of Travel…Inspired Journey to India. (And yes, this is the same Sue Stover that will be guest artist here at Studio Joy this May.) Not only was their behind-the-scenes planning evident, but we had an unusual group of people, few who knew each other, who got along better than family. We all enjoyed being together for this journey.

Sue Stover teaching us about stamp carving.

Not only did we visit and learn from local artisans and from Sue Stover, we also took wild rides through the city, ate one delicious meal after another, and watched the moon grow from a sliver crescent to its fullness.

Floor tile in the dining hall at Deogarh Palace.

Daisy chain tessellation folded before stepping on the matching floor tile above.

I had a special companion on this trip, my partner in life, Scott. He came along on this trip not knowing what to expect. He was one of the few men along.

I was not surprised to walk down the street and hear locals call Scott by name.

While he joined in on all the fun, he also was in his own groove of creating art. He took perhaps the best photos of his life while we were there. I’m utterly blown away by what he captured, and the story he has created through his photography.

God in his workshop.
-Photo by Scott Jolley

He posted many of the photos on Facebook and soon had suggestions of compiling a book. That is happening. We also wanted a way to return some love to India from this project, so devised a scheme. This is what we’ve put together:

India, According to Scott: a Kickstarter Project

The book Scott has compiled is about 100 pages, softcover. Our friends, Buck and John, who actually know how to create a book, have offered to help with this project as well. We are utilizing Kickstarter to determine how many books to order. All excess funds from the Kickstarter Project (net profit) will be sent to support the elementary school in the hometown (near Jaipur) of our fabulous guide and dear friend, Richi Gurjar. We will also be sending books to Richi to distribute to many of the people in the photos, like our tuk tuk driver, G2.

Here is G2 after driving over an hour on the highway in his tuk tuk to bring us a delicious and filling lunch.

I’m still processing the trip, how exposure to the caste system has affected my heart, how in love I fell with the beautiful ritual of daily life, how shocked I am at the little pay received for artisan work. I’d like to invite you further into our story with Scott’s book. Get one for yourself, or as a gift. Before you open the pages, open your heart to humanity and our oneness.

Besides this country reaching deep down inside our souls causing great introspection, we just had plain fun.

Sue and I designing our nose jewelry with the help of Richi.

Scott, Michelle and I got inked

Spending time with the locals was one of my favorite things. They taught me things with joy, like how to balance a large bowl of vegetables on my head. I couldn’t quite go hands free.

Massage by Baba Sen, the Cosmic Barber

And lots of dancing.

I wish you could smell my journal from India. It smells like magic.