After breakfast, we played with all the little toys we usually keep put up. Taking out each toy and playing with them. Trucks and parts of duplo, peppa pig and paw patrol figures, they all came out to play.

At times I found myself sitting and pinching my arm. Is this time we’re living in real? What day is it? oh ya, yes it is real. This is all very real. It’s Thursday. Then he would do something silly, make a face and have us both laughing.

The weather was sunny, cool and breezy so we headed outside. I cleaned out the sandbox, filled up the mini toddler pool and sat back for a morning of enjoying one-on-one time with him.

After all, it’s all about these little moments of joy in our lifetime.

This pregnancy journey got off to a rocky start, a placental bleed a few times early on. Given the 50/50 chance, we were very hopeful for a positive outcome. I had a week here and there of bed rest, a lot of morning and evening sickness. The exhaustion has been unreal, I am more tired this pregnancy then my first.

As the weeks went on, my age and my husbands age required us to do Integrated Prenatal Screening (IPS). There is a new type of testing for this called Non Invasive Prenatal Test (NIPT), you can do this test as early as 9 weeks, but it is more accurate after 12 weeks. NIPT testing is covered by OHIP only if you have something flagged on the IPS testing. If you wanted to pay $550 CAD you could do the test before the IPS testing (Which I opted to do).
I did mine at 9 weeks (which in hind sight was too early).

After waiting 7 days, the results came back with ‘no-result’, low fetal fraction. This could have meant a few things, but we opted to re-test at no additional cost. Waited another 7 days, doing the test at around 11 weeks (again too early for me). It also came back ‘no-result’, low fetal fraction with a recommendation for genetic counselling.
My Dr referred me to the genetic clinic at McMaster. It was about a 2-3 week wait to get into the clinic, in that time period I started my IPS two part test, which involves two blood tests and an ultrasound.

When I went to the clinic, I was expecting to be told, it was okay not a big deal, everything was going to be fine. Instead I got the exact opposite, and it was highly recommended that I have an amniocentesis (amnio). This was a very hard decision, as we knew all the high risks this involved, we opted to have one.

The clinic at McMaster with the doctors and the genetic councilors, is such an amazing team of professionals that are supportive, informative and very skilled. The day of the amnio, my husband couldn’t be with me, so my parents drove two hours to my house and the hour to McMaster to be with me and help me. The procedure was more painful and crampy then any of the staff let on that it would be, later I would find out it was because they went through my placenta (as it was laying across the front of my belly). The emotional toll, the pain, and everything I had been through so far, I had the rest of the week off work.
As I layed in bed for the week, I was also praying to the universe and spirits and hoping all would be okay.

There are two different ways they will get results from the amnio, the first is a rapid test for the 5 major things, and this can be calculated in the first 5 days.  My rapid test came back inconclusive because of maternal blood. This meant they needed to incubate the sample for two-three weeks to have my blood cells die off and the babies grow.

The longest two weeks of my life, I got a call through the car, it was my genetics councillor telling me the rapid test with the incubated cells have come back clear!! Whoop step one complete and successful, and we found out in the same phone call, it was a BOY!!
We just had to wait another week, or two as they unravel all the babies DNA and check the whole strand for markers/flags.

More waiting, and by this time I was about 22 weeks pregnant; Was this pregnancy viable? Was everything going to be okay?
The final phone call came in and everything was clear, everything was going to be okay!
We were going to have a baby boy come another 18 weeks!!

This also started the rush of putting together two lists, one of what we needed to get for the baby, and two what we needed to clean and do around the house to get ready for baby.
OMG Panic… after 5.5 years we had just sold a lot of our baby stuff. Thank goodness we had kept the crib, and all my cloth diapers systems. The rest of the items I have been able to pick up from local mom buy and sell groups on Facebook, very generous friends and family that have given us amazing gifts and a few hand me downs from his older sister.

McMaster referred me up to the high risk clinic for pregnancy related high blood pressure and the microadenoma in my pituitary gland (wanted to make sure it wasn’t growing from the pregnancy hormones, which it is just fine).
After two visits the high risk clinic at McMaster released me back to my OB but keeping my file open, making sure that I followed the recommendations of getting my CPAP machine asap, and following the babies growth. Any dips and we would have to come back.

Well, a month ago, we did another ultrasound at Karma in Kitchener, and with their measurements the baby was sitting at the 4th percentile, which meant a huge drop in size. My OB plotted the size and measurements into the graph that McMaster had provided us and it was over 10th percentile, so something didn’t add up.
Back to McMaster I went.

It turns out there are many different algorithms for calculating the babies size, McMaster uses the most accurate and up-to-date method. After another ultrasound and appointment, everything was just fine, the baby boy was doing amazing, and looking great!

I just had my final appointment at McMaster this week, I’ve been released into the care of my OB and I couldn’t be happier. I have to take my blood pressure twice a day and track how that goes. Keep an eye on headaches and watch for signs of pre-eclampsia, as that is what happened with my first pregnancy.

Not long left and this miracle will be born!

Through all this though, I have been so thankful and enjoying all of the pregnancy, the belly, the movements, even the rough stuff, grateful for it all. This is the greatest gift, thank you spirits, thank you universe!
~ <3

Half an hour later, I’m in my bathroom peeing on a stick (I had bought two tests in one kit, just so I could do one in the morning as well) and the wait, I’m watching the line appear that usually never appears.
Wait what?
It is getting stronger, the pink line, that for 5 years has never been pink, is now a thick pink line. There are two pink lines, I’m holding a positive pregnancy test. The thoughts are racing through my head. How, how is this possible? we’d only been intimate one time that month (my husband works a permanent night shift and our daughter had been sick so we didn’t have a lot of us time that last few weeks). Once. ONE TIME.
It can’t be true, can it?
I raced out of the bathroom and handed my husband the test without saying a word. He just looked at it but couldn’t read it because he wasn’t wearing his bifocals…”What, what does it say?”
“YOU NEED TO PUT YOUR GLASSES ON”….
As he’s frantically looking for his glasses, I grab my purse to head out the door; “It’s positive, are you okay?”
“I don’t know” as I took the test from him and shut the front door behind me as I left.
I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t breathe, Where was I going? …. I’m going to one of my closest friends.
I walk into her door, and hand her the test.
We both, in shocking celebration, cheered and hugged….
I’m getting texts from my husband asking if I’m okay. So, I leave my friends house and head back home.
I guess I just needed to breathe.
I walk in the door to our home, husband standing there, I just look at him and say, “So, I guess I’m pregnant”

The next morning I peed on another stick… more pink lines… yep, super pregnant.

Today marks week 26, and what a ride its been so far. I’ve been in and out of the Guelph General, back and forth to McMaster Hospital in Hamilton, countless ultrasounds and OB appointments. I’ve been cleared to follow up with my OB and I don’t need to go back to McMaster.  Thank you spirits! Thank you universe, I am so grateful.
Once we got through all of that that, it has become more of a shocking realization; Come the end of June we are going to be having a baby.
We are actually going to have a baby.

What a little miracle he is!

I said it to someone over the weekend when we were casually talking about babies and our kids growing up, and she was very sympathetic and said something that is so true.
“We don’t talk about the sad feelings, we don’t talk enough about grief”
We tend to just sweep the sad feelings under the carpet, or we tend to try and brush them off, not talk about them or we try and fix them, try and make ourselves rush to feel better faster than we should.

I remember just recently I was helping my mother cook food for our family and put down my 6 month old nephew, he wasn’t having any of my mom’s techniques and she pushed me in to rock and comfort him to sleep. As I look into his beautiful sleepy face, nuzzling his soother back and forth, I completely lost it, I cried. I couldn’t handle the feeling of wanting, needing and knowing that had I not miscarried, I would be rocking my own baby to sleep. I sobbed as he drifted off, and I wept as I held him. He’s such a cute amazing baby and I love him so much, it wasn’t an angry cry, just a sorrow filled grieving one, mixed with the love of his beauty.
I wish I could have just let it all out but I quickly realized that I couldn’t go out and just cry in front of my family, so I forced myself to stop and wipe away the tears. My mom saw but didn’t say anything and we just went on as if nothing was wrong.
I held it in for quite a while, and when we were on our way home, talking to my husband, I got it all out and cried for a long time. I needed to cry, it had been so long for that release. He just touched and rubbed my leg as we drove home.

We had been trying for another child for a few years, going to the doctors and finally getting a referral to an obstetrician I felt encouraged that I might get some answers and help.

At the beginning of August last year, I went in to the OB and he scheduled me for an ultrasound, my last cycle was super super light and that was abnormal for me. If the ultrasound was clear we would do a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG).
I did the ultrasound on August 9th, 2014, and the ob office assured me it would inform me of any results. I didn’t hear back within a few weeks so I naturally assumed everything was okay for the (HSG) so I called and tried to book one, but the dr was on vacation so I was to wait until my next cycle and call back (the did not mention the results from the ultrasound so I assumed all was ok).

At the end of August, if you remember from my post about the big dig, I rushed myself to the emerge department the following an exerpt from that posting:

“About the end of August, just after our summer vacation, I went to the hospital with acute chest pain, arm tingling, headache, dizziness/vertigo, light-headed. When I got to the hospital my BP was 140/89 and my resting pulse was 129. Normally my BP is 120/70 and my resting pulse is around 80. I waiting for 6 hours before being seen, apparently they called my name earlier but I didn’t hear them. I find that odd as I was sitting right next to the door for the emerge triage room. So, I think they mixed up the papers. The Guelph General Emerge room, is always packed and there is always HUGE wait times. The nurses there are amazing, with the odd grouch here and there. They got me back into a room and my pulse and BP was still up, same with the pain. I got very dizzy and was thankful for the bed. They did every test they could, and everything looked okay, they gave me a bunch of fluids and my pulse came down. I still had the pain in my chest and vertigo but all the tests told the doctors I wasn’t anything major, it wasn’t a heart attack or a stroke, but he was referring me to a cardiologist. So, sitting in the hospital for over 11 hours didn’t result in any answers; except I wasn’t having a heart attack or a stroke.”

I even remember asking the dr in emerge if it could have been cycle related as I had a really painful cramping, very heavy clotty menstruation and I bled out onto the bed. He dismissed it.

As the months went on, my periods were getting worse and worse, more clotty and painful, and finally after the biggest clots and period I’d ever had, I went to my general practitioner doctor on Feb 20th (6 months after that emergency visit). I told her what was going on with my cycles, that I had thought something was seriously wrong. Then she said something to me that took my breath away.

“Well, you were pregnant in August, I’m reading it here in your ultrasound results”

“what… what do you mean”

“5-6 week gestation with implanted focus”

As she read those lines I went into shock.

I couldn’t breath and I needed to get out of her office, I told her I never knew and that I never received the report from the OB.
Her face went white and she told me, she was ‘cc’d’ on the results from the OB and that she/her office, most likely thought I was following up with the OB as my last pregnancy was so dangerously high-risk.

What was going on with my body was its own way of expelling the fetus etc over months at a time, and that day that I went to emerge, I was having a miscarriage (that is why when I went to the Heart specialist he told me he was 100% clear nothing was wrong with my heart).

No one knew, no one told me that I was pregnant and I didn’t know. I was in shock.

My husband sleeps during the day because he works permanent nights, so I called my mother, weeping, sobbing, shaking, trying to tell her what was going on.

I checked my work mail on my phone and I had to get back to work to do a web posting. God was watching me because I don’t know how I drove, parked my car and walked up to my work. My boss stopped me and told me I need to update something right away, and I was sobbing in complete convulsions and explained to him what happened, I really just wanted to go home but I needed to do an update.
I just sat at my computer in auto mode, I did the update through tears. Then I reached for the phone and called the OB office.
I was very teary and very upset.
I explained to her what had just happened and that I needed to get an appointment asap with the OB, she told me he was on vacation that whole next week, but that she would send me for an ultra sound to make sure everything was expelled, and nothing was remaining. Scheduled me for the first available appointment for him upon his return and a pre-booked HSG for the first day he was doing them.
She also told me there were no records of the ultrasound, that they never received it from the Lab. I asked her how was that possible when the requisition came from that office? and I had called back to make appointments after that and nothing was mentioned about it? what if I had gone through and had an HSG scheduled with that missing ultrasound??? The only answer they gave me was that the lab did not send the results back to them, and only to my general practitioner. That they didn’t have it on file.

What happened to me was an unfortunate clerical mistake.

Fortunately, all the tests came back clear from my uterus, no scaring and no tubal damage.

I took two days off work, and although I could have used more time, I didn’t feel like I could take more than that. I spend the two days lying, crying. SOBBING. Thinking that I had a baby for 9 weeks, and then I didn’t. After years of trying, then nothing.
I felt anger and rage. I felt sorrow and longing. I was in shock and grief. I was just trying to be honest with what I was feeling and knowing that there was nothing I could have done to save him or her.

The following few months, I have spent in what feels like moments of happiness (with my daughter and family) through large time frames of depressed state of morning, loss and nothing. I’ve been struggling.
Every night after work I come home exhausted, my husband goes to get my daughter and I am so grateful for our time together that it is all about her until bedtime. Then, I would crash on the couch. I didn’t want to do anything so I would drown my depression into Netflix series after series. Not talking, just laying there, watching the tv.

I spent some time looking for answers, could I have helped? could I have done anything to prevent it? I should have called and forced answers? I should have called and checked up with the ultrasound…..I would get teary and talk about trying again and what my options really were. I asked close friends for advice, looking for answers.

What are my options?
I can’t do hormone therapy because my risk of a stroke would increase to about 1/500. If I got pregnant again I would need to take progesterone during the first months to help the implantation. I would need to go on heart medication right away as this is what my OB thinks happened, my BP skyrocketed, causing almost like a mini-stroke to miscarry. My body doesn’t do pregnancy well. So, the risk for stroke is even greater with a second pregnancy. Do I really want to risk having this happen? I don’t want to die.
Is it okay to have one child, I mean I know its okay, but will I be okay, will she be okay being an only child? I feel so much guilt about this, it is insane how much guilt I have.

Adoption?
We are very much open to adoption, we wouldn’t be able to afford a closed adoption. We agree that we would love to open-adopt a little boy or girl. When the time is ready for our family, we will most likely adopt. We have read a little bit about the process and have started talking more about this, if you have any information please message me! I’d love to learn more about how this works, the process and how we can start looking into it deeper than we already have.

Why do I say that I’m coming out of the grief stricken depression?
I feel motivated to do things I love again. I’ve made plans to start new things, like roller derby. Something I have wanted to do for years and years. I’ve started to take pleasure in how I look again, wearing make-up when I go out and wearing my jewellery again.
I feel more motivated to be not sitting at night and out doing things, being more active and creative.
I’m writing this, I always come to writing when I need to get things out. It always makes for great therapy.
I know that I will always be sad when I talk about my miscarriage and when I think about it. That will never go away. Its not dark anymore and the fog is lifting, I can smile when I see a pregnant lady and not fake it, I can look at babies not tear up.

I recently came across this post about what not to say to someone who has had a miscarriage http://totallythebomb.com/5-things-not-to-say-to-someone-who-had-a-miscarriage its all true.
The best thing you can do is just say “I’m sorry for your loss, I love you.” Check in from time to time and just be there for them, listen to them talk and just be beside them.

My hope is to open up the dialogue and talk about something that a lot of women don’t talk about enough. Miscarriage, loss, postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, postpartum psychosis, depression, sleep-deprivation, going back to work, trying to work full time while coping, from all sides, from every angle. Not one person is the same and not one person will have the same experience but we can all talk and share and open the communication to help the healing.

I have vowed to start my visual drawing and writing journal again, and I’ll be pleased to share as I go along with that.

In closing, I feel, grief is not a one way street, it is not something you can rush and it can last a very long time, years, but whatever you need to do, talk about it, feel it, and connect with loved ones. Find help if you need to through your doctor. Take time to find things in your daily life that you are grateful for, appreciate the small things. Your life is full of amazing things, just choose to find them.

Today I am grateful for coffee, sleeping-in cuddles with my daughter and kisses from my husband.

XO
Amanda

p.s. Always follow up with your test results, never trust that a doctor will call you. Advocate for yourself and your health.

I had not been able to go to the Photochicks weekend for three years prior to my first year; My first weekend, was also Emma’s first year of Photochicks weekend. We car pooled with our friends Amber and Chelsea, and all the 4-ish hours to Prince Albert County talking about family, life, and Emma’s big secret.

That weekend she came out to us, as a medium and empath. I can understand why she felt so nervous. I don’t know if you know what a medium is, but I was skeptical. I was so skeptical, my insides were in full blown, “ya right, I loves ya, but I think you’re crazy….maybe.”
She talked about how as a child she would have ‘imaginary’ real friends that she would play with, but were really people who had passed on. Growing older she mentions that she spent years of her life struggling with anxiety while trying to suppress and forget about her medium abilities. She goes on to describe that the closer she got back to her mediumship the less anxious she feels. She found and connected with other mediums and joined her Spiritualist Church which helped her exercise her mind and expand upon her spirit and connecting with spirits. She then proclaimed that she would do a group reading for the 12 of us that evening.

I had always been a more spiritual Christian, knowing that and feeling that God is around us and in everything we do, that our ancestors are helping us each day. I grew up with an extended family that used religion as a means of control, ways to judge and condemn.  I knew that religion, in that sense of the literal word, was not for me. I always felt close to God but in my own way. This experience that I was about to have with Emma, gave me the confidence that how I felt about my spirituality and god, was truer than I had ever realized.
As she stood barefoot in front of us, she started off explaining who she is, and what she does. “I am a Medium and an Empath, I feel what spirit feels and this helps me connect with them to share their messages for you.”
She explains that when she connects with spirit, she sees, hears and feels spirit. She explains when she sees the spirit it is in many different forms. Sometimes she can physically see them as if they are sitting next to you; she sees a vision in her mind, almost like looking in a mirror; or the spirit will give her an images almost like a drawing but in her mind.
She goes on to explain the empath part of her gift. She feels spirit in a few different ways; Physically, she can take on how the spirit is feeling. If they are sad, she will feel sad. She may even cry with their sadness. She may even feel like she wants to hug you to express their love for you; Movements, she may also take on some of their movements, if they were a dancer or moved in a certain way, she sometimes will find herself doing that; Characterization, she can physically feel their size, their build, their hair and hands; Clarification, she explains that every time she gets something right from the spirit, she’ll get a tingle down her right hand side where all the hairs stand up on end, and if it is really strong her whole body will do this.

She stood there barefoot and explained all of this information and I’m still skeptical. I’m still thinking, the same “whatever” notion inside my head, not in a rude voice, but a curious one.
Then she explains that she cannot promise to connect with a specific spirit that you are looking to connect with, whomever shows up for you, shows up, and at a group reading, the spirits with the more urgent messages will usually come forward first, so you might not get your message that time.
For the ones that have a spirit show up, it might not be someone you think, could be a friend, or loved ones family member, but the message will always be for you.
Emma stood in front of us, turning and drinking her water, and tuning into the spirits. Closed her eyes, her hands embracing each other, head bowed “they are lining up now.”
I’m going to describe for you the part that only pertains to me with this particular group reading, not that the other connections weren’t meaningful but that is someone else’s business to share and not my story to tell.

Flashing back to the reading that changed everything for me, I will describe this like I’m there in the moment.

I can see Emma walking up and down with her bare feet, strong, pacing and then standing tall. Her eyes are closed as she takes a deep breath, her right hand tucks inside her left and her thumb pinches her thenar space (the space between your index finger and thumb). She is in a meditative stance, the room is quite and she’s breathing deep. She lifts her head and looks out at us. “I am having burning feeling in my throat and I’m finding it hard to breath, it’s something to do with lungs, maybe lung cancer, He’s maybe in his late 50s early 60s and he’s tall, balding, but his hands are rough, they are big, he worked with his hands they are very worn”
My heart sank, could this be my Poppy. “Emma, I can take all of that, I think it’s my Poppy, Gord”
She looks at me and said “my arm just tingled and I know this is for you, but I know you are skeptical so I’m going to ask him for a common place to describe”
She closed her eyes and bowed her head, her hands automatically embracing one another while she squeezes her thenar space, takes a breath, pauses, nods and opens her eyes.
“He is showing me the woods, and rocks like and escarpment, he’s showing me trees by a bungalow, then a path leading up to the bungalow stoop, where you can also walk down beside the house, then hes walking in the front door, off to the front door is a sitting room on the right, but he’s going straight and hes walking straight into a kitchen where it turns slightly to the right where there are glass cupboards overhead, he’s opening the cupboard and pulling something down for you, little figurines, then he’s sitting in a white chair that was right there”

I actually am crying right now typing this, as I cried in that moment.
That was the moment when Emma changed my life. She described my childhood home, and the path one would take to enter my childhood home. It was exactly right, it has changed now but then when I was little and he was there, that is what it was like. Even down to the little glass figurines in the old glass cupboard that I would sneak up to play with.
“Poppy, I exclaimed through tears, I’ve been waiting so long for you”
I’m not going to go into exact details what his message was for me, but I’ll give you the highlights as it was very personal.
When he died, a few days later, I had woken up from a dream and walked out to the kitchen and he was there sitting in a chair, wanting me to sit in another facing him, he motioned me forward. I was walking towards him and he said “Amanda, I want you to give life all you’ve got, and never…..” just as he said “and never” he had stood up to hug me but knocked the chair over and I woke up in my bed. I had been in that place between dreams and asleep where you think you are awake, but you’re still asleep.
During this group reading with Emma, I asked her if I could ask Poppy a question and I asked him what the end of his dream message was for me. Emma closing her eyes and opening said “He wants you to give life all you’ve got and never let what happened to you in your past, affect your future. You need to not carry that forward, you need to let your walls down and let people in. He loves you so much Amanda, I can feel the love and it’s amazing. ”
She had tears in her eyes.
There was a lot more to the message, but alas it was all for me. It gave me closure for sure but also gave me a whole new perspective on life, spirituality and death.
Closing the message, Emma stumbled backward, just like Poppy used to, it was so surreal to see her move like he would have. She opened her eyes and tapped her leg like he used to do when he wanted us to sit on his lap and opened her arms for a hug like he used to do, and hugged me (from him).
I was a mess for a while after that, but so very happy.

I decided in that moment, that my friend Emma, The Barefoot Medium, was a gift. She was and is a gift, she’s the real deal.
This was a few years ago and over the last few years I’ve watched her blossom into her Mediumship, she’s put herself out there more and more, doing one-on-one sessions, group readings and the latest large group readings at a Monigram Rosters Coffee shop in Cambridge.

I’ve had a one-on-one with Emma, where my cousins Mark and Jimmy came to give me a message; She didn’t know specific things about them before the reading, and knew things she couldn’t have known, and my god she’s on point. Jimmy protects my heart and Mark is by my side. The message from that meeting was that things were going to get bumpy but just stay the course and it will be okay. If you want to read some of my past blogs you’ll see how bumpy that time got.
I highly recommend having a one-on-one session with Emma, it is intimate and the messages are more detailed (as the spirit doesn’t want to get too personal at group readings).
We get together for coffee or chat over the Internets, and I cherish my friendship with her. I get excited when she talks about what she’s doing for herself, things she’s doing as an amazing mother and how she’s nurturing her mediumship more and more.

I wrote this post not just as a testament for her, not just as a friend, but as someone that wants to see her shine, to support and share her with the world. There are many mediums out there, even at the spiritualist church which I’ve attended, who are so very talented also, but Emma offers up something unique. True spiritual empathy and connection.  I believe that her ability to connect with spirit will only get that much stronger as she reaches new milestones along her journey.
I’m honored to be her friend and I’m thankful for the gifts she’s shared with me.

If you’d like to follow Emma along with her journey she has a Facebook page you can follow, and I highly recommend doing that, along with booking either a group session, a one-on-one session or attending one of her nights at Monigram roasters.

I’m putting this out there for her, my vision for her is a TV show that followers her to group readings at coffee houses and maybe some one-on-ones, sharing her spiritual guidance and gift with us all.

What truly happens at photochicks, stays at photochicks ;o)
We do always try to go out on a photo walk and this year I found myself only heading out for a little jont. I love being outside, I love the forest. Having grown up in the forest, and now living in the city I miss the sounds of nature. This year we were in a cabin, on the point of a lake, and surrounded by forest. It a was breath-taking, soul enriching location.

I’m nervous about eating around people, I’m also nervous about cooking for people. I think that it has to do with the binge eating disorder, but I always am afraid of what people say about what or when I’m eating. Leading up to the weekend, I have to admit I do get a little nervous about going for those reasons. Once we get there though, the mounds of food (mostly healthy actually) and knowing the ladies aren’t judging me, it gets a little easier each time. I can’t really explain it. I don’t know If they know that about me, but they make it very comfortable, it doesn’t mean the feelings go away, it just means I don’t get them so bad. I do have to confess (as part of the knowing about me and learning about my disorder) I did hide a big chocolate bar in my room where I would sneak off to and eat it through the weekend.  Its something I know now why I did that, but at the time I didn’t really realize what all of that meant. Its embarrassing to put all of this out there, I know I need to turn that embarrassment feeling into self love and compassion.
The food though, is amazing, and everyone takes turns at cooking a meal. We have such talented cooks and I hope that we put together a photochicks cookbook next year. The recipes we come home with are super yummy and usually healthy. This years favorites for me were Kate’s spelt tortillas, Amber’s home-made pasta, Liz’s vegan stew and Christy & Holly’s Mexican night.

I learned about the game ‘cards against humanity’ and ended up buying this game for us for Christmas, I need to find some people to play it with me. It was hilarious fun.

The fellowship part of the weekend is amazing and everyone is loved and cherished. I think it’s unique that we have such an amazing group of ladies that have their own businesses, who would normally see them selves at competing, drop all that bs to love and support one another.
We cheer each other on, we offer up support and advice and we love to see each other succeed.
I love my photochicks. I’m grateful and honored to be a part of them and I’m truly thankful for each one of them in my lives. I don’t take for granted their special relationships and I wish nothing but the best for them every day.
They are my sisters.
To next years weekend, I can’t wait!

Here are some of the more artistic photos I took on my walk:

http://www.amandaleescott.com/project/rock-hard/

http://www.amandaleescott.com/project/essence-of-winter/

I had to hold back tears as I walked into the emergency waiting room doors; the vision of my parents, exhausted and worried, cuddling my very sick girl was just the right amount to tug at my heart strings. They looked completely emotionally and physically spent, I only then, in that moment realized how old they are becoming. I hugged them and lifted up my baby girl, my father went to help my husband with the car seat, while mom and I went over everything the doctor did and said.
He said she just had a cold/flu and gave her a 15min ventolin mask, said she should be feeling better in a few days and to give her tylonal and advil. I asked my mother if they checked out her ears, nose, mouth. She couldn’t really remember, and I couldn’t really get upset at that, as it was 4am (and she was super sick too). I knew though that the only time my daughter ever gets a fever is if she’s cutting a tooth or an infection, but I couldn’t argue with the doctor because they were already discharged.

I am so grateful we have healthy grandparents for our daughter and that they care for her better than they cared for me (they cared for my brother and I very well, so that’s a statement how amazing they are with her and for her). We packed her up in the car and said good-bye to my parents as they had an hour drive back to their home and we had a two hour drive back to ours.

The ventolin treatment made sure our daughter was wide awake the whole way home. We stopped half way and got a popsickle for her, as grandma had promised her one and coffee for us. By 6pm we were back in Guelph and looking for a pharmacy that was open for children’s Tylonal and Advil (because of the rush situation my parents didn’t pack any bags and didn’t have any of our daughters belongings with them at the hospital, which was our tylonal and advil included). We learned something very important; Guelph does not have a 24 hour pharmacy. The closest 24 hour pharmacy was in kitchener/waterloo about 45mins away. Next best thing was figuring out what was open 24 hours; one store, the Metro grocery store across town and hopefully they didn’t lock up the children’s advil and tylonal section of the pharmacy. It was open, the pharmacy was closed but they didn’t lock up the childrens tylonal and advil, thank heavens. Got some tylonal into her but had to wait 2 hours for advil. Her fever was skyrocketing again by 8 am.

At 8am I gave her advil as her temp was 103.1, the tylonal wasn’t working and hopefully the advil would work. My doctors office opened up at 9 and I called them to make an appointment for her to be seen, as she shouldn’t have high, high fevers like this specially when I’m giving her Tylonal and Advil. They fit us in at about 2pm that day.

By the time her appointment came around she was very fevered and very lethargic. Our Dr knew right away something was up, as our daughter didn’t wake when she came in the room and the door slammed behind her. She did a temp check and it was back up to 39.4 (103). She examined her ears, throat and lungs. She told us it was an ear infection in her right ear and also the cold/flu virus. Exhale, I knew it. I was so thankful for our dr, we got the prescription for the antibiotics, and were on our way. We got home, gave her more tylonal and advil, and her first dose of the antibiotics.

As the weekend came around her fever was still present. By Monday evening it was back up to 101, and although that wasn’t too too high it was high enough for me to be a little concerned. At this point my cold was full on and I felt completely horrible, I couldn’t breath and my sinuses were inflamed and in pain. I spent the day at work barely able to talk, and the excruciating pain left people not coming to close.

That next morning; I wolk up feeling even worse and knew I wouldn’t be going into work, called in sick. My daughter wolk up with a fever and I gave her her antibiotics, advil tylonal and she looked okay, I dropped her off at her home daycare so I could go home and sleep. By 9 my daycare provider called me and told me she was looking horrible and getting lethargic and fevered again. I called the drs office and the earliest they could fit us in was 11:30am. I went and picked her up and brought her to our doctors.

Sitting in the drs waiting room, my daughter asleep and high fevered again, I really felt bad for my daughter. I felt hopeless. Here she is trusting me to make her feel better and I just couldn’t do it. The antibiotics obviously weren’t working or something else was going on. We got back to the examining room, the dr saw us and knew I was having a hard time from the tears welling up in my eyes. I couldn’t really talk as I was so sick, I couldn’t really explain other than “she’s still really sick, high fever isn’t going away.”
She re-examined her and told me her ear infection has actually gotten worse and the antibiotics weren’t working. She examined me next and told me it was a sinus infection. She also said that we both now had the cold/flu and we needed as much liquids as we could have and rest. We were sent home with a new antibiotic and relief that this would help my baby girl.

1pm I gave her the new antibiotics and by 2 she had started to develop some redness in her cheeks, by 4:30-5pm it was a full on rash and fever, it was clear she was having a reaction to the new antibiotics. We rushed over to our after hours clinic across town, only to discover that it was moved up to mid-town. Once we got there we were about 4th in line to be seen. She was lethargic, fevered and sleeping on me. When the dr came in, and we filled him in on everything from the emergency visit, the two doctors visits with the first antibiotic not working and the now possible reaction to the new one. He did a full examination on her, with her screaming from not wanting to wake up.  He confirmed it was a reaction to the new antibiotics and it would take some time to be fully out of her system, to watch for her airways constricting or any other signs of reactions. He also gave us a NEW antibiotic for her ear infection that has now gotten “pretty ugly”. He also re-examined me and confirmed the sinus infection and gave me a prescription for antibiotics to be filled for Friday if I wasn’t better by then, and a doctors note for the next day of work.

We got her home, gave her the new antibiotics and put her to bed in my bed. We slept the whole night and morning till about 8. Her normal wakeup time is 5:30 so this was great for her to get as much sleep as she could. We spend the day relaxing in the living room, on the couch watching movies, I layed down as much as I could. It finally felt like I could exhale, she seemed like she was getting better and that made me feel less guilty about everything.

About 2pm I was laying on the couch having just finished my ‘cold 911’ Davids Tea  and I felt something hard on my tooth with my tongue. I reached in and out popped a part of my tooth and some of my filling from one of my molars. Pain ensued. Are you kidding me? Really?
I was on the verge of tears as I dialed the dentists office, explaining to them that I’d lost some of my filling and could they fix me. They couldn’t fix me but could assess me and come up with a treatment plan. Whatever, I’d take it, I was very thankful they would fit me in. So, I had to wake my husband up early and had a quick shower, brushed my teeth really good, which I then realized OWE, the nerve was exposed.

By the time I got to the dentists office I was a complete mess. I walked in with full on tears, and I hear “Hi Amy.” Are you kidding me? I piped up “NO, its AMANDA, Amy was my husbands first wife’s name.” As she laughed it off I was not impressed “Its not funny” I proclaimed in full on messy, sobbing, convulsing tears.

I wasn’t crying about her calling me Amy for the millionth time, or the painful tooth loss, I wasn’t crying about being sick or my sinus pain, I wasn’t crying about my daughter being super sick, I wasn’t crying about the water main break or the front yard a bloody mess, I wasn’t crying about the broken furnace or carbon monoxide leaking, I wasn’t crying about starting the new years off with the flu, I wasn’t crying about the broken computer or loss of files, I wasn’t crying about the caved in roof or the leaks, I wasn’t crying about being diagnosed with an eating disorder or binge eating, I wasn’t crying about my broken car or the lack of fixing it, I wasn’t crying because of one single thing; I was crying about it all. Right there, right then, in there, in the middle of the dentists waiting room, I cried. I wept tears and sobbed. I feel bad for the guy who walked right in and sat down staring at me not saying a word. I just cried. I continued to cry when the dental hygienist examined me, and when the dentist looked at my tooth, I cried while they took ex-rays of my teeth. I just cried. I couldn’t help it at all. It was actually making me feel a little better.
The dentist said the rest of my teeth look good, he put some de-sensitizing agent on the hole which shot pain right up my nerve and made an appointment for me in a few weeks (the earliest I could get in there).
I had stopped crying by the time I needed to pay, proclaiming my full name, in case she forgot again, paid my bill and left.

As I drove home, completely emotionally spent, I realize that all I really needed was a good cry and I just needed to pick myself back up.  All that we’ve dealt with are things we can deal with. It is stressful for sure, its hard, yes! We can get through these things and I am grateful for that.
I know that we are a loving family, we care for one another and we’ll just buckle down and move on. I have amazing friends who love and care for me and would help me at the drop of a hat. We’ll do the best we can and try to have as much fun as we can doing it.

As I drove in the driveway, I just wanted to sleep, I knew I needed to go to work the next day and I knew I needed to just be still for a while and rest. When I opened the door I hear this little voice, “MOMMY YOU’RE HOME!”
My daughter screams smiling, running directly towards me. “I LOVE YOU MOMMY” and a huge hug.
It doesn’t get any better than that and I am truly grateful.
“I love you too, hunny bear”

We had two vehicles, but near the end of last summer the vehicle we actually own, my beastie car, broke down. It was overheating when we would drive it across town, and wouldn’t make it back unless it had time to cool off. The head gasket was blown and it would have cost us about $2,000.00 to fix it, at the time we didn’t have it and we still don’t, so because we have another vehicle we just basically use the beast for short runs close to home. Which come April it will not past inspection, and we’ll have to sell it for parts. Well, the battery was dead come Thursday morning and of course we needed to move it for the big dig, so here we are -15, trying to boost my beastie, I’m late for a cardiologist appointment and the excavator needs to start digging.  We get the cars hooked up, and I turn the car, nothing. Excavator who is now helping us “did you push in the clutch?”
“oh right…” Pushed in the clutch turn it over and voila we have success.
Backed the vehicles out of the driveway and I am there long enough to capture a few shots of them starting the dig before leaving to my cardiologists.

About the end of August, just after our summer vacation,  I went to the hospital with acute chest pain, arm tingling, headache, dizziness/vertigo, light-headed. When I got to the hospital my BP was 140/89 and my resting pulse was 129. Normally my BP is 120/70 and my resting pulse is around 80. I waiting for 6 hours before being seen, apparently they called my name earlier but I didn’t hear them. I find that odd as I was sitting right next to the door for the emerge triage room. So, I think they mixed up the papers. The Guelph General Emerge room, is always packed and there is always HUGE wait times. The nurses there are amazing, with the odd grouch here and there. They got me back into a room and my pulse and BP was still up, same with the pain. I got very dizzy and was thankful for the bed. They did every test they could, and everything looked okay, they gave me a bunch of fluids and my pulse came down. I still had the pain in my chest and vertigo but all the tests told the doctors I wasn’t anything major, it wasn’t a heart attack or a stroke, but he was referring me to a cardiologist. So, sitting in the hospital for over 11 hours didn’t result in any answers; except I wasn’t having a heart attack or a stroke.

The cardiologist appointment on the day of the dig, was the final of two others; one for a stress test and one for a echo-cardiogram. This was the consult where he would tell me what was going on. Which I found out, I have no plague in my arteries, and my heart is great and healthy. Its 100% not heart related. I asked him about the pain and sometimes when it skips a beat, if that could be related to my ‘monthly visitor’ and he couldn’t comment on that as he knows there is some research but not enough to be conclusive. I also asked him if the nausea, headaches, dizziness etc could be the results of carbon monoxide poisoning. He said yes it definitely could, and went on to explain how. So, that was good, nothing major going on with my heart. He explained that it is most likely muscular and follow up with my dr.

After my appointment I swung around and checked out how the dig was going, and to pickup a charging cord for my phone (I had forgotten to charge it over night). There was already a deep hole, a trench about 6 feet deep being dug and I realized then, this was going to be way messier than I had imagined.
I left for work feeling a little exhausted and tired, fighting a cold all week and I wasn’t going to let it get the best of me.

My husband sent me a few photos as the day progressed and as they hit the mid point of the project we found the source of the leak. I huge hole right at the connection to the city water. I immediately got on the phone and called Guelph’s water works department and was connected with Bryce. I wanted to know if there was any way the city would cover some or all of the costs as it was right at the connection, and he assured me that it was still on my property. I cried. I didn’t understand how the hole being at the city connection was our’s to fix. He also assured me that fighting the issue wasn’t going to result in anything positive. I just sat in my office chair and cried while I edited web pages.

The job went pretty quickly after that, they managed to break the bell line so they had to wait for the bell and city inspector before filling in the hole. Everything was approved, bell has to wait for spring to fix the line so we’re patched into our neighbors for now. The plumbing was fixed, the hole filled in and we had water.

When I got home, I had the longest hottest shower I ever had. My yard was torn up, my basement resembled an episode on the horders tv show, my daughter was at my parents home and I felt guilty as she was sick with a cold and we were completely over broke with debt. I sobbed in the shower, just sobbed. In order to have a positive attitude through this all, I needed to feel my feelings and just let them all out, deal with them and move on. Put a smile on my face and just be thankful for everything we have, which I am truly grateful for.

That night I went to sleep via Neo-Citron and it was clear I had the same cold Sophia had. I got a call at 2am from my mother. “You’re daughter has a fever of 104 and I’ve just given her Tylonal and Advil, I’m bringing her home to you.” I was in a complete daze.
“Mom, what are you talking about I’m 3 hours away from you, you need to take her to a hospital, take her temperature again”
“Its 104.3 now (40.17)”
“Mom, that is the highest its ever been, shes not responding to the Advil and Tylonal, she’s lethargic you need to take her to the Owen Sound Hospital, We’ll meet you there”

My husband and I through a tired daze, quickly got dressed and headed upon the longest 2 hour drive (to date) we’d ever had as parents. We held hands the whole way and just prayed.

All I could manage to say was “Well, at least the dig is over”

I really had a chaotic fall season; full of busy parenting days watching our child grow, taking her to dance classes and swimming. Immersing her in community events and watching her personality shine through, we were hoping for some downtime. The start of the extreme chaos I would say, was that early fall morning when I came into her room thinking; “Wow. She peed right in the middle of the floor and all over her stool, how on earth did she do that?”
Then I felt it. Tap. Tap. Tap. On the back of my head, water dripping around to my face. I look up and tap, right in my forehead. Water dripping through the ceiling and down her beautiful chandelier. Ensue panic mode, as we just had torrential rains and more on the way. After a few days of panic, phone calls, having my father pop down from two hours away. It was decided the roof was toast and at the back of the house, the roof actually was caving in. Wow. okay, so off to the bank to try and secure some finances to fix this. Knowing full well we live paycheck to paycheck and have quite a bit of consumer debt and having just taken out a loan for a used pop up trailer and gear (that past spring…wanting to give our daughter the amazing nature experiences), this was going to be a stretch. So, after getting approved from a friend who is a banker, we sat through contracting quotes and chose one we had a good feeling about, had great reviews on the better business bureau and had great references. They came, rather quickly and tarped off the roof for us. Am Roofing came a week later and replaced the back half of the roof and re-shingled etc the whole thing.

We realized it was going to be tough financially but we could make it and continued on through our fall plans, finishing up shooting a wedding, family shoots and enjoying the time watching Sophia explore her world.

Later that fall, as I descended into the basement to edit photos, the computer would not turn on. As I sat there in holy shit mode, I frantically prayed, “please turn on, please god, please spirits around me, please turn on the computer, make it work, please, I beg you, not now, please, we have one wedding almost finished editing and we have a whole series of mini-sessions to put into the computer, please please please….PLEASE TURN ON”
No such luck. After taking it to Futureshop’s geek squad, they told us the hard drive was toast, and when they put the new hard drive in we discovered our time machine backup drive was also toast. WTF. What is a time machine backup drive? it is all the files on the computer, our edits, our actions everything backed up on a separate hard drive. It now was gone too. We lost months of editing work. We could try and take it to Recovery Force, but it could cost up to $500 which we didn’t have. We had all of our clients raw files backed up on TWO external hard drives, and for the latest mini-sessions we had shot, they were still on cards. So, we were okay that way, we didn’t loose any client files. We needed a new computer right away and one that was powerful enough to edit, and so we had to finance with a Futureshop card, paying a low monthly fee to not pay for a year. Great, more debt. With contracts and a business to run, we really couldn’t go without a computer. Because we purposely didn’t shoot a lot of weddings to spend more time creating memories with our daughter this past summer, our business account was drained.

Heading into the holiday season, my favorite time of year, we knew it was going to be a skimpy Christmas for sure. We spend the holidays back and forth between family and getting our cuddles in with our daughter. We were very much in the mindset that the new year would bring better fortune.

While all of this was going on, My husband and I went to some counselling together, for me. I was really struggling with my body image and I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t sick to the eating plan I had for myself. Why, when I did loose 40lbs I didn’t feel any different about my inner-self and quickly gained back all of the weight. I wanted to know what was wrong with me. Our therapist was very good and talked to me about things I’d never talked about, she made me look at how I use food. To cut this story a bit shorter, it turns out that I have an eating disorder, binge eating disorder. It is not something that I knew, or was aware of, but as I’m learning about it I’ve realized that I need to be more compassionate towards myself. I will always be ‘recovering’ and never ‘recovered’ as my drug is something my body needs to survive. I’m reading about the emotional relationships between food and people. I’m applying a few techniques that the therapist has helped me with. The biggest mantra “All food is good” this mantra, after a lifetime of dieting, isn’t something that is easily digestible. Sure, there are foods that are more beneficial via nutrients and healthy but realizing that “all food is OK” has really struck a cord deep in me. It’s an on going battle, and I’m learning.

Then the flu hit me. It started off with a terrible head cold, and then for two days I was bed ridden with my body aching and shivering. I couldn’t get warm, my throat and sinuses were killing me and all I wanted was some relief and sleep. How could this be? I had the flu shot. I managed to drag myself out of the house to join my family and friends for new years fireworks downtown. It took me a few days after that to start coming around to feeling better.

The night of January 10th, I was about to take a shower and realized there was no heat coming from the air vents, “Hun, can you check to see if the pilot light is out on the furnace?”
Mid shower, I hear my dear hubby explaining the belt is broken on the motor and he was headed out to get a new one. I cut the shower short and got dressed, Sophia already asleep in bed, I sat on the couch waiting to hear from my dear husband. Canadian Tire was closed, even though it said online and on their phone that it was open, Home Depot was closed, Walmart was open but didn’t stock the right size belt. Panic. It was going to be -22 and the temperature in the house was dropping. We had one little space heater which I turned on and pointed into my daughters room, and lit all the candles in the livingroom. We have reliance coverage for a reason, so I called them as my husband drove over to a friends house to pick up a belt that might fit. Reliance couldn’t send anyone to our house that evening, all the techs were busy on calls around our area and most likely would be working into the wee hours of the morning. Not good. My husband came home with the belt from our friends and it was too big. Super Panic Mode. What do we do? Thankfully our friends who gave us the belt to try also had an inferred heater, which we went out and picked up and it saved us. It heated the whole upper floor of the house. That next morning my husband went out to Canadian Tire to get the right size belt he needed, while he was gone the Reliance tech came. He was very professional and almost a bit cold at first but that is because he was pretty busy examining and looking at the 35 year old beast of a furnace we had. Jason came back with the right size belt and they got the furnace working. Now, thank god we called Reliance. He finished his exam of the now working furnace to tell us the heat pump was cracked and it was leaking Carbon Monoxide at 13ppm into our house. WTF. We had two carbon monoxide monitors in the house, one by the furnace and one upstairs by our bedrooms. None of which picked up on the leak. I just cried. I wept really. He had to legally shut our furnace down. My husband and I looked at each other white faced, How on earth are we going to afford this? What if we hadn’t had called Reliance and the leak got bigger? We’d be dead. I was just done. Emotionally done. The tech kindly explained that a man named Glen would be coming tomorrow on a Sunday just for us, as this was the winter and it was an “emergency”. Glen was really a lifesaver. He came in, very polite and personable. While he was talking all I could think was, how? how are we going to afford this? Renting would be our only option. Renting/financing would be our only way. I got approved for the financing and I don’t know how. They gave us credits to cover a few months of payment and hopefully we can get a few rebates ($650) from Ontario Hydro. When we do have to start paying, I’m really not sure how we’ll be able to. Once approved, they came out and installed the new furnace system, it came with an air conditioning unit (as we only had a heat pump and it was broken) and yeah, the silver lining, we’ll have air conditioning this summer. They installed it that Monday. I was shocked and surprised at how quickly everything happened, I’m still in shock.

While the technicians from Reliance were installing the furnace, one of them noticed a sound coming from our main water supply. He told my husband it sounded like it was leaking outside and to get the city into look at it. So, after they left, that Tuesday morning my husband called the City Water Works department and Bryce came out to look at everything. Turns out there is a leak. The leak is on our side of the hook-up. It is our responsibility to get fixed and we needed to get it fixed asap. How can this be happening? What are we going to do? I was in tears, sobbing tears, shock, and tears. I even thought, who had cursed us? who would wish this upon us? We have no money left, we are beyond our ceiling of debt load to which we’ll never really be able to pay back, and neither one of us can afford another loan. What. Do. We. DO?
We had a few good stress arguments at which we were getting divorced, only to really realize, yeah its the stress and we really do love each other. We needed to start looking at contractors because maybe just maybe it won’t be that expensive and miracles do happen. The first quote came in $7,900.00.
I froze when my husband told me, I was at work. I then tried to compose myself while trying not to cry. I think it came out like a whimper, wail. When I came home that night, my husband picked up our daughter from daycare, tv was her parent that night as we sat at the kitchen table in complete dismay.
Why us? What are we going to do? What? How? Where? All the questions we just sat, our heads spinning, and he says “We’re going to have to use my RRSP’s, I don’t have a lot in there, but we’re going to have to pull out the max and that is barely going to cover the contractor. We won’t have anything left to fix the driveway, the front yard, the walkway, everything will just be dirt”
I hung my head and whispered “Ok, it’s our only option left”
We went down the YellowPages for plumbers in our area and called them all. Most couldn’t do excavating or a project this big. We eventually found 5 quotes. We picked one on Friday; “Bob’s your Plumber” and he comes highly recommended, no dings on the better business bureau, and when we went to the city to fill out our permits for the work, they said “oh that’s Bob, just write down Bob, he’s great”.
Over this past weekend, my mother and father came and got our daughter and are looking after her for the week. She loves going with them and they’ll spoil her and take her to play with her cousin. Thank god for them, I don’t think we’d be good parents this week, no water, basement tore apart and front lawn and driveway dug up.

The water got shut off yesterday at noon, as the contractor wanted a good day for the water to drain away before digging. They start digging tomorrow.

My husband and I are more somber these days, more compassionate with one another, either through lack of energy or just being whipped into submission by life. Maybe its the realization we have no idea how were going to afford everything.
We realize though, that all of these things are happening for a reason.
Had the roof not leaked on my head, it could have caved in shortly after creating more damage. Had I not looked for answers for myself, I would have binge ate my way through the last few months (although sometimes I have, the frequency is far less). Had the stores been open and we replaced the belt on the furnace ourselves, we would have never known about the leaking death, and the unimaginable could have happened. Had we not had the reliance tech installing the new system say to us, get that sound checked out, we’d never known about the water main leak and far worse could have happened.

I know that moving forward through the chaos, there lies the silver lining, the positive in every situation, we will be ok. I am putting it out there that all goes amazing and everything gets fixed to plan and approved!

I pray that things now move upwards and forward and only great amazing things ahead, that I and we attract positiveness and kindness.

I and we, are grateful to all who have helped us and support(ed) us and all that we have received. I pray for exceptional wellness not only for myself but my husband and daughter, my family and friends. On to better luck, love and good fortune.

Hugs and Loves

You have an amazing sense of self and what you want and how you want it. I pray you never lose that. I watch you as you build your castles and play in the sand; you are committed to creating something magnificent each and every time.

You love to be on the move, and sometimes I get a little short as I’m much older and don’t have as much energy as you do. For that I am sorry. You run from task to task and make little zippy noises that I can only assume you get from me ;o) Why be silent when you can be totally enthralled with what you are doing?

Today not only celebrates your 3rd birthday but also the transition from toddler hood into preschool years. You are so excited for school next year, that this year you thought you were going, you packed your backpack and everything. It broke my heart to tell you, sorry one more year!

As you grow, I wish for you peace and compassion. May you learn compassion not only for others but for yourself, let yourself keep trying things over and over and over without getting too discouraged. May you continue to be filled with joy in all that you do and know that your father and I love you so much.  

You will always be our baby girl. xo