It’s a living!

Cover letters are old fashioned. Nobody likes reading them, and nobody likes writing them. Instead, they should be replaced with any of the following:

Your Favorite Recipe
Include your recipe in front of your resume, such your favorite chocolate chip cookies. The recruiter will then bake the cookies and have the staff sample them. Granted, some postings get hundreds of applicants, but this guarantees a well-fed staff. Plus you can create more openings if there’s a nut allergy.

A Photograph of a Horse
You can learn a lot about a person by the type of horse they choose. A strong, industrious horse? Hard worker. A sleek, agile horse? Fast learner. Perhaps the applicant is in the photograph riding a horse, which tells your potential employer, “Hire me, I have access to a horse.”

A Picture of You in the Future, Working at the Company
By providing physical evidence of you getting the job, the recruiter will have no choice but to hire you for fear of tearing a hole in the spacetime continuum and creating a singularity in the middle of their HQ.

Enjoy your new careers, everyone!

I’ve heard people say that the first person to live to be 150 is alive today. I wonder who it is? Could it be YOU?? Nope, it’s probably not you or me, it’s probably somebody who has never been irradiated by a computer screen for hours at a time or had their phone shoot electronic signals through their brains and crotches all day. It’s likely someone living on a mountain, farming vegetables and filling their days with honest work and relaxing time with loved ones. Psh! What a boring 150 years!!

The oldest person ever lived to be 122. I don’t know how it feels to be alive for that long, but it must begin to blur together by the last few decades. “Sure, I’m 150, but I don’t feel a day over 125!”

Though what’s more likely is that by that time we’ll be able to upload our brains to the cloud instead of dying and we’ll all get jobs as a spam filters on bodybuilding forums. And I can’t wait.

wes

Hey! Since we have a bunch of other projects in the pipeline these days, our update schedule is all over the place. So we’re doing what we should have done a long time ago and making a mailing list, seen in green above. We don’t want to spam you so we will only email when there is a new comic… or whenever we find an AMAZING deal on penis enlargement pills.

Also, for funsies we’ll put additional bonus junk in the emails, like rejected comics or an inside look at the glamorous life of making jokes for the internet. What a deal!

Dude, everyone knows you’re high. The guy behind the counter at the deli, the girl walking her dog, everyone. Even the dog knows. In fact, your mom just called to say that she knows you’re high.

And I have bad news. You’re going to feel like this FOREVER. You will never not be high. You won’t be normal again, and everyone is going to know you are high. Forever.

Oh, and that realization you just had is totally true. Yeah, last week when your two friends showed up at the restaurant at the same time, it wasn’t a coincidence, they were hanging out without you. Because they hate you.

You know what you should do? You should text your friends and ask them if they hate you. Then you should call your mom and tell her you aren’t high. Then you should cry because this is forever.

But first, pizza.

wes