ambericaonline

inboxes after online window shopping

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 02:13:00 +0000

What's on TV?

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Wed, 25 Jan 2023 22:52:00 +0000

Launching in 2023: A new public access game show channel featuring fun games like:

Spin The Wheel Johnson
Who Wants To Be A Turtle?
Guess How Many Centimeters This Product Is
Let’s Make A Potato
Jeff Or No Jeff
Singer Singer Spinach Eater (where contestants eat a bowl of spinach then sing in front of a national audience)
In The Woods The Longest
So You Think Your Mom’s
Behind This Curtain
Hospital Hoedown
And more!

Tune in every Thursday at 2:30 a.m. Greenland time. It’s a winner!

📬

Do you want content like this showing up in your mailbox -- like U.S. Postal Service mailbox -- a few times a year? If so, then have I got the newsletter for you.

From the authors of ambericaonline.com comes The Daily Dodger, a print newsletter that anyone can sign up for! Simply email thedailydodger [at] gmail.com with your physical mailing address, and then wait!

The Daily Dodger contains:

articles!
pictures!
puzzles!
at least one sheet of paper front and back!

"Just Cabbage": An interview with Amber Hollingsworth

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Tue, 26 Jan 2021 23:07:00 +0000

We're here today with Amber Hollingsworth, author of the new game-changing cookbook, Just Cabbage, which introduces readers to a world of recipes composed of just cabbage.

Amber, tell us, what inspired you to write this book?

A: Well, I was looking at a cabbage and thought, "This is food." I considered adding other ingredients to the recipes but why make things more difficult than they need to be? Just eat the cabbage.

Without giving away the whole book, how many different ways are there to eat a cabbage?

A: Gosh, almost endless. You can cut it up, you can bite into it like a big apple. Peel it. I mean those are just three ways off the top of my head right now.

Some might say your methods here are unorthodox. Flipping through this book, it's mostly just pictures of a cabbage, sometimes a rather amateur drawing of a cabbage, and a few lines of text saying things like "Go ahead and eat the cabbage." What do you say to your critics who claim this actually isn't a cookbook at all?

A: I would say I printed a bunch out and you can pick one up from my house if you email me ahead of time. How is that not a cookbook?

Thank you for joining us.

Just Cabbage is now available in paper (not paperback -- it has no covers) by emailing amberhollingsworthjustcabbagecookbook@realcookbooks.biz.

iOS 14.2, an exhibit

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Tue, 17 Nov 2020 18:03:00 +0000

The ambericaonline gallery welcomes iOS 14.2, a series by phone artist Amber Hollingsworth that explores the relationship between the temporary, the permanent, the self, and a wedge of cheese under a box. Showing now through whenever the internet goes away.

Touched by the Majesty of Nature

Olive Surprise

Can't Fool a Giraffe

Where Pita Bread Comes From

Visiting a Friend

Contact the artist for a price sheet. You'll probably be pleasantly surprised.

Really cool ending for a courtroom-style TV show

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Mon, 09 Nov 2020 16:18:00 +0000

(Free to use, just put my name in the credits please.)

[20 minutes of regular court stuff happens, like detectives walking around a murder scene, an investigation in a little cement room where someone slaps the table, the prosecutor is a real asshole, the defense lawyer is flawed but her heart's in the right place, and we forgive her flaws because we saw some of the things she's dealt with over her lifetime in some previous episodes, etc.]

Just as the Judge is about to bang her gavel, a woman in a suit and heels runs in and whispers into the Defense Lawyer's ear.

DEFENSE LAWYER

"Your honor, I've just received some new information that will basically blow all of your socks off."

PROSECUTOR, looking super bitchy

"Objection!"

JUDGE

"Ignored! I want to hear this new information. And it better be good -- I was just about to do my favorite part of my job." Points to gavel.

DEFENSE LAWYER

"Oh, it is. You saw how fast my assistant ran in here. She wasn't just asking what I want on my Jimmy Johns sub."

Looks at jury, jury smiles and nods their heads, they are hungry too. Defense lawyer winks.

PROSECUTOR

"Your honor! I saw that."

JUDGE, real fast

"Losersayswhat?"

PROSECUTOR

"What?"

Jury laughs, Judge winks. Prosecutor is all pissed off now.

JUDGE

"I'm just kidding. I like to have a little fun in my court. Anyway, tell us this news!"

DEFENSE LAWYER

"Your honor, I just received word that my client couldn't possibly have committed the crime in question. You see, my client DIED three weeks ago! He is a ghost!"

Everyone gasps, one juror drops her Jimmy Johns sub.

PROSECUTOR

"This is outrageous! I can see the defendant right there!"

DEFENSE LAWYER

"Oh, CAN you?" Gestures to defendant, who starts to go see-through.

PROSECUTOR

"But..."

Quick flashback to different scenes in the show. We realize the defendant hasn't said a word in three weeks, but we just thought it was because he was sad.

Judge is about to bang her gavel again.

PROSECUTOR, furiously looking through her notes

"WAIT! You said he died three weeks ago. Well the murder happened three weeks and one day ago! Just because he's dead doesn't mean he didn't do the murder!"

Jurors raise their eyebrows like "good point." Defense lawyer is caught off guard, starts looking through her notes for a calendar, looks over at assistant who is standing by the door. Assistant shrugs.

JUDGE

"Dang it, you guys! It doesn't even matter! The law says you can't convict a ghost because they would just slide right through the prison bars!"

Everyone looks back at the defendant, who is now disappearing through the wall with a pretty guilty look on his face. Defense lawyer is like "omg did he do it??" to herself. But she's pretty sure he didn't -- maybe he was just feeling guilty about not telling anyone he died earlier. It's hard to read ghosts' expressions.

DEFENSE LAWYER, to Prosecutor

"I guess no one wins this case. Though, I win it a little bit more than you because my guy is free."

Prosecutor pushes folders off the table and storms out, more pissed than ever.

JUDGE, banging gavel (finally)

"I declare this trial SO WEIRD." Jury chuckles a little bit.

FINAL SCENE

The Defense Lawyer is at the local bar with her assistant and some other people from the office. The bartender hands her her drink, and she accidentally brushes his hand with hers when she reaches for it.

DEFENSE LAWYER

"Whoa, your hand is so cold!"

She looks up at the bartender and he is the ghost from earlier. He winks at her.

THE END

i am but a vessel

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Fri, 30 Oct 2020 17:11:00 +0000

last night, i was within 12 blocks of a taco bell and my stomach was already a mess, which can't be considered anything other than "a sign."

so i pulled into the drive-thru, got my meal, and parked in the relatively empty parking lot. i was a few bites in when a car weirdly pulled up behind mine, angled slightly to the left but with its headlights pointed toward my side mirror. the car stopped and... just sat there.

at first i thought they must be counting their fire sauce packets or checking to make sure the chips weren't fried in the same fryer as the cinnamon twists, giving them that unsettling yet intriguing sweet crunch. but they sat there long enough to do both and then some. again, this was a mostly empty lot -- i was parked in a spot, but the car was just behind me, waiting, running, with the headlights on.

it was then i realized i may die here, and while i wasn't ready to go, i had to admit, that would've been pretty classic amber. me, halfway through a beefy 5-layer supreme, mariah carey's greatest hits on high vol, googling "carrot parrot" to see if anyone had made a carrot look like a parrot yet (they have). i wouldn't have died doing what i love, but you could say i died doing exactly what i wanted. and that's a form of love.

eventually the car drove off and i lived to tell you about it (even after finishing the beefy 5-layer supreme). but in that moment, i learned something that i'll carry with me for the rest of my life:

ABR.

Always Be Ready.

/Add Beans + Rice.

we don't get to decide when we go, but we do get to live in a way that won't leave us filled with regret/will leave us filled with beans and rice. and i'm starting to think i was put within 12 blocks of a taco bell with pre-diarrhea last night for a reason -- to share this story, and this revelation, with you.

ABR.

-amber

to bee or not to bee: a question

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Sun, 25 Oct 2020 06:31:00 +0000

do you ever forget to post to your blog for like years? that's ok. it doesn't mean anything bad about you, we've all just been busy. busy busy little bees. buzzing around to our flowers (cubicles) and collecting pollen (emails) to turn into honey (money). and as soon as we've got just enough honey to see us through the winter, some asshole in a big white suit and gloves comes and takes it from us. back to the flowers it is.

but this post isn't about bees, though i did do some fascinating research on buzzaboutbees.net/beeswax.html. did you know insert bees fact here? crazy, huh?

no, this post is about art, and why a person might do it sometimes but not others, and if that's ok or not. i mean, the world is dang hard, so just do what you can i say. but also what if you're SUPPOSED to make things for the world -- what if there's a REASON you're who you are right now right here? ::accidentally makes jerk-off gesture instead of gesturing toward entire world, realizes it about mid-way through first pump but it's too late, can't transition from that gesture to the world gesture -- that would look way worse, so completes jerk-off gesture and keeps talking like meant to all along::

and what if the reasons you give for not creating stuff are exactly the reasons the man in the big white suit wants you to give, because it works better for him if you just keep sending emails sending emails sending emails while he takes your money?

what if the ONLY way to live in the kind of world ::makes correct gesture this time, good job:: you want to live in is to MAKE stuff, not as a bee but as a human bee-ing. [god this presentation is going so well.]

look i don't really know for sure, but i think maybe that's true and that is why i am writing this blog post. and i'm gonna keep writing blog posts until i figure it out, and then i'll let ya know. so thank you and i love you, and i'll see you back here again soon.

how am i supposed to remember this?

in the market

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Tue, 03 Dec 2019 21:33:00 +0000

Amber L. Hollingsworth

Humble woman who wishes to make woolen socks for the village

Dear companion,

I have heard of your need for an employee. I hope my desire to provide for the village and my strong, reliable forearms make me worthy of your review.

My family are good people – not proud – and you may often find them toiling alongside me til sunset.

While I have no official experience making woolen socks, I am patient, and I will learn.

Most importantly, I will raise my sheep with care.

The socks will not be good at first. But I ask you for this opportunity: Provide the sheep, and a sturdy table to work upon, and I shall produce socks of increasing quality until all the villagers are satisfied, their feet dry and protected.

This is my application. I vigilantly await your response.

Simply,
Amber L. Hollingsworth

What happens when you stop checking Facebook as often:

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Fri, 03 May 2019 22:55:00 +0000

Facebook gets desperate.

Trad's Journey

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Tue, 12 Jun 2018 20:18:00 +0000

We catch Trad at the end of the first day of his journey. He's pushing a 15' pie chart down a lonely country road. We don't know where he came from, or where he's going, but we do know one thing: This is important to him.

Day 2: Trad's on a roll. He woke up feeling refreshed, it's a beautiful day, and he can take advantage of the highway's long gradual declines. He passes a woman pushing a similar (identical?) pie chart the opposite way. She's struggling (she's on the incline), but Trad doesn't have time to stop. Not now. Things are really moving along now.

Day 3: Trad's gone a very long way — he's now in the desert. Pie charts are very hard to push through sand and... did it get bigger since yesterday? Trad's really starting to rethink his life choices — his goals and his priorities — while he pushes this pie chart across the desert. There's lots of time to think in the desert.

Day 3, continued: Oh, no. This is the worst possible thing that could happen right now. Trad's pie chart broke! He's not sure how to fix it, and there's no way to call for help. If he could just brainstorm with some colleagues like he does back in the office, maybe he could figure this out! At least here, the pie chart seems to have gotten smaller.

Day 3, continued: Whew, Trad used his problem-solving skills and got the pie chart back together. He's on his way! Unfortunately, the pie chart is big again.

Day 18: Well, it took a lot of time and effort, personal determination and follow-through, but Trad has arrived. He loves his new pie chart. He's sure his boss will agree: It was all worth it in the end.

(The chart is quite a bit smaller than he remembered, but that's OK. It's the journey that counts.)

Amber's Guide to the 7 Deadly Sins

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Fri, 08 Sep 2017 19:38:00 +0000

Take a listen. I done broke it down for ya real quick to keep ya outta hell:

Lust = Oglin
Greed = Moneygrubbin
Gluttony = Piggin out
Pride = Gettin all hoity toity
Wrath = Hootin an hollerin too much
Envy = Lookin over at somebody else n bein like "gimme that"
Sloth = Ain't doin shit

'Welcome.

is this the illuminati?

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Sat, 14 Jan 2017 04:02:00 +0000

i'm not sure what the illuminati IS but i DID just notice all these famous directors' names RHYME WITH FOOD:

Fresh Mandarin: Wes Anderson
Shrimp Gerkin: Tim Burton
Tortilla Coke (Cola): Sophia Coppola
Dead Apples Though: Judd Apatow
Lemon-Lime Lollipop: M. Night Shyamalan

if that's NOT the illuminati feel free to try to explain to me what it is.

Fun Mom

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Fri, 06 Jan 2017 17:50:00 +0000

here's an example of the kind of fun thing i would do as a parent:

kid is 16 years old, it's christmas, there's no present under the tree. kid goes, "where's my present?" i go, "your present is too big to fit under the tree! why don't you go out to the garage and take it for a spin?" [knowing smile]

kid runs to the garage, opens the door, and this is what's in there...

...

..

.

and we laugh and laugh.

the strangest thing to happen to me in 2017

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Tue, 03 Jan 2017 21:32:00 +0000

are you ready for a true-life mystery that will send a shiver up your spine, in one fluid motion not unlike the zipper on a coat? well have i got a story for you. it's about the zipper on my coat.

yesterday i was taking down my christmas tree, and i got my old coat out of the closet so i wouldn't get sap on my nice one. i haven't worn this coat in over a year. i went to go zip it up and discovered the zipper was UPSIDE DOWN. it UNZIPPED my coat, and only when i zipped it downward did the zipper stick together, kind of. i made this video to explain:

how could this happen? did the zipper get turned around in the wash? did someone replace my zipper in effort to pull off the world's stupidest prank? am i wearing the coat upside down? i don't remember the last time i was this confused. birth, maybe.

finally i sat down to text the video to my friend, to see if i could get any help solving this mystery and to confirm the world was still spinning and that i was still alive in it. that's when i looked over and noticed the top zipper, stuck at the collar, and remembered this coat has two zippers -- one that zips, one that unzips from the bottom -- and always has.

anyway, happy new year!

Buttwipes of Portland: #2 (Sustain Post Play Wipes)

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Tue, 15 Nov 2016 23:16:00 +0000

Alright, time to switch it up on here. It's another installment of Buttwipes of Portland! ::cheers, applause, someone coughing::

I gotta say, I've been thrown for a loop with this one. I thought I was buying just another bag of buttwipes -- they came from the buttwipe section alongside all the other buttwipes -- but apparently I purchased a revolutionary new tool for solving a universal problem! I didn't know this when I bought them, and I haven't known it for the past month while using them, but I found out today when I googled them! (Caution: Only google them if you want to read a lot of people talking about sex but replacing the word "sex" with "play." ::shudder, another cough::)

Seriously I've just been using these to wet my whistle if you will, as part of my daily routine, and I thought like the last ones (Swipes Lovin' Wipes) the company just added a layer of marketing to let you know hey, you can also use these for post-sex cleanup. But no, these are specifically for post-sex cleanup! I mean they say it pretty clearly on the packaging but with all the cutesy plays on words, I just didn't believe them. Are people straight up storing these next to their beds and not on the backs of their toilets? Because I would argue that the only difference between these "post-play wipes" and buttwipes is where you store them.

Therefore I will continue my review of these BUTTWIPES. First, I don't remember how much they cost but it was under $5 for 48. You can buy them directly from the Sustain website for $10.99 per package if there's no New Seasons or Whole Foods in your area and if you think eleven dollars is a reasonable amount of money to spend on BUTTWIPES. Up to you.

So cost, whatever -- normal. The scent is mild and pleasant, like opening a window. One nice feature is 10% of the profits go to women somehow! That's what this little symbol tells me.

They are also made out of cotton instead of paper pulp, making them more durable. Personally I've not had an issue with the durability of my paper pulp wipes, but then again I'm quite a delicate lady. They're also free of bad stuff and full of good stuff instead, but that's kind of a given in this series.

But by far the best thing going for these wipes is the texture. Remember how everyone was satisfied with pancakes until waffles came along?? Total game-changer, and on that front I will agree these wipes are revolutionizing the industry. Without spelling it out, there are reasons why waffles are better than pancakes, and these wipes are waffles for your butt.

Major, MAJOR con though: They're not flushable. Honestly I would not normally buy a non-flushable wipe, but this is journalism and I wanted to see if I could handle it. I mostly can! And a couple times I forgot they're not flushable and flushed them anyway. Guess what? They went down! Listen I know this is Not Okay™ and I'm trying hard to do better. (I have also heard it's a bad idea to flush any wipes, whether they say flushable or not. I also heard Taco Bell is bad for you???) But IF you're wondering if flushing these ones will cause your toilet to volcanically erupt in your face, it won't. I tested it so you don't have to.

In conclusion, I feel spoiled by these wipes. It's been so lovely, but I don't think they're my wipes. I need a flushable wipe, and I may be willing to give up texture for disposability. (Turns out I might be a pancake girl after all!) I'm also still giving these the side-eye for claiming they serve a very specific purpose... I'm here to tell you they do it all. Just ask my butt.

emo post written while sad, i don't give a crap

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Thu, 27 Oct 2016 03:39:00 +0000

things i've done while single:

traveled abroad solo twice
got a new job when the old one wasn't working for me anymore
moved to a nice apartment
bought a new car
learned to climb and went to the gym regularly
took care of my cats
maintained my friendships
threw the baddest birthday ball
put on three friends talent shows
dated a bunch
paid all my bills on time
ate mostly healthy
got help when i was depressed
took improv classes and did some open mics
started contributing to my retirement
tweeted a bunch of jokes
learned how to make videos
read a lot of books and spent time with my book club
flossed consistently

i can do it alone. i can do the heck out of it alone. but i don't want to anymore. i want to be taken care of, and i want to take care of someone. i want life to be a little easier, and i want to share some of the moments that i've been spending alone.

i still want my own time and space and my own life -- i've grown very fond of those things -- but i want to let someone in a little closer. not yoked, just holding hands.

Amber's Lawn Soaps and Hedge Balm

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Wed, 28 Sep 2016 16:12:00 +0000

You want the shiniest lawn and most luxurious hedges. Now you know.

And at $19.99 per bottle, you won't find a better deal anywhere else! You sit and think about that while you wait.

My pappy used to say I'd never make anything of myself. Well don't look now but my name is on several bottles.

You can look now.

I also know a guy who will do a "Brazilian Blowout" on your trees if you'll let him. I have some of his business cards and can get more at any time.

Amber's Lawn Soaps and Hedge Balm: Are you ready for it?

emojetry

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Thu, 15 Sep 2016 18:10:00 +0000

sometimes i think texting is the worst thing that's ever happened to us, and other times i write emoji poetry.

i think: feminism

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Sat, 10 Sep 2016 05:45:00 +0000

yes i had two cocktails and i walked home and boy do i feel like blogging!

just let me say: the best i ever feel is spending time with funny, powerful women. are they women who know exactly what they want? HELL NAW. they know things -- plenty of things -- and then they're like "omg i do not know some things." and that's what i love about women. they're comfortable uncomfortable. it's where we live. it's no big deal.

here's what i think: rich white men have been in power for EVER. ever ever. WHAT IF, just as an experiment, women were in power? like women of color. or gay or trans women. or women in poverty. or non-able-bodied women, or women with mental health challenges. like i'm a woman but i have no IDEA how bad it is for some other women. what if we let those women make all the decisions for just 100 years? just 100 years! it's nothing! grand scheme of things.

I BET, in 100 years we would see a more equitable and more peaceful world. (i bet we would see it in 20 years but let's really solidify it and give it 100. you'll be fine! don't worry!)

i mean why not try it? we've tried this ONE THING for so long and... i have to say... like it's OK but it's not super great. there are a lot of things i would change.

i bet, i bet you could replace all the wealthy white men in power -- from presidents to shift supervisors -- with underprivileged women -- even just a random sampling of underprivileged women with no political or leadership experience whatsoever -- and things would get better. i bet they would!! let's find out. why not!!? i love new things.

ideally, we'll all live in a world where opportunity is equally afforded to all, and individually we can make of it what we will. to get there, i wonder if we don't need to take away some of the privilege the most privileged have experienced in order to get them to understand. in order to get us to understand. like ideally we can skip that part, but realistically, i wonder if we don't need to swing a little further in the opposite direction in order for things to eventually balance out.

for example, white people be like "black people should not riot! that's so rude!" ok but we created a system in which black people have far less agency. so to ask them to protest within that system is like asking a person without arms to raise their hand to ask a question. i think disadvantaged people need to make a BIG F-ING DEAL in order to just get our attention -- even if it looks messy and makes us feel uncomfortable. that's good. let's start there, and then let's find a place that works for everyone. but if in the meantime i need to let go of my privilege... well ok. i've had it long enough. i can live without it for a bit just like some people have lived without it ever. like this is me talking about feminism where i should have every right to be like "MY TURN!" but already i'm like nah this is someone else's turn (which is what happens when you read about white feminism i think).

sidebar: white feminism

white feminism is when you march up and down the street chanting "77 cents on the dollar! 77 cents on the dollar!" while women of color stand behind you going "uh try 65 cents or less." it's demanding a list of things without ever turning to ask "hey does this list work for you? what are your priorities?" a good white feminist stands in spaces where women of color would be ignored and goes "LISTEN UP, you bozos!" and hands over the bullhorn, or continues to yell on their behalf if that's what'll get the point across best.

ANYWAY, this is all to say i love lora and brenna and christina and kenzie and jessie and charlotte and gabby and chiara and nicole and linzi and jess and stef and jenna and stacey and baby sara and megan and emily and marta and laura and elizabeth and tricia and mo and my mom and grandmas and my cousins and my cousins' wives and THAT IS JUST THE BEGINNING of women i love, don't even get me started on my book club or my coworkers. (there are a dozen other names but these are the people whom i've texted or had happy hour with most recently. sup brenna & christina... thanks for buying those nachos.)

i mean damn, do you guys even HAVE this?

did you guys even plan a costumed fun run with all your guy friends and name yourselves The Gynosaurs? alright.

my version of feminism is i love everyone, but i love women mostly. and i believe that brand of feminism needs to exist right now in order for things to even out someday. so deal.

;-*

*future generations, when you find this post hundreds of years from now, know that ;-* represented a winky kissy face, in like old hieroglyphic style. also i hope everyone's got the same opportunities.

Buttwipes of Portland: #1 (Swipes Lovin Wipes)

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Mon, 08 Aug 2016 18:42:00 +0000

"What ever happened to Taco Bells of Portland??" people are always asking me in my mind. And while ok I didn't review every Taco Bell in town, I did answer the most pressing questions of our time: Are all Taco Bells created equal (no) and where can you, dear readers, find the best grilled stuft burrito in a 10-mile radius (NE MLK and Lombard and SE 50th and Powell).

I may be done with that phase of my investigative journalism career, but I'd like to bring it full-circle and present to you a new series: "Buttwipes of Portland." By "of Portland" I don't mean these buttwipes can only be found in Portland. I'm going to review buttwipes that have a Portland feel to them, so not your Rite Aid options, but your Whole Foods and your New Seasons buttwipes. Perhaps there's an artisinal personal hygiene pop-up shop in town. I'll find out.

Why buttwipes? Well, it's summer, it's hot out there, and sometimes you just want a fresh butt, alright? Listen either you understand me or you've never used buttwipes before.

I'll start by saying I normally buy the Target-brand buttwipes, because I'm at Target*, sometimes they're on sale for $3.33 for the double-pack, and they do the trick.

*chances are I'm at Target right now.

But the other day I decided to treat my butt to something new, and I picked up the cucumber-scented Swipes Lovin Wipes at Whole Foods.

Now, if you're a cucumber lover like me, you want that stuff everywhere. On your face, in your water, in between where the sun don't shine. And let me tell you -- it is a delight! The scent alone makes these worth the extra $0.08 per wipe. Actually now that I type that I realize it's not true. BUT, there are other benefits to the Swipes. Gather 'round.

First, they're eco-friendly. The package says things like "gentler on the environment" and "made with pure water." Plus it uses 70% less plastic than the traditional pop-top wipes! Is that not worth almost a dime a wipe? ...Eh!

Here's the real clincher (hehe) for me, though: Swipes Lovin Wipes are made in the good ol' U.S. of A., which means someday you or I could work in R&D at Swipes Inc.! I didn't even know I had a dream job til now.

Finally, I like how Swipes tells you what it's for. Most buttwipe packaging beats around the bush (hehe again! killin it). I thought the "Lovin" part of the name just meant Swipes would be good to my butt -- is that not the definition of love? But these ones are marketed as a cleansing product for pre- and post-lovin! I love that!

That and so much more.

In conclusion, Swipes Lovin Wipes are worth the $4.99 at Whole Foods. They'll replace my generic up & up wipes once I get through the six packs I bulk bought last time I was at Target. That is... unless a new contender emerges.

Stay tuned for more Buttwipes of Portland, and stay fresh, everyone.

a thing that happened that was uncool

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Fri, 05 Aug 2016 23:11:00 +0000

UPDATE SO YOU DON'T WORRY WHILE READING: i'm fine.

this is something that happened this week that i'm embarrassed to write about because it shows how naive i can be, but i think it points to a bigger issue and that is some people's (primarily women's) need to please others at the expense of themselves.

i was home sick from work wednesday when someone knocked on my door. you have to be let into the building to get to my apartment so it's very unusual for me to get an unexpected knock.

i walked toward the door and asked "hello?" i heard a man saying something on the other side.

"yes?" i asked.

"hi, can you um open the door so i can ask you something?"

i would've preferred to know his identity first, but he asked, so i opened the door and saw a man i didn't recognize standing in the hallway. there was nothing alarming about the way he looked and dressed and carried himself.

"hi, can you feed my cat saturday?" he asked.

what he should have said was, "hi, i'm so-and-so from apartment 106. i'm leaving town for the weekend and was wondering if you're around, if you could stop by and feed my cat."

i could tell the guy didn't have some very basic social skills, but i don't believe he was being rude or creepy. that's all i can really say for myself -- my gut told me he was awkward but not threatening.

seeing he was struggling, i replied, "sure! ...i have cats too!"

then he asked if i could come over to see the food setup now. which is when i did the second thing i didn't really want to do, and followed him to his apartment.

"i'm amber, by the way," i said on the way, attempting to normalize the situation. "oh i'm joaquin," he said.

i followed him into his apartment and he shut the door behind me. he shouldn't have shut the door behind me. i'm assuming he did this to keep the cat inside, but i don't care if your cat escapes -- you can retrieve your cat from the hallway. you should never shut someone in your apartment.

he showed me where the food was and told me how much to feed the cat. "what's your cat's name?" i asked, trying desperately to be a regular human in a neutral space with another human. "yoshi," he said, and i bent down to pet the cat. "oh you probably don't want to approach him from above, he doesn't like that and can get weird."

"ok well i'll steer clear when i come by saturday to feed him."

joaquin handed me his spare key and asked if he could leave me some booze as a thank-you. "nope!" i said, "you can just feed my cats for me someday!" i flat-out lied.

i walked back to my apartment, locked the door, and called my friend to relay what just happened. (saturday i'm bringing a friend along to go feed yoshi.)

here's the problem: i so badly want to live in a world where neighbors take care of each other. i want it so badly that i set aside all my discomfort in this situation to make it happen. but this guy -- and again i don't believe he had any ill intentions, he just literally did not know how to have a conversation -- put me on the spot repeatedly. i should've said "can you identify yourself before i open the door?" and "how about i come by later with a friend to check out the food?" but he should've known his questions, coming from a strange man to a woman alone, were inappropriate.

but what i'm most upset about is that i worked so hard for those few minutes to make that situation ok, and to make this poor guy feel like he wasn't messing up every step along the way, even though he clearly was. why? to be nice. i got nothing out of that interaction and i straight-up risked my safety for it. i'm embarrassed i did that and i regret it. it was dumb and dangerous.

i don't know know how to get to a point where i always stand up for myself as a default. i don't know how to stop prioritizing being nice over being comfortable. is it because deep down, i still doubt my comfort is as important as someone else's -- is as important as a man's? even a strange man who didn't even give me his name until i asked?

i'd like to think it's my inherent kindness that makes me naive sometimes, but i'm afraid it's deeper and more disturbing than that -- that i was raised in a society that teaches women to first and foremost be nice and take care of men, and despite years of educating myself otherwise, i still haven't broken free of that canon.

women, how do you stand up for yourselves? how do you learn to value your needs enough to request them every time, even if it makes someone else feel uncomfortable? that is the world we want to live in, right? it seems like it requires major brain rewiring, and i thought i'd made progress, but this interaction showed me otherwise. give a sister some help?

and men, realize every time you interact with a woman you don't know, she needs to gauge whether you're a threat to her or not. that is an unfortunate truth. so go the extra mile to assure her you're not, and don't be put off if she asks you to identify yourself through a closed door.

i'm hoping just writing this out is a step in the right direction, but if anyone has advice, please share it. i'm not looking for "carry pepper spray" -- i'm looking for advice on how to remember, in the moment, my needs are important.

i think: depression

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Wed, 03 Aug 2016 22:42:00 +0000

today i heard an interesting piece on NPR about the genetic factors behind depression. the reporter suggested that maybe depression is an adaptation -- which sounds like a TERRIBLE thing for our biology to do to us -- but his theory was that back in the day, you might be struggling to find food to survive, and this helpful little reminder would kick in that the world's a rough place so don't get your hopes up, buddy. enjoy the taste of that stick. that's as good as it gets. and then you'd survive because you'd be like "alright, a stick!"

it was interesting to me because just last week i took my last dose of the antidepressants i'd been on since december.

i've been depressed a few times as an adult -- the first two times were tightly tied to situations i needed to get out of, but felt helpless to do so. the first time i didn't even recognize it as depression, because i'd never experienced it before and i'd always been such a happy kid, depression didn't even cross my mind. i just figured that phase of my life was over, and adulthood was dull and bleak and lacking. so first i needed help understanding that life could be better, and then i needed help getting there. both times i used a counselor to get there.

this last time, though... it was different. sure i was stressed about work, and it was winter in portland, but the feelings of sadness would come out of nowhere and utterly crush me. i remember describing to my new counselor, "it's like i'm going about my daily routine, not thinking about anything in particular, and then i'll notice this shadow creep over me. and i look up and there's a giant black anvil slowly descending from the sky, and i know i've got about 10 minutes to get home and get safe before it hits." like i'd have to leave the grocery store halfway through my shopping list so i could get in the car and hopefully back to my apartment in time. for a couple months there, you could often find me sobbing and unable to move from my driver's seat.

then there were mornings i'd wake up and without even having time to think a thought, i'd be crying. tears and snot and that pain that pinches your chest down to your stomach. i couldn't sit up, i couldn't get dressed -- at best i might be able to text a friend to ask for help not feeling so alone.

it was scary.

this time i couldn't identify the source of the feeling, and there certainly wasn't a problem worthy of its intensity. i didn't know what to fix so i could get to the other side of it. so my counselor suggested i go to the doctor to make sure nothing was physically wrong.

when my doctor found my physical health was in order, she made a suggestion: "why don't you try antidepressants for awhile and see if that helps?" now to a person who doesn't even take tylenol for a headache, the idea of antidepressants was hard to open up to, despite having educated myself about them and supposedly getting rid of my biases. i knew sometimes people's brains just chemically didn't work right, so treating them with chemicals made sense. but this was my brain.

this was also my very desperate brain, though, and my usual tools didn't seem to be working at all. so i started the antidepressants. i remember the day they kicked in (thursday, dec. 10, just two days before my birthday ball, which i'd been planning for months but had been secretly dreading). i felt... ok. i felt like myself. like i no longer had to fight against this powerful negative force to get through each day. i could just get up, put some pants on, and do life. (and my birthday ball was magic.)

most doctors will recommend staying on antidepressants for at least 6 to 9 months so your brain can get used to them. i had a really comfortable 8 months, with minimal side effects (except for all the wild dreams, which were actually kind of fun) and a general sense that i could handle things. more out of curiosity than anything, i recently decided to try to ease off them. that went fine too. the last couple days i've felt dizzy and tired, but those are just withdrawal symptoms as the drugs finally leave my system. i'm pretty sure once that's over, i'll be back to my old self.

i wish i didn't ever have to deal with depression -- it takes time away from my life. and i doubt that that was my last run-in with the old beast. but now i know not to wait, and to be open to treatments, and that even if depression is a biological adaptation, i don't have to be satisfied with just a stick.

baby's second video!

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Wed, 27 Jul 2016 21:34:00 +0000

this one starring me and my unwashed hair! camerawork by tony green, music by british sea power ("man of aran").

please don't pay me for this as i haven't licensed the music or purchased the stock photos yet. thank you.

i think: having children (for real)

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Wed, 27 Jul 2016 17:21:00 +0000

ok my last post was a joke (i remembered how i liked jokes). but now that i've gotten that out of the way, let me write a few paragraphs because my thoughts meet the minimum importance requirement for inclusion on the internet.

i'll start with a few facts: this year i turn 35, i don't have a partner with whom i'd like to make and raise children (see post 1), and i could either afford child care or my rent, but not both, and they don't let you live at the daycare, even though no one's using that space overnight.

aside from the facts, though, i don't feel like it. i haven't felt like having a kid for 8 years now. the last time i wanted a kid was when i was getting married, and everything i wanted at that point in my life (including marriage ...and lots of dresses) came from this desperate urge to not be depressed anymore.

i didn't know at the time what i was experiencing was depression -- i just thought it was adulthood. but adulthood isn't crying daily and feeling no connection to your life. that's depression (i'll write another post about that later).

so i no longer take seriously the things i think i want when i'm depressed, even though i think i want them SO BADLY. because once i'm feeling fine, i do not want those things, and i think what you want for yourself when you're feeling fine is really what you want for yourself. hard to tell in the moment, but that's the theory i try to function off of.

anyway, i don't want kids. i could go into all sorts of reasonable explanations, like "seems like there's enough new humans on the planet at the moment, i could just take one of the existing ones if i wanted" or "i'm not sure earth will be a nice place to live in the next couple generations" or "i like naps," but really i just don't feel like it. having a kid seems to be one of those things people do because they want to, period. if you don't have to have a reason for it, i shouldn't have to have a reason against it. just don't feel like it.

people ask, "but who's going to take care of you when you're old?" the same as you, i suppose. either the people who love me or a paid professional if they're not available.

and people tell me "it's the most amazing experience you can have in this life," and you know, i believe that. i see it second-hand through my nephew, through my friends' kids, and one time i even got to take photos at my the birth of my friend's son, and holy shit, i will never forget the feelings in the room that night. and that wasn't even my kid! i can't imagine the intensity of love parents feel. it looks amazing. i believe it's beyond anything i can even imagine.

but it's ok i don't get to experience that. i'm not convinced we all get to experience the most amazing experience in the world. i'll take some of the other, lesser experiences and be ok with my little collection. because they're the ones i want.

i think: having children

noreply@blogger.com (Amber Hollingsworth) — Wed, 27 Jul 2016 04:00:00 +0000

in THIS economy?!