Photo by kennymatic via Flickr Creative Commons

Today is Chinese New Year and it’s the year of the dragon! From what I understand, Dragon years are suppose to be good ones, full of fortune and prosperity. 2012, did you hear that?

I love Chinese New Year. To me, one of the best things about any holiday is its food. I am more then happy to jump on any holiday bandwagon that I can, particularly if a good part of the holiday is eating great food. Without a doubt, Chinese New Year is one of the best holidays for great food.

I grew up eating a lot of different international cuisines, but Chinese food was one of the first I was introduced to. As a kid, Chinese food was a regular treat for our family. There was a family run restaurant in our neighbourhood that had some of the best Chinese food I have ever had. I have no idea how authentic it was, as I know many people who have grew up or spent time in China criticize the North Americanization of what we think of as Chinese food here. What I do know is that there are dished we ate at this great family run restaurant that I have never found any where else. Some of the dishes I have seen again, but no one makes them as well. I remember learning to use chop sticks at an early age. Calgary has a small Chinatown and I remember going there as a kid too. I loved it. I have no idea how young I was when I first tried Dim Sum (Chinese Brunch), but I do remember eating it when I was in junior high and high school. When I moved to Vancouver to go to University I remember being if awe of the Chinatown here. Each year there is a Chinese New Year Parade, which I love going to, despite my cautious approach to anywhere crowded. Essentially, I have a long standing love of Chinese food and Chinese New Year.

So, I thought, in honour of the New Year, I would share with you my very very favourite Chinese Dim Sum dishes. So if you see them and haven’t tried them before, I highly recommend going for it!

#1: Sticky Rice

Photo by Deb Flickr Creative Commons

What is so lovely about this rice is the flavour. It is wrapped a bamboo leaf and then steamed, creating this almost tea-like flavour to the rice. As the name implies, the rice inside has a glutinous like quality to it. Tucked in the middle of the rice is, well, some stuff. I am never really sure what it is exactly- a combination of meat and vegetables. Normally I prefer to know exactly what is in my food, but when eating Dim Sum I follow different rules. If it tastes good and others are eating it- I am in.

#2: Sesame Balls with Red Bean Paste

Photo via The Unseasoned Wok via Flickr Creative Commons

I find it absolutely fascinating that beans are turned in to dessert in a number of Asian cuisines. I am just starting to make peace with beans and lentils, as a healthy and yummy addition to some dishes that I regularly make. But as a dessert– I am all over them. I don’t want to know how much sugar they put in that red bean paste to make it so good- but it is good. Really good. This particular dessert is a thick, sweet and yummy red bean paste inside a chewy, glutinous rice dough, deep fried and covered with sesame seeds. It may not sound good to someone who hasn’t had the pleasure of trying them before, but they are. Trust me.

#3 Steam Buns with BBQ pork

Photo by Geoff Peters via Flick Creative Commons

I have seen a couple articles about these buns (called Bao) in recent foodie articles. I anticipate they are rapidly making their way into mainstream eating. They are a slightly sweet, soft, cake type dough, steamed with meat inside. The classic is the BBQ pork bun. They sit perfectly on the divide between sweet and savory and are warm and satisfying. They are also on my list of foods to try and learn how to make this year, along with Vietnamese Pho soup.

If you can, try and get your hands on these treats and join in the celebration today!

photo by Enokson via Flickr Creative Commons

One of the hardest things about being a parent is that when you are sick you don’t get to just lay in bed and recover. You just don’t. When you don’t have kids you can live on cans of soup and ginger ale and just let the dished pile up. When you are a parent, you have to, you know, take care of an other human being and they, quite frankly, don’t care two hoots that your not feeling well.

I am finally, (FINALLY, knock on wood) recovering from a three week cold. Three weeks. I am sure that part of the reason it took three weeks to recover, rather then five days, has something to do with the fact that I couldn’t really just rest. There is still a child to feed, dress, put to bed, drive to the dayhome, keep entertained on the weekend and the evenings. And even with a loving supportive husband who does a lot and did a lot more when I was feeling particularly crappy, there is still a lot to do.

I know the title of this post suggested that I had some kind of tips or strategies. I really don’t. In part, its just an other thing that they don’t tell you about before you have kids that you just have to grin and bear it. But I do have a few ideas. I am hoping you will add to them in the comments. There must be some great strategies floating out there in the collective wisdom that is the parenting community! Bring them on!

Survival Strategies:

#1 Quiet activities: Books, colouring, playdough, puzzles- all of these are your friends. Next time I get sick, the first thing I am going to do is go and buy Audrey a new puzzle. (She is OBSESSED with puzzles right now.) Because those quiet toddler activities are a life saver- they allow you to lie half asleep on the couch while your kid (hopefully) can entertain themselves for 3 minutes.

#2 Cut your to do list: Yes there are still things we have to still do even when we are sick. Like, you know, feed the child. But cut out any of the extras. Do not try to be super women/man. Just don’t. Give yourself a break and permission to leave the dishes or let the laundry go unfolded. (My husband knows this was my strategy all too well. At one point I think we had 3 full baskets of clean laundry for a good 5 days before I finally felt well enough to deal with it. Husband would deal with it, except no one would be able to find their clothing if he put it away. Love you honey!)

#3 Ask for help. Full disclosure- I suck at this one. But I think, as parents, we all need to do it more. The truth is that if you get two toddlers together- they will entertain each other. Sometimes two is easier then one. So it would be great if we felt more comfortable as parents asking each other for help. I’ll watch your kids if you aren’t feeling well, you watch mine. Not all the time, but a two hour nap when you feel horrible is a huge help. I think part of the reason I hesitated to do this this time is in part because I really didn’t want to be around friends and get anyone else sick. But in retrospect, it probably would have been fine with some good hand washing and cover your mouth when you cough techniques. Point being, our lives would all be easier if we pooled our collective time (and sanity) more often.

#4 Okay, I’m out of ideas. Do you have any? What helps you get through being sick? How do you cope when you feel horrible and your kid(s) are full of energy?

I do not have the biggest tea stash. If you had asked me last fall before we moved from Calgary to New Westminster, I might have been in the top 10% of tea stashes. But when we moved I cleared a lot of my tea stash out. The less we could move the better.

I also found there were a lot of teas I just wasn’t drinking. So they sat there and sat there. And old tea is just not good. Besides that, I really try to keep my cupboards full of only stuff we regularly use.

When we moved out here we brought a few teas with us. My husband (@frenchpressme) was involved in choosing the tea menu for the Fratello cafe at the Calgary Farmers market- so we had some really awesome tea samples from that. I also learned pretty quickly where to get the best Tea in New Westminster; The Great Wall Tea Company. (You can also find them on twitter: @greatwalltea) Essentially, we don’t have all that many teas, but the ones we have are REALLY REALLY good.

Here is out at home stash.

In the picture you see:

Back Left to Right: Great Wall black tea, I think it is called Bukhail or Bukkail (hand written, I can’t tell); Green Wall green tea called Hojicha; Roobios tea from Idle (I love making Red tea lattes in the winter and iced Roobios with juice in the summer); Assorted herbal tea from Mighty Leaf.

Also at the back right you will see the BEST contraption for brewing loose leaf tea. It’s called a BREWT and essentially you put the loose leaf tea and water in and then once it is steeped you put it on top of your mug or pot and it drains from the bottom so there are no leaves in your tea. Awesome. I also have a smaller version from an other company that I keep at work.

Front left to right: Great Wall Tea Black Pumpkin Spice in the mason jar; Great Wall Tea Green tea called Kuhicha; AND Great Wall Tea Arbo Grey. Arbo Grey is a specially blend of cream earl grey and 20% lavender that @jenarbo invented and you can get only at Great Wall Tea. It is amazing. Go buy some.

I also have a tea stash at work. It looks like this:

It includes (left to right): Chai, Breakfast Tea, Honey n’ Cream- All from Assam Tea.

Then my Teaopia tea press, just like the one we have at home. And a small travel container of my very favourite “Arbo Grey” tea (mentioned above).

Now, there are still a few teas I would like to get. I need some Chai for home. I love Chai, a lot, and I know I would brew it up at home if I had some there. I also need to get some of my favourite green tea. It is called Genmaicha and is green tea with roasted rice. I love it! I am also currently without a good English Breakfast tea, which is an other one of my favourites. A couple more really good herbal teas would be nice too. So I may need to take a trip to Great Wall Tea and splurge one of these days to complete my collection.

But there you have it, my tea stash!

*Just like Amber, I am not receiving any compensation from any of the tea companies mentioned in this post. I am just sharing what I like.

I think I have also mentioned before that I believe I am a ‘school age parent’. I’m not sure, because, you know, I don’t have a school aged kid, I just have a toddler. But what I do know for sure is that the baby/toddler stage is not where I shine.

Now that’s not to say I don’t think I am a good parent. Despite all the blame the mother messages, guilt over this choice or that, pressure to be the perfect mom and all the other things our society heaps on us as parents that makes this parenting job OH SO MUCH MORE DIFFICULT, I actually believe I am a pretty good parent. I am loving, kind, reasonably consistent, reasonably effective with dealing with problem behaviour, and good at being aware of my individual kid and her individual needs and responding as such.

But. I still don’t feel ‘at home’ in the toddler years. They are better then the ‘baby’ stage, where I felt horribly inadequate and lost, but I still don’t feel I am ‘great’ at the toddler stage.

photo by Hey Paul via Flickr Creative Commons

One of the main reasons is that I really struggle with engaging in toddler play. There, I said it. This one is hard for me to admit guys, because I feel bad about it. How could I not know how to play with my kid? How can anyone not know how to play?

I just don’t. Sort of. There are parts of it I am good at. I am happy to have lengthy conversations with Audrey, letting her take the lead and letting the conversation twist and turn and repeat, as she asks the same questions over and over again and practices that odd toddler cyclical logic. That’s fun, because wow does she come up with some hilarious things. I love reading to her and taking her to the park. I am even happy to put on some music and have a dance off. But when she asks me to draw with her or build lego or play house… I can do it… but its just not fun to me. I get bored quickly and that imaginative play just doesn’t come naturally to me. I just want to go back to knitting or whatever.

Some parents seem to be naturals at coming up with games and activities and crafts to do with their kids. Fun ideas to fill up a rainy day. My brain just doesn’t function that way. I’d rather get in the car and go on an adventure to try and find somewhere (anywhere) indoor for her to play. I’d rather her colour or pretend to cook or play with her puzzles on her own, rather then get down on the floor with her. Oh, that sounds horrible. See! Its hard not to feel like a bad mom for admitting this!

But I know I am not a bad Mom. I am an imperfect human. And my kid will not be ruined for life because I am not good at making up games and engaging in imaginative play. (Also, my wonderful husband who is an amazing Dad is great at this, so you know, its not like A is depending totally on me for this.) It’s how I am built- I have always lived more in the world of ideas then in the world of fantasy. My greatest fear is being put on the spot and asked to do something creative. I like concrete goals and things with a clear beginning, middle and end. Imaginative play was never my strong suit- I always preferred to read a book. I can be creative when coming up with solutions to problems, but other then that, my creative side is lacking. At least that is how it feels to me.

I think one of the hardest things we encounter as a parent is to make peace with our imperfections and the ways in which we aren’t always the ‘perfect’ parent. A couple people have tried to encourage me to embrace my (non existent) “silly side” and just get down on the floor and play. I’ve tried and I will continue to try, but it will never be my strength. Send me in to deal with a tantrum- sure, that I can do. It’s not fun, but I feel much more able to do that then to make up a toddler ‘game’ to play.

But I can’t be the only parent out there that feels like this. Right? There have to be other Left Brain dominant individuals out there that find this equally challenging. Or maybe there is an other aspect of being  the ‘perfect’ parent that you struggle with? I figure we all must have our things, right?

I have no idea how to end this post. Confession made. Guilt exposed. Attempt to partially accept my own foibles partially successful. I guess.

Really, I think this is just a call out there to the rest of the parenting world– none of us are perfect, right? Anyone want to join in and confess their foibles?

The way things work out, we had a number of great breaks over the last couple months, where Audrey was literally away for either one night or multiple nights at a time. Essentially, we had a couple periods ranging from 24 hours to 4 or 5 days where husband and I were 100% child free.

I can’t tell you how luck we are that we have this. I get that this is not the norm- many parents, even ones with family in town, don’t have the easy going kid that we have who is quite happy to have a grandparent put her to bed. I know when I told my colleagues that we were sending Audrey over to the Island my parents live on for 5 days, they were shocked that Audrey would be okay with that. So it is the combination of really great parents and a really adaptable child that makes this all possible. Again, I count us as lucky.

But, reality is, there is a downside to these breaks. And I bring it up here not to complain about what is otherwise a very good situation. I bring it up because it says something very interesting about toddlers. I’m going to call it the Grandparent Effect. It goes something like this.

Audrey goes to Grandparent(s) house. She has a good time. She is a little charmer who is pretty well behaved. Children always behave better for someone other then their parents.

Husband and I get a break. But then we start to miss her like crazy. Crazy enough that all I want to do is go and get her, scoop her up in my arms and read her a book while cuddling on the couch. I quickly forget the two year old challenges- whinnying, crying, complaining that we gave her the wrong cup, frustration over her refusal to use the potty (that’s an other post). All that is forgotten and I just want to chat with her about her day.

So then we go to get her. And the minute she is within two feet of me she turns into a whiny, clingy mess! Not at all the reunion I pictured. She asks me to colour with her and then freaks out when I don’t do it right. She cry’s, wants me to carry her around and generally makes me want to turn around and run out the door.

What I have come to realize though is that this is 100% normal and to be expected. At least for my kid. The reality of the situation is is that no matter how adaptable and easy going she is, Mommy and Daddy is where she feels more safe. And if she spends prolonged time without Mommy and Daddy a certain amount of stress and tension builds up, emotions that she can’t express. So instead of saying to us when we get there, “Mommy, Daddy, I knew you would come back but I missed you and that made me sad”, she flips out and becomes the most clingy toddler ever.

Now some would probably say that if a situation causes her a certain amount of stress and tension, then that situation should be avoided. I disagree. I think part of childhood is learning that one can handle being out of ones comfort zone just fine. And besides that, I think the memories of fun times with Grandparents is one of the best joys of childhood- and that’s worth missing Mom and Dad occasionally.

I have come to realize that toddlers behaviour is often defined by the emotions they can’t process or express. Tired, hungry, confused, overwhelmed- all of these come out in that toddlers emotional release method of choice. Crying, whinnying, temper tantrums, whatever works for that kid.

And while I “get” it, that doesn’t make it any easier. Clingy/Whinyness is probably the behaviour I struggle with the most as a parent. It bothers me, even when I know it shouldn’t. I get it’s normal, I get why she does it, but I really really don’t like it. Especially when I just spend the last 24 hours missing her and all I want to do is get a glimpse of those “golden” parental moments. Those fun, cuddly, laughing times where you feel nothing but “my child is the best child in the whole wide world”.

But those times come. After the unexpressed emotions flow out and routine is re-established. I just have to have a little patience. And remember that being a toddler isn’t as easy as it seems.

Making Pancakes with Papa

Now I get it that 2012 is, as @torturedpotato expresses, is just a collection of dates. (Awesome post by the way my friend!) So if I want something fro 2012, then its me that has to do the doing to get the something. You know? Hence the value of resolutions. Now, sure, I could make a resolution for a year on April 3 or Oct 11 or any other day, but January 1st just seems such a logical day to make resolutions.

Oh, wait, it’s January 2nd? Oh well, sorry about that. You see I was on a Ferry yesterday and I am battling this wicked cold and you know….

Better late then never.

Resolutions:

1) Learn how to make Pho

I freakin’ love Pho. And when I get a Pho craving… I just NEED it. (Pho =Vietnamese Noddle Soup AKA the CURE FOR ALL THINGS). And sure, living in the Lower Mainland there are lots of places to get Pho fast and cheap, but I want to learn how to make my own Pho. So that I can freeze the broth and always have some on hand for impromptu Pho cravings. Anyone willing to lend me their Vietnamese Grandma for a cooking lesson?

Photo by LWY via Flickr Creative Commons

2) Walk more

Every year I resolve to get fit. One year, right before my wedding, I did it. But most years I don’t. I keep trying to ‘fit’ a workout into my busy schedule and it’s just not working for me. So instead, I am going to resolve to walk more. Take the long route. Walk instead of drive whenever possible. Walk Audrey to Day Home on nice days. If I can fit in even 45 minutes- an hour of walking a day, that would make a big difference.

3) Worry less about money

The reality is, that I spent a lot of 2011 worrying about money. The reality also is that we have a lot more then a lot of other people. We are very lucky and in no way hard done by. Really, not being able to take out cash for extra’s for a week or two- this is not the end of the world. We can pay our bills, we can keep food on our table and clothing on our backs. We are lucky. I need to except that we are tight on our budget and stop worrying about it. That doesn’t mean keep spending, that just means stop worrying. Money is not worth worrying about.

4) Not feel guilty when I don’t blog

I started this blog as a way to express myself. And in the two years I have been doing it is has gone up and down in terms of traffic, comments and engagement. For various reasons I am sure. But I need to get back to the core reasons why I write- for me. Not that you guys don’t matter- it is just that I never set out to be a ‘popular’ blog. So why am I beating myself up for not doing what I need to do to build the traffic here? I know I don’t have the time to read and comment on a hundred other blogs and post every other day and find new ways to promote my blog. And while I love reading others blogs, the part I really enjoy is writing. Just writing. So in 2012 that is my goal. I am going to write when and what I want to write. That’s it. Anything else is icing on the cake.

5) Finish the blanket my Grandmother started crocheting for me

About 6 months ago, my parents came back from visiting my Grandparents in Ontario. With them, they brought a crocheted Afghan that my Gran has started making for me, but found she couldn’t finish. Her eyesight is going and, well, she is 89 years old. So my Mom brought it back and was going to finish it for me. While on Salt Spring, my Mom taught me how to finish it instead. So I am going to finish my own blanket. Then I will have a blanket that my Grandma, Mom and I have all put stitches into and that is meaningful to me. Maybe I can get Audrey to do at least one stitch too!

Best Wishes to everyone in 2012! Warmth and Peace to you all!

photo by soapylovedeb via flickr creative commons

I find it terribly disappointing and ironic that the season that is supposed to be full of cheer, family, warmth and love turns into a season about shopping, stress, over commitment and financial worries. What is up with that? Why, as a culture, do we do that to ourselves? I don’t get it.

I mean, I get wanting to be generous, caring, thoughtful and the joy of giving someone something they really love. That I get. But what many of us do at Christmas- it seems to go far beyond that in my opinion.

To me, Christmas and the Holiday season should be about slowing down, enjoying the company of friends and family, giving back and lots and lots of eggnog (Preferably Jen’s homemade eggnog!). So every year I strive to bring our holiday experience more in line with that vision.

The first thing to tackle is the gifts. I like getting gifts as much as the next person. And I particularly love Christmas stocking gifts. You know, the ones Santa brings? Because what is more fun then opening a stocking full of little things? But the reality is that becomes and exercise in buying other people a whole bunch of stuff they don’t need and them buying me a whole bunch of stuff I don’t need. Which seems rather wasteful and expensive, when you really thing about it.

Now with a toddler, the challenge is even more so, as she gets spoiled with gifts. And while I don’t begrudge that everyone just wants to make her happy and give her something she will love- she has a whole toy box of toys she rarely plays with now… so… again, it just seems like a waste when it goes overboard.

I’m not proposing that the way to make Christmas better is get rid of presents. What I do think though, is that toning it down goes a long way. So here are some of the things we are doing to tone things down:

-For Audrey: Santa is filling her stocking with simple things: simple toys, a little puzzle, a few snacks, some socks and underware, ect. We are going to get her one simple toy- like a puzzle or a Melissa and Doug toy.

-For each other, the hubby and I: We treated ourselves to a cooking class at Wild Rice at River Market. We went last night and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. We’ll get each other a few little stocking gifts (I have already made the request for pajama’s and the “Arbo Grey” tea– go ask @jenarbo about that one.), but that is it.

-For others: I am knitting, baking and making body scrub for gifts for others. We may buy a few little things here and there for close family- my parents, hubby’s parents, but other then that…. Oh and we have a few inexpensive “secret Santa” gifts to do, but those are small and simple.

What this all means is that I was able to finish my Christmas shopping in one trip to Superstore and one trip to Granville Island and a few trips to Micheal’s for yarn. That’s it. It’s been low stress and quite lovely. I used to work in a Mall at Christmas, so I wont set foot in a big mall at Christmas to save my life. (Little local malls, occasionally, but I avoid those too).

We are lucky- our family is all on board with our quest for simpler, less expensive, less stressful Christmas that gives us more time for family, baking cookies and sitting by the fire. I know not everyone has that. It’s hard not to get swept up in the craziness of it all, especially when you have family members buying you all sorts of stuff and you feel obliged to return the gift giving. But every little step helps.

Here’s to focusing on the good stuff and not just the stuff!

Happy Holidays all!

But, now that December is here, I am going to tell you all about the decorations for this year. I’ve gotten my craft on (who am I?) and made some pretty cool stuff. Mostly inspired by my new best friend- Pinterest.

Check it out:

Button Tree

So, you all know I have an obsession with buttons, right? Okay, maybe you don’t all know that. But I do. I really really do. I saw this in Pinterest and just had to do it. It is a foam cone from a craft store, sewing pins and buttons. Oh the fun searching through both my and my Mother in Laws button collection to try and find the redish and greenish ones!

Yarn Ball Garland

Also something I saw on Pinterest- yarn balls. I thought they would look nice in a garland. Easy to make. Mod podge (though you can also just use a homemade paper mache mix), yarn and ballons. Wrap the yarn around ballons, brush with your ‘glue’ mixture (this gets very very messy!) and then let it dry. Then stick your finger inbetween the yarn to poke at the balloon until it separates from the yarn and then cut the balloon and let the air out. Pull the deflated balloon out and Voila! You have a yarn ball.

Real Live Tree in a Pot

You know the on going debate between a ‘real tree’ and a ‘fake tree’? Being in an condo, a real cut down tree was not an option. (The building regulations and all). And while I can appreciate the re-usability factor of a fake tree- I so miss the real tree smell. It’s just not the same to me. This year, we discovered a brilliant middle ground that is especially compatible with our lack of space.  What you see is a live potted tree. It cost less then $20, it won’t die or drop leaves (unless, of course, my brown thumb ruins it in less then a month), and when Christmas is over I can just put it out on the patio and it will keep growing. Eventually it will need a bigger pot, but other then that- its the ideal middle ground to me.

Hand Collected Pinecones

I love natural decorations at Christmas. Pinecones in particular. But here is what I don’t understand- why would anyone buy pinecones when they are just sitting there in the park, ready to collect? I mean, I guess I get it if you live in the desert or something. But other then that- collecting them is so much fun and a great excuse for a walk. We collected these in one short 20 minute walk.

Added bonus? These pinecones smell like pinecones, not dollar store perfume.

Still up on our holiday decorating plan? A decorated gingerbread train (Audrey picked the train instead of the house). I got the complete kit for $10 at Superstore and I can’t wait for the fun of decorating it with Audrey. I put up a picture when its done.

What are you doing to make your home full of holiday cheer?

But I was disheartened by what I perceived as the focus on ‘formula as the issue’ in the post. To be clear, it is not that I don’t accept that formula has an impact. But rather that I believe that the impacts of formula are there because of the lack of knowledge, research and support for women, and not the other way around. I’ll get to what I mean in a minute.

First some background. The post pointed to a Today’s Parent survey about women’s’ breastfeeding experiences. (Oh the irony with the HUGE Simlac advertising banner on the site). The survey identified: “.. three difficulties were roughly twice as prevalent in women who stopped early: low milk supply, low baby weight gain and a baby who seemed uninterested in nursing or nursed ineffectively.”

To me, reading this, I thought of all the challenges I experienced and the hurdles I wasn’t prepared for, that had an impact on all of the above three difficulties. The specific physical (both for the infant and the mother) and emotional challenges.

The post, though, focused on what I see as the secondary results of these challenges. While acknowledging that there are some women will encounter “insurmountable challenges”, Annie suggests that others will encounter “surmountable” challenges in combination with an other contributing factor. Of the contributing factors she lists, five that have to do with being encouraged to use formula, two that have to do with lack of support and one that has to do with social stigmata. I do not disagree that these contributing factors have an impact. I know they do.

But to me, it perpetuates the focus on breastfeeding advocacy in the same, misguided place: against the formula companies and not against the challenges. That is, if the “surmountable” challenges were discussed, researched, communicated, NORMALIZED, then the impact of the sway of formula would be lessened. If the contributing factors had nothing to contribute to…… see what I am saying?

Instead, this continued focus on the impact of formula derails the discussion from the one that we really need to have. The one about how almost every Mom, 9 out of 10 according to Today’s Parent, encounter at least one of the typical struggles. Those struggles are normal. They are to be expected.

From my experience, many breastfeeding advocates try to avoid acknowledging them and talking about them; fearful that they may scare women off. Worried people will think breastfeeding is hard and therefore not worth it. They put them in as an aside, explaining that just small percentage of women experience them- inconsequential. The problem with this of course is that even a small percentage of women is thousands and thousands of people. I have often heard advocates remind women that sometimes we ‘think’ our baby isn’t getting enough milk, but really they are. Which may be true, early motherhood is full of worry- some of it unnecessary. But this fits in with a general pattern of downplaying women’s experiences and making many of us feel like we are being told that it’s all in our head and we just aren’t trying hard enough.*

In my opinion, the formula advertising/sampling/suggestions from health care workers- that’s not the reason women stop breastfeeding. They stop breastfeeding because their told its

a) necessary for a healthy child and you do it if your a ‘good’ Mom

b) easy, pain free, blissful and ideal

c) natural and everyone can do it

and then the reality of their experience doesn’t match up with what they were told. It’s not pain free, it’s not easy and it may be physically possible for the majority of women to do it, but it sure doesn’t seem like that at 2am when your baby is crying.

Is breastfeeding worth it? Yes. I believe it is. But it isn’t easy in a culture of Motherhood where perfection is expected. Where mothers are blamed for anything that goes wrong with their kid. Where real experiences are swept under the rug in favour of talking about the ‘formula conspiracy’.*

Formula is not the reason women stop breastfeeding. Women stop breastfeeding because they feel defeated and alone. That’s what we need to target.

The great tragedy of that first year of motherhood, in my opinion, is that feeling that you are alone. That no one else is experiencing what you are experiencing. That you are a failure while everyone else is thriving. I can’t tell you how many Mom’s I have talked to that have expressed feeling this way. And while infant feeding is not the be all and end all of the reason women feel this way, it is part of the big three triad: feeding, sleeping and crying. What we need to do, more then anything else, is change the culture around motherhood. Admit and accept that it is hard. But it is less hard when you don’t feel alone. When you know that what you are experiencing is normal and to be expected. Where no one down plays your struggles.

So I am going to give you a list of what reasons I believe are the real reasons women stop breastfeeding. These are the things I believe we need to talk about, research, discuss and demystify. (These are taken from my comment over on Annie’s post)

-extreme maternal stress/anxiety/depression and the impact on milk production
-tongue tied infant which can reduce breastfeeding efficiency and have a negative cyclical impact on supply
-infant allergies (either to milk protein or something in the mothers diet), which impacts the health of the child and requires elimination diets that sometimes don’t work
-Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or some other maternal hormonal/endocrine disorder which can impact supply

Since writing this I would also like to add the following:

-blocked milk ducts and mastitis

Feel free to add to this list in the comments. What I would like to see is when we talk about the reasons women stop breastfeeding we talk about the challenges women face first. That is the number one way to render the marketing tactics of formula companies ineffective. It is also the number one way to reduce the “Mommy wars”, come together as a community and start to really support each other.

What do you think?

*Side note: Just to be clear, though I would have liked to see less talk of formula and more talk of challenges in Annie’s post, I know she often advocates against this ‘blame the mother’ culture. She is also a great advocate for more breastfeeding support for mothers. I also do not believe, based on what I have read, that she is in any way down playing women’s experiences or contributing to the ‘its all in your head/you aren’t trying hard enough” approach to breastfeeding advocacy. I just happened to disagree with the focus of this particular post and it happened to get me thinking. 

I couldn’t get a picture of it though- it was gone before I could get out my iphone. So I will show you a picture of cinnamon. Mmmmm Cinnamon.

photo by S. Diddy via Flickr Creative Commons

This recipe is adapted from the  Canadian Living’s Apple Upside Down cake recipe.

 Ingredients:

Apple Caramel:

• 1/2 cup brown sugar
• 1/4 cup butter
• 2 apples, cut in thin wedges

Cake:

• 1/2 cup butter, softened
• 1/2 cup brown sugar
• 2 tablespoons molasses
• 2 eggs
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 2 tsp mixed English spice (I use Silk Road spices) or pumpkin pie spice or a combination of cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger and allspice
• 1 3/4 cup flour
• 1/2 tsp baking power
• 3/4 cup milk

Preheat your oven to 325

Cut up your apples into thin wedges. Then heat up your butter and brown sugar in a skillet until bubbling. Throw your apples in.

Cream sugar and butter for the cake batter. Add molasses. Combine your eggs (beaten), vanilla and milk in one container and your flour, baking powder and spice in an other. Add each alternating back and forth to your creamed butter and sugar and combine.

Poor the whole mixture onto your apples and throw the skillet in the pre-heated oven for about 35 minutes. Test to see if done by sticking a knife it in- does it come out clean?

Enjoy the wonderful smells coming from your oven and try not to eat the whole thing before you can get a picture to brag to your friends. Nom nom nom.