Last year I wrote a post about how I think it is ridiculous for toddlers to exchange Valentines. Or at least, it is ridiculous for parents to buy a whole bunch of valentines cards, fill them out on behalf of their toddler and then take them and give them to their toddlers friends. It just seems like an other one of those things we seem to do as parents, not because it matters to our kids, but because every other parent is doing it so it feels like we ‘should’.

The caveat that I gave in that post was that if your toddler asked to make cards and then made them themselves. I have nothing against the holiday of valentines and I do think it is cute how kids want to show how much they care. But, I am an advocate of minimal parental involvement when it comes to such things. I think it should be something they do because they want to, rather then some sort of parental “keeping up with the Jones”.

So, guess who has been obsessed with making Valentines cards this year? Guess who has spent the better part of the last week making me cut out construction paper hearts so she can make dozens upon dozens of Valentines cards? Bahaahahaaaaaa!

Blogging Karma, my friends. Blogging karma.

I give you, the Valentines Day card factory that is Audrey’s craft table:

Exhibit A: Toddlers Valentines Day Card Obsession

I have no idea who all these cards are for… but if anyone wants a card from Audrey, just let me know. I am sure we will have extras.

Happy Valentines Day Everyone!

Photo by Pink Sherbet Photography via Flickr Creative Commons

Education has become a topic of conversation amongst many parents in my circle of friends. With most of my ‘mommy peers’ have children beyond the baby years, the decisions about preschools and kindergartens are getting closer and closer. And so, though Audrey is still a ways away from kindergarten, the topic of public education has started to swirl around in my mind.

Luckily, this is not my first introduction to concepts of Education. I work in Post Secondary Education- and so the topic of the impacts of public education on students- particularly as it relates to their future careers- is something I am fairly well versed in. I have also been paying close attention to a number of twitter friends and other mommy bloggers who are well into the trials and tribulations of school age children. I have always been interested in Education and Education politics.

Now, before I start sharing my thoughts, I will again repeat that I strongly and truly believe that each parent is their own best decision maker when it comes to their kid. Every kid is different and we all need to try and make decisions that we think are best for our kid. The Public/Private/Home school education choice is no different.

I believe too, especially in Canada, we have a pretty good system of choice between those options. It seems there are more and more Private (or Charter) schools cropping up with unique educational focuses or philosophies. I  also understand that the popularity of homeschooling has increased and there is more support now for parents who choose that option. (When I say support I mean, it is a more normalized option in public opinion and that there are resources out there to help parents who choose to home school develop curriculum, ect.) There are certainly individual family circumstances, including financial, time constraints and personal skills and abilities*, that impacts the ability to explore the different options for schooling- but I think there is much more choice now then there was when I was growing up. Which is good.

My husband and I haven’t really started talking seriously about this decision yet. I believe my husband (I hate speaking for him, but I think I am right on this one) has thought more about Private school options then I have– but realistically I doubt we could afford any Private school. I also believe that neither hubby or I would be particularly strong at homeschooling and we need two incomes. We just do. Very likely, the home school option is out. Therefore, from my perspective at least, Audrey is likely going to public school.

Despite that, I certainly have some bones to pick with public education. I suspect I will be one of ‘those’ parents. Some of my core issues include:

Homework: From what I have heard from some other Canadian parents- the amount of homework students receive is insane. I strongly believe that homework adds little value and that children need free time to play. Beyond that, it is more then just homework. It seems to me that public education also encourages kids to spend much of their free time ‘involved in something’. I remember 5 day a week morning band practice, 3 day a week after school basketball, ect. ect. and a plethora of other opportunities I passed up because I just could not fit them in. Over scheduling has become a hot topic.

Quality of Teaching: The system has some amazing teachers and some really bad ones. I know this from personal experience. A child’s perspective of themselves and their skills, abilities and intelligence can be very strongly impacted by the experience they have in school, and not always for the better. Teachers play a huge role in this. I know for myself that I had some amazing teachers who really, made me who I am today. I also have strong memories from some really really horrible teachers, who negatively impacted my learning and my self-esteem.

Learning Style: Public Education rewards a very particular learning style: those who absorb information via primarily reading and writing. It also rewards students who are strong at memorization, mathematics and have the ability to quietly sit still. The infuriating reality of this is that is means a certain type of kid is considered ‘smart’ and a certain type of kid is considered ‘not smart’. However, based on my knowledge about careers, our economy needs a very wide diversity of skills and abilities. It needs hands on kinestheitic learners, who can figure out how to build or fix something. It needs great communicators- outgoing and gregarious. It needs feisty risk takers and people that can think in very unique ways to innovate and find solutions. I think our Education system tells many of these people they just don’t add up- because they don’t naturally do well in a situation where they sit in a class 6-8 hours a day and read and write. And above all, I believe our economy needs critical thinkers, problem solvers and people that have a strong ability to self assess and know what they are really, truly good at. Based on the students I talk to- this quality is a rarity and does not seem to be fostered in Public Education at all.

And despite all this- I would still choose Public Education over the other options,* even if I felt our family was in the position to explore those other options. There are a couple reasons for this. First, I believe kids are resilient. I do not believe my job is to make sure things go well for her all the time. I believe there is nothing more character building then overcoming a difficult situation. An other part is that I don’t think that by choosing Home schooling or Private Schooling that I entirely avoid the possibility that my child’s experience won’t be idyllic. No option is perfect.

But more then anything else, I believe deeply in public education. I can’t even explain to you why I believe so deeply it in. I should clarify, it is not that I ‘believe’ in it in the sense that I believe it is perfect. As you can see from above- I really don’t think it is perfect. But I believe in it from a social capital and community building perspective. I would rather have my child in Public school and be one of ‘those’ vocal parents- trying to change it from the inside- then opt out. I think it is partially because I am a glutton for punishment and have a deep ‘save the world’ bent that is currently being largely unfulfilled. Or maybe it is just because I love, love, love a great challenge. I am not sure. As I say, I am not sure at this point I can put into words why, despite the negatives, that I want my child in public education. Because I just do.

What do you think?

*These issues are huge and I think is something we need to be keenly aware of. Even having the option to choose anything other then public school is a privileged situation to be in. Yes, some family’s make huge sacrifices to get their kids in the educational system of their choice- but many more families really just do not have any options.

*Note: This decision is not entirely up to me, obviously, as I have mentioned, what we actually decide to do will have a lot to do with what my husband thinks and the circumstances we find ourselves in when Audrey is ready to go to school.

And then we become parents. And a whole other world of comparisons begin. We drive ourselves mad, really. At least, I know there have been times when I drove myself mad.

A while ago, I saw this pin on Pinterest.

Source: insidejennyshead.blogspot.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

It is so true, isn’t it?

I always think about the scenario where I was sitting with a bunch of Mom’s in a Mommy Group, a few weeks after my daughter was born. And I was talking to that Mom. You know that Mom, who no matter what, always says things are wonderful? Her child sleeps, eats and never cry’s. I don’t know about you, but I could not stop myself from believing she was lying. And if she wasn’t lying, I kinda hated her. Not really, but you know. Especially after I pulled an all night-er to try and feed a screaming child, using a supplemental nursing system and pumping and nursing round the clock. It seems that Mom had absolutely no struggles. No issues. No complaints.

Maybe she is just a really really positive person. We certainly need more of those people out there. Really, I had/have no place in questioning what she said or resenting that she was either struggling less or dealing better. Even if her baby was an angel baby and even if she was amazingly talented a dealing with struggles, I am sure there must have been some struggles. Who’s life is free of challenge? Actually, the most saddening possibility is that she was struggling and didn’t feel comfortable sharing it with the support of the mommy group. Maybe we didn’t seem so supportive. Maybe she just didn’t want to share. All this to say that the truth, the real truth, is that no one has it easy. No one.

And yet we rarely see each other struggle. We work hard to cover it up, minimize it and put on a good front. In the process, we go through this process of internalizing our struggles and then comparing ourselves to everyone else. Even when we say we are opening up, we are often still censoring and masking at least part of what’s going on.

Everyone else seems to have it together. Why don’t I have it together?

The insecurity builds.

I was talking with a friend a couple months back about parenting. And we were thinking about how we feel about ourselves as parents base on the internal frustration and down right annoyance we sometimes feel towards our children. The voice in our head that says “Grrrr, my kid is driving me nuts!”. We were joking that it is a good thing that we don’t judge our parenting based on this inside voice, because we would likely all consider ourselves less then stellar parents. But how we feel on the outside is different then the calm and caring tone we use with our children (as much as we possibility can.)

That made me think even more about the whole concept of our internal experience versus the external persona we see of everyone else. No wonder everyone else looks so together and when we sometimes feel like we are falling apart!

Then there is the media- which has an ironic dual impact on our perception of ourself compared to others. When we watch movies, tv and look at beautiful movie stars we get very unrealistic view of life. Fairy tale endings, happily ever after, money, fame, ect. Perfect mothers and happy sitcom families. An even more unrealistic picture then that glossy persona we sometimes put on for each other in ‘real life’. I really believe that those images of happily ever after have had a negative impact on healthy expectations for our lives.

And at the same time there is reality tv and talk shows. Which, though I will admitted I have been entertained by here and there- are really a voyeuristic look at people who are more messed up then we are. I’m convinced that’s a big part of why people watch those shows. But they are so unrealistically out of proportion to the struggles of most people they don’t seem real either.

I have said before, just about the only thing I have seen on tv that comes close to accurately depicting the internal and external struggles of the every day family is the show Parenthood.

So what’s my point? First, that it is important to remember that others are feeling things inside that you will never see. To me, this is a good reason to be compassionate and forgiving- of both ourselves and others. Second, let’s talk. We are all human- so when we meet a friend we feel close to- put down the mask. Let’s feel comfortable to be ourselves- messy insides and all.

]]> http://www.amoment2think.ca/2012/02/04/compare/feed/ 5 Do you compare yourself to others? photo http://www.amoment2think.ca/2012/02/04/compare/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/amoment2think/~3/2FAbH_9CrHE/ http://www.amoment2think.ca/2012/01/31/fact_toddlers_throw_tantrums/#comments Tue, 31 Jan 2012 15:51:50 +0000 amoment2think http://www.amoment2think.ca/?p=3299 Continue reading →]]> The other day I got a lovely e-mail from a reader who was asking for advice. I was totally flattered and a bit surprised. As I say in my “About Me”, I am not an expert, just a Mom who likes to share her thoughts and ideas and maybe even some suggestions. After answering this Mom’s request, I asked if I could post the exchange on my blog. Because I thought it may be of interest to others as well.

Before I share it with you I just want to be really upfront about something. As I was writing back to this Mom and considering posting this here I was thinking: “Who am I to give advice? I get frustrated with my kid sometimes. I feel sometimes that I am not a great parent and I could do better. And I certainly don’t have it all figured out. So really, who am I?” The more I thought about this the more a made peace with it. Because I think advice from a peer, rather then an expert, is really valuable. It is a reassurance that you are not alone, a reminder of what you are already doing that works and a few little ideas that may be just new enough to give you a little help along the way. It is not about me “knowing” and someone else “not knowing”, it is about supporting one an other. So here it is:

Hello,

I just read your blog about toddlers throwing tantrums and being in control. I realize you wrote it last June, but I was hoping you wouldn’t mind me asking for some advice. I had a second baby when my toddler was just about to turn two, and I think most of the time we gave into the tantrums just because we were so stressed with a newborn. Now it’s been a year and he’s almost 3 and thinks he runs the house. My husband and I are trying to be more in control, but sometimes I just want to scream because he always bursts into tears over (it seems like) everything.

Just today I let him watch a little extra tv before nap and then when he went up to this room, he wanted to watch even more. He cried so much that he woke up my youngest. (something that really upset me). I let him just cry in his bed. I wasn’t sure what else to do. It wasn’t the right time for a time out.

Sometimes you said that you do give in, like the certain spoon. My 3 year old is doing that too. He always wants a new spoon he got for Christmas. I’ve been letting him have it, but I have to wash it all the time. He drives me crazy sometimes.

I’m thinking about recording something at night that says “Mommy is the boss; you have to do what mommy says” to play softly while he sleeps. Just kidding!! Ha ha

Thanks for any advice,

(I have left out this Mom’s name at her request)

My response:

Thank you for your e-mail! I am so flattered that you asked for advice based on my post. I am happy to help any way I can. First though, I think your idea for toddler subliminal messaging night time music is brilliant. Let’s market that!

I don’t know if this will help or not, but it sounds to me like what you are describing is 100% normal toddler behaviour and your reaction to it is also 100% normal. Based on my conversations with other parents on and off line, I can say with some certainty that what is happening in your house is happening in millions of houses which happen to be occupied by a toddler. Which doesn’t make it better, I know, but sometimes it is good to know you are not alone. I know I have also felt on more then one occasion that I also want to scream because my daughter also bursts into tears whenever she doesn’t get her way.

My toddler is also almost three, and despite my husband and my best intentions to try and not let her run the house, it feels often that she also believes she is in charge. I think it feels this way because many many almost three year olds do believe they are in charge. While I think it is good to do whatever we can as parents to set healthy limits, say no when appropriate and stay as calm as possible, the reality is that tantrums and outbursts are normal developmental toddler behaviour. Toddlers are amazing and wonderful but they are also challenging. I don’t know any parent out there who isn’t being drive crazy by their toddler at some point or an other. There are certain behaviours that toddlers exhibit that I don’t really believe any amount of parenting is going to dramatically impact. It is an age and stage thing. The best we can do is try and get by with our sanity intact.

But I do have a few suggestions that I hope help:

#1 Pick your Limits

Figure out the things that are most important to you to not give in on. Maybe it is when nap time is. Maybe it is you get the spoon you get. Maybe it is something else. Make a list. Try and keep it short. Do not budge on that list. Try and be as consistent as possible on that list. Then let the rest go. Don’t not to engage in a power struggle on anything that’s not really important to you. It is just not worth it.

To give you an idea, here are something things that are on my list:

- When it is bedtime, it is bedtime

- If you want something to eat, you ask nicely rather then either raiding the kitchen or crying/whining before I know what you are whining about

- When it is time to leave the house, it is time to leave the house

- No hitting/punching/slapping

- When it is time to turn the TV off, it is time to turn the TV off

#2 Make Peace with Negative Emotion

If he cry’s, acknowledge that he is upset but let him cry. He is his own person and he needs to express his emotions, so let him express his emotions. It is completely reasonable to set healthy limits, but I don’t think as parents we should expect our kids to be happy about it. Everything is a big deal to a toddler. When I think about it from my daughters perspective, I can see how overwhelming it all is– all the new things to learn and do and see. On top of that, they are developing the skills to regulate their emotions– something that even as adults most of us struggle with from time to time. If you can, move him to a different room so he doesn’t wake the baby, or play white noise in baby’s room to reduce the possibility of waking the baby.

#3 Always Give Fair Warning

One of the most effective tools with toddlers I find is letting them know well in advanced what is coming next. Give them 2-3 steps ahead with time frames. Yes, they can’t really tell time (well maybe there are a few toddlers out there that can, but generally not)- but they do understand sequence. For example, I let Audrey watch TV in the morning while I am having a shower and getting ready for work. When I go to get in the shower I say, “Audrey, I am going to have a shower. After I get out of the shower we are going to turn off the TV and I will help you get ready to go to the Day home. Then you will put on your boots and jacket on your own while I put on my makeup.” Then, when I am out of the shower and on my way to get dressed I tell her, “Audrey, I am almost done getting dressed. In one minute we are turning off the TV and I will help you get dressed.” Then, once I am dressed I go to her and say, “Audrey, the one minute is over. We are turning of the TV now. Please come with me to get you dressed.” I can’t tell you how effective I find this. Now, this doesn’t stop the crying all the time- but most of the time it does.

I hope that helps a bit. I know it is not easy. And I know is it extra challenging with two kids instead of one. But I am also sure you are doing a great job. Hang in there!

Sending you supportive vibes!

]]> http://www.amoment2think.ca/2012/01/31/fact_toddlers_throw_tantrums/feed/ 2 http://www.amoment2think.ca/2012/01/31/fact_toddlers_throw_tantrums/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/amoment2think/~3/MVH-qrSrmX0/ http://www.amoment2think.ca/2012/01/23/happy-chinese-year/#comments Mon, 23 Jan 2012 22:03:11 +0000 amoment2think http://www.amoment2think.ca/?p=3279 Continue reading →]]>

Photo by kennymatic via Flickr Creative Commons

Today is Chinese New Year and it’s the year of the dragon! From what I understand, Dragon years are suppose to be good ones, full of fortune and prosperity. 2012, did you hear that?

I love Chinese New Year. To me, one of the best things about any holiday is its food. I am more then happy to jump on any holiday bandwagon that I can, particularly if a good part of the holiday is eating great food. Without a doubt, Chinese New Year is one of the best holidays for great food.

I grew up eating a lot of different international cuisines, but Chinese food was one of the first I was introduced to. As a kid, Chinese food was a regular treat for our family. There was a family run restaurant in our neighbourhood that had some of the best Chinese food I have ever had. I have no idea how authentic it was, as I know many people who have grew up or spent time in China criticize the North Americanization of what we think of as Chinese food here. What I do know is that there are dished we ate at this great family run restaurant that I have never found any where else. Some of the dishes I have seen again, but no one makes them as well. I remember learning to use chop sticks at an early age. Calgary has a small Chinatown and I remember going there as a kid too. I loved it. I have no idea how young I was when I first tried Dim Sum (Chinese Brunch), but I do remember eating it when I was in junior high and high school. When I moved to Vancouver to go to University I remember being if awe of the Chinatown here. Each year there is a Chinese New Year Parade, which I love going to, despite my cautious approach to anywhere crowded. Essentially, I have a long standing love of Chinese food and Chinese New Year.

So, I thought, in honour of the New Year, I would share with you my very very favourite Chinese Dim Sum dishes. So if you see them and haven’t tried them before, I highly recommend going for it!

#1: Sticky Rice

Photo by Deb Flickr Creative Commons

What is so lovely about this rice is the flavour. It is wrapped a bamboo leaf and then steamed, creating this almost tea-like flavour to the rice. As the name implies, the rice inside has a glutinous like quality to it. Tucked in the middle of the rice is, well, some stuff. I am never really sure what it is exactly- a combination of meat and vegetables. Normally I prefer to know exactly what is in my food, but when eating Dim Sum I follow different rules. If it tastes good and others are eating it- I am in.

#2: Sesame Balls with Red Bean Paste

Photo via The Unseasoned Wok via Flickr Creative Commons

I find it absolutely fascinating that beans are turned in to dessert in a number of Asian cuisines. I am just starting to make peace with beans and lentils, as a healthy and yummy addition to some dishes that I regularly make. But as a dessert– I am all over them. I don’t want to know how much sugar they put in that red bean paste to make it so good- but it is good. Really good. This particular dessert is a thick, sweet and yummy red bean paste inside a chewy, glutinous rice dough, deep fried and covered with sesame seeds. It may not sound good to someone who hasn’t had the pleasure of trying them before, but they are. Trust me.

#3 Steam Buns with BBQ pork

Photo by Geoff Peters via Flick Creative Commons

I have seen a couple articles about these buns (called Bao) in recent foodie articles. I anticipate they are rapidly making their way into mainstream eating. They are a slightly sweet, soft, cake type dough, steamed with meat inside. The classic is the BBQ pork bun. They sit perfectly on the divide between sweet and savory and are warm and satisfying. They are also on my list of foods to try and learn how to make this year, along with Vietnamese Pho soup.

If you can, try and get your hands on these treats and join in the celebration today!

photo by Enokson via Flickr Creative Commons

One of the hardest things about being a parent is that when you are sick you don’t get to just lay in bed and recover. You just don’t. When you don’t have kids you can live on cans of soup and ginger ale and just let the dished pile up. When you are a parent, you have to, you know, take care of an other human being and they, quite frankly, don’t care two hoots that your not feeling well.

I am finally, (FINALLY, knock on wood) recovering from a three week cold. Three weeks. I am sure that part of the reason it took three weeks to recover, rather then five days, has something to do with the fact that I couldn’t really just rest. There is still a child to feed, dress, put to bed, drive to the dayhome, keep entertained on the weekend and the evenings. And even with a loving supportive husband who does a lot and did a lot more when I was feeling particularly crappy, there is still a lot to do.

I know the title of this post suggested that I had some kind of tips or strategies. I really don’t. In part, its just an other thing that they don’t tell you about before you have kids that you just have to grin and bear it. But I do have a few ideas. I am hoping you will add to them in the comments. There must be some great strategies floating out there in the collective wisdom that is the parenting community! Bring them on!

Survival Strategies:

#1 Quiet activities: Books, colouring, playdough, puzzles- all of these are your friends. Next time I get sick, the first thing I am going to do is go and buy Audrey a new puzzle. (She is OBSESSED with puzzles right now.) Because those quiet toddler activities are a life saver- they allow you to lie half asleep on the couch while your kid (hopefully) can entertain themselves for 3 minutes.

#2 Cut your to do list: Yes there are still things we have to still do even when we are sick. Like, you know, feed the child. But cut out any of the extras. Do not try to be super women/man. Just don’t. Give yourself a break and permission to leave the dishes or let the laundry go unfolded. (My husband knows this was my strategy all too well. At one point I think we had 3 full baskets of clean laundry for a good 5 days before I finally felt well enough to deal with it. Husband would deal with it, except no one would be able to find their clothing if he put it away. Love you honey!)

#3 Ask for help. Full disclosure- I suck at this one. But I think, as parents, we all need to do it more. The truth is that if you get two toddlers together- they will entertain each other. Sometimes two is easier then one. So it would be great if we felt more comfortable as parents asking each other for help. I’ll watch your kids if you aren’t feeling well, you watch mine. Not all the time, but a two hour nap when you feel horrible is a huge help. I think part of the reason I hesitated to do this this time is in part because I really didn’t want to be around friends and get anyone else sick. But in retrospect, it probably would have been fine with some good hand washing and cover your mouth when you cough techniques. Point being, our lives would all be easier if we pooled our collective time (and sanity) more often.

#4 Okay, I’m out of ideas. Do you have any? What helps you get through being sick? How do you cope when you feel horrible and your kid(s) are full of energy?

I do not have the biggest tea stash. If you had asked me last fall before we moved from Calgary to New Westminster, I might have been in the top 10% of tea stashes. But when we moved I cleared a lot of my tea stash out. The less we could move the better.

I also found there were a lot of teas I just wasn’t drinking. So they sat there and sat there. And old tea is just not good. Besides that, I really try to keep my cupboards full of only stuff we regularly use.

When we moved out here we brought a few teas with us. My husband (@frenchpressme) was involved in choosing the tea menu for the Fratello cafe at the Calgary Farmers market- so we had some really awesome tea samples from that. I also learned pretty quickly where to get the best Tea in New Westminster; The Great Wall Tea Company. (You can also find them on twitter: @greatwalltea) Essentially, we don’t have all that many teas, but the ones we have are REALLY REALLY good.

Here is out at home stash.

In the picture you see:

Back Left to Right: Great Wall black tea, I think it is called Bukhail or Bukkail (hand written, I can’t tell); Green Wall green tea called Hojicha; Roobios tea from Idle (I love making Red tea lattes in the winter and iced Roobios with juice in the summer); Assorted herbal tea from Mighty Leaf.

Also at the back right you will see the BEST contraption for brewing loose leaf tea. It’s called a BREWT and essentially you put the loose leaf tea and water in and then once it is steeped you put it on top of your mug or pot and it drains from the bottom so there are no leaves in your tea. Awesome. I also have a smaller version from an other company that I keep at work.

Front left to right: Great Wall Tea Black Pumpkin Spice in the mason jar; Great Wall Tea Green tea called Kuhicha; AND Great Wall Tea Arbo Grey. Arbo Grey is a specially blend of cream earl grey and 20% lavender that @jenarbo invented and you can get only at Great Wall Tea. It is amazing. Go buy some.

I also have a tea stash at work. It looks like this:

It includes (left to right): Chai, Breakfast Tea, Honey n’ Cream- All from Assam Tea.

Then my Teaopia tea press, just like the one we have at home. And a small travel container of my very favourite “Arbo Grey” tea (mentioned above).

Now, there are still a few teas I would like to get. I need some Chai for home. I love Chai, a lot, and I know I would brew it up at home if I had some there. I also need to get some of my favourite green tea. It is called Genmaicha and is green tea with roasted rice. I love it! I am also currently without a good English Breakfast tea, which is an other one of my favourites. A couple more really good herbal teas would be nice too. So I may need to take a trip to Great Wall Tea and splurge one of these days to complete my collection.

But there you have it, my tea stash!

*Just like Amber, I am not receiving any compensation from any of the tea companies mentioned in this post. I am just sharing what I like.

I think I have also mentioned before that I believe I am a ‘school age parent’. I’m not sure, because, you know, I don’t have a school aged kid, I just have a toddler. But what I do know for sure is that the baby/toddler stage is not where I shine.

Now that’s not to say I don’t think I am a good parent. Despite all the blame the mother messages, guilt over this choice or that, pressure to be the perfect mom and all the other things our society heaps on us as parents that makes this parenting job OH SO MUCH MORE DIFFICULT, I actually believe I am a pretty good parent. I am loving, kind, reasonably consistent, reasonably effective with dealing with problem behaviour, and good at being aware of my individual kid and her individual needs and responding as such.

But. I still don’t feel ‘at home’ in the toddler years. They are better then the ‘baby’ stage, where I felt horribly inadequate and lost, but I still don’t feel I am ‘great’ at the toddler stage.

photo by Hey Paul via Flickr Creative Commons

One of the main reasons is that I really struggle with engaging in toddler play. There, I said it. This one is hard for me to admit guys, because I feel bad about it. How could I not know how to play with my kid? How can anyone not know how to play?

I just don’t. Sort of. There are parts of it I am good at. I am happy to have lengthy conversations with Audrey, letting her take the lead and letting the conversation twist and turn and repeat, as she asks the same questions over and over again and practices that odd toddler cyclical logic. That’s fun, because wow does she come up with some hilarious things. I love reading to her and taking her to the park. I am even happy to put on some music and have a dance off. But when she asks me to draw with her or build lego or play house… I can do it… but its just not fun to me. I get bored quickly and that imaginative play just doesn’t come naturally to me. I just want to go back to knitting or whatever.

Some parents seem to be naturals at coming up with games and activities and crafts to do with their kids. Fun ideas to fill up a rainy day. My brain just doesn’t function that way. I’d rather get in the car and go on an adventure to try and find somewhere (anywhere) indoor for her to play. I’d rather her colour or pretend to cook or play with her puzzles on her own, rather then get down on the floor with her. Oh, that sounds horrible. See! Its hard not to feel like a bad mom for admitting this!

But I know I am not a bad Mom. I am an imperfect human. And my kid will not be ruined for life because I am not good at making up games and engaging in imaginative play. (Also, my wonderful husband who is an amazing Dad is great at this, so you know, its not like A is depending totally on me for this.) It’s how I am built- I have always lived more in the world of ideas then in the world of fantasy. My greatest fear is being put on the spot and asked to do something creative. I like concrete goals and things with a clear beginning, middle and end. Imaginative play was never my strong suit- I always preferred to read a book. I can be creative when coming up with solutions to problems, but other then that, my creative side is lacking. At least that is how it feels to me.

I think one of the hardest things we encounter as a parent is to make peace with our imperfections and the ways in which we aren’t always the ‘perfect’ parent. A couple people have tried to encourage me to embrace my (non existent) “silly side” and just get down on the floor and play. I’ve tried and I will continue to try, but it will never be my strength. Send me in to deal with a tantrum- sure, that I can do. It’s not fun, but I feel much more able to do that then to make up a toddler ‘game’ to play.

But I can’t be the only parent out there that feels like this. Right? There have to be other Left Brain dominant individuals out there that find this equally challenging. Or maybe there is an other aspect of being  the ‘perfect’ parent that you struggle with? I figure we all must have our things, right?

I have no idea how to end this post. Confession made. Guilt exposed. Attempt to partially accept my own foibles partially successful. I guess.

Really, I think this is just a call out there to the rest of the parenting world– none of us are perfect, right? Anyone want to join in and confess their foibles?

The way things work out, we had a number of great breaks over the last couple months, where Audrey was literally away for either one night or multiple nights at a time. Essentially, we had a couple periods ranging from 24 hours to 4 or 5 days where husband and I were 100% child free.

I can’t tell you how luck we are that we have this. I get that this is not the norm- many parents, even ones with family in town, don’t have the easy going kid that we have who is quite happy to have a grandparent put her to bed. I know when I told my colleagues that we were sending Audrey over to the Island my parents live on for 5 days, they were shocked that Audrey would be okay with that. So it is the combination of really great parents and a really adaptable child that makes this all possible. Again, I count us as lucky.

But, reality is, there is a downside to these breaks. And I bring it up here not to complain about what is otherwise a very good situation. I bring it up because it says something very interesting about toddlers. I’m going to call it the Grandparent Effect. It goes something like this.

Audrey goes to Grandparent(s) house. She has a good time. She is a little charmer who is pretty well behaved. Children always behave better for someone other then their parents.

Husband and I get a break. But then we start to miss her like crazy. Crazy enough that all I want to do is go and get her, scoop her up in my arms and read her a book while cuddling on the couch. I quickly forget the two year old challenges- whinnying, crying, complaining that we gave her the wrong cup, frustration over her refusal to use the potty (that’s an other post). All that is forgotten and I just want to chat with her about her day.

So then we go to get her. And the minute she is within two feet of me she turns into a whiny, clingy mess! Not at all the reunion I pictured. She asks me to colour with her and then freaks out when I don’t do it right. She cry’s, wants me to carry her around and generally makes me want to turn around and run out the door.

What I have come to realize though is that this is 100% normal and to be expected. At least for my kid. The reality of the situation is is that no matter how adaptable and easy going she is, Mommy and Daddy is where she feels more safe. And if she spends prolonged time without Mommy and Daddy a certain amount of stress and tension builds up, emotions that she can’t express. So instead of saying to us when we get there, “Mommy, Daddy, I knew you would come back but I missed you and that made me sad”, she flips out and becomes the most clingy toddler ever.

Now some would probably say that if a situation causes her a certain amount of stress and tension, then that situation should be avoided. I disagree. I think part of childhood is learning that one can handle being out of ones comfort zone just fine. And besides that, I think the memories of fun times with Grandparents is one of the best joys of childhood- and that’s worth missing Mom and Dad occasionally.

I have come to realize that toddlers behaviour is often defined by the emotions they can’t process or express. Tired, hungry, confused, overwhelmed- all of these come out in that toddlers emotional release method of choice. Crying, whinnying, temper tantrums, whatever works for that kid.

And while I “get” it, that doesn’t make it any easier. Clingy/Whinyness is probably the behaviour I struggle with the most as a parent. It bothers me, even when I know it shouldn’t. I get it’s normal, I get why she does it, but I really really don’t like it. Especially when I just spend the last 24 hours missing her and all I want to do is get a glimpse of those “golden” parental moments. Those fun, cuddly, laughing times where you feel nothing but “my child is the best child in the whole wide world”.

But those times come. After the unexpressed emotions flow out and routine is re-established. I just have to have a little patience. And remember that being a toddler isn’t as easy as it seems.

Making Pancakes with Papa

Now I get it that 2012 is, as @torturedpotato expresses, is just a collection of dates. (Awesome post by the way my friend!) So if I want something fro 2012, then its me that has to do the doing to get the something. You know? Hence the value of resolutions. Now, sure, I could make a resolution for a year on April 3 or Oct 11 or any other day, but January 1st just seems such a logical day to make resolutions.

Oh, wait, it’s January 2nd? Oh well, sorry about that. You see I was on a Ferry yesterday and I am battling this wicked cold and you know….

Better late then never.

Resolutions:

1) Learn how to make Pho

I freakin’ love Pho. And when I get a Pho craving… I just NEED it. (Pho =Vietnamese Noddle Soup AKA the CURE FOR ALL THINGS). And sure, living in the Lower Mainland there are lots of places to get Pho fast and cheap, but I want to learn how to make my own Pho. So that I can freeze the broth and always have some on hand for impromptu Pho cravings. Anyone willing to lend me their Vietnamese Grandma for a cooking lesson?

Photo by LWY via Flickr Creative Commons

2) Walk more

Every year I resolve to get fit. One year, right before my wedding, I did it. But most years I don’t. I keep trying to ‘fit’ a workout into my busy schedule and it’s just not working for me. So instead, I am going to resolve to walk more. Take the long route. Walk instead of drive whenever possible. Walk Audrey to Day Home on nice days. If I can fit in even 45 minutes- an hour of walking a day, that would make a big difference.

3) Worry less about money

The reality is, that I spent a lot of 2011 worrying about money. The reality also is that we have a lot more then a lot of other people. We are very lucky and in no way hard done by. Really, not being able to take out cash for extra’s for a week or two- this is not the end of the world. We can pay our bills, we can keep food on our table and clothing on our backs. We are lucky. I need to except that we are tight on our budget and stop worrying about it. That doesn’t mean keep spending, that just means stop worrying. Money is not worth worrying about.

4) Not feel guilty when I don’t blog

I started this blog as a way to express myself. And in the two years I have been doing it is has gone up and down in terms of traffic, comments and engagement. For various reasons I am sure. But I need to get back to the core reasons why I write- for me. Not that you guys don’t matter- it is just that I never set out to be a ‘popular’ blog. So why am I beating myself up for not doing what I need to do to build the traffic here? I know I don’t have the time to read and comment on a hundred other blogs and post every other day and find new ways to promote my blog. And while I love reading others blogs, the part I really enjoy is writing. Just writing. So in 2012 that is my goal. I am going to write when and what I want to write. That’s it. Anything else is icing on the cake.

5) Finish the blanket my Grandmother started crocheting for me

About 6 months ago, my parents came back from visiting my Grandparents in Ontario. With them, they brought a crocheted Afghan that my Gran has started making for me, but found she couldn’t finish. Her eyesight is going and, well, she is 89 years old. So my Mom brought it back and was going to finish it for me. While on Salt Spring, my Mom taught me how to finish it instead. So I am going to finish my own blanket. Then I will have a blanket that my Grandma, Mom and I have all put stitches into and that is meaningful to me. Maybe I can get Audrey to do at least one stitch too!

Best Wishes to everyone in 2012! Warmth and Peace to you all!