They pointed a finger at you, and you voluntarily went back to jail, leaving your aging mom to fend for herself. What superlative sacrifice!

This should serve a lesson to the media hounding you, and all those people who said that you should be given strict punishment for the murder you committed some ten years back.

What punishment? I say you should be released from jail immediately. You should be a chapter in law books that teaches people the values of integrity, honesty and self esteem.

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I have blood on my hands. Well, not right now. Not as i type. Wouldn’t want to stain the keyboard. Anyway, it isn’t even just blood. There’s some other gory stuff as well.

For those of you who have watched (and enjoyed, i daresay) the spectacle of that Discovery show called Man vs Wild where this brave guy catches fish with the bare hands and rips their head off for the protein, i have been doing some bare handed killing myself.

The best part is that the more i kill, the more there seem to be. Its like the akshay patra of Mahabharata, the bowl that was always full of food. Somewhere in China, maybe they fry and eat these beings but i dont think i am quite yet ready to eat a mosquito pakora.

(Swatted one just now as i stopped for a breath in between paras, Obama style. I got the sucker.)

Nothing beats the joy of finding a lonely fat (it’s most likely my blood in there) machchar, and swooping in for the kill like a vulture diving to pick up a rat from the ground. It’s not easy, and the amateurs will likely have a low success rate. It’ll take some practice before you can reach fire and forget levels of surety.

We all grew up reading stories of Tiger hunts organized for lazy Maharajahs or visiting foreign dignitaries (read gora ruler). For the similarly lazy souls who want to enjoy the thrill but don’t want to endure the grind of the mosquito hunt, there’s a way out. It’s sold by the name of Hit. Yes, that magical chemical that you spray all over and the mosquitoes either die or go into a coma. You just go into the room and crush the nasty critters under your lakhani hawai chappal. Also, hold your nose lest the hunter become the hunted. The room is still under the Hit influence.

For the voyeuristically oriented, try a mosquito net. Get a few machchars trapped in the net, and then play with them a bit before unleashing the hawai chappal on the hapless assoles. Me, my snore motor doesn’t even start unless i have at least half a dozen splatters on the hands.

If New York had its cockroaches, Delhi sure has its army of mosquitoes. (Not to say that there’s no cockroaches here.)

There may be a handful Tiger reserves in India, but Delhi has 47,000 Mosquito hideouts. And nothing about the numbers is reserved. You can hunt as much as you please.

PETA people, to be frank i give a rat mosquito’s ass. I may have single handledly halved the mosquito growth rate, but it’s all in self defense. I have lost so much sleep scratching away that i actually find myself missing coffee these days.

Damn, i see a little gang coming this way. Time to set up sniper camp.

No related posts.

I was appalled by the cartoon in today’s newspaper. I have long held this paper in high esteem, and somehow it hurts to see such a  distasteful statement.

I know it is fashionable to declare one’s secular credentials. I know that people have coined a term pseudo secularism for this behavior, but still.

Narendra Modi has served three terms as Gujarat chief minister. He has been lauded for the development in the state under his government. He was most recently chosen as The Asian Winner of the FDi Personality of the Year for 2009 by fDi Magazine. He is a well respected figure in his state, and outside.

In a country where the current Prime Minister didn’t even bother to stand for election, and where most other states aren’t doing half as well as Gujarat, why should the man responsible for so much progress be subjected to such ridiculous humor?

This, when your newspaper had no qualms about printing full page advertisements just yesterday remembering the only Indian Prime Minister to ever invoke emergency on the country following an election defeat, and in the wake of whose death thousands of innocent people were slit or burnt alive by her followers?

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First the all important question. Why do you want to move to India? Seriously. Think again.  If you are coming back because you think India is this awesome place growing at a rapid pace where you would be able to enjoy all that life (and money) has to offer, then please reconsider your decision.

If you come expecting a thousand watt halogen lamp, the hopeful candle flickering in the wind might come as a disappointment.

NRI City – Greater Noida. “Bringing Singapore to India“

Return to India only if you have a very solid reason that will sustain you through the transition period (and beyond), during which you will crib about everything from the traffic, pollution, corruption, cows, buffaloes, and the silly speed bump outside your house. This reason could be work, family, emotions, a hidden treasure that you left under the tree on that plot near the house, the one that has been taken up by the newest unauthorized temple in town.

Come back because you want to do something for the country and put your brain to the nation’s development, and you will spend a good amount of time in disillusionment before you even get started. For India will tell you that it doesn’t need you. And that’s because India takes pride in disowning ordinary NRIs. Become governor of an American state, and then come talk to us. Or at the very least win a damn Nobel.

Come back because you want your kids to be raised with Indian values, and boy will you be in for a shock? Indian kids seem to have left America somewhere behind.

To be fair, the positives of life in India are many. No more visa hassles. No worrying about going out of status. No worrying about being an alien in a foreign land. The feeling that you can go anywhere and do whatever you want – its your country. Then of course there’s the Mangoes and the Gulab Jamuns, which virtually clinched the deal for me.

India can be a lot of fun, but only if your expectations are set realistically. I  moved to India a few months back after spending half a decade in the US. I suppose my transition period is still continuing, but i am happy. I moved back to be with family, and after many years i got to celebrate a real Diwali this year. I am overjoyed!

If you do decide to take the plunge, here’s notes from my R2I (as ‘Return to India’ is affectionately referred to) experience. If you find these helpful, don’t forget to drop me some moolah in the paypal account. (I may just let you manage the huge endowment my Nigerian uncle left me last week via email.)

Here’s a little checklist of things to do before you pack your bags and fly back to India. (Hopefully you will fly Air India, and hopefully the crew will have an argument en route. Nobody provides in-flight entertainment like a messed up Air India crew.)

Have a Plan of What you are Going to do in India.

Where are you going to live? What will you eat? What will you drive? What will you DO?

This cannot be overemphasized. India is a busy country with a lot of unpleasant distractions, and without a steady occupation you could easily get bogged down by the weight of the very heavy nation.

Have a clear plan of what you will do when you get here. Find a job. Prepare a business plan if the entrepreneurship spirit tickles. Buy a farm. Find a village that you will save from drought/cruel Zamindars/ The British/Pakistan. Form an NGO.

You get the idea.

Settle your Finances.

I closed most of my credit card accounts except for the most commonly used ones. I might get them also closed now. The bank account is still open, but most of the balance has been remitted

Make sure you close out all that is outstanding. Unless you are sure you will never come back to the US and have big contacts that might prevent you from getting deported from India, please don’t commit any fraud. Better still, make sure you actively find out and sort out all open issues.

Once you are gone and they are unable to trace you, your account will just go into collection and your credit will be forever ruined.

(Image courtesy – http://www.badcredithistory.org.uk/)

Settle your Apartment Lease.

Even if you can break the lease, you will likely have to give some notice period, so it might make sense to time your move around this issue, especially if you live in a big city like New york where rentals are as complicated and expensive as they are.

You could buy a little car in India for a month’s rent up in the Big Apple.

Sell your House.

If you had the good fortune of buying a house, then selling it off may be a good idea. Be sure to factor in time for the sale while planning your move.

Ship your Stuff

This one’s the fun part. Basically there’s two shipping modes. There’s ocean freight, and there’s air freight. Ocean freight goes by the container load. You can get a full container, or do an LCL (Less than Container Load) shipment. This mode is relatively cheaper, but takes a long time. A few months at the least. Dont dump all your undies in the container.

The other option is air freight. This one would typically be by the pound, and comes out to be much more expensive than ocean shipment, making it not very practical if you are shifting an entire home, furniture and all. Me, i didn’t move any furniture. Just books (lots of them), clothes, and assorted stuff. I flew them to India, and it took about 10 days end to end. Pretty neat.

I did have to go to the airport to get my shipment released and pay the duty. You get to pay a discounted duty if you can prove that you are transferring residence.  The duty officers would open all boxes in front of you, and come up with an estimate of the total value of the shipment.

There are many shipping companies whose services you could use for sending your shipment. The very helpful person from my shipping company  pointed out though that it may be much cheaper to send everything directly through the airline instead of going through the shipping company.  As in, you send via air freight directly with the airline, and take out the shipping company middleman. Somebody please try and let me know how that goes. It was too late by the time i got this info!

Do a Dress Rehearsal

Ideally, before you move back come stay in India for a month or so to get a feel of things. This is especially important if you haven’t been to India for 5-10 years. A lot has changed since those prehistoric times.

Good Luck with the Move.

Make an informed decision, and plan your move thoroughly and in advance. If you have done your homework well, things will be smooth. Otherwise a cross continent move can be a very stressful experience.

The good news is that they don’t travel by boats anymore. No one in India will be able to call you a FOB.

Some Useful Resources:

NRIOL
R2I Club Forums – This forum was a blessing. Any question that you have about the move has probably already been asked here. If not, then there are people more than willing to help out.
GaramChai’s R2I forums
NeoIndian’s 40 resources to plan your move to India
Ashish’s initial post before the move, and the one year followup!
This blog by Mahipal who is going to move to India in 2010, and already planning the move.

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The theme for the competition is My India and through their designs these kids are supposed to tell us what India means to them. Over 4000 entries were submitted out of which the top 45 have been selected. Now it is open to the public to decide who is the best doodler.

Online voting is open from 21st of October 2009 to 31st of October 2009. Go cast your vote  for your favorite design.

There’s three categories: 1-3rd, 4-6th, and 7-10th standard. Teeny kids if you ask me, but the designs blew my mind. I am no artist  but damn, these kids are good.

Sample some of my favorites. This one is the creation of Vansh from 1st standard. (Yes, that’s some 5 years old!)

Jai Ho

My doodle depicts few of the endless contributions made by India to the world. India has never invaded any country in the past 10,00 years of history and taught the world non-violence and peace by Gandhiji. Aryabhatta invented zero. Ayurveda is the earliest school of medicine. 2600 years ago Sushrutha, father of surgery conducted complicated operations. Pythagorean Theorem was first explained by Budhayana. Chess, snakes and ladders, art of navigation, etc originated in India. I wish that someday with my contributions, I’ll be able to occupy a space in somebody’s doodle as a person who contributed for this lovely country.

Another one.  Shounak. 5th Standard.

Bullock cart to Chandrayan I

India for me, is a country which denoted an endless journey. Modernity and tradition walks hand in hand. India always had an identity of her own. Her people- each different from one another, but each of them are unique as ‘Indians’. My doodle depicts glimpses of ancient culture and at the same time India surging forward in the development of science and technology by launching the Chandrayan I. Chandrayan I symbolizes India’s quest for knowledge and her undying spirit to continue her journey towards a brighter future.

Finally, a very professional looking creation from M. Indu in the senior category (7-10th)

Journey to rural India

We often forget to enjoy small pleasures in life. My doodle invited you to visit a village and experience it. G: joy is expressed through folk dances. O: emotions are expressed through folk music. O: commuting in an eco friendly environment. G: beauty of nature and agriculture that can be seen in a village. L: represents one of the folk dances performed in a rural area. E: the joy of nature can only be achieved by viewing it whole-heartedly.

Go to the competition site and check out the other entries. I just cant stop being amazed at the amount of creativity in the 45 shortlisted designs.

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So who among us has ever tried this? I would like to hear from you.

Most people wont even be fit enough to balance themselves from the slippery, narrow perch high above the ground, me thinks. Not to mention the drop from that height.

Paints a grim picture in my head!

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The Maharaja witnessed his first in-flight Mughal-e-Azam at 30,000 feet above sea level on Saturday, as two members of the cabin crew—one male and one female—slugged it out with the pilot and co-pilot. [link]

(Click the image to watch a video report)

So the air hostess screwed up in her pre flight announcement. The captain hauled her up for the mistake. The purser (who was apparently a qualified pilot but didn’t get the job) took her side. They all traded blows. The air hostess filed molestation charges against the pilot.

If this flight were a movie, we could say that this was a publicity stunt. The best publicity stunt ever.

There were unconfirmed reports that at one stage the cockpit was unmanned, as the crew was busy fighting outside. Things allegedly degenerated to the point where the captain threatened to divert the plane to Karachi, likening the situation, sources said, to a “hijack”.

And the irony of it all – this drama happened while the plane was flying over our very friendly neighbor to the west.

Ah the joys of flying Air India.

I flew Air India once from New York to Delhi. That was  to be the last time. Leaky roofs don’t really inspire the sort of confidence you are looking for while flying 10 kms above the ground.

National Carrier! National Shame?

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But today i feel that more than gaining independence it was the discipline that you taught your children that was your greatest gift. You united them all. The Punjabi, the Marathis, the Tamils, Bengalis, men of all castes and religion stood up together as one.

You brought India together.

Come back, dear Mohandas Gandhi.

Come back before your children kill each other in fits of anger. We need your lesson of non violence more than ever today.

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A few thousand years later, Nina Paley has created a brilliant modern day story about the life of Sita. It’s called Sita Sings the Blues.

Here’s a trailer.

Watch the full movie HERE (There is an option to watch the movie online, as also one to download the entire thing)

Nina derived inspiration from her own story, after her husband broke up with her via email when she was traveling. The movie is entirely Nina’s baby, and took a few years in the making.

The movie has been winning critical acclaim all over the place. It has been released on the internet under a creative commons license, so it is essentially freeware, starting a new movement in the distribution of digital media.

I saw the movie a while back when it aired on PBS back in New York, and was very impressed. I was going to write about it but somehow missed. Better late than never, like Ram once said.

More information about the film on the official site. Try to watch it if you already haven’t.

Happy Dussehra, BTW!

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Roll in Style. Get a Tank. You will never get stuck in a traffic jam ever again. Look around for an Arjun MBT. The Indian army doesn’t seem to want it, and you might just get a great deal there.

It works three ways. First, people would get intimidated out of your path. Second, you can just fire up your 120mm gola and blow up anybody holding up traffic. Last and most practical way – you can simply go over hapless cars stuck in front.

Try finding another ATV that makes your life so easy.

Of course, you might not be able to meet the speed limit on the road that you just cleared up.

A Set of Oars. The importance of a pair of oars during rainy season can not be over-emphasized. Carry a set of oars in the car, and monsoons will become a happy season for you.

Imagine you are going home after a long day of work and come across this submerged underpass. Other hapless drivers will make a sad face and just wait like silly losers, but you will take out your oars, roll down the windows, and sail away to glory like the Tom Hanks of Castaway.

Talk the talk, Cursive style. Learn as many abuses as you can. Not the English ones. Only Hindi will do.

A solid repertoire comes in handy if you get caught up in a little argument. Try for at least a dozen two pounders.  If you can manage a two kg, it will be a killer. A 5 kg, and nobody will even dare get in a confrontation with you.

Know thy Police Wala. Name throwing is what Delhiites do. Whenever a police wala catches you, you can always say tu jaanta nahi hai mai kaun hoon (you have no idea who i am). Followed by the name of the local ACP, who can be your mama/chacha (uncle) as per preference.

Of course, you need to be sure that it isnt the ACP himself hauling you up. That would be very embarrassing.

Walk. Walking can do wonders for your life.

• You can never be stuck in a traffic jam.
• You can get some  much needed exercise.
• You can actually enjoy the sights and sounds of the city.
• You save petrol money.
• You do a good bit for the environment.

Carry along a Plucker. A plucker is a very handy device that is probably used by Jain monks somewhere to get rid of the hair on their head,  one tiny pull at a time, en route to penance.

How will this help you might wonder. The deal is that this will keep you distracted when stuck on outer ring road for multiple hours. Keep plucking away, and the temptation to bang your head on the windshield wont be an issue anymore.

As an aside, for those without any hair on the head, try the legs.

Deci-Bal . Use a regular horn at your own risk. We recommend getting one that belts out so many decibels that just the force of your sound scatters everybody blocking your path.

If a jet plane goes at 100db, find a horn that belts out 200. Use it well, and you could be the local Shaktiman protecting the innocent from the evil.

Fly Away. Ask your neighborhood mechanic to fit in a sixth gear in your car. With a sixth gear, your car would be able to fly.

Many people in Delhi think that their cars have sixth gears – they are mistaken. Make sure you go to a trustworthy mechanic, and not a fly-by-night operator. If you are unable to find one, go back to point 1.

Don’t Walk. Walking may be good and all that, but one fine day when you are navigating the traffic while crossing the road in the middle of the market, this guy in a tank rolls up and just drives over you. You will be reduced to a mere paste.

Do not walk. It is for your own safety.

There you go. Follow these rules, and life will not be the same for you. The next time you actually enjoy driving in Delhi, think of me when you get home.

(About the author: The author is a veteran on Delhi roads. He has been driving for over a decade now, and specializes in long distance commutes. He once spent 5 hours doing a commute that normally takes an hour, and ever since people have noticed how he seems to have lesser hair on his head than earlier. Over the years he has built up an impressive repertoire of 2 and 5kgs, and looks forward to an occasion to put his skills to the test. He has never been hauled up by a cop except that one time when he was a silly teenager and paid Rs 100 to a cop because he didn’t have change in his pocket, and didnt know any better.

He continues to look for a mechanic who can fit that damn sixth gear in his car.)

(Image1 – Chinese Tankman  at Tianenmen square)

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