Take that, you American sense of humor.

The joke was on super rich Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, and the Golden Temple montage purportedly shown as his opulent summer home. But our religious sentiments are like Chinese toys; easily upset. So there we were, up in arms outraging against racist Jay Leno, who has no regards for a plularist world order, and doesnt care about minorities.

Personally, i think it is disgusting that a man of such intellect, a man who indulges in intellectual pursuits of the highest order would stoop so low so as to show a place of so much importance to our Sikh brothers in such shameful light.

Just what were they thinking? We will show a a picture of the Golden Temple and no one will notice, since anyway most Sikhs are taxi drivers and wont be able to afford cable? Too bad mister Leno, turns out they can.

According to court documents filed in Los Angeles Superior Court on Tuesday obtained by TheWrap, Mr Dhillon, who does business as Bol Punjabi All Regions Community Organization, claims Leno ‘hurt the sentiments of all Sikh people in addition to those of the plaintiff’ with the joke. He also claims the remark ‘clearly exposes plaintiff, other sikhs and their religion to hatred, contempt, ridicule and obloquy because it falsely portrays the holiest place in the Sikh religion as a vacation resort owned by a non-Sikh’. [link]

People have rightly taken up this cause in protest. Sikh groups have submitted petitions to bring Jay Leno to justice. An Indian American has already sued him. Even the usually lethargic, sloth of an Indian government has rapped the US on its knuckles for the inability to control their people. Too bad that the US ended up snubbing us, talking of Leno’s civil liberties and suggesting that he was just being satirical.

Satirical! Pfft. Those people were always crazy, talking about stuff such as civil liberties and freedom of expression. That’s not how you run governments.

I say we shouldn’t settle for anything less than capital punishment for such a massive offense. These people who mess around with religious sentiments need a precedent to be set. After all, isnt this what religion is about? Punishment for anyone from outside our religion who says anything about us? All Kaafirs must be killed. Men who eat the cow develop udders. Those who mess with the pope get constipation for life.

This fight needs to be continued. I just hope that the good Anna will pick up the cause and go one at least a 4 hour fast in support. Maybe even Baba Ramdev could pitch in. A few candle light vigils. Protest outside the US consulate. There’s so many ways to show them that we will not tolerate any more nonsense.

Or, here’s another brilliant idea. The people of Punjab should boycott America. Tell them we are not going to come anymore. Hang Leno, and then we will talk. It must be so hurtful to even live in a country where they disrespect our religion thus.

Yes, lets’ just do that. We should boycott America. And everything American. No more McDonalds. No more Subway [Eat Freshhh!]. No more Levis. No more desperate pleas for a US visa. We should suffocate them. We should grab their throats till they spit out the guilty party.

India is a superpower. We should not take crap against us lying down.

PS: A note to our friends from all religious bodies. If you aren’t doing so already, invest in a platinum pack DTH connection with DVR, and hire a person to watch every show on TV. You need to be proactive in catching any derogatory comment they may pass against our religions; cant trust anyone these days.

Jai Mata Di.

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But as is the mantra these days, there’s nothing like bad publicity.

Salman Rushdie is back in the public eye, and most certainly his book sales have spiked. Best part is, he didnt even have to do much to get there. All he had to say was he is willing to attend the festival.The clerics who want him killed and the state which has become so very susceptible to blackmail made it easy for him.

More importantly, Rushdie has now opened up the forum for others. Everybody and their mother-in-law has an opinion around the Rushdie saga. Doesn’t matter if they even knew what Rushdie had done to offend so many people, or read a single page of his ill-fated book.

There were brownie points to be earned. You don’t need to read books for that.

Once a door for publicity is opened, its a free for all. You can always jump in and ride the wave. Remember how Kolaveri sparked a million remakes, and most of them got reasonable success? In a way, publicity is like a farm of 6 feet tall, ready to harvest Sugarcane. Jump in, harvest the lot, enjoy while the stock lasts.

The ones who were the first to express support for the banned writer gained the most points. Late arrivals to the party had to resort to strong opinions to get their share of the fame.

Taslima Nasreen, that wonderful woman who would rid the world of all men if she could, jumped in scoring quick boundaries like a Sehwag on a flat track.

Stronger words followed, from one exiled person banished by religious fanatics to another one.

Taslima ji raced to her hundred in double quick time. Meanwhile, lesser celebs on Twitter kept fishing for RTs via their own thoughts on the matter. It was good karma floating all around.

Chetan Bhagat, India’s best selling author of modern times went for the long handle.

‘Banned writers aren’t heroes.’ The ball was out of the park. First ball hit for a six. He went on to elaborate. ”Banned books have hurt people, they have hurt the Muslims. Let’s not make heroes out of them (referring to Rushdie).” There’s a reason the man has sold billions of books.

By now, nearly everybody who matters has expressed their opinion. It is so heart warming to see all the love going around.

Everybody’s a winner in the Salman Rushdie affair. The clerics who wanted him away got what they asked for. The govt asked him to not come, and had their way. Salman Rushdie got talked about more than if he had come to the festival, so obviously he has nothing to complain about. Taslima Nasreen got some points. Chetan Bhagat managed to prove his secular credentials. I got to write a post.

This is the stuff humanity is made of. Whoever said life was a zero sum game? Play it well, and everybody can win.

Gandhiji would be so proud of us today. I think i’ll cry.

[Image courtesy]

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Here’ an excerpt from the official press release.

“MTV Roadies has grown to become a phenomenon in India over the past years. Young people these days grow up dreaming of becoming Roadies, not doctors, engineers or MBAs.

The Roadies selection process have matured significantly over the years. It can be safely said that anyone who can get through them is guaranteed to be a achiever who will go to any extent to achieve success. Roadies auditions have become voyages of self discovery for young, smart people with dreams in their eyes and passion in their hearts.

The trio of Raghu, Rajeev and Rannvijay are masters at psychology who can judge the inner strengths of individuals within minutes. They also have the unique skill of unleashing people’s hidden talents that they themselves fail to recognize. There have been many cases of people who came to the auditions less than confident of themselves and left as changed individuals.

People have been known to appear and reappear for the auditions over multiple years, till they finally develop the keen skills required to succeed.

Youngsters who clear the rigorous grilling by the three iconic judges are a national asset who must be valued and channelized appropriately. They possess just the right mindset for changing the nation as well as the passion required for being successful.

Keeping the light this available talent pool and the existing shortfall of officers for the prestigious Indian Administrative Services, it was proposed that people who clear the Roadies auditions should get a direct entry to the IAS interviews, bypassing the nearly two year long process involving the gruelling prelims and mains papers. Upon clearing these interviews, successful candidates would then be assigned their cadres and sent for training. Successful completion of training would see them returning to serve the nation as IAS officers.

At this juncture the Indian nation needs the right talent to take us into the 21st century, and Roadies has given us a great opportunity of identifying the right people for the job.

We look forward to successful careers of these bright minds serving our great nation, and would like to recognize MTV Roadies for presenting us this invaluable opportunity.

Jai Hind.”

Had to happen one day. Now nothing can stop us from getting into that elusive UN security council.

[Baking News brings to you figments of our fertile imagination. Believe anything said here at your own risk. That said, truth is sometimes stranger than fiction, so don't be too surprised if this ends up flashing as a Breaking News on Times Now soon.]

[Watch all the raw, uncensored Roadies action. Full episodes available here]

[Image courtesy]

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While the accuracy of statistical studies can always be questioned, but second last? For a nation that can not stop patting its back for its high-quality theoretical knowledge, where education is valued above everything else, how did things come to this?

The first thought that came to my mind was – “Boy, looks like Indian parents have finally stopped beating their kids.” Which might be where the problem started.

Back in the good old days, if you were a good child your parents rewarded you with a Five star chocolate. Maybe ice-cream. Perhaps a movie outing if you did something really special, like top the entire batch in school, three years in a row. Bad performance wasnt just not rewarded, but there were serious consequences. In Russell Peters’ immortal words, somebody got hurt a real bad every-time you got less than 90% in Math.

Moms were known to turn into tigresses and kids would pee their pants. It was nasty. But it worked.

And then we decided to get civilized.

No more competition, because it can emotionally scar the child. No more scolding them. FIRs to be filed if a teacher dares raise her voice on a child. No more marks. Only grades. This was socialism applied to education. Since no one could fail, the government need not worry about pass percentages anymore. Since students couldn’t fail, they could, well, pursue other interests.

Meanwhile, the Chinese kept beating their kids to bring out the best in them. Their kids grew up to be famous scientists, mathematicians, gymnasts, swimmers, etc. They grew up battered, but they were the best at what they did.

As this Chinese mom wrote, her daughter was not allowed to get grades below A in any subject, or “not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama.” That’s the sort of dedication it takes. If the child cracks, so be it. But at least most of them will grow up smart.

We, our kids went in the other direction. Mobile phones. Drinking. Sexual pursuits. Roadies. The parents thought their boy was going for his tuition, while he was in the park smoking a Gold Flake, girl friend in tow.

Some of the kids started taking too much inspiration from our cricketers, many of whom never completed college. Nobody reminded them of the crucial difference though, that cricketers don’t need to know Math or Science. Or even Cricket, going by recent performances, but that’s besides the point.

And then “3 Idiots” happened. Suddenly, good old slogging was a bad thing. Wildlife photography was in. You could mess around with your teachers. You could come to class drunk and still be a hero. You could commit suicide if the pressure got to you.

China continued to race on. They don’t have time to watch movies.

Our kids mostly gave up on studies, while there was a second group of truly unlucky ones who got pushed into starting IIT coaching from the 8th standard, thereby ending up as nervous wrecks. And before we knew it, we were at the bottom of the heap. Poor Kyrgyzstan must wonder where they went wrong to be the only country worse than us.

The silver lining is that at this rate soon our children won’t know the capital of the state they live in. India would then become America.

So beat your children, India. Beat them hard, and give them Complan. They’ll thank you for it one day.

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Understandably, people are upset. Mahendra Singh Dhoni is upset. His boys are upset. Especially the ones in their late thirties, and with boys of their own.

If this were a movie, the doctor would come out of the operation theater and announce to anxious waiting people that only prayers could save their loved one. “Ab inhein dawa ki nahi, dua ki zaroorat hai.”

The only consolation is that we still have the world cup. Maybe we should start bringing it out after every innings defeat just to psyche up the Australians, to remind them who the real champion is.

Anyway, we thought we should help out. Always there for a little national service. Here’s a few ways we can deal with this immensely important national issue. The 230 million starving Indians can stay hungry a little while more while we get this thing sorted out.

This is obviously not an easy problem to solve. The boys have lost three tests in a row, and still counting. Luckily the Indian team’s losses are limited by the fact there are only limited matches to be played, so the scoreline can not go below 4-0.

There can be multiple strategies of dealing with the situation. Let’s see.

There’s the Stop-Loss strategy. Run away while you can. Go to New Zealand. They have go-karting there. And beautiful hills and lakes. Spend a month. Shoot some ads. Come back. Say the aliens abducted you. There’s no more overseas tests after this one for two years. All will be well again.

The Aggression-is-the-Best-Defense strategy. Virat Kohli displayed admirable aggression the other day, but the middle finger was not enough. More needs to be done.

Watch a few ice hockey games. Watch Bolly movies where the villain’s boxing coach hands him some powder to make the hero go blind, and then beat him to pulp.

The wheel has been invented, just need to use it. Bring in a bowler whose only job is to be aggressive. A few balls to their heads, a bat in their stomach, new names for their mothers and sisters. That’s all. So simple.

In the worst case, he’ll get banned for life, but choose someone who has no chance of a career anyway. Like Kambli. Or Harbhajan Singh.

The Racism card. This NEVER fails. Say that the racist Australians abused our forefathers, thereby psyching the Indians into submission. Or how they keep repeating ‘Teen guna lagaan. Teen guna lagaan” while fielding.

Save Your Face. Replace the team with all second rung players. Say you are building a team for the future. They will lose as expected. Nobody will say anything. All is well.

Remember the sole reason India won the world cup? No silly, not match fixing. Poonam Pandey. Get her. She will motivate the boys into performance.

Lastly remember that we have the BCCI and its treasure chest of currency. They should be able to cajole the Australians into some kind of deal. All the money is in India, which also has most of the global viewers, live tweeters, and overpriced LED TVs to watch the ball crash into Dravid’s middle stump in High Definition. Confucius once said that when all fails, turn to Economics. Listen to him.

If nothing works, get some news channel to break a new scam involving lots of money and an aging politician. Scams come a dime-a-dozen these days. Stay low for a few weeks, watch people get busy, get onion prices to rise four folds, invite Bangladesh over, beat them at tests 5-0, and watch people start writing poems about the boys again.

One last option might to get serious about the game, practice hard, go out and kick ass.

But then that would be so boring.

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The company claimed that missed calls were causing an ever increasing revenue loss to them. In many cases missed calls were being used exclusively as a communication medium, thus necessitating this decision.

The Airtail statement mentioned that missed call numbers have grown by 4,000% over the last two years. In this period, over 50 billion missed calls have been made on their network, thus utilising the Airtail infrastructure but contributing zero revenue for the service rendered.

Charged at the rate of 5 paise per call, the resultant revenue loss to Airtail has been cited at nearly $250 million, or Rs 1000 crore.

The Airtail spokesman made it quite clear – “We are running a profitable organisation here; not in it for social service”.

The company claimed that missed calls were being abused to circumvent the regular purpose of the mobile connection, which is to make calls and talk to people. The spokesman went on to provide more details.

Every morning 4 lakh people in Delhi alone get picked up by their office cabs to go to work. All of them get missed calls ahead of the pickup. Students miss-call their parents once they reach their school/college to confirm safe delivery. Some people have even created codes based on the number of times they let the phone ring before hanging up. 27% of all Airtail connections have only made and recieved missed calls in the last two months.

The decision has taken industry pundits by surprise. NASSCOM expressed dismay at the arbitrary decision by the company. The BJP released a statement saying this decision is going to hit the common man hard, in times when he is already reeling under the heavy load of inflation. Sources inform us that plans are already being drawn up for a bharat bandh later in the week.

We spoke to Urmi, a housewife from Delhi’s Patel Nagar.

“My husband is an MBA. We have two school going children. Both my kids have mobiles which they use to miss-call me when their school bus drops them off in the evening, and i go to pick them up. Our maid miss-calls us on days when she is running late – with one ring for every fifteen minutes she is running late by. I miss-call my husband on evenings when the milkman fails to turn up and i want him to pick up milk on the way home. Charging for missed calls will destroy our monthly budget.”

Airtail stock fell by 15% during the day. Across the nation, people have expressed dismay at this new development. The CPI released a statement saying that it is time greedy corporations such as Airtail gets nationalized.

For now, the company plans to stick to its decision, and has not responded to the criticism leveled at it.

The statement signed off with - “We are doing the country a favor. Our people have forgotten to talk. This way they will talk to each other, which is a good thing”.

[Baking News brings to you figments of our fertile imagination. Believe anything said here at your own risk. That said, truth is sometimes stranger than fiction, so don't be too surprised if this ends up flashing as a Breaking News on Times Now soon.]

Image credit

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We managed to find a crystal ball which told us what’s in store for the year, albeit with a 95% confidence interval.

Believe at your own risk. Here goes a sneak peek at 2012.

India’s chances for a UNSC permanent berth will grow stronger as Surinam and Azerbaijan extend support to our just cause for a place among the world leaders. The parliament will see a stormy monsoon session marred by repeated adjournments as the opposition holds the house to ransom over the 2G scam. The session will close with a crucial resolution to increase MP salaries by 10 times passed by a voice vote, following a historic 10 minute debate.

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh will address the nation a total of three and a half times. The number of fake accounts run in his name on Twitter will grow to 243.

Rahul Gandhi will have dinner at 37 more Dalit homes in UP in the month before the assembly elections. An India TV sting operation will reveal how villagers refused to have him eat at their houses anymore.

Bhola Ram of Chhalera village will become the face of the BJP campaign for his outburst. “We are poor people, and he wanted 4 rotis. Kahan se denge chaar roti? He can eat at my house if he brings along his own wheat and dal.”

Ajmal Kasab and Afzal Guru will continue to await their fates. The state will spend an additional 20 crores on keeping them safe and secure as they await the thorough presidential review of their mercy petitions.

Sachin Tendulkar will finally achieve that 100th hundred on a ground specially laid out for him by the BCCI. Shahid Afridi will claim in a press conference that money was paid to bowlers as an incentive for not getting the little master out. Afridi will announce his final retirement from Test cricket thereafter.

MS Dhoni will become the first sportsperson to earn $100 million in endorsements in a year. He will go on to spark a huge uproar for asking for an 8 month leave from the BCCI to fulfill his ‘business commitments’. The MNS will respond by beating up all people from Bihar and UP in Mumbai.

The London Olympics will see India win a few medals. After the games, the govt will announce its decision to introduce reservation for backward classes, Muslims, Christians, Parsis, Sikhs, Gorkhas, and Tam Brahms would all get representation in future games contingents.

Bollywood will continue to improvise. Shahrukh Khan will announce a new project called “I am NRI” . The film will be followed up with a comic strip , a PS 3 game, an Android app, an Iphone app, “I am NRI” t-shirts, water bottles, suitcases and passport covers.

“I am NRI” will go on to break all records for overseas revenues , while doing a Mig-21 at home. Crash.

On TV, Balika Vadhu will grow stronger, as the producers rub the message of social welfare in. A total of four extra marital affairs will get added to the plot as the lead characters suddenly age by 20 years to reach the middle age.

Saas-bahu relations will reach a new low in the country.

Ekta Kapoor will appear on Arnab’s show and in a candid chat, proclaim that she is merely in the business of entertainment. Her “People take my shows too seriously! ” will become the theme of the year’s biggest meme.

Bigg Boss Season 6 will see TRPs hit the roof following the first ever televised murder as a housemate gets stabbed to death in heated debate over his daily entitlement of eggs. Thanks to Non Disclosure Agreements, no one will find out if it was staged or not.

Unverified reports will have airliner flight crews reporting seeing a handsome man flying over the the Himalayas rearranging the mountains to create a suitable deterrent against China. Times Now would refute the charge calling it utterly incredulous and that “even with his extreme intellect and courage, Arnab is no Superman”.

Kolaveri Di will register its 100 millionth view in July, a month after we see its one thousandth remake, sung by a UP Roadways bus driver while driving.

With the impending fear of apocalypse in the year, the economy will flourish as people bring out their saving and splurge on luxuries. The govt will reduce duties on luxury goods such as single malt whisky, German cars, Australian apples , Pringles chips, and petrol. This will however leave the Swiss economy on shaky grounds as money hidden in their accounts gets brought back for consumption.

A group of IIMA graduates will opt to skip campus placements and form a start-up called “You Can Have You Money And Take It With You Too” which would advise prosperous Indians on ways to take their wealth with them once Apocalypse strikes. This venture would gain an astounding 100 million global subscribers within 3 months of launch as the idea finds favor with a global audience.

Petrol will touch Rs 100 per liter in August.

Chetan Bhagat’s next book will be launched in mid-December. The book will become his biggest seller till date as it is found to suggest ways to ward off the Apocalypse. The book would sellout within two days, but unfortunately, it would have a come a few days too late…

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Reservation for jobs. Reservation for education. Reservation for public service. All to ensure that our poor and downtrodden get to share the benefits of our growth. Contrary to what people may say, it is working. The results are for all to see. India is today one of the world’s fastest growing economies. The Indian elephant is a nimble machine stumbling along on all four legs. Two reserved and two normal ones.

Its beautiful. You go to a government office and its a picture of diversity. Everybody going about their jobs with the same resigned hopelessness. Colleges are no more the preserve of people who give up their childhoods to get through tough entrances. Thanks to the concerted efforts of our wonderful leaders, it is everywhere. The Parliament. IITs. Schools. Colleges. Bigg Boss. Ok, not the last one. Not yet at least.

It just sucks that Raja Ram Mohan Roy and BR Ambedkar are no more between us, or they could have done a chest-bump on seeing what we have managed to turn their vision into.

In this regard, the past week was a bit disappointing. We heard a few cases of irresponsible murmurs against this most wondrous policy.

In a decision that would surely benefit our Muslim brothers, the govt proposed a 4% quota for minorities within the current OBC quota. What was the result? Outrage by opposition parties who seem to have nothing better to do. Then they suggested that 50% of the members of the much debated Lokpal panel be reserved. More outrage.

The learned gentleman Sharad Yadav proposed raising the OBC reservation quota from 27% to 52%. This might have meant that there would be virtually no more positions left for people not covered by a reserved category, but a positive move nonetheless. Shot down again.

This is all so disappointing. How are we to take our country into the space age if we don’t reserve a bulk of available positions for lesser qualified, lesser capable candidates belonging to the right communities? I bet they don’t have any answer to that.

Very disheartening to see our political parties taking such matters of nation-building so irresponsibly by opposing sincere proposals meant for the betterment of our society.

Then there are the so-called political commentators who would say that our government is following a divide and rule policy by pitting different religions and communities against each other to fight for that elusive quota. The ones who say that the OBC certificate has today become more important than any other piece of paper. [They have obviously never bought tickets to a Metallica concert.]

Such comments are just uncalled for in a democratic setup. If the government offers UP Muslims a small quota in education and jobs ahead of assembly elections to mobilize the vote bank, how is that a problem? How else do you fight elections? Policy based debates? Haha. What are we, America?

Do such moves end up splitting up the country on the basis of religion? Nonsense. Why would petty politics played for a few votes affect national unity and integration? If they really want to do something, let them stop the Rediff messageboards. That will make half the north-south Indian hate go away in a jiffy.

India is, and will forever be, a nation of Unity in Diversity. No one can take that from us. Remember, we have a Sikh PM, a woman president, a former Muslim president, an Italian (unofficial) head of the nation, a bunch of old men reigning as super stars by Bollywood, even a Barbie as our top actress. The list is endless, but you get the drift.

We give everybody a chance.

Talent is overrated. Except in Bollywood, where only truly talented stars like Katrina can succeed. In lesser fields, with adequate opportunity, anyone can do well. Especially at trivial tasks like saving a dying man’s life, managing the country’s biggest development projects, constructing a public works project, running a state education department, or hurling microphones at opponents’ throats in one of our state legislatures.

Such mundane tasks are easy enough for anyone. Social welfare is the need of the hour. Let’s not get too hung up on competency. That can come later.

If anything we need more quotas. I have long held that reservation in the Indian cricket team is the only way to make them more consistent. Indian Idol winners. People run over by a speeding celebrity in the wee hours of a cold winter night. People who die of throat cancer every year. Recipients of JayPee groups SMSs campaign promoting the latest residential mini-city. Did someone say ‘the possibilities are endless’?

Let it all be equitable. Let the joy be spread around. Let’s make Gandhi proud.

Let’s show them we have no reservations on reservations.

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Have you grown up in the early eighties, during the era of Doordarshan and Vividh Bharati? That was the era when women of substance were really women of substance and not some size zero anorexic versions of Paris Hilton. It was the age when the sartorial distinction between the heroine and the vamp was crystal clear. It was the era when it was okay for a hero to not be South Indian or a villain and still sport a moustache. If you belong to that era, you will perhaps resonate with, if not agree with what I say.

I was born in the first half of the eighties, and raised in a family which lived, breathed, and swore by Bollywood. Unlike most culturally inclined Bengali families where watching Hindi movies occasionally, even at home (forget cinema) was distasteful and an anathema (also known as bhalgar kalchar, not to be confused with tissue culture), I was exposed to Bollywood pretty early. Back in the heydays, the color television had just made its way into our living room in 1984, which only fuelled the spirit of Bollywood along with the weekend visits to the neighborhood Shakti or Shiva cinema halls. Multiplexes like Inox did not exist then.

There is a very specific genre of movies, which had taken the early eighties by storm. Typically, the star cast involved Jeetendra, Sridevi, or Jaya Prada, the playback singers were Kishore Kumar and Asha Bhonsle (unlike payback singers, like the adenoidal Himesh), and their names were Tohfa, Mawaali, or Himmatwaala. Most importantly, their music composer was the one and only Bappi Lahiri. Those were a different class of movies, nothing that our generation of Shah Rukh Khan lovers or six pack admirers would admire. “Those were the days”, I keep harping like a veteran with a broken phonographic record.

There would be colorful sets by the beach, replete with Rangoli decorations, palm and coconut trees. Hundreds of missiles would fart Holi colors every now and then, as the hero and the heroine ran toward some unseen finishing line in slow motion, holding hands. The extras looked straight out of the Ravan’s Lanka dasis from Ramanand Sagar’s Ramayana who took care of a very bemoaning Sita. They often used simple domestic cleaning devices like feather brooms as props (watch the song “Nainon mein sapna” if you do not believe me), which could be doubled up to clean cobwebs off the walls or to dance to tathaiya tathaiya hooo. There was nothing like a hideous color combination, for you could expect the hero to wear white shirt (tucked in of course), white trousers, white boots, and white socks, as much as you could expect the heroine to wear fluorescent yellow and pink track pants. At least watching him was better than watching his son, or his daughter (who I am surprised did not rechristen the movie to “Kissa Dirty Pikkkkcharr Ka” or “Kahaani Kleavage Ki”).

The songs of Bappi Lahiri might not have the finesse of Jhumpa Lahiri, but it was definitely dhinchik material. Lip biting, whistling, winking, or an open display of unabashed wantonness did not count as taboo. The dance moves were nothing Shiamak Davar or Farah Khan style, but represented every imaginable domestic activity like wiping floors in the air, kick starting an invisible Humaara Bajaj scooter, riding an imaginary pony, gyrating like the flour grinder or Idli maker, starting a manual diesel generator, milking a cow while half bent on haunches, flying a kite, or vibrating as if been electrocuted. Such choreography is witnessed best when on mute. I can only imagine how painful shaking all that lard would be, because there is so much to shake when one has a qamra (room) for a qamar (hip).

The shooting locales would best be in a, no, not the Swiss Alps or the Holland tulip fields, but in our very own desi fields, gardens, or beaches, amidst piles of pumpkins, sometimes apples, tomatoes, or balloons flying all over the place. The heroine would sinuously move in a white sari on a sunny Sunday afternoon, wearing heavy jewelry and flowers and gyrating deftly to “Ganga bina kaisa Haridwar, aalingan bina kaisa sansar”. The lyrics could be as eyebrow raising as “Ladki nahi hai tu lakdi ka khamba hai”, “Ting ting ting ting ghanti baje”, “Jhopdi mein charpai”, “Ek aankh maroon”, “Chumma chumma, mujhko banale priyatamma”, or “Aapas mein tak dhin tak dhin ho gaya, ab kya reh gaya baaki.” (Spare me the effort of translating it, please). The camera would unceremoniously focus on her well-endowed unmentionables while she heaved like an asthmatic, clutching on to her chest.

Yes, I know, such an era no longer exists, when the hero would wear body-hugging shirts showing nipples, and flex his hips as much as the heroine does. Gone are the days when Jaya Prada played the role of a lachrymose older sister who got to dance with the hero only in her dreams, sacrificing her desires for the younger sibling’s happiness. Gone are the days when heroines did not dress as vamps. Gone are the days when the dhol and the naal played in full swing while women flaunted their hips, wearing the most atrocious Tarzan-tight clothes as they ran by the beach in slow motion. Buxom extras from both sides hurled colored earthen pots at each other while the symmetric arrangement of the metal pots reminded you of the videogame Mario. This was not the era of the internet, cable, or telephone. This was not even the era of digital music, Baba Sehgal, or a 2-in-1 Sony tape recorder. We had an old Ahuja tape recorder with a single slot for cassettes. Therein, the songs would play in a loop until I had memorized every song.

I can smell Bappi Lahiri’s music from a distance. I do not know if this is an accomplishment worth boasting of, especially when my friends make fun of my huge collection of Bappi Lahiri songs. I am a venerable academician in the making who secretly loves listening to such dhinchik songs while driving. Do you think the research fraternity would disown me if they were to find my taste in music? For me, Jatin Lalit and Anu Malik happened much later. Bryan Adams and Backstreet Boys happened much later. Indian Ocean, Kailash Kher, and Rahat Fateh Ali Khan happened much later. When I was growing up, it was all about Bappi Lahiri.

Music, like food, is all about association and memories. That smell of payesh (kheer, or rice pudding as they call it here) every time Ma cooked during the birthdays. The smell of luchi (poori) and white potato curry for Sunday breakfasts. The smell of Dalda-laden Biryani from Aminia as you walked past Esplanade in Calcutta. The adenoidal voice of Kumar Sanu singing Chura Ke Dil Mera, Goriya Chali, during my teenage years that would spill adrenaline and other hormones all over the floor. Or the nautanki beats of Bappi Lahiri along with the “khyamta naach” (please don’t ask me for a Bengali to English translation) I learned to love as a five year old. The gyrating, shaking, heaving, and my love for such music shall continue. It is not an undoing which can happen. Perhaps that explains why I am still listening to the songs of the Dirty Picture in a loop all day.

[Guest post by DC who is a doctoral student at the University of Virginia, and an ardent fan of Bappi Lahiri’s music from the early eighties. Her previous post on AmreekanDesi was “The FOB who became an ABCD”.]

References
Gori tere ang ang mein
Nainon mein sapna
Ek dupatta do do mawaali
Tohfa Tohfa
Jhopdi mein charpai

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A billion Indian citizens woke up today to a world without one of the basic necessities of modern life. Not food. Not water. Not the roofs on top of their head. Not even the daily dose of Arnab. Something much bigger.

The Internet.

In an emergency order, the central govt ordered a shutdown of the Internet in India yesterday.

Concerns had been raised over the abuse of freedom of speech on the Internet for a while now. Things came to a pass last night when Kapil Sabil logged on to Facebook to find that a new page setup against Rahul Gandhi had overnight reached a staggering 50,000 followers. The page was full of vile comments about the noble Gandhi scion who has given his youth to work for the country.

As per unconfirmed reports, Mr Sibal flew into a rage on seeing this, and uprooted the hand-pump in his house specially installed for such a day.

Given Facebook’s prior unwillingness to delete all content disrespectful to the government, the decision to shutdown the Internet was taken. The Congress general secretary Digvijay Singh personally instructed all ISPs to cut down all Internet pipes with immediate effect.

The mayhem was instant. No email. No Twitter. No Facebook. No Google. Early morning saw dazed youngsters moving around the city in stupor. We talked to one such group.

Rajveer seemed distraught. Barely holding back his tears, the 21 year old jat who worked as a bouncer at a Gurgaon club talked about how it was his birthday and without Facebook there was no way for his friends to wish him. “Last year i got 200 wishes, and was hoping for double of that this time. This is a disaster.”

His friend, Lucky piped in. “I woke up today and made the perfect cup of coffee. Feeling proud of myself i tried to post my achievement on Twitter. But it wasnt to be…” He stared away into the Delhi fog, eyes welling up.

We left just as the entire group of 10 burly men broke down, falling to the pavement on top of each other, howling loudly.

Similar scenes were reported all over India. In Ranchi, a mob of disillusioned software professionals tried burning a cycle rickshaw in protest. The attempt was unsuccessful though as they weren’t able to Google for instructions. In Bombay, MNS activists beat up a group of Bihari laborers as they tried boarding a local train. Further investigation revealed no link to the Internet outage.

Schools reported children coming in without their homework completed. With Wikipedia down, the kids had nowhere to find all those out-of-course details they were expected to compile for their assignments.

Later in the day, a group of concerned citizens tried to organize a candlelight vigil at India Gate. The event turned out very thinly populated. Without social media to spread the word, only close friends and relatives turned up. All 6 of them.

We talked to a prominent member of the Indian Twitterati. He expressed dismay at this autocratic move. Twitter was the only hope for India, and they shut it down. We are back to the 90s now. How are we supposed to spend our waking hours without Twitter? Next they will ask us to make pen friends!

NASSCOM published a statement condemning the move, even as offices across the country reported that employees appeared dazed at not being able to check rediff.com every 20 minutes. Technology firms were gridlocked as developers used to copy-pasting googled source code were at a loss to figure out how to solve problems at hand.

The left parties welcomed the decision, saying the Internet was a capitalist conspiracy that had eroded the Indian culture and it was time this was set right. Mamta Banerjee declined to comment. In Lucknow, Mayawati remarked that things wouldn’t have come to such a pass if our manuwadi society had cared to include all backward castes.

PM Manmohan Singh remained unavailable for comment. After repeated calls, the PMO provided us an email address on which to send queries.

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