“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety, or possessions – we cannot be free”

– Thich Nhat Hanh.

Haven’t we all faced this dilemma at least once in our lives about whether we should hold on or let go of something or someone? Letting go is a difficult thing to do, especially when we are still attached to an object or a person. Whether we accept it or not, we tend to hold on even when it hurts us to do so. But why is it so difficult to let go? Have you ever wondered how different your life can be if you learn to free yourself from the shackles of holding on?

If you are still holding on to things, emotions, or people who have already let go of you, then it is time to bring a positive change in your life. Let’s take a look at how you can let go and move forward in life.

Why is letting go difficult?

Letting go is often difficult because it indicates you have to free yourself from certain aspects that have become a part of you. These aspects can be a person or experiences from your past. They can be possessions that carry a special meaning for you. They can even be your expectations of how things should have turned out.

In essence, letting go means bringing in a change in your life. It is this notion of change that makes people uncomfortable and insecure. That is why they resist change by refusing to let go.   

What happens when you refuse to let go?

When you hold on to something or someone, you actually hold yourself down. Unless you learn to let go, you can’t take control of your life.

From relationships that have run their course to friendships gone sour to regrets and old grudges to unfulfilled dreams, your emotional baggage can be about anything. But if you continue to latch on to them, your inability to let go can manifest into other problems.

Here is how your refusal to let go can impact your life:

Stress

There’s no denying that we feel stressed when things don’t work out as per our plan or expectations. Your stress level can increase further if you are not even ready to accept that some things are beyond your control and shy away from embracing reality.

Emotional anxiety

Often we get anxious, depressed, or angry thinking about what happened in our past or what is happening at present. We even worry about what may happen in the future. Your emotional anxiety can intensify if you become obsessed and continue thinking about such things ceaselessly.

Strained relationships

When people fail to behave as per our expectations, we tend to feel frustrated or irritated with them. Many a time, we refuse to acknowledge that no one is perfect and we all can make mistakes.

If you hang on to your ideas and expectations about how others should behave, you pave the way for disappointments, anger, and frustrations. This can cause friction in your relationship with others and leave you feeling strained.

Fear

Did you ever ponder about why we want things to happen our way? At the core of it is fear – fear of letting people down, fear of missing out on opportunities, fear of failure, fear of not being accepted for who we are, fear of being not good enough, and so on.

By holding on to an intense desire of things turning your way, you intrinsically hold on to fear and allow it to limit your life in several ways.

Pain and suffering

More often than not, the experience of a loss causes us to lament and suffer. This loss may occur in the form of an emotionally abusive relationship that failed, a broken friendship, a divorce, a missed chance, a lost job opportunity, or the death of someone dear, to name a few.

While it is normal to feel pain and grieve over your loss, the problem arises when you refuse to overcome it and look ahead. By constantly dwelling on your loss or wallowing in self-pity, you prolong your pain and suffering.

How do you know when it is time to let go?

It is alright to accept the impact that a relationship or a person from your past had on your life. However, you should not allow your past to hold you in its grip and cloud your present and future. By holding on to the pain, trauma, anger, frustration, guilt, or expectation from your past, you put up emotional and psychological barriers that prevent you to move on in life.

The first step of moving on is to realize that it is time to let go. But how do you know when it’s time to do so? While there is no clear answer to this question, these signs can serve as a wake-up call for you.

• When nothing seems to make a difference: Regardless of what you do or say, it has no impact on the concerned person.

• When the possibility of compromise is nil: Either one or both of you are so inflexible that there is no chance of compromise.

• When the prospect of improvement in the future seems non-existent: You feel that the quality of the relationship will not improve in the future.

• When interactions turn toxic and emotionally draining: Every conversation or interaction you have with the concerned person leaves you in emotional turmoil.

• When the emotional scars seem too deep to heal: You realize that the scars you received are way too deep for you to forget easily.

• When it’s only memories to deal with: There is no interaction with the person at present and yet you cling on to the memories.

• When it feels lonely and unheard: Though you tell yourself that your bond with the concerned person exists, yet you feel lonely and unheard at all times.

• When there is a lack of respect: Whatever else the relationship might be giving you, there is always a lack of respect for you in it.

• When the expectation is all about things getting better: The situation is quite muddled but you stay back frantically expecting things to turn better.

• When the situation brings no joy: At present, you feel a lack of happiness or joy in anything related to the relationship.

• When memories turn torturous: Whenever you are flooded with the memories of happy moments spent in the past, you become tremendously unhappy.

• When resentment sets in: You resent everything related to the relationship or the concerned person and yet you can’t seem to free yourself from it all.

• When the tears overpower the smiles: The pain of the past seems to hover over the happiness of your present.

• When fear replaces hope: While once you were hopeful of a positive change, now you fear that it is never going to happen.

• When there is no escaping the truth: You may not acknowledge it but somewhere deep inside you know that things will never be the same again.

How to let go?

Once you acknowledge the need to let go, the next step is to work towards making it a reality. But acknowledging it and actually letting it go are two different things. So, how do you go about it? Well, the best way forward is to take one step at a time.  

Check out these tips that can help you to let go of a relationship or stressful emotions and move on in life:

• Focus on the present: Think about what is happening at present. Do not dwell on your past or keep worrying about your future. Let things take their turn.

• Create physical and psychological distance: Create physical and psychological distance between yourself and the cause of your anger or frustration, be it a person or a situation. This will give you the much-needed freedom of not being reminded about it often or having to process it.     

• Write it all down: Release pent-up emotions. Give an outlet to your anger, frustrations, pain, expectations, and even fear by writing it all down. Then tear up the pages and think of it an end to your attachment.

• Self-reflect: More often than not, a situation is the result of the actions and reactions of both parties involved. Self-reflect and acknowledge the part you played.

• Be kind to yourself: Rather than blaming yourself, accept that you have tried your best to make things work. If things haven’t worked out, it is not your fault.

• Consider the options: Remind yourself that there are just two options: either you continue to suffer or uplift yourself and move ahead.  

• Change your perception: Look at the whole situation from a neutral point of view and try to see the positivity you can derive out of it. Find out how letting go of the past can be a blessing in disguise.

• Accept the hard facts: It is always tough to accept that something you once cherished has come to an end. But sometimes you don’t have another option left. Break away from the false illusions of a second chance that you have created in your head and focus on new beginnings.

The takeaway

Life is too short to carry along the burden of pain, fear, anger, grief, and frustration. The key to becoming a free soul lies in letting go. It can empower you to heal yourself and cultivate inner stability. Though it may take time and patience, ultimately you will gain freedom from all that is holding you back.

So, relax, breathe, and let go!

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Standing at more than 100 kg of body weight and the lowest level of self-confidence, I believed losing weight was all about gyms and exercises. But I was so wrong!

There’s more to weight loss than just exercises and gyms, as I found out during my weight loss journey.

Sometimes even a few small changes in your daily habits and lifestyle can help you to shed those extra pounds. Here are the 5 easy habits that helped me to lose weight:

Have breakfast every day

There’s a reason why breakfast is called the most important meal of the day. Breakfast jumpstarts your metabolism. If you skip this meal, you increase your chances of eating more during the day. As a result, you may end up consuming more calories than you intended to.

Eating a healthy and filling breakfast every day provides energy to your body, helps you stay full for long, and is effective for long-term weight management.

Never go hungry

You can’t expect to lose weight by remaining hungry. Skipping meals or going hungry is never a good idea as far as weight loss is concerned. When you are hungry, you tend to eat more than what you normally would. Having your meals on time will not only help to keep the hunger pangs at bay, this habit will also enable you to avoid binge eating. Your motivation to lose weight will also remain high as a result of this habit.

If you feel hungry between your meals, you can opt for a healthy snack. For instance, a handful of nuts or a fresh fruit can be a great choice for snacking between meals.

Eat your food slowly

Are you thinking what has the speed of eating food to do with weight loss? A lot, to be honest! Eating your food slowly is one of the easy habits to lose weight. By eating slowly, you may not burn any extra calories. But you will increase your feeling of satiety when you take time to enjoy every morsel of food in a slow and deliberate manner.

The best part is that you will refrain from overeating due to the feeling of fullness. This practice will help you to avoid piling on extra calories during the meal times.

Drink plenty of water

Yes, drinking plenty of water every day can actually help you to bring down your weight. Water can keep your body hydrated. At the same time, it can generate satiety, increase your metabolism, and help in digestion of food.

Sometimes you may misread thirst as a hunger pang and end up eating to satisfy your tummy. But if you recognize your thirst and keep your body hydrated, you won’t have to eat those extra calories that your body didn’t need in the first place. Drinking 8 to 10 glasses of water daily is essential to keep you hydrated. This habit will also help you to get rid of water weight in your body.

Get sound sleep every night

Sleep deprivation can create hurdles in the way of your weight loss goals. When you wake up after a sound sleep, your mind and body feel relaxed. But that’s not all. Your body also loses weight during your sleep. Yes, that’s true!

While you are sleeping, your body uses energy to repair the cells and keep your organs running. In the process, it burns some extra calories. However, you have to make sure that you follow a healthy sleeping schedule every night. A sound sleep of at least 8 hours is essential for the purpose.

The bottom line

Remember that bringing down those piled up calories takes patience and determination. By incorporating these simple habits to lose weight in your daily life, you will be able to boost up your efforts effectively. So, get going on your way to weight loss with these easy habits.

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For quite a few years, my New Year resolutions had one goal in common: to lose weight. I would start my weight loss mission on a fresh note each year, all enthusiastic and excited. I would plan out a new exercise regime, determine to give up on junk food, and promise myself to stop making excuses. Initially, everything would proceed as planned. But sooner or later my weight loss motivation would fizzle out. I would be back to square one much before the year ended. This was the story of my weight loss endeavours for a number of years until I finally succeeded in my efforts to stop motivation from flitting in and out of my life. Trust me, it turned out to be the key to my weight loss success.

If you too are struggling to keep your motivation from waning, don’t get disheartened. In this blog post, I am sharing with you a few tried and tested techniques that have helped me to remain on track. So, here’s how to stay motivated during weight loss.

Set realistic goals

To begin with, set realistic goals for yourself. The right goal can go a long way in ensuring success for your weight loss efforts. If you have unreasonable expectations from yourself, your chances of feeling frustrated increases. For instance, if you set up a goal of losing 20 pounds every month, you are definitely paving the way for your motivation to cave in.

Rather than setting such benchmarks where the chances of failure are quite high, it’s better to aim for achievable goals and stick to them diligently. When you start to achieve your goals, you will get the confidence and motivation to continue on your track.

Commit to be on track today

When you are trying to lose weight, thinking about the long journey ahead can be quite overwhelming. The best way to shake off such feelings is to commit to taking it one-day-at-a-time. Focus on doing your best today and forget the rest.

Don’t let the thoughts of the weekend party or the office get-together next week cloud over your motivation. Do as much as needed to be on track just for today. If you can fulfil your commitment just for the day, you are set to proceed in the right direction.

Adopt the changes as a way of life

Weight loss is not a short-term goal. It’s a commitment to transform your body and keep off the weight by leading a healthy life. This is where many people falter. No sooner do they manage to lose weight, they go back to their old ways. The result is that they pile back the weight they lost with so much effort.

One way to steer clear of such a mishap is to weave the changes into your daily routine and make them a way of life. For instance, if you have given up on sugar, incorporate sugarless recipes in your diet. Or, if you have reduced the frequency of your snacks, make sure that you eat healthy snacks that keep you filled up for long.

Celebrate each success

The journey of weight loss is not an easy one. So, when you are achieving the results, you need to pat yourself and celebrate your success. Set a milestone and when you accomplish it, reward yourself with a small incentive or reward. This will help you to remain motivated and keep going enthusiastically.

Just make sure that the reward doesn’t involve food.  Think of an appropriate award that will make you happy. For example, you can gift yourself a new pair of jeans or get a new haircut.

Don’t set food off-limits

The human psychology works in strange ways. When you are denied something, you tend to crave it all the more. The same happens with food as well. For instance, if you have decided to stay away from dessert, your heart will want it more than anything else. This can make you feel terrible and you might end up giving in to your desire. So, don’t set food off-limits. Rather, enjoy everything in small proportions.

If you want to taste that chocolate cake, go ahead and take a tiny spoonful. The truth is that one spoonful of cake won’t add to your weight. But two large pieces will definitely do. You can also try to recreate your favourite dishes using healthy recipes. That way you will be able to enjoy your food without compromising on your motivation to lose weight.

Be patient and recommit yourself every week

You didn’t pile on all that weight in a single day, right? What makes you think that they will go away in one day? Sometimes even when you are doing everything right, the scale may refuse to move in the expected direction. Don’t let that hurt your weight loss motivation. Instead, congratulate yourself on the success you have achieved so far and try something extra to give your metabolism a push. For example, you can go for 30 minutes of brisk walking to burn a few extra calories. The key is to remain patient and recommit yourself each week till you reach the desired end.

Avoid being a perfectionist

No one is perfect. Sometimes you just can’t control yourself and give in to temptations. Don’t be harsh on yourself for that. It’s ok if you indulge in that slice of pizza or cone of chocolate mousse once-in-a-while. But don’t allow it to ruin your motivation. If you take it as a failure of your determination and give up on your goal, nothing can be as bad as that. A 100-calorie slip-up should not turn into a 1000-calorie gain. In other words, if you slip up today, let it remain limited to that. Tomorrow is a new day. Begin it with a new zeal and aim for progress, not perfection.

Re-evaluate and adjust your diet plan

Your body works in its own rhythm. As you start a diet plan and begin to lose weight, your body adjusts to the reduced calorie count. You will discover that after a while your progress with the diet plan may not be as much as it was initially. Instead of feeling frustrated, you need to reassess your diet. Make adjustments in your diet or increase your physical activity to give your body the push it requires to put off the weight. Also, make sure that your body isn’t holding on to water weight.

Do away with excuses

Excuses can be the greatest bane of your weight loss efforts. Don’t create excuses for yourself. It’s quite easy to tell yourself “I will start from the next Monday or the next month.” Even you are aware that this “next” won’t come anytime soon. To break from the circle of excuses, stop making them altogether. Tell yourself that the best time to start is right now. Every moment is the perfect moment to make a new beginning. So, cut out the excuses and get going with all enthusiasm!

I hope these tips help you to remain on track. Do let me know how your weight loss journey is progressing by commenting below.

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The other day I was at my friend’s home, enjoying a wonderful evening with her and her family. As the conversation flowed and the dinner progressed, I couldn’t help but appreciate her exceptional culinary skills. The delicious biryani and the awesome raita had me tucking in more than I intended to. Even the delightful chocolate custard she prepared was a winner all the way. It wasn’t long before the platters stood empty and everyone beamed in satisfaction over the wholesome meal.

But something caught my friend’s attention. A spoonful of mutton keema was still peeping out of her bone china dinnerware. She looked around and asked if anyone was interested in finishing off that bit. By then everyone has had their fill and were in no condition to entertain her plea. For a moment she sat contemplating. Then she picked up a spoon and guided the mutton keema to her mouth. Sighing, she muttered how overfull she felt but was glad to have prevented the food from getting wasted. Having succeeded in her aim of not wasting even one titbit of food, she turned towards me and resumed her happy chatter.

The waste-to-waist journey

This left me thinking: don’t we all do this once in a while? Raised with the notion that not finishing the food on our plate is almost a crime, most of us abhor the idea of leaving food behind on our plates. Even when we are full to the brim, we tend to polish off the leftovers. This is especially true if we have kids who are fussy eaters. We find it so difficult to throw the food that we have cooked with so much love and effort. Moreover, it’s ingrained in our Indian culture not to waste food. But little do we think about its impact on our body. In our efforts to remain true to the doctrine of ‘Willful waste, woeful want’, we unwittingly increase our waistline. Yes, the waste goes straight to our waist!

A sneaky way to pile on weight

Believe it or not, trying to not waste food can be one of the sneakiest ways to pile on the kilos. Just assume that every night at dinner time you finish off a tiny proportion of leftover food to ensure there’s no wastage. If you sneak in even 100 calories a day through this means, it sums up to a whopping 36,500 calories in a year. Now, 7716 unburned calories can leave you with one kilo weight gain. Going by this calculation, you can add up to almost five kilos to your waistline by preventing food from going to waste. Five kilos a year for being a member of the Clean Plate Club, shocking isn’t it?

The WISE way out

If you want to prevent waste from making your waist, you need to stop overindulging right from today. The best way to steer clear of the waste-to-waist route is to follow the WISE method:

Wait

The sensation of satiety or the feeling of fullness takes about 20 minutes to form and reach your brain from your stomach. Focus on eating slowly and enjoying every morsel of food during your mealtimes. This will give time to your brain to process the feeling of fullness and signal you when your stomach is full. Ideally, you need to stop eating when the sensation of fullness begins.

Ignore

Let leftovers be leftovers. Do not take it upon yourself to polish off the little bit of food that’s left after dinner. It’s not your responsibility to finish off the food on your fussy toddler’s plate or on anybody’s plate for that matter. Sometimes wastage of food can seem like wastage of money. Separate yourself from the situation and think of the detrimental impact overindulgence can have on your weight and body.

Serve

While serving yourself, begin with small proportions. If you are not satisfied, you can always go for a second helping. But it can be quite tempting to not waste the food that’s piled on your plate. Another tried-and-tested trick is to use small plates and bowls for having your meals. That way, you won’t be able to pile up much food, to begin with. In case you still have food left on your plate, wrap it up for later use or simply toss it in the bin.

Evaluate

An effective way to combat the issue of food wastage is to evaluate before cooking. Assessing the right quantities may need a bit of time and patience on your part, but with practice, you will soon be a pro at cooking just the required amount. If you still overshoot the mark sometimes, just remember that leftovers can act as a great base for your next meal. All you need is a bit of creativity to transform the leftovers into tasteful appetisers.

Mealtimes are a wonderful opportunity to spend quality time and bond with your family and friends.  Whilst you are enjoying great food and great company, do not ignore your body and the signals that it sends to you. Resist yourself from indulging in any food once your stomach starts telling that you are full. Don’t feel guilty if there is any amount of food left on your plate that will go to the bin. Better to go to waste than to the waist!

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A happy marriage is not about the big celebrations; it’s about the millions of tiny moments you share together to create a beautiful and unique love story. As you spend more time with your partner, your bond tends to grow stronger and deeper. But once the initial fervour of excitement gets over in your relationship, you need to find ways to keep the charm and enthusiasm alive. You need to do things together that will help to foster the bond of friendship between you both.

Here are 10 things that every couple should do together to nurture their bond of love and friendship.

Learn a new activity together

Learning a new activity together can be so much fun for a couple. It will provide a break from the grind of everyday life while enabling you both to spend some moments together.

You need to find out an activity you both are enthusiastic about. There are numerous options available for you. You both can take up painting or photography classes. You can go for underwater swimming lessons. You can join a course in dancing or learn a new sport. Whatever activity you select to learn together, you will be able to motivate each other, spend time together while practising and improve your skills in the process, which is a win-win situation for both of you.

Go on a road trip

Head out on a road trip together and make wonderful memories on the way. Make a plan but not a rigid one, so that you both get the chance to indulge your wild road trip whims.

Stop at roadside dhabas to get a taste of the local cuisine. Create and play your own road games to make the trip more interesting for both of you. Burn a CD containing both of your favourite tracks. But before you hit the accelerator for the trip, ensure that you have packed all the essential items. Pack light and don’t forget to capture the special moments of your trip in your camera.

Have dinner together

Make it a point to have your dinner together every day. Include sitting down together at the dining table for dinner an essential part of your daily routine.

Whether you order-in your dinner or make efforts to cook it yourself, enjoying a meal with your partner has its own pleasure. The dinner conversations enable you to unwind and share the happenings of the day with each other. Banish your cell phones and the TV during dinner time. It will help you both to concentrate on the food and enjoy each other’s company without being distracted by anything else.

Hug each other everyday

A hug a day can melt stress away! Yes, hug each other every single day and watch this little act infuse your relation with a new energy. A tender hug also helps to clear away doubts and misunderstandings in a magical way.

You can say it is not a thing to do per se. But this list cannot be complete without mentioning a hug. It is an expression of your emotion that effectively reaches out to your partner and makes both of you feel good instantly. So practise it every day and don’t limit yourself to just one hug a day.

Do something spontaneous

Once in a while do something spontaneous with your partner in tow. Not only does it help you both to spend quality time together, it is also a great way to let loose the child in you.

You can venture out for a day of spontaneous outing or travel out for an impromptu weekend trip. You can explore a hiking trail or spend the day doing offbeat things like flying a kite or fishing together. You both can also explore places within your city that you often pass by but never step into. The idea is to spend the day doing something that is totally unplanned or something that you don’t do often. Take the plunge and allow yourselves to go with the flow of the moment.

Get wet in the rain

One of the most romantic things that you both can do together is to get wet in the rain. Leave aside your inhibitions and step into the rain with your partner to recreate the magic of romance.

Go for a walk in the rain holding your partner’s hand or simply stand together and get soaked in the drizzle. Relive those wonderful days of childhood by making paper boats and floating them in the rain water. The bonus point will be if you can get crushed ice lolly (baraf gola) to enjoy before, during or after the rainstorm together. Nothing can beat the charm of enjoying crushed ice lolly with your partner while getting completely drenched in the rain.

Cook a meal together

Plan a nice dinner and enjoy the process of cooking it together. Cooking is a great activity that requires cooperation and communication and allows you to work side by side.

You can pick a brand new recipe or go for your favourite dishes and work as a team to prepare them. Cooking together is always fun and it is a useful skill as well. If you both want to spice things up a bit, you could set the table for a romantic candle light dinner and relish your home cooked temptations. You can also invite a couple of friends and whip up a great dinner together to surprise them.

Recreate a memorable date

Walk down your memory lane and think about a memorable date or time you enjoyed early in your relationship. Recreate that memory to relive the magic once more.

Revisit together the place where you first met or went on your first date. Return to the destinations where you spent time in the early days of your relationship. Repeat something that you both enjoyed doing then. Hold hands and talk like you did when you first started dating. Enjoy going back in time and re-experiencing some remarkable moments of your relationship.

Spend a day away from distractions

Spend a day together, away from all sorts of distractions. It is a superb way to reconnect and reach out to each other.

Put your phone in flight mode for the entire day and just focus on each other. Stay away from the distractions of daily life, TV, work, family and friends. Laze around in your home or go out together somewhere. The basic idea is to enjoy each other’s company devoid of any interruptions. Talk, listen, laugh, share and show that you care. When was the last time you spent a day together without the phone ringing or without you both checking your phones for social media notifications? For once give technology a break and offer companionship a chance.

Make a bucket list together

Sit down with your partner and make a bucket list of all the things you both want to do together. This is an excellent way to get to know each other better.

Making a bucket list together is real fun. It helps to discover the undisclosed wishes and desires of each other. You can share and discuss the things or activities that you both are enthusiastic about. You can even start making plans to check off some of the things you both have included in the list. Planning such a bucket list is definitely worth a try.

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She is a woman. She is a juggler. She juggles to maintain a fine balance between all the roles she plays. She shares, she cares, she bears and she nurtures. But she also wants to spread her wings and reach for her share of the sky, and that is her undoing. After all, she’s a dark skinned woman, a shade less than perfect! This is her story.

The birth of my story

Oh, it’s a girl. Oh my! She is beautiful, just like her mom: the same nose and the same set of eyes. If only she would have been born with her mother’s fair complexion. It wouldn’t have mattered much if she had her father’s features instead of his skin tone.

They came, they saw and they passed their judgement.

I want to smile and play

We are a bunch of five kindergarten kids. We love playing roles. Sanjana decides to play mother. Ankur is given the father’s role. Vivek opts to play a doctor and Tina plays a teacher. I am asked to act as the maid. I protest and demand to be given some other role. Sanjana laughs and says, “How can you be anything else, being so dark skinned?” Agonised and angry I rush to my mom, tears streaming down my eyes.

Mom envelops me in her cocoon of love and asks me to forget the incident. It’s after all a silly game. That night I sleep reassured that nothing depends on the colour of my skin, just as my mom had explained me through the evening. I sleep hoping that the next day I shall again smile and play.

I believe I am not less than the others

Preparations for the annual school function are on at full swing. My class teacher wants a Cinderella for the play to be enacted by my class. My best friend suggests my name to the teacher. I am smart, I can speak well and I am the best actor among the 8^th standard students. My teacher takes a look at me and even before she says anything I can guess her answer in her eyes. She selects a fair complexioned girl from our class to act as Cinderella.

I am confused. How can they make her Cinderella? She can’t even deliver two lines properly on stage. Is being fair toned the only criteria to be at the centre stage? When dad hears of this episode he laughs and asks me why I want to be the poor little Cinderella waiting for a prince to rescue her? Why can’t I be like Joan of Arc, fighting my way to glory in life? I fight hard to stop my tears from rolling out even as I try to make sense of what dad has just said.

I no longer believe in destiny

Results of my board exams are out. My parents are overjoyed at seeing their only child secure top grades in the board exams. Dad wants me to take admission in a prestigious college and pursue my chosen stream of study. Our neighbour Sharma aunty drops in to congratulate me. She says to my mom, “Now if only she had a fair complexion to go with her academic talents, nothing could have stopped her from getting a good husband in the future.” Coming up to me she consoles me saying it’s my destiny’s fault that I was born dark skinned.

I am haunted by her words. I wonder whether having a fair skin tone is the ultimate key to a happy life. Is it the most superior quality a woman could possess? Later that day sitting in my room I quietly resolve to carve my own path of success where destiny will have no role to play.

I break free from false emotional shackles

I am in my second year at the university. He is a year senior to me and we have been dating for more than a year now. It’s a special day for me as my parents have asked to bring him home and introduce him to them. He meets me at the college but is visibly upset over something. On being prodded he reveals that he has decided to call off our relationship. He says his parents are not ready to accept a girl of dark shade as their daughter-in-law.

I don’t know how to react. Are feelings and emotions also judged on the basis of skin tone? Do people born without the blessed complexion have no right to love and be loved? I feel depressed and disgusted for many days. But a few months later I realise I am blessed in a way. I have been saved from being emotionally involved with a person who sees me more as a colour palette than as a human being.

I am what I am: My complexion does not define me

I am surrounded by people of a singular mentality: fair is beautiful. Almost everyone around me is obsessed with this idea. Standing amongst them I sometimes feel alienated in my thoughts and beliefs. My parents have always emphasized on inner beauty. But the society around me has repeatedly tried to prove that I stand a few notches behind other fair girls due to my complexion.

All my achievements, my academic excellence and other talents stand overshadowed by a colour. This leaves me shattered and wounded in many ways than I care to admit even to myself. I try hard to fit in, to be accepted, to be considered no less than other fairer girls. But at the end I realise it is futile to try to change people’s perspective about me. I am tired of trying. All I want is to be myself, happy in the skin that I was born in.

Being Me: Not fair, and yet lovely

As the years passed by I realised the importance of being beautiful from within than to be so from outside. To be born with a brown skin is not a flaw. Brown is as beautiful as white, just as the dark night is as beautiful as the bright day.

In a world that worships the tag of ‘fair and lovely’, what really matters is to be fair in one’s deeds and to possess a lovely heart. Today I am no longer burdened or bothered by the tag of being a shade less beautiful. My experience says having a lovely heart ultimately pays off. My family and friends love me for the person I am, regardless of what shade of brown my skin is.

But beyond everything else, I am an individual. Without any tags or labels. I am a woman with limitless possibilities, a woman who wants her half of the sky. I don’t need the world to validate my worth. I know, I am not fair, and yet lovely.

The post Not Fair, And Yet Lovely – Breaking Coloured Notions of Beauty first appeared on amrita roy.

Abuse in any form is not acceptable in any relationship. An emotionally abusive relationship makes you feel negative about yourself and may severely impact your self-esteem and confidence. The difficult part is that the signs of emotional abuse are not as obvious as the signs of physical abuse. But emotional abuse is no less detrimental to your well-being than physical or sexual abuse.

The trauma of an emotionally abusive relationship often leaves behind deep mental scars in the victim. The constant pressure of living up to the abuser’s expectations or complying with the abuser’s wishes makes the victim feel helpless and often hopeless. Fact is, emotional abuse is equally prevalent between men and women. It can creep its ugly head in any relationship.

But how to recognize the subtle signs of emotional abuse? Here are some of the warning signs of an emotionally abusive relationship:

Constant disapproval of whatever you do

No matter what you do, your partner always finds fault with your actions. He or she remains blind to your efforts and even when the result is good, it is never good enough for your partner. If your partner has the unhealthy habit of finding flaws in anything and everything you do, it shakes your confidence and makes you question your own abilities. Such a person is almost impossible to please and trying to gain his or her approval can impact your sense of self-worth.

Degrading you in public or in private 

It is common for your partner to humiliate you in public or in private. No doubt, your partner may make you aware of your short comings or mistakes in private. But if the intention is to judge you or humiliate you, it is not at all an acceptable behaviour. Insults disguised as jokes are also disrespectful and wrong. Coping with such behaviour can cause you to suffer from low self-esteem or depression or both.

Relentless control of your actions

Your partner is a control freak who tries to control every aspect of your life. Often control freaks portray themselves as caring and responsible partners who are highly concerned about you. But the reality is that they are just interested in exerting domination over you. If your partner loves to impose his/her will on you at all times, it robs you of your freedom to do things your own way. Facing such a situation on a regular basis can lead to frustrations and your personal growth can suffer in the process.

Remaining indifferent towards your emotions

There is a lack of emotional security in your relationship. If your partner remains indifferent towards your sentiments or does not acknowledge your emotions, you may feel an emotional void in the relationship. You tend to believe that your feelings hold no value for your partner. This indifference on part of your partner can make you feel unimportant or unwanted and effect your self-esteem.

Demeaning your struggles

Your partner is never enthusiastic or encouraging about your dreams or struggles. If he/she fails to support you in your struggles or ridicules you for whatever you strive, it simply means he/she does not value or respect your dreams and desires. This can create doubt in your own mind regarding your dreams and can leave you feeling lonely and dejected.

Disrespecting the privacy of your relationship

Maintaining the privacy of the relationship is something that your partner never cares about. One of the unsaid relationship rules is that both the partners must ensure that whatever happens between them remains away from public knowledge. But if your partner threatens to make or actually makes such matters public without your consent, it can make you feel exposed or embarrassed and can impact your confidence.

Blaming you without justification

Whenever anything goes wrong, your partner invariably blames you for it. You are the one who is always accused, even when you may not have played any role in the matter. Such behaviour is clearly a sign of emotional abuse. As you are made to feel guilty for everything, you end up trying to justify yourself and your actions. It can demean your self-esteem in a major way.

Making you feel inferior

Your partner often criticizes and belittles you without any proper reason. You are constantly reminded that your partner is doing a favour by being in the relationship as you are not worthy of him/her. The imposition of inferiority can destroy the balance of equality in any relationship and can leave you feeling doubtful about yourself.

Mistrusting you

It is a regular practice for your partner to call you or text you or check up on you to know where you are, what you are doing and with whom you are when you two are apart. This displays the ever-suspicious behaviour of your partner. He/she often falsely accuses you of not being faithful or flirting with others, even though it may be completely untrue. This can create a rift between you two and can leave you completely stressed out.

Insisting on them being always right

You have a partner who never accepts any of his/her faults. Whatever be the situation, he/she always insists on being right and you are blamed to be wrong, even when it is obvious that you are right. If your partner does not have the ability to accept responsibility for his/her actions, it displays his/her irrational behaviour. Such toxic and irrational behaviour is a clear sign of emotional abuse.

The post Warning Signs Of An Emotionally Abusive Relationship first appeared on amrita roy.

Last month I was chasing a crazy deadline at work when suddenly junior came down with fever. The man of the house was out of the city on an official tour. Surrounded by the strenuous work pressure, a messy home and a sick child who was throwing tantrums, I felt completely drained out. In exasperation I called up one of my girlfriends to share my woes. At the end of an hour long conversation with her, in which approximately 5 minutes were spent on discussing my predicaments and the rest in talking about a hundred other things, I felt de-stressed. I was in a better frame of mind to face the situation. Yes, that’s the magical power of girlfriends, they kick back life into our tired souls.

I am not saying my male friends are any less significant. I have a bunch of the most amazing male friends and I share a great connect with them. But with my girlfriends the story is completely different. It’s as if they know exactly what I am going through even before I finish telling them about the issues at hand. I share a bond with my girls that goes beyond words.

I guess it’s the way women look at things and respond to situations that makes girlfriends so different from male friends. Both try to help you out when you need them, but their ways are totally dissimilar. When I talk to my male friends about any problem they try to find a solution. When I reach out to my girlfriends, they listen patiently and comfort me or pep me up with their crazy ideas. With my girls around, it’s more about releasing stress and drawing in fresh energy. My male friends offer me objective reasoning to help me out of a situation. My gang of girls allow me to vent out my emotions and reassure me with soothing words and that is exactly what we need most of the times.

Women often experience various emotional hitches and crisis that only another woman can understand.  As we surge through the highs and lows of life, our girlfriends turn into our emotional anchors. They help us to tide over the storms. They are the ones with whom we can laugh, cry and easily share our joys, sorrows and other intimate aspects of our lives. They listen to our problems, support us, love us unconditionally and push us to do our best. A long chat with a girlfriend can help us to relax, sort out our thoughts and get a better hold on our emotions. In other words, female bonding is a unique therapy in itself.

But many among us tend to neglect this very bond while becoming preoccupied with life’s responsibilities and challenges. Sometimes we get so involved in our roles as wives and mothers, we start to distance ourselves from our girlfriends. We need to recognize the value of women friendship. We need to realize that a woman will always need her girlfriends, regardless of her age.

Women need to nurture their female bonding in order to share, care, heal and grow as individuals. It is a support system that helps them to recognize their potential and function more efficiently. They need to invest in their girlfriends so that in times of need they have the cushion of friendship to fall back on. Being in touch is the best gift that a woman can give to another woman.

If you are a woman, you will always need your girlfriends. Take a moment to think about the girlfriends in your life. Have you lost touch with any of your girls? Reach out and reconnect. Life is short, pave your path of happiness by keeping your girlfriends close to you.

The post Why Women Need Their Girlfriends At All Ages first appeared on amrita roy.

Women are often labelled as complex beings. Many a man thinks that it is never easy to understand a woman or to please her. Yet when it comes to wives, quite a few husbands tend to believe that a wife’s happiness in marriage is dependent on self-gratifying pleasures like shopping, holidaying, getting pampered, receiving gifts and the like. There’s no denying the fact that women do love these things. But are these what a woman primarily seeks from her husband? Does a husband really know what a wife desires from her man and her relationship?

Let’s take a look at the things that every woman wants from her marriage and her husband.

Spending quality time with her man

Every woman desires to spend happy time with her husband, at least one hour a day. For a wife the small packets of everyday laughter and togetherness go a long way in cementing the bond of love. A marriage needs nurturing to keep it going strong and beautiful and women believe that spending quality time with each other is a great way to do so. It helps a woman to reach out to her man, reconnect and rejuvenate every day.

Receiving emotional support

Women know that married life is like rowing a boat in the open seas and occasionally there may be big waves and strong winds to face. As wives they seek emotional support and understanding from their husbands to stay strong during the storms and sail smoothly at other times. Women are not weak creatures who are scared of facing rough seas. All they want is the anchor of emotional support from their spouses to help them tide over any crisis calmly.

Getting respect as an equal

For a wife it is very important that there be respect for each other in the relationship. A woman invests her time, energy and emotions to make her relationship work. Often she is ready to make adjustments for the sake of her man.  As a woman and a wife she deserves to be respected and treated as an equal by her man. Just one reason is enough to respect her as an equal – because she should be, because she is.

Sharing of responsibilities

It takes two to make a marriage work. So it makes complete sense that women want their husbands to share responsibilities. A woman matches steps with her husband in the journey of life. For her, sharing is akin to caring, whether it is responsibilities or emotions. So, be it household duties or birth control measures or parenting, a woman wants her man to be her partner in the truest sense of the term and share the responsibilities in all walks of married life.

Freedom to be herself

A woman is an individual first and then a wife or a mother. She has her own dreams and desires. Marriage for her means sharing life with her man and not the end of her dreams. She wants her man to be her partner in the journey of life but not control her or restrict her the freedom to be herself. She does not want him to feel intimidated by her sense of individuality. Rather, she seeks a teammate who is capable of understanding and complementing her.

Appreciation for her efforts

Women manage a lot on a day to day basis. Whether she is a homemaker or a career oriented woman, she puts in tremendous effort to play all her roles efficiently. But often she does not get any credit for these. Being a woman she wants her man to appreciate what she does for him. Even a simple thank you or a gesture of appreciation can make her feel happy. It conveys to her that her man loves her and does not take her for granted.

The post What Does A Woman Want From Her Husband first appeared on amrita roy.