...and the strangest things seem, suddenly routine

2009-11-06T00:31:00.000-08:00

So my first day in NYC has been... eventful. Forgot how alive this city is, practically vibrating with life and people at all hours of the day and night. My hosts have been showing me a fantastic time, got to meet some sex worker heroes tonight and generally be blow away by the smart, sexy and just plain amazing folks who make up the sex positive scene here.

However since I've been up now for oh... like 20 hours straight I need to crash... so no sorrid details, yet.

Instead how about footage from last week's Columbia City Cabaret performance? We had only 6 minutes and a mostly vanilla audience to show off the speed and sex appeal of rope.

Enjoy!

TwistedMonk, Live Performance @ Columbia City Cabaret from Twisted Monk on Vimeo.

2009-11-04T11:26:00.000-08:00

Ok, so you guys liked the video rant. Not sure if it was the embarrassing tale of my odd youth that did it or the flailing hand gestures that made it work for you. Either way I'm glad ya enjoyed it.
Now this morning as I race about getting all my last minute NYC stuff done I feel like I am tracking a zillion details at once. What gear to bring, what clothes to pack, what class material do I need to bring, what needs to still be finished and oh I need to do something about the state of my torn to shreds hands today too.

Enough about that, this morning I caught a tweet regarding the re-introduction of the dreaded Eggnog Latte. I have a very strong opnion about this whole "eggnog thing" In fact I think it is a conspiracy, far worse than anything ever hatched out of Area 51.

The Great Eggnog Conspiracy Theory from Twisted Monk on Vimeo.

Oh and yes, that is a clove cigarette in my hand. I have been known to enjoy one on cold fall days while listening to Type O Negative and drinking coffee in the rain.

2009-10-31T13:37:00.000-07:00

"The Great Monk-kin?!"
Well I guess this is what I get for not showing up to the Abbey on Friday. Aside from a long overdue morning with my darling Matisse, yesterday was all about the Columbia City show. By all accounts, we rocked the house too, so thanks to everyone who came out. With any luck my film guy got some good shots and we can post something soon.

but I digress... I was telling you about those magnificently crazy fools who work for me. I left the minion alone yesterday and now most days I can count on them to not burn the Abbey down and generally kick a lot of rope based ass while I am out. Now maybe it was because it was a Friday afternoon, or maybe due to the delayed rope shipment we are waiting on (thanks for you patience folks, we are filling orders as fast as possible) whatever the reason, I guess they had some extra time on their hands becasue this morning when I walked in I found this note.

Dear Evil Boss,
We ran out of dry stock to finish and got to thinking, the "Monk Shrine" needed a holiday theme to it. Then we remembered that you had a spare body* and well... hope ya don't mind but you are now officially The Great Monk-kin
Love,
Da' Minion

Yes, that is a tiny pumpkin with glasses and a goatee. Remember the shrine they built to my bobble head doll when it first arrived this summer? Yeah, that one. They even got the crow's feet and my trademark, "just what the hell are you doing?" scowl down too. Now normally I would encourage such creative and original thinking, but my real concern here is what they will come up with for Valentine's Day.

*due to damage in shipping to the original bobble head's base, the company sent me a second body. Leaving me with an extra, albeit headless, version of.. well me

2009-10-28T14:13:00.000-07:00

Today is my darling Tambo's birthday so pardon me while I devote my day to reminding her why I am so happy that she was born today.

In the meantime, here is another shot from my recent photo shoot. An "action shot" of sorts!

2009-10-27T10:33:00.000-07:00

Monk, on 2 coasts and on stage too.

Going to be a busy two weeks for your humble narrator. Let us see what the calendar holds....

Friday Oct 30th: Columbia City Cabaret, "Frightfully Kinky" Show
Catch me performing onstage in one of the best cabaret shows in town. Tamara always puts on a hell of a show and this one will be extra "kinky". See my amazing rope bottom and I pull off some moves that you have never seen a in a rope bondage scene. That and it is also Tambo's birthday so she is going to be getting some birthday "attention" on stage too.

Sunday Nov 1st: Max Teaches Rope Bondage 201
Rope instructor extraordinaire, Max of bondagelessons.com, continues his fantastic series of monthly rope classes. If you missed the 101 class, fear not, you will catch up quick. I'll be there with a VERY limited supply of rope to sell.

Thursday Nov 5th: Sex Worker Literati in NYC
It is with great delight that I will be attending this event with my NYC hosts. Some amazing presentations and performers will be there. I'm a tad "fan boy" with delight at getting to meet some of my industry idols.

Friday Nov 6th: The New York Sex Bloggers Calendar Release Party!
I guess I must have made a bit of an impression on Tess and Diva when I met them last week in CT as they are hosting me to be part of this very cool event. I'll be there, I'm bringing my personal rope as well as a one of a kind rope kit for the auction. By all the sounds, this party is going to be off the hook with some of the hottest sex advocates, workers, writers and outlaws from all over the country.

Saturday Nov 7th: Sensual Rope Bondage for the Not So Vanilla SOLD OUT!
I'm making a very rare teaching appearance in NYC to teach a small, hands on class in my unique style of sensual bondage. Sorry, Sold out.

Whew! I'm so glad that I'm getting a personal assistant again soon. I can barely remember where I left my pants last night!

2009-10-26T00:05:00.000-07:00

Interesting thing, writing a blog for almost 6 years... it takes on a life of its own. Like some kind of like a garden, it grows as you feed it and most days you love the harvest it provides, other days it feels like that monster from Little Shop of Horrors, going "FEED ME!"

Now I've said time and time again that I am no a "writer", nope and if you read enough of this blog then you will agree. I mispell, run-along and fragment the hell out of the English language in ways that would make most editors want to stab me repeatedly in the eye with a red pen. Nope, I'm an entertainer. My job here is to tell you a tale, in whatever medium I have at my disposal. Over the years as the various blogging fads have come and gone out of fashion I've enjoyed trying my hand at several. Who remembers when voicemail blogging was going to be the "next big thing"?

Yeah, not many of ya, thought so.

Since my new laptoplet has his handy little built in camera on it I thought perhaps what might be fun to try would be an un-edited, un scripted, and un rehearsed rant. Just me, the camera and a topic. I'd hit record and not stop till I ran out of steam, no retakes no do overs. I know this idea makes my video production guy want to scream, if he cant run me through at least 2 post production filters and re-renders then he won't take the job, but I digress.

So here you go: Me, a camera, a topic and a glass of whiskey.... you were warned.

Monk's Rant. 10/26/09 The goat and the crash helmet from Twisted Monk on Vimeo.

2009-10-22T10:46:00.000-07:00

What, no updates for a week? What the hell has Monk been up to now? Well in addition to storming the North East last weekend I've been working to bring you all this. A very rare appearance and class by me in NYC!

Tess and Diva present, direct from Seattle, The Twisted Monk for an intimate, hands on rope class in NYC.
"Sensual rope bondage for the not so vanilla"
Where: Fontana’s http://www.fontanasnyc.com/
When: Saturday Nov 7th Class 3-4:30pm with private Q&A session 4:30-5:30
Cost: $35 per person
Space is limited to only 20 people.
Reserve your spot now by clicking here!

Bring your rope! Monk has a small number of custom made rope kits just for this event. Price: $60 (Regular price $80)

About the class:

“Sensual Rope Bondage for the Not So Vanilla”

Rope, everybody is doing it.

So what is up with all this rope bondage stuff anyways? Seems like everywhere you look online these days folks are tying each other up and having sex. Maybe you have tried in the past, ya know silk ties to the bed posts perhaps, and now you want to know more?

Monk, founder of Twistedmonk.com the oldest and most trusted name in bondage rope, is hosting a very rare class and Q&A session on erotic rope bondage. More than your run of the mill “rope 101” class with a bunch of frustrating knots you will never remember, this class is all about the providing you with the building blocks as well as how to “think” in rope to expand your play options and confidently bring rope bondage into your bedroom.

Topics Include:
Why Rope? Or “So, do you get a lot of chicks with this rope bondage thing?”
Resources
Rope Safety
Single and double column ties and variations
Chest Harnesses with variations
Boy and girl ‘bits” bondage
Incorporating Rope into your play

If you are just starting to explore bondage or perhaps just very curious, this small hands on class is for you.

Class size is limited to only 20. In addition to the class, Monk has a special rope kit for sale. Supplies are limited.
After the class, Monk will be available for an intimate Q&A and demo session.

Click here to reserve your spot for this very rare, special event.

2009-10-15T07:43:00.001-07:00

Dearly departed.
In the air, my flight winging its way eastward through the night and into the morning till we reach our destination, Boston. Boston, however, is just the start if this trip.

The start would have to be back in San Francisco, exhausted and slightly buzzed from our day in the sun and sweat that was the Folsom Street Fair, Jezebel and I were conversing about all the sights we had just taken in. As I tended to the fresh, deep cuts left in her breasts by a wicked single tailing at the Kink.Com stage, she asked me if I ever missed “working” at events like this.
“There is no way to keep up with all the inbound demand and mount a large scale show at the same time; last one almost put me in the hospital. I retired from doing shows, much to the relief of my partners, about 18months ago. However, the chance to see my customers face to face, to hear their stories and share in their excitement for this thing I make? Oh I miss that more that you could imagine…”

And from there, a plan was hatched.

My old friend, Graydancer, has been after me for years to attend one of his “Un-conferences” equal parts an exercise in controlled anarchy and excuse to get a bunch of rope lovers who may never travel to a big convention a place to gather and learn, these have been growing in both number and popularity. I never thought I would be attending one till Jezebel suggested it.
“I’ve got a break that week, I’ll meet you in Boston for a bit and then you can head over to the event… I bet you they miss seeing you too.”

Next thing I knew, she had plane tickets, car rentals and hotel reservations bought and waiting for me, all I needed to do was figure out if they wanted me at the event and what I could bring to the show.

“Rope, you moron, lots of rope” was Gray’s ecstatic response.

And so here I am, headed into Boston with a case full of rope and a few very interesting, top secret new products to show off and get feedback on. First stop, however, is a swanky old school hotel where I’ll rest up and then connect with Jezebel. Tonight she wants to show me the town as well as indulge our shared fetish for all things strange as we embark on a late night tour of the town’s more infamous haunted places.

Tomorrow I’ll venture east to Connecticut, but tonight it is all about food, strong drinks and seeing if I can give Jezebel some fresh marks now that her single tail “trophies” seem to have faded away.

2009-10-14T13:16:00.000-07:00

Just got my first sneak peak at the shoots taken last week with Elizabeth Raab, I'm liking what I see so far.

2009-10-13T15:50:00.000-07:00

I know, I know.. I should be blogging. Up to my eyeballs getting ready for the Boston / Hartford trip. ALmost ready to go, just a few more pieces of rope to whip up and then some steel to pack away and then it is onto a red eye tomorrow night. Really exited to be in New England again and getting to see my old friend Gray as well as make some new friends too.

In the meantime I'm running about like a madman trying to remember everything I am forgetting to bring!

So while I write myself another note that reads "WEAR PANTS!" here is a thought for today.

The real problem with internet pornography? It is not the vast quanity of it, nor the ease with whish you can access it. A few clicks and next thing ya know you are watching GILFs take on the cast of HeeHaw, all in glorious HD. Nope, the real problem is that it is just not as much fun to hide as the old paper based porn of our youth.

Back in those days there was an art to owning illicit porn, you could not just leave it laying about for fear that your mom would find it. No, you had to hide it, but not too well for fear that accessing it might take too much work and then blow your cover. Or worse, you could end up like the last guy who owned my house. He forgot about his gay porn and left it for me to find sealed in the walls of the bathroom some 20 odd years later. No, there was an art to porn stashing. A lost art I fear.

Then there is the time honored ritual of "the passing of the porn". See, you can't just throw old pornography away in the trash when you are done with it. What if the garbage man finds it and tells your folks? Besides, think about the next generation of young, adolescent boys.. minds eager to understand the hormones that are bombarding their young bodies. No, you must pass the porn along. Give to the next generation, just as you were given to.

Somehow passing along your list of bookmarks just does not seem as satisfying, ya know?

2009-10-08T13:19:00.000-07:00

Twisted Monk Comes to The Columbia City Cabaret Oct. 30!

Columbia City Cabaret
Friday October 30, 2009
Release Date - immediately

Columbia City Theater
4916 Rainier Ave. S.
Seattle WA 98119

Contact- tamara@trapezelady.com
206-605-9920

$20 brownpapertickets.com
$25 cash only at the door
Ask about VIP group seating on the balcony

Columbia City Cabaret – FRIDAY October 30th

Well darlings, it has been a superb break for The Trapeze Lady and I
am seriously jonesing for some kinky Halloween action. Get ready to
explore the world of fetish and perversion Cabaret style.

Seattle's sweet dark darling RAVENNA BLACK exposes dreadfully odd
desires involving large squashes; wicked Queen MORGAN LA MAY is
casting evil spells and conjuring devious spirits; keep your "safe
word" in mind 'cause ERNIE VON SCHMALTZ could push buttons you didn't
know you had; VIVA AND VIOLET THE AERIAL RIOT exhibit a possible form
of alien sex; Seattle SM legend TWISTED MONK has something especially
diabolical is mind; and TAMARA THE TRAPEZE LADY plays devoted bottom
to her precious carabiners. Oh yes yes YES! You WILL leave satisfied
and exhausted from this "Frighteningly Kinky" Columbia City Cabaret.

2009-10-06T11:07:00.000-07:00

Behold, the "Tiara of Twue Dominance"

Taken at Folsom last week as I was wrapping up being the support top for an amazing pair of single tail scenes with Matisse. Big thanks to Lochai for letting us play in the Kink.Com booth. (Rigging for them is on the "things to do before I die" list)

Seems only fitting, that at a huge leather festival in the heart of San Francisco that I'd be sporting a tiara, especally a tiara that when worn demands that you address me as "Sir" (and don't forget the courtesy too)

2009-10-05T10:28:00.000-07:00

What, you have never seen a guy sporting a tiara and demanding that you address him as "Sir"?

In my ongoing quest to insert just a wee bit more sureal humor and fun into sex, yesterday I as I was vending at Max's very well attended Bondage 101 class, I was sporting a bejeweled tiara. When asked why I was sitting back, casually watching the students happily tie each other up, wearing a tiara. My response was "What, you don't have a Tiara of Real and Twue Dominance"?

Longtime blog readers heard that and burst into fits of laughter, they already knew about my "Resplendent Topping Panties of Dooooom" So before I can even begin to describe the awesome that is my tiara, the rest of you need to play some catch up.

So from the archives, originally posted June 6, 2005 (yeah I been blogging for a fucking long time)
Beware my resplendent topping panties!

There is a certain way one must walk when about to do a rope scene while wearing a pair of frilly women’s pantaloon style bloomers and knee high Doc Martin’s boots. Full of fire and vigor, like you are the biggest, baddest motherfucker in the whole damn place.

Why am I wearing pantaloons while topping a rope scene in a public dungeon you ask?

Perhaps I should back up a bit….

One of the unique joys of working a convention is meeting folks. One of our new friends was Scott from Big Head Studios; he is what you might call kindred soul (aka a goofy fucker who knows that the key to life is to not take it all TOO seriously). Tomorrow I was to be his stunt model for a class on latex bondage, or has we were calling it, “Operation Biscuit Dip”. But that, dear readers, is a tale for later. No for this is a tale of the challenge he laid down that evening in the dungeon.

Tambo and I arrive and the dungeon is hopping. Filled with happy perverts tying each other up and doing all manner of lovely, naughty things to each other. She was dressed in a stunning black Chinese cocktail dress and I in my tight shiny latex pants and “Trained by Midori” t-shirt (a shirt that she her self guarantees that the wearer will get laid in if worn to a convention) After we make a quick pass we run into Scott and his lovely girlfriend (who’s tag reads, “Scott’s Niece” long story). This bundle of kinetic energy is frolicking about wearing vintage bloomer style panties (and not much else). Scott stands there smiling and holding a large bundle of panties in his hands.

What happens next is a bit blurry. Some say that he dared me; others would say that I offered, but either way I ended up removing my pants and donning a pair of thin mesh women’s panties, complete with frills. Now the only way one can wear frilly panties and not look like a complete queen is to really wear them. Go big, or go home. These were no longer just women’s panties I was wearing. No, these were now my “Resplendent Topping Panties” and I was not only going to strut about the dungeon with my head held high and shoulders back, but I was also going to deliver a hell of a scene while wearing them.

We drew a few stares as we laid out our gear under the hard point.

Now anyone who was watching our play in hopes of seeing some kind of zen like activity, well you are obviously reading the wrong blog. Tambo and I play, as in laugh and enjoy the moment. This was to be no exception, save for the fact that I was feeling a bit extra mean at the moment and hung her up in a very strenuous position.

Tambo blames the panties.

Once up and stable in my ropes, I take to tormenting this lovely girl. One of our favorite things is when I leave her hands free and then do things like tickle her exposed feet or slap her bottom as it swings by. In response she becomes a tenacious monkey, grabbing at me and trying to steal away the item I’m trying to swat her with. Of course this time she was extra motivated.

I was spanking her with a Gideon’s bible.

You see, before we left our room earlier I snuck the thing onto my bag as a joke. Thing is, hotel bibles pack one hell of a thump. Tambo found out the hard way as her naked body swung past me while she was using the rigging like an adult swing set.

In a howl that could best be described as a mix of surprise and laughter she spun around in the rigging and began trying to snatch the book from me.

I easily evade her grasp and sit just out of her swinging reach, opening the tome I read to her from the “Trials of Job”. This just makes her swing even harder in the rigging as she stretches out and deftly snatches the book from me with the tips of her fingers. I love her.

Spinning about with her hands, she looks like a sort of cross between a alligator or the scary girl from The Ring, that is if either of them enjoyed suspension bondage that is. We dance and parry like this. Me dodging from side to side as she tries to keep me in front of her and away from her exposed bottom and the book.

I reach out and grab a fist full of her long dark hair and pull. I pull her entire body up such that she is facing me, her body strains against the rigging that pulls against her. The muscles in my shoulders flex and strain under the load as she bares her teeth and snarls at me.
Say it
I smile and ask politely
“Fuck you” She barks
“Oh I just love it when you talk dirty. Now say it”
“Never” She sneers and giggles.
I release her hair and let her body swing back and forth in the rigging. Her howls of laughter rise and fall as she swings.

This goes on like this till we are both drenched in sweat and high from laughing too much. Finally, when she can take no more, she sighs and says,
“Yes, I now fear your Resplendent Topping Panties!”

I lower her to the floor and we both lay there heaving and laughing. “You evil fucker” she pants.
“Don’t blame me, its the panties”

Then the giggling starts again.

Tomorrow night she will don the panties in question for a play date with 2 sweet, giggly girls we know. I, on the other hand, will be busy with a “Cultural Smack Down Scene” with a lovely British strumpet. But for tonight we lay and laugh at each other.

2009-10-02T13:55:00.000-07:00

Yes, this blog post is about my balls...

It happened again this morning, seems to always happen about this time of year too. You think by now I would now and be prepared for it, perhaps have something on hand just in case... but no, I never do. This morning as I leapt onto my motorcycle and made my way into the Abbey I was not thinking about it. Happily riding along in the damp, autumn morning, it did not occur to me till I was half way to my destination. I think it was about the point when I felt my balls start crawling up into my stomach from the bone chilling, wet cold that swept across me that I realized it. Oh fuck, it is winter in Seattle again and I ride a motorcycle!

During the spring, summer and even into the late fall I am pretty smug about my year round commitment to ride a motorcycle. At 40+ miles per gallon, a side car that lets me shop at costco with ease and a tiny environmental footprint my old bike is a fantastic alternative to a car, not to mention the pretty girls love it on a summer's evening. That is until it starts to rain and I forget to dig out my wet weather gear. Then. then it is a ball freezing SOB that makes me want to say fuck the environment and buy a Hummer H2, complete with baby seal seats and dolphin skin accents.

Oh I have good rain gear, and no not the kind that makes me look like the Gorton's Fisherman either (I'm talking to you Kl8ton) Sweet gear like custom made, police style lap blankets to keep my legs dry and last year I was even lucky and someone wonderful bought me a set of heated gloves, so my poor hands won't feel like lobster claws.

Ya know what I do need? Ball warmers. (well just one warmer.. for both balls to be exact)

I'm thinking a heated motorcycle seat would be just what Monk needs to keep his already small boy bits from shrinking to the point of him being confused a eunuch. Let's face it, "I was swimming" can only get ya so far. While I am on the topic of new seats and genitals, ya know what else would be amazing to add the bike?

A throttle controlled vibrator installed in the sidecar seat.

When I showed this to Tambo, she took it a step further and suggested that I ask the evil brains at House of Gord to just install a fucking machine of some sort into the sidecar. Leave it to my darling to always take a good idea and make it an amazing one, but I think for now I'll opt for the vibrating seat and maybe some strategic tie points just below the line of sight.

2009-10-01T12:31:00.000-07:00

I'm glad one of us is paying attention.

Just got a note from a reader expressing how much they love it when Matisse and I rant on the podcasts. Podcast?! Huh, we posted a new one? Oh, yeah. I guess MM did last night. Glad she is in charge of publishing these and I'm just on deck to be the color commentary.

Seems like since I landed on Monday afternoon I've not stopped running, playing catch up after 3 days of hedonism at Folsom. I know, I know no rest for the wicked... but still whew! Talk about one tired Monk!

On the plus side, I'd rather be exhausted and living the amazing life I have than well rested and unhappy.

2009-09-25T08:43:00.000-07:00

I think some days you listen a little too closely

A reader and podcast listener sent me a note yesterday commenting about one of my numerous caffinee fueled rants on a recent podcast. In said rant, I went off on two of my favorite topics. Sex and zombies. Somehow through the miracle of poor logic and fast talking I managed to steer the rant into "why the hell don't zombies come back horny?"

And what do I find in my inbox, but a link to "Sex Tips For Zombies"
Now, I wish I could just pass this off as another flash in the pan, jumping on the undead bandwagon and gone in 6 months blog, but the thing is... it is actually really fucking funny.

I really need to close this up, dive into this pile of Color of the Month orders and then put the finishing touches on my Folsom prep, but I'll leave you with this thought. While I do not consider myself a "hipster" by any stretch of the imagination, I like to think I have a decent eye for the ebb and flow of popular culture. Is it just me or has the whole "Zombie thing" started to reach a sort of cultural critical mass? That point where, like bacon before it, go from being good clean(ish) fun to becoming the punchline to it's own joke? Bacon flavored lube, anyone? Or will it remain a timeless form of entertainment, much like seeing Brit men dressed in drag or watching videos of guys getting smacked in the balls?**

In short, has the Zombie jumped the shark?*

*We all know what happened when the zombie fought the shark, Splatter genius Lucio Fulci showed us that already.
**Or even the most timeless of all humor, the fart joke. Combine all three, Brit men in drag, getting smacked in the junk and making fart jokes? I dare say you have the holy grail of humor (or a good night on BBC America after a serious bender)

2009-09-23T11:00:00.000-07:00

September's Color of the Month is Here!

It would be impossible to stock all the unique colors that folks ask for on a regular basis. So instead we now offer a new and unique color every month.

This month's color is a caramel brown with a dappling of candy apple red for added visual texture and depth. Since it is state fair season, we hereby dub this shade: "Carmel Apple"

Between Folsom and our usual insane order backlog this is a very small batch. I do not expect it to last long so hop on it now if you want some.

Now for the record, I feel I should address my darling Matisse's recent post where she accuses me of being a bad influence and encouraging her to indulge in a cocktail while we were recording our recent block of podcasts.

Guilty as charged.

As those who know me well and they will all fondly agree, "Monk brings out the worst in people and more often than not it is the very thing that needs to come out and play at the time"

2009-09-22T18:01:00.000-07:00

Color of the Month Update!
As soon as it is out of the drying room tomorrow and oiled up, I am putting our latest offering up for sale on the website. Photos coming soon, but the shade is a caramel brown with flecks of candy apple red. We are calling it "Caramel Apple"

Look for it to go live around 11am PST on Wednesday.

2009-09-21T11:08:00.000-07:00

I think Jester may have mixed some gun powder into my coffee

I can't blame him really, he does not drink the stuff and with half the crew out the two of us are screaming about the Abbey trying to get this huge fucking pile of orders out the door. UPS, DLH and every one else is delivering fresh stock to us today AND if that is not enough I'm also rigging for my first pro-bondage shoot with NakedGord.Com today.

Yeah, gonna be a crazy couple of days :)

In the meantime, enjoy another fun post from the vaults. This is a personal favorite of mine and the whole, "I intend to fuck you so hard you will sustain internal bruising" seems to be a reoccurring theme in my world... I wonder why?

Originally posted: December 02/2004
Atomic Fucking
I once read that somewhere, there existed the oldest known text of erotica, an ancient Japanese sex manual, in fact. In this manual, the author describes fifteen unique and distinct motions a man should be able to make with his penis while making love to a woman. That’s right, fifteen - and you thought “in, out, and repeat as necessary” was it?

Things like:

“…like a sandpiper plucking insects from shore”
or
“..as if a great wave crashing upon a rocky beach”

And so on.

Of course this made for great flirtation fodder, “so, yeah, I have the first 7 down cold, but maybe with you I can finally master 8 and 9?”

The one “motion” they did not cover is what I’ll call “Atomic Fucking". Now, hard fierce sex seems to have gotten a bad rap as of late. Yes, I know that I should heed the call of the great and might Tenacious D and “fuck her gently” but I doubt that even Jack Black would disagree with me on this.

So what is Atomic Sex then? This is that hot, sweaty, sex that runs the fine line between love and anger. The kind of sex where you do not merely thrust yourself into your lover – no, you are out to hurt her with your cock. To penetrate her, and drive yourself into her with an animalistic fury that borders on sadistic. Blinded by your mutual feral lust, you seek to pound her, to fuck her with such a fury of hunger and passion as to leave you both incapable of speech afterwards and, if you have the stamina, unable to put your legs together the next day.

Of course, this really is not the best way to say start your night of love making, no that would be like having Led Zeppelin play as your opening act. This is the kid of sex that leaves you both exhausted and unable to do more than curl into each other and shudder.

Rather, like an atomic bomb, your must assemble the proper components in order to create the chain reaction needed to create this devastating sexual experience.

First you need the proper fissionable base material. A good and sexually charged relationship where you really trust your partner. Yes, there must be lust present, but equally important is trust. If you are to let go of yourself and blindly throw your being into this sort of madness of lust, you better be damn sure your lover is cool with this. Things will be said as you claw madly at each other. Names will be called; curses exchanged and yes, bruises left… If you are not secure that in the heat of your mutual desire, these are in fact cries of love and affection and that the bite marks are tokens of your love - well then, you are going to be having a lot of apologizing to do later.

Next would be the ignition sequence. Again, this is not something you just say, “hey sweetie let’s take off our clothes, pull each other’s hair and call one another filthy names!” No this must be triggered… slowly. We all have them, those little buttons that push us beyond our normal limits, beyond our own control and into that feral space. That space where we fully let goes your control, where we succumb to our inner beasts. You cannot just rush into this space, it must build up pressure. Pull hard against me, dig your nails into my shoulders, bite down hard upon the muscles of my chest and I transform. Like the cursed man when he sees the full moon rise, I can almost feel my canines lengthen and sharpen. Snarling, I respond in kind.

Then there is the whole matter of payload. Just how hard and long can you go like this? Sure there is the physical aspect to consider. You are not merely thrusting your hips together with force, no you are driving your whole body into your lover with hunger and furry. You sweat, you grind flesh, and you both scream… a lot. But how far is too far? What is the difference between, say Bikini Atoll Atomic Fucking and oh say Global Thermal Nuclear War? Duration? Intensity?

Perhaps by the number of cop cars that shows up at your door due to panicked neighbors?

2009-09-20T00:20:00.000-07:00

Folsom Fashion Blues

Well gentle readers, the signs are all there. The kids are back in school, crappy horror movies are back in the theaters and Tambo wants to put a giant inflatable jack-o-lantern in our front lawn. Yes summer is over and fall is here, but before I trade my tank tops for flannel shirts there is one last big event that will officially mark the end of summer.

The Folsom Street Fair.

Ah Folsom, the one day of the year when downtown San Francisco is transformed into a giant, gay leather fest. The only place in the world where you could run up to a cop screaming, “Officer, officer! There is a man, naked, and he is handcuffed to that fence over there!” and the officer will calmly respond, “Well, does he WANT to be?” Long term readers will know that I’ve a unique place in my heart for this event. Our first trip, 6 years ago, was a watershed event both personally and for the company. Marking the moment when we went from “guy in his back yard” to “world’s biggest bondage rope supplier”. Over the years I’ve attended as a vendor, a performer and even as a tourist. This year I wrap all those past experiences into one brand new and very exciting adventure. This year I will be attending as a personal tour guide for dear Jezebel.

I am blessed to live a life that allows me to have so many wonderful and varied relationships in it. Each one is very different and each brings a unique perspective and insight with it. I never thought that in all my years I would have a playmate grow into a relationship where we could travel together and she would enjoy my company as both her top and tour guide. Let’s face it, even my partners get annoyed with me what with all the lawn gnome jokes and constant email checking. So having someone grow from seeing me only in the dungeon a few hours at a time to someone who will invite me to travel with her is a huge leap for us both. It will be quite an adventure, but I have great faith that we will have a grand and very naughty time.

Now the real worry I have is what to wear?

2009-09-18T10:45:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday Folks...
Now while I gear up for what will be a very long and interesting day. Why? Let me see... tonight I'm performing at the Little Red Studio Gold Show again, with a new person that I've never put rope on before. Think of it as "extreme contact improv" and then I have a much looked forward to date with a very, very Charming Girl, whom I've missed terribly.

But first there is this matter of a private rope session that I need to attend to. So while I dash for the shower and pound back another cup of coffee. Enjoy the newest podcast from Matisse and I. It is short, but entertaining.

2009-09-17T09:47:00.000-07:00

Last Chance, Last Dance

I'm gearing up to start a new color of the month dye job today, as I was walking out to my motorcycle this morning I was overwhelmed and inspired by all the cool colors the great maple tree in my back yard has turned as of late. Tromping across the fallen leaves and dew covered grass as my old dog trotted along side, in the hopes of taking a ride with me to work in the sidecar, her pale yellow paws were covered in flecks of damp green grass and copper brown mud. Fall has its own unique color pallet and watching the world shift from summer into it, knowing that eventually it too will bleed away into the monochrome of winter... well it just inspired me.

So while I ponder the mix of golds, deep greens and burnt oranges at my disposal, you should expect to see a new color posted probably on Monday.

Now on that note, for those of you still looking to pick up our 3-strand Bavarian rope... this is your LAST CHANCE. Word from our suppliers in Germany tell me that this was a complete fluke, a one time job and not even (technically) allowed for export. I've got a few hundred feet of the stock left and whatever does not sell is going in my toybag.

So order yours now or miss out on this one of a kind rope.

2009-09-16T13:59:00.000-07:00

Lay the smack down!
How many times have we seen this in porn? The dude is fucking her from behind and in between strokes he sorta halfheartedly swats her ass, usually in the exact same spot and much to the obvious annoyance of his co-star he continues to do so till it is time for his money shot. What, you don’t watch porn? What the hell is wrong with you?! I mean damn, what else is the internet for besides porn and Nigerian bank scams?

Well for those of you who don’t seem to enjoy the digital smut, let me fill you in on a little trend that is happening in “mainstream” pornography. More and more elements of sm play are leaking into straight porn, you see more and more spankings, face slapping and the occasional choke hold. Now I am not going into the last 2 items here as they will take much more blog space than I have time today, but suffice to say these things normally seen only in kink porn are now being seen by consumers of “vanilla” porn and frankly they are getting a terrible education if they think swatting a gal’s ass repeatedly in the same damn spot while fucking her is normal, or even welcome.

Over the course of my personal and professional career as a pervert, it has been my pleasure to deliver a number of spankings and I’ve grown to become an aficionado of the art. So here, let me share 3 important rules for giving a fun, sexy and hot spanking.

1) A good spanking can be a scene unto itself. While the guys in porn seem to think that the only time you should swat her on her ass is while you are jackhamering her from behind like a muppet on meth, sometimes it is the spanking that should be the focus of the scene. Like how you ask? I’ve aided wayward students when they have lost their motivation to finish a thesis paper. Visited very high powered executives in their penthouse offices and delivered a sound debriefing from behind closed board room doors and right now I’m rather looking forward to spending an evening playing out a “Mad Men” inspired dinner date where the host gets put over my knee for dessert.
2) Location, location, location. Now logic would dictate that one should want to strike the largest, meatiest part of the ass. Hence most folks tend to aim for what I like to call the “high and outside” area and usually end up hitting closer to where the hip joint is. This tends to mostly just sting and annoy. Instead aim low, right between the cheeks and just above the ass hole. This is the “sweet spot” where you can get a nice, meaty thump when you strike and the shock wave is felt in the person’s tingly bits. Now don’t suffer from SDS or “Same DAMNED Spot”, syndrome either. Target your strikes with varied speed and intensity around the sweet spot, even edging a bit into the high and outside territory, but focus on the good spot.
3) Connect. Maybe it is just me and how I tend to interact to my world through touch and texture, but bringing my hand down on a bare bottom. Feeling it connect and the warmth as skin flushes red, hearing that resonating smack and responding yelp is… is just wonderful. While I have an insane arsenal of floggers, canes and other such impact toys, nothing is quite as satisfying and connecting as my hand on the exposed flesh of another. Holding them close as they wriggle and squirm in both anticipation and in hopes of escaping the next blow… just makes me happy. Don’t stand back, a spanking is an up close and personal act.

Of course, once their ass has been soundly made into a bright red bundle of hand prints… feel free to jackhammer it like a muppet on meth …

2009-09-15T10:24:00.000-07:00

Hear me flirt with Dan Savage on his podcast! (about midway through)

2009-09-13T14:26:00.000-07:00

Podcast, Call for questions
Matisse and I are setting up another recording session this Tuesday for some fresh podcast action. If you have a question regarding kink, polyamory, sex work or perhaps what Star Wars character we would most like to see naked, shoot me an email.