Daydream Believer

The Bachelorette: Bullies, Bachelors, Ben, Oh My!

2013-06-12T13:16:00.001-04:00

Chris wastes no time this week coming to see the bros to let them no what's up. There will be two group dates, plus a one-on-one. They all act like they're really excited about the group dates, and Chris leaves them with the date card. A bunch of the boys, including Ben and Michael, loathed enemies, will be going on the first group date. What will they be doing? Playing a friendly game of dodge ball, of course!

They start practicing with a national dodge ball team, and then Chris B. Harrison walks in. He breaks the group up into two different teams, with Michael and Mikey NOT on Ben's team, meaning things are gonna get ruff, ya'll.

The two teams take to the streets in ridiculous uniforms. They look all tough and idiotic.

At the end of the first game, Drew and Chris are facing off on-on-one. Drew provides the commentary, making himself out to be some sort of hero. Wow, Drew! Congratulations--you are a grown man and just won a dodge ball game for your team. Get a life.

During the second game, the red team is able to even the match. Gosh, this is so exciting!

Let's just get to the ambulance scene we saw in the previews, ok, ABC?

Ask and ye shall receive, because Brooks goes down with a broken finger. Big deal. I was really hoping for something more exciting.

The blue team one in a fake-exciting last match. Des runs onto the field to congratulate her men. The red team sulks off the field. Des feels sad that the red team will have to go home for the night, so she decides to bring both teams anyway. How kind of her.

Meanwhile, back at the hospital, Brooks is near death. He passes out whilst getting his finger realigned. He wakes up with an oxygen mask around his face. OMG, Brooks! Pull through! Please pull through. The scene ends with him passed out on the gurney. Please, everyone, pray for a speedy recovery.

Back at the partay, Chad pulls Des aside to reveal that he has a three-year-old son. Des acts like he just asked her to marry him. She asks if he misses him. Does he really have a choice when it comes to that question?

Some guy I've never seen before takes Des away for some one-on-one time. He tells her that he was on the fence about her, but the way she acted at the dodge ball tournament really sold him. Really, Some Guy I've Never Seen Before? What was it? The way she was jumping up and down and laughing on the sidelines? That was pretty killer of her.

OMG, IT'S A MIRACLE!! The Rocky-type music starts to play, and in comes Brooks!! He's made a full recovery! He wastes no time getting under a blanky with Des Des. They tell each other they've missed each other. Then they kiss. They make gross slurpy sounds.

Des says it comes naturally between the two of them, so much so that they don't even have to try. I guess that's one way to describe never talking and always kissing.

Des gives the rose to the guy I've never seen before, whose name is Chris. He doesn't act thrilled in any way. It was actually kind of weird.

Chris gets to have some extra QT with Des. They go to a private concert with someone named Kate Earl, who just secured her spot in the unemployment line by appearing on this show.

Once again, Brandon is in the shadows, watching Des's every move. I love how creepy he is. Fantastic!

All of the guys are devastated that they weren't the ones able to go to the free concert, but really they're just upset they won't be able to cop a feel on Des.

Chris says "journey" a couple hundred times, then the camera fades to the sky. Sigh, how perfect.

The next scene shows Des contemplating life and writing in her journal (not the one Zac gave her). Her cell phone rings. Who could it be? Chris B. Harrison tells something crappy about one of the guys. He insists she come to the guys' house and tell this guy off! OH YEAH! She gets in the baby blue Bentley and takes off!

She tells Casey that she'll be going on the one-on-one date with him in a few minutes, but she needs to confront Brian. WHO THE HELL IS BRIAN??!

So she takes this alleged Brian outside to talk to him. He says he's very serious about this journey, and yada yada yada. He tells her he's still friends with his last girlfriend. The girlfriend comes out to confront Brian and Des. Des hugs her when they're introduced.

Drew says Brian is in big trouble!!!! You don't go on a dating show if you're dating someone else!!!

Stephanie goes off on Brian. Des is trying not to laugh.

This is soooo fake. It's also going on WAAAAAAAAY too long.

Ooh, but it comes out that Stephanie threw rocks at Brian at one point in their relationship. That's pretty awesome. Stephanie is a psycho kitty and should be a contestant on the next season. Brian admits they had sex two days before the show started filming. Des tells him to get out. The fighting continues. Then they leave.

Brandon starts crying to the camera. Stephanie has a little boy, and Brandon feels is reminded of all of the men who walked in and out of his life while growing up. I don't want to sound callous here, because that really sucks, but Brandon, I think you need to work on some things before you get in a relationship.

Des takes Casey on their date, which will be dancing while hanging off the side of a building. Is this seriously a thing now? How do these things come about? Can you get a B.A. in Dancing While Hanging Off the Side of a Building these days? SO DUMB.

Casey says, "Being here on the side of a building with Deseree feels like we're sharing a moment that no one else will share." Yeah, that's because no one actually dances while hanging off the side of a building.

Des says she thinks she peed her pants. I think she's not kidding.

In order to save money, dinner will be served on the same building they danced on. Des and Casey try to have a romantic time, but the Santa Ana winds get in their way. Des can't see two inches in front of her because her hair is in her face. Casey just looks relieved that he doesn't have to come up with more things to say.

So, instead of talking, while the wind blows, they start to make out in the pool. They have to stop, though, because Des gets cold. She feels bad, so she gives him the rose. She tells him she's had "such a great day," yet she told the audience it's been a disaster from the beginning. Whatevs, Des.

Next up is the group date. Des decides to have the guys work with the stunt team of The Lone Ranger. They've decided to have some sort of stunt competition. The guy who wins gets some alone time with Des. Ooh la la.

After all of the stupid role playing, Des chooses to spend some quality time with Juan Pablo. They go in a barn and get to watch The Lone Ranger. Des tells the camera that it's the best date she's ever had. I guess she doesn't date much, because all they did was eat popcorn and watch a movie. Juan Pablo did get a little tongue action in, along with a nifty Lone Ranger badge.

After, Des and the guys hang out for the rest of the group date. Mikey/James--can't remember his name tells her that his dad has pancreatitis and he's worried about him. He asked her to please tell him if he's not in the running. She responds by giving him the date rose. Mikey/James is happy.

Chris B. Harrison comes in the next day to tell the guys that there won't be a cocktail hour before the rose ceremony. Instead, they'll all be spending some time half naked in the pool with Des. Des looks right at home surrounded by 20 men in skimpy shorts. Good for her.

The guys are ticked at Ben for sneaking off to go for a fifteen-minute car ride with Des. He denies that he saw her, and the guys get upset that he lied. Lay off, guys.

Brandon comes over and tells Des he'll never hurt her. He's falling in love with her. Des looks uncomfortable. I think he's going home.

At the rose ceremony, Des comes out in a stunning navy blue gown. Wow, it is awesome. Anyway, here are the lucky guys who make it to week four:

1. Bryden
2. Juan Pablo
3. Zach W.
4. Brooks
5. Drew
6. Other Zach
7. Brad, the guy I only ever see at rose ceremonies
8. Michael G.
9. Mikey
10. Ben

Poor Brando gets his heart broken when Des doesn't get a rose. He looks shocked and pissed. Dan also didn't get a rose. He's bummed. But let's get back to Brandon. He tells the camera that he's blown away. He tells Des he doesn't understand, but Des says she's sorry, but he's not for her. She runs after him. He's distraught and she tells him that they don't have chemistry together. He says it sucks so bad because he's in love with her. HOW IS HE IN LOVE WITH HER?? His last words? "Once again, someone left me." Uh, that's screwed up, dude. His scene finally ends, thank the Lord.

Next week looks like another "I Hate Ben Fest." Wow, they're really hitting us over the head with this, aren't they? Why don't they just make Ben the new Bachelor so we can move on with our lives? Thanks, ABC.

Bachelorette: Week 2 (Even Though We're On Week 3)

2013-06-11T14:02:00.000-04:00

Due to a romantic European getaway last week, I didn't have time to watch and review last week's episode of The Bachelorette, so I'll do that now. Tomorrow, I'll review this week's. Hopefully I'll be back on track soon. Maybe I'll even write non-Bachelorette posts.

Anyway, Des decides to go on the first one-on-one date with Brooks, who's cute and seems sweet. Their first destination is a wedding dress shop. Brooks dresses up in tuxedos while Des wears wedding gowns. It was really dumb. Then they go and get ogled by fans and eat wedding cake at a cake truck stand (Do these things actually exist now? I miss the US!). They trekked up to the Hollywood sign (still in a wedding dress and tux). They talk about their feelings and have a good time, and then they go for a drive through Hollywood at night. Des says she's lost. Brooks says he's scared because he says a neighborhood with--GASP!--graffiti. There is a "Road Closed" sign, but Des says she moves those all the time. When they drove through the closed road, they find a candlelit dinner waiting for them. Wow, Brooks, that neighborhood really sucks! Then they had their own personal concert with some C-list singer. I'm not even going to pretend who the dude is.

Anyway, Brooks starts to tear up when Des asks about his views on marriage since his parents are divorced. His dad wasn't in his life for six years while he was growing up, and he says he never wants that to happen to his kids. They make out. Des gives him the date rose. Brooks lives to see another week.

Then a ton of guys get chosen for the one-on-one date. Ben is going on the date, and all of the guys are pissed because they don't think he's there for the right reasons. Who gives a crap? Des tells the guys they're going to be in a rap video with Soulja Boy. Wow, you can kiss your career goodbye, Soulja. Can I call you Soulja? Or Boy? Thanks.

Ben takes Des away for some alone time, and all of the guys get mad at him again. Ben is very pretty, and since Des gave him the first impression rose, everyone hates him.

They all go back to chill with Des and get some one-on-one time with her. Zac W. presents her with an antique journal that's never been used. Zac W. is my favorite, but I think the used journal thing is kinda weird. I mean, it was addressed to some chick named Cara from "Daddy." Why did Cara never write in her journal? Why is this journal at a second-hand store? I'm creeped out.

Then Ben pulls her away and everyone gets mad again. They make out, and then the camera pans on Brandon, who's kind of playing a psycho-stalker roll and hiding in the shadows. He watches them make out. He tells the camera it hurts.

So then Brandon feels compelled to tell Des how serious he is. He tells her that his dad left when he was little. He was raised by his drug addict mother who would go away for weeks at a time. Brandon was forced to raise his sister and brother. I commend him for that, for sure. That's not an easy life, and no kid should have to grow up so quickly. However, I don't really think Brandon should have opened up so quickly to Des. IDK. Des liked it, though.

Ben gets the date rose again, so everyone is really pissed and starts plotting against him.

Back at the house, Bryden finds out he won the second one-on-one date with Des, who decides to take him on a road trip to some California beach. Bryden is quiet, so I can't imagine how awkward that car ride must have been. Ben films Des romping on the beach, and then they go have some lunch. Des says, "Road trip and fish tacos!" Somehow, that seems dirty. They talk over dinner. Byden confesses that he was in a horrific car accident and almost died. And then he busted out pictures of the accident to prove it.

Um, Bryden? Do you really need to show her these pictures right now? And why do you carry pictures of yourself in a hospital bed around with you?

They decide to go for a dip (with suits). They share a really long, awkward moment, and then Des says, "Just kiss me already." So they make out. He gets the rose. Of course he gets the rose.

Ben continues to piss off the other guys the night of the rose ceremony. Michael takes her for some one-on-one magic to make his big confession: He has Type 1 Diabetes. Ben interrupts them, which pisses Michael and the rest of the dudes off because he already has his rose. They call him out on it and diss him. Ben doesn't care because he got to make out with Des some more. I don't care because this show is really starting to suck for me.

Some other dudes tell Des their life stories, and then it's time to hand out the roses. The people who survived this week are:

1. Brooks
2. Ben
3. Bryden
4. James
5. Casey
6. Dan (Who is this guy?? Is he new?)
7. Juan Pablo (She asks him in Spanish to accept her rose...bad accent, girlfriend. Nice try!)
8. Brad (I don't remember any of this people!)
9. Chris (Once again, no idea)
10. Bray? I don't know this guy's name. Brain? Brian?
11. Seth
12. Drew
13. Mikey
14. Zach
15. Michael
16. Brandon

The next epsiode looks pretty juicy, mostly because Des likes to make out with different guys a lot. There's a lot of intense drama, mostly surrounding Ben, which I always enjoy (unless I'm part of the drama...which I always hate). Someone goes to the hospital, and some chick comes on to confront her boyfriend. I think she's an actress or something. This show really sucks. I love it.

PS: OMG: Des' rap video may possibly be the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. Even worse than when I was a sophomore in high school and was forced to watch "The Miracle of Life" with the most immature boys on the planet. Gah. The horror!

The Bachelorette is Back!

2013-05-28T09:30:00.000-04:00

The Bachelorette is back, and with that, so is my blog! Hooray!! Desiree from Sean's season is going to entertain us for the next few months, and within the first minute of the start of the show, Desiree starts crying. This is going to be awesome, you guys. I think there are going to be lots of tears and overuse of the word "journey."

To start the season, we see Desiree driving up in an old Honda. I foolishly thought ABC was having severe budget problems, but then Chris B. Harrison appears and gives Des a mansion and a Bentley for her stay.

Des takes the car out for some fun in Malibu. She decides to go rollerskating because this is obviously 1975. She also looks exactly like Katie Holmes:

This is crazy!

After Des and Chris B. Harrison have several heart-to-hearts, it was time to meet the men, who are all adorable:

1. Bryden is from Montana and is a 26-year-old soldier.
2. Will is 28 and a banker from Chicago. He also does yoga and is adorable.
3. Drew, a twenty-seven year old from Arizona, is a digital marketer.
4. Nick, from Chicago, is a tailor/magician. He is also annoying.
5. Zak, from Texas, is a drilling fluid engineer. He is also hot and walks around the house without his shirt. Did I mention he's hot?
6. Robert, an advertising entrepreneur from L.A., is 30 and cute.
7. Mike, originally from London, is currently a dental student in Dallas. He's 28. Unfortunately, he no longer has his British accent. I love British accents.
8. Brandon is a painting contractor from Costa Mesa, California. He's 26 and loves to be outside. Brandon did not have an easy time growing up. His dad left when he was little, and his mom, he says, was a good mom when she wasn't drunk. I think he's adorable, and I think he and Des would make a good match. I'm not sure if he's my favorite, but he's certainly in the top five.
9. Brooks is 28 and a marketing consultant from Salt Lake City. He was really, really nervous when he met Des, which makes him adorable in my book. He seems like a sweet guy.
10. Brad, 27, is an accountant from Denver. He gives Des a wishbone. She gets the larger piece, which I think he rigged. It's a cute idea.
11. Michael G. is a thirty-one-year-old federal prosecutor from Miami. He tries to find the penny that Des made a wish on during Sean's season, but he couldn't. Instead, he and Des throw new pennies into the fountain. Boring!
12. Kasey is from San Luis Obispo, California. He's an ad executive who works in social media. He says hashtag before every work and nicknames Des Athena. He's annoying and I want him gone, Des. Also, why does there have to be a Kasey on every single season of both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette??
13. Mikey T, from Winfield Illinois, is a plumbing contractor and thirty years old. I don't remember him at all.
14. Jonathan is a lawyer from Hickory, North Carolina. He gives Des an envelope and a key to the fantasy suite when they first meet. He then tries to take her to a fantasy suite that he's created in the mansion. It's all creepy and a bit put-on, I believe. Needless to say, Des sends him home--even BEFORE the rose ceremony starts. I think he was drunk. I wish I was.
15. James is twenty-seven and an ad executive from Chicago, just like every other guy on this show.
16. Larry is an ER doctor. He's 34 and was my favorite, even though he didn't get a rose. I think his sense of humor is very dry and sarcastic, and I think Des just didn't know when he was being serious and when he was kidding. I kind of love him in a BFF-kind of way.
17. Zack K. is a book publisher from Newport Beach, California. Zack K., I want your job. Thanks.
18. Diogo is twenty-nine and a ski resort manager from Lake Tahoe. He shows up in armor, which was bizarre. Des dumps him the first chance she gets.
19. Chris, 27, is a mortgage broker from Seattle. He gets down on one knee and asks Desiree if it's ok if he ties his shoe. It's dumb, but she likes it. Oh, Des, we have such different senses of humor. I'm glad I'm not looking to marry you.
20. Juan Pablo is a thirty-one-year-old former soccer pro who lives in Miami. I don't think he's all that, but Des is pretty smitten.
21. Brian is 29 and from Baltimore. He's a financial advisor. I don't remember Brian.
22. Micah is a law student from Denver. He's 32 and shows up in a suit that he made.
23. Nick M. is an investment advisor from Charlotte, North Carolina. He recites a poem for Des. I think a seven-year-old wrote it for him.
24. Dan, 20, is a beverage sales director from Vegas. I wish I was from Vegas.
25. Ben is 28 and an entrepreneur from Dallas. He brings his son to meet Des. He tells Des that he is his best friend. Des later asks Ben about his son's mom. He says that two friends had a baby, and the mom is his best friend. Ben is going to give us a lot of drama this season, and for this reason, he had me at hello...or whatever his first word was.

I'm really sick of ABC letting the bachelor/ette give out so many roses before the rose ceremony because it means I have to scramble to remember the people who are given roses. That's two emotionally draining for me, ABC. Anyway, this episode seemed really short to me and pretty boring, but here's a list of the people I'm 87% sure got roses:

1. Ben (I <3 drama="" p="">2. Bryden
3. Robert
4. Zach K.
5. Zak
6. Will
7. Brooks
8. Juan Pablo
9. Brad
10. Kasey (his name will get him far)
11. James
12. Ray ( I have no idea who this is...there is no Ray on the list, yet I swear she called this person Ray)
13. Dan
14. Chris
15. Mikey
16. Brandon (Gave her his mom's AA coin...how...sweet?)

Anyway, the magician, Larry, Jonathan, knight in shining armor, suit man, and Nick R. do not get roses. There could be others, I don't know.

Then ABC showed scenes from this season. Holy hotness, Batman! Everyone cries and fights! There are sure to be some very dramatic rose ceremonies, not to mention a ton of journeys. I just can't wait to see what happens!

Men Are From Mars.

2013-04-29T09:45:00.000-04:00

Hubs is constantly asking me where things are in our apartment. It is scary how much I'm becoming like my mother: I always know exactly where everything is. So, the other night, we were having dinner. It was one of those rare nights that we were eating at the dining room table instead of in the living room, so we must have ~~had too much crap piled up on the coffee table~~ been trying to be romantic or something. Anyway, I asked Hubs if he could please get me the butter. He opened the fridge and asked, "Where is it?" I said, "On the shelf" He looked and looked and looked. Finally, he said, "Oh, here it is, but it's not opened yet." I said, "No, no, there's an opened one that's almost empty. Let's use that one. It should be on the opposite side of that shelf." Silence ensues. Finally, I decided to just go into the kitchen and get the butter myself. And when I open up the fridge, this is what I found:

Hubs had put the new container of butter back right next to the old one he'd been searching for.

Men are crazy.

A Conversation with Mom.

2013-03-27T17:51:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, I had a lovely telephone conversation with my mom. It went something like this:

Me: Yeah, that's what Dad said.

Mom: Who said?

Me: Dad. You know, my dad? Your husband?

Mom: Your baby daddy?

Me: Um, no, definitely not.

Mom: He's not your baby daddy? What are you talking about?

Me: No, mother. He's YOUR baby daddy. He's just my daddy. And why the hell are we even talking like this?

Mom: Darn it! I knew I would get it confused! I was watching Maury the other day, and it was all about proving who was whose baby daddy. I wanted to impress you by talking like today's youth.

Me: Ok, three things: Please never call my dad my baby daddy again. I shudder at the thought. Secondly, please just don't ever say "baby daddy" again. Ever. And three, Can't you just stick to Dr. Phil?

Mom: I'm not making any promises.

Bachelor: The Finale!

2013-03-13T12:01:00.001-04:00

From abc.com

Sorry that this post is late, but effing AppleTV JUST put the new episodes up! GAH!! So, now that everyone pretty much knows the woman Sean has chosen, I'll give you my re-cap.

So, Sean's family gets to meet Catherine and Lindsay in this episode, and Catherine is the first.

I think Catherine is absolutely adorable. Have I said that before? She and Sean's mom go off to talk, and Catherine was like Miss America with all of her correct answers. She and Sean's mom hug it out, and then she goes to talk to Sean's dad. Catherine tells him she's "consumed" by Sean. She also reveals that their time together is all about "laughing and eating." That's my kind of relationship!

And then Sean's dad made me cry. He told Catherine that if she's the one who's chosen, Sean's dad will be her biggest cheerleader. Catherine teared up and became emotional because of the shaky relationship she has with her dad. I just thought it was a beautiful moment...and I'm not even being a sarcastic jerk for once.

Sean said his time with Catherine and her family "made sense."

Then Lindsay gets her turn to meet Sean's family. She goes off alone with Sean's dad, and she answers the same questions posed to Catherine.

I think it's safe to say that both Catherine and Lindsay would be willing to date Sean's dad if they aren't the one who's chosen.

Then Lindsay gets all emotional with Sean's mom. She tells her that it's incredible that the journey has led her to these "amazing people." Brownie points for Lindsay! You go, girl!

After Lindsay leaves, Sean gets some alone time with his family. His mom immediately tells Sean that she's scared for him, and that if he's not absolutely sure, he should not propose to either of them. She pulls him aside so they can speak alone about everything. Sean tells her he doesn't need the added pressure. He tells her he's taking in what she says, but they've only seen each of the women for twenty minutes. His mom starts crying, and Sean handles it really great. I kind of love him. Platonically, of course (Love you, Hubs!).

He's like, "Mom, let's take a walk." And then he tells her that he's not going to do anything he's not sure of. After making his mom feel a little better, Sean bids his family farewell.

The next shot is of Sean in a muscle shirt, which I think is kind of weird. Are guys wearing these again? Do I need to invest in some for Hubs? I'm so confused.

He meets up with Lindsay. They kiss and hug, and then Sean takes her on some raft ride. They're all lovey dovey while this bored-looking dude rows the raft around for them. I hope he doesn't speak English because if he does, he probably thinks Americans are dumb.

Lindsay then asks what he thinks they'll look like when they're old. How dumb. Sean says he'll look "friggin' handsome." He says he can see Lindsay being a hot old chick. Then she giggles and tells him she loves him. They make out for a bit, and then it's magically night time and Lindsay is pouring the bubbly for them. They make out some more.

Lindsay tells the camera that she has something special to show Sean tonight and she can't wait to share it with him. Lindsay, it's not appropriate to show Sean your vagina right now, girlfriend. Put it away.

Oh, wait. It's just a lantern that you write stuff on and then send them away. I've always wanted to have one of those lanterns.

Then he meets up with Catherine, who tells him she touched an elephant yesterday. Then an elephant comes out and they get to ride on it. Catherine starts giggling and can't believe she's riding an elephant in Thailand. Before we know it, Sean is basically riding Catherine whilst riding the elephant. Catherine is too obsessed with being on an elephant to notice Sean's boner in back of her.

Then they're in this hun thingy on top of a hill. Catherine looks really nervous and fidgety. She admits to the camera that it's always hard for her to tell him exactly how she's feeling--what she looks their future will look like and such. I think it would be awkward to talk about that stuff when you know he's in a serious relationship with another woman.

Catherine tells Sean that she feels a lot and she's scared she's feeling it for no reason. Sean says she shouldn't be scared, but he's also fairly diplomatic, I think. Then Sean tells the camera that it melts his heart to know Catherine is opening up to him. It was adorable---he had this huge, goofy smile on his face. And then he says, "And then there's Lindsay." And that's when we all know the person Sean is going to choose. Totally obvious. Catherine says she doesn't want Sean to leave, they hug for twenty minutes, and then she tells him she loves him. He leaves, and Catherine follows him out, crying. And now I'm crying. Why the eff am I so emotional today? I need chocolate.

They basically just kiss a few times, and then they say goodbye again. Catherine says it's the most horrible goodbyes she's ever had. She's frustrated because she can't get anything out of him, and it's scary because she's out on a limb by herself again. I really, really feel for her. I felt the same way when I met my husband and realized I was falling for him.

And then Chris B. Harrison and his live audience interrupt everything and start dissecting the dates. Chris B. Harrison, please stop wasting my time. Let's cut to the proposal, shall we?

Finally, back to a topless Sean. All is right in the world. Sean has just showered and is on his balcony, contemplating his journey. He says he woke up in the morning and knows there's a woman he can't live without. Then, conveniently, Neil Lane shows up at Sean's door. How come Neil never visits me?

Sean choose a beautiful ring, then he starts to get dressed. He's very emotional. So am I, but I'm wondering if all of my emotion is from skipping lunch today. I'm starving!

Then the camera goes to the women getting ready for the big proposal. Lindsay looks beautiful in a sparkly gown. She's feeling very confident that she's the one Sean will choose. Catherine, on the other hand, is not confident at all. She's basically freaking out. She looks hot in a gold gown.

Then Chris B. Harrison is back with Lesley, Jackie, Ashlee, and Sarah. Three out of four of them think Sean chooses Lindsay. Hmm, interesting.

Back to the good stuff. Lindsay gets out of the car, telling the camera this is the best day of her life because it's the day she's getting engaged. Oh, girlfriend.

Chris sets her free to walk a long-ass way to Sean. What, is this like the final obstacle on Wipeout or something?

Finally, she gets to Sean. He says a bunch of nice stuff, but then he starts to cry and tells her it's not her. She says, "Please, just stop." Then she says, "Is it me?" YOU NEVER ASK THAT OF COURSE IT'S NOT YOU!!!!!! I'm so mad that I'm keeping that run-on. Anyway, she takes off her heels, pulls off her dress, and off she goes. Sean is still crying as he walks her our. He stops her, tells her she means a lot to him, and she gives him a dirty look before wishing him luck. Wow, he's really crying and almost hyperventilating.

In the car, Lindsay is crying and shaking her head. She feels like an idiot. And then she said, "Let's dangle everything I've ever wanted right in front of my face and then take it away. Why did he do this to me? Why?" Ok, if she "did not want to be hurt this way," she shouldn't have been on this show. Ok, this is getting annoying. Let's get to Catherine already. I mean, the girl just keeps saying she doesn't want to be alone, but she's like 23! Give me a break!

Finally, we get to the mysterious letter! It's from Catherine. I can hardly contain myself! Um, the letter is typed. Is this planned? What the heck? Oh, and just when we're about to find out what it says, we cut back to Chris B. Harrison and his stupid audience. WHO GIVES A CRAP, CHRIS??

Finally, Sean starts to read the letter, but then the voice switches over to Catherine. It's basically another love letter. I feel let down. I really wanted more drama. Oh well, at least I love Catherine and so does Sean. We're emotional again. And still hungry. At least I am.

And then he's proposing and she's crying and I'm crying and OMG, does someone have a cookie or something because this is just a little too much for me.

They ride off in the sunset, I grab a chocolate cookie, and then After the Final Rose starts.

Sean comes out and Chris B. Harrison says the best part about it is he never has to see Sean naked again. He's all happy and excited, which is awesome. He says "journey" a few hundred times, and then Lindsay comes out.

She's all sweet and cute, but she still wants to know what happened. Sean doesn't have an answer, other than he's in love with Catherine. She tells Sean that she's really happy for him and thinks the world of him. She is very gracious and very much a lady.

FINALLY, Catherine gets to come out to be with her man! WOO HOO!! I just love her smiling face. For reals!

The best part was when they played the proposal back and Sean started crying again. I wasn't really impressed with Catherine's answer after. Chris B. Harrison asked how it felt to be with a guy who cries when he watches their engagement, and she gave a weird answer. It was just...I don't know. It was weird.

Then Sean announces they will get married on ABC. Oh, and he's going on Dancing with the Stars and Des is the new Bachelorette.

I gotta admit--I actually loved this season for reasons other than being a catty biotch, and I hope Sean and Catherine are happy and in love forever. The End.

The Bachelor: The Women Tell ALL!

2013-03-05T12:56:00.003-05:00

From ABC.com

Sadly, I thought The Women Tell All would be a lot juicier than it was. Sigh. The introduction was especially boring. Apparently, Sean and Chris B. Harrison went around California to crash people's Bachelor viewing parties. Big deal.

Then the girls bashed Tierra for a good while. Basically, everything you've seen on the show each week was reiterated. I was really hoping they'd show some never-before-seen footage, but alas, it did not happen.

Tierra came out to defend herself. She sat with Chris B. Harrison, and she had this wounded look on her face. She also talked very softly, playing the victim as usual. Chris asked her if she wanted to apologize for anything that she did, but she said that she had nothing to apologize for. Robyn told her she was delusional. Selma said that she was nice to Tierra until the morning she walked past Tierra and Tierra ignored her good morning wishes. Ok, I have to defend her here. I am a MAJOR you-know-what in the morning before I have my shower and coffee, so that could just be how she is, too. Selma said that eventually everyone just gave up trying to be her friend.

Tierra and Ashlee had a discussion, too. Tierra told Ashlee she lied to her face. Ashlee got pissed and told her she took great offense at being called a liar. Tierra said, "No matter what I say, it's always wrong."

Yeah, pretty much.

Tierra thought Ashlee was too tough on her, but Lesley, who was there when the shiz hit the fan in St. Croix, said she didn't think she was too tough; she thought someone had to put Tierra in her place.

This is when I realize that Selma really likes to talk. For someone who only went mildly far into the competition, she certainly wants to put her two cents into every situation. I'm annoyed.

Tierra apologized to everyone for thinking she wasn't friendly. She said she didn't know how to handle the situation and she guesses she handled it the wrong way.

Yeah, pretty much.

Chris B. Harrison reveals that Tierra also got engaged. He asked her how it happened, and she said that she had broken up with the dude, gone on The Bachelor, and then got back together with him after the show. Gee, if that doesn't sound suspicious. He also asked her when they got engaged. She said, "No comment." WTF? Why can't she tell us? But then she ends up admitting it was in January, as if anyone cares. I will say that she is sporting one huge-ass rock on her finger now.

Chris then asked Sarah to come up and talk. They show a montage of her time on the show, and everyone gets teary. Sarah said she thought they had something else. She said that this sort of things happens in all of her relationships, and she can't help but think it's because of her arm, which just absolutely breaks my heart. I mean, who gives a crap? The woman is beautiful and sweet! She hopes the show will open her up to new relationships, and I hope it does, too.

Then Des gets her turn to chat. She confesses that she thinks she had the worst hometown date in Bachelor history, which is probably true. She says she's curious to see if her brother really was a big reason why she didn't get a rose.

Finally, Ashlee gets to say her piece. She admits that she thinks Sean acted like a frat boy with all of the other girls. When asked if she's still in love with Sean, she said she is not.

Sean came out after that. Chris wants him to talk to Ashlee, so Ashlee asks Sean what happened between them. Basically, Sean says he just didn't feel like they were best friends. That had to hurt. Ashlee also said she was bothered that Sean never came to check up on her after the show. Um, what?? "You're supposed to be a gentleman, Sean," she says. Um, yeah, Ashlee, and you're supposed to NOT be psycho, but I guess we all have our flaws.

She also accused Sean of telling her in the fantasy suite that he had absolutely no feelings for the other two women. He vehemently denied this, and they even fought it out after the cameras broke for commercial. Sean swore up and down that he never said that, and Ashlee told him he said it twice. Who do I believe? Sean. The Bachelor knows enough not to say that kind of stuff to one woman, especially when he knows he's kicking her butt to the curb the next day.

The show ended with some semi-funny bloopers, and then they did a montage of one of the producer's dogs that died, which completely depressed the crap out of me. I can't handle dying animals.

Next week's finale is THREE FREAKING HOURS LONG, but I really can't wait to see his choice. I want to say it's Catherine, but it looks like there's some sort of dramatic letter involved next week, so we shall see.

Married Conversations.

2013-03-04T15:16:00.000-05:00

Me (Singing): This is f-ing awesome.

Hubs: What's f-ing awesome?

Me: It's a song. I'm singing.

Hubs: Who sings it?

Me: Macklemore.

Hubs: Michael Moore? The fat white guy?

Me: Yes, Hubs. I'm singing a song by Michael Moore, the fat white guy. He's all the rage with the youngins these days.

This just happened.

The Bachelor: Fantasy Island.

2013-02-26T15:09:00.002-05:00

From abc.com

This week's episode took place in beautiful Thailand. Hubs has been to Thailand, but I have not. I don't think that's fair!

Anyway, this episode was pretty boring, so this post should be fairly short.

You're welcome.

When the show started, Sean went over all of the qualities he loves most about the three remaining women. Of Catherine, he said she's goofy and nearby, and that he shares something with her that he doesn't have with the others. Of Ashlee, he says they want the same future, the same marriage, the same family. And of Lindsay, he says their relationship is a spark that's grown into this massive flame.

This is one deep beefcake, America.

Anyway, Sean's first date is with Lindsay. He takes her to a seafood market. When he tells her that's where they're going, she says, "Sounds perfect!" Seriously, girlfriend? You're in Thailand and you think a seafood market sounds awesome? Wow, ok. Whatever floats your boat. On the way to the market, Ashlee says, "It's hard to look at beautiful Thailand when I have this gorgeous guy next to me." Eh, I'd Thailand over Sean any day, but then again, I'm happily married.

Sean tells the camera that Lindsay told him she'd do anything but eat bugs, so what does he do? He buys a bunch of bugs for them to eat. Lindsay eats them like a champ, which makes me hate her. Why would you eat bugs for someone? I told Hubs I'd never do that for him. He said the same. At least we're on the same page.

Sean tells Lindsay, "You're the best friend I've been looking for." Lindsay just has the dumb, glazed look on her face. For some reason, she reminds of Scrappy Doo.

I always hated Scrappy Doo.

Lindsay likes to dabble in the baby talk, and if this ain't your first rodeo on DDB, you know that I absolutely hate the baby talk. She also does this weird pouty lip thing, which is equally annoying. I just don't like her. I think she's too young for him, but whatevs, I'm not his family. I won't have to put up with this girl for the whole two months the relationship will last post-show.

Lindsay finally tells Sean she loves him. He tells her he loves hearing her saying that. I don't want to say this, you guys, but I think Sean is going to choose her. They skip gleefully into the fantasy suite together and slam the door behind them. You can all but hear the porn music playing.

The next date is with Ashlee. For the first ten minutes of the date, the viewers have to listen to Ashlee telling the camera in a hundred thousand different ways how much she loves Sean. Yawn.

For their date, she and Sean are going to a private beach, but there's a catch! In order to get to the beach, they have to swim through a scary cave. Eek! Ashlee tells the camera, "I don't do caves." Well, sister, can't say I blame you there! I'd be all, "Hey, that's great, Sean! You take the cave, I'll take the 'copter. PEACE." Then Ashlee says, "Vulnerable vulnerable vulnerable vulnerable" for the next twenty minutes. Every date she has with Sean represents "letting go" to her.

After their jaunt on the beach, they have a nice dinner on a different beach. I can't be certain, but I'm pretty sure Ashlee is drunk. Sean seems distracted, and I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that Ashlee is getting the boot. Ashlee says, "Sean is my soulmate. This man has literally broken my heart." Uh oh...

Sean gives her the fantasy suite card, Ashlee talks as if she's not about to spend the night with him, and then she says, "Of course I want to do this!"

Finally, Sean meets up with Catherine, who is just too adorable for words. They take a boat around Thailand, they jump off the boat, they snorkle, they make out...it's just a beautiful day. Catherine discloses to Sean that she's used to getting picked on, that most people tell her she's fat and she eats too much. Ummm...what?? Where the hell did that come from? And who the hell tells this teeny lass she's fat? Losers! Sean replies with, "You are smokin' hot. I'm the lucky one. Promise." Aw, that was super sweet, Sean, and I'm not even being sarcastic for once!

Catherine also chooses to enter the fantasy suite with Sean so that he can enter her.

Sean then has a pow wow with Chris B. Harrison. Sean tells him he's in love. Chris B. Harrison says, "Wow." Sean says he thinks he's ready to get down on one knee. Chris B. Harrison says, "Wow." This guy is such a good host.

Anyway, Chris B. Harrison then shows Sean the videos the three women made for him. Lindsay and Catherine make cutesie videos for Sean, but Ashlee's is very serious and she starts crying pretty hard. Sean seems to get upset and choked up. Uh, yeah, Ashlee, you are doomed.

And I'm right (finally): Lindsay gets the first rose, and Catherine gets the second. Before we find out, though, we have to wait ten minutes in between the first and second rose. It was all very awkward. After he gives the second rose to Catherine, Sean just looks scared. Ashlee is staring daggers into Sean's eyes. She finally walks off, and Sean tries to walk her out to the car. She says, "Just stay there." He follows her anyway, telling her why he chose to have her go home. She whispers, "Whatever," and then gets in the car.

Ashlee does the normal "I got dumped" speech/tears in the car. She tells the camera, "It's the ultimate reject." Um, no, Ashlee, it's the ultimate rejection, but thanks for playing. Meanwhile, Sean is sitting on a bench with his head down. Then there's this weird/psycho shot of Catherine and Lindsay standing there and staring out at Sean. It was very strange and stalkerish. I loved it.

Next week is the Women Tell All, which should be pretty juicy since Tierra will be making her return. And after that? THE THREE-HOUR FREAKING FINALE!!! I am SO happy that I no longer have to stay up till 11 to watch these marathons. At least Apple TV is good for something.

The Bachelor: Sean Tells All!

2013-02-20T10:26:00.002-05:00

From abc.com

Last night, a special episode of The Bachelor aired. In this episode, Sean supposedly "told all." Whatevs.

Chris B. Harrison wasted no time asking Sean what the heck he was thinking by dumping Des. Basically, he said he could see himself spending the rest of his life with Catherine, but he only thought he could see himself spending the rest of his life with Des.

Then Chris asked about Des's brother, who is a major douche bag. Sean said he wanted to hit the dude, but then it's revealed to us that Sean actually met Des's brother before he met with Des's parents, and they actually got along. They were laughing, Des's bro was telling Sean what a good guy he was...and then two hours later, the dude is ripping our poor ripped-ab Sean to shreds. In the end, though, Sean thinks he made the right decision.

Next on Chris's agenda? Sarah, my favorite. Sean said he knew as soon as he kissed Sarah in Canada that she wasn't the one for him. There just wasn't enough passion. Sean says he knows that Sarah is going to meet the man of her dreams and live happily ever after, which I think was really sweet (and very true!).

Next, Sean talks about Selma, who would not kiss Sean on the show because of her religious and cultural beliefs. Chris said, "There was amazing sexual tension between the two of you!" Sean agreed, but he said he also realized when they finally did kiss that she was not his future wife.

Switching gears, Chris B. Harrison brings up Lesley M., with whom Sean broke the Guinness Book of World Records for longest onscreen kiss. Sean said, "That three-minute kiss felt like thirty seconds." Then they showed a scene with Lesley that we didn't get to see. She and Sean, on one of their one-on-ones were trying to sensuously eat brownies. It was so funny! Why can't they show that crap on the show?

And finally, they talk about everyone's favorite contestant, Tierra. I miss her so much! They showed some of my favorite clips from this season starring both Tierra and her eyebrow. Sean says he feels duped by Tierra. He also said she never should have been on the show because she doesn't handle herself in that sort of environment. Well, duh, but that's why we love her.

Chris B. Harrison tells Sean that the fight Tierra had with Robyn in Montana actually lasted hours, traveled from room-to-room, and involved pretty much everyone. Jackie accused Tierra of flirting with some dude in the airport, and Tierra's all, "What's the big deal? So I flirted." I really need to see more of this fight, Chris B. Harrison. Please?

Then the boys started talking about Catherine, and how she apparently squeezed herself into the wheel of the big son machine. Sean says, "She's very flexible." Oh, really, Sean? How would you know, hmmmm?

Chris brings up that on his Montana date with Lindsay, the two of them crowd surfed. It was really stupid.

Chris B. Harrison asks if Sean is excited or nervous about the overnight dates. Of course Sean is excited. He's totally going to bone some cute girls, why wouldn't he be?

Ok, and then the show ended. I did not like this special edition of The Bachelor. I wanted more juicy gossip, more drama from the lay-deez, and I didn't get that at all. Boo, ABC. Boo.

Bachelor: The Most Dramatic Hometown Dates Episode EVER.

2013-02-19T15:26:00.002-05:00

From abc.com

You know how they'll show previews of the show, and then you're totally disappointed when it finally airs? It happens to me all the time, but not with this episode. It truly was just as good as the previews claimed it would be. EEK!

The show opens with Ashlee gushing, as usual, about how awesome Sean is: "Here I am, about to introduce the man I have fallen INTO love with to my family."Awesome grammar, Ashlee. Awesome.

Ashlee rambles on about how Sean is basically her dad. He gave Ashlee an answer and Ashlee said, "OMG, that's exactly what my dad would have said to me." Um, my dad once said he was going to kick my ass when I showed up two hours past curfew my senior year of high school. If Hubs ever said anything resembling that, I'd be hightailing outta here.

Ashlee goes on to say that Sean is the one who is going to protect her heart. Yeah, Ashlee, until he dumps you. Um, suddenly, Ashlee is seeming a little psycho to me. She basically says she's never loved anyone outside of her family before. Wait, wasn't she married at seventeen? I'm so confused.

Finally, Ashlee brings Sean to meet her parents. Sean's dad asks how things have been going, so Ashlee tells about how she "submerged everything" into the water during the polar bear plunge episode. When she came out of the water, she knew that she was committed to Sean. Wow, so ~~bizarre~~ beautiful.

Then Sean talks to both of her parents, which was really boring. But then her dad talked about the first time he met Ashlee, when she was four years old. Um, I bawled. Basically, Ashlee's dad said that as soon as he saw her, he fell in love, and he hopes the man Ashlee chooses will fill the same.

Ashlee is definitely a Stage IV clinger, but I'm still kind of cheering for her. The two make out for a bit before saying goodbye. Sean tells her she's the best, and Ashlee says that he's the best. She also said the day has been incredible, like there's "pixie dust everywhere." I don't even know what to say to that one.

The next hometown date was with Catherine in Seattle. She takes him to the fish market in Seattle, where Sean has to play catch with the dead fish. He successfully catches all of the dead fish, and then it's Catherine's turn. She drops the first one, then catches the second with one hand! Guys love girls who are good with their hands.

Then they do a bunch of fun things, and it's obvious that they have a blast together. Then Catherine brings Sean home to meet her mom, grandma, and her sisters. Her sisters pull her aside and are like, "WTF, Catherine? Is this for real or what?" Catherine gets all deer-in-the-headlights and is insulted. Then Sean talks to her sisters, who are very, very honest about Catherine. Basically, she's a slob, she's moody, and if you don't life her plans, don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Then Catherine's mom tells Sean she doesn't want her daughter to get hurt, and she doesn't want anyone to lead anyone on. Thanks, Mom!

Sean is frustrated because the day didn't go as expected. He thinks her family's skepticism is a big red flag, and he's starting to question their relationship.

Sean then flies to Missouri to meet Lindsay's family. Lindsay's dad is a two-star general, so Sean's a bit nervous. Sean says that Lindsay brings out the kid in him, and he loves her youthfulness. I'm pretty sure that means she's too young for him, but they do seem to have fun. I still hate her baby voice.

OMG, then they do this really weird role play where Lindsay is like Sean's drill sergeant and she yells and makes him do all of these weird army exercises. This was so effing stupid.

Lindsay's mom pulls Sean aside and asks if he's in love with Lindsay. He says he's not in the position to say that right now, which Lindsay's mom appreciates. Basically, by the end of their talk, Lindsay's mom is in love with Sean, as well. Hell, we all are at this point.

But is Lindsay's Army dad Team Sean? Well, he tells him he has his blessing to ask Lindsay to marry him, so I guess so. He also gives him some dog tags. He didn't put them on, though, and I was really disappointed.

Lindsay says she has so much love in her heart that she can't even handle it. She tells Sean, "I'm definitely falling in love with you." He tells her it means so much to him. They make out. Lindsay says, "I've been looking for this all my life, and to finally find it is amazing." Um, girlfriend? You're twenty-four years old. You're not old enough to say that.

Next is Des, who lives in LA. She does the run-up-and-jump move onto Sean, and then they go on an awkward hike. They go to Des' house, which is definitely not a tent. Des actually owns her own home, which is really awesome for her.

Suddenly, there's a knock on the door. Is it her brother? Is it the mail man? No, it's her boyfriend. He starts yelling at her about how they've been together for two years, blah blah blah. IT IS SO OBVIOUSLY STAGED THAT I WANT TO BARF ALL OVER.

Des says, "Now that he's here, I do have to tell you something." And then she reveals that the dude is just an actor and the whole thing is a joke.

So finally her parents and bro arrive for the big dinner. Sean talks to Des' dad, but ABC decided not to show us that. Des and her mom gush over how awesome Sean is, and then Des talks to her brother, who is a major skeptic. Des' bro takes Sean outside to talk to him about how there's obviously not a connection between Des and Sean. Sean says, "I'm crazy about your sister." Brother says, "You're crazy about a lot of girls, right?" Then he calls him a playboy and is having fun with the circumstances. Sean's all, "That's not me at all." Sean is visibly upset, and Des and Bro fight at the dinner table, but what's weird is Des is smiling the entire time. Is this all staged? I have no idea. They start talking about the weather, which is really weird. I mean, they have filet mignon in front of them. Why aren't they eating? Sean leaves before they even finish dinner, and I think it's safe to say that Des is not getting a rose tonight.

Back at the Bachelor mansion, Sean is topless and getting dressed. He's contemplating life and love and says he has "no clarity." Fear not, though, because the show is almost over for the night and he'll have his mind made up within the next ten minutes.

At the rose ceremony, Sean goes on and on about how he still doesn't know the women he's going to pick tonight. The camera goes to Lindsay, who must have done her make-up in the dark. Then the camera goes between Des and Catherine. Des asks to talk to Sean "really quick." They go outside and Des apologizes for her brother's behavior. Sean's all, "Don't worry about it."

Back inside, Sean gives Ashlee and Lindsay roses, but then leaves before giving the last rose out. He retreats to the room with all of the pictures. He stares at the photos of Catherine and Des. Chris B. Harrison follows him, and gives him this solid piece of advice: "Get this right."

Yeah, thanks, Chris. You rock.

Sean finally comes back and gives Catherine the rose. Des looks pissed...and also very pretty. Love the dress and make-up, girlfriend!!

Des cries and tells Sean she thinks he's making a huge mistake. Des says, "I always give so much and people take me for granted." Where is she going with this?

She tells him he's making a 100% mistake--not even 99.9--100% (her words, not mine). He finally walks her to the limo, he tells her he's going to miss her so much, she says, "Then don't let me go," and they hug for like five hours. Sad music is filling the air, Des says, "I want you to be happy...as long as you're happy..." and then she gets into the car and leaves.

You know what would be awesome? If one of the first girls who didn't get a rose said all of those things to the bachelor the night they were kicked off. I think I would want to go on just to be able to do that.

Oh God, and then Des says, "I don't even know what I'm going to do about my life." DES! SEAN IS NOT YOUR LIFE! Go back to your awesome house, kick your brother's ass, and move on with your life.

Oh, and accept the fact that you're probably going to be next year's Bachelorette. I'll bet on it.

Tonight there's a special "Sean tells all" episode and I cannot wait to watch it.

Next week, Sean takes his last three ladies to Thailand, where things really start to heat up. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Ashlee and Lindsay get the final two roses, and he'll send Catherine packing.

The Bachelor: The Not-So-Virgin Islands.

2013-02-13T10:23:00.002-05:00

So, this week's episode took place in beautiful St. Croix. I want to go there, please. The ladies and Sean fly in together, and they all "ooh" and "ahh" and pretend to like each other.

As the ladies are getting settled in, the first date card arrives. It's for Ashlee, who is ecstatic. Tierra is all, "Cougar! Cougar!" And the girls are like, "What?" And she says, "Well, she's 32 and still single. I hope I'm married with kids by the time I'm 32."

Yes, Tierra, and I'm sure your husband will be absolutely miserable.

On a side note, I think if you're 32 and single, it means you're SMART. Hold out for Mr. Awesome, not Mr. Oh My God I'm Thirty and Need A Man and Babies STAT.

Anyway, back to the show. Ashlee and Sean hang out on a private island. They dive off of boats, they swim, they make out. As they are lying on the beach, Sean asks about how it really is with Tierra. Ashlee says she's not polite, she's unfriendly, blah, blah, blah. Basically, she could have said a lot worse, but I think ever since Ben's season, when that Emily chick tried to tell him what a psycho kitty Courtney was, the ladies on the seasons after that like to make it known that someone in the house is a miserable biotch, but they don't like to deliver the deets.

Which is why I'm convinced the show needs a house mom to oversee things, spread gossip, and tell the bachelor what's really going on when he's not around.

Call me, ABC.

After the sun sets, Sean and Ashlee decide to eat some grub on the beach. After dinner, Ashlee gets on the chair and yells, "Hello, St. Croix!" And then Sean yells it. And then Ashlee asks, "Ready?" And Sean's all, "Huh?" And then Ashlee says, "I LOVE SEAN!"

OMG, you are so lame. She proceeds to tell Sean she loves him every two seconds.

Ashlee also reveals a big secret to Sean. She says, "I'm like crazy about you." But then she tells him that--GASP!--she was married at seventeen because she didn't get along with her mom.

Um, Ashlee? No girl gets along with her mom at seventeen, but that doesn't mean you go out and marry the first guy that you do.

Sean is cool that Ashlee is a young divorcee, and they proceed to make out.

Tierra gets the next one-on-one. Lesley's reaction? "I hate that bitch."

Word.

Tierra finds out that her date will take place downtown. She's all pouty and disappointed because it's not a "love boat date."

After meeting up with Tierra, Sean takes her shopping. Big mistake. Huge. He buys her an eternity bracelet, matching necklaces for them both, and...fig spray. I don't even know what the hell that is, but Tierra squeals with delight and says that figs are her favorite.

While they are chowing down on some Sno Cones, Sean asks Tierra if she'd do anything different if she had the chance. She's like, "Uh, no."

Well, at least she's honest.

At dinner that night, Tierra tells the camera that she feels things are off between the two of them. She says to Sean, "There was a little distant from you."

Yeah, no, that wasn't a typo. That's actually what she said. "There was a little distant from you."

And that's the first of many Tierra gems spoken in this episode. Carry on.

Sean tells her that he feels they're distant because of the drama. He tells the camera, "She's probably not nice to the other women, but I think she's here for the right reasons--for me." Yeah, whatevs, Sean. And I'm the next Heidi Klum.

Meanwhile, Catherine, Des, and Lindsay find out they have the group date this week. Sean surprises them by waking them up in the wee hours of the morning and taking their pictures.

Once again, this dude is so lucky I'm not on this show because 1. I'm not a morning person, and 2. You shouldn't even try TALKING to me before I've had my shower, let alone take my picture. That camera would have been smashed to pieces, yo.

Anyway, they go to some point on the island to watch the sunrise. They all think it's really beautiful, and then they sneak away to a treehouse in the rainforest. Sean and Des take turns swinging on a swing that's conveniently located in this rainforest, and the other girls get upset because she's basically getting all of the alone time with him. They swim in the ocean, and then Sean takes Lindsay off to be alone with her. She tells him, "I'm not going anywhere," and Sean says, "I know." Foreshadowing? Who knows, but the dude gets to at least second base with her.

After making out with Lindsay, Sean decides to give Catherine a turn. Things take a really sad turn when Catherine discloses that Sean will not be meeting her father, who lives in China. When Catherine and her sisters were little, her father attempted suicide in front of them. She says that she is still in touch with him today. Poor thing. I cannot even imagine going through something like that, especially as a kid.

Back at the villa, Tierra overhears Lesley and Ashlee talking trash about her on the balcony. Tierra does not go out to confront her. Yet.

Then we go back to the group date, and it's Des' turn to get real with Sean. Des cries when talking about her family. She says if she can find what her mom and dad have, she'll have everything in life. But I guess when you grow up living in a tent, it doesn't take much to make you happy. Good for her.

Des is pretty sure she's going to score the date rose, but Sean gives it to Lindsay instead. Des tells the camera she's "shocked."

Who cares?

Lesley gets the final one-on-one of the episode. This is basically how Lesley's conversations go: "Literally. Literally? Literally. Literally, literally." Literally, that's all she says.

Shaun discloses to the camera that he doesn't have the chemistry with Lesley that he does with the others. Funny, because Lesley keeps talking about how much chemistry they have, how good they are together, etc. Sean is unimpressed that Lesley has a hard time looking him in the eye. Lesley wants to tell him she's falling for him, and she does...kind of. The date is completely uneventful.

The next day, Tierra confronts Ashlee and tells her she knows she talked smack about her to Sean. Ashlee says, "You wanna get nitty gritty, honey? Let's get nitty gritty." She tells Tierra that she's rude and a big jerk, and Tierra says, "Men love me."

Wow, good for you. I'm sure they love you for your personality and brains, sweetheart.

Tierra also tells Ashlee that she hopes when she's 32 that she's happy with a family, not sitting around gossiping with twenty-year-olds. Ooh, that was a good one. Ashlee doesn't cry, but damn, that had to hurt!

Here are some more Tierraisms from their fight:

"My parents didn't want me to come on this show. They said, 'You have a sparkle. Do not let those girls take your sparkle away!'"

In response to Ashlee saying she makes mean faces: "I can't control my eyebrows! If I could smile twenty-four hours a day, I would, but I don't because my face would get tired."

My brain is tired.

Tierra runs out of the room and hides out in her bedroom, while Sean is contemplating life on the beach. His sister suddenly appears out of nowhere. She's wearing amazing earrings and it's hard for me to concentrate on anything else. I think they were talking about how Sean feels and stuff. Anyway, Sean wants his sis to meet Tierra, so he goes to the women's suite.

When he gets to Tierra's room, she's sobbing. I really wish I could cry with no tears like Tierra does. I think she's magical. Sean asks her what's wrong, and she says, "I have such a big heart, but I'm so scare of this whole process. I can't take it." She tells him she confronted Ashlee, that she thinks shes's out to get her and that everything Tierra does, Ashlee makes an issue.

Sean excuses himself and paces around outside for awhile. Then he looks all resolved and goes back in. He tells Tierra that he wanted her to meet his sister. Tierra fake cries and grabs him. But then Sean says, "Because I care so much about you, I think it might be best for you to go home now."

Tierra looks shocked, but everyone in America knows she got what was coming to her. You can only play the victim for so long, honey! Just look at Lindsay Lohan!

Side note: I wonder what Sean and Tierra did with their matching necklaces?

She says she's not going to say goodbye to anyone, and as the car is taking her away, she says, "I hope the girls got what they wanted!"

Um...they did.

The last we hear from Tierra is this nugget of strength and wisdom: "I told myself before I got here that nobody would take away my sparkle." Sparkle on, girlfriend, but do it on your own time. Thanks.

Sean finally tells the women that night that Tierra was sent home. Ashlee immediately starts to freak out and thinks maybe Sean thinks she's no better than Tierra.

At the rose ceremony, she's basically peeing her pants. Des gets a rose, then Catherine. OMG, only one rose left! Who will it be? Ashlee or Lesley?

Lesley gets dumped, Ashlee gets the rose. She says, "This rose to me says I can trust. This is my husband." Wait, the rose is your husband? What? Stop calling a man who isn't your husband your husband, ok, sister friend?

Lesley is tearful and says, "Rejection doesn't feel good. It sucks. It does."

These women are so eloquent, aren't they?

The show ends with Catherine absolutely freaking out. She's like, "I'm freaking out because Lesley has more in common with Sean than I do! My beliefs are shattered on what he wants."

Your beliefs are shattered because it looks like he may want you? Isn't that the point of this whole show? Where do they get these women?

Next week's episode is the hometown dates, where it looks like Sean gets into a brawl with Des' brother. Catherine's sisters question whether or not C is ready to settle down, and Sean has to face Lindsay's dad, a two-star general.

Will Sean realize who his dream girl is? Will Tierra stalk him while he's having dinner with one of the women's families? We'll all just have to wait and see next week.

The Bachelor: Montana, Canada, Tepees, Oh My!

2013-02-06T16:59:00.000-05:00

From abc.com

This week, ABC decided to change things up a bit: 1. There were no shots of Sean sweating and working out, and 2. We had TWO new episodes to enjoy! I took ten pages of notes for these episodes, so here we go.

On Monday's episode, Sean and his lady friends traveled to Montana to explore nature. It's a good thing I'm not on this show, because I totally would have been like, "Hi, where's the spa?" I am not into cold weather, rock climbing, canoeing, etc. Give me a mall to navigate any day!

The girls are all excited that they finally get to leave the mansion. I think they were feeling cheated because the other seasons usually go to go somewhere by now. I guess they haven't heard about the tough times our economy is going through right now. Cut backs are a biotch, girlfriends. Anyway, so they're on their way to Montana. They're all screaming and happy. Daniella yells, "I get to see my boyfriend!!!" Yes, Danielle, and he gets to see his ten other girlfriends, too. Perspective, please...

Lindsay gets the first one-on-one date with Sean. What does she do when she finds out? She cries, of course. Isn't that what normal people do when they find out they're going on a reality tv date? I know I do.

Luckily for Lindsay, she just so happened to be wearing a flannel shirt, which is probably why she was chosen for the date. Good planning, Lindsay. Sean is also in a flannel shirt, which means they were obviously meant for each other. Sooooo special!

Sean takes Lindsay outside, where a helicopter is waiting. Lindsay squeals and says, "Is this a helicopter??" No, you idiot. It's not a helicopter. Why would you think there would be a helicopter on The Bachelor?

Sean takes her for a picnic at Glacier National Park. Lindsay says, "I've never felt so close to someone in a little amount of time." How special. They make out for awhile, and then the camera cuts to Sean saying, "I'm hoping tonight we can go a bit deeper." Yeah, Sean. So does Lindsay. Ba dum bump.

You know why I don't really are for Lindsay? She has such a baby voice. I loathe and detest baby voices!!

Then Sean takes her to hear Sarah Darling play. Don't know who she is, but the crowd seems to enjoy her. Sean and Lindsay dance on some sort of raised wooden platform while everyone watches. Awkward, much? I was hoping for a fall, but alas. Lindsay jumps on him and they hump and smile. Lindsay tells the camera, "He's very good looking on the eyes." Yes, Lindsay, and you are not the brightest crayon in the box.

Next is the group date, which includes Selma, Des, Robyn, Daniella, Ashlee, Sarah, Catherine, and Lesley. The girls and Sean walk up to a meadow where they see goats, canoes, and hay. Wow, sounds like a great time. Chris B. Harrison informs them that they will compete against each other in a relay race: there's a canoe race section, bucking hay section, sawing through a log section, milking a goat section, and drinking the goat's milk section. Flannel shirts were worn by all! Oh yeah!

This section was very funny, mostly because it showed how uncoordinated everyone is. I would be the same, I know. The best was when the women were trying to milk the goats. OMG, those poor little animals. I'm pretty sure PETA is gonna be PISSED if they watch this episode. The poor goats were screaming as their nipples were being squeezed off of their bodies. It was awful.

Des was determined to win the night portion of the date, so she took one for the team and guzzled the milk down like a champ. Eew.

Lesley's team loses. She says, "Weak people piss me off. Losing pisses me off. And losing time with Sean pisses me off." Sorry, Lesley. We all forgot that you have an Olympic gold medal in log sawing. Our bad.

Even though the red team wins, the blue team is still invited to the party. Robyn is pissed that she has to share time with the losers, and she said she will lose it if one of the losers wins the date rose.

Back at the ranch, Tierra decides she needs to go and find Sean, so she dons a flannel shirt, marches her little booty over to wear everyone is, and surprises him. Psycho, much?

Basically, Tierra tells Sean that putting her on the two-on-one date is like a slap in the face. They effing kiss and then she leaves. I bet Tierra was a terrible student in high school. Just sayin'.

Meanwhile, Des pulls Sean away for some alone time, but she's immediately rebuffed by Ashlee, who says to Sean, "This is like a fairy tale to me. It's just working for me." Really, Ashlee? You boyfriend is dating 10 other women and it's working for you? Wow, that's cool.

Daniella starts to freak when she sees Catherine straddling and humping Sean while they make out. She cries to Des, and then she cries to Sean. She and Sean finally share a kiss, and D orgasms, "Oh GOD! FINALLY!" Danielle gets the date rose. Nice work, girlfriend.

The next day, Tierra and Jackie prepare for their two-on-one date with Sean. Tierra keeps saying, "I'm excited to see my husband!" then she does an obnoxious laugh. The best part, Tierra adds, is that Jackie has no idea. And then she does her obnoxious laugh a few more times.

The three go horseback riding. Unfortunately, no one gets bucked off of the horse. When Jackie is finally given alone time with Sean, she warns him about Tierra, who was supposedly flirting with some other guy.

The three share a very awkward dinner, and then Sean takes Tierra aside. Tierra tells him she has the biggest heart and she's scared. Allegedly, her boyfriend died in 2009 after he had struggled with drug problems and was in and out of rehab. If that's true, I really feel for her, but I have a hard time believing that she was telling the truth. I feel awful for saying that.

Anyway, Tierra obviously gets the rose, and Jackie gets the swift kick in the butt on the way out.

Sean takes Tierra outside to watch some fireworks. When they start, Tierra starts to freak and says, "I'm gonna cry!" Um, why? Back in the limo, Jackie actually does start crying. Hard. I'd cry, too, if that moron was chosen over me.

Things get dramatic on the night of the rose ceremony. Des tells Sean that he's unpredictable.

Suddenly, the camera pans to a dead bear on the wall. Then it moves to Tierra, who says, "Another rose ceremony...please. I want about five of these girls home."

Robyn and Lesley go out to confront Tierra, who starts yelling at them and says "pity" instead of "petty." That's cool. Little does Tierra know that Sean is walking in behind her, and he witnesses her bitch fest. Sean pulls Lesley aside and asks her what the eff is going on. Lesley gives him a vague answer, which frustrates Sean. He says that everyone is complaining about Tierra, but no one can give him specifics. It's true, though. I mean, why wouldn't you give him the deets, ladies? What are you so scared of??

Sean tells Chris B. that he is unsure and not confident. Chris is either feigning concern or trying not to yawn, I can't tell which.

Robyn is sent home at the end of this episode. She's pretty unemotional in the car, but she does cover her face in her hands and fake cries.

On last night's episode, Sean and his lovely ladies go to Canada. Yay, more outdoor crap to suffer through.

Catherine gets the one-on-one date, and Sean surprises her by driving up in a big ass snow bus. Catherine is goofy and funny. I like her, and so does Sean. They have a good time playing in the snow, and then he takes her for a horse-drawn carriage ride to an ice castle. They have an intimate dinner together, and both of them seem genuinely into each other.

Tierra, Sierra, Ashlee, Lindsay, Selma, Lesley, and Daniella are all chosen to go on the group date. Danielle is basically eating her lip when her name is announced. Seriously, at one point, it looked like she had eaten both her top and lower lips. She was pissed because she still hasn't gotten a one-on-one date, and since Des's name wasn't announced, Des will be going on her second one-on-one date.

Once again, the crew goes canoeing. Sean tells them once they've landed (or whatever it is you do when you get out of a canoe and go on land) that they will be taking the Polar Bear Plunge. In order to be successful, you must completely dunk yourself in the water. Selma says, "Hell no," but everyone else does it. They all love it. Tierra, in her glitter Mariah Carey bikini, gets a mild case of hypothermia and is taken away by the EMTs. The girls are pissed and say she's just faking once again.

The EMT asks her what day it is, and all I can think of is the scene in Clueless when Cher tells Elton to ask Ty what day it is, and when he asks her a simple math question, she says, "Something she knows!!" Yeah, that's what I yelled to the tv in that scene.

Anyway, her make-up is running all down her face and she resembles the Joker--more the Heath Ledger Joker than the Jack Nicholson one.

The next shot is of Tierra shoving a huge-ass sandwich in her face while she's hooked up to an oxygen machine and getting her feet checked out by the EMTs.

Sean comes in to see her and tells her she needs to skip the night's date and get some rest.

Tierra shows up anyway, which further pisses off the group. Sean pulls Sarah aside, who makes the mistake of showing Sean pictures of her youth. Sean gets freaked.

Out of the blue, Lesley gets the date rose, which makes Tierra even angrier. I mean, she got hypothermia for him, for crying out loud! She could re-write that annoying Bruno Mars song, for crying out loud!

After the date, Sean goes back to his place and starts freaking out about Sarah. He goes over to the ladies' room and breaks up with her. She is very upset, but I feel she handles it like a lady. She admits to the camera that she feels blindsided and embarrassed. My heart breaks for her. I REALLY hope ABC makes her the next Bachelorette--she deserves it!

On his one-on-one with Des, Sean tells her they will be rappelling down a mountain to get dinner. Yeah, I'd skip dinner if I were on that date. I'd be totally fine with that. Anyway, I am so freaking sick of all of these damn action-adventure dates. I mean, is this Fear Factor or is this The Bachelor?

Anyway, Des freaks out and then miraculously recovers. They make it down the mountain (surprise!) and have a nice dinner. Des gives some weird rappelling metaphor about dating, which is sooooo Bachelor 14. Yawn.

They end their night with drinks in a tepee. Des tells Sean that she lived in a tent off and on while she was growing up. What a coincidence! Sean is wearing a homeless man's sweater! He gives her the rose and they make out some more. Des says, "I opened up about the part of my life I spent living in a tent, and here I am falling in love in a tepee!" Wow, best line ever.

Rose Ceremony Night, and Selma decides to kiss Sean, even though she knows it will upset her mama. Lindsay refuses to kiss Sean, but then they realize they have nothing to talk about, so they start making out. I really don't enjoy her. Sean says, "Tell me something I don't know about you." She says, "I sleep naked." Keep it classy, girlfriend. You go.

Ashlee tells Sean that she feels like she needs to control everything. For whatever bizarre reason, she makes Sean blindfold her so that she can prove to him that she trusts him. He walks her around, but then he picks her up and just carries her. They kiss and she says she's falling for him. How dumb was that?

At the rose ceremony, all but Selma and Daniella are given roses. Selma's all, "Whatevs! Heartbreak and memories are what I have!" and Danielle is crying another river.

On next week's episode, the gang heads to the Virgin Islands. Let's hope everyone's up-to-date on their bikini wax appointments!!

A Post that is Far Too Long and Rambling about The Bachelor.

2013-02-05T05:18:00.002-05:00

From Abc.com

Last week's episode of The Bachelor was filled with lots and lots of drama. I loved it. Sean, of course, started the show by being practically naked. I'm so glad ABC likes to change things up every week. Oh, wait.

Selma gets the first one-on-one date. She quickly skips off (literally) to get ready for the date, while the other girls are all depressed and sullen because they weren't chosen. Big deal, ladies. Leslie starts crying to the camera, which makes me not like her. When Sean picked up Selma, the other girls were really fake and biotchy. I love it.

Selma is told that she will be "turning up the heat" with Sean. She says, "Can you handle all 110 pounds of this?" Bitch, we know you're scrawny, ok? Stop rubbing it in our faces. They take off on a private plane. Selma is like all over Sean. This is the first time that they've really spent any time together. I don't like her Girlfriend, you need to pace yourself.

So, Sean and Selma go out to the desert. Selma tells the camera at least seventy times that she doesn't do well with the heat. She is also "petrified." No, sweetie, that's just your rock-hard fake boobs, which must account for at least ten of those 100 pounds.

She says, "I feel puffy." WHAT?

Sean and Selma don some harnesses and begin to climb a huge ass rock. If I were on this date, I'd be like, "Yeah, I'll just watch from the air-conditioned camera truck while you climb. Who brought the potato chips, ya'll??"

Anyway, Selma tells the camera that Sean gave her the adrenaline and courage to do this. She ends up kicking his butt. For a self-proclaimed non-athlete who is scared of heights, she does a pretty freaking amazing job. I'm really unconvinced that she's actually telling the truth. Whatevs.

After climbing the rock, Sean and Selma get cleaned up and have dinner. This is when I realize that Selma is really freaking beautiful. I don't care for her personality at all (especially her squeaky baby voice), but I wouldn't mind looking like her.

Selma tells the camera that her ultra-conservative family will be really, really upset with her if she kisses Sean on national television. This makes me really respect her ten times more, actually. But seriously, is this fair to Sean? I'm not sure how well this is going to go over, but I give them both props for not getting all kissy-kissy. He gives her the date rose, she does more baby talk, and I throw up a little in my mouth. Sean says he's crazy about Selma, and that he could see her being the one. Then a really cheesy song starts playing, Selma keeps doing the goo-ga-ga, and then the camera gives us a close-up of a tin full of marshmallows by the fire. I don't know what the eff that was about, but now I'm craving S'mores. Thanks, ABC.

Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, Ashley, Sarah, and Tierra are off on a group date with Sean. This group date involves playing roller derby. Before they meet up with Sean, though, they are in the limo, wondering what the eff they're going to do. They're also drinking mimosas, which is probably a mistake. Maybe the person who pukes last wins? We shall see.

My poor sweet Sarah is crying because she keeps falling. She tells the camera that her body doesn't work like other people, that her balance is not as good as others. I don't think it's fair to make her go out there, but she really feels like she needs to do it. Ashlee, who is a total sweetheart, tells her she needs to do it. I think those two are my faves.

She gets up and goes out there! I'm proud of her.

Meanwhile, Amanda was being all cocky and telling everyone she's done this before. This was before she wiped out and hurt her chin on the ground. The paramedic tells her it could be a fractured jaw, so the next half of her date is spent at the hospital. She tells Sean that she'll be back.

Because of the danger involved with roller derby, Sean calls off the game and says they're just going to do a free skate. "Foolish Love" starts playing, and they all smile and roller skate around like professionals. Um, excuse me, ABC? 1984 called. They want their date back.

After, Sean and the ladies get all gussied up to party. Where are they partying? On a rooftop, of course! Where else?

Amanda is back from the hospital, so Sean takes her away from the other ladies in order to see how she's doing. Her chin looks absolutely fine.

Next, Robyn leaves Tierra out of the conversation and Tierra explodes. She trusts no one even in the house, even though Sarah and Ashlee reach out to her and try to comfort her. She asks one of the producers if she can leave. She says, "I cannot take it. I'm breaking down inside, and I can't be tortured like this." She finally finds Sean, who is getting busy with some girl whose name escapes me. She and Sean were supposed to get into their swimmies and go in the hot tub. The poor girl comes out in a bikini, Sean gets pulled away by Tierra, and the poor girl has to go up in her bathing suit Sean-less. Tierra says she's "so sensitive and so emotional." Wow, that's funny. She doesn't tell Sean how the girls have pissed her off; she simply says it's because she can't start thinking about him with the other women. Oh, wow, and just like that, she's all smiley and giggling. Sean gets up to go get the date rose to Tierra, and she looks at the camera and smiles a really wicked smile--the same smile I once saw on my five-year-old niece when she realized she pulled the wool over her parents' eyes. When he goes back to get the rose, the girls are shocked. So Sean gives Tierra the rose, they make out, and Tierra is suddenly not leaving.

Back at the house, Leslie H. is preparing for her one-on-one date by wearing the diamond earrings that appear for her. She and Sean go on a Pretty Woman date, apparently. He picks her up in a silver sports car, and then takes her shopping on Rodeo Drive. Leslie H., you're my new hero. They go in Badgley Mishka, and Sean has to watch Leslie model all of these different dresses. Sean is in a tuxedo. He looks awesome. So does Leslie, who gets to borrow a Neil Lane necklace for their date.

After getting all spiffed up, they go to a romantic dinner in some sort of weird, abandoned building. Leslie is beautiful, but she makes a lot of bizarre noises. She and Sean look really, really awkward. Maybe they're both nervous, but I just don't think the chemistry is there. I must be psychic because Sean totally reveals to the camera that the connection just isn't there. Here comes the really awkward part: Sean holds up the rose to Leslie, but then tells her it's not clicking with her. Leslie looks crestfallen. They walk out to the car, and Leslie says, "You really didn't feel any romance at all?" Sean's all, "No." Leslie tells him she knows he's here for the right reasons, but some of the women who already have roses are not. Sean says, "Thank you." She gives him back the necklace, and some dude who was supposed to sing to them starts to play Sade to Sean while he looks out on the abandoned building holding the rose he didn't give. Awkward, much? It was also kind of hysterical. The scene ends when he drops the rose to the floor, the petals breaking away from the stem.

This post is really boring me. I'm sorry. I'm just not into the show today, I guess.

The best line of the night? After Leslie leaves, Sarah says, "You can definitely sense there are less girls in the room." Oh, goodness, Sarah. You're making it hard for me to keep you as my favorite. Stop that.

Finally! Rose Ceremony night. Robyn gives him a really funny and cheesy line, and then they kiss. It was kind of awkward.

Tierra complains to Amanda that Robyn attacked her on the group date. Um, no, she didn't. She then pulls Robyn and Jackie aside to "confront" them. So she apologizes to them (what the eff did Jackie do?). They accept her apology, but Teirra tells the camera it was all fake.

She then tells Sean that she is not a "drama starter," because she's not drama. She hates drama. She said for some reason, the other girls are focusing on her. She says she's afraid that the girls are going to influence Sean about the type of person Tierra is. Sean says he can read Tierra and knows she's here for the right reasons. Wow, she may be hot, but boy is she dumb. And I guess so is Sean.

Catherine, Tierra, Desiree, Selma, Lindsay, Lesley, Robyn, Ashlee, Sarah, Jackie, and Daniella all get roses, which means Amanda, Roller Derby Queen, is sent home. At least she didn't cry. Oh, wait. Spoke too soon.

This week's episode is a two-parter, so I'll just be doing one post for that one. The first part is not yet available on iTunes, but I'll be watching just as soon as I can.

Sorry for the Delay! My Very Late Bachelor Post.

2013-02-01T07:36:00.001-05:00

From abc.com

Dear friends,

I suck.

Love,
DDB.

Once again, time has gotten away from me. These past few weeks have been quite busy, so I apologize for the delay. This Bachelor recap is actually from the third episode of the season, which aired almost two weeks ago. Oops. I will recap last Monday's episode on Monday. And maybe next week I'll even get around to posting non-Bachelor things, but I'm not going to promise anything.

This episode started out just like the others: Sean, sans shirt, working out...again. These producers are really slacking, aren't they?

After the sweaty intro, Chris B. Harrison pays a visit to the house and hands off the first date card. It looks like Lesley M. is going to be the first one-on-one date for this episode! Congratulations, Lesley! Let's see what she's won...

Sean asks Lesley M. what she thinks they're going to do. She's like, "Go on a trip?" Not so fast, Lesley. The producers don't waste money on a trip this early in the game. Nice try.

Of the date, Lesley M. says she's excited because this could really "take the relationship to the next level" (you know, the "relationship" they've managed to develop over two whole episodes). This comment alone makes me dislike Lesley M.

So, instead of Sean taking her to some exotic locale, he takes her to the Guinness Book of World Records Museum. This does not sound like fun to me, unless I pre-gamed with my girlfriends ahead of time and got nice and saucy before meeting for said date. But, as the say goes, to each her own.

We quickly find out, though, that the reason Sean decided to bring Lesley M. to the museum is because his dad is a record holder for driving around the States in the least amount of time. Wow.

When the couple walks outside, who should appear but a large crowd with Chris B. Harrison in the middle! Who saw that coming?? Me, since I saw this in last episode's preview.

Chris informs the duo that they will be trying to break the record for longest on-screen kiss. Their lips must touch for a whole three minutes and sixteen seconds.

Thankfully, the editors did a fairly good job of breaking this up for us, so long story short, they win. Woo.

Of the new record, Lesley M. says, "This is the coolest thing I can imagine." Wow, L. That's really sad.

The most exciting part of this segment was wondering if there was going to be a wardrobe malfunction with Lesley M.'s short-ass dress.

I also liked when Chris tells the audience, "He's starting to cop a feel now!" Um, I always thought that meant to grab someone's booty or chest area, no? There was none of that that I could see, unfortunately. That could have really spiced things up a bit.

Sean tells the camera, "This was all about a very romantic moment." Really, Sean? Just having your lips on someone else's for three minutes in order to break a record was your idea of a romantic moment? Oy.

Then Sean takes her to a rooftop, naturally, since this is where all Bachelor dates occur. Lesley M. tells Sean he makes her nervous. Um, girlfriend, you're surrounded by bottles of wine. Drink up.

They make out for awhile, and Lesley M. says, "I'm falling in love with him. He's perfect." You are not, you idiot.

Back at the mansion, Kacie B., Robin, Leslie H., Kristy, Katherine, Taryn, Desiree, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniella, Jackie, and Tierra find out they will be going on the group date, which will take place on a beach.

Naturally, all of the women show up in bikinis, since ABC does not cast any woman who weighs more than 100 pounds. They found out they will be competing for the chance to spend more time with Sean by playing volleyball against each other. They are divided into two teams, and then they all try to play volleyball, which is my very favorite part of the episode...

...mostly because it showed a lot of the women eating some sand when they fell down.

I'm sorry, it was funny.

One of the women comments, "This is the most important game of my life." That would be because she doesn't have one, obviously.

When Kristy's team loses, Kristy starts sobbing about how she needs alone time with Sean. Leslie starts to cry, too. I start to weep because I cannot believe how this show portrays women.

The winning team gets to spend extra time with Sean. Lindsay is the first to go off with him, and the two make out.

Desiree then gets some alone time with Sean, who tells her that he loves how confident she is.

After Desiree, Amanda spends some time with him. Desiree overhears their conversation, and it's completely obvious how jealous she is. She starts trashing Amanda to the other girls, saying how different she acts around Sean. Really, Desiree? So you're telling me you would still be this catty if Sean were around? That's what I thought.

Desiree proceeds to call Amanda "dark and creepy."

Kacie B. tells the camera that this is her chance to win Sean's favor, so she goes off to tattle on the two women. Sean asks, "Why are you saying something to me?"

This was followed by a long and uncomfortable silence.

Unless you were in my living room, and then you would have heard me cackling because Kacie B. just got owned!

Kacie mumbles something about how she's having a hard time being herself because she's so focused on that. Wow, dumb move...Sean total sees through her.

He says,"Act like Kacie, not like this crazy person before me."

After all of that, Sean gives Lindsay the date rose.

Kacie starts crying to the camera: "I'm not supposed to cry this early."

Oh, girlfriend. No, you're not, but thank you for bringing more drama to the table.

The next day (or however it works in Bachelor Land), Ashlee is preparing for her one-on-one date with Sean, when there's suddenly an awful noise coming from the other room.

Oh, no! It appears Tierra has fallen down the stairs!

The girls feign concern while trying to cover up their smiles.

Sean comes in and pays lots of attention to Tierra, which makes the girls resent her even more.

Ashlee says it's obvious that Tierra is just playing a game, especially when she refuses to go to the hospital with the EMTs that arrive.

Finally, after Sean is convinced that Tierra is ok, he and Ashlee go on their date.

Where do they go?

SIX FLAGS MAGIC MOUNTAIN, WHICH HAS BEEN CLOSED TO THE PUBLIC JUST FOR THEM!!!!!

How pissed would you be if you traveled all the way there to visit the park that day? It's like National Lampoon's Vacation.

Sean also tells Ashlee that they won't be alone. She looks a little miffed until she discovers it's because two girls with chronic illnesses are going to be joining them. Brianna and Emily are big fans of the show. They are also good friends, but this is the first time they have met in person. Later on, Emily declared, "This is the best day of my life."

You guys? I was a mess throughout this entire segment. I was so happy and crying and laughing because the girls just looked like they had an absolute blast. And then Ashlee was crying to the camera, which made me love her.

The girls also got to dance around to the Eli Young Band. Brianna said, "I've never been to a concert!" DDB said, "I cannot take all of this cuteness. Someone please change the channel." Hubs said, "GLADLY!" DDB said, "If you do, you'd better sleep with one eye open."

After they say goodbye to the girls, Ashlee discloses to Sean that she was adopted by a pastor and his family when she was six years old. Before that, she was abused by one of her foster families.

Sean starts to tear up. You guys? I think I'm falling in love with this guy!

They dance, Sean gives her the date rose, and their date comes to a close.

On rose ceremony night, the ladies are all fighting over winning some one-on-one time with Sean. But first, Sean pulls Sarah aside to surprise her with a very special visitor: her dog!! It was really adorable.

Next, Kacie B. apologizes for being a tattletale, but Sean seems unimpressed. After they all gather for the rose ceremony, Sean pulls Kacie B. aside and tells her they're better off just being friends. He must really resent her, because she leaves in a car and not a limo. That's way harsh, Sean. I love it.

In the end, Kristy and some other lady go home. They both cry to the camera, naturally.

These ladies are safe for another week: Ashlee, Lesley M., Lindsay, Tierra, Lesley H., Katherine, Daniella, Robin, Selma, Sarah, Jackie, Amanda, and Desiree.

Next week's episode looks totally dumb, but I'm sure it'll end with THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER.

Enjoy your weekend!

Bachelor: Helicopters, Booze, Kisses, Oh My!

2013-01-15T06:00:00.000-05:00

From ABC.com

If it weren't for this blog, I totally would have chosen to watch The Carrie Diaries last night. Alas, I now have to hope I can catch it online somewhere. Waaah.

Last night's episode of The Bachelor once again opened with Sean exercising without his shirt on. It's like ABC is trying to shove that six pack down our throats or something.

Thank you, ABC. Thank you.

Chris B. Harrison drops off the first date card. Hooray! It goes to Sarah, my fave! Sarah has scored the first one-on-one date with the Seanster.

ABC must have had a really great 2012, because they busted out the helicopter in the SECOND EPISODE. It usually takes at least three episodes for that to happen. Nice work, ABC.

So, Sarah and Sean are helicoptered into the city. They are on top of a huge skyscraper, which is when Sean tells Sarah that she'll get to have a drink with him after they free-fall off the side of the skyscraper.

Wow, is there a million dollars attached to that drink, Sean? Because my ass would be taking the elevator.

But I am not Sarah, and so she very calmly sits on the edge of the building whilst I hyperventilate for her. Seriously, did someone switch that girl's Tic Tacs with Xanax? She was so emotionless. "Oh, wow. This is crazy. I'm so scared," she said in a completely monotone voice.

So, they jump. They make it (Do you guys like how I didn't add "unfortunately" after that? I'm growing). They get the drink, and then they talk. Sarah and Sean make out, and Sean gives Sarah the rose. Sarah tells the camera she's falling in love with Sean.

Oh, Sarah. I am so disappointed in you right now. It is far, far too early to be dropping the "L" word, girlfriend.

Back at the house, the ladies get the next date card, which is a group date. Thirteen women will be spending the day with Sean on a Harlequin Romance photo shoot. Kristy, the model, is ecstatic!! She can't wait to shove it down everyone's mouths that she is a model. And guess what? SHE SUCCEEDS!

Then Sean tells the ladies that they are going to enjoy a pool party with him. I get excited because on this show, a pool party = alcohol = drama = happy viewers.

Guess what, you guys?

THERE WAS NO POOL PARTY!! What the hell?! All they did was sit around and take turns making out with Sean, especially Lesley. She gets a good piece of the guy, and Tierra is all pouty and upset that there are actually other girls on the show who are competing. THE HORROR!

Kacie B. and Sean have some alone time so that they can talk about why Kacie's here. Kacie tells Sean she has feelings for him, and Sean says that he considered her to be a good friend and is now trying to switch to this role. He convinces her that he has by giving her the date rose. UGH. At least another week of hearing that annoying cackle that gave me nightmares during Ben's season. Tierra is so pissed that Kacie got the rose that she says, "I could just smack her." I mentally willed Tierra to do just that, but alas: this episode was taped months ago. Sad face.

Katie, who's hair resembled something out of a vampire porno, starts to wonder if this is really her scene. She decides it's not, so she tells Sean that she's out. He's all, "Ohhowsadletmewalkyouout," and then practically shoves her into the limo that's conveniently waiting for her.

Sean's second one-on-one date is with Desiree. Sean takes Des to this weird art show. Little does she know that Sean and Chris have conspired to pull a nasty prank on Des. They leave her alone with a 1.5 million dollar piece of art, which promptly crashes to the floor and shatters into a zillion pieces. The artist comes in and yells at her. Des just stands there and giggles. Sean finally comes to her rescue and confesses that it was all a prank. They have a good laugh and head back to his place for some steak and potatoes. So romantic.

After several bottles of wine, Sean and Des decide to do a little crunk swimming. Sean tells her what an amazing girl she is, and Des, with her drunk eyes half-closed, says, "Mmm" about fifty billion times. He gives her the rose, and then they rub up against each other in the pool.

Finally, the rose ceremony night! Sean promises to spend a lot of time with the girls he didn't get to spend any time with, so first up is Lindsay, the one who wore a wedding gown. She does a lot of giggling, and Sean decides she's a pretty cool chick.

Meanwhile, the ladies inside are talking about how in love they are with the same man. Des asks Amanda how she's doing, but Amanda turns her head and ignores everyone. They think she's being a biotch, but honestly? I think she was just really pissed that she had decided to take her dreds out right before last night's episode. Did you see that rat's nest? Seriously, ladies. Let's get the hair under control, ok, girlfriends?

Once Amanda pulls out the cup of coffee and then the pint glass full of water, I realize she just has to go. I mean, is water even allowed for anything other than showering in the Bachelor house??

Ashlee, Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Lesley M., Selma, Catherine, Kristy, Leslie H., Tierra, Taryn, Daniella, and Amanda all receive roses.

The lady with two kids, the community organizer, and someone else are all sent packing.

Next week, the bullying gets real and it looks like Tierra has to go to the hospital. It pretty much guaranteers will have THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVEEEEEEERRRRRRR!!!!

The Bachelor is Back!

2013-01-14T15:41:00.001-05:00

From ABC.com

Note: I apologize for not having this post up sooner, but I was traveling to the States last week! I finally made time to watch the first episode of the season so that I'd be prepared to watch this week's! If you're on Twitter, be sure to follow me tonight as I live-Tweet the show starting at 8 pm EST! It's good to be home!

This season of The Bachelor is going to be one of the best. Do you know how I know? Because we finally have a hot bachelor (I still have nightmares about Ben!), and the girls are extra catty. That's a recipe for success in my book, folks. Let's not waste any time, shall we?

The Bachelor opens with an introduction to our new bachelor, Sean Lowe. Basically, the first twenty minutes showed Sean watching his own muscles flex as he worked out. Whilst flexing and sweating for the camera, Sean talked about how heartbroken he was after being dumped by Emily Maynard. He said he was humbled to be the newest star of the nineteenth (WOW!) season of the show. And then Ari, the runner-up from Emily's season, came over to have some beers and give Sean some advice. They went over how Sean should break up with someone, and how to kiss like a rock star. This part of the show always bores me because I'm so eager to meet the crazies. And meet them, I did!

Here are the women of Sean's season, in no particular order:

1. Desiree is 26 and living in Los Angeles, where she works at a bridal boutique. She tells Sean that when she gets married, she hopes to design her own wedding dress. That's great, Desiree, but you're boring.

2. Tierra is a 24-year-old leasing consultant (a fancy name for a person who rents apartments? IDK), who lives in Denver. She says a hundred different times that she is very family-oriented. She also has an open heart tattooed on the ring finger of her left hand. When she meets Sean, she tells him that maybe he can fill it for her. I'm pretty sure when she said that, she was no longer talking about her heart. This turns Sean on immediately, and he runs in to ask Daddy Chris B. Harrison if he can bend the rules and give this hottie a rose. Chris complies, and Sean skips out to give the first rose of the season away. Tierra is beside herself with happiness. I heart Tierra and hope she'll stay on for many episodes. Why? Because the other girls hate her. Drama! Yippee!

3. Robin is 24 and an oilfield account manager from Houston. Poor thing likes to do flips, which is what she does when she gets out of the limo to meet Sean...and then she botches a flip and falls over right in front of him. How embarrassing. I love it.

4. Diana is a 31-year-old salon owner from Salt Lake City, Utah. Diana is a divorced mom of two beautiful girls. Diana is also boring on this episode.

5. Sarah, an advertising designer from L.A., is twenty-six years old. Sarah is absolutely lovely, but she sometimes believes she doesn't deserve to have a good relationship. This made me really sad (I actually cried real tears). Sarah doesn't think she's good enough because she was born without one arm. Big deal, girlfriend! If a guy can't get over that, he doesn't deserve you! This automatically endeared Sarah to me, which is why she's my favorite.

6. Ashley, twenty-eight, is a hair stylist from Michigan. Ashley is obsessed with Fifty Shades of Grey so much so that she whips a silk tie out from between her ta-tas and gives it to Sean. In her little introduction, she is shown reading the book in bed and laughing manically. At one point, she even moaned, "Oh, spank me." Perhaps Ashley will find a home in the soft porn industry after this show.

7. Lesley M. is a twenty-five-year-old political consultant living in D.C. Originally from Arkansas, Lesley likes to think of herself as a modern southern belle. Lesley is filmed shouting Sean's name at the top of her lungs by the Lincoln Memorial. I really wish I had been there the day they filmed that. Sigh.

8. Kristy is also twenty-five. She is a Ford model from Wisconsin. Kristy says she knows that girls will be jealous of her, because that's just the way girls are. She must have been really disappointed when she discovered she was not the prettiest girl in the mansion. Poor thing.

9. Ashlee F. is 32 and lives in Houston. Her profession? A PROFESSIONAL ORGANIZER!!! I want to know how much this woman gets paid. I also want to know if she'd like to be my new BFF and organize my life for me. Ashlee was crying in her interview because she had a rough start to life. She was in an out of foster homes until she was six, but then she was adopted by a nice family, which makes me feel better because I was seriously on the brink of crying for the second time, which has never happened during an episode of this stink-ass show before.

10. Jackie is a make-up consultant from Florida. This twenty-five-year-old really left her mark on Sean--literally! She put on lipstick and kissed his cheek. Jackie, get with the times. That's so Bachelor 2004. We've now moved on from dry humping the guy's leg on the first night, ok?

11. Selma, a 29-year-old real estate developer from San Diego, comes out of the limo right after Jackie. She wipes off the lipstick so the other girls won't get jealous, which makes me sad. That could've ticked some girls off enough to wage a mini-war on Jackie. That could have been fun to watch.

12. Leslie H. is a poker dealer from Los Angeles. She is twenty-nine. Do poker dealers make good money? I mean, because how hard can it be to just deal a bunch of cards to people? Maybe I should look into this a bit more.

13. Daniella is twenty-four and living in Los Angeles, where she works as a commercial casting consultant. I think these women have gone above and beyond to create unique names for their jobs. I mean, how does one become a commercial casting consultant? It reeks of "telemarketer" to me.

14. Kelly is a twenty-four-year-old cruise ship entertainer from Nashville. She serenades Sean with a song she wrote just for him. She'll regret this later. No, really, she will.

15. Katie is a twenty-seven-year-old yoga instructor from Charlotte, North Carolina. Katie is apparently completely forgettable, because that's all I know about her.

16. Taryn is a health club manager from Cali. She's 30, and therefore, the old woman of the bunch. I weep for my youth.

17. Catherine, a twenty-six-year-old graphic designer from Seattle, is cute. That's all I remember about her.

18. Lacey, 24, is a graduate student from Valencia, California. I think I fell asleep during her introduction. Yawn.

19. Paige is a Jumbotron operator from New York City!!! That sounds like a fun job! Paige is also 25 and was on last season's The Bachelor Pad. She was a newbie and peeps were pretty mean to her.

20. Amanda is a twenty-six-year-old Fit model from California. Amanda makes it to the next episode because the preview shows them all talking smack on her because she refuses to talk to them. LOVE IT!!!

21. Keriann, 29, is an entrepreneur from Florida, which means Keriann is currently unemployed in Florida. How do I know? Because I'm a freelance writer, Keriann.

22. Brooke is a twenty-five-year-old from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where she is a community organizer. Once again, another job I've never heard of.

23. Ashley (of course there are three Ashleys! It's not The Bachelor without the majority of the cast being an Ashley!) is twenty-five and a model from Denver. When she gets out of the limo, she says to Sean, "Hi, Ken. I'm Barbie." DUMB.

24. Lauren is a twenty-seven-year-old journalist from Rhode Island. She tells Sean that her family is "very Italian." They own a restaurant in Rhode Island. If I were Sean, I'd just marry this woman right now. Free Italian food made by someone else? For life? HOLLA! Lauren kind of ruins it by telling Sean that he father has threatened to break both of his legs if he breaks Lauren's heart. Nice job, Lauren. Nice job.

25. The last woman out of the limo is twenty-four-year-old Lindsay, a substitute teacher from Tennessee. Lindsay separates herself from the rest by making her seem EXTRA crazy. How? She walks out in a wedding gown. Awesome.

After Sean is introduced to all of his new lady friends, Chris B. Harrison comes out to talk to him.

BUT WAIT!!

There's a twist! Sean has a twenty-sixth contestant vying for his heart, and it's none other than Kacie B. from Ben's season. You may recall that Kasie's parents really turned Ben off to Kacie, probably because they actually seemed freaked that her daughter was potentially getting engaged to a dude she met several hours before.

As I noted earlier, Sean already gave Tierra (Such a fantastic name. I think maybe I'll name my daughter "Crown" someday) a rose, but he didn't stop there. If any of the women made an impression on Sean, he handed them a rose. This ticked me off because it was very hard to keep up with them all.

Kacie B. did not get one and was completely pouting, which makes me hate her already.

Everyone is flipping the eff out!!!!!

OMG, I just talked to him and he DIDN'T GIVE ME A ROSE!! WHY NOT ME, SEAN??? WHY??????

God, I've missed this show.

First, Lindsay the bride gets drunk and crazy. She starts slow dancing with Sean, even though there's no music playing. She keeps begging him for a kiss. It doesn't take an idiot to realize Sean is uber uncomfortable, but then again, Lindsay is completely blitzed and cannot be held accountable for her actions.

Then Ashley becomes "Fifty Shades of Drunk," according to Sean, and air humps around the room. She does a booty dance, and then she goes out to find Sean. When she sees he's ~~getting~~ busy with another girl, she doesn't fret. Instead, she just continues to air hump and booty dance in front of him. I love her so much. When she finally gets to talk to him, she pulls out the silk tie again, and he tells her he brought his rape whistle "just in case." OMG, Sean is cute and funny! Love it!

Meanwhile, over in some dark corner of the mansion, Taryn is crying because she hasn't had any one-on-one time with Sean. She says she doesn't want to fight over a guy. Here is my note to Taryn:

Sister friend,

If you are not willing to fight over a guy, please get off this show and make room for someone who will. I only go to hockey games for the fights, and I only watch The Bachelor for the drama. If you're not into making any, you can let yourself out. Thanks.

-DDB

But seriously?? What the hell did she think was going to happen on a show where twenty-five women are vying for one man's love? Give me a break!

Ok, so then the rose ceremony happens. Because Sean was giving everyone roses before the ceremony, I don't have a full list. I can tell you, however, that the Barbie girl commenter goes home, as does Fifty Shades of Grey (Dammit! I loved her!). Lauren and Paige are sent home, and so is Kelly. Remember how I said Kelly would regret singing that stupid song to Sean? Well, she did. When she's voted off, she tearfully tells the camera that she's really embarrassed because she sang that song.

Sean and his remaining nineteen toast to all the fun that's ahead of them. Everyone is having the best time, which we know will be short-lived.

On tonight's episode, the girls get mad at Amanda for not talking to them, and everyone hates Tierra for being a biotch. Can't wait.

My favorite is Sarah, but I'm not sure if Sean will connect with her. She seems kind of quiet, and I think Sean needs someone who is a bit more outgoing because he seems shy.

Did you guys watch? Who do you think will win the coveted Final Rose?

Cruisin'.

2012-12-31T06:00:00.000-05:00

A few weeks back, Hubs and I took a cruise around Norway in search of the Northern Lights.

(You may recall that I had discovered just days before we left that the ship we were taking was also sometimes responsible for transporting dead bodies. This was also the post where I mistakenly told everyone that werewolves can only be killed using a wooden stake. Thanks to John (click on his name to read his awesome blog), my Twitter buddy, I stand corrected. It seems you can only kill vampires with wooden stakes. It's all coming back to me now: don't you need a silver bullet to kill a werewolf, John? I just wanted you all to be aware of this clarification in case you are confronted by a sparkly Robert Pattinson or Teen Wolf. Safety first, my friends).

Yes, we saw the lights. Yes, they were absolutely amazing and breathtaking. Yes, I know how lucky I am that I get to experience all of this kick-butt stuff, and in real life, I am not nearly as annoying and snarky as I am on my blog.

Ok, maybe I am.

What we encountered on the ship was so much scarier than zombies, a pale-looking Tom Cruise, and Michael J. Fox riding on the roof of a van COMBINED.

What we encountered, dear readers, were OLD PEOPLE.

Now, before this trip, I loved old people, and for the most part, I still do. I have lovely grandparents who are awesome. One of my best friends is well into her seventies, and I love and respect her so much.

But these old people? Terrifying.

First, they were all Americans. I was excited because I figured I'd finally know what someone was saying to me, which is a huge plus. When I first saw them, I said to Hubs, "Yay!! We can sit around with cups of hot cocoa and they can tell us about the good ole days while we all wear matching Norwegian sweaters!" Hubs was not sharing my vision on this, but I figured he'd come around when these Angela Lansburys and Andy Griffith-types worked their old people magic.

Let's talk about that magic, shall we?

I guess I should have realized what we were in for on that first night. I was in the sitting area where they had free wi-fi. One of the older gentlemen, I'd guess he was in his eighties, came up behind me to read a paper that was on a table.

And then the old man passed some serious gas for what seemed like five minutes. At first, I thought it was the ship's motor, but when I turned around, I was hit directly in the face with a smell so deadly that the poinsettias that were arranged so nicely around the room immediately wilted. I'll give him credit, though: he just kept going and going and going (like the Energizer Bunny, only smellier). He seemed completely unfazed that he was floating a serious air biscuit. I know that sometimes these things slip and we can't help it, and I also know that this happens to us even more regularly the older we get, so I wasn't completely horrified. I feel like babies and old people have a permanent gas pass, and if they don't, they should.

Before I moved up to teach high school, I taught middle school English for three years. Looking back, it was a blast, but those middle schoolers certainly had their moments. They were whiny, snarky, back-stabby dweebs when they wanted to be.

Guess what? This bunch of oldies reminded me of middle school kids. I saw couples taking verbal swipes at each other whenever they could, I heard old ladies talking about another old lady behind her back, and I was the unfortunate victim of the Seafood Buffet Incident?

What's that, you ask?

Well, you see, the cruise ship had an entire dinner devoted solely to seafood: there were shrimp, lobster, crab, caviar, oysters, clams, etc. all nicely displayed on this round counter. Dinner started promptly at seven, so Hubs and I walked over to the dining room just as the doors entered.

And that's the first time we were stampeded by the old folks.

Never in my life have I seen older adults move so quickly. The woman I witnessed just hours before struggling to make it down the stairs was now practically doing laps around the seafood buffet. These people were MOTIVATED.

Hubs somehow managed to get a plate of food, but I was forcibly pushed out of line several times by a couple of old guys. They were really elbowing into each other in order to secure their spot in front of the lobster and crab.

Finally, I gave up and just picked up some cheese and crackers to munch on.

That dinner really left a sour taste in my mouth (I'm punny!), but the oldies did redeem themselves on the last night of the trip when they all got completely sloshed on martinis and were singing "New York, New York" at the top of their lungs in the bar.

I think I even saw a few of the women doing the can-can.

PS: I hope everyone has a wonderful and safe New Year's Eve tonight. Please be responsible and don't drink and drive. May 2013 be your best year yet! Xoxo.

Moment of Silence.

2012-12-21T03:22:00.000-05:00

Like everyone else, I cannot wrap my head around the devastating tragedy that took place a week ago today at Sandy Hook Elementary. Please take a moment today to honor those precious children and their dedicated teachers who lost their lives last week. We have some work to do, U.S.

Hug those you love extra close today.

Married Conversation.

2012-12-20T12:19:00.000-05:00

Walking to the car yesterday afternoon...

Hubs: Blah, blah, blah...I'm a history buff.

Me: Excuse me? You're a what?

Hubs: A history buff.

Me: Oh, really? Since when?

Hubs: What are you talking about? You've known this from the very beginning.

Me: Yeah, no. You see, history buffs actually read books about history. You read books about dead baseball players.

Hubs: THERE IS A LOT OF HISTORY IN DEAD BASEBALL PLAYERS' BOOKS!

Me: Yes, and silly me to forget that you watch the History Channel ALL THE TIME.

Hubs: Actually, I do. Pawn Stars is on the History Channel.

Me: You are totally winning this debate...you know that?

Hubs: Shut up.

Several minutes later...

Me: Hey, Hubs! I'm an exercise buff! You know how you can tell?

Hubs: (eye roll): How?

Me: I have three pairs of yoga pants hanging in my closet!

And then we both looked at each other and exploded into giggles.

I love being married.

Today's Deep Thought.

2012-12-06T09:00:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, we were hanging at our friends' house. There were tons of people there, mostly adults, but our friends' four-year-old was there, too. After preferring to play dolls and listen to "Who Let the Dogs Out" (her choice, not mine), I realized that I much prefer the company of children than I do most adults. This is probably because I no longer find getting drunk and stupid appealing, and since that's what pretty much everyone else was doing, I found I was the only other sober person there. We were coloring Disney princesses on the floor (I was Cinderella, she was Princess Aurora), when she asked if I wanted to play in her room. "I can't," I said with disdain. "My husband is making me leave in a few minutes." After seeking Hubs' permission and getting the ok, I took Princess Aurora to her room to play dolls, school, and Baha Men Dance Party 2012.

After a little while, Hubs came to tell me it was time to go. On the drive home, I realized I had pretty much avoided having any semblance of an intelligent, adult conversation. I didn't have to laugh at non-funny jokes, nor did I have to pretend I liked every single person at the party. I went to bed with a smile on my face.

Best. Night. Ever.

On Zombies.

2012-12-05T15:07:00.002-05:00

Photo found on Stuffpoint.com

So, Hubs and I leave for Norway on Saturday. We will be spending a few days in Bergen before we set sail on our Northern Lights cruise on Monday! Sounds exciting, right?

I mean, once you get over the whole going-on-a-cruise-around-Norway-IN-DECEMBER thing.

Hubs is more excited than I've ever seen him. More excited than on our wedding day, in fact, which kind of pisses me off now that I think about it.

Note to self: Pick fight with Hubs later about being more excited to go on Norwegian cruise IN DECEMBER than to have married me.

Anyway.

We were both pretty stoked until Hubs started watching all of these different YouTube videos about the cruise. I got bored and immediately started reading a book, to which Hubs took offense. "You need to be watching these videos so you know what to expect!!!"

I yawned and continued reading.

But then I heard him say, "Shit, did you just hear that?"

"What?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing." Hubs laughed nervously.

"What did they say?"

"So, how's the book?"

WHAT DID THEY SAY, HUBS? TELL ME RIGHT NOW OR I WILL NOT CUDDLE WITH YOU TONIGHT!"

So he rewinds the YouTube video and turns it up.

And that's when the hostess says, "This ship is also used to transport the dead back to shore."

It took a minute for this to sink in. At first I was all, "Oh, how interesting." And then I was all, "Wow, I would not be using that information to lure people into signing up for this cruise." And then it hit. And then this happened:

"NOOHMYGODNO!! I'M NOT GOING! I CAN'T GO! I WON'T GO! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO!"

"This is exactly why I should have kept my mouth shut," he replied.

"Why is that, Hubs? So the zombies could surprise attack me in the middle of the night? So I'd have no idea I would need to defend myself on board this ship??" I exclaimed.

"Zombies? What the hell are you talking about?" he asked.

"The undead, Hubs. They are going to hide in our rooms and make us all undead. And then we'll just be zombies floating on a ghost ship in the middle of the Arctic Circle. Now I'm going to have to go sharpen a bunch of wooden sticks into spears and pack them in my suitcase."

"First of all, you kill werewolves with wooden spears, not zombies. And secondly, you've been watching The Walking Dead again, haven't you?" he asked.

Well, dammit, he had me there, so I went to the bedroom and faked a stomach cramp...

...And started making sharp objects out of wood. Just in case.

I Would Not Like to Buy the World a Coke.

2012-11-27T07:31:00.002-05:00

After traveling this weekend on a very hot airplane with absolutely no personal space, I have decided that my money would be better spent buying the world deodorant.

Old Spice for all!

Today's Deep Thought.

2012-11-26T04:34:00.000-05:00

For the first time in years, I heard the song "I Touch Myself," by the Divinyls. Immediately, I was all, "OMG! This was my favorite song when I was 9!!"

And then I was all, "OMG, this was my favorite song when I was 9??!"

This revelation gave me pause. I mean, I distinctly remember singing this in the halls of my elementary school, and I know there was a day when I was skipping around my house yelling, "When I think about you, I touch myself!" What the hell must my parents have thought? Talk about an awkward time to be a member of our household.

Being nine, I really had no idea that the song was "bad." I just figured when you thought of a certain someone, you'd clap your hands in a cool beat, or, if you were feeling particularly saucy, maybe you'd give yourself a slap on the knee. Basically, I was doing the "Hand Jive" a la Grease whilst belting this song out in my living room as my parents and their friends looked on, horrified.

This is almost as disturbing as the dance I used to do to Cyndi Lauper's "She Bop" when I was five.

My New Life.

2012-11-19T13:39:00.001-05:00

Do you know what awesome thing I did today? I organized my lazy susan. Know what I did after? I typed up an inventory list and printed it out so that Hubs and I could keep track of what needs to be replenished.

SOMEONE NEEDS A JOB.

STAT.