Daydream Believer

Friday Favorite.

2012-02-10T05:00:00.000-05:00

I've decided not to do Tool of the Week anymore. Basically, I'm too happy to have assholes bring me down. Instead, I present you with my favorite thing of the week.

THIS.

I want to be best friends with the person who made this. Have a wonderful weekend!

My Break-Up Letter to Chipotle

2012-02-09T05:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Chipotle,

We've been courting each other for a little over a year now. When we first met, I was all about you. For the longest time, I couldn't decide if I liked your taco salad or chicken burritos better, but lately, I'm just not that into you. In fact, I kind of hate you a lot right now. I mean, but that's normal. I usually hate exes for a significant amount of time before I become indifferent, so don't take this too hard, ok?

Anyway, I'm really sick and tired of dealing with your extravagant ways. When someone says, "Light on the guac and sour cream," it doesn't mean this:

Yes, that's a teeny tiny taco with tons of guac and sour cream. And yes, that is my middle finger flipping off said taco.

This is about the fourth time this has happened. And I'd love to just ask for it on the side, but the lines at Chipotle are outta control and people get PISSED when they see you taking a long-ass time.

So, Chipotle, I'm done. I really don't know where I'll get my burrito fix now, since I no longer deal with Taco Bell, but at least I actually broke up with you. I just stopped making visits to Taco Bell.

Have a nice life, Chipotle. I'm confident that my lack of visits won't break you, but good luck nonetheless.

Peace out,

A Baffled Burrito Eater

K-Dash Wednesday: Kris Speaks. Kind of.

2012-02-08T05:00:00.000-05:00

Photo Courtesy of tmz.com

This week, Kris was quoted as saying that he couldn't wait for the truth to come out. Um, ok, Kris, then tell it. Kris decided to talk to Access Hollywood about his short-lived marriage to our favorite Kardashian, Kim. In this interview, Kris revealed nothing. This is yet another reason why I think this man is a real effing tool. I mean, if people were questioning my moral integrity the way everyone has been with Kris and Kim, you can bet your sweet ass I'd be running my mouth. Dude, if you're guilt-free, then why don't you tell us what really happened?

Help me help you, Kris. E-mail me. Let's dish. I'll tell you about my failed relationships, and you tell me about your failed marriage.

I know I'm just feeding the fire, but can we please move on from this sham of a marriage? They're stupid and now we're all being punished by having to listen to them both saying how the truth will come out and they can't wait. STOP WASTING MY TIME, KIM AND KRIS.

And by the way? I want the money back from the commemorative Kim and Kris wedding plate I bought to set next to my Will and Kate fine china. Thanks.

The Bachelor in Panama.

2012-02-07T05:00:00.000-05:00

This picture makes me throw up a little in my mouth.

Last night, Ben and his lady friends flew to Panama so that they could have The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever. Courtney took one look at the pool and was all, "I cannot wait to skinny dip with Ben in that pool." Girlfriend, that was SO last week ago. Ok? Keep your panties on for once.

And then Hubs popped popcorn for freaking ever and I couldn't hear what the eff was going on.

Kasie B. got the one-on-one date. Ben, of course, takes her on a helicopter. After all, this is The Bachelor. It's what they do. Ben said journey A LOT. Ben also admits to the camera that he is scared that he and Kacie will run out of things to talk about. Ben takes her to a deserted island, and Kacie admits that she's worried. Then they both brought out random items they packed for their adventure. I guess ABC decided to go all Survivor on their asses or something. They cracked coconuts and threw a fishing net into the ocean the wrong way. I have to admit that it was amusing to me to watch Ben drink out of a coconut because he looked like a little monkey. After they drank coconuts, they flew off on the helicopter. Um, this was a lame episode of Survivor. They didn't have any immunity challenges, nor did they have to strangle a fish to death with their bare hands. LAME.

Then they met back up for dinner, where Ben confessed he can't wait to "dive in deep tonight." WHOA, Ben. That was WAY forward of you.

Kacie admits at dinner that she had an eating disorder in high school (what a time to bring such a thing up--at dinner). Ben calls her eating disorder a "monumental moment." The girl played the eating disorder card at the right time because he said it made him like her even more, and then he handed her the rose. Next week, she'll divulge that she had a drinking problem in college. Maybe she'll do it whilst holding a glass of wine to be ironic once again.

Next we have the group date. Courtney, Casey S., Jamie, Emily, Nicki, and someone else meet Ben on a boat. Jamie is all, "The thing I love most about Ben is that he's such a manly man." Seriously? I'm more of a man than he is, girlfriend. What kind of men have you been dating??

Then the girls strip down in order to taste what some tribe does on a day-to-day basis, according to Ben. Courtney takes her bikini off so that her girl parts are hanging out. Ben shows up in a loin cloth. No one should have to see that, you guys. No one. My eyes are still burning.

Then they all start painting each other's bodies. It was all very erotic. Courtney tattooed his back with "B and C=<3" which pisses the other girls off. Then Courtney starts dancing with Ben, making sure that she moves enough for her boobs to show. I frigging hate her, but I wish I had her body. Yes, I am that vain and shallow.

Then Ben brings the ladies back for some nighttime festivities. He and Horse Girl make out for awhile.

Back at the house, Bentley and Rachel find out that they're going on the two-on-one date. Blakely's face lights up in surprise when she hears she's going on a date with Ben. Um, who did she think she was dating? Chris B. Harrison? Rachel's thongs are in a twist because she thinks she's going to lose to Bentley.

Then we go back to Ben and the other women. Ben grabs Courtney and takes her to sit with him in some weird chair. Courtney invites him to her room later. Of course she does.

Then it's Jamie's turn. She starts blabbing on and on to Ben about how nervous she is, and how one of the girls has told her that she doesn't even act like she likes him. Ben got distracted, though, because Courtney splashes in the pool in her white bikini. Seriously, Ben can't even form a sentence because of stupid Court-dog. I wish Jamie would have called him out on it. Instead, she looked awkward and he didn't kiss her. I feel sorry for her. But you know what, Jamie? Be thankful you didn't kiss him. You don't know on what body parts of Courtney's those lips have been, sister friend.

Then Emily gets her alone time. She makes an admission that there's another man in her life: the chief she met earlier in the day. Come the eff on, Emily. Please stop wasting my time. You're cute, you have a PhD...and yet you're an effing asshole. Also, I don't want to see your tongue entering Ben's mouth. Thanks.

Emily ends up apologizing to Courtney. Courtney doesn't really accept it; in fact, she tells Emily straight up that they'll never be friends and she'll never respect her. It was awesome, but unfortunately, Ben breaks up the fun in order to give Horse Girl a rose. I'm happy he didn't give it to Courtney, but he probably did that later. Wink, wink.

Rachel, Ben, and Blakely go on their two-on-one date. ABC decides to take them salsa dancing. Rachel shows up giving a shout-out to Bjork, but instead of wearing a white swan dress, hers is some sort of blue bird...a Blue Jay, perhaps? Also, Rachel, your shoes don't match your outfit. Sorry, girlfriend, but aren't you in the fashion industry?

Then Blakely gets her turn. She says she's such a better dancer than Rachel, to which Hubs replies, "That's because she's a stripper." And that's why I love you, Hubs, and you are absolutely correct. Blakely keeps on dancing with Ben, wrapping her arms and legs around him and such. Rachel tries to cut in, but Blakely won't let her. Do you guys remember the scene in Bridesmaids where the maid of honor and the bitchy, rich bridesmaid are trying to one-up each other with the engagement speech? Well, this is exactly how this scene was, except it was real life. Kind of.

When Ben takes the two women aside, Rachel is all cute and coy. Blakely, on the other hand, busts out a scrapbook that she's been making for him. It contains all of these magazine clippings. It kind of reminds me of the scary notes Whitney Houston's character was getting in The Bodyguard. It was a tad over the top and stalkerish.

Ben immediately picks Rachel and dumps Blakely. I mean, come on. That scrapbook was a bit much, girlfriend. Blakely looks stunned. She doesn't even say goodbye or anything, she just keeps moving out the door. Rachel shows a deceptive side: she's staring out the window trying to watch. She also gives a very victorious smile when no one's looking. It made me hate her, kind of.

Blakely starts crying in the street. A feral cat starts following them. She hugs Ben, apologizes, cries, sobs, wipes her snot on Ben's shirt, and then gets into a minivan.

Meanwhile, Rachel is wiping her rose all over her body. Hubs starts bitching. I start falling asleep.

Forty-five more minutes to go.

YAY! Finally the shiz on Casey!! No one passed away. It seems that the reason why Casey has been so distant with Ben is because she's in love with someone back home!! OMG!!! Chris B. Harrison says that he's heard this from three different sources, including Michael, Casey's supposed love. Casey dies this vehemently, but then says she's not with him. She needs therapy, and she needs to get over her ex more. Um, ok. Weird. Whatever. Then she flip-flops back and forth, and then Chris B. Harrison insists that they go find Ben and talk to him.

She tells Ben, he's all, "How dare you, you stupid whore?! GO HOME!" Not really, but that' would have made for better tv. Anyway, he sends her home, the camera zooms in on Casey who is a VERY pretty girl, but a VERY ugly crier. Then Ben goes out to contemplate life and to act like he's sad on the balcony. Casey gets into a mini van and cries some more. Oh God, she's got an awful cry voice too. They mustn't have gotten very good footage, because we are subjected to this woman crying for a solid five minutes.

Then it cuts to the rose ceremony. Nikki tells him how real her feelings are. Nikki is the woman who annoys me every season, the one who prematurely falls in "love" and acts all cutesy-wootsy. So dumb and boring and predictable. Jamie starts with the verbal diarrhea again. She said the SAME SHIT she said to him on their group date. Um, and then she straddled him. And then she ripped her dress whilst straddling him. And then she made out with him a little. And then she shat out of her mouth again. Oh dear God. Please make this stuff. Oh, wow. She admits she's making a fool out of herself. At least she knows that. And then they decide to try one more time. Jamie tells him to kiss with his mouth closed, and then open their mouths. Holy shit. This is awful. Can you tell I'm typing this as I'm watching? You guys, it's just so bad. It's so so bad. I really hope she's drunk. She ended the conversation by saying, "I feel like I've really shown you tonight how much I like you. Is that clear?" Uhhh...

That pain finally ends and we cut to the rose ceremony. Nikki, Courtney, Horse Girl, and Emily get the rose. Poor Jamie is forced to say her goodbyes, and it's back to Upstate New York for her. Jamie, you're better off, girlfriend. I am SO happy that she didn't cry until after she said goodbye. But, OH! The eye make-up smears. AWFUL!! At least she gets taken away in a limo instead of a minivan. That's a step up.

So now we're down to five girls. How exciting. And speaking of exciting--Ben announces they will be heading to beautiful Belize next week! And it's the week leading up to hometowns! WOW!

I read somewhere that Reality Steve announced Ben chooses Courtney. I really hope so, because it'll be another Jake-Vienna ep, and we all know how that shiz went down. LOVE IT.

Big Announcement! Huge!

2012-02-06T05:00:00.000-05:00

If you don't follow me on Twitter (Why don't you, darn it?!), then you have no idea all of the changes that have been popping up in my life these days. And if you do follow me on Twitter? Well, first, thank you. And next, why don't you just skip my blog post for the day and go read someone else's? I'm sure you're sick of hearing this. Ok, so here it is....

OMFG, YOU GUYS! I AM MOVING TO GERMANY!!

GAH!!!

Yes, that's right. Hubs and I will be expats in the next few months, but fear not--it's only temporary, and yes, I still plan on blogging.

It may or may not be in German. I haven't decided yet.

But since all I know how to say is "Das its ein Apfel" ("This is an apple"), I'm pretty sure it's safe to say I'll just stick to my native tongue.

So, please expect some frantic posts about learning a new language, packing up all f my shit, and generally just freaking the eff out in the near future.

The plan is to head on out of here at the end of the month, spend some time with our family for March, and fly the friendly skies at the beginning of April. I am scared and excited to begin this new chapter, and I'm so proud of Hubs for landing a pretty sweet promotion!

We'll be there for three years! HOLLA!!

Enjoy Your Day Off.

2012-02-03T05:00:00.000-05:00

Since it's a spoof of the best movie ever made, I just had to share. Go Giants!

Married Texts.

2012-02-02T05:00:00.001-05:00

I'm probably stating the obvious here, but my texts are in blue.

We ALWAYS get to ask questions. Remember Christmas, Hubs, when you demanded obvious hints on all of your gifts??

Those are all valid questions, and yes, I did call my husband a whore. It's a term of endearment in our home.

Even though we don't do Show-and-Tell in high school, I'll bring it back. Oh, I will.

Um...I think I inadvertently started an actual fight...oopsies...

K-Dash Wednesday: High School Edition

2012-02-01T05:00:00.000-05:00

Photo Courtesy of Peoplestylewatch.com

Well, it's already Wednesday, can you believe that? Can you also believe this photo? It's from Kendall's first photo shoot. Airbrushed much? Anyway, my post this week centers around this little miss, this imposter Kardashian. In fact, this particular subject is one of the reasons why I decided to devote an entire day to this family on the ole blog. Anyway, a few weeks back, Kendall tweeted this little gem: "School blows." Being a high school teacher, I realize that many students in America feel this way about high school. Even I thought that, but do you know what the difference is? I didn't have millions of people, other teenagers, hanging on my every word. After that day, a trending topic very similar began to appear on Twitter. I cannot remember the exact wording of the topic, but it was something like "Why High School Sucks."

This REALLY pissed me off. If you're going to throw yourself into the spotlight, then you need to be able to be a positive role model to other kids. Yeah, I know--what child stars have ever done this, right? But still. It makes me sick that this girl is famous because she has famous sisters who are famous for being rich and stupid, and now she is influencing other kids her age who thinks she's cool and hot and awesome.

Boys and girls of America: Please do not grow up to be a Kardashian. Please. Oh, and for the sake of your teachers, certainly don't act like a Kardashian in school. Thanks.

How do you guys feel about this? Am I overreacting? Maybe my ire for this family has just been on overload lately. J-Tony, you're a fan of the K-Dash fam. What do you think?? :-)

Puerto Rico is a Lovely Island. I think The Bachelor Should Stay There.

2012-01-31T05:00:00.000-05:00

Does this man get hair transplants? Photo courtesy of Realitytv.com

So, Ben and his hoes decided to fly off to Puerto Rico. The ladies make themselves right at home at their beachfront villa, and in comes a very casual Chris B. Harrison. Funny side story: last week, someone found my blog by searching "Chris Harrison Hair Transplant." Is that an actual rumor? I had no idea.

Anyway, Chris B. announces there will be one group date and two one-on-one date. Nicki wins the one-on-one date, and Courtney starts going all Single White Female on everyone, telling them they'd "better check themselves, bitch." I like her style.

Just kidding.

I can't stand that psychobitch.

Nicki says she'll be bummed if Ben doesn't give her a rose on this date. Then she calls him the man of her dreams. Seriously? You like an odd-looking introvert? Seriously, why do women swoon over this dude? I don't see it.

Anyway, Chris B. Harrison cues the rain, and a downpour starts. I'd just like to state that on no other show does it rain this much. Wherever they go, these ladies are followed by rain clouds. Hmm. Interesting.

Ben is turned on how easy going Nicki is. Um, dude, what the hell else is she supposed to do? Pitch a fit like she would in real life? I don't think so.

The couple decides to buy some dry clothes that are authentically Puerto Rican. Ben says he wants a Colombian-looking hat, white linens, and white shoes. Nicki gets some sort of silk tablecloth to put on. Ben says he feels natural with Nicki. Honestly, I just feel hungry. That tablecloth she's wearing has reminded me that I haven't eaten yet.

Ben mentions the fact that Nicki was married once before. Nicki says when she gets married next time, it's going to be the "real deal." You know, as opposed to the fake deal her first marriage apparently was.

Ben and Nicki start to watch a wedding that's occurring in the square. Ben says it's intense. Both Ben and Nicki look like they're about to choke on chicken bones or something. It's quite weird. And PS: stop spying on other people's weddings. It's creepy.

Then Nicki and Ben are drinking wine. Ben wants to know all about Nicki's marriage and divorce. Nicki says she wants to be excited again, and this time, she'll grow with someone. That's great, Nicki. Yawn. When does Courtney strip for Ben? Can we fast forward to that part, please? Blah blah blah he gives her the rose. She gladly accepts. They make out a bit. I passed out for awhile, and I think I tried to put the moves on Hubs. IDK, I blacked out. Then Hubs got mad because I yelled, "EWWWWW!" when I saw Ben's tongue go in Nicki's mouth. Apparently, The Bachelor makes me transform back into a n eleven-year-old girl.

Lindzi, Courtney, Jen, Casey B., Emily, Rachel, Casey S., Jamie, and Blakely will all go on the group date this week. Blakely starts bitching about not getting a one-on-one date. This is when I noticed that Blakey's teeth are capped. They're also very large.

Anyway, Ben and the gals go to an empty baseball stadium to play baseball. Blakely says she is super excited and super athletic, so this is right up her alley. In other news, she's still a stripper.

Chris B. Harrison comes out of nowhere to tell the ladies that they will be split up into two groups. The winner will get a group date with Ben (are they winners or losers?), and the losers will go home. Seriously, I'd totally sabotage that game so I could get back to the bachelorette cave to drink my face off and swim in the ocean.

Ben gets to save one woman from total destruction, so he chooses Lindzi. Kind of random, but at least it wasn't Courtney.

Anyway, the two teams start to battle it out. It was basically like watching The Bad News Bears before they started to win. Ben was the pitcher, and he was also in this hideous baseball uniform. Blakely was really good, and Courtney took the words right out of my mouth: "Who knew strippers could play baseball?" Indeed, biotch.

After countless errors, the game is tied. Jennifer strikes out, starts bawling, and the red team wins. The red team consists of Courtney, Jamie, and some other girls. The winners flew off in a helicopter, the losers went home on a school bus. I've never been in a chopper before, but I'd take the school bus home instead of a date with Ben any day. ANY DAY.

Anyway, Ben makes out with Casey B. and then gives her the rose. Courtney tells the camera that she has an idea. She takes him down to the beach, hold his hand, hugs him...did I mention that Ben looks completely shitfaced? He does. Anyway, Courtney starts making out with him and asking him to go skinny dipping. Ben says, "I don't know."

Next thing we know, it's morning and Ben is knocking on the door for Elyse. He takes her on a yacht. Poor Elise. She's really not that smart. First, she quit her job to be on the show. Oh, girlfriend. That's just asking for trouble. She tells Ben to screw everyone (I think he's close to doing that), and get married on the yacht. Yawn. They jump in the water, and unfortunately, a giant rock does not slash them into pieces.

At dinner, Ben says he's perplexed about something: Elyse mentioned that she's accomplished everything she wanted to in life. She says that she's accomplished everything that she wanted to accomplish everything as a single lady. Now she's ready to accomplish things as a married lady. I can't aptly describe this with words, but she really sounded like she was digging herself into a big hole. I was just like, "OMG, girlfriend! SHUT UP ALREADY." Ben wants her to shut up, too, so he picks up the rose, basically dangles it in her face, and sends her home.

Elyse, you NEVER give up your career for a man you've never even met. NEVER!!

Oh, and then she makes an even bigger mistake: she asks him what she did wrong. WTF??! I'll tell you what you did wrong, sister. You went on a freaking reality show to find that special someone. Do yourself a favor and go home, sign up for E-Harmony and FIND AN AWESOME JOB.

And then Ben sends her off on some sort of life raft, which catapults Elyse into her own reality show: Castaway, Bachelor Style, where she will have to spend the next forty days in a life raft, trying to make her way from Puerto Rico to Mainland, USA. Good luck and God speed, Elyse.

Also, I think Ben is a complete douche. He totally set Elyse up to think she was getting a rose. Like, why even pick it up, you ass? I hate you.

Back at the ranch, the dude comes in for Elyse's bags, which once again leads me to believe that she is still floating on the ocean somewhere.

Courtney takes the opportunity to sneak over to Ben's place. She offers to massage him using the lotion she conveniently had in her pocket. They drink some wine, and then Courtney and Ben go down to the beach to get naked and skinny dip. Ben's all, "This probably isn't a good idea" to the camera, but to Courtney, he says, "Why the hell not?"

And then they do it. I mean, they skinny dip, but I think they also do it. She keeps telling the camera that she's winning. That's all she wants. She doesn't want our boy Ben, ladies!

Finally, it's the night of the rose ceremony. The girls start throwing themselves at Ben. Blakely says she never thought a guy like Ben would like her. Blakely says that no matter what happens, she's found something in herself that she never knew existed. And just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, she's no longer going to be a hooker. Take care of you, Blakely.

Then Emily gets her turn to throw herself on Ben. She apologizes for talking about Courtney. And then she starts talking about Courtney. Ben gets PISSED. He tells her to drop it and tread lightly. Um, Big Mouth, he asked you to drop it last week. Why the hell would you bring it back up this week? She runs off crying. I love this shit.

Ben says a lot of shiz that I can't recall, and then he gives Linzi the first rose. The second rose goes to Jamie. I can't believe my fave is still in the game! Rachel comes in third, followed by Courtney. Emily looks like she's about to melt. Then Ben gives Casey S. the rose. Who the eff is Casey S? How is she still on? All she's good for is getting drunk. I don't think she's even talked to this dude. Anyway, Blakely gets the next rose. And the final rose goes to...EMILY. I feel so bad for Jennifer. I think she was the only one who actually liked him. She said she completely understands and wants him to find happiness. Oh, Jennifer. I'm really sorry, girlfriend. Ben puts her in a Hummer, and the tears begin. Big, ugly tears. And then I begin to hate Jennifer because she wonders what she did wrong.

NO ONE DID ANYTHING WRONG EXCEPT SIGN UP FOR THIS ASININE SHOW.

Back at the bunny ranch, Ben tells the ladies that it's getting more difficult. Then he drops the bombshell: they're going to PANAMA CITY, PANAMA!! My guess is they all take turns doing lines of cocaine off of each others' navels. I'm totally calling it right now.

Until next week, everyone, keep smelling those roses.

Amen.

Don't Touch Me There.

2012-01-30T05:00:00.000-05:00

Photo Courtesy of massageandfacialessentials.com

Last week, I was suffering from an awful tension headache. I get these pretty frequently, and I can always feel them starting in my shoulders and neck. I have been saying for months now that I was going to get a massage, so when I felt a headache coming on, I called the local massage place and booked an appointment.

After I was through booking the appointment, the receptionist said, "Ok, I have you down for 3:00 with Jacob." I was all, "Great! Thanks, ciao!"

And when I hung up, it dawned on me: a man other than my husband was about to rub all sorts of oil all over my naked skin.

Mommy!

First of all, I'm very protective of my body. I always have been, and I'm certain I always will be. Something quasi-similar happened to me last year when no female gynecologists were available, and a man other than my husband entered me (with a speculum, but whatevs). I was so nervous that I made Hubs come to the appointment with me, and while I didn't make him go in the exam room with me (only because he refused), I did make him sit in the chair closest to said exam room and listen for my screams.

While I knew there would be no penetration in the massage room, it still made me a little uncomfortable to think of some strange dude rubbing me down.

It did not help when I had to fill out a checklist of places where it was ok to be rubbed. These included my gluteals, abs, and pectorals.

Ok, let's talk about each of these sections of my body, shall we? My "gluteal" is something I don't even let my husband SEE naked, let alone rub. I promptly checked the box saying, "If he touches me there, I will kick him in the balls." My abs? Um, what abs? Unless you count the Pilsbury rolls that are my abdomen, there's really nothing there TO rub. I checked the "I have no abs to be rubbed" box, and continued to the pecs. It's been a long time since I've had an anatomy lesson, but I'm pretty sure my "pecs" are right above the area I like to call my "boobs". So I'm assuming it's no surprise to any of you that I checked the "I'm sorry, but I'm not letting you get to second base on our first meeting" box.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have wanted a girl to rub my butt, either, but I would have felt a tad more comfortable with the whole situation. I was also worried Hubs was going to be mad, but honestly, I am not sure that Jacob, who probably was twelve years old, was at all interested in the goods I was putting on the massage table.

So, I spent the entire sixty minutes being too tense and paranoid to actually enjoy the rub down, and I went home with an even worse headache than when the whole massage started. I also felt the need to go to confession in order to cleanse myself of my sins, and then I took a hot shower and did seven Hail Marys at bedtime.

Next time I get a headache, I think I'll just go to the mall and feed two dollars into the good ole mechanical massage chair.

Bless me, Hubs, for I have gotten massaged.

Help!

2012-01-28T17:51:00.003-05:00

Greetings, readers. I am begging for your help. A former student of mine, Tia, is getting her degree from NYU. Not only is she super-smart, but she is also doing me proud by being a super-stalker of a famous boy in one of her classes. Even though he's just a star on Disney, I think she's doing stellar work. Obviously, I've taught her everything she knows.

Anyway, Tia is not only fabulous, but she is also concerned about our environment. She is interning at Earthgarage, and she really needs our help. They have started a campaign to ban toxic materials being used in brake pads. Um, I didn't even know toxic materials were in brake pads, and since I think that's pretty scary, you can bet your sweet asses I hurried up and signed that sucker. For your convenience, you can simply click on the link on the right-hand side of my blog. I'm awesome, aren't I?

Next, please like their page on Facebook. They are hoping to get 500 more likes by the end of March, and every little bit helps!

Thanks for reading, and I hope you'll help a sister out. Tia is awesome, and so is EarthGarage. Amen.

The Most Beautiful Sight These Eyes Have Ever Seen.

2012-01-26T05:00:00.000-05:00

Ok, watch this.

And then imagine a younger, more attractive person (moi) opening up this box and saying the exact same thing:

Aaaaaaaa.......meeeeeennnnnn......

K-Dash Wednesday

2012-01-25T05:00:00.000-05:00

From divawhispers.co

So on Sunday, E! ran the entire season of Kim and Kourtney Take New York in order to prep everyone for the first part of the finale. Because ~~Hubs had left me to my own devices, and because I had a pint of Ben and Jerry's in my freezer~~ I watch these ridiculous reality shows so you don't have to, I sat myself down and proceeded to watch.

And this is what I discovered:

Kris Humphries is a seven-foot tool.

Now, when Kim first announced that she was divorcing K-Dawg, I was one of the first to start judging her, calling her horrible names, and generally having an awesome time at her expensive.

And after watching this season, I feel awful. Now, granted, reality television isn't necessarily the truth (ok, it's usually not), and we're only seeing a small sliver of these people's lives, so I know that all of things are factoring into how I've formed my opinion, but...

I feel really sorry for Kim. Kris is nothing but a selfish prick, who'd rather eat an entire pizza by himself than listen to his wife ask his advice on how to handle a fight she's having with Khloe. At point, he was like, "You know I hate Khloe." And then he followed that by saying, "Whatever, I don't care."

First, if Hubs ever said he hated my sister, I'd kick him to the curb. You just don't stay that about your spouse's family member, and you certainly don't say it when your spouse is so close to that family member.

Still, I know it was wrong of Kim to rush into marriage, but you know what? Hubs and I did it. We were together for less than a year before we got engaged, and we only waited a year to get married because our circumstances demanded it. Like Kim and Kris, we didn't live together before we were married, and honestly, we hadn't spent all that much time together since we were in a long distance relationship. Hubs and I are very happy and very in love. He's my best friend, and every day I am amazed at how happy I am. But the thing I've realized is that it totally could've gone the wrong way. For the most part, we don't annoy each other, but what if we had moved in together and realized we were not a good match? What if we had made a mistake?

Granted, I would hope we would've taken more than 72 days to see if we could work on the marriage, but in the scenes of the show where Kim was very emotional about how she was feeling, my heart went out to her. You could tell she was pretty embarrassed about it, and it was definitely weighing on her mind. Like I said, I know that we're not even getting half of the story from these shows, but that's just how I feel.

So, now that a couple of months have passed, have you had a change of heart about the KK? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Ben Does Utah...and All of the Girls He Brings With Him.

2012-01-24T05:00:00.000-05:00

Photo courtesy of green celebrity.net

The Bachelor and his harem of women are in Park City, Utah, the happiest place on Earth. Not really, but it was the cheapest deal the produces of The Bach could get. Ben tells the camera that the plans he has in Utah are "outdoorsy and awesome." No, Ben, YOU'RE awesome.

Chris B. Harrison apparates a la Harry Potter and tells the gals that they have two one-on-one dates, plus a group date. Chris warns the women to use every moment possible to get some alone time with B-dawg. He may or may not have encouraged some hand jobs in the jacuzzi. Ok, he totally did.

So, Rachel Bangs gets the first one-on-one date. Rachel admits that her ex broke up with her because of communication issues, but I think it's because of her wild bangs and husky voice.

The camera then pans to one of the Caseys (Kasie? Kasey? Khasie? Who the eff can keep track?), who says it's hard because she knows that she and Ben like each other. She wishes this process was over, and that she and Ben were on their way to the grocery store right now. You know what, Casey? You're kind of making me wish the same thing. I could totally go for some Sour Patch Kids up in here (oh, btw, Hubs has re-banished me upstairs whilst this awesome show is on). Alas, I have a job to do.

Anyway, here comes Ben in a helicopter (of course...the helicopter always makes an appearance in the fourth episode) to pick up his woman for the night. As they're being show the scenery, Rachel says, "Oh, wow." Ben says, "I like where things are going." But I think he was talking more about the canoe ride they're set to take, rather than the "relationship" with Rachel. Rachel says she definitely hasn't felt like this since her last relationship, a statement I found to be odd and laughable. Ben, I hate to tell you this, but Rachel's just not that into you. She finds you incredibly boring and not very cute. And by the way? So do I.

Back at the bunny ranch, Casey is once again bitching that she's not given all of the alone time with Ben. Um, Casey, there's enough man there to go around. Pick your thong outta your butt crack and cool your jets, man.

And then the camera cuts back to the one-on-one date. Rachel looks bored out of her mind. Ben comments to the camera that they have such chemistry, but the conversation is lagging. Uh, you think? He admits that he's confused about how he feels, and there's something that he can't quite put his finger on.

At dinner, Rachel realizes Ben is starting to doubt his feelings for her, and so she starts kissing his ass a little. It works out, because she is given the rose. Then they go outside to make s'mores. They made eating them off of sticks look very sexual. Ben says he thinks his relationship with Rachel is going to be a "slow burn." I've never heard Herpes called that before, but I guess it works.

Ben is all excited to go on his date with eight women. He comes riding across a field on a horse. He looks very Gaston-y. Horse Girl admits her heart kind of melted when she saw him on a horse. Um, of course it did.

Then Ben takes the girls fly fishing. He says he'll show them how. Kacie B. is once again bawling about how it's hard to not be alone with Ben because they have a connection. Bitch, back off! Courtney says she realizes that the day is more about catching a man than it is a fish, and even though she's never caught a fish, she's certainly caught men. Then Ben yells, "Nibbles! Nibbles!" which I, of course, heard as "Nipples! Nipples!" which got a good chuckle. Ben thinks Court has a natural ability. Lindzi is all, "Oh no, sistah! Ima gonna show Ben who the best fisher gal is!" And then Courtney catches a fish and Lindzi is pissed.

The other Casey is the first to get a one-on-one "interview"(code word for getting felt up on the terrace) on the date. She makes out with him after they both admit they've lost friends with whom they were close. Then some other girl (her name is Samantha??) barges in and wants to know why she only gets group dates. Wow, she is WAY forward with him. Ben's basically like, "I don't see this going much further. We should end this right now." Ooh, bet Sammie regrets ever interrupting him at all. Ben is PISSED that Sam would ask why she only gets group dates when there are other women who haven't been on dates this week. Um, yeah, you tool, because their date hasn't happened yet. MORON.

Courtney is all gloaty while she sips her wine and watches Samantha bawling her eyes out. What a biotch. She deserves to have stupid Ben and his stupid winery. I'll bet his batch is really bitter, too. You can tell just by looking at him.

After cutting out Sam's heart with a butter knife, he takes Kacie off to "talk". Ben admits that it was hard for him (not sure what was hard, exactly) in the river because he wanted to kiss her, but all of those other girls were there. Well, maybe we should just end the madness now so that Ben and Kacie can go to the freaking Piggly Wiggly, make babies on top of the cucumber stand, and go about their merry way. I think it's safe to say that Kacie B. has solidified her spot in the top two.

After they make out, Courtney and Ben go upstairs so that Ben can act like Courtney is the only girl he's kissed today. Courtney puts on her her frigging sob story and she gets the rose from Courtney. Courtney just keeps repeating "winning". Look, bitch. That phrase did nothing for Charlie Sheen's career, and it's really doing nothing for your television career, either, ok? So why don't you just save us all the time, go out and get a couple hookers, do some blow off of their navels, and get off of our television screens, mmm kay?

Jennifer is the winner of the other one-on-one date. I wish someone would do the girl's make-up for her, because it's just not working for me. She's a cute girl, and I don't think she needs all of that weird eye shadow...then again, you're talking to a woman whose daily make-up is only cocoa butter lip gloss. I suck.

But it's all good because he and Jen end up being lowered down into a crater. Then they fall into the water and we never see them again.

But seriously, how do they get out of that hole? Does the fire department have to come to rescue them?

Miraculously, they are saved. At dinner, it starts to pour, and off they run.

Dude, Jen has it BAD for our boy Ben. BAD. Like, it's written all over her face. Ben says he's gonna be honest--he's surprised he feels comfortable around Jennifer. Um, that's like a backhanded compliment. I don't think he's into Jennifer at all. Oh, Jen Jen. You're going to have your heart splattered all over that crater you went down on Ben on.

Oh, and cue the has-been band!

This week's victim is Clay Walker, who is a country singer from back in the day. I guess his career had already ended, so really, this is a win for Clay. How sad.

Jennifer says it makes her feel special to know that Ben has put this together all for her.

Jennifer, are you really that dumb? ABC put this all together for you. Ben did not spend a dime on your dream date, ok? You're delusional, and with this one statement, I've started to resent you. Dammit, Jen!

On the night of the rose ceremony, Emily confronts Ben about how sucky Courtney is. Ben gets PISSED, and basically tells her this will be her demise.

A Note on Ben: He does not take criticism well at all. Like, I could see him actually get kind of mean with his future gal. I really hope that's not true, but have you guys ever seen Sleeping with the Enemy, starring a young Julia Roberts and some psycho older dude? Yeah, Ben reminds me of her hubs. You know, the one who basically forces her to fake her own death and start over somewhere in Iowa. I just hope whomever is the lucky woman at the end remembers to keep the towels in a straight row.

Courtney confronts Emily about talking smack on her to Ben. Emily flat out denies that she said anything to bed, which is not cool. I mean, Courtney is not my favorite person in the house, but Emily should've just been a woman and told her the truth. Emily admits to the camera that she has strong feelings for Ben. I'm not really sure how those feelings developed, but they did. Hmm.

Finally, Ben saves the day by calling the bitches to order.

Courtney's all, "Bye, biotch! Winning! I have a rose!" and then everyone drops about five f-bombs apiece. It was awesome. F-ing awesome.

Peeps Who Got Roses:
1. Lindzi (whatevs)
2. Jamie (YIPPEEEEE!!! We live to see another week, Jame Jame!)
3. Nikki (Who the eff are you?)
4. Kacie B. (Dude, I HATE when they thank him for giving them a rose)
5. Elise (I think she said, "You won't regret this" to him. Uh, WTF?)
6. Blakely (she actually behaved herself this week. I am SO disappointed in you, B)
7. Kasie S. (She looks like she's 17...is she legal, Chris B. Harrison)
8. Emily (Oh yeah! More drama next week!)

Plus Courtney, Jennifer, and Rachel.

Remember the blonde chick who got drunk and evil on the first episode? Ok, she got sent home. And in the limo, she was bawling. Um, girlfriend, you didn't like Ben, remember?

WHY DO THESE WOMEN WANT ROSES SO BADLY?

Ben announces that he and his 11 women will be traveling to Puerto Rico, where Courtney and Ben will go skinny dipping together. How special.

I need a drink. Who's with me?

New Orleans!

2012-01-23T05:00:00.000-05:00

Last weekend, Hubs flew me to New Orleans. It was totally awesome. First, I felt really good helping an economy that is still in such need, and secondly, the food, ambience, and music are just amazing down there!

Hubs and I stayed in the very ritzy Roosevelt Hotel, where we enjoyed having a television in our bathroom. This made it much easier to banish Hubs from the bed and big television when I wanted to watch my reality shows.

Dear Hubs, I want a tv in our bathroom at home, please.

The Roosevelt was just a hop, skip, and a jump away from Bourbon Street, so we were good to go. Unfortunately, I am far too old to be frolicking on Bourbon Street with the youngies, so I preferred to spend my time on Royal Street. Besides, I think it's much more aptly named for my kind. Royal Street had the better musicians, the better stores, and it did not smell like wet vomit, which is the permanent stench surrounding Bourbon Street.

We spent most of our time just walking around the city, which was awesome. Eating fresh seafood all weekend, combined with all of the walking that we did, paid off because I lost three pounds! Yay! But don't worry, folks I gained it all back the other night when I partied with Stephen Colbert and his Americone Dream. Have I told Ben and Jerry's lately how much I love them? Because I do. I love them so much, in fact, I think I'm going to have to stock up my freezer tonight.

But anyway, back to the trip. I woke up every morning and washed my vitamin down with a Hurricane, which is basically a ton of different rum and some juice. It was sheer deliciousness. We also bought some really cool pieces for our house, including a cool jazz musician painting, and a wicked cool iron fleur de lis.

It was also very interesting and sobering to talk to the locals, many of whom have been there since well before Hurricane Katrina. While they all seemed to agree that the city has come a long way since Katrina first hit, they also said how far they still need to go.

Here are a few more pics from our kick-butt time!

Hotel lobby. So swanky!

I ate crawdads until I noticed all of the yellow goo oozing out of them. And then I threw my Hurricane up. What a waste of alcohol.

This Just In!

2012-01-19T05:00:00.000-05:00

Photo Courtesy of realitytvworld.com

It was announced yesterday that Emily Maynard is our new Bachelorette! Something tells me her season is going to be awfully juicy!

HOLLA!!!

K-Dash Wednesday.

2012-01-18T05:00:00.000-05:00

Can you believe it's Wednesday already? So far this week, I've woken up in New Orleans (more on that tomorrow), gotten caught in a nasty snowstorm, and endured a three-hour visit to the dentist. Some girls have all the fun, I know.

Anyway, I know you guys are going to be way disappointed, but you know how I told you I was planning on reviewing the "novel" the K girls "wrote"? Well, bigger news is pressing.

OMG, KHLOE KARDASHIAN MAY OR MAY NOT BE A KARDASHIAN!!!!!

SQUEAL!

I never really took Kris Jenner to be a two-timing hooker, but then again, I never really cared that much, either.

Reports began to surface last week that the paternity of Khloe Kardashian, the youngest daughter of Kris and the late Robert Kardashian, is in question.

Kris vehemently denies ever doing another guy in that period of her life, then told those enquiring minds to grow up.

Honestly, I feel badly about this whole thing. Khloe seemed to be very close to her father, and if someone started alleging I wasn't my dad's child, I'd be pissed, too.

Anyway, here's a pic of Khloe and Robert Kardashian. Come the freak on! She looks just like him!

Robert Kardashian, Sr.

Khloe "Maybe Not a Kardashian" Kardashian

I don't want to brag or anything, but I'm pretty sure I totally just said a big "Eff You!" to genetics and put this whole rumor to bed. You're welcome, Khloe.

A Belated Bachelor Post.

2012-01-17T19:14:00.003-05:00

Sorry for the delay in posting today, folks, but I was stuck in a snowstorm last night. Because I had a job to do, though, I took one for the team, got a hotel room, and watched The Bachelor from the comforts of a Hampton Inn.

Since I usually write my posts immediately after (and sometimes during) the show, it's very difficult for me to remember ~~who~~ what went down last night. Hmmm....let's see....

Blakely had even more interesting clothing choices this week. Instead of the two-year-old's romper she borrowed last week, this week she channeled Nicole Kidman a la Moulin Rouge and went with some skanky corset thingy. Yum.

The big news, though, was that there was some surprise visitor who was gonna burst her way into the scene. That woman was none other than Shawntel from Brad's season.

Shawntel, hot mess and mortician extraordinaire

Shawntel revealed to the cameras that she watched Emily's season of The Bachelorette, during which she developed strong feelings for Ben, a man whom she had never met. I mean, I guess it makes sense that Shawntel would be into Ben. After all, she is used to working with people who don't have a pulse, and Ben is quite stiff.

Anyway, she rolls on in and gives Chris B. Harrison a big ole hug, thanking him for allowing her to come on and throw a wrench in the mix. Oh, I'd also like to add that the timing was absolutely perfect for this since the girl who brought her grandmother on the show decided she didn't give a rat's ass about Ben and hightailed it on outta there, leaving a spot open for anyone.

Shawntel interrupts a Ben-unidentified bachelorette make-out session. Ben swears when he sees Shawntel, asks her what she's doing there, and then she says, "I feel like we have a real connection and I want to give this a shot. And I think you do, too." Ben says something about always enjoying their "talks," which is probably just code for blow jobs poolside.

The other girls are pissed. Horse Girl is upset that she never gets any alone time with Ben. Model Girl is livid that he'd allow another attractive brunette into the mix, and Jacklyn declares it's gonna get ugly if Shawntel gets a rose. Model Girl fake cries and then announces she will not be accepting a rose at the ceremony. "Eff this!" she says.

Cut to the rose ceremony: the drama is certainly building. I could feel the tension just radiating from the television screen. Egads.

A bunch of girls got roses. Model Girl accepts her rose but tells Ben she's not happy about what went down. One rose left, three girls from which to choose: Jacklyn, Some Other Girl, and Shawntel. Jacklyn is sobbing. Shawntel is biting her nails. And Some Other Girl is...fainting?

Yeah, that's right: Some Other Girl gets lightheaded and almost goes down for the count. She collapses, someone asks her if she's anemic (WTF?), and someone else asks her if she's hypoglycemic. The girls are rushed out, then rushed back in, and Ben's all, "You know what? I can't do this. I'm not giving out the final rose." And so Jacklyn continues to sob, Shawntel hugs Ben goodbye, and Some Other Girl collapses again. Ben goes over to say goodbye, gives her this awkward standing hug, and then peaces out, leaving Some Other Girl sitting on the ground. He is SUCH a gentleman.

Next week, the women and Ben all fly to the most romantic place anyone can ever imagine: UTAH!!!

I guess ABC's run out of good sponsorships. It was bound to happen sooner or later. Sigh.

Mars and Venus.

2012-01-12T05:00:00.001-05:00

Right before the first of the year, I sat down to think about some resolutions I would like to make and break within a matter of hours. And I'm not saying I have no flaws, but I could not come up with anything. Do I need to lose weight? Yes. Do I want to? Sure. Am I willing to stop eating Doritos and M&Ms? No. So, I knew it was stupid to make a resolution that I wasn't going to stick with.

And then I decided I didn't need a resolution. I mean, if nothing was coming to me, why bother?

But then I started to look at Hubs.

Hubs and I are very different in many ways, but the reason why we work so well is because our core values, our morals, are the same.

But there's one major difference that kind of drives me insane: Hubs is an optimist. I, most definitely, am not.

I'm not even a pessimist--I'm a fatalist. I see not only the worst in any situation, but I see the tragedy, the catastrophe, the bitter, painful end.

And I blame my mother.

Naturally.

Here's an example: for the past several months, Hubs and I have been slowly making our way through the entire series of The Sopranos. If you've never seen the series but have every intention of someday watching it, please stop reading right now. I'm about to ruin the end for you.

Anyway, in the last few episodes, Bobby dies. After he's gone, Tony is thinking back on one of their final conversations. In that conversation, Bobby and Tony are discussing what it must feel like right before you're shot to death. Bobby says that he doesn't think, in the end, you know it's coming.

At the end of the series, Tony and his family are eating dinner at a restaurant. People keep walking in and out of the restaurant, and some of them seem very similar to hit men who've been on the show at various times. Tony's daughter is late for dinner, and just as she is walking to the door, the camera cuts back to Tony. The door opens, Tony looks up, and the screen turns to black.

My opinion? Tony didn't know it was coming, and he died.

Hubs's opinion? Tony is fine! He's enjoying his dinner with his family, and then they'll all go home and live happily ever after. The End.

This is the story of our marriage: I am constantly thinking the worst, and Hubs is reeling me back in with all of his positivity.

My resolution this year?

To be more like my husband.

K-Dash Wednesday.

2012-01-11T05:00:00.000-05:00

http://www.smh.com.au/news/tv-reviews/true-hollywood-story-the-kardashians/2008/05/01/1209235039540.html

It's time to dish about our family American family! That's right, readers! It is K-Dash Wednesday, where we talk about all things Kardashian. Why, you ask? Because apparently they are the most important family in all of America, judging from the magazines at the supermarket, and the stupid news programs.

This week in Kardashianville, Kim has admitted that she has moved on from her marriage to Kris Humphries. Kim, my dear, I think you moved on from that marriage before you even had a marriage. Also, I would really like to address something that has been bothering me for months now. Can we talk about Kim's wedding gown and odd headpiece? I know this is old news, but every time re-watch that beautiful wedding on my DVR (I joke, people), I can't help but want to reach out and slide that stupid thing off of her forehead! No me gusta!

In other K-Dash news, rumors are flying about the three Kardashian sisters being immortalized as Barbie dolls! If this actually happens, I will never buy another Mattel product again. Reality shows are not Barbie dolls, unless they are Paris Hilton, dammit!

The New York Daily News is reporting that Kim K's sexy Skechers SuperBowl ad is being replaced by...a dog.

Now that's awesome, folks.

If you're lucky next week, I just might review the Dash sisters' "novel" they "wrote"!

I Think Hubs is Becoming a Fan!!!

2012-01-10T05:00:00.005-05:00

Photo courtesy of ABC.Com, yo!

The gals and Ben decided to visit his hometown in Cali. Let’s not mince word this early in the morning, aight?

Ben drives up in this really weird truck convertible thingy to pick up the winner of the first one-on-one date, Kacie B. First, they decided to twirl a baton in the middle of a street. Unfortunately, no cars hit them. Kacie B. said that she was on the perfect date with the perfect guy. Funny, she’s known Ben about 2 hours at this point…that’s a pretty huge statement to make, isn’t it? Then she and Ben go on some stupid dinner date. They talk about what they want in their futures…what a coincidence! They both want to get married!!!! It must be fate!!!! Ben says he’s never living anywhere that isn’t Sonoma, California. Kacie B. says that she’ll relocate…that’s just how she was raised…Southern…I don’t know what the connection is there, but whatevs. Then Ben gives her the rose and says he can see her in Sonoma. He then surprises her by taking her into this empty theater to view home videos of the two of them when they were growing up. And then they both laugh and laugh as though these videos were the funniest things ever!!! Triple exclamation point!!! Kacie then starts crying when pics of Ben’s dad appears. I’m not gonna lie—I choked up…until I saw the pic of Ben in a bow tie, and that truly made me feel better. Then they made out on another deserted street. Kacie B. thinks she’s found “what could be a lifetime of love with Ben.”

This is when we cut to our first commercial. This is also where I school Hubs on the ins and outs of this show. First, I’d like to say that Hubs willingly agreed to watch this week’s episode; he did not banish me to the bedroom like he usual does. This just shows that he, too, has become addicted to the best show on Earth. Anywho, he says, “So, what? Is this douche rich?” I’m all, “Well, probably. I think his family had money, and he owns his own winery.” Trista, Ali, all other Bachelorettes, please shut your eyes at this part.* And then he says, “Well, that’s not fair. On the girl version of the show, isn’t she a bum or something?” No, Hubs, she is certainly not a bum or something! She just happens to be one of the losers from the previous season of The Bachelor. It’s a really sensitive topic, and I really wish you wouldn’t bring it up anymore!!!

After their date, Ben takes twelve of the gals to “play with” him. Ooh la la! Ben announces to the girls that a bunch of kids have written a fairy tale, and they are all gonna audition for the play for the kids! Hooray! During the auditions, the kids ask the girls to act like a weasel, make pig noises, play the damsel in distress, be a fire-breathing dragon, and then act like a VIP cocktail waitress, which was quite easy for Blakely since she strips for a living. She also gives the kids their first lesson on camel toe, since she had a raging case of it with that onesie-bibbed short outfit she was rockin’. The play ended up taking place in Bachelorville with Prince Pinot. Ben had this bizarre English accent for his role, and the girls all played very convincing asses, gingerbread men, hippies…you name it. The part where Monica the Dragon blew Ben the Sheep’s clothes off was a little much for the elementary school, but thankfully, the play ended before anything else was blown.

After the thespians got a standing ovation, they all gathered outside to get sloppy and wet…near the pool. Blakely taunts the other girls by saying she’s getting the rose, and the other girls start to talk mad smack on her. Meanwhile, Samantha is sitting in a bathroom stall, waiting for someone to find her. After the gals track her down, a few of them go in the stall with her to bitch about how slutty Blakely is. There was a lot of bleeping out in this scene, so I really don’t know what was said. I’m guessing, though, that they don’t want Blakely to get the rose.

Suddenly, all bad feelings are cast aside after a friendly game of Chicken in the pool! YAY! Blakely floats off to the side of the pool, contemplating life and how awesome her boobs looked today in her hooker garb. While no one is looking, Jennifer steals Ben away to have some private pool time with him. Jennifer admits that Ben makes her feel giddy. She makes sure to tell Ben how much Sonoma reminds her of home. Smooth move, biotch. Smooth move. Ben tells her he’s glad she’s here, and then they make out. Obvi.

Then Blakely steals Ben and they make out. The girls watch. Blakely says it makes her hot to think about it. She likes that the girls are watching.

Ben decided to give the rose to someone who made the most out of the time they had in conversation…Blakely. Funny, I didn’t know that “conversation” meant disgusting lip-smacking noises. Poor Jennifer is heartbroken. I mean, he was just making out with Jenn, and then he was making out with Blakely!! In the same night!! In the same hour!! Has she never seen this show before?

Interesting observation: Ben did not use tongue when making out with Jen. Ben did use tongue when making out with Blakely. Yes, I watched that intensely.

Blah blah blah, ladies can’t stand Blakely.

After all of this, I just have one question: WHERE THE EFF IS JENNA-CARRIE-BRADSHAW-CRAZY??!! Oh, there she is. Just wait. Just wait.

Fast forward to the next date, a one-on-one with Courtney. Ben decided to bring his dog, Scotch, on the date with her. Kacie B. is pissed that someone other than herself is going on a one-on-one date. She tells the camera, “You are not a good person.” It doesn’t change the fact that Courtney rides off in the truck convertible with Ben’s dog on her lap.

Ben takes her into a Redwood forest. I think Courtney calls the dog “Scott,” which makes me laugh hysterically, for whatever reason. They get the dog to howl, and for whatever reason, it causes them to simultaneously orgasm. How special.

Courtney starts to say “we” instead of “me”. She tells Ben that she was “doing me for awhile,” which is why she hasn’t been dating recently. Ben is surprised that she hasn’t been getting some regularly, but that’s not what she said, Ben. She just hasn’t been getting it all from one dude. Then Ben wraps Scotch in a towel, and it’s seriously the friggin’ cutest thing ever. Then Ben starts ending his sentences with prepositions, and I freak the eff out for a few minutes, yelling random grammar rules at the television. He tells the camera that things with Courtney are almost “too good to be true.” That means they probably are, Benji.

Whilst riding with Ben in this tractor-like apparatus, Courtney confesses that it’s the best date she’s ever been on. She’s all girly and Marilyn-Monroe-whispery when he takes her through the corn stalks and leads her to a candlelit dinner under the tree. She tells him that he has, like, a winning personality. How sweet.

I kind of zoned out for a bit when Ben was saying a bunch of crap to Courtney, but he did end up giving her a rose. Then they kiss for a bit. And then my kick-ass friend Kelli said this of our bachelor: “Ben looks like a ferret mated with my neighbor’s 20-something loser son whose “job” (cough) is playing World of Warcraft.

Then Courtney basically caresses her entire body with the rose and laughs at the camera. So crazysexycool of her.

Finally!!! The last thirty minutes of the show!!!! Ben takes Horse Girl out to pasture…er, talk…and tells her not to worry. He didn’t request a one-on-one date because he knows they’re golden. She then confesses that it’s weird to have actual make-up on; dirt is usually her make-up. Um, take a bath, girlfriend.

Then Samantha tells Ben that she’s used to hanging out with guys, avoiding drama. And then Blakely waltzes in, Samantha storms out, calls the ho “Jugs” and begins gossiping with the other contestants. Yeah, Sam, you are SO not into drama!

FINALLY WE HAVE JENNA, NYC BLOGGER (a completely original job, btw). She gets some one-on-one time with Ben. She tells him she feels like she’s a guy. Hmm…that’s odd. Once again, poor Jenna drank more wine than she should have. YOU NEED TO EAT, JENNA. CHEETOS ARE YOUR FRIEND ON ROSE CEREMONY NIGHT. And once again, Jenna ends up in her bed, crying.

Someone tells Blakely off, and now she’s in the corner of the room and crying. FYI, bitches: Nobody puts Blakely in the corner. I thought I totally thought that line up, but I think Possessionista said it first. I HATE NOT BEING ON THE EAST COAST.

Ben’s noticing how the drama is making everyone emotional, so he wants to get to the bottom of it. Ben realizes why everyone hates Blakely, mostly because she’s not a good communicator. He searches the house for her, finding her in the corner. Funny, Blakely’s eyes are completely dry, her make-up flawless. Maybe Miss B wasn’t crying at all? Hmm. I smell a rat in VIP cocktail waitress’ clothing. Oddly enough, Ben leaves Blakely in the corner of the room. He then moves on to Jenna, who is huddled in the fetal position on her bed. After Ben rescues Jenna, she comes back looking chipper and cheerful.

Chris B. Harrison breaks up all the fun by announcing it’s time for THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY. EVER!!!

Before he kicks certain women to the curb, he tells the ladies how grateful he is. The feelings of love are there for him again in just two short episodes. That being said…let the dumping begin…

Hotties with Roses

1. Jennifer—See, girlfriend?! Being the first to make out with Ben really did pay off!

2. Emily—who the eff are you?

3. Elise—you look like a cross between a Real Housewife and Patty Stanger, Millionaire Matchmaker.

4. Jacklyn—She practically begs for the rose. Pathetic.

*Pans out to include several women I’m certain I’ve never before seen.

5. Erica—one of the girls I’ve never before seen.

6. Rachel—You were very uninteresting this week, Rach. You should write another wrap.

7. Horse Girl—she says, “Yes, please.” Gag me.

8. Nikki—Was she on a previous season?

9. Kasie S.—I don’t know who you are, girlfriend. You need more air time.

10. Samantha—He probably chose her because she doesn’t like drama. She’s also wearing a shirt like the ones you put on newborns with the built-in mittens so they don’t scratch themselves. BIZARRE.

11. Monica—She was far too normal this week. Someone get some booze in this biotch.

12. Jamie—YAY! My fave lives to see another week!

Final rose goes to…

13. Britni—there are too many variations of your name, girlfriend. Not sure how to spell it.

Jenna looks like she’s about to spontaneously combust, but she’s surprisingly calm when she says goodbye to Ben. She holds her boobs on the way out (WTF??). She tells the cameras that “these girls” distracted him, that they’re good. “Are you kidding me?? No, really…are you kidding me? I can’t believe this is happening. I am mortified.” No worries, Jenna. Your blog now has 12 new followers, thanks to this show.

Ben busts out another surprise for his girls—a trip to San Francisco!! Hooray! Some girl from Ben’s previous life appears out of nowhere, Britni drops a bombshell, and someone faints during the Rose Ceremony. I LOVE THIS SHOW.

Things I Thought I'd Never Have to Say to My Husband #1

2012-01-05T05:00:00.000-05:00

"Please stop licking my nose."

Yes, that really happened. Thrice.

A New Wednesday Feature! Oh My!

2012-01-04T05:00:00.001-05:00

I've decided to start a new feature on this blog. Before I chose a topic, I wanted to make sure the feature is something that is relevant and important in our society. I decided to turn to the news to help me choose this new blog segment. After flipping through several channels, it did not take me long to realize that I should be writing about America's Most Important Family. No, I am not talking about the Obamas.

I am talking about the Kardashians.

Photo found on http://tvocrats.wordpress.com/category/kardashians/

This family is basically the Windsors of the US. I mean, if the Windsors were new money and fame whores...although I guess some could argue that wench Elizabeth is.

Anyway, the breaking news this week is that Kim Kardashian said she is all about saying goodbye to 2011...and to a bare forehead. This little princess decided to go for the baby bang look in order to bring in the New Year: And since we hang on every stupid word they utter, Yahoo! actually wrote an entire article about K-Dash's new bangs.

I've decided to post this feature on Wednesdays, Hump Day, since the Kardashians have the humps that Fergie sang so lovingly about a few years ago, so make sure you check back next Wednesday to keep up with the Kardashians.

I have reached a new level of low, but at least I've realized it.

It's Baaaaack!

2012-01-03T05:00:00.000-05:00

Photo courtesy of abc.com

Last night was the first episode of the new season of The Bachelor. This season stars last season's loser, Ben. The show opened by replaying the heartbreaking moment when Trashley told Ben he wasn't the one. The rest of the introduction showed Ben doing all sorts of activities, such as kayaking with no shirt on, all while a voiceover of Ben was playing. You guys, did you know that Ben has never juggled twenty-five women before? Perhaps Ringling Bros. will offer him a spot in the circus after his season airs. Dream big, Ben! Then, the women were introduced:

1. Lindzie--aka Horse Girl. She's quite cute, and she's a lover of horses. She has finalist written all over that skinny little ass of hers, even if she decided to ride in on a horse.
2. Amber--She's from Nebraska. She likes to wear camo and shoot things. I wonder if she's ever gotten a deer with a better rack than hers? Anyway, she likes cow balls, which she describes as "messy and slimy." YUM!
3. Kasie--from Tennessee. She loved watching Ben last season. She thinks Ben is goofy and hot. She says she wants to find someone to love as much as her grandma loved her grandpa. Bo-ring!
4. Courtney--she's a model from Santa Monica. She said girls should be intimidated by her, but honestly, she was just ok.
5. Jamie--from Dryden, NY! OMG!! She's basically from my home town and she has the best name ever! Her story? She has no dad, her mom was a druggy, and she had to adopt her other siblings. OMFG, marry her now, Ben.
6. Lindsay--Her dad is a British diplomat. She's lived all over the world, and she likes to brag about it.
7. Jenna--She's a love blogger from New York City. Um, Jenna? Carrie Bradshaw called. She wants her identity back. When she met Ben, there was a really long, awkward silence. And then she tried to say something clever and it didn't work out. And she wore white after Labor Day.
8. Shawn--from Phoenix. She is a workaholic in the finance department. She has a son. *Cue the sappy, single mom music.*
9. Nicki--from Hurst, Texas. Nicki is a sexy divorcee who is wondering what life would be like with Ben. Girlfriend, I can answer that for you: you'll never sleep better because the dude is a total snoozefest.
10. Rachel--I don't know where she's from, but she told Ben her middle name is "Rose". It must be fate.
11. Erica--Chicago law student. I quote, "The verdict is in, and you are guilty...of being sexy." Dork, much? Ben says, "That's funny," whilst sounding completely bored.
12. Amber--She's from Canada and her last name is Bacon. I can't make this shit up.
13. Elise--Told Ben she's going to make him "sweat a little bit." Ok...
14. Emily--A PhD student from Chapel Hill. She gave him some hand sanitizer since she's getting her PhD in epidemiology, the study of disease. And then she kisses him. What a tramp! I love her!
15. Samantha, from Los Angeles, California, brought her stupid sash from her days as Miss Somewhere in California with her.
16. Monica, who misses her dog more than anything. Sigh.
17. Amber. She, too, said hardly nothing, left, then came back and said, "Just in case you don't believe in love at first sight, here's your second chance." LAME.
18. Holly is from Kentucky, which is why she came out wearing a big-ass hat. I want a big-ass hat.
19. Shira is an actress from LA. He-man called, Shira. He wants his sidekick back.
20. Blakely from Charlotte, North Carolina. She mumbled a lot. I've got nothin'.
21. Sheryl is from Pueblo, Colorado. She's 72 and came out in crutches. WTF? Oh, but wait! She was only there to introduce her granddaughter, Brittney. Clever one, biotch! Well done! Well done!
22. Dianna--another gal from Los Angeles. She makes an ass of herself by forgetting what she was going to say. What an idiot.
23. Jennifer--an accountant. She gave Ben a bunch of numbers. Clever, but a waste of my time, Jen. Move along, please!
24. Anna, a student, decides to just say hello and keep walking. Ben called it a bold first move.
25. Jacklyn. I don't know anything about this girl. I'm sorry, but by the time she came out, I was busy using my Neti Pot...because flushing boogers out of my nose was more entertaining than this show.

After the gals have been introduced, Rachel is the first to pounce on our man. She confesses that she left her job in order to go on the show. Um, that was stupid.

Nicki, our sexy and sweet divorcee, gets to talk to him next. Unfortunately, our little Nicki is somewhat of an idiot, so I don't think she scored any major points with the Benmeister. Horse Girl, however, won some mad points with her sassy, flirty personality.

Then the grandma, who for some reason is still hanging around, gets to talk to Ben. The granddaughter just kinda sits there and lets ole Grammy take control of the situation until Gram Gram asks B to take her to her car. It was all just so stupid.

It's around this time that I find out Rachel is a VIP Cocktail Waitress. Gee, I've never heard a stripper called that before.

Stupid Emily, the PhD candidate, really showed her brilliance by reciting a rap for Ben. The entire time she was rapping it, all I could think was how badly she needed her roots touched up.

Monica the dog lover starts a fight with Jenna the blogger. Monica is just a mean girl, or perhaps she's just drunk. And then Monica starts to put the moves on Blakeley. Monica also confessed that she had no feelings for Ben, and Jenna is in the midst of having her seventh nervous breakdown. Monica and Jenna try to make amends, but Monica is grossed out when Jenna sarcastically mentions that maybe they could share a tampon at some point. Honestly, I think Monica is just a belligerent drunk. But, as I've said before, folks, anyone who makes another girl cry in the Bachelor house is a friend of mine. Bring it, Mon!! Love you, girlfriend! And Jenna, please stop making those really bizarre facial contortions. I'm pretty sure Jenna forgot to eat more than she drank at the shindig that night. Oopsies! But I feel for Jenna, I really do. I mean, when I was in college, I used to not eat all day just so I would get drunk faster when we went out. This is yet another reason why I have the metabolism of a woman who is nine months pregnant with quadruplets. Anyway, Jenna spends the rest of the night crying in the bathroom. She probably did some purging while she was in there, too. I wonder if her blog will be successful after this?

Just as I suspected, Ben gives the Horse Girl the first impression rose. I take back all of the nice things I said about Linzie (love the sassy way in which she spells her name, tho) because I find her to be kind of annoying...and, honestly, a bit horse-like. No lie.

Finally, Ben is called into the other room to discuss the night with his new BFF, Ludachris B. Harrison. The following lay-days get roses:

1. Linzie (obvi)
2. Jamie!
3. Rachel
4. Blakeley
5. Rapper Emily
6. Casi B.
7. Casey S. (ok, um...I guess I messed up her name in the above list. I don't know which one she is)
8. Brittney
9. Erica
10. Shawn
11. Nicki
12. Jennifer
13. Elise
14. Samantha
15. Model Courtney
16. Jacklyn
17. Mean Girl Monica
18. Jenna (YAY!! MORE DRAMA!)

Next week's post will be shorter, I assure you...maybe...

Quote of the night, by Ben: "It is emotional, and love it a part of that emotion." Words of wisdom, my friends. Words of wisdom.

Better Late than Never!

2012-01-02T05:00:00.001-05:00

Ok, so this is basically a Christmas post, but I was too scared to put "Christmas" in the title of the post, because my friend Kellie threatened lives last week when everyone and their sista posted their Christmas crud. Sorry, Kel Kel. Anyhoodle!

I know you're all dying to know if I got my wonderful mixer. Of course I did! I can't wait to mix something soon. Yes, J-Tony, there is a Santa Claus, and I do know that I am now ~~screwed~~ going to mix an assortment of wonderful goodies for Hubs.

~~I am so screwed.~~

I got a bunch of other good stuff, but I don't want to come off as an even bigger selfish biotch than I already do, so I'll stop while I'm ahead.

Hubs and I spent a glorious two weeks with our family back in New York. It was totally awesomeness, mostly because all we did was sleep, visit with the peeps we love the most, and eat. I ate so much on vacation, in fact, that I can no longer dry my jeans. I need to air dry them so that they don't shrink down in the dryer, and thus shrinking to the point where they no longer fit over my fat ass. FML.

Now we're back home and reality is setting in: work starts back up today, I have no clothes that fit me, and my house looks like a bunch of looters came in to browse while we were away (in actuality, though, we're just a pair of slobs).

Anyway, I hope all of your holidays were merry and bright. I, for one, am wasting no time--I started next year's Christmas list yesterday. HOLLA!

PS: THE BACHELOR STARTS TONIGHT! THE BACHELOR STARTS TONIGHT! Let's dish on the ole blog mañana!