andersonenvy

NEW SCHOOL FILM PROJECT

andersonenvy — Tue, 29 May 2012 23:05:46 +0000

	NEW SCHOOL FILM PROJECT Student Meta Film	From: andersonenvy Views: 7 0 ratings
	Time: 03:07	More in Film & Animation

Yellow Man

andersonenvy — Thu, 24 May 2012 23:12:42 +0000

	Yellow Man This is my first short film, made in 1997. It was shot on VHS-C, and edited using two VCR's, a cassette player (for the soundtrack), and a guitar amp for the sound effects.	From: andersonenvy Views: 17 0 ratings
	Time: 07:52	More in Film & Animation

Deep Thoughts

andersonenvy — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 21:00:11 +0000

	Deep Thoughts Deep thoughts by Recon Wade Deleted Scene From Real World: Husaybuh Watch whole video at http://www.andersonenvy.com	From: andersonenvy Views: 16 0 ratings
	Time: 01:25	More in People & Blogs

Hans Zimmer Makes Everything Better (Gunsmoke Re-Edit)

andersonenvy — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 02:05:01 +0000

	Hans Zimmer Makes Everything Better (Gunsmoke Re-Edit) A re-imagined scene from Gunsmoke. I re-edited from the original footage, and added sound effects and Mother Fuckin' Hans Zimmer music so that it wouldn't suck anymore.	From: andersonenvy Views: 26 1 ratings
	Time: 04:11	More in Film & Animation

The Real World: Treehouse

andersonenvy — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 00:03:45 +0000

	The Real World: Treehouse Some sort of precursor to my Real World: Husaybuh series, this video is pretty much un-watchable.	From: andersonenvy Views: 6 0 ratings
	Time: 10:51	More in Film & Animation

Lolita Bras

andersonenvy — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 07:27:21 +0000

	Lolita Bras A short documentary about the Brooklyn band, Lolita Bras.	From: andersonenvy Views: 29 0 ratings
	Time: 06:49	More in Film & Animation

The Murder of Mark Davis

andersonenvy — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 03:36:10 +0000

	The Murder of Mark Davis Would you kill Mark Davis if you had the chance? Yeah, so would I.	From: andersonenvy Views: 29 0 ratings
	Time: 11:48	More in Film & Animation

The Greatest Movie Ever Made

andersonenvy — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 01:21:54 +0000

	The Greatest Movie Ever Made Three U.S. Marines attempt to stop an evil wizard from destroying the barracks. A film by Marines, for Marines, at DLI in Monterey, CA.	From: andersonenvy Views: 4 0 ratings
	Time: 01:00:49	More in Film & Animation

andersonenvy: All my films will screen this Sunday at Manitoba's - http://t.co/mv734Psr

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 05:33:40 +0000

andersonenvy: All my films will screen this Sunday at Manitoba's - http://t.co/mv734Psr

Let Us All Unite!

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 00:33:11 +0000

Great Dictator Remix Video Speech

Credit goes to [peop1e], 4Chan, and reddit for the inspiration.

Venus Project City System designed by Jacque Fresco
thevenusproject.com

Anonymous can be found at whatis-theplan.org

Cast: andersonenvy

Tags: Charlie Chaplin and The Great Dictator

NYC I-X

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 00:22:59 +0000

NYC I-X is an experimental documentary that utilizes the ten sign semiotic system of Charles Sanders Peirce by adopting New York City as object, New Yorkers as interpretant, and ten different scenes as the signs themselves.

Each scene is labeled according to which sign was used:

I - rhematic iconic qualisign: A feeling of New York City

II - rhematic iconic sinsign: A 'model' of New Yorkers

III - rhematic indexical sinsign: Possibilites near the subway

IV - dicent indexical sinsign: onomatopoeia: New Yorkers ignore violence

V - rhematic iconic legisign: The Empire State Building

VI - rhematic indexical legisign: The layout of New York City

VII - dicent indexical legisign: "This is New York"

VIII - rhematic symbolic legisign: The New York Times in context

IX - dicent symbolic legisign: Naming pedestrians

X - argument symbolic legisign: A proposition from an interview

Cast: andersonenvy

Tags: new york city, semiotics, charles sanders peirce, experimental, documentary, ten signs, icon, index, symbol, qualisign, sinsign, legisign, firstness, secondness, thirdness, short film, manhattan and nyc

The Madman In The Mirror

andersonenvy — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 21:44:31 +0000

	The Madman In The Mirror I don't really have much to say about this video.	From: andersonenvy Views: 386 4 ratings
	Time: 01:44	More in Film & Animation

andersonenvy: My film 'Shit Is Fucked Up And Bullshit' will screen this Friday at Fine Cuts - http://t.co/mlXbAhT4

Wed, 14 Dec 2011 15:25:47 +0000

andersonenvy: My film 'Shit Is Fucked Up And Bullshit' will screen this Friday at Fine Cuts - http://t.co/mlXbAhT4

Shit Is Fucked Up And Bullshit

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 05:14:59 +0000

This is a short film project based around the concept of memory, and uses a technique of shooting only single-frames with a Bolex film camera over the course of an entire day.

Cast: andersonenvy

Tags:

andersonenvy: My new Bolex film will screen this Friday at Mega Media Showcase - http://t.co/P365zEH7

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 23:17:21 +0000

andersonenvy: My new Bolex film will screen this Friday at Mega Media Showcase - http://t.co/P365zEH7

I've Been Us

andersonenvy — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 03:44:36 +0000

	I've Been Us A short film	From: andersonenvy Views: 62 1 ratings
	Time: 11:39	More in Film & Animation

Fucked Up Shit Is Bullshit

andersonenvy — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 15:35:16 +0000

	Fucked Up Shit Is Bullshit This clip attempts to show how the cinematic image has the ability to create an impression of time, and the ability to produce an experience that literature and theatre can not. It also attempts to capture an image in time that the filmmaker would not be able to "see" until after it was shot, which is rarely accomplished in video. It also demonstrates how time can be represented in film by exposing and exploiting the camera and the filmmaker, which accentuates the fact that the piece has been constructed all in one shot.	From: andersonenvy Views: 148 0 ratings
	Time: 03:31	More in Film & Animation

Shit Is Fucked Up And Bullshit

andersonenvy — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 14:49:23 +0000

	Shit Is Fucked Up And Bullshit This is a short film project based around the concept of memory, and uses a technique of shooting only single-frames with a Bolex film camera over the course of an entire day. The reason I was interested in the concept of memory is that I have often struggled with addiction, which has caused frequent lapses in memory for me. I thought that this film could not only incorporate that topic, but (by using the indexicality of film) also be used as a genuine tool for me to look back and remember the day and my experience of creating it.	From: andersonenvy Views: 318 5 ratings
	Time: 05:15	More in Film & Animation

andersonenvy: All my films will screen at the KGB Bar this Friday: http://t.co/Q055aSeH

Thu, 20 Oct 2011 15:51:54 +0000

andersonenvy: All my films will screen at the KGB Bar this Friday: http://t.co/Q055aSeH

15 Minutes

andersonenvy — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 18:52:44 +0000

	15 Minutes Jerry's daughter is kidnapped and he only has 15 minutes to get $250,000,000. Original music by: Trace, San Jaya Prime, Mushuto, and Kenneth Anderson	From: andersonenvy Views: 331 1 ratings
	Time: 22:02	More in Film & Animation

andersonenvy: My film 'NYC I-X' will screen this weekend as part of the Alphabet City Film Festival - http://t.co/csgHjcB

Mon, 08 Aug 2011 18:27:47 +0000

andersonenvy: My film 'NYC I-X' will screen this weekend as part of the Alphabet City Film Festival - http://t.co/csgHjcB

NYC I-X

andersonenvy — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 14:15:53 +0000

	NYC I-X NYC I-X is an experimental documentary that utilizes the ten sign semiotic system of Charles Sanders Peirce by adopting New York City as object, New Yorkers as interpretant, and ten different scenes as the signs themselves. Each scene is labeled according to which sign was used: I - rhematic iconic qualisign: A feeling of New York City II - rhematic iconic sinsign: A 'model' of New Yorkers III - rhematic indexical sinsign: Possibilites near the subway IV - dicent indexical sinsign: onomatopoeia: New Yorkers ignore violence V - rhematic iconic legisign: The Empire State Building VI - rhematic indexical legisign: The layout of New York City VII - dicent indexical legisign: "This is New York" VIII - rhematic symbolic legisign: The New York Times in context IX - dicent symbolic legisign: Naming pedestrians X - argument symbolic legisign: A proposition from an interview	From: andersonenvy Views: 1898 26 ratings
	Time: 06:09	More in Film & Animation

andersonenvy: My film 'NYC I-X' will screen this Thursday in Garwood, NJ - http://t.co/6HGRYV1

Mon, 20 Jun 2011 17:39:44 +0000

andersonenvy: My film 'NYC I-X' will screen this Thursday in Garwood, NJ - http://t.co/6HGRYV1

Veterans Affairs

andersonenvy — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 16:32:01 +0000

	Veterans Affairs A soldier visits Times Square and discovers a strange body that turns his world upside-down. His only escape from the painful noise of this new world is alcohol. After crossing paths with more strange characters, the intoxicated soldier gives in and becomes another homeless veteran haunting the streets of New York.	From: andersonenvy Views: 412 6 ratings
	Time: 13:49	More in Film & Animation

Let Us All Unite!

andersonenvy — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 09:47:01 +0000

	Let Us All Unite! This is Charlie Chaplin's speech from The Great Dictator edited with "Time" by Hans Zimmer from the Inception Soundtrack. Credit goes to [peop1e], 4Chan, and reddit for the inspiration. Venus Project City System designed by Jacque Fresco http://www.thevenusproject.com Anonymous can be found at http://whatis-theplan.org NOTE: Some people have offered to translate this speech into other languages for Closed Captions/Subtitles. If you'd like to translate it, you can download this SRT file: http://andersonenvy.com/upload/youtube/let_us_all_unite.srt.zip Simply download and unzip the file, and open it in any text editor. Leave the numbers alone, and only translate the English speech into your language. Then just save the file. (If you 'Save As' ensure UTF-8 Encoding is selected) Then send me an email and attach the SRT file. Here is my email address: andersonenvy@andersonenvy.com As I get translations, I'll add them to the video. So far we have: - Arabic - Armenian - Dutch - English - Esperanto - French - Finnish - German - Greek - Norwegian - Polish - Portuguese (Brazilian) - Romanian - Serbian - Slovak - Spanish (Latin America) - Swedish Thanks to everyone who offered to translate the speech. This is Chaplin's speech in English: "I'm sorry but I don't want to be an Emperor, that's not my business. I don't want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone if possible, Jew, gentile, black man, white. We all want to help one another, human beings are like that. We want to live by each other's happiness, not by each other's misery. We don't want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone and the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful. But we have lost the way. Greed has poisoned men's souls, has barricaded the world with hate; has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed. We have developed speed but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical, our cleverness hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery we need humanity. More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost. The aeroplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men, cries out for universal brotherhood, for the unity of us all. Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world, millions of despairing men, women and little children, victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people. To those who can hear me I say "Do not despair". The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed, the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress: the hate of men will pass and dictators die and the power they took from the people, will return to the people and so long as men die liberty will never perish. Soldiers: don't give yourselves to brutes, men who despise you, enslave you, who regiment your lives, tell you what to do, what to think and what to feel, who drill you, diet you, treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder. Don't give yourselves to these unnatural men, machine men, with machine minds and machine hearts. You are not machines. You are not cattle. You are men. You have the love of humanity in your hearts. You don't hate, only the unloved hate. Only the unloved and the unnatural. Soldiers: don't fight for slavery, fight for liberty. In the seventeenth chapter of Saint Luke it is written: "The kingdom of God is within man" Not one man, nor a group of men, but in all men; in you, you the people have the power, the power to create machines, the power to create happiness. You the people have the power to make life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure. Then in the name of democracy let us use that power, let us all unite. Let us fight for a new world, a decent world that will give men a chance to work, that will give youth a future, and old aged security. By the promise of these things, brutes have risen to power, but they lie. They do not fulfill that promise, they never will. Dictators free themselves but they enslave the people. Now let us fight to fulfill that promise. Let us fight to free the world, to do away with national barriers, do away with greed, with hate and intolerance. Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all men's happiness. Soldiers! In the name of democracy, let us all unite!"	From: andersonenvy Views: 188045 4803 ratings
	Time: 04:05	More in Film & Animation

andersonenvy: My film 'The Fridge' will screen at BWAC this Saturday: http://on.fb.me/m8igpA

Fri, 27 May 2011 02:11:10 +0000

andersonenvy: My film 'The Fridge' will screen at BWAC this Saturday: http://on.fb.me/m8igpA

andersonenvy: I will be on "News Close-Up" this Sunday at 6AM on Channel 11

Fri, 20 May 2011 13:51:12 +0000

andersonenvy: I will be on "News Close-Up" this Sunday at 6AM on Channel 11

andersonenvy: My film 'VOICEMAIL' will screen this Friday night at Tishman Auditorium - http://bit.ly/kXxmMz

Wed, 11 May 2011 14:31:21 +0000

andersonenvy: My film 'VOICEMAIL' will screen this Friday night at Tishman Auditorium - http://bit.ly/kXxmMz

Time Lapse Test (3)

andersonenvy — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 01:48:50 +0000

	Time Lapse Test (3) Test shots	From: andersonenvy Views: 574 6 ratings
	Time: 00:12	More in Film & Animation

Time Lapse Test (2)

andersonenvy — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 01:36:00 +0000

	Time Lapse Test (2) Test shots. Kinda looks like he shit his pants though.	From: andersonenvy Views: 689 5 ratings
	Time: 00:31	More in Film & Animation

Time Lapse Test (1)

andersonenvy — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 00:18:58 +0000

	Time Lapse Test (1) Test shots	From: andersonenvy Views: 552 2 ratings
	Time: 00:19	More in Film & Animation

andersonenvy: I'm introducing Evil Dead at First Features tonight - http://bit.ly/fQYw2y

Fri, 22 Apr 2011 22:52:46 +0000

andersonenvy: I'm introducing Evil Dead at First Features tonight - http://bit.ly/fQYw2y

Veterans Affairs

Sun, 17 Apr 2011 02:50:19 +0000

A solider visits Times Square and his world is turned upside down.

Cast: andersonenvy

Tags: short, film, veteran, army, homeless, alcohol, times square, new york and new school

How we drink beer in Amana, Iowa (2)

andersonenvy — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 19:44:27 +0000

	How we drink beer in Amana, Iowa (2) Straight from the Millstream Brewing Company in the historic Amana Iowa Colonies. Our Schild Brau Amber beer will ward off any liberal, devil worshipping hippies and female floozies. This is how we drink beer in Amana, Iowa!	From: andersonenvy Views: 130 2 ratings
	Time: 02:38	More in Entertainment

How we drink beer in Amana, Iowa (1)

andersonenvy — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 19:33:02 +0000

	How we drink beer in Amana, Iowa (1) Straight from the Millstream Brewing Company in the historic Amana Iowa Colonies. Our Schild Brau Amber beer will ward off any liberal, devil worshipping hippies and female floozies. This is how we drink beer in Amana, Iowa!	From: andersonenvy Views: 160 1 ratings
	Time: 01:07	More in Entertainment

andersonenvy: My film 'Veterans Affairs' will screen this Friday night at The New School Film Festival

Mon, 28 Mar 2011 22:33:19 +0000

andersonenvy: My film 'Veterans Affairs' will screen this Friday night at The New School Film Festival

Ultimate Guide for Tipping in New York City

Fri, 25 Mar 2011 08:21:48 +0000

Tipping is one of the most asinine things in American culture. Unfortunately, however, it is a necessity. This is because most of these service industry low-lives are getting paid like minors, and count on your tips to pay the rent. Also, stiffing certain people will guarantee disaster for you later. However, it does suck to feel ripped-off because you tipped too much.

These are not be-all-end-all tipping rules, but rather the best way to get by in NYC in my experience. Since I am not a wealthy socialite frequenting day spas and operas, I may have left some of those high-end tipping etiquettes off my list. Here we go...

Cab Drivers

$1.00 + Change

So, if the fare is $9.70, you give him $11.00. The reason these Pakistanis tear through the streets, running red lights to get you to your meeting on time, is that they want a tip. Well, that, and they want more customers to get more tips.

It's not an easy job and the NYC cab drivers are usually on point: knowing the best shortcuts and tactics to save you time (which is probably why you're taking a taxi anyway). They make the city run, and ensure less traffic on the streets. This is not a negotiation: even if he drives slow or goes the wrong way, he's probably just new.

There are two exceptions:

Borough to borough: A trip to Brooklyn is $2.00 plus change.

Airports: $3.00 plus change. This way, he'll take your bags out of the trunk, making you look like a boss.

Deli Guys

$0.00

Yes, the deli guy has a tip jar, but it's only for suckers. Even if he hooks you up with a monster sandwich, he doesn't expect a tip. He is being paid a fair amount already, and, let's face it - he has an easier job than his delivery guy compadres.

The exception to this rule is if you frequent the deli. If this is your deli, and you get sandwiches at least twice a week, it's best to drop a dollar in the jar every 3 or 4 sandwiches. Be sure, however, that the deli is not packed with other customers, and that his back is not turned. He must see you drop the dollar in his jar.

A good rule of thumb is tipping the deli you frequent only when it's dead. This is important because he will be sure to make your sandwiches first and remember your stupid requests.

Delivery Guys

$2.00 Plus Change

You have to tip these guys. This is the worst job in the food industry.

They bust their ass walking up stairs, finding impossible locations, and riding their bike through NYC traffic while wearing a silly neon vest. Not to mention, although they don't remember the apartments that tip, they do remember the apartments that don't. If you stiff the delivery guy, be prepared to wait an hour next time you order from that place.

Bad weather = $4.00 plus change.

Waiters

20%

I don't care if it's the worst service you ever had, tip that bastard 20%.

If he was a true asshole, he wouldn't have a job in NYC as a waiter. Maybe he's having a bad day? Maybe he's busy? Who cares?

Waiters are the life blood of the city. Believe it or not, most of them have aspirations besides serving you lousy pasta. These are the actors, singers, artists, and musicians that make New York great, and they count on your tips to keep doing the things they love to do.

Not to mention, if you forget your bag in the restaurant, that tip is going to guarantee he puts it in the lost and found.

Bartenders

$1.00 Per Drink

Some people would say: Only tip the bartender for your first drink. But they are complete buffoons.

If you tip $1.00 per drink, you'll get a free drink for every five you order. Therefore, you're actually saving money. Not to mention, if a fight breaks out, wouldn't you want the staff on your side?

Speaking of free drinks - if the bartender gives you a free drink: the rule is the same. $1.00. Not $2.00. Not $3.00. $1.00 for every drink that goes into your hand. Period. (Unless you're really drunk and forgot what money is)

The exception to this rule is a packed dance club: If you just paid a $35 cover, and are now paying $14 for a mixed drink, there is no need to tip. They won't remember you anyway.

Bathroom Guys

$1.00 The First Time You Go

Unlike bartenders, the bathroom guy should only be tipped the first time you go.

Sure, their job sucks (quite possibly the worst job in the service industry), but let's face it - they're not really going anywhere with their lives. They've basically given up. You shouldn't feel bad for them at all.

Stiffing these guys is not cheap. Did you ask this bastard to turn on the faucet? Did you ask him to hand you a towel? No. But he did it anyway. It's actually more awkward than anything.

He will, however, remember your face. It's best to throw him a dollar the first time you piss, to make a good first impression on the off-chance you need a drunken favor in the bathroom later (no homo, I'm talking about letting you do coke).

Bouncers

$0.00

If you have to pay off the bouncer to get inside of a club, it's probably not a good idea to even enter. You don't fit in and there's a reason you're not invited.

Any decent bouncer wouldn't take your measly $20.00 anyway.

If you really must get into that club, and aren't with any hot chicks, why not get creative? Have your buddy run a diversion while you scope out the names on the list. Then return later, saying your name is the one you spied.

Pizza Guys

$0.00

Quite often, the guy putting your pizza in the oven is the owner of the shop. This means that he is probably making more money than you do. So why give him even more?

Even if he is not the owner, putting pizza in an oven and taking it back out is not qualitative work. No one says "Damn, that pizza guy really knows how to throw a slice in the oven!" This job is the same across the board. No one pizza guy is better than another at it, which negates the entire purpose behind tipping.

Tipping these guys would be like tipping an assembly line worker.

(Note: Scummy Chinese food joints and other ethnic/culturally specific "joints" do not need tips either)

Baristas

$1.00

This one is tough. Normally I'd advise not to tip these slackers, but convention has defeated me.

If you don't tip in trendy coffee shops, you will look like a complete asshole to everyone else in line. To me, the dollar is worth it. Not to mention, if you plan on hanging out there and using their wi-fi like a yuppie you might want the barista to fix it if it goes down.

The exception, obviously, is chain coffee. I have no idea why someone would tip at Starbucks or Dunkin' Donuts. All that does is encourage the government to lower minimum wage.

Street Vendors

$0.00

You'd think this would be obvious, but I've actually seen these guys with tip jars lately.

Ok, so, the guy hands you a pre-heated hot dog. He is selling it for $2.00. He then tries to rip you off on water by also selling that for $2.00. You will never see him again in your life, and even if you do, there is no way he would ever remember you. He has no boss and pockets all his profits.

Oddly enough, they have dollars in their jars. Tipping street vendors is about as low as you can go.

Door Men

$1.00 Per Cab Hailed

If you're staying at a New York hotel, the doorman will hail you a cab. When he does, give him $1.00. That's the understanding.

If you live in a building with a doorman, ask the neighbors what the custom is. Often, the neighbors will take up a collection and then divvy it up amongst the staff at Christmas time. If they don't do that, you live in the ghetto, so you should give each guy $20.00 the week before Christmas. They will remember you and let you have wasted friends over anytime.

Only an idiot would give him a dollar each time he opens the door. That is just his normal job. Everything else he does is extra, and worth the money.

Bellboys

$2.00

If you're too lazy to carry your own bags, be prepared to tip, or avoid the lobby for the rest of your stay.

Some say you should tip bellhops $1.00 per suitcase, but I say that is too much, unless you have a bag of bricks or something.

If you're staying in a hotel, the bellhop will assume you are from out of town, and don't know the procedure. Giving him $2.00 is meeting him halfway. He probably gets $5.00 from some guests, and $1.00 from others. $2.00 is that sweet spot where you can feel like a decent member of society, but also feel like you weren't ripped-off.

(Note: If you're staying in the hotel for a few days, you might wish to leave $5.00 for the maid when you leave in the morning to ensure a clean room, but this is unnecessary. The room will not be any cleaner for your tip.)

Parking Attendants

$1.00 If You Drive a Nice Car

According to the Internet, parking attendants make only $23,000/year. But guess that? Parking in NYC costs $23/hour. No one wins.

The rule is simple: if you drive a nice car - and by nice I mean a car that is currently worth $25,000 or more, you should tip the parking attendant $1.00 upon arrival. You can probably afford a dollar to ensure it won't get scratched.

If you drive a p.o.s., tipping is completely optional - you're already paying more money than you have to these vampires.

(Note: It should go without saying that fancy valet guys get $1.00 per car move regardless)

Building Super

$40.00 at Christmas

If you live in a co-op like most New Yorkers, and your neighbors don't take a collection at Christmas, get ready to lose $40.00. The good news is that if you have a roommate, you can split it.

Your building supervisor is one of the most important assets you have. What if the toilet overflows on a Sunday? What if the heat goes out in the middle of the night? Who's phone call do you think he'll answer?

These guys are typically hard-ass veteran New Yorkers, and will probably never be your friend, but you don't want to make them your enemy. Sure, they're annoying as fuck, talking your ear off about pipes and cracks and blah, blah, blah, but you need them on your side. Do you really want to get yelled at for flicking cigarette butts on the front steps?

The week before Christmas, pick up a family-oriented Happy Holidays card, and write "Happy Holidays to (name) and your family." Then include a compliment. Perhaps "Thank you so much for fixing my sink last May. It's worked great ever since!"...or... "My apartment is always the right temperature, and the hallways are always so clean. Thank you for keeping our building in great shape!" Then put $40.00 inside, seal it, and put it under his door.

Hairdressers

$5.00

I can't really speak for women who get $300 hair coloring, but in my experience, a simple handshake/hand-off of a five dollar bill goes a long way.

The reason tipping is a must here, is that if you like your haircut, you will return to that salon. If you happened to stiff them the last time, why would they give a shit this time? You'll end up looking like a suburban for the next month if they don't put any effort into the cut.

Work it out, if you get very expensive haircuts, tip even more, but this is one person that needs to be tipped for your own sake.

(Note: I have never had a manicure/facial/etc, but I assume the exact same rules apply)

Laundry Guys

$20.00 at Christmas

This is the guy who washes the cum stains out of your socks and then matches them one pair at a time. He knows more about you than most.

The week before Christmas, go to Duane Reade and pick up a Happy Holidays card. Put $20.00 inside and a handwritten "Thank You".

Or would you rather him "lose" your favorite jeans and bleach your work shirts?

Coat Check

$1.00

Coat check actually depends on where you are, so look out for a tip jar. If you see a jar, put a dollar in it.

Some places with huge amounts of traffic, like museums, won't have a jar, so don't tip them. Don't make the embarrassing move of trying to hand them money.

Why tip the coat check you ask? Well, in a small venue, they are probably friends with the owner, and volunteering their time to do it, hoping to at least get a few bucks for their trouble. Carrying your coat through a party makes you look like a fuck-up, so just pony up like everyone else and give them the dollar.

(Hint: do this when you arrive, not when you leave, which would miss the point of them guarding your shit)

Masseuses

$10.00 (or $30.00 for Happy Ending)

To be honest, they probably only expect a $5.00 tip, but just think about how much that job would suck: Sweaty, hairy men turn up at all hours of the night and moan and groan and order these women where to rub them next.

Most of them are probably victims of human trafficking, and have no real skills or choice in the matter, so why not give them a little sense of achievement in their lives?

If you get a happy ending out of the deal, give her an extra $20.00, making $30.00.

Hookers

$0.00

These days, there aren't many prostitutes roaming the streets of New York: it's all done online.

Since you'll be calling to arrange the rates and directions anyway, it's best to sort out the tip over the phone as well. When they say the rate, act like it's too expensive and you aren't sure you can afford it -- then ask, "Does that include tip?" They will say it does. This way there's no confusion.

Tipping a hooker is absolutely pointless, anyway, unless you plan on seeing them again. It's all done via barter system, and you'll simply get what you pay for. Just be sure that when you show up, you have the exact rate in cash in your wallet. Hide your cab fare, or they might ask for it as a tip.

Homeless People

$0.00

Every once in awhile in New York, some homeless guy will hold a door open for you, sing for you, or try to wash your windshield, and then expect money for it.

Fuck. That.

Giving these outcasts money is worse than flushing it down the toilet. At least flushing it doesn't cause more harm. These people need serious help, and buying more Old English won't solve their problems.

If he opens the door for you and you feel bad, buy him a bag of chips. Buy him a coffee. But do not give him money. He will buy beer and then piss in the trash can in front of children.

andersonenvy: 'Semiotic Self-Portrait' will screen in Greenpoint on Thursday: http://nameinwhite.eventbrite.com/

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 19:53:24 +0000

andersonenvy: 'Semiotic Self-Portrait' will screen in Greenpoint on Thursday: http://nameinwhite.eventbrite.com/

andersonenvy: My film 'Semiotic Self-Portrait' will screen at the February RUFF CUTS

Sun, 06 Feb 2011 18:09:22 +0000

andersonenvy: My film 'Semiotic Self-Portrait' will screen at the February RUFF CUTS

andersonenvy: 'Veterans Affairs' will screen this week at Reuben's 'Name in White' event. Google it.

Tue, 01 Feb 2011 07:27:50 +0000

andersonenvy: 'Veterans Affairs' will screen this week at Reuben's 'Name in White' event. Google it.

andersonenvy: 2011 http://www.myspace.com/video/andersonenvy/2011/107379498

Thu, 20 Jan 2011 22:21:29 +0000

andersonenvy: 2011 http://www.myspace.com/video/andersonenvy/2011/107379498

andersonenvy: NYC I-X is screening tonight in the East Village - http://twitpic.com/3rhuk9

Wed, 19 Jan 2011 18:03:25 +0000

andersonenvy: NYC I-X is screening tonight in the East Village - http://twitpic.com/3rhuk9

Semiotic Self-Portrait (Part 2)

andersonenvy — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 18:52:22 +0000

	Semiotic Self-Portrait (Part 2) This is a self-portrait using the categories of firstness, secondness, and thirdness as imagined by Charles Sanders Peirce (theory of signs), with a focus on audio from my voice mails. The semiotic object is me, and the interpretant is anyone who doesn't know me.	From: andersonenvy Views: 170 4 ratings
	Time: 06:48	More in Film & Animation

Grand Central Terminal before Thanksgiving

andersonenvy — Thu, 25 Nov 2010 10:47:10 +0000

	Grand Central Terminal before Thanksgiving Some footage of Grand Central Terminal in New York the day before Thanksgiving (11/24/10) when everyone leaves. It actually wasn't quite as busy as I thought it would be. Obviously I have too much time on my hands to make such a video.	From: andersonenvy Views: 106 1 ratings
	Time: 02:55	More in Travel & Events

andersonenvy: NYC I-X is screening tonight at 7PM at The New School (12th St btwn 5th and 6th) http://twitpic.com/34586j

Fri, 05 Nov 2010 17:17:19 +0000

andersonenvy: NYC I-X is screening tonight at 7PM at The New School (12th St btwn 5th and 6th) http://twitpic.com/34586j

andersonenvy: My new short film about NYC will open for Zenith this Friday at midnight. You can purchase tickets here: http://tiny.cc/1pz0q

Wed, 06 Oct 2010 23:44:25 +0000

andersonenvy: My new short film about NYC will open for Zenith this Friday at midnight. You can purchase tickets here: http://tiny.cc/1pz0q

andersonenvy: test post please ignore

Sun, 26 Sep 2010 09:19:59 +0000

andersonenvy: test post please ignore

Do You Know What Zenith Means?

andersonenvy — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 21:59:16 +0000

	Do You Know What Zenith Means? This is the second part of Ed Crowley's first tape. I found it in the Illumination Book Store. It's also online at http://www.stopzenith.com	From: andersonenvy Views: 386 3 ratings
	Time: 00:15	More in Entertainment

andersonenvy: Great success today on the ATS game I designed: http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread607566/pg1

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 21:34:52 +0000

andersonenvy: Great success today on the ATS game I designed: http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread607566/pg1

???

andersonenvy — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 00:56:12 +0000

	??? This is a "preview" for my new short film. More info here: http://www.andersonenvy.com	From: andersonenvy Views: 46 1 ratings
	Time: 01:05	More in Entertainment