I’ve been taught and have learned well to charm my way into their good graces. When I was a young woman, I flirted and made myself appealing. I believed that my ability to stay in their good graces was important to my success in life.

I looked up to men as though they were smarter, stronger and more worldly. I charmed my way into and out of uncomfortable situations. And I seldom questioned my role.

Questioning My Role, Years Later…

I wasn’t a feminist. I didn’t burn my bras or march on the front lines of the fledgling women’s movement in the 1960s though I had friends who did. I just used the skills that seemed to me to work. They had worked for my mother whose charm was incandescent and they worked for me.

But now, late in life, my veneer of charm has worn thin. I no longer to want to play up to men who take up more than their share of the space, power and airtime. I’ve become impatient and less willing to work around their out-sized egos.

I find myself struggling to make sense of the change in my attitude.

Getting Off the Patriarchal Merry-go-Round

Then recently in the Book Review section of The New York Times, I read a review by Toni Bentley that captured the complex truth I am wrestling with. She writes:

A man has always been a woman’s best excuse to avoid her destiny: that a man is her destiny is one of patriarchy’s most pernicious tenets. What a scam.

Her words captured the complicity of many women, myself included, in the “patriarchal merry-go-round.” We have tended to do men’s bidding in small ways and large. We hesitate to stand up and say “NO,” not just to inappropriate sexual advances, but to their expectations that we behave in a way that supports their patriarchal dominion.

Toni Bentley’s article ends this way:

Until women realize our pre-eminence, and act accordingly, with its inherent responsibilities, we will never get a grip on our own happiness. Might we shift our thinking, reorder our priorities and discipline our minds in our affairs with men? Can we change ourselves? If we did, the world would change too.

Amen!

Quotations drawn from Consumed, a review of Three Women by Lisa Taddeo in the Book Review section of the New York Times on August 11, 2019.

The post Women and Men: Complicity and Possibility appeared first on Andrea Kihlstedt.

That’s a simple question. But I don’t have a dog. Never have.

He thought I was someone else.

I knew who he thought I was. Another white woman also walks in the park which is largely populated by black and brown people. She has a big black poodle. She and I are both white and we’re both on the slim side. But from my perspective, we look very different. She’s blond. My hair is salt and pepper. She’s mid-50s and I’m mid-70s. She’s short. I’m tall.

But to the black man in the park, the fact that we are both white women made us easy to confuse.

So I Started a Conversation About Race

Rather than letting his error go, I decided to call his attention to it.  “No,” said I. “I am a white woman, but not the one with the dog. She’s blond and way younger. Other people have made that mistake too. And it always makes me laugh.”

The man apologized as though he had done something wrong. But when I told him that I’ve done the same thing, not differentiating black people even when they look quite different, he looked relieved. And both of us agreed that we often miss simple identity clues when dealing with people of different races. Our open conversation turned what can be a racially charged issue into a point of common understanding.

I’m glad I brought it up. The next time I see him in the park with his dog, he’ll know who I am and I’ll know who he is too!

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Risk Having a Conversation about Race

Conversations about race can be scary. They can lead to misunderstandings and ill will. But when you see an opportunity to speak with people about race in a way that is open and warm-hearted, take the risk and broach the subject. Through little conversations like the one I had in the park, you have a chance to break down barriers and build relationships across racial lines.

Share your ideas about how you might approach a conversation about race in the comments below. Or, head on over to Facebook and share your thoughts there.

The post I’m Not THAT White Woman: Starting a Conversation About Race appeared first on Andrea Kihlstedt.

Or do you just give up and let your shoulders curve forward?

If so, your back probably aches or at least twinges. If it doesn’t yet, it probably will!

Advice to Improve Your Seated Posture

This week, my friend Carole passed on to me a wonderful, simple tip about sitting that’s transformed my posture.

Sit as though you still had a tail.

When you imagine letting the tail you once had extend behind you, you’ll find yourself sitting on the front part of your pelvic bones. And voila…your shoulders will naturally be upright.

More Good Sitting Advice

I believe that Carole got this tip from NPR. I haven’t been able to find it on their site, but I did find another great read on sitting:

Can’t Get Comfortable In Your Chair? Here’s What You Can Do »

Check it out!

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Sit as Though You Had a Tail

When you sit down at your desk, imagine that you had a tail and rather than sitting on it, let it extend right through the back of your chair. Notice what happens to your posture.

Definitely give this odd (but life-changing) tip a try. It could be just what you (and your back) need.

Share your ideas in the comments below. Or, head on over to Facebook and share your ideas there.

The post Improve Your Posture – Sit as Though You Had a Tail! appeared first on Andrea Kihlstedt.

Common Sexual Politics of a Married Couple

Here’s what I believe to be a common internal refrain for many married women in mid-life.

My husband doesn’t satisfy my need for a soul-mate… someone I can have intimate conversations with. Really, the only time we talk is when there’s conflict. What I want is a partner with whom I can talk about my feelings and beliefs and desires.

But with my husband? None of that. The distance between us feels like a chasm. I feel painfully alone even (especially) when we’re together.

So when he wants sex, I’m not in the mood. When all we are is angry with each other, that’s not conducive to my feeling sexy. When we are better at being unkind than kind to one another, why in heaven’s name should I want to have sex with him?

I know he’s hungry for sex. And I know he feels rejected when I turn him down. But for me, sex doesn’t work well when it’s only physical. It’s got to be more than that.

This morning, I had coffee with a young friend of mine and when I asked her how she and her husband were doing, out came her version of the story above.

I just want to be able to talk to him.

She said this with tears in her eyes. Then she added:

The only kind of intimacy he knows is sexual.

What to Do? Set a Regular Date for Sex

I remember when that refrain pounded in my mind. When every day that question about sex somehow tainted every interaction I had with my husband. And I had a suggestion for my young friend.

Though women through the centuries have withheld sex as a potent form of control, it’s better for a marriage if you can find a way to remove the possibility that one partner or the other will be rejected. One way to do that is to set regular dates for sex.

You might tie your sex dates to the phases of the moon, or particular days and times of the month. When you make an agreement and stick to it, the anxieties over sex go down. It may seem cold and calculating, but it can be very helpful.

No longer will the whether-or-not question be on both of your minds every day. You’ll know. It’s Friday — time for sex!

Shift the Conversation and Have Some Fun

You can take it a step farther by assigning one partner or the other the job of setting the tone of the date on a particular day.

For example, a partner might decide to cook a wonderful dinner to set the mood, or get a baby sitter and a hotel room, or strew the bed with rose petals. You might also think about costumes or a host of other experimental opportunities. You might alternate who gets to design your sex date. You can set rules of engagement that work for you both. (I’ll bet your partner will be happy to talk about that with you! :))

When you shift your question from whether or not you’ll have sex to when and how you might turn it into a creatively planned event, the corrosive sexual politics will likely recede.

Will you be able to find your conversational soul-mate?  Perhaps. But even if you don’t, a creative partnership isn’t a bad substitute.

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Try Planning a Regular Sex Date

Talk to your partner about planning a specific regular day and time for sex and inject a little creativity into the occasion to have some fun. Without any resentment or strings attached, you might very well find a much more intimate relationship — both sexually and emotionally.

Could this work for your marriage? Share your thoughts in the comments below. Or head on over to Facebook and share your ideas there.

The post How to Turn Corrosive Sexual Politics into a Creative Adventure appeared first on Andrea Kihlstedt.

That book had a profound effect on me. Rather than thinking about my life as something that happens to me, I realized that I could think intentionally about shaping and reshaping my life. I started to see my life as a giant improvisation performed on a stage of my own making.

Shaping the Story of Your Life

It turns out that not only can you compose your life as you live it, but you can compose the life you’ve lived by shaping the stories about it that you wish to tell.

At the end of the lecture last week, the moderator encouraged each of us in the audience to try telling our life stories in two different ways:

1. One story was to highlight the discontinuity of your life.
2. The other was to feature its continuity.

Trying out each storytelling approach

I had come to the talk with two friends and we decided to try the exercise over dinner. And so, over a long and fascinating meal and many glasses of wine, we regaled each other with our life stories.

In the first story, we highlighted the discontinuity of our lives — the shifts and pivots and disruptions. In the second story we featured the through-lines from our lives that wove together the parts. Both versions were grounded in reality.

In the couple of hours  I spent with my friends, I learned more about them than I had ever known. We were all three glued to the conversation and by the end of the evening, we had come to see one another in new and remarkable ways.

Victim vs. Agency

As I listened to their stories and related my own, I realized that when each of us told our life stories from the point of view of disruptions, we positioned ourselves as victims of circumstance. But when we highlighted continuity, we saw ourselves as agents who had composed our lives around our interests, abilities and passions.

When I used the same exercise with my husband the next night, I found that I could make up the story of my life in many ways — each of them would be true and each of them would capture something quite different and revealing. And depending on which story I choose to tell, I see myself quite differently.

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Tell Two Very Different Stories of Your Life

If you want to have a fascinating evening, invite a partner or friends to join you in relating your life stories in two ways — from the perspective of discontinuity and from the perspective of the continuum. Then, discuss how the different stories about the same life reshape the way you think about yourself. You’ll get to know your friends better and you may wind up thinking about the life you’ve lived quite differently.

Remember, you get to compose your life as you live it. But you can always recompose it after the fact!

Share your ideas in the comments below. Or, head on over to Facebook and share your story there.

The post Two Ways to Tell Your Life Story appeared first on Andrea Kihlstedt.

Stuck in Your Ways?

No matter how old you are or how stuck in your ways you feel, you can master new skills and change the way your body and mind work.  You’ve just got to decide that’s what you want to do.

Some months ago, I decided to learn how to jump rope. My daughter Rya sent me a jump rope and I hesitantly took it to the gym.  I started by doing the old two jumps to one rope turn and managed three of them before stumbling on the rope and feeling short of breath.

It felt daunting. I even wrote a post about it!

But three or four days a week, I tried again.

Step-by-Step to Mastering Something New

I continued to try … and I slowly improved. I got to 10 skips and then 20 and then 50 without tripping on the rope. That felt like a huge accomplishment.

And now, some months later, I can jump rope with enough ease to go for a minute or two at a time and even doing a few tricks.

What started out feeling just about impossible now feels easy. I actually look forward to my jump rope practice.

And, amazingly enough, at the gym, I now see other women getting jump ropes and building their skills.

My First Pull-Up at 73!

And now, I’m on to the next thing — pull ups.

Never in my life have I been able to do a pull up. Not even close! But I’ve decided that I’d like to conquer that feat next. And after a week of working on building those muscles, I can tell that I’m already walking taller, standing straighter and getting closer.

I’ll post a video when I can do one. Don’t hold your breath because it won’t be soon. But I’ve decided and will have fun making little, incremental progress. And then one day — boom, up I’ll go!

You Just Have to Decide

Honestly, mastering a new skill turns out to be the easy part. Making a decision to master a new skill is not so easy.

But once you make the decision and really commit yourself to your goal, there are few things more rewarding and exciting than to see yourself actually make short term (and then long term) progress.

Imagine what you could do!

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What Skill Would You Like to Master?

Is there a skill you’d like to master that seems out of reach? Can you imagine working on it little by little? Pick something — anything that’s been on your personal agenda. Figure out how to start working on building the skill. Focus on the fun of progress, rather than the frustration of not having reached the goal. And watch as little by little your skills and strength grow.

Share your skill below as a sort of online commitment to it. Or, jump rope your way on over to Facebook and share your plans there.

The post The Joy of Mastering New Skills at Any Age appeared first on Andrea Kihlstedt.

Why?

Because every time I sat down to write, what came out bored me. I was writing because I thought I should — because I thought you were expecting something. I wasn’t writing because I had something that burbled up that I wanted to share with you.

My wonderful webmaster, Brian, nudged me gently every week. “Andrea,” he’d email, “do you have a TRY THIS post for this week?” I’d feel a twinge of guilt, but no new idea would light me up with enough energy to motivate a new post.

Until now … when my ideas seem to be flowing again.

3 Ideas to Help Refill Your Creative Well

Here are three right ideas I’d like to share with you right off the bat.

Idea 1: Let the ideas find you!

This first idea is from a wonderful interview someone did with my daughter, Carla. I can’t resist sharing it with you! She says it so much better than I might.

Hold on tightly, but let go lightly. Be willing to sacrifice everything for your vision, and then drop it all if a better way emerges. (You are made of ideas … they are not scarce. You’ll know the ones worth ditching it all for!)

I particularly love the notion that ideas are plentiful and you can have fun sorting and savoring them, and then grab the ones that won’t let you go.

Idea 2: Structure time for opportunities to emerge.

You miss many opportunities with friends and partners because it takes effort to pin down a date and time.  Consider setting yourself up for lots of wonderful experiences with others by establishing regular date-times for, well … who knows what?

My husband Tyko and I have found this strategy to work very well. We have a standing date. Every Friday afternoon from 2:00 on, we go out together to do something special.

Often, we stack things — a museum, a meal, a movie — or perhaps a long walk in the park, a picnic and a play. Some weeks, I plan them. Other weeks, he does. And sometimes we just set out to see where our feet take us. This structure, makes room for periods of refreshing spontaneity that we can count on every week.

Idea 3: Stillness is part of a bigger trajectory.

Starting and stopping and starting again — that uneven pace of getting things done — isn’t bad or good. It’s just the normal pattern of creative energy.

The times when you stop something can be as productive as the periods of flow because, though you may not be aware, in those fallow periods, you’re planting the seeds for what’s to come.

So rather than thinking of my recent vacation from this blog as a sin — an error or a failing — I can see it as merely part of a bigger trajectory. One in which not doing something is as important as doing. Because not doing — stillness — gave me an opportunity to listen for, and perhaps hear, the ideas that are inexorably guiding me forward.  You may find that to be true too.

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Sit Still for a Few Minutes Today

I’m sure you have a big to-do list. But put it aside for a minute or two and just let your mind wander. Pay attention to the ebb and flow of ideas. Notice which ones make you feel good. Try it again later today or tomorrow. Notice if any of your ideas come back. Just like that.

Share an idea you can’t let go of in the comments below. Or, head on over to Facebook and share an idea that’s popped up for you there.

The post What to do When Your Creative Well Runs Dry appeared first on Andrea Kihlstedt.

This Thanksgiving, I plan to go around our holiday table and tell each person that I appreciate them and explain why.

In fact, I think I’ll start my day tomorrow (Thanksgiving Day) by telling my husband that I appreciate him and what I appreciate about him.

I suspect it will be good for both of us!

Perhaps Thanksgiving isn’t the only day of the year I should let people know why I appreciate them.

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Who Will You Appreciate?

Who will you take time to appreciate today and tomorrow and the next day? It’s easy to believe that the big things have got to change to make a difference in your world, when really, small gestures, practiced consistently, have greater power. They can soften your heart and open the hearts of others.

Start noticing the small wonderful things the people in your life do and let them know. You might be surprised by the depth of difference it makes.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Share your ideas about appreciation in the comments below. Or, head on over to Facebook and share your ideas there.

The post Small Gestures of Appreciation Can Make a Big Difference appeared first on Andrea Kihlstedt.

But when Beverly Nelson tearfully described her encounter with Roy Moore when she was 16, I recalled a similar experience. My experience wasn’t as devastating, but it left its mark.

My First Story of a Man Taking Advantage

When I was 16, I badgered my mother to let me take guitar lessons. My mother called the local music school. We went to the music school to meet the guitar teacher and we scheduled my first lesson.  But a few days before the lesson, he called to ask if I could come to his home for a lesson rather than the music school. He said, I believe, that there wasn’t a room available at that time.

I had just gotten my driver’s license and my mother agreed to let me drive myself. Off I went, managing the highways and stop signs and finally, parallel parking in front of his suburban house.

I picked up my new guitar, walked down the path and rang the bell. It was a split-level home in an innocuous middle-class neighborhood.

Mr Guitar Teacher (I don’t recall his name) answered the door and greeted me in a friendly way.  He told me that his wife was out and led me to the living room.  I remember feeling awkward in the way a teenager does with someone and something new.

We both sat on the couch. He took out the guitar and moved close to me.

“Let me place it correctly,” he said, and gently tucked it in front of my breasts, rubbing them lightly with his hands as he did.

He moved my arms so that they were in the correct positions. But then he sat back and said — and I remember this as though it were yesterday — “What lovely breasts, Andrea. Tell me, do you know anything about the Preliminaries?”  And with that he started to talk about love and physical arousal. “To be a real musician,” he said, “You must be fully alive physically.”

And with that, he moved closer…

He did give me a guitar lesson and didn’t force himself on me. But I couldn’t wait to leave.

I was polite as I believed I should be. In fact, I wasn’t quite sure if I should be offended or somehow proud that he found me attractive. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know the appropriate response. I was scared and confused. His behavior wasn’t violent, but it certainly wasn’t appropriate.

But I remember crying as I drove myself home.

When I got home, I told my mother what had happened. She immediately called the music school. I believe that the incident lead to his being fired. But I’m sure that over many years to come, Mr Guitar Teacher brought women into his living room for guitar lessons and did to them what he had done to me … and perhaps worse.

An Opportunity for Important Discussions

Buried memories like these are surfacing for hundreds of thousands of women, and they give us a chance to talk with our daughters and granddaughters about them so that when they find themselves in similar situations, they will know more clearly what to do!

I must confess, though, that even now, I’m still not quite sure what the appropriate response would have been.  Should I have left when I knew I would be alone with him in his house? Should I have gotten angry and stormed out when he touched me inappropriately? Or, as I did, should I have endured politely and then reporting the behavior when I got home?

What do you think a young, inexperienced girl should and could do in a situation like that?

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How Will You Prepare Your Daughter or Granddaughter?

I have no doubt that men will continue to behave badly. That they will again and again take advantage of young women. But we can, and should, have conversations with the girls and young women in our lives to help them know how to behave.

What would you have advise someone to do in the situation I described above? How might you discuss the possibilities of this kind of inappropriate behavior with the girls in your life?

Share your ideas in the comments below. Or head on over to Facebook and share your ideas there.

The post The Guitar Teacher Who Took Advantage: Handling Sexual Harassment appeared first on Andrea Kihlstedt.

But really, I don’t think I have ever given people the biggest and most important piece of advice. It’s quite simple, but it provides the underpinning for all great fundraising.

Here’s the REAL Secret of Asking

You’ve got to care enough. When you do, asking gets easy!

If you don’t really care about what you are asking for, you’ll have trouble mustering what it takes to ask people for help. But if you do care — I mean really care — then asking becomes easy, even fun!

I learned this lesson over the past month working on my daughter Carla’s KickStarter campaign to raise $42,000 for her Oceans project.

I started helping her with the fundraising because that’s what I know how to do and she asked for my help.  But the more involved I became, the more I cared about the project.

And over time, I became totally committed, not just to her and her creative genius, but to the project as a whole.

Black Inscription: A Love Song to the Sea

Black Inscription – A Multi-media Song Cycle About Our Ocean is big and grand and far reaching. It connects music and science and the environment in a way that seems unlikely and even surprising.

I realized that the more fascinated and committed to the project I became, the more willing I was to ask my friends and relatives and acquaintances. It felt as though I was doing them a favor to introduce them to this remarkable project. I asked without fear.

It was fine when people said no. And wonderful when they gave.

Asking: An Act of Generosity

As I finish writing this post, the campaign has just tipped over its goal and gifts are still coming in. I’m excited for those who gave, because they’ll get to be part of a remarkable creative adventure.

This project has helped me understand the power of being fully committed. The more involved I became, the more committed I was. And the more committed I became, the happier I was to invite other people to participate. Rather than feeling like a pick-pocket, I felt like a friend, offering people an opportunity to participate in something special.

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Think: What Do You Care Enough About?

Is there something you care deeply enough about that you’d be excited to ask other people to get involved? Think of something that is so exciting or important or moving that you want to introduce your friends and relatives and neighbors to it.

Imagine caring enough so that inviting other people to participate feels generous rather than selfish. Let yourself enjoy being part of something that is bigger (and better) than you are.

Share your ideas in the comments below. Or, head on over to Facebook and share your ideas there.

The post When You Care Enough: The Secret of Asking for Help appeared first on Andrea Kihlstedt.