darling ♥ chuck

30 Day Challenge: Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality

2012-01-12T16:46:00.000-05:00

DAY 15

It's super appropriate that I left off on this day's challenge since my birthday just passed. Last Friday in the office one of my co-workers asked me what people usually said about Capricorns. I told her that the most common thing I hear is that we are "passionate, hard workers." So naturally she asked if I thought that was true. I told her that yes of course I thought it was true! Although I don't follow horoscopes much (unless it's mine), most of the things I read - mostly in fashion magazines - seem to deem true. But I think they're measured to make you believe that it coincides with your life.

Here's a snap of my horoscope from last month (Harper's Bazaar):

You draw attention in early December, despite your desire to keep a low profile. The holidays welcome serenity and amorous realizations. Make a New Year's resolution to trust your intuition around lovers. Use your extra charisma, but take work seriously.

I don't take these things too seriously, but if I read something encouraging related to "my sign" I always take those words into account. Great advice though, don't you think?

xoxo

Looking backwards

2012-01-04T20:06:00.005-05:00

So I had this idea a few nights ago, while brainstorming ways to get back into blogging, that I start blogging backwards.

Let me explain.

I had mentioned before how I have so many photos that I wanted to show you all - and that's what I've mainly used this blog for: telling stories through photos! Doing that has helped me cope and understand the root of myself, and thankfully some of you enjoy reading. :) So when I say I that I have this idea to blog backwards, it means that I blog back on the last year starting from December to January. I've royally left this blog to collect so much dust, and I want to give it the love and care that I used to. Things finally seem to be settling pretty well for me here in NY, and I really want to get back into to writing. Hope I'll see you soon.

xoxo

2011 round-up

2011-12-31T19:29:00.007-05:00

Hi darling friends!

It's New Year's Eve, the apartment is cleaned up and Mike and I are now sitting in our pretty little living room on our pretty little couch, listening to music and waiting for the clock to strike midnight with some neat glasses of Buffalo Trace. As I sit in our new apartment next to the man of my dreams on this very day, I can't help but think back on the year I've had that is 2011. Life is good - at least as good as you make it to be. I know I haven't updated you all much on my where abouts and what abouts, but I promise I will be better in updating this dear blog of mine! (Hi Dad! I promise I'll write more.) For those of you that follow me: I'm sorry for letting this blog go stale! This year has definitely been a year of self realization, self discovery and self recovery. Those that follow me on Facebook and Twitter have a bit of a feel for what's been going on, but in case you don't I'm gonna do my best to get you all up to date in this post.

I rang in 2011 with my love, here in Queens, New York. He was in town up until my birthday (January 6), while still living in Alameda, California so yes, I was in a long distance relationship! February was when I decided to temporarily move back to California until April, when Mike decided to move in with me to New York. This was definitely my biggest highlight of this year. I can't even decipher how prominent this moment was. No more long distance, no more back and forth flights to California, no more empty pockets! Mike moving to New York was a sure sign that this man was the real deal, straight up. And to make matters better, both him and I flew back to New York together on Arieson's [would-be] 4th birthday. What a symbolic way to start a journey together. :)

Mike moving in with me meant that I was finally able to live in New York full-time. I got myself an internship at a modeling agency, and was quickly brought on as a booker. After a few months, I realized that I wasn't in fact a saleswoman so I decided to get into casting, which was the other side of the modeling business. By the help of a colleague, I landed an internship with the lovely Natalie Joos, became her assistant and now I am a freelance casting agent under her name. I am insanely satisfied with where I'm at career wise, to say the least. I've gained a great relationship with Natalie, and I plan to keep that relationship fruitful for years to come. She's a rad chick. I feel very blessed to be working alongside such a profound figure in the fashion world.

In June, my grandmother passed away, on the exact same day my darling Arieson passed away. It was such a heavy moment in my life - I got the call 5am my time, which was 2am California time, minutes before I was to board a plane to California to visit my son's grave. I kept it together on my 5 hour flight alone to California until I was back in NYC for a couple of days to process my feelings. I got to see my mom in California (she lives in the Philippines now), and she was probably the reason why I was able to keep my cool. But once I was back in NYC after that short weekend, I broke down. Badly. The next week I was on another flight back to California, only to make it in time for my grandmother's viewing, then to say my final goodbyes at her funeral, where she was to be buried next to my cousin (who would have been 28 this year) and my grandfather, who passed away when I was pregnant with Arieson. I took a first class flight to LA, thanks to Mike's mom, and a coach flight to SF. June was a heavy, heavy month for me. I wouldn't have survived it without my Mike. Man...

In July, I decided to chop my hair off; partly because of the intense summer heat of New York but mostly to liberate myself from all the hardships I've been through so far. When Arieson passed away, I wanted to chop my hair off, but everyone around me kept telling me how irrational and reactionary I was being. I listened, and kept my locks. I finally gained the courage to just fucking do it. I donated my butt-length hair to Locks of Love, and never looked back. I love my boy cut, and I don't think I'll ever have long hair again. Well...we will see. ;)

Dude, Hurricane Irene. Although it was downgraded to Tropical Storm Irene toward the tail end of its course, it was an experience I will never forget. In California, we don't get hurricanes; we get earthquakes! Preparing for a natural disaster like this for the first time away from family was a bit nerve racking. All the while, I'm glad Mike was by my side through the mind fuck. Here was the result of the "disaster":

New York City was super lucky to have dodged this one. Prayers and positive thoughts to the families who endured the brunt of the hurricane.

Oh, did I forget to mention that Mike and I lived in Harlem for a month?! We were pretty much forced out of the establishment we were living at at the time with a "friend" in October. The timing was the absolute worst because both Mike and I were both working New York Fashion Week in September, among other things, not to mention I was still only an intern at the time, leaving us hardly any financial means to actually move. Considering how desperate we got, we ended up in a cockroach infested slum lord apartment on 138th and Broadway for the month of October. It's safe to say that this was my worst month in New York so far. The building had an energy that so very easily sucked the life out of me, not to mention the one day of snow we had in the middle of Fall. What a mind fuck. I could have easily caved in and lost my mind, but instead I chose to keep on the path and lo and behold, got us a sweet ass spot in our beloved Woodside, Queens area in the building we've been gawking over since moving to Woodside. Although it was a shitty (and I mean shitty) month, I don't think I would have been as thankful as I am now to be living such blessed life in New York City.

So now Mike and I are happily residing in a one bedroom apartment in Queens, with the help of a dear friend Sophia Chang (thanks, girl!) We are still building our little space (buying furniture, kitchen appliances, etc.) but once we are completely settled, I'd love to show you all our home. Oh, I also landed a temp gig at a branding agency. Come end of January - I hope to land a full-time position at this company, while freelancing for Natalie Joos. Mama needs health insurance!

The year was full of SO MANY ups and downs it was almost bi-polar, but it only makes me stronger, and able to deal with stressful situations in a more constructive way. I can only hope that 2012 treats me just as well. Regardless, I know now how to deal with the speed bumps. I just gotta keep hustlin' and networking while staying positive. Positivity is key! I've met so many great people here in New York. I've also met some lame folks, and have discovered how ignorant people you've even known for awhile can be, but I can give a fuck about them. As long as I'm moving forward without those negative people, I'm all good.

Ok, this bourbon-whiskey blend is taking over me, so I best go now. Dad, you'd be proud (hi!). I hope you all come back soon to visit and read up on what's going on with me. Btw, if you do read my blog please don't be shy and let me know that you are reading! I love to meet new readers, and I would love to talk to YOU!

Here's to a wonderful and prosperous 2012. Fuck the bullshit - let's do this!!

xoxo

P.S.
I haven't forgotten about my 30 day challenge! It will commence once again soon enough.

Give Thanks

2011-11-24T12:07:00.005-05:00

Be thankful everyday. For the things you have, for the things you don't have, your health, your past, present and future, the people around you and most of all yourself. Be thankful for today.

Happy Thanksgiving!

xoxo

Meanwhile...

2011-11-09T23:58:00.002-05:00

Been hella busy getting my shit together in the hustle and bustle of New York City. Hella changes, hella challenges, hella stress, hella fun. I'm still reppin' Cali though! Stay tuned...

30 Day Challenge: What you wore today

2011-08-25T23:02:00.000-04:00

DAY 14

H&M flannel and shorts, vintage scarf (belonged to my mom)

Uniqlo knee highs, Steve Madden boots

I've never been one to post these type of photos. I get so self-conscious! I don't put as much effort as these style bloggers do. First, I don't own many pieces of clothing (I don't even have a closet), second, I don't invest nearly as much money on photo worthy clothes than I do on food and third, I'm quite shy in front of a camera. I'm working on it though. I usually like to be behind the lens. So there you go. :)

30 Day Challenge: Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it

2011-08-24T23:37:00.000-04:00

DAY 13

This is a sensitive subject. I normally don't like talking about other people's bodies and body types (unless they are models or celebrities), and I especially don't like talking about my own. I think a conversation about one's body is pointless. It makes people self-conscious when they shouldn't be.

Here's an observation: when girls talk about their bodies, there's ALWAYS something wrong with it. When girls talk about other girls' bodies, they tend to point out both their perfections and imperfections. Then they compare. Girls can be so particular about a menial subject. I choose not to partake in such nonsense; the more it is mentioned, the more it becomes obsessive. A person's body does not define their character!

I love my body. You have to. It's all you've got. If everything works and you're healthy, there should be no reason to hate your body. Once you start hating on your body, you start hating on yourself. If you're unhappy, then do something about it! Work with what you've got. A lot of people like to comment and point out my build, considering how much I eat and the fact that I carried a baby in me for 9 months. I know they are just complimentary, and I appreciate them. But please believe that I am no more gifted than the next "lucky" girl. I eat healthy, I drink lots of water and I work out. It's quite simple. I take care of myself pretty much. You've got to.

Plus, I have a boyfriend who loves my body, stretch marks and everything. The least I can do is keep it the way he likes it. ;)

30 Day Challenge: Five guys whom you find attractive

2011-08-23T22:00:00.003-04:00

DAY 12

Jon Kortajarena by Terry Richardson
Sergio K

Jon Kortajarena
Michael Fassbender
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
DJ Stretch Armstrong
James Franco

Mike knows this list better than I do.

30 Day Challenge: Your family

2011-08-22T13:38:00.003-04:00

DAY 11

The internet was down at my apartment for an entire week last week (AN ENTIRE WEEK), so I decided to take the time to organize and back up all my photos in my laptop and hard drive since I couldn't live my life (ok, I'm being dramatic). As I was archiving everything, I realized that I don't have many photos of my family. It's weird, I know, but it explains why I don't talk about them much on this dear blog (what's a blog these days without photos?). I'm also rather private when it comes to my family. Not many of my friends really know who they are besides my closest ones. I'm quite protective of them. I'm very particular as to who gets to meet them, so if you've met and actually spoke to both of my parents, you must be awesome.

My parents divorced when I was 7-years-old, and both remarried around my teens. I grew up and lived with my mom and step-dad, and would occasionally see my dad and step-mom, mostly on weekend and holidays. It was tough getting used to having two sets of parents, but having a step-brother helped. We are fairly close in age, so we were able to relate in some ways. He lived with us when I was in high school. My step-brother's name is Nathan, and he's 5 years older than I am. My parents names are Amanda and Angelito; my step-dad is George and my step-mom is Maria.

I'm very close to both sides. I have great relationships with both my mom's and dad's extended families, and I consider my step-dad's family as my own. It took some tough love and trying times, but it's worked in my favor so far. Nowadays, I only see my family on holidays and rare occasions, but it's not because I now live in New York. Even when I was living in California, it would be the same story. I come from a family (as a whole) where our relationships are stronger because we have our own lives; if we saw each other so often we'd probably be killing each other or ourselves. In my family, no news is good news. The kind of relationship I have with my family has partly made it that much easier to move away from them to New York. So I guess that's a good enough explanation as to why I don't carry many family photos with me. I'll leave it up to my bopper cousins to take the photos and distribute them via Facebook tagging. I actually had to gather these photos from none other than Facebook! So for all you curious monkeys, I present to you, my darlings, my family:

Mom & and my step-dad George

Dad & my step-mom Maria

My step-brother Nathan

Wanna know more? Ask me. :)

30 Day Challenge: Put your music player on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play

2011-07-26T11:00:00.001-04:00

DAY 10

The White Stripes - The Nurse

Esthero - Superheroes

Hall & Oates - I Can't Go For That

David Bowie - Under Pressure

Prince - Loveleft, Loveright

Jamie Cullum - Next Year, Baby

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Hysteric

Earth, Wind & Fire - That's The Way Of The World

Astrud Gilberto With Stanley Turrentine - To A Flame

Yann Tiersen - Le moulin

I am going to admit right now that I had to skip some HNRL unreleased songs, so this list isn't completely honest. ;)

xoxo

30 Day Challenge: How important you think education is

2011-07-21T20:35:00.003-04:00

DAY 9

I don't want to get into politics, but lack of education is the very reason why Americans like Sarah Palin. So yes, of course I think education is important. I can agree that the education system can use some work, but for the most part, education is what keeps children curious. I myself was never into school when I was growing up, but I do believe that everyone needs some sort of formal education in their lives, regardless. That way most Americans can get away with being half-stupid. I think K-12 is good. In college, I learned how to party. I gained my networking skills from going out and socializing, and in the industry I'm in, that's all you really need to know.

How important do you think education is?

xoxo

30 Day Challenge: What you ate today

2011-07-20T23:51:00.001-04:00

DAY 8

Ugh! I really like today's topic because I'm always taking photos of my food, but I wasn't very thrilled with the photos I've taken of the food I ate today. Had this topic been this past Monday or yesterday, I would have given you guys some awesome photos of the awesome food Mike and I ate for dinner during Restaurant Week here in NY. Also, I've developed this really bad habit of not eating breakfast and lunch everyday. I know, it's horrible, but I work so much that sometimes I forget to eat. When I do eat, it's usually a small snack. I actually made sure to remember to eat lunch today since I knew today's topic was pertaining to food. I really wanted to show you guys some awesome photos of the food I ate today, but alas, I am ashamed to even publish my poor photography quality of my food!

For lunch, I met up with my friends Marisue and Joe, who are visiting from San Francisco, at a Spanish spot called Despaña in Soho. It was my first time there. Not bad! I had chorizo con castañas with some bread. It was a very small tapas dish, but it was delicious.

I found this photo on their website. I couldn't leave you guys wondering what my dish looked like, even though I didn't take this photo!

For dinner, I met up with Mike and we went to 1534, a bar also in Soho. We shared some bar snacks: salt cod fritters and croque monsieur with spicy dijon. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a photo of this dish from their website or Yelp, but it was damn delicious. It was also my first time at this spot as well.

I also want to let you all know that today's food does not reflect my normal intake when I'm in a good mood. I've also been stressed, which explains my lack of appetite as of lately. It's not good. I love to eat food! I love to eat good food, and Mike and I love to dine out. Soon enough I'll get back on track.

xoxo

30 Day Challenge: Five pet peeves

2011-07-19T10:00:00.002-04:00

DAY 7

Bad manners
Radio music
Dirty dishes (actually, dirty anything...besides Chuck Taylors)
Poorly made cocktails
Distasteful fashion decisions

That was easy.

xoxo

30 Day Challenge: Your views on mainstream music

2011-07-18T10:00:00.001-04:00

DAY 6

So, my friend Toan texted me the other day on my would-be 6th regarding what was up with my 30 Day Challenge. I told him that I had only planned on doing the challenge on work days since hey, I like having my weekends to chill! So, for those of you wondering how consistent I'll be with this, I will only be posting on weekdays. Kapish? Cool.

I bet you're all wondering why I had chosen a photo of NKOTBSB (if you know what that stands for than you are a bopper) for this entry. I have a confession to make: I saw these dudes in concert last month, and I LOVED IT!! I honestly wasn't expecting to enjoy myself, but I really did. I'm glad my roommate dragged me to go with her to watch them in concert. It was such a nostalgic experience, and it rekindled my love for (some) of these boys when I was a pre-teen. Good times indeed.

I'm not sure how popular these guys still are, but they are the prime example of what mainstream music is. I don't listen to the radio; it gives me a headache. ~~Most~~ all of the stuff that these DJ's play on the radio are garbage, so to sum up, I barely have any views on mainstream music, besides the obvious, because I don't listen to it. I can get down to some pop, I think because it reminds me of being stupid and younger, but I don't take it seriously. I love good music, and good music is rarely played on the radio. My boyfriend is in the music business, so of course I can appreciate all types of sounds, just not the kind that kids listen to these days.

What are your views on mainstream music?

xoxo

Resurgence

2011-07-17T10:00:00.002-04:00

Holy Whore! It's already been a month since I've blogged. Last month was pretty rough. June 17 marked the year anniversary of my darling Arieson's passing. I took a trip out to California for that weekend to visit my son's grave, only to find out that on the exact date of my Arieson's passing, minutes before boarding my plane, my grandmother had passed away as well. It wasn't easy, especially because I had flown to California alone. Mike had to stay behind in New York for work. But, my mom met me on the other side from the Philippines. It was great to see her. I also saw my aunt from Las Vegas, which was also nice. I even got to see some close friends, and had the opportunity to eat excellent Mexican food (duh...had to). I only spent the weekend in San Francisco, but it was a short and sweet trip.

The view from my hotel in SF

My darling mother

The news of my grandmother passing didn't hit me until I came back to New York, naturally. I couldn't stop crying. I felt so overwhelmed by the coincidental timing of everything. I was back in New York, trying so hard to get back on the grind. My grandmother's funeral wasn't until that Saturday, and I knew I had to fly back to California again to pay my last respects, but I had already spent so much money on my flight the prior weekend. I considered my options, yet I was too tired from life to make any decisions. So I reached out to Mike's mom, who works for United Airlines. I was able to use her companion passes for me to fly out early Thursday morning on standby, hopeful that I would make it in time to at least attend my grandmother's funeral that Saturday. After a rigmarole of 3 full flights to San Francisco, with little to no chances in making it to SF at all, Mike suggested I try and fly out to LA, that way I'd at least be in California. If I had to stay in LA overnight, I'd be able to stay at our friend Darren's house near the airport. I agreed, and Mike's dad was able to transfer my flight now to LA, and after arriving at JFK at 5AM, I made it out by 11:30AM, first class! It was my first time on first class, and I was so thankful I was able to sleep soundly on the plane after eating my complimentary dish of filet mignon. :) When I landed in LA, I rushed to the next gate to check in to the next flight to SF. I made it by the skin of my teeth. I was the second to last passenger on board to SF, and all flights after me were booked by the teens. Had I not made that flight, I wouldn't have made it to SF that day. I felt that I truly had angels watching over me, because I made it in time to make it to my grandmother's viewing, which was more than what I had expected to happen. That was probably one of the longest days of my life, to say the least. I was able to spend wholesome time with my family, and I was able to say my last goodbye to my Inang. I flew back to New York the night of the funeral, and arrived back the next morning, again on first class. :) I was so thankful for Mike and his parents for those difficult two weeks. I didn't feel so alone during my travels because of them.

So now I'm back, and I really need to start blogging again! I haven't forgotten about my 30 Day Challenge that I so vowed to complete when I first started. All you darlings can expect me to start once again tomorrow on Monday. So much change has been going on in my life, and I want to share with all of you. I hope you'll stay tuned!

Follow me on Instagram!

darlingchuck

xoxo

I've been having a crazy couple of weeks.

2011-06-24T18:26:00.000-04:00

Too much going on right now. Will attempt to update soon!

I love all you darlings.

xoxo

30 Day Challenge: Things you want to say to an ex

2011-06-10T17:00:00.001-04:00

DAY 5

Wow, really? I guess we're going there today.

I've only been in 3 serious romantic relationships. I was friends with my first ex-boyfriend for a very long time after we broke up, but something stupid happened a few years ago, and somehow we are no longer friends. I choose not to dwell on it. I'm actually still good friends with my second ex. His name is Chris Pera, and if you know him, you'll know that he's a really good guy so there's no surprise why we maintain a relationship.

Now my most current ex, the "father" (although I'd like to refer to him as a sperm donor) of Arieson, is probably the ex I'd pick to say things to. We had a very messy relationship, not to mention an even messier break up. When we broke up, I failed to speak to him because instead I chose to involve the legal system. He was physically, emotionally and mentally abusive so in order to protect my son and I, legal action had to be taken. We never ever spoke unless there was a third party present, although I did give him a few chances to speak one on one, but it always ended up in disaster. After Arieson passed, I felt I was finally able to close that relationship's chapter and I never look back on it. To be honest, he's the most menial person to me. I don't consider him a part of my life, and I hope he doesn't consider me a part of his.

Actually, now thinking about it, after all the shit I went through because of him, I don't have anything to say.

30 Day Challenge: Bullet your whole day

2011-06-10T10:47:00.005-04:00

DAY 4

I knew I was bound to miss a day! I'm really determined to do this 30 Day Challenge on consecutive [work] days. Yesterday was crazy busy.

Check it:

Follow me on Instagram!

darlingchuck

woke up at 7am to get ready for the day
left the house to meet Javier (co-worker) at Union Square to hand him keys to the office
ended up meeting him in the Bedford platform underground in BK
went to my hair modeling appointment at Woodley & Bunny Salon at 9am
left BK at 11am to head to the office
work, work work, busy, busy, busy, models, models, models
went to Albert Hall Tavern after work to grab drinks with Javier, some models and Mike
tripped out that the 100˚ weather turned into lightening and thunder
went to Theater Bar in the rain to grab more drinks with more models
went to Co-Op to meet with some more models
ate at Tre with Javier and Mike
had a great conversation with great food with the two boys
headed to Hombres Lounge in Qns with Javier and Mike
tucked some money in the bar dancer's panties so I could touch his package (lol)
was reminded how incredibly awesome my boyfriend is
came home at 2am
SLEEP!

30 Day Challenge: A book you love

2011-06-08T22:54:00.005-04:00

DAY 3

I almost forgot to write today. Good thing today's topic is easy!

A book I love, always and forever, is Catcher in the Rye.

To be honest, I haven't read many books lately. Last year, I made a resolution to read at least one book each month, but with all the shit I was going through, it was hard to commit. Nowadays, I stick my face in magazines and blogs. Every month I subscribe to GQ, Esquire, 7x7 Magazine, Vanity Fair and New York Magazine. Every now and then I'll pick up an issue of Vogue, Harper's Bazaar, V Magazine or Interview Magazine for some inspiration, but I figure I can keep up with womenswear through the internet. I follow so many blogs, including WWD, The Cut, Refinery 29, Fashionista, Business of Fashion, Models.com, various design blogs, photography blogs and personal blogs that my friends have. Not to mention the fact that I'm on Tumblr! I try to keep up to date with what's going on in both fashion and the world as much as I can, so I make a habit of reading everyday.

What's a book you love?

30 Day Challenge: Something you feel strongly about

2011-06-06T23:13:00.007-04:00

DAY 2

There are a whole bunch of things I feel strongly about: the misuse of flip flops in public, pro-choice, bad grammar and very delicious food. If I had to choose one thing I really feel strongly to blog about today, considering the industry I'm in, it would be: dressing up.

This past weekend, some friends from California came to visit New York for the first time. For those of you who have never been to California before, specifically the San Francisco Bay Area, the style is typically laid back, relaxed and calm. It's the complete opposite of New York City. People will go out in public wearing their work-out clothes, or even wear their pajamas to the supermarket (an offense I think should be punishable). One of the things D & S decided to do while here in New York is watch a broadway musical, Wicked (btw, I LOVED Wicked). The following evening, we all went out to eat dinner at Socarrat Paella Bar, which by the way is a really good and fancy restaurant. When I asked D & S what they thought about the musical, their biggest concern was not the production quality of the musical itself, but the way they were dressed for the event. D had worn a suit while S had worn an evening dress. Pretty appropriate, right? Well, there happened to be a load of children at the theater, causing the attire curve to drop, thus making D & S self-conscious about their wardrobe of choice for the night.

Now, I firstly want to state that I am a huge fan of Glenn O'Brien's. If you guys don't know who he is, Google him. Secondly, because I'm a fan of Glenn O'Brien's then it shouldn't be a surprise that I feel strongly about dressing up. Of course, I think that people should be dressed appropriately, but in my opinion, dressing up is socially safer than dressing down.

Glenn O'Brien

In Glenn O'Brien's "The Style Guy's Guide to Friendship, Schmoozing, and Social Advancement," he states:

Don't underdress. It's better to be overdressed than underdressed. People will assume you are going to or coming from something better.

He's absolutely right! People should never feel self-conscious for taking the time to look good. The way you present yourself in public is the way you want to be treated by others. Making an effort to look presentable says highly of one's character. It's not about being better than anyone else, it's about being the best you can be. You know how people always say to "dress for success?" How you should "dress for the job you want, not for the job you have?" It runs along those same lines, and deems true on the social ladder. I'm not saying men and women should always dress like they're going to a fancy musical on Broadway every single day, but hey if that's your thing, that's cool too. I think it's important to put styling effort in your daily routine each morning. There are ways to look effortlessly amazing! Nothing feels better before a work day than looking at yourself one last time in the mirror before heading out and saying to yourself, "Damn I look good!"

Try it! You might feel better about yourself.

What's something you feel strongly about?

30 Day Challenge: Five ways to win your heart

2011-06-06T17:00:00.003-04:00

DAY 1

God, I love lists. I love them so much I play Top 5 whenever I meet new people. The sole purpose I buy notebooks is to make lists. I make a list every morning before I start my day. I even make lists in my iPhone. I can't get enough!

I'm going to treat this five ways here as a list that pertains to both friendship and romance.

Must have a sense of humor
Must be well rounded with great taste (food, fashion, music, art, etc.)
Must be compassionate with a big heart
Must love children
Must maintain a great relationship with others, especially their parents

Cheat sheet: you can also get to know Mike Baker, for he is the one that possesses my heart ;)

What are five ways to win your heart?

30 Day Challenge

2011-06-06T13:30:00.000-04:00

Hello Darling Friends!

How have you all been? I miss you guys. I am aware that this blog is in dire need of an update, and I apologize for slacking. Since the move, I've been totally obsessed with finding my place here in NYC. Mike and I have managed to adjust to our new living situation just fine. For awhile, we've been job hunting like crazy. Mike was able to find a desirable position with a creative company in Midtown, and as for myself, I've managed to find a gig with a modeling agency on the West Side of town as a model agent. It has kept me busy while I still search for that desirable position. To say the least, I'm still looking.

Whenever I sit in front of my laptop with a "new post" window before me, I always seem to just get stuck. I really want to tell you all about Arieson's birthday back in April, and all the cool sorts of things I've been experiencing in NYC. There's too much on my mind to let out! I'll get to it one day.

Luckily, I found a little activity I can do on this dear blog to get the ball rolling again. It's called 30 Day Challenge, and I found out about this here through a new friend of mine you may know as Yoshi. I think it will be a good way to get myself back into the swing of updating and keeping you guys on track (and keeping myself sane!)

I'm going to start it today. Stay tuned!

Adventure time

2011-04-01T17:41:00.000-04:00

If you guys follow me on Twitter and/or Facebook you'd have known that I've been in the Bay helping Mike make his transition over to NYC. Yes, he's making his big move to the Big Apple! Mike's been working on his first album (very exciting!), and I've been taking the time to get to know Mike's friends and parents while I'm here, which may I add, are all very wonderful people. I've also been taking advantage of seeing my dear old friends that still reside here in the Bay, and I've been spending time with my grandmother, who happens to be very sick right now. It saddens my heart, but I'm happy to at least be in the area to see her while she's still here. My time here in the Bay hasn't been wasted, to say the least.

Mike's original move-in date was April 1st (today), but when we looked up airfare on Virgin America's website, the next reasonably cheap tickets were for April 5, which happens to lie on my Arieson's birthday. Mike and I booked a red eye flight for that night, as we figure we should celebrate Arieson's would-be 4th birthday at Golden Gate Park during the day, just like we've done for this 3rd and 2nd birthdays.

I was planning on having another birthday fundraiser for the Band of Parents organization in light of Arieson's birthday, just like we did last year, but I have since removed myself from that world. It's not a permanent removal, but a temporary leave of absence. ;) It's been 10 months since my Arieson left this Earth. Almost a year. I can't believe it's been that long already. It still seems so fresh in my mind. I hope to once again be active in the fight against childhood cancer, but anything related to what I've been through for the past 3 years hurts too much to think about. Right now I'm taking this time to focus on myself, and letting life take me where it has meant to take me.

So instead, for Arieson's birthday, Mike and I and anyone else who would like to partake can join us at Golden Gate Park on April 5 during the day. For those of you unable to make it, do something good for someone, whether it be a hug, a high five or a love letter. Arieson's birth was the single most wonderful day of my life, and I'd like for everyone else to have just as wonderful a day as I did on that day in April when Arieson graced me with his arrival.

Love,

Everyday struggles

2011-03-21T16:54:00.000-04:00

This is what I struggle with everyday.

Coping with loss is a lot harder than I had ever imagined. You can follow all the steps your therapist told you to take, graciously accept the condolences, support and half-hearted advice your friends and family give you or if you're religious, you can pray to whomever and whatever you believe in for strength. The truth is, there's no real handbook when it comes to this stuff. There's no twelve step program for traumatic recovery. Every single person has a different past, present and future, so naturally everyone deals with things differently and in their own way. When you witness your own son dying before your eyes, it may be easy for others to tell you to move on, live on, keep the faith. This is very good advice, but of course like most things, it's easier said than done.

During my process, I've been fortunate to have a lot more better days than bad, and I owe a whole bunch of those better days to my better half. I'm actually doing real well in retrospect, for the most part. I've been enjoying New York, and my love will soon be joining me in this magical city. But when those bad days come along, they hit you like a ton of bricks on a snowy day in the desert. It gets uncomfortable, confusing and shocking. Things that might not have shaken you before are now considered close to the end of your world. The even worse thing is, you can't predict when they're going to come. How do you explain yourself when you start crying out of impulse, or when you suddenly become distant and introverted? This is what I continue to struggle with, and it is going to be something that I will have to endure for the rest of my life. It's just something I'm going to have to live with, and I fully understand and comprehend that fact. But, darling friends, do you understand?

I know I'm not alone. I'm working on surrounding myself with the right kind of people, and the right kind of energy. I'm embracing the people that accept me, and have always accepted me. So far I've been lucky to meet some great people. Since being with Mike, I've laughed a lot more, slept a lot more, been less self-destructive and more productive, which was the complete opposite of what I became after Arieson passed. I've been blessed with people who I never knew would become real close friends. I'm thankful for them, because right now, they are all I really have. My Arieson, my world, a tiny being that I invested all my love to unconditionally is no longer with us. Have you ever loved someone more than yourself? Then you might begin to feel where I'm coming from. I'm picking up the pieces, and with the help of my friends, I'm starting to have a clearer picture. I understand that I'll often times run into insensitive fucks, but when I do, I can't let those fools bring me down. You know what sucks? The two ~~very close friends~~ people who laid in my bed next to me and my lifeless son on that cold summer night in June while waiting for the coroner to take my son's body away have chosen to dump me out of their lives, pretty much through the Internet. Why? Shit, I wish I knew. According to them, I'm "too needy" and "selfish." Forget about my dead son, forget about what I've been through, forget me from now on. I'm apparently an awful person. Fuck. That.

I just want you all to know, darling friends and distressing foes, that from now on, you're either with me or go fuck yourself. Sometimes I just wish some fools would just once put themselves in my shoes for just one fucking day, and quit revolving their lives around a safety net. I don't think I should be in any position in explaining myself. I may show a strong, experienced game face, but I'm as fragile as a newborn inside. The littlest things can crash my world, but I'm smart enough to surround myself with positivity and love, and leave all that negativity and hate somewhere else. If you'd rather go for the latter, then by all means stay where you are, and away from me.

Thanks for reading!

Love,

Hiatus

2011-02-07T09:39:00.000-05:00

I have been attempting to make more of an effort and blog a lot more, for quite some time now.

I've found writing to be a great tool as a form of release when I was going through it. I was able to gain a lot of supporters, and I couldn't be more thankful for those of you who still read me, leave me comments and send me emails of comfort.

Now that I'm living this new life, I can't seem to get myself to sit down and just write. I can't seem to let out all the vomit in my brain on to this public diary of mine. What's holding me back? I don't know. Possibly the fear of rejection. I sure as hell have too much going on in my head to even comprehend at the slightest. Too much to dump on this little blog of mine. But how?

I will find a way to update soon enough.

Love,