Name: Ellie
Comment: Hello!

I received a Facebook message from a guy that I went to high school with (high school was over 7 years ago) asking me out. To backtrack, we had gone out on a date five years ago and it was very awkward, so I had refused a second date. However, I accepted this time around in hopes that we had both matured and things would go differently. He picked me up from 45 minutes away and it was awkward at first but when he got more comfortable and things started to get better. I ended up having a really good time and accepted a second date. We ended up going out 4 or 5 times until I realized that he wasn’t the one for me. He didn’t do anything wrong, I just felt more of a friendship with him and romantic feelings didn’t develop. Simply put, I wasn’t into him.

I thought a lot about it and ended up telling him over the phone. I explained that he was nice, I had a good time but that romantic feelings did not develop and at this point I didn’t think they would. He accepted this with grace and said he was glad we gave it a shot. Then about 15 minutes later the texting started. He asked if he did anything wrong and I assured him that he didn’t, I just didn’t feel a spark. He then proceeded to text me non stop about how he didn’t understand and that he needed more of an explanation. I repeated myself over again and then quit texting him back. His texts continued until late that night and then continued early the next morning. He finally texted me about getting back a book I borrowed and I responded. He took that and ran with it again. I started to get 3, 4, 5 message long texts about how unfair I was being, how I didn’t give him enough of a chance and how he is just confused. He stated that I am an immature jerk for blocking him on Facebook (frankly I was freaked out) an how my actions are completely uncalled for.

I’m still tying to wrap my head around how a simple ‘thanks but I’m not interested’ could go so horribly wrong. I started to sound like a broken record I saying the same thing over and over. Can you offer any insight as to how that turned ugly so quick? Did I really owe him more after 4 dates?
Age: 25
City: Saint Louis
State: Missouri

You didn’t owe him more than you gave him. Your mistake was being honest.

But let’s backtrack a moment. I am always suspicious of the out of the blue date requests from people from our pasts. For me, that is a red flag.  Why you? Why now? People only typically recycle past loves or dates when they have no other options. Now you know why he currently had no options. Rarely are these blasts from the pasts borne of a genuine longing or fondness. He obviously did not recall your initial attempt at a date the way you did. Another red flag.

Now that we’ve covered that let’s get back to the honesty thing. Next time something like this happens, you lie. You make something up that has nothing to do with the other person. You’re back together with an ex. You’re not over a break up. Whatever. You never, ever offer your honest reasons for not wanting to see someone again. If they ask for further explanation you just say that it’s you. Say that you’re just going through something and it’s been hard for you to date. If things get nasty, then you should offer a sincere apology. He was obviously hurt and disappointed. If he contacts you again you need to acknowledge his feelings and show you understand why you feel the way he feels. Then throw yourself under the bus. That’s the only way to keep a situation like this from escalating. Important: your apology needs to be sincere. It can’t be a non-apology along the lines of “I’m sorry if I hurt you but…” No buts.

People who demand more of an explanation are revealing that this isn’t the first time they have been dropped like a bad habit. They’re expressing their frustration that nothing seems to be gelling with anyone. Another red flag. If they keep pestering you for an answer, you simply tell them that the conversation has turned uncomfortable for you and you’d prefer to stop chatting. Then you never respond to them again. Blocking him on Facebook only made the situation worse. It’s just unnecessary. That’s an aggressive move. That only rattled his cage more. If someone threatens actual harm, then I understand the need to take preventative measures. But for the sake of your own sanity, ignore people like this completely. Don’t doing anything that will raise their hackles.

I will ask you this, though..how come it took you 5 dates to realize there was no chemistry? To me, that seems like a long time. I will also throw out there that it’s possible that part of his anger came from feeling as though you used him for some free drinks and attention. I’m not saying that’s what you did. I’m merely offering some insight into how he was thinking. As a general rule, unless it makes a situation awkward, I don’t let a guy I’m not sure I’m into foot any bills. It’s just not fair to the man.

It got ugly because you were dealing with someone who has probably been dismissed more times than he’d care to remember. The goal in these situations is to not add fuel to the fire. That’s why you lie.

Name: MJ
Comment: Hi there-

My question is…where do I find men to date if I refuse to date online?

I am 39. Been Divorced 3 years. Dated online for 2…with disasterous results. I am pretty nice looking and in shape (especially by midwest standards) so I do not have a problem getting men to respond online. BUT- I have met literally nothing but horrible people. So bad, I started keeping a spreadsheet. In 6 months, I went out on many first dates. 9 of the guys were not actually divorced (though they said they were), 4 guys were still really married with active wives, 5 lied about their ages by between 8-10 years, 2 had DUIs and couldn’t drive, one guy called his ex the C word within 10 minutes of our meeting, one guy was an ex-felon twice over,  most of them tried to start talking sex before we even met (citing “need chemistry, dated a lot of dead fish, must know we have similar sexual tastes before we bother meeting”)and one very, very sweet man who gave me a few fantastic dates but was unfortunately affixed with a micro penis….seriously, like nothing I had ever seen.

So, I quit online dating in February. I go out with my girlfriends all the time. We do lots of events where there are lot of men. Beer tastings, parties, charities, etc. I meet men all the time. Chat with them all night. Give them my number. Exchange texts…they can’t wait to see me again. And then? I never hear from them. Just…..don’t. I don’t know why they asked for my number in the first place. I don’t know why they texted me and then stopped. I am literally fun and pressure free.

So…what do I do? Any advice?
Age: 39
City: Detroit
State: MI

I’m thinking there are three things at work:

First, you have you horrific taste in men. Nobody has that many bad experiences by chance. Nobody. Your radar is either on the fritz or you pay attention to the wrong things, my friend.

Second, you sound a tad insufferable. That might explain why so many of these men bail on you after initial conversations or one date. How long did it take you to think up the phrase “unfortunately affixed with a micro-penis.” That sentence was written with the intention of eliciting laughs and high fives from the girls.  You don’t get to decide if you’re fun and pressure free. That’s for others to determine. People who self-identify as such typically are the opposite.

Third, you enjoy the drama. You created a spreadsheet? You don’t say! You must be so organized and efficient! Drafting a flow chart of all your bad dates is no different than blogging about them. You get something from these bad dates. Maybe it’s attention or sympathy. Maybe it’s a laugh from friends who think your stories are so delightfully entertaining. Or maybe you just love sticking it to guys because it gives you some sense of control over the whole process. Personally, I think it’s all of the above. You enjoy dwelling on all of these horror stories. You’d rather have the bad dates than actually have a guy stick around. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re too good for most men or that the guys you meet aren’t on your level or whatever it is that delusional people tell themselves to explain why they can’t get a date. You’re no different than the men who roll in here on a regular basis to talk about all the serial daters and attention seekers who never answer their emails. The bottom line is that you’re both choosing poorly. You believe that there is nobody out there who will appreciate you. Hence why you never meet anyone with potential. It’s a bad combination of confirmation bias and self-victimization that causes your lack of success.

When I hear someone talk about how bad online dating is and listen to them drone on and on about all the losers they’ve met, I think one thing:  They couldn’t make online dating work to their advantage. They shot way out of their league and came up empty handed time and again.What these folks are actually trying to do is sway others away from using online dating so they can feel like less of a failure. I know. I’ve done it. Equally annoying are the people who don’t even date online that have to preface their opinions about online dating with, “I’ve never done online dating but…”  Translation: Ugh. You poor losers. I don’t have to stoop to trolling dating sites. This just in: meeting someone offline doesn’t make you more attractive or desirable. It means nothing.

Online dating success requires 3 things:

1. Know your audience aka stop shooting out of your league. Sorry, but there are just some people you will never, ever date.

2. Accept that some people suck.

3. Understand that a profile will not help you determine long-term compatibility. That’s what the dates are for.

Online dating works. It does. It is probably one the easiest ways to meet people and get dates. Do I think it’s a great way to find last love? No. But then I don’t think meeting through friends is a sure fire way to find commitment either. It’s all about what you do with the opportunities that are presented to you. If you think it sucks, it will suck. It’s that simple. Lower your expectations and you’ll rarely be disappointed. I can honestly count on one hand how many “bad” dates I’ve had in the last few years. And by bad I mean “didn’t turn into anything memorable.” I have yet to meet a felon or secretly married man. What’s my secret? I don’t go out with everybody who asks. I’m perfectly okay not going out on date night or not having something to yap about on Facebook and Twitter.

OP, if you’re utilizing all the available options to meet men and you can’t seem to get one guy to stick around or are unable to meet someone of quality, the problem is with you. You want me to tell you that men are intimidated by you or weak or a mess. Nope. Not doing it.

Name: AK
Comment: I’ve been seeing this guy for the past few months and he’s made it clear to me he doesn’t have time to devote to a serious relationship because his new job takes up too much time and energy and he has no idea when that will all change, plus he’s new to the city (I know, three DEFINITE red flags for not being relationship-ready: new job, new crazy hours, new to the city). I am looking for a serious relationship, but still have fun with him. So I’m trying to date him while I continue to look for/try to date other men I like. He’s told me despite not wanting to restrict me from dating other people, he would still like to continue dating because he thinks we really “get each other”, says he knows that’s difficult to find, and thinks we have so much fun together when we do see each other. At this point we’re only seeing each other once every other week, and almost three weeks had passed before our most recent date. Is that normal? Is it even worth it to continue dating him at all then, or am I just being unrealistic expecting that people that are just casually dating could still see each other once a week?  I’m curious to know how do fellow online daters define casual dating or as Ok Cupid likes to call it, short-term dating? I think the bottom line is that I probably just can’t handle casual/ expiration date type of dating, if this is what it is.
Age: 31
City: New York
State: NY

Believe it or not, I think most people are in short-term relationships and are casually dating and just don’t know it. Casual dating is the new relationship.

I don’t think it’s unrealistic to think that people who are casually dating can see each other once a week or more. In fact, I would say that that is the norm for casual daters. The thing to remember about casual dating is that is basically means that you’re seeing each other regularly or semi-regularly, sleeping together, but there is no expressed exclusivity or long term commitment. It’s more like Indefinite Dating than Casual Dating. It doesn’t really have an expiration date unless you and the person you’re seeing would like to put one on it. Which, you know, is  a huge buzz kill.

My personal experience, as well as that of many of my friends, is that casual dating isn’t always any different than long term dating or serious dating.  We take trips and go to events together and meet each other’s friends. I think people assume that casual dating is just meeting for drinks and then going home and having sex. Which it can be, and there’s nothing wrong with that. A lot of people like to place importance on the logistics of the dates, how much money is spent, how much time is spent together and what activities are involved other than sex. People comfortable with casual dating don’t really care about that stuff. It’s about the quality of the connection, not the itinerary of events involved.

Can it lead to commitment. Of course. Some people take longer than others to determine the long term compatibility of a person and relationship. Just because they don’t commit after two months doesn’t mean they won’t. That’s where communication is key. If you’re not someone who wants to wait around too long – a valid choice – then you need to be able to stand your ground and ask for what you want.You need to be crystal clear about what you’re asking for, too. You should inquire as to whether or not they see things turning serious or not with you. “I don’t know” is not a No. If someone says they can’t give it to you at that moment, you need to decide whether or not you want to give it time. A flurry of reasons like they’re busy with work or have family obligations, however, is more of a No. More often than not, the excuses as to why they can’t give more are just that. Excuses. They don’t want to give more to you. Maybe not to anyone, but definitely not to you.

The reality of your situation is this: he’s dating other people. Probably a few. You are being rotated in to his schedule. If you don’t like the idea of being one of a few and can’t get that out of your head, you should get out now. Or you can just accept the terms of the situation, detach and pursue other options. Because you undoubtedly have them. You’re just not seeing them because you’re so focused on this guy.

As for the photo attached to this post..come on. How great is that? She’s got a mouth on her. Double entendre! Because not only am I outspoken but, blowjob classes, amirite guys? AMIRITE? I was walking home from brunch and saw that window and was gobsmacked.

Name: Lourdes
Comment: Hi.  I used to live in NY.  I had a short committed relationship with a guy and after we broke up we continued hooking up and the sex got so much better that we continued a fwb relationship for about 6 years;  On and off depending on whether we were in a relationship with others.  But we would always come back to each other because the sex was the best we would ever have.  We just got so comfortable with each other.  Our bodies were like magnets.  I live in Miami now.  my fwb was visiting often but now we both got involved with other people so it stopped.  Which takes me to my situation.  My boyfriend (been with him for 7 months now) is great.  I love him and see a future with him.  And although we have sex regularly I dont enjoy it as much as I did with my fwb.  I mean my bf really tries and I do end up enjoying myself.  But with my fwb it was explosive, out of this world.  I would come 6-12times.  With my boyfriend 1, up to 3 on a good day.  But it does take a lot of effort to get there in part because my boyfriends penis is on the smaller side. Im wondering if any married people out there can tell me if they’ve been in similar situations and if they are happy even though the sex with their partner is not the best they’ve had.
Age: 33
City: Miami
State: Fl

I think the first thing you need to do is grow up. Listening to women brag about all the “amazing” sex they have makes me cringe. Hate to break it to you, but committing to someone involves a series of trade-offs. Oh well. You’re not going to be able to have your 6-12 orgasms (*eyeroll*) any more.  You’re just going to have to settle for climaxing two or three times with the man that loves you and actually wants to be with you. In what world is three orgasms in a night not good sex? Seriously?

I had a similar relationship with someone off and on for several years. In the beginning, the sex was fantastic. We did all kinds of experimenting. The sexual attraction was intense. But that intensity flickers on and off. Sometimes we would go out and come home and lie in bed and just..talk. If anything, over time we became less sexual towards each other but more affectionate. We would still have sex and it was still good. But wass it the explosive sex it used to be? Nope. There was a definite “been there, done that” feeling to it sometimes. That’s life. We get bored with our sexual partners like we get bored with anything else we have regularly, over and over, for an extended period of time. It’s not always going to be handcuffs, facials and threeways. We continued to see each other because we transcended the initial hot sexual connection and built a trust and consideration for each other. Basically, we just really enjoyed each other. That, in addition to an initial strong sexual compatibility,  is what you should want in a partner. You have to like being with them. You can’t ever feel like you’re enduring them and their “small” penis.

You sound like you think you’re doing him a favor by allowing him to get you off. Do him a favor and leave him now if you feel you are making some kind of ultimate sacrifice by staying with a man who loves you and treats you well who “only” gets you off once or twice per session.

UPDATED: Am I the only one who made the connection between the details of this story and the ones from this one:

http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2012/01/15/beware-the-man-who-commits-too-soon/

Ages line up, so do locations and fact that the OP moved from NYC to Florida.

Name: AW

Comment: Hi, Several weeks ago I emailed a man on a dating site and nicely expressed my interest in him. He emailed me back with a nice reply. I provided my number, but never heard from him, until few weeks later when he emailed me and asked if I had time to talk a bit. He called and we talked for several hours and made plans to maybe get together the next day. The following day he called around 8:30pm ( we both were busy that day and had agreed that we get in touch later in the evening). We talked for some minutes when he stated “if we end up talking again why don’t I bring a bottle of wine and come over.” I agreed. He came over, and it was lust at first sight. Needless to say we ended up in bed. He called the next day. Couple of days after we went walking and ended up in bed again. He called 3 days later but I had missed his call. I called him back 45 minutes later and left a message. It has been a week now and I have not heard from him. The question is, what happened? I am not in the habit of sleeping with a man  the first time we meet ( this was the first time for me) but it just felt so perfect. I am a self-contained and bright woman(and very attractive for 51)my happiness does not depend on the approval of a man, however this left me feeling hurt and I can not figure out how and why the quick change of mind, on his part, came about. Thank you for your time.
Age: 51
City: pasadena
State: CA

There was no quick change of mind on his part. He was never that interested. It had nothing to do with the sex or anything you said. This guy was never going to stick around for long.

The first sign that this guy was going to pull The Fade on you was that it took him a few weeks to call you. In the future, if you give someone your number and it takes them more than a couple days to call or text you, walk away. That’s a bad sign. As I have mentioned before, the world of online dating spins pretty fast. Somebody who lets several days to weeks go by before contacting you is moderately to barely interested in you.

The second sign was that he coyly suggested that he should just come over with a bottle of wine and you two could “talk.” This guy probably has a fridge stocked with wine specifically for this. Booty wine. He made zero effort in this situation. He wanted to skip past the first date and go right to the point where he walks you home and invites himself inside. People have to make some semblance of effort, be it in money spent or putting themselves together to investing the hour or so into awkward conversation. He wasn’t willing to do any of that.

You know how we talk about how women should be very careful about making the first move because it can make them too vulnerable? This is a perfect example. I am all for women being proactive, especially when it comes to online dating. But we have to be smart about it and recognize the signs that someone is just taking what is offered because it’s offered. If a woman initiates conversation with a guy or she asks him out, and she’s hoping for something that goes beyond a couple of hook ups, she does need to make sure the guy reciprocates the effort and initiative. That doesn’t guarantee that he won’t fade, but it will lessen the chance.

Dismiss any feedback that says you didn’t make him work for it and he lost interest. That’s not what happened. There was no genuine interest to lose. This has nothing to do with you making it too easy for him or not presenting enough of a challenge. Seriously, single women of this planet, stop buying into that slut shamey crap. This guy was never going to stick around. This guy never would have suggested that you and he go on an actual date. He was always going to go for the “why don’t I come over and we can share a bottle of wine” route.

Name: Alex
Comment: How do I identify a female serial dater that is just looking for a “free” night out?

Any hints that I should look for either on her profile, messages or within the first few minutes of meeting?
Age: 38
City: Woodside
State: NY

Okay. Let’s break this one down bullet point style. These apply to both men and women.

1. They’re too hot for you or out of your league - We all know, or at least we should, what our typical pull is. If somebody that you know, based on your past experience, is not someone you could normally effortlessly attract, then they’re probably just looking for sex or a free meal. If you’re a guy in your late thirties or older and a woman in her mid to even late twenties is expressing interest, she’s probably just looking for the experience or story to tell. I’ve said this before, and fire up your torches now, women in their late twenties who want marriage and kids aren’t prioritizing men in their late thirties or older. They don’t have to. Flame away.

2. They upgrade the date - If you suggest Place A to meet and it’s reasonably accessible and central to both of you as any first date should be, and she tries to steer you towards a place that is more expensive, she’s probably a serial dater. Same goes for men who pick spots 2 blocks from their apartment and make you travel 40 blocks to meet them. If you and your date decide that you’ll meet for a drink, then keep it at a drink unless the person perceived to be paying (aka the asker) asks if you want something to eat. Hungry? Suck it up for an hour or so. Don’t bamboozle your date into footing the bill for your meal.

3. They don’t show much interest in getting to know you before you meet – While I’m not a fan of the extended messaging, there should be a modest amount of conversation involved before you meet up with someone. If you ask them questions and they don’t reciprocate the interest or skirt them, they might just be looking for a date or something to do because it’s date night.

4. There’s a long lapse in between messages – Someone genuinely interested in meeting you will not leave you hanging. They will be responsive. You won’t be confused as to whether or not a date you set up is still on. You or they will contact the other to confirm and they’ll follow up in a timely fashion. If you send a text the day of a date and several hours go by and you don’t hear from them, it’s not a good sign. A polite person will reply quickly so as not to muck up your schedule. The long delay is because they either don’t know their schedule yet (maybe because they’re waiting to see if other plans come through) or are blowing you off. Somebody truly into meeting you will do what they can to ensure that happens.

5. They select only “New Friends” as the kind of relationships they seek – Now, this could be an oversight on their part. I believe OKCupid automatically populates that option for new members. If there are no tell tale signs of just wanting to meet new people in their profile, give them the benefit of the doubt. But if they talk about how they are new in town, new to OKCupid, newly single, watch out. These people are probably experiencing kid in the candy store syndrome.

6. They fade and re-appear - Everybody does this at one time or another, I think. You meet someone you like but you play the field and keep your options open. You make plans with someone you’re so so about just to stay busy. Then you cancel when the person you really want to go out with contacts you.

The important thing to remember is that you will never be able to completely avoid these people. Some folks are just really, really good at dancing the dance. Accept that you’re going to get fooled here and there and you’ll be a lot happier. There are no lists or rules or foolproof tests that will prevent you from encountering people with less than good intentions. We’ve all been tricked at one time or another. We survived. You will too.

Name: James
Comment: Recently an old friend reached out to me over social networks, someone who’ve I’ve had sporadic contact with over the years.

I had a huge crush on her a long time ago, and there’s still some lingering feelings there to this day. Turns out she had the same kind of strong feelings for me at the same time, but the timing wasn’t right for us.

She is now married, but in our conversations on social media, she never mentions her husband. We spend most of our time reminiscing on the old days and what might have been, and how we felt for each other. I admit I do flirt (I’m single) but while she doesn’t really flirt back or encourage more, she doesn’t exactly discourage the advances either.

There’s times that we spend up to almost 3 in the morning chatting away, I asked her if she ever asked herself why she finds herself talking to me these late nights, and she talked about her connection with me, and she missed talking to me. I find it odd that she spends this time talking to me, and not her husband, and quite frankly, if I was her husband, I wouldn’t be happy with these conversations my wife is having with another man, whether he’s an old friend or not.

Part of me wants to pursue this, and part of me wants to let her go for good, or at least put back the distance that previously was between us. I’m not sure if she’s interested, or if she’s just basking in the attention of a past crush. Your thoughts?
Age: 39
City: Philadelphia
State: PA

I think she’s probably not terribly satisfied with her relationship with her husband. I’m not sure how she gets away with carrying on chats with you until the wee hours of the morning. He’s either dead asleep, which means she’s doing it behind his back, or he’s not around. That would explain why she’s filling that void with you.

I think you might be romanticizing this a bit, fantasizing about a crush from long ago and marveling at how life has brought you back together, etc. No. It’s not fate. She’s just bored and reaching out to you because she knows you probably still carry a torch for her. She’s just looking for attention. She’s probably not even interested in you or she would be returning the flirtatious behavior.

I wouldn’t waste any more time with this. It’s not going anywhere.