“But…I respect women!”

You can respect a woman and still want to have sex with her. You can choose to believe that it’s your respect for women that prevents you from getting laid if you like, though. I mean, it’s not. You’re not getting laid because women don’t want to have sex with you. It’s adorable that you want to prove to us how you want us more for our brains and hearts. But what we want is for you f— us and f— us well. So work on that and stop trying to woo us with your mad skills at being our pals. Also cease desperately trying to differentiate yourselves from the PUAs. You both want to get laid. So get off your high horse. If you sit there and say that that isn’t a primary goal, then you’re lying. Or you just don’t like sex. Any guy who says that sex isn’t a priority in a relationship is suspect in my book. They are the same men who use their total lack of interest in sex as a selling point.  It’s not. You’re either not very sexual, bad in bed or sexually confused.  Only very inexperienced women will buy that schtick, and they will eventually wake up when they hear about all the sex their friends are having. I’m more annoyed by the “I respect women!” types. It’s just as disingenuous as the stupid Game crap. You can still respect me while your head is buried between my legs. So get to it. You don’t have to go the way of the PUA’s and neg us. Just don’t be so afraid to offend us. It’s okay to be a little bit dirty.

Women act like they’re offended by sex talk, but they’re really not. We want you to want us. We want to reply back with some saucy response laced with subtle sexual innuendo. What we’re afraid of  is either disappointing you sexually or..

“But..I don’t want him to think I’m a slut!”

Sweetie, wanting to have sex does not make you a slut. Stop listening to your bitchy, asexual and perpetually single friends. Also tune out the men out there in whom you confide who warn you against letting loose too soon.  Those guys don’t get laid. Sorry, but it’s true. They are that guy that every woman befriends because he’s safe. She has no desire to have sex with him.

PS? Men like “sluts.” Men even respect “sluts.” Know why? Because they are doing what they want and not what they think people expect. This idea that man don’t respect “easy” women is a myth perpetuated by every woman who slept with a guy and then blew up his phone with texts asking why he hadn’t called her. Respect has nothing to do with it. As long as you show that you respect yourself in other ways, you’ll be just fine.

Now, what is it about men and women that make the opposite sex desire them? Let’s see:

Mystery - If you’re someone who excels in writing but struggles to communicate in person, you’re in luck. The less you say, the better. This is another reason to make your date and then not communicate until you meet. People always screw this up. They keep emailing and texting and eventually you learn more than you want and you’re turned off. There’s a line between being coy and being a bore, though. You have to develop some level of communication skills and social aptitude. If we smell insecurity, our attraction wanes.You need to hint at your naughtier side without giving it all away. Ladies, take that little straw in your drink and put it in your mouth for a few seconds. Don’t treat it like a tooth pick. Treat it like a penis. You know what I’m talking about. No need to hit anybody over the head with your longing to get horizontal. A hint here and there will do just fine.

Vulnerability - I’ve brought up this example before using my imaginary boyfriend Jeremy Renner. Any man who can make Jeffrey Dahmer seem sympathetic has skill.  His exterior is rough around the edges, therefore he poses somewhat of a challenge. What saves him is his ability to show his sensitive and raw side. He’s not afraid to look “weak.” It’s the outer, slightly dangerous side that draws you in. But it’s the accessible vulnerability that keeps you there. This is why so many women who believe they are “sassy” screw up. They end up coming off cold and bitchy. You have to offer softness with a side of teasing. Not the other way around.

What you shouldn’t do is make your whole interaction about sex. That’s when you appear desperate. And desperate isn’t sexy. Any guy that can’t get off (hah. see what I did there?) the sex topic reeks of desperation and social awkwardness. Guys with experience and skill know how to walk that line.

I can remember setting up a date with a guy last summer. I suggested a  bar located between both of our neighborhoods. He countered with an offer to come over my place with a bottle of wine. Nothing sounds more awkward than having someone in my home that I do not find attractive that is clearly hoping to get laid. And that’s what the “why don’t we just hang at my place” first dates are – blatant, tragic attempts at getting laid. That person doesn’t even want to try to create any sexual tension. They just want you to have sex with them. Desperado. Or sex addict. No thanks. Anybody who would put themselves into that position is hard-up.

Ladies, too,  need to save the “slutty” talk until after the clothes come off. I know you girls know what I’m talking about. The dirty talk. Once the mutual interest and participation has been established, then introduce it. Up to that point, you can hint, you can flirt…but don’t break out the big guns until naked. Once that occurs, you’re free to unleash your inner slut whenever you like.

That’s it. If someone you’re flirting with isn’t imagining what you’re going to be like in bed, then you might as well put yourself in the friend zone.

Here’s a question for your column:

I’ve been dating a woman for about a month. She stays over and in the morning we usually have sex. Her morning breath is horrendous. The other day it got so bad I had to flip her over half-way through so I didn’t have to smell it. I know I have to say something, but how do you approach that sort of conversation? – My friend B.

Thoughts?

Name: Alexis
Age: 43
State: CA
Question: I recently had a blind date that went well with a lot of good conversation, laughs and both of us stating a desire to see each other again. And yes, he told me he was very attracted to me physically and we kissed and were a bit affectionate at the end of the date.  The next day I get an email from this guy saying he does not think we are a good match for a long-term relationship but could we be friends.  Though I felt wrongly-judged by this I decided that I would like to get to know him as a friend.  So we had another date and I asked him more about how he knew I was not a good match for him for the long-term after having been on only one date.  He replied that he knew within an hour of being with me and that his instinct told him that.  This was fine with me because I did not have strong feelings for him either way.

So my question is “Do most people know in such a short time if your date is long-term relationship potential?”  All that I know after 15 minutes or after one date is if I want to have another date and if I am attracted to the person physically or otherwise. Is this true for most daters?  How much can you possibly know without knowing the person that well and is  that automatic instinct something we should be listening to or not?  Looking forward to hearing  people’s opinions.  Thanks.

ps: I am NOT wanting opinions on the actual date or the guy’s intentions because it does not matter.  Thanks.

Howsabout you let me decide what I choose to write about? See, answering these letters isn’t just about the person who submitted the question. It’s about dressing broader issues so that there will be a take away for everybody.

Though I felt wrongly-judged by this I decided that I would like to get to know him as a friend.  So we had another date

No, you didn’t have another date. Because you’re not dating, remember? You’re just friends.

I asked him more about how he knew I was not a good match for him for the long-term after having been on only one date.  He replied that he knew within an hour of being with me and that his instinct told him that.

Oh. Then why did he express interest in seeing you again and act all affectionate if his inner Oracle is so damn accurate and delivers such speedy results? Inconsistency.

I believe that he doesn’t see you as being long-term relationship material. And I agree that people know pretty quickly- even after one date -  when there’s little chance of long term compatibility. I don’t believe the opposite, however. I don’t believe that people can know or even suspect that someone is long term relationship material after one date.  I don’t think they could know that even after one year. Making that determination takes time, maturity and experience.

People need to have a mature understanding of relationships and compatibility. Thinking that you and your partner are compatible because you share similar senses of humor or love of activities is immature. In order to figure out what you really want and what is important, you have to learn what you don’t want. That’s where the experience comes in. Someone who is in their first adult relationship doesn’t have anything to which they can compare their current relationship.

Now I see why you didn’t want me to comment on his intentions. You want to believe that this guy is genuinely interested in being your friend. That he  really likes you..just not that way. I’m sorry, but I’m going to call bullshit on your claim that it doesn’t bother you that he told you you weren’t long term relationship material. If it didn’t bother you, you wouldn’t have asked him to further explain himself.

I’m also going to call bullshit on this guy’s supposed interest in being friends. Yes, I know. Some of you will rush to share your stories about how the time you said you agreed to be friends with someone you went out with was different. Of course it was. Men usually keep women around for two reasons – social proof and sex. Rarely, though it does happen, do men actively befriend women because they enjoy their company or their perspectives on life. That is unless there’s a pre-established relationship. Like, say, with an ex. Not with a woman with whom he had one date.

This guy doesn’t want to be your friend. This guy wants to casually date you and have sex with you without any commitment. That was his plan all along. He lured you in with the promise of a relationship, got you where he wanted you, then dropped the anvil. And there you are holding on to his coat tails, all excited that he saw something in you that he probably doesn’t see in other women.

Boooooooooooooooooooooo!

So my question is “Do most people know in such a short time if your date is long-term relationship potential?”

And do you know why you want to know other people’s thoughts on this? Because you want to believe that there’s still hope and that he’ll change his mind. There isn’t and he won’t.

Now let’s open up the floor to everybody else.

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The author, Nick, poses the question of whether or not porn is interfering with men’s/people’s dating success.

Almost every guy I talked to had the same reason for their dating struggles — they weren’t meeting enough girls. They gave excuses like “I don’t have the time,” or “I just don’t feel like it.” So, I pried further to determine where this lack of motivation stemmed from.

I found out that these men do have the time and energy to socialize with more women. This includes their lunch breaks, after work, on the weekends, and during errands. The glaring problem was that their daily routine included going home, pleasing themselves to porn, and then relaxing to play video games or surf the net…..

Consistent masturbation to pornography stops men from meeting women.

I don’t know. I’m not so sure that porn really has anything to do with it. Doesn’t this speak more to the possibility that these guys just don’t have an overwhelming desire to date anyone? I mean, if masturbating sates a person’s desire for companionship, doesn’t that really speak to the importance they place upon a need for companionship more than anything else? Therefore, it’s not the porn that is the problem. Nor is it the accessibility and ease of wanking it. I would think it’s the person’s desire to interact and form connections with other people that is the issue. Maybe it stems from a fear of rejection or a simple lack of interest in dealing with the hassle of dating. I don’t know. But I highly doubt that porn is the problem. It might be an outlier, but it’s not the root cause of why these guys aren’t going out and meeting people. Personally, I think that if guys consider masturbation to be better than a real live person from time to time, there are much deeper issues at work. You can get off and have no desire to meet anyone in those few hours after, but that typically fades, doesn’t it? Sure, if you’re sitting at home pleasuring yourself every 4-6 hours on the clock, then that might be a problem. What’s keeping people from going on dates or meeting people isn’t that they’ve relieved a sexual urge. It’s that they’re probably depressed. Porn or no porn, that would still be a factor. The correlation being drawn here doesn’t really work for me. But then, I think most of the correlations we draw between certain behavior and an outcome are sometimes faulty and our a result of us projecting our insecurities or fears on to other people .

Take that post we discussed last month about the woman who wrote out a tutorial for other single women about how to find a boyfriend via online dating. She did all these things, like post a photo sans make up, and drew the conclusion that those very things are what attracted the guy she was dating. Yet she and this man had only been dating a few months, and he ended up breaking up with her not too long after her story went live on her site. (Mind you, one of them was how she liked to be spanked. So in that regard she might have a point.) Maybe if she had 3 or 4 relationships that came about due to this profile, then her theory might be true. But one instance does not indicate a pattern.

I was reading another story the other day about a woman who had been set up on a date by a matchmaker. From the minute the matchmaker informed her of the date, she went looking for clues to help her determine the guy’s level of interest. She followed the matchmaker’s instructions and placed an introductory phone call, then she sent him and email and he replied to that and they set up the date. But he didn’t contact her in the time between when they set up the date and the day of the date. So she show’s up at the restaurant and it’s pouring rain outside. She sends him a text to let him know she is there just in case he doesn’t know who she is. (Side note: the matchmaker didn’t send either of them photos of the other.) So 10-15 minutes go by and the guy shows up and she’s sitting at the bar. He finds her and she offers to go to the hostess to see if their table is ready. When she leaves he pulls out his phone, and he’s still checking messages when she gets back to their spot at the bar. Of course, she’s miffed that he “couldn’t wait” to pull out his phone then, yet didn’t manage to reply to her text just 15 minutes before. Never considering that, um, it was pouring rain outside and he was either walking in the rain and didn’t want his phone to get wet or just rushing to get to the place on time to meet her. Then she goes on to share that he kept stabbing his lemon and was pleasant enough, but…

So she offers to drive him to his car at the end of the date. She drops him off and they hug good bye and she says something to him about seeing him again. He gives a vague reply. He never calls her again.

Let’s rewind for a moment. So he did all these things that apparently annoyed her…yet she still wanted to see him again? Okay. Here comes the part where we play what my friend M. calls the “reading tea leaves” game. That is when we review the dates in our heads and pick out things that serve as “evidence” to support our rationalizations. Her findings? He was unavailable. Based on the things he did that I mentions above, he was an unavailable guy. It wasn’t as simple as the guy just wasn’t into her. It became about all the negative things he did that proved that the outcome had absolutely nothing to do with her.

We do this, thought, don’t we? We look for causes and effects and correlations? We do all kinds of what some people refer to as “unethical research” in order to come up with definitive explanations. I think we do this because we need to connect  a bunch of insignificant and innocuous dots rather than face the truth.

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Much of the research on work-life conflict focuses on harried working mothers trying to juggle everything, desperate for more time, with lots of reasons to leave work early. But an even higher proportion of single women yearn for more free time; 68% of childless women say they would prefer having more time over more money, compared with 62% of women with children, according to a 2011 More magazine survey of 500 college-educated professional women over 34.

“People talk about, how do working mothers do it? But how do singles do it?” says Sherri Langburt, founder of SingleEditionMedia.com, a New York agency that advises brands on marketing to singles and runs a network for bloggers on singles topics.

Just so I’m understanding this properly…..singles now want props for being being able to wash their clothes, feed themselves and work? They want credit for being responsible adults? For reals? And we’re supposed to compare the responsibilities of a single parent – the biggest one being raising a child that will become a productive member of society – to those of someone without kids?

I’m not going to lie. There are some days when the burden of being the breadwinner and getting everything done gets overwhelming. I took a major financial hit shutting down the Sex Ed Salons. Huge, in fact. I don’t regret it for a minute.  I’m lucky to have so many options to generate income, as well as a father who planned well for me and left me with no school loans, and that I was able to re-build a new channel. But I made this choice. Just like people who go to business school or law school made theirs. Being a grown up sucks sometimes. No question. I have sympathy for anybody who has to support themselves or support a family on their own. The emotional toll is huge and exhausting for both. However, it seems slightly self-indulgent to whine about your inability to do your laundry or go to the gym when there are single and coupled up people out there who don’t know how they are going to pay their mortgage next month.

Without a partner to help, singles must “get the laundry done, get to the gym, buy groceries and get to the job,” plus plan social activities or volunteer work and sometimes care for aging relatives, too.

“No one is focusing attention on those women or men, who are achieving such great levels in their careers, all alone,” Ms. Langburt says.

I realize I might be using a tiny group on which to base my opinions but…I know lawyers who work insane hours yet still manage to go on a couple dates a week and meet up with friends at least once a week. Are there phases here and there were free time is sparse? Absolutely. I have another friend who works for a financial firm AND went to business school full time who also manages to have social outings a couple times a week. Then there’s my other friend who works from 9 til about 7 each night, gets to the gym, travels 2-3 times a year and has 1-2 dates per week. Oh, and all these people also manage to get to the supermarket and get their clothes washed. Plus there are these things called laundry services as well as this nifty thing called The Internet where you can, like, buy stuff and have it delivered.

A 37-year-old New Jersey project consultant with an active social life says she faces piles of dirty dishes, laundry and unanswered mail when she gets home each evening, and she can’t get started on important financial planning.

“Some of my friends who are married or in long-term relationships are always asking me for my fun New York City gossip and my ‘Sex and the City’ lifestyle,” says Melissa J. Anderson, 29, a website editor who lives in Brooklyn. But that “is not exactly the case.”

She commutes an hour round-trip to her job, where she puts in a 10-hour workday, and attends work-related events several evenings each week. Weekends, she volunteers at an AIDS charity, works a few more hours and squeezes in time at the gym. She recently dined on beans and rice for a week because she couldn’t make it to her neighborhood grocery store before it closed at 8 p.m.

Okay…seriously???  This is their version of suffering? Here’s an idea…wash your plate after you use it instead of letting it sit in the sink. Ta da! Why does this sound like these people suffer from a bad case of The I Don’t Wannas?

“I’m tired…I don’t wanna do my laundry.”

“I want to take a hot bath. I don’t wanna go food shopping.”

To me, the people in this article came off insanely self-absorbed and  the gripes seemed trivial. Is this part of the self-victimization that we’ve been talking about around here? Or is this a case of underlying resentment towards people who managed to find someone to support them emotionally or otherwise?

My father always said to me, from a  young age, that life is about choices. At some point, whether it’s because you have children or choose to get married or choose to pursue a career, you’re going to have to sacrifice. That’s what being adult is all about. Nobody said that life, whether you’re single or not, was going to be easy.

Maybe that’s the problem? Perhaps the people in this article and those who inspired it had inordinate expectations of what their life was supposed to look like?

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Name: Susan
Age: 52
State: NY
Website:
Question: This is not a question, but a suggestion: When you list the ages for a speed-dating party, it would be helpful if you listed for instance: Men 40-55 and Women 35-45. You have no idea how it feels to be a woman on the older end of the scale, and not get picked, even once, by any of the men, just because they only want to date the younger ladies. And these are men who in actuality, by looking and talking to them, cannot afford to be so picky.

Unfortunately, Susan, the men do get to be a bit more picky. Not much more. But they do have some wiggle room that women don’t. As I said in a comment today, men have more options now than ever before. Between the fact that fewer women are marrying and how more and more women are taking a more casual attitude towards sex, men have a bevvy of options from which to choose. They don’t have to abide by certain guidelines or expectations anymore.

I have to ask, though, why a woman at the very end of an age range of 42-52 would even bother going to such an event? Obviously, you are free to pursue men of whatever age you like. But if you know that most men will want the younger women, then why set yourself up for disappointment? Why not go to an event for an older age range? While some organizations, mine for instance, don’t offer events for the over 50 crowd because they are almost impossible to fill for men, some do. Try 8minuteDating or HurryDate for starters. I realize there is a dearth of events for your age range. It’s unfortunate. Filling events for that age bracket is daunting task. If the reason you chose that event is because you didn’t want to go to a social event with an older age range, then keep reading.

Name: Louis

Age: 47
State: MA

I just attended a 40-55 speed date event with another organization.  All it did was re-affirm my perspective of not wanting to attended events for that age range.

As I mentioned before – [women in that age range are] not my personality, boring, home bound, not very active or adventurous… the most exciting thing they do is have dinner with friends and watch movies and take tropical vacations.  Hey I’m all for tropical vacations, but lets go diving, or para-sailing or enjoy some local culture and by that I don’t mean visit the gift shops! I am not a person of stereotypes at all.  I truly enjoy learning about culture, heritage and what makes a person unique but that doesn’t mean they match my lifestyle. I’m sure there are exceptions to my own findings but I need to focus my efforts where I get the best results and have the most fun doing it.

I frequently hear men and women in their 40′s say that they don’t like dating people too much older than them because they want someone with an active lifestyle. They wish to avoid the drudgery of dating a couch potato. Then they talk about how much they love hiking and biking and various other activities.

I think people need to be made aware of the fact that an activity does not count as a lifestyle. Healthy living is a lifestyle. Living in a city versus a suburb (or vice versa) is a lifestyle. Enjoying the occasional para-gliding outing while on your tropical vacation is not a lifestyle. An activity does not define one’s lifestyle.

A lifestyle is consistent behavior that centers around certain values. Exercise is part of a lifestyle. Veganism is a lifestyle. Do you see the difference?

Louis’s explanation as to why he doesn’t want to meet women “in that age range” rings false to me. I don’t think this is about lifestyle choices at all. I think it’s about not wanting to admit you’re not 30 anymore and accepting the reality that, if it’s a relationship that you want, your days of being picky over things like this are over. For reals. Time to pull up those Big Boy/Girl Pants and accept the fact that you got to be 40something and single for frivolous reasons like this.

This is similar to the women who are 5’4″ and refuse to date anybody who isn’t at least 5’9″ because they like wearing high heels. No, you just don’t want anybody – namely other women -  to look at you and wonder if that was is the best you could do. Same goes for men and women who refuse to date people their age or older. They hate the idea that people might look at their partners and wonder why they couldn’t get anybody younger. The women guilty of thinking like this all believe they look 10 years younger than they do. They therefore feel they should be able to pull a man their age or a few years their junior. The men with trepidation about dating women their age fear that people will assume something is wrong with them that they couldn’t find a younger woman.

I understand the desire to want someone who is active or young at heart. There’s nothing that says you can’t introduce someone to your preferred hobbies. There are plenty of people who would love to travel or get outdoors more. Maybe they have an exhausting job, or kids to care for. Or maybe they just don’t have anything to prove and are perfectly okay with being their age.

I have no problem with people saying that they aren’t attracted to men or women in this age range. That’s fine. It’s a personal choice. But please stop using silly excuses that are really just a mask for your own fear of being judged negatively by people.

Name: Amy
Age: 30
State:
Question: I wrote in several months ago about a guy I was dating who’d invited me to Thanksgiving with his family, but didn’t want to be in a relationship.  We were only dating and sleeping with each other, we said we loved each other, we did everything a couple does except calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend.

He said he wanted to lose weight, he wanted to get a job he was happy with, he wanted to be completely over his ex and other hard stuff from the past, that he had a lot to work on before he could be in a relationship.  He said he had too much to deal with in his world to take on somebody else’s world.  (I should note here that I’ve know him for thirteen years, though we only really got to know each other last year.  His sister and I are old high school friends.  His dad and I get along wonderfully.  This isn’t just some random guy.)  Anyways, all those things made sense to me.  He told his dad he loved me, but wasn’t ready for a relationship; he told his friends, too.  Believing I understood the situation, I asked for space, so he could get his stuff together and so I wouldn’t feel like I was being strung along.

He called drunk one night, saying he was a loser and missed me.  I tried to be comforting and understanding.  He called me drunk again on New Years and talked for an hour, literally an hour, about how he was talking about me all night, how he missed and loved me, how I was so thoughtful, and then started crying about the sweetness of the Christmas gift I gave him.  It pulled on my heart so much that, like a dope, I went over his place.  During sex, he did something that I’d already told him I didn’t like; I got upset.  I didn’t get angry, I got sad.  I just started crying and told him I didn’t like that and he knew it.  I asked him to please talk with me so we could both be on the same page, so maybe he could understand, really, why I didn’t like that, and so I could stop hurting.  He refused.  He said he didn’t care.  I was incredibly confused and hurt and broke the Christmas gift I got him (anger/violence is really out of character for me).  He then kicked me out.

A month later (a day or two after I’d contacted a therapist to help sort out all my confusion and hurt), I got a three minute long voicemail from him, saying he was sorry, that it didn’t take him a month to realize he was wrong, but his ego was in the way, that I deserved better than that, that he didn’t want me to think he was a jerk who didn’t care, that he didn’t expect this to fix anything, but just really wanted to say he was sorry.  I didn’t respond.  He sent an email a few days later, saying he hoped I got his voicemail and that he hoped all was well with me and that he had a job interview soon.

I didn’t want to call or email, but I didn’t want to leave him hanging, either, because I know that that hurts.  I wrote him a letter, snail mail, and thanked him for apologizing, told him he still meant a lot to me, that his apology meant a lot to me and that it gave me what I needed to heal.  I told him I just needed space, to process everything, to feel okay about it all.  He emailed me right away after he got the letter.  In his email he made a joke about the thing he did during sex; I don’t want to say what he did, but the joke went something like: I’m sorry I did that to you.  It felt amazing and that’s why I did it.  If you weren’t so much fun to have sex with, maybe I wouldn’t have done it and maybe you wouldn’t be so mad at me.

He also said he didn’t want us to rehash/discuss what happened anymore, that he was tired of dissecting stuff like that . . . then he explained his side.  I realize he sounds like an ass, and definitely screwed with my head, but I’m still hurt.  He was the first guy I ever had sex with.  I’m 30 and I realize that’s not common, but because of past sexual and verbal abuse, it was incredibly hard for me to let men get close.

Anyways, after his email, I wrote back, saying I didn’t think his joke was funny, and that he explained his side after saying he didn’t want to discuss it anymore.  I wrote: people have the want/need to be understood, but they also have the need/want to not have to deal with hard things; maybe you needed both.  I told him I still cared about him, but was very hurt and to please not write back anymore.  He wrote back right away, saying he was sorry, and he included a link to a cute animal picture (I love cute animals).  I didn’t write back.  Several days later, he sent another email with another cute animal link. At this point, I was having panic attacks when I saw his name in my inbox.  A few days later, I finally wrote back telling him all this was very hard, that he needed to be fair in terms of communication, to be all in or all out, to either have a long, hard discussion with me about everything or leave me alone completely.  This was in February.  I haven’t heard from him since.

Five or six weeks after I sent him that email, on April 1st, he got into a relationship with a girl he was already friends with, who, about a month or two prior, separated from her husband (a guy she dated for years and was married to for not even a year).  After a week of them being boyfriend and girlfriend, he took her to Easter dinner with his family.  I’ve deleted him from Facebook and have deleted my account all together, but the last I saw was that he was working out and was much “healthier and happier”; his girlfriend liked it and commented that she would “love it” if she could.

I am in therapy to help me deal with all the confusion, which is helping, but I’m writing to get as many points of view as possible; I’m still confused about it all.  It’s May and I’m better, but I still get really sad sometimes.  Here’s my questions: is it normal to still get so hurt/sad by stuff that happened three months ago?  From the outside, his new relationship looks like a rebound, or a confidence booster for both parties, but could it be real?  That blows my mind and makes me feel like he was lying to me the whole time about not being ready, which means he was using me, which makes me feel awful inside, because I believed him and believed in him.

I think this would be a lot easier if I wasn’t friends with his sister and dad.  I’m going to her wedding later this year and am so scared to see him there, to maybe see him with this girlfriend who he got with so soon after me.

I’m 30 and I realize that’s not common, but because of past sexual and verbal abuse, it was incredibly hard for me to let men get close.

Okay, but you let this guy get close. That negates the “I was abused and it’s hard for me to let a guy in” reasoning. It’s not hard for you to let a guy in. It’s hard for you to let the right guys in and reject the wrong ones. This is similar to the excuses you read in the dating blogosphere. The women in their thirties and forties whining about how hard it is for them to trust men and that’s why they keep dating unavailable men or none of their relationships work out. The relationships don’t work out because the women are limited or damaged in some way and refuse to change. They like being the wounded bird. It’s a comfortable and convenient excuse to explain why they can’t keep a guy around. You can’t keep falling back on the abuse excuse to justify your behavior. It’s not an excuse. It’s a contributing factor, but not an excuse. I say that as someone who has been through a similar experience. We don’t get to play that card after a certain point. We just don’t. You just don’t go breaking items in people’s homes and then say, “But..but..I was abused!” It’s great that you’re in therapy, but if your sessions revolve around examining his behavior and relationship, you’re wasting your money.

I don’t want to say what he did,

Trust me. Most of us have figured it out. I get that you set a boundary and he crossed it and you felt violated. You are absolutely justified in being upset at that. Someone who does that doesn’t respect you. He then made it worse by trying to downplay it. This guy is a mess in numerous ways.

Here’s my questions: is it normal to still get so hurt/sad by stuff that happened three months ago?

Nobody gets to dictate when or how you process something. Normal is subjective. Is it destructive to stew in this situation? Yes. It’s not healthy. But you’ll get through it when you get through it. You have no experience with this, which is why it’s taking so long to heal. Like anything else, it’s a learning process. Trust me. You’ll eventually get to a point where you look at his Facebook page and laugh at him. Once you stop caring what he thinks, you’ll be surprised how easy it is to see him for who he really is.

From the outside, his new relationship looks like a rebound, or a confidence booster for both parties, but could it be real?

Sure. He could even marry her. I highly doubt it’s any more healthy than his relationship with you, though. He just managed to find someone who accepts and embraces his immaturity and stupidity. They aren’t compatible in spite of his issues. They are compatible because of them.

That blows my mind and makes me feel like he was lying to me the whole time about not being ready, which means he was using me, which makes me feel awful inside, because I believed him and believed in him.

Yup. That sucks. But I don’t think he was lying about being ready. I don’t think he is ready for a truly mature and adult relationship. Like I said, he just found someone who is accepting of his very obvious limitations. Someone who will fawn over him on Facebook and write cutesy replies to his lame commentary. Men like this don’t wake up one day and become self-actualized and mature human beings. They just find someone who doesn’t know any better and then hopes for the best.

You’re both emotionally immature. That’s why you engaged each other. That’s why you believed him. He will never truly understand why you were hurt. There is no point in trying to get him to see your side of things. He’s not capable of doing that.

Use this experience to propel you to the next level.

Name: Starshine
Age: 30
State: NYC
Question: I was just reading the “Connection Without Commitment” article posted on your blog and was thinking about a new category that could be added into dating websites to help clarify men and women’s intentions on these sites. How about just adding a “friends with benefits” category under the “looking for” question? That category would indicate that a person was looking for a “connection without commitment”, but more than “casual sex”, and then men and women wouldn’t have to explain their ambivalence any longer! Perfecto!

Most dating sites DO have a category for this sort of thing. It’s called “short term dating.” It’s code for “dating and having sex but without exclusivity or obligation.”

Casual sex. Friends With Benefits. F**k Buddies. These are terms that I believe were created by women. These three terms are interchangeable in my mind. There is no differentiation amongst them. They all mean the same thing.

I will have sex with you but not date you. Dress it up however you like. It all comes down to that.

You can call eat “eating ice cream.” It still has the exact same definition. To men, it’s all sex without commitment.Men don’t need to distinguish between sex with a friend versus sex with a stranger. Women do. Here again is another example of how we need to clarify and identify our relationships. The need to know what, exactly, a dynamic is or isn’t is inherently female. It’s our way of maintaining control. The issue of emotional and physical safety is used as the reasoning, but that has little to do with it. This is all about a woman’s paralyzing fear of being used.

There is no difference in my mind between a f**k buddy and a friend with benefits. That’s our way of justifying our decision to have sex with someone we know would never date us.

What does “friends with benefits” even mean? The saying implies that we have a friendship with someone, but that the only benefit is the sex. Some friendship. Most of the time, these people are not your friends. Sometimes they are. But often times they are people who would never pick up the phone to see how you are, nor would they come to your aide should you need it. Just because they ask about your day before they have sex with you doesn’t make them your friend. If they do show genuine interest in your life outside of the times that you’re beneath them naked, then you’re dating. Unfortunately, you’re dating someone who isn’t emotionally functional enough to admit that to themselves.

F**k buddy is another bogus term women use to describe a guy that they sleep with who shows no signs of care or interest in them. We use this term so that we can feel empowered.  It implies that we are capable of having sex without getting attached and devoid of emotion and don’t care whether or not the person we’re sleeping with gives a flying fart about us.  We are being used and we know it. We’re simply trying to flip the script and make it out like we’re the ones kicking them out of bed, when really they’re already dressed by the time we come down from our orgasm. We conjure up these beliefs in our head so we have something to talk about. Seriously. It’s all about creating drama and phony intimacy and feeling a fake sense of empowerment. It’s an illusion. All of it.

Yes, sometimes we are using these men right back, you’ll say. I know. But how often is that really the case? And why would we want to use somebody? And why would you want to have sex with someone that you knew didn’t care for or probably even like you?

Why are we so proud of our supposed ability to “use” a man? I’ll tell you why. Because we like to believe we are somehow punishing them. Let me enlighten you about something.  They don’t care why you’re having sex with them or what your agenda is. They will let you believe whatever you want, as long as it gets them laid and there is very little hassle involved.  That’s the difference. That’s where we are fooling ourselves.

Most men don’t consciously set out to “use” women. Some do. But most men don’t have sex with a woman with the intention of never seeing her again. The decision to do that comes AFTER the sex has occurred. Before that point there are too many unknown variables like whether or not she’s good in bed, does she get clingy or attach expectations, etc. If it’s good and she doesn’t freak out, they’ll come back for more.

Even if these sites did have a category that was more specific, few men would actually use it. They know it will impede their ability to meet women. That doesn’t mean they’re being dishonest. They’re just not willing to be totally honest. (Frankly, nobody should be that honest in their dating profile.) They are playing their odds, saying what needs to be said and doing what needs to be done.

Repeat after me: I t all means nothing until it means everything. That should be your mantra.

Approach every interaction knowing this and you won’t need a silly label.

Name: Lucy
Age: 31
State: NYC
Question:
My boyfriend of three months and I recently booked a weekend trip to Miami for Memorial Day Weekend. (He paid for the tickets.) Over the weekend he sent me an email telling me that he didn’t feel we were ready to travel together and that he wanted some time to think about things.  This came on so suddenly that I didn’t know how to respond. I already took the days off work to accommodate this trip. How could he do this so last minute and by email? How should I respond? Should I call him? I’m so shell shocked I don’t know what I would say. What do you think I should do?

Okay. First, breathe. I don’t blame you for being upset at this. In your mind, you were blindsided. But before you react, let’s break this whole thing down.

First, let’s address the “my boyfriend” thing. I’m not privy to the details or conversations where you two agreed to be “boyfriend” and “girlfriend.” I do know that women tend to take the “my boyfriend” ball and run with it. Men let them because it’s easier than having some drawn out conversation. The words boyfriend and girlfriend really should be erased from the dictionary at this point, as they mean nothing. They are juvenile terminology we use to help us clarify and identify a relationship. What matters is whether or not the two people involved in the relationship have a) sacrificed something for the other person and b)expressed or pledged and explicit desire to be exclusive. (Even then there’s no guarantee, but for the purpose of this conversation let’s assume there is.) Sacrifice is key. Does this person give something up for you? Do they relinquish a level of power or sense of security to you? If not, then this is a faux-lationship with an expiration date.

Now, let’s go on the presumption that he did these things for you. There is nothing written that says someone is required to invest a certain amount of time in or on a relationship once they have committed. He tried it and it wasn’t shaping up to what he wanted or thought it could be. He’s allowed to do that, as are you. He thought you two were ready to go to the next level and now he’s reconsidering. The why’s are inconsequential. He’s not there yet and he may never be. You can not speed up the process. Is the timing awful? Yes. But such is life. Sadly, we do not get to schedule or choose when we are dumped. For him to do something like this should tell you just how apprehensive he was. Which brings us to the next point.

Things like this rarely happen out of the blue. There were signs. We ignored them. They don’t have to be glaring red flags either. They could be as tiny as a hesitation to answer certain questions or have conversations. Many times they are obvious. Like when he says he wants to get to know you better before committing. But signs or no signs, he’s not ready or not interested. Period. Do not pass Go.

As for the way in which he did this, I’m torn. The bottom line is that he told you. There are people out there who never get that explanation. I think 3 months is enough time where a phone call is warranted. But that’s me, and that’s you. That’s not everybody. People are split down the middle in regards to the appropriate and effective ways we communicate. He knew you’d be hurt and would probably want to talk it out. He didn’t want to fight or talk. He felt guilty enough.  (Maybe.)  Or maybe he always knew this was coming. I have no idea. He won’t give you the real answer, either. He wanted to cancel that trip. You can call him cowardly or lazy all you like. It doesn’t change the fact that this appears to be over. Trying to piece it all together will make you crazy.

You can reply to him and express your confusion and hurt. Just don’t expect him to come running back. If he wanted to speak on the phone with you, he’d have called. He will ignore your calls. So don’t bother trying.

As hard as it sounds, you need to try and put this out of your mind. It’s possible you’ll get an answer in a  few weeks. Be prepared to never get a resolution. If you do, it’s a bonus.

Name: Marshmallow
Age: 30s
State: New York
Website:
Question: I’ve noticed lately that a lot of people are using the term sociopath to describe people they or others have dated. Now, either we have a increase in people with a disturbing mental illness or something else is going on. What gives?

What gives is that we like to glamorize these men and women rather than admit that we got duped by some immature, lacking in personality doofus. Classifying these boobs as something as nefarious as a sociopath raises our status.  Plus, if you say the person you dated was a sociopath, then you have less to answer for. There’s less accountability if the person who hurt you was a highly intelligent emotional mastermind.

He never showed any concern for your feelings? He’s a sociopath.

He cheated on you with other women? He’s a sociopath.

Don’t get me wrong. There are some true sociopaths out there who take advantage of unsuspecting men and women. They certainly exist.  But most of the men or women we encounter on a day to day basis are not sociopaths. They’re actually far more pedestrian than we like to believe.

Every woman has her story of being involved with a Don Draper, Mr. Big or Christian Grey. Do you know why? Because it makes us sound impressive. We were able to capture the attention of a man who was mysterious, domineering and charming. We didn’t get discarded, tossed aside of generally shat upon because we were idiots and they were cads . No. We got abused because these men were just so cunning and clever that didn’t have a chance.

We had a chance. We just didn’t take it. We didn’t want to. We wanted to exist in that little fantasy world that we read about in romance novels when we were kids.We wanted to believe that there was something so desirable and undeniable about us that we were able to lure this caliber of man into our beds. Yes, I said caliber. The truth is that many women hold such men in high esteem. We think they chose us because we were unique. Nope. They chose us because we were weak. Of course, there is also the humblebrag factor. You , too, can tell your story of dating a Christian Grey or Tony Soprano or Chuck Bass. You become the antagonist in your own personal fan fic.

I can remember, awhile back, going over a particular situation with my friend J. I was telling her something stupid a guy had said to me, and how I was sure that it was said with the intention of getting a reaction.

“I think you’re giving him way too much credit” she said. “I honestly think he’s just a guy who hasn’t self-actualized yet. He’s self-involved and immature. ”

My friend M. gave me a similar explanation when I showed him the guy’s email messages.

“I’m now in the camp of he’s just very, very stupid.”

So we have – stupid, immature and self-involved. That’s a far cry from mysterious, domineering and charming, right?

We all want to be Carrie Bradshaw or Anastasia or Meredith Grey. We want to consumed by passion, dominated by a dark force or just plain  dark and twisty. It’s the tale that we want. The idea of an experience. One that sets us apart and yet bonds us with other women at the same time. We long for that moment when we can stand in an operating room and say, “Pick me. Choose me. Love me” or something equally melodramatic. Sadly, all we aspire to be are cliche’s.

There’s the woman who is jaded and kicks every guy out of bed because she’s just in it for the sex. That is, until she meets a guy she likes and by date two, she thinks she’s in love with him.

Then there’s the woman who goes after unavailable guy after unavailable guy, yet she’s terrified to trust and let someone in. Except, you know, that unavailable guy that had “unavailable” stamped on his forehead.

Add in the “I have sex like a man” woman. Yet, unlike a man, she wants the guy to call her on the phone to schedule sex and not just text her. Or she gets flustered when a guy actually expects her to follow through on the underlying sexual promises of her dating profile or conversation.

Don’t forget the girl who comes up with flimsy excuses for why every date she has ends up with her on the receiving end of a big fat boot. He asked me if I was DTF!  He canceled our date! He called me crazy! He made me pay the tab! He was too short!

Finally, there’s that female who has some vignette about how she escaped the sociopath. Only, he wasn’t a sociopath. He was just a dude who lied to her, poorly I might add, and she believed him. He didn’t control her or dominate her. He used her and she let him. There was no intense attraction on his end. It was in her head. In fact, the whole relationship was in her head.

What it really boils down to is our dependence upon attention and playing the victim. It’s not terribly glamorous, but that’s what it’s all about. We desperately need that drama so that we can feel special. This desire is borne from loneliness and immaturity.