And Your Kids Too

Christmas Party Hangover

2007-12-20T11:14:00.000-05:00

Hungover. Wearing sunglasses in my house. Funny Pro Line commercial.

Elijah Dukes Is Still Something Else

2007-12-19T09:26:00.000-05:00

The Patron Saint of AYKT was at it again, as yet another woman has filed for a restraining order against newly acquired Washington National Elijah Dukes.

Dukes has made it his mission to impregnate more women than the entire NBA, including knocking up a seventeen year old foster child under the care of his grandmother a few years ago. In the process he has also threatened more women than those Thai boys that some men find particularly alluring. His threats have included voice mail messages, pictures of guns sent via cellphone and hard-thrown Gatorade bottles.

The latest court injunction was sought by 23 year old Amanda Reese after her relationship with Dukes ended and he began phoning her house at odd hours leaving threatening messages.

The 22 year old ballplayer currently has five children by four different women.

As part of a previous commitment with the Tampa Bay Rays, Dukes was supposed to speak at a family planning event to raise awareness on the availability of contraceptives. However, he decided it would be better to pull out at the last possible second.

Clemens: Still A Douche

2007-12-18T09:16:00.000-05:00

Remember when Henry Rodriguez played for the Montreal Expos and everyone would throw Oh Henry chocolate bars at him when he made a spectacular play, not just because his name was Henry, but also because he loved the candy bar.

Well, I have it on good authority that Roger Clemens is a big fan of both broken glass and shit. I'm just saying s'all.

Old fat face is in the news again because it seems that a group of high school baseball coaches in Texas, who had scheduled Clemens to be the keynote speaker at its annual meeting, are having second thoughts.

The Texas High School Baseball Coaches Association will hold a vote today on whether they still want Clemens to speak.

Unless you've been in a sports deprivation chamber the last week, you're aware that Clemens was named in the Mitchell Report for having used steroids during his time with the Toronto Blue Jays and New York Yankees.

The title of his proposed session in Texas: "My Vigorous Workout, How I Played So Long."

I'm not even joking.

TD Free

2007-12-18T08:40:00.000-05:00

If you're anything like me, you avoid all initials and acronyms because they're more than likely a sexually transmitted infection.

I'm quite certain that Philadelphia Eagles running back Brian Westbrook and I have little in common (he has enough money to pay women to put up with his STIs), but Westbrook still avoided scoring a TD on Sunday, oddly enough to ensure his team's victory.

From ESPN.com:

"The Eagles were clinging to a 10-6 lead over their hated rivals with just over two minutes left when Westbrook broke through the line and into the open field. But rather than scoring the touchdown that could have put an emphatic end to a big upset, Westbrook stopped at the 1-yard line and went to the ground, allowing the Eagles to run out the clock on the Cowboys."

Westbrook credits offensive lineman Jon Runyan for the strategic advice.

"I got a stern talking-to by Runyan right before that play," Westbrook said. "He said, 'Listen, if you're down to the 1, take a knee.'"

Twat Takes Credit For Claiming The Obvious

2007-12-17T08:20:00.000-05:00

I don't know if you've ever read the Sports Central website. It claims to be the longest running sports fan publication in the world and it's about as interesting as melba toast with nothing on it. It's sort of like the website you go to when no other page will load, or you're simply an idiot.

On Sunday they printed an article with this headline: "Clemens and Steroids: We Called It." The body of the story is a reprint of an article published on June 4th of this year claiming, I shit you not, that there could be something fishy about Roger Clemens late career resurgence and that a lot of baseball players could be using steroids.

Congratu-fucking-lations for really going out on a limb with that one. As if it wasn't enough for the writer, Brad Oremland, to state the obvious over and over again in a thousand words this summer, he decides to congratulate himself for his hack job when the obvious is mentioned in the Mitchell Report on Thursday.

I realize it's hard to break a vow of talentlessness, but this is like me posting in June that it could maybe possibly snow in Toronto this winter, and then when the Heavens open in mid-December and drop more snow than the contents of a plastic baggy inside Gary Busey's pocket (circa 1992), I reprint my prediction and give myself a blow job.

Dear Mr. Investigative Journalist,

Because of the journalistic integrity you so evidently possess, I've decided to inform you of some additional information that may prove back-slap worthy in the future if you write an article about these tips today.

The New England Patriots may be a very good team.
Michael Vick may not be a perfect choir boy.
LeBron James may be very good at basketball.
Tom Cruise may be odd.
Global warming may be a real thing.
And people who wear Velvet Revolver t-shirts may deserve to be taken out of their homes and severely beaten by the good taste police.

Sincerely,
Dustin Parkes

PS: Speaking of wankers, this total twat of a human gives his English Premiership Power Rankings and leaves Arsenal off the list despite being in first place in the table and having beaten his number two ranked Chelsea on the weekend.

Special Holiday Public Service Announcement

2007-12-17T07:57:00.000-05:00

Since I'm a Renaissance Man, always looking to better myself, I spent the weekend watching a lot of BBC programming. Because of this, I'd like to remind everyone that when you go to slag off family members or step parents this holiday season, be sure to pronounce "twat" like they do in Britain, as though it rhymes with "mat." Twat.

The North American pronunciation, as though "twat" rhymes with "dot," is about seven times less effective. Twat.

Happy Holidays!

The Juice Report

2007-12-13T12:20:00.000-05:00

As George Mitchell prepares to unleash his list all over the baseball world, join us over at Drunk Jays Fans for our coverage before, during and after his press conference and Bud Selig's response.

Full Document
Names

Newsflash - Edmonton Sucks

2007-12-13T10:30:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm here in Edmonton and every second I spend here makes me more and more grateful to live in Toronto.

If it's true that you can judge a civilization by their media's coverage of athletics, Edmonton's CFL team's nickname makes a lot more sense. I'm stranded in a place where the birth of a child belonging to a forgotten figure skating tandem leads the sports section, followed by sixteen stories about hockey.

Other newspapers have a separate section devoted exclusively to Snowsports (all one word) and rodeo news takes precedence over NBA basketball scores.

The sports radio station, Team 1260, is a poor man's version of the FAN 590 with the same annoying Sling Box advertisements (Aside: Is there anything more annoying than radio ads?) and a pension for those stuttering deep voice introductions that are supposed to grab your attention. My favourite thing about sports radio in Edmonton though is the Super Mario Bros. 2 music that plays just before news updates and the soft core porn music that plays during sports updates. There are some serious bah, bup, bup, bah base lines.

However, there are no shortage of sports bars in town, so I'll keep my fingers crossed that a hockey game won't interrupt coverage of the Broncos and Texans game tonight, which starts at 6:00 p.m. locally.

Ex-Site-Ing News

2007-12-12T10:34:00.000-05:00

I'm leaving for Edmonton in a few hours to do some actual real work that I get paid for, and because I'm not sure if they have the interweb in Alberta yet, the postings here may be sparse over the next couple of days.

I'm especially upset about possibly missing the opportunity to make fun of 'roided up ballplayers when the Mitchell Report is released on Thursday, but I'll leave it to the unreliable chuckle brothers who write on this site with me to keep you informed and your sensibilities offended.

If things get desperate, I'm sure Stoeten will be complimenting himself over at Drunk Jays Fans for his outstanding off-season baseball coverage, while Bergkamp bemoans the Josh Towers contract negotiations.

If my plane doesn't crash, I'll see you when I get back.

Picture Pages

2007-12-12T08:03:00.001-05:00

"When Spud Webb wants to pull it out, Spud Webb pulls it out. He don't care 'bout no Erin Andrews. Or no crowd o' people. He be Spud Webb just being Spud Webb."

TJ Ford: Scary Injury in Atlanta

2007-12-11T23:07:00.000-05:00

I had no intention of posting anything tonight, but I know a lot of our readers are from the States and I figured you'd get no better perspective on TJ Ford than from here. (Updates at bottom).

After a night of giving Atlanta fits, Ford stole the ball with about 90 seconds left in tonight's ballgame between the Raptors and the Hawks. He went in for a layup at the right side of the basket, with Al Horford in pursuit. As TJ tucked the ball under, trying to lay it in on the left side, Horford's huge arm swiped at the ball and inadvertently caught TJ on the upper part of his face and head. Dazed, or even knocked cold from the blow, Ford hit the floor hard, his neck snapping back violently when he came down-- a sickening sight for anyone who has followed his career and knows about his injury history.

He stayed down for 10 minutes before being taken off the court on a stretcher and immediately to an Atlanta-area hospital. The latest is that he will stay there overnight for x-rays and observation with a skeleton crew of Raptor officials, as the rest of the team returns home to play the Dallas Mavericks on Wednesday night. The Fan590 in Toronto is reporting as of 10:40 PM EST that "initial signs were all good, as far as feelings [in his extremities]." (An 11 PM EST report attributes this statement to Raps guard Anthony Parker.)

TJ had just returned from another injury-- termed a stinger-- suffered after a scary fall in Dallas, which caused some pain in his arm and thumb. Speculation is that this injury may have been aggravated by the initial blow. Of course, most NBA fans know that during his rookie season in Milwaukee, he suffered a career-threatening spinal injury that caused him to miss all of 2004-05.

That injury history makes the incident with Horford (who was assessed a Flagrant 2 foul, despite very clearly from his reaction having no intent to injure) all the more frightening-- something teammates Chris Bosh and Jose Calderon touched on in post-game interviews. Bosh told Canadian network The Score that he thought a lot of it was that TJ was scared and that he hoped it wasn't as bad as it looked. Thankfully, some of the other quotes we're seeing from the Raptors share this sentiment-- it would be a completely understandable reaction from Ford, and hopefully most of what's going on is just precautionary.

The Raptors' broadcast showed a reply of the incident several times, but this wasn't just to be ghoulish. It was noted by play-by-play man Chuck Swirsky that the Raptors bench was directly next to the their TV monitors, and TJ's concerned teammates kept requesting to see what really happened.

The rest of the telecast and the game itself was unsurprisingly sombre. Coach Sam Mitchell-- who sprinted across the court to defend his player after the incident happened-- gave an extremely brief and downcast post-game press conference, saying that the team had just got back to the locker room so they didn't have any news on TJ, and that the players that played played well, but that they were all focussed on TJ and hoping for the best.

Ford's status with the team is frequently the subject of discussion in Toronto, due to the stellar play of backup Jose Calderon. But to a keen observer, it's clear that Ford's physical talents give him the potential to go farther than his steadier counterpart in time. TJ's game is a little uncontrolled at times, but the belief is that he has all the tools needed to become a genuinely elite point guard as he matures. He shows that potential in flashes, as he did tonight before the injury-- he had 26 points and 8 assists in 29 minutes.

I know this is much longer and more serious than normal posts around here, but that was a pretty scary thing to watch (seventeen times). Naturally, like everybody else, AYKT hopes he's OK and wishes him a speedy recovery.

(More apologies for the lack of links or proper sourcing, but I actually watched the game, the press conference, and am listening to updates and have yet to sift through any of the articles popping up for written confirmation of my quotes and information.)

UPDATE: Raptor Quotes thanks to the Globe's Larry Millson
"I just said, 'Lay back, don't move,' " [Anthony] Parker said, "because it just seemed like he was kind of on his side. It seemed like he was panicking a little bit and started breathing hard."

Bosh said he did not speak to Ford. "He was too scared," he said. "So I mean I just gave him his space. … He was conscious. He wasn't trying to move too much. I'm sure he was feeling pain in his arms and legs. After a while, I could see him moving and that was a relief."

"I went over and asked him if he was okay," Jamario Moon of the Raptors said. "He didn't say anything, he just shook his head."

Video of the incident from ESPN-- which apparently doesn't let people embed video from their site, and pretty much knew nothing about the situation at the time.

Guess Who

2007-12-11T12:57:00.000-05:00

Guess Who is the mystery 'roid game. The fun is trying to guess when you play Guess Who.

Did your steroid user retire in 2004?

Was he a journeyman infielder who began and ended his career with the Baltimore Orioles?

Did he never hit more than 21 home runs in a single season?

Did he purchase his steroids from former Mets attendant Kirk Radomski?

Did he first go public about his HGH use because he thought he'd be implicated by Jason Grimsley?

Is your steroid user David Segui?

Breeders' Cup Introduces Three New Ways To Lose Money

2007-12-10T12:03:00.000-05:00

Three races were added to thoroughbred racing's world championships for next year. In 2008, the Breeders' Cup will be a two-day event with 14 races worth more than $25 million in prize money.

When I was twelve years old, my grandpa took me out for dinner at an off-track betting establishment just before a baseball game. While eating our club sandwiches we watched a spectacularly old man, like the epitome of dead man walking, make his way to a video terminal to waste his Canadian Pension Plan money.

My grandpa remarked, "Dustin, check that out. One foot in the grave, the other making a bet on a longshot."

Flash forward fifteen years later and I found myself this past summer pouring over a Daily Racing Forum in a dank attic on Bloor Street that smelled a lot like my grandpa's trench coat, trying to pick which horses I'd wheel in my boxed exactor.

My friends and I had caught the horse racing bug. We claimed that horse racing was the new poker and invited other friends to come out and lose money. And lose money we did. In fact, that was the simple cure for this afflicting infection. Lose enough money and it's amazing how quickly the ponies become less appealing.

So, now I save my big losses for the special races. And believe you me, I stand to lose a lot of money next October 24-25 when the Breeders' Cup takes place at Santa Anita Park in Arcadia, California.

Vick Gets 23 Months

2007-12-10T11:26:00.001-05:00

I'm not sure if anyone out there has heard about this, but former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was convicted for his role in a dogfighting conspiracy that involved gambling and killing pit bulls.

Today, he was sentenced to 23 months in prison.

I don't really know enough about the laws around dog fighting to say if this is too tough, too lenient or just right, but what I do know is that the sentence will essentially end Michael Vick's professional football career. Forget about the three years that Vick will miss because of his conviction, the NFL would be nothing short of foolish to reinstate Vick after the public outcry against his actions.

Normally, I'd suggest that controversies involving athletes are forgotten faster than the name of a piece of punchmeat, but not so on this one. It involves dogs and as ridiculous as it may seem, somewhere between the movie Old Yeller's release date and today, dogs have attained an unrivaled status of sentiment among the public.

You can accidentally shoot a limousine driver and not face nearly as much scrutiny as you would for cruelty to an animal. In no way am I saying that Vick isn't a rather large piece of shit and deserving of every day he spends in prison. I'm saying that right or wrong, this will end his career as an NFL quarterback. Because of the public's perception, bringing Vick back to the NFL would be PR suicide.

Guns And Stars

2007-12-10T11:04:00.000-05:00

There comes a time in every basketball player's life when he must survive a gun fight.

That time came over the weekend for Indiana Pacers guard Jamal Tinsley as gunshots were fired at cars carrying Tinsely and his friends outside the Conrad hotel in Indianapolis early Sunday. The only injury sustained was to Pacers equipment manager Joey Qatato who was shot in both elbows.

I'm not really sure how that happens, but then again, I'm fairly unfamiliar with gun fights in general, except for that video game Red Dead Revolver. That game was pretty cool, but it was set in the Wild West and also fictional.

Apparently, Jamal's brother, James followed the assailants and returned their fire with a gun he was licensed to carry. God, I feel so sheltered.

The smartest thing said about the entire incident came from the lips of Pacers president Larry Bird, who said, "With Jamaal, it's just 'Why are you out at 3:30 in a place like that?' I don't really have a problem with guys being out till 3:30, but you've got to know your surroundings. Obviously, it's time for these guys to take a look at everything that's happened throughout our league, throughout professional sports, and step back and take a hard look at it and make smarter decisions."

This Nine Year Old Is Better Than You

2007-12-10T10:57:00.000-05:00

Video courtesy of Going Five Hole.

Robert Wuhl Is Desperate For Work

2007-12-07T11:25:00.000-05:00

Lion In Oil tells the story of how Modell's Sporting Goods pulled a prank on the Boston Celtics while negotiating a sponsorship deal by bringing in the Arli$$ actor Robert Wuhl to do his thing (i.e. yelling, swearing and outrageous demands).

Obviously, this is hilarious, but it begs the question: Did Robert Wuhl lose all semblance of dignity? Or did he never have any to begin with?

I'm imagining that business pranks rate just below Celebrity Big Brother as sure tell signs your entertainment career is as over as Kirk Douglas's sex life.

Simmer Down Canada

2007-12-07T10:22:00.000-05:00

Steve Nash came to Toronto this week and coincidentally enough, so did the news that Nash won't be joining the Canadian national basketball team for their last ditch effort at making the Olympics at a tournament in Beijing.

Puckheads immediately went berserk, phoning into sports radio shows with stunning proclamations that Nash isn't a real Canadian or that Canada should disown the greatest basketball player to ever come from our country.

I'm all for reactionary conjecture, but spouting off ill informed opinions is right up there with pedophilia as my least favourite practices. Steve Nash has done more for basketball in this country than anyone or anything has ever done.

As far as I'm concerned, Nash could piss on a Canadian flag while setting a Toronto Raptors jersey on fire and he would still be the greatest ambassador for Canadian basketball out there. However, the puckheads point to Wayne Gretzky and Mario Lemieux suiting up for their country dozens of times.

I'm not going to delve into all that Nash has already done for Canadian basketball, including leading the team that finished just out of the medals in Sydney or quietly taking money out of his own pocket to ensure proper accommodations for the men's team. Let's focus on another aspect of the argument.

The always fantastic Michael Grange of the Globe and Mail points out that the international hockey schedule is much different from international basketball.

"The difference between the situation Nash and the hockey greybeards found themselves in was that the hockey events – certainly the Olympics – took place in the course of the regular season. They didn’t have to make a choice between their holiday and playing for their country.

The Canada Cups took place, if I recall correctly, just before training camp, at a time when their training would be ramped up anyway. Doubtless playing with the best in the world was a good way to prepare for the regular season. As well, the Canada Cups were a profit centre for the NHLPA, if I’m not mistaken, so there was some motivation there.

The world championships are also timed to take place essentially during the season, or at least at a time when most guys wish they were playing. Many times the rationalization for a lot of players who make the trip is to scrub off the disappointment of not making the playoffs. And typically the guys that do go are younger players who might not ordinarily get the chance to play for Canada."

Grange goes on to say that international basketball events land in the middle of the NBA off-season.

"This is why USA Basketball has had a floating roster of 30 or so possible players during their build-up to Beijing. Even though they asked for a three-year commitment from the Kobe’s and the LeBron’s, they knew that life, babies, surgeries, etc., simply get in the way.

Nash is in the same boat, but he’s a roster of one."

Steve Nash plays balls out basketball. He leaves every ounce of energy he has out on the court. In order to play at that level, his body needs rest. And as his body ages, it requires even more rest.

To suggest that Nash somehow owes it to Canada to sacrifice his career to play in an international tournament is so outlandishly ridiculous that it makes me ashamed to be associated with other Canadians who would think this way.

Go (get) yourself.

Lehman Feeling Underappreciated

2007-12-07T09:44:00.000-05:00

When not sulking on the Arsenal bench or impersonating Flea or Tom Berenger for his own gain, German goalkeeper Jens Lehman is being courted by mid-table Bundesliga clubs.

According to Soccer Source, Lehman should be a serious transfer target for VfL Wolfsburg when the transfer window opens up in January.

Earlier this season, Lehmann slipped behind Manuel Almunia in the Gunners' keeper pecking order and has not responded favourably, criticizing his Spanish replacement and his manager Arsene Wenger. If he is to keep his status as the number one keeper for the German national team at next year's Euro tournament, Lehman must be playing first team football and a trip back to Germany just might do the trick.

Eat, Drink And Be Sporting

2007-12-07T09:06:00.000-05:00

My friends and I are what you'd call wiffleball aficionados. So much so, that we created the Toronto Wiffleball Association of Toronto. The thing about wiffleball though, is that your skills don't really peak until you've drank about six cans of beer, preferably Budweiser or Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Well, according to 100% Injury Rate, we're not the only athletes (I use the term loosely) in need of some serious calories before hitting their peak on the field of play.

As the patron saint of wiffleball, we were well aware of Wade Boggs and his pension for drinnking 50 - 70 beers on a road trip, but the Babe Ruth breakfast getting washed down with an unholy mixture of equal parts whiskey and ginger ale has me questioning whom we should pray to before a wiffleball game begins.

"Ruth also claimed his daily breakfast was as follows: a pint of whiskey mixed with a pint of ginger ale in a pitcher of ice, followed by a porterhouse steak, four fried eggs, fried potatoes, and a pot of coffee."

Deadspin Already Did It

2007-12-06T16:02:00.000-05:00

Remember that South Park episode where Butters tries to bring bedlam to the town, but he gets frustrated when all of his plans end up being weak copies of plots from The Simpsons?

Well, I'm feeling somewhat similar to Butters today after reading Ray Rotto's column on CBS Sportsline and deciding to post something derogatory about his appearance. Before I started writing, a simple Google search of his name directed me to a Deadspin article from 2005 titled Ray Rotto's Weird Mug.

Awesome. More than two years late on the joke.

Speaking of which, a good thing to do to a friend who tells you a joke or says something clever is to shake your head in disapproval over what they said and then repeat exactly the same thing back to them as though you came up with it and it's hilarious.

Par Example:

Friend: Kyle Wellwood? Wellwood you look at him?

You: That's not that funny. What about Kyle Wellwood? Wellwood you look at him? That's funny.

This is Exactly How Rumours Get Started

2007-12-06T15:03:00.000-05:00

I'm being a bad blogger today. I know I totally shouldn't do this, but maybe it will be fun to see just how far it goes.

Here's the scoop: an MLS blog, MLS Underground, reported that ABC will show Toronto at Columbus as their nationally televised opening day game-- the only nationally televised game of the regular season. They then speculate that something fishy must be going on, because there are many more compelling games with better teams scheduled for the same day. It's suggested that perhaps it has something to do with recent rumblings that Toronto aim to be the next club to bring in a major star from overseas (obviously started by people who don't know MLSE).

An anonymous post in the comments reads: "I have a friend in Madrid who told me that Ruud Van Nistelroy is going to sign with Toronto."

And now I'm posting about it as though there's a grain of truth to it. Fly little rumour, fly....

Sam Mitchell is My Favourite Person Ever

2007-12-06T14:35:00.001-05:00

Is there a better way to get up on a Wednesday morning than to hear one of the Fan590's morning show hockey pucks, Landry or Stellick, jokingly taunt Raptors Head Coach Sam Mitchell by saying "We own you!", and then listening to the radio magic that follows?

No. No there isn't.

Marty York Thinks It's 1996; Fact-Checkers Surprisingly Absent

2007-12-06T14:24:00.000-05:00

If you're not in Toronto, you might not be familiar with Marty York. Basically, he is to journalistic integrity what Michael Vick is to compassion for animals (topical zinger!!).

I can't hate him too much, though, because his continued employment completely takes the piss out of any argument that suggests mainstream media have credibility simply by definition. But I still hate him a little bit, and that's why it pleases me so much to point out that in his attempt to smugly call out somebody else's blunder in his Wednesday column, he makes his own amazingly idiotic mistake.

"There was an embarrassing, inexcusable blunder Monday at the Rogers Centre in Toronto, where the cover of the game program promoted in large, colourful typ a matchup of the Toronto Raptors and the Charlotte Hornets."

Toronto has a basketball team??? What???

Grizzly Adams To Skate Again

2007-12-06T12:15:00.000-05:00

Scott Niedermayer confirmed yesterday that he will rejoin the defending Stanley Cup champions Anaheim Ducks for the rest of the season.

Most reports claim the 34 year old Niedermayer pulled a Clemens after last year's championship season and kept one skate on the ice while contemplating retirement through the early part of the schedule. However, I'm inclined to believe that the star defencemen spent the first part of the season watching Keith Hernandez commercials and applying Just For Men brush-in gel to his beard.

Either way the struggling Ducks will be glad to have him back.