I did this last Tuesday. I was sitting in class Tuesday night, looked down, and realized the embroidery on my shirt was inside out… yeah, it was one of those weeks.

2. You spend ten minutes thinking about where you put your car keys. And then you realize you are driving.

I don’t even remember what day last week I did this.

3. Later you spend another ten minutes trying to use your office key to start your car. And have no idea why it is not working.

Did this twice.

4. You bathe and forget the last step – rinsing. Ok, back to repeat.

Tuesday night again.

5. You take your kids to school, park your car, walk into the building. Your kids are still in the car. You drop off your purse instead.

Wednesday morning I was still exhausted from Tuesday.

6. You mix up your lip liner and eye liner. You end up a luscious eyed goth.

I have to admit, I didn’t do this one. As I was getting ready to apply it I realized what I was doing just in time.

7. You tried to figure out which shoes go with your outfit. You accidentally walk out with one of each.

This too did not happen. Ally stopped me before making it out of the house. She also explained to me how we are supposed to wear things that match.

8. On your way to work you are daydreaming about the beach, and drive half way there before you realize you passed your work 25 minutes ago.

Not quite, but if you saw me last week, you would not have put it past me.

9. At lunch, instead of moving your lunch from the fridge to the microwave, you put it in the freezer. And then stand there and wait.

Just like later that day I wrote an email to Tanya, forgot to hit “send” and then was wondering why she wasn’t replying.

10. You switch purses, and leave the house with the wrong one.

Did this one on Friday. Figured it out as I was trying to pay for groceries. What do you mean half used chap stick doesn’t work as payment??

Mother’s Day is coming up, and even though I won’t be doing too many Mother’s Day like activities, especially now, I will still spend plenty of time with my children, and even though this day is supposedly about me, it is really about them.

Ally (yes, I started calling her by her real name as she may be getting too told for Munchie) and Ducky (he is always going to be my baby boy), are more precious than I can put into words. They are the ones that are always happy to see me. No matter what. They love spending time with me, regardless of what we do. In fact they think the grocery store is an adventure.

Ally asks me to sing to her at night. She is the only person in the world who would ever make that request after having heard me sing before. Yet almost every night she asks for her “Mommy song.” Even on the nights when I am in class, or have other engagements, she still asks if she will get it the following night. It is not much of a song… there are no words, and I hum the entire time. It always ends up off key. Well, I can’t say off key since I am not entirely sure what key it is supposed to be in. But by all standards it is an odd song at best. Yet she loves it. She curls up and smiles looking up at me as I sing it to her. And then she falls asleep like that.

Ducky likes to squirm. He likes to climb on me and then move around into a different position every four seconds, occasionally kicking or elbowing me in the abdomen or chest. That is his thing. But once in a while he gets all cuddly, and nuzzles up into me. It makes me squeal with happiness.

They are my tiny little creatures that have not yet learned anything harsh, and are constantly jubilant. Even when they scream bloody murder and cry uncontrollably, it is never anything serious. Their happiness is untainted and pure. Some argue that you can’t know happiness without sadness and pain. For adults I think this is true. But when I see my children playing and laughing I realize that for them there is an endless pool of happiness, never having known anything else. And that makes me happy.

I have a lot of shoes. I know, y’all must be shocked to hear this. My problem, much like most other women’s has to do with owning too many shoes, and not having enough storage space. Usually, this is not a problem as I have devised a nice system in which I circulate my shoes. During winter, as I like to call it, boot season, my sandals and other warm weather shoes are boxed up and put away. Then, during the warmer months the shoes trade off. This allows me to have twice the amount of shoes than I actually have space for.

This time of year, however, becomes tricky and throws off my entire system. The weather Gods can’t seem to make up their minds, and the weather fluctuates between hot and cold daily, and at times multiple times in one day. I have been switching off between sandals and boots almost every day this week (made a few mistakes on Monday and Wednesday), and now I just have shoes everywhere. I don’t know what to pack up, or for how long the day’s weather will last. If you are terribly curious, it is quite nice outside right now.

As you can imagine all of these shoes do not fit into the nice little shoe cubby. And I have the type of bed that does not have an “underneath” section, so I can’t just shove them under there. Before, when the shoe trade off was happening, all of them were packed up in boxes that lined the very top of my closet. So of course someone suggested I just keep them up there and take them down as needed. This person does not know me very well. I change shoes entirely too often for that. And I can’t reach the top of my closet, which means that this plan would only allow me to change shoes when Hubby is home. That is not very helpful. For those of you now wondering why I don’t just stand on a chair, no. Just no.

So basically until the weather decides what it wants to do, and sticks with it, my entire house (and by this, I mean a small corner in my bedroom), is going to have look like a shoe explosion.

Oh what ever will I do?

As I was standing in line at Starbucks this morning, I realize how unprepared a lot of people are for the most basic functions. I work in a place where I deal with unpreparedness every day, so I am not entirely sure why I would be surprised. Maybe because something as trivial as buying a cup of coffee should not be this elaborate.

I see this lack of preparation the most in a lot of parents. They use their kids as an excuse for just about everything. They are late to work because they have kids. They need an extension on their assignment because they have kids. They need to flout most social rules because they have kids. Yes, having children changes your life, but it does make normal living impossible.

I have kids, and I know that a little planning can go a long way. If your children are that difficult to get ready in the morning, wake up earlier. Get things like lunches and clothes set up the night before. Don’t come in to an appointment half an hour late trying to justify it by letting everyone know you had to drop your kids off at daycare. So did I. I was here on time.

While in line with my daughter this morning, the lady in front of me is playing with her son. Her turn comes and she looks up, uttering a long “ummmmmm” as she just now realized she should figure out what she wants to order. Paying attention to your kids is great, but making everyone else stop everything is not appropriate. As the line behind us grew exponentially this lady began rifling through her purse and decided to pay for her drink in small change, by which I do not mean dollar bills. The Batista was now frantically counting nickels, dimes, and what appeared to be Canadian pennies. Finally my turn comes up. I give my order, hand over my card which I was holding the whole time, and then promptly step out of line, all the while holding my daughter in the other arm (who by the way, at this point, is bored, and snuggling into my shoulder wondering why Mommy has been standing in the same spot for the last ten minutes). Granted, it took me less time because I got a cup of regular coffee while she purchased something that had at least six words in the name, there was still no need for such a production.

When you have children, things take longer. Leaving the house takes longer. Grocery shopping takes longer. Absolutely everything will take longer. Even new parents will be able to figure this out about a week after they bring their baby home. In fact, I know people who don’t even have children who can tell you this.

I wrote the following post for Yahoo a few years ago, right before giving birth to my son. Even though I am no longer pregnant, and will not be again, I have had two people ask me to repost it. Hopefully other pregnant women will also benefit, or at least have a good laugh.

***

When I was pregnant with my daughter, people, including my doctor, asked me what my birthing plan was. My birthing plan was, well, to give birth. That is as far as I had gotten. In my second trimester I realized there was more than one way to deliver, which besides being confusing, was quite scary.

I am now pregnant with my second child. My birthing plan is, well, to give birth. Despite all the different methods of delivery I read about the first time around, I just went the old fashioned way. I am not sure I want to get all fancy with my birthing. I don’t think I want to have to follow some elaborate direction manual on the big day. Actually, I don’t think I could. I will be far too preoccupied with the task at hand to stop and think of the best way to do it.

Once again I want to show up at the hospital, lie on the bed, probably have an epidural or two, and give birth. I am not going to worry about my breathing exercises, as I will probably end up hyperventilating anyway. I am not going to try to give birth in a giant pool of water while I practice synchronized swimming. I am not going to perform complicated yoga tricks (as amusing as this may be for the staff). And I am certainly not going to execute any movements that could quite possibly be misconstrued as a Cirque Du Soleil audition.

I understand some women feel the need for birthing plans, especially since it makes them feel as though they have more control over the situation. However, despite the best laid plans, you may still end up with an emergency c-section (and I do not wish this for anyone). You may still have the episiotomy you were hoping not to need. And in the end you will still get the beautiful baby you were waiting for. So yes, I mock the birthing plan, but really, each to his own.

Do you, or did you have a birthing plan? Did it help?

September 2007

I don’t normally talk much about my beliefs in religion or politics but I’ve had 2 beers and a shot of vodka so I had the not so genius idea of DRUNK POSTING! I might fuck up facts because I’m drunk, people!

I’m sure to be a blathering idiot and I’m fine with that. No amount of harsh comments can be as bad as this shit. If I can handle people saying I’m a shitty parent and calling my daughter “a fucking brat” and hating on me only because I have a child, I can deal with anything.

You’re welcome.

Hey Sarah Palin,

What. The. Fuck. Lady? For a quick second, I was excited that a woman was running for vice-president. Out of all honesty, I was actually shocked that Barack Obama beat out Hillary Clinton, who I was really rooting for.

Then there was that really fucking stupid bullshit about what Mrs. Clinton was wearing and people actually discussed “her cankles”.

Ummm, OMFG, seriously people?!

I didn’t know much about Obama and it never occurred to me to read up on him because I was preggers and my brain cells were MIA.

I would say I’m definitely liberal but I’ve been going more towards the Green Party.

My husband and I were living in Washington, D.C. at the time and had been in a war protest that started at the White House and ended at Capitol Hill.

He’s in the Navy by the way, and I was very proud at the risk he took when it came to being involved in something that was important to me.

Anyway, before we marched, I heard Ralph Nader give a speech and the man kicked ass. I fell in love with the guy!

Fyi, I was torn between Obama and Nader but while standing in line  for two hours, while 4 months pregnant, and needing to pee like crazy, once I got to the voting station, I went for Ralph Nader.

Back to Palin.

You make my brain hurt.

I saw the movie, Game Change, recently and wow, Julianne Moore did a better job than the real you.

I am so fucking thankful that McCain didn’t win because the thought of you being vice-president makes me think that the women of the United States would be back on the prairie, churning butter, and having very few rights.

Sarah Palin, you make me embarrassed to be a woman. So take your ‘you betcha” and stick it up your ass.

It is Spring, and if you are anything like me, you will want pretty plants in your back yard, on your porch, or wherever you may keep such things. I have always loved having plants, but I was the world’s worst gardener. If there was such as thing as the gardening police, I would have been arrested, tried, and prosecuted in three different states. I have been known to even murder ferns. And they are the easiest house plants in existence. Cactuses don’t even make it very long in my house. In the process I have learned from my mistakes. I am not yet certified to write a how-to gardening book, but I can most definitely list a few don’t-dos so others may learn from my gardening faux pas.

1. Do not assume all plants want to be watered. Some only need to be watered every other week, if not less. Read the instructions that come with your plant. If your plant does not come with instructions, research it online.

2. Not all plants like the sun. I unfortunately learned this after I planted my shade azaleas in constant direct sun light.

3. Much like babies, plants are not always going to stay as small as when you bring them home. It may look cute in the itsy bitsy pot, and you think it will look great on the kitchen counter, but your plant may grow to be bigger than you in a matter of months. If you don’t have a back yard this could be especially problematic.

4. Contrary to the name, annuals are not year round plants. I was very confused by this at first, and bought a lot of annuals to plant in our back yard thinking they would last forever. Annuals are seasonal plants that die once their season is over and need to be replanted the next year. They are often very beautiful, but consider the extra work before acquiring.

5. I live in Southern California. Not everyone does. Consider the temperature your plants require for survival. If you live somewhere where snow covers the ground for months at a time, do not attempt growing tropical plants. Even in my own moderate climate I have managed to lose plants in severe winter weather (and in my case severe means 45 degrees Fahrenheit, and some of you are laughing right now).

Gardening can be a lot of fun. Picking out the right type of flowers and successfully planting, growing and maintaining them can be a joy for many. Should you kill a few flowers along the way, consider it a learning curve.

Everyone has been talking a lot about serendipity lately. By “everyone” I mean two people. And by “a lot” I mean it has been mentioned once.

But it still got me thinking about how people affect your life. Every single person you have ever known has affected your life in a positive way. I know, many of you may disagree, and contradict me to let me know there is a list of people you could have done without. Maybe. Maybe they didn’t have a great role in your life at the time. Maybe they hurt you. Maybe they wasted your time. Yet I am willing to bet that if you think about it, each one of those people served some sort of purpose. Even if that purpose was to waste your time. While your time was being wasted you learned patience. Amongst other things.

While you were getting hurt you learned a lesson. Maybe you didn’t learn your lesson the first time, and you needed to learn it again and again. Who knows. Maybe you are slow like me.

Maybe that friend who wasn’t really a friend taught you to be more selective with the people you trust. Maybe she let you down so many times you became self reliant. Maybe she was late enough times to help you realize how important punctuality really is.

It is easy to remember all the wonderful things that have happened and how they have changed you. But it is hard to see the beauty within the difficult, painful, annoying and downright maddening. All of those things helped teach you something. And I don’t necessarily mean about other people, or the situations in which things occurred, but rather about yourself. Besides, all of these things are in the past. They are no longer bad experiences, they are just memories. Harmless memories that have created who you are.

And there is never anything wrong with that.

I think my laptop has finally had enough of me. Granted I am not its first owner, as this was previously my friend’s laptop, but I think after I made it speak Korean it decided it wanted to die. Between all the blogging, paper writing, pdf opening, and internet surfing I do, it no longer wants to be my friend.

At first I thought it was having a bad day, but the bad day has turned into a week, and now a month. It randomly shuts down on me. Sometimes it does not allow the internet to work. Sometimes it allows only parts of the internet to work (like I said, temperamental). It doesn’t like it when I email. And it really has it in for this site in particular. The Daily Tic gives my laptop a nervous tic. I swear it made noises at me just now. And all I wanted to do was see if anyone else has posed anything new.

So yes, I think it is time for a new laptop. I have been putting off for a while. But only because laptops in general don’t like me. I have irreparably broken more laptops simply by using them than is really deemed normal. Not that that sort of thing is normal. But really, I have never had a laptop last more than a year or two. Is that normal?

It might be a good time to note that I have never has a new laptop. They have all been handed down to me. And they were all at least six or seven years old. But still. They worked perfectly well for the previous owner for more than six years, and then they break for me in less than two. I am pretty sure I am the common denominator.

In case you were wondering, I also do this to phones, PDA’s and TVs. However my Kindle is still operating just fine. There is hope for me.

Next I shall test the iPad and the Nook.

Does anyone have an iPhone I can borrow? I promise I will give it back in some sort of working condition.