angelaboration

A Miracle to Give You Hope

2009-11-04T23:12:00.003-05:00

The morning after I upset The Filmmaker so much, his mother almost died.

I found this out initially through a classmate of mine (who had read it on Facebook... which, of course, I couldn't have done, what with The Filmmaker unfriending me and all). And then I got a text from the Filmmaker saying she was in the hospital and to pray for her. And so I prayed.

I got another e-mail from The Filmmaker today. And though part of me thinks I really need to stop posting his e-mails on here (for privacy), I think it's important to share this one.

Dear Angela,

I realized something recently. If the Halloween costume incident hadn't upset me so much then I wouldn't have gone to sleep at my Mom's house. If I hadn't gone to my Mom's house, then I wouldn't have been there to help her when her heart stopped the next morning.

I think that the first class mail misunderstanding was a miracle. Weird. Everything DOES happen for a reason.

It looks like it was for the best, but I'm sorry I got so upset. I know I got more upset than was warranted by the situation. It's just hard.

Thanks for possibly inadvertently saving my mother's life.

- [The Filmmaker]

P.S. According to our research, my Mom had a 2-25% chance of surviving her attack. It was a miracle all right.

A miracle indeed. Truly.

Yes, everything certainly does happen for a reason.

God is everywhere. Even in the silly arguments that you wish didn't exist.

May you believe in miracles.

~A~

Unfriended

2009-11-02T20:58:00.002-05:00

I got an e-mail yesterday morning from The Filmmaker:

"Thanks a lot for completely fucking humiliating me in front of everyone I know.

I can't believe you told [Friend] to be the same thing for Halloween."

And then I discovered that The Filmmaker had unfriended me on Facebook. No, I'm not kidding.

So here's a little backstory...

I think it was when I was in high school (let's say it was around 2001) when I came up with (what I thought was) a great Halloween costume... for a guy. All the guy had to do was buy a bunch of postage stamps (like $5 or $10 worth), stick them on himself, and go as a "First Class Piece of Mail/Male". Inexpensive, clever, with a nice double entendre thrown in.

Well, I liked it.

And, since 2001, every time a male friend (including my brothers) has been looking for a Halloween costume, I have given the (often unsolicited) advice that he should go as a First Class Piece of Male/Mail.

And no one ever does.

So a couple of weeks ago, The Filmmaker, whom I'm trying to be cordial with (hoping that perhaps we could one day be friends, as I now am with my other ex, Brian), e-mailed me saying he didn't have a Halloween costume. And I suggested my brilliant stand-by suggestion.

A few days ago, The Filmmaker's friend from film school called me up to ask me to be in a film he's making in April, and I said yes (woo-hoo!). He mentioned that he didn't have a Halloween costume, so once again, I suggested my old standby costume... You know. The one that I always suggest but no one actually uses.

Cut to the day after Halloween, when I get this e-mail from The Filmmaker.

I was upset. Of course, I never meant any harm, but all these scenarios started running through my head. What if The Filmmaker had flown from California to Florida for Halloween, hoping to surprise his old friends? And shown up at the party where his best friend from school was wearing the same outfit? What if all his old friends mocked them both for not being creative enough to be good filmmakers? It could've been horrible! And so upsetting! And humiliating! And (indirectly) my fault!

I texted The Filmmaker something along the lines of "1. I'm sorry. 2. What happened?"

I texted his friend something along the lines of "I just got an angry e-mail from [The Filmmaker]. I'm sorry if I upset you. I don't know what happened. Help?"

I called my parents, crying. I went to Mass and prayed about it. I called Brian (the magical and mythical ex-who-broke-my-heart-but-whom-I-am-still-good-friends-with-anyway-without-it-being-weird-even-now-that-he's-dating-someone-else), who told me that it wasn't my fault and that The Filmmaker was overreacting, and that if he knew me at all he would know that it's never my intention to hurt anyone, ever.

And then I went home and checked my e-mail.

Filmmaker responded.

"What happened?

Against my better judgement, I dressed up as a "first class piece of mail." Partially because it was clever, original, simple, easy to put together, and something I could wear to work without impeding my ability to work. Partially because I desperately love you and was flattered that you would suggest, after all we've been through, that I was a first class guy.

But you told [Friend] the same thing apparently. So not only did everyone who knows what [Friend] went for as Halloween probably see me in the pictures I posted of my costume, and think "How the hell pathetic are both [Friend] and [Filmmaker] for ripping off the same 'quirky original' costume idea," but it also turns out that apparently you don't really think I'm a first class guy, you were just showing everyone how clever and witty you are.

It wouldn't hurt so much if I hadn't actually WORN the damn costume you suggested. It wouldn't hurt so much if I hadn't posted the pictures on Facebook for everyone to see. I wouldn't have hurt so much if it hadn't been [FRIEND], of all people, who regardless of how you feel about him, I get jealous of because I know he has a crush on you. (Of course he does. He took your costume idea too.) And it wouldn't have hurt so much if [Friend] hadn't posted online that "Hey, I had the same costume. Damn it!" It wouldn't have hurt so much if I didn't still love you desperately, and wasn't constantly hoping that we could somehow work things out, and if that didn't lead me to hope that when you said I was a first class male, that meant that, in some small way, you loved me still too.

But I guess it means nothing. You were just being clever at both my and [Friend]'s expense.

I know it may not seem like a big deal to you, but not only did this humiliate me, but it broke my heart."

I didn't know what to do. How to react.

On the one hand, I was relieved. He didn't go to Florida. He was wearing the same costume as someone else in a different time-zone. Not that bad.

But still, he was hurt. A lot, apparently. And I don't want to hurt anyone, let alone someone I care about deeply.

But then, how could he misconstrue a costume suggestion to mean that I loved him?

I don't know. I wrote back that I was sorry and that I hadn't meant to hurt him.

And then I got an e-mail from him that was angry that I had chosen to be terse.

So I wrote one back saying that I didn't want to write anything else, because if I did, he would either use it as a reason to yell at me or a reason to beat himself up, and I wanted to avoid both situations. I also said, in no uncertain terms, that I do not want to get back together with him.

He wrote me again, saying that he wants to Skype with me to sort out this argument, and then he linked to a study claiming that body language is 55% of communication.

I just feel... squished. Flattened. Like there's no where for me to go. I just want to make all of this go away.

I didn't mean to hurt him, but he keeps hurting me. I try to be nice, and everything goes wrong. And the result is that I just end up beating myself up and feeling miserable, or wanting to hit him or something.

Maybe I'm the bad guy in this situation. Maybe I am. I admit that. And as much as I want you all, lovely readers, to tell me that I'm not, I can't even believe it if you say it. Because I know that you're viewing a very skewed, one-sided, biased version of this story. And who knows what it looks like from his side?

May your good intentions not lead to Hell.

~A~

The Aforementioned Video

2009-10-30T08:16:00.002-04:00

I added the promised video to I'm Golden, but I figured I'd better have it in a new post for anyone who had already marked-as-read in Google Reader.

As a reminder, this was taped at an ungodly hour of the morning after a full day of tech, and I hadn't taken off all of my make-up. And I had to sing really quietly (and a cappella) so as to not wake up my roommates.

Enjoy.

What's Up? By Angela from Angela Boration on Vimeo.

May you get up that great big hill of hope.

~A~

I'm Golden

2009-10-25T03:00:00.008-04:00

I came all the way from 1984 to say this:

Happy birthday to me.

I mentioned on another of the blogs I write (are you keeping up? I didn't think so) that today is my birthday. My 25th. The Golden Birthday that I share with Katy Perry. *waves to birthday twin*

Now, I had been planning this particular birthday for years. Literally. Years. Back in 2005, back when I was still terrified of karaoke, a girl sang "What's Up?" by 4-Non-Blondes at a karaoke bar, and I knew I wanted to sing it on my 25th birthday (because the opening lyric references being twenty-five). And then a year ago, when I was doing karaoke regularly on Sunday nights, I realized that my 25th birthday would fall on a Sunday, and I knew, I KNEW, that I had to follow through on that dream.

(Side note: on the eve of my 24th birthday last year, I sang "What's My Age Again" at karaoke, just for the line "Nobody likes you when you're twenty-three").

What I didn't know was that I would be in rehearsal all freaking day. From noon to midnight, at least (with a break for dinner, but still). And that even if I went out to karaoke on my birthday, no one else would have the will or energy to go with me. I also didn't know that my roommate would have a matinee tomorrow morning and needs her beauty sleep, so I can't throw myself a party post-rehearsal.

For the record, if today had been my ideal 25th-golden birthday, I would've shown up to karaoke in a gold dress, sang "What's Up?" and a Katy Perry song (in honor of my twin... probably "(I Do Not) Hook Up" if they had it, as it applies to my life rather nicely at the moment... but since I doubt they'd have that at karaoke, perhaps "Ur So Gay", "I Kissed a Girl", or "Hot n Cold"). I would've gone to Disney World (as it's only two hours away and in 2009 they had a special thing where you could get in free on your birthday). I would've ordered the really delicious champagne I had when Jenn hosted a wine-tasting party last year, and would've had several bottles on hand in my kitchen, ready to serve.

But life isn't like perfect.

So it's 2:00am right now, and it's my birthday. I got home from rehearsal at 12:45am, loaded the dishwasher, e-mailed my mother (wishing her a happy anniversary of surviving labor), and decided that, gosh-darn it, I wanted to sing "What's Up?"

I made you all a video. I'm tired. I still have half of my make-up on from our dress run of Mystery Plays. My hair is still up in the style that it will be for my (probably lesbian) lawyer character from Act II. I'm wearing a yellow t-shirt that says, "I can't... I have rehearsal" (which I thought was particularly appropriate. I look completely terrible, horrible, no good, very bad. And I had to sing really quietly a cappella, as my thinly-walled condo contains two sleeping roommates (who might forgive me for waking them up, since it's my birthday and neither of them have anything to do tomorrow, but I'd rather not disturb if I can avoid it).

Enjoy.

What's Up? By Angela from Angela Boration on Vimeo.

(ETA: The video does not appear to be working. Will try again later.)

25 of the Lessons I've Learned:

1. It's hard to accomplish anything without setting goals first.

2. Some people are never going to like me, no matter how much I try to win them over.

3. The best part about being single is the freedom to flirt.

4. It's important to give emotions the respect that they deserve. Otherwise, they will find a really inconvenient time to show up, take over, and take their revenge.

5. The best way to bond with someone is just to listen.

6. Part of wanting someone is knowing that they want you. But if that's the predominant reason you want them, then there's a problem.

7. Life is greatly improved by knowing how to take joy in small things.

8. The most stressful, strange, and scary things that we survive in life are usually the ones that make the best stories later on.

9. Feeding your passions is always a worthwhile endeavor.

10. Lying to yourself rarely gets you anywhere.

11. Movies are often better the second or third time you watch them. But books are almost always best the first time you read them.

12. It's okay to be wrong sometimes.

13. Just because a day (a week, a month, a year) isn't particularly good, doesn't mean it has to be bad.

14. There is not just one right path in life. It's not a maze that you have to escape without hitting a dead end. You have to just try to choose whatever roads are going to have the most interesting scenery and hope for the best.

15. Supporting your competitors often gets you farther than fighting against them. And it's usually a more positive way to go about things.

16. Being genuine is always going to get you further than trying to emulate someone else. True in life, truer in theatre.

17. Making a decision, even if you're not sure it's the right one, is usually better than not deciding and waiting for someone/something else to decide for you.

18. Obey laws (unless they're stupid). Try to do things that you think God would approve of (whichever God you believe in, if at all). Avoid getting fired or kicked out of school. Beyond those, the only rules that you should abide by are the ones you make for yourself.

19. Don't tell people more than you want them to know. It's okay to keep some things private.

20. If you want something to be private, don't put it on the internet.

21. Without change, life is boring.

22. Having good manners will never hurt you.

23. Taking out loans when you need them does not make you a weak person.

24. The hardest skill to acquire is ease.

25. Over-thinking is underrated.

Those are mostly for me, but if you get anything out of them, then that's cool, too.

May you never stop learning.

~A~

P.S. Two of the tech students are throwing me a birthday party tomorrow after tech. And the stage manager induced a round of "Happy Birthday to You" at midnight tonight. And my roommates are taking me out for dinner tomorrow. So don't feel too badly for me.

Lady MacBook's Wild Ride

2009-10-04T10:13:00.002-04:00

I guess it's not really "guest-posting" when you're writing for another blog, but it feels like this post belongs on this blog, too... Unfortunately, I signed a contract, saying that I wouldn't duplicate any of my writing elsewhere... So I'll just have to give you a link...

Click here to read the post.

~A~

Woes in a Hurricane

2009-09-30T23:14:00.006-04:00

Everything negative is raining down on me at once, and I'm drowning in the flood.

I need to vent, so I'll do it in list format.

- The Filmmaker dumped me. (SIDE NOTE: I am now rehearsing a play called "The Filmmaker's Mystery". And God is giggling.)
- The Filmmaker called me, post-dumping me, to verbally abuse me. And, because I have a history of abuse and always fall back into the spot of being the victim despite how many times I reassure myself that I'm never going to let it happen again, I let him attack me. I let him. I thought it was me doing something nice for him. I LET IT HAPPEN. Which just makes it MY fault, and makes me feel even worse. - My brother had swine flu. (He's fine now, but it's just one more thing on the list of badness).
- I got bad casting for my season. Which I'm actually okay with... But I'm not okay with not knowing WHY. My auditions and callbacks went well. I've had nothing but positive feedback. Did they plan the season and forget about me? Did I do something to offend someone? What went wrong?
- The thing that my professors wanted me to work on above all else this year? Confidence. (Yeah, really easy to do that when you show so much faith in me).
- My 1st-year acting professor said that he hasn't seen "me" in any of the work he's seen me do this year, and implied that I'd forgotten everything I learned last year in his class, and that he's disappointed in me.
- A classmate of mine who got good casting (actually, unfairly good) insensitively said to me (TO ME!), "Not everyone deserves a lead." (And THIS is the kind of person who is getting REWARDED??? I wrote a very angry poem to her and was going to perform it at an open mic night, but then my roommates said that I shouldn't because it was too harsh and everyone from my school would know who I was talking about.)
- Same classmate tried to tell me today that she thinks ADHD is misdiagnosed in children, and that I should really just add more protein to my diet. WHY DO PEOPLE TRY TO INVALIDATE MY F***ING DISORDER??? I was NOT misdiagnosed! I wasn't even diagnosed as a CHILD! I wasn't medicated until I was 18 YEARS OLD. WHO THE F*** ARE YOU TO TELL ME HOW MY BRAIN WORKS???
- The only guy who has shown any interest in me since my break-up? A pothead who was in the army for 8 years (Why do I attract military men?) who has worse social anxiety than I do. No thank you.
- I overdrafted my checking account twice last week.
- My car insurance company took away one of my discounts because my paperwork didn't go through properly and now says I owe them an additional $60.
- My beloved laptop (and best friend -- and I mean that in a non-ironic way) Lady MacBook died yesterday. I got her on October 3rd, 2006, and I was told I had 3 years worth of AppleCare coverage... but for some reason, Apple says that it expired on September 27th. They think the hard drive is gone, and apparently I have a "warped battery". And if everything that they think is wrong ends up actually being wrong, then I don't have the money to fix her.
- I keep having blindingly bad pain in my stomach, and no one can tell me WHY. Today, it was so bad that I think I literally BLACKED OUT from pain in the middle of class. When it started to subside, I was shaking, light-headed, and tears were streaming down my face, and four of my classmates had their hands on me, trying to help or calm me down or something. I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY!!! Or, at the very least, I WANT TO KNOW WHY IT'S HAPPENING!!!

I think that's a pretty solid list of BAD STUFF ALL HAPPENING AT ONCE.

And there are more things. Some that seem lesser. Like the fact that the karaoke bar I used to go to now has new people running the karaoke, who arrange their (terrible) collection BY SONG TITLE instead of by artist.

Or that the classmate that I used to go out dancing/karaoke-ing with on Sunday nights has now picked up a Sunday night shift working as a bartender, so I haven't been able to do the things that make me forget a bad week (and I can't go alone because of my social anxiety).

Or that I had such great plans for my Golden 25th birthday next month (wear a gold dress and karaoke to "What's Up" by 4 Non-Blondes because of the line "25 years and my life is still/trying to get up that great big hill of hope/towards a destination", and also a Katy Perry song since she and I have the same birthday in the same year), but they all have to be cancelled because my birthday falls on tech weekend for the play I'm in... Which means both the day before my birthday and my birthday itself, I will be in rehearsals from noon to midnight. And I can't throw a party post-midnight, because my roommate has to sleep before her matinee at 10:30am the next morning.

It all just sucks.

I've started going to church regularly. I keep praying that things will suddenly get better. But I just feel so unsatisfied by life right now.

I like to think that everything happens for a reason, but right now, it's really hard to see the reasons.

Please, if you have any compliments for me, I'd like to fish for them right now. I could use some.

~A~

Baby Angela, Part 2

2009-09-28T21:56:00.002-04:00

Regarding the Break Up

2009-09-21T19:25:00.003-04:00

I couldn't deal with it. I didn't have time. So I shoved it aside.

He broke up with me.

And he wasn't wrong to.

I'm not what he wanted. I'm not willing to be engaged-to-be-engaged. I'm not willing to make plans for two years from now that include him.

He called me a few days later and just verbally abused me for like an hour. He wants closure, I think. Or he wants to get back together, but he wants me to change first.

He thinks I prioritize my life in an unhealthy fashion. He wants to help.

I told him no thank you, I'm fine, I'm not broken, I don't need your help.

He said that, as a Christian, I should know better than to be prideful and think that I'm perfect and that no one can help me.

I said that even if I did need help, he is NOT the person that can help me.

I said I needed at least a week. A week without talking to him. I needed distance first.

He e-mailed me the next day, apologizing for driving me away and weakening our relationship. He said he hates himself.

I didn't respond. It felt cold and heartless, but I said I needed that week, and I was sure going to take it.

But then I had auditions. And I didn't deal with my emotions. And because I didn't give my emotions the respect that they deserve, now I can't control them. I'm cool, calm, happy, and fine most of the time, and then suddenly I'm angry with everyone or about to cry.

Today is a week. I should call him today. I said I would.

My friends have forbidden me from doing so. They think it's unhealthy. They think I need to take care of myself first.

They don't care that he's depressed, or that this is the worst his life has ever been, or that he blames himself, or that I still care deeply about him and still can't entirely believe that he broke up with me.

So it's 7:30pm and I haven't called him. Maybe I won't. Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I'll write him an e-mail.

Or maybe I'll just keep away from him until I figure me out first.

May you give your emotions the respect they reserve.

~A~

Break Up Math

2009-09-11T00:16:00.006-04:00

Break Up = (Tears x Pool of Emotions) + Stress Stomachache + (Bowl of Chicken Fried Rice x 3) + (Brownie x 2) + Buying Something Pretty + (Washing Face x 3) + Pretending to Be Normal - Boyfriend

Goodbye, Filmmaker. I'm going to miss you.

May you know when things aren't adding up right. And may the math usually work out in your favor.

~A~

9-11

2009-09-11T00:12:00.001-04:00

I remember.

~A~

Baby Angela, Part 1

2009-09-09T00:01:00.001-04:00

Undeserved Blogiversary

2009-09-08T10:00:00.000-04:00

I almost feel like I shouldn't celebrate this blogiversary.

Why? Because my blog is basically dying. I have my grad school blog. I have my new somewhat-pro-blogging endeavor (see grad school blog for link and details). I have my random-stuff-I-find-on-the-internet blog (which I've had set to daily-auto-update, and has posted a new thing every day since March 1... no idea how long I'm going to be able to keep THAT up, but it's been fun while it's lasted, and the archives ROCK). And this blog?

Well, I feel like I can't use it right now. I have a lot of priorities other than writing. And the thing I really needed to vent about because a guest-post on another blog so that no one could stumble across it (because certain parties have access to it that I wish didn't).

It doesn't quite feel the same these days, does it?

Butm to paraphrase Animal House, this blog has a long history of existence to its author, its readers, and to the community.

So happy 2nd birthday, little blog. Thanks for giving me something to hold on to every time I've needed it most.

And thank you, readers, for making me feel like I'm never really alone.

May you celebrate a little, whether you deserve to or not.

~A~

New Year, New Goals

2009-09-04T20:00:00.003-04:00

GOALS FOR MY SECOND YEAR OF GRAD SCHOOL

1. Gain confidence in myself, my work, and my abilities as an artist.

2. Improve my ability to control my emotions during class/rehearsal when I'm stressed out.

3. Stop being afraid of my emotions.

4. Consistently land my lines.

5. Prevent my nerves from affecting me in performances, particularly in higher stress situations such as opening nights and showings.

6. Become more of a leader within my class and within the rehearsal room.

7. Have more strength to back up my passion, so that I will be just as determined of an actor when I graduate as I have been in school.

8. Stop being afraid of doing things wrong.

9. Work on memorization on a regular basis in order to prevent myself from having to try to stay up late the night before I have to do a scene trying to cram words into my head.

10. Do not add negativity into the world of the school.

11. Stop being negative about my physical capabilities.

12. Be more patient when looking for answers, particularly in Movement class.

13. Keep a straight face when things are happening in class that I have problems with.

14. Be open-minded and take all notes I get in class, no matter how vehemently I may disagree with them.

15. Send thank you notes to people when they do nice things for me.

16. Avoid gossiping behind people's backs.

17. Remember that we all made it through an arduous process to get here, and we are all clearly talented, intelligent people. They deserve to be here, and so do I.

18. Don’t let politics within the school get personal. Just because something is going on in class or in rehearsals, doesn’t mean it has to carry over into the rest of life.

19. Don't let things from OUTSIDE of class affect what's going on INSIDE of class.

20. Try to make friends outside of the program.

21. Go out, do something social, and have fun at least once a week.

22. Actually read all of the assigned reading. Don’t just skim it. Occasionally take notes.

23. Budget properly. If having trouble, begin writing down all expenditures.

24. Take all available opportunities to learn new skills.

25. Work on outside projects (such as student films) if they fit into schedule.

26. Take a trip to somewhere outside of town (even if it’s just to the next closest city) at least once a semester.

27. Go to Disney World at least once.

28. Have as close to perfect attendance as is physically possible.

29. Remember how hard it is to get to grad school. Remember how great of a program this is. Be grateful every, every minute.

30. Find something to love about every class and every professor (so that I can focus on those things on the days that classes seriously blow).

31. Swear less. Except in my kitchen, as that seems to be a swearing hellmouth. Replace swear words with exclamations such as “drat”, “shoot”, “freakin’”, “frak” (← it’s a Battlestar Galactica term), and the like when possible.

32. Cut alcohol out of diet (as much as possible).

33. Drink water for mostly everything. Milk, soy milk, and juice can be ingested in moderation. Soda pop is only allowed in bars.

34. Be supportive of classmates, not competitive with them.

35. Avoid getting too negative about myself or my potential.

36. Use days off well, because they’re few and far between.

37. Laugh as much as possible.

38. Write down all homework assignments (because I WILL forget them if I don’t).

39. Remember to step back and take time to breathe.

40. Do whatever it takes to get closer to the goal of becoming a castable, skilled, professional actor.

41. Loosen up.

If you have any other suggestions, by all means send them along.

May you reassess your goals on a regular basis.

~A~

Posted

2009-08-29T17:52:00.002-04:00

I anonymously guest-blogged, as I mentioned that I wanted to.

If you want a link, e-mail me at angelaboration(at)gmail(dot)com

~A~

My New Shirt

2009-08-25T18:51:00.003-04:00

Look what I wore for the first day of classes...

Do you love it? I know I do!

~A~

P.S. If you want one for yourself, I custom-ordered mine here. Yay for Etsy!

Vlog #1: This is a test.

2009-08-15T23:24:00.005-04:00

I tried to record a Vlog for Vlog Day about my love of 20SB, but it didn't work. So now I'm just going to test things out until I figure out how to vlog. Test one!

Me learning to play Vanessa Carlton:

All good things,

~A~

Summery Summary

2009-08-12T23:05:00.034-04:00

For once in my life, I feel like being terse tonight. But knowing me, that's not possible... I'll address one thing at a time, and distract you with lots of pictures in between.

As it turns out, I really like my job. I'm in charge of a database. I'm a pretty good salesperson. I get to wear pretty jewelry everyday. I get a great discount. My boss is awesome.

The store I work for opened 3 weeks ago, but is having its grand opening party the night that I leave (I'm leaving at 6am; the party is at 7pm). It was supposed to be last week, but got postponed. Part of me is sad to be missing it. But most of me is relieved to be away from the chaos.

My lovely Filmmaker Daniel came out to visit for a week. I took a few days off from work. We spent one day in NYC. I loved having him here, even though it was brief.

My boyfriend loves taking pictures of me. Perhaps even more than I used to love taking them of myself. (Oh, remember those days of me taking pictures of myself with Lady Macbook before every blog post? Seems like another lifetime). And because of his film skills, he's a much better photographer than I am.

My stomach pains were practically non-existent for a month, but returned full-force three days ago. I'm going to see a gastroenterologist tomorrow. I hope that I'll figure out exactly what's wrong before school starts again.

I saved $430 on car insurance by switching to State Farm, and I'm actually going to be getting BETTER coverage than with my no-one-has-ever-heard-of-it company. Geico would've saved me another $200, but the coverage was terrible.

My roommate has informed me that when I return to Florida, my broken (insured) car will be waiting for me. Apparently, it won't start. She thinks it's the alternator or the battery. Luckily, I had the foresight to purchase some sort of extended warranty, so the place where I bought it (used) will do all the repairs I need for the next three years. So at least that.

I'm not back in Florida yet, but a couple of my classmates are already driving me nuts. And they don't know it.

I'm not back in Florida yet, but I already feel stressed out. This is going to be the hardest year of schooling I've ever had. And I might be blogging professionally on that other unnamed blog while I do it? And keeping up my grad school blog?... In case you hadn't deduced, don't be shocked if you don't hear from me much over here at AngElaboration... But I suppose you're used to that by now.

I really love pretty things. Like jewelry. And dresses. And nail polish. Sometimes, being a girl is awesome.

At one point in the summer, I gave up biting my nails. Again. They got really long, actually. But then when Daniel came I chewed them all off again. I don't know why. Habits are hard to break, I suppose.

I was laughing so hard at one point when I saw the movie The Hangover that I couldn't breathe.

I lost weight this summer. Then I somehow gained it all back in the one week that my boyfriend was in town (I think it had something to do with the fact that he eats SO MUCH, and I end up eating more without realizing it when he's around). I'm starting to lose it again. Because the day that I hit my goal weight a few weeks ago? It was such a very, very happy day. I hadn't seen that number in years. And it was nice. Because for a normal girl, size 4/6 is skinny; for an actress, it's pushing it.

I really love working. Being idle isn't a good fit for me. I like to be busy. I like it when people are depending on me. I like succeeding. I hope that all of that makes me a good candidate to be a professional actor.

I apparently have had the wrong (VERY WRONG) glasses prescription for an entire year. As in, the last doctor I saw wrote in my astigmatism like 90 degrees off from the way it should be. I just got new glasses and contacts, and I can see. It's a miracle. (I, sadly, did not end up with the awesome glasses pictured below, as I decided that they were impractical.)

I bought so many postcards this summer that I never wrote out. And the one that I did write out? I never sent.

I bought a glass ball necklace on etsy that I'm madly in love with, but I don't know a good way to transport it to Florida with me. I might just wear it on the plane and hope for the best.

Sometimes, it's fun to just be childlike again. I wish that life were always pretty and carefree. There's a delightful lightness about the way we play as children. I want to find a way to incorporate it into life as an adult.

My 25th birthday is coming up. On October 25th. So for my golden birthday, I've decided to start shopping for a gold dress. My birthday falls on a Sunday night, which will be during tech week of a show I'm doing. But, luckily, I'll have Monday off. So that means it'll be a karaoke night. Which is good, because I decided back when I was 21 that on my 25th birthday I would sing "What's Up?" by 4 Non-Blondes. Why? Because the first line is: "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope, towards a destination. With a little luck, Daniel might be able to come out for the occasion.

For Halloween (the week after my birthday), Daniel might then still be in town. He wants to do the whole matching Halloween costume thing with me, which I've never been into. I like it being more of a solo event, costume-wise. And I just keep thinking about my ex who always wanted to go with me as Gomez & Morticia... I love me some Addams Family (especially the movie Addams Family Values, which is a masterpiece... the production design and the lighting design in that movie are unreal kinds of good, and the writing is brill), but that's just way too typical of a costume for me. I need something a little more unusual. A little more creative. A little more... me.

Originally, I thought about being Lady GaGa, but I think that's going to be THE costume this year. I thought of Katy Perry (my birthday-mate, who will probably also be wearing a golden dress this year), but I don't think people would really get it (because not everyone spends as much time reading Go Fug Yourself as I do). So I'm at a loss.

There's one thing that's weighing heavily on my psyche, but as usual, it feels like something I shouldn't blog about. But if anyone out there is interested in having an anonymous guest blogging one of these days, shout in my direction.

May you let your cares fly like dandelion seeds on the wind.

~A~

P.S.

Showering Renee with Love

2009-07-24T00:46:00.026-04:00

Around the 20SB part of the blogosphere today, we're gathering to celebrate the idea of matrimony in honor of our lovely blogging friend Renee.

(Isn't she gorgeous?)

But dude, she was totally MY friend FIRST.

I met Renee back in 2004, when she started at my college. At the time, she was a theatre major just like me, although I was a couple of years ahead of her.

At one point, we had a joke that if another gal in my class and I somehow had a love child, it would be Renee. Hence this picture.

(Renee with her two "moms". Circa April 2005)

I believe it was coined more for personality blends than physical traits, but I believe there's a bit of faux-family resemblance there.

I feel that it is now an important time to share a couple of awkward pictures of her with you... You know, just because I can (both were taken by me).

(Renee photobombing behind our friends Liesl and Anna. Circa April 2005)

(Renee and Anna at Steak n Shake. This picture was taken for the early days of Facebook when they were finally letting you put up pictures for free without one of those wirehog accounts, and I thought a great subject for a photo album would be "Drinking Straws". Not kidding. Circa May 2005)

We did a production of Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella together. I played one of the ugly stepsisters (type-casting?), and Renee was a mouse. Yes, you read that right. A mouse. She was also a ball guest and a townsperson if I remember correctly, and I'm sure I could find you a picture of her dressed cute. But aren't mouse pictures better? That's what I thought.

(Renee is on the right in both pictures. Circa April 2005)

In this dancing role, Renee got to use her famous legs. Our Acting Improvisation professor once made the comment that she thought Renee was "all legs", and frequently compared her movement to that of a gazelle. And in my head, I will now always associate "Renee" with "gazelle". Always.

(Not great pics, I know, but at least you can see her light-up ears and our low-tech pumpkin carriage.)

And to prove that I was in the same musical, here's a picture of me trying to win over the Prince with Cinderella standing in the background.

For some promotional event for Cinderella, the actors played the Prince and Cinderella were scheduled to go to a local mall for a day in costume so that kids could get their pictures taken with them. So Renee and I decided that we should crash this event. We also decided that we should make costumes. So we dressed as the Prince's fan club... aka a bunch of girls who were trying to beat Cinderella out for the role of Princess. I believe Renee and I went to Wal-mart or Target or something to get supplies. We recruited a few other cast members and...

(In my dorm lobby, before heading out)

(Yeah, Renee definitely added fringe to the bottom of her shirt, because she was crafty long before she had an Etsy shop. And she also made the yellow shirt for that girl, if I remember correctly.)

(Fighting the Princess)

(Just like the Mounties, we always get our man.)

Hey Renee, I don't know about you, but I still totally have my shirt. It says "The Future Mrs. Charming". I'd send it to you for use pre-wedding if it didn't say "Mister Fister Fan Club" on the sleeve (Fister being the surname of the actor who played the Prince).

The following fall, Renee indulged me by going to a Toxic Audio concert with me when most of my friends thought that "professional a cappella" sounded lame. But see, she watched some YouTube videos with me in my dorm room (which took FOR.EV.ER. to load back then), and was convinced that it was anything BUT lame.

So we went to the concert. And then we stayed after and met the members of the group. Renee seemed to be particularly fascinated with the Bass, named Rene (ooh! Matching names!) after he did a Phantom of the Opera number. (Beau-Named-Joe, if you read this, watch out for him... he could be a threat. Or just start singing Phantom around the house a lot).

(Renee, me, and another friend of ours with Paul and Rene of Toxic Audio. Circa September 2005)

Later that semester, Renee and I did another play together: The Tragedy of Macbeth. And it was an all-female cast (which you can pretty much only get away with if you're at a women's college... which we were). Unfortunately, I don't have any sensational pictures of the two of us together, but I'll put on a few that I have.

(Renee is obviously the stunning Thane on the right, and I am Lady Macbeth in the center. Circa November 2005)

(Renee getting into mischief in the dressing room with our friend Anna... who seems to be in tons of my pictures of Renee, as you may have noticed).

Here's a random picture of some cast members in the dining hall after a rehearsal. Note that Renee and I are sitting next to each other and awkwardly peeking up like prairie dogs at the back of the table...

(The cross is just there to remind you that it was a Catholic school.)

So there. Now there's proof that I was her friend BEFORE she was a blogger.

And Renee has said that I inspired her to blog. In fact, I'd like to think of myself as her muse. After all, she has copied my fashion sense a couple of times... Like here:

I know what you're thinking. "Angela, that shirt was mass-produced. Those pictures prove nothing." Okay, fine, non-believer. I have a couple more exhibits for you. Behold...

Me dressed up for my Senior Formal, April 8th, 2006:

(Note me on the far right, in that gorgeous blue number. Also note how skinny I was back then, because DAMN I was skinny. Hello 20-pound-thinner version of me!)

Renee dressed up for her Senior Formal, April 2008:

Notice anything familiar? Yeah. I rest my case. I'm her muse, I tell you. Her MUSE!!!

Alright, fine. I don't really believe that... Renee has plenty of good ideas on her own that have nothing to do with me and my incredible taste in dresses. In fact, sometimes she inspires ME. For example, she turned me on to 20SB, which is the whole reason I have blog friends and have CONTINUED blogging. Without her, I never would've experienced awesome times like this:

(Renee and me with Joy of Big Time Fancy and Pete of The Situation Has Deteriorated. Circa June 2008.)

Anyway. Renee, I love you so much. And I'm so excited for you and Joe. So right now, I'd like to remind you of the current happiest day of your life (at least, as far as all your blog readers can tell...)

Remember that?

I want your wedding day to be at least 7 levels better than the day you drove around Chelsea Clinton.

Best wishes, my lovely Renee.

And congratulations, Joe. You've found one hell of a Belle (and a gazelle!).

May you live happily ever after!

~A~

Exposure Blogging

2009-07-22T00:23:00.007-04:00

(Me all dressed up to watch the Tony Awards... Am I the only one who does that?)

A couple of weeks ago, I went into NYC on business (to be trained in how to put gloves on customers at the jewelry/accessories store I'm working at). I happened to be in town the same day as a panel discussion on theatre blogging, which was led by the guy who is in charge of the New York Times theatre web page. I made some great contacts there, and one of them led to something awesome.

I have been in communication with the online managing editor for a notable theatre website (ETA: my brother recommended that I remove the name, so I have).

The company has a trade publication for actors. It used to be the magazine that every actor got, because it gave all sorts of information about upcoming auditions and gigs and people to contact and the like. But in this fancy technological day in age, the physical publication has sort of fallen to the wayside and is now hard to come by. And in its place, there's a glorious online version. You can subscribe to the site to get all the insider information, but you can access most of the stuff without that.

The Head Honcho of the online division of said company has read my grad school blog (thanks to a contact of mine from that panel discussion). He wrote, "Perhaps there is a way we can help your work get a wider audience."

Being the dutiful student that I am, I wrote to the head of my grad school program for his opinion on the matter. He wrote, and I quote, "Sounds great to me – go for it. Just keep the blog going! It’s been the best tool we’ve had for recruitment!". (And you thought I was kidding when I said my school loves me.)

I spoke to the online guy today. There's a blog that they have on their website that generally has about 6-8 contributing actors writing for it at a time. They generally write 300-400 word posts about 3-4 times per week. They'd like me to write for it.

Pros:
- Audience! My current blog has gotten about 15,000 hits in its first year. Their blog gets 250,000-300,000 hits per month.
- Exposure. Huge for an actor.
- Prestige. If I ever want to write about acting (or teach/coach) in the future, this is a great thing to have on my résumé (I'd call myself an "online columnist" instead of a blogger, of course).
- Link-backs. I can put the link to my grad school blog (or my brand new web page... which I won't link to here, but it's AngelaLastName.com if you know my last name. It's not impressive yet, but I established it this weekend to lock up the domain... and I'll make it nicer later) at the end of every post I do.
- Awesomeness. THIS IS SO FREAKING COOL!

Cons:
- Lack of personal branding. I'd only be a contributing blogger, so it's not really the same level of personal gain that I get from writing my own blog... So I know that I won't be giving that up.
- Length. 300-400 words is not exactly my style. If you haven't noticed, I tend to be a bit wordier than that.
- Responsibility. I'm going to be taking a full load of classes AND be in a season of theatre rehearsals/performances AND be keeping up my regular blog (as the head of my program has told me he wants me to) AND be Skyping with my long-distance boyfriend nightly... Writing 3-4 posts a week might be slightly unrealistic.
- Content. They don't want the posts for their site to be like the ones on mine. They want exclusive, original content. Which means that in addition to all the rest of the stuff I'm doing this year, I'd have to come up with 3-4 creative and interesting post IDEAS each week.

When he proposed this, I mentioned my hectic schedule and said that I didn't know if 3-4 posts a week was realistic. I said that 1-2 posts a week would be better for me. He said that he'd have to think about it, as generally they think it builds a better fan base to have more regular of posts from each author. He also said that it would be okay to have mixed media (aka I can put up pictures or videos, or embed YouTube videos I think are interesting) and just basically add commentary. He said that frequency is more important than length. So that would be a lot less stressful...

I told him in that case, I might be able to do 2-3 posts a week.

As I was getting off the phone with him, he said, "Oh, I forgot! We have another option!"

On a different (harder to get to) part of the site, there's an "Advice" blog that frankly doesn't appear to advise much at all. He said that for that, it's mostly just guest bloggers. It would be in the style of a first person essay about a given experience, telling a whole story about something. It would be 1200-1500 words in length, and it'd only be once a month or once every couple of months.

Pros:
- Less frequent. Dude, I can totally do a post a month. Easy!
- Length. 1200-1500 words? Piece of cake. During NaNoWriMo I was writing 1,667 words a day! And it'll give me more of a chance to write like myself than a measly 300-400 would.
- Credibility. How awesome would it be to say I was writing a monthly ADVICE COLUMN for this site? Totally makes me sound like a pro.

Cons:
- Less exposure. I'd still get to do the link backs, but this is on a hard to find part of their site. I'd already read (and subscribed to) the other actor-written blog, but I had no idea that this one even existed.
- Less excitement. Not nearly as cool as being a regular columnist.

The way I left it with the guy was that I'd think about it, and we'd be in touch. I'm not going back to school for another month, so we have time.

I don't know if there'd be any monetary compensation, but I don't even really care. I'd be getting paid in exposure, which is still really stellar. It's especially great because my brother is trying to help me set up selling ad space on my grad school blog, as I've been contacted by two different legitimate-looking companies in the last couple of weeks who want to buy ad space from me (and you thought I was kidding when I said I'm famous).

Anyway. I just wanted to share this part of my journey with you all. Let me know if you have any thoughts on what I should do. I could use some advice.

May you be exposed in all of the right ways (and none of the improper ones).

~A~

P.S. For the sake of comparison, I just copied and pasted all of the above into Microsoft word (Note: pre-edits). It was 1,177 words long. And it took me about 20 minutes to write it. Just food for thought. (ETA: Post edits it is 1,170 words long)

The Film Set

2009-07-12T13:39:00.003-04:00

(Sorry for another post stolen from my other blog...)

(Me on set!)

As promised, I'm finally going to share my experience working on the short film, Evelyn Sack's Eleven o'Clock Number.

I got to Tallahassee on Saturday evening (July 27th), and the adventure began.

The Production Designer, the Art Director, and I went to Bed, Bath and Beyond to buy some additional props that had not yet been obtained. The three of us were scheduled to go shop for one of my costumes on Sunday afternoon, but I realized that the director wanted to shoot the scene I needed the outfit for on Sunday morning… We ended up getting to the mall 30 minutes before it closed. In a mad dash, we went to 6 stores in that 30 minutes, I tried on a bunch of really ugly things and a couple of cute ones, and we bought two dresses, a suit, a jacket, and three shirts (knowing that most of these items would be returned unworn).

On Sunday morning, I got up, straightened my hair, and went to a television news studio where we were filming our first scene (which is chronologically last in the film). I ended up wearing a red dress we bought at Ann Taylor Loft (the first thing we bought in our shopping rampage) with a black jacket that I had brought with me to Florida. That first scene went pretty well, and was totally a piece of cake! We only did a few takes.

We went to the place we were filming afterward, which is turned out is this huge house. And when I say house, I mean mansion. It has two kitchens, two laundry rooms, maids’ quarters, and even its own guest house. It’s pretty incredible. I rehearsed with the other actress, and we choreographed our big fight scene.

On Monday, I woke up early and went through my Fitzmaurice tremoring and my other vocal warm-ups, despite the fact that the scenes we were filming that day were for an action sequence without dialogue. Somehow, just going through the warm-ups puts me in a better state of mind to act.

I got to the set around 6:15am. My character was supposed to have sort of given up on her appearance. I happened to already own a muted brown suit that looked pretty drab on camera. I also wore a turquoise tank top and black shoes that I owned. We let my hair air-dry. I wore my glasses, and I had no make-up on. When the Production Designer (she was in charge of the way the costumes, set, and props looked) saw me, she said, “You look terrible. It’s perfect!” Initially, I was mildly offended (after all, I was wearing all my own clothes and looked how I normally look on Mondays), but I understand that it’s a little different for camera.

People were setting things up long before the other actress and I had anything to do. Around 8:00am, the First A.D. (which seems to translate to a Stage Manager in theatre) called for a “New Deal”. The New Deal happened before every scene that we shot. The other actress and I would act out the entire scene while the rest of the crew watched (most were seeing it for the first time) and the Second A.D. videotaped it. Then, the Director of Photography (who is in charge of cinematography -- designing the lighting and setting up shots) explained all the angles that the scene would be filmed from, and with what camera lenses. After the new deal, the crew started setting up everything to prepare for the first shot.

This movie was being filmed on a camera called “The Red” (called that because it has a red lens), which produces digital film. It’s a lot less expensive than traditional film, and everything is shot in HD.

Before each shot, I’d have to stand on several marks (i.e. places that I would end up during the course of the action) and the crew would arrange things around me. The D.P. (Director of Photography) held up a device to whatever was supposed to be in focus in the shot (usually my face, but sometimes a prop I was holding) and call out that things were at various numbers (like “2.8” or “4”), and then the camera team would adjust things. I asked if the device measured light. They explained that a camera lens works a lot like a human eye. Just as our pupils adjust depending on the light in the room, camera lenses have to do the same to get a clear picture. The device was not technically measuring the light, but rather was measuring how much the camera’s equivalent of a pupil had to open in order for the shot to work.

The camera team also used a measuring tape to figure out the distance between the camera lens and my eyes. From what I could gather, the focus of the camera is operated manually, and the two people operating the camera have to make adjustments mid-shot when actors move. For some really close shots, I was told that I had to hit my mark within two inches or the shot would be “soft” (fuzzy and not focused). That was especially crucial – and difficult – for a shot where I fell to the ground and had to land in the same place every time. I got pretty good at hitting my marks as a result of that shot.

We spent all of Saturday just filming the fight scene over and over again from every angle possible. Sometimes the camera was static, and sometimes it moved on a track. Sometimes one of the actors wasn’t in the shot at all, so the person who was had to react to something imaginary. Sometimes they moved the furniture around in order to “cheat” shots (make it look like an angle was right when it really wasn’t for the sake of continuity).

Between takes, the director would come over to me to privately give me instructions. "I need you to be crazier, and sickly enjoy hurting her," for example. A couple of times I got, "pull it back," and a couple of times I got, "don't be afraid of going too far," depending on the shot. A lot of times I was told to slow things down (so that it will be easier for them to cut things together in editing; film acting involves far slower of impulses than stage acting). After filming, he made a joke that he wanted me to have, "Flames. Flames, on the sides of your face..." (it's a quote from the movie Clue).

(The Director, giving me notes)

Before every take, they called for "Last Looks", which meant that the Production Designer would make sure everything looked consistent to how it looked in every other take, so that the footage would cut together properly in the editing room. My character was supposed to be sweating and stressed out. Therefore, my Last Looks meant getting my face, shoulders, and hair sprayed with water from a spray bottle, and messing up my hair, and then patting me down if the water looked too drippy. For the other actress, it meant making sure that her facial mask looked perfect (and since I was "smothering" her with a pillow in most takes, it needed a lot of touch-ups... and it meant cleaning some of her mask off of the pillow).

(The other actress and me posing by her "heart monitor".)

During the times that the crew was preparing for shots, the other actress and I occasionally had a little time to head over to Craft Services, which is where all the food for the cast and crew is, and is probably the most dangerous thing on a film set. Apparently, crews eat pretty much only junk food. There were so many different kinds of cookies and crackers and muffins… I successfully managed to avoid all of the really treacherous food and tried to eat mostly fruits and veggies, but it wasn’t easy. At one point, the Producer (which, for this project, was sort of the equivalent to a Production Manager) went out and got me pineapples and bananas (which I swear that I did not request in a diva fashion, and he was super sweet to get them for me).

(Me trying to stay out of people's way between takes)

By the end of the first day, I realized that being on a film set felt sort of familiar to me; it’s a lot like being an actor in a play during tech weekend. Some of the crew people have tons to do (Director, Director of Photography, First A.D., Gaffer, Key Grip, Best Boy Electric, First Camera Assistant, Camera Operators), some of the crew people have a lot of time where they’re just waiting around for the chance to do something (Sound Team, Script Supervisor), and the actors have to stand in places for long periods of time, and then repeat the same 10 seconds of a scene over and over again. In short, it felt like I had one of the easy jobs.

That said, by the end of the day, I was tired. Being on set was exhausting. And the fact that I was doing a lot of combat (well, stage combat… but I don’t know if you call it the same thing when it’s not on stage) all day was probably the culprit.

The second day (Tuesday), we filmed every other scene in the movie. We filmed in an order that was not chronological in any way, but seemed intuitive to the crew in terms of set-up locations. Because the set ups were all over the house, it meant more downtime for the actors. And since I didn't have to be "sweaty", I didn't have to get sprayed down with the water at all.

There was one scene in which I had to run down a staircase. And then they'd call "cut", and I had to climb back up the stairs and do it again. I got my exercise that day.

Near the end of the day, a couple of the crew's professors showed up to check in on them. I think it was their Production Design professor and their Cinematography professor.

(The man with the ponytail is their Cinematography professor. Among his many credits, he did the Underwater Photography for the movie Jaws.)

After all of my scenes had completed, the crew applauded for me. They were really sweet. I then went and watched the monitor as the other actress filmed her final shots. They looked so cool! I was excited.

Once she finished, the other actress and I went off with the Sound crew. Normally, we'd be called in during the editing process to say lines while watching ourselves on the screen for any parts where the sound wasn't clear, which is called "ADR" (one person said it stood for "Automated Dialogue Replacement", and another said "Additional Dialogue Recording"... both are on Wikipedia, so who knows?). But I'm pretty far out of town, so I'm not really able to come back for that. Instead, we went to a quiet room and recorded our lines a few times into a microphone, trying to say everything with the same speed, inflections, and accidental paraphrases (or rewrites) that we used in the filming. They called these recordings "wilds".

One of my favorite things to witness happened after all the filming was over and most things had been packed up. The people who were ATL ("Above the Line" -- Director, Director of Photography, Production Designer, Producer) went through and thanked all the BTL ("Below the Line" -- everyone else) and the other ATL for their help. It was lovely. Every single person on that set was important. And it was neat how we all worked together to create something.

(Me with the Artistic Director, Daniel. I stole these pictures from his Facebook.)

Anyway. It was a wonderful experience, and I feel incredibly blessed to have been a part of it. I hope I have more opportunities to work on screen in the future.

May every newly opened door help you find happiness.

~A~

Film Shoot Screen Caps!

2009-07-07T08:05:00.003-04:00

Okay, so I'm completely stealing a post from my other blog, but I think it's worth doing...

As those of you following me on Twitter know, I worked on a graduate student film in Tallahassee last weekend. I started typing up information about the whole process (it was so cool!), but haven't had time to finish it yet...

But, in the meantime, the Director of Photography took some screen caps of the footage, so I thought I'd share them with you.

Lara (me) in silhouette on the phone with her boss.

Lara on the phone with her boss.

Evelyn walks to her vanity.

Evelyn putting on makeup to make herself look sick.

Evelyn telling Lara how worthless she is.

Evelyn sleeps while Lara tries to murder her.

It looks like a real movie! I'm so geeked, I can't even tell you. :)

~A~

P.S. This is the reason I missed the 20SB Chicago meet-up. A total bummer to have missed it, but at least you know I had a good reason.

Health Update

2009-07-05T21:05:00.003-04:00

In case you were wondering...

My second blood test came back totally fine, so I'm in the clear on brain issues.

My ultrasound was completely normal.

I've had stomachaches all day.

So basically, now they have no idea what's wrong with me, but something is definitely still wrong with me. In some ways, it's more frustrating and disappointing than having a real answer.

My doctor wants to put me on birth control to regulate my cycle, but I'm not into that idea. I really don't want to add more hormones to my body. Especially since I'm trying to be healthy and lose weight right now.

I've already lost a good chunk of weight. 17 pounds since November. Today I stepped on the scale, and the number I saw was lower than I've seen in two years. I'm a size 6, which is skinny for a normal person, but still pushing it for an actress.

I'm doing exercise videos and I've given up french fries. I'm just trying to eat other bad-for-me foods in moderation.

Why do I always feel like I'm fighting against my body?

May you find a way to work with your body instead of against it.

~A~

Looking Back: Poetical Parentheticals

2009-06-27T01:00:00.000-04:00

“This post is a part of 20SB’s Looking Back Blog Carnival, and Ben & Jerry’s is awarding free ice cream to lucky bloggers and readers!”

So here you are, readers. A very old post from a very silly me, writing about the kind of writing that I set out to write... Whether or not I accomplished this feat I suppose is something that you are equipped to determine for yourselves.

If I remember correctly, I wrote this because my then-boyfriend had shared with me the now-defunct blog of a girl he said he had a crush on "because of her writing"... And I found it somewhat pretentious and off-putting (albeit witty and funny... so really, I was jealous). And I think I wrote this post at him (I'd say "to him", but he never lowered himself to reading my blog -- which I started because of his influence -- despite his insistence that I should read his).

Originally published 09/29/07. Enjoy!

My mother often will comment to me that she enjoys reading e-mails I’ve sent her because “you write just like you talk!” I don't understand... Doesn’t everyone? Why would you write any other way?

I agree with her. I like to think that I write in a fashion that is similar to the way I speak. Run-on sentences and fragments. Beginning sentences with conjunctions. An appalling amount of long, winding parentheticals (I don’t think that’s even a noun, but someone I know uses it all the time, so I’m stealing it… and I just realized that I put in a parenthetical right after mentioning my use of parentheticals. That was unintentional, and I’m slightly embarrassed that I’ve accidentally proven my own point. But since it so beautifully illustrates what I’ve said, I’m leaving it in. Wow, I didn’t mean to start that sentence with a conjunction. Smooth move, Angela. At least there is now evidence that I know myself). Other than omitting my disturbing usages of “like”, “um”, and “uh”, this is pretty much the standard way I communicate.

I probably shouldn’t admit this, but to make certain that everything I’ve written is something I would say, I recite each of my blog entries out loud once through before posting them. I remove anything that’s too fluffy or unnatural, because I don’t want to be that sort of writer. I want to be, for lack of a better word, real. (If you’ve met me, and you try hard enough, I bet you can hear my voice right now…. Helloooooooooo!)

I’m not one for long passages of purple prose. I’m not going to grab a thesaurus while typing (or rely too heavily upon the thesaurus I have internally). I’m not going to carefully compose something that is linguistically artful. I’m just going to write. And I’ll write whatever thoughts come into my head, whether they follow or not. Just like I’m doing now. Which is why I’m writing about writing instead of actually writing something of interest to others. Because that’s what I’m thinking. (Luckily, I’m a decent typist. Otherwise, this would be a far more complicated and arduous task. My fingers can’t quite keep up with my thoughts, but they do alright.) I still choose my words, because if I said everything that popped into my head, I’d surely be committed against my will. I have no desire to be institutionalized. I imagine that it would be far less interesting than the movie Girl, Interrupted made it out to be. So I only let the debatably crazy thoughts leak out (until I’m being arraigned for something, in which case I will find a way to use insanity as a defense. I wonder if that would work with parking tickets...).

I like to think that, despite my breaking the occasional rule of language, I'm relatively articulate. I think I get most things across exactly as I intend to. Although I do, from time to time, have to translate my thoughts into a language that can better be understood by people who aren't me. It’s not that I’m dumbing down my writing to make it more accessible (which I certainly did on occasion in my previous online journal… I had a couple of regular readers who became confused and alienated when I chose words in excess of seven letters… and I loved having fans so much that I catered to them a little in order to bait them into returning). I will only translate myself if the things I wish to say don't seem to be understood the way I wish them to be.

I'm not going to try to impress you. Why should I? It's not like you're going to read this if you have to google half the things I type. I hate reading ostentatious or patronizing writing (if you don't know what those words mean, then you really should invest in a good dictionary... trust me, you need it), which is why I refuse to compose it. I will not read text if it seems that the writer is out to prove something about their abilities or how “deep” they are. Tell me a story (or four). Take me on a journey full of ideas. Make me think. But don’t choke me with words; I won’t put up with it.

For the record, I am quite capable of writing at a more scholarly level than I do. I am, after all, rather cerebral (or, as I generally prefer to paraphrase that, “I think too much.” It makes me sound like less of an egomaniacal jackhole). Maybe someday I will. Just to prove a point. I’m not even sure whom I’d be proving it to (myself, I suppose). I’ll write something so condescendingly profound and pretentiously b****y that you’ll deign it to be good writing, if only because that’s the kind of writing you have been taught is good. I’ll throw in tons of unnaturally large words so that you’ll be confused as to what it’s even about, and you will be forced to say it’s great rather than admit that you had no clue what on Earth I was talking about. We’ll see. Someday. Hopefully I’m stimulating and eloquent enough that it won’t be a problem in the meantime. And if it is a problem, I have a couple of other blogs I can recommend that might better suit your liking (the very sorts of things that I, personally, will never enjoy).

I learned something while writing that last paragraph… I am apparently hesitant to swear in my blog. I took out two instances of using language that my mother would not approve of, and I used asterisks on a third (I actually considered going back and paraphrasing that last one… replacing b****y with “haughty” or “pompous” perhaps, but I decided to keep my self-imposed suppression to a minimum. Besides, that one seemed necessary). I don’t know what I’m afraid of. I guess that people will read it, realize I know how to use curse words, and condemn me to some netherworld in which people are made to suffer until they can respect language. I try not to swear very much. I only began swearing about a year and a half ago. I always felt the power behind those words when I used them sparingly. Throwing one out in conversation made people shut up and pay attention. Now, I spit them out a little too freely. I usually ask for forgiveness about that. It just seems like the right thing to do. I apologize at work a great deal, as I use the phrase “what the hell?!” quite a bit while talking to my computer about why it is choosing to so rudely disobey me.

(I wish I knew how to type an interrobang on the keyboard. An interrobang is a piece of punctuation that looks like a question mark and an exclamation point rolled into one. It takes the place of “?!?!?!” rather nicely. The alternative seems confused and rather juvenile.)

You know what, I’m done. I would normally allow this to evolve into a blog entry about something (anything) else, but I just don’t feel like I should. I think I’ve said what I needed to say (although, trust me, I have about three directions I could take this entry from here… and it’s a little hard for me to not dive into any of them). And for those of you who are psychoanalyzing me right now (I know there’s at least one of you who is), yes, there’s a reason that this is on my mind. And yes, like always, I’m judging myself, over-thinking things, and wondering if I should just delete this whole blog altogether. But that might just be because I’m listening to “Feathers and Doom” by The Cardigans right now and it makes me want to curl up into a ball and be reborn as something more beautiful than myself.

And yes, if you’re curious, I did just read this aloud and cut a whole slew of things that didn’t quite sound like me; they sounded like me trying to be a writer.

May you never try to be someone you’re not, in writing or in life.

Much love,

~A~

P.S. I hope you paid attention to rule #7 (and if you don't understand why I pointed that out, go back and read my first entry, "An Introduction to My Mind")
P.P.S. I chose the title because of a scene in Twelfth Night. A disguised Viola has written a speech for Olivia on behalf of the Duke Orsino. She begs to be allowed to read it, saying, "I would be loath to cast away my speech, for besides that it is excellently well penned, I have taken great pains to con it." Later, she states, "Alas, I took great pains to study it, and 'tis poetical." I felt that those statements somehow applied to this entry and wanted to find a way to stick them in. And besides that, I find "poetical" to be a very fun word.
P.P.P.S. If I had not already named this blog ~angelaboration~, I think that "Poetical Parentheticals" would suit it rather nicely.

Chicago-less

2009-06-26T20:14:00.002-04:00

Can I just take a second to say how sad I am that I can't be at the 20sb meet-up this weekend? Because I am. Particularly because it's in my old stomping ground of Chicago, Illinois. *sigh*

Instead, this weekend I will be playing a role in a movie.

It's a graduate student film being directed by the other film student I bonded with in February (mentioned briefly here), who happens to be very good friends with my boyfriend.

I auditioned for the role in March, and the director/writer has been sort of tailoring it to my skill-set since then.

So I'm excited. I know this is going to be good for my résumé, and I can start a reel (which is like a video résumé for performing artists)...

But I'm still a little sad.

Think of me once or twice during the festivities, okay?

Thanks.

May you have good reasons to pass on great things.

~A~

Pain from the Brain?

2009-06-21T23:00:00.001-04:00

I had my blood drawn a couple of weeks ago because of all the weird pain I was having coupled with my freakish cycle.
My doctor told me that "no news is good news", and that I'd only be getting a phone call if something was weird.
So it freaked me out when a phone call came.
My mother got a phone call when I was at work, and the doctor said to call back... but by the time I had the chance to call, the office was closed for the day.

My logical side, of course, said that if it was urgent, they would've tried my cell phone... So nothing insane.

A nurse called me the next day on my cell while I was at work.

My cholesterol was fine. I'm not gluten intolerant. Things looked pretty good.

But one level was high, so the nurse said that I had to get my blood drawn again, but I had to be fasting before getting it drawn.
I said, "Um, I fasted last time before it was drawn. For ten hours."
The nurse seemed surprised.
She said I might need an MRI, but that my doctor would be out of town for a couple of days, so she wasn't sure.

Yeah, that's so not what I wanted to hear. If something is wrong with you that requires an MRI, the last thing you want to be told is that you have to wait.

I talked to my father (who, conveniently, is a gynecologist). As it turns out, having this one level high might be a sign that I have some sort of growth in my pituitary gland in my brain.

My doctor is now back in town. She's having me repeat the blood test this week, fasting again. If that level is still high, then we'll go the MRI route.

Weird brain growths and cysts seem to run in my family, so I won't be shocked if that's the case. But don't freak out on my behalf. According to my dad, it's not as bad of a problem as it sounds like.

I'm going to have an ultrasound tomorrow morning, and I'll probably get blood drawn again on Tuesday.

All that said, I haven't had any stomach pain for about a week now... So maybe it was just a weird fluke of a month? Or, as someone suggested in my comments section, maybe it had to do with anxiety after all?

I just hope it gets figured out soon.

May you know what's ailing you.

~A~