Angie's BoBloG

three nights of trying to write...

2012-02-14T01:06:00.000-05:00

It's hard to get a whole post written in one sitting these days.

Here's Saturday's attempt...

Not a whole lot to report. Our days go something like this: Wake up, nurse little baby, get the big baby up, change diapers... make breakfast, eat breakfast, clean up breakfast... nurse baby, play assorted sports and games and maybe sneak in a shower... make lunch, eat lunch, clean up lunch... more diaper changes... read books to big baby and put him down for nap... sneak a little mom and dad chillax time... more nursing and diapers... get big baby up and play fireman sam or trains or an array of other funtivities... cook supper, eat supper (often while nursing baby), clean up supper... then more playing or straight to the tub if supper involved lots of whining or tiredness or mess... bath, toothbrushing, maybe a little quiet play, then books and big baby to bed... more diapers, nursing, newborn snuggling... then mom and dad tv time, or mom computer and dad xbox time... then mom gets too tired and goes to bed where the nursing is occasionally interrupted by a couple of hours of sleep, or more like four. So you see: busy and rewarding, but not particularly exciting.

After a description like that I could see one wondering why anyone ever has kids. But then... take a look at this:

Come on, now.

Here's Sunday's attempt:

Last night when Bob was in the tub I sang "On top of spaghetti" (don't remember why it came up) and when I was done (I finished after "and then my poor meatball went straight out the door" because I don't remember the rest of the words) Bobby just about had a total nervous breakdown over my poor, poor meatball, terribly sad and crying. I tried telling him it was just a silly song but he wasn't having it; finally I was able to distract him from the subject and we moved on. Later, Bobby's in his crib, talking to himself and not going to sleep, and suddenly he remembers the whole meatball thing. We were listening on the monitor: "And Mom lost the meatball! Yes, mom, you did. You lost your poor poor poor meatball. You lost it. You lost it!" And then he proceeds to get hysterical again. It was hard to keep from laughing at him because the source of his anguish was so completely ridiculous. We tried telling him, it's just a song, just pretend, I was just kidding; I changed all the lyrics to the song; I even showed him some meatballs safe and sound in the fridge, which seemed to ease his heart for a bit. I let him stay up and play for a while to get his mind off the meat tragedy (I actually think that to bob it was more of a ball tragedy -- perhaps he has a bit of a ball-loss phobia). We had several more mini-breakdowns until finally when I was rocking him in his room and he still wasn't buying the "it never happened" story I said, "Okay, buddy, here's what really happened if you must know: I lost my meatball; it rolled right on out the door. But I saw it, and I ran after it with my fork, and luckily I can run faster than a meatball, so I caught it, and I stabbed it, and I brought it back home. I saved my lost meatball." And that, apparently, satisfied him.

I'm tempted to post a video, but is it a violation of my son's privacy to share with the world footage of the tears he shed over a fictional lost meatball? I don't know...

Now I'm back and it's already the day after I started, so of course I'm feeling short on words and long on photos.

Days with bobbert are always amusing...

Owen is three weeks old now and he's a total sweetheart of a boob-monger...

Last weekend David and Crystal came with Chloe and Mason and cooked us a huge supper and dessert. We had leftovers for two more meals. It was awesome. Bob very much enjoyed the company.

One of these days we'll have to dress ourselves up for a family photo but at this point the best I have is a shot of us as we usually are...

I think Ben and I both have moments wondering, "What have we gotten ourselves into?" but, truth be told, we are super happy.

Twelve and thirteen days later

2012-02-02T23:25:00.000-05:00

Listening to The Ladder, by Andrew Belle. (Tried to share with you on playlist, but they don't have it.) "Woe is me." I'm feelin that. But actually, I'm feeling a lot better. Bobby tells me at least once a day, "Mom, you-ah pa-jay-jay is huh-tin." Yes, buddy, it is. Thanks for remembering.

But really, I'm feeling better. Thanks to God for giving us these amazing self-healing bodies to live in, and thanks also to Ben for being the sweetest husband ever and trying to do every single thing for me.

It's day twelve of being a mother of two. Owen is winning major points in the favorite son battle because Bob's been a little bit of a stinker since we've been home. (Just kidding, there's no favorite son battle, and even if there was I think Owen would have some catching up to do, because Bobby's been working on me for more than two years now.) Big brother loves baby brother, and he doesn't show any outward signs of jealousy, but the shift in routine has been a little tricky for him -- suddenly he's crying at bedtime and mealtimes (honestly today went a lot better though), which is super frustrating and annoying, but I keep reminding myself: it won't last.

when i put this blanket on the couch bob calls it "soft couch" and can't stop snuggling it

And neither will this perfectly precious newborn period, so I'm really trying to drink it up. Owen is a total sweetheart of a baby. Hardly cries, champion nurser and sleeper. He had his two week appointment today and he already weighs 8 lbs, 2 oz, up from 7 lbs 14 oz at birth.

Right now he's sleeping next to me in his Fisher Price Rock n' Play Sleeper, because clicking and typing are easier this way. This was the one new piece of baby gear we purchased for Owen, other than new washcloths and pacifiers and a couple of swaddling blankets and irresistible outfits. I saw an ad for this cradle in a magazine and thought it looked like exactly what I wished I had when Bob was an infant, and so far it's been perfect for Owen -- nice and cozy so he doesn't startle himself awake, nice and light so we can easily move it from room to room, nice and slim and just the right height for next to the bed, and it rocks which helps a lot with arm-to-cradle transfers.

That was last night, before I got too tired and quit. Tonight I don't feel like writing, so I'll just drop in some photos and call it a day. I think I just need to go and cuddle my newborn.

For the record, Bob was really good again today. I've pretty much re-taken over most of his care for the past couple of days, so maybe that's helping. Tonight I was clipping his toenails while he sat on the bathroom counter playing with a wallet and one of the nails shot up into my eye. I was groaning from the pain and looking in the mirror freaking out trying to get the tiny sharp toenail out of my eye and Bob leaned down and said, "Are you otay, mom?" "Not really," I said. "Poo-ah mom. Pooah, pooah mom." I may have noted a tone of sarcasm but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and be touched.

Some more of what bobby's been up to...

icing his toes after a little injury

playing laundry basket guy

finally had his two year checkup

this pose means one of two things: "i am about to poop in my diaper" or "i just pooped in my diaper."
how about pooping on the potty, dude?

skunky rocker

being helicopter tom in his helicopter tom helmet

(that's from Fireman Sam)

he loves dice

helping out

all dolled up for his first outing since the trip home from the hospital

good to see that owen already realizes his dad is a weirdo

Took our first family walk since my lady parts were ripped open again... fortunately Ben didn't think to take the camera because I was dressed like a super freak in one of my stay home all day outfits plus moby wrap, which always adds a certain crunchy flare.

As soon as I came out Bob just started pelting snowballs at me.

Happy heart, sad vagina

2012-01-26T16:02:00.001-05:00

I might not get too much written tonight. There is an amazingly perfect handsomely adorable newborn on my lap and I cannot stop kissing him long enough to type a full sentence. Newborns are magical miracle healing packs. Hold close at all times for maximum effect. And I need the maximum effect, because my vagina is very sad. But my heart is so so happy.

Our baby Owen has finally arrived. Here's the story.

Friday was a regular day pretty much the same as the four preceding it. Bob practiced his diaper changing in anticipation of baby brother's arrival.

Here's the last photo taken of Bob as an only child. (Man I need to give that boy another haircut.)

I put Bobby to bed, and shortly thereafter started feeling some contractions. We started timing them around 10:00 -- anywhere from 3-10 minutes apart for the next hour or two, not too intense. Before long the contractions were coming every three minutes and I was starting to feel them a bit. I called my mom to come over and Ben and I were on our way to the hospital around 1am. Things progressed quickly from this...

to this...

It all happened way too quickly for any kind of drugs, and let me just say that I pretty much handled it like a champ. I dropped just one f-bomb and let out just a couple of yells and other than that I was calm cool and collected. Or something close to it. Can't you just see the joy on my face when the 7 pound, 14 ouncer popped out at 3:06 am?

When I first saw my boy I made a loving remark about his appearance resembling a homely purple troll... lucky for him he's gotten cuter every minute since he was born. Here he is: Owen Clarke Burgess.

Between the two, let's be honest, labor with an epidural is a lot more fun than labor without one -- but still I'm glad I was forced to go "natural" the second time around. It was a totally different experience. This time I felt much more in tune with what was happening with my body; I really felt where the baby was coming from and what I was doing to push him out. ("Poop that baby out!" the doctor kept yelling.) But when I had the epidural I felt much more in tune with everything else that was happening; I felt more present in the room because I didn't have to focus solely on my pain. Bobby's head I watched emerge; Owen's head I reached down and felt. The best part about the epidural I'd say is that when it's all over you can just be happy holding your new baby, completely unaware of all that's going on down below. This time around I felt it all, and I felt terrible for Owen because I kept wincing at the pain and convulsing with the shivers and maybe using a four letter word or two.

But despite all that, it was perfect. What is more perfect than finally meeting your healthy newborn babe face to face?

Nothing, that's what.

The hospital stay was nice and relaxing -- we had a quiet room at the end of the hall and all the nurses were wonderful. Bob was super excited to wear his new big brother shirt and to give Owen his gift -- a blankie and two suckies. He introduced himself to his baby brother, and then he basically just wanted to terrorize the hospital room -- playing under the bed, trying to use the phone, touching the soiled linen bag...

He liked climbing up onto the bed with Owen and me but had trouble being as calm and gentle as he needed to be.

A "tiny circle" of ice cream is good for ten minutes of peace, as long as you don't mind the chocolate mess.

Owen was a little angel in the hospital. We heard a lot of crying coming from next door but our baby hardly made a peep. Except, that is, when they strapped him down for his circumcision -- he screamed and puked and pooped all over the place and the twenty year old obstetrician who did the dirty deed seemed very concerned, but my question is, doesn't every poor baby boy react that way?

I spent some time alone with Owen while Ben went home to put Bob down for naps and bedtime. Bedtime was the hard one for me. Ben and Bob and Mom and Big Gram were all visiting, and then they all left, and even though I had a little cherub for company, I got pretty lonely pretty quick. Being in that hospital room all alone made me miss my Gram so much. I thought about how she must have felt when we all went home for the night. To make matters worse there was absolutely nothing on tv other than Keeping Up Appearances, which I only watch with Gram. So I watched it, and let myself be sad a little. I was a little weepy also because it was the first night of bob's life that I wasn't there to put him to bed. And even though I knew we could both handle it, and even though I know I have plenty of love to go around, my heart broke a little bit because our special relationship of mother and only son had ended. Things will be different from now on. Different, but still amazingly wonderful. To distract myself from all my sad thoughts I focused on the new beauty in my life and had a little hospital basinette photo shoot.

Less than a day old. What preciousness.

This little pup is the best sleeper so far.

Our attempts at a family photo the next day...

Owen and I got some rest while we waited the requisite four hours after his circumcision and Ben and Bob went home for naptime. Then we watched the end of the Patriots game (lucky timing for Ben since we don't have cable at home) and I ate some lemon dill salmon and we went home with our new little boy.

Bob was waiting with Grandmother when we got home. He gave Owen a warm welcome, running up and covering his face with his blankie and then trying to get me to open up the suckies. After Owen was out of his car seat Bob said, "Tan I hold him?" Music to mom and dad's ears.

Here's the face that sums up how I feel and the inspiration for the title of this post -- happy heart, sad vagina. I popped a suture or two after I got home and let's just say, things haven't been so pleasant since then. At least not in my netherregions.

I've got lots more photos of course, but that should hold you all over for now, right?

We're feeling happy and blessed. All of us except my va-jay-jay that is.

Lately...

2012-01-18T22:11:00.002-05:00

Lately we've had really kinda lame weather, cold but no snow, just grayness. Until a few days ago -- got a nice hammering and Bob got to try out the snowsuit we bought after it snowed once in October. All he wanted was a "didheh" (a "digger") for scooping up snow like dad.

His other favorite is "oof poofin" into the snow.

Also snowball fights. "I'm gonna snowball fight YOU!" he says.

Lately I've been spending more time than usual watching bobby sleep. Because I know I won't have as much time for that once baby brother is born. Because he is so absolutely precious my heart can hardly handle it. Because my little brother is in jail again and i feel this overwhelming need to just pray over my boy -- that God will keep him safe and make big plans for him and prepare him for those plans -- and also to pray for me -- that I will be the best mother to him that I can be, nurturing his little heart to be one that is focused on others and his little mind to be one that is fixed on what is right.

Lately we've been walking the mall for no real good reason, just for the fun and mild exercise of it. Bob sprints through the whole place searching for the rides; luckily he doesn't care about turning them on -- he just climbs in and out of every single one and we don't waste a single quarter. (I forgot that one of the mall security guards once told me he could arrest me for taking photos in the mall... so no one tell on me, please.)

Lately we're very into "family popcorn and yahtzee time." For about a week bob wanted popcorn for every single meal. Thank goodness that wore off.

Lately Bob's been known as "Skunky Rocker" (he saw it on Wonder Pets) and he loves to rock out on his guitar and play Guitar Hero.

Lately we've been out to eat at the Chinese buffet a couple of times. It's our favorite. It's especially the best for Bob. Just $1.99 and he eats tons of food because he loves chinese so much -- especially the vegetables which is a bonus -- plus fruit and ice cream for dessert. Can't be beat. He read his own fortune out loud for the first time, too -- "A happy life is just ahead for you" or something like that.

Lately Bob's very friendly with strangers. A few nights ago at the buffet when we were all done eating we let him "hop away on the little rectangles" for a bit and he had a conversation a couple of tables down that went something like this:
Bob: "Adios!"
Guy: "I see you!" (I don't think the guy understood bob's espanol.) "What's your name?"
"Bobby. What's Mommy's name?"
"I don't know."
"Angie. My mom has a baby in her beh-wey."
"Oh. Did you eat a good supper?"
"Yeah. But he is eatin ice cream." (pointing to the guy's son)
"Yes, he is. Are you looking for someone?"
"My mom's wight oveh vey-ah. Bye!"

Lately we've been trying to encourage potty use. I can't say that it's going particularly well.

Lately we've been monitoring this tree that the beavers are working on. Beavers are nuts.

All of a sudden Bob dropped to the ground -- "I'm gonna catch a beaveh!"

And most of all, lately I've been waiting not so patiently for my body to oust this baby. Man, the last couple of weeks are hard -- everything's pretty much all ready to go, and we're just waiting and prepping and re-prepping Bob, and every day wondering, will this be the day? I was due on Saturday; Bob came a week late; so, maybe I should try not to think about it until the weekend? I'm ready. Let's do this.

Christmastime

2012-01-08T01:07:00.000-05:00

The end of December:

Christmastime is officially over, I suppose -- except that I'm still working on my super long family slideshow dvd. It's hard this time around. Being our last year with Gram, this flick's going to be a tear jerker for certain. I can't even test out songs without getting all choked up.

There was certainly a hole this Christmas. I thought we'd all spend the afternoon at Gram's this one last year like we always do, like I have every Christmas for my entire life. Crowded house filled with all the crazy people that make up the family talking in their loud voices, plus the stragglers who were brought along, and all the kids opening presents and playing with new toys and giving lots of hugs and kisses. Milling around outside by the back door in the freezing cold, drinking beers and smoking cigarettes (not me) and talking and laughing. Eating lots of yummy pie and divvying up the leftovers at the end of the night. Just everyone being together that one day of the year -- even if we don't do anything fancy, and even if, this year, our Gram was there only in spirit. But in the end it didn't happen -- no one wanted to cook or something. Or else Gram really was the only thing holding us all together, as I've always feared. It hurts my heart to think about.

But a lot of this is just sinking in now, in these post-Christmas, pre-New Year's days of reflection. On Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day itself, I was very much wrapped up in my own little family's joy.

Christmas Eve we spent getting some last minute items together, like food for the fridge. We went to the service at church that evening, came home and had supper and got Bobby ready for bed. And then proceeded to let him stay up way too late because my cousins Nate and Erica and my little brother James came over. After Bob went to bed, close to 11:00, all us "grownups" played Yahtzee and dominoes and ate lots of snacks. And then somewhere around 3:00am Ben had finished building Bobby's train table and we all helped assemble the track and buildings. And then somewhere around 4:00 everyone left, and finally around 5:00 I went to sleep, and Ben was still up a little longer wrapping my presents.

... A couple of weeks later, when I finally return:

I haven't made time to write lately... mainly because:
1) I'm wicked pregnant and pregnant ladies need their rest and so I usually spend the majority of bob's naptime napping myself, and that's normally one of my prime blog-times;
2) Ben and I are a little addicted lately to watching Cheers reruns and playing Yahtzee after bob goes to bed, and that's another of my prime blog times;
3) Due to number 1 above I can't really stay up late and smile in the morning, and "late" is probably my very most prime blog time.
See, I'm already too tired for this and barely making sense.
But I'm making a point to carve out a few minutes to sit here and type, because let's face it, I could go into labor at any moment. It could happen tonight. You never know.

I've felt this way for the past few days -- just very aware that it could be any day now that I become a mother of two. I've let myself be very present with bobby -- staying away from the computer and reading even more books than usual before bedtime and letting him stay up late and getting in the tub with him and cherishing every word he says. Because even though my second son is taking a lot of my energy at this point, he doesn't take all that much of my attention, and soon that'll change. I guess I'm a little sentimental about this period of life where my first is my only baby. Not that I'm not excited -- oh man I don't know if I can get any more excited!

Bobby's pretty darn excited, too -- and I think he totally gets it. He's going to be a great brother, I know. He's such a little tender heart.

...

I did want to finish writing about Christmas...

Luckily Bob slept in late on Christmas morning -- til 9:45 I think. We went in to get him from his crib and brought him out and he was thrilled to see the train town all set up in front of the tree. He got right into it and wasn't all that interested in opening any packages. The first thing he opened was socks, so after that it was tough to get him to open anything, but after he got a couple of things he liked he started to catch on to the idea of presents.

I didn't take any photos because I had the videocam out instead. Here's one from late Christmas night:

For days Bob could hardly sleep because he was so excited about the train table. He'd wake up early in the morning and when I'd walk into his room he'd be standing at the crib rail; "May I can go see that big pwesent? Yes, I can!" Then he'd sprint across the house and jump right in where he left off.

So, Christmas was cute.

And the next few weeks are fixin to get even cuter I'm pretty sure. Want a shot of my ginormous belly? Here you have it...

Ok... up way too late. G'nite.

"Just pretending"

2011-12-24T00:06:00.000-05:00

"You're just pretending," Bob says when something starts to scare him a little.

It's cute that he understands the nature of pretend now, and it's super fun that he actually does a lot of pretending himself. I'm still sometimes surprised that my baby is a kid. (Tonight he insisted that he was a "big kid;" I said, "Do you poop in a diaper?" "Yes." "Then you're not a big kid. You're a little boy." Maybe that'll sink in sometime.)

Today I was working on my 2011 slideshow dvd for the family's christmas presents and Bob was amusing himself with his Little People. I had to take a break to spy on his pretend time banter...

A couple of my favorite lines, just in case you missed them:
"How was your day, guys?"
"Are you okay up there? I am Bobby."
"And don't walk up there. It's dang-- peligroso. Peligroso."

Wolf pup

2011-12-20T18:53:00.000-05:00

I wish we'd get some snow before Christmas! What is going on with this climate?

It has been pretty darn cold, though.

Yesterday Bob and I played outside for a while. He chose his outerwear and "accessories" himself, minus the mittens which I forced him to wear, but he didn't mind.

Coat: Old Navy Sherpa Lined Canvas Jacket for Baby. (Bob wears it in 18-24 month.) I love this coat. It's warm and nice and long so that it doesn't ride up over buddy boy's pants. The lining so soft; Bob normally hates hoods but he loves his "sheep hood" as we call it because it's so snuggly.

Jeans: Old Navy Performance Fleece-Lined Jeans for Baby. (Bob wears 18-24 month, dark wash.) Love these, too. I think every kid deserves a pair.

Work boots: Wal-Mart, last fall. The toes scuffed up immediately, but they cost under $10 as I recall and other than the toe scuffs they're still in great condition a year later.

Wolf pup hat: Rite-Aid. Bob saw it and had to have it and since he looked so friggin cute Ben and I couldn't say no.

Sunglasses: Don't remember. Some cheesy store like Special Thoughts I think. Bought them way back when Bob was a newborn and they're still too big. He really wanted to wear them, but they didn't stay on for long.

Mittens: Koala Kids. They stayed on through the entire play session, so I give them one oversized mitten thumb up.

Our no-snow winter adventure consisted mainly of playing ice fishermen in this frozen puddle for almost an hour.

On our way in for hot cocoa Bubbs stopped and dropped to the ground...

Bob: "The wolf pup is laying on this pile of leaves."

Me: "Is that comfy, wolf pup?"

Bob: "No, it's not."

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Hot cocoa is messy business.

In case you feel like hanging out with Bob for four minutes while he drinks his cocoa...

Gram's funeral

2011-12-13T23:13:00.001-05:00

It's hard to get started on this. I can't find the opening sentence that captures my feeling right now. The house is quiet; Bob is still sleeping at 10:20 am (he awoke suddenly crying this morning at 5:45 -- maybe a nightmare -- and wanted to come snuggle in my bed; he lay there quietly nuzzling into me, touching my hair and my cheek, not letting even a sliver of space come between our bodies, for twenty minutes, and then he sat up suddenly and said, "oh, shushie wushie," abandoned his blankie and sucker, and climbed down off the bed. his good mood ended abruptly, however, when he thought ben's jacket zipper was change jingling in the pocket and decided he needed more money for his piggy bank -- newly inherited from gram -- but dad wouldn't give it to him. so i settled him back into his crib, and ben left for work, and i went back to sleep. i woke with a start at 8:30 after a very disturbing vision of my boy being catapulted through the sky, and my legs just not working fast enough to get me there in time to catch him. just a dream, i told myself; but my heart pounded and ached just the same. two hours later; i now hear him waking up. must go hug his tiny body.

went into his room and the first thing he said was, "but i want to go on a treasure hunt. i really want to do that right now!" i grabbed him up but had to swoop him back down to grab his piggy, who was also to go on the hunt...

i think earlier that stream of consciousness was going somewhere... but now it's hours later; liza's gone and ben's home but outside at the moment and bob's naptime is coming to an end; and maybe i should just get to the point because if i don't now, will i ever? ...

and now it's hours later yet again -- 10 pm -- the boys are asleep and i am sitting here by the christmas tree in front of my imac with a mulled cider candle to my left. too much? yes. but i just can't stop and get to the point because... whatever, just do it.

Bob had a grand time at the funeral home for the viewing hour before the graveside service. which was a little surprising because the past couple wakes we've been to he cried pretty much from the moment we walked in the door.

I gave Gram's eulogy at her graveside last Thursday.

the pallbearers

while everyone was assembling bob came this " close to falling into the grave. but he recovered and found himself the perfect front row seat.

Over the years I've written down some of the things Gram has said to me. I shared three.

You're only young for a few minutes. Most of your life is old, it seems.

I tried to tell the youngsters -- and everyone who still feels the least bit young -- to cherish their youth; to take it from Gram, who lived 90 years and knew how short that time really is.

Then I told about a moose that was wandering around Richmond some years ago; he had his picture in the paper several days in a row; he seemed to be lost or something. Gram was very concerned about the moose; she cut out the articles and showed them to everyone. About the third day or so she said to me, and I never forgot,

It must be awful lonesome being the only moose around.

Gram felt for people, and for moose i suppose, who had lost their way. She knew how lonely they were. She was a fountain of sympathy and empathy for everyone. In her final years, she was very much like the moose, the only one of her peers left, lonesome and lost in a world of younger generations. But she always thought of others first.

The third quote I shared was from a day I had taken Gram to the cemeteries to plant flowers. On the drive home we were quiet, but finally Gram broke the silence with one of the most open and honest things she ever said to me:

They say time heals all, but they are wrong. It gets harder every day.

She was speaking mainly of losing Pop I think, but also I'm sure of all the others she's had to say goodbye to. In a way, that truth from Gram is hard to swallow; we want to believe that after some period of time we will "get over" our loss. But the other side of it is this: we can be happy for Gram, because finally, after seventeen years of living without him, Gram has been reunited with her life's companion and come face to face with Jesus. She will never be lonely again.

Finally I shared the following, because in hard times it's been of great inspiration to me.

You must not be frightened when a sadness arises within you of such magnitude as you have never experienced, or when a restlessness overshadows all you do, like light and the shadow of clouds gliding over your hand. You must believe that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand. It shall not let you fall.

Why should you want to exclude any anxiety, any grief, any melancholy from your life, since you do not know what it is that these conditions are accomplishing in you?

Rainer Maria Rilke, in Letters to a Young Poet

Somewhere near the end there Bob struggled free from Ben's arms and came over to me saying in his teeny voice, "Are you otay, Mom? Are you otay?" He must have asked me that twenty times or more in the days leading up to the funeral; he inherited Gram's empathy I think. Several people commented to me afterwards how touching and beautiful it was; he is a touchingly beautiful boy, I must admit.

The following quote by Stephen Grellet (a Quaker missionary) that Gram's had hanging on her living room wall forever served as the benediction and I'll let it do the same here:

I shall pass through this world but once. If, therefore, there be any kindness I can show or any good I can do, let me do it now. Let me not defer it nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.

Goodbye, Gram

2011-12-07T01:07:00.000-05:00

My Grammie is gone.

The feeling is strange.

One minute I'm okay, distracted by funeral to-do's and everything else in life, and then it hits me again -- she's not coming back. Not at all. Not in the least. From now on, she is a memory, not someone whose soft cheek I can kiss goodbye.

Never again will I hear her, "Well, by gully," or her singular answering machine message, "Okay, call me," or, "You'd better have something to eat," or, "Lilly!" or, "Well isn't he something?" (speaking of my boy).

Bobby most likely won't remember his "Dwam."

I take a little solace in the few photos I have evidencing their special relationship.

And I know that we will always have pieces of Gram in my grandmother and my mother...

and in me, too.

Our Gram -- our matriarch and everyone's favorite family member -- is a part of who we are. She's in our genes, she's in our history, she's in our memories and in our hearts.

It's hard to imagine life without her, but then again we don't have to imagine. It's hard because I never wanted this day to come, but I'm doing my best to be happy that Gram has finally been released from her weakening body and reunited with her love.

And now I really need to get some sleep.

Counting butterflies

2011-11-16T11:47:00.000-05:00

Bob can read the numbers, so he knows how many there are, but he gets to the answer in a bit of a roundabout way.

Jammies and crazy bed hair -- that's how we roll, usually til about noon.

Bob on a log

2011-11-15T15:42:00.000-05:00

The woods are so lovely and fun in the fall, eh? (that's my french canadian side coming out.) Crunching leaves, beautiful light, awesome outerwear like work boots and denim jackets.

Bob is of the age now where a walk in the woods pretty much can't be beaten. Swinging sticks, throwing rocks, jumping over "rivers," climbing on fallen trees -- I have to carry him away kicking and screaming when it's time to go back.

This is one of my favorite autumnish photos of my boy that I haven't posted yet... linking up with i heart faces for this week's contest, "autumn splendor," just because I haven't in a while.

"Sensory boxes"

2011-11-14T15:01:00.000-05:00

At the risk of sounding like a total nerd, I've used the term sensory box just because I don't have anything better. I got the "sensory box" idea here doing some blog-hopping one day.

The first we one we made is sort of a construction zone -- we call it the rock box. It's just a shallow plastic tote with black and natural aquarium gravel plus a collection of "special" stones from various beaches and whatnot, plus a bunch of trucks and machines and guys and a couple ladies too.

Bubbs is past the put-everything-in-mouth phase, which obviously you need to be to play with aquarium gravel, so my biggest worry was that he'd just chuck the rocks all over the place. But he's been good. Before I take the lid off I always say, "What's the rule?" and Bob says, "Rocks stay in vuh box." And if he gets too crazy and careless or occasionally just straight up dumps the rocks on the floor, I just help him clean it up and put it away. And he can try again the next day. We've had this for a couple of months now, and he still plays with it almost every single day. A bit hit.

My niece Bailey loves it too (she's almost three). She just kept freaking out saying, "It's messy in here!" And she'd pour the rocks on her hands and smile a sneaky smile. Messy is fun.

For Bobbert's birthday we made another box -- he refers to it either as his rainbow or his rice. It's both.

I got the rice-dying instructions here except I used way more rice so I also needed lots more food coloring and Purelle.

For now the implements in the box are random extra things from my kitchen plus a couple of dollar store items. We need bigger funnels because these don't let the rice fall through smoothly.

The rainbow rice is super fun, but so far it is a thousand times messier than the rock box. Bob can't help it; he just gets crazy with the scooping and pouring practice. He fills the a funnel and the rice hesitates just long enough for him to move the funnel so that it's no longer safely over the box before it pours out onto his lap or the floor. I made the mistake of letting him try this out on carpet the first time, and I don't think I'll ever get all those grains out. Whatevs -- we'll just call it the new rainbow look in the play room.

Now we play this in the kitchen instead, which is at least easier cleanup.

And it seems like he's learning, so I won't retire the rice box just yet.

Fall so far... aka Every day is a photo shoot

2011-11-11T16:55:00.000-05:00

Here comes a super long, super random post. I've got tons of photos from this fall that I haven't used at all, so here's me doing something with them.

I've been watching my cousin Tab's baby Eternity Jewel Lizella Beth (we call her "Liza") three days a week, to help her out and to earn a little dough. Liza's a little doll. And Bobby's pretty darn cute helping take care of her. Makes me even more excited for baby brother to arrive.

One day while Bobby was playing outside I brought Liza out to snap a few pics since it was such a beautiful day (yeah this was over a month ago -- now we've got snow). Open shade (meaning places that are shaded but not covered overhead, or right at the edge of covered shaded areas) is perfect for outdoor portraits in the middle of the day when you don't have the lovely slanty sun rays. Here Liza is lying under the maple tree in our yard. You have to be careful under trees not to get splotches of sun and shade, but if you find a good spot it can be perfect. Move yourself around to get a couple of different angles -- get high, get low, put the bright light in front of your subject and put it behind -- you never know which will provide the best outcome until you try (or at least, you won't at first, but you'll learn to anticipate what will make the best shots).

Somehow blankie and suckie got snuck outside one day, so before I brought them in I took the opportunity to get a nice photo of some snuggle time. As much as we wish Bobby didn't need/want these guys so often, I know one day we'll miss this little blankie-toting boy.

Shooting in the woods is a little tricky because there is relatively little light. Success is achieved with a combination of waiting for the right moment to press the shutter and taking lots of shots and getting lucky with a few.

Bobby loves to hop and jump off everything nowadays.

There are a few vines of concord grapes growing in Gram's yard. When they were finally ripe, Bobby loved searching for the black ones and eating them, skins and seeds and all.

In this rainy fall, Bob has spent quite a lot of time on the front porch at Gram's, playing out his fantasy as a football-playing trike cop.

Bubbs had a fever a month or so ago. But that meant he got to take medicine sitting on the counter, so it was pretty much a winning situation for him. He just saw me looking at this and I told him, this is when you were sick, and he said, "I need get sick with my blankie and suckie again!"

Adding a little fancy artistic angle to a photo like this can make it a little more interesting and help you include more of your subject in the frame and less of the boring stuff like kitchen cabinets.

One warmish weekend we finally got around to taking Bobby to play mini golf. Wish we had done it sooner because it was a huge hit. We've had endless requests for another round, but unfortunately for Bobby the place is closed for the season. And unfortunately for us it's right on the way to Gram's, so we pass it all the time, and oh yes, he remembers. Pepere came over one day and informed Bobby that there's indoor mini golf at the Cove in G.B., so ever since Bob's been saying, "One mini golf door is still open! I can play mini golf!" We'll have to go down there sometime soon.

Yes, we let him climb on a couple of the obstacles. Whatever, he weighs 22 pounds.

Sometimes it works better to just throw the ball through...

A new hobby Bobby acquired this fall is skateboarding. This mini thing belongs to one of the neighbor boys and Bob is obsessed with it. The kids told me they got it at Five Below so I got one for him for his birthday (don't tell) so that he can break his neck inside on the carpet instead of outside in the street. We also got him a helmet -- to reduce the chances of the cracked-open head scenario and because Bob thinks helmets are the coolest.

Here's his "I'm such a tough cool strong skateboarder carrying my awesome friend Travis's awesome heavy skateboard across this dangerous street after I just finished doing some stunts over there" look...

This is a sky that Bobby pointed out to me saying, "It's boo-ful sky right now, Mommy!"

Bailey's over-excitement about this hug made Bobby extremely under-excited for it to continue.
Also, this is where Bob was watching me work on this for a minute, and offered his own captions for the photos.

bailey is not squeezin me too hard anymore

The boy loves climbing trees.

Also, trees make lovely photo ops.

Since we have Liza at our house so much we've brought out some of the old infant items, like the bumbo and the bouncy seat -- the froggy chair as Bob calls it. He loves this stuff so much more now than he did as a baby. He bounces on the froggy chair like a maniac and he snuggles in there with his blankie. On the front it says "Calming Vibrations"; tonight we finally put a battery in and Bob turned it on and sat on it and said, "Is it calming, Mommy?" which means he wants me to say, "Is it calming?" to which he replied, "Zes." Oh, brother.

bobby sittin in vuh bumbo chay-ah

This thing's been at Gram's forever; it's supposed to be a remote control toy I think, but the remote's long gone. Bob rides it all the time.

widin my tiny motah-cytle

Bobby loves puffers. Well, I'm sure that's not really the name for them, but I don't know what is. He had tons of fun searching for them around the yard and then puffing them into the sky and all over his face.

pwayin outside at dwam's

Along with the funny moments like "I'm tuttin my hay-ah"...

I love to capture Bobby in those moments that happen all the time, that right now are so everyday but not long from now will be long gone, like my tiny standing at the door asking, "Mommy, pwease tome pway outside wif me!"

These two at the door shots are perfect examples of why you need to switch to manual mode on your DSLR if you haven't already done so. In auto modes, the camera will always underexpose backlit shots, making the potentially best images way too dark. In manual, you control how much light is getting in.

spwashing in vuh puddles

Bob recently got over his fear of this car; it used to scare the crap out of him.

pwayin his twut

We all love to go out to eat, and Bob is usually really fun to take. Here he is at breakfast at the Misty Moonlight Diner...

havin sip of miwt

We have our electronic keyboard set up practically on the ground so that Bobby can play it. Or, play with it anyway.

Every single one of Bob's sleeping poses is the most precious thing I've ever seen. Every now and then I have to get my camera and turn on a light and take some pictures. It's better to use a lamp in the room than to use the flash, even in a super dark situation like this, because a flash will make a sleeping in the dark shot look completely unnatural. Just up the ISO, open up the aperture, slow down the shutter speed and lean on the crib rail to keep yourself steady.

We take Liza for walks occasionally.

The owner of this shop heard Bob admiring his motorcycle from inside and let him sit on it. Huge thrill, trust me. And no, I would not normally dress my son in socks and sandals but he insisted on wearing them both.

I don't get myself into as many photos as I'd like (except on those far too frequent days when I don't even look in the mirror and I haven't showered and I'm wearing a sweatsuit in some form, on which days I am glad the camera is firmly clasped in my fingers). Reflections make for some cool opportunities. Because I do want everyone to remember that I was there, too.

And once in a while I do take a photo of something other than my son.

Sometimes (or maybe just this once) Ben gets home early from work and helps with Liza. So darn cute.

My two loverboys... Can't wait til I have three to snuggle!

This car belongs to a little boy who lives in our building but I have never once seen him ride it. We keep it on our side of the house and let it be Bob's pretty much.

Some sun flare is cool every now and then...

"My suckies can drive this Jeep!" At least someone in the family still has a Jeep.

He rubs his ears with his blankie. Could he possibly be any sweeter?

Liza's a cutie-patootie too. This shot's taken with just window light -- some of the best portrait light there is.

One day when we were stranded with no car and no food in the house I pushed Bob in his stroller all the way to Donut Man. I say "all the way" but in reality it's just a little over a mile and a half. About halfway there I seriously wondered whether I'd be able to make it all the way back. I did make it, by the way. After powering up with a bagel sandwich.

Bubbs loves donuts. So much. He never forgot his first taste and since then he can spot a donut shop or a bag of donuts from a hundred yards. For a while after that first Saturday that Ben went out and came back with donuts and Bob got to have one, he'd say, "Where's Daddy?" and I'd say, "At work," and he'd say, "Eatin donuts?" Like that was Ben's job. Hah.

Bobbert likes everything to be clean. Here he's very serious about cleaning out the wagon and apparently disgusted with the state in which he found it. He usually asks me to clean it for him, but on this occasion he took the initiative himself. Atta-boy.

Bobby lives for every sport. He doesn't really care what it is; if a ball is involved he's in.

An unsolicited hug for Grammie; how sweet. This is the sort of shot you can only get if you are a freak like me and your camera is almost always within arm's reach.

Playing flashlight outside in the dark is super fun to an almost two year old.

One day we found this "lots to love" baby doll up in the attic and bobby wanted to play with her. I asked what her name was and he said "Abby." He tried hard to change her diaper.

(I love how in the bottom left he's looking to Liza for some advice.)

We play play-doh pretty regularly. Bob asks me to make a dog, then a ball for the dog, then a cat, then a toy for the cat. And then he plays with them until they no longer resemble their intended shapes whatsoever.

Here's, "okay, mom, stop taking pictures and come play this with me."

There's an old mill right near our house that provides for some good photo ops...

Pushing Liza...

Spots like this are great for taking pics of toddler people like Bob because he loves to climb on stuff, and then once he's up he thinks he's super cool.

So, there's fall part one; before the winterfall came. With little photo comments and tips interjected.

Hope your weekend's swell!

Bobby is TWO

2011-11-08T23:28:00.000-05:00

My sweet little Bobby-pup is two years old. Can't even believe it, yet I totally can. Seems like he's still so brand new, yet at the same time he's been in our lives forever. Seems like he's so tiny and defenseless, yet he's a lot tougher now than when he started out.

On Sunday we had a little party for Bob. He was very excited about the balloons, the cupcakes, and the prospect of guests. Of course, when said guests actually arrived he was shy and cried, but soon enough he warmed up.

It was a gorgeous day; we painted some tiny pumpkins outside.

Bobby was really into it while it was just him and Simone.

He had to dip almost every brush in almost every paint and swipe some on almost every pumpkin.

He did a good deal of work on the tablecloth, too.

When the other kids showed up Bob was ready to peace out and be a little wallflower wandering around the edges of the yard with Daddy.

James was the last one painting after everyone else had gone inside.

Bobby's favorite part of the party was everyone singing "Happy Birthday" to him while he sat up on the kitchen counter. Ohmygoodness it was so precious to see him feeling so special.

Blowing out the candles was also very exciting; took him about 15 tries but eventually he extinguished all the flames on his own.

As I recall this was his third cupcake of the day...

didn't get a good shot of bob's shirt which i love: "you'll understand when you're younger"

When I sat Bob in his little rocking chair to open presents he gave me his shy cutie smile and said, "I wanted to sing Happy Birthday again." So we all sang it again.

Simone is such a sweetie-heart with Bob. She was his other favorite thing about the party. For the rest of the night after everyone left he sang to himself, alternating between, "Happy birthday to zou," and "Si-mone, Si-mone, Si-mone."

He said goodbye to everyone as they parted: "Fanks for tomin' to my pah-tee!"

That night at prayer time Bobby said, "Fank zou for cupcakes! Fank zou for tandles!"

His comments about his party the following morning: "I did say goodbye to all my fwiends." and "Bailey did hit me with my baseball bat." Yes, she did. But it was an accident.

And unfortunately the cupcake obsession carried over. As soon as I finished cleaning Bob up after breakfast he said, "Sure, we can have a cupcake!" "You want a cupcake right now?" "Zah! Mmmmmm.... Ahahahahaha! (maniacal laugh)"

On Bob's actual birthday I tried sneaking into his room after I drove Ben to work in the morning to put all of his balloons in there as a surprise, but unfortunately I woke him up and it was way too early but he still wanted to get up and play... so he did. He had a hankering for some shuffleboard I guess.

Bob's special present from me arrived just in time -- on his birthday. It's his birth story, all done up with photos as a real book.

We also made and played in his new rainbow rice box. "Oh, I can sit on my skateboard and play this!"

And of course we had to work on some skills...

(Bob is obsessed with riding a tiny skateboard that belongs to one of the neighbor boys, so Ben and I got him his own -- along with a helmet -- for his birthday.)

He wanted to try skateboarding into the leaf pile; he had fun although I wouldn't say it worked out exactly.

Bob loves this old bajunker swingset in the back yard so I let him play on it even though pretty much the entire thing is one big safety hazard. He went through a short phase where he was a little afraid of going down the slide by himself, but apparently that's over and now he's all hands-up about it.

Bob the two year old is very fun. He loves to play. Sometimes like a little cutie pie, pretending with his Little People or having a picnic. Sometimes like a lunatic, running and jumping and throwing and yelling. And sometimes in the midst of all that he'll shout, "Twazy duy!" (that's "crazy guy" in case you couldn't tell) and carry on.

When he got home from work Ben did a little photo shoot for me...

Then Bobby got to open the rest of his presents from us and from out-of-town relatives.

I let Bob choose his birthday supper; he decided on pancakes and eggs.

I came in with my camera while Bobby was taking his bath and when he saw me he said "Smile!" and did this goofy pose. "I'm be-in a doof-ball doing vis!"

Grandmother and Tom stopped by with more presents... Bobbert is very happy to be the proud new owner of a "bike."

We let him stay up late for family movie night -- the Winnie the Pooh movie, purchased with our Best Buy reward certificates at Bob's request.

He didn't last through the whole movie. What happens is, he gets all snuggly and chillaxed with his blankie and suckie -- until all of a sudden he realizes that he's about to lose it and fall asleep, so he chucks them down and runs across the room and starts yanking out all his sporting equipment. And I'm not about to let that start up at this hour, so "time for beddie bye" it is. I always read him books in the rocking chair in his room before bed; I'm usually a sucker and go for "one more book" at least five or six times. Especially on his birthday, because, well duh it's his birthday. Then I turn off the light and carry him over to his crib and turn on his projector/music and pray with him and sing "You are my sunshine" and finally lay him down and cover him up (only recently has he warmed up to the idea of covers) and say, "goodnight, my prince. i love you," or something equally cute, and sneak out quietly and close the door behind me.

And this night, because it was his birthday, duh again, at eleven pm I snuck back into his room to take pictures of him sleeping exactly two years after he squeezed his way into our world.

And then I picked him up and carried him back to the rocking chair and sat holding him asleep for a while, praying and reflecting and just cherishing the moment, because his tiny body doesn't actually feel so tiny in my arms anymore, and it will only get less tiny from here on out.

I wish I could capture the feeling -- the range and rush of emotion of motherhood. "Each moment seems split in two," or three -- joy for the present, excitement for what is to come, melancholy for what is left behind.

When older ladies we meet out and about ooh and ahh over Bob and tell me, "Enjoy him while he's little," I reply, "I know; I'm trying my hardest every single day." Not because it's hard to enjoy him, but because it's impossible to enjoy him enough now that I won't be sad later when he grows up on me.

I am so incredibly thankful for this gift of life I've been given to watch over.

I love you, two year old Robert!

Bob's first real haircut

2011-11-07T22:27:00.001-05:00

Never did mention that Bob got his first real haircut a while back... on September 28 to be exact. Before that I cut it a few times myself, but I never could really get him to be still enough to get a decent result. I figured the professional plus the fancy vehicle seat would help.

He chose the pink Barbie Jeep over the red Radio Flyer airplane.

Actually he chose neither once he realized what was going to happen, but with the promise of a lollipop if he was a brave boy and the handing over of the real Jeep keys, he was convinced to give it a go.

He was really good -- didn't cry at all. Sat reasonably still.

Charmed the hairdresser.

And in the end he got his reward.

And loved it.

Next time I think I'll just save myself $16 and buy a bag of lollipops to use as bribes instead.

Painting with watercolors

2011-11-04T16:05:00.001-04:00

Every time we've done this it's gotten messier and messier.

Until last time it really got out of hand...

No worries... it washes right off.

Reading before age two

2011-11-03T20:06:00.000-04:00

Bob's reading is amazing now. Sometime during the past six months he made the leap from just recognizing words he's seen before to being able to sound things out.

In California he surprised us all by reading "Appetizers" off a menu; my mom was shocked when she brought over a toy and Bob read "Gargamel's Castle" off the box; the doctors and nurses at the hospital (Gram fell) gather around in awe as Bobby reads all their names off their name tags and pretty much every word in sight.

You'd think he spends hours every day in training but honestly he doesn't; I purposely got out the video camera and did some quizzing this one day because everyone keeps saying we need to get him on tape.

So here's my attempt to show some of Bob's skills, although it's much more impressive when it's spontaneous...

These flash cards I've only taken out of the box a few times... lots of them are so easy they're a little boring.

The magnetic letters are good for doing rhyming words and stuff. Bob loves rhymes.

That last one -- Norman Rockwell -- was a perfect example of how he reads something he's never seen before. He's pretty much got it down.

The part he hasn't figured out is how to look at a page full of words and read them all in order. He can read phrases of two, three, sometimes four words, but more than that and he doesn't usually put them in the right order unless you point to them one by one.

So there you have it. My baby can read. Not sure what this is going to mean when it's time for kindergarten...

Another sad goodbye

2011-10-30T22:12:00.000-04:00

Yesterday we traded in the Jeep for a more family-friendly vehicle. [insert uncontrollable sobbing]

Normally the scariest thing about buying a new car is spending the money... but this transaction made me sick to my stomach over giving up my very first Jeep, aka my lifelong dream fulfilled.

We went to the dealership planning to just take a look around, at this one vehicle in particular, and ended up leaving with it. And leaving Jeep alone in a car lot just before the big snow storm. Oh, my heart. I was not at all emotionally prepared.

In a way it's exciting having a fancy schmancy new car, with power locks and windows and heated leather seats and a sunroof and a rear seat entertainment center and parking assist and a hundred other features I will probably never understand... but in another way it's just so so sad. Feels like I'm giving up a part of myself. I'm a total mom now instead of a totally cool mom.

When I took Bobby out of the driver's seat for the last time he cried and said, "I can't even steer this Jeep anymore. I can't even ride in it anymore!" Luckily Ben was able to hold it together and keep us positive.

A little photo shoot was a necessity, of course...

Not the greatest view of our new ride since it's just the back...

I asked the car salesman to take a couple of the whole fam, but he wasn't the greatest photographer...

Also, when I see photos of myself I sometimes wonder, "Am I a total freak?" Seriously, do I even know how to dress myself? Green Airwalk crocs, pink striped sweater under long brown sweater under black vest, hair in a messy bun off to the side. Do I pull it off or do people see me and think, "yikes maybe one kid is enough, lady." I really don't know. Nor do I usually care.

Anyway, Jeep is gone from the family, but not from our hearts. I think I'll have to stop by and visit occasionally until she's sold.

Goodbye, Tiny Edward

2011-10-22T18:25:00.000-04:00

Tiny Edward is gone. He died earlier this week. I've been too sad to write about it. I'm pretty sure he was murdered. By Panther of course.

I got Tiny Edward at Camp Marion White in the summer of 2004 -- some campers found him and I took him home. His shell was the size of a nickel; he was the cutest thing ever. I didn't even have a digital camera back then, so I don't have any pictures of his earliest days, at least not on my computer.

T.E. was the sweetest friendliest turtle; he loved to be held and loved when I patted his tiny head. He'd stick his neck way out and look up at me with his snappy little face... oh I miss the little guy.

I'm sure some of my Gordon pals will feel the loss, too... T.E. was really a friend for all he met, especially since he was pretty much the only pet allowed on campus.

After Bobby was born Tiny Edward didn't get as many photo ops.

But we all still loved him.

Goodbye, Tiny Edward. You were the best turtle and you won't be forgotten.

San Diego Zoo

2011-10-18T23:51:00.001-04:00

Last month while in Cali we took Bob to the San Diego Zoo. Just because we love him and we want to show him the world when we can. Bobby doesn't give two craps about Disney, although he is familiar with Mickey Mouse because of some vintage toys around Gram's and my mom's -- and plus Disneyland whacks you about $110 a head to get in -- so the Zoo was our natural choice of excursion.

I did a lot more videotaping and less phototaking than usual, but will I hook up the videocam anytime soon? Doubt it.

Koalas are so cute. So tired and so cute. They sleep in the -- sorry, there's no better word for it -- cutest poses.

Bobby was pretty darn cute exploring. He likes to walk everywhere.

The statue animals were actually more exciting than the real things because Bub could just get right up close and personal with them.

He had some moments.

This one's real, but she's behind glass...

This is the only photo in which I appear, so I'm including it even though it's basically a picture of a lady lion's privates. Also the reflection makes my legs look super skinny and it sort-of seems to imply that I am the spirit of a lioness, so I think this is my new favorite photo of myself.

When we asked him what he wanted to see at the zoo, Bobby said, "a baby ewephant." And what do you know? He got to hug one.

When I was just a year and a half old or so, I went with my family to a place called the Petrified Creatures Museum out near Cooperstown. I haven't been back since, so my only adult perspective on the place is second-hand from my mom, but I never did forget it. Throughout childhood I remembered it as a dream, standing at the feet of dinosaurs -- it wasn't until I was a little older that I realized it was a memory of something that actually happened.

Point is, Bob is of the age now that there's a chance he could remember these experiences forever -- even if it's just a short glimpse of the sun's bright rays as they break from behind the trunk of the mammoth towering above him -- and that is pretty cool.

It inspires me to try and fill my boy's life with those, "that couldn't have been real" moments of childhood that will one day feel like just a dream.

I believe it was somewhere near the zebras that Bobby finally gave in to his need for a nap and started relaxing in the stroller.

He didn't even bother to shift his gaze toward the flamingos...

And very soon he was passed out. Snuggling his blankie in the 90 degree heat.

Ben and I continued to walk the monkey trail and the tiger trail (we never did see a tiger), and by then we were pretty much all zoo-ed out ourselves.

Before we left we browsed the multitude of plush animals available in the gift shop. Bob was sleeping soundly so we had the difficult task of choosing for him. We went with the koala because that was the very first animal we saw and Bubbs was so cute saying, "Hi, toe-ah-wa!" and also the leopard (which is actually a snow leopard) because he had a very cute encounter with one (which was captured on tape but which you will probably never see). When he finally awoke from his nap hours later in the car, his two new buddies made him super happy.

And so did the ice cream we stopped for on the way back up north.

Really fun family day.

Really fun reliving it through the photos.

Time for bed. Or, "Time for beddie-bye," as Bob would say.

October weekends

2011-10-14T09:18:00.000-04:00

Last weekend we went out to the North Shore for our friend Joe's wedding and I took almost zero photos. Lame. But here's a quick synopsis:

1. The Zobas are awesome for putting us up and letting Bobby play with all their stuff.
2. Cass and Kara are the best friends ever for taking amazing care of Bob all day and staying with him until 1:30 in the morning after I finally got him to go to sleep.
3. Bob used a Spanish word for the first time without prompting: zapatos.
4. Apparently Bob loves dressing up in high heels and trying to walk around. "I'm so pwetty wight now."
5. Seeing cool faces we haven't seen in a while is amazing. (Hence I kick myself for not being the paparazzi and coming home with face souvenirs.)

This weekend we went camping out at Pop-Pop's.

Can I just interrupt myself and say, This little face makes my heart ache with love?

Ben and I still enjoy most of the same things now that we're parents, except now those things are even better, because we're sharing them with this amazing tiny little person whom God used us to make, and for him every single day is a great big discovery, and we get to be the ones to guide him in beginning his journey, and to witness the miracle of every single moment that exists if you just open your eyes and ears and look and listen.

Bobby was totally into camping this time around -- I think he finally was really able to get the full experience. When we went in the summer it stayed light so late that by the time it was dark he was exhausted and missed out on all the playing with flashlights and watching the campfire.

Ben and I have an awesome super romantic two person sleeping bag that makes camping twice as fun.

Bob of course had to get up super early...

... so we got some special mother-son time before the men joined us, eating blueberry muffins and apples straight from the tree at our campsite.

"I want wide vuh toad pwease."

Bob and Bailey are pals for life.

Tractors and headphones. Pop Pop's place is a wonderland.

Bubby loves the woods. He loves walking himself, stepping over (and often tripping over) sticks and pine cones and saplings and whatnot. He was on the lookout for bears and deer and bobcats and chipmunks. Every noise -- "Did zou he-ah vat, Mommy?"

Gramps is expanding the pond, so right now it's surrounded by dirt and rocks.

Throwing the rocks into the water was absolutely Bob's favorite thing about camping. He woke up in the morning and said, "I have fwow tons wocks. Pop-Pop needs me fwow vose wocks in vat pond."

He kept trying to pick up rocks that were sitting on the edge or over the edge, and almost falling over but miraculously catching himself. Making me a nervous wreck.

Grabbing an apple from the tree whenever we felt a little hungry was delicious and fun.

The weather was absolutely perfect for camping. We couldn't have asked for better days. It actually helped me appreciate fall quite a bit more than I have been... I guess it's time to quit hoping for an Indian summer.

The guys love playing disc golf... I usually sit out because the frisbee doesn't usually go where I plan for it to and even if it does I can only throw it about 15 feet, so... I'd rather take pictures or read.

The toad is another of Bobby's favorite things about Pop Pop's (and mine, too).

While Bobby threw rocks and played trucks I took pictures of him and the cool reflections in the water.

Dusk came and my battery died and that was the end of my documenting. Sometimes I suppose a dead camera is a blessing in disguise though, because otherwise I have trouble putting it down.

Bobby's been begging to go camping again ever since we came home. I'm afraid for this year he's pretty much beat... but hopefully we can squeeze in a campfire or two at least.

California vacation -- a start at least

2011-10-04T22:02:00.003-04:00

A real California post is long, long overdue.

We were so fortunate to get to go on our awesome vacation, thanks to the generosity of Ben's family flying us out and feeding us and putting us up and all that jazz.

The trip was occasioned because Ben's Grandfather "R.B." passed away a few months ago and the whole family was gathering for a little memorial party.

Grandfather lived in Texas; I only met him once, when we traveled down there for his wife's funeral back in March 2009 (when I was early in my pregnancy with Bob and feeling super sick all day every day and could barely eat a thing besides lemon slices). Sadly, Grandfather never did get to meet Bob, but he did get to meet pregnant me, and he was an avid follower of my blog so I have a feeling he got more info than he probably wanted.

And like a big dope, I didn't take one single photo at the party. Sometimes at these sorts of things, I don't like to be the one with the camera taking pictures of everybody, but then when I don't, I regret it. Mostly I failed though because Bob insisted on spending 96% of the time in the driveway instead of the backyard where everyone else was. The only other child at the party felt the exact same way; not sure what the draw was there but apparently it was one fun slab of concrete.

Of course, that was just one day. The other big reason for the trip was to get to spend some time with Ben's Gram whom we also hadn't seen since I was pregnant with Bobbert.

So... the trip.

Travel went smoothly. Bob was very excited about everything; the whole airport/airplane experience was much more interesting to him than it was when we went to Jamaica last year.

He was invited into the cockpit a couple of times. One of these times, Bob was staring at all the instruments and gauges and such and the pilot said, "Don't worry, buddy, I don't know what any of it is either." Hah.

We bought a box of Munchkins to use as bribes during travel, and let's just say they were handed out so liberally that Bobby pretty much ate donuts and nothing else that day.

Bubbs did really well on the planes, considering he's almost two and being still for four hours at a time is not his forte. Here he is taking a little snooze...

And can I just say, it's no picnic holding a toddler on your lap for hours on end in a tiny enclosed space while pregnant. That's just a fact.

Bob was super happy to get a chance to steer the rental car.

It was such a relief to finally get where we were going and relax at Great Grandma's for the evening. Bob thought this chair + ottoman was a tiny bed just his size.

The first morning, Bobby quite naturally woke up at 4 am; clearly he wasn't hip to the three hour time difference. Since everyone else was sleeping we opted to go out for breakfast. Bob ate a muffin outside...

... while we waited for this place to open.

We spent the rest of the day hanging around at Gram's.

Robin (Gram's caregiver/cook) makes the best food...

We ate and ate while we played cards all afternoon.

Bob skipped the cards and played with the kitty toys instead. (Picture on the right is Bob's response to, "Can you fit in there?")

That night we got to see a gorgeous sunset over the Pacific and Catalina Island.

And that's all I've got for now, because I ran out of time uploading photos from home. I promise I won't share the whole trip in two day increments like this. That would be ridiculous. But I do have lots more. You are warned.

Bobby quotes part two

2011-09-30T15:28:00.003-04:00

Last night Bobby woke up in the wee hours and couldn't go back to sleep. He lay quietly in his crib in the attic, trying so hard, but he just couldn't doze back off. Lucky for him, neither could I, so finally I conceded and took him down-stay-ahs. He sat quietly looking at books and watching Praise Baby for a little bit, but then he just had to get out of the big chair and get crazy. At first I was totally concerned with settling him down and getting us back to bed as soon as possible, but he was just so darn lovable and entertaining that I couldn't help but just enjoy the special stolen middle-of-the-night time with my boy. Back in the nursing days we were the only ones awake in a dark house a lot, but now it's pretty rare, so in a way (the sort of way that I would not care to repeat regularly) it made me happy.

Couldn't help writing down more bobby quotes while we were hanging out -- just because I wish I could keep the whole episode recorded in my brain forever. The typed versions don't come out quite as cute as the spoken originals, but i try.

Uh ewephant tan't wide uh bicey-tle.

My bum fawl-in off.
I bettah save me up.
I did puwh me up he-ah.

Mommy writin at night.
Mommy writin on papeh.

I twimb down. I didn't fawl. Didn't fawl up he-ah!

What Mom writin now? Mom usin vis pen.

I tan fix vis bicey-tle.
I might fix vis bicey-tle.
I might fix undah he-ah.

I tan hop at Dwam's!
Ribbit. (hop)
Ribbit. (hop)
Ribbit. (hop)
Ribbit. (hop)
I hopped!

Tan't put vis bicey-tle up he-ah. (pointing at ceiling)

I saw toe-ah-wa be-ah sweepin. ("I saw koala bear sleeping." took me a second to get that one.)

Okay, enough's enough. Have a good weekend!

Bobby quotes

2011-09-28T17:10:00.001-04:00

For the past few days I've tried to record some of the sentences that Bobby speaks, because he's just so darn cute, and how will I ever remember the particulars if I don't write them down?

"Mommy is sitting right here on Mom's bum."

Me: "Why is my belly getting bigger?"
Bob: "Why is my baseball bat getting bigger?"

"Football guys have wear helmets!" Bob does lots of talking about football and guys and helmets.

"These are pretty flowers! Ohhh, so pretty."

"It's not too sunny. It's not too hot."

"It's beau-ful sky right now!"

"Vuh mon-tey tan twimb up here by mon-tey's self." Referring to himself, as he tried to climb the willow.

"She doesn't need it, she wants it." Referring to himself again; for some reason he thinks he's a she.

"I want any." Naturally derived from, "Do you want any?"

"Mama beaver zou." Yeah, this one's hard to explain. But it was super hilarious.

Me: "What did you do in the nursery today?"

Bob: "I started twyin."

Me: "Why did you start crying?"

Bob: "Mommy tan't find zou!"

"Mommy lay up." The opposite of lay down.

Me: "What do you want to name our baby?
Bob: "Owen."
Me: "Oh yeah?"
Bob: "Zes, that's fine. That's fine, honey."
No, we haven't decided on a name yet, so don't bother asking.

"Da-mother gave vis basketball just for me. It's just my right size."

"I want hang out. I want stay up so night!"
What Bob kept saying last night, still way too excited about his new basketball to sleep.

Me: "Grandmother gave that to you because she loves you."
Bob: "I love Mommy."
Me: "You love Mommy?"
Bob: "Zes, I do love Mommy."

"I'm not doing this." Said while he is in fact doing the thing he claims he is not doing.

"I never not play this."

"This is dane-rous for me."

"Not for eating." Said as he handed back a piece of raw spaghetti I gave him to try.

"I want any money. I want more money."

"Maybe a bunny tan pop out. I tan pet some bunnies! May-bee!"

Me: "What should we name our baby?"
Bob: "Bobby."
Me: "We can't. We already have a baby named Bobby."
Ben: "What other name do you like?"
Bob: "Kittens."
Me: "Kittens? You want to name our baby Kittens?"
Bob: "O-tay. [pause and grin] Bobby silly."

"It's really bouncy for me."

The puppy licked-ed my bum. Yeah, that didn't happen.

Dear tiny one

2011-09-24T20:25:00.000-04:00

I wrote this yesterday afternoon but didn't scan and edit the photos until today.

I am desperate for a nap right now. Had to get up early to drive dad to work and then the lady at the lab took about 25 thingies full of my blood... so there are my excuses. But I really don't even need any... because I'm pregnant. Pregnant ladies can nap whenever they want to. All that to say, as badly as I want to close my eyes right now I want to tell you something even more, and this might be the only quiet moment I have today.

I want to tell you: I love you. So bad right now, as your brother would say.

Today I saw you for the first time! I heard your heartbeat for the first time. Your big brother smiled at your image and patted my belly while he sat next to me on the "bed" and we got to spy in on you and see you yawn and stick your hand in your mouth and stretch your arms above your head. We saw your right ear, we saw your nose, we saw all ten of your toes. And we saw your weenie clear as day and learned that you are a boy -- a brother! And even though I tried to say beforehand that I really didn't care what gender you were, I really did hope you would be my second son.

All the details aside, though, it was most wonderful just to get to see you for a while, check in on you and make sure you're doing swell, even though I already knew in my body and in my heart that you were.

I am just so excited that you are YOU, and I cannot wait to meet you come January, tiny one, and watch you grow bigger and learn all about the person you are.

Looks like you have the same curly-cue hair as your brother.

Now I'm off to rest... hopefully Bobby will give me an hour.

Love,
Your Mama