Another Day... Another Diaper...

I don't want to go to school!

2011-09-07T11:13:00.000-07:00

I don't want to go to school! I don't want my little Penelope to go to school! I complain about her all the time but the truth is, I would not trade her annoying, challenging, annoying, pest like behavior for anything. I got a call from her teacher yesterday and I gave her my blessing because I worry for her, the teacher, not Penelope. Still, I'm a little sad that I won't have someone home with me all day to whine about. I'm even more sad about the fact that I no longer have an excuse for my house looking like a tornado went through it. Does this mean I have to actually pick things up and not blame it on the girls? Am I still a stay at home mom or am I a part-time mom as well as a house maid? How do things work now? Is it possible to already have empty nest syndrome? Well guys, welcome to my next stage of motherhood, I'll let you know how it goes!

OMG! OMG YOU GUYS!

2011-09-06T22:59:00.000-07:00

OMG! You guys! Do I have a treat for you! Put that bagel down, before digging into your breakfast this morning, get to this! So, you know about Michelle Obama's "Let's Move" campaign, right? Well, The Berenstain Bears LIVE! and sponsors NY Metro Parents, Manhattan Movement and Arts Center and Theatermania partner to bring Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” to Bear Country, featuring a FREE performance of The Berenstain Bears LIVE! The first 100 families who download our “Let’s Move in Bear Country” pledge found at www.BerenstainBearsLive.com/LetsMove will be awarded two tickets to the event, which includes a pre-show Healthy Snacktime, a FREE performance, a post-show dance lesson, and face painting and photos with the Bears. “Let’s Move in Bear Country” takes place on Sunday, September 25th at 3:30pm at Manhattan Movement and Arts Center.
THE FIRST 100 FAMILIES who go to www.BerenstainBearsLive.com/LetsMove and download the Let’s Move In Bear Country pledge will be eligible for a free pair of tickets to The Berenstain Bears LIVE! Like Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” initiative, the pledge asks families to think about their food choices while striving towards a more active lifestyle.

“Let’s Move in Bear Country” will include:

· A pre –show Healthy Snacktime that includes healthy recipes and snacks from celebrity cookbooks

· A free performance of The Berenstain Bears LIVE! in Family Matters, the Musical

· An interactive “Let’s Move” dance taught by The Berenstain Bear Family

· Face painting and Photos with The Berenstain Bears

Adapted from the classic children’s book series by Stan and Jan Berenstain, The Berenstain Bears LIVE! in Family Matters, the Musical brings everyone’s favorite bear family to life in a thrilling theatrical experience that kids as well as their parents will treasure for many years to come. The newest Off-Broadway musical for Mamas, Papas, and Young Cubs in NYC, The Berenstain Bears LIVE! will give boys and girls of all ages the chance to fall in love with these characters, just as their parents did when they were growing up. The Berenstain Bears LIVE! features an original score by Michael Borton and a book by Borton and Michael Slade.

My evening prayer.

2011-09-06T22:34:00.000-07:00

You've got to me kidding me! Hey God! Yeah you, the big guy that gives good people, good things? Why did you decide to throw a freaking monsoon my way when I finally got the chance to do some back to school shopping? Really? My bad! I've been caring for my father, you know, honor thy father? Why on earth would you do this to me? You know I just donated my rain boots because they make my feet sweat. Really? You had to drench my sparkly shoes? They're sparkly and bring happiness to any outfit? Then you shut the lights out in the mall which resulted them in closing at 6, no heads up? No "signs", nada? You really let me drive in rain traffic and get there at 6:05, get out of the car, open 3 umbrellas, finagle holding my umbrella with my chin while holding the points of the girls umbrellas so that they didn't get hit by a car in the parking lot, get drenched and finally get to the sign at the door that says, "We're closed". Why? I'm a good person and you forced me to go out with two children who insisted on wearing crocs today and then complained about having wet feet all day. Thanks God... No, really thanks... I'm not bitter or anything. Really...

Almost forgot!

Amen.

Whenever there is a mom in need...

2011-09-06T10:48:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I decided to make the rounds my father used to make with me with my girls. We did it all, Central Park Zoo, a visit to Alice, The Plaza, FAO and a horse and carriage ride. I have this gift, at least I like to think of it that way and the gift is that people just feel like they can talk to me. My sister simply calls me Santa Clause because it is REALLY weird sometimes. I even sometimes get children lined up at my table in restaurants. It's pretty odd and VERY annoying at times but I accept it.
At every stop we made this weekend, a mom in need would talk to me. One asked me if my shoes were comfortable, another asked me what color polish I was wearing, another asked me how comfortable my stroller was and alas my favorite mom in need was at the zoo. I was taking pictures of those monkeys with the pink behinds (too lazy to Google) and I heard a little voice yell, "Shut up! Leave me alone!" I turned around to see the most beautiful and angriest little boy I have ever seen. Seriously, he was gorgeous. He was yelling at his mother who was super stylish and gorgeous as well. The mother turned to me and said, "What do I do?!", I looked at her and I looked at her tiny son and said to her, "Nothing, there are too many people around and you don't want to go to jail." Thankfully, she laughed at my sarcastic comment, thanked me and went on her way. My husband saw my new friend and asked me what was going on, I told him the story and he said the best thing he could have ever said and completely redeemed himself from telling me he married me for my great personality (I know! What an a-hole!), he said, "I always thought you were my supermom but it looks like you are everyone else's as well". Then I quickly remembered that if I admit at that moment that it was the nicest thing I ever heard, even nicer than the man who told me he wanted to F-me, I might have to "reward" him and I then just thanked him and tucked my cape back into my shirt.

What the eff?!

2011-09-04T09:04:00.000-07:00

It has been a looonnnng 2 weeks! My dad has been sick, I've been showering off the hospital smell every night, Sophia cut Penelope's hair and my girls learned how to hip thrust! Here are my what the eff moments of the week!

Why do husbands never listen? I know they think we nag but we wouldn't nag if they listened right? What the eff?! If Luis would have put the scissors away like I ALWAYS tell him to, Sophia would had never cut Penelope's hair into a mullet. Why she do it on Luis' watch? Did this really have to happen on mine? What the eff?! Wait until your father is watching you to do such things! This way I can really nag!

Skinnies, how do you think it feels when you say that the sole reason you do not want to have children is because you don't want to ruin your body? What the eff?! So, what you are saying is that I traumatized you? Do I look that horrendous? If so, you're welcome because such superficial people don't deserve the gift of pitter patter anyway. Yeah, I said it!

Yes, my family is just what I always wanted it to be and when you ask me if I want a third, remember how difficult it was for me to have a first and second. Baby fever is totally normal! Everyone gets it at some point and no it isn't because I want a boy! What the eff?! Why are people always trying to shove a penis down my throat? Wow, that last sentence sounded a lot better in my brain. What the eff?! If I do every have another baby, I don't care what it is and you shouldn't either!

Geeze Rio! I didn't expect my daughters to start to hip thrust after watching this movie and they do it all the time! Even in public! If I had a smokin' body, people would be under the impression that I was a stripper! On that note, thank you for teaching my daughters to dance like strippers! What the eff?! My daughters are freaking non-stop hip thrusting machines! Damn you, Rio!

Ben and Jerry's? Really? You are going to let this lady down when she really wants a cone of pistachio ice cream? Why only sell it in a pint? It's "the man", must be! "The man" wants me to be fat! How dare you tempt me in such ways! Of course I could inhale a pint of ice cream! That's why I only order one scoop! What the eff?! You should sell pistachio by the cone! Isn't it a popular flavor?

Hey lady who stood in front of my girls yesterday while we were watching the seals in the Central Park Zoo. You are lucky that I was so hot and didn't have the energy to argue. Who stands in front of children? What the eff?! You should have known better but you were also wearing a fanny pack so, I digress.

I hope everyone is enjoying their Labor Day weekend! Thanks again for reading!

How do you know?

2011-09-02T21:25:00.000-07:00

(To the tune of "How do you know", if you don't know what song that is, click the link) How do you know you are done? How do you know? You're done! I feel like a fake. I feel like my blog is all fake. Another day, another diaper. I have not seen the face of a diaper in over a year. I know! A sham! But seriously, that's not what I want to talk about. I have been talking to many of my friends lately and asking them, how did you know it was your time to stop having more children. Some of them have a pretty clear answer. They have told me it is because of financial reasons, divorce and not wanting to have children by different fathers, they never wanted to have kids and just had 2 because they didn't want to have one (yes, someone told me that) but even though the answers are pretty clear, many of them still struggle or have struggled with making their decision permanent.
How does a woman know she is DONE having kids? I asked my mom, her response was that she didn't want all five of us and after the fifth she just wanted to have sex and not worry about getting pregnant (true story). I asked my mother in law, she kept having kids looking for a son and thank God she did because I married him. What if you can financially support 30 kids, what if your heart wants 50, what if your sanity can handle 100? How do you know? Is it just part of our nature to always wonder, "what if I had another?".
I'm not saying I'm going to be the next TLC star who wears long denim skirts and pops out 19 kids (and counting) but I always wonder if this is it for us. Will I adopt in the future? Is this our family forever and always?
Perhaps it is a little harder for me to accept that I will be a family of four, you know that cool family that always gets the booths, since I come from a large family who always had to wait an hour to be seated by the kitchen or perhaps it is a decision that every single woman struggles with? Another day, another struggle maybe? Perhaps?

Beyoncé - Love On Top (Live)

2011-08-29T12:31:00.000-07:00

Beyonce is preggers! I always get this sick excitement when a friend (not that Beyonce and I are besties) announces a pregnancy. Finally! Someone who can understand me! Finally! Someone who will not judge me for choosing a nice dinner over body shots! Finally! Someone who will understand that an email is much easier for me to reply to than a phone call! Then the song starts in my head, "boom boom boom, another one bites the dust!". You might be thinking that I am a cruel person and you are probably right but I have to explain myself before I receive tons of hate mail which I REALLY enjoy by the way. You see, I just get this high off of them judging me and now, now they will understand. That is all.
Now back to Beyonce, if you haven't watched the video yet, do it NOW! She basically pooped on every other pregnancy announcement in the world. After one hell of a routine she opened her blazer and caressed her bump or as she said, love growing inside of her (still makes me cackle!).
Since the video is under the copyright by Viacom, you are going to have to view it by clicking on the link below! Enjoy!

And if you don't know what click on the link means, it means click here >Beyoncé - Love On Top (Live)

Hurricane Irene

2011-08-27T10:14:00.000-07:00

Word on the street is that there is a hurricane coming. I went to 4 different super markets last night. Finally just went to Whole Foods since I figured people wouldn't be so frazzled there being that they don't eat much preservatives and all and you know what? I was right! I was able to buy the necessities to survive the hurricane. Water, Nutella, Donuts, a baguette, you know the essential things in life. What? When someone says, non-perishable items, the first thing that pops in your mind aren't donuts? The only con was that there weren't any pop tarts or Doritos. Perhaps Whole foods is too high end for such things. Thankfully I voluntold my husband to buy some extras at the local Walgreens this morning.
My husband mentioned that we would need weapons in case this turns into a super catastrophic event. If you know my husband, you know he is probably as threatening as a kitten, so the thought of him having a weapon of any sort is hilarious. He even went to the gym this morning to get pumped up I guess. Sweet, sweet man.
We are as ready as we will ever be for Irene's rude visit, I even ordered a couple of pizza pies since I like eating cold pizza anyway and wish you all tons of safety and skinny girl margaritas to pass the storm. Stay safe!

Grateful

2011-08-26T10:26:00.000-07:00

THANK YOU! MERCI! GRACIAS! OBRIGADO! GRATZI! Thank you all so much for your votes! I am in absolute shock that I have so many supporters! Each single vote means the world to me. It is so touching to see my friends post on their personal pages and ask their friends and family to vote for my blog. It was an honor to be nominated for an award from the one magazine every mom, whether it is a new mom to be or a mom of 20 children, will pick up and read. What? I'm on the Parents website! That is already MAYJAH for me! Even though I have so much respect and honor for Parents magazine, it is even more of an honor to see that you all actually like reading my stuff and believe in me.
My good friend asked me to start a blog after our daily emails of her telling me about her super exciting life. She would tell me about her recent trip to Dubai, her feeling like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman while she was in Palm Springs (not the prostitute part, the fixing the turf with her heels part). When she would ask me how my day was going, I would tell her about the poop in my nails, the shower I wasn't able to take, and the hair on my legs that I couldn't shave. Well, I had no idea she was circulating the email and once I started my blog, it kind of became my safe place. While people tell me that I'm funny, I really don't understand why. I kind of suffer from an illness called diarrhea of the mouth and am still working on my filter. I spit out whatever is on my mind and since everyone else thinks it, I guess it makes them giggle.
Anyway! The voting ends on October 15th. If you haven't voted but want to, you can click here OR you can click on the pink button on the upper right hand corner on this page and submit your vote. Thank you for the nomination and an even bigger thank you for voting! Love you! MEAN IT!

Shakin' in my boots!

2011-08-23T11:34:00.000-07:00

So, there was just an earthquake and it seems like everyone felt it but my mother, my mailman and of course me. I live about a 3 minute drive from Times Square and felt nada! As I was ending a call with my friend who lives in Long Island, I received an intercepting call from my husband. "My building was just swaying! I think there was just an earthquake", he said. "Get the hell out of the building! Don't you remember what happened in 9/11!", I responded. "No, I have a meeting at 2 o'clock", said my responsible husband. "Okay, so where are the insurance papers again?", said his smart wife...
I wish everyone safety and hope that everyone in Virginia is fine along with everyone else who felt the shake! Let's hope and pray that this is the last one we ever feel! Stay safe everyone!

I'm a slaaave for you!

2011-08-23T10:14:00.000-07:00

You know how it is, you make your order, you get that confirmation email along with the glorious tracking number and then, you stalk. You stalk the UPS website for those key words, "in transit", "out for delivery" and of course the ETA.
When my husband got home from work yesterday, he asked about his package that I was eagerly waiting for and was "out for delivery" all day. I informed him that the package had not yet arrived and because of my waiting by the door all day, I didn't have time to make dinner (wink wink). We waited 15 minutes until 7, which is the cut off time for a regular ground package and went out to our favorite diner which holds the hottest host ever! So hot that even my husband calls him Clark Kent. ANYWAY! After dinner we come back home to find that UPS came at 7:10. CRAP! Well, onto day 2 and I wake up early, make the girls breakfast (pop tarts) and have a seat with them at the table to chat. Well, I saw the man of the hour in his brown uniform walk past the windows to my front door and before he could ring the door bell, stood up and passed out. If you have never fainted before, I will explain to you what happens because I consider myself a professional in fainting spells, so your brain is still working, you hear everything around you, you just can't move or control your body. Okay, back at the ranch, so I faint and the doorbell rings. Inside my mind I'm thinking, "No! I don't want to waste another day waiting for the package! Must get up! Must get up!" My girls came over to me because they're kind of used to this too and grabbed the phone to call my husband. They get him on the phone and explain to him that mommy is sleeping on the floor. As I heard the UPS man's boots walk away from my home, I gained control of my body again and grabbed the phone. "I missed the UPS man!", I told my husband. My husband responded by saying, "Are the girls okay?". Then it hit me, what if the girls would have opened the door? What if it was just a random guy dressed up in a UPS uniform that was going to start with me with his serial killer case (Yes, I'm obsessed with the ID channel)? What if we would have all been murdered and turned into a Lifetime movie?! This just proves what a slave I am to the UPS man, so much of a slave that in my fainting slumber, I only thought about the package instead of my daughters' safety. Thankfully we are safe and so is my sanity because he left my package at the door. Sweet, sweet man!

Date Night

2011-08-19T13:59:00.000-07:00

My husband loves going out to dinner, no it isn't because I'm a terrible cook. It's because we don't have a dishwasher which means, I cook, he washes dishes (not because he's my love slave but because I'm allergic to dish-washing liquid) and sometimes he's just not up for it. He called me today and reminded me that I have not left my house in almost a week. I am a hermit, I could live in my house and never leave for the rest of my life. I have no idea what stir crazy means because I love being home! Stick some food through the chute for me and we are good to go.
Anyway, that's not what I wanted to talk about. So, he called me up and told me to get jazzed up to go out to dinner tonight. My girls are pretty well behaved when we go out to dinner but of course like every child, they have their days, well, Penelope has her days. She will be great for appetizers and by the time entrees come along, so does mommy's indigestion. This is why I have developed a strategy for going out to dinner. When the hostess escorts us to our table, I tailgate her like nobody's business because I want to strategically position myself in a manner, that makes my husband the go to guy when the girls need to go potty, drop a utensil, want to switch seats, etc. I also make sure I hold the good kid's hand so I'm not stuck with the sometimes terror. It also works if you volunteer to hold the jackets, bags or whatever extra stuff you are carrying on your side of the table and make sure you create a barricade with such things. This strategy will allow you to enjoy a pleasant meal and not worry about indigestion. So, you are probably judging me and wondering if my husband enjoys his meal. I don't care, my husband enjoys his breakfast, lunch and snacks at a quiet office without the arguments of who started what, who pushed who and of course who had it first. I deserve to enjoy my dinner and extra large obnoxious drink from time to time while sitting next to my good child or barricade, whatever works.

It's okay to hate! (sometimes)

2011-08-18T17:45:00.000-07:00

Not my picture (obvs)

It's absolutely okay to hate your kids sometimes. Especially if you take a second to bash them with me and alcohol, that makes it even better! Come on down! My friend who is also the mom of two girls and I lost ourselves in the world of, "she does that too!" or "why do they do that?!", while the booty popping music flooded the room, my friend and I tuned it all out to ~~bash~~ discuss our daughter's behavior. We discussed the fact that sisters do odd things like accompany one another to the bathroom to comment on whatever comes out, that they hate each other one second and once you yell at Thing 2, Thing 1 comes along to console her and makes you feel like an evil mother. Ugh, that was confusing. I can go on and on (and on) but I won't.
It is such a great feeling to have someone to relate to, to have another women who admits defeat in battles of motherhood, who you can sit with and make fun of women who claim to have never experienced PPD or the mothers who have an obnoxious child but refuse to admit her child is a pest and says he/she is just bored, actually, your kid is a terror AND he just spit on you! Motherhood is a war between a once normal and in my case super cool woman and a child that will teach you that you are not as patient as you thought you were. There is not one woman out there who has never lost her shiznit and if she is out there, she's a liar. I love being in the comfort of fellow women who have a love/hate relationship with their children and I especially love being around those women in the midst of alcohol, great food and booty popping music.
(Thank you Kristan)

Beauty School Drop Out

2011-08-17T11:04:00.000-07:00

Before and After

I got my first write up today and by that I mean I f'd up big time. I spent my evening in tears because I knew I messed up big time in my job of motherhood. What happened? Well, I talked to my husband for no longer than 2 minutes and realized that my minions had disappeared from my sight. I call out for them, there was no answer... I call out again, silence. Now I'm worried so I start walking towards their room and out comes Sophia and says, "Do you like my hair cut?" Oh no! Oh no! She cut her hair! I quickly grab her head and inspect it and realize that if she really did cut her hair, it couldn't be anything severe. Phew! Then I saw Penelope... I burst into tears when I saw my once bald, now not bald and RIGHT NOW Victor/Victoria looking daughter look up at me with her giant eyes. "Where is the scissor?!" Victor/Victoria pulls my husband's scissor, the scissor that I always tell him to put away in a high shelf, the scissor that I have thrown in the garbage every single time he leaves them lying out... THE SCISSOR! I could not stop crying and called my mother. "Mom! Sophia cut Penelope's hair and now she has a mullet going on!" My mother burst into laughter, cackling actually. In the midst of her cackling, she was able to get the words, "calm down" out. I hung up on her and called Luis, again in tears. "Luis! Penelope is bald again! Half of her head is bald!" Luis was very consoling and told me we would figure it out before she starts school. I decided to let the girls play in their room for the rest of the afternoon because the sight of my mullet baby was too difficult to bare. Luis came home, inspected her and re-assured me that I was a good mother and that these things happen. Of course I flipped my lid because the only reason this happened was because he left a scissor in their room! Thank God they both have eyes and it was just the hair. So, after realizing that this was actually my husband's fault for A)leaving the scissors out and B)asking me to check something on the computer for him. I felt like I was on top of my game again. Phew! I'm free and clear of write ups!

What the eff?

2011-08-16T11:27:00.000-07:00

This has been an exciting week! I was a bridesmaid for the very first time in my life, I had a castle made out of cereal boxes fall on top of me, I was stuck in a car with my husband for 15 hours one way and 12 hours another and honestly thought that our destination would be a legal separation AND I had a great visit to Cincinnati! So, here are my what the eff moments of the week!

I'm going to need to meet the first person who decided to make these very kid tempting displays in supermarkets. What's next after the castle? Me running after a tumbling display of oranges? WHAT THE EFF? Think of something else!

My husband and I hardly ever argue, until we are in the car together, "You're too close to that car! You're driving to fast!". I know we are not alone, I've talked to many other couples and they also have their hot and heaviest arguments in the car. WHAT THE EFF? Why? I'm guessing it has something to do with men being bad drivers.

Are my kids the only kids that fight over imaginary stuff? Like, Sophia will make a pretend cake and then Penelope will say, "I ate your cake" with an evil grin and then they start screaming at one another for eating pretend cake? Please tell me I'm not alone here! This is the one fight that just takes me to a really bad place because I just don't get it! WHAT THE EFF?! Make another pretend cake!

You want to whip your boob out and feed a kid in public? Who cares!? You want to feed your child formula? Who cares!? Stop fighting with one another! We all have the right to our own decisions and at the end of the day, the key word is FEED, the baby is eating. WHAT THE EFF? Let's worry about people who do worst things to their children and terrorize them instead.

Who in their right mind would see a bride and her bridal party and say, "Gosh, I hope it works out!" Who does that? Well, a lady did it to my friend on her wedding day. This lady deserves for me to actually spell out the F-word but I'll keep it classy and say, WHAT THE EFF, you don't do that, you miserable soul!

So what, I'm a stay at home mom. So what, I feel like I have no excuse for my home not being spotless, so what, I have pressure from all over the place about being the BEST mom and the BEST wife. So what, I feel like I'm losing a little piece of me sometimes. You are right, I do nothing all day and yes this means that the moment you want something done you call me because my day is spent Facebook stalking and not trying to keep two girls from fighting over imaginary cake. WHAT THE EFF?! R-E-S-P-E-C-T and sock it to me while you're at it. This is a hard gig, please respect me and have compassion for me not having the time to even wax my stache sometimes!

Ahhh... The mid-west! It's amazing! People eat, salads are just appetizers and I'm pretty sure that is the sole reason why they are friendlier. WHAT THE EFF?! Why must I be judged when I want a freaking Big Mac! Leave me alone! I like McDonald's and I'm a pretty happy and positive person! Some blame it on the alcohol, I blame it on the fact that I like to treat myself to a burger and fries from time to time.

Thank you for reading my, WHAT THE EFF moments of this week! I'm sure there will be many more to come!

GLAAD to be MAD!

2011-08-11T17:54:00.000-07:00

I've been running around today with two toddlers before the BIG day (not mine but my very good friend's). Momma had to get her feet done, hair did and somewhere under my eye brows I found I had eyelashes again!
Well, at the nail salon while I was enjoying my very "relaxing" pedicure as I shouted, "Sit down!" about 10 times my daughter asked me what nail color boys used. I told her boys can use absolutely ANY color on the wall because as we all know, there is no such thing as boy colors and girl colors, right? We all know this, right? Well, "we" don't. The woman sitting beside me said, "What are you teaching them? Boys don't wear nail polish!" and I said to her, "Well, it doesn't say that on the bottle." Then she said, "Are you mad? You are teaching those beautiful little girls that being a Lesbian is okay!" and instead of spitting in her face I said, "No, I already taught them that being Gay is okay because it isn't my business how anyone wants to stuff their sausage, I don't even care where or how you stuff it when you go home at night and if they do grow up to be Gay, then let them be the happiest Gays the world has ever produced."
My blood was boiling but since my daughters were there and by their faces I could tell they had already felt the tension in the exchange, I decided to leave the moron alone. The moron who has the obvious problem of having a lack of sausage at home. I will never be okay with people hating other people just for wanting to love and I will absolutely NEVER EVER be okay with someone ever telling an obvious fabulous little boy that he cannot dabble in the fabulous world of Essie.

Toddler Avalanche...

2011-08-10T10:17:00.000-07:00

I would like to believe that both my daughters are pretty well behaved and I don't mean that in a mom who has an ugly child and asks everyone, "Isn't he cute?" kind of way. I know all parents of cannibalistic children say that their children are well behaved but I mean it.
I went grocery shopping with my girls and did the usual drill of going over the rules in the car, "Remember to hold onto either side of the shopping cart and remember we have a list and will not buy anything that isn't on that list", and of course a mini prayer in my mind to every God possible that they would not spazz once we were inside. This method has never failed on me until... Until now...
As we were walking towards the registers my 3 year old daughter, Penelope said, "Look mommy! A castle made out of cereal!" There stood a mountain of very well organized boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Then I tried to put on my mom act and make everyone around me think I was the best mom ever and said, "Yes Penelope, isn't it beautiful! A castle made out of cereal boxes! Maybe we can try that at home!". An elderly couple was right by us and decided to spark up a conversation with me about raising two daughters of their own. In that split second, I hear Penelope scream, "Mommy!" I turn and see my tiny 3 year old at the bottom of the now trembling cereal castle. I ran over and tried to steady the structure and at this point, boxes began falling over. I figured if I positioned my body in the shape of an X, I would be able to hold the base of the castle and Mr.Cinnamon Toast and Crunch would be steady. Then I heard loud laughter, the sweet elderly couple was now laughing hysterically at me, "I've been set up!", was all I could think. I yelled out at Penelope and told her to step back and join her sister at the shopping cart and then... And then the front of part of the castle came tumbling down. Thankfully it was only the front middle section which turned out to be about 30-40 boxes but still I was mortified. I did what any person in my situation would have done and fought with the decision to either run out of the super market OR do the right thing and stay there, pick up the pieces and put the boxes back up. I decided to play architect and build a castle because the fact is no one knows how to really build a castle more than a queen and her princesses.

It's about that time..

2011-08-04T19:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, it is absolutely about that time for a water table... I have been pushing this messy toy away and have hid it from my daughters long enough but unfortunately on my part, it has been discovered. I mentioned to my husband that the girls are dying for a water table. Since their experience with one, they sneak over to the bathroom sink and make a mess in sixty seconds. He did not agree with me and figured that after a good talk with the girls about playing in the sink, the angry momma would no longer happen... Until... Until two days ago when I realized the girls were in the bathroom again and I heard giggling and knew it was happening, they were playing in the sink again. I busted into the bathroom in a super dramatic manner, just like the DEA does in the movies and saw that they were just giggling, no water, no wet hands... I felt terrible, my girls were indeed angels. Until... Until, I "tinkled" (I really wanted to say pissed) and I heard two girls giggling... I asked what was so funny and my 3 year old says, "You're peeing on my rubber ducky" I stand up and see Mr.Ducky as happy as he could be as him and I had both experienced our first golden shower, him the recipient and me the giver of course. I was so angry, I could scream, I could yell, I could pull the hair out of my head but since there is a God in heaven, my husband had just walked into the house and after seeing the look in my eyes and the happy Mr.Ducky, he bought the girls a water table and I have given my last golden shower.

Spanx me baby!

2011-08-02T13:07:00.000-07:00

I'm playing a role in the wedding of all weddings in exactly 11 days. You know what that means? What undergarment will I wear to magically suck in my c-section gut (CSG).
I went to what I like to think of as my little piece of heaven which is the Spanx website to check out my options. I realized that all this time I have been wearing their, "Super-Duper" level suckers as opposed to their "Super" level. For a woman with a lot to hide, the duper might make all the difference.
I frantically called the hotline listed on their website and spoke with a super sweet consultant. I really hope she has children already because with my greeting of, "Hello! I am calling because I need help hiding my c-section gut which by the way I plan on surgically removing one day", she might just put off having children FOREVER! I also mentioned to her that I did not want my slip to ride up while I was doing body rolls on the dance floor because every mother knows she loves a NO CHILDREN reception! Drink irresponsibly? YES PLEASE! I have to say that in the end, my consultant was super helpful and assured me that the Super Sucker was just a small difference from the Super Duper Sucker. You know what that means? Game on body rolls! Time to Spanx that!

Welcome back!

2011-08-02T12:55:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for the emails! I took a little hiatus since I have the two minions home for the summer. Juggling that, fitting into a bridesmaid dress, afternoons at bounce houses and mornings shaking my butt in Zumba classes have left me with absolutely zero time to blog but alas I am back!

The gift that sparkles...

2011-05-05T17:20:00.000-07:00

Mother's day is almost here! I still have stretch-marks, the full head of gray hair to prove my hard work and am ready for yet another day of the year that is all about moi! I know mother's day isn't supposed to be about pressies but about the gift of being a mother. Yeah, alright, motherhood is a great "gift", I love being a mom to two girls, I love having tea parties, playing dress up, playing Kardashian (this is when we use eyeshadow) and all but I think I deserve a gift wrapped in a little mint box just for not turning to alcohol whenever they fight for the purple crayon (even though there are at least 10 more in the crayon box) OR when my four year old is having a tantrum because she doesn't want to be 4 years old, she wants to be 7 and three quarters.
I know what you're thinking, this woman is shallow and materialistic... GUILTY AS CHARGED and I've never been ashamed to admit it. I'm not the kind of mom that is going to be okay with the type of gift that you can buy in the housewares section of a department store but the type of gift that sparkles. I'm not talking about the charms that say MOM with birthstones on them, those make me want to vom but pink diamond studs to signify my two daughters would be REALLY nice (hint, hint).
All in all, I hope everyone has a very happy mother's day and if you're not being pampered by your children or spouse, kick them to the curb and grow yourself another family. ENJOY!

Tall Tales...

2011-05-04T10:24:00.000-07:00

Face down! Legs up! That's the way you have a boy! I will not even start to count how many times people, all types of people give me tips on how to produce a son. There seems to be no discretion either. It's like they're REALLY concerned with me having two daughters. Ridiculous really but very true. I could be in the doctor's office, book store or the most appropriate place to discuss the best sexual positions to have a boy, a child's birthday party of course and people still feel the need to tell me to have my husband soak his testicles in ice before performing intercourse OR to have sex in the daytime and NOT when the sun is down OR to drink rum because rum produces boys. Exactly! WHAT?!
I just want to say that if I were ever to have another child, I don't care if it is a boy, a girl or BOTH! I could not be more over the moon with two girls. It is something that I have ALWAYS wanted. I never had the wonderful experience of growing up with a sister because by the time I was born, my sister was grown up already. I never had anyone to play Mall Madness or Sweet Valley High with and am very grateful to have not one but two little people that ~~I can play~~ WHO can play together for as long as they like each other. I'm living my fairytale and keeping the rum and "nooners" far from me... For now at least...

Here comes the bride!

2011-04-29T09:49:00.000-07:00

Of course I'm going to have to talk about the Royal Wedding! Did I wake up at 4AM to watch? No! Did I DVR? Absolutely! Will I watch later with my daughters? Oh! Hell yes!
I've seen a couple of people comment on not showing their daughters the wedding because then it instills pressure on them having to get married. Blah, blah, blah! Don't care! I grew up in a family where weddings happen. No one ever told me, "you HAVE to get married" but I just knew that some day I would. I never looked for marriage nor did I plan my wedding with every guy I met. Luckily, just like in fairy tales, I knew that one day my "prince" would come and he would be everything I wanted him to be and you know what, because I had standards, he did.
Currently in my home there is a small section dedicated to all the brides that have walked down the aisle in my family. The girls love seeing their aunts and grandmothers in their wedding gowns. I think it is a beautiful thing for my girls to see that the women in their family have found men who love them enough to announce their love to the world and commit themselves to them forever. Some may call it a piece of paper, I call it a man who isn't a coward.
All in all, I do have to say that I was in love with Kate's dress. My grandmother wore one just like it on her wedding day, it probably wasn't by Alexander McQueen but she sure looked like a princess wearing it and I'm glad to have this picture along with this tiny piece of history to always and forever share with my daughters.

Singin' in the rain!

2011-04-28T12:14:00.000-07:00

I don't like to complain about things that we have zero control over and I totally understand the whole, "April showers bring May flowers" deal but MY GOD! Really?! Can a sistah catch a break? (I've always wanted to say that!) Anyway, I have a lot of great ideas for rainy days so that your kids don't go crazy in the house, who knows they might even make you want to go singin' in the rain!

Here we go!

1. Indoor Picnic- This is my personal favorite! If you're on a tight budget make dinner, spread out a blanket on the floor and enjoy! I usually order pizza for our picnic nights because it is easy to just grab from the box. That and I'm lazy and don't want to get my not so young body up from the floor a few times, every single time someone wants seconds.

2. "I want to be a fashionista!"- I promise to keep it gender neutral from here on out but why not let your kids dress up in whatever they want from you or your husband's closet, turn on Gaga and let them werrrrrrk. Make sure you have a camera handy, I usually get the best shots of my girls when they're owning it in my DVF.

3. Hunt for Treasure- I usually put together a map of my home for them and of course X marks the magical spot where they will find their "treasure". Make sure they stay in character and keep their pirate voices on at all times matey! Note to self, do not give hugs as the "treasure", it doesn't go over so well and you'll get some, "argh's" instead of "yoho's".

4. Let's make ____- You can fill in the blank yourself! Kids love making things with their parents, anything, so use your imagination. My girls love baking with me so we'll "make" chocolate chip cookies. I always keep a batch of Nestle Toll House Cookies in the freezer for a rainy day (literally). Not only is it fun for them but a delicious treat for me!

5. Please turn off all cell phones- Because you're a the MOVIE THEATER! Not only is it fun to play "movies" at home but it also teaches the minions how to behave when you actually do go to a theater. So, pop some Orville Redenbacher movie theater popcorn, shut off all the lights, turn off all ringers and get ready to snuggle with the little people you love because what else are rainy days good for?

I hope my little list helped shine some light on your rainy day (that was corny, I KNOW)! Please feel free to add any other fun indoor activities you have to keep the minions occupied when the weather outside is frightful!

What do you call a blender and Tupperware?

2011-04-27T16:41:00.000-07:00

Guess! It's called, The Original Baby Bullet! Now, I'm a pretty laid back mom so when my kids were in the baby food age, I consulted with my private chefs at Gerber (they're super exclusive) and had options of any type of feast their little tummies desired as soon as I opened up the cabinet doors because if someone else can do it for me, why do it myself?
I saw this commercial and would love to know who buys this?! Like who looks at this and doesn't think blender? Or Tupperware? Ladies and Gents, you may call me lazy for picking up my baby food at my local grocery store but now I can call you lazy for not using your brain to think of doing this at home. You want to know what makes my blender even cooler? It doesn't have a happy face on it therefore I feel less guilty about having a frozen Skinny Girl Margarita in the middle of the day :). Ahhh... That. Felt. Good!