Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford Station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said “are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, “I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.”

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.”

“May I help you sir?” she asked..

“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.

“No, I must see Valerie,” he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”

The man replied, ” Edinburgh .”

“Really”, she said. “I have family in Edinburgh .”

“I know.” the man said. “Your sister died, and I’m her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person…”

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain——

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ‘What is Politics?’

Dad says, ‘Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister..

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.’

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say’s to his father, ‘Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ‘

The father says, ‘Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.’

The little boy replies, ‘The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.’

There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and proclaims:

‘If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children!’

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!’

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, ‘If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.’

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:

‘Mrs. Jones, you’re a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?’

Agnes’s 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

‘Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Fuck him’.

An elderly gentleman….

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’

The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’

******

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’

Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’

‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’

‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’

******

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.’

The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’

The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know…. The one that’s red and has thorns.’

‘Do you mean a rose?’

‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

******

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he d idn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

******

I love this one…..

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure..’

‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so a s not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’

‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

‘Where’s my toast ?’

******

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

‘So I hear you’re getting married?’

‘Yep!’

‘Do I know her?’

‘Nope!’

‘This woman, is she good looking?’

‘Not really.’

‘Is she a good cook?’

‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’

‘Does she have lots of money?’

‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’

‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’

‘Because she can still drive!’

******

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’

Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

******

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

He looks at her and says angrily, ‘Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have ‘Powergen’ written on my forehead? I don’t think so!’

‘Fine!’

Then the wife asks, ‘Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right’

To which he replied, ‘Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have ‘Fridgidaire’ written on my forehead? I don’t think so!’

‘Fine!’ she says ‘Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break’

‘I’m not a carpenter and I don’t want to fix steps’, he says, ‘does it look like I have ‘Taylor Woodrow’ written on my forehead? I don’t think so! I’ve had enough of this; I’m going to the pub!!!!’

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours…………….

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, ‘How’d all this get fixed?’

She said, ‘well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.’

He said, ‘So what kind of cake did you bake?’

She replied, ‘Hellooooo.., do you see ‘Mr Kipling’ written on my forehead? I don’t think so!’

“Hey Dad, what’s the difference between ‘theoretically’and ‘realistically’?”

His Dad thinks for a while and then says

“Right-o son…..go and ask your mother if she’d sleep with David Beckham for a million quid.”

The boy trots off and comes back saying

“Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds.”

“OK son,” says his dad. “Now go and ask your sister the same question.”

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying “Dad, dad, she said she would too!”

So then his dad says

“Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he’d sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds

The son comes back excitedly saying “Dad! Dad! He said he would too!”

“Well there you have it, son,” said his dad. Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid.

Realistically we’re living with two tarts and a poof !!

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

And finally…

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

1. Your last name stays put.
2. The garage is all yours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. You can be President.
6. You can never be pregnant.
7. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
8. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
9. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
10. The world is your urinal.
11. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
12. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
13. Same work, more pay.
14. Wrinkles add character.
15. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
16. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
17. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
18. One mood all the time.
19. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
20. You know stuff about tanks.
21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
22. You can open all your own jars.
23. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
24. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
25. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
26. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
27. You almost never have strap problems in public.
28. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
29. Everything on your face stays its original color.
30. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
31. You only have to shave your face and neck.
32. You can play with toys all your life.
33. One wallet and one pair of shoes – one color for all seasons.
34. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
35. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
36. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
37. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.