Whew!

What a month!

Most of January was spent gearing up to speak at the business conference in Las Vegas. The thought of public speaking brought up so much fear that I could barely sleep some nights in January.

Here was my biggest fear:  I would get up on stage and completely forget what I’d been hired to speak for an hour (goal setting and how to achieve goals).

To combat that fear, I practiced my talk/Power Point countless nights in my living room with my fireplace as the audience. While I was practicing my talk I would experience a mix of feelings: excitement, terror, frustration, exhaustion (January was also a very busy work month for me).

I’d never done a Power Point before (I had so many friends say ‘really???’ when I told them this).

Really.

Never done a power point presentation and I’d never before spoken to an audience the size that would be at the conference.

Also I’d never been paid to give a live talk (I’ve been paid by a few companies to do webinars and teleclasses. Those have been quite easy. I’m behind the phone and computer) but never a live talk with real people (lots of them) sitting in real chairs in front of me.

Yow. I felt a lot of pressure to do a good job. And I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself anyway.

So therefore I was experiencing double pressure.

So, all of this to say, January was not the most fun month I’ve ever had.

And what made it worse was that I kept thinking thoughts of , “This is going to go badly. I’m going to make a fool out of myself, I just know it.”

And yet, my talk (funny enough) was all about how the thoughts we think and the words we say create our reality. Good and bad.

Duh.

I know this.

And here I was speaking it every night to myself and to my fireplace as I was practicing.

A week before my talk I got it.

I realized that I had to change my thinking or my talk would go crappy.

I would bomb if I didn’t change my thinking.

So I began to imagine myself giving a great talk.

And having a great time at the conference.

My affirmation became, “My talk exceeds my wildest expectations. I feel touched, moved and inspired while I’m speaking. I have so much fun on stage!
The audience is deeply inspired by my talk. I have so much fun at the conference and I experience happy surprises as a result of speaking. The positive rewards of being at the conference exceed anything I can imagine.”

Here’s what actually happened:

I went to the conference and some of my coaching clients got very emotional and cried when they saw me.

I did too.

I’ve never met any of them in person, only on the phone, and it was incredible to get to hug them and look in their eyes and really connect with them.

Words can’t express how touching this was for me.

Here’s the thing: the past couple of months I’d been wondering if I should continue doing this coaching work (Am I really making a difference? Is my work helping people? So many people are suddenly popping up and doing coaching in my specialized niche. Maybe I shouldn’t be doing this anymore?!).

After meeting my coaching clients at the conference I really got that I am making a difference and have helped a lot of people. Hearing this from many of my coaching clients through the course of the weekend was the shot in the arm I needed to continue to passionately do what I’ve doing: helping business owners achieve success in their business and their life. I felt inspired to continue my work.

And the talk?

My talk went better than I could have ever anticipated.

I got on stage and was happily surprised that I felt so confident and self assured. It was incredible to experience those feelings after a couple of months of terror at the thought of public speaking.

After my talk I went to the ‘author table’ where I proceeded to sell every single book I brought to the conference.

I got to sign my books for the first time and hand them to real people (instead of simply seeing the sales numbers on Amazon and on my website). It was so fun to personally meet and connect with the people that would be reading my book!

I had hired a videographer to film my talk and he interviewed nine of my coaching clients who gave video testimonials of my work.

Seeing and hearing my coaching clients talking on the videos about how I’ve helped them has brought tears to my eyes. And the fact that they were willing to do video testimonials was touching also (it’s a lot to give a video testimonial–more pressure than simply writing one. And yet my coaching clients were willing to do that for me. I’m grateful).

I spoke at the conference in the morning and that night I went to a dinner reception with the conference attendees. While I was at the dinner, a couple of the board members for the organization that had hired me to speak asked if they could talk with me for a few moments.

I felt like I was in trouble.

I had no idea why I’d be in trouble but hearing those words ‘we’d like to speak with you for a few moments’ brought up that feeling.

I followed them to a room away from the reception hall. I felt like I was going to the principals office (obviously I have a lot of memories of this!)

When I sat down they looked at me and were quiet for a moment.

I felt even more nervous.

Then one of them spoke. “We have received so much positive feedback from the conference attendees about your talk today, Kristin. It was an incredible talk! We knew it would be. That’s why we’d hired you. So we’d like to book you for next year’s conference. We’d like to fly you to San Antonio, Texas, to speak at the 2013 conference.”

Here’s a short snippet of my talk on You Tube: Kristin speaking at the conference in Las Vegas.

Life has been a bit of a (mostly good) whirlwind since I’ve been back from my 7-month sojourn. 

Blogging has been put on the back burner and will be for a few more weeks. I’ll be speaking at a conference in Las Vegas at the end of the month so I’ve been gearing up for that. My first paid public speaking event!

I’ll be speaking on goal setting and how to achieve business and life goals. A lot of my coaching clients will be at the business conference and it will be the first time I’ll see them face-to-face (all of my clients are via phone).

Just wanted to check in and say HELLO and wish you a very Happy Unleashed New Year!

2012 is going to be a good year. I can feel it.

Warmly,

Kristin

Hi. It’s me. Kristin.

(Not quite as unleashed as I was a few months ago and feeling a bit younger than I have in awhile as you can see from the picture above.)

The past few weeks have been a slew of activity. So many small and large work details to take care of and feeling like not a lot of time to do them. Is it just me or is the pace of American life really, really fast?!

Let’s take a moment to breathe together, shall we?

breathe

breathe

breathe

Okay, that’s better…

The last few weeks have been filled with some challenges: having to fire/hire people. Uggh. And then odd and somewhat dramatic things happening in my work that I had to deal with quickly when really I felt like a deer in the headlights -my brain and spirit felt a bit paralyzed after months of not working…

Working intensely after not working at all for many months has been like…hmmm…what has it been like?

…like trying to run a marathon after being a coach potato for months.

(Not that I want you to feel sorry for me, mind you. I can hear your thoughts now “Poor Kristin, having to work after her 8-month sabbatical. Let me get my violin out.”)

It’s just that working again has been like going to boot camp, is all I’m trying to say.

And in the midst of all of the intense work-related stuff I’ve also been working on my second book and creating a logo/tagline/website for the new business I’m creating.

Thankfully those particular parts of my work are really creative and fun and fill me with aliveness.

When I was in Bali I started saying this affirmation a few times a day:

I experience happy surprises.

And I began to have really cool things happen. I found money (lots of it) on the street (a couple of times!) I ran into people that I really wanted to connect with. Strangers in restaurants invited me to try bites of their yummy dessert. Things that I needed were given to me (without my asking). Etc. Etc.

So after all the unhappy work surprises started happening I pulled out the old trusty Bali mantra, dusted it off and began saying it again.

And then: someone recently posted a positive video review about my book on You Tube which caused book sales to rise this weekend. I got asked to be a guest business blogger for a few websites which helps me develop my ‘platform’. The photographer who took my book cover photo last time offered to shoot my upcoming book cover photo for free if she can use the pictures for stock photos (you betcha!). My fisherman neighbor began bringing me fresh salmon, halibut and crab on a weekly (and sometimes twice-weekly) basis. I began having powerful dreams about beautiful houses which has prompted me to begin taking steps toward buying a house.

And in the midst of all these challenging and exciting things, finding moments of much-needed peace and serenity through: hikes in the woods, bike rides to the Good Earth for lunch and grocery shopping, Sunday night group meditations, and heartfelt connection with dear friends and my various communities. I feel like these things have held me through the work challenges of the past few weeks.

All in all, I’m grateful.

And, I have to say, really surprised at how happy I continue to feel about being back in Marin in spite of the recent work intensity and challenges.

That’s one of the happiest surprises of all.

I’ve been back from Bali for 1o days now and I keep checking my emotions and asking myself:

Am I really okay being here in America?

And the answer is:

YES. I am.
Which surprises me.

Last year when I returned I felt like I’d been plucked out of paradise and placed in the center of Highway 101 during rush-hour traffic.

It was a challenging adjustment.

This reentry, I am delighted to say,  feels like I’ve been plucked (carefully) out of paradise and placed on a human-sized, love-filled cotton ball.

This time it’s been such a gentle, easy and loving reentry.

I test out the italicized thought “Am I really okay being in America?” multiple times a day; the way someone who broke their leg a year ago might test out their now-healed leg: Can I really walk on this? Without pain? Is it really okay to walk?

My testing-out thoughts come in the form of: Is it really okay that life is much quieter here? Is it okay that a lot of my friends are really busy here? That self care costs a lot more? That there aren’t rice fields around?

Here: my neighborhood doesn’t have more people out on the street than in the houses, there aren’t a million social things to choose from in one day -at least not since I’ve been back. I’m getting some but not tons of daily text and phone messages the way I did from all of my Bali friends (who, just like me, weren’t working). Massages are $100 here instead of $8. We have hills and trees here instead of rice fields.

Is all of that really okay?

Yes.

It is okay that I’m here.

I walked on my beloved Gold Hill trail the day after I returned and I felt the odd -and wonderful- feeling of the California earth and air. The smells and sounds of nature were different than I’ve been used to in Bali. I could feel -and this sounds so odd- how very much of a California Girl I am. I could feel how at home I am as I hiked the dusty trail and smelled the rich California earth.

I could feel how right it is for me to be back in California. Where I was born and raised.

And today I could feel how right it is that I’m working again (today was my first day).

It’s all okay.

I have had brief twinges of longing for Bali. Slightly longer twinges of missing my Bali friends and all the fun activities going on there.

I could indulge in those sad thoughts.

Of longing. Of missing.

But I choose not to. Instead I focus on how grateful I am to have had the experience to travel for so long (7 months). And gratitude for all that I have here. My wonderful tribe of Bay Area friends. My brother and my nieces whom I adore (and who I had dinner with last week). The yummy social stuff here and my always-solid community of dear loved ones that nourish my soul.

Remembering all of these things helps get me present and to be grateful here. In this moment. In this American reality.

I started work today but not before experiencing some challenging feelings around returning to work after all this time.

What helped me get grounded and grateful was remembering how lucky I am to have a job to come back to. Lots of people travel to experience the freedom that I experienced but they don’t come back to stability like I am able to do. I’m fortunate to be able to have both.

Freedom and roots.

It’s a great combo.

Anyway, I started my first workday in many months today with a short meditation (very short, maybe a minute) and a long hike (very long, maybe over an hour) and then I got down to it.

Before I started working I remembered what Sarah had said last night when I told her I wanted to experience ease and flow in my first workday today.

“And how about experiencing fun too?” she suggested.

“What a great idea,” I replied.

So I decided to experience ease, flow and fun in my workday today and with that intention, I did: I got all three.

In spades.

It was a great day and yes, it feels good to be here.

In America.

I’ll be returning to California in less than a week.

I’ve been in deep gratitude for the experience of being able to travel for 7 months. So, so grateful…

Experiencing this deep gratitude makes it easier to say goodbye to all these dear people I’ve met and easier to say goodbye to the beautiful and magical island of Bali. If I’m not in gratitude over this incredible experience I notice my emotion sways to sadness which makes it challenging to stay present while I’m still here.

So I choose the attitude of gratitude.

It’s easier all around.

I had a dream a couple of nights ago that I was in a movie theater in San Francisco. Three Bay Area women I know were seated behind me. They showed me something that was written in a combination of Indonesian and English. I could understand all of it.

I like to think of that dream as representing integration. I’m hoping that when I return to California that I won’t have that deep longing for Bali that I had last year when I returned. It made it a bit challenging to appreciate California while being there.

A woman I know who lives part-time in Holland and part-time in Bali experienced a shift when she went back to Holland last year. Normally she’s experienced grief at being away from Bali but this last time she was able to fully enjoy herself in her native country. “I appreciated Holland for Holland and Bali for Bali. I didn’t try to make Holland into Bali. I allowed Holland to be Holland. And because of that I had a smooth and easeful transition back to Holland for the first time in my life.”

I’m following her example and have decided to let the Bay Area be the Bay Area. To not try to make it in to Bali. Which is like trying to make a cat be a dog or vice versa.

My Bali social schedule has gotten even more ramped up than usual the past week in order to get more time in with all the wonderful souls that I’ve met here in Ubud. The people of Ubud are like a bountiful buffet table–so many wonderful varieties to appreciate and enjoy. And, for me, the table is about to be dismantled and there are so many yummies on there!

I want to put as many of these wonderful people on my social plate and enjoy them all -one more time- before I leave.

…And I look forward to seeing the amazing souls that I know and love in California when I return.

What does it mean to truly forgive?

Different people have been coming to mind these past few weeks…people that I want to forgive and people whose forgiveness I’d like to receive.

A friend and I were discussing forgiveness the other day and my friend asked me, “Do you hold grudges?”

I thought about it for at least a minute, wanting to answer anything but the truth but finally I did reply honestly and said,“Yes.”

(It hurt to hear myself say that out loud.)

I’ve had the opportunity to get to know two incredible women here in Bali who embody how life-giving forgiveness can be.

I think about Felice who lost her two daughters in an airplane crash a few years ago and Diane whose fiance was killed in an auto accident. Both could easily be bitter and angry at the people and events that caused their losses. Yet both are soft-hearted, radiant, and love-filled women. When I asked both these women how they were able to move on they said they had to let it go (forgive) as holding on would eventually kill them emotionally or physically.

For the last few weeks I’ve been mulling over what forgiveness means to me and how I can truly forgive. After picking the angel card ‘forgiveness’ 3 times in 3 days (!) I realize it’s time for me to discover how I can truly forgive.

Here’s what arose from my heart to my pen:

Forgiveness is bending and twisting and being flexible in order to let the something that wants to stick on my heart slide gently off my back.

Forgiveness means having the capacity –the spaciousness in my heart- to soften and melt instead of harden and stiffen.

Forgiveness is flexibility not rigidity. It is strength not weakness.

Forgiveness is holding something to the Light and really asking myself: ‘Does this truly bother me or am I just want to carry a grudge because I think I should or because it’s comfy to nurse a resentment in my heart?’

Forgiveness is harmony. Inner harmony with self and outer harmony with others.

It’s allowing mistakes to happen and knowing that mistakes will sometimes hurt me while also realizing that mistakes by humans are a fact of life.

Reality check: sometimes people will hurt me.

Sometimes people will hurt me on purpose, other times by accident. Regardless of the motive, I truly am, at the deepest level, hurting myself when I nurse those grudges and resentments. So I then experience two pains: the initial hurt and the holding on.

Ouch times two.

And even if they did hurt me on purpose, forgiveness is getting, truly getting, that they did the best they could at the time.

Forgiveness is freedom.

To not forgive is to carry a backpack filled with stones around for miles and miles and miles…

Forgiveness means saying YES to myself, to people, to life. It is an open gate to inner and outer freedom. Forgiveness is letting go of control. It is trusting that I will be okay even (especially?) when I fully let go.

It is allowing and truly stepping in to an expansive life filled with connection and love.

Forgiveness means a new beginning. Letting go of the past. Not just talking about letting go of the past but truly letting it GO.

Forgiveness is open space, open mind, to see people and myself in a new way. To experience us all in a new way.  It is kindness to myself and another. It is getting that we are all human and doing the best we can.

Forgiveness is dropping the sword and picking up a flute instead.

Forgiveness is fluid flexibility. Being able to see things and people from different angles. Looking at the incident from different perspectives the way one might look at a diamond. Looking straight on doesn’t reveal the light, the color. But from different vantage points the facets reveal something beautiful.

Forgiveness means dropping it, whatever the ‘it’ is.

Forgiveness is not about burying the hatchet for then it is always accessible with a shovel. It is about putting the resentment in the incinerator and disintegrating the ‘it’ once and for all, never to return again.

The incinerator is love. The love of the heart combined with awareness, flexibility and curiosity will cause the resentment to melt, never to return again.

Forgiveness is choosing life. It is saying no to being half-dead and YES to living full on, full out, no barriers to being happy, joyous and free.

Forgiveness is a choice. It is choosing to love. It is active, not passive. Passivity is holding on which is often easier than the action of letting go when one is nursing a resentment or a grudge.

Forgiveness is life-filled. It is taking the higher road. The one that requires more effort but ultimately leads to more freedom and joy.

Forgiveness is self-love. It is choosing love for myself over pain and darkness.

It is choosing to let go of those weights and stones so that I can dance through life easily and effortlessly.

Forgiveness is an open heart that is vast enough to hold life’s pain and life’s joy.

Forgiveness grows the heart. It is the key to expanding the capacity to love and to love deeply.

Forgiveness is getting, really getting that you are me and I am you. I’ve done what I perceive that you’ve done at some point in my life even if it didn’t take the exact form it took with you.

I’ve done what you’ve done in my thoughts or through actions or words.

Forgiveness is pure, undiluted love.

One of my longtime friends, Elaine, emailed me a few days ago and asked me:

~ Let go. Don’t hold on so tight. Release the reins of life. Let your trip (and life) have its way with you. Letting go of control will allow your trip to reveal what it wants to reveal to you. Enjoy the exhilarating ride.

(It’s funny, even this blog is forcing me to let go! The next four paragraphs are stuck together. I’ve tried for 20 minutes to put a space between each of them but the blog won’t let me. I’ve got to let go of the way I think things ’should’ look…even on this blog…)

~ Eat lots of local food and the food that you most enjoy. Eat without guilt. Life (and food) are meant to be fully enjoyed. If not now, when?

~ Even (especially?) during extended travel one needs lots of downtime. Allow yourself to spend a whole day in bed without showering. Stay in pjs. Without guilt. Order room service. Enjoy your day in bed with the guiltless food mentioned above if you like.

~ Laugh a lot. Especially at yourself and especially when you don’t feel like laughing. Especially then.

~ You are crazy if you think traveling for an extended period of time is easy. It’s not. You will be challenged on inner and outer levels that you didn’t even know you had. That’s okay. It’s part of the journey. Relax into it as much as you can.

~ If you are traveling alone it’s inevitable that you you will get lonely on your trip. When you do get lonely, grab the phone and call a local or long-distance friend. Or just step out the door and smile and talk to a stranger or an animal.

~ The Internet rarely helps cure loneliness. Often it makes loneliness worse. Use it sparingly. Be around real live people instead.

~ Sometimes loneliness needs to be felt and not shoved away with people or activities. Learn to gauge when those times are. Exploring the loneliness instead of pushing it away will cultivate deep intimacy and connection with yourself that will sustain you during future challenges.

~ Prayer and meditation really do help calm the mind. Do it for at least 20 minutes every day to maintain sanity (and connection with self and your Higher Power).

~ Just like you, people everywhere want and yearn to connect at that deep heart level. Slowing down will allow them to see your heart and allow you to see theirs. Remember that seeing each others hearts is all that matters anyway.

~ Do as the locals do to experience maximum enjoyment and freedom in a place. (When in Rome: eat lots of pasta. When in Bali: smile a lot for no reason, ride motorcycles without a helmet, don’t take life so seriously, be late to events because nothing starts on time and you’ll look silly arriving on time anyway. When in India: eat with your hands. Wear a Bindi on your forehead. Get your nose pierced. Don’t worry about wheat allergies-if you don’t eat at least one piece of naan you’ll end up regretting it.

~ Remain calm. No matter what. Even when the taxi driver says he definitely knows where a place is (Me: “I need to go to a shop that sells mosquito nets. Do you know where I can find a mosquito net for sale, Mr. Taxi Driver?’” Taxi Driver, nodding enthusiastically, says: ‘Yes, yes, I do know where to find mosquito net!’)

…and then after 25 minutes of driving around in what feels like circles, and you have to go to the bathroom and you are cranky from hunger and you still haven’t gotten to your destination…just then when you are wondering where the heck you are, the taxi driver looks over his shoulder and says, “So the place we are going is called ‘Mosquito Net’?”

Especially then. Remain calm.

Thanks for this question, Elaine! It was fun to think about what I’ve learned on my travels…

Love,

Kristin

Diane, one of our Soul Sofa Tribe members left yesterday. Back to Los Angeles after being here for 3 months. Wah.

I miss her already.

me and Diane

She’s such a bright light. Wide open heart. Gorgeous soft sweet presence.

She’s definitely one of the comfy cushions of our Soul Sofa Tribe.

Here’s something to know about Ubud: The expats who live here often ask how long you are staying before they let you into their heart.

If you are staying for a long time (6 months or more) you are more apt to be let in.

I can understand why…

I’ve had to say goodbye to a lot of yummy people on this trip and let me tell you, it’s tough saying goodbye over and and over and over.

At least it is for this girl.

And it’s been a powerful lesson in non-attachment and letting go. It’s also helped me trust that the connections of the heart transcend wherever one is in the world.

Whenever any of our friends leaves Ubud we have a going away party for them so there are often many going away parties happening in any given week.

I like that tradition.

It’s so honoring of the person who touched our lives whether it be for 2 weeks or 2 months…

This is the party that we had for Diane a few days ago:

Diane's Going Away Party

Zuri had a t-shirt made for Diane that said “Soul Tribe 2011″ on the front and included all the words we’d used to describe Ubud on the back:

synchronicity

flow

love

spirituality

connection

and others that I can’t remember.

In our writing circle we’ve had quite a few discussions about how when one of us leaves to go ‘back home’ it’s not really going back but rather a returning. Or a going forward.

People (including myself) experience so many inner shifts in Ubud that going back in the same state that one left in is near impossible.

So if you email me asking ‘When are you coming back?’ you will find me responding, ‘I’m returning in September.’

Brief moment of solitude in Ubud

I’ve had more than a few Ubud friends say to me, “I’m so much more social here than I am at home.”

Me too. It seems I’ve now turned into a social butterfly.

My calendar is filled with more people and activities and parties and events and dinners than I often know what to do with. And since I don’t have a calendar my activities are either in my head or on a sheet of paper which, as of yesterday, I seem to have lost.

Uh-oh.

It’s a lot of connection with lots of people and also really feels right and energizing. The joke around Ubud is that we need a vacation from our vacation. Ubud is that chock-full of stuff to do and people to see and events to attend and well, you get the picture…

And when it gets to be too much for this butterfly I put my phone in the drawer (note: if I’m not answering, that’s what’s up). I then curl up in my extra large cushy villa to watch movies, have food delivered, make popcorn, read, swim, take baths, sleep.

The next day I usually wake up ready to dive into the next social activity.

Not working helps one become a social butterfly for sure. As does not having any of the earthly responsibilities like cleaning the house, cooking or laundry, and paying bills. Yes, not paying bills definitely helps.  (Don’t worry, my bills are getting paid, it’s just that my assistant is doing that while I’m away. Might have her continue doing this when I get back. I realize I really like not paying bills.)

The current group of friends that has taken shape around me in Ubud feels so right. We just gel. There is a feeling of YES with these people, these loving souls from around the world that I get to call friends (lucky me).

They are helping to make this the trip of a lifetime. Without them Ubud would just be a place. A lovely, lush, spiritual place but just a place. Enjoying all that Ubud has to offer with these friends opens up my whole experience of Bali into a more full and rich experience.

I had a tribe early on in my trip in Bali but people in that tribe left the island and things shifted.

When this happened I felt lonely and prayed for people that I really resonated with and who I could sink into.

People that felt like comfy sofas to my soul.

Soul sofas.

Yes, that’s what I needed.

In a short amount of time, I got that.

Lunch

I’m so very grateful.

Tribe (with two on the left who just couldn't resist the Soul Sofa)

I have had so many moments of, ‘When I’m 80 I’m going to remember this Bali trip and be so happy I got to experience that.”

And the thing is I’m so aware these days of how very precious it is to be here now. I’m appreciating most of these beautiful moments in the moment they are happening.

In real time. Not having to look back (though I’m sure I will) and say, “God, those were the good old days.”

I’m aware that these are the GOOD OLD DAYS. Right here, right now. In this moment in time. With these people who have managed to get their butts to Ubud too so that we could all converge at the same time, in the same place.

Thank God!

When I’m 80-

I’m going to remember walking in the rice fields with Diane and talking about what and who brings heart and meaning to our lives.

I’m going to remember sipping wine on Adam’s rooftop deck overlooking Ubud and feeling total and utter peace about my life.

I’m going to remember swimming with Robin in my pool and then us taking a hot bath in the garden bath tub in our swimsuits.

I’m going to remember movie night at the Yoga Barn with the Tribe and eating so much popcorn I felt a bit sick afterward. But it was totally worth it.

I’m going to remember lunches and great conversation at my favorite table at Tut-Mak with Chess and that to-die-for chicken salad that I never get tired of.

I’m going to remember Dream Group with Jane and sharing our dreams and getting deep insights into my inner world.

I’m going to remember Tarra doing Reiki on me and feeling her warm hug that night that I really needed it.

I’m going to remember going to Clear Cafe with Christine and Amber and feeling a synergy of love and connection.

Me and Christine

I’m going to remember having everyone over for Writers Group on Wednesdays and Saturdays and opening our hearts through sharing what our brains, pens and computers came up with.

I’m going to remember that moment with Zuri where we both felt safe enough to cry about losing our moms at a young age.

I’m going to remember Jen’s party and how we left scratching our heads wondering, “Why was that party so great?” We all had the sense that it was one of the best parties ever but we still don’t know why. The only conclusion we’ve come to so far is that it was probably Jen working her hospitality magic as only she can.

I’m going to remember the dinner picnic on Emilie’s living room floor in her artsy Om Villa and eating salad with our fingers and the flowers she always wore in her hair, each and every time I saw her.

Emilie and me (and her large flower which deserves a mention)

I’m going to remember, I’m going to remember, I’m going to remember.

Yes I am.

Last Thursday we went on a road trip to the hot springs in Lovina for Jane’s birthday.

13 of us. 2 cars and 2 drivers.

Road trip with soul sofa tribe.

We laughed and played games and sang songs and scrunched up in the car together and just had a fabulous time.

It was so much fun.

We started early in the morning and came back late at night. We were blissed out. All of us talked about it. About how much we had enjoyed ourselves and each others company.

We are now talking about a trip to the sea for a few days next week…

And now, I need to end this as I have a friend coming over for dinner in a few minutes.

Such is the (wonderful) life of this social butterfly in Bali.

In my last blog post I wrote about wanting to stay in Bali longer. Well, I worked things out so I could be here until mid-September. I’m so grateful to have given myself the gift of 2 more months here in Bali.

I also wrote a little about the simple room with beautiful view that I’ve been living in for the past four months.

Small rooms and small houses are typically appealing to me. There is a cozy quality to them that has felt comfortable. Big houses and big rooms have felt a bit too cavernous.

So I’ve been pretty happy in my simple little room. It’s comfortable and familiar.

But the past couple of weeks a few of my friends here in Ubud began to find these gems to live in:

Tarra found an incredibly private and quiet house with a Balinese temple and rice fields in her backyard. Diane moved into a beautiful villa with a bathtub that could (quite comfortably) hold three of us-no problem. Zuri got an Eat, Pray, Love house with hardly any walls and luscious nature all around. Chess found a villa that he can barely talk about without grinning from ear-to-ear. And of course Robin has her elegant yet homey villa.

And then there was me.

In my simple room with a nice view. On a nice street that I love with my rice field walk at the end of the lane. It feels comfortable and familiar there but…

It comes with:

a bathroom that smells a bit because they never clean it very well.

a lumpy bed that hurts my back.

a pillow that isn’t comfortable yet I keep putting up with.

sighs from the owner when I need more toilet paper. (Excuse me?! I’m a woman. Hello.)

After hearing my friends gush about their new villas or (even more challenging) visiting them in their villas I’d come home to my simple little room and look around and think, “This isn’t doing it for me anymore. I want luxury. I want beauty. I want elegance. I want a bathtub. I don’t want a stinky bathroom or a lumpy bed anymore.”

Last Monday things came to a head:

1) I went out to dinner with my friends and it seemed all they could talk about (bless their little hearts) were their villas. (At one point I said to everyone, “I’m realize I’m jealous when I hear you talk about your villas.” It felt good to tell the truth about it and hearing myself say it made me aware that I’m the only one who is forcing me to stay in my somewhat-stinky, small room (with nice view).

2) I came home late that same night and asked my landlord for toilet paper and he sighed the biggest sigh ever. He then commented on how I’m staying in high season for low season price and that I had to leave and find a new place to live. I convinced him that I needed to stay as I didn’t have another place to go and it was high season. He reluctantly said I could stay until September. This was at 10:30 at night.

3) I was awake from midnight to 5am due to loud music a few doors down.

Since I couldn’t sleep due to the music and my hamster brain, I wrote in my journal about wanting to find a new home.

Here’s what I wrote at about 3:00 am:

I want to stay in a gorgeous place for the rest of my time in Bali. That would be a gift to myself. I’m trusting that the right house will call me and forces will line up to make that happen. I’m completely trusting that. Being here in this small room feels like contraction. I want to expand. I’m ready for expansion. I’ve experienced expansion inside of me thanks to my inner and outer experiences in India and Bali and I’m ready to experience that expansion in a home now.

The energy I want in my new home is: expansive, open, light-filled, peaceful, private, soothing, abundant.

I want my new home to have:

-garden bathtub

-WiFi so I can Skype with my friends in California

-maid 3x a week at a time that is convenient for me when I’m gone

-ultra quiet

-gorgeous nature view

-meditative space

-beautiful and elegant

-a price I can easily afford

-10 minute bike ride into town

-bed for lounging outside

-Bonus: a pool would be nice

And then I wrote: I can see, picture and feel it and so it is out there waiting for me.

Now the above may not seem like a hard thing to manifest in Bali but here’s the thing: it just became high season in Bali. Suddenly there are barely any crappy rooms left let alone really nice places at a good price. It’s a Joseph-and-Mary-looking-for-a-manger kind of a deal right now.

Not the best time to look for a beautiful villa at an affordable price.

But in spite of knowing that I began looking. And looking. And looking. I would feel discouraged when I would see so many houses that were so not what I was looking for. Some moments I would slip into a house coma where I was simply living/eating/breathing finding a new house. Other times I’d be buoyed by feeling into the house that, deep down, I knew was waiting for me to find it.

I had the sense that these ‘breakdowns’ with my small room was a boot from the Universe and Bali to move me into a more abundant, beautiful space.

I also became aware of my hidden resistance to finding a great place because then, I thought, it will be really tough to go back to California. Bali has been so mind and heart-opening amazing already. If I move into a gorgeous place with a comfy bed and a non-stinky bathroom how will I ever pull myself away to return to California?

I became consciously willing to enjoy a great place and to be aware that leaving that great place in September may bring up some uncomfortable feelings.

Oh well.

It’s worth it for 2 months of bliss in a gorgeous place.

And here’s the cool thing: once I started looking for the house I could feel it. Not all the time but some of the time. Even though it wasn’t yet in my physical reality.

It was a really cool experience.

I stopped calling what I was doing ‘house hunting’ because that implied violence. No, what I was doing was aligning with what I knew was already out there waiting for me.

I tell friends this all the time: if you want to manifest something, anything, then take action and let go. It’s simple but not always easy if you are very attached to getting what you want when you want it (which, personally, I usually am).

Manifestation is about finding that fine line between action and surrender.  If I can get into that sweet spot of surrender and I take inspired actions around it then I WILL MANIFEST WHATEVER IT IS I AM WANTING.

Getting to that sweet spot sounds simple. And maybe for some it is. For me, not so easy…

But I could feel myself doing it. Action/surrender. Action/surrender. Action/surrender. A dance between two polar (for me anyway) opposites.

So:

Tuesday: I look at many rentals, all of which are completely not what I want and too expensive.

Wednesday: I look at many rentals, all of which are completely not what I want and too expensive. At dinner a friend casually mentions a villa he’d looked at and loved but he’d decided to go with one that was a little lower priced.  I felt my body respond to this villa when he talked about it. I felt a rush of energy. A quiet YES inside.

Thursday morning: I look at the villa and fall completely, head-over-heels in love with it. Completely. At one point I realize that I’d been to a party at this villa last year and had been blown away at that time by the spaciousness and beauty of this place.

It had everything on my wishlist including a bed outside, a meditation/dance room with 40-foot tall ceiling and not one, but two incredible garden bathtubs (!) and a gorgeous infinity pool (my bonus item).

I offer the Balinese brothers who own the villa less than half of what they are asking.

It’s what I feel I want to pay given it is nearing the end of my trip (and even the amount I’ve offered is pushing it a bit) but what the hell. I’m in Bali. It’s an incredible villa and worth even more than they were originally asking per month.

They say they need to think about it. I drive away. I have the taxi driver turn around and I offer exactly half of what they are asking. They tell me they need think about it and will call me in the afternoon.

They don’t call me in the afternoon. I pace around a bit and then I call them.

“We are 75% sure that we will rent to you. We will let you know in the morning,” is what they said.

(I wasn’t surprised. This happens to me when I want something. My life lesson is patience. Shit. I hate that life lesson. Can I trade for yours? Right now?!)

Inside of myself I could mostly feel that the house was mine. There was a slight twinge of ‘what if I don’t get it?’ but mostly I could see myself living there, holding our Ubud writing circle there, having parties, spending delicious meditative and quiet time with myself, reading in one of the 4 beautiful beds, etc, etc, etc.

Friday morning: They don’t call. I pace around and then I call them.

“Just checking to see if I can rent the house?” I say, trying not to sound too eager.

“You come over,” the landlord says.

“Okay, I come over and bring deposit,” I say.

“No, you come over. We talk first. No deposit. First we talk,” he says.

Oh yes, this isn’t America. This is Bali where you talk a lot and things take time. Oops. I forgot. Thanks for the reminder.

“Okay,”I say.

I bring as much cash as I can stuff in my purse for a deposit.

I walk up to the gate and I can feel it. It’s where I’m going to be living for the next 2 months. I’m not feeling cocky, there is simply a surety within myself. And a connection to this beautiful house.

I see the landlord.

“Okay, you can rent the house,” he says.

This was our talk? But I haven’t said a word.

Instead I smile.

“Thank you,” I say.

I give him the deposit money and he writes out a receipt. “I hope you be very happy here,” my new landlord says kindly as he hands me the receipt.

Two little Balinese kids huddle around the table watching us exchange the cash and the receipt. They giggle.

I do too.

I’m still giggling.

And pinching myself. And hooping and hollering in this very big house that is beyond my wildest dreams.

Manifestation of wishlist villa from start to finish: 3.5 days.

Thanks Bali!

Driveway to villa

Dreamy villa garden on overcast day

Garden fountain

Happy Buddha, Happy Kristin

Bonus Villa Item: Pool

Overlooking the rice fields...

First kitchen in 5 months. (It's like riding a bike, right?)

Living Room/Dining Room

Bedroom #1

Stairway to Heaven

Meditation/Dance/Living (really living) Room

Bedroom #2

Bedroom #3

Garden Bathtub #1

(Outdoor) Bedroom #4

Garden Bathtub #2

Forgot to mention that there are beautiful rice fields outside my windows and a bunch of ducks that live there.

And many frogs.

And fireflies.