a nuttier life

my life...

2012-05-21T13:32:00.000-05:00

I know I have been sporadic and cryptic in my posts lately and I am not sure when I can, or will, give more details as to what has been happening in my world. Just know that I am going through lots and lots of changes and when I finally can talk more about you will understand.

On a positive note my work situation improved eleventy billion vermillion percent. Seriously y'all it is like night and day. I felt like a member of the team from DAY ONE and I feel like my opinion is actually valued. This is HUGE. I know that I will be insanely busy, but it will be a good busy...I was already pulled into a few meetings which was awesome. I am sure later I will be cursing them, nah, but for now I am basking in the awesomeness that is my new job.

For not so positive notes...well, I don't even know how to talk about it, but not talk about it...Sigh. Soon, I promise.

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a fantastic Monday! I am looking forward to Friday since I'll be getting my brother from the Navy for the weekend and we will head up to Bremond so he can visit with everyone before he ships off! Which means more time with my sister!! YAY :)

Speaking of which...here are some of my favorite shots I took of her on Prom day (unedited, straight from the camera)...isn't she so beautiful???

first day...

2012-05-14T14:38:00.001-05:00

It's a very surreal feeling to be back to the land of the blue horse. I cannot believe this day is here. I went through orientation this morning, have my cube (minus a few walls at the moment), computer and have been trying to get reacquainted with everything (and everyone).

The nerves (of being good enough {or better}) are still with me, but I am more than comfortable in my new environment...thanks to the amazing people I am here with! I feel so at peace about this decision that I know it was the move I needed to make! I cannot wait to see where this takes me!!

I will say I have been giggling all day because this morning I took my ID photo...I looked cute, but you can totally see the peppermint I had in my mouth....seriously, only something I would do...

pondering...

2012-05-08T23:06:00.001-05:00

What does my future hold? What do I want? What do I need?

I have been thinking about this a LOT lately. Especially since the talk last Monday. It's been a week. A week since the weight has been lifted. A week since I finally felt like I was being honest with myself.

The key to my future is happiness.

I have lived WAY TOO LONG without being happy. I am way too young not to be able to have happiness. Not to be able to enjoy life.

I want to live a life full of love, happiness, joy and unrestrained bliss. I deserve a life like this. Everyone does.

Too long I have sacrificed myself...I have become a person I don't even recognize. Slowly, but surely, I am gaining pieces of me back. Brick by brick..piece by piece...I am coming back. I will never let myself become THAT person again.

Rediscovering my love of music has helped me start finding my true self again. Confident, secure, loving, caring, compassionate, HAPPY.

I know that my world is never going to be the same. Yet I have a strange peace about it. I am excited to see what is going to happen. I know it is going to be something AMAZING...I cannot wait.

old is new...

2012-05-04T21:43:00.001-05:00

today was my last day of work at my old job...in a little over a week, I walk back into the company I began my career almost 14 years ago.

It's a bittersweet day for me. So many things are changing...many things I haven't even mentioned on here yet...and probably can't bring myself to for a while.

I have been journaling pretty much daily. It's become quite therapeutic for me. I have never been much of a journaler...you see how well I update my blog. :)

I know that changes happen for a reason...things must change to grow...and you have to grow to live. My life is about to do a lot of changing and I'm scared...but excited...

I know I'm being vague...but it's all I can handle saying now...

change...

2012-05-01T14:18:00.003-05:00

{via}

joy rides...

2012-04-26T15:16:00.001-05:00

I love how excited that Zuker gets for the smallest things...me coming home...going for a ride...getting fed...being taken on a walk.

We could learn from her joy. I could learn from her joy.

Lately, I have been trying to find the things that use to make me happy and trying them out again. Somewhere along the way I lost me...and I am finally starting to unwrap my outer shell and find me again.

I am sitting out in the sun more, I am reading more, I am rediscovering my love of music, I am playing saxophone, I am smiling...

It's a start.

that's saxy...

2012-04-24T08:45:00.000-05:00

I know I have been talking about picking back up my saxophone for years, but last night I did it. I dusted off the case of the sax I bought well over a year ago {and only played once}...found all my old music...and played.

My talent is no where close to what it use to be, but strangely by the end of the hour{ish} I was playing I started to feel {and hear} things fall back into place. I know it'll be a while before my lip/tongue/lungs are back in playing shape, but for now, I'm happy with the little bit of playing I am getting to do.

I decided not to waste my time {and possibly discourage me} by going through old practice books...I found the piece of music that was my favorite audition piece throughout high school...I won many a seats on honor bands {ATSSB & Centex} and it was a fun/fast piece to play, so I played it.

It was {to me} a little pitiful, but you know what, I didn't care. My heart was happy. My heart felt the music. By the time I stopped playing, I knew that my passion for it had been reinvigorated. I have my musical outlet back. I have my drive for playing back. I found a way for my heart to speak to the world...

geek out moments from TLA12...

2012-04-23T16:27:00.001-05:00

Last week I got to go to TLA 2012 here in Houston...I had a LOT of fun and met a TON of authors and awesome bloggers. Highlights included: Meeting John Green (and getting a photo with him) and meeting Veronica Roth (and getting my copy of Insurgent).

Veronica Roth signing my copy of INSURGENT!!!

SEE me with my copy of Insurgent!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you tell I'm excited?

John FREAKING Green!!!

Geoff Herbach

Megan Miranda

Kate Ellison

Maggie Stiefvater!!

for more about the awesome books I read, make sure you follow my book blog {I promise I'll be updating it more frequently}.

my yay i got a new job bag...

2012-04-22T20:46:00.001-05:00

soon, this little baby will be mine...

{via}

It'll be my new 'yay i got a new job bag'. Oh, did I mention...I GOT A NEW JOB!!!!!

Seriously y'all I'm so freaking excited to start a new chapter in my life. I guess technically I'll be reopening an old one, but with the new me. I'm going back to the company I worked for for eight years before I switched to the commercial real estate industry almost six years ago.

This job will be a huge change for me (no graphic design and very little marketing) since I will be working in the proposals department. I know the manager (he's actually who initially hired me) and will be working with some of my friends!! I will share more about the job once I'm there.

I gave my notice on Friday...which was met with mixed responses. I was so frustrated that the team's leader made snarky comments about a) my job being able to be done of the same quality as me by someone who just graduated from art school and b) that I was pretty much worthless and brought no benefit to them. Thus the reason for me needing to leave. THEY ARE RIDICULOUS.

They will get a HUGE reality check once my two weeks are over. I was so sick of never feeling part of their team and my notice just proved I made the right choice. I only wish I had made it sooner.

I am excited for my future (for the first time in a while)...

{semi-wordless wednesday} true words...

2012-04-04T16:29:00.001-05:00

INKspirations...

2012-03-29T16:10:00.000-05:00

I've been planning my shoulder piece for a LONG time and I am still not sure exactly what I want for it...I will share my inspiration board with you soon...I am also working on an option to expand on the one I already have...

But until I share those, I have a few other small ones that I am DYING to get...and soon...that I want to share...

{this is probably next...I just cannot quite figure out where...thinking ankle maybe or the back of my neck?}

I am torn between these two {or combination of them} for my left wrist {I want it to be able to be covered when I wear a watch}...

I really want one behind my ear too...just trying to decide what...I find myself sleeping on these things for a LONG time since they are permanent...

{semi-wordless wednesday} the little things...

2012-03-28T10:33:00.001-05:00

currently making me smile...

2012-03-26T16:56:00.000-05:00

I love how Zuker will always find the sunny spaces in our house. She soaks it in and will not move till the sun has left the area...I think I should take each day like her...enjoy the sun...nap...love...find the little things that make life great and grab hold and not let go.

{sweet things saturday} all the saxy ladies...

2012-03-24T11:30:00.000-05:00

in honor of getting the mojo back and wanting to play again I did a fun saxophone treasury I want to share...

Saxophone Collage art pendan... thependantempo... $8.95	Saxophone Personalized Stati... fionadesigns $20.00	Distorted saxophone sculptur... brucegray1 $3000.00
saxophone necklace gold tone babyjewlz $10.00	loves the saxophone. locket ... babyjewlz $16.00	Dachshund Playing a Saxophon... lulunjay $12.49
Saxophone Figurine of Hand B... ProchaskaGalle... $75.00	Running Arpeggios Saxophone ... MusicWineandSo... $6.00	Saxophone Instrument Decal- ... VPDD $9.99
Moanin 8x10 Hand Signed and ... jazzartdesign $15.00	Vintage 800 SILVER Italian M... petitchapelier $45.00	Saxophone - Printed on a Vin... TheLittleRice $10.00
Sax music instrument- Miniat... KRHSvintage $17.00	Saxophone AesthesiaDrift... $64.00	Sax Sketch GiliahLitwack $35.00

Hope you are all having a fantastic weekend...

wondering...

2012-03-23T09:21:00.000-05:00

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if we made different choices? I mean all choices. Like talked to the person at the restaurant who looked like they were having a bad day or deciding to play a sport instead of going out for band or even deciding to hit on a guy you had a crush on.

I don't know why this is what my mind has been thinking lately...but it has been. I think back to my childhood...all the wrong choices I could have made...would they have really been THAT wrong? Would I be at the same place I am in my life? Would I be happier?

I had a shitty childhood {of which you have only read a bit so far}. I know most people do. However we all can decide to overcome what life dealt us or live in it. I wonder what choices I would have made if I had decided to live in it...

I've ran across a few friends from high school recently who did like I did...overcame what cards they were dealt. Made something of their lives. I'm glad they did, they are great people and deserve all the best.

I just wonder now, what I'm doing. I'm wondering what I'm supposed to be doing. How I'm supposed to be acting. Where I'm supposed to go. I feel so crazy lost and I wind up thinking about the past since it's easier than determining {or fixing} the future.

What do I want the future to hold? I don't know...how much is my past going to determine that? I don't know...what will make me happy? God only knows.

As I struggle for life's unattainable goal {for me at least} HAPPINESS I get philosophical. Because no matter what happened I am where I am right now and who I am because of it. But who I want to be next and where I want to be is so hard to determine.

All I know, is that I have to figure out what is best for ME. I too often worry about EVERYONE else and don't take care of myself. I am tired of that. I am ready true happiness.

distractions...

2012-03-22T12:35:00.002-05:00

Do you do like I do? Distract yourself from thinking about life? I decide to do something random instead of trying to fix things. I will watch HIMYM all night instead of dealing with a problem I know I need to tackle. I will read instead of think about all the crap that is wrong.

Why? Mainly because if I can ignore the problem it won't be there. Why? Because I'm too chicken to step up and make changes that sometimes I feel are eminent. Why? I am scared. I am confused. I am lost.

Take away the distractions and what are you left with? I am left with lots of unanswered questions, unknown futures and a life that I have lost control over. I am struggling with my identity.

I was a band geek in high school...it's WHO I was. It is what I was known for. I was good at it. I loved doing it...it was MY distraction then from the shitty home{s} I had...but even though it was my escape, it helped me FEEL and find who I was. Where as all of the crap I do to distract myself now does nothing but makes me so unmotivated to live {not in a kill yourself kind of way - but in a live life kind of way}.

All the book things I have been going to have been great and have gotten me out of my norm...but it's just a "thing"...not something that I can absorb myself into and grasp hold of. Yes, I have writing now {which I am FINALLY wanting to do again}, but it's not the same creative outlet that music was for me. I use to sing and play and I LOVED IT.

I have let that part of myself go...I was burned out, yes, but I have never had anyone in my life that loves music like I do. It is easier when you share something like that with a person who appreciates it. But lately, the desire to play/sing has been creeping in...so much to the point that I am ready to start practicing/playing again.

I am somewhat shaking writing this since it was my PASSION and my LIFE for soooooooooo long. I bought a new {used} saxophone last year thinking that would get me out of my funk...but I haven't been in the right mind-set to pick it up. I played it ONCE in the last year. One time. But I didn't feel it.

I think I'm ready. I am ready to find WHO I am...It scares the shit out of me because I don't know what feelings will be stirred up {music does that to me always - it's why I can listen and absorb a song all day long...I become obsessive with what it brings out in me}.

All I know is the last couple of weeks my normal "distractions" haven't worked for me to turn feelings/thoughts/ideas off and I am ready to start dealing with them. I am ready to start "feeling" again...

I'm just scared...

smiling {which is pretty exciting}...

2012-03-07T15:06:00.000-06:00

It amazes me how I can feel a BILLION times better when I finally sit down and spill my guts. Yesterday was one of those days. I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted mainly because I'm not just holding everything in right now. I am so horrible at that and honestly I guess my "joy" in writing had been gone, but right now, I feel like it's back.

I am excited about finally going back to writing my memoir posts and sharing with you some of the things I've been up to...

doxie snuggles {or more appropriately named, doxie stealing my pashmina}

FREAKS ME OUT EVERY DAY...normally the hoodie is ON like a person

yay for free booze at a spa {you kinda needed it since the people were eh}

SELENA!!!!!! My latest signed book... {by Chris not her obviously}

snagged a photography class from groupon...so excited to learn more

books are finally organized!

craft/guest room is coming together {these are signed books}

finally went to the eye doctor...instead of just glasses I of course had to go all the way and get progressive lenses...getting old is not fun lol

I'm sorry I haven't been around the blogosphere much. I hope to start trying to catch up on everyone's lives...if I missed something monumental please make sure and tell me...I'm happy to be back...

silence...

2012-02-24T12:32:00.000-06:00

Sometimes silence is deafening.

For me it is. For me when I cannot express what is going on in my life, what is swirling around in my head, what I think, what I want, I get frustrated. I know I'm not 100%. I know that I need to get happier.

But really...I'm not happy and I don't know what I need to make me happy. Don't get me wrong, I am not a mopey person. I appear happy. I appear normal. I am one of those "fake it till you make it" type of people. So I smile. Not all the time. At home, alone, I can be me. But really...who am I now.

I feel like I'm insanely philosophical for a Friday. I feel like I should just flip a switch and be ok...technically I am ok. I know this. I just want to be happy. But what that happiness consists of, I am not sure...which as you may guess makes getting there even harder.

I'm not sure, I am making a few changes to see if that will get me to where I need to be...if those don't work, I will make a few more...I just want to be happy...

tiny hearts...

2012-02-10T20:11:00.002-06:00

I have been loving things on Etsy lately...I don't get much time to look right now {especially since work is INSANE}.

I am hoping for things to settle down some soon. Home has been interesting. I feel like I don't have much time at home anymore. I wind up getting home late, spending a little time with the doxies and my brain is so dead when Gene gets home I am in a weird trance.

I am ready for my life to be back to whatever my "normal" is.

{sarah}

I spent time a few weeks ago with my BIL/SIL and their new little girl...I'm not going to lie, my heart broke holding her. I want my happiness back. Now that we are no longer TTC {oh, did I officially mention that?} I don't know who I am or where I fit in anymore.

So, for now, I'm just taking it day-by-day now. It's all I can do. It's all that can be expected of me. I hope my search for me ends up some place awesome. I can only hope...

but enough of the deep thoughts tonight...here's some purty things I need y'all to buy me ;) hehe

tiny origami heart of gold luxely $22.00	Lots of love Tiny Heart Ster... cocowagner $18.50	Tiny Vintage Heart appliqued... exlibrishandma... $8.00
Heart Necklace, Gold - Open ... junghwa $19.00	Fun Set of 5 Wee Hearts for ... MissPottery $15.00	Tiny hearts - earrings junedesigns $16.00
I LOVE YOU - Teeny, Tiny, Va... marcadeartspre... $16.00	ON SALE- Valentine's Day... shlomitofir $27.20	Heart stamp with ink pad deKrantenkappe... $5.00
Tiny Gold Heart Ring diamentdesigns $10.00	Porcelain Mini Heart Magnets... joheckett $22.00	Tiny Hearts Paper Garland Re... 3GIRLSandaGOAT $10.00
White Heart Earrings.. Tiny ... onceuponapeony $4.50	Tiny painted burlap banner w... MirtilloShop $16.00	Tiny Heart Couple Rings Anilani $74.00

some days more than others...

2012-02-08T16:25:00.001-06:00

{via}

well...

2012-02-07T21:04:00.001-06:00

on days like yesterday I really, really have to hope/wish that I was adopted.

I was at work {my sister in tow} and I get a text from my brother stating

"scooter is crying. she's on her way home."

Yes, he calls our mom Scooter {and me mom}. I texted him back and was like 'um, what?' He just replied and said for me to try and call her.

Crap.

So I call, after looking pensively at my sister, who is staring at me in disbelief, and I get.

her: "mumble mumble"

Me: "hey, how's it going?" <<--- see me playing cool?

her: "mumble, mumble, something, mumble It was great mumble, I went to pee at a Chevron mumble, it was amazing there, so much better than here mumble showed up and they were mumble then went next door to the chevron since I made friends with her mumble, I knew David was married I wasn't there for nookie {me almost puking into the phone} the church service was like a rerun I was there to gaze/play {something I have no clue about} mumble it was why I was there and now I'm home I have been driving since twelve {it was 10 now} and I'm tired and I really don't want to talk about it anymore love you bye."

Me staring at the phone in disbelief. I relayed the message to my sister. Her just staring at me.

So, people, she is now back home. Clearly my mother is the ONLY person in the history of the world that was kicked out of a cult. Hell, Manson had his own cult/following. lol

my mom...

2012-02-04T12:45:00.000-06:00

I started writing this last night and finished it today...no matter when it's written, the emotions are raw and probably will stay that way...

-----

Friday night's:
Tonight I'm frustrated. Tonight I'm saddened. Tonight I'm no longer hopeful that the woman whom once birthed me...that once tried to, but failed to, be my mom will be coherent and able to ever be my mom again...no, she isn't dead, she might as well be though. It's been years since I've been able to have a coherent conversation with her. Years.

Tonight I was hoping, praying, that I would be able to see her one last time before she heads off to learn/be taught things from a very scary to read about "church/school". For you see, she leaves tomorrow for Arkansas. Tomorrow. She's been telling us for months that she was leaving in a few weeks. The weeks turned into months. The longer it was postponed the more we kept thinking that it was not going to happen.

And honestly as I write this, mere hours before she is planning on leaving, I still don't know if she will actually get in her car and drive north...But I do know that no matter if/when she leaves she will likely never return.

Saturday morning:
Shockingly she is on the road and heading to her destination. No clue if she will actually arrive. No clue if she is still planning on going through Oklahoma to get to Arkanas. No clue.

When Dominique's dad dropped her off last night to me in Navasota we mused about the woman who has been living in their house. She isn't and hasn't been the woman known as my mom for years. Even in all her years of crazy that I have written about she was still a good person, a sane person underneath. She would always try and do something to make up for the crazy later. Now, she is just plain crazy.

She is heading to this place, if you ask me I will tell you, but not on the blog so the crazies won't know who I am lol. She rambled on yesterday when she called me to tell me that she has seen the prophecy of the end of the world...that when the Milky Way aligns with the earth God will return. She has also seen visions of the sun getting so hot her roof melts which is why she now wants us all to have tin roofs.

I am not sure when my mom became that person...it was sometime around the time my grandma {her mom} died...when drugs were all she could think about and she would disappear for days on end. I think that is when all of us noticed she no longer cares.

We all tried to keep her in the family...to keep her grounded...but no more. We cannot seem to get through to her any longer.

Now we await a call...a call from someone either to come pick her up or one telling us that something happened to her...

Please don't think I'm callous...I am not. I just am exacerbated with her. She hasn't even come to my house since this past summer when she walked in gave me a hug and left and drove the two and a half hours back home. She called me coughing and stating that she was coughing up the air freshner that was plugged into the walls. After that, I only saw her when I would make the drive to her house...one time she was walking through the house ranting and raving at me about their house not being clean...the other times I saw her she was asleep holed up in her "room". Her room is the living room that she has barricaded herself into room into...making doorways so small that she is the only person who can go through the door...

So now I sit here and wait and wonder and pray...

my week in photos & trepidation about tonight...

2012-02-03T10:38:00.000-06:00

flowers from the flower gnome...

reading an amazing award-winning book...

all consuming this week...

traffic made better with the discovery of audio books...

puppy love keeps me going...

how is it february already?

delicious dinner from gene...

------

tonight I head to get my sister...my mom is apparently leaving tomorrow for the "school" tomorrow so she will meet me with her {instead of her dad meeting me like normal}...part of me wonders if it's the last time I will ever see her again...

I know that she hasn't been doing well...physically, emotionally, mentally, medically. Maybe she is going off to "learn/teach" so we won't see her again. See her continue on her downward spiral.

She hasn't called and talked to me in months...never a good sign. She doesn't seem to want me in her life. Somehow I have sorta-stopped caring/being concerned...please don't think it callous...I have had to shield myself from my family to survive my childhood without a lot of mental scars.

Anyway...I am a little afraid about tonight...about telling her goodbye...maybe forever. Will she even be coherent when I see her? Will she really be the one to drive my sister? Will she even care?

january faves...

2012-02-01T09:34:00.000-06:00

1. new 50mm lens 2. Amazing oil tote bag 3. Bert's Bees tinted lip balm 4. How I Met Your Mother 5. Erin Condren Life Planner 6. Awesome books - Incarnate & Where Things Come Back 7. Amazing friends & books {Hip Mama Jenn, me & Kaitlin}

funny stuff...

2012-01-31T12:22:00.000-06:00

Thanks Kaitlin for sending this to me...seriously how cute is she???