Pinocchio’s human girlfriend has been complaining about getting splinters while they’re having s%x.

Pinocchio therefore goes to visit Gepetto to see if his carpenter dad could help. Gepetto suggests the wooden boy try a little sandpaper. Pinoy skips away, enlightened.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto sees Pinocchio bouncing happily through town. He asks, “How’s the girlfriend?”

Pinocchio replies, “Who needs a girlfriend?” :S

Boss: Where were you born?
Sardar: India …
Boss: which part?
Sardar: What ‘which part’? Whole body was born in India .

2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.

Sardar: What is the name of your car?
Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with ‘T’.
Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with gasoline.
(T as in Tata is India’s own make cars)

Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked “what you did till evening?”
Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

Museum Administrator: That’s a 500-year-old statue u’ve broken..
Sardar: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Sardar: Control yourself. Don’t cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

Sardar: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is ‘All India Radio! ‘

NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE:
In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. …..
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup….

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Sardar: An old king’s skeleton.
Tourist: Who’s that smaller skeleton next to it?
Sardar: That was same king’s skeleton when he was a child.

Hehe excuse me sa mga girls… share lng

Pag ang girlfriend mo PANGET: pwede na yan sa McDo, Jollibee, o kaya Chowking

Pag MAGANDA: dapat sa Friday’s, Cravings, o kaya sa Shang-ri La

Pag PANGET: ayaw mong lapitan pag naglalakad kayo sa mall… as if u were just friends

Pag MAGANDA: halos di mo na pakawalan habang namamasyal.. may kasama pang hugs at kisses once in a while

Pag PANGET: “Pahinga na lang tayo this weekend. Tsaka may gimik kami ng friends ko e.”

Pag MAGANDA: “Are u free this weekend? Gimik tayo with my friends.”

Pag PANGET: ok na kahit di ka masyadong mag-dress up

Pag MAGANDA: kelangan japorms ka lagi

Pag PANGET: “wife material” … in other words, free katulong in the future

Pag MAGANDA: “girlfriend material”… prinsesa in short

Pag PANGET: pag nagseselos sya, di ka nya pwedeng tarayan

Pag MAGANDA: pag nagseselos sya, ok lang na tarayan ka nya

Pag PANGET: lambingin mo lang for the first few months, mapagsasawaan mo agad

Pag MAGANDA: “I can’t get enough of you, girl!”

Pag PANGET: treat her like she’s one of the boys

Pag MAGANDA: treat her like she’s the most beautiful girl u’ll ever love

Pag PANGET: “ay, u’r sick? sige, i’ll just call again later.”

Pag MAGANDA: “ay, u’r sick, honey? sige, i’ll just visit u later, ha?”

Pag PANGET: di mo malimutan yung pretty ex mo (”she was everyone’s crush y’know”)

Pag MAGANDA: kalimutan mo na yung pretty ex mo, u got someone better now

Pag PANGET: wala kang ka-agaw

Pag MAGANDA: lahat ka-agaw mo, so u have to be extra sweet to her

Pag PANGET: pwede mong iwanan kung saan-saan (in short, convenient)

Pag MAGANDA: dapat bantayan mo kahit saan

Pag PANGET: sa public places…ok lang, andyan lang sya….duh…

Pag MAGANDA: “ehem, hey, guys, she’s my girlfriend, y’know. Pretty no?” sabay akbay

Pag PANGET: when asked y u chose her…. “pare, i love her bcoz she’s really nice and she’ll do everything for me”

Pag MAGANDA: “pare, do i have to answer ur question? it’s obvious naman na, pare e”

Pag PANGET: pag na-a-attract ka sa iba… “Bat ka ba masyadong selosa? I was just looking!”

Pag MAGANDA: “Hey baby, don’t be jealous na. U’r prettier naman e.”

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell
into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the
chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at
the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no
avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped
off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy,
to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a
hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the
farmer’s bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of
the
powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to
the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented:
Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit,
and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his
life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and
straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his
hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled
him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? ….. (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

“When You’re Hung Like A Horse, You Don’t Need A
Harley To Pick Up Chicks

Kindly read on for details.

Iguess this is what it will look like.

MANILA - The Philippines will witness a partial solar eclipse on July 22, the Philippine Atmospheric, Geophysical and Astronomical Services Administration (PAGASA) said Thursday. The state weather bureau said the path of the moon’s umbral shadow will begin in India and is expected to cross Nepal, Bangladesh, Bhutan, Myanmar, Central China, the Pacific Ocean, Ryukyu Island, Marshal Island and Kiribati. It said a partial eclipse will be witnessed in several parts of the Philippines including Metro Manila, Calayan Island, Laoag City, Tuguegarao City, Baguio City, Angeles City in Pampanga, Puerto Princesa in Palawan, Lucena City, Naga City, Iloilo, Cebu, Zamboanga, Sulu, Davao and General Santos City. PAGASA said the eclipse will start in Metro Manila at exactly 8:33:01 a.m. The eclipse’s full visibility will be seen at 9:43 a.m. and will end at 11:01:51 a.m. Other areas in the globe that will witness partial solar eclipse are those in eastern Asia and the Pacific Ocean. The weather bureau, meanwhile, cautioned spectators to avoid directly looking at the eclipse without safety eye devices. It said people can cover their eyes with X-ray films, sun glasses, smoked glass and photographic films and negatives. It said the safest method to view the eclipse is by indirect viewing “like projecting the image with a pinhole camera.”

-yahoo

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s
office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
“Well, doc, it’s like this - First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep. And no matter what we tried,
we still couldn’t get the jar open.”

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING THEN???…………..HAHAHAHA!

another long weekend for us!

ARROYO DECLARES
Iglesia ni Cristo Day a non-working holiday

By Christian V. Esguerra
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 20:07:00 07/07/2009

MANILA, Philippines — President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo has designated a special day for the Iglesia ni Cristo, a church denomination often approached by politicians seeking its so-called bloc support in elections.

Arroyo declared July 27 as “Iglesia ni Cristo Day,” a non-working holiday commemorating the founding anniversary of the sect.

“President Arroyo wishes to congratulate in advance the INC, at present under the stewardship of Executive Minister Eraño Manalo and Deputy Executive Minister Eduardo Manalo, on this year’s landmark anniversary,” Malacañang said in a statement.

“Likewise, the President wishes to thank the INC for the very active and significant roles its leaders and members have always played not only in the spiritual and moral formation of our people over the past several decades, but in nation-building as well,” the Palace said.

What I mean is, if he was really capable of bringing in KC into his world (one who is kind hearted and innocent) then he really has a powerful charm. Well, I will just have to believe it once it is there.

read on…

MANILA - Young actress KC Concepcion has finally broken her silence on the issue linking her to the sex video scandal. The star of the upcoming “Lovers in Paris” disputed speculations that she also has a sex video with Dr. Hayden Kho and that her mom, Megastar Sharon Cuneta, purportedly paid P20 million to make sure that it would not spread on the Internet. “Kung ano ang sinabi ni mom iyon ang totoo. Kung may statement din si dad (Sen. Francis Pangilinan) iyon na. Namatay na din iyon (sex video issue) and honestly there’s nothing I can say right now,” she told “SNN: Showbiz News Ngayon.” Cuneta already debunked the rumors last week. “Kung totoo ‘yon ay hindi ako makakaharap sa inyo (press) kasi I cannot lie. Wala talaga, there’s no truth talaga.” Cuneta added: “Sabi parang binayaran ko, sabi ko ‘ipakulong ko kaya muna siya bago ako maglabas ng 20 million.’” Talk is rife that Concepcion was unknowingly being videotaped by Kho while the two were having sex just like in the case of actresses Katrina Halili and Maricar Reyes. Concepcion was not the only celebrity whose name was dragged into the controversy. Earlier, Bea Alonzo laughed off a rumor linking her to Kho’s sex videos. Alonzo maintained that she was never introduced to the cosmetic surgeon.

Anyway, upon scouring the net, it seems to me that our president might have had a problem with one of her breast. I think a part of it was removed and had been replaced with an implant. Imagine a woman whose one part of her taken out. How ugly, yuck.

Although this kind of thing happens to many people in real life, it became so controversial just because she is our president. Apparently, news media thinks that it is unfair for the president not to tell the public what is happening. Well come to think of it, the media should think first what are the consequences of that information leaking out. I mean, who wants to have a country with an ill president. Just imagine what kind of morale boost this kind of news brings to terrorists here and abroad? Have you ever thought about that hmmm?

Also, did the Arroyo’s doctor leak the said information? Well, one thing is for sure, the NBI (National’s most Boring Investigators) is looking who might the culprit be. Well, good luck guys. Hope you find one lols.

Some reference..

MANILA - The National Bureau of Investigation (NBI) on Tuesday started its probe into the leaked information on President Arroyo’s confinement at the Asian Hospital last week, focusing their investigation on one doctor.

The NBI’s Anti Fraud and Computer Crimes Division, which handles the alleged medical information leak, said the probe was not due to a command from the Palace, but from a request from the administration of the Asian Hospital.

“Malacanang has nothing to do with the ongoing probe. This is a request of a private hospital to conduct investigation for possible administrative liability of any of its hospital employees for getting patients’ file and leaking it,” NBI Director Nestor Mantaring said.

The NBI said it will investigate who and how the private medical information concerning the President leaked out.

An ABS-CBN source said the investigation is focusing on one doctor.

Three medical staff from the hospital’s Center for Women’s Health have already given statements, and the source said it points to one doctor as the source of the leak.

The three staff could also possibly stand as witnesses against the unidentified doctor, the source said.

The NBI, meanwhile, has not yet confirmed this, and whether the doctor in question is the President’s doctor.

The agency also said that they will try to finish the investigation as soon as possible, saying that they are not being pressured by Malacañang. — With a report from Maan Macapagal, ABS-CBN News

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”

“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”

“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” the judge said to the second boy.

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

“156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?”

“Well, I used a similar approach. I also used two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, ‘This is your ******* before prison…’ ”

Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES

~ Must provide on-site training in basic life skills, such as nose blowing. Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution and crisis management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus.

~ Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box, because you most likely will need it for a school project.

~ Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, “He got more than me!” for the rest of your life.

~ Must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing above mentioned skills in conflict resolution.

~ Must be able to choose your battles wisely and then stick to your guns.

~ Must be able to withstand criticism, such as “You don’t know anything.”

~ Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating.

~ Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

~ Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat, in case this time the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

~ Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

~ Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery-operated devices.

~ Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

~ Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

~ Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

~ Must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because fund-raiser will be your middle name.

~ Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions on the fly such as “What makes the wind move?” or “Why can’t we just stop all wars?”

~ Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

~ Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

~ Other responsibilities include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION
You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, the job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life, if you play your cards right.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, “You don’t understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love… At lunchtime she comes home, and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want.

And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love.” He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. “I don’t understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?”

The senile old man answers, again through his tears,
“I forgot where I live.”

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure
creates one he11 of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to
remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.When he left the hospital he was
without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he
realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new
beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need - a new
suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.”
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60
years!” the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new
shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed
Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck.” Joe was surprised,
“That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” Joe
tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about
some new underwear?” Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure.” The
salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see…size 36.”

Joe laughed “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A 34 underwear
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you
one hell of a headache.”

haha ouch…