I didn't even realize there was a bride and groom behind me. Who photo bombed who?

I love Las Vegas. If I could go there every other week I would. This was my second year at the Bloggers In Sin City conference. The first one changed my life in that it was something I would never do: get on a plane to meet a bunch of strangers and share a room with one of them and hang out with them for three days. This time I knew more of what to expect. I even had the same roommate (Kelly! Here’s her blog).

And this time, I learned a lot more. About myself. About people. About life. Here are my lessons. I hope we can all learn something.

There is so such thing as a 24 hour buffet. This is true not in only the literal sense; that as much as Vegas loves its buffets, it doesn’t have one that is open all the time. And thanks to the concierge for scoffing at us for asking. Sir you work in Vegas, and this is the question that throws you? But the life buffet is also not open 24 hours. When you have a delicious buffet, you need to savor every moment and get seconds, if not thirds. There is so much to try. Don’t focus on only one item. And when it inevitably ends, have something to look forward to. Except when you die, then it’s kind of over. Unless you believe in the afterlife in which case, have fun talking to John Edward on his loser show. 

On a similar note, it is not a good idea to eat buffalo wings at 2 AM. It sounds like a great idea at the time — or it did to me — because fuck it, I’m in Vegas, and I don’t really gamble so I’m going to go wild and eat buffalo wings. That’s how I party to the hardest of partying.

Don’t assume things about people. Just talk to them first. I met a few people who I thought were one thing and were something completely different, and in a good way. We all judge and that sucks, but as long as we decide to prove our judgments wrong, we’re still okay people. That girl who looked perfect and beautiful and was perched on her suitcase like she was modeling for Vogue without even trying had to be really aloof and easy to hate, right? So wrong. So very wrong. That girl who is very direct and precise is probably a bitch and hates everything about you, right? Also wrong. That girl who’s drinking a lot  and is parked at the food table eating an entire plate of bacon wrapped shrimp is clearly shameless and doesn’t give a fuck is probably a glorious mess, right? Right, because that girl was me, and it was awesome.

Drinking in the street during the day is fun.

Stop worrying about how you look and just have fun already. I was hot and sweaty and bloated (Viva Las Vegas!) and I just wanted to leave but I stuck around for a little, Simone put my hair into an impromptu undo in the ladies room, I took off my sweltering tights, and I got myself a drink. Admittedly, I still left early, and I wish I hadn’t! Although I went back to the hotel room and had some leftover pizza and watched the season finale of “How I Met Your Mother” so it wasn’t a total loss.

Time for photos!

Mikael through the eyes of a fox.

Jamie aiming for Mikael's head. I am amused.

The Flamingo Hotel, where we stayed, as seen from Serendipity 3.

(And dear lord, the gift bags. The swag consumed me. Here’s just one example:)

Thanks to Skyy Vodka for the personal army.

Grace truly is a fox.

Kelly and Ameena are also true foxes.

And Simone, let's not forget that Simone is also a fox.

Nic, dressed appropriately for wig bruch.

And finally…

While I wish I could claim this photo as my own work of art, it is the success of Germana.

Look out for my Las Vegas video coming soon!

Thanks to BCBGeneration for the fox masks and beach balls.

Decorated by David Lynch.

I moved into my new apartment and started being a badass adult. Or maybe I’m just a bad ass. I am trying to figure this all out. There are still boxes everywhere and certain things remained unpacked and some walls are bare and it makes me anxious. And there are cords and wires everywhere from connecting various electronic necessities like Internet and television. I know, the horror. The struggle. The sleepless nights.

I don’t have a dining room table. I am okay with this. Do you have a dining room table? I don’t really dine. I eat. I haven’t started cooking yet. I keep threatening to do it, but I don’t. Do you cook? Does anyone out there lead a responsible life and can you tell me how I can do that too?

For now I am living alone and it’s good and it’s bad. I lived alone in college in NYC in a lovely little studio. I loved it, mostly. The great thing about New York is that you walk out of your building and there’s people and there’s people you know and you’re okay, everything is fine. Unless you hate people. Then you’re fucked, little sir. This is what I like about my new neighborhood. On Saturday I ran into the same guy twice. Once in the afternoon and once at night. At night it was in a restaurant (after my performance with Hello Giggles at UCB which I don’t really want to talk about because I am a perfectionist and wished I had done better. But that’s not important right now.) He was on a date and his mom was there. I think maybe it was not the best time to say hi. But I did. I am fearless. His mom and girlfriend are very nice. It’s nice when people are nice. It’s unpleasant when people are fake nice. But sometimes fake nice is better than being outright hostile.

My friend and new manager (yay!) says that my apartment is haunted. That would explain why the rent is good and why my landlord is so nice to me. I haven’t experienced any hauntings aside from when the record player started making noises like an alien spaceship in 1950s movies. I knew there was a logical explanation but I turned it off anyway.

Do you live alone and do you like it? And what does your apartment look like? Be honest with me. If it’s a mess I want to hear about every last beer can and pizza box.

This post was sponsored by U Move Free. Moving soon? UMoveFree complaints are few and far between. So, challenge accepted. Kidding.

Unless you're January Jones, then it's perfect. For now.

“Your life is so glamourous!” People tell me. Yes, it is. On Instagram. On Instagram my life looks as fun as Disneyland inside of another Disneyland. But I don’t think my life is awesome. It kind of sucks sometimes. I think all of our lives suck sometimes. But if all of our lives suck then why is it that we think other peoples’ lives are great? We all complain and we all wish we had better lives. We say, “Crispin Jones has such an awesome life, why can’t I be Crispin? Crispin hangs out with Quentin Taratino and gets invited to all the Nylon parties and works as a full time blogger and owns a cologne business, Crispin has it going on and I feel bad.” There’s a Crispin in all of our lives. This one is made up, but I bet someone out there knows someone with the exact descriptions that I just gave this fake Crispin.

Everyone’s lives look better than ours but our lives look fantastic to other people. It’s true. If there is someone out there who thinks their life is awesome and amazing and cannot be topped, please tell me. Not so I can try and argue with you or prove you wrong but because I want to praise you and learn your secrets. It doesn’t matter what your job is in life or who you know; there are people out there who lead average lives but love them. That’s what it’s about. Not about looking glamorous. But about feeling glamorous, for real, even if all you do is work a 9-5 job and the thing you look forward to most in life is the Thursday night line-up on NBC. I can think of hundreds of people who would envy that life.

I blame the bloggers. The bloggers look so freaking cool on their little Internets. People think I’m cool but guys, I’m not, and I never claimed to be. If you look at the header of this blog you see that I think I’m awkward and I am. I met my celebrity crush and told him his head was too big. That’s fucking awkward and totally uncool. And I look at other bloggers who are part time models and full time awesome and I have to suffocate my jealousy “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” style. And honestly, I know that my life isn’t terrible and there are wonderful moments and I’m lucky for what I have. But I’m also great at being a selfish and superficial jerk who complains that her apartment is too big for her wireless router’s signal.

Why does your life suck? Tell me, maybe we can have a contest about whose life sucks more.

Above: Laura prepping her boyfriend for a video we made for Hello Giggles, which you can watch here, but keep in mind it’s a satire about girls and their PERIODS. 

This post is brought to you by Laura Kadner. Enjoy:

Once upon a time, I lived with my boyfriend. We moved to the worst city in the world and got a tiny studio apartment. Sometimes it was awesome and sometimes it sucked. Here are some things I learned about living with a man:

 
Read more of Laura’s delightful work at her blog Gumdrop Lane or at Hello Giggles.

Thanks to photographer Raymond Liu!

Coachella is not my idea of fun; it’s more my idea of let’s make Uncle Almie cry. There’s lots of people, dirty hot sweaty people, and you have to throw money everywhere. If you can rock it out there, by all means, have fun in the assy desert. But if you’re high maintenance and totally fucking annoying like I am, Brokechella is the chella for you. Not to say that Brokechella was annoying; it was crazy fun and chill at the same time. It was a bunch of people in a warehouse getting free stuff and getting photographed and dancing to random LA bands that should be crazy famous but aren’t and eating and drinking. Big thanks to Cartel: Collaborative Arts L.A. for putting together such a creative and spirited event.

I wore this dress and I took a pic of myself like a horrible egotistical nerd but hey — everybody gets to do this once, right?

Dress courtesy of BCBGeneration.

I got there around 10:30 I think and was welcomed by this brilliant with a purposefully blinking sign:

Get it? 'Cause they're broke.

and got a sweet press badge that had my name and Apocalypstick on it and I felt cool as Bateman yo. Here’s a terrible Instagram pic:

Hey I think it's backwards.

It was really well decorated inside. Not pretentious; I didn’t see a single deer head mounted to a wall ANYWHERE. We wandered around a bit, used our drink tickets, and ran into friends new and old. I discovered the band The Dead Ships via the Brokechella website but unfortunately I came far too late to see them. I forgot I was having a garage sale that day at my house. Oops. So that took up most of my day. But I did see Tapioca and the Flea:

"We came all the way from Los Angeles. Like 15 minutes away."

I got real tired real fast because I probably need to take “BONEVA!” (– Sally Field) or something so we left not long after. And I got a goodie bag.

Yes, that's an apple.

It was a lovely evening. LA actually has a lot of great things to offer if you know where to look! So go look.

Thanks again to Toki Doki for the killer tee!

Here are some things I did and wrote about this week, in case you missed it. And in case you care. If you don’t, no worries, it’s a beautiful day in LA go outside!

I list my top favorite bad songs of the ’90s on Hello Giggles. “Some say that Tom Green was before our time but I don’t think the future wants him. In this lyrical masterpiece, Mr. Green laments the misfortune of having “poo” on his ‘bum.’ ‘I gotta get the poo off my bum!’ he wails and I think we all understand that it’s clearly an allegory for world hunger.”

If Patrick Bateman reviewed the film “American Psycho” on A Bright Wall in a Dark Room. ”There is a film based on me, my life, and it scrapes the line of frightening realism and imaginary hopes, dreams, wishes, that I can’t have, will never have, am not capable of having. The film is American Psycho and is directed by a woman named Mary Harron, who I can only assume is hideous based on how good her film is, which I’m reluctant to admit.” 

Here’s a video I made for BCBGeneration showcasing our Spring 2012 line.

SPRING THINGS 2012 from BCBGeneration on Vimeo.

LaDiDa Music Videos made another great weird shot. I am a cartoon robot and that’s me singing. Click the link or watch here.

My friend Laura Kadner wrote a funny piece on how to car dance and survive road trips. Some useful tips here.

Mad Men Haikus. Wish I came up with this.

And finally, I give you another Betty Draper impression.

Have a great weekend, and maybe I’ll see you at Brokechella tonight!

I was walking on Beverly with my mom when out of nowhere these three dudes in ties came up to me with guitars and started singing. It made me happy. I think it will make you happy too.

 

Follow them on twitter.

 This quote “never complain never explain” was attributed to Katherine Hepburn. I don’t know if she actually said it because I wasn’t there. I was super, super not there. But I am trying to make this my new motto. Not complaining is, for me, harder than not explaining. As women I think we feel the need to apologize for ourselves, which I’ve written about here. We also feel the need to explain ourselves a lot, which men typically don’t do. But I’m working on it. I want all of us — man, woman, E.T. — to work on this.

Example: you’re sick and cannot come into work.

DON’T:

“I’m so sorry but I have the flu and it’s giving me mad diarrhea and I can’t stop vomiting and I just can’t come in today, I am so so so sorry, please understand, I can’t move, I’m really sorry I hope you guys are okay!”

ALSO DON’T:

“I’m not coming in today, deal with it, bros.”

DO:

“Hi. I’m ill today with the flu and will not be coming in. Let me know if you’d like a doctor’s note. Thanks.”

Example: your friend invites you to see a movie you really don’t want to see.

DON’T:

“Please, please don’t be mad at me, but I really don’t want to see ‘Rock Star Planet’ starring Adam Sandler because I don’t know why but I’m really not a fan of his, I know he seems really great, but I also don’t have a lot of money right now and I’m so sorry but I don’t think I should go?”

ALSO DON’T:

“Your taste in movies is diabolical and Adam Sandler is such an asshat, he’s an asstophat. This friendship is over.”

DO:

“Is there another movie that you’d like to see? I’d love to spend time with you.”

Example: your boyfriend asks you where you want to go eat.

DON’T:

“Baby I don’t know. I’m so sorry but I just don’t know, I’m so hungry and I really don’t care and I know we’re trying not to spend a lot of money I just don’t know what to do, I have my period anyway and I’m so sorry baby!”

ALSO DON’T:

“Fuck you Jim, I don’t have to answer all of your fucking questions. We can go to Taco Fucking Bell, I don’t give a fuck.”

DO:

“I like the taco place we go to but I also enjoy that deli. We could also try something new. Which of those three would you like?”

Example: your mom wants to know why you can’t go shopping with her.

DON’T:

“I’m so tired I’ve been working so hard and I’m so so sorry I just need to sleep in and get some rest, I know that sounds stupid and please understand but if you don’t that’s totally okay but I’m so so sorry.”

ALSO DON’T:

“Bitch you think I want to go to Target on Saturday morning? Da fuck? No.”

DO:

“I have plans on Saturday but what about Sunday afternoon? I love you.”

Example: Adam Sandler wants to know why you don’t like him.

DON’T:

“Oh my gosh I totally didn’t mean it that way, did I mean it like I didn’t like you because oh my gosh I’m so sorry, no I think you’re great, what I meant was that I don’t like when people DON’T like Adam Sandler.”

ALSO DON’T:

“Well why did you start making such crappy movies? Remember ‘Billy Madison?’ That movie was stupid but it was good. Now everything you do is stupid without being good. Everyone is stupider for seeing your new movies and may God have mercy on your soul.”

DO:

“I don’t know you personally and you seem like a kind man. You must be so proud of all your success and I wish you luck in the future!”