You can sense her getting distant. She’s feeling a bit crowded. She’s into you, but you can tell she’s pulling away. She occasionally reciprocates your overtures and occasionally initiates half-hearted overtures herself. But when it comes down to it–spending time together or hooking up– she has an attitude that says hands off. You’re just not a priority to me. You’re just no good enough.

And you’re left feeling like an emotional basket-case. All your “game” is suddenly out the window. You were once cool, playful and a challenge. Now you’re hurting, confused, conflicted, and not sure what to do.

And you realize that if you don’t change course, if you don’t fix the situation, it will spiral down and eventually end things.

How do you fix it?

The main idea to correcting something that’s going off course is using time and space to your advantage. You are capitalizing on the fact that there is some interest there already. By showing a careful combination of initiative and lack of initiative, you can amp up her interest.

A great analogy to relationships is flying a kite. You pull a little bit and then you let go. You pull again and let go again. Pretty soon that kite is flying as high as it can go.

Another analogy is starting a fire. If you throw a giant log on a small pile of smoldering kindling, it will crush out the flames. Sometimes it’s too far gone to rescue. But other times, you can pull back and give that fire a lot of air so that it builds back up again on it’s own–without you doing a whole lot.

What you’re doing here is playing with time and space. Giving her time to think about you. You’re pulling away. But not just pulling away, you are doing it in a way that highlights the fact that you are pulling away.

You are contacting her less. You are spending less time with her.

But this DOES NOT mean that when you are with her you act disinterested and bored.

Indeed, you are becoming scarce. But scarcity doesn’t mean anything if the scarce product itself doesn’t hold ANY value. It must have SOME value. Even if the value isn’t as high as gold or diamonds, the fact that it’s much scarcer could potentially make it even more valuable.

So when you do see her, text her or call her, you must show excellence. Do all the right things and do them hard. Be excited to see her. Flirt hard with her. Sexually escalate hard. Connect with her as deep as possible. And then at the high point, cut things off and leave her wanting more. This way the space that you are creating is hugely magnified and she really feels it.

Below are listed 15 tactics. Keep in mind, all these tactics capitalize on a girl’s interest in the first place. If there isn’t any interest from her, these won’t work. She’ll just walk away.

Some of these are very “gamey” tactics in that it really doesn’t build up a relationship in positive emotional ways. What it does is open up space to let her start to take initiative and feel things.

These tactics are not inner game. Inner game is just as important as outer game, so in order to understand the inner game, read this post, What To Do When You Think About Her Too Much. If your inner game is too messed up, she will sense it and no amount of outer game will help. She will hear it in your voice tone, in your body language, the way you are inhibited around her.

I would not use these tactics on friends or when things are going well with someone. Some of these tactics may be things I would do naturally in managing the distance in any relationship, but I would rarely premeditate any of these tactics or use them regularly if things were going well. I would only use them if I were sensing a loss of interest and needed to get her focus back on me.

Some basic concepts:

• Be busy. The main idea here is that you have a life. You’re doing exciting things, hanging out with cool friends, maybe seeing other great women. She’s not treating you like a priority so in the same vein, you will only fit her into your exciting life when you get around to it.
• Let her take initiative. I always talk about how taking initiative is the most important aspect of becoming a confident guy. Ironically, once you are in some relationship with her, many times the nice guy will take too much initiative and fuck things up. He does this because he’s insecure. He feels like if he doesn’t take initiative, she won’t. When you feel her pulling away, there is a tendency to want to take more initiative to fix the situation, show her more feelings and emotions. In actuality, this normally just crushes the relationship and makes it worse. Pulling back and waiting for her to take initiative is almost always the best move.
• Let her think about you. Let her miss you. Time is your greatest ally.

Here are some more specific tactics:

The drop-out. You are texting back and forth with her it seems almost every day. But she is distant and lethargic about it. Drop out for a day or even two days. Don’t take initiative to contact her for a period that seems longer than normal. It may scare you that you might lose her, but that’s exactly the point. She senses that you are okay with losing her and she begins to react. When you do finally get back in contact with her, be excited and animated.

Slow track. Let her take initiative. This is at the heart of this game. What happens at the beginning of the relationship is that you start to get into a certain groove of contacting, and inviting her out. Perhaps you start to contact every day or every other day. Perhaps you invited her out one too many times and she was resistant. If you still have her on the line, you start to pull back and contact her less often. And when you do contact her, you don’t invite her out. So for example you might contact her on Monday and be super flirty. Have a little go back and forth but then don’t invite her out. Tell her how crazy busy your week is. If she mentions hanging out or prods you to take initiative, you can say “We should hang out but this week is crazy busy. Let’s touch base early next week.” And you can wait until then. This can go on indefinitely. Particularly if you are seeing other women, you can really slow things down with this girl to the point where she is asking to meet up with you. Again, as stated earlier, you want to be awesome and excited to see her when you do see her. But also let her know how busy you are.

I’ll give you a call later and then don’t. This is an interesting tactic that really can’t be used too often. Rarely will it work more than once. But the idea is you say something like “I’ll give you a call later on tonight.” And then you don’t call. So far you’ve been jumping at every chance to talk to her. She starts to wonder, why didn’t he call? Is he not as into me as I thought he was?

Set up a date and then don’t confirm. You talk to her and say “Let’s hang out Monday.” She agrees although she’s a bit wishy washy or non-committal. You say “I’ll give you a call on Sunday to confirm.” Then you DON’T contact her on Sunday or Monday. Tuesday you send her a text about how busy things have been and asking how she is.

A hint of jealousy. You simply throw something into a text or conversation hinting that women are making overtures to you. This needs to be EXTREMELY subtle though, because it can easily come off as bragging or gamey or even backfire. Something like “I’m out partying at so and so. It’s funny how hard these girls try.”

A hint of lets-just-be-friends. If she’s said something in seriousness like “You’re not going to try to hook up with me are you?” or shows some other kind of resistance to moving out of friend zone, push back hard in the opposite direction. Tell her she can help you pick up chicks when you go out. You also need to be careful with doing too much of this or she really will think you do intend to be friends with her. This works best when coupled with some sexual banter. “Let’s go out, but you have to promise not to hit on me.”

Flirty texts vs. mushy texts. If you sense a girl is pulling away, you need to be very careful with sentimental texts. “I miss you.” “Thinking about you.” “Wish you were here.” Let’s say she’s going to her hometown and might be hanging with her exboyfriend. Or is meeting up with some guy that really likes her. Or is just doing something super exciting like a modeling on a runway and will be getting a ton of attention. The last thing you want to do is send her sentimental texts while other people are pouring on the validation. The best possible thing to do in that situation is shoot her a flirty text of some kind. “CNN Newspoll: 65% of respondents say I’m cuter than you.” “I think you should take me to the Coney Island and win me a stuffed monkey.”

Zero validation. If she is an attractive girl who likes attention, it’s possible she has a lot of guys showering her with lovey-dovey compliments. Don’t be that guy. As above, keep it light and flirty. Or if you do validate, follow it up with banter. “You’re so creative. I like that. Too bad you’re such a dork!”

Don’t return a call or text every once in a while. Again, you can’t do this too often, but if it seems she is really preoccupied with other affairs and is taking you for granted, you can simply not return a text or phone call. She may have ten guys professing their love to her, but the one guy that doesn’t return her phone call–or takes his sweet time–she’ll wonder about him. This is human nature.

Cut short phone calls, dates and interactions. This is huge. You be the one to end phone calls and dates. And try to end it on a high note. Again, you are super busy. Gotta run. Don’t talk longer than ten minutes on the phone and be out doing exciting things when you call. If you’re out on a date with her, you could meet for one drink, be very flirty and sexual and then tell her you have to run.

Let her be the last one to text. When you text back and forth, let her send the last text. Just drop off after that. This obviously has its limitations but if you can work out the text exchange so that she sends the last one, it’s better.

Temper your text response time. The response time to her texts is in some cases more important than the actual content of the texts. In these situations, I would normally wait a minimum of ten minutes to reply to her texts. You’re a busy guy out having fun, after all. If she is a slow texter, you want to mirror what she does. If she takes 45 minutes to return a text, take at least that time to return her texts. And if she is particularly slow and it seems like she is making little effort, you could double-mirror. Take 90 minutes to return a text if she took 45 minutes. If she takes a day to text you back, wait two days to text her again.

If she asks for space or flakes, give it back twice as hard. This is huge. If a woman ever says anything like “I need space.” or hints that you are getting too close to her, you want to give her twice the space she asks for. This can actually be more effective in a serious relationship, because people don’t generally ask for space when the relationship is at a more casual stage. So lets’ say you are seeing a woman, and she says “I need space. I need to take a week to think about things.” Your response should be “That’s a great idea. Let’s take two weeks.” This concept is important because when you are in an emotionally subordinate position, it is painful to give her that space. And she knows it. If you simply agreed to the space she asked for, you would be right back to where you started a week previous. But if you move forward and open the space up yourself, she starts to feel a yearning.

Do not ever push for her to come out and meet you. Let her take initiative. If she isn’t taking initiative to invite you to meet up and you feel you need to do this, invite her out, but if there is ANY resistance, do not push, get pouty or call her lame. Be as cool as possible with it and continue with some of the other tactics.

Do not ask her how she “feels”. At casual points in the relationship, asking her how she feels about you or your relationship with her is 95% futile. Words rarely rarely change anything and only serve to dig you in deeper. Instead, take action. Pull away and see how she responds.

Do not tell her how you feel. If you sense a disinterest from her, that is the exact wrong time to tell her how you feel and show interest in her. It will only crowd her worse and make you seem like less of a challenge. This is not to say that you can’t connect with her in deep rapport. Deep rapport is the foundation for her feelings for you. But there is a big difference between you pouring out emotional neediness, i.e. “I miss you and want to see you more often” vs. getting her to share her deepest and inner most thoughts about life, her passion, her childhood etc.

The above tactics can be very useful in a lot of situations, but they obviously have their limitations. It’s up to you to decide whether they should be put into play.

Just like too much smothering can crush a burgeoning relationship, any of these “creating space” tactics can destroy a relationship in the other direction. Letting that kite go too much can send it crashing just as pulling too much can.

Yet, as someone who’s spent years dissecting these dynamics, I caution against swallowing the Red Pill whole without a chaser of rationality. These “truths” can become self-fulfilling prophecies, poisoning your frame and sabotaging your prospects in the sexual marketplace. The key isn’t to rage against the machine of modern femininity but to reframe women’s behaviors through the lens of their innate, biological imperatives, behaviors that have always existed, long before Instagram filters and #MeToo hashtags.

Hypergamy, that core female strategy of seeking the best possible mate, isn’t a modern invention birthed by feminism or apps like Tinder. It’s hardwired, an evolutionary adaptation ensuring genetic survival. Sure, today’s environment supercharges it: endless options at a swipe, validation from thirsty simps, and a culture that absolves women of accountability. But to blame “modern women” exclusively is to fall into the trap of blank slate equalism, the very ideology we in the Red Pill decry.

It’s ironic, isn’t it? The Manosphere rightly mocks the leftist notion that humans are born as tabula rasa, blank slates molded entirely by society. We’ve all heard feminists argue that even sexual attraction is a social construct, a malleable artifact they can “re-engineer” through policy and propaganda. This denial of biology underpins their push for gender fluidity and egalitarian utopias, ignoring the profound differences between men and women. Men communicate logically, seeking solutions; women operate emotionally, testing for frame and provisioning cues. These aren’t learned behaviors, they’re the bedrock of our species’ mating strategies.

Yet, when it suits them, some Red Pill adherents slip back into this social constructivist mindset. They decry how “society has ruined women,” as if hypergamy and solipsism were imposed by external forces rather than amplified expressions of innate traits. This selective amnesia ignores the hybrid reality: biology sets the foundation, but culture pours the concrete. Social aspects, upbringing, education, media, shape how we navigate dating, but leaning too heavily on the “modern women are flawed” narrative breeds a toxic negativity that repels success.

Think about it: If you approach every interaction viewing women as narcissistic harpies corrupted by the system, your frame crumbles before you even open your mouth. This mindset fosters a victimhood culture among men, where wallowing in perceived injustices becomes the default. “Women only want the top 10%,” you lament. “They crave money, status, and Chad’s jawline.” Meanwhile, you’re blind to your own complicity in the game. Women aren’t uniquely “pathetic”, they’ll pen love letters to serial killers in prison, drawn to the dark triad allure of power and danger. But men? We’re no saints. Your average guy will overlook a woman’s grating personality, emotional instability, or outright toxicity if she’s got the right curves and a pretty face. We’ll rationalize banging the mentally unattractive because biology screams “fertility” louder than logic ever could.

This victimhood is a mind-killer, akin to the narratives fed to marginalized groups. Imagine growing up Black in America, bombarded with messages that the deck is stacked, racism lurks in every shadow, and success is a rigged game. Internalize that, and you sabotage your own agency, why try when failure is preordained? The same poison infects men in the dating arena. If you buy into the Red Pill echo chamber’s doom loop, that society discriminates against males, that feminism has tilted the field irreparably, you’ll carry that defeatist frame into every approach, every date, every relationship. Women sense it like sharks smell blood; your negativity becomes a self-reinforcing cycle of rejection.

Don’t get me wrong: The Red Pill’s core tenets, understanding hypergamy, maintaining frame, rejecting oneitis, are tools for empowerment, not excuses for inertia. But overdose on the bitterness, and it turns from medicine to venom. The rational path is balance: Acknowledge the grains of truth in Manosphere critiques without letting them erode your agency. View women’s behaviors as eternal biological plays, modulated by modernity, not as evidence of some grand conspiracy against men. Shed the victim mentality, build your value, and engage the game on its terms. In the end, success in intersexual dynamics isn’t about lamenting the rules, it’s about mastering them.

You can “approach” hundreds of women a week

Without leaving your couch. Without logistics. Without social risk. Without awkward moments.

Compared to going out, expanding your social circle, or meeting women in real life, the efficiency seems obvious.

When you first log on, the illusion deepens.

Thousands of profiles. Endless scrolling. A steady stream of attractive women.

It feels like abundance.

But this is where most men misunderstand the real cost.

It isn’t just financial, although the money adds up fast: Subscriptions, boosts, premium visibility, drinks on dates that go nowhere. You can easily spend hundreds or even thousands of dollars per month.

The real expense is emotional and temporal.

Online dating is an attrition funnel. A small fraction of women you message will reply. A smaller fraction will meet you. Fewer still will want to date you.

And only a handful will be women you actually want.

Every step down that funnel carries a cost. You feel it when she never responds. When she disappears after a decent exchange. When you meet and there’s no chemistry, on either side.

When she seems mildly interested but keeps you in limbo because, from her perspective, there also appear to be endless alternatives.

Even if you’re willing to accept all of that, the rejection, the wasted evenings, the emotional whiplash…

The math is still working against you in dating apps.

In the offline world, the way humans paired up for most of history, the imbalances corrected themselves.

People had limited time. Social circles overlapped. Reputations mattered. Options were visible, but finite.

Women distributed attention across whoever was actually present.

People paired off.

And when they did, they exited the market.

The system rebalanced.

Dating apps break that feedback loop.

They don’t reflect dating reality. They reshape it. Attention collapses onto a narrow subset of men.

Most men receive very little. Not because most men are deficient. But because visibility is uneven by design.

Friction disappears. There is no urgency to resolve anything.

Pairing is delayed.

Profiles of the same few men remain central to women’s attention. These high demand men stay active for years.

The bottleneck freezes instead of clearing.

This is why apps feel exhausting instead of dynamic.

It also explains the paradox many men experience.

And ironically, it’s not any better for women. Many women feel dating is harder than ever as they all compete for those same few visible men.

Which is why so few women are on these dating apps.

The app makers admit there are at least two men for every woman on apps. But some estimate it is as high as seven men for every woman.

So men are left feeling invisible while a small group of men feels like dating is effortless.

Apps don’t distribute opportunity evenly. They amplify small imbalances in dating.

Apps quietly convince you that you’re behind, when in reality you’re just playing the worst possible version of the game.

Meeting women in person—if you know how to do it—collapses the distortion almost instantly.

Face to face, attention is local. Competition is limited to who is actually there.

Context matters. Presence matters. Timing matters.

You’re no longer ranked against thousands of men you’ll never meet.

You’re just one human talking to another.

That alone changes everything.

And all this matters more after age thirty, not less.

The apps intensify selectivity. She filters you out by age, height and career. She may not even see that clever message you spent an hour composing.

That’s why men who struggle online often do far better once they become socially active again.

They didn’t change who they were. They changed where the evaluation happens.

The real bottleneck isn’t looks or status.

It’s approach anxiety.

The hesitation. The overthinking. The waiting for the “right moment.”

As long as you can’t comfortably start conversations in real life, you’re locked into app dynamics, where the odds are structurally worse for most men.

Where there’s no way for men to set themselves apart and demonstrate their balls of steel and unshakeable confidence.

Once you can open conversations, read signals, stay present, and handle rejection without spiraling, the attraction of apps loses their grip.

Dating apps magnify demographic imbalances by concentrating attention and removing real world constraints.

In person interaction restores balance through real time evaluation, limited competition, and faster resolution.

With the small side benefit that every approach builds up your confidence tenfold.

For men, the takeaway is simple: Being able to meet women in person isn’t a bonus skill anymore.

It’s the cleanest way out of a distorted system.

That’s not bravado.

That’s leverage.

And it’s why approach still matters.

That’s Step One. You clear your schedule, you put on a solid outfit, and you mentally prep yourself for battle. You hit the street, the café, the park, the bookstore—whatever it is—and you start the process of rewiring your instincts.

And that’s important. At the start, you need that kind of focus. Because this work? It’s not casual. It cuts against a lifetime of conditioning, of hesitation, of second-guessing. Going out just to meet women is like going to the gym: it’s where you isolate the muscle, tear it, and rebuild.

But here’s the truth:

Eventually, your life fills up. You start writing that novel. Or training jiu-jitsu. You go all-in on your startup. Or hell, maybe you just want your Saturday afternoons back.

You won’t always be able—or even want—to “go out” for this.

Which brings us to The 7th Step.

The 7th Step is Integration.

It’s when you stop needing to go out to “do pickup” because it’s no longer a thing you do—it’s who you are.

You walk through the world with openness, presence, and just enough swagger to change your day (and someone else’s) with a simple “Hi.”

Now let’s be real: this is deceptively hard.

When you’re headed to the post office, your mind is on postage, not presence.

When you’re grabbing a sandwich, you’re thinking protein, not polarity.

You’ve got a meeting in 20 minutes. You’re in line behind a woman who looks like she stepped out of a fashion editorial. You could say something. But… you don’t.

That’s the tension.

Because let’s face it: if you tried to approach every attractive woman you saw throughout your day, you’d never make it home.

So what do you do?

You follow the same steps—but with a lighter grip.

Be Where You Are. Whenever you leave your home, start noticing opportunities. Look up. Look around. Be in your body. Your eyes are your radar—use them.

Positioning Still Matters. Start small, just like when you went out intentionally. Physical proximity is half the battle. Don’t be afraid to slow down, speed up, stand near, or move closer in line. Give yourself the chance.

Open the World. You don’t have to drop a perfect line. Just say something. Anything. “Hey, how’s your day going?” “That sandwich looks way better than mine.” It’s not about impressing—it’s about connecting.

Warm the Engines. Say hi to everyone. Smile at the barista. Ask the cashier how they’re doing. Compliment someone’s jacket. Turn everyday life into your social dojo. You don’t have to hit a home run—you just have to swing.

Get out of the house. Nothing happens in your home. Go to that farmers market on Saturdays. Hit that café on Wednesday mornings. Join that class, that meetup, that gym. Give life the rhythm that allows chance to become connection.

Accept Selectivity. You won’t talk to every woman. You don’t need to. Let the pressure go. Trust your intuition. The opportunity will present itself—it always does.

Keep the Tools Sharp. Maybe once a week you still “go out” with intention. Treat it like hitting the heavy bag. It keeps you crisp. It keeps your edge.

Look Sharp, Always. You don’t need a three-piece suit to pick up groceries—but maybe ditch the mustard-stained tee. When you look good, you feel good, and that confidence radiates. One less excuse to not take action.

Let this be the final evolution of your approach: it’s no longer something you turn on—it’s just who you are: Present. Social. Ready.

And yeah, well-dressed.

But one day—bam—she says something like:

“Can you please put the toilet seat down? Girls live here.”

Seems innocent, right? You do it. No big deal.

But fast forward six months, and now you’re spending your Saturday afternoon waiting in line for 90 minutes outside a TikTok pop-up so she can buy a pink hoodie that says Dairy Boy on it.

You’re wondering, “How did I get here?”

Let’s talk about concessions. And more importantly, how they relate to dominance in your relationships.

You’re going to make accommodations in any relationship. It’s normal. She doesn’t like Italian food? Cool, go get sushi. That’s not the issue.

The issue is when you start making one-sided concessions. And worse, you’re doing it in a way that slowly erodes your value in her eyes.

When you see a guy who’s whipped and being ordered around by his wife, it’s likely it didn’t start off that way. It was death by a thousand cuts.

He started to give in on small things, over and over.

Do this enough and eventually, she doesn’t look at you the same way. The desire, the spark—it fades.

You’re no longer the prize.

So where do you draw the line?

Firstly, it’s not just about what she’s asking. It’s about how she’s asking.

Is she sweet about it? Does she ask with warmth and respect?

Or is she giving you orders like she’s your manager at Target?

When she says, “Hey, do you mind putting the toilet seat down?” you might do it. You might not. But you can appreciate the tone.

If she says, “Girls live here,” with that cold, caustic vibe? That’s not a request. That’s her testing you. And you better not just roll over.

So how do you respond?

You don’t need to freak out every time she gets snippy. You don’t need to storm out over every eye-roll.

But you do need to train her.

Yes, I said train.

If she’s out of pocket, you don’t argue. You just remove the prize—which is you.

You back off. Maybe you stop talking for a while. Or you leave.

You don’t reward bad behavior with more of your time or attention.

She needs to feel, at least a little bit, that you can walk away.

That’s called dread game, and it’s not about playing games. It’s about communicating your value non-verbally.

Most guys don’t understand this:

Dominance isn’t about yelling or controlling. It’s about setting the terms.

If she wants to see you twice a week and you only want once, guess what happens?

You see each other once.

That’s because you define the relationship.

This doesn’t mean being a jerk. It means living life on your terms and letting her decide if she wants to be part of it.

Are you the guy tagging along to her plans, her events, her friend group, her lifestyle?

Or is she orbiting around yours?

This is one of the clearest markers of who’s leading the relationship.

You can go to Sephora with her once. Sure.

But if you’re her full-time purse-holder while she shops for skincare, you’ve crossed a line.

It’s not about the activity. It’s about the pattern. The frame.

You need to live a life she wants to enter. Not the other way around.

Part of maintaining the upper hand is not being 100% accessible.

She doesn’t need to know everything you’re doing. She doesn’t need to be part of every plan.

That’s part of your allure.

If you’re in a long-term thing, go out once a week without her. Dress sharp. Be vague about where you’re going. Let her wonder a little.

Not in a manipulative way. In a confident way.

Remember: a man with a mission isn’t always available. He’s got things to do.

There’s no simple checklist of what’s “beta” and what’s “alpha.”

It’s all about context. Tone. Pattern. Frame.

Hold her to a high standard. She should be in love with you. She should defer to you, respect you, look at you with fire in her eyes.

If you’re constantly giving in, constantly adjusting, constantly trying to please—then you’ve already lost that fire.

And it’s only a matter of time before she starts looking elsewhere.

Doing what she asks once in a while is not necessarily a bad thing.

But every time you do, ask yourself:

Did she ask with respect?

Am I still in control of the frame?

Am I leading the relationship?

Because if the answer to those questions is no, then that small concession might be the first cut in a long, slow death.

If you believed that every woman you spoke to would be just thrilled to speak to you.

That the minute women laid eyes on you, they wanted to sleep with you.

Let’s say in reality, you were an average looking dude. Not Hollywood average—truly average. But you believed you were ridiculously attractive.

Do you believe that this thinking would an effect on your life?

Of course it would.

If you knew every woman would be receptive to you, you would walk into interactions with ridiculous confidence.

And women would respond in kind. Don’t take my word for it, read the scientific studies.

So why can’t you just decide that you are the most attractive guy on the planet and go forth and multiply?

Your brain reflects your environment. It is wired based on past experiences, and routine behaviors reinforce the same patterns.

Most people live on autopilot, repeating the same routines and interactions daily, hoping to change without making real shifts.

To change your mind, you have to change who you are. You have to change your personality.

Your personality creates your reality. Your thoughts, behaviors, and emotions define your life. To change your life, you must change these core elements.

But it can’t be rewired by just deciding to think or feel differently. Your thoughts and feelings are out of your control.

The only control you have in rewiring your mind is your actions.

Once you consistently start to leave your home and use your physical body, your mind starts to change.

Repetition strengthens neural pathways. The more you take the same actions the stronger those patterns become.

The body becomes the mind.

Over time, repeated behaviors become ingrained habits.

Breaking free requires reconditioning.

Most men wait for crisis or trauma to force change, but transformation can happen through learning and conscious effort.

The hardest part? Making the time.

The biggest challenge isn’t the process—it’s committing the time to actually do it.

So where to begin? The first step is to consistently step out of your home and go places where women are.

You don’t have to do anything else as a first step.

You don’t have to talk to women.

You don’t have to put yourself near them.

You don’t have to do anything once you get out.

You just have to put the habit into motion: going out where attractive women are.

Once this is a habit, the next steps start to take care of themselves.

This isn’t to say the next steps are easy; just that it won’t feel like an impossible task.

Your body is now in the world. And your mind starts to change, to rewire itself.

And a confident, sexy guy starts to become who you are, instead of something you’re trying to be.

On the face of it this may seem like a silly word play but underneath there’s a deeper idea.

Let’s say you’re a sprinter and you’re really good at the 100 m dash.

I take you to the starting line of a marathon. The gun goes off and you sprint for the first hundred meters as fast as you can.

What’s gonna happen next?

Well, there’s no way you can keep that pace up for 26 miles.

So now would it be fair to say that the problem with the race you ran was speed?

Not really.

Speed wasn’t the problem.

It was that you incorrectly managed that speed.

We can think of stress and anxiety the same way.

It’s an energy.

Energy is not a bad thing.

It is neither positive nor negative. It means you’re alive.

It means you can take that energy and win a 100 meter dash. Or slow it down and win a marathon.

But if you bring the 100 meter dash energy to a marathon or the marathon energy to a 100 meter dash, you’re gonna have a bad time.

Likewise with approaching women.

You see a woman you’re attracted to. You decide to speak with her.

You feel a change in your body. Maybe your heart speeds up. Your breathing changes. Your brain starts firing off a thousand thoughts at once.

That’s energy.

Now, if you don’t manage it, it turns into panic. You overthink. You freeze up. You fumble your words.

Not because the energy itself is bad. But because you didn’t channel it.

Let’s bring it back to the race.

If you take that 100-meter dash energy into the conversation, you’ll crash. You’ll talk too fast, try too hard, overcompensate.

But if you slow it down, control the pace, let the energy work for you instead of against you—now you’re in the race to win.

Imagine instead you recognize it for what it is—fuel.

You slow your breath. Relax your shoulders. Let the energy sharpen you, not control you.

Now, instead of stumbling, you position yourself with confidence. You stay present, to stay in the moment. You use that energy to be engaged, expressive, alive.

It’s the same energy either way.

One version makes you nervous and awkward.

The other makes you magnetic.

Stress isn’t the enemy. We just have to learn to manage and harness that energy so it serves us well.

Bad news: That day will never come.

But before you let that sink your spirits, here’s the twist: That’s actually a good thing.

Why Approach Anxiety Never Leaves You (And Why That’s Okay)

One of the biggest myths in self-improvement is that the fear of approaching women is something you can eliminate. That if you just grind hard enough—go out, do hundreds of approaches, push through enough resistance—one day you’ll wake up and it’ll be gone.

It won’t.

Even seasoned guys—coaches, experienced daters, social naturals—still feel something before an approach. That internal resistance, that brief moment where your brain throws excuses at you—it never disappears entirely. What changes is how you deal with it.

Take one of my coaching clients: a sharp, motivated PhD student. Smart guy, analytical, driven—but completely locked up when it came to meeting women. His mind overcomplicated everything. “What do I say? When do I say it? What if I mess up?”

The solution? Forget perfection. Instead of thinking about what he should say, we drilled a simple habit: position first, speak second.

First, just put himself in a situation where a conversation could happen. No pressure to talk—just stand near attractive women in places like markets, cafes, hotel lobbies. Then, once that became second nature, the next step was opening his mouth. Anything—a question, a request for directions, even a basic “Hey, do you know where a good coffee shop is around here?”

The result? Momentum. And momentum kills fear faster than thinking ever could.

You’re Not Trying to Get Rid of Fear—You’re Learning to Move Through It

A funny thing happens when you stop fighting anxiety and start acting despite it: It loses its grip.

It doesn’t disappear, but it stops controlling you. That moment of hesitation before an approach? You recognize it, expect it, and move anyway. You develop the habit of cutting through it before it has a chance to grow.

Think of it like working out. The discomfort never goes away—you just get stronger.

Your Fear Evolves as You Do

Let’s say you crush approach anxiety. You’re talking to women easily now. What’s next? A new challenge:

• The fear of flirting and making things sexual.
• The fear of standing your ground when she tests you.
• The fear of pulling the trigger and going for the number, the date, the kiss.

Every time you level up, a new challenge emerges. The game never ends. But that’s the fun part—growth comes from meeting those challenges head-on.

The Playbook: How to Handle Approach Anxiety Forever

Since you’re never getting rid of fear, what’s the move? You learn to play the game with it. Here’s how:

1. Stop waiting for the fear to go away. It won’t. Act despite it.
2. Move first, think later. The longer you hesitate, the harder it gets. See an opportunity? Step into it before your brain starts talking you out of it.
3. Start with positioning. You don’t have to dive into deep conversations right away. Just place yourself in proximity to women and let engagement happen naturally.
4. Have a go-to opener ready. Don’t waste mental energy overthinking what to say. Something as simple as “Hey, do you know where I can grab a good coffee around here?” is enough.
5. Detach from the outcome. Stop caring about the result. The act of approaching is the win, regardless of how she responds.
6. Expect rejection. If you’re not getting blown out sometimes, you’re not pushing yourself hard enough.
7. Reframe your self-talk. After every approach, don’t overanalyze. Instead, reinforce action: “I’m proud of myself for making the move.”

The Good News? The Game Never Ends.

If you’re still dealing with approach anxiety, congratulations—you’re alive, you’re growing, and you’re pushing yourself. The guys who never feel approach anxiety? They’re the ones who never approach at all.

The real victory isn’t in making fear disappear—it’s in learning to step forward anyway.

So the next time you feel that hesitation, that lump in your throat, that second of self-doubt—don’t wait for it to leave. Just move. That’s how you win.

While understanding emotions has undeniable value, an overemphasis on emotional awareness can lead to unintended consequences, especially when it shifts focus away from action and growth.

In my book, I delve into the importance of understanding emotions, particularly for men who often lack awareness of their feelings. This lack of awareness can lead to misinterpretations of physical and emotional signals, especially in anxiety-inducing situations like approaching someone new.

For instance, feelings of tightness in the stomach or negative thoughts during such moments might be misread as danger signals, discouraging action.

Once you become aware of these emotions, you gain the ability to decide whether or not to act on them. This self-awareness doesn’t mean eliminating discomfort; instead, it enables you to push through it.

For example, if you feel nervous about approaching someone, recognizing those feelings allows you to choose to approach anyway.

This principle is central to my course, where I help men overcome approach anxiety through gradual desensitization. The more you face your fears, the less intense the symptoms of anxiety typically become.

That said, progress isn’t always linear. You might feel increasingly confident for days, only to experience a sudden regression.

You may excel in certain environments, like a bookstore or supermarket, but feel awkward in others, like on the street.

Some coaching clients reach a point where they tell me, “I feel like I’m regressing. I was doing so well, and now I feel anxiety again.”

And this is the problem with over-focusing on emotions:

Focusing on trying to reduce uncomfortable emotions rather than taking meaningful action will lead you to some bad place.

If your goal is simply to eliminate bad feelings, the simplest solution is to avoid discomfort altogether—don’t approach people, don’t step outside your comfort zone, and don’t challenge yourself.

But this avoidance doesn’t lead to growth, fulfillment, or the life you want to live.

Instead, the true measure of progress lies in your actions, not your feelings.

Emotions are inherently variable. They’ll ebb and flow no matter how much you try to control them. Whenever you take on something new, discomfort is inevitable, and that’s a good thing—it’s a sign you’re challenging yourself.

Even as you master one skill and grow comfortable with it, you’ll naturally seek out new challenges, sparking discomfort all over again. This cycle of discomfort and mastery is the essence of growth.

Why This Matters in a Broader Context

This focus on emotions extends beyond individual growth. Today’s cultural emphasis on emotional sensitivity—especially in parenting and education—often results in children who are inwardly focused, prioritizing positive emotions over external action and growth.

While teaching kids to understand their feelings is valuable, it’s just as important to teach them resilience and the importance of taking action, even in the face of discomfort.

Children raised in overly sensitive environments may become fixated on eliciting positive emotions, neglecting the outward focus needed for personal and professional development. This inward fixation can lead to frustration and unhappiness as they encounter inevitable challenges later in life.

True growth comes from pushing through discomfort, learning from experiences, and striving for continuous improvement.

The Path Forward

Understanding your emotions is a tool, not a destination. The goal isn’t to eliminate discomfort but to act despite it.

Feelings will fluctuate, but your actions define who you are and how you grow. By focusing on the actions you want to take, rather than the emotions you want to avoid, you can live a more fulfilling, purpose-driven life.

In a world increasingly obsessed with emotions, remember that growth lies on the other side of discomfort.

Challenge yourself, embrace the struggle, and keep moving forward. Growth isn’t just about feeling good—it’s about doing the things that make life meaningful.