A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-Rumi

Perhaps she’s young and likes to party.

Or she rubs elbows with famous people.

Or she’s very successful at what she does.

And in a lot of ways it seems impossible to compete.

A few weeks ago I met a girl at a coffee shop. We ended up back at my place that day.

We got really intimate and had a great time.

The next day she left for a week to go to LA for a video premier.

She was a model and was in a video for some famous rock band.

The day after the video premier she calls me up and tells me about it.

She tells me how glitzy this party was with paparazzi and cameras and the red carpet and afterparties and famous people hitting on her and her ex-boyfriend there and how she almost fell in her high heels and how hot she looked in her dress and how she shouldn’t have gotten so drunk and what a crazy time she was having.

And then she asks me how my weekend was.

What did I do over the weekend? I went to visit my sister in Washington DC. She is married and had a baby a few months ago.

What did we do? Well hardly anything.

What do you do with a baby? We went for a walk through the suburbs.

So, here she was with her super crazy weekend.

And there I was with the least crazy weekend you can possibly imagine.

For a moment I was thinking in my head “How can I possibly compete with what she did?”

Instead, I reframed it. I talked about how amazing my weekend was.

“My weekend was amazing. My nephew is so cute! Oh my god, it was so nice to get away from the city! It was so relaxing!”

“We went for a walk through the woods and we really got to connect with each other. I really don’t get to see her enough. I am so glad I went.”

The reframe. If you look at it through her lense, like she’s the coolest thing out there and it’s impossible to compete, you will lose.

Stop trying to compete.

Instead, turn it around, she will see things from your point of view.

Be confident in your lifestyle and how you’ve chosen to live it.

Would I have liked to have gone to a video premier in LA?  Hell yeah!  Sounds like fun. But I can also express to her how much I appreciate the life I’ve chosen to live.

In this way, I pull her into my world instead of me drowning in hers.

This doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate her world. I certainly do. I must be able to appreciate her or there’s no sense in knowing her.

And I’m not trying to one-up her and always follow-up her stories with my own stories.  I really listen to her.

But I am constantly showing her how great my world is.

And in that way I challenge her.

In that way, she starts to question whether she has enough going for her to be around me instead of the other way round.

This is my world, baby. See if you can keep up in it.

“What must a guy do to grow up and become a real man?”

I have strong feelings about that.

It has nothing to do with how many women you bed.

Or how much you accomplish in life.

And it certainly has nothing to do with disrespecting women in general.

Or losing your ability to feel for another person.

Instead, it comes down to one single thing.

Here is the most important thing a guy must do if he wants to be ‘real man.’

If you can do this, you have become a man, mastered inner game, taken hold of your reality:

Take initiative.

That is the most important thing that a man must be able to do.

That is the most important characteristic of the leader, the alpha male, the confident cool sexy guy.

He is able to take initiative.

That initiative can be walking up to a woman and talking to her.

But it can also be any kind of initiative in any social situation.

Speaking up in a group.

Taking the lead in a conversation.

Saying ‘Hi, how are you?’ to a cashier when she says ‘May I help you?’

Sexually escalating when you are with the girl.

Being fun and playful even though you’re scared.

Dropping down into deep conversation and making yourself vulnerable at the appropriate time.

Taking initiative can mean taking the lead.

But it also means acting on your impulse, doing something spontaneously, staying in touch with your inner animal.

I have done many things in my life to ‘become a man.’

I have grown in many ways, from moving into my own apartment in New York City, to starting my own company, to countless other challenging tasks.

But the most important has been learning how to take initiative socially.

There is nothing I have ever done in my life that has been more challenging, nor given me more confidence.

I hold it up as the single thing which has empowered me the most.

By taking initiative you begin taking responsibility.

When you take initiative, you learn to deal with the repercussions of your initiative.

Maybe you creep a girl out.  And you walk away feeling creeped out yourself.

Ouch.  Doesn’t feel good.

But you take responsibility for that and say “Okay, I learned something.  Didn’t mean to do it.”

I accept those feelings and learn not to feel guilty or ruminate over it.

And I take initiative again in the future, even though this may happen again.

I take action in the world and deal with the consequences.

A little boy walks around with the naive idea that he can be nice and inoffensive to everyone.

In reality this is impossible.  Every time you take initiative to be friends with someone, you overstep some boundaries.

Every time you push past the friend zone with a woman, maybe even just hold her hand, you are overstepping some boundaries.

You are taking initiative and living with the repercussions of that initiative.

And this is not something you can just do mentally.  Perhaps you are reading this post and agree with what I’m saying.

This doesn’t make you a man.

To become mature, you must actually go out and take action.  This is something that happens in your body.

Your emotions are in your body, not in your mind.  Confidence is in your body, not in your mind.

So by taking physical action in the real world, rather than just mentally understanding concepts, you mature.

By taking small calculated risks, you toughen yourself up to failure and build up your tolerance so that you can take greater risks.

You live through the pain and it makes you a stronger individual.

You accept all of those feelings and decide that you will accept those feelings again in the future.

And I’ll add two more things about ‘becoming a real man.’

This concept holds true for women as well.

Women have different components in terms of their ‘game,’ but the basic path of maturity through initiative happens for them in almost the same way.

Secondly, when you do take a risk and sexually escalate things with a woman you are not doing it unaware.

Being a ‘real man’ is also about respecting women and respecting the situation.

Most guys reading this could probably stand to be more aggressive, to take more initiative, and be more persistent.

But when a woman says No, that needs to be respected.

You of course can walk away if you don’t get what you want.  You certainly shouldn’t stick around and get the short end of the stick.

And if she says No, you can always try again later.

But you never ever push past a woman’s boundaries when she has indicated otherwise.

I’m looking at pictures of her and me together and I almost don’t recognize them.

I see me but I wonder how I was so secure at the time.

It’s like I never really truly looked at her.  I was always looking away. My attention was focused elsewhere while hers was focused on me.

Now it’s changed.

There’s a brand new attention.

I am focused on her.  She got my attention.  Which indicates to me that I’ve probably lost her attention.

Or at least it feels that way.

She’s fucking my best friend.  I found out two weeks ago.

Over drinks she told me there was something there with him.  And I dug deeper.

I flipped out on her when she told me.  And later flipped out on my best friend.

It tore me apart, even though her and I had been broken up for a few months.

The relationship had been an interesting one.  But typical for me to be honest.

She was focused on me.  She wanted me.  Entirely.  Waiting for my every move.

If I wanted to hang out with her more, she would do it. The converse wasn’t true.  Somehow she always slightly over-stayed her welcome.

I loved things about her as a person.  She understood me.  She was there for me.  She motivated me.  She supported me.

She was very attractive and extremely fuckable.  I liked having her.

But there was always something missing.  Like what we had wasn’t enough.  And I always knew it.

Until now.

After we broke up, I missed her.  I wasn’t over her.  It took me a long time.

I even used the premise of friendship to see her again.

Now, it’s different.  It’s a missing her where she is idealized.  She is no longer just her.  She is an icon, a symbol.

Much larger than life.

I see flashes of her in my mind when I miss her.  And at the moments that it catches me most unaware, I see a different woman.

A woman who hurt me years ago.  My first girlfriend when I was 18.

She tore me apart.  Left me bleeding.  Even though I was the one who left her.

It is the injured animal that is most dangerous.  A woman scorned.

Leaves you for your best friend.  Triples the pain.  Infects the wounds.  Treats you like you deserve something.

When things change, a woman’s love can turn around.  In an instant.  Or in a lifetime.

And while you’re with her you know that it can change.  Perhaps you’ve even experienced that change before.

But the completed heart can’t visualize the position of the other.

It is impossible to see/hear/smell/taste the position of wanting.

From the moment autonomy is gained, there is no looking back.  Until the tables are turned once again.

I welcome the pain.  And part of me laughs, glad that she has won.

For it is the one who is left in longing that gets to do what is at the heart of what all us humans long for:  to feel.

How fragile that zone is.  How easy it is to get knocked out of it.

I soak it up and feel all of it.

It comes and goes in waves.

Logically I know I will eventually get over her.  Time will heal this.

But when I do feel it, it feels like eternity, like it will never go.

Some trick my heart plays on me.

Some people call these “tests,” where a woman will purposefully test you to see if you are as confident as you first came across.

However, in any relationship, there will be points when the other person does something you don’t like.

Maybe she disrespects you.  Or hurts you.  Or angers you.

The way you react in these situations will determine the future nature of your relationship with that person.

Years ago I had a friend who was in a relationship.  He cared about her, but she would nag him.  Incessantly.

“Joe, don’t sit like that!”  “Joe why do you say things like that!”  “Joe don’t eat so many cupcakes!”

It was abysmal to be around the two of them because of how she nagged him.

She was insane.  Beyond just the nagging.

But I blame him for the nagging.  100%.  It was he who allowed this into his life.

It was his responsibility entirely to cut off something like this from the very first instant.

So how do you handle unacceptable behavior from women?  Maybe she insulted you.  Or ignored you.  Or slept with your best friend.

Can you really change a woman’s behavior?

You cannot completely control her behavior—and you wouldn’t want to.

She is a separate human being who has decided on her own free will to be with you.  You turning into an over-bearing control freak would destroy that.

But there are certain things in your life that are acceptable and unacceptable.  And in this way, the answer is Yes.  100%.

You teach people how to treat you.  And here’s how.

Ignore It

This is the most basic and effective way to handle minor bullshit.  This is your baseline.

When you first meet a woman, she will throw some things at you.  Maybe she says something like “I don’t like that shirt.”

Yes, you could come up with something witty to say back.  But you really don’t need to.  In fact, that can be counter-productive.

When you are the coolest guy ever, you simply don’t allow things like this into your reality.  It simply doesn’t register with you.

It’s as if she said something weird and inappropriate and you’re not going to justify it with a response.

Sort of like the way you would handle a toddler if she said that to you.

You may smirk for a moment and think it’s cute, but you really wouldn’t dwell on it.

I sometimes have women neg me.  One woman recently said to me “I like the way you stand, all confident, with your belly hanging out.”

I laughed it off.  I am far too confident to let that upset me.

The cool guy is not easily upset and is slow to anger.

Banter Back

Believe it or not, a witty retort is often less effective than ignoring it.

If you do want to banter, the idea, again, is that she’s a child saying something cute.

You can start off with “That’s so cute…”  and then misinterpret whatever she said to mean that she is trying to hit on you.

She says she doesn’t like your shirt.  You say “That’s so cute, you’re trying to get me to take my shirt off! I’m not that easy!”

If she says “We’re not having sex tonight,” you could respond with “That’s so cute, you’re thinking about sex already.”

Again though, simply ignoring it is the best way to handle minor retardations that spew from her mouth.

If it is only occasionally that something like this happens, to respond with your own barb can come across as petty, as if it did hurt you.

Instead, laugh it off or change the subject and move on.

Communicate/Call It Out/Express Anger.  

Sometimes the infraction is more severe, or repeated and it needs to be dealt with.

Example:  She repeatedly insults you or keeps going back to the same insult.

Call it out.  “Wow, you really have no couth in expressing yourself.”

Example:  She throws a temper tantrum or is whiny or crabby.

Call it out.  “Why are you being so crabby today?”

Note: There are certainly situations when a woman is truly upset.  If there is a real situation there, then by all means connect with her.  Otherwise call her out on her bullshit.

Example:  She said she would call you later and doesn’t.

Communicate with her.  “You said you would call later and you didn’t.  I think that’s kinda lame.”

Example:  She slept with your best friend.

You can, and should express anger.  As the king of your domain,  you are slow to anger.  But you certainly should express anger in the appropriate situation.

In this situation, you should freak the fuck out on her (non-violently of course).  She deserves it.

If you don’t express your anger now, you will regret it later.

Communication is a tool that works sometimes.

But it is also meaningless without the ability to take the most important action of all:  walk away from her.

You want to be able to communicate with her before withdrawing so she knows that her actions have or will precipitate your withdrawal.  This makes withdrawal much more effective.

Pull Away/Walk the Fuck Away.

First and foremost, you always have the option of pulling away from her.
Standing up and walking away from the interaction is always on the table.

This is by far the most important tool in your arsenal and the basis for which all others depend.  If you can’t walk away from her, you become subservient in the relationship.

If you can’t pull away in the right measure and effectively, you have no choice but to take bullshit.

This option can and should be exercised at any time from first meeting her to your fifth date to your fifth year with her.

Your presence is a gift to her.  If her behavior is egregious enough, you simply take yourself away.

Example: You’re on a date with her and she keeps texting her friends.

Call it out first. “What’s with all the texting?  You’re boring me.”

And if she still isn’t responding to your liking, tell her you are going home for the evening.

Pulling away is ultimately the main tool you have for getting respect.

It is the most difficult thing to master, but once you do, you find there is 99% less drama in your life.

And when that 1% crops up, you know how to handle it.

In this way, you are acting like you have a lot of options, whether you do or not.

Ultimately, the most dominant person, the ultimate decision-maker in the relationship is the one who defines the relationship.

And the trump card in defining any relationship is the ability to walk away.

Example:  A year ago I started seeing a woman.  We had just become exclusive/monogamous.  I called her one night and she didn’t return my call.

The next morning she called me back and told me that she had gotten really drunk and made out with another guy.

Bad behavior.  Not quite bad enough to completely end things, but bad enough that there needed some action.

So I met with her and told her I wouldn’t be exclusive with her anymore.  I took it away from her.

There was a marked change in her behavior toward me after that.  It changed the entire dynamic of the relationship to one of respect.

This is not game playing.  Game playing is if you do something just to see how she’ll react.

If you truly are ready to walk away, it’s serious.  You are communicating to her what you allow and what you don’t allow in your life.

And if she truly does the unacceptable beyond repair, you must have the balls to completely walk away.

Delete her out of your life.  Nuke her from orbit.  Remove her number from your phone.  Unfriend her from facebook.

But you must be absolutely sure that you will not come crawling back to her or you’ve doubled the problem.

This is where the true alpha shows his cards.  He can walk away.

And even guys who are not so great with women can fake it till they make by not allowing any drama in their lives.

You should also be able to demonstrate the ability to walk away in smaller increments so that it doesn’t need to be demonstrated in larger ways.

If she doesn’t return one of your calls or texts, you don’t want to flip out and never speak to her again.

You can’t constantly cut meaningful people out of your life, particularly for smaller issues.

Communicate the problem if it’s appropriate and pull away for a day or two and not take initiative.

Cancel a date with her.

In this way, you can communicate to her in smaller increments what is acceptable to you and what isn’t.

In the end, your ability to live a healthy life is dependent on your ability to leave a bad relationship, whether it’s a five minute relationship, a five week relationship, or a five year relationship.

Your capacity to deal with the pain and walk away will ultimately define your happiness in the relationships you choose.

Once you start to have zero tolerance for drama and bullshit in any of your relationships, you suddenly start to get a lot less in all your relationships.

Without even having to take measures, women will sense this around you and won’t t give you much bullshit.

She has tight skinny gray hipster jeans on, auburn hair and dorky glasses.

She walks into the card section.

I walk over behind her.

I couldn’t think of much to say so I say “Hey, do you know where I can find a card for a bachelor party?”

She lights up with a smile and says “Oooh… I don’t know…”

“What kind of card do you get someone for a bachelor party,” she says.
She was friendly, looking around for me.

“Maybe a condolence card?” I say.

“Maybe…” she says.

“You’re awesome,” I banter with her. “I’m gonna hire you as my personal shopper.”

She giggles.

“You know,” I say, “I get the feeling you’re not from around here.”

She says she grew up here.

“Really?” I say.  “I don’t know why I get the vibe that you’re from California.  You’re just laid back and chill, not like New Yorkers.”

“I actually go to school in california,” she says.

“Oh yeah?  Where?  Wait don’t tell me, let me guess.  San Francisco?”

She says “No, L.A.  But you probably would have guessed there next.”

“Oh wait, don’t tell me, you’re not a drama queen, are you?”  I say.

She laughs and says “Yeah, I’m studying drama!”

“Oh no, I gotta stay away from you!” I say.

“But I study music too!”

“Well, at least there’s that,” I say.

We start to talk about music, what kind of music she does.

“What’s your inspiration for writing songs?” I say. “Do you need some guy to break your heart?  Cuz I’m really good at that.”

“No, that’s why I’m taking classes, so you don’t need to do that!”

Then this guy walks up.

I introduce myself to him. I can tell it’s probably her boyfriend.

“Do you make music too?” I ask him.

She turns to him and says “Oh my god, he totally guessed that I’m from L.A. and that I make music!”

But it wasn’t in an explanation way, it was as if she were truly impressed that I had made any kind of connection with her at all.

“Well, you guys enjoy your day,” I say as I walk off.

There are plenty of things wrong with the way I look.

I have a big nose, small squinty eyes, a weak chin.  My hair is thinning.

I’ve always had very poor posture.  And a bit of a belly.

My skin is pasty white.  Hold my arm up next to someone and I am almost always whiter.

I’m 36 years old and spent a decade and a half trying to meet women.   And never has a woman come up to me.

I never got approached by women.  Ever.

I’ve gotten interest in social circles, but it has always always been after women have gotten to know me.

My looks are nothing to write home about.  But when I walk around, I feel like I’m gorgeous.

When I walk into a bar, I see myself as more attractive than any other guy in the bar.  And I truly believe it.

I date gorgeous women.  Some of them are models, actresses, dancers, etc.

And when I stand next to them and look in the mirror, I always wonder whether THEY are hot enough to date ME.

I am a perfect ten.

How is that possible?

My last girlfriend told me that, when we first started dating, her friends asked her if I’m hot.

She responded that, yes, I’m hot, but it’s more the total package, the way I act.

Behavior speaks louder than looks.

Confidence trumps everything—your physical attractiveness, how much money you make, even how smart you are.

But for most guys, they still cling to the idea that they aren’t handsome enough to get whatever woman they want.

They’re too short, fat, bald, poor or ugly to get the woman they want.

And I look at these guys and it frustrates me to no end.  Because it really isn’t their looks that hold them back.  They just think it is.

So if you FEEL unattractive and ugly, how do you get to feel attractive, to feel like a 10, like I do?

I haven’t always felt like a ten.  In fact I used to be insecure about my looks.  I used to be the guy who felt like I wasn’t good looking enough.

And no matter what I did, buy new clothes, got a new hairstyle, grew a beard—I was doomed to being ugly.

So what changed?  How do you become that perfect 10?

Take Initiative

The first thing that changed is that I started to take initiative to meet women I didn’t know.

And I got rejected, a lot.

But as I started to tweak different things it became apparent to me that certain things worked and certain things didn’t.

It wasn’t so much my fat ugly head that was scaring women off, it was my body language, the way I moved, my voice tone and the things I decided to say.

Now after approaching more women than I can count, I never ever ever attribute rejection to my looks.

You start to see huge variations in the way women react to you based entirely on how you interact with them.

I have good days and bad days.  And I still sometimes doubt myself.

I still have days when I wonder if I can actually change.

But I never ever doubt whether I’m physically attractive enough for this.

When you start to take action, and take it over and over again, you start to focus on where the struggle really is: your behavior.

Affirmations

Affirmations are probably one of the important things I’ve done to feel more attractive.  I would say that it’s the crux of my inner game.

You can read more about affirmations here and here.

Affirmations are a way that you can adjust how you FEEL about yourself.

You can actually feel attractive without someone else being attracted to you or doing things that make you feel attractive.

Affirmations are not a cure-all for every issue you have with women.

But as much as thinking positively can help—and it can help a lot—affirmations will benefit  you wildly.

It’s about what you do with what you have

Lastly, when it comes to looks and physicality, the idea is that you want to change what you have control over.

There are certain things you have no control over.

You may be short, bald, paraplegic, missing an arm, or have severe facial disfigurement.

I’ve coached guys with all of these issues.

But confidence is louder than looks

If it is something you have control over, like long nose hairs, then you need to take care of that.

I am meticulous about cleanliness.  It’s very rare to find me unshaven.  I’m like a gay man.

You can work out, improve your posture and most importantly: change your style.

Style is extremely important for women because it shows social intelligence.

What you wear is a reflection of who you are, how you think and how much you think of yourself.

How tall you are is not.

What it comes down to is that there are things in your life you can change.

And when you do enough work to change those, the things you can’t change start to fade to the background.

I asked her a question.

“How important are looks to women?”

“Have you ever dated a guy that wasn’t as hot as me?” I said with a wink.

She started talking about a previous guy she’d dated, a “friend” of hers she described as a natural…

“This guy was not so great in the looks department,” she said, “But he walks into bars like he’s the hottest guy in there.

And everyone buys it.

They’re like “That’s the hottest guy in the whole bar!”

He’s got a huge red-haired Irish afro and is pasty and white and short and probably could drink less beer and work out more.

I’m being honest. He would agree with me.

But he has no qualms about how he looks.  He’s 100% confident about who he is.

Things that someone describe in him as unattractive, he didn’t worry about those things.

He’s so confident about how he looks, it isn’t even something you think about.

He’ll wear plaid suits into bars and still everyone wants to talk to him.

He doesn’t care.

It’s how he carries himself.

He’s not gorgeous but he carries himself in a way that reads as drop-dead model gorgeous.

He has amazing posture.  It’s very look-at-me posture, like I’m not afraid for you to look at me.

At no point does he ever apologize with his body.

It’s open.

It’s confident.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen him cross his arms in his entire life.  He’s wide open.

He puts his hands out in the air all the time.  He’s just incredibly confident with his body.

The way he interacts with people is incredible. He’s really good at picking on people in a way that makes them want to talk to him more.

I think that’s the biggest thing that makes him hot. He’s not afraid. He doesn’t care.

One time, we were in this shitty shitty neighborhood.  And he parked his car and bumped the car behind us and the car in front of us.

There were all these thugs on the corner.  And they were like “You just hit my car!”

I was thinking, oh god, we’re going to get shot.

And he yells “That’s what bumpers are for!”

And they’re all like “Heh heh heh, that’s funny!  You wanna hang out!”

I was like, what just happened?

The way he said it wasn’t like ‘oops, my bad,’ it was like ‘No damage was done, whatever.’

We were in an elevator once and he started talking to this woman with a baby.  At first she was nervous.

But by the time we got to the ground floor she was holding the elevator to keep talking to him.

He just really enjoys talking to people.  He just likes learning things about strangers.

He’s actually interested in people, and because of that they’re like ‘cool!’ and flattered and they want to talk to him.

He’s great with women.  He’s a real ladies man.  All the girls love him. They’re all about it.

As much as he’s a big baller in the bar, he’s also just really funny and chill.

He could always keep things light and fun but wasn’t afraid of having a serious conversation.

A lot of guys are scared of their emotions. But with him, if he felt a way about something, he would let you know, even if it were something that was upsetting to him.

He could be incredibly sincere without trying to be sincere.  The people who were his friends were like ‘That’s the guy to go to.’”

What does this mean?  And how do you get a life?

There are two things that will give you the foundation for ‘having a life’ and thus building a social circle.

These two separate things are: passions and interests.

Passions are things that drive your life. It is your purpose.  It is what  you spend a lot of time working on.

Your passion is what you end up thinking about in your spare time because it gives you pleasure to think about it.

While it’s possible to have a few passions in your life, you usually only have one passion at a time.

You find it challenging and interesting and thus focus on learning, growing and accomplishing things in that area.

You spend a lot of time doing it and, in a sense, you are what you do.  You live for your passion.

Music might be a passion.  Your business might be a passion.  Politics might be your passion.  Your job might be your passion.

Your passion may change over time as you discover a new passion or lose interest in your old passion.

People are attracted to passion and passionate people. People can see the excitement on your face when you talk about your passion.

It makes you alive and exciting.  It draws people to you.

Everyone wants passion in their life, so when you have a passion it makes you contagious, like a fire.

Interests are different than your passion, but equally important when it comes to making friends.

They may be similar to a passion, but it is not something you spend a lot of time and thought on.  You aren’t quite as ambitious.

So maybe I am passionate about curing cancer, but one of my interests is wine-tasting.

Or I may be passionate about wine-tasting and have a passing interest in collecting bugs or building model railroads or playing chess.

You can have a lot of interests but generally only one, maybe two passions at most.

Having a broad range of interests is ideal for making friends.  Doing activities that involve your interests allows you to meet a lot of other people with the same interests.

You have a lot of conversation to share about those topics and you can relate to other people.

It’s important to have casual interests and not just a passion.

There have been times in my life when I have focused on my passion too much to the exclusion of other interests.  This was counter-productive for my social life.

At one point I was very passionate about about music.  Yes, I did meet people through my passion, but I had difficulty connecting with people on other levels.

Because my experiences were mainly around music, I had trouble relating to other parts of life.  Like a horse with blinders on, I was too focused.

All I got excited about was music so people had a hard time relating to me.

And if I couldn’t connect with people about music, it was difficult to be friends with them. I didn’t do a lot of things outside of music.

I also know people who have interests but don’t pursue any of those interests with any fervor.  Passion is attractive, so in a sense, they may be less attractive.

However, I would say that someone with many interests and few discernable passions can still develop a strong social circle if they are simply passionate about enjoying their life.

How to Develop New Passions and Interests

Passions and interests are cultivated.

Anyone who has ever gotten involved in any activity started off with little knowledge and experience with that activity.

You follow your proclivities.  You explore.  You try things out.

This can be one of the most difficult things for people with social anxiety.  There is a tendency to stay where you are comfortable, to not explore new locations and interests.

Find One New Social Activity Each Week.

To start out, I recommend that you go to ONE new activity a week.  Research and find something that interests you.  Try something out.

Don’t try to do TEN events in one week.  Or you’ll burn yourself out.

Always Say Yes

There was a recent Jim Carrey movie called “Yes Man” where he changes his life by simply saying yes to everything.  Great way to go.

Whenever a friend or someone invites you out to something, always say yes.

Whenever you are faced with a choice to go home and rest or go out and play, always choose to go and live.

You do not live at home.  You live your life outside of your home.

Be willing to go out alone.

If you are trying to meet new people, you need to be willing to go alone.

This is important.  To develop passions and interests, you can’t always rely on friends to go out with you.

It’s okay to be afraid or anxious to go to these events alone.  Take the pressure off yourself and just show up for a half hour if it gives you too much anxiety.

Some interests and passions are more social than others. 

If your intent is to be more social, you are wise to explore interests that are naturally more social.

I used to make electronic music.  You spend hours and hours and hours at home alone in front of your computer working on things.  Not very social.

Even if you collaborate the bulk of your time working tends to be alone.

That’s why I recently learned how to play the drums.  I suck at it, but at least it was something I was doing I could do with other people in a group.

Salsa dancing–social interest.  Computer programming–not so social.  Volunteer work–social.  Writing–not so social.

This isn’t to say less social activities are not worthwhile.  Most activities can be social or non-social depending on what you do with it.  If you really are interested in writing, you could join a writer’s group or go to poetry readings.

But certain activities have built in social aspects that will make meeting friends a lot easier.  So if your intention is to meet new people, choose activities that are more social.

Types of Activities

Take a Class. A cooking class, an acting class, a writing class, a dance class, or a yoga class.

Go to a spiritual, political or volunteer activity.  Go to a church or some other religious/spiritual gathering of people.

Find a political cause and work together with activists to make change.  Having a common goal makes socializing easier.

Go to a museum, a concert or a trade show.

I’ve been going to a lot of art gallery openings lately.  They’re great fun.  They usually have free wine and a lot of people.  People at these events love talking to new people.  It’s almost too easy.

Do something outdoors.  Go skydiving, camping, hiking, horseback riding, snowboarding, jet skiing.

Join a band or take up a new musical instrument.

Use your awesome internet skills to find fun events in your area that interest you.

As you ‘get a life’ your conversations will improve.  Even if you aren’t camping with someone else, you will still have great stories to talk about with people who don’t camp.

People can tell when you have a life and do interesting things.  Without it, your social interactions will be paper-thin and boring.

If  you do have a lot of interests and passion in your life, you will have things you enjoy doing with women.  They will want to become part of your life.

You will naturally become a much more attractive guy.

Four years since I began this journey of changing my confidence with women.

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life and, by far, the most worthwhile.

There is nothing like feeling great in social situations.

Human beings are social creatures.  When we feel good socially, we feel good in our selves.

You probably wouldn’t recognize me before I began.  I was a shadow of the man I am now.

Still, it’s not all good days.

I noticed throughout my journey, that no matter how good I get, no matter how confident I become, I still feel unconfident at times.

Sure, even at my least confident now, I am ten times more confident than I was at my most confident before, but those unconfident days hurt.

I feel down.

No matter how good I get, I raise the bar for myself.   So even though I am way better than I was, I am still below par for me.

This is normal.

In fact, I notice a pattern. It’s not just that one day I’ll feel great and the next day I’ll feel down. It’s that the confidence–and lack there of–tends to be cumulative.

It has momentum.

It seems to follow a sine wave:

When I’m feeling great, at the top of the wave, I am on top of the world.  Every person I take initiative with responds well to me–or at least it feels like it.

I expect people to respond well–and they do.  If feels like I’ve hardly ever been rejected.

Women I’ve met before are texting me, taking initiative with me.  My friends are calling me up to hang out.

I walk around with an air of confidence.

And then it subsides back down to a normal level.  I’m at zero.

Not bad.  But not amazing.

And the trajectory continues.

I may start to feel unconfident.  Maybe I get a few rejections in a row.  My game feels “off.”

I become slightly more needy–wanting validation from people.  Perhaps trying to hard.

I expect worse reactions from people–and so I get it.

All I can remember are the rejections I’ve gotten.

I feel like I don’t want to take initiative. There’s more anxiety, more fear and what feels like depression. I just want to go home and hide, entertain myself alone until I feel better.

When I hit this low point, it helps to know what to do. What’s important here is that I realize that I am at that point.

This helps me to do the most important thing I can possible do at this point:

Laugh.

I just laugh.  And think to myself, okay, I’m at my low-point.  This is a natural process.

One week from now, if I keep going, I’ll be feeling great. This low point will pass.

I try to take everything with a grain of salt.

Stop thinking about texting that girl.  Wait it out for a day or two.  Let her text you.

And often–but not always–she does.

Things start to change.

And the trajectory starts to shift again.  I come back up to where I’m feeling normal.

And then, if I keep at it, I will eventually feel great again.

A few things to consider about this:

It would be great to be non-reactive.  It would be great if I could be 100% internally validated and not depend on the reactions of others.

Yes, this is a good goal.  But it’ s not completely possible.

We react to the world we live in.  That’s what makes this beautiful and fun.

That confidence, or lack of self-confidence, seeps out of every fiber of your being.  When you’re on, you radiate.

When you’re off, people can sense it.

That’s why it helps to “know” what confidence looks like.  You can still be fairly confident on the outside, even if you don’t necessarily feel super confident on the inside.

For example, a lack of confidence could come out in speaking quietly.  You could force yourself to speak loudly and act confidently, even if you aren’t confident.

This helps you to regain that confidence and swing back up into the top of the wave again.

You also want to keep taking initiative.  Being able to take initiative is at the heart of confidence.

So even though I’m feeling down, I still exercise.  I still initiate interactions with people I don’t know, even if I have my doubts whether it will go anywhere.

Or, depending on how down I’m feeling, I’ll pull it back and at least take a walk around my neighborhood.

Do something.

If I can take initiative when I’m down, think about how much more confident my initiative-taking will be when I feel good.

And when it comes down to it, the taking of initiative is the very thing that will get me to feel good again.

Everyone has felt the deep, dark black hole of depression.

That cycle of feeling bad and not taking initiative is what keeps you in that hole.

And you may wonder, why go through all the work if you still have good days and bad days no matter what you do?

I still feel better, more empowered overall.  I’ve come to expect these fluctuations in my life.

But most importantly, I have the ability to act, to change my situation.

When you feel empowered, the lows don’t stay low for long.

And the social is always key.  There’s nothing like having friends to help you back up when you’re feeling down.

We all have ups and downs.  Every person on earth feels great some days and less great on other days.

That’s the beauty of living this life.  But it can help to know that those ups and downs exist and are natural for each and every one of us, no matter how confident you become.