Along the way, when cameras came, the photos became my muse. Every pattern that I had been observing while travelling in trains and buses, and the portraits of strangers you see on billboards or by the window panes, or when they are selling at marketplaces or in the traffic blocks, and the landscapes captured by your eyes at the beach, at the historical landmarks, all were now collectibles like your old stamp book. Even if I don’t want to share the photos I took on social media, at times I take some of them just for myself, to enjoy the creation I did, to marvel and pat silently on myself for my ability to notice and frame those with my eyes. A small step to loving myself more.

Every school going nerd lists out reading as their hobby when asked. I was no different. I also enjoyed movies and serials too. Now as media transitioned to Youtube and webseries, I realised its not the medium but the stories that pulled me in. Like the articles on Sunday newspaper supplements, or the Reader’s Digest essays and interviews, or the gossips you eavesdrop on while riding metro or public bus, it were the anecdotes of human beings that revived my curiosity with life. To learn that someone could’ve had worst experience than me or someone could experience a joyful feeling which I haven’t ever. It could also be called the power of humanity I guess.

And as a soil base for all these streams of audio and visual arts, my words flow down to this blog or my personal journal when needed. I water it at times so that my tree of life can flourish with music, pictures and memories.

Edit: How could I forget one of the core anchors called self love. It’s trending among influencers but in last few years, what worked for me is the haircuts. Always being a fan of short hair, I could cut my hair short only after Covid. It may have something to do with me turning 40 too, to represent the freedom of doing what I want without bothering others opinions. Some do a day at spa etc to pamper themselves but for me haircut makes a great difference. Just like pruning the branches, it makes me feel that it’s a fresh start and that I can grow again…

The calmness, with which I accepted and allowed myself to do such nothings, and not judge myself for not rising up to others expectations, is a personal growth to me. Though I see the glimpses of the shadow whispering in the corner of my mind that its not enough, I could notice that the voice has become feeble compared to the previous years. Has this nourished me? I am not sure. This seems similar to how you just leave the plants on its own, without overwatering, without stuffing the soil with compost, but just removing the weeds that crawl onto it that does not allow it to grow, and instead give room to breathe, and space to grow, not disturbing it for a while.

Once the judgements are gone, I could see the world is big enough for everyone. Many people who live in their own world, confidently without bothering what the other says, say lgbt people, divorced people, unmarried people, adults who has left the parents or kids and living their off beaten path, finding their own tribe even if its few and small, maybe isolated but happy and content.

And in the silence that prevails, maybe the answers arrive hazily even if there is no full clarity, unaware of which questions are being answered, but nudging us to take small steps here and there, unknowingly benefiting my life.

The easiest way for a young introvert mom to catch some me time is to either read books, or watch shows. You don’t need anyone to babysit your kid, and can take time out when they are at playschool or when they play in their own world with their toys at night. Hence it was easy for me to get used to the shows airing on TV, soon after her cartoon time.

Aashiqui 2 was a hit movie released in 2013 and I was addicted to the songs. (Our kid too – we have her recorded rendition of the song as sweet memory!). When “Meri Aashiqui Tumse Hi (MATSH)” was aired in 2014 on Colors TV, it was the song that lured me in. For someone who grew on Ekta Kapoor’s K serials, the story didn’t mattered much. The chemistry of the actors usually was the hook that brings in the audience like me. “Nisha Aur Uske Cousins (NAUC)” was for young college audience and aired simultaneously on Star Plus. The young nok-jhok vibes of Nibir was a relief from the drama on the other show.

As soon as these shows ended, Sony Liv aired two fresh shows “Kuch Rang Pyar Ke Aise Bhi (KRPKAB)” and “Ek Duje Ke Vaaste (EDKV)” in 2016. Both had fresh banger catchy OSTs and if the jodi chemistry was the hook, music was what sealed them for me. Unlike other shows, the story of KRPKAB and its screenplay was very clean and beautiful and mesmerised the writer in me. It was very naturally progressing and though there was the usual Saas Bahu drama, it was not at all dramatic. The conflicts were real, with no unnecessary third angles, infidelity or memory loss, re-marriages. And then in 2017, “Yeh Un Dinon Ki Baat Hai (YUDKBH)” started which brought back 90s nostalgia in me. By this time, the toddler grew up and I had full day to myself. Along with venturing out of home, figuring out my hobbies, and alternate careers, the following years upto Covid passed by smoothly. Now, this year, I have fallen back to yet another show, “Tu Juliet Jatt Di (TJJD)” based on college love story in Chandigarh.

Just like in books, I realised I am attracted to the love stories than fantasy, thriller or crime stories. The shipping of the jodi and their chemistry, then discussing over the plots and scenes with online audience on Twitter, doing the character analysis, guessing future plots and twists, seeing the edits made by fans on Instagram on our favourite songs, appreciation posts on the actors and the actresses, fangirling over them, watching the interviews, smiling, giggling, crying, all adds to the adrenaline experience. Awaiting major plot events, the buildup to it, the trending of hashtags for milestone episodes and crash outs on social media if the track goes downhill, you feel like you are part of a community with a whole bunch of strangers.

If Robin Williams in “Dead Poets Society” talked about Carpe Diem, I did try to make life extraordinary in my own way. Not by doing anything extraordinary but by living on my instinct every single day. And when he quoted “But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.” , I meant it as to observe the feelings in all the people and stories around us. In real and on reel.

Being productive is a yardstick which gets measured from your childhood. Playing is not productive while studying checks the list. Similarly for watching TV, movies, or playing video games. I think the criteria for productive activities is based on the measurable outcome. If you get good marks(study), or money(job), or improve your health(workout) its productive, otherwise not. Maybe we are not able to measure the qualitative results that comes out of having fun and entertainment in life. Owing to survival instinct? Just like how the kids retort these days( in every generation), “but we are not living in your ancient era, mom”. That sounds true too. Why are we still clutching onto those outdated mechanisms?

Have you observed how the retired elderly spend their times? Most of them keep themselves occupied with religious activities, or travel, or catching up with relatives and friends. And most of them keep worrying about time running out too. As if they have lots to do before the final call arrives. Do they think they didn’t their life fully till now? The struggles of earning money, creating a family, and establishing their role in their ancestral lineage – aren’t those enough for them to constitute a fully lived life? They think they want to travel the world, but whose dreams are they? Do they distinguish between the feelings of FOMO and their own dreams? When Appa spend time sleeping most of the time, I only miss the time he could spend talking or engaging with us; no complaints that he is being unproductive. Or people who are bedridden, they worry themselves that they are being a burden on others. Do their lives doesn’t matter at all? Why are we obsessed with human beings being useful all the time?

Recently, a conversation stirred up the hornet’s nest in me regarding how I am contributing to the society. Unlike this online persona I have of being a chirping bubbly tweetbird, I can now accept that I don’t have much social life neither a friend circle. The question then arises of what meaningful contributions I do to my relationships, apart from my family. The cynic in me often believes that unless you are a saint (not the new-age ones), every relationship is born out of one aspect of survival instinct – to feel connected to the society they live in. Isolation is brutal. And if there was a way to feel connected without giving anything away in terms of time or money, people would opt in happily. Haven’t you all seen the charity contributions that saves their taxes? Even temple donations come out of the belief that God would return the favor.

Meanwhile, the moment I think being Vele is okay, the restlessness in me vanishes away. Like an imaginary rule is passed that everyday is a Sunday. Yes, this comes out as a privilege indeed, no denying that. But with all the privileges, is it morally wrong for person to enjoy the life in their own terms, entertaining their mind, and nourishing their soul with fictional stories as in books, movies, shows or with fun playing games, exploring cafes or experiences. Wouldn’t that be enough if its enough for me? Yes, there are people who love being occupied because they connect with all those activities. If you can respect them doing what they like why not accept people who do nothing much too because that’s what they like to do. Why the partiality? Or is it that I am taking it too personally and overthinking? Maybe no one is thinking about me like that. And maybe it’s time I too wholeheartedly accept the Sanu ki attitude.

As expected, AI was everywhere. Being an “outsider”, I could see not the fear of losing jobs, but as an upcoming wave embraced by the youngsters like how other generations adapted television, PC and internet, and mobiles. I could see how the boomers were also advised to adapt to this new trend under the pretext of leadership and being role models. More than the talks, the ocean of women under one roof gave highly energizing vibes. Many women attended thinking mainly of the job fairs, looking for opportunities, for the companies at the EXPO, and hence would’ve got disappointed as the numbers were less. For me, it was a fresh change of environment, reminiscing of the past, yet inspiring to the core. The presence of highly spirited women like Shreya Krishnan, Rashmi, Jacintha and other speakers were in itself a ray of sunshine. And like a sunflower, I was attuned to those sparks of hope on all those three days.

After Day 1, I got comfortable enough to select which sessions to go for, mainly that talks about confidence, soft skills, leadership skills and which not to attend like core technical topics regarding cloud storage and cyber security. Not that the topics were uninteresting, but this year, I realized my scope is to just dip my toes in this world and get the breeze from the water. Taking one step at a time.

Day 2 and Day 3 had the EXPO which had stalls from companies offering courses, registrations, and such, along with EntrepreNaari Mela, a flea market by women entrepreneurs. I also enjoyed the music sessions by Amira Gill and Gautam Krishnan, that served as refuge from the intellectual talks, laughed during the therapeutic conversations by Dr. Ushy Mohandas for grounding ourselves, and almost cried silently when Anil Thomas spoke about Imposter Syndrome.

What I couldn’t do or rather hesitated to do was to network with other women, or get connected “officially”, as I didn’t wanted to share my Linkedin. Yet. I think I did not want to reduce this grand, inspirational, sisterhood event into a fake networking/business/corporate event where people exchanged numbers or followed each other for name sake or number of likes. I came back with huge energy wisdom to tap into, to float on the surface of this water while I decide which coast to move forward. And that in itself maybe a big step forward for me this year. A perfect closure sign from the universe to think about future during this December vacation break – what next for the next year and the year after…

The web series, TSITP, shows Belly, who has to decide between two brothers vying for her love. Not at all original, I know, but that maybe the beauty of it. I notice the patterns that keep repeating in stories which we call as cliches. These normalcy of the cliches maybe what is attracting us to them. Unless you are a Nolan fan who likes to eat your own brains for breakfast, I think I prefer such simple stories. The same old tropes like friends to lovers or enemies to lovers, the overused love triangles etc. 

She is of that age that I grew up on DDLJ, KKHH, the Titanic and other famous movies. The difference is its all American web series and books that occupy her world. I was limited to just Nancy Drew and the Brontes. I don’t have the heart to limit the new adult books that contain too much of smut that would make our ancestors hide in shame even in their graves. If they could read those, what is stopping them from watching all the series and shows available all over social media. And so we watched it together over the American Summer. 

Obviously the first question is whether I am TeamConrad or TeamJere. There was a similar war we had over Edward and Jacob. But the Rene Jacob twist threw me off very badly. How can you explain the wolf vampire connection of “you were hitting on me because of my unborn daughter? oh please!”. I learned the lesson then and there. No teams anymore. In TSITP too, I was Team Belly, and wanted her to jump out of the Cousins Well and explore more. And thanks to the social media hullabaloo, I found out that there were many parents who voiced the same. Unlike the olden times, the Instagram reels and Twitter comments make the viewing much more involved. We both were sharing reels explaining the analysis and some memes too. There were talks of therapy, grief, red and green flags, and such heavy topics could be easily discussed because we have such references now. 

Long back, when the nude scene in Titanic was aired on national television, I remembered how uncomfortable it was to watch with family even if nothing was shown because of Indian censorship. Now I am okay to watch anything with her. Way better than the violent killings and gruesome rapes that are being shown on films these days. Let them know that sex love and kisses are so normal in real life, and there should be no shame around it. 

And now that the movie is announced, the wait continues. But till then, we would be watching some other series for now.