Aren't We Fancy?

SAG Awards 2012: Heather Morris

2012-01-30T16:55:00.000-08:00

WHOA, MAN. WHOA.

Because Glee isn't awful enough on it's own, THIS had to happen. Netting is never, NEVER a good idea for the red carpet; and I've always held Heather Morris as my favorite actress on the show. Unfortunately, whenever I look at this, all I see is Shauna Sand moonlighting as a poorly-equipped dominatrix.I suppose when you're just a secondary character on the show, you have to choose your dress from the bottom of the barrel - or in Heather's case, the bottom of a cheap burlap sack.

SAG Awards 2012: Tilda Swinton

2012-01-29T20:40:00.000-08:00

This award season so far has been a complete 180 for Swinton. First, she opted for a skirt with her suit jacket - still very Swinton, but leaning toward a more girly number. And now, at the SAG awards, we have this:

That is Swinton IN A DRESS. This is akin to seeing a dog walking on it's hind legs, or something you would see on an endangered species list. If this dress were on anyone else, I would probably mention something about the sleeves, or the shoes, or the waistline. But this is SWINTON we're talking about. Therefore, this is flawless.

Now I need to find pictures of some busted up dresses. This whole "giving compliments" thing is so not becoming of me.

SAG Awards 2012: Jumpsuit!

2012-01-29T20:26:00.000-08:00

I'm not entirely sure who this is, but who the hell cares? It's a jumpsuit.

I could say things about how her feet have been engulfed by her pants, or that her suit looks as if it had every bead hand-sewn by underpaid Mexican workers, or that her boobs don't exist; but all of those arguments are moot, because THIS IS A JUMPSUIT. What's your name? Rose Byrne? Don't care. JUMPSUIT. All I see is JUMPSUIT.

The SAG Awards have officially won me over. I can die happy now.

SAG Awards 2012: Kristen Wiig

2012-01-29T20:16:00.000-08:00

One time I had a dream where I was captured by the Saw guy, being tortured, and forced to eat through David's intestines in order to find the key to my jail cell. The biggest problem was, I needed to hurry myself to an award show red carpet! Luckily - not so luckily for David - I made it through, and eventually got to rub elbows with Tilda Swinton while simultaneously making fun of Angelina Jolie's constantly shrinking arms.

Unfortunately, I'm ALMOST positive that is what happened to Kristen Wiig here. Clearly she broke free from the binds of abduction and torture, but didn't manage to get rid of her bondage gear. And I understand that this is just the SAG Awards and no one REALLY cares about them, but come on; you should at least have the wherewithal to remove your dog collar before walking the carpet. It's just good manners.

Lindsay Lohan Is Getting Sued. Again.

2012-01-26T11:27:00.000-08:00

Remember that one time Lindsay Lohan hit a baby stroller with her car? Good times. Well, apparently, she's getting sued by the nanny that was walking the stroller, who "sustained injury". You can't make this shit up. According to TMZ:

...a witness claimed he saw Lindsay run a red light in her sports car in West Hollywood, hitting a nanny who was pushing a stroller across the intersection.

The witness claimed 3 of the 4 wheels on the stroller became airborne. The child wasn't injured but the nanny -- Nubia Del Carmen Preza -- claims she was, and that's why she is suing.

And get this ... the witness told us, "She was in shock and Hispanic so she was scared."

As much as I understand LiLo hit a stroller with her goddamn car and probably deserves to get sued for whatever pennies she has left in her piggy bank, I will always take her side. Clearly this is an illegal immigrant nanny looking for an easy payday - and she might actually get one. Though there are a couple of things about this account of what happened that bother me:

1. How does the nanny sustain injury while the baby - who was strapped to the stroller that got pummeled by the car - gets out of there without a scratch? I'm calling bullshit.

2. I'm pretty sure the nanny wasn't scared JUST because she was Hispanic. She was probably scared because LiLo hit a baby with her fucking car. Clearly the witness is a racist and entirely unreliable.

My point is, if LiLo is the defendant, you must acquit. The defense rests.

Rachel Zoe Is Horrifying

2012-01-26T09:42:00.000-08:00

After seeing this picture of Rachel Zoe, I have a theory:

After getting fashion-dumped by Brad, she went on a botox spree, injecting it into every conceivable pore on her face. She can no longer speak - much less smile - but her face is as smooth as a 50-year-old baby's bottom. Luckily for her, she can still open her eyes (clearly); so what she can't show with facial expressions, she makes up for in smizing, albeit like she realized she just blew her cover as one of the final five cylons.

Am I right?

Miley Cyrus Makes Quality Life Decisions

2012-01-25T11:40:00.000-08:00

For a while there, I had completely forgotten that Miley Cyrus existed. Once she turned 18, no one seemed to care about her anymore - much like Kim Kardashian in about two years time. However, imagine my surprise when Lil' Cyrus shows up on my computer acting reckless, as little girls often do:

Seen here drinking something boozy out of a carafe, a still only 19-year-old Miley is helping to celebrate her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth's birthday the only way she knows how: with no concept of discretion. But why stop at underage drinking?

Because getting drunk just isn't enough for her, here she is taking a move right out of the Courtney Stodden playbook: licking a giant penis cake with a herpes sore. If this is an indicator of anything, it's only a matter of time before Miley goes the route of LiLo, both being products of the poisonous Disney machine; and I can't wait to watch it all happen.

Today In Airbrushing: American Idol Season 20 Million

2012-01-21T14:15:00.000-08:00

For Christmas this year, a friend of mine bought me a subscription to In Touch Weekly AKA The Greatest Magazine In The World. However, when I opened up the copy I received in the mail today, I found something disturbing:

WHAT IS WRONG WITH RANDY JACKSON? That is not the face of a real human being. He's kind of smiling like a camel, and is by far the shiniest of the four - a title I was certain would be taken by Ryan Seacrest. In fact, Ryan looks to be the most regular of them all; but this might be because no one has ever seen him without a pound and a half of make-up caked onto his face.

Steven Tyler is now just an older - and relatively wrinkle free - Liv Tyler. With a penis. Presumably.

J.Lo still looks rather J.Lo-y, albeit whiter.

But seriously, Randy Jackson. It's like someone buffed your face within an inch of it's life. OH SHIT and I just noticed your bracelets, no doubt picked up from a trinket store in Mexico. You look like a black cabbage patch doll for God's sake. Though, seeing as American Idol has been on the air for the last twenty million years, something utterly terrifying was bound to happen at some point.

I can't stop looking at his face. I'm going to have nightmares about this.

Today In Jumpsuits: Giada De Laurentiis

2012-01-19T20:48:00.000-08:00

Well, technically, this wasn't today in jumpsuits, but rather Sunday. But once I saw Giada De Laurentiis in this picture, I had to bring it to everyone's attention:

WHOA, GIRL. Now I'm a big fan of the jumpsuit - always have been, and probably always will be; but this is something else. A cape, an ultra high waist, and legs as long as Gaida's head is massive. Seriously. It's like balancing a watermelon on top of a push-pin. I can't stop staring at it. It's too bad that this jumpsuit totally hides her tits, seeing as they're probably her best asset. To me, this whole thing is silly; but let's take a look at this from the back. Maybe she can redeem herself:

Nope. Nevermind.

Golden Globes 2012: Erin Wasson

2012-01-16T17:59:00.000-08:00

I'm going to end today's Golden Globes coverage with this piece of work. I'm aware that this isn't from the actual red carpet, though it is from the afterparty, which is pretty much the same thing. Apparently Erin Wasson is a "model" and was a "muse" to Alexander Wang. However, I'm more convinced she sucked the soul out of Bai Ling and decided it would be best to go to the afterparty dressed like a cheap whore:

This is what happens in a real-life Pretty Woman scenario.* A hooker gets picked up by a fashion designer, thrown into a world of fame and luxury, where people actually wear clothes that are opaque and not made of lycra. It's MINDBLOWING! But if this shows us anything: you can rescue a whore off of a corner, but she's still a goddamn whore.

*I have no evidence that she was actually a prostitute. But judging from this, can you blame me?

Golden Globes 2012: Kelly Osbourne

2012-01-16T17:34:00.000-08:00

You would think that hosting a show such as Fashion Police would give you some insight into what looks good and what doesn't - and for the most part, Kelly Osbourne has been doing relatively well for herself. Enter, this:

There are so many things going on here, that I'm not sure where to start. In order to easy my Osbourne-induced headache, I'll make this simple.

1. The only person who tries to make silver hair work these days is Jay Manuel. And NO ONE should ever try and emulate him.
2. SHOULDERS!
3. Mermaid silhouettes seem to have been very popular on this carpet, but I still don't understand the appeal. How the hell do you walk in that? If you fall over, can you easily get back up? Do they just want to be "a part of that world"? 50 million dollar questions, these ones.
4. Her smile says everything. She KNOWS she shouldn't be wearing this. She KNOWS it won't do her any justice. Yet here she is.

Honorable Mention: That clutch doesn't do any favors.

Whew. Now that that's all out of my system, I need a drink.

Golden Globes 2012: Elle MacPherson

2012-01-16T17:14:00.000-08:00

I want to throw one thing out there before I dive into this: Elle MacPherson looks AMAZING for her age (47!). I can only hope I look that good when I'm that old. But I suppose I would have to MAKE it to 47 first. Now that that's out of the way:

HOLY SHIT THAT'S A LOT OF TULLE. Like, I've always had a theory that women don't actually fart gas, but rather doilies; though judging from this, it's obvious that as La MacPherson was walking down the carpet, she made a small toot, and POOF. TULLE. FLYING OUT OF HER BUTTHOLE. It's kind of impressive, really.

But in all honesty, this is much more of a wedding dress than one that's red-carpet ready. Maybe if you were walking down the aisle to marry George Clooney or something. So Elle, you might be smoking hot at 47, but you can't just walk out on the carpet in any old thing. This is proof.

Golden Globes 2012: Piper Perabo

2012-01-16T08:52:00.000-08:00

When I first saw Piper Perabo in this dress, I audibly guffawed and turned to make a comment to David - but he is sadly in New York. But let's take a look, and see if you can guess the next three words I'm about to say:

LARA FLYNN BOYLE. She has returned from the Hollywood graveyard of obscurity, and still hasn't quite gotten over the whole princess, pseudo ballerina phase. Maybe it's not a phase; maybe she was born this way.

One thing I am grateful for is her face and pose in this picture. This is exactly what I would do if I were on ANTM, and Tyra asked me to pose like a swan, floating on a glistening lake. Of course, I would be smizing, unlike La Perabo here. She unfortunately just has a serious case of "I-had-a-bottle-of-wine-in-the-limo-and-I'm-sure-I-look-amazing" face.

You have not been chosen as America's Next Top Fashion Icon. You must now go home, pack your bags, and crawl back under the rock you came from.

Golden Globes 2012: Dianna Agron

2012-01-16T08:34:00.000-08:00

Because I have an uncontrollable desire to cause serious, permanent damage to the retinas, I give you Dianna Agron AKA The Glee Club Strikes Back.

I guess I can give her props for trying something bold here; but maybe she should have taken a more conservative route, rather than wearing a dress fashioned from an actual phoenix - her breasts, rising from the ashes of a Tina Turner flapper dress. Maybe the goal of the Glee cast is to force us all to have such low expectations for them, leading us to actually LIKE the show when we watch it. And if so, they should try a little harder.

For the Oscars, she should try wearing go-go boots, hot pants, and a tube top; then maybe my opinion will change.

But let's be honest. It won't.

Golden Globes 2012: Madonna

2012-01-15T19:00:00.000-08:00

When I look at Madonna in this dress, all I can think of is a Disney villain. As the story goes, she lures an unsuspecting Selena Gomez into an eternal slumber by falling victim to a terrible pop duet with Demi Lovato. Only the release of a Selena Gomez/Justin Bieber sex tape could wake her from her everlasting nightmare. This would only drive Madonna into a feverish rage, transforming her into a monster that sucks the collagen out of everyone's skin, leaving them wrinkled and mummified, just like her. But when she attempts to steal Bieber's youth, his baby face proves too powerful for her, causing her to implode.

I should write children's books.

Golden Globes 2012: Evan Rachel Wood

2012-01-15T18:38:00.000-08:00

When Evan Rachel Wood was young, all she wanted to be when she grew up was a mermaid. But then she just got stuck with this lame acting career.

A girl can still dream though, right?

(DISCLAIMER: I do actually like this dress. But there are fucking scales on it. So let's be real.)

Golden Globes 2012: Lea Michele

2012-01-15T18:33:00.000-08:00

Seriously, girl? Seriously?

I've been struggling to get through Glee over the last two years, but I haven't quit only because I've already invested so much time into it. But this might just be it for me. First it was an entire episode devoted to Fleetwood Mac (a serious red flag). Then Kurt and Blaine have, you know, gay sex - but gay sex is evidently just a lot of cuddling in ugly pajamas. And now Lea Michele's body is being consumed by a metallic fungus. This is the beginning of the end, my friends; and it's about goddamn time.

Golden Globes 2012: Sarah Michelle Gellar

2012-01-15T18:16:00.000-08:00

As much as Swinton looked great, it's never fun to sing people's praises. So let's get to the good stuff, shall we?

Here is Sarah Michelle Gellar, wearing what I only assume are some drapes that she tried to dye with that strange blue liquid used in tampon commercials. Complete with built-in hip ruffles, La Gellar is awfully cheery, despite looking as if her lady-section is the size of a refrigerator. Maybe she's pregnant; maybe she robbed a bank, and the dye bag exploded all over her dress; no one will ever know.

All I can say is judging from this, Ringer will probably be picked up for a second season. And for that, I'm sorry.

Golden Globes 2012: Tilda Swinton

2012-01-15T17:53:00.000-08:00

Right now, the Golden Globes are on, but you and I both know that watching the actual award ceremony is pointless - mostly because listening to Ricky Gervais is akin to eating a large pizza covered with my own pubic hair. The only thing that truly matters is the red carpet pre-show. And who better to kick off this year's coverage than Tilda Swinton?

The answer: no one. Typically she doesn't wear anything but pant suits - hundreds and hundreds of pant suits. But I'm definitely into this. The color looks fantastic with her skin tone, and it's nice to see her wearing something without pant legs. Then again, she could probably wear a paper bag filled with shit atop her head and I would still rave about it; but that's Gaga's idea for the Grammy's, not to spoil anything.

Breaking Dawn: If You Have Sex, You Will Get Pregnant And Die

2011-12-15T15:19:00.000-08:00

Last night I finally watched the latest installment in the Twilight series: Breaking Dawn. And if you remember my previous review of Eclipse from a year or so ago, you will remember how I have a love/hate relationship with this whole franchise. After all, who doesn't love a good vampire - werewolf - whiney little bitch love triangle? But let's just jump into it, shall we?

The movie begins with Bella (from now on referred to as "Poutyface") practicing walking in her new shoes for her upcoming nuptials with Edward (Sparkles). And these shoes look intense - a broken ankle waiting to happen:

Leading up to the wedding, absolutely no one seems happy about it - including the bride and groom. Jacob (Scotty No-Shirt) is so upset that he lets out his anger by running through the forest shirtless. This becomes a recurring theme.

As the wedding commences, Poutyface looks like she is about to collapse. My bet is on the fact that she looks like she starved herself to fit into her dress. Or her feet ache like a mother-fucker. Or because she's having second thoughts about getting married to a goddamn vampire at 18. Seriously, who does that?

The wedding ends, and Sparkles quickly whisks Poutyface off to their honeymoon, which they are spending on an island outside of Rio in Brazil. The scenery is beautiful, yet both Sparkles and Poutyface are still completely unenthused by EVERYTHING around them. They keep telling each-other how unbelievably happy they are; yet their faces look as if they have been watching CSPAN for the last 8 hours, and then seeing a puppy get hit by a semi-truck.

Next comes the post-marital sex - or as they call it, "touching". Apparently in the world of Twilight, no one actually has sex, probably because that would mean the characters would derive some level of pleasure from it; and no one in Twilight is ever happy - especially Poutyface and Sparkles. Sparkles "touches" Poutyface pretty rough, leaving several bruises on her arm and shoulder. Now, in my experience, that usually means it was worth the time; but once again, in the Twilight world, rough "touching" is shameful. Sparkles apologizes profusely, and Poutyface shows no interest whatsoever. If you haven't guessed already, this plotline blows.

A few days later, Poutyface realizes her period is late, and begins vomiting. Any slightly intelligent person would deduce that she is pregnant with Sparkles' pale demon child. However, she is convinced it is because of some bad chicken. That part is not a joke. I promise. See:

That chicken is RED. She's gonna make a terrible wife if she can't even cook.

But lo and behold, Poutyface IS pregnant! In fact, she goes from zero to fatty in essentially the blink of an eye:

Sweatpants are all that fit her now.

They return to Forks, Washington, where Sparkles' family takes Poutyface into their home to keep her healthy while this freak baby grows bigger and bigger. But, when Scotty No-Shirt catches wind of this pregnancy, he releases his anger the only way he knows how: running around the forest topless. He eventually reaches his other shirtless brothers and tells them about the demon fetus, resulting in what is basically a topless festival of anger. They must KILL THE BABY.

For the next 40 minutes or so, there is a lot of hemming and hawing about the monster child, whether it's worth saving, or if it should be aborted. Kind of like finding out that your baby has down syndrome, or is a dwarf. Twilight is full of allegory. This is the part of the movie where I went and made a sandwich.

Upon my return, Poutyface is in the throws of labor; but if she is to give birth the way God intended, she will surely die. Thus, the only logical explanation is to give her one - ONE - shot of morphine and cut the son of a bitch out of her. This becomes less and less of a good idea as it goes on:

What follows is an obscene amount of Poutyface screaming, while Sparkles and Scotty No-Shirt stand by and look serious. I'm almost certain there is no smiling through this entire movie.

The baby is eventually taken out, where it is given the name Renesmee, because what's the point anymore? Shortly after, Sparkles attempts to change Poutyface into a vampire, but Poutyface dies, leaving both Sparkles and Scotty No-Shirt beside themselves. They each cry for about ten minutes, blah blah blah. At this point, the other shirtless wolf-men come to Sparkles' house in order to kill the evil baby; but Scotty No-Shirt won't have any of it! Poutyface is already dead, and if they want to kill the baby, they must go through him first. Somehow, this intimidates the others, and they saunter off into the night.

The movie ends with Sparkles' family surrounding the very dead body of Poutyface, doing her makeup, brushing her hair, the kinds of things Jeffrey Dahmer probably did with his victims. But wait! In the very last frame, she awakens - obviously. You think they would kill her off before the final movie installment? That's like killing off Marissa Cooper at the end of season three of The O.C. It ruins everything.

Now if you really WANT to see this movie, please check in the mirror to see if you are in fact a 14-year-old girl who may or may not have headgear. Otherwise, take my word for it: Twilight: Breaking Dawn is a collosal waste of time, and two hours of my life that I will never get back.

Jennifer Love Hewitt Is A Muslim

2011-12-06T15:21:00.001-08:00

Tom Cruise made Scientology a celebrity religion. Then it was Madonna bringing Kaballah to the forefront. And now, Jennifer Love Hewitt is making her own religious statement:

Seen here in a poorly hemmed burka, J Lo Hew is seen here leaving a restaurant after lunch, presumably on her way to the local Lifetime-movie-actress mosque to pray to Allah for a respectable acting role and smaller hips. Whatever works for you, girl. Just don't do another Ghost Whisperer stint. No one needs that.

Katy Perry Has New Hair

2011-12-06T14:52:00.001-08:00

Over the last few years, Katy Perry has worn seemingly every color of wig available under the sun; but recently she was spotted on the red carpet with a new, tamer do:

Unfortunately, it looks like she JUST discovered how to dye her hair with kool-aid. But how does Russell Brand feel about this?

He is scared. Scared, like when your mother tells you she's chaperoning your prom. Or when your wife walks out of the bathroom looking like the poor man's Strawberry Shortcake. That's some freaky shit.

A Pile Of WTF: Rihanna

2011-12-06T14:34:00.001-08:00

When I first saw this, I didn't have any words, for obvious reasons. But after letting the image marinate a little, I've come to the conclusion that this is very "high-school-mid-west-white-trash-girl-who-hangs-out-in-the-bathroom-smoking-cigarettes-and-is-possibly-pregnant". Or maybe "homeless-transgender-Charlie-Chaplin". Or "the 90's".

Someone make it stop, please.

Today In Double Jackets: Q’orianka Kilcher

2011-12-05T11:06:00.001-08:00

It has been a while since I've seen a double dress out there; it seems that people are finally figuring out that wearing two TOTALLY OPPOSITE fabrics on one piece of clothing is detrimental to the progression of society. But it looks like Q'orianka Kilcher didn't manage to get the memo:

Who is Q'orianka Kilcher, you ask? Who the fuck knows. Apparently she played Pocahontas in some movie that I'm sure I don't care about. However, I find it interesting that she is wearing this coat to an event called "Change Begins Within". In her case, though, change should have began an hour ago in the dressing room. Maybe she should turn on the light before trying to dress herself. I'm just helping facilitate change here - one schizophrenic jacket at a time.

Goddamn It: Christina Aguilera

2011-12-05T11:01:00.001-08:00

Can I just get one things straight here:

LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS. NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS. STOP TRYING TO MAKE LEGGINGS HAPPEN, BECAUSE THEY AREN'T.