Armchair Cook: A Food Network Addict

Update: Food Network says 'subliminal message'

2007-01-26T10:31:00.000-08:00

I posted Sunday night about a McDonald's ad flashing for a few seconds during Iron Chef America. The AP reports that the McDonald's logo that flashed on the screen was:

a technical error on our part and not a subliminal message as suggested by a Web site running the slow-motion playback," said Food Network spokesman Mark O'Connor.

This is being discussed all over the web!

Do you buy it? Do you think it was a technical glitch or subliminal advertising?

And the Iron Chef winner is...McDonalds?!

2007-01-21T20:29:00.000-08:00

Tonight was an otherwise ordinary edition of Iron Chef until the last few minutes. While they were going over the contestants' entries, there was a spilt-second flash of...something on the screen. I backed up the TiVo and watched it frame by frame, only to see this for one frame:

Um, what?

I checked out YouTube and someone has already uploaded the clip. Check it out; it is truly bizarre. Was it an employee prank? Is McDonald's into subliminal advertising? Was it a viral marketing ploy?

The Twelve Days of Christmas, revisited

2006-12-12T21:03:00.000-08:00

Originally posted December 23, 2005:

Ah, the holidays. Vacations are starting, guests are coming in, much chocolate and wine is being consumed. The next time I see y'all, it'll probably be 2006.

Everyone have a fantastic holiday season!

....On the twelfth day of Christmas, Food Network gave to me:

Twelve Giadas grinning

Eleven Saras sniping

Ten Sticks of butter

Nine Bobbys boasting

Eight Daves a-twitching

Seven Tylers flirting

Six Dirty restaurants

Five Ra-chael Rays!

Four Emerils yelling

Three french hens

Two Alton Browns

And...

One hungover Sandra Lee

Do we need a recount? Iron Chef Superstar Battle

2006-11-13T18:26:00.000-08:00

It was Batali and Ray versus Flay and De Laurentiis. The winner, by a thin margin, was Rachael and Mario!

Like so many things on the Food Network these days, I had a hard time getting through this show. I was alternately bored and irritated. I was going to recap this show, but JordanBaker beat me to it with this hilarious liveblog!

Rachael's manic personality served her well in this challenge. Giada seemed like she was stressed out. I did find Mario/Rachael's dishes to be slightly more appealing than Bobby/Giada's, so I can live with this verdict.

I think Flay and Giada should get a regular show together. I liked their interaction.

In other news, I still can't stand Rachael Ray.

I am a Mario Batali agnostic, though I am intrigued by the reports that he dated Courtney Love.

In general, I'd still rather hang out with Giada (and Bobby!).

FoodNetwork.com, Watch your Back!

2006-11-02T10:37:00.000-08:00

Food Network seems to be getting left in the dust lately. Not only are PBS and Bravo turning out shows that Food Network should be doing, but now my home page is changing to Yahoo! Food.

FoodNetwork.com is slow, hard to navigate, and their recipe search function is terrible. Sure, I'll still have to go there for recipes from Ina, Giada, or Nigella, but Yahoo Food is going to be my one stop shop for general recipes and All Things Martha. The local dining guides and food videos will be helpful, too. Check it out!

A Feast for the Eyes and the Palette: Nigella Lawson

2006-10-30T17:02:00.000-08:00

While I was complaining about Rachael Ray and Paula Deen, an unexpectedly delightful show has moved onto the Food Network. I'm talking, of course, about Nigella Feasts.

Let's get the shallow stuff out of the way: I believe Nigella Lawson is one of the most beautiful women in the world. This is a woman who looks as great in a robe as she does in a little black dress. Her fair skin is gorgeous and her hair has the kind of volume I've been trying to achieve my entire life. As for her figure? Well, I don't know who wouldn't notice those curves!

While she is a striking beauty in photos, it is only enhanced by her classy yet unassuming demeanor she displays on television. In both her shows and her books she is wonderfully playful with language without getting too punny or precious. She is obviously a woman of great intelligence and wit, but is grounded enough to poke fun at her lack of professional chef training and imperfections as a mother.

But the real question is, can she cook? Without a doubt, yes. She shuns low-fat cooking, opting for taste, and uses quality ingredients. Nigella Feasts, which is based on the book of the same name, has featured several dishes that looked delicious.

Yesterday's show featured breakfast foods. While the granola and the raspberry swirl looked good, the real wonder of the show was how Nigella was able to cook some late night drunken grub food (Bacon and Tomato Hash*) wearing a slinky black cocktail dress and not come off like a cheap lush. If Sandra Lee tried the same maneuver, it would be more embarrassing than endearing.

I know that some think Nigella distracts from her cooking by playing up her looks, but I disagree. Nigella's coy looks and sensuous language add to the appeal of her cooking. This isn't staged gimmickry like Sandra Lee's backgrounds and low cut costumes; Nigella is comfortable in her skin and is not shy about showing that she loves to cook. Her love for cooking is apparent in the same way as it is with the other best Food Network shows: Barefoot Contessa, Everyday Italian, Easy Entertaining. On the flip side, the worst Food Network shows are hosted by cooks who clearly would rather be doing anything else: Semi-Homemade, the last few seasons of 30-Minute Meals, and especially Quick Fix Meals . No one is saying that cooks should spend an eternity in the kitchen, but like any other profession, if a cook has love for their work it will show.

My only complaint about Nigella Feasts is the schizophrenic camera work. I thought Barefoot Contessa was bad, but that's nothing compared to the artsy pretensions that go on over at Nigella Feasts. Cameramen: we know Nigella is gorgeous, but we do not need to count her pores. We also do not need to view Nigella through a row of hanging utensils. Hopefully the handheld camera look will go out of fashion soon and we can get back to concentrating on Nigella's cooking.

Food Network has been headed in the wrong direction lately, but adding Nigella to the lineup gives me hope. Now only if they could bring back Mario and Tony.

Nigella's life story is worth a read. She is not only an accomplished cook, but an accomplished journalist as well. She's also experienced a lot of tragedy, losing her mother, sister and husband to cancer.

¹The recipe isn't listed on the Food Network site; what gives?

How long before this really happens?

2006-10-09T15:01:00.000-07:00

From our friends at The Onion:

Rachael Ray Snaps Chicken's Neck Live On Air

Food Network Tidbits

2006-09-29T15:22:00.000-07:00

(and more Rachael Ray Show fallout, naturally.)

First, a few Food Network items:

If you read nothing else today, check out this informative, insightful article about the Food Network from Bill Buford at the New Yorker. He lays out the concrete reasons why the Food Network has changed over the last couple years.
This Details feature is called Sexpots in the Kitchen. Enough said.

Now for the Rachael Ray gossip:

Radar is reporting behind-the-scenes strife at the Rachael Ray show.
Apparently the Rachael-branded appliances that are sold at Target are defective.
Another review of the Rachael Ray Show, calling it a "train wreck".

Rachael Ray: Enemy of peace and quiet

2006-09-28T15:34:00.000-07:00

So, the Rachael Ray Show. I wanted to watch a few shows to get a feel for it and to see if it would improve at all, but I've yet to get through an entire episode. I can handle the cutesy phrases and manic hand movement, but the screaming is what makes it unbearable for me. That, and the fact that throughout interviews with Diane Sawyer, Dr. Phil, Emmitt Smith and Oprah herself, The Rach wouldn't let any of them finish a sentence¹. I loathe this show with every fiber of my being and, if you pay any kind of attention to the body language of her guests, they do too.

The biggest revelation for me is that I always assumed that Rachael started out as a nice, humble cook and her increasing unlikeability was correlated to her increasing popularity. That is, the money and power turned her into a crazed person. Now I'm beginning to think that The Rach has always been a jerk, and she just had to play it cool for a few years in order to get her Food Network gigs.

Now that she's got the world by the cajones her authentic self has emerged and boy, it's not pretty. She is consistently petulant, shrill, self-absorbed, dismissive, and downright rude to the guests and audience on her show. It's one thing for her to harp on Oprah's cheese-spreading ability, it's another to throw a hissy fit when an audience member beats her in a good natured(?) game.

I'm not the only one who is hating on this show, and Rachael must have predicted this backlash when she penned this phony, faux-self-deprecating piece in Esquire.

Still, people can't get enough of her. Her show had the highest rated talk show debut since Dr. Phil, and according to Forbes she is the 2nd most trusted celebrity in America (behind Tom Hanks, but ahead of Michael J. Fox and Oprah). I don't even know what "trusting" a celebrity means; perhaps I'm just a cynic.

She'll also appear on Celebrity Jeopardy this fall² and two Rachael-approved music compilations will be hitting stores next month.

I, on the other hand, have had enough of The Rach and I deleted her shows from my TiVo.

It's so peaceful in here now.

¹She even interrupts newspaper reporters.

²Thanks to KitchenMage for the tip!

³This morning Adam Carolla had Perez Hilton (site semi-NSFW) on his radio show and they were talking a ton of smack about Rachael. This isn't surprising since Rachael once visited Adam's resturant on Inside Dish and there seemed to be no love lost between them.

Lessons in World Domination: Rachael Ray

2006-09-19T15:03:00.000-07:00

Rachael Ray's talk show debuted yesterday and it had the highest rated syndicated debut since Dr. Phil rode Oprah's coattails to glory back in 2002.

I haven't actually seen the show yet (I deemed season 3 of Deadwood and season 4 of The Wire to be higher priority last night), but early reviews indicate that the show is a good substitute for coffee or speed:

"Rachael Ray Show" potentially annoying

Who needs coffee when you've got Rachael Ray?

'Rachael' is a ray of hope....

I'll catch up this week and be sure to post my thoughts.

Bonus: TV Squad picked out five bizarre quotes from Rachael's recent appearance on Larry King.

The Food Network as Muse

2006-09-04T22:13:00.000-07:00

What do you get when you mix Billy Joel's baby boomer rant with the Food Network? JordanBaker's brilliant, hilarious They Didn't Start the Fire (Food Network Remix). Sung to the tune of We Didn't Start the Fire, whet your appetite with this verse:

Giada, Sandra Lee, cleavage on the Food TV
Bend forward, stir the pot, get the viewer nice and hot.
Giada’s got a pumpkin head; Mario has chef cred;
Oil once around the pan, Sandra Lee was once a man.

Go now!

Requiem for a Deen

2006-08-31T18:15:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago I promised a "monster post about the downfall of Paula Deen." This was easier said than done, however, because what is a blogger to do when watching Paula Deen becomes downright painful? I had five Paula's Home Cooking shows stored up on my TiVo and could only watch a few minutes of each before getting annoyed or depressed.

Paula used to be like a favorite great aunt¹, the one whose recipes you secretly like more than your own mother's. You knew she had some hard times in her past but she was too private and dignified to broadcast her troubles to the world. She's the one you planned your wedding around, knowing that if she couldn't be there, the day wouldn't be complete.

But what happens when that aunt, for whatever reason, becomes a shell of her former self? You steel yourself before a visit and tell yourself that it won't be as bad this time, that maybe she's better now. When you get there her sad eyes and desperate loneliness make you want to cry, but instead you put on a brave face and a warm smile and try to enjoy her company. No one wants to be pitied, but sometimes when she's in the midst of yet another socially inappropriate remark you just wonder what happened to the old her, the one you still love.

And so it is with Paula Deen.

I love Paula and have no way of knowing what is going on with her, but the way she looks, acts and even cooks this season is downright disturbing. She looks puffy, tired, and all-around haggard. I now get more traffic to my site via "what is wrong with paula deen" queries than "sandra lee naked" queries (and that's saying something). Paula seems uncomfortable in front of the camera at times and the delivery of her Southern-isms is forced.

Predictably, her recipes have begun to decline. Paula has always turned out food that looked really good, even if it was unhealthy. Lately though, she's been venturing into Sandra Lee territory with some really awful looking dishes. I was afraid this would happen. There are limits to Southern cousine, as evidenced by Paula's five fried chicken recipes.

Sadly, we've seen all this before with Rachael Ray. Like Rachael, Paula has a a magazine and a new talk show debuting next month. Like Rachael, Paula has gone from being friendly and folksy to being over-the-top, loud, and obnoxious. If this quote about Paula's new talk show is any indication, it will be unwatchable:

Hosted by Paula Deen, 59, the hourlong program will be more “Romper Room” than “Cooking with Master Chefs.” At the taping of an early episode, Deen spent time trying on a young audience member’s stilettos, telling jokes and staging a live crab race. She named her entry “Cocaine Connie.”

“I’m keepin’ the hair high and the expectations low, and that way I can’t lose,” Deen drawled afterward.

Strangely, the Food Network is pinning its hopes on Paula's Party to attract younger viewers:

Aside from airing at night, Deen’s new show will feature a studio audience and less cooking instruction. Food Network thinks her biting sense of humor and somewhat unruly behavior will help attract a younger audience.

“We consider it Paula unplugged,” Tuschman says. “You never know what is going to come out of her mouth.”

So I find myself in a familiar place, lamenting the state of the Food Network. Sara Moulton left the network and is headed for PBS. Molto Mario was cancelled. Tony Bourdain moved over to the Travel Channel and now has one of the most interesting shows on television². Food Network is losing (pushing away?) all of its heavy hitters, and pretty soon all that will be left are the amped-up versions of Rachael Ray, Paula Deen and Sandra Lee. Watch your backs, Ina and Giada!

At least I'm not the only one who thinks this is ridiculous. This blatant MTV-ization of the Food Network worries me. Sheesh, maybe if things don't work out with Paula and Michael they can give her a dating show, a la Flavor of Love. For old times' sake, maybe they could call it Butter Flavor of Love.

Call me when you get back, Paula. I'll be waiting for you.

¹As opposed to your black sheep, drunken aunt.
²Really, Bourdain in Beirut is one of the better things I've seen on TV all year. Set your TiVos.

Food Network Summer Programs: Hot, Hotter and Hottest

2006-08-10T15:32:00.000-07:00

Three new Food Network shows have premiered in the last couple of weeks.

Hot: Road Tasted

Featuring the spawn of Paula Deen, Road Tasted consists of Jamie and Bobby Dean traveling around the country to taste different kinds of food. They visit locally owned, small restaurants, a la Rachael Ray's Tasty Travels or $40 a Day. What with the travel aspect and the let's-turn-the-Southern-charm-up-to-eleven aspect, I fully expected to hate this show. Surprisingly, I've grown to like the Deen boys and this light little show. Jamie and Bobby truly are charming and personable - sort of like the Paula Deen of yesteryear*. I enjoy the banter between the brothers ("Brother!"), and they are kind and easygoing with the guests. It's not the best thing I've ever seen on the Food Network, but it's nice, light summer fare.

Hotter: Feasting on Asphalt

When I heard that Alton Brown was doing a cross-country road trip on his motorcycle, I was excited. Good Eats is one of the best shows on the Food Network and I couldn't wait to see how Alton would put his spin on the traveling food show genre. Plus, "Feasting on Asphalt" is so poetic, so Alton, that I had high expectations. The scenery is great, Alton busts out his knowledge at every turn, and the food choices have been predictably quirky (brains - ew!). However, the show is somewhat of a letdown due to poor pacing and the realization that Alton is human, after all. Look, the show is pretty darn good, but when you're talking about Alton Brown you expect great things. There are only a few episodes left and I will continue to watch them, but I wish I had lowered my expectations before viewing this show.

Hottest: Throwdown with Bobby Flay

I can't believe it either! How is Bobby Flay, my nemesis, most arrogant cook on the planet, hosting my favorite Food Network show of the summer season? I couldn't wait to watch Flay bust out his smarm on the common man so I could bust out the snark on Flay, but instead he's been humble, funny, and sincere. The ultra-competitive Iron Chef Flay is nowhere to be found, and instead he seems like he enjoys meeting the amateurs and is genuinely having a good time. I started to like Flay during the last Next Food Network Star season because he gave the contestants solid advice and criticism, but this show has cemented it for me: I am now a (mild) fan of Bobby Flay.

The challenger cooks have been good-natured and up to the challenge; indeed, most of them have whupped on Flay. I was concerned that Food Network would play these amateurs for laughs or that it would seem like they were being duped, but all of the cooks seem eager to challenge Bobby Flay. The contestants believe that they are taping a profile for Food Network, and that's essentially what they do for much of the show, before Flay enters the picture. However, I'm not totally convinced that the bait-and-switch is necessary, because I think plenty of cooks would want the challenge (and exposure) of going mano y mano with Flay. At any rate, this show is more of a showcase for the amateur's talent than a show about Flay or even the competition itself.

Still, Flay's good, the contestants are good, the food's good, but the key to this show is Flay's two soux chefs, Miriam and Stephanie. They keep him in line and aren't afraid to let him know when he's screwing up a recipe, running out of time, or just generally being a chump. I could see a Three's Company remake starring Flay and those two women. But who would play Mr. Furley?

*I'm currently trying to compose my thoughts for a monster post about the downfall of Paula Deen. It's been painful to watch, as my favorite Food Network host has turned into a cariacture of herself, alternating between amped-up bawdiness and sedated melancholy. It's truly terrifying.

Food Network or...Something Else?

2006-08-03T16:01:00.000-07:00

There's been a lot of discussion about the sensual and sexual nature of the Food Network. Via BoingBoing, I bring you Food Network or porn - can you tell the difference*?

I recognized all of the Food Network stars (and none of the porn stars), so the quiz was rather easy. They included some great Giada-in-ecstacy shots and even a scary Rachael Ray shot, but where the heck was Sandra Lee? Perhaps her food doesn't taste good enough to warrant eye-rolling and moaning, just scary drunken staredowns:

*somewhat not safe for work

R&R: How Cool is That?

2006-07-10T18:26:00.000-07:00

Rachael Ray's new talk show premieres September 18. Mark that on your calendars, people, because I have a feeling we're about to embark on the snarkfest to end all snarkfests, especially if the following commercials are any indication.

What I'm Not

I'm not a chef, I'm a cook.

I don't bake. I'm really adventurous. I'll try anything once.

Daytime Needs Her

She's got the tv, tv shows, cookbooks; she's like your best girlfriend.

She is the best thing to happen to daytime tv.

Daytime tv needs somebody who's not afraid to be different.

Rachael Ray and R Words

Rowdy, risque, radiant, real, romantic, rebellious.

Everyone needs a little R&R: Rachael Ray

Eat vs. Shop

I like to eat while shopping.

Don't tell them!

They wanted me to do this stuff where I go, "Hi, I'm Rachael Ray, watch the show because you'll get blah blah blah.... It's not going to work, guys!"

You should also know that Rachael Ray has received a Seal of Approval from the Attractive Daytime Television Viewers of America:

By the way, how tired is the whole chick on a motorcycle thing nowadays? Not only did Mariah do it for a Pepsi commercial, but Ms. Piggy did it for The Great Muppet Caper*!

I can already foresee that I'm going to develop a love/hate relationship with Rachael Ray's show. How excited am I? This excited:

*As noted by the incomparable FourFour.

Anthony Bourdain: Back in Black

2006-06-26T18:24:00.000-07:00

Now that Anthony Bourdain has a new book coming out, he drops in at Salon for this laugh-out-loud interview. It's worth the commercial they make you sit through.

After calling Rachael Ray a bobblehead, the interviewer asks Bourdain if he may revise his opinion of her:

Will we see you in a year saying, "Oh, I had drinks with Rachael Ray, and actually, she's all right"?

Yeah, right. "After the hot-tub incident, I've changed my mind." You know, listen, like I said, I could be wrong. Unlikely. But maybe she's nice to puppies.

Sure, sure -- you haven't seen her kicking any old people lately.

Actually, that would be cool. If I ever saw her getting trashed on Old Crow, pistol-whipping a vegan after a bar crawl, I would think, "That's an interesting woman. I would like to know her."

Go now.

Food Network Tidbits

2006-06-26T15:56:00.000-07:00

Some new Food Network shows are coming up. Clearly, Food Network cannot have too many travelling shows or party/bash shows.

Guy's Big Bite - Sunday, June 25

Anyone catch this? I was TiVoing something else and missed it (God help me and my addiction to the modern Western). Did Guy deliver?

Road Tasted - Tuesday, July 11

Jamie and Bobby Dean travels around the country to find good people, tasty food, and butter reserves for their mama. (Until a few weeks ago this was known as Two for the Road.)

Throwdown with Bobby Flay - Thursday, July 13

Bobbly Flay travels around the country to find good people, tasty food, and amateur chefs to challenge in surprise cook-offs. Bloghungry nailed this one.

Feasting on Asphalt - Saturday, July 29

Alton Brown travels around the country to find good people, tasty food, and a contract with another network. To distinguish this from all the other travelling food shows, Alton will travel by motorcycle.

Paula's Cooking Party - September 2006

With a talk show format, Paula will split her time between her hometown of Savannah, Georgia and travelling around the country to find good people, tasty food, and her mojo.

Nigella Feasts - September 2006

Nigella has finally been lured to the Food Network for this show. Based on her bestselling book, Nigella Feasts is about "celebrating family, public holidays and private passions". Just as long as she doesn't leave out Flag Day.

Iron Chef America: All Star Battle - November 2006

Flay/de Laurentiis vs. Batali/Ray. Enough said.

Semi-Fantastic Sandra Lee Blog

2006-06-09T12:37:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a break from an ultra-busy Friday to direct you to one of the funniest blogs I've ever seen. Take a few minutes and peruse the hilarity over at Semi-Horrible Cooking. This person does a play-by-play of each episode of Semi-Homemade Cooking and even finds time to deconstruct random photos of Ms. Lee(?):

I realize the whole thing is a little OCD, but if you're looking for Semi-Homemade minutae, go now! You won't be sorry.

Ellie Krieger: Food Network's Savior?

2006-06-06T16:16:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I flipped to the Food Network as I was lounging in a hotel room. The host, a pretty brunette, was cooking whole-wheat pancakes, a healthy-looking wrap sandwich, and asparagus wrapped in smoked turkey. I double-checked my hotel viewing guide; was this really the Food Network? There were no spastic arm movements, no cutesy sayings, and no tablescapes. No gluttonous amounts of butter and mayo, and no cocktails that looked like something dreamed up by a nefarious frat boy¹.

When I got home I confirmed that it was indeed the Food Network, and the show was Healthy Appetite with Ellie Krieger. Since then I've watched a few more episodes and I am happy to report that Ellie is a fine addition to the Food Network family. My biggest beef with Sandra Lee and Rachael Ray is that I don't think they don't enjoy cooking. Now, I don't enjoy it every day (hence the occasional leftover day), but I have no problem with spending an hour or two in the kitchen every now and then if it means that I'll have a really fantastic meal at the end of it. This is one of the reasons I love Giada and Ina: they are patient with their food and won't cut corners to shave a few minutes off of their preparation time. Ellie seems like this too: she's not obsessed with the clock and how to make cooking seem easy.

Ellie Krieger has her masters in nutrition from Columbia, and unlike that other Food Network nutritionist, she looks healthy and seems knowledgable about nutritional information. I learned that cherry tomatoes are a good source of vitamin C, and that by rinsing off beans, you reduce the sodium by 40%. Imagine that: a cook who is informed about what she puts into her body, not just if she can cook the whole thing in less than 30 minutes. Her book, Small Changes, Big Results has some excellent reviews and sounds like it espouses the same philosophy as her show.

I'm loving her show, but it's not perfect. A cook's knife ability is one of the things that separates the pros from the rest of us, and right now Ellie's knife work is decidedly amateur. Sometimes Ellie seems nervous and not very comfortable in front of the camera, but after seeing video of Giada's early years, I'm convinced anyone can become a star in front of the camera with enough practice. Finally, some of Ellie's portions are, shall we say, meager. As an American, I'm used to gigantic portions and spending time in Europe only solidified this. However, I have been fooled a few times now by thinking that she was making a side dish and it turned out to be the main course. A few stalks of asparagus does not a dinner make. That's pretty easy to adjust, though, if you realize that her portions run on the small size.

Kudos to the Food Network for adding an informative, non-gimmicky show to the lineup. I guess something has to balance out yet another "food on the road" show.

¹ There was one cocktail, but it was rather refined.

² One more thing, how hot is her husband? According to this bio, his name is Thom and he's an Outward Bound expedition leader.

Rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated

2006-05-31T18:40:00.000-07:00

I haven't died or retired; I've just been very busy with work and took a two week vacation.

Regular updates will start again next week.

Lately I've been watching a lot of Food 911 and pondering the apparent sex-symbol status of the homely (to me, anyway) Tyler Florence.

I've begun a love affair with Ellie Krieger: she is what Robin "Skeletor" Miller aspires to be.

Sandra Lee continues to be downright unwatchable, even with her new intro and the segment dedicated entirely to tablescapes.

Rachael Ray moves ahead with her plan of world domination.

Paula Deen still looks tired.

Her sons' new show airs June 27.

See ya next week!

The Next Food Network Star: Which Guy Won?

2006-04-23T22:22:00.000-07:00

On April 5, I predicted:

I'll be surprised if Guy doesn't win this thing. He's arrogant, loud, and obnoxious, but he's the only one out of the 8 contestants that seems remotely camera-ready. He's Emeril with a bad bleach job. This entire competition just seems like a formality before they give Guy his own show.

On April 12, I said:

I still think this entire show is a run-up to Guy's evenutal coronation.

On April 19, I wrote:

I think Guy will end up having his own nationally televised cooking show either way.

It's not like I was alone in feeling like Guy was way ahead of the pack. Anyone who watched more than 10 minutes of any episode would see that Guy was the clear front runner. Even the Food Network gave Guy prime placement in its print ads:

For those who haven't seen the finale yet, I think you can see what I'm getting at. Meet The Next Food Network Star.

The Next Food Network Star: Final Two

2006-04-19T13:06:00.000-07:00

Here we are, down to the final two on The Next Food Network Star. It's been a long, tedious and somewhat unmemorable journey. It's come down to Guy and Reggie:

Nate was the first person eliminated on Sunday night. After all this time, he still couldn't manage the clock at all and didn't exhibit any kind of unique personality traits. He was just an arrogant, bald shell of a guy. He had lots of knowledge about cooking - that much is certain - but his schtick just didn't translate to a 30 minute cooking show. I bet he could write a heck of a cookbook, though.

Carissa was the next to go after fumbling her appearance on CBS' The Early Show.

Paula Deen made an appearance and looked shockingly bad. I look into that woman's eyes and just want to cry because there seems to be some kind of terrifying desperation there. I wonder if she's battling agoraphobia again. She seemed like she may have been heavily medicated as well. In fact, she kind of had that weird drugged-up Paula Abdul thing going on.

Reggie and Guy each taped a show pilot. Reggie was better than I had expected, although his use of the word "sassy" must stop. Now. His Balsalmic Glazed Chicken looked simple and good.

His dessert was straight out of Sandra Lee's playbook. For shame.

Guy seemed a little more nervous than I would have thought. The Tequlia Turkey Fettucine looked good plated, but after seeing the ingredients he used it looked like it would be on the bland side.

The Breath Mint Pie could go either way. Either it would be sinfully delicious or way too sweet and overpowering. I believe this basically a variation of Grasshopper Pie.

After all this, I still don't know who I'm going to vote for - if I vote at all. I think Guy will end up having his own nationally televised cooking show either way, but I think this is probably Reggie's only shot. Then again, I don't know if I'd watch either of their shows. I've seen Dan and Steve twice in the year they've been on, and their obvious nervousness was too painful to watch.

Perhaps I'll sit this one out and see if Food Network can create a compelling Next Food Network Star in 2007. But I won't be holding my breath.

PS: I finally figured out who Guy looks like. Corey Feldman, circa 2003.

Food Network Tidbits

2006-04-18T15:46:00.000-07:00

First off, last week I became a married woman. Mr. Armchair Cook and I semi-eloped near our home in Hawaii and spent the weekend on a mini-honeymoon on a neighbor island. We just got back and I haven't even watched the Next Food Network Star episode from the weekend! Thank goodness for TiVo, the web, and my dedicated readers who keep me updated on all things Food Network!

The web is abuzz with the news that Guy and Reggie are the last two standing on The Next Food Network Star! I'll do a full writeup tomorrow, but who are you voting for? Leave me a comment and let's see who the frontrunner is!

Last month I reported that Sandra Lee would be cohosting a prime time cooking competition with Alan Thicke. After seeing a few Sandy-less commercials, I went to the official Celebrity Cooking Showdown website, and she is nowhere to be seen. Even this article dated yesterday still lists Sandra as co-host. I wonder what the scoop is?

Going back even further, in January I posted my $0.02 regarding the seemingly endless speculation about Michael Chiarello's sexuality. Yesterday, someone claiming to be M. Chiarello himself commented on that post. Could it be him? I found a comment on another blog from 2004 from someone with a similar writing style also claiming to be M. Chiarello. We may never know for sure, but I still love his show and still think he's too sexy for words.

The Next Food Network Star: Final Four

2006-04-12T18:23:00.000-07:00

Well, that was quite the shocker, wasn't it? Last week I predicted that Nathan would be sent home, but instead it was Andy who got the boot. Andy was wooden in front of the camera and had no discernable personality, but at least he wasn't a jerk. We'll miss you, Andrew Schumacher!

But we won't miss that 'stache.

Nate is still an overtweezed jerk.

Last week I suspected that Reggie's incompetence was part of a redemptive story arc, but now I think that it's Carissa's turn to make the transition from hopelessly flawed to shoo-in for the final two. I think we'll say goodbye to Reggie next.

Carissa's cupcake demo was a mess and her show pitch didn't blow me away, yet the judges insisted that Carissa found her niche. I'm predicting a Guy/Carissa final two.

Speaking of Guy, he blew everyone out of the water in the cupcake demo. I would watch a show with him finding fun and funky ways to present food. His show pitch was alright, but his concept was no more scattered than the other 3. I still think this entire show is a run-up to Guy's evenutal coronation.

I thought all of their show pitches were boring and safe (did I just channel American Idol?), and all of their presentations seemed half-baked, like they'd never considered it before. Plus, they're basically doing what all the other hosts do. I can't believe Bob Tuschman gave Reggie a hard time: "Why would we want to have 2 Southern cooking shows? We already have Paula Deen." How many Italian shows does the Food Network have? Four? Shame on the contestants for being bland and predictable, and shame on the judges and Food Network for moving the network in such a boring direction*.

Alton Brown was awesome, and I loved the practical advice he gave to each of the contestants. That man has some serious wisdom. I would totally purchase an "Alton Brown's Guide to Life".

Next week Paula Deen is a guest, and in the previews she looked really rough. Uh oh, I hope she's not overextending herself a la Rachael Ray.

*Awhile back I came up with some ideas for new Food Network shows. I know, I know, dream on. But still, I haven't given up hope. (Also, I saw Padma Lakshmi on some Travel Channel show the other day. She was showing Jeremy Piven around India.)

The Next Food Network Star: Digging Deep

2006-04-05T18:07:00.000-07:00

I finally got a chance to catch up on the second season of The Next Food Network Star. After watching all 4 hours last night, I can firmly say that I want everyone to lose.

Seriously, Food Network, this is the best you can do? Out of 10,000 applications, these are the 8 you chose? I haven't been this appalled by my choices (or lack thereof) since the last election. It's the boring team (Jess, Beth, Andy) versus the pompous team (Nathan, Carissa, Guy).

Still, I watch this stuff so you don't have to, so I will soldier on. A quick recap:

The first to go was Jess. Girlfriend seemed so nervous at times that I was hoping for a mercy elimination. I think she was too.

Next up was Beth. I kept forgetting she was in the competition. Boring, bland.

The third contestant to get the boot was Sofrito, er, Evette. I'm all for Food Network getting more ethnic cooking shows, but the omnipresent jar of Goya Sofrito was pretty weak. I did feel sorry for her as she was picked on by Nathan ("f***ing Sofrito!") and Clarissa ("How's that tiramisu coming along?"). I don't think Evette's heart was really in it.

Nathan is still in there, but barely. I predict he'll be going home next. He's one arrogant dude, and I did have a good laugh when he took us back to his modeling days, complete with a wistful reference to his "beautiful flowing blond hair".

Reggie seems like a nice guy. I think the NFNS editors are playing up his supposed incompetence, probably to manufacture a "look how far Reggie has come!" storyline in the remaining episodes. Yes, I am a disciple of Bunim/Murray shows and America's Next Top Model. I think he'll stick around for awhile.

I think Andy is the best cook of them all, and I love the way I can actually learn something from him. I also liked the way he helped Reggie with the lemongrass in the team challenge, but without showboating or condescending to Reggie. That said, Andy needs a date with a razor asap. His fuzzy moustache screams "statuatory rapist stoner" to me.

I'll be surprised if Guy doesn't win this thing. He's arrogant, loud, and obnoxious, but he's the only one out of the 8 contestants that seems remotely camera-ready. He's Emeril with a bad bleach job. This entire competition just seems like a formality before they give Guy his own show.

Last and least, Carissa. I can't explain my instant, visceral hatred for this woman. Even if she didn't have 15 bikini shots each episode, I still couldn't stand her. She strikes me as having a huge sense of entitlement, and she whines like a spoiled brat when things don't go her way. Carissa is one of those women who has never had any girlfriends and can't figure out why, while the entire time she's scheming to steal all the men. She's like the poor man's Sandra Lee.

Another thing: I'm sure they didn't teach her to have those hooker nails at Le Cordon Bleu. I was waiting for Giada to call Carissa out on the nails, but instead Giada told her to get rid of the jewelry.

Bobby Flay has been deliciously snarky; he's definitely in his element.

I still think the other judges, Susie and Bob, are jerks, but I can live with that because I too feel like a jerk while watching this show. One thing I notice is that the judges keep admonishing the contestants for behavior that is prevalent all over the Food Network, such as overusing cutesy catch phrases.

Speaking of Rachael Ray, her guest appearance was typical Ray-Ray upper-fueled blather. No surprises there.

Sandra Lee's appearance was remarkable if only for the fact that they consider her to be some kind of authority on cooking.

I am becoming a full-on Giada fan, partially due to my realization that she has the best catalog of recipes of any Food Network host, and partially because of her Chefography episode. One of my pet peeves is celebrities who bemoan their success and insist that they did not want to become famous, because most of the time I believe it to be a transparent ploy to sound like they are down to earth. In Giada's case, however, I totally believe that she did not want to be in the spotlight and is instead driven by her love of food and tradition. Plus, I would give my first born to have skin like this:

In the promo clip for next week's episode, guest judge Alton Brown looks to be showing the contestants some tough love ("If you can't do this in under 10 seconds, you should leave right now.") From the short clip they showed, I get a strong "I'm only doing this because it's in my contract" vibe from Alton. Alton's opinions mean the most to me, so I'm curious to see how he assesses the contestants.

Dave Lieberman is also on next week's show, and the week after features Paula Deen.

Here are some gratuitous shots of Rachael Ray looking haggard: