When it was time to ETS, there was not much of a market.  Base reorganization and frequent deployments meant that people were more interested in renting than in buying.  Since then, the housing market has completely tanked, making selling even more difficult.

Renting out a house in a military area is also complicated given the frequency of military moves and deployments.

Up until recently, we had a renter in the house, which covered the mortgage, plus the management fees.  Now, however, the house is vacant and we are carrying the mortgage on this property until the management company finds new occupants.

How many other military families are in similar positions?  And how is this affecting your budget?

Photo Credit: Row Houses

My understanding is that all military personnel must have a working family care plan, whether or not a deployment is imminent.

As much as I feel for a single mother trying to take care of her family and serve her country, I suspect there is more to this story.

In this AP article, a spokesperson for the Army claims that “he did not know what Specialist Hutchinson was told by her commanders but that the Army would not deploy a single parent who had nobody to care for a child.” The article quotes him as saying, “If she would have come to the deployment terminal with her child, there’s no question she would not have been deployed.”

Thougths?

Photo: AP

In a time of war, our veterans may find they have difficulty re-entering the society they fought to protect.

One of the things that struck me is that Veterans Day may be more about us (the society) than them (the Veterans).  It makes sense for the survivors to honor the fallen during Memorial Day but why is Veterans Day also celebrated with a parade in which we have servicemembers march?  Is it really for the vets or is it so we can have public symbol that assures us we are honoring them and perhaps protects us from having to ask and attempt to answer the deeper questions. Questions about honor, duty, and the nature of war.

I’m also reminded of an essay I read a while ago, “On Sheep, Wolves and Sheepdogs” (From On Combat, by Lt. Col. Dave Grossman).  The old link does not seem to work but I found it here:

If you have no capacity for violence then you are a healthy productive citizen: a sheep. If you have a capacity for violence and no empathy for your fellow citizens, then you have defined an aggressive sociopath–a wolf. But what if you have a capacity for violence, and a deep love for your fellow citizens? Then you are a sheepdog, a warrior, someone who is walking the hero’s path. Someone who can walk into the heart of darkness, into the universal human phobia, and walk out unscathed. [...]

The sheep generally do not like the sheepdog. He looks a lot like the wolf. He has fangs and the capacity for violence. The difference, though, is that the sheepdog must not, cannot and will not ever harm the sheep. Any sheepdog who intentionally harms the lowliest little lamb will be punished and removed. The world cannot work any other way, at least not in a representative democracy or a republic such as ours.

Still, the sheepdog disturbs the sheep. He is a constant reminder that there are wolves in the land. [...]

Until the wolf shows up. Then the entire flock tries desperately to hide behind one lonely sheepdog.

The whole thing is worth a read. And it brings up the question of how we treat our warriors who protect us from the wolves.  A fallen warrior is given full honors.  What about those who return?  How can we treat them as more than just an inconvenient reminder of the violence in the world we’d rather forget?  How can we truly show our appreciation to the living heroes?

Photo: Paul Keleher

Found via Cool Mom Picks (via Fairly Odd Mother), these military support groups will accept your candy for care packages for our troops:

• Any Soldier
• Operation Shoebox
• Operation Gratitude (you have to ship to California, first)

They also have some great children’s charities listed if you’d prefer to drop off your remaining candy locally.

Some local dentists are also hosting candy “buy back” programs, giving out stickers, toothbrushes, and even sometimes cash for the candy and then taking the boxes of sweets and donating them for you.

I need some help from all you other army wives out there… When I got told that being an army wife was one of the hardest jobs in the military, I didn’t really believe it. That is until I married my husband! I now have a new respect for all the women that have been doing this for years. I myself am a newly wed. Yep, as of October 2nd this year! But being away from him for these long periods of time is KILLING me. So can anyone make a few suggestions as to how I can start to deal with this a little bit better? I’m pretty lost. I think I’d really love an answer from anybody willing to give me ANY kind of suggestion! THANX!!!

Whether you are moving to a new country, an isolated posting, or your service member is deploying, I advise you to “grow where you are planted“.

Get involved, get busy.  Or, as Tim Gunn says, “make it work“.

Reach out to other military spouses. Find deployment support groups, try the FRG, volunteer on post.  Most posts have a community center where you will find postings for groups, classes, seminars and events.

You can also find other spouses online on military spouse community sites and bulletin boards.  And head online to meet people locally, too.  I’ve used meet-up to find kindred spirits.

Get involved in the community off post, too. Find things that interest you. Join clubs, take classes, get a job (if you don’t already have one), volunteer, go to concerts, etc.  Whatever your hobby or passion, you can find kindred spirits. Even in the smallest, most isolated post, you will find people making art, playing music, enjoying conversation, learning and living.

Consider your spiritual life.  If you are religious, this may be a good time to deepen your connection with your faith-based community.  If you are not religious, seek out other sources of positive energy for you.  This can be as simple as keeping a 10 minute “tea time” for yourself every day.

Stay away from negative people and drama that saps your energy. Focus on activities that give you strength and enjoyment.

This helps the days pass quicker and also gives you things to talk about with your spouse.  When you reunite, you will be glad that you also had new experiences that challenged you and helped you grow as a person.

At home, alone, at night, though, I find can be particularly lonely. I would use this time to write letters to my husband and put together care packages. This way I was doing something positive for him and our relationship.

I’d never say it is easy, but if you approach deployment with a positive attitude, you’ll find it goes quicker and easier!

What are your tips for making the time apart pass more quickly?

Photo credit: Seedling

People join the military for a lot of reasons and I think health insurance is certainly a valid one.

I want to wish this family better health and better times.  Here’s a beautiful quote:

“Seventy percent of the reason is for the insurance,” said Bill’s mother, Marguerite Hemiller. “He told me, ‘I’ve always wanted to do something for my country and I have to help Michelle.’”

Now that Bill Caudle and his wife are part of our family, I wonder if there is a way we can reach out to them and support them?

Part of the bill allows the servicemember to transfer the tuition benefits to family members.

In order to qualify, my husband needs to transfer the benefits and then complete an additional service requirement (beyond his initial commitment).  He already completed his initial active duty commitment and just finished his IRR requirement and now he has decided to stay on in the National Guard.  Mostly he is staying in the Guard because he enjoys being able to continue serving but the ability to transfer his educational benefits to our kids definitely helps, too.

What do you think of the post-9/11 Bill? Is your servicemember going to use it?

Would you like to be a contributor at the new site? Just let me know if you are interested by sending me an e-mail or leaving a comment.

Although the new site will be “Army Wives Lives”, Military Spouses of all branches are welcome to make themselves at home!

Looking forward to getting the new digs set up.

Hey Molly my husband is looking into a career In the army, I don’t like the idea because he will never be home and could always be deployed and could die. I am 19 he is 26 years old and we have a 5 month old daughter I didn’t not sign up to be a military wife I don’t like the idea of moving every other year and not being able to see him everyday and then spending long time periods away from him I guess my question is what is being a military spouse really like. He will be entering as a E3 but I don’t want to hear the lie from the recruiter I want to ask some one who is there.

Dear reader,

Thank you for writing. Although you are already married, you may want to check out my post, “Should I Marry a Soldier?” I cover some of the questions you ask here but the long and the short of it is that no one can really give you the answers you are seeking.

Your family’s experience in the military will vary depending on your husband’s MOS (his specialty), the post, the unit, and even down to his Commanding Officer and NCOs. And it will also depend on both of you.

As someone who has been there I will not downplay the challenges of military life. At the same time, it can be a wonderful lifestyle for those who are able to “bloom where they are planted.” One of the lessons I have learned in life is that happy people are generally happy wherever they are and miserable people are miserable wherever they go. That said, military life can be intense and can bring out the strengths and weaknesses in people and in relationships.

What I will say is that no one is never home or deployed all of the time. And it seems as if the “operational tempo” may slow in the near future. God willing.

And very few people’s lives happen exactly as they plan. A lot of families find themselves moving frequently.

While the risk of being killed in combat is very real, it is statistically not great. It is the possibility, and the constant threat of this danger, that can be very difficult for both the soldier and his family.

Your question is really a marital issue than a military one. You had a picture of your future for you and your family and you married a man who you believed shared that plan. Now, he has brought something new and you do not like the idea. How you deal with this challenge will shape your future regardless of the decision made.

I am not a marriage counselor but here are my suggestions:

1. Do some research into his proposed MOS. Are there limited posts where he might be stationed?

2. Read up. Go to your library and take out some non-fiction books for new military spouses. You’ll find an honest but upbeat take on what to expect in general. Keep in mind that your mileage will vary.

3. Have him do the same. He needs to come to you with an honest assessment of why he would like to enlist, what he hopes to accomplish in the military, and how this will shape the family’s future. Has he always dreamed of being a soldier? Does he believe it is his duty to serve? Perhaps he sees the military as his best hope for career advancement? Or maybe he wants to provide for his family with the job security and benefits of the military?

4. Make a decision together. This is very difficult because you do not want him to resent you for telling him not to enlist. At the same time, it will be a very unpleasant career and possibly unsuccessful marriage if you are not at least a willing partner in this decision. Just like any other major decision in a marriage, you both need to reach some sort of agreement, even if one person will have to make more sacrifices than the other.

If you cannot do this on your own, you may wish to speak with a clergyman if you are at all religious or perhaps go to a couples’ counselor who can help you talk through these issues in a non-confrontational way.

Whether or not he joins the military, this will hopefully help you understand each other and your marriage better and you’ll come through it stronger.

Best of luck and please update us!

We are doing home improvements. In fact, we just remodeled our basement using a basement finishing system with these guys. If you happen to be on Long Island and want to get your basement finished, tell them Candace sent you because I get a referral if you use them (which I do recommend)! I’ll post pics once I get the kids stuff down there.

We may even get to do a little landscaping.

I’ve started volunteering with the local historical society, which is a lot of fun for me.

At the same time, I look back fondly on the camaraderie of the Active Duty days. DH’s National Guard unit is spread out across the state. I’ve joined meet-up groups in the area but never seem to see the same people more than a handful of times. We go to the library, but again…different parents or often grandparents or nannies–people who are just at different stages in their lives.

So, busy, busy, busy! But little opportunity to form tight, meaningful friendships.

A few thoughts about An Army Wife’s Life…I’d like to make this site more about you, the readers. I find I spend a lot of time answering questions, in the comments or via e-mail, but have little about which to post. How can we transform this into a community site? I’ve bought a new domain, which I plan on unveiling, soon. And I’m considering adding a forum, FAQs, resource pages, etc.

Any thoughts?