Arthritic Young Thing

Heh

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Mon, 10 Sep 2012 00:25:00 +0000

Don't Let the Door Hit You...

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Mon, 03 Sep 2012 07:18:00 +0000

Last night was really fun except for one incident that really pissed me off. A bit of backstory here: until very recently I was dating two guys, Painslut and Brony. I've been seeing both of them since 2010.Recently I broke up with Brony because he never seemed to have any time for me. He was always either working or holed up playing video games. I didn't feel like our relationship had much of a future, so I called it off.

Last night I learned from a female friend that Brony has been hitting on her and saying something pretty shitty about me behind my back. Apparently, he's been telling my friend that he wishes he didn't have to be so gentle with me because of my arthritis. WTF? If he had a problem with that, he never should have been dating me. And why was he telling my friend? Hoping to gain her sympathy and score some points? It had the opposite effect, really. I knew while I was dating Brony that my friend wasn't too keen on him, and now I know why.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

I Do So Love A Man's Tears

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 08:04:00 +0000

painslut and I took the Aquabus today all around False Creek harbour. First we left from Yaletown and docked at Granville Island. painslut and I strolled along the boardwalk mostly window shopping, although we did stop at Dragonspace to check out the figurines and Wiccan stuff. I found myself touched by nostalgia as I wheeled from display to display. I don't really miss being a witch - I'm happier with my current spiritual beliefs - but Wicca does have a lot of fun elements. And the ritual tools and paraphernalia are so cool! Sure, you can cast a circle by pointing at the ground, but it's much more fun to do with a giant crystal wand! It has more...panache. We also went to the Crystal Ark to check out fossils and giant crystal clusters.

Next we left Granville Island and took the ferry to Science World. There was a *lot* to take in over an hour and fifteen minutes. I got to see all kinds of neat gizmos and doodads, held a snake skin, and got really up close with a tarantula - fortunately behind glass. I used to have a major spider phobia, but I'm getting over that by reading Cracked. They frequently feature articles about scary creatures and it is inevitable to find a giant close-up of a spider in many of these articles. After viewing dozens I find I am getting desensitized to my fear. It's on the bucket list to hold a tarantula before I die.

I was really tired today from only getting five hours of sleep, so I found myself phasing out a lot throughout the day. I think I held up pretty well though, partially because I had three giant cups of tea. The trip was mostly fun - the only stressful part was navigating crowds. I was a little overwhelmed by all the kids at Science World - individual kids I like but I don't tolerate groups of 'em very well. I can't imagine being a teacher or working in a daycare center.

After we left Science World we went home and snuggled, then on to MVK, a local BDSM party. We met up with my ex-girlfriend KitCat and did an interrogation/torture scene with painslut. First we wrestled him to the ground, then we cuffed his hands behind his back. I read him his Miranda rights - I learned them specifically for tonight's scene - and marched him to the interrogation chair. We pretended to train a gun on him and did a body search, then we stripped him and strapped him down to the chair. Over the course of the next hour or so we pushed his pain limits and we actually broke him. It's always been a fantasy of mine to make a guy cry (in a kinky context, that is) but for a moment I was alarmed that perhaps I had pushed him too far. You see, I was hitting him with a dragon's tongue and I wrapped the tip of the dragon's tongue around his entire cock and simultaneously flicked the the tip of the head with the tip of the tongue. Oops. Fortunately, painslut is into cock and ball torture, but even so, he was holding his crotch and whimpering for quite some time afterwards.

Now we are home and I'm typing this as he is lying on the bed with ice on his dick. My life is funny.

Student Zephyr

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 09:11:00 +0000

I signed up for a course today, Biology 12. Why am I taking a high school course when I have post-secondary education, you ask? Well, it's been a long time since I was in school. I've forgotten most of what I learned in high school, not that I learned a lot. I was too busy sleeping through my classes. I spent most of Biology 11 and 12 with my head on my desk.

I am both looking forward to taking the course and apprehensive. On the one hand, I enjoy learning and have brains. On the other hand, I have trouble using them frequently due to the disabilities. Fibromyalgia fog shuts down the higher functions of a person's intelligence when they're tired, and that does happen to me sometimes. Pain also interferes with my ability to be a student. In the winter of this year I actually did English 12 and found that studying gave me quite a few headaches. In fact, I had so many headaches I had to drop one course, which made me feel really sad. :(

I'm seeing an occupational therapist and we're going to apply for funding to get me some things to help out with the physical effort of studying. We're going to ask for a book stand, an ergonomic office chair, ergonomic arm support, ergonomic mouse, Dragon, a keyboard slide-out tray, and a wheelchair tray. If the grant comes through it'll feel like Christmas!

I'm finding it more and more difficult to not be in school or working. For starters, it's boring. I also miss the social contact. Being out in the light helps too, as being shut up in a dark apartment can trigger depression.

I am looking forward to the course overall, though. It gives me something to do, a raison d'etre. It really bolsters my self-esteem to feel like I'm enriching my mind and improving myself as a person. That's one of the dark sides of disability, the feeling that you have no value as a person if you can't do things. I know intellectually that I don't need to do things, that it's ok to just be, but my gut doesn't get it yet. I feel the need to achieve and triumph. I think there's a place for both being and doing, and life is about finding the fine line between them.

Tomorrow painslut and I doing some touristy stuff here in Vancouver. Although we both live here, we generally haven't done much of the scenic stuff available here. We're going to ride a ferry, and go to Science World and check out Granville Island. I'm especially looking forward to the boat ride. I'm Newfie. It's in my blood. If I don't get on a boat every so often I get antsy.

Night!

...Now Ya Gotta Kiss Me

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Tue, 28 Aug 2012 05:40:00 +0000

Hi everybody.

It's been a while. Three years, in fact. What to say after all this time?

Have you missed me? :P

Let's see, what have I been up to? Let's start with the ubiquitous health stuff. I had my right ankle fused in 2009 for those of you haven't been regular readers. It helped with pain, but marginally for movement - my ankle surgeon says I'm gonna need the ankle replaced as well. Bummer. My rheumatologist has also informed me that my right shoulder is going to need replacing, though not soon. My arthritis is doing ok now that I'm on a medication called Orencia. The fibromyalgia is doing well right now too, as the hot weather is helping both conditions. My mental health is calm with depressive periods. I've decided this year that I'm going to start using the lightbox before I start getting Seasonal Affective Disorder. On the upside, my current mental health meds really help with fibromyalgia, migraines, and anxiety so other than some depression and dissociation here and there I'm much better than I used to be overall.

My arthritis and fibro may be doing ok, but I'm really out of shape. I spent a lot of time in bed over the last few years due to various health stuff and my muscles are incredibly deconditioned. It's going to take time to rebuild them.

I'm on much fewer medications, and my current medication regimen has fewer side effects than my old one. Yay!

I moved from Coquitlam to downtown Vancouver - I live in the yuppie section called Yaletown, close to the gay ghetto. It's quite nice, although I really miss Commercial Drive and East Vancouver in general. We have a couple of lovely parks a couple blocks away, and the beach is nearby as well. I've been spending a lot of time in the park lately, reading and swinging in the swings like a silly little zephyr. :) I am quite freckled.

I've reconciled completely with my family. I've realized that they no longer resemble the abusive ghosts I've been seeing since I left Newfoundland 8 years ago. Yes, they were abusive towards me when I was a child, and yes, it does still haunt me sometimes, but that isn't who they are anymore. They've helped me get through quite a few hard times over the past few years, and I don't know what I would have done without their unconditional love and support. They still drive me nuts sometimes, but isn't that almost a familial obligation? ;) It doesn't mean I'm 100% healed from the trauma of my childhood, but a good chunk of the past has been put to rest now.

My love life has been....up and down. My relationships with Matthew and the boy came to an end in early 2010. I won't get into the reasons for the breakups, as it's all convoluted and personal, so let's just say it didn't work out and it was nobody's fault. I started dating my current partner, whom I'll call painslut - for reasons that should be obvious from the name - in late 2010 after a loooong hiatus from dating. We actually met at a friend's Halloween party - he was a pirate and I don't remember what I was! I love the way he tells the story;

So there I was, all floaty and in subspace from having just done a heavy scene, and I look across the room and see this gorgeous top. So I go over, introduce myself, and ask if I can kneel at her feet. She shrugged and said "What the hell?" and so I did, and it all went from there.

painslut is noble and chivalric, a true gentleman from tips to toes. He treats me like a lady without being sexist about it. Of course, I've never been the type to mind having guys hold the door for me, or help me down steps. I like being treated like a Princess. :D He's caring, considerate, thoughtful, and loving. He's mature and wise, and I can go to him with my problems and always be sure to get good advice from him. painslut is an excellent bottom and masochist; it took me a while to bring myself to top him the way he needs because I wasn't sure I could be that sadistic! I am happily over that but occasionally I do pause in the midst of hurting him and think "

Am I really being this cruel and getting away with it? Is it really ok to inflict this much suffering on someone, even if they do beg for it?"

The answer is Yes. Give 'em hell.

I'm still hanging out in the BDSM and polyamory circles. I volunteer as a Dungeon Monitor at parties and man the door at Rascals. I don't find myself playing as much now that I'm a top. I think switches have all the fun, personally, especially bisexual switches. They can theoretically play with everyone! I can only play with bottoms now. *pouts* I'm not really hanging out with Pagans much these days, or practicing Paganism. I've developed into something of a secular agnostic, it seems, although I do still meditate and practice self-hypnosis.

That's what I've been up to, in a nutshell. What have YOU been up to? Comment!

Happy Surgery Day

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 17:38:00 +0000

It's surgery day! It's surgery day! I'm so excited. My boyfriend's busy being nervous for me. :P I got everything done that I needed to get done before surgery and I am feeling just dandy. Everything is packed and ready to go and so am I. I'm off to get a hardware upgrade*. Wish me luck!

*ankle fusion

Love

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 09:44:00 +0000

Howdy everyone.

It's been forever since I've checked in. How the heck are you guys? I miss you all. I miss being connected to my community, sharing and doing great things together. You are all so amazing and inspire me so much. I miss being able to share in each other's lives.

I've been using Twitter intermittently. I'm committed to keeping up my online communication, more than I've been doing. Everyone keeps wondering if I fell off the planet, so I promise to update more often!

I didn't fall off the planet or die. In fact, I've never felt more alive. I'm out there living life to the fullest, making every moment and person count, making a difference in the world. I feel so free and liberated.

Great things have been happening with me. My health is doing really well and continues to do well. My relationship with the boy carries on and I can't describe to you how amazing he is. He's simply the sweetest thing in creation. I adore him.

This weekend I picked up another boyfriend. :D This is a huge move forward from being stuck in the past, because I've been in love with Matthew for the last five years. I wouldn't be with him because I was afraid he didn't love me, when the man always has and always will love me more than I can know.

I've forgiven the brother who molested me and I've started a relationship with him again. I'm letting go of my anger towards my family. I finally get that it's OK to ask for what you want. I'm actually creating what I want, here and now, which is the possibility of love for everyone and everything. I'm living those words and not just believing them. I FEEL GREAT!

And I just had the best sex with the boy. Guess I'll be chatting with the neighbors tomorrow. ;)

The event that precepitated this huge personal transformation is my choice to become involved with a group called the Landmark Education Group. They're an education group that hosts seminars and courses all over the world. Their promise is that upon completion of their Curriculum for Living program, you will be living the life you love and creating what you want. I'm doing that now, and I'm so happy! I want to go out and share it with all the people in my life. I want to bring all of you to a Landmark Forum! There's an introductory session here in Vancouver, Tuesday, from 7 pm - 10:30, and I'm throwing out an invitation to each and every one of you reading this. I'm inviting you to come to the Forum intro session with me and my other guests tomorrow evening and create possibilities with me. Even for those of you not local, the Landmark group has centres all over the world. If you want to attend an introductory session, contact me and I will make it happen with you.

Thanks for letting me share, everybody. Good night, and good luck.

Sabrina

What I've Been Up To - In Point Form

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 04:52:00 +0000

Due to fatigue and a severely short attention span, today's post is brought to you in jotnote form!

Of late, I've been:

-spending time with the boy. I have a boy now, a submissive partner, who may just be the sweetest and most adorable thing I've ever seen. He's a newbie, so I get to vicariously do everything for the first time through him. He's such a sweet young innocent thing. Gawd, that makes me predatory and protective all at the same time. Can't explain it.
-doing physio exercises diligently - and then not. I have periods of increase or a good plateau, and then I'll decline and plateau and get down and unmotivated. Fortunately, I still do a bit of walking and a fair bit of sex with the boy, so not completely sedentary
-volunteering here in my building. A core group of us are slowly building an intentional community. I'm a volunteer librarian and part of the writing group here. We may put out a newsletter and/or slambook. I'm attempting to start a meditation group, so far there's not much interest.
-the usual pervy activities. Mostly with the boy, but I'm still dating and poly. Heh, my birthday week was awesome, I wound up having sex with four different guys - all very nice guys. Good times! I'm volunteering less as a dungeon monitor and doing things like door duty, and my fave, being a greeter. That job entails saying hello to people, answering questions, and showing them around. Last time I did a tour of the dungeon using DuckConference (the boy) to demonstrate the equipment. I especially enjoyed putting him in the sex sling.
-this weekend I'm doing the Landmark Forum. It's a three and a half day personal development course, and it is intense. Their premise is that they help you put the past in the past where it belongs, and then figure out how to get unstuck and move forward.
-I'm really liking my new place, my neighbors and the neighborhood. I can see me putting down roots here if things continue to go this positively
-I seem to have allergies all of a sudden. After 31 years with none, suddenly I'm having seasonal allergic reactions to something in the air outside. It sucks! I'm feeling even more tired and worn down than usual. I need to go see my doctor. I have no idea how to treat allergies.

All right, off to do stuff and be productive. Keep checking my Twitter feed, I update more there.

You Lookin' At Me?

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Thu, 14 May 2009 06:46:00 +0000

I don't know what I was doing today, but whatever it was, it worked. Two people called me pretty, and one called me beautiful, unsolicited. These are people I met out and about doing appointments, people I needed to interact with like bus drivers and receptionists. People who clearly were not trying to pick me up.

People kept smiling at me all day long too. It was an awesome day! It couldn't have been my polished facade because I was in jeans and a zipped shirt, with my hair shoved up in a clip. I don't even know if I washed my face, and people are responding to me like...I'm great and gorgeous. It must have been my energy. I cleared a whole bunch of childhood stuff out of me last night, and today it's all integrating peacefully. I think people are sensing my joyous rebirth and are drawn towards it, the way people are drawn towards babies. We love new, fresh energy! Whatever the explanation, I was grateful and slightly humbled by all the niceness.

Maybe the Ativan helped. I had to take 2 mg for a trip to the dentist today. Ativan has made me very peaceful and floaty. A bit hazy and easily confused too! I'm focusing on the happy buzz while it last. Over and out!

Feeling a Bit Touchy

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Sun, 10 May 2009 12:07:00 +0000

I had another fabulous night at SinCity tonight. The theme was medical fetish, so I wrapped a bandage around my head and put fake blood on the bandage to look like a head trauma patient. I took the cane to use as a prop, but wound up ditching it because it was getting in the way. It's really great to go from needing a cane all the time to using it as a prop!

I got to dance a lot tonight, and didn't really feel much pain. I got to do some hot dirty dancing with my friend SoccerGirl, and made out with her later. My friend, male, who was watching us intently (I wonder why ;P) pointed out later that my movements are much less stiff when I'm making out with someone. I concur. I get much stronger and more flexible during sex. It's all the endorphins and oxytocin, plus added motivation to move.

Guys still keep touching me without asking when I'm out at nightclubs. I've concluded two things. The first is that I simply do not get heterosexual meat market culture. The second is that I'm really paranoid when people I do not know touch me, especially men. This wasn't always a problem for me. I used to be fine with it, until guys started using casual light touching to segue into a grope. Now that almost always happens when guys touch me casually. So I don't like being touched if I don't know you. It's hard to deal with in a nightclub, because asking someone not to touch your shoulder or arm is rather...excessive, I think. And yet, if I let them, they're almost guaranteed to then put their arm around me and grope something. So I try to extricate myself ASAP. As for guys who do touch me in a place I don't like, their hand just gets pushed away and they're told not to touch me.

I don't understand why this is acceptable. I don't understand why other women are seemingly OK with it, unless they're too scared to speak up. I know that happens frequently. Is it part of straight nightclub culture? Why don't guys understand my signals when I pull away and step back? *sigh*

Interestingly, a girl did the whole putting the hand on the small of my back thing to pass by me on the dance floor. I allowed it to see how I'd feel. It wasn't as bad as it would be if a guy had done it, because the element of danger was removed, but I still wasn't keen on it. I just don't like people daring to take the liberty of touching my body without asking, goddammit. How dare they? Why doesn't my body get to be my own anymore? When did it become public property, for everyone's use? This is triggering my PTSD somewhat, but in a good way. I'm very, very angry at all the people who have ever touched me without permission, and I'm really glad I'm getting better at dealing with it. Go me.

Sex Wreckage

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Sun, 10 May 2009 01:15:00 +0000

Last night after sex with the boy, my floor was covered in clothing, condoms and one broken lamp.

Obviously, it was a good night. ;)

Pills and Progress

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Mon, 04 May 2009 19:47:00 +0000

Yesterday I graduated to a much shorter pill stack, and I'm thrilled. In my purse I carry this pill divider that is basically a cylinder with a series of tiered containers. It looks rather like this. When I first bought it, I filled all 7 tiers to the brim with medications. That was, I believe, in November. Yesterday I was refilling the stacks and somehow only wound up stacking four. I've managed to cut back on my meds dramatically! Every little sign of progress is incredibly heartening.

Some other notable improvements; I hardly ever use my canes to walk anymore, I finally found some medications that control my fibromyalgia, I have far fewer migraines, I eat waay better now, I use way less "as needed" meds like Ativan and Tylenol 3, I'm exercising regularily, I'm in decent shape from physio, and I've lost 35 lbs since last fall. I'm a freaking size 5! I haven't been a size 5 since high school. Many of my skinny clothes are loose on me now.

Progress rocks. Sometimes my health will hit a plateau where it doesn't get any better or worse, and that makes me crazy. I always want to feel better, be able to do more. Hell, I was like that *before* the disabilities, always pushing my body to do better. It frustrates me to work and work and see no visible improvement for a really long time. I hit a plateau from January - April this year, and am finally starting to climb up again. It's exciting!

Second Failed Twitter Post

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 04:45:00 +0000

Home from SinCity. A girl I've been lusting after for a while grabbed me and made out with me in the girl's room, then walked off into the crowd. I love it when what I want falls into my lap, nearly literally in this case, as she was a bit tipsy. She is an incredibly passionate kisser. I need to get her phone number. Fortunately, a good friend of mine is dating her, so not a problem.

At the end of the night, my friend got handed a bunch of helium balloons. I was wistfully envious, and he's a red-blooded guy, so he gave them to me. They're clipped to my fridge with a magnet. I love balloons.

I got to spend time with several people I care about tonight. A happy night indeed.

Twittering and Tittering

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 18:47:00 +0000

I've set up a Twitter account and plan to add the feed here as soon as I figure out how. I think tweeting will help me keep folks better up-to-date. It's also a great helper for writing short blog posts. Typing in the little box with restricted character usage makes you pick your words very carefully. Might want to look into it, Ms. Pet. Of course, it took me two whole days to figure out why the submit button wouldn't work. :) Over-verbose? Me?

So here's my first tragically failed Twitter post from April 24th.

I'm finally making a proper twitter post. Tonight at a party, I actually caught a falling strawberry with my cleavage. I can't normally catch *anything*. It's clear that my breasts are far more agile than my hands.

My friends in university had this game where they'd try to throw Skittles down my cleavage. Their aim was also surprisingly accurate. Proof of my theory that breasts are magical.

An additional note: an acquaintance informed me that it was the hottest thing ever. Says him, "OMG, hottest thing ever. You lifted it to your lips, rubbed them a little with the strawberry, and then dropped it right between your breasts. HAWT."

Grins. What do you expect? Breasts are magical and I'm a witch.

Wished we'd caught it on film.

Poking My Head Out of My Shell

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 18:26:00 +0000

I really miss blogging. I think I'm coming back. I wasn't blogging because A) From June 2008 - April 1st 2009 I was in perpetual crisis and all my energy went towards hanging on to hope and climbing up to zero B) my fibromyalgia was very painful, and typing really made my arms flare up. It still does, actually, so I have to be very moderate in my Internet activities. *takes break from typing* See? Tired already.

So if I can make this a regular thing again, my blog posts are going to be much shorter and to the point. No more long-winded introspective posts every day! I think being forced into succintness is really a good thing for me. I use too many words anyway. It will also help me organize my thoughts better.

The other change I want to make will make you laugh. I want to be freer to open up and express myself. My regular readers are probably pop-eyed and exclaiming, "How is that possible?" Well, I've frequently censored myself or not shared something because I felt it was TMI or would upset people. I'm throwing that out the window. Sexuality and kink is a huge part of who I am, and why shouldn't I talk about it at length?

I've going to vary all of the topics I talk about, actually. My disability is, of course, one of the core parts of who I am, but it's not all of me. I want to focus on sharing the whole Zephyr experience with you all.

I'm glad to be back! Sexy posts on the way.

I Can Haz Range of Motion?

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 22:50:00 +0000

Today I finished my physiotherapy program, which makes me both sad and relieved. Sad, because I like physio and it does me a lot of good. Relieved, because I have way more free time now. I'm elated about the results I've acheived from the program though. My physiotherapist measured my range of motion in my hips and knees, and did strength tests today. I've gained significant increases in range and strength! I even have more range in my knees, which is amazing. My knee range hasn't changed since I was a little girl. I love my physiotherapist. I gave her a hug before I left and thanked her. Her parting words were a nice kick in the butt. "Don't forget to keep pushing yourself through the fibromyalgia. Exercise will make it better. Don't let the fibromyalgia win!" It's true, although one has to be careful to get the right exercise in the right amounts with fibro, or it actually makes things worse. I think I just need to get better sleep so I can heal from the exercise I do, personally. My sleep cycle sucks.

I needed that. I was very much having a bad week and feeling burnt out and sorry for myself. Seeing physical progress reminds me that there are some really positive changes happening for me. Sometimes I lose sight of that when things pile up on me.

Gotta go to acupuncture.

This is Getting Ridiculous

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 09:25:00 +0000

Tonight at Rascals I discovered quite accidentally that breasts have the power to take me out of a black rage. I never cease to be amazed by all the wonderful things that breasts can do. Upon pointing this out to my friends, I suddenly had one woman rubbing breasts against my back and the other shoving my face between her corsetted tits.

I must have some really amazing karma points saved up somewhere.

On the subject of the black rage - tonight I was in severe pain and fibro fog, and got lost between the bus stop and the party venue. This doesn't really sound so terrible, except for this - it was kitty corner from a house I lived in FOR TWO FUCKING YEARS!!!! And the venue is a place I've been to dozens and dozens of times before, I've gotten dropped off at the bus stop hundreds of times, and oh yeah, it's across the street from I place I lived in for two goddamn years. The next person who tells me that my cognitive malfunctioning isn't that severe and can be easily fixed, or suggests I'm using my fibromyalgia as an excuse for not paying attention, is getting a swift kick in the head.

All right, now that I've gotten that out, I'm going back to thinking of the wonderful breasts I had rubbed against me. Night!

The Other Foot

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 02:28:00 +0000

I know I don't post near enough on this blog. I'm always either too sick, stressed or busy, and the fibromyalgia makes typing hurt. I'm hyperfocused on my health right now. I used to joke that taking care of my health was a full-time job, and now I really do put in at least part-time hours. It's exhausting but rewarding. But it means no energy for things like blogging. :( I'm sure when I start to get really strong, I'll be back more frequently.

Anyway, I saw my surgeon yesterday and we're doing the other foot! It's not an ankle replacement, he's fusing the talonavicular joint to the subtalar joint. I'll be in less pain, have no damage to the rest of my foot, and won't lose any range of motion. In other words, I'll be absolutely wonderful. I'm so excited. We might do it as early as April. Ever since I left rehab in the fall I've been wishing I could go back. I wasn't ready to leave and didn't feel like I was really strong enough to be returning to the community. I've done well nevertheless but it has been *brutally* difficult and stressful. I'm gonna convince them to let me stay as long as possible.

Yay!

Housebound and Stir-Crazy

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 06:49:00 +0000

I've been a partial shut-in for a month now because of this stupid snow. My choices are 1) go out walking in it, which makes the fibromyalgia flare badly 2) take Handydart, which costs more money here in Coquitlam and takes forever to book or 3) stay in. Now that the snow is mostly melted, you'd think I'd be able to go out in the wheelchair fine, but the stupid gas station on the corner won't shovel their sidewalks, including the eastbound busstop, so I'm forced to huff it on foot. I was doing really well before the snow, and now I'm in pain all the time from having to walk everywhere. I've called the city here, but the city of Coquitlam is the worst ever for inefficient bureaucracy, it seems. Having a wheelchair makes my life ten times better, but only if I can actually get to use it in the city.

Gawd, Vancouver has problems but they're not this bad. Every time I've called the city of Coquitlam for help with something, which has been 3 times to the present date, I've gotten nowhere. I'm starting to hate the 'burbs.

Presents for Meeee!

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 07:11:00 +0000

Man, today feels like Christmas to me. I've gotten so many gifts today! It's not my birthday or anything! First a package came in the mail from my mother. I haven't opened it yet, as I suspect it's for Christmas. Then a huge food hamper arrived for me. I went out to physio, and when I returned, Lil D had a USB ethernet card for me that she and a friend had chipped in on, and big warm blankets from that said friend. Then my..dunno what to call him, submissive gentleman friend? Anyway, he came over with a PVC coat, two pairs of pirate boots, and a pair of biker-type boots for me. He's a PVC worshipper, so we did a worship scene afterwards, which was all kinds of fun.

At one part in our scene, I had to go to the kitchen for a migraine med, as I had a slight migraine going on. While out in the hallway, our friend who lives downstairs briefly chatted with me on the stairs. I love that here I was, dressed in head-to-toe slutty PVC and he doesn't even seem to notice, like I was just wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I love that this is my normal.

Driving a wheelchair is both hilarious and frustrating. I have lots of comical mishaps that crack me up. I'm currently lobbying Translink and the city's engineering department to make my nearest bus stop wheelchair accessible, and to put curb cuts in my neighborhood. Gawd, red tape and bureaocracy makes me crazy. But at least I'm getting a crash course in Assertiveness 101 and Dealing with Bureaocrats. There's an art to it, I'm discovering. You have to speak their language, in other words, pretend to be upper middle-class to rich, educated, and always able to say and do the right thing in social situations. It's a lot of work! Fortunately, I have some skills in the last two, so I can fake it until I learn the lingo and the customs of these strange people we call bureauocrats. I feel like an anthropologists some days.

I'm Not Really Doing So Well - Vent and Rant Mode On

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 13:46:00 +0000

I was talking to a friend on the phone tonight and he was concerned because I posted on one of my email lists that I was feeling under the weather. I told him that I was doing OK and needed to rest to keep myself from heading into a big health slump. I'm not so sure I'm not there already. It's 5:49 AM and I haven't slept yet. I've been in bed since 9 PM. Last night I went to bed at 1 AM and didn't fall asleep until 7 AM. As I take medications to help me fall asleep, this is worrisome. Tonight I even made some sleepy tea with skullcap, nettles, passion flowers and linden and it made me drowsy for a bit, but I didn't sleep at all.

It's the pain that's keeping me awake. I spent three days cleaning and doing chores to get the house ready for the new roomie, and it sent the fibromyalgia into a huge flare. Now the pain is keeping me up nights and neither codeine or oxycodone or even marijuana is helping with it. To boot, the narcotics are making me throw up and have stomach cramps, and are adding to the insomnia. And the insomnia is making the fibromyalgia pain worse! I'm heading into a bad downward spiral and I don't know how to reverse it. A good night's sleep would help! I'm dog tired and yet I can't fall asleep. It's disgusting. A massage or a day in a hot tub would help too, I suppose. Anyone wanna massage me in their hot tub? :D

My food intolerances are way out of whack. Almost everything I eat makes me sick nowadays. It's probably because every godamn commercial food on the market seems to have milk in it, and milk does very bad things to my system these days. I suspect the whole year I spent in bed with a migraine was mostly due to lactose intolerance, sadly, because I drank tea with milk every day.

My immune system is SOO stressed out. I've had infections just one after the other in the last month. First bronchitis, than a UTI, then yeast, and now the psoriasis on my scalp is flaring up...and I haven't had the psoriasis flare in 5 years, and not this badly in about 8 or so. Not good.

It's so depressing, because right before the move my health was on the mend and things were moving up. I was having rope bondage wrestling sessions! And now my torso hurts so much that reading in bed makes my pectorals and arms stiff and sore.

It's not all bad. Thanks to my amazing physiotherapist, I am now bendy and mobile in ways I haven't been in years. Everyone's remarking on it. I'm pissed that everything else in my life is interfering with physio. I've been forced to miss about three appointments and now I have to cut down to two sessions a week instead of 4. And I was doing lots of exercises every day and now it's a struggle just to do basic range of motion because my muscles hurt so damn much. When you're not sleeping and running yourself ragged, you don't get a chance to heal and your muscle fibers get torn and hurt like fuck. That makes further exercise not a great idea. If I could just get some sleep and rest I could go back to my daily physio regimen and 4 weekly appointments, but I'm too stressed and sick to sleep.

A month or so ago most of my fantasies revolved around the nasty things I was planning to do to some boys I know, and you know what I fantasize about these days? Going back to GF Strong so I can get some sleep and more physio and navigate an environment that's designed for wheelchair users. Isn't that sad, that being in the hospital was a vacation for me? I miss it! Everthing I needed was available, I always had help when I needed it right away, there were great staff and patients, and good recreation programs...I know I'll get over it when being out and about gets easier, but being post-op is always a bitch, especially with fibromyalgia and moving.

I haven't had a chance to talk here on the blog about my new wheelchair. It's a Quantum 6000-Z, it's black and red, and it's making my life so much better. However, it is also a huge life adjustment and a big-time stressor. FYI, I don't need to use it all the time, I use it out in public to get from building to building to save myself from having to walk a lot and carry things. It's really more of a pain and fatigue prevention device for me, and it's fabulous. I can only walk 1 or 2 short blocks at a time comfortably, and even carrying my purse is hard on my shoulders - and I don't even overload it like most girls. You can imagine how hard it is for me, getting around the city on foot and shopping in the Vancouver rain without the chair! Not fun. I used to only be able to do one errand or appointment a day, two max. Now I can do anywhere from 1 to 6 depending on my energy level. That is an incredible improvement!

The downside is, even in a very accessible city like Vancouver, the world is not created for wheelchair users, especially people with weak upper body strength. The first week I drove it out in the wide world I burst into tears pretty much every day because I couldn't figure out how to do something basic, like get through a door. I've gotten much better at figuring things out, and am even turning into an OK driver, but it's a constant challenge and guess what? There are no driving schools for new wheelchair users! There's so much you have to figure out, on the spot, or else wait for a TAB to come along and help, which is endlessly humiliating. There are so many doors that are too heavy for me to open. There are so many times you have to change directions because you realize there's no curb cut in front of you. There are quite a few times I've almost been hit by a car because the driver wasn't watching where they were going.

And the transit system - I'm eternally grateful that all buses are now accessible in Vancouver, but I wish TABS would get with the program and let people in wheelchairs on first instead of last! It makes it way easier for everyone, and makes me less likely to run over their toes! And why the hell are the seatbelts on the floor where I can't reach them to buckle myself in? It would save a lot of time and trouble for the driver - I realize not everyone CAN buckle themselves in, but some of us would prefer to do it ourselves. And what the hell is up with the weird release thingies? Even the bus drivers have trouble with them!

A few weeks ago I was waiting for the 143 and a bus driver refused to let me on because the bus stop I was waiting at 'wasn't a designated wheelchair stop.' I blinked at him and he told me it 'wasn't accessible.' I countered that there was plenty of room on the sidewalk for me to get onto the ramp, and there was a wall behind the sidewalk. It was completely safe! When pressed further, he pointed out that the sign didn't have a little blue wheelchair painted on it, so he wasn't obligated to pick me up. In all the time he took to explain that to me, he could have loaded me on the freaking bus. Can you believe that? When Lil D and I called Translink about it, they told us they could make the stop accessible for me - in a month! It takes a whole month to paint a little blue wheelchair thingie on a sign!

There are days when I'm so beaten down by being marginalized and patronized that I don't even have the energy to fight it or protest it. You're just so tired, from the poor treatment, and the disabilities themselves. The other day I had an old lady patting my head, which no one ever does to TABS, and I was so exhaused I didn't tell her to quit it. Yeah, so she was invading my space, but an elevator ride takes 3 seconds and explaining disability rights to old ladies takes forever. You have to pick your battles. Plus I was distracted because the elevator had an 'Out of Order' sign on it, and I was upset because I thought it meant I had to go to another skytrain, but then a bus driver came along and told me it was for maintenence and let us in the elevator with a key, and the head-patting occurred while we were talking. Grrrr! Don't pat my fucking head, and don't talk to me when I'm talking to a skytrain worker already. I don't care if you like my pretty braids, lady! I'm not a little girl, not even an ageplay little girl anymore. Only ScratchDaddy was ever allowed to pat my head. Oh, and the hot domme I did Mommy Play with once. Anyway....

My doctor is making me crazy too. My GP is a fucking moron who treats me like a hypochondriac and doesn't do his job. He takes months to refer me to a specialist, patronizes me, insults me, and is very content to let things go undiagnosed, like the migraines that kept me in bed for a year. If it wasn't for a doctor at a walk-in clinic, I wouldn't have gotten referred to a neurologist at all, because my GP called my migraines 'tension headaches'. What an idiot. On the flip side, when I told him I thought I had a UTI he just wrote me a prescription without even asking me my symptoms, let alone running a test! The only reason I've kept him is because the other GPs that were taking new patients only wanted pregnant women. Oh, and because he prescribes narcotics. It's hard to find walk-in clinics that prescribe a lot of the meds I need. I hate that about Vancouver. Not all of us on heavy-duty drugs are junkies. Some of us are actually SICK and need them.

The fibromyalgia, drugs and stress are eating my brains. I'm having debilitating issues with memory, concentration, navigation, spatial perception, and comprehension. It's like having ADD, dyslexia, and Alzheimer's all at once. It's really overwhelming and scary sometimes, like when you're at an intersection you've been at a dozen times before, and you spin around and around and around, but you just can't figure out which way north is. And then once you find out, you forget two seconds later! During the first week of the move, it really was that bad for me. It's fortunately gotten better since then, but it's still not great.

I don't comprehend everything friends say to me, and have to ask them to repeat themselves several times, which they find annoying. I've also had some whacky situations because I misunderstood or misquoted something. If I don't write things down, there's a very good chance I won't remember them, so I keep pens, paper and my phone always at hand. It's very bad, having such cognitive problems when I have so many things to do - but of course, having so much on my plate is contributing to the cognitive malfunction.

I've been a bit silly lately. Being a new wheelchair user, I either need a lot more help, or it gets offered, and often thrust upon me, whether I need it or not. Not a day goes by when I don't need to ask somebody for help with something, and some days I have to ask for quite a bit of help. It really, REALLY gets to me. Do you have any idea how aggravating it is to have to ask everyone around you for help all the time, and not always be sure you'll get help when you need it, even if you desperately need it? Honestly, I have always found it to be absolutely fucking inconvenient and downright humilating sometimes. I don't know if that's a PC way to feel about it, but that's the way it is.

So lately I've actually been able to do a lot more things for myself due to my improved mobility. I got carried away and decided that since I was now so much more capable, I wasn't going to ask for help with stuff unless I absolutely COULD NOT do it myself. You can see where this is going. Stuff piled up real fast and got out of control and I realized that even if I COULD do all that stuff alone, it was far more efficient and better for my health and relationships if I actually asked for some damned help already. So I did. It was embarassing but I did it.

Part of that was posting here that I was a bit overwhelmed with moving stuff and could use help with home set-up stuff, and asking if anyone had a spare router they didn't need. It was really hard for me to post that, especially after so many people helped me with the eviction and the move. I felt bad asking for more help after all that. It was hard to reach out but I did it. And then some girl who doesn't even know me writes in my comments that I'm 'needy' and don't give back! What a blow.

I know it's not true, I know I've contributed LOTS to my community, but who needs to hear that? She doesn't know me, she doesn't know what I do for other people, what contributions I've made to the community - 5 years of regular volunteering for BDSM events, incidentally, even dragging my ass out of rehab for a whole weekend to attend a refresher training with a killer migraine. Also, being High Priestess of a coven and volunteering for the Pagan community whenever possible. My contributions do not always match that of TABS in quantity, but I know that what I've given has often been great in quality.

If she's been reading for a while, she DOES know that in the last year I've been through two major breakups, an ankle replacement, an eviction while recovering from said surgery, an infestation of my premesis, potential homelessless, being transient for months, a huge move, being very sick most of the time, being diagnosed with fibromyalgia and learning to deal with it, and being a new wheelchair user. Basically, going through the kind of cluster stress that causes heart attacks. Who the hell wouldn't need extra help after all that? If you took out the disability stuff, most TABS would go nuts! Where does she get off judging me? Where does anyone get off judging me for asking for help? It's not my fucking fault I'm sick, and that the world isn't set up for people like me, which forces me to ask for more help than TABS.

I don't usually get this defensive with trolls - I usually ignore them - but this rant has been building up since I was six. 24 years of being made to feel like hell for needing extra help will do that to you.

Oh, and people who stigmatize HSV-2 carriers are assholes. A recent thread on Fetlife has been very interesting and in many ways very distressing. I wish people would do their homework and stop having knee-jerk panic reactions to genital HSV-2 carriers.

OK, I think rant and vent mode is off now. I'm good for now. I wanted to let people know WHY I need the extra help, and I needed to express my views about the subject in general.

I still want to do the naughty things to the boys. I think maybe it's time to combine service dominance with play dominance...or do them consecutively perhaps. Find a way to get extra help AND have sexy fun...and spent time with great people.

I know things will improve if I just persevere - and get some damned rest. And I need a vacation already. I don't really celebrate Christmas, but I'm looking forward to it because it's a week of no medical appointments, no bureaucratic phone (tag)calls, school, etc. In other words, a bit of a vacation. I really need to plan something of a vacation for myself, I think, even if it's just vegging and watching movies and stuff. I deserve it.

Moving the Roomie Update

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 08:35:00 +0000

The roomie decided to move in tomorrow instead of today, but we got everything done that we needed to do to prepare for her arrival tomorrow. Jaoman, wrye and howitzer came over and helped moved things around and assemble stuff, and do general strong-guy stuff. Yulianna and her boyfriend got the bed over here and set up. Lil D got her captain's bed set up thanks to her pals and jaoman and howitzer, and now her stuff can be unpacked. I got the solarium cleaned out competeley and all my things into storage. Thank you so much guys! You were absolutely invaluable. You all rawk. :)

FYI - Why I Post Asking For Help Sometimes

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 07:10:00 +0000

A nasty little troll pointed out that I hardly ever post on my blogs these days except to ask for help. I told her to shove it - that I have a lot on my plate, and that my friends are always telling me when I need help, I should ask for it instead of suffering and struggling to do things on my own. I actually don't ask for help ENOUGH as it is!

Anyway, the reasons I'm not posting much are:

1) I'm incredibly busy with post-rehab - I do physio twice a week, an hour with my physiotherapist, and then an hour in the pool. I also go to my gp or the clinic several times a week, and to the pharmacy. Thanks to the ankle replacement, my multiple health issues, and the stress of the past 6 months, I'm getting sick quite a bit and keeping on top of my health is an almost daily job. I'm going out of the house to do medical stuff almost every day. If I didn't stay so vigilant, I'd be falling apart at the seams. That I'm not a mess is an incredibly testament to my perserverance and unrelenting hope right now. You don't need to worry about me - it's not huge stuff, but in the past month I've dealt with the flu, bronchitis, a urinary tract infection and I suspect minor bladder infection, and I'm having a small fibro flare. I've dealt with far worse than this, but if I don't stay on top of it, it can spiral downhill really fast. So yeah, I don't really have time or energy to post about it all.

2) Every spare moment I'm home is spent unpacking, cleaning, making phone calls, organizing things, consulting with the roomie, studying, making neccessary emails. I don't really get to do social calls or emails much these days unless people contact me, and then I have to keep it brief. As it is I have a huge pile of unanswered emails. I'm sorry if I haven't responded to any email anyone has sent me - and I will get back to you, I swear! I've had to cut back on socializing and BDSM stuff drastically to keep up with medical stuff and home-making stuff, which is hard on my mental health, but it has to be done to keep the other parts of my life in balance. Them's the breaks.

3) My to-do list is longer than my arm, and every time I knock something off of it, I have to add something else to it. Many of the things on the list I can't even do myself. I either need manpower, money, or tools I don't have...or I need someone to call me, or email me, or bring something over, etc, to get the thing done. I'm up to my eyeballs in things to do. Moving into a new place is very stressful and busy, especially when it's a house on a property. It's not like living in an apartment building where the super can do anything that needs to be done.

4) The owner of the house is lovely, but he doesn't know much about building or fixing things, and everything he touches seems to break. So we have a bunch of major things that don't work or need to be fixed up, like the garage door, the washer and dryer, the fireplace, the hot water tank, the gas heater, the cable wiring system, the fridge, the yard, etc, etc. Again, money, manpower and tools are needed for this, which I don't have, so getting these things done takes a lot of innovation, help from friends and organizing..and TIME. We've pretty much decided not to have the owner fix anything from here on out, because he messes everything up, so we're on our own with home repairs and such.

5) When I'm not going crazy trying to do the aforementioned thing, I'm busy resting. If I don't get enough rest, I can't recover from all the exertion and stress, and if that happens, I'll get really sick and wind up in the hospital, or worse, get really sick and the hospital won't have room for me as seems to be par for the course here in BC these days.

The bitchy little troll who posted that comment has no idea what it's like to try to fix up a new house you just moved into when you're two chicks on disability who both have a list of diagnoses as long as your arm, especially when we both have several auto-immune disorders that are exascerbated by stress. She can SOO go to hell. Normally, I wouldn't post about this and feed the trolls, but it needs to be said. Of course we're asking our friends for help! Even able-bodied people would be doing the same. I'm asking for help on my blogs because then all my friends get to read it and it's easier than calling or emailing them all one by one!

There's an old term called barn-raising, and that's essentially what I'm trying to do. In the old days, if someone in a village needed a barn built, they'd ask people in the village to come over with tools and help them build the barn, or 'raise the barn'. That's what these blog-posts are for. I'm trying to raise my barn, or get my house in order, so I can have Rope 'n' Grope, and events, and parties, and have friends over. People keep asking me, 'when will Rope 'n' Grope start again' and I want to tell them I can start it right away...but the truth is, it can start as soon as my home is in order, and I need help to do that.

I'm saying this now, and it'll sound harsh; if you feel the same way 'Tia' does, that all I ever do is ask for help, and that you don't think I'm worth it, or give back enough, or that you just find it annoying...kindly remove yourself from my friend or email lists, don't read my blog, and don't bother to talk to me ever again. I've been putting up with that kind of shit since I was diagnosed with JRA at six and I don't need it in my life anymore.

My best friends keep getting mad at me for not asking for help often enough, or for not asking for it soon enough, and waiting too long for it. That is not a noble trait, that is a flaw I have to fix. I am NOT needy, do not give me shit about playing any sympathy cards..because if I don't get the help I need from my friends and community, I CAN'T do anything for anyone else...I can't be there for friends, can't have them come over and hang out, can't host Rope 'n' Grope, can't counsel them when they need me, can't do anything but try to keep my head above water while swimming against an upstream current. I didn't ask for a body that doesn't work and a brain that often malfunctions because of fibromyalgia and drugs, OK? I'm dealing with it the best I can....and that means I need a lot of help. If you don't like that, then don't bother talking to me. I don't need your hostility. You haven't walked a block in my shoes with my canes, so don't give me your shit. Move along.

Need a Wireless Adapter Compatible with Windows Vista and Dell

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 19:51:00 +0000

Howdy y'all.

My roommate Lil D has tried for a month to get me on our wireless network here at home. We have Shaw, incidentally. She's set up on the wireless network just fine. She installed a D-link wireless adapter in my computer, which is a Dell 2.4 ghz computer with Vista. She's tried installing and reinstalling the drivers three times for the card. Nada. I've tried troubleshooting with several very tech-savvy people, including a friend who does internet tech-support for a living. Nothing. It appears that the card is incompatible with Vista. What I need is a wireless adapter that is compatible with Vista, because the card and Vista are not communicating. I have wires strung across the solarium and it's so not safe and highly unsightly. So, I thought I'd throw it out there to see if anyone I know has one lying around they're not using and can donate to a worthy person. :D

Stressed Out With Moving and Requesting Help Again [

noreply@blogger.com (Zephyr) — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 05:48:00 +0000

Our new roommate is moving in tomorrow. We have a bed for her, but it's at someone elses' house, and we have no way to get it here. We're needing someone with a truck or van to help us get it over here. Lil D also needs help to get her captain's bed together - she basically needs a couple of strong people with power tools, including an electric drill. Without having her bed together, she can't unpack because she needs the shelving space, and if she can't unpack, she can't get her stuff out of the new roommate's room, and the new roommate can't move her stuff into the new room. We also need to get a desk moved into the new roomie's room, and some things moved around down in the garage for storage, so we can make room for all the new stuff.

Most of this stuff isn't all that hard, but the two of us just can't do it alone, so I'm reaching out to my friends for help, like many of you have told me I should do. There are some other things that we will also be needing help with in the future in order to get the new house set up and working properly. The great thing is, once it's done, we can rest and enjoy it and have Rope 'n' Grope and parties and whatnot. :)

If you think you can drop by and help out tomorrow, or anytime in the near future, please do let me know. Most of you have my cell, if not, email me. Pmail is giddyzephyr@yahoo.com.