Straight From The Heart

The Raven

2013-06-17T00:22:00.003+05:30

She saw him, perched on the tree outside her bedroom window. His dark non-reflective eyes stared straight at her and that gave her an eerie feeling. She stared back at him, hoping he would look away and fly off for good, but he did not move, nor did he turn his gaze. Suddenly, the non-reflective eyes began changing to reflective and within the depths of the now reflective dark eyes she saw something that scared her.

For a while she thought she had imagined it but he did it again, the raven tilted his head again continuing to stare at her as if beckoning her and then all of a sudden it spread its wings and flew off the tree, circling near her house, waiting for her to follow.

She fell on the floor, unconscious and her soul surged forward and followed the Raven flying high into the night sky.

Hours later she woke up in her room with severe headache. She pressed her fingers on the temples and cursed. A sudden wave of fear washed through her body and with speed she did not know she was capable of, she rushed to the bathroom and vomited in the commode. She fell back on her knees and waited for another wave of nausea but it did not come. Thankfully the headache was gone. She stood up and walked to the basin to wash her face and froze. The reflection in the mirror scared her. A totally different person stared back.

He could not believe his eyes. He did not know what was happening. He remembered seeing a raven perched on the tree outside his bedroom window. The non-reflective eyes staring at him and then non-reflectiveness being replaced by reflective one! He had clearly seen a face staring back at him from inside the reflective pupil of the raven. She had beautiful dark brown eyes which stared at him, a mischievous smile playing on the lips. It seemed she wanted to say something to him but before he could know what was happening he had collapsed on the floor.

Now, when he woke up, he had severe headache and he had rushed to the bathroom to vomit in the commode and then wash his face only to see the same girl with beautiful eyes staring back at him, the mischievous smile replaced by fear and shock.

teddy & red roses

2013-06-15T00:45:00.001+05:30

a teddy and a bouquet of red roses, in hand

palms sweating, heart racing,

he walked up to the front door

hesitated and rang the bell.

it's him, he heard a voice

and group giggling after a while.

beads of sweat appeared on his forehead

he wiped them with back of his hand.

the door opened and

before him stood the girl he had come to meet

her face radiant and an ear-to-ear smile

mesmerized, he stood at the door without saying a word

and group of girls giggled from inside the living room.

the girl asked her friends to shut up

and pointing to the teddy and red roses,

to the man she asked, are these for me?

of course they are for you, he said.

and the girl took the gifts from him.

he stood at the door and watched the girl

he had seen her photo -

but was meeting her for the first time.

come in, the girl shouted from inside

he stepped in the house -

to come face to face with a group of girls

they stared at him as if he was an alien

and, he felt like one, until -

the girl took his hand in hers

and to her friends she said -

"meet my papa, doesn't he look handsome in uniform?"

and the girls giggled again.

he'd never been a part of her life,

but she'd made him a part of hers

her mother, it seems, had told her stories

of how her daddy fought the bad guys.

tears gathered in his eyes

as he bent down to kiss the little girl

i love you, he said

i love you too, said she

and -

a woman standing amidst the group of girls, mouthed

thank you

she thanked the stranger for making her little girl smile

for being the fatherly figure in her daughter's life -

or rather what was left of it.

malignant thought

2013-06-13T23:34:00.000+05:30

in the darkest corners of the mind

lurks a thought, desperate.

often silent, but sometimes chaotic

its voice echoes in the head.

hear me, it says -

i belong to you, don't you let me die

feed me, let me survive -

for, in the times when no one cares,

i would.

i would keep you sane,

i would give you the strength to fight.

you have labelled me as negative -

and thrown me in the dungeons,

but believe me -

i am valuable, one day you would know,

when the world gives you pain

i will soothe your heart

and show you a path.

so says, the malignant thought,

its chaos, a constant headache.

i pull a pillow over my head and try to sleep

i visualize myself walking -

out from the recesses of my mind

not seeing the darkness that follows me out.

Love Song

2013-06-02T22:12:00.000+05:30

let's write a love song together

i will start a line and you finish it

you sing me your lines

i will sing mine

and the rain will play the music..

inspire me

make me feel again

what we once shared

help me believe in it again.

let's dance a slow dance

one step mine, next yours

arm in arm,

eye to eye

the thunderstorm the beat

rain, the melodious song.

With You

2013-05-27T01:18:00.001+05:30

To see you smile means a lot

But to know that you smile because of me, means a lot more.

To be with you makes me happy

But to know that you are with me, makes me happiest.

Holding your hand makes me feel safe

But you holding mine is the real security.

Walking besides you is a pleasure

Your footsteps next to mine is strength.

Looking into your eyes is passion

Seeing my reflection in them is divine.

if ever

2013-05-26T02:50:00.000+05:30

your smiling face is the reason for my living

your warm embrace is my heaven.

i sleep every night with it

and i wake up with it every morning

i carry it with me every moment

a single thought that matters the most

"you are here and would always be,

you will always care for me"

if ever i might not see the smiling face anymore

or feel the warmth of the embrace

let it be the end of the road -

the final destination.

if ever i am the reason for the smile to disappear

for the embrace to lose its warmth

let me face the wrath of hell, here on earth -

the curse of loneliness.

bleeding words

2013-05-22T01:38:00.000+05:30

torn to pieces,

lying scattered in the waste paper basket,

the yellowed pages of my diary -

bleed memories.

sitting alone in my room,

curtain closed, lights off -

room thrown into total darkness

i mourn the loss -

of words,

some rhyming some not,

of feelings,

some expressed some not,

of past,

part gone, part lingering on.

i stare at the torn pieces

and they stare back at me

they bleed memories

i bleed tears

we give each another silent company

as the color of blood spreads over the horizon

the darkness being killed by rays of the sun.

Crossroad 2 : The Other Side of The Coin

2013-05-15T00:55:00.000+05:30

Sequel to Crossroad

He loved her very much and it hurt him to see her sad. He wanted to do everything possible to make her happy. Vikrant had seen her walk out of the room, he had seen her restless for past many nights, he knew she was feeling let down. He tried telling her to have faith in him but she did not.

Vikrant got up from the bed and walked to the window. The window of their bedroom faced the street and as he looked out of the window, Vikrant saw her walking out of the gate for the second time. When she had walked out a couple of hours ago, he knew she had gone for a walk, just the way she preferred when she wanted to be alone and think. He very well knew what was bothering her, or so he thought.

Vikrant, a male in his late thirties, married for five years and three days, never believed he would reach a crossroad in his life, standing where and weighing his options was not as easy as his close friends suggested. Vikrant was surrounded by dozens of people every day, professional acquaintances, co-workers, assistants and a few colleagues who had crossed over from the professional side to the personal. He never liked to discuss his personal life with anyone, though. The so-called friends had access to limited information. If Vikrant’s mind was like a house, these friends had access only to the living room, while his close friends could access his personal study. Only one person had access to the den where his most troubled thoughts were thrown in for serious consideration. This particular issue was partly scattered over the personal study and partly hidden in the den. Though his close friends could see, understand, contemplate and give advice over the personal study part of the problem no living person could ever know what was hidden in the den.

Sangita was his wife; however, even she did not have access to the den. He kept that part to himself. He could never let anyone inside after ‘her’ death. Vikrant closed his eyes and a tear escaped from in between the closing eyelids. He let it finish its journey down towards his cheek, as a tribute to her memories. He was alone in the room and he did not mind letting out his vulnerable side momentarily. He had been doing this for past few months, switching his emotions off when amidst people and switching them on when alone. It seemed as if two individuals resided in his single body. The mask he wore when surrounded by people had started becoming his identity. Unfortunately, even his wife was falling for the façade he was putting up. He had expected more from her. But, he did not blame her, considering her state of mind. So many times, he had been tempted to tell her about what was troubling him but he could not gather enough courage to tell her that he loved someone else other than her. Vikrant opened his eyes and through his blurred vision he had seen Sangita entering. He had got into bed immediately and pretended to be asleep as Sangita entered the room. He opened his eyes and saw her walking towards the desk. He had almost decided to get up but when he saw that she was crying he continued watching her silently. The chaos of his own thoughts and the anguish of his wife assaulted his mind every waking moment and as a result of the frustration he often ended up doing things he regretted later. He was never the kind of husband to hit his wife but recently he had raised his hand over Sangita, in fact beat the shit out of her because she had asked him to get the fertility tests done. He wanted to tell her that he did not need the tests; he knew he was man enough to give her a child but unfortunately he could never be man enough to tell her what made him so sure of it. The night he had beat Sangita had been the worst night of his life! He knew that the sex he had with her that night had hurt Sangita but she did not know that it had hurt him too. Hurt him beyond repair. His attempt to find release from agonizing thoughts had pushed him further down into the throat of darkness. The next morning when he had looked at himself in the mirror he had failed to recognize the man he had become and without turning to look at Sangita he had walked out of the house, making up his mind that he would find a solution to the problem. He had to do it for being at peace with himself but more than that he had to do it for Sangita because despite everything, he loved her, loved her a lot. When he returned home in the evening he gifted her diamond necklace he had bought for her as an apology.

He loved her every moment of his life, he loved her when they made love and he loved her even when they had calculated sex to get her pregnant. He loved her enough to look at her for hours after she slept, he loved her so much that he could not bear to see the look of accusation in her eyes and hence for the past couple of months he rolled over to his side of the bed after finding his release and pretended to fall asleep only to turn around later and watch her as the worried expression of her face smoothed out as she fell asleep. When Sangita could not get pregnant after calculated sex for months, a thought had crossed his mind that perhaps Sangita had problem in conceiving but he had immediately brushed aside the thought and had made up his mind to give her yet another chance. He did not know about the pressure on her from his own parents. He confronted them when Sangita told him that his parents had suggested visiting a doctor. He had warned them not to pressurize Sangita and told them that if Sangita could never conceive he would accept it without any complaints. He was shocked and relieved at the same time when Sangita told him that she had been to the doctor and got the test done and the doctor believed she was in perfect condition to conceive.

Vikrant’s chain of thoughts had been interrupted when Sangita had got up from the chair and walked out of the house. Vikrant had got up from the bed and walked towards the window to watch her walk out of the gate.
Now, standing alone in the room, his attention turned towards the note Sangita had left for him. He picked up the note and started reading. Series of emotions raced through him as he read what she had written. Surprise, confusion, rage, grief, shock and finally betrayal assaulted his mind as he finished reading the note. He could not believe Sangita had once borne a child who was still alive and living with her relatives. Or was it jealousy? He thought. Was he really jealous of Sangita because her son was alive, and his son was dead?

Vikrant fell on his knees and started sobbing. For moments, he did not know the reason he cried. It was only after tears cleared his mind, that he realized the emotion which had brought out the tears was neither grief not betrayal, but it was shame. He was ashamed of himself, he was ashamed of being so weak, and he was ashamed of not being able to tell the truth to Sangita while she had enough strength to come out with the truth. Vikrant wiped his tears and got up. Walking out of the house he turned in the direction in which he had seen Sangita walk some time ago. After walking for a few minutes, he saw her sitting under a tree, her head resting on her knees. He took a deep breath and continued walking.

It was time to tell her about his first love and his dead child. It was time to relive the pain and even though he hated doing it, he was ready to go through it for Sangita’s sake. He had to tell her about the woman he loved and the time they spent together happily. It was the happiest moment of his life when she had told him the news of her pregnancy; however things turned ugly when one accident had killed the woman he loved the most and his unborn child, thus ruining his life and leaving him alone, miserable, heart-broken and bitter. He had almost ended his life that day, when fate brought him face to face with Sangita. She had changed his life for the better but he could never tell her about his past. He wanted her to know that he had finally stepped out of his past and was ready to walk into the future with her and her son, their son.

Truth

2013-05-11T22:08:00.002+05:30

the truth -

vulnerable

trampled upon

breathes shallow -

awaiting the moment,

when the lie -

would finally be stripped off -

it's colorful attractive attire

and would stand naked -

in the bright light of facts,

to be scrutinized and rightfully dealt with.

the truth -

continues to breathe,

hopes the end is near -

for it is in the end -

that the truth wins!

Gloomy Days

2013-05-02T20:58:00.000+05:30

I don't know whether it is the climate or just me but past few days, actually past couple of weeks I have been feeling very tired/lazy/bored/unenthusiastic most of the day. I am unable to write anything that would satisfy the writer in me. Currently I am reading a book and though it is good so far, I have read only 30 pages which in my normal mood would have been almost hundred. I think I will keep the book aside, I don't want to do injustice to it by reading it with this kind of mood. I love music but past few days I don't even feel like switching on the music system or listen to songs on my ipod. When I crash on my couch or bed I don't feel like getting up for hours..

I am fed up of this climate! To add to this gloom I have been getting refusal mails from publishers. Things are pretty boring right now but I hope it will turn around soon. I am waiting for the rainy season when my writing is usually at its peak. Sadly there is whole of May to go by.

Don't be surprised if you do not get to read anything new from me.

walking away

2013-04-30T06:24:00.002+05:30

doing it the only way she knew

showing him that she cared

she pulled him closer in an embrace

and kissed his hair.

he lay silent in her arms

his tears soaked by her shirt

hours they spend in embrace

without saying a word.

he looked up at her finally and smiled

she smiled too but hers did not reach the eyes

they both know it was time -

and they had no other choice.

his bags are ready, packed to go -

the neatly folded uniform, ready to be worn

shoes polished, set to take him away -

from her and towards the unknown.

she stands at the door as he walks away -

without turning back to look at her

she continues watching him -

until he disappears at the end of the road..

In short about The Shiva Triology

2013-04-28T19:59:00.003+05:30

Finally finished reading the shiva Triology. First of all I admire author's vast imagination and appreciate the efforts that goes in writing these books. Secondly, I must mention that I hated the way the book was split into three volumes. Instead of doing so why not make it one Big book? And, if it is too big to be made into one then edit it. Simple. Why make it end in typical Ekta Kapoor style (especially the first book) making the reader wonder "jaane kya hoga aage rama oops Shiva re!" If you are not going to read all three books, don't start reading. At some parts I was tempted to stop reading.

Another thing that disturbed me is the swearing, especially by Neelkanth.

Sati's character, I liked.

The Dance

2013-04-10T01:59:00.001+05:30

Love so powerful

Love so divine & pure

Concentrated it was, only

At a point beneath her left breast

Love devoid of bodily desires -

That's the kind of love she had, for him -

The one who was not meant to be loved,

But worshipped.

For her, no worship was complete without love

And love meant the highest worship.

She danced and sang -

Her heart calling out His name

His throne shook and His heart longed -

To be with her and play His flute.

They danced together -

The purest sensual dance,

The whole world watched -

As the Lord became the devotee

And the devotee merged with the lord.

Vicious Serpent

2013-03-24T01:14:00.001+05:30

the germ of negativity

creeps into my mind, uninvited

poisons the thoughts

destroys hope, joy and optimism

that selfish, vicious little serpent -

bites into every good memory.

mind writhes in pain,

struggles to free itself -

I twist and turn in bed;

sweat and scream.

Smile with me

2013-03-21T01:44:00.001+05:30

Smile with me..
let's rest.
close your eyes for a while
let go of the worries
smile with me.

let's walk
hand in hand
barefooted, in sand
miles stretched ahead of us.

let's not talk
let's just stare into each other's eyes
and, visualise a future together
You and me, forever.

let's sleep
close your eyes
feel the warmth of my embrace
dream - about us
and smile with me.

Short review of The Promise by Nikita Singh

2013-03-13T14:59:00.001+05:30

About the Book: The Promise

Author: Nikita Singh

Publisher: Grapevine (2012)

Some promises are worth keeping...

She smiles wide, and under it, hides pain she barely manages to endure. Her happiness brightens up the room, while inside, her heart drowns little by little.

Elusive, charismatic and incredibly rich, money is the one obsession he loves and hates in equal measure. He runs away from his past and the grief it brings with it.

She is capable of breaking down all his barriers, making his heart implore to give love and trust a second chance. Caught in the waves of alien emotions, a promise is made a promise to be together, to make their love last.

But when disaster hits, does their love prove strong enough to withstand the brutal force of reality? Or does the promise lay forgotten, as they struggle to regain balance of their lives?

About the Author

Nikita Singh an avid blogger and writer, is the author of three bestselling novels Love Facebook, Accidentally In Love and If It's Not Forever (co-authored with Durjoy Datta). She has also contributed in the books of The Backbenchers series.

With a library stocked with over twelve thousand books, she is a voracious reader and loves her collection of fantasy novels. She graduated in pharmacy and works as an editor at a leading publishing house.

My words:

Feelings hurt. Feelings wreck your world and turn it upside down. They hurt you beyond the amount you can endure. It becomes a blood bath in your head. So many emotions, so many sentiments - all of them storming your head, trying to drown you in grief.
~ Nikita Singh, The Promise.

Finished reading the book. It did not make me wonder "what would happen next?" but it did keep me interested enough to read the book late into the night (till 4:30 am) and pick it up to read while brushing my teeth.
Imagine a calm vast ocean and you are sailing through peacefully, suddenly you see a storm at a distance ... it's okay, you know you can sail through, it is just a rough patch - you think. But then, as you sail closer you are shocked by its magnitude!
The storm destroys everything and everyone around you but leaves you safe to watch and suffer and die each day.
This is - The Promise for you.
The stormy part of the story forces you to step into Shambhavi's shoes and undergo her emotions.

a frozen moment

2013-03-08T00:32:00.000+05:30

a frozen moment -

the picture of you and me

holding hands -

together for eternity.

sealed lips -

layer upon layer of secrets

fresh tears -

a layer painfully peeled.

a dried rose -

found amidst the words

yellowed diary -

witness of what could not be.

a frozen moment -

the picture of you and me

weathered with time -

our fates sealed for eternity.

Eyes

2013-03-04T05:55:00.001+05:30

bear with me -

as I remain silent.

and my eyes express -

the unspoken.

that which burdens the heart..

listen, if you can -

to the untold tales.

memories randomly picked up -

from the journal of life.

encrypted and stored in my eyes.

Moments (2)

2013-02-28T01:08:00.004+05:30

searching -

amidst the chaos,

for silence and peace,

even if it's only for a few minutes.

thoughts -

clouding the mind,

blurred vision,

the bottled up emotions flow.

tired body -

lays awake on the bed,

shadows on the ceiling,

giving company.

wet pillow -

heavy with burdens of mind,

the true companion,

of the moments no one knows.

Crossroad

2013-02-24T04:48:00.001+05:30

Click on play icon to listen to the audio of the post

Taking one slow step after another she reached the bungalow half an hour late than the time it usually took to reach. She did not want to be home with him. She needed the fresh air. She stood before the bungalow and wondered whether to enter or continue walking. Finally she made up her mind and turned around to walk away from the bungalow.

Sangita, a woman in her early-thirties, married for 5 years and three days, never believed she would reach a crossroad in her life, standing where and weighing her options was not as easy as her friends suggested. Sangita did not have many friends. The few friends she had were close to her and understood her well, sometimes better than she understood herself. But, not this time. This time none of her friends would possibly understand what she went through.

She took a different route this time. She shivered as the cool breeze of the night rushed past her, taking along with it a few dried leaves. She loved observing the minute details of night-life. The road she walked on gave her silent company during the lonely nights of her life. She did not sleep for hours even though Vikrant dozed off after finding his release. What they shared between them might have been romantic once, but now, after five years of marriage, the sex turned into efforts to reach a particular goal. Vikrant had always been calculative about a lot of things, even during their courtship period. What she found interesting then annoyed her now. She assumed his calculative nature to be about saving for future but now, she realized, this was the most annoying habit of his, which he would not change. They had enough to last for decades for the two of them since they did not have any children. Sangita’s in-laws suggested she visited a doctor to see why she cannot conceive and she took the tests even though she knew she was healthy and capable of conceiving. She visited her gynecologist who told her the same thing. She returned home with the reports and showed them to her in-laws and suggested they should talk to Vikrant about getting the tests done. But they did not have the courage to talk to him about it. Sangita tried talking to him and ended up wounded, both physically and mentally after the beatings and the frustrated sex he had with her to punish her. The next day he bought an expensive diamond necklace, which she stuffed into the locker. All these expensive gifts meant nothing to her.

For a couple of months, Vikrant noted the date of Sangita’s periods and calculated the ovulation time, targeting those days for having sex to achieve the goal. He never blamed Sangita for not being able to conceive and he expected the same from her. He believed they both were healthy and all they had to do, he said, was to time this perfectly. Sangita had given up hopes of conceiving but too scared to mention the tests to Vikrant, she participated in his calculative sex, though unenthusiastically.

Tired of walking, Sangita sat down on the pavement and buried her head in her hands. Tears dropped on the pavement and her vision blurred. The cool breeze blew once again and carried with it a piece of paper, which landed near Sangita’s feet. She wiped her tears and picked up the paper, which turned out to be an advertisement of Fertility clinic. Sangita tore the piece of paper and threw it away and started crying. This was the suggestion one of her friends gave her.

“I have a contact in a fertility clinic, someone who can help you find a suitable donor. You need not even talk to Vikrant about this. He will never find out. This person will take care of all the requirements. We will sign you with a false name.” Sangita’s friend suggested and Sangita refused saying that she did not want to cheat Vikrant, despite he being adamant about his capability to get her pregnant.

“Put up a fight. Force him to take the test. I know a police officer who can help you if Vikrant beats you again. We will fight for what is right!” Sangita’s another friend suggested. The same friend who beat his own wife as per what his wife told her.

“Adopt” yet another friend suggested. Ravi held her hand and comforted her. He understood what it felt like to not be a parent. His wife was unable to conceive and he accepted the fact and the couple decided to adopt even though his wife suggested the surrogate mother option.

How could she tell him adopting a child from orphanage seemed inappropriate to her when her own son grew up somewhere without her?

Sangita burst into sobs as memories attacked her mind.

Two years before her marriage to Vikrant, Sangita had become pregnant with Ravi’s child. They were just friends and never loved each other. They had been too drunk that night and one intercourse with Ravi made her pregnant while so many calculated ones with Vikrant failed to give desired results. They never talked about that night again. When Sangita’s parents learned about her pregnancy they sent her away to stay with her aunt where she delivered a baby boy who was immediately snatched away from her and she’d been forced to return back to her parents who decided to get her married to Vikrant. Sangita had abandoned her child and now life got back at her in its own way.

Sangita tried a couple of times to find the whereabouts of her son but in vain, until recently when her aunt, who was on her death-bed requested Sangita to meet her personally. She informed Sangita that one of her cousins was raising her son. Sangita could not resist the desire to meet the boy. She visited the given address and met the boy. Overwhelmed with motherly love she rushed to embrace her son, the moment she recognized him. Her cousin, annoyed by her action requested Sangita to leave.

Sangita stood up and started walking again. Burdened with memories, her head started to ache and her legs grew tired of walking. Unable to tolerate the pain in her knees, she sat down again, resting her head against the trunk of a tree and closed her eyes. She was only a few minutes away from her bungalow and she believed if she called up Vikrant on his cell-phone he would be kind enough to bring her back home. She knew he loved her a lot. The only problem was, he did not understand her. She finally decided to spend the night on the road since the neighborhood was safe enough. She tried to relax, forcing thoughts out of her mind. The cool breeze and the rustling of the leaves of the tree she rested her head against helped her to calm down and within a few minutes she was rejuvenated. She stood up and walked back home.

Opening the door with her keys, Sangita stepped in the dark house and tiptoed to her room. The door was slightly open, like she had left it. She walked in and closed the door behind her. Vikrant was asleep. She walked to the desk and took out a notepad from the drawer. She sat on the chair, switched on the desk lamp and started writing:

My heart was saying “Yes” but my head was saying “No”. Finally, heeding to my heart’s advice, I am writing this letter to you. I can write a lengthy letter and diplomatically arrive at the point I want to discuss or I can come straight to the point. I choose to do the latter.

We've been trying too hard to start a family. Despite knowing that I am capable of conceiving I went ahead and got the tests done for the sake of your parents. When it was time for you to get the tests done, you not only refused but punished me for asking you to go to the doctor. We both know the truth. You need to accept that no calculation is ever going to solve this problem for you. Talking about calculations, I have being doing it myself for the past few months. I have calculated the chances of success and the risk involved in doing something.

And, finally I found the solution today. This is it. This is how it is going to be. I need to tell you the truth, which I should have told you earlier. I have a son who is being raised by one of my cousins and I wish to adopt him.
“We” would raise him together if you love me enough to accept this part of my life.

She left the note on the desk and walked out of the room, into the silent night.

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda

Crossroad 2 : The Other Side of The Coin

Resemblance - The Journey of a Doppelganger

2013-02-23T19:44:00.000+05:30

Reviews:

When reading the novel Resemblance by Arti Honrao it soon turned into a nail-biter after the first few sentences. Many twists and turns in the story-line keep the reader completely engrossed making it hard to put the book aside. With a unique and very unexpected ending it is a story not easily forgotten. Arti is truly the queen when it comes to writing love stories.
~ Janice Thomson, poet, photographer and chinese brushpainting artist.

Looking into Ajay’s teary eyes she said, “I think I might be able to help.”
and with this beautiful note this is a beautiful story of Sneha , her life , her fear, her loneliness and her sacrifice to a total stranger and his daughter. Beautifully written by Arti Honrao.
~ Mona Khisty

I must start with telling the readers that they must read this book with an open mind. When I started reading the book (without giving the plot away), I had questions whether this is possible in real life. As soon I left those questions behind, I realised I was reading one of the most powerful love stories I have come across. There is a delicate balance between love, self respect and family, Arti has maintained this balance throughout the book. She has bravely tackled writing in an open, "from the heart" way that shows from the first word to the last word of the book. Like most of her books, I read this book in one go! Great job Arti.
~ Vidya Subramanian Vidyasagar

Synopsis:

When you perform on stage in school or college days, you try your best to become one with the character you portray in the play. The applause from audience is the prize you get for your performance and dedication.

However, it is totally different if you have to play a role in your real life. Portraying someone else, being one with someone, giving your best shot to be the person is not as easy as acting on stage. And, the applause – it does not come. Silent gratitude from the person to whom it makes the difference and hostility from those who are offended, without you wanting to offend them, is all you get in real life for role-playing.

When Sneha sees Ajay for the first time, she is not aware her life is going to be turned upside – down. She does not know she is about to lose her individuality and step into someone else’s shoes willingly. What seems like love at first sight for her also means facing responsibilities which she is not sure, initially, whether she is ready to accept. The intensity of her feelings for Ajay, however, finally makes her take up the challenge of role playing of a wife and a mother.

Resemblance begins with Sneha being exposed to the shocking fact that she resembles a woman she has never met before in her life, a woman who is the wife of the man she falls in love with. The story completes a full circle when in the end, after facing the hostility of few people and swimming through the sea of emotions, accepting the challenge of life and battling the desires which take a toll on her peace of mind, Sneha finally reaches where she is meant to be, being who she is really meant to be.

On one hand, Resemblance takes us on a journey of Sneha’s life and on other hand it also tells us about the depth of mother’s love for her child, which overcomes even the barrier set by death.

Prologue:

As if on the same wavelength of Sneha’s thoughts Ajay continued the conversation telling her he would explain everything if she promised to meet him in the hospital the next day. Sneha agreed. To avoid the awkward silence which might follow, Sneha decided to leave. Ajay and Sneha walked out of the park together. Unlike she expected the silence between them seemed not awkward but peaceful. Both shared an understanding, which surprised her since both of them were strangers to one another.

After Ajay returned to the I.C.U. he sat on the chair and closed his eyes. Ajay’s chance meeting with the girl filled his heart with hope and his prompt decision of talking to her went well, in fact a lot better than he expected. Despite the disturbing facts of his life, everything seemed so smooth and calm around the girl. The girl, Ajay realized he did not know her name. Neither she told him her name nor had he bothered to ask. The short conversation with the girl convinced him, the similarity between Smriti and the girl did not end with the physical appearance. It went much beyond. By simply being with him, the girl helped him to calm down, made him forget momentarily about the mess in his life. The girl filled his heart with optimism and hope for future.

Ajay got up from the chair and walked towards Smriti. Eyes closed, amidst the tubes and the machinery, her face seemed peaceful. Ajay’s vision blurred and before he could press his fingers to the bridge of his nose to stop the emotions from flowing, tears escaped from his eyes and he slid into the bed next to Smriti. Despite the warnings from the doctor to not disturb the patient and the setup, he snuggled close to Smriti. Placing his head on her chest, trying his best not to disturb the tubes and the wires, he continued crying.

Total Number of Chapters: 37.

Chapter One: The Resemblance

Her face was expressionless, he hoped for some reaction to his touch but there was none. He moved his hand over her arm again. Nope, nothing. He walked away from the bed and sat on the chair. He hated watching her like this but he was helpless. She had been like this for days now. Still. Lifeless. Her body surrounded by tubes and machines keeping her with him, keeping her alive. His life had come to a standstill. He wanted to hold on to her but it seemed as if he had no other option but to let her go. He hid his face in his palms and started crying, just like he did every day for the past two weeks.

The door to the room opened and he looked up to see the person at the door. A familiar face filled his blurred vision. He wiped the tears away and looked at her. Then - he really looked at her, shocked. He turned his gaze towards the bed, the woman he loved the most was still on the bed, lifeless. He looked back at the face which appeared at the door and continued staring with his mouth open, too shocked to speak.

“I am sorry, perhaps I am in the wrong room” the voice which belonged to the face said. He recognized the voice. He had heard the voice so many times before and few minutes ago he was willing to give anything in return to hear the same voice again. Ajay’s wish was fulfilled as he heard the voice now. But how was it possible? He thought. The girl turned to walk out of the door but he got up from the chair and held her hand in one swift motion. He did not want to let her go.

“Excuse me!” the girl said, confused and irritated. Ajay let go of the hand at once and apologized. The girl walked out. He did not want to follow her, did not want to leave his beloved wife alone but – he walked out. He saw her walk to the inquiry desk and talk to the person behind the desk. Perhaps asking for the room number of the patient she had come to visit. She should have done this earlier instead of walking straight into his wife’s I.C.U. room and turning his whole world upside down. But, she had not. He was meant to see her. That is what his wife would have said. He still could not believe his eyes but in his heart he believed that this girl had walked into the room for a reason. He saw the girl turn to look at him and he turned around to walk back to the room embarrassed to be caught in act of staring. But he had his own reasons. If the girl had seen the woman lying lifeless on the bed of the hospital room she had just now entered by mistake she would have known he had a reason to stare at her the way he did. The girl would also have been as much shocked as he was, to see that the lifeless woman looked exactly like the girl she saw in the mirror every morning.

Chapter Two: The Attraction

“I am sorry, perhaps I am in the wrong room” it sounded so lame even to her ears. But what was she supposed to say? “I am here to see you.”?

Standing outside the cafeteria, her back resting against the wall and her heart beating hard against her ribcage, Sneha closed her eyes and thought about what happened in the I.C.U. room. She wanted to calm herself before entering the cafeteria.

She was not meant to be in the room and definitely was not supposed to see him cry. She unknowingly disturbed a moment when she entered. She’d seen him in his most vulnerable moment and it obviously meant trespassing into his privacy. She felt his pain and her heart ached as he looked up at her. For unexplainable reasons she wanted to console the man and hold him in her arms. She was confused seeing the way he stared at her with a look of shock on his face. He then turned to look at the bed on which rested the patient, someone he immensely loved. Then, he looked back at her and she felt the intensity of his emotions radiating out towards her. She had been very scared. Not of him, but of herself. She knew it was necessary to move out of the room to keep her emotions in check. It was insane and weird, the pull which she felt towards this man. Making up her mind she’d turned to go but the man held her hand to stop her. His touch did weird things to her. Her skin tingled, warmth spread across her body, emanating from the point of contact and her heart did a somersault. What was so special about this man? Why did he affect her like this? She did not know the answers.

“Excuse me!” She had then said pretending to be frustrated and he let go of her hand and apologized. She knew if she had not left the room when she did, she might have ended up doing something she would have regretted later.

She rushed out of the room without saying anything or turning to look back. But she knew he would follow her out. The man perhaps felt the same strange attraction towards her as she felt towards him. She then walked to the inquiry desk and started a conversation with her friend at the desk because she wanted the man to believe she was enquiring about the right room where her patient was. She’d turned around on purpose and surprised the man. Embarrassed to be caught in the act of staring, the man then walked back to the room and she fled the scene. Strange things happened to her. Things she could not handle. She never behaved irrationally before now.

It all started a week ago when she’d seen this man for the first time in the hospital cafeteria. One glimpse at him and it had all begun. The strange attraction! Butterflies in stomach, heart doing somersaults, skin on fire things just like a romance novelist would describe in book and things more than that. Things neither she could explain nor could any romance novelist in the world.

Sneha had walked out of the kitchen of the cafeteria on the request of her friend who wanted Sneha to take her place till she returned from the restroom. It was then that Sneha saw him, sitting in one corner, munching on a sandwich and sipping coffee. Fascinated by him she continued to stare without realizing that her friend was back and was talking to her. “Huh?” she asked her friend and her friend had smiled.

The next day she’d walked out of the kitchen on purpose and he was there just like she expected. At the same time, at the same table, eating sandwich and sipping coffee. When he had finished his sandwich and coffee and stood up to go, he looked in her direction but had not really seen her and thud … thud … thud Sneha’s heart hammered hard against her chest. She rushed back to the kitchen to avoid being seen. After a couple of days, she had gotten so used to the routine that when she worked in the kitchen she made a special sandwich for him with more cheese. More milk, sugar and coffee powder was added to his cup of coffee.

Unlike the other days, this present day she decided to follow him and that’s what she did. She saw him entering the particular I.C.U. room. Her desire to know more about him forced her take the bold step of walking in through the door of the I.C.U. room. But when she had seen him crying she regretted trespassing into his privacy. Apart from apologizing for being in the wrong room she had not been able to say anything else even though before entering the room she made plans to start a conversation, enquire about his patient and know more about him. But, after disturbing a moment and seeing him vulnerable, her heart filled with intense emotions and she was tongue-tied. The pain and the shock in his eyes had been too much to handle.

When her breathing slowed down she walked inside the cafeteria and started working in the kitchen. She thought about what she had done and shook her head. Had she gone mad? What had overcome her? Why did she do what she had done? Why did she follow the man to the I.C.U. floor? She had no answers to these questions but she knew one thing for sure –

Now that she did what she had done, her life would never be the same ever. She knew that something in her had changed forever. She was in love with the man she did not know anything about, the man who was crying over someone in the I.C.U.

Perhaps it was time to find out more about the man…

Chapter Three: The Meeting

He would have liked to watch her for some more time. He really wanted to cross-check her excuse of entering the wrong room. He wanted to wait and check which I.C.U. room she entered. It would serve two purposes, Ajay thought. One, his doubt would be cleared and two, he would himself get an excuse to start a conversation with her asking her about the patient she had come to visit, not now but maybe a couple of days later. But – He could not wait any longer. She had turned around and surprised him. Being caught staring at her was embarrassing so he turned around to go; anyways he had to be in the room with his wife. Considering what the doctors said, he wanted to spend as much time with her as possible and he did not know why he had left the room in first place. He wished she would open her eyes and recognize him. He wanted her to smile her beautiful smile, tell him how much she loved him, wanted her to hear how much he loved her and he wanted to hold her in his arms.

The disappointment, the pain, the helplessness, all his negative feelings returned. Tears gathered in his eyes again. He walked back to his wife forgetting about the girl he had seen. The girl who looked exactly like his wife…

In the kitchen of the hospital cafeteria, Sneha could not stop thinking about the stranger. She worked in the kitchen but her thoughts were still on the I.C.U. floor. Sneha realized the man was not convinced by her comment of entering the wrong room. She also knew that even he wanted to talk to her. So, obviously, he would follow her to find out which I.C.U. room she would enter so that he would be able to start a conversation, perhaps not today but some other day. She wanted to give him an excuse to take the initiative to talk because she hoped that maybe she would be able to figure out why he had looked at her that way – the expression of recognition followed by utter shock and disbelief. But the problem was, she did not have any room to go to and that is the reason she had fled from there. Once she was inside the kitchen she made up her mind to stay in there till the end of her shift and not walk out. She was emotionally exhausted and was not yet ready to face him if he showed up in the cafeteria. She somehow managed to work through the remaining hours of the shift not able to put in her 100% into the sandwiches she made. Her lack of concentration showed. At the end of the day, she saw many half-finished sandwiches in the trays left in the bin as she walked past one pretending to be unaffected by it, even though wastage of food affected her very much. She did not like anyone wasting food irrespective of whether it was made by her or by someone else. Today however, the customers were not to be blamed as it was all her fault. So far, today had been a day of the wrongs.

Ajay returned to his ‘lifeless’ wife as per what the doctors said. But for him she was still alive. He did not want to believe the doctors when they said she was surviving only on the support of the machine and it was the right thing to pull the plug and put her to rest because the chances of her coming out of the coma were very remote. He sensed her presence in the room. Even though it was getting weaker, it was still there. She was not lifeless; she was a person with less life in her. Miracles happened. She had always believed in miracles and one miracle had already happened in their life, ten years ago. He desperately wanted a miracle to happen and as he sat in the I.C.U. room he prayed every night for one. A little voice in his head told him, his prayer had already been answered. The miracle had happened. He had seen a doppelganger of Smriti. He pushed the thought out of his mind. He was not going to be satisfied with this. He wanted his Smriti back and not some look-alike. He sat in the room for a long time, fingers intertwined, elbows resting on his knees, praying. His thoughts went back to the girl once again. He got up and walked towards Smriti. It seemed like a crazy thought, but he was sure something had changed in her face. She still did not react to external stimulus but her face gave an impression of her being at peace, unlike earlier. He shook his head and then he turned around and walked out of the I.C.U. He needed to breathe fresh air.

When Sneha walked out of the hospital she was deep in thoughts. She walked hurriedly, her head lowered and eyes fixed on the road. Many shoes of different sizes and colours walked past her, away from her, few walked with her, few were walking towards her and then, she saw one set of shoes stopping right in front of her. She looked up knowing to whom the set of shoes belonged to. She had seen them before when she had tried not to look into the teary eyes of the person.

“We need to talk” he said. She stared at him, speechless. She wanted to say something, wanted to refuse to talk, pretend to be frustrated, walk away, avoid him but staring into his brown eyes reflecting her image, she simply nodded and he started walking towards the park in the hospital campus. She followed, mesmerized. She knew she acted like a moron but she did not have control over how she behaved. It seemed he controlled her in a way as if she belonged to him. She felt his tremendous power controlling her mind and her heart. She did belong to him. Now, she only needed to find out who was admitted in the I.C.U.

He had said he wanted to talk, she decided, yes, she wanted to talk too.

They walked to the park, a few couples were on their way out, followed by a family of four; a boy and a girl and their parents. The face of their parents looked similar, Sneha thought. She blinked. The woman looked like her and the man looked like … She blinked again and the strangers walked past her. She shook her head and followed him to a bench. It was time to talk.

The Lover (Chapter 16 out of 37)

As the cab moved away from Ajay, Sneha had turned around to look at him and noticed he had already started walking back home. Finally, she looked straight ahead at the road and after a while closed her eyes. Since the day she met him she had always seen him sad and today he had smiled for the first time. Considering whatever he had been through recently, his smile meant a lot and the fact he had smiled because of her made her happy too. As she reflected back to the moment he had smiled, her heart skipped a beat. The smile had been genuine.

Sneha climbed out as the cab stopped and walked to her apartment taking the stairs instead of the elevator. When she entered her house, even the same old empty house seemed to be brighter as a result of the effect Ajay had on her. She wondered whether Ajay was aware how he affected her. What difference would that make? The ugly voice said again. He would still love Smriti and for the rest of your life you would only be the doppelganger who reminds him of his dead wife, the ugly voice reminded her. True, Sneha admitted, but she thought it would not harm to hope things might change in future. Little did she know how much this would affect her life! She only hoped to have a future with him, with Shreya. She was ready to accept all the challenges she would have to face for the same. Though, marriage seemed to be the promise of long term togetherness, neither of them was ready for it. What was the use of such a marriage which did not bring them close but tied them together forcefully? Sneha had to admit that the ugly voice had indeed helped her make up her mind and she believed the decision was the right one. She finalized the Legal document option, though this would not be her condition to enter the set-up, she decided. She was eager to meet Shreya in person. Even though on the phone Shreya addressed her as “mom” Sneha wanted to see how she would behave when they finally came face to face. She was deep in thoughts when her cell-phone beeped.

Ajay had texted her -

“You can keep the jacket. Love. Ajay.” Sneha smiled as she read the message. The ringing of the doorbell followed by loud banging on the door brought her back to reality. She searched for her cell-phone and found it on the couch. She checked the text inbox and burst into laughter. The text from Ajay had been her imagination. The doorbell rang again and she opened the door. She was surprised to find the guy from the cafeteria standing at the door, the same guy who had asked her whether she wanted to enter this kind of relationship with Ajay. She had never talked to this guy while working in the kitchen.

“May I come in?” he asked.

“What are you doing here? Who gave you my address?” Sneha asked

“I followed you home one day.” He admitted. His reply scared Sneha.

“It’s a little late for any kind of conversation. You should go, whatever it is that you want to say, you can say it tomorrow at work.” Sneha said and started to close the door. She did not care if it seemed rude. She did not want to talk to this man; she smelled the alcohol from distance.

"I am sorry. Trust me I am not a stalker. I followed you home just once because I wanted to talk to you and …” he stopped mid-sentence when he realized Sneha was about to shut the door on his face.

“Oh please come on. I mean no harm. I am a lot safer than the stranger whose arms you are walking into with closed eyes.” He said; his own frustration brought to the surface through these words. Seeing the shock on Sneha’s face he tried to apologize but before he could, Sneha asked him to leave.

“Please. I am sorry; I did not want to be rude. Please, may I come in?” he pleaded.

“No” Sneha snapped back. She had almost shut the door on his face but he slipped his fingers through the gap and forced the door open. Sneha staggered back and he took the opportunity to force himself through the door and into the house.

“Please don’t be scared of me.” He pleaded trying to grab Sneha.

“I will call the police if you do not leave now.” She said in firm and confident voice, but within she felt exactly the opposite. The sudden change in the man’s face, the darkened features and the laughter which came out of his throat made her want to run out of the house and she did. Not bothering that she was leaving a stranger in her house, she made a dash towards the door but even before she reached it, the man wrapped his left arm around her waist and placed his right hand on her mouth and pulled her inside the house. He threw her on the couch and tried to calm her down “Please do not be afraid of me. I love you and all I want from you is to love me instead of walking blindly into the arms of the man you do not even know anything about. We have been together for a year now, we know each other, and we are perfect for each other.”

Sneha tried to free herself as he sat near her on the couch and pinned her down. As he brought his mouth closer to hers, the smell of alcohol became stronger. She realized she had to get away from the man as soon as possible but he was strong, way stronger than her. He covered her mouth with his and Sneha struggled to free herself from his grip. Gathering her strength, she managed to free her lips and push the man’s face away from her own with both her hands and then using her knees she pushed the man away from her and as the man landed on the floor away from the couch, she got up and kicked him in the groin before making a mad dash towards the door again, this time taking her cell-phone with her. It took a while for the man to get up and she had enough time to rush out of the door, run down the steps and out of the apartment. She started running on the road, searching for a cab but did not find any. She ran for her life, trying to put as much distance between her and the man as she could. She dialed the only number which came to her mind when she believed she was safe, and as soon as the call was attended she started speaking in a hurried tone, “Help me, please. He... he just came into my house and forced himself on me, I did not take him in, but … but he came in and... and... he works with me at the hospital but I have never spoken to him. I don’t know what to do, please … please come and get me.” The voice on the other end of the line told her to calm down and asked her where she was. She looked around and gave the landmark. The man told her to stay where she was. Sneha disconnected the call and hid behind a broken wall on the side of the road. The place was deserted. She realized she was on the less frequented road. She realized she should have continued on the main road but as she had run in fear trying to put in distance between the man and her she took several turns and had landed here. She tried to relax, waiting for help but once again strong arms gripped her around her waist and pushed her on the ground

“You bitch!” the man shouted as he kicked her in her stomach. Pain radiated through her entire body. The man bent down near her and whispered, “Don’t you understand? I love you and I want you to love me.”

He slapped her several times. Blood trickled down her jaw and she realized she had cut her lip. The man bent down and licked the blood and was about to kiss her again but they both heard a motorbike approaching. The man got up and picked her up and tried to carry her towards the wall so they could not be seen. The bike stopped and the biker started calling out her name. Sneha wanted to shout but once again the hand covered her mouth. She was in pain and did not have enough strength to fight back. She closed her eyes and let her body relax in submission. When the man holding her tight to his body realized she had given up he loosened the grip on her and taking the chance she pushed the man away with all her strength and ran in full speed towards the biker.

She feared the man would follow her again but he did not. She rushed into the arms of the biker and he wrapped his arms around her. The moment she was in his arms, she believed she was safe. “Let’s go” Ajay said but she did not break the embrace and held on to him tightly, fearing that if she let go, Ajay would vanish and she would be left alone on this road to face the maniac again. She started crying. Ajay realized that Sneha was trembling. He knew they had to go but he was also aware she needed the comforting, so he tightened his grip around Sneha and felt her heart beating loudly in her chest, which vibrated through his own. They stood in the middle of the road, wrapped in each other’s arms totally unaware that someone was watching them.

Carried by The Winds

2013-02-18T03:24:00.001+05:30

Let the whisper

Carried by the winds

Find you and bring you back.

Let the words

Be enough to get your attention

And know it is I who spoke them.

Let the wind

Carry with it the hope of my heart

As I wait for you to return.

Let the whisper

Carry a message of peace and love

And change the hearts of those in the battlefield.

Let my heart's desires

Be heard louder than the sound of firearms

And bring my soldier back safely to his home.

Love Poem

2013-02-08T02:21:00.001+05:30

My emotions,

The chaos of the mind,

Fluttering heartbeat,

The breathlessness,

Glowing face.

These are my love poems-

The ones only for you to read.

I write these-

Every waking moment.

Recite them-

When you are around.

Smile on your lips,

Your hand holding mine,

The warmth of your embrace,

Promise in your kiss.

Your love poem

My unfulfilled dream.

Love Story

2013-02-01T03:16:00.001+05:30

He was a carefree man

She a caring woman

They met one day in a park

Both walking their dogs

They saw each other

And wagged their tails

Both the dogs I mean

And not the man and the woman

They looked at each other

And smiled

Not the dogs -

I mean the man and the woman

Then they walked their own way

The dogs, man and woman.

They met again -

Without their humans on the leash

Hid together in the bushes

And wagged their tails -

They were in love!

They met again -

Without their dogs on the leash

Had a coffee together and chatted -

It was love, they knew.

They stayed together and had puppies

They married but did not want kids (so soon)

They roamed around together -

Hand in hand, the man and the woman.

Years passed by -

The puppies grew up and the Dogs grew old

The humans changed too -

The carefree man became a suspicious husband

And, the caring woman became a jealous wife.

Sitting together with their puppies

They watched -

As their humans fought every night.

The happy couple wondered -

If their love stories started the same day,

Why did it not go the same way..?

It's Okay!

2013-01-31T02:39:00.001+05:30

It's okay to break down and cry

After being strong for others for long.

It's okay to rest your head on someone else's shoulder

After carrying it high on your own, life long.

It's okay to wear your heart on your sleeve

After keeping it all along within the walls.

It's okay to trust and love someone again

After being cheated and rejected once.

It's okay to be Human.