Straight From The Heart

Give Me Strength…

2009-11-14T16:30:00.001+05:30

I wrote this poem at 4:30 early morning today. I had just slid into the bed to sleep and these words just came to me and I had to get up, open my writing pad and pen down the poem. I just went on writing not even knowing where to start a new paragraph. I hope you all like the poem. It is Straight from my heart.

Give me strength O Lord,
To fulfil each dream -
Of those little expectant eyes ...
That look at me.
The eyes, I wish never fill with tears.
I would strive hard to see to that.
Every effort would be made -
To make that little face smile.
The face, which makes me smile each morning...
As I look at her -
Sleeping peacefully in my embrace,
her tiny hand resting on my waist.
The one, who gives me a feeling of completeness,
gives a meaning to my life -
For all that is and all that can be.

Give me strength O Lord,
To be a mother to her, who knows me as one.
She might have belonged to someone else,
Conceived in another womb -
From someone else's seed.
But, she is mine to hold now,
Mine to care and love.
Because, every morning and every night -
I see myself in her eyes...
The sparkling gems that make me -
The richest woman in the world!
Yes, she is mine to hold,
To care and love.

So, give me strength O Lord,
To hold her and, love her as my own -
With much confidence, pride and faith -
That I can be good mother to her and
She would someday proudly say -
"I am hers - to hold, care and love ...
And, she is mine!"

What Is Worse?

2009-11-14T02:54:00.000+05:30

I have always wondered
But have never figured
What is worse?
Aborting a female fetus
Or giving birth to a girl
And telling her
That she was never wanted?

I have always wondered
But have never figured
What is worse?
To put an end to her existence
Once and for all
Or carry on and give life to her
And then hammering on her mind
That her existence means nothing at all?

I have always wondered
But have never figured
What is worse?
To let her rest in peace
Before she is born
Or to slice her heart in pieces later
And leave her mind
Being haunted
By hurt and depression
Leaving permanent mark of parents confession
Ill-treating her
For the rest of her life
Poking her
With words sharper than knife?

I have always wondered...

Poem dedicated to all the girls facing abuse.

The Hidden Journal

2009-11-12T02:25:00.003+05:30

Of all that I speak

and all that I do not -

I keep a record in the hidden journal

Few words smudged with tears

Feelings splattered all over.

The hidden journal -

It sits in a corner where no one can find -

A place so well-hidden;

deep down inside me.

A part of me, which always is scared...

Scared to reveal itself to the world -

Vulnerable it would be,

The hidden journal, stark naked -

Open to the cruel world.

Let me keep it safe, deep inside

The Hidden Journal -

Of all that I speak

and all that I do not ...

Let the emotions be unleashed -

written in ink only I can read.

Words exchanged between us;

The hidden journal and the smiling me.

Dreams

2009-11-08T20:06:00.001+05:30

She loved him with all her heart. She gave him all that she could. She cared for him, hugged him when he needed a friend, gave him a peck on the cheek when he was depressed. She helped him with his work, gave him ideas for his new projects, cooked for him when he was hungry. She stayed awake when he could not sleep and he left her when she needed him.
He left her forever and left his ten year old daughter for her to take care of. Daughter someone else had borne. Did she deserve all this? Catherine spent hours standing in front of the mirror, asking this question to herself. Why did she let all this happen? Who was to be blamed? She did not know. All that she knew was that she loved him a lot, loved him enough to spend her life taking care of his ten year old daughter. She was ready to lead her life as his widow though she had not married him.

Roger and she were colleagues and she had been there for him whenever he had needed her. She had met Lily, Roger’s wife, during the final days of her life. She had been there for Roger when he mourned. She had taken care of Roger’s daughter when she had awakened in the middle of the night calling for her mother. That was the first time she had stayed back at Roger’s place. After that she frequently stayed back at his place to take care of his daughter. She had held Roger in her arms as he cried. She had tried her best to bring Roger’s life back to normal.
Three years. She had given three years of her life to Roger, attending to his and his daughter’s needs. Christine and she had become friends. The little girl had accepted Catherine as a part of her life and now Catherine was the only family she had.

Catherine pushed aside the covers and carefully got out of the bed. She did not want to wake up the little girl. She walked towards the desk and sat on the chair. After a moment of thinking, she took out a scribble pad from the drawer and wrote a poem for Roger:-

Standing in front of the mirror,

A lump in my throat and ache in heart

I ask myself - Why did I even give you the chance?

Why did I let all this happen?

Why did I let you hurt me and walk away?

I stand there, for hours, staring at my reflection

Staring at those lips, as if they would speak

Staring at those eyes, as if they would let me peek into the truth

The warmth of your love, slowly kisses my cheeks

As I see in the mirror, the tears that have finally left my eyes

Why did all this happen?

What am I doing here? Standing like this; in front of the mirror?

Should I be here, asking questions to myself?

Or stand in front of you and ask you why did you do this?

Why did you leave me, right when I needed you?

I don't know,

Things were not meant to happen this way

After all that we shared together.

I was not meant to be standing here, alone.

You were not meant to be there, sleeping alone, forever.

We were meant to be together.

Tears trickled down her face, onto the paper and smeared the word “together”. Perhaps, that sort of connected her with Roger because she felt something warm inside her heart. Suddenly, the breeze entering through the window touched her skin in a manner that made her shiver. Her hair that rose and fell with the breeze made her feel as if he was whispering something in her ears. She tore off the paper from the pad, neatly folded the paper and placed it in an envelope. She got up and turned around. She wanted to visit him right now but it was not possible. The time was 00:25 hrs, five minutes to half hour past midnight, the time Christine woke up because of the nightmare she started having after Roger’s death.
“God, don’t you ever do this to anyone ever!” Catherine whispered as she looked at Christine.
Catherine tiptoed out of the room; she still had five minutes to spend with Roger. She walked to his room and as she turned the knob of the door...

She remembered the day she had told him how much she loved him. That was the day he had told her that he could not love her back. He had loved only one woman all his life, Christine’s mother and his lawfully wedded wife who died of cancer.

As she entered the room, Catherine remembered the first time they made love. She remembered the day when finally Roger had accepted her. As she walked closer to the bed she felt him, felt his warm embrace around her, felt his lips on her neck and she closed her eyes. She visualized them together on the bed that was left unattended since they had slept together on it for the first and the last time. She opened her eyes and kept the envelope on the pillow. She wanted to sit there and spend some more time with him. Suddenly she heard the scream. Christine… She needed her. Catherine got up and rushed to her room. As she reached the door she saw Christine sitting upright in bed, staring towards the wall. Now was the time, Catherine had to rush and stop Christine from climbing out of the bed and flinging herself towards the wall in an attempt to run to her injured daddy. Christine pushed aside the covers and Catherine ran towards her. The strength with which Christine tried to rush towards the wall always amazed Catherine. It was too much for a ten year old. Catherine managed to hold her back and place her on the bed and tuck her in covers. “It is okay honey, it is just a dream. Try to sleep.” Catherine said as Christine struggled to get out of her grip.
“She killed daddy. Mama killed daddy” Christine screamed at the top her voice.
“Hush, just close your eyes and try to sleep, okay. I am here right besides you” saying so, Catherine tried to calm her down and slid in bed next to the little girl who was still trying to get up. It took some more efforts for Catherine to calm her down and then Christine broke into loud sobs as Catherine held her close to her chest.
“Please stop this Lord” Catherine prayed. It had been one year since that dreadful accident that had killed Roger. The accident that had taken place the very next day Roger and she had come together. One year, Catherine thought. How could He punish a little girl like that? Christine had been having these dreams for past one year now. It had started taking a toll on her health. She could neither sleep nor eat properly.
“Mama killed daddy” she kept on repeating in her sleep too.

Initially Catherine had assumed that the nightmares would take a backseat after Christine came out of the shock. She had expected this to last only for a few months but she had been worried when it continued to happen every night. Christine vaguely remembered her dream and it had started affecting her health because of lack of sleep. She could not sleep for a long time after the dream. Catherine had visited a child psychologist for Christine and now she was under his treatment. He had been working on her for a few months but without any success. Last time she had visited him, he had expressed his fears that Christine might need medication. Catherine was not ready for this. There has to be some other way, she had told the doctor.

Catherine had discussed this with the doctor and he had not denied the possibility. She felt that one of the reasons for Christine’s nightmares was that she had played an important role in bringing Roger and her together. Now, after her daddy was killed in an accident she must be feeling that her mama had punished her daddy for thinking of another woman and was now haunting her because she had brought them close. There was no other possible explanation she could come up with. However, there was one more thing that they could not find answer for. Catherine and the doctor failed to understand why Christine repeatedly said that she had seen her mother on the day of the accident. Not once but twice. Once at the accident spot and second time in the hospital where Roger was declared dead!

As Catherine held Christine close to her chest, she remembered the day of the accident. They had been out for a movie and on their way back home, Roger had crossed over to buy ice-cream for Christine as Christine and she waited on the other side of the road. When Roger was about to cross the road, a speeding car had hit him. The car had come to a screeching halt at some distance but had then sped away. Catherine had rushed towards Roger but Christine had continued staring at the car. Suddenly she started screaming that her mama was driving the car that had hit Roger.
Catherine had picked her up and pushed her in the cab in which Roger was being taken to the hospital. The doctors attended to Roger but he was declared dead on admission. Christine screamed yet again saying that she had seen her mama at the entrance of the hospital. Catherine could not believe what Christine was saying. How could she?
Catherine just wanted all this to stop and she was ready to do anything for that. But there was nothing she could do.

The doctor had even suggested that Catherine should marry someone else, it might perhaps help Christine but Catherine was not ready for that. Had she been sure that it would help Christine she could’ve considered the option but somewhere deep within her heart she knew it was not going to happen that way. There had to be some other way. There was a way, she was sure. She just needed to reach there.

Catherine looked at Christine who was now sleeping peacefully. She climbed out of bed and walked to the window. She had to visit the doctor the next day. Perhaps he was right. Christine needed medication. She was ready to take the risk if that would help Christine.
Then, why was she not ready to take the risk of marrying someone else if that could help Christine? Catherine closed her eyes and tears trickled down her cheeks. Was she being selfish?
She turned around and walked out of the room. She walked to Roger’s room and slid into the bed. She needed him to hold her, she needed him to tell her what was the right thing to do; she needed him to hug her and assure her that everything would be fine. She did not want to fail. She did not want to stand in front of his grave and tell him that she could not do anything for his daughter, their daughter.
Catherine never knew when she fell asleep.

When she woke up the next day she walked back to Christine’s room before the girl woke up. She had made up her mind. After sending Christine to school, Catherine walked to Roger’s grave and kept a rose and the envelope on the grave.
She got in her car and then drove to the psychologist’s clinic. She waited for her turn to go in but before that the psychologist walked out saying that he had to cancel all his appointments for personal reason. After being the relative of his patient for many months, Catherine was now friends with the psychologist and when she saw the look on his face, she knew it was something serious. She knew it was about his wife.
They had met on a weekend and, over a cup of coffee the psychologist had told her about his wife who had been in persistent vegetative state* for more than a year now. There were times when she became unresponsive. Doctors attending to her had said that perhaps she could be bed-ridden for the rest of her life. That was not the way his wife wanted to live, the doctor had told Catherine. At times, he wanted to take that bold step and put an end to all this and at other times he wanted to let it be. Sometimes, hoped that she would recover. Sometimes, was ready to take care of her, for the rest of her life even if she was bed-ridden. That day Catherine had seen a completely different man.

Catherine stood up as the doctor walked towards her.
She had started caring for the man and as he told her the reason for canceling the appointments she wanted to accompany him. He did not say anything, perhaps because he too wanted a company.

They drove to the hospital, the same hospital where Roger had been taken on the day of the accident. As they walked towards the I.C.U. the doctor held Catherine’s hand. She tightened her grip on his hand and assured him that everything would be fine. The staff was waiting for them. The attending doctor said that the patient had become unresponsive and there was very little hope that she would recover and the administration wanted him to take some decision. When Catherine saw the frail woman lying on the hospital bed she kept staring at her. It was not possible, just not possible! How could she be here, in the hospital when she was already dead!
Catherine could not believe the resemblance between doctor’s wife and Christine’s mother.

Suddenly Catherine remembered what the doctor had told her. She remembered the accident he had mentioned, the one that had left her in this state. Two accidents on the same day had ruined two families. His wife had hit a man while speeding at the red light trying to reach home in a hurry. She had halted for a moment but then sped away and then she had followed the family to the hospital where she had learned that the man she had hit was declared dead. She had called him up and told him about the man, his wife and his daughter. On her way home from the hospital she had met with an accident and had been punished for what she had done.

Catherine closed her eyes; she heard Christine’s screams that her mama was driving the car that had killed her daddy; she heard Christine’s screams telling her that she had seen her mama in the hospital too. Catherine’s head started spinning. She held the doctor’s arm. He turned to look at her. Catherine knew how to save the doctor’s wife; she also knew how to help Christine. She then told him about the resemblance between his wife and Lily; Christine’s mother. Finally, God had heard her prayers. Catherine felt as if Roger had finally stepped in to help her, help her to help his daughter.

After school, Christine was brought to the hospital. She was shocked when she saw the doctor’s wife. The girl stood rooted to the ground. Catherine made her walk close to the woman and hold her hand. The girl turned around and ran out of the room. Catherine had a hard time convincing the girl and explaining everything to her. At one point of time she was not sure whether Christine understood what she was saying but then as the girl walked towards the room she knew that she had succeeded in convincing the girl.
After some time, Christine whispered something in the woman’s ears and the woman responded. She turned to look at Christine and, tears gathered in her eyes. Christine turned around and walked out of the room. She did not say anything on way back home; she did not say anything on entering the house. She just locked herself in her daddy’s room. Catherine knew that everything was going to be fine. When Christine opened the door, she rushed towards Catherine and hugged her.

That night, Christine slept peacefully.

********************

Confession

2009-11-06T13:46:00.002+05:30

I am new to the concept of 55 Fiction. I’d heard about it but never tried because I find it difficult to write following rules. Yes, I have written a few Acrostics, Haikus’, Tankas’ etc. but I love writing free verse. I have now decided to venture into the follow-some-rules-when-you-write zone. I am sure I will be able to do it, just need encouragement from the readers. Help me to grow as a writer.

What follows is my first attempt at 55 Fiction:

Confession:
Stepping out of the bed, he started his day unwillingly. Word; lies, pretentions, sorry tales, crimes and heart-breaks surrounded him. He listened to each person half-heartedly, as he counted his own sins. Sitting on the receiving end of the confession box he wished he could confess his sins to someone, someday and be set free.

55 fiction at Wikipedia

Memories that would last forever…

2009-11-04T16:43:00.006+05:30

Junior college [Class XII tuitions]
She entered my life as a gush of fresh air, as a volcano of words, as a hurricane of emotions, as flood of love and joy! I never heard her call me as Arti; it has always been Aarteee sounding as if someone has just pricked her with a pin. Her vibrant voice still echoes in my ears… “Aarteee … get up… we have class today!” I rub my eyes, pull up the covers and tell her that it is too early to get up as the class begins after 2 hours! But before I complete my statement I find the covers in her hand and her hand on my neck! “Get up …I want to talk to you!” Then she accompanies me wherever I go [accept few private places], makes sure that I have brushed my teeth properly and then after I become presentable enough for the class she starts talking …

when the other students join us for the tuition we realize it is time for our class to begin! The moment the class gets over she attacks our kitchen and as she satisfies her appetite she continues talking about what she had not mentioned before the class. Surprisingly enough it is more than what she has already talked! The dull hour of tuition is made up for, by the next few hours of entertainment that she provides. Then, she leaves my house and I wait eagerly for the next day of our tuition even if it means being forced to get up early. She, my alarm clock never failed to make my day!
Had it not been for her, I would have never looked forward to those tuition classes. She was company for the two tuitions that were conducted at my residence, Chemistry and Mathematics and both were equally boring for me! But, today if someone asks me to take those classes again and take them with her, I would readily agree!

End of tuition did not mean end of the chattering, but yes, as years went by, I saw another, more serious part of her! The outer bubbly girl was equally deep from within. We have shared not many but quite a few memorable moments together. There was a time when we were out of touch but still we knew that we were just a call away. When either one of us would be in need the other person would be there to care and share. When we finished our H.S.C. and opted for different careers the dust of time did cover our footprints but the footprints still existed. Now, she is married and settled in Mississippi, USA. Things have changed a bit but one thing has not changed at all … even today when she opens her mouth to talk no one on this earth can stop the volcano of words that flow! I know her as a person who talks so much so I am surprised to know that she is one of the silent visitors of my blog. She reads all my posts but has commented only on one post till date.
I am thankful to the voice chat facility of yahoo messenger that allows me to listen to her talks, once in a while. I still remember the day when we were having voice chat and the speakers were on high volume. Her welcome note – “Aartee, how are you?” Echoed in my entire house and mom came out of the kitchen and looked around as if expecting her to be in the room!
Recently she gave me a surprise visit and as you all must have assumed, the morning alarm buzzed in my room after so many years! The covers were yet again pulled off and my neck once again massaged! Once again my brushing was monitored and once again our kitchen was attacked. Everything was as it was before, except the tuitions [and I am thankful for that]. Once again our house echoed with her voice and once again I waited eagerly for her next visit. Then was the time I felt sad that we did not have tuitions because that would have meant much sooner attack on our kitchen! But yes, she came again and she yet again blessed our kitchen and when she was about to leave I felt like giving her a tight hug!

April 7, 2006 … 3 am IST
I was unable to sleep. My mind was forming sentences in my head for the sentimental article and I could think of only one person who could be mentioned in it, at least for this moment. I have been missing her for past few days and she was still on my mind. All of a sudden I sent her a message on her yahoo id through my cell. I had a feeling that she would be online and my thoughts were confirmed when she replied back. She was surprised to receive a message from me at this odd hour. She insisted that I should go to sleep but I wanted to chat with her for some time and so we had a short chat. She sent me messages from her yahoo messenger and I replied from my cell. I even told her that the person who has made this possible i.e. chatting from mobile deserves a kiss and hug from me and so does she, the person who has made this service worth using! We exchanged a few messages and then we ended the chat with a message from her side that though she is not within arms reach she is just a phone call, text message, and an email or offline message away!
Today, as she reads this sitting in her room in Mississippi I want her to imagine a warm hug and I want to tell her that I feel I have gone deaf because I no more hear any vibrant voice echoing in our house. I sleep till late in the morning because the alarm of my mobile is not as high-pitched as her wake up call. I want her to know that our kitchen is missing her and I want her to know that I am missing her more than I thought I ever would!

November 4, 2009 … 16: 40 IST

It is her birthday today. It has been a while since the voice echoed in my house. Let it be live or through the computer speakers. However, it still echoes in my mind and she’ll always be a part of my life.

Happy Birthday Jayanthi.

At Times...

2009-11-03T00:52:00.001+05:30

At times, there was so much to say
But I did not get the chance
At times, you looked in my eyes
Waiting for me to say something,
But all that I could do was just look at you.

At times, I wanted you to hold me
But you were just so very busy
At times, when you held me
I felt the moment should never pass
But, all wishes never come true
And I know that because of you.

The more I wanted you to be there for me
The more the distance grew
There were possibilities for us to change...
All that was happening between us
But we both just did not have the time
Now, as I sip coffee, I often go back in time

Do you go back in time too?
Do you realize,too, all that happened was wrong?
Sometimes, I wonder, should we give ourselves one more chance
And see if our love for one another is still strong.

When Dreams Shatter

2009-10-30T21:22:00.001+05:30

Wandering the streets
Hurt and regret in heart
Endless journey to a destination unknown
No one to accompany him on the isolated path

Dreams shattered, for good or for the bad
Running aimlessly, away from pain or towards it
Every night he cocoons into his own little world
A restless soul that he is,
Makes him more vulnerable to the prick of fate
Shattered completely, with no aim in life

She comes in his life, fragrance of fresh flowers
He hates her, loathes her for the happiness she spreads
A smile spreads over her face, a smile that says "I know"
That moment he's mesmerized by her smile
That moment he knows who she is
Everything then falls in right places
Regrets dissolve as his angel holds his hand

Acrostic

Taking It Easy…

2009-10-27T01:00:00.009+05:30

There are so many times in Life when we face situations when people tell us, “take it easy”. So many times we say the same thing to other people. “take it easy”

What do you actually mean by that? Take It Easy? Is it really easy to take it easy when Life throws difficult situations at us? What do we have to do to take it easy? Sit, relax, take deep breaths? Expect that Life will solve the problem on its own?

Believe me, taking it easy is really difficult task and frustrating, right when we have to do it. We do not like it when people say that to us. We turn to those people who listen to us, listen to what we have to say without sharing their two cents, we love talking to those who sympathize with us. As if “that” is really going to help. I think, yes, it does help. How so? When someone is frustrated, by default his listening system goes on strike. The system goes into hibernation, if not shut down. The best thing to do at such times is just listen to what that person has to say. Sympathizing can at times act as double-edged sword, so best … just listen. Sometimes, listening to someone would help that person in ways we can never imagine. I have had my own experiences. Both as giver and taker of sharing information business. It Helps.

This is the reason, I feel “take it easy” is an advice we need to give to ourselves as listeners rather than to the person going through the bad phase. Listen when the person wants to vent out, because anyways he is not going to understand what you are saying.

Then, as you feel the right time has come - “the person has taken it easy” you can share your two cents. Normally, these are the best times a person will understand what is being said even if we tell him that he was the one who was on the wrong side. Of course, a lot depends on “how “ you say it.

Recently, I had such an experience. A friend called me up to tell me something he was going through. A bad phase. I allowed him to vent out for as much time as he wanted to. I listened and he thanked me for understanding and supporting him. Then – after two days I explained what I actually felt about the whole situation. I told him how he was the one who was on the wrong side and whatever amendments were to be made had to be made by him. I was amazed by how quick he was to understand what I told him. He agreed to all that I said and admitted that he would have not understood it had I told him two days ago.

So, whenever you say “Take It Easy” to someone, think twice. Perhaps you need it more than the person trapped in bad situation. You need to take it easy and hold back the reins of the horse named advice.

My two cents.

Dreams... do come true

2009-10-26T04:57:00.005+05:30

Dreams -
Of those deep blue eyes,
Staring at me from far away ...
Watching every step of mine,
Watching over me, protecting me.

Open eyes -
I look around,
Alone on the bed, I lay -
I close my eyes ...
Waiting to sleep again.

Soft breathing -
On my neck,
Awakens me, startled.
Those deep blue eyes -
Mischief in them ...
I smile as you stare at me -
Propped up on your elbow,
So close to me.

And, I believe -
Dreams do come true!

Self - respect v/s Ego

2009-10-23T05:47:00.012+05:30

Past few days I have been thinking about something. It started as a thought, turned into discussion with friends and now the next step is this post. Please note, I did not say it ends in a post. Because, this is not the end! I expect some input from the reader’s as well...

What is self –respect and what is Ego? Is there any difference? If yes, what?
Let us talk about the definitions:

Self – respect: The quality of being worthy of esteem or respect
Ego: An inflated feeling of pride in your superiority to others

According to me, there is a very thin line between self-respect and Ego. One ends and the other begins. Ego is overdoing self-respect. I also believe that the line is never fixed, it shifts. So how do we exactly study the line, I thought.
I tweeted my thoughts and received response from one of my followers who also added that “Self - respect is a positive spin and Ego a negative spin to the same trait. To be simple one could say Ego - I am the best, Self - respect - I am not worse than anyone else.”

I found this interesting and decided to study “the fibres of thin line” between the two. I had a discussion with a few friends. Most of them had to say the same thing, a few differed. What follows is the discussion between friends and me.

Let it be self – respect or ego, both are subjective. What might be self respect for me might be ego for someone else. As a friend says, "we humans are weird creatures, sometimes we do what we don't want to or we think after doing so you just can't judge them, you know you can’t find out what kind of person one is, label them and they will shock you. So just make it simple, each one of us has the right to set our own boundary and we should respect it and not label them as egotist, egoist, negative or whatever”

Apart from being subjective, both are conditional – depend on the circumstances. What might seem like self –respect in one situation might be ego in another. When I questioned a few friends with examples, they had different answers. A few justified the action taken during that particular situation as being self respect whereas a few said it was nothing but the ego.

The e.g. I gave was:

If you are friends with A, just friends, less than good friends and more than acquaintance, have had conversation in the past however suddenly A stops responding. Ignores your attempts to strike a conversation! You then decide to give up. This “giving up” is self respect or Ego?

Like I had expected majority of people said it was self respect. Yes, majority. There were a few who said it was ego. A friend also added that it depends on the friendship with A. Another friend said it was self – respect because had it been ego, “you” would have not tried to start a conversation with A, at all.
Yet another good friend of mine said, “You never know what it is on A’s side, maybe A has his/her own reasons. Maybe A does not have time, is busy doing something else. So, the decision you take is based on your assumptions that you are being ignored, that is human nature." She said it was Ego to give up trying to strike a conversation.
This friend was the first person to whom I asked the modified question.

Modified version:

If B is a common friend to you and A. You come to know that A has been talking to B while ignoring your attempts to converse, what would you do? And, what would you consider this as?
To this she said she’d stop trying and this giving up would be self –respect.
Also, if that person has straight-away instructed her to not try talking then she would refrain from doing that as her self – respect.

The friend who said that we humans are weird creatures had an interesting answer to share:
For first example: See when you give-up without any response from other party, it's more or less because of your own assumptions because second party is not at all involved.
For modified version: Depends on person and circumstances. She might even go and talk to A and get things clarified. On the other hand, in different situation, maybe different person, she might choose not to talk to A, rather not talk about the problem. She added - if you two are mature enough, you never ignore each other completely; we tend to overlook the problem and behave as if nothing has happened. Sometimes, it is necessary to behave that way because man is a social animal.

Yet another friend at twitter said in first example he might have given up due to self esteem, or he might have just given up hope... less chances of ego. In the modified example, if A does not talk to him, he will obviously be hurt... but whether that hurt also affects his ego will depend on how much he values the friendship between A and him. There might be a different relation between B and A, I might know B from school; A might know B from some social activity. All relations are different, so you cannot compare them.

I was still thinking –

If we say that self – respect and ego are subjective and dependent on circumstances and, the thin line shifting accordingly, is it not true that both self – respect and ego are just perceptions?
I asked a few questions to a good friend by email. The conversation is as follows:

1. According to you, are self - respect and Ego two sides of the same coin or they are the continuation of a line. As in, one ends and the other begins?

I think they are not necessarily related. Ego is just a term to describe a psychological concept, whereas self-respect has more to do with ideals and character.

2. If latter, do you agree that there is a very thin line of differentiation between the two?

I think, in fact, sometimes they can be opposite.

3. Do you agree that the line is ever shifting?

No.

4. How would you differentiate the two? Define the fibers of the thin line ...

See number one. Ego is merely a concept, yet unproven that it exists at all. Ego could be another term for self-centerdness, in which case ego would not be a good thing. However, self-respect is always good because it is something everyone should endeavour towards, and allows us to also respect others.

5. What is self respect for you might be Ego for someone else, so do you believe that it is subjective?

Possibly, since ego is merely a concept and not a proven fact. Therefore, ego is probably open to interpretation.

6. What is self respect in particular situation is Ego in another, so do you believe that it is situational?

Possibly, See number 5.

7. If the above two points are true, then ... can we say that Self- respect and Ego are nothing but just perspectives?

Ego could perhaps be perspective, but self-respect is not.

8. Let us talk about an example: You are friends with someone ... say A. Just friends ... a little more than acquaintance and less than good friends. You both communicate with each other on regular basis. All of a sudden A decides to stay aloof. Has nothing to do with you or the topics you discuss. You try to strike a conversation, it is neglected. You try for some time and then give up. Now, this giving up, is self - respect or Ego?

It depends why you do it. If you stop talking to the person because you don't want to waste his/her time and yours, and because you don't push yourself on others, that is self-respect. If you stop talking to the person because of self-centerdness and ill-directed pride, then it is possibly ego.

9. Modification in point 8: B is a common friend to both of you. You three meet at a party. This is sudden, not decide. A talks to B but ignores you. How will you react to this? And, would this reaction be your self - respect or Ego?

I really wouldn't care. I have plenty of friends, so I don't care if someone doesn't want to be friendly with me. I also don't begrudge others friendships. We are all different, and cannot be liked by everyone, nor should we expect to be. In my opinion, my reaction would be based neither upon self-respect or ego, but upon common sense.

10. If after a few weeks, A decides to talk to you, how would you react? If you choose to ignore A, would that be your self-respect or Ego?

Again, I wouldn't care either way. If I thought we had something in common, I would perhaps interact with A. If I thought A were being manipulative, I probably would avoid A. That is because I try to avoid drama. Again, that would neither be self-respect nor ego, but prudence.

To all the friends to whom I did not ask the last question, please think about it and send in your answers or just leave a comment here.

If I am asked the last question, I would say it would depend. Subjective and Conditional! I might not talk to that person, might talk to that person but my future actions would be biased or I might talk to that person totally forgetting what had happened.

There are a few topics, which are too complex to fit into solid blocks of thinking. You cannot be sure that you will react to a particular situation in a particular manner every time. Think about this –
You have read this post, managed to reach here without feeling sleepy, you are obviously asking these questions to yourself. You will take your time to come up with an answer.
But –
If life throws such circumstances your way, would you really think and take a decision, or react? Would you even think once, forget twice, before severing your contacts with A? Especially if you are thrown in together as in modified version?
Would you not react spontaneously?
Would you ask yourself, behaving in what manner would be your self – respect or your ego?
Like one of my friends says, “We are humans we are not conditioned to think normally, but give in to our emotions. If you go by emotions and react instantly, there is a very high chance that it is ego. I doubt there'd be many people who'd think through this whole situation before hand, and prepare a response for it or even wait to think and then react”

Now, you think! Take your own time and leave your views in comment section :)

Ok, last but not the least: An interesting article written by a friend few years ago.

Silent Moments With Dad...

2009-10-19T03:37:00.016+05:30

I had written this post during the earlier days of Blogging. I found it in my file and just felt like posting it again ...

There is no limit to reminiscing. You cannot really predict how far you can go in your past when you are nostalgic and usually the triggering factor is disguised in the simplest of forms. My dad and I have spent very few silent moments together. Most of the times we are either quarrelling or making fun of each other or irritating mother by making fun of her. I have gone through all sorts of emotions when dealing with dad. I have loved him, hated him, fought with him, cared for him, got angry on him, snuggled close to him, respected him, feared him, cried because of him and even made him cry. I still remember that day, many a years ago, when dad had cried because of me. Not that I had done or said anything to hurt him [at least not that day]. He had cried because he had read a poem I had written for him in which I have mentioned about growing up into a woman and expressed the fear of getting married some day and being separated from him. My brother had asked me what I had said to him to make him cry. I was astonished because I had not seen him cry. My brother had seen him cry because he was walking past dads’ room when dad was allowing feelings to flow unbounded from his eyes. My dad is a man who does not like to expose the emotional part of his personality.

After I came to know about this incident I walked to dads’ room. He looked up and smiled. The tears were behind the veil by now. He handed over the paper to me on which I had written the poem and which I had kept on the desk by mistake. I never intended to give it to him. It was my personal feeling, my secret but because of that I came to know dads’ secret that though he presented himself as a tough guy from outside, from inside he was a soft person who was susceptible to emotional disturbances just like I was or mom was. I will remember this silent moment for the rest of my life.

Another silent moment, which I would cherish forever, took place few years ago when dad, mom and I had gone to Matheran for a short vacation. We explored the various points and were tired. I am prone to acidity problems and because of that I was having severe headache. I had already puked two-three times and it seemed as if thousands of elephants were dancing on my head. [OK! I know I am exaggerating!! But I was really feeling sick. I hope you got the rough idea of severity by now] I had taken a tablet for acidity and also a painkiller. I was about to throw myself on the bed when dad insisted that we go for a walk. I gave him a look of “How in the world could you think that I am capable enough to go on a walk with you?” But when dad has made up his mind, there is no changing it. He dragged me out of the room and told mom that we would be back in half an hour. I started walking towards the regular path we had taken past two days to visit the various points but he held my hand and made me walk in opposite direction. I was in no mood to question anything and followed his footsteps. It was evening time and the soft breeze tickled my skin. We both walked for some time without saying a word. It was obvious that dad had discovered this path during one of his solitary walks because he knew where he was going.

With my head on the verge of bursting open and legs on way of giving up I managed to look around the place. There was no one on the road, just dad and me. It was so peaceful and all of a sudden I felt that nature was infusing strength in me. I was enjoying the moment and dad was enjoying it too. Slowly the headache seemed to subside. We walked to the nearby park and sat on a bench.

The sun had bid farewell to my part of the world and the moon was already smiling. It was very quiet and even a whisper was loud enough to be heard by a person few feet away from us [It is another story that there was no one around] Dad said, “Tell me when your headache vanishes so that we can go back.” He did not know that it had already vanished the moment we entered the park but I did not wish to return. I could not believe that a little more than half an hour before I had not wished to move out of the room and now I was unwilling to go back. We sat there, silently. Then we returned back to the room. What was supposed to be a walk of half an hour turned out to be a walk of 2 hours! That day dad taught me two lessons ~

Nature is the best medicine
Silence speaks loud enough for two hearts to hear.

Poems related to this post:

Of Love And The Woods

I still remember,
my walk with him in the woods
Where silence soothes the aching heart
Where the birds sing their love song
Where dried leaves crushed under the feet
Make music and not merely sound.

I still remember,
my walk with him in the woods
When he held my hand
And I was assured, I would never be alone
Where time had stood still
As we sat, enjoying each other's company.

I still remember,
my walk with him in the woods
When I saw the other side of Dad
When I rediscovered that I loved him
perhaps a little more than I admit-
When nature was the soothing balm
for all the aches I carried within.

Addition:

The woods waits for us to visit again,
we might find time out of busy schedule;
and go there, just the two of us,
walk the same road, we had walked years ago ...
But -
Would we be the same, as we were .. then?

Some more Diwali special pics

2009-10-17T21:12:00.006+05:30

Rangoli

2009-10-17T05:58:00.003+05:30

Love Hurts

2009-10-17T00:47:00.003+05:30

I was ready to sacrifice anything to be with the guy I secretly admired during my Junior college days even if it meant giving up my most favorite food. He was in the same class but I was a nonentity to him or even anyone else in the class. Hardly anyone knew my name. On the other hand, he was famous and everyone knew his name! He was good in sports, he was good in studies and most importantly he was handsome. Anybody could fall in love with him and I was no exception. It was different that most of the girls in the class managed to get a place next to him, managed to feel his arm on their waist but as far as I was concerned I shivered even if he brushed against my skin by mistake while walking in the corridor.

It was I who wore specs but he must have had poor vision for he failed to see how his presence affected me. A little more than a few minutes in his presence, would have meant a call to the emergency medical service team to resuscitate me. Even as this thought came to my mind I fantasized about him giving me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Coming back to the senses I almost always found out that he was not there anymore perhaps because he did not want to be seen standing next to me. Whenever I saw him he was with a different girl. Did he crack jokes or was acting like a joker, I did not know but the girls who were with him were always heard giggling! Putting back my specs in proper position on my flat nose I used to walk back home and bury myself into huge books as soon as I entered my room. My parents too, never understood what was wrong with me because almost everything was wrong! The mirror on the wall was tired of me staring back at my ugly reflection fantasizing being kissed by him.

There was only one right thing about me and that was my ability to pen down my feelings but that too ran off to you-will-never-find-me land when I decided to write him a love letter. What would I have written? I am such and such a girl from your class you always fail to notice. I am ugly, wear specs, I am over-weight and I tie my hair in a ponytail but I am madly in love with you. Please marry me!
So I decided to try something else. I decided to write poems, which was easy for me.
On one of those days when a girl feels really lonely, I was sitting in the class attending the most boring lecture of my life and he was busy discussing something really important with the girl sitting next to him. He whispered something in her ears and she blushed. I nearly crushed the pencil I was holding in my hand.
I took out a blank paper from my assignment file and wrote a poem;

Love Hurts

I never knew before ... Till the day I met you
Love hurts, still it's pleasure loving you.
I spend my nights thinking of you
I cry because I long to see you
Love hurts; still I love to wait to see you
My morning begins with a hope to meet you
I rush through my schedule to be there with you
Love hurts; still I can do anything to be with you
As I see you, my joy knows no bounds
But you are with someone else
Love hurts; still I can fight with the world for you
I have done everything to be there with you
But you just don't seem to see me around you
Love hurts, it really does
To know that you are nothing for the one...
Who is everything for you!
Love hurts and I am hurt too,
It hurts more to know that it's the hurt caused by you.

I never knew that the lecture was over and students were walking out of the class. Before I knew what was happening a guy came like a hurricane and pulled the paper out of my hand and started waving it in air as if he wanted the entire world to know that my little heart was breaking into pieces. I struggled hard to take the paper from his hand but damn my height! The tip of my middle finger did not even reach his chest even when I was on the tip of my great toe. Finally my poor great toe succumbed to my weight and I was about to fall when strong arms wrapped around my waist to hold me in place. I looked at the owner of the arms and they belonged to none other than my prince charming! I heard music being played in some corner of my mind and I saw my self clad in white walking the aisle with him. By this time he had taken the paper out of the other guy’s hand and was reading it. When I realized what had just happened I started sweating! Finally he was going to know that I was the most stupid person on this earth in love with the most handsome guy!

I was about to snatch the paper out his hand but the words that came out his mouth mesmerized me! He said he loved the poem and asked whether it was for him. Like a dummy, I said yes! There was a surprised look on his face and he asked me as to why I loved him. Because you are handsome, I wanted to say but I blurted, “Because I admire the real person inside you!” He handed over the paper to me, smiled and walked away. That was it! The end! Period! End of my love story. The castle I had built in air, in which we were going to spend the rest of our lives together living happily ever after, came crushing down on my ugly head!
I tore the paper and put it inside my bag. I feared that other guys of the class might put the pieces back in place and laugh at what I had written.
When I reached home I walked straight to the bathroom where I spent a little more than an hour crying and cursing the mirror for showing me the dream that was not meant to come true and I think I saw the mirror laughing back at me.

The next day I did not feel like going to college and since my parents would have kicked me out anyways, I walked there on my own. I decided to spend time in the canteen in some corner where no one would recognize me. I did not feel like attending lectures. I was surprised when I saw a guy coming my way. And my heart started beating faster when I saw who the guy was. He came and sat on the chair next to me and asked me if I would like to have coffee with him. For a moment I felt as if my heart leaped out of my chest! I was staring at him and he was waiting for an answer. Finally I mumbled, “Yeah sure why not!” He stood up and waited for me to do the same. Were we not supposed to have coffee? “Let’s us go somewhere else”, he said and stretched out his hand. I slipped my hand in his, got up and walked out with him. I could feel numerous jealous eyes following us!

He took me to the nearby Café coffee day and we had coffee. I could not believe that he had just asked me out!
“No one has ever said what you told me yesterday. Girls have always liked to be in my company because I am rich, I entertain them, spend money on them and I am handsome. But no one has ever said that she loves me because of what I really am. I had been watching you past few days and something in you amused me. I wanted to know you, wanted to talk to you but I realized that you are a very shy girl. Can we be friends, Arti?”

Oh! So he knew my name! I nearly fainted on knowing that and would have died then and there because of cardiac arrest if he had said anything further. But may be God wanted me to live because he did not say anything. The date was of longer duration than I had expected it to be. After coffee we walked and talked. I was awestruck so he did most of the talking. He told me about his life, his parents and how much they loved him and that moment I knew why he was searching for love from the outside. The best in me came out without even me realizing it. I held his hand and smiled. He smiled back and my heart skipped a beat. We spent some time in the nearby park and when it grew darker he offered to drop me home.
When we reached home I was nervous because as much as I knew about him, he was known to flirt around with girls so I assumed that he would kiss me goodnight and even if I fantasized about it I was not ready for it. Instead of doing anything of this sort he just said goodnight and left.

Back in my bedroom, I saw the mirror smiling back at me or was I smiling at it? Whatever, I was happy and that is what mattered. I liked the way he treated me … like a perfect gentleman would. He did not try to get awkwardly close to me and I admired that. That night I could not sleep well because I kept thinking of him.
The next day in the college when we came across each other he just smiled and walked away. Was he the same guy I had spent time with yesterday? I asked myself. He sat next to another girl during the lecture and behaved his normal self whispering into the girl’s ears. A big flirt, I cursed him.
After college as I was walking to my bus-stop he stopped his bike in front of me, which meant he wanted me to take the lift he was offering but I continued walking. He followed me and finally I sat on his bike. When we were alone at sea-shore he told me the reason for ignoring me in college. He said he did not want anyone to see me with him more than once because his reputation was that of a flirt. He did not want me to be counted amongst the numerous girls he had dated before because he thought I was special. I am not sure whether he saw that, but my face was red like a tomato!

This time he asked me about myself and to my surprise I found myself talking. I told him about my parents, my life on the whole and about my future plans. After that we both stared towards the horizon and saw the sun romancing with the sea. On way back home he dropped me few lanes before my house so that no one could see me coming with him on his bike.

Even this time it was a simple good night. We met many times after that, every time it was after college and away from the prying eyes. People around us stared as us and laughed seeing the weird pair that we were. But he was not concerned about it. I, myself, felt embarrassed and started dieting and exercising to reduce my weight. There was slow but sure progress and he noticed that but never mentioned.

End of college did not mean end of our friendship. We met on a regular basis in spite of our busy schedules. Days turned to weeks and weeks to months but I was having trouble getting admission into a medical course. He acquired admission to engineering quite easily, not because he was rich but because of his results. He used his influence to get me admission to a medical school.
Our friendship grew stronger over the months and it was routine to meet and share the
happenings of the day. As days went by, I realized that he was not what I thought he was! Yes, I admit he was handsome but that was not it. He was a wonderful human being. I finally found out that I was infatuated towards the handsome guy he was, but now things were different. I loved him for what he really was. I knew him now, more than I thought I would know. He opened himself in front of me like an open diary for me to read. As each page of the diary turned I admired him more until I reached a stage of no-return. I was deeply in love with him. But a thought nudged the back of my mind. He was handsome and I was ugly. He was tall and I was short. He was slim and I was fat. Someone truly said - opposites attract!

As far as he was concerned I was only a friend for him. He never crossed his limits. One night when he dropped me home, I took the initiative and kissed him on the cheek. As I turned to go I saw a strange glow in his eyes. The next few days he did not contact me or attend to my calls. I waited for him at our meeting spot but he did not come. I walked to the sea-shore but he was not there too. I missed him and I felt I had lost him. I made a mistake by kissing him that night. I had lost a friend because of that.
Finally after a week or so, I spotted him waiting for me at the bus-stop. I walked towards our meeting place and he followed. We had coffee together but he was silent for a long time and I was trying to find words to talk. Finally he broke the silence. “Let’s go to the sea”, he said and got up. I followed him and we reached the sea-shore. As we stood there holding hands, all of a sudden he said, “I love you Arti” and I just stared at him. I mean, I wanted him to say that since a long time but I was surprised that he said it. Who would love an ugly person? He had the answer. He told me how much my friendship meant to him and how much help I offered by just listening to him. He had admired me for the patience I showed while listening to him and he loved me for understanding him. Now, he loved me for what I was! I did not know what to say. I just looked at him and smiled and he got his answer. I had taken care of the weight but the fact that I was not beautiful still troubled my mind. That night he showed me what all the mirrors of the world could never show. He showed me in the mirror of his eyes how beautiful I was. When we reached our departing spot he came closer to me and kissed me on my lips. As we kissed passionately I forgot all the differences and gave in to his immense love for me. I kissed him with all my love and when we moved back he stared into my eyes and it was then that I saw how beautiful I was.

Today as I slide into bed next to him and kiss him goodnight I still see the same love in his eyes and I realize once again that I am beautiful! When we married, people might have laughed at the weird couple we were but we both know that we are made for each other. When he takes me in his arms and kisses me, all the differences cease to exist and only the fact remains that we love each other for what we are.

Fiction

Let There Be Light

2009-10-15T19:13:00.008+05:30

Straight From The Heart wishes all of its readers A very Happy and Safe Diwali and a Prosperous New Year ahead.
Let there be Light ~ of wisdom, let there be smiles, let there be contentment and happiness in the heart of all.

I do not believe in burning crackers, but let that not stop me from letting the little children enjoy burning crackers (obviously under supervision of their parents / guardians / elders). The smile on their face when they burn crackers is far more important and meaningful than my dislike for all the noise and air pollution.

Let children have their share of excitement, just for a while.

God Bless All

This one is clicked w/o flash.

Life...

2009-10-14T05:55:00.007+05:30

I found this written in my journal. Entry dated 12.10.2003

Life…
I keep on telling myself :-
Life is not as easy as its spelling!
So true! But one more fact is that it does spell out its complexity…
Life is sometimes Lovely when things are going our way, when everything around us is so colorful! When things don’t go our way for a few times, it becomes Irritating. We lose our temper on petty issues. When we feel we cannot solve problems we try to elude them. Sort of try to make them a part of us, just as cancer cells growing amidst the normal cells. We know it’s going to proliferate but we are astonished to see the speed with which the problems proliferate. When situation goes out of our hands, we stop pulling our hair instead we scratch our skin. That’s when life becomes Frustrating. We find ourselves to be direction-less, hopeless and without any strength to carry on. A time comes when we step forward to begin the journey in search of Euthanasia.

But –We still have a long way to go before our wish is granted. Life is like a cycle. It keeps turning… L and then I then F then half-expected E. But when we are close to another component of E, that is Excruciating pain, we find the wheel turning back to where it all started. Life becomes Lovely.
A man is a man and not God (Governor Of Death)
So unless He wants us to, we cannot put an end to the cycle of Life.We have to live life as it comes. Simple or complex, perhaps depends upon our way of looking at it. A prisoner waiting in custody for a death sentence or a dove flapping its wings to fly, whichever way you look at it…

The Ultimate Truth is Freedom.

In Search Of Words...

2009-10-13T01:21:00.004+05:30

I stayed awake the whole night,
I searched for them in the stars
I walked all the way to the lake,
I searched for them in the water…
WORDS as they call it,
I searched everywhere I could think of…
I opened the dictionary and looked for them,
I searched for them under the pillow…
I simply could not find them.

WORDS, I needed them
To complete the incomplete love poem he had written for me
WORDS, which could tell him –
That I feel the same way he feels for me
I searched for them in his eyes,
I looked into the mirror and scanned my eyes for them,
I opened his letter and read what he wrote,
I tried to frame sentences -
Similar to those, which he had written,
But I could not write anything other than "Lovingly yours!"

I slipped the letter in his letterbox
And waited behind the bushes;
I saw him walking towards the letterbox –
Opening it and taking out the letter
He opened it and read,
And his lips curved into a smile…

I knew it! I knew he would understand everything.

Reality-Check

2009-10-10T04:18:00.003+05:30

The sound of machinery was deafening and it caused her pain as it vibrated in her ears though the prayer room in which she was seated was silent. The silence was deafening and memories flooded her mind. The prayer room failed to offer peace to her troubled mind. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she silently knelt down praying for the life of the only man in her life.

The agonizing sound of machinery crushing the bones of a man’s forearm was heart-wrenching even today. Her white T - shirt was stained with blood of her son. On one hand she prayed for the life of her son who was being treated by the doctors and on other hand she thought about the man she had once loved. The man, whom she thought she had forgotten. But today, as he stood in front of her she came face to face with the fact that nothing had changed since the last time she had met him. She still felt the same way for him as she had done years ago.
She was weary of thinking about the consequences of this meeting. The past was right in front of her waiting to be a part of her present making the future uncertain.

There was a sound of the door being opened and as she turned she saw the doctor standing behind her. The look on his face was as if he had won a battle. Yes, it was a battle, her son’s battle against death. She wiped her tears and got up. The doctor told her that her son was now out of danger but still unconscious and if she wished she could see him.

She was very desperate to run to her son and embrace him but at the same time she was reluctant to face the man standing outside. She had faced him initially for a shorter time before now but circumstances were different then. At that time she was carrying her six year old son in her arms and was running towards the hospital. This man had stopped his car to give her the lift. Once in the hospital she had not even looked back at him to say thanks. He would understand that she was not in the frame of mind to talk to him but now her son being out of danger, things were different and he was bound to shoot questions at her she did not have answers for, or maybe she did not wish to answer.

She had forgotten that the doctor was still staring at her. The moment she stepped out of the prayer room her eyes involuntarily searched for him. He was not around. She thanked God.
She followed the doctor to the room where her son lay unconscious. The accident was the result of her carelessness; she blamed herself as she sat next to him and took his hand in hers.

Pages of her life turned back to the day when she had seen Roger for the first time. Roger was tall, dark and handsome and worked in her father’s factory and when she saw him for the first time she was attracted to him. As she spent time in her father’s office waiting for him to complete his work she would secretly stare out of the window from where she could see Roger working. Days turned to weeks and weeks to months and finally one day Catherine decided to go and talk to him. As she walked out of her father’s office she heard someone whisper “Mom”! When Alex moved his hand out of her grip she came out of her reverie and realized that Alex was staring at her.
“Mom”
“sshh” she placed a finger on his lips and moved her hand through his hair and Alex closed his eyes again. She stared at him for a long time, still moving her fingers through his hair, he’d told her he liked it when she did this and she was sure Alex would like it too. She sighed when she realized what she was thinking. She felt ashamed of herself for thinking about Roger as she sat next to her wounded son. After so many years, she still could not get over what had happened. Alex slept and she walked out of the room, the moment she stepped out she saw him.
“Oh shucks” she exclaimed. She was not ready to face him, she would never be.
He started walking towards her, locking his eyes with hers. He wanted answers, she knew it.

“Hi”
He turned around to look at her.
“I am Catherine”
“Roger” he said shaking hands with her.
“What are you doing tonight?”

That was how it had started. They had gone out for dinner after Roger had finished his shift. Catherine loved visiting her father’s office because she got to meet Roger and stare at him for hours as he worked. At times Roger would glance at her and she would send him a flying kiss.
There were times when they managed to find a secluded corner in the factory and allow their lips to join together in a kiss. Catherine enjoyed those moments more than anything and she loved to disturb him as he worked.
One day as she entered the factory she signalled him to come to her and before anyone knew what was happening Roger’s hand was caught in the machine.
The alarm echoed throughout the factory, the machine was switched off and everyone including Catherine ran towards Roger.

“Why”
The question brought her back to the present. Her vision blurred because of the tears. She looked through the teary eyes and could see Roger standing close to her.
“I had no choice” she blurted. She had decided not to say that.
He laughed sarcastically.
She glanced at his hands. He was wearing gloves. Roger followed her gaze and then removed the right glove to show her the artificial hand. She closed her eyes; she did not want to see it.

“I hate you” she heard him say.
She looked at him through teary eyes and a tear-drop rolled on to her cheek.
He sat next to her, kept his mobile on the bench and opened his wallet. He took out a worn-out paper and handed it to her to read.
She knew the handwriting well.
It was the note she had written to Roger before walking out of his life. There was no need for her to read it, there was nothing written in it except one word – BYE.
She continued staring at the floor. The silence was deafening, once again. She wanted to hide, wanted to run away from this man. He was suffocating her.

“Is he my son?” the question took her by surprise.
“No” she replied. He seemed relaxed.
She was confused.
He smiled, got up and walked away.
The mobile on the bench sprung to life. A new text message, which read
“Honey, when are you coming home?”

**********

Cobwebs Of The Mind 2

2009-10-09T06:59:00.003+05:30

Cobwebs Of The Mind - 1

He knew that Vishakha felt the same for him as he did for her. But there was still a lot to overcome. There were a few barriers waiting to be shed and he was going to help her shed them. He had convinced himself several times that it was not meant to be and that his love for Vishakha was nothing but mere infatuation, but every time he thought so he was more in love with her. It had never happened to him before. Never had he felt like this but today it was different.

Perhaps it was wrong to get involved with Vishakha but he was ready to take the chance and face the consequences. He did not realize that Vishakha had turned around and was staring at him as he was deep in thoughts. When he saw her looking at him he turned around to go. He had almost reached the door when Vishakha called from behind “You are leaving? Has it got anything to do with what happened some time ago? Vishaal I never meant to…” She still had to complete her sentence but before that she felt the wetness of his lips on hers. That moment Vishakha forgot everything, she was only a woman who needed to be loved. She responded to the kiss and as they kissed she held him in her arms. Vishaal placed his hand on her waist and slowly started moving upwards. He had almost reached her breast when something stopped him from going further. He moved back. He looked at Vishakha, she had closed her eyes and her lips were parted perhaps still savoring the flavor of his kiss but when she realized he had stopped she opened her eyes. Vishaal shook his head and walked out of the door. As the door closed Vishakha collapsed on the floor and began crying.

The next few days she did not see him at the sea-shore though she desperately wanted to meet him and talk. She had done a lot of thinking after Vishaal had left her house that night and had felt that perhaps they were hurrying into the relationship and she needed more time. What did she know about him? Nothing! But she felt that it was already too late to move back. The thought lingered somewhere at the back of her mind, or was it her heart! She had to admit that she was in love. In love with a new man she hardly knew. This was the second time she was falling in love in a short span of time. Was she repeating her mistake? She turned around to go and had almost banged into a man who was standing behind her. She looked at him as Vishaal placed his hand on her shoulders. He had been watching her secretly for a few days as she waited for him at their regular meeting spot. Today he had to confront her and tell her that he was not supposed to love her.
But the look in Vishakha’s eyes stopped him from saying anything. Then the unexpected happened! She embraced him in the middle of the road. He wanted to push her back but instead he wrapped his arms around her. It was more like a man trying to calm down a scared and insecure child. He told her that they should go home and talk.

As they reached Vishakha’s house she went back to his arms. They were alone at home today as Sneha had not returned from the school. But today was not like the other day! Neither of them wanted to go further than the hug. Vishakha wanted to feel secure in his arms and Vishaal meant to give that security to her. After some time as Vishakha moved back Vishaal saw that tears were streaming down her eyes. Vishakha could not believe that the first time when she had seen Vishaal she wanted to help him but today she was the one who needed help. She wanted to talk, for her sake, for Sneha’s sake and for Vishaal’s sake and their life together. She wiped her tears and told Vishaal that she wanted to talk to him. Vishaal held her by her shoulders and made her sit on the sofa. The time had come; barriers were going to be shed. He was ready to listen.
Vishakha started talking to him in slow tone. She told him about the accident that had killed Ajay and Tanya. She told him about the impact it had on her mind. She was weeping uncontrollably when she told him how the accident had happened. Vishaal looked at her with disbelief! Finally he walked to her and embraced her. He was stroking her hair when the doorbell rang. Vishaal got up and opened the door. Sneha’s voice echoed as soon as the door was opened. All of a sudden Sneha stood still, looking at her mother who was still crying. She was unable to understand what was happening, she just ran towards Vishakha and started crying as Vishakha took her in arms. Vishaal stood at the door for some time watching them and then silently left.

Back in his study, Vishaal opened the diary and noted down the happenings of the day. He could not believe what Vishakha had told him. She had confessed that the accident, which killed Ajay and Tanya, was not an accident but a cold-blooded murder. A murder she had committed! The world was spinning faster than expected, there was definitely something wrong, Vishaal had told himself that moment but the explanation Vishakha gave proved him wrong.

Vishakha had indeed killed her husband and sister. Sneha was still crying in her arms but Vishakha’s tears had stopped rolling. She was the kind of woman who cried from the inside but today could not stop tears from flowing. She stroked Sneha’s hair and consoled her. Vishakha remembered ~

Ajay, Vishakha and Tanya were out on vacation when the unexpected had happened. Vishakha had gone to bring groceries from the market and Ajay and Tanya were alone in the cottage they had hired to stay. Vishakha had returned earlier than expected and she had seen Ajay and Tanya together in middle of love making. She had rushed out of the cottage without disturbing them but their naked bodies engaged together as one had stayed in front of her eyes for a long time. She had not shown her anger or hurt openly but on the day when they were supposed to leave, in a fit of anger she tampered with the brakes of their car. She was of the opinion that they deserved to die even if it meant she died with them. Ajay and Tanya behaved as if nothing had happened between them and as they got into the car, Tanya sat on the backseat showing as if the seat next to Ajay was meant only for Vishakha. She smiled as she reminisced about the wonderful time she had with Ajay. Vishakha sat silently preparing herself for what was about to happen to three of them. As the car reached the highway Ajay pressed hard on the accelerator, enjoying the ride to the fullest, taking turns without slowing down unaware of what was waiting to strike. The disaster came in form of the truck speeding towards their car. Ajay hit on the brakes to avoid collision but when the brakes failed to stop the car he steered the wheel and the car took a sharp turn. It was thrown off the road and began to skid on the steep slope of the valley bouncing over the obstructions. Vishakha was not sure whether it the bouncing or her own conscious mind that saved her from going down the valley with the car. She was saved in the accident in which Ajay and Tanya had died but the accident still haunted her to this day.
Vishaal was standing at the window thinking about the happenings of the day. He found it tough to believe that Vishakha had been keeping this secret for more than a year now and this was the reason for her disturbed mind. Vishaal remembered the day when Vishakha’s parents had approached him because they were worried about their daughter. According to them she was under the false belief that they blamed her for Ajay’s death. They also added that she was very depressed since the accident but had somehow come out of it by burying her mind in her professional life until few days back on Ajay’s and Tanya’s death anniversary. She had also started to neglect her patients, which was not good for her career. They feared that if she was left alone things would worsen and hence they had decided to contact another psychiatrist. That is how Vishaal had come into the picture. Initially Vishaal had feared that Vishakha might know him because both were in same profession but she showed no signs of recognition perhaps because of the state of mind she was in. His idea to befriend her at the sea-shore had clicked and he got a chance to know more about her.

He did not intend to get involved with her but in spite of trying hard he had fallen in love with her. All his attempts had failed that night when they had kissed. Staying away from her was self-imposed punishment for him though later he realized that it was indirectly like punishing her. His decision to get back in touch had finally paid off. Vishakha had come out with the secret that was troubling her. Now, after knowing that Vishakha had committed a crime he was not sure what he was supposed to do. Should he tell her parents about the truth, or inform police about the crime or let her take the decision? He made up his mind and picked up the phone.

Vishakha was still sitting in the hall with Sneha sleeping in her lap when her phone rang. She knew who it was. She had to bring together all her will-power to not answer the call. It was true that she loved him and also knew that he did too but there was still a barrier between the two. Perhaps it was the professional barrier or maybe it was the notion about a patient falling in love with the doctor!

Vishakha had come to know the truth about Vishaal when she had tried to look into his life while trying to help him. But things were different than what she thought. He was the doctor and she was the patient. In spite of this she had let things happen, it was her fault. She had allowed him to come closer, to touch her body and touch her heart! Vishaal’s attempt to help had progressed with her unspoken permission. The fact was that she needed him. When all was said and done and the crime confessed, she no longer had the guts to confront him though indeed she truly loved him.

********

Cobwebs Of The Mind...

2009-10-07T03:00:00.005+05:30

She watched him silently from a distance as he continued smoking cigarettes one after the other using the finishing one to lit the next. He was obviously under some kind of stress. Was he meant to be her next patient? Even though there were many troubled men on the street and she was not the kind of doctor to search for patients on the road, when she saw this man she was inclined to take a peek in his mind. She was a well-known psychiatrist and was on one of her relaxing strolls though she was not aware that it would change her life forever. She was a contented person with caring parents and a lovable daughter but in the past few days stress was taking its toll. When she saw the man sitting there on the rock she immediately felt connected for reasons not known to her. She was tempted to go and talk to him but finally decided against it because knew herself that she would not like it if someone intruded her privacy. She walked away.

On reaching home, in spite of herself, her mind kept rushing to the man. She wanted to figure out what was wrong and wanted to help him! But ... why? The answer was perhaps hidden somewhere in her sub-conscious mind. The next day in her clinic, she saw the list of patients and sent them away asking them to take the repetition of the earlier course. She was not herself! She wanted to leave and so she collected her coat, walked out and went back to the sea-shore. Unknowingly she started searching for that man. She knew in her heart that he would be there, at the same place and yes … he was there. Today he seemed to be in worse condition. His hair was uncombed, he was wearing the same shirt that he wore yesterday and was smoking in similar manner! Her observation and experience told her that his mental illness was progressing. Someone had to talk to him! She prepared herself to do this. How would she introduce herself? Psychiatrist? Her qualification would make him feel biased. She preferred the more friendly approach she took in the case of most of her patients. She walked to him and said Hi. The man turned around and looked at her.

“I know it will sound weird but … Hi! I am Vishakha and I was just watching you the past few days and I realized that you are thinking deeply about something. I know it is none of my business but I would like to help you to share. Friends?”
“Hi! I saw you watching me yesterday and I am glad you came to talk to me. I am Vishaal. Friends!” saying so he extended his hand for a handshake. Vishakha had not expected the kind of response she got but at the same time was glad he was ready to talk to her.

As they walked together on the shore they properly introduced themselves, giving their family background etc. Vishakha told about her parents and daughter and when he questioned about her husband, the melancholy in her eyes was clearly seen when she said he died in a car crash. Vishaal was unmarried and his parents lived out of town. They were old and he was worried for them. There was something more than this, Vishakha was sure, but kept her thoughts to herself. She knew one day he would come out with his problem. Then perhaps she would try to help him. With either words or medicine!
When Vishakha returned home, to her surprise, she was feeling much at ease compared to the past few days. Since the death of her husband and sister in a car crash life had become miserable for her, she thought she had come out of it until a few days back when the memories struck again on their death anniversary. Vishakha walked to the bathroom, removed her clothes and stood under the shower and let the warm water soothe her body.

On the other hand Vishaal was smiling to himself as he reached his house and spread out on his couch. He was surprised that Vishakha had approached him like this but he had to admit, he liked it.

Days went by and the two kept meeting at the same place and talked as they walked along the shore. A stranger watching them would have mistaken them as couple but there was an invisible barrier in between the two. Perhaps it was Vishakha’s profession or maybe her late husband. Many a time Vishakha felt like a teenager in love for the first time. She could not believe her own heart, the way it beat when with Vishaal. Perhaps they were meant to meet and take away each other’s loneliness.
There was a change in Vishakha’s attitude towards life. She dealt with her patients with much concentration and made some changes in the course of medication for a few. Most of the evenings of her life were now spent at the sea-shore talking to Vishaal, as they walked together. The invisible barrier was slowly and steadily breaking down.
This time when they met they held hands.
A little more than a year to the death of her husband she had loved with all her heart and it was difficult for Vishakha to believe that she was falling in love again. But that was the irony of life, unexpected things always happened.

As far as Vishaal was concerned he still felt a little biased towards Vishakha. He had to admit that he wanted to hold her close more than anything else, but there was something about her that was bothersome. Something that was unspoken, something that was always between them! Perhaps the unspoken something was about her husband. He had never married because the right girl had never come in his life but after spending time with Vishakha he had to admit that the right girl had finally come though a little late for both of them. Was there any chance for them to come together? He fantasized about her as he lay on the couch. Her innocent eyes always fascinated him. Her figure perfectly veiled the fact that she had a 6 year old daughter. He did not want to hurry into the relationship because one wrong move could spoil everything. He did not want to lose a person like her. Her external appearance did affect him but more than that he liked the inner innocent and tender child in her. He got up from the couch and walked to his study. Took out his diary and wrote something.

As Vishakha changed into her nightgown she thought about Vishaal and a smiled crossed her face. Her reverie was broken by her daughter’s voice boomeranging in the room. Vishakha turned around as she buttoned her gown and almost immediately the 6 year old monster leaped on her. The mother and the daughter tightly hugged each other for some time and the little girl started talking. Sneha’s life was restricted to her mother and grandparents. She was an introvert and the death of her father had further enveloped her in her own world. But when she was with her mother she was energetic as ever! Vishakha put Sneha on the bed and stroked her hair. Love for her daughter shone brightly in Vishakha’s eyes. Vishakha made her sleep and kissed her goodnight. Almost immediately Sneha drifted into sweet slumber. After her husband’s death Sneha was the only joy left in Vishakha’s life. Vishakha’s parents cared for her but Ajay’s death had left a strange impact on their mind. She felt as if somehow they blamed her for their son-in-law’s death. Vishakha shook her head and walked out of the room. In spite of trying several times, Vishakha could never forget that accident, in which she was miraculously saved but Ajay and her sister Tanya had died.

The fresh air of the balcony helped to soothe the ache in her heart. Vishakha wanted to get out of the house and go for a night-walk but Sneha was alone at home as her parents had gone out of town for a few days. As she casually looked across the street she saw a man smiling at her. On looking closer she realized that the man was none other than Vishaal. She waved and asked him to come up. She turned around to open the door for him. He was already waiting for her when she opened the door. It meant he must have climbed two-three steps at a time to reach her flat. What was the hurry? Vishakha wondered. As he was seated and relaxed she asked him the reason for coming to see her at night. He simply answered that he could not sleep and wanted to talk to her. Vishakha sat next to him on the sofa and placed her hand on his.
“Tell me Vishaal, what is bothering you?” she said
Almost immediately Vishaal held her hand in his and said, “I don’t know what is wrong but I just needed to see you.”
Vishakha spotted a strange look in his eyes and before she knew what she was doing she moved closer to him and had almost placed her lips on his when she heard Sneha calling her from the bedroom. Vishakha got up and walked to the bedroom. As she put Sneha back to sleep Vishaal stood at the door and watched Vishakha.

... to be continued

Recording of "Music" of the rain

2009-10-06T05:03:00.015+05:30

I received a few complaints that the audio does not load :( please use download link till I fix this...

It was raining heavily some time back and I managed to record the sound ... or should I say "Music" of the rain along with the Thunderings! Believe me, the original sound's too awesome.
This is just what my I-pod's ( MP4 player's ) recorder could record for me and I am sharing it with you all.

Download: Music of Rain - 1 MB

Also, check out these poems on rain :)
1. Music Of The Rain
2. Monsoon

Illusion

2009-10-02T23:58:00.019+05:30

She was an old friend; long treasured in the scrapbooks of life… yellowed over the tides of time. But seeing her, I was stunned. I met her after days, or was it years? She looked so different! Her eyes sunk deep into the sockets as if something was sucking them in. Her once inflated cheeks were flat as a balloon pierced with a pin. The ‘pin’ of fate, perhaps.

The place where we met and the circumstances made it difficult for me to stand and talk to her. I had gone for a movie with Vishaal and there she was standing at the multiplex gate waiting for her husband to join her. We exchanged a few words and as Vishaal walked inside after showing our tickets, I quickly gave her my visiting card. My sixth sense told me that perhaps we wouldn’t be meeting inside the theatre. As the automated stairs glided up, I looked back at her. It seemed as if she really wanted to talk or she would have looked outside, as she was waiting for her husband to come. But the unspoken words were lost in the din around us. That very moment I was tempted to turn around but as if reading my mind Vishaal put an arm around my waist and held me close.

She turned to look outside when I reached the hall. I could not stop thinking about her. What had life done to her? She seemed like a shadow of the effervescent Tanya I knew in college. Had it something to do with her marriage? Was her husband disloyal to her? Or was it because of family problems? Numerous questions clogged my mind and I was not able to concentrate on the movie. Finally I gave up and rested my head on Vishaal’s shoulder, trying to come back to the ‘reels’ of life.

During the intermission I unknowingly searched for her but she was not there. Something I had expected already. I assumed that her husband had not turned up and she had left. I was glad that I had given her my number but having not taken hers, I had to now wait for her call.

For the rest of the day the attention I received from Vishaal put any thoughts of hers out of my mind. When we reached home, Vishaal kissed me goodnight, and the moment I saw him turn and walk away a strange fear gripped me. What did I fear? I did not know but I called out to Vishaal, walked towards him and gave him a tight hug. As he wrapped his protective arms around me I felt relieved.

Once inside my room the happenings of the day flooded back. Tanya had been the life of our class. She was always cheerful, smiling, making people laugh. Anyone who knew her would not believe that the girl at the multiplex today was she. Being a close friend I knew that she loved a guy from our class but she never had the courage to go and tell him. As I changed for the night, my mobile beeped, I knew it was Vishaal’s goodnight message. He did it every night. After replying back, I thought of Tanya once again. She loved that guy very dearly and I assumed that he had a part to play in what Tanya was today. Life had taken us on different trajectories, kept us too busy. We lost touch and I was not sure what had happened in the matters of her heart. Perhaps she never told him… perhaps she married a guy her parents had chosen and she was not happy; her husband was not loyal to her. The su-do-ku of her life seemed puzzling.

The next few days I waited for her call but it never came. Then, as days went by I became busy in my work and forgot about her till one day she called. The call, as well as her voice, was a pleasant surprise. She was once again the effervescent girl I had known! What had happened in these few days? What had catalyzed this change? I was eager to know!

We decided to meet at Bandstand - Bandra, place we used to meet during college. I reached the spot on time and found her already there. The glow on her face was warming. There was a man sitting next to her. Must be her husband, I assumed. It meant that things had worked out between them.
She gave a broad smile when she saw me coming. She introduced her companion as a friend. Now, what was happening? I could not put two and two together.

What she told me during the conversation came as a surprise. I had not imagined that such a thing might have happened to her. But, as they say, all’s well that ends well! I was happy for her. After going through so much in life she deserved to be happy. We chatted over pizzas, catching up for ol’ times sake! I was glad that she had worked things out. I would have felt guilty all my life having not been there for her when she needed me. It was a fact actually. I was more interested in watching the movie with Vishaal, the other day.
As we got up she gave me a tight hug and whispered, Thanks. What did she thank me for? What had I done to help her? She explained that seeing me at the multiplex had somehow infused confidence in her to take the decision. She also added that she admired me since college because I had been a decision-maker.

On the way back home, I thought about what she had told me. She was finally getting divorced from her husband who was none other than the guy she had loved in college. She had proposed after college; marrying him against the will of her parents. It was like a dream come true but within a few months it turned sour. Her husband was not the man she had loved once. The mask had finally slipped off when she caught him red-handed with another woman. The man who had accompanied her to the café had helped her to come out of the mess that her life was in. He was the friend in need. From what I gathered from his looks and his actions towards Tanya, he truly loved her. Perhaps she did too. But they did not want to hurry into any kind of commitment and I admired that. After all emotions too need the tides of time to germinate...

Her decision to marry the guy she loved had been a hasty call and I must admit that she was lucky that life had given her a second chance. And … the very next moment I thought of Vishaal.
When I met Vishaal and he moved to kiss me, I involuntarily stepped back.

(fiction)

New Beginning - 5

2009-09-29T00:06:00.004+05:30

New Beginning - 1 | New Beginning - 2 | New Beginning - 3 | New Beginning - 4

Anita was silent. She would tell him when he returned. There was something else she wanted to talk to him about. This was not the first time she was going out of town for work. She also knew that Sameer was a decent man and he would not take undue advantage of being alone with Grishma, but something bothered her. She was feeling bad about having to go away from Sameer. Strangely, she envied Grishma for being able to spend more time with Sameer while she had to go out for work.
When Sameer returned she told him that she was going out of town for a few weeks but she did not get the chance to talk much.

The next morning Anita woke up early. As she walked to the living room she saw that Sameer was still sleeping. She stared at him for some time. She did not believe that it was happening to her. She could not believe that someone could influence her like this. She could not believe that she was in love with Sameer. Sameer, out of all the people! How much did she know him? What did she know about him other than that he was an Obstetrician who was not practicing anymore for his personal reasons, that is what he had told her! Oh yes, she also knew that he was a good cook. Was all that enough to fall in love with him? She thought. Perhaps it was not, perhaps it was. Whatever, it did not change the way she felt about him. She had felt it when she had seen him for the first time. She had felt the connection when she had seen him staring blankly towards a wall as they stood outside Grishma’s room. She knew that Sameer was struggling to come out of his past and she knew that she would bring him out of it.
“What happened?” Sameer said sitting up.

She came out of her thoughts. “Nothing, I … I had come to say something.” She hesitated for a moment before walking closer. She sat next to him on the couch. Sameer shifted. Anita looked at him for a while and as their eyes met she realized something. No one had to tell her. Suddenly she got up from the couch and walked to the kitchen. Sameer knew it instantly what she had come to say. He held his head in his hands. Grishma watched standing outside the bedroom door.
It was difficult to believe that Anita was in love. Anita never believed in love at first sight. But, now, perhaps she would think differently.

As it was time for Anita to leave the house Sameer offered to drive her to the airport. Anita agreed. In fact she was happy because she too wanted to spend time alone with him.

As Sameer parked the car in the parking lot of the airport, Anita leaned in to kiss him and before Sameer could react he could feel her soft and wet lips on his. When Anita realized that Sameer was not responding, she moved back.
“I love you and would always love you, I know that you do not love me…” after a while she added “I know you love her.”

Sameer looked at Anita, clearly surprised. How could she know? Sameer thought. He had been fighting with his own self on this matter and here was a woman, who did not know much about him, telling him that he loved Grishma. Was it so evident? And, if he did love Grishma then why did he felt the urge to go and visit his wife the day he had told Grishma about his wife. Perhaps, it was to bury her memories forever. That is what he wanted to do all this while. Bury her memories and move ahead in life; that is what Grishma had helped him to do. But, now, the problem was that he was in love with Grishma who was a widow. He did not have any problem with that, but Grishma was not only a widow, she was also carrying the child of her husband. Fine, there was nothing wrong with it; he could accept her even then. The major problem was that – Grishma was a widow who was still not ready to come out of her dead husband’s memories.
Anita watched silently as Sameer once again struggled with his own self.
“Accept it” Anita whispered and kissed Sameer on his cheek. Sameer turned to look at her but she got out of the car without turning to look at Sameer and walked away.

Sameer drove back to the house. Anita wanted him to keep the car since he would need it as he searched for a new house. As Anita boarded the flight she thought of Sameer. For the first time in her entire life she had fallen in love with someone. Fallen in love with a man who loved her best friend! Grishma needs Sameer more than I need him, Anita tried to console herself. But, her heart broke into several pieces. She was going to remember her first love for the rest of her life. As the flight took off, Anita closed her eyes. She had to gather herself together. She could not let Grishma know that she loved Sameer. Never. Anita shook her head and started crying.

As Sameer walked towards the apartment he made up his mind that it was time Grishma knew everything about him. It was time for him to do something to help Grishma come out of her dead husband’s memories. It was just a matter of time, he knew it. He had come out of the sad memories of betrayal and now it was time Grishma came out of her pain. It was time for her to remember Yash as a happy memory. He knew Yash would be happy about all this. He just knew it.

Sameer did not say anything as he entered the house. He just walked in and sat on the couch.
“Coffee” Grishma asked
“Yes… please” Sameer said.
As Grishma came out with the cup, Sameer decided to tell her about his life.
“I want to share something with you.”
“That day, when I went to meet my wife…”
Ok so, finally he had decided to tell her about that episode.
“I wanted to see her for the last time.”
She stared at him.
“I wanted to get out of my past. That is what I had been trying to do for a long time. Finally I could get out of it because of you.” He looked at Grishma as he said this.
Grishma was surprised.
“Just talking to you about my past helped me to come out of it. Talking to you helped me to take some decisions. When I went to see her for the last time, I saw how happy she was with the new life she was living. That was the time I decided, I had to move on. I would have not taken the first step had I not told you about the past that day.”
Grishma still did not understand. She was missing something. She knew that Sameer’s wife blamed him for their child’s death but why did he want to forget her?
Sameer looked at Grishma. “She forgave me for what she said was my mistake but at the same time did not allow me inside the operation room for the second delivery. Obviously she did not want to take any risks.”
Grishma walked towards the couch and sat next to Sameer.
Sameer did not look up. “Mother and the child, both survived. I was happy. But later on she told me that the child was not mine.”
Grishma did not know what to say. She sat there, giving him silent company. Then, she gently slipped her hand in his. Sameer looked at her. She could see that his eyes were red but he was not crying.
The silent moment lasted for a long time. Grishma was still holding his hand.
“Thanks for listening; it really feels good to share with someone”
Grishma did not know whether Sameer was trying to tell her something through that statement. She did not say anything.
Sameer’s grip tightened around her hand. Grishma looked at him.
He stared at her for a few moments before removing his hand from hers.
In her entire life she had only one male friend and that was her husband. Today, sitting next to Sameer, she felt that he could be a good friend of hers. He was a decent man and cared for her and she cared for him too.
“What about your practice?” she asked all of a sudden.
“What about it?”
“Remember we had discussed this and you said you will think about it”
“I am still thinking” Sameer said looking away.
“Come on Sameer, I think it is time. That would also help you financially, to find a better place.”
Sameer was silent. He thought that Grishma said all this because she wanted him out of her house. She had the complete right to want so. When it was decided that Grishma would live in the same house he had reverted back the deal and now the house officially belonged to Grishma.
“Don’t worry, I will find a house soon, this week … I promise.”
“No, I did not mean it that way. I was just trying to help. I want you to start your practice. Just tell me when would you start it?”
“I don’t know”
“What do you mean you don’t know? You told me that you have decided to come out of your past; you took the first step by seeing your wife for the last time, now it is time for you to take a second step. Start your practice again. Prove to your wife and most importantly, to yourself that whatever happened to your child was not your fault. How long would you keep blaming yourself and punishing yourself for what was not your mistake at all?”

Now was the time, Sameer knew, he had to speak carefully. It was important.
“What about you?” he asked
“What about me?”
“When are you going to come out of your past?”
“I am talking about you here”
“And I Am talking about you!”
“Who gives you the right to question me?” Grishma said in a fit of anger.
“The same person, whoever that is, who gave you the so-called right to question me.” Sameer said.
Sameer’s question had caught her off-guard and hence she had overreacted. Deep inside she knew that Sameer did have the right to question her because she had done exactly the same thing and he had answered, thus giving her the entire right to participate in the happenings of his life. The fair deal would have been to allow Sameer to participate in the happenings of her life, Grishma knew it. But, perhaps it was her ego that forced her to be adamant
“Fine! Then just leave the matter.” Saying so, Grishma got up to go.

Had it been someone else in Sameer’s place he would have thought that he had messed up everything and had lost but Sameer knew that he had won the game. He had known that it would not be so easy to break the barriers. God had made women that way. Either it was easy or hard … it was never in between.
Sameer smiled as Grishma walked to her room and banged the door behind her.
As much as he knew her by now, he was sure she would come out and talk to him.
He waited. This time she took a longer duration to calm down … she came out.

Sameer was waiting for her. She sat down on the farthest corner of the couch and Sameer shifted further away from her
“If this is how you want to talk, I do not mind sitting in the kitchen”
Grishma smiled, “That is what Yash used to say”
Sameer looked at her, pleased to see that she was smiling as she spoke of Yash.
“Tell me more about him; I want to know … how did he tolerate you?” Sameer joked.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, Yash was a man with great patience, I must say. I would have quit a long time back, if this was how you got angry in the past, calculating from the rate at which you have been losing your temper on me” Sameer joked.
“Sorry” Grishma blushed
”Tell me something new…” Sameer smiled.
Grishma smiled too.
“Ok, tell me about Yash, I seriously want to know.”
Grishma told Sameer about Yash. How she had spent her childhood with him in the same house as her parents had died in a car crash. Yash’s and her parents were friends and that was the reason they had adopted her. She told Sameer how she fell in love with Yash. She told him of the night when she confessed her feelings for Yash. She told him about their marriage.
But, she could not tell him about his death.
Sameer moved closer. Grishma looked away. Sameer took her hand in his and said, “I do not want to know about it if you do not want to tell me but talking would help you.”
That moment Grishma decided it was time to tell Sameer what she had been keeping to herself for all these days. Something, she had not even told Anita. She looked in Sameer’s eyes and said, “I killed him”
Sameer looked at her, shocked.
“Yes, I killed him.” Grishma repeated and started crying.
Sameer wrapped his arm around her and Grishma gave in. She wept like a small child. She pulled her knees close to her chest and leaned on Sameer’s shoulder.
“I killed my own husband.” She whispered.
Sameer held her as Grishma continued to cry. He knew this was not it. The woman sitting next to him was not a murderer.
After crying for more than half an hour Grishma was ready to talk. Punctuated with sobs she told her story. She told Sameer about the accident in which Yash’s entire body, below neck level, was completely paralyzed. She told him how the doctors had given up. Told him how she had brought him home, hoping that being at home might somehow help him to recover. She told him how she hoped that someday a miracle would happen and her Yash would be lively again.
Then she told him how one day he had begged her to end it all.

Grishma remembered how initially she had refused but then she had to accept it. Yash did not like living like this. He was suffering. His mental suffering was more than the physical suffering. The news of Grishma’s pregnancy had come after few days of the accident and they both had been happy but the happiness had lasted for a shorter time. Visualizing himself lying helpless in bed had upset Yash tremendously. He wanted to end it all. She could imagine the agony of a person who wanted to end his life, who did not even want to live enough to see his own child taking form in his wife’s womb, she could understand his helplessness that forced him to quit before the birth of his child. The day he had asked for the favor, Grishma had gone out of the house after many days. She wanted to breathe fresh air and also buy death for Yash. She walked to a medical shop to buy a syringe.

At night, she wanted to feel Yash close to her before fulfilling his wish. She slid into the bed and slept next to Yash, feeling his cold, lifeless body against hers. She was not sure whether Yash felt her warm body but she wanted him to touch her, she desperately wanted the moment to freeze. She raised her head and moved closer and kissed him for the last time. She looked in Yash’s eyes, her own eyes brimming with tears. That moment, she wanted to die in his arms but she knew she was cursed to live. Cursed! How could she think that way? Being pregnant was a blessing. She wanted it since a long time so what if the timing was wrong. She started weeping. She placed her head on Yash’s chest. She wanted him to embrace her in his arms. But Yash did not move, he could not move. Finally wrapping a bed-sheet around her, she got up and walked towards the desk. She took out the syringe she had bought earlier in the day. She filled it with air and walked towards Yash. She could see tears rolling out from the corner of his eyes.
Closing her eyes she injected the empty syringe in his bloodstream.
She did not want to see him dying but at the same time she could not leave him alone. She took his hand in hers and waited for the moment to come.

Sameer was still holding Grishma. Grishma was deep in thoughts, her tears silently flowing down her cheeks. The only other sound in the room was that of the ticking of the clock.
Grishma broke the silence, “He wanted me to end it all and I fulfilled his wish. But, then I felt I should have not listened to him. I needed him… I need him.” Grishma started crying again.
Sameer was speechless. He tightened his grip around her.
Grishma slept after a while, still embraced in Sameer’s warm and caring arms. Sameer’s eyes brimmed with tears. He knew Grishma had suffered a great loss, greater than his, greater than what he could imagine. Now, he knew he was right, he also had learned that Grishma was stronger than anyone could ever imagine. She did not know it herself. Sameer had to show her the mirror.
Gently placing Grishma’s head on a pillow, Sameer got up and walked to the kitchen. As he cooked lunch he knew what he had to do next.
After finishing his work in kitchen Sameer decided it was time to bring down everything from the attic. One by one he brought down all the belongings of Yash. When Grishma woke up she saw those things kept in the living room. Strangely, she was not angry this time. Along with the secret she had kept buried in her heart; her anger had found its way out of her mind.
Sameer handed her a knife to unseal the boxes
“I cannot”
“Yes, you can.” Sameer placed the knife on one of the boxes.
Grishma hesitated for a moment but then picked up the knife and started cutting the tape from the boxes. It was time to let out the ghosts. Her hands shivered as she opened the first box. Tears streaming down her face she opened all the boxes one by one and the first thing she took out of the boxes was a photo frame. Yash was holding her in his arms and both of them were smiling. The lips wet with tears curved into a smile as she held the frame in front of her eyes.

Sameer stood at a distance and watched as Grishma took out Yash’s belongings.
“Let me help you” saying so, Sameer picked up a few things in his hands and walked towards the bedroom.
He placed the photo frame near the bed, placed the books in the empty shelf.
Grishma entered the bedroom with Yash’s cologne etc.
Everything that Grishma had packed away was back to their original places. Grishma looked around. She felt Yash’s presence and this time it made her happy.
“I know forgetting Yash won’t be easy, in fact I do not want you to forget him. Remember him as a happy memory. A memory that adds a smile to your face in times of pain and not the memory that causes pain.” Sameer said placing his hand on her shoulder.
Grishma looked at him. Their eyes met and Sameer told her what he wanted to tell her “Yash loved you Grishma and he will always be watching over you. He has been watching you all along, that explains the gloominess of the house. Yash is not happy because you are not happy. That explains the pain. The child, Yash’s child does not want you to leave the house because Yash does not want you to run away from memories. Yash wants you to face it and remember him as happy memory. Grishma, Yash wants you to make a new beginning”
“I love you and I will be watching over you. Remember me as a happy memory and move ahead in life, make a new beginning” Yash’s last words echoed in Grishma’s ears.

Grishma looked away trying to hide her tears from Sameer.
“Don’t be ashamed to cry and let your emotions flow. But cry only so that when you are done with it you feel as if a burden is lifted off your chest. Let your tears not scar your heart.” Saying so, Sameer left the room leaving Grishma alone with her memories. Grishma sat on the bed and looked at the photograph. Yash was smiling at her and unknowingly her lips curved into a smile.
That night Grishma spent time standing at the window, looking at the stars, just like Yash loved to stare at them. The cold breeze pierced her skin and she wrapped a shawl around her to keep herself warm.
Sameer did not speak a word to her after he had left the conversation with an open ending. They did not have lunch and they did not speak as they had their dinner. Sameer did not look up from his plate but Grishma looked at him occasionally.
As Grishma spent time in her bedroom, Sameer spent time at the window in the living room, staring at the stars. He knew Grishma would be doing the same thing.

Grishma turned away from the window and walked to her bed. She slid into the bed and pulled up the covers till her waist. She stared at Yash’s smiling face and she did not know when she fell asleep.
In the middle of the night as the temperature dropped further, the cold breeze coming inside the room through the open window made her shiver. She felt two warm hands pull up the covers till her neck and a warm touch on her cheek. She opened her eyes and she saw Yash. He was taken aback to see that he had awakened Grishma. But, Grishma smiled. Within seconds Yash’s face changed into Sameer’s face and then she fell asleep.
In the morning, when Grishma thought about it, she was not sure whether it was a dream or was it real. She turned towards the window. It was closed. She remembered keeping it open at night.

She walked out of the bedroom. Sameer was not there in the living room. To her surprise she found herself searching for him. He was not there in the house. The breakfast was kept on the kitchen platform. There was a note next to the dish.
“Going out”
Grishma got ready and had her breakfast. As she waited for Sameer in the living room, Grishma thought of what Sameer had told her the previous day. More than what he said, how he said it made the difference.
It showed that he really wanted her to be happy.
It was a long time, Sameer did not come home. She started getting restless. Involuntarily she looked towards the corner where Sameer had kept his bags. They were still there.
“Where did he go so early in the morning?” Grishma wondered.
She decided to wait for some more time before beginning to make arrangements for lunch. It was getting late, nearing lunch time but Sameer had not yet returned. She entered the kitchen to prepare lunch. She cooked Sameer’s favorite dishes. She finished her work in kitchen and waited for Sameer. She was hungry but she waited for him. Sameer did not come home for lunch. She kept the food in the refrigerator and walked to her room.
Grishma spent time in her bedroom, sitting on the floor, holding her knees close to her chest and her eyes brimming with tears and fixed on Yash’s photograph.

In the evening when the doorbell rang, Grishma was still sitting in the same position, knees close to her chest but she was holding the photograph close to her heart. The tears had dried and had left their marks on her fair cheeks. She had not bothered to wipe the tears.
Grishma opened the door and when she saw Sameer, she reacted.
“You could not even tell me where you were going?”
Sameer entered the house without answering.
“You could not even call me to tell me that you won’t be coming home for lunch?” Grishma complained.
Sameer walked to the kitchen and drank water.
“Answer me. I am talking to you...”
“Why should I answer you? I am not answerable to you. I live in your house and I am not a part of your life…” Sameer shouted.
Tears welled up in Grishma’s eyes and she turned to go. The words hurt her more than she imagined.
“I am going” Sameer said
Grishma turned around to look at Sameer.
“I have found a house. I am leaving.”
“Oh” that was all Grishma could manage to say.

There was an awkward silence between the two. They stared at one another. Each one of them, trying hard to fight the conflict inside their mind!
Suddenly Sameer held her hand. Grishma did not get any time to react. Sameer pulled her closer and kissed her on her lips. He could taste the salt of her tears. Grishma tried to free herself but Sameer held her tightly against his body. He continued kissing her though Grishma did not respond. Finally, with all her strength Grishma freed herself and the moment she stepped back she slapped Sameer.
“How dare you?”
“I love you” Sameer said
Grishma slapped him again
“I still love you.” Sameer said looking in her eyes.
Grishma looked away.
“I cannot love you” Grishma whispered
“What do you mean you cannot? It is either, you love me or you do not love me, there is nothing like - you cannot!”
“Anita loves you.”
“I love you” Sameer said
“I don’t” Grishma said
Sameer’s eyes brimmed with tears. He started stuffing his belongings in his bag. Grishma stared at him
“You are leaving now?”
“Yes” Sameer said as he finished packing.
He picked up the bags “Goodbye”
“Bye” Grishma said with a shaking voice.
Sameer walked out of the house.

Grishma could not understand what was happening to her. She kept staring at the open door expecting Sameer to come walking through it and thus prove that all that had happened was nothing but a dream. She looked towards the corner where Sameer had kept his bags. They were gone and so was Sameer. She sat down on the couch and started crying.
Her entire body felt heavy. She had never felt like this before. She spent the whole night sitting on the couch. She did not sleep. She was desperately seeking answers. Answers to the questions Sameer had left her with, answers to the questions she had been asking herself as she had stared at Yash’s photograph earlier in the day. She did not get any answers.
In the morning, she walked to the washroom and as she stared at the mirror she saw Sameer. She saw him pulling her closer and kissing her on her lips. Grishma splashed water on her face. As she entered the bedroom and looked at Yash’s photograph, suddenly she had answers for all her questions.
Grishma waited for the phone to ring. She wanted Sameer to call her. She wanted to talk to him, wanted to get things straight. But he did not call up.

On the other hand, Sameer paced his room holding a cordless phone in his hand. He wanted to call Grishma. He could not tolerate seeing her in pain. He could not see her crying as she waited for his call. Sameer looked out of the window once again. He could see Grishma pacing her living room. He dialed a number and waited. The bell rang and Grishma ran to attend the call
“Hello”
“Hi”
It was Anita’s call.
Sameer saw Grishma talking on the phone. He kept the phone back on the base. Sameer hated to do this but he had to do it, for himself and for Grishma. He knew she loved him but she was not ready to accept it, just like he had not accepted it initially. It was only after staying away from Sameer would she understand her love for him.
Sameer could not go away from her; he wanted to keep her in front of his eyes. He wanted to make sure that he could watch over her and see that she was fine. So, he had bought a flat in the building opposite to that of Grishma’s. He had to take loan from the bank and for that he had taken the help of his ex-wife who signed as guarantor.

Grishma told Anita about what had happened. Grishma did not know that Anita was aware of everything. Sameer had called up to tell her that he had left Grishma’s house. He had also told her that he had confessed his feelings to Grishma. Anita wanted to talk to Grishma. She knew that Grishma’s feelings would be evident in her voice. She understood Grishma too well.
And after hearing Grishma’s voice, Anita knew that she had lost Sameer forever.
Anita cried after she disconnected the call.
Grishma had asked her to return soon. Anita did not want to return.
After a few days Anita called up Sameer and told him that she was coming back and she wanted him to come to the airport.

Sameer waited for Anita’s flight to arrive. When she walked out of the airport Sameer could read from her face that she had cried in the plane, though she had adjusted her make up. Anita hugged Sameer the moment she walked closer. Sameer wrapped his arms around her.
Sameer dropped her at Grishma’s residence and handed over the keys to her but he did not go up to Grishma’s apartment.
When Anita told Grishma that Sameer had come to drop her, Grishma was silent.
“How is he?” Grishma asked
“Just like you” Anita replied.
Grishma looked at Anita.
“Come on Grishma, accept it… You love him.”
Grishma did not say anything.
“Yash would be happy to know that.”
“I know” Grishma whispered.
Anita hugged her.

Sameer was sitting in a park when his mobile rang. It was Anita’s call. He was not in the mood to attend any calls but something inside him told him that he should attend that one. He was glad that he attended the call. Anita had called up to say that Grishma wanted to see him
“I will be there”
“No, we are not at home. Come to the hospital.”
“What happened?”
“She’s pregnant, remember?”
Sameer disconnected the call and rushed to the hospital where Grishma was admitted before.
As Sameer entered the room he saw that Grishma was in pain. In spite of the pain Grishma smiled as she saw him. Grishma’s doctor smiled as she walked out of the room.
”Hi!” Grishma whispered.
“Hi” Sameer moved closer.
Silence. Grishma screamed with pain and instinctively Sameer moved forward to hold her hand.
Grishma looked at him. It was time for Sameer to know about her decision.
“Listen, I want a favor from you”
“Anything…” Sameer promised.
“I want you to conduct the delivery” Grishma said looking in Sameer’s eyes and she knew he would not be able to refuse.
Grishma screamed once again because of the contraction and it was time to go.
“See you in the labor room” Sameer said as the nurse came in to attend to Grishma.
As she was being wheeled out of the room, Grishma looked at Sameer and as their eyes met they both knew that everything was going to be fine. They knew they had reached that stage of their life when both of them were ready to make a new beginning.

*****************

New Beginning - 4

2009-09-27T13:52:00.004+05:30

New Beginning - 1 | New Beginning - 2 | New Beginning - 3

After a while Anita joined them in the living room.
“How are you feeling?” Anita asked Grishma as she sat next to her.
“Fine, but tired. I need to take some rest” saying so, Grishma got up to go.
Both Anita and Sameer stood up to support Grishma
“Come on guys, I am fine and I can walk alone to the room”
As Grishma went to her room to take rest, Sameer reached for the remote to switch on the television but decided against it.
Anita picked up the magazine she had brought with her and started reading. Sameer got up and walked to the window.

Anita lowered the magazine and looked at Sameer as he spent time lost in his own world. There was something about Sameer that attracted her towards him. She could not lay her finger over it but she knew there was something strange about this man. Something secretive and she loved secrets.

As the day advanced Sameer offered to help Anita in cooking. The more time she spent with him more she learned about him. She knew that Grishma’s decision to allow Sameer to stay in the house was a safe decision. Anita realized that she was happy to be able to spend time with Sameer.

The next day when Anita left for her office Grishma turned around to look at Sameer who was reading a newspaper.
“You do not have to go anywhere?” she asked
Sameer looked up. “I am searching the newspaper for advertisement and if I find someone who wants a paying guest, I will go and see the place.”
“No, I did not mean that” Grishma said sitting on the couch. “I meant… what about your practice?” she continued.
“I quit practice.” Sameer said and once again buried his face in the newspaper. He did not want to face Grishma.
She realized this and got up to go.
“Something happened that made me quit practice” Sameer spoke all of a sudden still not taking his eyes off the newspaper. Grishma sat down again.
Sameer could not believe he was doing this. He told her everything. Told her how he had been happy to know that he was going to be a father. How his wife wanted him to be there during the delivery. How things had taken an ugly shape as he had tried to use forceps to help in the delivery. Suddenly, everything had gone blank for a moment and the next thing he knew was that the baby was dead. He told Grishma how his wife blamed him for the baby’s death and said that he was not worth being a doctor if he could not save his own child.
Grishma looked at Sameer. Though he was not crying; his eyes were red because of the tears that refused to flow.
Grishma placed a hand on his shoulder and tears gathered in Sameer’s eyes. He dabbed at the corner of the eyes and continued speaking. He told her how he could never regain his lost confidence because of which he had to quit his practice.

Grishma was silent. She did not know what to say. After some time Sameer walked to the washroom and Grishma could hear him crying.
Each person has his own story, Grishma thought and she found her own eyes brimming with tears. Since the time she had entered the house after being discharged from the hospital, this was the first time she thought about Yash.

She got up from the couch. Before Sameer could walk out of the washroom and see her crying she walked to her bedroom closing the door behind her.
She looked around the room for traces of Yash’s memories. She remembered every moment she had spent with him in this room but she could not feel his presence.
“This is not fair… you cannot leave me… just like that” she whispered looking around the room before finally walking to the window. She opened the window and allowed the sun to bathe her room with its light. Her skin glowed in sunlight and eyes sparkled as tears gathered in her eyes and then one by one jumped out of her eyes to kiss her cheek. She remembered how Yash kissed her tears whenever she cried. Now, as the tears trickled down her cheeks and dropped down from her chin she felt as if crying was not worth anymore.
She wiped her tears and reached out to close the window when there was a knock on the bedroom door. She opened the door and saw Sameer standing with his back towards the door.
“You are going out somewhere?” Grishma asked as she saw that he was wearing jeans and neatly pressed shirt.
Sameer turned around
“Yes, I read an advertisement in newspaper, I just thought of checking out the house” Sameer said with his eyes glued to the floor.
“Ok”
Sameer turned around and walked away. Grishma walked behind him and saw him walk out of the house without turning around. Grishma looked around the house and decided it needed some cleaning. She thought of making herself a cup of coffee before starting the work. As she made her coffee she looked around for the cup Sameer had given her day before yesterday. It was not there. She poured coffee in another cup and walked to the living room.

Sameer had not unpacked completely. His bags were kept in one corner in the living room and just a few things were scattered over the couch and the table. She felt sorry for Sameer.
If she had realized all about the pain, a little earlier, Sameer would have not come in the picture and she would have not hurt him like this. She understood what it meant to be homeless. She did not want to hurt anyone, not even unintentionally. Grishma brushed aside the thoughts and finished her coffee.
After finishing the cleaning she took bath and entered the kitchen to cook. Lunch was almost ready when the doorbell rang.

”Hi, I am sorry, I am late” Sameer said as he entered the house.
“No, you are just on time. Lunch is almost ready” Grishma replied.
“That’s what I meant by being late. I never wanted you to cook”
“I am not a bad cook, trust me.”
“I know; I can smell it … in fact anyone passing from the corridor can say that you are not a bad cook at all.”
“How was the house?” Grishma asked
“Which house?” Sameer asked and after realizing what she had asked, he added “Oh that house, the owner is asking too much”
“You did not go to see any house, did you?”
Sameer sighed. “No”
Grishma looked at him and then turned around to go to the kitchen.
As they had their lunch in silence, Grishma knew that Sameer would tell her the truth; it was just a matter of time. And, according to Sameer the time had come.
“I had gone to see my wife” Sameer said as he swallowed the bite he was chewing.
Grishma looked at him. Sameer did not say anything after that. They finished their lunch and Sameer washed the plates asking Grishma to relax in the living room.

She was not sure how to ask him about it but she knew that there was something more to the statement that he had been to see his wife. In first place, Grishma was not sure why she wanted to know about it. I am just being nice to him because he has been nice to me, that is all, she concluded.
Sameer finished the kitchen work and walked to the living room. They both sat silently staring in different directions. Spending one day together was becoming so awkward and difficult; both of them wondered how they would spend few more days, weeks or maybe months together in the same house. Everything depended on how quick Sameer managed to find another house.
“Do you mind if I switch on the television.” Sameer asked, still remembering the way Grishma had reacted when he had turned on the television for the first time.
“No, go ahead” Grishma said as she got up to go
“Just do not leave it on when you are not around” she said as she walked to her room.

She understood the reason behind Sameer’s question and that is what had upset her. She knew Sameer was taking utmost care that he should not remind her of Yash and that is what irritated her. To be reminded of Yash, she had to forget him in first place. On one hand she admired Sameer for not using ‘that’ cup anymore but on the other hand she was frustrated and wanted to tell him that merely keeping the cup out of sight would not help her forget Yash. She failed to understand, that was what she had done earlier. She had packed away all his belongings hoping that not seeing those things would ease her pain.
Grishma closed the door of her room. She could hear faint voices from the living room and then suddenly she could hear them loud and clear.
“Why do you always have to keep telling me this?” Yash complained.
“Because I do not like it”
“It does not mean that I have to listen to you all the time!” Yash screamed above the voices of the supporters of the game he was watching.
“Please reduce the volume of the television; you are giving me a headache!” Grishma said closing her ears with her hands. Silence.

Grishma looked around, she was not in the living room and Yash was not with her. The faint voices from the living room were muted too. Sameer had obviously heard her scream in her room.
“Oh God” Grishma whispered as she sat on the bed. She did not walk out of the room till evening.
Anita returned in the evening and as Grishma heard her voice she decided it was time to walk out.
“How are you?” Anita asked as Grishma walked to the living room.
“Fine” Grishma said and looked at Sameer. Their eyes met and they both silently agreed to keep Anita out of what had happened in the afternoon.
Days sped by and apart from walking out of her apartment in search of a house; Sameer spent most of his time idling around in the living room. He spent time working on his laptop and when he was not doing anything else he was busy making delicious dishes for Grishma.

Grishma had to admit that he was a very good cook, contradictory to what he had told her earlier. Though there were times when she felt bit awkward about this cooking thing, most of the time she enjoyed it. At times, she even requested him to make her favorite dishes and Sameer obliged.
“Your wife’s a lucky woman” Grishma said as she tasted one of his first time attempts of making a dish. Sameer gave an awkward smile. That was the moment Grishma realized, there was more to his story than what she knew.

She offered him a bite from her plate and Sameer tasted it.
“Not bad” he said as he took another bite and then walked back to the kitchen.
“One more serving?” he shouted from the kitchen.
“Sure” saying so, Grishma got up and walked to the kitchen.
As Sameer filled her plate she stared at him.
“What?” Sameer asked.
“Nothing.” Grishma was not sure how should she tell him what she wanted.
She had to tell him one day but she had to say it in such a way that he would not say no to it.
“What is it? Tell me … you want to talk about something. I am all ears.”
“And … would you say yes to what I ask from you?”
“Depends on what you ask” Sameer said wiping his hands with his apron.
‘I want you to start your practice.”
Sameer was silent. Grishma was waiting for an answer.
“Maybe one day I will, but I am not ready for it now.”

Grishma did not insist further. She had made up her mind, taken a decision. She would tell him when the right time came.
“Ok, so what are we having for dinner?” Grishma asked enthusiastically thus changing the topic.
Sameer stared at her “You just ate! Looking at your figure no one would say that you eat so much!”
Grishma smiled shyly “I am not eating so much, my baby is”
“Oh right … so what does your baby want for dinner?”
“I will ask and tell you” she said as she walked out of the kitchen.

Initially Anita was surprised by his cooking skills but as days sped by, she was convinced, just like Grishma, that Sameer was indeed a very good cook. Both the ladies loved trying out new dishes and Sameer loved cooking for both of them.
Sameer tried to find a house for himself without any luck. Sameer was getting frustrated. Not that, he did not love spending time in Grishma’s house but then he was well aware that it was not the right thing to do. There were few awkward moments when neither of them knew what to say or how to react. There were times when suddenly Grishma drifted back into the past, times when she cried as she spent time with Yash’s memories. It hurt Sameer to see Grishma still thinking about Yash. Why? He did not know the answer.
One night, while having dinner, both Anita and Grishma jokingly told Sameer that they secretly hoped that he did not find a house so that they could enjoy his cooking. Sameer looked at Grishma and smiled.
“If that is what you want” he winked
Three of them started laughing.

Days turned to weeks, Sameer still did not find a house and he had still not made up his mind on starting his practice again. One evening as Anita returned from office there was a sad look on her face.
The moment she entered, Sameer asked her what was wrong and she said that she was tired.
“I will get some coffee for you.”
As Anita sipped coffee she exercised her neck and tried to relax. Sameer walked closer and offered a neck massage, which Anita willingly accepted.
As Sameer massaged her neck Anita closed her eyes.
Grishma walked out to the living room, “What’s wrong?”
Sameer turned around and placed a finger on his lips signaling Grishma to keep quiet as Anita had fallen asleep.
He stopped massaging and walked towards Grishma.
“What’s wrong?” Grishma whispered.
“Don’t know. She says she is tired but I think there is something else.”
After half an hour when Anita woke up she was surprised to feel so fresh. She was alone in the living room. She walked to Grishma’s bedroom and found Grishma reading a book.
“Listen, I have a bad news for you.” Anita said taking Grishma’s hand in hers.
“What is it?” Grishma was worried.
She then told Grishma that she was meant to go out of town for a few weeks for her office work, which meant that Grishma would have to live alone with Sameer.
“When do you have to leave?”
“Tomorrow morning”
“Ok’ that is all Grishma could say.
“Where’s Sameer?”
“He’s gone for a walk”

Part 5 (concluding part)