I was completely baffled and amazed. This guy looked like a beaten-up spider-monkey mutant. He walked into the bar and sat down right next to the hottest chick. Without hesitating, he started chatting her up, and in no time, he had her cracking up. I couldn’t bear not knowing what made this guy so awesome, so I moved closer to them. My jaw dropped: the jokes he was cracking were completely lame, and to top it off, he was offending her all the time. What the heck? Well, that was several years ago, and I was clueless. Today, I understand why the mutant was getting that girl’s affection so easily: he knew exactly how to make women laugh.

Teasing

I am convinced now that one of the the first things this guy did was to tease the girl. Even when I was outside of earshot, I could feel the positive energy he radiated when he came in. He seemed genuinely curious about her at first, but after only a sentence or two, he turned away with disapproval in his face. It could have gone something like this:

Him: Hey, do you know if there are any good movies playing lately?
Her: Good movies? Yeah, I just saw Freddy vs. Jason the other day.
Him (turning away with disapproval) What? Are you another one of those psycho chicks? I’m sure you have a teddy bear at home with a big old knife in his back. This is not going to work out between us.

This may sound offensive on paper, but if you play around with it, you’ll have a woman laughing in no time.

Themes to dip into

Finding something to tease a woman about is easy. With a bit of creativity, you can deliberately misinterpret pretty much anything she says. Throw in some exaggeration, and try to be random and unpredictable. This is something you can train like a muscle.

There are some things you want to bring up when teasing or playing with a woman:

You and her

Bring up the (imagined) relationship between you and her quickly! The most effective teasing happens when you picture her as your pursuer. “This is never going to work out between us“, “you won’t get into my pants that way” or “I’ll keep talking to you if you stop checking out my ass” are some sample remarks.

Her perceived personality

I already mentioned that above: playfully suggest that she’s evil, naughty, boring, drunk, egocentric, spoiled… clumsy… or a devious schemer. Anything you want. Truest me, as long as you keep it playful and fun, they’ll love it. It will often trigger a “no, that’s not true!” response from her, and if she has taken some interest in you, she will try to clear her name: “I really don’t drink that often! I swear!”

Which allows you to follow up with: “now you’re just trying to impress me. I’m not that easy.”

Say her name

This is so easy, it’s ridiculous. Shake your head and say: “Michelle, Michelle, Michelle. What are you doing.” The sooner you say her name back to her (just append it to any of your statements), the quicker she’ll realize that you made an effort to remember it. Also, people really like hearing their name, and if you say it in a slightly misgiving way – like a mom scolding her child – they’ll always laugh. This is almost infallible. So, for you to remember:

GOOD: “I see. You’re a Ninja Astronaut. And you expect me to believe that?”
AWESOME: “I see. You’re a Ninja Astronaut. And you expect me to believe that, Michelle?”

The straight face

Don’t laugh or smile too much at what you’re saying. Your best bet is to deliver all your teasing lines as matter-of-fact statements with a deadpan, straight face. Imagine you’re having dinner with a girl and she tips over a glass.

You: Great, Julia. So that’s your idea of making me wet, is it?
(she cracks up. You pick up a napkin and place it on the spilled drink)
You: Here, lemme clean up after you. (shake your head in fake disappointment) But it’s cool, I’m tolerant, you know. If that’s how you roll, we can head out later and stumble over dogs and little kids on the pavement.

No emotion. You’re the funny guy, not the laughing guy. I mean, watch all the great comedians in the world! Do they announce their own jokes by laughing about them? No! Don’t do it either.

Back to the mutant who knew how to make women laugh. He soon had her giggling at the lamest jokes. Why? Well, when a woman does that, it means one thing: she really likes you. It’s no longer the lines that are funny. It’s the overall great feeling you have sparked in her that will keep her laughing, no matter what you come up with. And if you reference some of the stuff you made up earlier in the interaction, it will even make you both feel like “insiders” who share the same secret joke.

If I were to learn how to become an alpha male over again, I’d probably model myself on that dude. Here’s why – and what you can learn from it.

Complete authenticity

The funny thing is, you wouldn’t immediately consider my colleague the most effective chick magnet. He is introverted and his voice is hard to perceive, especially with his Dutch accent. But once he talks to the ladies, they fall for his charm. That’s largely because he doesn’t make even the slightest effort to be something he’s not. Many would consider a quiet voice and an introverted, monosyllabic nature as a shortcoming they’d have to “fix” to get better with women. Not him.

What he does instead is amplify his personality to the fullest. He has figured himself out long ago, and he has learned to fully BE that person. If you learn one thing about being an alpha male, then make it this: never pretend.

Take control

Get one thing down: my friend, this is your life. To go anywhere, you have to LEAD.

Make conscious and deliberate decisions about all your actions. You know that everything you do or think will have an impact. Reaching for the carrots and hummus instead of the chips in the supermarket is a conscious decision, so is taking a boat trip with your friends, trying a new bar, hosting a house party, or talking to a woman you fancy. On the street corner. In broad daylight.

Leading means making decisions. You can steer your own life with deliberation, but your leadership becomes most evident in your social circle. If you set up a house party and invite all your friends over, it will have an immense impact on the way they perceive you: you are the host, the organizer, the social hub. The leader of the party.

Get some cool music, drinks, set up a flirty, fun vibe, and get everybody to bring their own friends. And make sure there are girls in the mix.

Appearance of an alpha male

The classic “alpha male” exudes physical and mental dominance. A technique like teasing (and I will give you another one in a minute) will often suffice to establish a fully “alpha” aura. Yet, by tweaking your looks, you can amp up the effect a lot.

Go to the gym and shape up. The shape you’re in makes an immense difference for your whole personality. A well-shaped body will not only look better, but automatically have a better tenure just by its tension. We have written so much about this in our other articles, I won’t go into more detail here.

Get the best clothes and accessories you can. If you don’t have a friend with good fashion sense, start reading magazines for inspiration, and to find a look that suits you. There are a lot of great clothes out there, but you have to decide what you, as an individual like. Three pointers:

- Put special effort into your shoes, they’re the first thing many women look at! They should be polished and pointy.
- Clothes should be fitted to flatter your body. Don’t just buy random shapeless shirts and jeans.
- DO NOT wear shirts with jokes and funny lines on them. Believe me. Don’t.

Don’t take sh!t from others

Stop accepting when others walk all over or abuse you. Figure out your values and ideals, and then make friends with the idea that they’re actually worth a damn (I have to admit, that was a tough one for me).

Look, whatever you consider important for yourself, and right, IS actually right within your reality. If somebody steps on your boundaries and principles, don’t let them do it. Refuse to comply. Again: this is your life. You run it. Why?

Because alpha males do.

The above advice is to get you started as you learn how to become an alpha male. Find yourself, define your principles, values and boundaries, and then start BEING that person and LIVING that life. There’s a lot more for you to discover, but if you start adapting these skills and features, you are well on your way, and you will see from other people’s reactions how your assertiveness is working. From there, you can figure out a lot of stuff on your own by listening, judging results and tweaking.

“You must have a lot of love in your life.”

You know how charming old people will sometimes make you the sincerest compliments? My friend was interviewing an old gentleman for her newspaper, and he told her: “You’re such a lovely young lady, you must have a lot of love in your life.” She had a big smile when she told me about it: “What a sweet old man! If only more young guys were like this.” This was in Germany, and I’m sure the old guy had lived through enough pain and hardship to realize what really counts.

Now get this: I have another friend – he’s 22 now, and he uses the same “lines” on girls. Only, they’re not lines. For him, love and happiness are truly essential, and when he interacts with women, it shines through. He radiates the feelings, and women love him for it.

A woman’s mind

It’s a well-known cliché that women spend lots of time in the bathroom. What the heck are they doing in there? I’ll tell you. They are working on their looks with artists’ loving hands, designing every detail like it’s their latest work of art. And I’m sure you’ve seen girls compliment each other on the effort they put in – “your hair looks so beautiful today”, “that dress fits you well – it compliments your eyes.” How many guys do that?

Just as you enjoy the compliments when you get a new haircut or an awesome pair of shoes (come on, you do), girls appreciate getting attention for their sheer femininity and the effort they put into it. They love it when you man the heck up and spell out the feelings they look for: “I can picture you putting on that eyeliner with great care. You deserve great attention for it.” Or: “I’m sure all the guys fall in love with you.”

Notice, on the side, how observations like these disqualify you as a suitor: what you do is suggest that other guys will like this girl for her femininity, her being. You’re not indicating yourself – instantly making her wonder about you. “Why doesn’t he want me, then?” just a little trick to make yourself interesting.

You must also understand that women – much like us, to some extent – constantly wonder what people really think of them, and what kind of impression they leave.

Society vs. sensuality

Unfortunately, emotions don’t have a prominent place in our everyday life. They have their place in art, like songs, movies or the theater, but in our personal interactions, we are socially “required” to keep these themes well-concealed. They belong in the privacy of the home, or when you’re alone. For many people, it feels awkward to openly talk about them.

With that in mind, it’s almost an act of courage to bring these feelings up like they’re the most natural thing in the world. But they are! And if you do it often enough, talking about love, desire, passion, sensuality will come easily like speaking of a good meal (jeez I’m hungry), an exquisite wine, a great experience: just an everyday occurrence. A man that is that confident about his sexuality, and treats it so naturally, is a great aphrodisiac. And I’m telling you, it’s one of the big reasons why girls tend to fall madly for older guys. They have the experience, openness and self-image that many younger guys try to avoid by being “cool”.

How to talk to women gets easier when you depart from logical thinking. It’s about opening up and saying what really matters. Allow for more love and sensuality in your language and demeanor. Talk about the sun shining on your skin, about the feeling you get in a roller-coaster, about the taste of a kiss or the smell of a woman’s hair, about the great chances a girl has for being who she is, about how we all deserve love and affection. Oh, and while you do that, cut down on the made-up coolness.

Improvisation

The comedian didn’t even bother going into the material he had undoubtedly prepared for the evening – like his colleagues. Instead, his first words were something like this:

“I don’t even know what I’m going to say. I guess I’ll just start with random stuff.”

And so he did. He started interacting with his audience completely unscripted (my friend had seen him shortly before and confirmed), making up his stuff as he went along. So he asked one guy what he was doing, then took that job as a basis for jokes, handing it to other audience members to comment on, and reacting to laughter or shouts coming from the spectators.

That comedian proved one thing: you don’t need much “canned” material when you know how to work with the present situation.

The here and now is your “material”

We often put a lot of pressure on ourselves to come up with original and funny things to say or do when interacting with others, especially girls. While we frantically try to recall all those funny lines we’ve memorized, we overlook what’s right in front of us.

Some tools to use with the present moment are deliberate misinterpretation or misunderstanding of a situation, a thought, an idea or something somebody says, or coming up with completely off-the-wall stuff. A popular example for the latter is the line “that’s what she said” brought up in the most impossible situations to ignite people’s imagination – suddenly, new, hilarious contexts come up where none could have been before.

Taking your time

And this is where that comedian really scored. The others seemed in a “rush” to get their prepared material out there, throwing in planned audience interaction where it fit best. Worked fine for what it was worth, granted. This guy, however, had all the time in the world. He didn’t have to resort to canned material (he did later anyway, but by then he had established a dynamic flow that supported and amplified it very neatly) because he was in no rush to come up with whatever funny reaction he found best and most authentic to whatever audience reaction he got.

At one point, a woman in the audience was laughing so hard her voice seemed to tumble over. He stopped in the middle of his sentence and slowly, oh so slowly, turned his head in her direction with a playfully bewildered expression, one corner of his mouth only slightly raised. “I used to have a laugh like that”, he said calmly after a couple of seconds. “I just had to…” and a little break “stop smoking weed.”

The line was fine, surely funny enough, but his delivery was side-splitting. Those seconds he took to simply have a physical reaction, where he turned his head with that glance in his eyes, was so funny it drove tears to our eyes – especially after all the improv and delivery that had gone before.

The best comedian of the night was a great example of grabbing people right in the gut to make them laugh. His words and punch lines were secondary. What people really want to see and experience are the moments where you can literally see the gears grinding in the comedian’s head as he comes up with the next reaction. The audience – your audience – wants to be completely involved, swept away in the dynamic of your humor. Pre-made stories can work, but if you really want to grip someone, learn to improvise. Take classes, if necessary. You’ll spontaneously reap the benefits by being much funnier with women.

He confirmed: “I don’t want that kind of commitment”. I looked at both of them as I picked up my bags: “Well, marriage is an institution, right? What really counts, though, is love.” Their faces lit up, and they gave me a big grin as I wished them a good day and wandered off. I had shifted their focus from the brain to the gut.

Love or reason?

I see people trying to grasp attraction, love, sexuality with their intellect… And I wonder where we strayed from the simple truths of emotion.

The newlywed and his lovely wife had made a conscious and reasonable decision about their relationship: they agreed to seal their love with the institution of marriage. A perfectly wise decision if that’s your desire. The other fellow was less inclined to sacrifice his freedom and opportunities – another stance, surely equally well-deliberated. Yet, they both agreed when I brought up love: the prime motivator! It put a big smile on their faces.

Thanks to our incredibly advanced brains, we humans are the only animal on the planet that can invent an abstract thing like marriage and bind an emotion such as love to logical decisions. Does that detach us from the primal, natural instincts we possess as human beings?

No. All the intellect in the world won’t get get you laid.

(Sex) appeal to the heart and soul

Even more than men, women’s experience of life is rooted in emotions, not rationale. Ever had an argument with one? You may end up as the logical winner, but ultimately, you will lose the battle with even the best of arguments. How do you turn the tables? Change your tune (or rather – get one): don’t speak in the language of the brain, but the music of the heart. Once you learn to communicate in emotions, you’ll find that language, all constructs of thought, all reasoning becomes obsolete. A smile or a frown have the same meaning across all languages, cultures, nations on the planet, and sexual attraction works in the same way no matter what.

And for you, the more you think about it, the less likely you’re going to get anywhere with the other sex.

Stop thinking, start listening

This is why you want to shut off your brain when talking to a woman, and start listening to her “music”, and yours: the way you (two) feel at any given moment, the way an emotional bond forms, the way your own emotions escalate and how you can carry her away in the process. That’s when it stops being a conversation, and becomes a dance, with all its shifts and intricacies, its peaks, moves, ups and downs, excitement and relaxation.

Even your best opening will involve a sensation – something she can immediately relate to. Think of any sensual experience – it doesn’t have to be anything extraordinary. It can just be the weather! Just remember this one thing:

Base your your expression on emotions, and play them like instruments.

Marriage: I see it as a reasonable attempt to institutionalize the natural attraction between the sexes, in order to provide a stable, safe environment for families to blossom. Reality only follows the ideal in so many cases, and monogamy – as traditionally required – may or may not be considered natural. But shift your focus from the brain to the gut, and all these ruminations lose their value: the emotion of love was where it all made sense to the newly-married security guard. Emotions come in. Reason dissolves.

Since I prefer meeting women during the day time, I was quite intrigued when one of self-professed “day time gurus”, Jeremy Soul, decided to put a book out that concentrates exclusively on day game.

This is what Love Systems has to say about Daytime Dating – Never Sleep Alone:

The book goes a step further by even telling readers what to do and say, depending on the situation and location of the woman being approached.”

The Product, Pricing and Packaging

The Daytime Dating book which goes on sale directly from Love Systems on August 5th 2010 will retail for $79 USD as a special introductory price and then will later go on to sell at $97 as the regular price. I received my copy directly from Love Systems and my first impressions were that this is a very well polished product. Call me crazy, but you know how they say you can judge a book from it’s cover?

Well, this has an excellent cover and the font is really easy to read. Now I know when you’re reading a book review, the last thing you want to know about a book is the font, but my first impression upon starting to read the book was: “Wow, this font makes this book really easy to read”.

So at least for your money, you’re getting a very well polished product that feels very polished and professional, which is more than I can say about a few other products out there!

Now that the presentation is out of the way, what about the content?

Content of Daytime Dating

The first thing that you’re greeted with when you open the book is a rather plain and simple table of content. It got me thinking: “Oh, is this it?” But then I soon realized that the entire emphasis of this book is to keep things as simple as possible…which is a concept I welcome wholeheartedly since Love Systems has a reputation for over-complicating simple subjects (more on this later).

In fact, the table of content does not do the book justice because the book actually has a lot of merit and dives into everything you need to know to be successful at meeting and attracting women during the day.

For instance, have you ever had a conversation like this? (This is quoted exactly from the book, p.31)

Tim: Hi, I’m Tim,
Jennifer: I’m Jennifer
Tim: Where are you from?
Jennifer: New York
Tim: Oh cool. What are you doing here
Jennifer: Just visiting some friends
Tim: Oh cool. So what do you do?
Jennifer: I’m a nurse. Listen, it’s been nice talking to you, but I have to get going.

This sounds like a pretty standard interaction and I can tell you from experience that it’s something you might encounter frequently if you start talking to women during the day. Jeremy then goes on to explain what Tim does wrong and how to be successful instead of hitting a dead end. The explanation is actually pretty good and then he breaks down the steps to have successful conversations with women that you’ve just met.

So what makes this different from all the other dating books out there?

Well for one, Daytime Dating acknowledges that during the day you don’t have all the usual elements to help you succeed with women. A lot of guys rely on alcohol, music and a social ambiance in the night to be able to approach, but you don’t have any of that during the day. This topic is quite interesting and unique to this book as most books just tend to skip this part.

So my first impression was actually quite good. Every point that he hits (passion, qualification, comfort, direct approaches), I’m like… Yes, yes, yes and more yes. If I had to write this book, I would write the same exact things.

I also loved the disclaimer about how you shouldn’t take everything to the letter, and even though it’s written by someone that knows what’s happening, this is a model and not the absolute only way things should be. Just writing that has given me so much more respect for their book. So many other gurus are professing that their way is the best way and truth be told, it’s not.

Like any destination, there are always multiple roads to get there and even though I personally do not use the method illustrated in the Daytime Dating book, I can respect it and acknowledge that it is a working model that will get you women. In fact, I have seen Jeremy Soul using his methods to successfully approach and attract dozens of women during the day.

So what about his method?

Well, it’s a little too “nice” for me.

You see, I’m a strong advocate of being interesting, normal and genuine when you approach women, (which is great because Jeremy wants this too and demonstrates how to do this very well) however, where we differ is that he suggests giving genuine compliments about looks and personality where as I prefer to steer clear of any compliment until the moment is right.

Never mind my own bias in his method, how is it explained?

I’d have to say that his entire day game process is broken down pretty well into small manageable chunks that are easy to learn and master. I especially liked the section where he outlines what comes first, what comes second, etc. Like he says, it’s not meant to be a fixed model that you can’t deviate from, but rather a great learning tool that provides you with a good guideline to follow.

The method dives into attraction, comfort, social calibration (thank God for this section as it’s one of the best in any books I’ve read) and what really works well with women. I know this is random, but if you do get the book, read the last paragraph on page 64 at least 5 times because it’s the most important part of the entire book.

Things that bugged me about the book

Well, like any good book, there are always a few parts that could have been a little better and Daytime Dating is no exception. One of the things that bugged me was that the preface is complete overkill. You have Mr. M. (another Love System’s instructor) gushing over how great Jeremy is at day game for 3 pages. In my mind I was thinking: “Yes, I know how good Jeremy is, otherwise I would not have gotten his book… you don’t need to tell me again at the start of the book.”

Another little aspect that bugged me was that I felt that there was a mix of really simple and easy concepts to grasp so you’re thinking: “Ahh, ok, I get it, I’ll be able to use this tonight” and then, out of no where, they go and throw in things like “Conversation Mapping”, which is an overly complicated way of breaking down a 5-10 minute conversation. Although it shows that they dove deep into the concept of having the perfect conversation, I really think that readers would get just as much out of the book without it.

It was also a little odd to read the examples of dialogue in the book. There was just something in the back of my mind that kept on saying: “C’mon, you don’t REALLY say things exactly like that, do you?” In fact, some of the conversations seemed artificial (in other words, I’m not sure the girls would react that way), so I wouldn’t use this book to get exact lines/scripts but instead I would read it and come up with my own lines. To sum it up, the theory is great, but I would rate most of the conversational examples as average with the exception of the case studies at the end of the book.

In fact, reading the female perspective in the case studies (starts at p.134) at the end of the book was really one of the highlights for me. You can learn a lot by getting into the mind of a woman, and I found it quite interesting to hear a woman’s perspective on day time situations.

The Bottom Line

If you’re looking for a book on how to approach women during the day, then Daytime Dating by Jeremy Soul should be on your short list of books to read. There really aren’t any other books that cover the subject of day game so extensively.

The fact is that day game is a great way to meet women without the hassle of going to a loud club or bar where you have tons of other men competing for women. If you can get passed the small little issues I had with the book and you want to learn a style of pickup that is geared exclusively towards day game, then this is a book that I would recommend you read. You’ll have the feeling that this book is taking you by the hand and telling you everything you need to know about approaching women during the day which is exactly what I look for in a good book.

Get Daytime Dating Book

Movement: smooth vs. hectic

All right, slow down. This is not a race. Imagine you’re in a park and for whatever reason, you want to attract a squirrel. Are you gonna jump around like Earthworm Jim, or will you slow down all your bodily movement to an almost unnatural level and speak in the calmest voice possible? Never mind the species: we are all scared away by fidgety behavior, sudden moves or outbursts. If you can’t calm the heck down, no girl will want to be around you for long.

Watch guys like James Bond. Never loses his composure, that man. Always smooth and relaxed around women. You want to become like that. You want to slide into the room gently like a a soft summer breeze, with a calm and elegant flow to your movements, your voice, your actions. If you’re into music, think of going from “staccato” to “legato”. Listen to some Bryan Ferry, Jason Mraz, Jamie Cullum, Sade, Simply Red, Sting.

When you walk, savor every step you take. Put your feet down heels first and execute the step to its fullest, with the ground rolling away under your foot from the heel over the sole to the tip of your toes. Breathe slowly and deeply, hold your head high and keep your shoulder slightly back. Don’t bury your hands in your pockets: have your arms dangling freely, or put your hands together behind your back.

Always smile. Not like a slightly dense clown, but like a man that genuinely enjoys his life. In fact, just smiling will trigger a feeling of joy inside you – try it!

Positioning: angled vs. full-frontal

My school mate would literally penetrate girls’ space (and nothing else) with the way he placed himself full-on in front of them. The smart seducer, on the other hand, opens a woman in the least intrusive way possible. I watched a guy at a DVD store. Next to him, a girl was checking out action movies. Without even lifting his glance from the DVDs he was looking at, he calmly asked her: “Hey, do you like action movies?” A small instant passed while she realized he was speaking to her, and during that instant – no sooner – he raised his eyes to look at her, still standing next to her, not significantly turning his body.

It was one of the least intrusive openers I could imagine: there wasn’t even any eye contact when he first spoke to her. I stuck around, and even while they were chatting, he always kept the impression up that he was actually looking at DVDs and his mind was only partly in the conversation. He would hardly turn towards her or make any gestures to allow her into his space. As they talked a bit more, I could literally see her getting more interested: her feelings were surely telling her “here’s this laid-back guy talking to me, but he’s only half-interested in me. What can I do to get more attention from him?”

When she actually said something that interested him, he gave her a little smile (it was really like throwing the squirrel a treat) and slowly “warmed up” to her. She was actually working to get his attention, even though he was the one who initiated the conversation.

In practical terms, this means for you:

- Stand angled or next to her, optionally facing forward at first

- Lean back rather than in

- Point your feet away, as if you’re about to leave

Physical appearance: shape vs. slump

Sorry to break it to you: shape matters. Lift some weights, and get your butt on the treadmill. Do your pushups every morning. You don’t have to become a Men’s Health cover boy, but you want to get a body that’s visibly taken care of. A good, consistent shape will signal that you’re healthy and have some discipline, and that will make you more eligible. It’s like that. While you’re at it, don’t just start working out, but get some more fruit and veggies into your daily diet. Keep eating meat, by all means, but don’t drench it in grease before you do. There are so many decent ways to make a healthy meal appealing.

As you work out and your bodily complexion improves, you will find that your posture automatically benefits from it – you’ll feel more dynamic and vital overall, and you’ll almost automatically walk more upright and with more purpose.

The right body language to attract women radiates both confidence and health. With the changes above, you will get there without much effort, but remember to make these changes stick. If you learn them by heart like lines in a pre-school theater production, it won’t work – they can’t be routines you switch on when “necessary”. Your body language has to be a permanent feature of you that reflects your mindset and personality.

Stationary Guy vs. Motion Man

If you slip inside a girl’s skin for a minute (I know you want it) and picture yourself at a martini lounge, imagine meeting two guys. One will come over and start casual conversation. He will ask what you’re doing, where you’re from, what your hobbies are. The conversation will be friendly, uncomplicated, and it will go on… and on… and on. If you don’t excuse yourself to get a drink soon, you’ll still be there in 2 hours.

Same spot, same guy.

Now, the other guy just waves at you and motions you to come to him. He’ll then take a wild guess about your job, which leads into a conversation about your profession and hobbies. He will spice it up by deliberately misinterpreting your responses, or teasing you. Soon enough, he leads you over to a couch, where you can sit more comfortably, and when a break in the conversation comes up, he’ll take you to the dance floor, and afterwards, outside for a breath of fresh air.

Which guy is more exciting?

A shift in dynamic

It’s the second guy, because he plays with the dynamic of the encounter. Ever notice how a room changes when you spend some time with it? When you go to a place for the first, you’ll get a distinct first impression of the space. After three hours of making friends and getting comfortable, though, the room actually looks and feels different: more familiar, homely, cosy. This impression is especially strong if you spend a lot of time e.g. on the same sofa.

Visitors at a venue undergo that transformation, and you can work with it. If you meet a girl and soon move her to another corner of the place, another room, outside or perhaps another place altogether, you stir things up or even break that feeling of coziness and shelter. The dynamic between you two shifts. Just a minute ago, you were an interesting, but not too intriguing conversation partner. Now, it’s you and her: you’ve become a team, exploring a new setting together. It’s a little adventure: things are in motion! This is literally going somewhere – and you’re the guy controlling it!

Humans respond strongly to physical stimuli. I don’t need to rub an explanation for this in your face about the ancient times of hunterers and gatherers, we both know from experience that physical movement, a change of place, a new outlook stimulate us and awaken our spirit.

The right moment

However, you don’t want to do this right away. Notice how the second guy I described above opens a girl up with some light banter and gets to know her. You want to make her feel familiar and, most importantly, safe around you before you take her away from comfortable surroundings. The key is: she has to be at least equally comfortable around you, otherwise she will not agree to leave her “home zone”, with probably her friends in it, with you.

Your best bet is to be open about your immediate intentions: from the moment you open, she knows you’re talking to her because you find her interesting, so don’t tiptoe around it. When you ask her what she’s doing, the reason is that you’re curious about her. When you tease her, it’s because inside, you can tell that there is attraction (otherwise she wouldn’t be talking to you and asking you questions back) and you’re confident enough to play with it. When you take her to another part of the room, it’s because you like her and want to talk in a more intimate setting. Just say it out loud.

“Bouncing” means doing stuff with a girl rather than just standing there and talking. You start your interaction by chatting, but if you understand the importance of bouncing, you will soon infuse some action – and really, that’s all it is. The stirring of emotions through movement and change.

Then he put his hand on her shoulder:

“Hey, I just want to talk to you!” She turned around fiercely: “Don’t touch me!” As she walked away, she heard him calling after her. “Can I have your number?” If you ever wonder how to ask a girl out, think of the blatant things this guy did wrong. Put yourself into my friend’s position. Now, read more to see how you can do it better.

The right moment

We probably agree that the nighttime stalker did not have his timing down very well. If you remember only one thing from this article, then make it this: TIMING is crucial.

Can you walk up to a girl and immediately ask her out?
Sure, if you’re incredibly confident and attractive.

That is, after you do a loooot of homework. And even then, will it work? Well, possibly. But I wouldn’t hold my breath. That’s because you asking her out is unwarranted and unsubstantiated.

It’s so much easier after you’ve established a fun vibe, some familiarity, and common plans with her. Before you can reasonably ask her out, talk to her long enough to establish you like each other: then, seeing her again will be entirely natural!

The right moment is when it feels right.

When does it feel right?

This depends on how you lead a conversation.

You can talk to a girl about classical music for over an hour and still it won’t feel right to ask her out: there is no reason that would make it seem natural.

Yet, other guys can ask her out and she’ll agree – joyfully – after only a few minutes because they have a reason to ask her out.

To have a basis (reason) for asking her out:

1. Find out what interests you share
2. Find out why you would want to see that girl again
3. Ideally, have an activity set up

Both (!) you and the girl want to feel like you get along great and have fun activities to look forward to!

A model conversation:

You: Hey, my name’s … (or any other opener – low-investment, natural, normal)

Her: Hi!

You/Her: (1-3 minutes banter, observations, what you’re up to)

You: Really? That’s so funny, I’ve been curious about that for years! You should teach me.

Her: Haha, totally.

You: Gimme your number. We could get a tea on Thursday, I’ll show you that café I told you about, and you tell me more.

It’s not a “date”

Did you notice how that didn’t even involve the idea of going on a “date”? It’s just two people who like each other hanging out. The key is to make this a low investment – “I’d like to ask you out on a date” is asking for a much greater commitment than “I like the same thing, we should do it together”.

You can also be straightforward: “I like you. Why don’t we continue this conversation over a tea?” Or just have her join you in any of your everyday activities. You go grocery shopping – she should join you and show you that spice mixture she mentioned.

How to formulate it

Wrong: “Can I ask you to go out with me to that, uh, thing we were… talking about?”

Right: “We should totally do this! Join me!”

Make it an enthusiastic suggestion, not a timid question. You’re a cool guy, she’s a cool girl, it would be great to hang out together. That’s all it is.

The whole idea is to give the budding relationship – where ever you want to take it – the room it needs to breathe and evolve. Some relationships – take one night stands, for instance – evolve quickly, then burn short and hot. Others evolve over time and last for years. You need to allow the proper natural progression for each of them, and knowing how to ask a girl out at the right moment is crucial. Wherever you take her next and when, make it natural.

Give a girl room to chase you

My friend had got carried away with this girl, and that’s how he drove her out of his life. Sure enough, she saw him a couple more times, but eventually, the relationship fizzled out and grinded to a halt. I’m sure she was interested in him at first: he’s a charismatic and passionate guy. If something ignites his excitement, he’s all over it, and he follows through. It’s actually attractive when a guy treats his hobbies that way: he knows so much about Anime, it’s sick. And that sparkle in his eyes when he talks about it – I can imagine his passion left a great impression on the girl.

But then, he applied the same enthusiasm to her. He really wanted her in his life (and who can blame him?), and it showed. Waaay too much.

Instead of relying on nature to work its magic, he tried to “steer” the chemistry between him and the girl, and in doing so, he impeded the one thing that would have worked: a natural unfolding of affection.

Affection unfolds naturally

If you listen to girls – for instance, in the subway, next to you in a café or, hey, you may be blessed enough to have female roommates – you will find that they talk a lot about men. They worry about their chances with that hunky fireman, or the cute photographer. They giggle when they talk about the latest guy they met, and get excited about when he’ll call them again. All this can only happen, though, if you allow the room for it: your job as a man is to throw her a bone and then let her come to you. If you throw her too many bones, she definitely won’t go for your boner.

What you should (not) do

Here’s a list of things you should not do when you want to get together with an amazing girl:

1. Don’t obsess about her, but give her room instead and give her the opportunity to think about you

2. Repeat step 1

Hey, that wasn’t too hard, huh?

Go about your daily business. Do your groceries, go to work, go out with friends, have fun, chat up other girls (hey, you need the practice), then text her when you feel like it. “Hey, I was out with my friends today and this reminded me of you (…).” I need to tell you: my friend pushed that girl really far to make her write “I need some time to myself” Don’t even get anywhere near that point. Just give her the space she needs and give her the gift of missing you from time to time. Before you know it, she’ll be chasing you instead of the other way around!