Artsy Schmartsy

The Passion of The Failure

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 04:42:00 +0000

I’ve been thinking about failure a lot today. Then I’ve been embracing it. Giving it a big hug, and really, really appreciating big, messy failure. All because of a 61-year-old lesbian in a Speedo.

This morning I woke up when my alarm blared at 4:59. I always set my alarm one minute before 5am for some reason that I probably need to look into deeper during some enforced period of self-reflection involving smaller amounts of dairy in my diet and greater amounts of staring at a blank spot on the wall to really “live in the moment.” As I do everyone morning, I stumbled down the stairs of my modest home and instinctively, as a modern digitally addicted adult does, hit the keyboard of my computer to break it’s black screen sleep.

I started scanning the news, thinking about whether or not to plunk down a couple of bucks for the daily Groupon, making sure all the e-mails I firmly wanted to ignore were systematically unhighlighted, and then I saw it. Massive failure. Diana Nyad was out of the water.

If you don’t live with a woman who masquerades that she is going on vacation really just so she can swim across a Great Lake then you might not really know Diana Nyad the way I know Diana Nyad. Diana Nyad at the age of 60 was damned if age was going to lick her and shunned the idea of taking up golf and instead decided that swimming through shark infested waters without a literal or figurative net from Cuba to Florida was the thing to do. She had distinguished herself in the past by doing things like swimming around Manhattan and stroking her arms through the sea for a full day, so a 103 mile swim wasn’t totally out of reach.

But when I heard about this feat from my wife, whose hero worship of Diana Nyad made me think she might leave me for a Speedo clad broad with impressive delts, I thought that the old lady was nuts. Wacko. Bonkers in the head.

And yet, this morning when I saw the news item pop up on my computer screen announcing the Diana Nyad had stopped her swim sometime during the night 29 hours into her trip to Florida I really almost cried. Boy, had she failed.

I considered walking back up the stairs to my bedroom to wake my wife to tell her the news. She had done the same for me when my idol Frank Sinatra had died (though she called me at 3am from Japan, somehow picking up the news before I had). I sat taking the whole moment in and realized that this was going to be one of those intensely personal moments I needed to spend alone. There was a noticeable deficit of dairy at that particular moment, and some real touchy-feeling staring at a spot on the wall going down, I can assure you.

Failure is something that has dogged me at many times in my life. I’ve tried and failed at more things than I care to admit. Many former girlfriends could attest to a series of failures. A failed business is something I have as an interesting little conversation piece on my resume. I cannot cook rice. I am a complete failure at that simple cooking skill. I am a guy who knows failure.

As I stared at that wall I began to very quickly have a love affair with failure. Diana Nyad’s monumental failure had led me to this contra-victorious moment. She had left it all on the mat, and despite the fact that she had made it less than half way towards her goal, she had spent 29 hours swimming though an ocean. During that time period I had eaten a bowl of pasta changed my Netflix plan and struggled to find a clean pair of underwear in the clothes basket. She may have failed, but I think she really won.

So for anyone who wishes to trash Diana Nyad, I am prepared to give you a knuckle sandwich. That broad has balls.

What have we learned today?

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 04:51:00 +0000

First, I look great in a dress.

That's me as Edna in HAIRSPRAY with the marvelous kids of Pius XI High School. I am so grateful that they hired an Equity Union Thug Actor like me to play along in their super talented playground.

That's one thing you can all say you learned today. Congratulations. Knowledge is good.

Another thing you learned today is that if you somehow misplace 14,000 votes in a contentious election during a historic period in your state's history it's best to say, "Ooops! Sorry!"

Chalk that up to another lesson learned.

Along those lines it's best to make that missing vote mistake in a county that favors the person who benefits from the late discovery of your mix up because you're in an elected position so that means you might get some heat when you go on television to apologize but you'll still have a job the next morning because the good people of your community elected you into your position and so you will be around for a while more at least.

Lesson numero sixteen or seventeen (I've lost track) is that the fact that the Federal government very possibly might be shut down in 24 hours is not the lead story in your community when those 14,000 votes pop up out of the blue.

That's an important lesson, indeed. Oh, and another bit of learning in the air is that some people love Planned Parnethood and other people don't and sometimes that is enough to possibly shut down the Federal government.

Perhaps the most important lesson of the day, however, is to always take a sweater with you when you leave home during April in Wisconsin. It might be the only thing that we all can agree upon. That and the fact that I am a sweet piece of ass as a lady.

Modern Romance

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 03:50:00 +0000

Here is the view from my bedroom. Hot, right?

This is the eve of the Spring election in Wisconsin and my wife and I have decided to head to the sack for the night. With our laptops, of course.

Isn't my bride a hottie? That's her behind the laptop...I'm sure you can see her, right?

It's true that in my house over the past few months, things have gotten really steamy. Hot. Turgid.

We've become political junkies, and the picture of our boudoir is one that has become fairly regular. Hot. Let me repeat, hot. (Laptops really do get warm.)

I'm contemplative now as I watch our new County Executive Chris Abele give his victory speech. I am considering something that Chris told me time and time again as he advised me as a former Board member and major contributor to my late great theatre company Bialystock & Bloom: UNDER PROMISE AND OVER DELIVER (I might not have listened as soundly as I should have or it might not have been a former, okay). I wish anyone who chooses to become a public servant (and that's what I think Chris has just officially become tonight) a great deal of good vibes. Speaking as a public person to our public servants we all have put our faith in to lead, I hope all our winners tonight do that UNDER PROMISE AND OVER DELIVER kind of thing in a big way. Dazzle me with surprises.

Also, I think it is important to acknowledge that our new County Executive has really well made suits and will look great shaking Lee Holloway's hand.

As for the hottness in my bedroom, there is a lot of clicking and clacking going on. I just got to scratch my wife's back, so that's kind of cool, but the discovery of Twitter from my better half has ratcheted up the romance in ways I had never considered when we tied the knot. 160 characters at a time, of course.

A Short List of Trivialities

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 04:41:00 +0000

Today I woke up thinking I was voting for one guy, and decided to vote for another guy. Research is good. Sorry, Pedro.
In the past month I have decided it is important to not spend my money in places or on people that give me the hives. Why did I need to be 40 to understand this?
Discount Liquor is good for so many things. Especially pretzels at the checkout for kids you drag into the liquor store.
I have no use for creeps. None. That means you.
I am concerned that the legs that I shaved for dramatic purposes over three weeks ago are not as hairy as I thought they would be by now.
You should never serve lunch at a five-year-old's party. Snacks, yes. Lunch, no.
I'm a Mac, definitely not a PC.
Many women I know chose the small serving bowl when the large one is the better choice.
I'm reading a book that irritates me so much because it actually got published that I think it will be the thing that causes me to finally finish my languishing book project.
Feed The Dragon is a game similar to bean bag toss, I created it, I designed it, and it is the most awesome game in the world (you'll have to ask for pictures if you really want to see it.)
I think the Brewers season opener is a clear indicator of the rest of their season and reason for me to breath a sigh of relief that I will once again be ignoring baseball in Milwaukee this year.
Kids today. They are smarter, more talented and prettier than we were back in the day. Must be the iPad.
When I am stuck in a writing purgatory, posting lists of trivialities on my blog is a good release (sorry).

Listen...that's the sound of the great American lame-o

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 11:23:00 +0000

In the past week I have had many doors slammed in my face as I canvassed neighborhoods looking to recall a Republican State Senator, told that my "friends" in Madison, WI are a bunch of thugs, and given a lesson in economics by a very good friend who happens to have a Ron Johnson for US Senate and Leah Vukmir for State Senate bumper sticker on his car.

Tough week, right? The tears are rolling down my cheeks? I'm biting my pillow and not coming out of my room?

No, no. I'm just doing what dear old dad taught me so wisely to do. Smile.

I should elaborate on this a bit. My dad once gave me a very fine phrase that I come back to again and again. It's pretty simple, but sometimes those simple things prove to be the most effective. Ready? Get your pencils out. Here it is:

"The best way to say fuck you is with a smile on your face."

Pretty nice, huh? I imagine you're smiling now, too. My pop's smart little credo is a lesson in negotiation and reason. The smile is not easily mounted on your face. Far from it. What it requires is listening and a real ability to keep your mouth shut when it is best to keep your mouth shut.

I jot this thought down after watching a short clip of a Town Hall meeting led by U.S. Represenative Jim Sensenbrenner and State Senator Leah Vukmir. If you live in the state of Wisconsin, or, better yet, reside in Wauwatosa, I'm sure you've heard that Sensenbrenner shut the meeting down after folks in the audience were vocally challenging everything that came out of Vukmir's mouth.

Vocally challenging is a pretty kind statement. They were crawling up her ass--let's face facts.

I must first admit that Jim Sensenbrenner has struck me as a blow hard wind bag ever since I saw him speak when I attended something called the Hugh O'Brien Youth Leadership Seminar back in my squeaky clean teen years. (It was nerd camp held in a motel focused on making nerds leaders. You can be the judge of whether or not Mr. O'Brien, a B-list movie and television star, got his propers with me or not.) I will also claim to believe that Leah Vukmir is a fairly incapable public servant and is probably in office now more because she possessed an unbelievable amount of yard signs in the last election than because of any capability or leadership qualities.

I am not fans of either of these elected officials. And this is precisely why I wish to say "fuck you" with a smile on my face.

I mention this, and I know that some of my activist friends think this is a wimpy thing to do, because witnessing a five minute video online of the end of the Sensenbrenner/Vukmir meeting last night, I really kind of wish all the people who were angry in that meeting (believe me, I own that anger right along with you) had zipped it a little more. Had Vukmir and Sensenbrenner continued to talk without interruption, the truth would have been abundantly clear: they are morons.

But morons can hide behind moments like this and say, "But there was no point going on, no one would listen to anything I was saying...blah, blah, blah, blah...more moron talk...blah, blah." I gotta give the morons of the world a point or two on that one. Vukmir didn't have a chance of finishing one sentence in that Town Hall meeting, and that is a shame. Had she been able to do so, today we would have had a full set of on-the-record statements to rip apart, refute, gnash or teeth over and ultimately use to say "fuck you."

Listening is hard. Very hard. (Hearing even more so, especially when you are a man like me and your wife can prove time and again that you suffer from a male pattern of hearing loss called Selecto Wifo Sayo--that's Latin, I think). My father reminds me in my head on an almost daily basis, that I shouldn't tell the asshole in front of me to kiss me where the sun don't shine, but to rise above, listen hard, and slam them good when the time comes.

The end of the video I watched as good men and women frustrated with the political scene in Wisconsin shuffled out of a community room in their neighborhood was filled with the increasingly familiar chant "THIS IS WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE". Almost, folks. Almost. Democracy is about everyone having a voice. Even the ones who deserve a little "fuck you."

TAXES!! LOVE THEM!!

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 04:38:00 +0000

I found this old fourth grade essay I wrote years ago in some old clippings (okay, I'm lying to you, but I like the dramatic effect of that last statement) and thought I'd share it with you all today as we celebrate democracy and austerity with the presentation of a new two-year budget for the State of Wisconsin. Enjoy.

Why I Like Taxes
By Jon West

The title of my essay is why I like taxes and in this essay I will talk about why I like taxes.

Why I like taxes is because of many reasons. I like taxes because when I finish all the potato chips in the house and throw the bag in my garbage so nobody finds out I'm the person who finishes all the potato chips in the house the garbage man Bill comes to my house and takes away the garbage. He takes the potato chip bag away because taxes help him be a garbage man. This is one of the reasons I like taxes.

Why I also like taxes is because I was riding my bike to school and my front tire got flat one day because I rode over a big pot hole in the street and then later that week a man came and fixed the hole in the street so other kids wouldn't get flat tires on their bikes and that was because of taxes. I like taxes because of that reason.

You know why I like taxes? Let me tell you another reason why I like taxes. I like taxes because there was once a time when I left my football shoulder pads that really didn't fit me but were mine anyway and somebody came and stole them from my garage. Then a policeman named Officer Bob came and asked me all these questions and gave me a plastic policeman badge that was really cool and that I liked more than my shoulder pads so I didn't think about them no more. I like taxes because Officer Bob made me forget about my shoulder pads until he came to my house with them two days later, so that's one other reason why I like taxes because Officer Bob can do that for kids because of taxes.

Why I also like taxes is the reason that I am writing this essay and knowing that I am not so good a writer as a fourth grader but know that I will become a better writer as I grow older and become a fifth and sixth grader. I know that I like taxes because they will help pay Mrs. Tunney who is the really good fifth grade teacher who I really, really, really hope I get next year and I know she will teach me how I can write more better. I like taxes because they help me be smarter because of better teachers.

To end why I like taxes I can tell you that I like taxes because everyone pays taxes so it's something we all do together. It doesn't matter if you are rich or not rich because you get to pay taxes like everyone else and that is a good thing. I like taxes because it means we all get to do stuff together and that is cool. Thank you for reading my essay, and thank you for paying taxes, too.

And that, my friends, is pretty much still why I like taxes. Sometimes you just get it in the fourth grade, I guess.

The end.

Atomic Prank: Scott Walker's Booty Call

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 23:06:00 +0000

I have a confession to make. I have enabled serial prank calling in my checkered youth.

It's true. And when I say I was an enabler, that's simply what I was. I could never fully muster the courage to take the lead on a prank phone call. But, I had a very fun house growing up, and with four phones that were available for one caller and three listeners, my house was prank phone call central. Plus, my parents didn't mind if my pals and I smoked a cigar or two in the house while we drank black coffee and listened to Roger Whitaker (yes, I was a strange teen). Full disclosure, my mom was often one of those listeners, but no fears; this was long before she was a teacher represented by a union--prior to that she was clearly no good.

The phone call scenario became routine. My three best friends in the world, Chris, Chad and Tom would come to my house for Sunday night dinner and eat like we were at a Shriners' convention. Full of beef, potatoes and probably a wedge of ice berg lettuce with cheddar cheese (blue cheese would have been too haute cuisine for us all back in high school), we would put the percolator on and boil up a pot of the thickest, blackest coffee you've ever been unable to see through, let alone drink. We would get all hopped up on a few cups of grounds with a dash of hot water and decide which unsuspecting victim would fall that evening to the vocal charms of Chris, our mighty leader.

Chris was always the best. He was the absolute king of the prank call. Beyond our Sunday night calls, Chris was involved in a semi-serious club called The Fun Bunch, a men's club of sorts into which you were initiated after you could get a pizza delivery driver, a cabbie, and a chicken truck to arrive at someone's house for pickup and delivery within 5 minutes of each other. I continue to be in awe of the seeming effortlessness with which Chris embraced his talents of trickery. Dialing someone on a phone and convincing the person on the other end of the line that he was not who he was came easy to Chris, and I suspect it has not held him back in his meteoric career as a tremendously successful salesman.

We would contemplate a call sheet. There were one-offs with girls we kind of liked, but were too shy to approach face-to-face. There were multi-caller efforts which required callbacks and insider information regarding cars that teachers were trying to drive or planned orders of French pastries. One memorable storyline had Chris acting like a car buyer who had purchased a notorious brown car from one of our high school teachers, dialing the seller up because he was stranded on the Hoan bridge. We three friends provided background sound effects with cupped hands and throat thrills sounding like the grinding gears of rushing traffic. Nerds, but nerds with flair.

The penultimate moment, however, was The Pete Indus Escapade. An underclassman, a fairly decent if easily dupe worthy fellow, was the person Chris had his sights set on for this particular set of shenanigans. Chris began with a simple phone call, introducing himself as an older man named Peter Indus. He had seen our younger classmate's signs up around town that suggested he was the boy to hire for all those things you hire suburban boys to do in the Midwest. Think lawn mowing, think leaf raking, think snow shoveling--your normal kind of stuff.

Pete Indus lasted for weeks, and then months. We would leave our Sunday night calls, laughing so hard it hurt, taking time in person during the week to draw more stories out of our sometimes friend who was receiving our calls, all the while he never knew that it was in fact Chris who was an elderly man who apparently lived in a home with a dance floor, room for a samba band, and parking for his super enormous Cadillac (cars, there were always cars in our stories). The fun had to end after a couple of months, we knew if just couldn't last. I made my debut one night, effectively killing Pete Indus as I took the phone, put on a phony voice and claimed to be his attendant at the looney bin (tragic that we resorted to a kindergarten ending after so much effort, but the sheer volume of the material made up for a soft ending).

Those days seem long past, and the victory lap of making a really effective prank phone call seemed a thing of the past to me in these days of caller ID, smart phone tracking, and Facetime chats.

Until today.

Chris was king, but a successor has taken the thrown. Ian Murphy, Scott Walker's prank caller is the rightful new owner of the crown.

I've listened to Ian's amazing feat, his really bad vocal patter as billionaire Tea Party wallet holder David Koch. I bow to his greatness, and know what Ian knows as a master prankster. His actions were all impulse, all bravado, all cocksure "what-the-helledness." And the most amazing thing about this phone call is that no incredible plots are unearthed (okay, maybe a few nominally incredible plots were discussed) and no new light was shed on Scott Walker's character that surprise the left or the right (we on the left still think Scott Walker is a weasel, and the right has every right in the world to continue to say that Walker is steadfast, strong and won't back down). Ian Walker can pin the label on Scott Walker that all we prank callers hope to be able to claim. SCOTT WALKER IS A RUBE.

A RUBE. It's such a lovely word. Not really a dirty word, but its four letters don't make it something you get to brag about actually being. A rube is someone who really can't look beyond the tip of their nose. A rube is someone who doesn't think deeper into a situation to understand they are being played. A rube is someone an ill-prepared blogger can keep on the phone for nearly 20 minutes when the rest of the world can't get through. Scott Walker, you sir, are a rube.

Here's the thing that the uninitiated need to know about the goal of a prank caller: time means everything. Our goals as teenage callers gently nudging our friends and teachers were not to have "Eureka!" moments. We cared less about finding out any secrets or weird ticks from any of our callers than clocking some serious minutes. Being able to hold the line with the most talked about Governor in the United States right now for the better part of a half hour and sneak in a phrase like, "They’re probably putting hobos in suits," without the conversation falling to shreds tells me that we pranksters have a new God. Ian Murphy--you da man!

I won't analyze the details of Walker's talked about plans for Senatorial shell games. Didn't we all think those were going to happen anyway? I'm sure the folks on the right think their Scooter is even more of a rising star because he didn't blink, while we on the left continue to have more gasoline to put on the fires of our protest. That's not the point of this set of shenanigans.

The greater point is that we have a rube leading our state. The folks we called in high school were by and large really decent people. But they were, to a person, great shining examples of rubes. You might buy them breakfast at some point just because you felt bad about how easy it was to dupe them, but you never really wanted them to be making decisions that would effect your life in big ways. Rubes have never proven to be too good at that.

This prank outranks any others I've heard, however, because it is not only an Atomic Prank, but it is one serious Wiggly Booty Call. This phone conversation works on so many levels as one for the history books. Of course, you've got the prank element, that we've established already. The added exposure of Scott Walker taking a booty call from David Koch makes this richer than rich in ways we all need to appreciate for a moment. Let me put it this way--if you've ever made or had a booty call made to you, think about who is on the other end of the line. It's always someone you want to get into bed with, right? What private citizen (or imposter claiming to be that private citizen) gets through to the highest ranking elected official in our state during a statewide protest that recalls the biggest surges of activism in the 1960s? One with a tremendously appealing Koch.

Let's face the facts, this probably isn't going to make or break the next moves in this addictive chess game we are calling democracy in action/inaction. We on the left are certainly planning to work on a recall effort for Mr. Walker as soon as we are able (314 days, but who's counting), and I feel quite confident that since he has exposed himself so successfully as a rube, we have a great chance to get him out of office as soon as possible given the dictates of laws of the land. In the meantime, we who wish for this must get on two trains running and arrive at the station at the same time we show a rube out of the bar car with someone very un-rube-like to take his place. Females need apply, as I pretty much believe we'd all be better off if chicks were running things. (And, no, that was not my middle aged male plea for a booty call, thank you very much.)

I know the conservatives who are backing Walker as a man of principle are steadfast in their belief that their man won't back down, and that he is no one's push toy. But don't you think after hearing that call, there might be a few flecks of doubt about how un-bitchlike their man Scott Walker is? Don't you think the words "Koch Bitch" might be swirling around somewhere? Thought so.

It's a triumph in a way to crown Ian Murphy the new king of prank calls today, but I do feel bad for my long time friend Chris. Today's fallen ruler is a guy I care about very much. Most of all I feel bad for my pal because this former Poobah of The Pranksters, one of the dearest friends I have in the world, a guy I would do anything for, someone I absolutely adore and love, is one of the most staunchly conservative guys I know (I even remember him waxing poetic about what a progressive, smart guy Walker was as Milwaukee County Executive as I held back the rush of vomit in my throat). Today a liberal threw down and exposed a rube. It's gotta hurt my pal Chris a bit, but I hope he's laughing a little at that hobo line.

Pizza--The Only Thing We Can Agree On Right Now

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 13:53:00 +0000

So, the head of the Wisconsin Education Association Council representing 98,000 educators in the State (Mary Bell), and the leader of AFSCME Council 24 which represents 60,000 workers (Marty Beil), have both said that they are willing to concessions for their unions that Scott Walker wants to help close the budget gap. They want that collective bargaining crushing language removed from the Budget Repair Bill, however.

Scott Walker's answer?: NO.

That's 158,000 people (give or take a few) who I believe would vote to recall Scott Walker in January of 2012.

Archbishop Jerome Listekci representing the 640,000 Catholics in The Archdiocese of Milwaukee issued a statement supporting the right of unions to have a place at the bargaining table. (Invoking Popes and God and things, don't you know.)

Scott Walker's Stance: NO NEGOTIATION.

158,000 + 640,000= 798,000 Recall Votes

Green Bay Packers players have even stepped up to issue statements defending the rights of workers and urging State Legislators to not strip unions of their collective bargaining rights.

Scott Walker says to the Superbowl victors: NO. NO. NO.

798,000+10,000,000,000 Green Bay Packers Fans = A lot of people who think that balancing a budget should not be done by taking away collective bargaining agreements

Oh, and I forgot to mention the firefighters and the policemen who have publicly said and shown that they regret endorsing Walker for Government. And that's a few people you can add into the mix.

Let's not forget the fact that Ian's Pizza in Madison has over 10,000 Facebook fans, and that's because they have been feeding the protestors at The State Capitol with donations from around the world to keep the troupes nourished.

Pizza talks, bullshit walks.

This is all to say that the fight for allowing our Democratic Senators and Representatives to have normal, substantial debate and discussion on the Budget Repair Bill is not only acceptable, it is the rage of loads of Wisconsin citizens. So, I urge us all to continue to lend our voice to this continuing standoff. The battle (and it is a battle now, let's face it) has just begun.

But let's all be smart about this, okay? There's a lot of talk of recall--and I'm all for that. Recall who needs to be recalled when they can be recalled. But for those of us who believe recall is an option for our elected officials who are not representing the best interests in the long term for the State of Wisconsin, we need to do substantive work on finding candidates who are willing to work with civility, embrace compromise and are able to chip away at a system of two parties battling for one ideology over the other (good God, could that be progressive talk--I sound like Russ Feingold or something!).

My mother (a union represented teacher, full disclosure on that one for you folks) has an axiom: If you have a problem, make a plan. I like what mom has to say, but I have my own axiom: You make a plan so you can change the plan. Change is not mandated by what you believed when you came up with the plan. Change is mandated by listening to the lay of the land as you get into the implementation of a plan. Some things always work they way you think they will, some things don't. I challenge anyone to convince me otherwise that things are going the way that everyone planned in the State of Wisconsin right now. I see some short term solutions to budget problems (accepting concessions, perhaps even more cuts in the future) but I know that long term workers rights (there's that collective bargaining thing again) are a good thing because like them or not unions are responsible for making sure you can golf on those two days you get off called a weekend and for the fact that your eight year old is not dying in a garment factory fire right now.

So, get to work all of us. (And if you don't think the 14 Wisconsin Senators who are in Illinois right now are getting to work, I need to buy you a beer and tell you why I voted for the likes of Chris Larson and why he probably has my vote for life.)

Politics becomes personal

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 07:52:00 +0000

I had the chance to join the remarkable peaceful protest of the Budget Repair Bill and Governor Scott Walker on February 19. I had the great occasion to join others in lending their voices to this important discussion on maintaining the rights for all workers in the state of Wisconsin.

I was drawn to take the megaphone and share my thoughts, my story, because I suddenly realized how personal this situation has become for me. Standing there in the Capitol Rotunda, surrounded by men and women with the capacity to lean in and listen, I have hope for our legislative process if and only if the behavior of civil discourse and reasonable shows of dissent modeled by the citizens of Wisconsin taking up this important discussion can be practiced between our elected officials. My fine friend Jimmy caught my words on tape. This one became personal to me because frankly if you start to treat my mom and her fellow teachers and union members like second class citizen, you best be warned that I will make some noise.

Your Own Budget Repair Bill Tutorial

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 07:19:00 +0000

If you've read Artsy Schmartsy before you'll know that I'm fairly confident in my assessment of my own worth as a writer...a trembling hack most of the time, I am. That is why it is nice to read something sound, well researched and reasonable. I turn this post of Artsy Schmartsy over to Andrea Hoeschen and her very fine tutorial on Wisconsin Assembly Bill 11 (the Budget Repair Bill). It's a little lengthy, but I guarantee, you will want to read it in its entirety and consider all of Andrea's very finely stated facts. Here's your tutorial to use and share with others:

Why should I care about Governor Walker’s “Budget Repair Bill”?

A tutorial on the contents and impact of Wisconsin Assembly Bill 11

Everyone else has to sacrifice. Why shouldn’t government workers?

The leader of Wisconsin’s public sector union has told Wisconsin governor Scott Walker that employees are willing to accept significant reductions in pay and benefits, but the governor insists that employees take what he has offered without negotiations, and that workers give up rights to bargain in the future. Even though the “budget repair bill” would result in serious losses in take-home pay for all public workers, there is a willingness to sacrifice. The public sector unions are opposing the elimination of bargaining rights.

Like Walker says, if the state doesn’t have anything to offer, why should it bargain?

Whether the state has something to offer is a debatable point in its own right. Regardless, bargaining gives employees a say in how they sacrifice. It gives them an opportunity to negotiate no change in health insurance contributions if they are willing live with insurance that requires more deductibles or co-pays, or keep pay the same if they are willing to pay more for health insurance. Or negotiate bigger wage cuts for higher paid positions to lessen the impact on employees who make less and are more vulnerable. The ability to bargain does not mean that unionized employees get what they want. Wisconsin’s public sector labor laws, which have worked well for nearly 50 years, allow each party to negotiate. If they can’t reach an agreement, an independent arbitrator decides which offer is more fair by comparing the offers to other government wage and benefit packages and private employee wages and benefits, looking at whether either side has previously sacrificed one benefit to preserve another, and the effect of each offer on taxpayers. The current statute requires arbitrators to give the MOST consideration to the government employer’s revenue and the local economy when choosing between the offers. About 60% of the time in the last decade, arbitrators selected the government’s final offer over the employees’ final offer. Wisconsin public employees have no right to strike over their demands.

But even if the current state finances would make a mutually agreeable settlement impossible, the governor’s bill also takes away the right of city and county employees to bargain, regardless of the finances in their city or county. It takes away all public employees’ rights to bargain in the future, regardless of future economic conditions. The bill also restricts city and county governments’ abilities to manage their workforce by limiting the pay and benefits that they can provide, by capping the amount that cities and counties can contribute to health insurance or pension, and capping the pay raises they can agree to. For example, a county with a higher cost of living than average will be prohibited from offering enhanced pay or benefits. A remote town that has difficulty attracting people to certain positions will have little ability to offer wage or benefit incentives to attract and keep employees.

I work in the private sector and I don’t belong to a union. I don’t have any bargaining rights, so why should I care about public workers’ bargaining rights?

Actually, you do have bargaining rights. All employees in the private sector are protected by a federal law that protects your right to join a union or not join a union. And regardless of whether you have a union in your workplace, the federal law protects your right to get together with a few other co-workers, go to the boss, and say, “Your competitor pays his employees more. We’d like our wages to be more competitive,” or “Could you consider adding a 401k program,” or “That back stairwell has poor lighting and slippery floors. Can we do something to make it a little safer?” Because of the existing federal law, you can’t be fired for doing any of those things. The forces that are supporting Scott Walker behind the scenes have an agenda that starts with Wisconsin, moves to other states, and ultimately includes eliminating protections for all workers, public and private sector.

I’m a free agent, and I’d like to own a small business. I really think life would be easier without any worker protections.

On to healthcare. The “Budget Repair Bill” removes the legislature from the process of making changes to BadgerCare, SeniorCare and Medicaid. The bill directs the the Department of Health Services (DHS) to review these three programs to find ways to make them more efficient and less expensive. The governor appoints the director of the DHS, and the DHS answers directly to the governor, not the legislature. Any changes recommended by DHS only have to be review by the Joint Committee on Finance and approved by the governor. NO LEGISLATIVE VOTE IS REQUIRED. The Joint Committee on Finance is currently controlled by republicans. In effect, changes to BadgerCare, SeniorCare, and Medicaid could be made UNILATERALLY by the governor! This is a change to current law, which requires legislative approval to most changes (just like laws require legislative approval. Remember “checks and balances” from junior high civics?)

Great! I totally trust Walker’s decisions on healthcare.

This change in the law will remain on the books even if Wisconsin someday has a democratic governor. Do you trust a future democratic governor to sign a bill giving up unilateral authority over healthcare programs? And how authoritarian is it really? It would permit the DHS to: “promulgate any rule under this provision as an emergency rule, using the procedures for emergency rules established in Chapter 227. However, provide that DHS is not required to provide evidence that promulgating a rule as an emergency rule is necessary for the preservation of the public peace, health, safety, or welfare and that DHS is not required to provide a finding of an emergency for the rule.” In other words, the bill allows the governor to issue emergency rules regarding health programs without an emergency.

Whatever. So long as Walker is opposed to Obamacare, I don’t care about stuff like BadgerCare and SeniorCare.

Actually, Walker’s bill requires a study on the feasibility of pushing state employees out of state-provided health insurance entirely, and instead requiring them to get health insurance through the health care insurance exchanges that are supposed to be established as part of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act of 2010 (The PPAT or “Obamacare”). The bill actually cites the PPAT as a likely option for state employees’ healthcare. However, the Republican-controlled House of Representatives voted on February 17, 2011 to withhold funding for implementation of PPAT, and one of Walker’s first acts as governor was to authorize the Wisconsin state attorney general to join a number of other states in challenging the PPAT in court. Walker has also said he will not authorize any state funds to be used to implement the PPAT in Wisconsin. So this part of the bill is puzzling by any standard.

Not Obamacare! Keep the government out of my health care!

Then you’d better not become a state employee. Walker’s bill gives the state insurance board authority to REQUIRE state employees to take health risk assessments and participate in wellness programs of the state’s choosing.

Sources: The Wheeler Report, prepared the Legislative Fiscal Bureau, http://thewheelerreport.com/releases/February11/0214/0214lfb.pdf

Wisconsin Assembly Bill 11 (“Budget Repair Bill”), available at http://ballotpedia.org/wiki/index.php/Wisconsin_Assembly_Bill_11,_the_%22Scott_Walker_Budget_Repair_Bill%22_(2011)

Prepared by Andrea F. Hoeschen, Milwaukee, WI

Andrea Hoeschen obtained her juris doctor from Tulane Law School in 1995. She represented public and private sector labor unions in Wisconsin, Louisiana, Iowa, and Michigan until 2008. She now is the owner of Starting Line Athletics, and maintains a small private law practice.

PROPOSITION: MADISON--my hot wheels

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Sat, 19 Feb 2011 01:00:00 +0000

For those of you who don't follow me on Facebook, I wanted to mention a proposition that I made relating to a Saturday roadtrip to Madison, WI. Here's what I proposed:

I will drive to Madison tomorrow afternoon. I am anti-Budget Repair Bill and Scott Walker. I have seats for 2 others who feel as I do, and 3 seats for people who feel differently (I trust we would have a charming conversation). I will drive, we will all share gas costs, but I pick the music on the radio--I will not be bullied into compromising on that. Who's in?

So far, I've got someone for one of the two "I AGREE WITH JONATHAN" seats. At this point, no takers for the three "JONATHAN HAS BAD TASTE IN POLITICS AND MUSIC" seats.

My new Mazda 5 is set to leave sometime after 3pm from Milwaukee on February 19 (that's Saturday, folks). You want in, you e-mail me at jonathanwest@artsyschmartsy.com. We'll see what we can arrange.

govgeneral@wisconsin.gov, YOU'VE GOT MAIL!

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 19:04:00 +0000

govgeneral@wisconsin.gov (All you need to do is click that link, and you get to send an e-mail directly to the Governor of the State of Wisconsin--ain't the internets grand!)

Again, that e-mail address is govgeneral@wisconsin.gov.

I urge you to write a letter to Governor Scott Walker about whatever you would like to write (yes, I know there some non-lefty-liberals who read Artsy Schmartsy, so both of you may feel free to write the Governor a complimentary e-mail about his haircut). The Governor's office reported that as of late yesterday that he had received almost 8,000 e-mails, a major portion of which they/he claims are supportive of his Budget Repair Bill. Well, I for one know that he is about to receive at least one that is not. Here's my letter, a letter that I freely share and offer as a basis for your own if you stand in opposition to Governor Walker's maneuvering to strip unions of their collective bargaining rights:

Dear Governor Walker,

I am a lifelong resident of the State of Wisconsin. I have treasured the fact that I live in a state which embraces the "Forward!" philosophy of progress. That is why I write this letter strongly in opposition to your budget repair bill that is being offered for consideration to the Wisconsin Senate and Assembly at this moment.

This budget repair plan in its present form devalues Wisconsin's greatest resource: its workers. Your current actions in no way help focus the idea of compromised discussion on resolving Wisconsin's budget issues. As I understand it, the State budget deadline is June 30. That makes me question the timing and implementation of forcing a vote on a bill that has not had proper public debate, and is clearly splintering our electorate.

I must also thank you for mobilizing a sleeping lion called progress. I'm not talking of the progress you and those who stand by you in watershed moment of labor relations in the state of Wisconsin, but instead the true progress that comes from civil dissent. If we who stand in direct opposition to your current stance are unable to have an impact now, I can state unequivocally that a mandate for true progress will sweep through the next election cycle and your faithful friends who have chosen to stand by you in your stance of no compromise will be looking for new employment. If this situation does occur, and there is a new slate of legislators in Madison looking to work towards real, rational progress, I hope and pray that the elected officials who work with you now to block discussion and reasonable, measured change but will eventually be voted out of office by the laborers of Wisconsin are not counting on looking for work as a public employee in the State of Wisconsin. Your plan will make those options untenable for all the hard working men and women in the State of Wisconsin.

Sincerely,

Jonathan West
jonathanwest@artsyschmartsy.com

An alternative note for those of you looking for brevity is:

Dear Governor Walker,

Your Budget Repair Bill blows. I would vote for a goat before I voted for you.

(That last one is stolen from the brilliant and charming Allison Forbes, a wordsmith if every there was one.)

You don't take the office and then get to be Helen Keller

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 12:42:00 +0000

I have many, many friends and colleagues who I disagree with point-for-point on any political discussion. That's just the kind of guy I am. We can debate the merits of civil unions, collective bargaining, the value of high speed transit, never see eye to eye and then agree that we're having anchovies on our pizza. That's the way I think it should be.

But I need to clarify something for my proud friends and colleagues who are standing by their man and their movement (I'm seeing a lot of Tea Party rhetoric from some of my pals, I'll admit) and saying that Scott Walker and the State Senate is doing the right thing by failing to discuss compromise and working towards stripping Wisconsin workers of important rights (its not only workers folks, there's going to be impacts on Badgercare, education, you name it).

You simply cannot take office and then act like Helen Keller. This is to say that when you are the top banana, the blind, deaf trick just will not do.

The claim that the Wisconsin voters spoke in November and elected Scott Walker and a Republican controlled Senate because that's what they wanted to do is one I cannot argue. He won. They won. I have great respect for the system. That system also says that debate continues even when it's not election season. That system allows for civil protest if a large part of the electorate has a problem with issues coming from their governing body.

It is impossible to be a movement for change like the Tea Party movement and then lambast protestors as a group of folks who should just suck it up and take their governmental medicine. Progress means debate. Debate means dissent. Dissent means discussion. Discussion means compromise. Compromise means progress. It really all comes back to progress. We all agree that progress is a good thing, when we embrace that, our nation and state work most effectively. But progress cannot be determined by the touted victor saying, "I won! I won! I don't need to listen to anyone who disagrees with me!" (Democrats, that one is for you, too, okay. Love ya, but just want to make sure you know that's how I feel.)

Okay, anchovies on the pizza. That's something I hope we can agree on, because they are delish.

A lesson in collective bargaining from Carmela Suozzi, age 4

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 04:33:00 +0000

It is 10:30pm on Thursday, February 17th as I write this. My wife and two of my closest friends have gotten in our car and driven to Madison, WI to join thousands of others at the State Capitol to lend their voice to the ongoing protest against Governor Scott Walker's bill to limit union bargaining rights. There is a very large part of me that wishes I was standing beside them right now, actively participating in this civil act of dissent. But, I am a father. And a responsible one. Someone had to stay home with the girls.

Getting a sitter on short notice wasn't such an option. And I will admit that the coming day for me is one that requires a certain type of sharpness. So, a 3am roadtrip home from Madison didn't seem prudent. And, yes, the kiddos need a little adult supervision in case the roof falls in or something (it's happened in our house, that's why I'm sensitive to being a protective dad).

I do not have the night wind in my face, I am not bolstered by State Street energy and the shared snacks of throngs of citizens fighting to be heard and fighting for those who can't fight for themselves. I do, however, have a lesson in collective bargaining from Carmela Suozzi, age 4, that gives me pause on some of my own internal frustrations and makes me realize that in our current climate of partisan struggles that activism (and really, just being active) is such a great alternative to reactivism.

I, like many of my fellow liberal friends, bemoaned the fact that Scott Walker was probably going to become our next Governor when it became clear last year that he was going to be the Republican candidate. I did not then, nor do I now, believe that Scott Walker is a good leader for the State of Wisconsin. My reason is simple, if not even simple minded. He is a pig-headed, non-compromising, ambition driven, crony loving-son of a preacher man. Other than that, I'm sure he's a nice fellow.

I have long held these beliefs. Going all the way back to 2002 when he came in as Milwaukee County Executive and performed a couple of early stunts to show he was the guy to lead the County, but quickly showed that his lack of real leadership (a leader listens first, and then acts to do the right thing) pinned him as a pig-headed, non-compromising...you get the picture.

And, yet, I did so little to prevent the election of Scott Walker to our state's governorship. I didn't call, I didn't write, I didn't do what needed to be done to help prevent the Tsunami of crap that is taking place in our State politics right now. This is my fault, and as we approach elections in the future, and I am outraged by any candidate on the ballot, I will work tirelessly to prevent an election to a post that I don't believe should happen.

At the same time, I had one of those stupid moments in my life today when, in a moment of frustration with my own often ineffectual union (AEA, Actors Equity), I kind of thought it was pointless to do anything because I wasn't so sure about this union thing. I basically became a whiny little weenie. I am not, however, pig-headed. I am simply dim witted, but blessed with three women in my life who constantly help me see that it is never good to be a weenie.

A discussion about my feelings on the state of the state started with my wife today, and I knew I had crossed the line into mouth-breather territory when my bride started a sentence with the words, "You know that's the problem I have with people like you..." That's a killer, and that's one that either makes you angry all day, or makes you think about what the hell is wrong with your own brain.

I chose to consider my brain. My wife was right to challenge me on my weak little irritation with some of the general problems I see with unions (possible obstructions to innovation and creativity, protection for ineffectual workers and organizing principles that sometimes are counter to any real productivity), and make me understand that this whole State Capitol fight is not one about unions, it is about the rights of those without a strong voice to have a powerful collective voice. Hence, our State's history of affording collective bargaining agreements to unions (along with about 30 other states) is really a good thing. It is, I would venture to say, one of the things that makes Wisconsin Wisconsin. Or so it should be.

I pulled myself through the day, eating crow, and being a basic grumpy old man with my co-workers pontificating about how nothing is ever going to get done because no one is going to really do anything--the vague argument is the one you have when you're really angry with yourself for being a douche. I'll say this for myself, though, once I realize I'm being a douche, I can undouche pretty quickly.

It was with that state of mind that I came home tonight, prepared for a night of following the action in Madison as my wife and friends planned their trip to Protest Land, USA. We fielded questions from our 8-year-old daughter Dorothea during dinner, trying to explain the value of civil discourse and effective, controlled protest as the meatballs cleared our plates, and Dorothea prepared for swim class. My wife and Dorothea made tracks to the swim class together right after dinner, Paula actually covering the swim class shift of a co-worker who had been called to a mandatory meeting in the school district she just started working in and hopes to continue working in for some time to come (I believe the mandatory meeting had to do with something having to do with tens of thousands of people in Madison, but that's just a guess.) The deal was, Paula and Dorothea would go to swim class, Paula would dump Dorothea back home, and then it was off to Madison for my crusading wife.

This left 4-year-old Carmela and I with that all too infrequent mano-e-daughtero time. In as much as my youngest daughter is the funniest person I've ever met (and I have met some funny people), I revel in these times. I decided that a lingering approach to bedtime would be a-okay, because it was a special night for our liberal minded household. Mommy was going to stay up way past her bedtime, and we were proud of that because it had great purpose.

As I do in these times, I left it up to Carmela to choose our amusement for the evening. And as she is 4, she tends to choose the same thing time and time again with slight variations. That thing is called "school."

Carmela loves school. Dorothea loves school. We have daughters who just can't get enough of school. This really has everything to do with the extraordinary heroes who made the important decision to become teachers and help parents like me raise confident, free thinking, creative people. School is not drudgery in our house. School is the greatest thing ever.

School can, however, take a little longer to play than you might imagine. There's a rather meticulous set up that goes along with it all. There's many questions. There are other imaginary students. And there's plenty of negotiation.

Yes, there is negotiation. There is bargaining. There is discussion about how to best make our school in the middle of our living room the finest school it can be. There is back and forth communication and consideration about cause and effect actions such as, "If Carmela gets to do 2 more math problems with student Daddy, then Carmela will immediately go to bed." We give. We take. We compromise.

It struck me as I climbed the stairs with a four-year-old on my back who had agreed to give up the benefits of screaming loudly for a piggyback ride, that collective bargaining makes people feel like they have some skin in the game, they have a leg or two to stand on. The 4-year-olds (especially the girls) should maybe be teaching us all a few more lessons about how to get things done.

All this is to say that in this whole discussion I believe we still must all acknowledge that there are real problems in this state, real financial issues that are going to require all men and women to give of themselves. No one is immune from this. Not teachers, not nurses, not even firefighters and police who right now look more immune that most. Taking away the sense of dignity and respect and making unduly harsh movements on stepping towards the ultimate break up of organized labor relations in our state as we know it does not a willing electorate make, however. Compassion and honor are gained when compassion and honor is given. Take it from the 4-year-old.

I don't purport to know what will come of the next few days, and I wonder if Republican Senators are going to waver as the working people they represent start to demand that their elected officials honor the most Wisconsin of Wisconsin traditions of our great state. What I do know, however, is that I will do whatever I need to do to work on any recall vote for our current governor (sorry, we have to wait a full year for that to become possible, although Alberta Darling is completely eligible for a recall movement and she seems deserving of one these days) as that comes available and tirelessly help to prevent these types of situations to take root in the future. I want my 4-year-old daughter to keep playing school not because it's fun, but because it's the best kind of hero worship there is.

"Why I want to kick Michael Kaiser in the nuts!"

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 05:45:00 +0000

I figure a provocative title like, "Why I want to kick Michael Kaiser in the nuts!" is fitting for a commentary on someone who is a clear provacateur.

Michael Kaiser, President of the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts, Huffington Post contributor, and guru of figuring out what the hell is wrong with arts in the United States, gave the world a lovely Valentine with the following post:

What Is Wrong With the Arts?

The major reason I want to kick Michael Kaiser in the nuts is that he is right in his assessment that there isn't enough mind blowing art out there in the universe. But I contend that his assessment that his golden age of artistry excellence (the 50s and 60s) also had a heavy dose of crap in the midst of the Len Bernsteins and Merce Cunninghams of the world.

Let's face it, there's always a lot of crap out there. There always has been. There always will be.

The same can be said of the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts current lineup. A quick trip to the Kennedy Center's website shows me that I have a myriad of really interesting things I could take in as a patron of the arts. And SHEAR MADNESS.

Mind blowing? Art that is transcendent? Nah.

Shampoo and bubble gum? Yeah. Sure. Kind of like a lot of stuff that keeps artists working between the really brilliant moments of creation. Grateful work.

Giving young audiences something to care about is not the job of old administrators like Kaiser and me. Giving young artists with a voice for their generation a significant chance to do their work on significant stages is, however, the absolute legacy responsibility of anyone who has the balls to work in institutional arts management in the good old U.S. of A. It's the kind of stuff that gets you a 50-year contract as the leader of an arts institution or gets you fired on the spot. And that, my friends, is what mind blowing stuff is all about. Risk--grand and glorious risk.

I really like what Kaiser has to say, and I really like that he likes to poke us all. I just want to kick him in the nuts because he argues about art in America like a one armed painter. Broad strokes, and no nuance. (And, of course I'm jealous because he said all he has to say before I did.)

Thoughts? Opinions? It's enough to make me post again, so I'm curious for any feedback.

The Official Dope on THE SANTALAND DIARIES

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 11:47:00 +0000

See, it is happening. THE SANTALAND DIARIES is cooking. You clearly want a ticket, so get one online by following this link. (And if you bought through Kickstarter and helped fund the project, no fears, your redemption e-mail is coming soon!)

Here's the official press release on all the shenanigans.

Look! Artsy Schmarsty does live theatre, too!

SANTALAND DIARIES is coming to

Elm Grove, WI from DECEMBER 2-18.

MILWAUKEE, WI – November 10, 2010. Producer Jonathan West has something really important to announce, so please pay attention:

He intends to NOT change lives by producing a play
He has NO plans to touch souls by presenting a work of dramatic invention
He expects to NOT shine a light on the fragile human condition through stagecraft and all that smoke and mirrors

The manner in which he intends to do NOTHING precious this holiday season is by presenting a raw, fresh, loud, bawdy and grossly entertaining production of the stage adaptation of David Sedaris’ THE SANTALAND DIARIES from December 2-18 at The Studio Theatre of The Sunset Playhouse, 800 Elm Grove Road.

West kicks off the live theatre production life of his Artsy Schmartsy persona with another look at his popular production of THE SANTALAND DIARIES starring Tom Klubertanz, local actor and Oconomowoc High School drama teacher extraordinaire. West and Klubertanz have collaborated on THE SANTALAND DIARIES several times over the past 10 years, presenting their production during the late, great years of Bialystock & Bloom. This new staging promises loads of old big fat Santa belly laughs and tons of new surprises including a spectacular new scenic concept put together by Christmas “craptacular” enabler and song-and-dance man Ray Jivoff (Associate Artistic Director of Skylight Opera Theatre and all around great guy). Jivoff will offer eye-candy in the form of his legendary collection of Christmas iconography. The delicious horror of it all is almost too much to bear. Can you hear the stomachs of the sacred worshippers of the coming season of light just churning with anxiety over the gaudy splendor of it all? They are, dear readers, they are.

The intention of this production is three fold:

To have fun and laugh often.
To offer a gathering place for people who enjoy mirth and can drink beer while watching a 90-minute play.
To make money to buy Christmas presents and possibly fund another play production.

Artsy Schmartsy has until now been an online forum for commentary about the arts and culture distinguished by an even keeled approach to addressing serious topics related to our modern approach to cultural life. Artsy Schmartsy as a live theatre production entity has a rather different personality and conceptual mold. The model for Artsy Schmartsy’s venture into producing live theatre is simple, almost the creation of a dullard, really. Successful productions will beget other productions, and if people want to see plays Artsy Schmartsy hopes to produce, they will have to buy a ticket in advance to help fund the project forward. In fact, this production of THE SANTALAND DIARIES is only happening because it was capitalized by a successful online ticket drive through Kickstarter which resulted in 191 people buying tickets and baseball caps for this December 2010 production. Rather than scam people out of over $3,400 in ticket sales already earned, Artsy Schmartsy is making good on the pledge to do a play and give folks a sweet lid and will provide both of those incentives to audiences from December 2-18.

All performances of THE SANTALAND DIARIES will take place in the Studio Theatre of The Sunset Playhouse, 800 Elm Grove Road. Performance dates and times are:

Thursday, December 2 (8:00pm)
Friday, December 3 (8:30pm)
Thursday, December 9 (8:00pm)
Friday, December 10 (8:30pm)
Wednesday, December 15 (8:00pm)
Thursday, December 16 (8:00pm)
Friday, December 17 (8:30pm)
Saturday, December 18 (5:30pm & 8:30pm)

Tickets for all shows are $20. Ticket prices for groups of 10 or more are $18 per ticket. Tickets can be ordered through the Sunset Playhouse Box Office by calling 262-782-4430 or online at www.sunsetplayhouse.com. (Oh, and there will be a bar in the theatre. Theatre is basically better with beer as we all know.)

Questions? Contact Jonathan West at jonathanwest@artsyschmartsy.com or 414-704-4739. He’ll give you the straight dope.

####

Change is good. Get your December on.

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 04:57:00 +0000

Ladies and gents introducing the new Artsy Schmartsy logo:

Yes, everything look better through a pair of American made SRO 145s.

No, I did not go to the Caman Islands with all that dough I raised for THE SANTALAND DIARIES. I've been plotting. More on that in posts to come. Get ready for mucho fun.

So, regard the new design with shock and awe. Toodles.

Thankful with a challenge for the curious minded of you all out there

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 14:26:00 +0000

I am a great believer in the power of the interwebs. I am a great lover of the book of Face, have Tweeted my share of snarky comments, and have at one time participated in one of the greatest social media experiments that Milwaukee NEVER expected to have to endure. (I'm not gonna mention it, but if you click the link I just put in, you can backtrack to a post that will get you going on days of reading).

This all said, I am amazed by the quick and decisive action that 57 backers have taken to make sure they get a ticket to SANTALAND DIARIES and a baseball cap for their heads. Notice, I'm not calling these individuals donors. No, no. They are pledging money, and they are expecting something. I promise to deliver, and deliver a fabulous show and a comfy hat is exactly what I am bound and determined to do.

So, I'm thankful. Very thankful because I think this is gonna be a hell of a good time.

But my curious streak begs me to ask the following question about this Kickstarter project and what it might mean for producing a live theatre event like the one I'm going to present in December: CAN A LIVE THEATRE EVENT IN MILWAUKEE BE SOLD OUT SEVEN MONTHS BEFORE IT HITS THE STAGE.

(I've never been involved in one of those, and I've been involved in a lot of them during my time in Milwaukee.)

Here's where things stand as of Friday at noon. I have sold 128 tickets (and corresponding baseball hats) thus far. We (Tom Klubertanz, the performer in SANTALAND DIARIES) and I are planning 9 performances with seating for 90 people. That means we still have 682 tickets to sell by May 1.

With 8 days to go on this Kickstarter initiative, I'm really curious to see how far we can get. And I encourage you to participate in this great experiment and push this message out to anyone you know who might be willing to plunk $20 down for a ticket to a play and a baseball hat.

Locally I've seen the use of blogs and social media stir controversy (yeah, I've done it myself), point fingers and call names. I've also suspected that all this online messaging has really helped the arts in Milwaukee, but it's been more of a feeling than anything else. Here's a chance to see if a new business model has a chance of working in this micro messaging era.

The hypothesis is simple. If we sell all the tickets to the play we are presenting in December by May 1, then the process of generating interest in the play can be called a success. The people, as it is, have spoken, and they want to see that play. (Or, they want a hat and want to pass the ticket on to a friend--a very exceptable alternative in my mind.) Then we (the artists pitching the project to the public) work for seven months on making this the best performance of this play anyone has ever seen. We aren't distracted by the business of raising the money, worrying about whether or not people will come. We just focus on the art stuff, having once and for all put the biz of the show front and center and checked that off our list really early.

I can tell anyone reading this that if 682 more people buy tickets in the next 8 days, you had better believe that I will be announcing my next project on opening night of THE SANTALAND DIAIRIES. And you had better believe that I will produce it in the same manner.

I'm looking at my 1,300 Facebook friends and the 2,200 names in my e-mail contact list and realizing that it's time to write some personal letters to people about this. What is a network if it isn't something to tap into for this exact thing?

I hope you all can help me push this effort out, because I think it might be some kind a nifty case study for a load of really great young companies in Milwaukee that I think could benefit greatly from some old coot like me testing this system for their use.

Hope you and 681 of your friends want to see a play and get a hat. Let's see if it can be done in the next 8 days, okay.

Holy Cow People!

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 11:44:00 +0000

You all are amazing. Or, you simply want baseball caps. In either instance, I say "thanks a million."

When I woke up on Thursday morning, I checked the totals on the ticket and hat buying front for the production of SANTALAND DIARIES I announced yesterday. By May 1 $2,000 needs to be raised in ticket sales for the show to be finalized and for me to start making mischief. Kickstarter reported to me that $1,160 was pledged thus far, and Footlights has pledged another $200 but hasn't posted it yet. That means $1,360 has been committed in ticket sales thus far.

Oops, as I was typing another $40 was committed. Let's call it an even $1,400.

So cool. So close.

I hate to bother people (I'm not lying, though I may do it often, it brings me no pleasure), so nothing would please me more than to realize our goal by end of day today and then I'll lay down my weapons of mass destruction called blog cries and Facebook updates and get to the business of making some more noise on the artistic side. Oh, and those PROTOTYPE baseball caps still need to be finished. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch the video on my Kickstarter page, and you'll understand).

Again, thanks. I promise good things to come.

And...GO!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 12:00:00 +0000

Okay, I know I said yesterday was announcement time, but I just wanted to see if you were listening.

Today is the day. Ready to have some fun? Then please follow this link:

The Return of Something Great (It's Time To Have Fun Again)

Warning: Time to have fun

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 11:21:00 +0000

Okay, today is the day. I'm going to soon give you the opportunity to buy a ticket to that project in December I've been vaingloriously boasting about for sometime.

Here's the thing to know: everyone needs to act fairly quickly to ensure an ass-kicking experience this December (these are not my words, but the words of others who long to see this winning production once again). IF 100 people make a commitment by May 1, we are in business ladies and gents. If not, then we all stay home in December and listen to our Andy Williams Christmas albums (fun, but not as fun as what I'm planning, I assure you).

Here's all you need to do to get ready: SET ASIDE $20 FROM YOUR TAX RETURN FOR YOUR TICKET PURCHASE INSTEAD OF BLOWING IT ON SCHLITZ TALL BOYS.

Oh, and the baseball cap. Remember, you will get a baseball cap if you buy now.

Stay tuned....

Some more details about that December project from Artsy Schmartsy

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 03:26:00 +0000

I have been getting very fine responses from people saying they will buy a ticket (or block of tickets) to a project in December that I intend to produce that is taken from the archives of the Bialystock & Bloom production files (it's more like a shoe box).

My pal Matt and I were on a MANdate (this is going to be the new rage for bald guys like us) last night watching a play (our wives are too tough for plays on Wednesday nights), when he said a very important thing to me. Here's what he said:

"You know, if you're going to ask people to buy a ticket to something, don't you think you should tell them how much it's going to cost?"

Matt=smart.

So are the several people who have written me things like:

"I'll buy two (fairly priced) tickets to a December production."

Fairly priced is what I'm all about.

Here's what I'm offering:

1 ridiculously well-performed, audience-pleasing play
1 baseball cap
1 theatre with really comfortable seats and access to a really affordable bar (you don't actually get the theatre or the seat, but you can buy cheap drinks at this location and drink the drinks in the theatre wearing your hat, watching the play, sitting on the comfortable chair)

Here's the fair price you pay:

$20

$20. I think that's very fair.

Consider this: You can spend $20 to restart a revolution, or you can buy this hamburger maker with handles from Crate and Barrel (which is basically the stupidest thing I can think of):

*Note that the hamburger maker comes with neither the hamburger or a baseball cap. You're basically getting screwed if you buy this.

If you had forgotten, these are the kinds of things a group like Bialystock & Bloom did

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 16:11:00 +0000

WE WON'T PAY! WE WON'T PAY! (Just ignore the fat guy in glasses, the rest of the cast was great in this Dario Fo jewel)

THE JAMMER (who the hell does a play about Roller Derby?)

DANNY AND THE DEEP BLUE SEA (Yes, people in their underwear screaming at each other can be unbelievable theatre)

None of these productions will be remounted in December, but a Bialystock & Bloom classic will make the stage if you do one thing: BUY A TICKET.

Be counted. Let me know you are in for at least one ride. If this one works, there will be more. I have 50 commitments from people right now who have said they will buy a ticket to something in December. I'd like to have about 100 soft commitments before I announce how you can buy your ticket and secure your baseball cap (a nice holiday gift for something in December, don't you think).

Post your affirmative ticket buying stamp of approval here, leave me a Facebook or Twitter message or shoot me an e-mail to jonathanwest@artsyschmartsy.com.

This teasing is fun. Very fun.

Just a primer...here's how this is going to work

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 12:39:00 +0000

Since making a bold claim the other day that I had some tricks up my sleeve and was going to be kind of relaunching Bialystock & Bloom (the theatre company I ran or ran into the ground for 11 years, depending on your perspective), I have received a kind and flattering amount of response to that news.

In a couple of days I'll make some more announcements about what's what. But let me make a couple of things clear about this new venture. I'm starting to produce again for two reasons. They are:

I feel like doing so.
Lots of people have told me they would buy a ticket if I did something.

It's that simple. And this new venture is gonna be pretty honest. Don't look for a lot of crafty marketing speak coming your way as I announce a new project (easier said than done, I suppose, and we'll see if I can resist using the phrase "must see" in the future).

For those of you who ever experienced a Bialystock & Bloom venture in the past, you'll know the best thing about those shows was a group of risk takers coming together to put it out balls-to-the-wall in every outing. We were imperfect at times, no doubt, but I defy anyone to say we were ever boring (okay, that production of THE CARETAKER...a little boring). That's what this new thing is gonna be about: loads of risk, a lack of boring.

At the end of the day, I wouldn't have even considered refiring the producing engines if I hadn't heard the repeated question from lots of people: "Is there any chance that you'll ever produce something again?"

Well, to everyone who ever said that, your chance is coming. You literally can make it happen. I'm not going ask you to "donate" to some cause. No no. That won't do. If this is going to work, money will trade hands, believe you me. But I will provide a product and service with the expectation that audiences will provide payment for that product or service. None of this groveling to you all for money for something when I don't provide bupkus. No way. It's gonna be a cause and effect relationship we're gonna have, folks.

Right now, what you need to know is that there's only one way to ensure that something good happens on a stage in the Metro Milwaukee area in December: YOU BUY A TICKET.

This ticket will be reasonably priced and will include a baseball cap. I like baseball caps, and believe you all should have one, too.

If we can make this all happen working together, I promise a really fine experience in December. And if it works well (meaning lots of tickets with you all wearing lots of baseball hats), I promise there will be more very un-boring things to come.

(By the way, this is the teasing portion of my come on to all you theatre fans out there. You'll have the chance to shop soon.)

The Easter Humbling

noreply@blogger.com (Jonathan West) — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 03:51:00 +0000

When I was a lad, my mother would write limericks that my brother and I had to follow before we found our Easter baskets (a combination of candy and popular presents of the day...I recall a pair of Mork from Ork suspenders one year).

Always wanting to keep up with my mother, I have striven to try to keep the same practice alive for my children.

For this reason alone, I hate my mother.

I hate her because I now know I will never be the writer that she is. Have you ever tried rhyming something with sofa? My mother can do it while I fall absurdly on my face.

Tomorrow when my family gathers for Easter dinner, my mom will read my tawdry rambings and pat me on the back applauding my efforts. It's easy to do when you know that you are the master and that you will forever be untouched on the Easter limerick front.

If you have any doubt of my failings, I humble myself (prostrate, if you will) with the following (remember, it's like a scavenger hunt):

Wake up, wake up, and scratch your head

No lounging about all day in bed

Some furry scamp with a poufy bottom

Forces you to use your noggin’

No worries there, you gals are smarties

Your knowledge deserves many parties

But cheering comes when you figure out

How clues like these won’t make you pout

Read along and you will find

A treasure that will blow your mind

Journey on, look for an egg

It’s right beside a red chair’s leg.

That’s it you’re all done with the test

Lay down now you can take a rest.

Nah, I’m just joshing you a little bit

The next clue will make you have a snit.

The paper with the new information

Is in Sammy and Sally’s changing station.

Easy, yeah, I know that one was lame

But now it’s getting hard, this game

So far you’ve been totally relaxed

It seems in your favor all has been stacked

Put on a coat, pull on your shoes

You’re gonna need to search for outdoor news.

Extra, extra, please read the fine print!

You girls need to find another hint.

Perhaps there’s more than just one, confess I will

If I made it too easy, there’d be no thrill

Go back from whence you came again

Look where you may find a pen.

You’re probably feeling very cool

I hear you both excel at school

If you’re feeling like you have some hunch

Then look where one might pack a lunch.

I can’t fool you two, try as I might

In a battle of wits, you’d win that fight

You deserve your reward at this early hour

You’ve done good, now hit the shower.

Again you’ve done it, you’ve won the day

I knew there’d be no other way.

If this little search has got you stressed

Please realize how much you are blessed.

Your love and kind hearts mean so much

You give many smiles to those you touch

Share and love each day of the year

And together you shall have no fear.

You both can help others feel as they should

By always being kind, true and good.

Next year I’ll be back with more things to share

Of my coming riddles I say one thing: BEWARE!

Hippity hop to you both,

E. Bunny